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Y2kk Update: - Smallville: Crossfire small Smallville Week in Review (Spoilers...) -

The strange, one-word naming conventions of Smallville titles persist. What does Crossfire even mean in this situation?...

“I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Oliver Queen is truly the whipping boy of the series. So even now that he’s got his mojo back, Richard Gere-ing his way to a pretty prostitute woman, he still can’t take care of one piddly little pimp? WTF?”…

Okay, I admit, the scene where Clark Kent catches the SMG bullet right before it hits Oliver in the eye was pretty neat, and goes down in the Hall of Fame of cool scenes in pointless episodes such as Clark Kent riding a nuclear missile long ago. Really though, did anything happen of worth in the first half hour or so of the episode? Now that Lana Lang is gone, it’s like we’ve entered a Bizarro Realm where the last twenty or so minutes of a Smallville hour are not just bearable but actually the positive highlight of the show. I don’t remember a thing that Clark did before saving Oliver Queen, getting his ass replaced on television by a blonde cameo of The Kat, and then making out with Lois Lane to the sound of swelling music. But those latter three scenes all stand out as some of the most memorable we’ve had all season long so far, and even if they all happened within only a fifteen minute span, how can I really complain?...

Alright, maybe there actually were a few entertaining scenes in the first half hour of the show, but none of them featured Clark. The actress who played Mia was absolutely adorable (I think I sadly saw her on that Bionic Woman reboot a few years back), and although I know almost nothing about this ho-gone-HIV sidekick of the Green Arrow, I really liked the actress’ performance here of her own little Pretty Woman. Oliver was finally confident and more like his old self again, even barging in on Lois’ television date simply because he could. That’s the kind of personality I miss from his earlier days on the series, and I’m thankful we got a bit of his old flair back here. He also had great mentor-like chemistry with Mia, and I hope she returns for a few future episodes because a) she played the role well, and b) yes, she’s hot…

Crossfire’s greatest strength though was pretty much every scene that Erica Durance was in. I feel dirty for saying that Chloe has been pushed aside as the lead female of the series, but Lois Lane really has all the clever dialogue and concussion counts on the series now. I unfortunately don’t remember anything that Chloe did in this episode, except cutely talk to “The Hand” (and I pray she has not found her romantic interest for the season in that goddam emo MIT hacker guy). Lois on the other hand though, whether she was bantering with Clark over his Mother Teresa of a date or whether she was really being honest with Oliver about her feelings for the other guy, she just had that kind of sass and charm that really makes Erica Durance feel like the best Lois Lane I’ve seen on screen. Of course, the ending scenes of her giving uber-literal lines in a dark alleyway and then getting kidnapped with her ass kicked yet again, made me want to give myself the very concussion I’m shocked they didn’t give her. But the payoff with the kiss with Clark at the end somehow just felt right and actually made me forget about the shortcomings of Crossfire for the time being. The writers are finally moving forward with their characters and for once the series feels real…

Still, after all I’ve watched and written, I still don’t get the goddam title. WTF does Crossfire even mean here? Does it somehow relate to that Billy Zane, Hitman-movie wannabe of a Kandorian that Tess probably killed with a fork and spoon? Is the title meant to instill some sort of fear from Callum Blue just looking lost and emo blue at the goddam café as the so-called super-villain of the season? WTF?...

The episode felt right only from Lois Lane and every scene she was in. The series would feel even more perfect if Lois would only be given the opportunity to spread her chemistry (and so much more) with Mia and Tess at the same damn time…

Okay, I know it’s lazy of me to combine two episodes into one single review, but right now Stargate Universe still doesn’t deserve enough of my attention and loyalty to write every week. The series definitely shows a lot of potential but already I’m getting tired of the cliché characters and the goddam checklist of “emo, edgy” scenes and generic lines of dialogue to have, ripped straight from the BSG manual…

The good thing about the series so far, the only real bright light to shine on the show I feel, is the continuity they’ve already shown throughout the first four episodes. Old Stargate series would have never have made sure the actors’ kept their tan lines like they did here after arriving back from the desert planet. And sometimes I do find myself pleasantly surprised by some of the so-called “realism” of the series, especially the idea that Dr. Rush amongst many are suffering from simple nicotine and coffee withdrawal. It’s the little touches like that which pique my interest and give me notice that the writers want this series to work…

Absolutely the best thing of the series so far is the returning sense of awe and wonder we used to have back in the first seasons of SG-1 and Atlantis. Space finally feels fantastic and dangerous again, in the same spirit as one would expect from watching the best of Star Trek really. The Destiny may be the most durable ship the Ancients ever built, but in order to maintain it, they had to keep it “simple” and kind of steam-punk, so to speak. Scenes such as the aero-braking maneuver around the gas giant and the beautiful CG of the Destiny actually absorbing the plasma or elements from a living star were breath-taking in both concept and execution. Both moments were great reminders of why I fell in love with Stargate in the first place, and characters such as Eli and Chloe in their naiveté and innocence really helped highlight the wonder and authenticity of the scenes as well. Finally the characters feel like they’re at the mercy of the grandeurs of space and their odyssey yet again, and it’s definitely the best part of Stargate Universe so far…

Unfortunately though, so far I have to admit that I’m really losing interest in the lives of many of the characters so far. Why is Colonel Young being such a pussy-whipped ass, trying to get his mack on with his ex-wife or something while inside of Telford’s body, instead of trying to do something productive and constructive to help his people? I like his hard-nosed sense of humour, and I even don’t mind his lame catchphrases that they’ve forced upon him (“a lot of work”, “do you want a gold star?”). But why shove straight into our faces his horribly over-emotional and boring private life bullshit? I complained about this all the time on BSG, and I’ll do the same here. If it ain’t interesting, I don’t care. Let the character grow at his own pace, developing and maturing slowly as the season wears on. Don’t force it in our faces, please…

And was anyone else sort of weirded out by Lt. Scott Priest having sex with Chloe and probably his last condom? I mean sure, I guess it makes sense that a) feelings would develop during what the two characters believe might be their last days alive, and b) Chloe is an emo, high maintenance bitch who latches and clings on to any man walking on two legs or less. But I just feel the writers didn’t develop this relationship at all, I felt like there was no warning or signs that the two even remotely had feelings for one another, especially to the point where Chloe would exclaim she feels closer to Scott than anyone ever before. Seriously, what is she, a little tween girl in her grade school years here? Or is it simply that the writers here don’t know how to conceive of any relationships past the Goosebumps and Twilight textbook phases?...

I’m going to hope that the only real reason for the sudden and abrupt sex scene to the candle-light fire of the star outside, was simply to make us viewers see the point of view of Eli Wallace and sympathize with him. It was obvious from the moment that Chloe felt safe enough to let Eli of all people guard her as she got naked in the steam shower, that she was setting him up for the dreaded friend zone that I think every single guy knows about. And it was honestly hilarious (intentional or not) just how clueless Eli was to being set up this way, as you can honestly feel him trying to get romantically closer to Chloe as they hold hands on the balcony, but Chloe is simply too smitten with bulging muscles that walk to notice that the gaming geek is there. And I’m hoping that in due time, it turns out Scott is just a womanizer and dumps Chloe back for that Lt. Boobs or whatever we want to call Vanessa James el naturale. While I’ll be the first to admit that this is all the most emo, angsty, immature, Twilight-esque love quadrangle I know on television today outside of the Vampire Diaries, I will also admit that it’ll be funny and fun as hell when the plotline finally pays off…

As for the rest of the cast, I don’t remember anything that Tamara Johansen did except stare at flight consoles as if she was the generic ensign of the week on the Enterprise. Camille Wray was nowhere to be found, except to bitch and complain that she deserves to be on that shuttle because M. Bison already ruined her life. Ronald Greer was simply the angry black man again, taking his shirt off to excite whatever teen and Caprica fans are actually watching the show these days…

I’m probably even forgetting a character here, but moving onto Nicolas Rush, he was finally a more tolerable character for once, not letting us know his true intentions but at least proving through his reactions and his acting that he wants the ship to survive along with everyone else. The ending scene of Light was one of the best so far of the series, with the whole cast and crew laughing together as a single team, but why the hell did the writers have to ruin it with a completely out of left field remark from Colonel Young? Is it a running gag of the writers to make the men in charge as much of suicidal douchebags as possible? It was completely out of line for the Colonel to suddenly insinuate in front of everyone in the mess-hall that Rush knew the ship was going to survive all along. Where was his proof, and why not tell Rush in private? If Rush really thought the Destiny would live, why did he let most of the supplies escape with the shuttle? Why even take the risk of the shuttle leaving and never returning then? Why is Young such an asshole? It’s like the writers simply have a quota of how many “is Rush evil” moments they need in an episode. WTF?...

And that brings me to the absolute worst part of Darkness and Light. Who here among us actually didn’t see the big surprise at the end coming from a light year way, that the Destiny purposely headed towards a star in order to refuel? Anyone with common sense who’s seen even a single episode of Sci-Fi would’ve realized that the odds of the Destiny aero-braking around a gas giant and “accidentally” heading towards the centre of a star are astronomically slim, and the writers made the situation even worse by not having a single goddam character even highlight the possibility that the Destiny was about to refuel. Why are the writers treating their audiences like we’re goddam idiots? Couldn’t they at least have made a statement earlier on in the episode that no ship has ever been known to survive within the density of a star? Why was every single character just a dumbass along for the ride simply for the sake of plot? WTF?...

A wise man once said, “let there be light”. While there were certainly flashes of it here in these two episodes, most of it just felt like goddam Twilight instead, beaming angsty-bullshit into the room as Lt. Scott and Chloe the Slut got it on to the sound of emo music…

I can only hope that the series improves from here on in. It does have potential and I’ll still continue to watch, if only for the Stargate name, if only because Chloe is such a fucking funny whore, and if only because Eli Wallace stuck in the friend zone is goddam hilarious…

Y2kk Update: - Smallville: Roulette small Smallville Week in Review (Spoilers...) -

I admit, I know nothing about the DC character of Roulette. All I know is that the previews showed an Asian woman kicking serious ass and that’s all I gave a damn about…

“So Oliver had the choice of the red pill or the blue pill from the lady in the red dress? And then he ends up back in that ridiculous green costume next to Neo on the rooftop? Wow, talk about falling down a goddam rabbit hole. WTF?”…

Now granted, I didn’t mind this episode overall. It wasn’t anything special or memorable, but at least it featured a decently choreographed fight between Lois and Roulette. As for Oliver, he really is such the whipping boy of the series. First, he gets his ass handed to him by Roulette, and then it turns out he was getting beaten to death by Chloe the whole time as well? What a complete pussy. Seriously, WTF?

Clark wasn’t much better this episode either. He was left clueless as to what was going on, although obviously that was in part because Chloe made sure he didn’t know a thing. I can’t even remember a single Clark scene except perhaps the end when he realized how many Kandorians had arrived on earth. At least that moment helped set up November sweeps and the main arc for the rest of the season, which is more than welcome after so many weeks of Callum Blue doing nothing but giving us hazy Matrix-blue scenes of the Metropolis city skyline as he sips tea and cites Buddha…

The episode belonged to Oliver, and he really was an idiot in so many ways. I mean seriously, he really didn’t see the blatantly obvious con coming when it came to his bank account? He probably didn’t even bother to check whether the blood from Roulette’s sniper shot was actually real or not. And was it just me, or did it strike anyone else as completely fucked up and odd that Oliver would suddenly believe that Roulette would be dumb enough to almost blow herself up near the end? The only real payoff for this episode was that finally the Green Arrow is back and I really did welcome his little superhero return discussion with Clark at the end. I didn’t mind the final five minutes of the hour, I just wish the rest of episode wasn’t as bad as the third goddam Matrix movie, that’s all…

It really is a gamble these days in this ninth season of the show, whether Smallville turns out to be a decent series or not. Some episodes like Metallo feel like the viewer wins big, while others like this one definitely reminds me more of a game of Russian goddam Roulette…

Sucky thing is, I wouldn’t even be able to start to play “The Game”. To be honest, I can’t goddam swallow pills. Sad, I know. What do I then?...

Y2kk Update: - Smallville: Echo small Smallville Week in Review (Spoilers...) -

Okay, so let me get this straight. Jor’el has the ability to give Clark even more powers, resulting in his son becoming not just intelligent and proactive but also bearably entertaining , and then Jor’el just suddenly takes it all away? So wait, was this the same brilliant logic that led to the destruction of his planet?...

“Wait a tick, what’s with Tomb Raider Tess? Wow, is it just me or is her character completely useless except for scenes where she shows up all hot and sweaty and desperate? Not that I’m complaining, really…”

The premise of Echo sounded pretty idiotic at first, pretty much as ridiculous as the premise for a Joss Whedon series, with Jor’el suddenly giving Clark the ability to read people’s thoughts. You’d think Clark’s super-hearing, super-speed, and supposedly superior intelligence (ha, as if) would be enough to save a few measly humans on this planet, but I suppose we all guessed wrong. The thing is, while telepathy is a bit of overkill to add to the Man of Steel, I still quite enjoyed this episode because of all the little flirts and teases and chemistry we got between Clark and Lois. Sure, some of it was ham-fisted and poured on way too thick, like the ending talk about a “second date, hypothetically speaking”, but I gladly will take a drawn-out scene like that over the emo bullshit we used to get with Lana Lang to the sound of angsty music...

For once, Clark Kent felt like a detective, being pro-active in his quest to help people. He used his abilities to find leads and culprits, get to the heart of what people really wanted, and even helped a few of his friendships and relationships along in the process. For once, he seemed civil and even respectful of Chloe and I appreciated the return of their trust and chemistry. When it came to Lois, whether she was driving up in a monster truck while wearing a stunning dress or whether she was feeling all flustered at the thought of a date with Clark Kent, I really enjoyed the little moments that sprang from Superman finally figuring out what she was harbouring in her heart. Echo was simply a fun episode that actually helped with character development for every member of the cast. Hell, I even tolerated Jimmy the Bimmy for once. It’s always good to know that he’s never coming back and thank God Chloe will never mention him again either…

The second star of the episode was arguably Oliver Queen, and as I’ve quite made it known in my prior reviews, I don’t feel it’s only his corporate stocks that have plummeted to be worthless. I really believe the writers have no clue what to do with his character anymore, and they’ve been drawing out his emo angst over Jimmy’s death almost as badly as they did Lana Lang’s existence for seven fucking years. What was the point of the scene in Mexico with him getting drunk for the umpteenth time, except to show off Tom Raider Tess in a lovely little tank top also for the umpteenth time? Why are the writers constantly repeating their mistakes, constantly regurgitating more repetitive scenes of Oliver lost and weeping like Clark Kent back during his “oh shit” look days? Is there ever going to be any process with his character at all?...

The return of the Toyman was decent, even if he poses no actual threat to a normal Clark

Kent

let alone a Superman suped up with telepathy. While I do complain that the current Oliver Queen is simply boring as a pale imitation of his former superhero self, at least I did have some sort of reaction still to him trying to commit suicide in a heroic sort of way. I also liked for some odd reason, how ironically Clark Kent’s mind reading didn’t even help him in trying to save Oliver from himself, but rather it was the big honking truth told straight to his face that the Green Arrow himself feels he deserves to die. While I still don’t feel like this storyline is authentic or even believable from what we know of Oliver Queen’s personality from the first few seasons of the show, at least in the conclusion we got some honesty from the writers for once about where exactly they want his character to go. And at least we got a scene where Clark Kent came down from his trench-coat pedestal for once to talk to Oliver like one respectful person to another…

You know, if this episode had aired two or three seasons ago, my first line of this noname review would have been to rename the title of “Echo” to “Emo”. And to be honest, with Oliver Queen going off the rails to the point where he doesn’t even seem to care about sweaty, desperate, Tomb Raider Tess behind him? Maybe my original sentiments still ring true to this very day and season…

But nevertheless, I found I still enjoyed Echo for what it was worth. Lois and Clark had great chemistry, Chloe is finally bearable again, and thank the Jor’el gods that Jimmy the Bimmy is finally gone…

Y2kk Update: - Stargate Universe: Air (Parts 1, 2 and 3) Series Premiere Review (Spoilers...) -

A lot of Stargate fans were in full panic mode since Stargate Universe was first announced. Hell, I was in panic mode when I first heard the news about the new, dark, edgy series that would unfortunately be branded with the Stargate name. Why create a SG show that was emo and angsty and depressing, especially after light and fun series such as Stargate SG-1 even mocked the concept with episodes like 200? And really, the writing was all over the wall as to why SyFy decided to cancel Stargate Atlantis in order to create SGU, especially considering Battlestar Galactica was ending its five year run without a true successor filling its old spot (and so far, Caprica does not count). It felt like Stargate sold out, that’s all…

Well, Stargate Universe premiered two weeks ago and it pretty much delivered on exactly what I expected. It was jarring and unnecessary to see a monkey-sex scene between Matthew Scott and some random brunette chick, considering it seemed to have no bearing on his character development for the rest of the premiere whatsoever. What was the point of it then, to simply be moody and angsty and edgy and prove that this wasn’t a family-friendly Stargate any longer? Then again, I will always remember that the original SG-1 premiere had full frontal nudity of Michael Shanks’ wife at that time. I said back then and I’ll say it again for Stargate Universe right now, what the hell were the writers smoking?...

Already I have a lot of issues with the entire three-part SGU series premiere on a whole. I enjoyed the first hour for the most part, monkey sex or not, thanks to a bit of the old Stargate SG-1 writing with O’Neill, Daniel Jackson and Carter there, and the show actually had some light and colour to it thanks to being on Icarus base. But every single scene on the Destiny was just so downright dark and depressing however, with a whole bunch of random extras screaming and shouting and trying to show a sense of chaos, even though the atmosphere and mood of the situation just didn’t seem to dictate that they should panic like us old skool Stargate fans just yet. I understand that these randomly displaced people will feel the pressure of a lack of oxygen, food and water far away from earth in the long run, but for everyone (including seemingly some military officers) to suddenly flip on the panic switch just an hour or less into arriving on the Destiny? While I can understand that happening with some random civilians, do we really expect this from people tested and trained to be the best of humanity sent to Icarus base? It just felt so forced…

The premise itself of Stargate Universe is interesting, though it was done before not only on Star Trek: Voyager, not only by Battlestar Galactica, but also in a sense from Stargate Atlantis as well. The crew is trapped on a ship with no way back home, and they need to fight and perhaps bend their morals in order to survive with proper food, water, air and some sort of social structure. There’s a bit of “been there, done that” and a déjà vu feeling to the concept after all the Sci-Fi I’ve watched in my life, but I won’t hold that against the series at all. What I will hold against SGU though is the giant plot hole regarding the Ancient communication stones. If the writers are going for a sense of isolation and desperation, why give us a convenient way to visit earth every single week? Even if the Destiny can’t manufacturer new parts for repairs, can’t we just send Carter and McKay over to fix the ship as much as they can every damn day?...

When it comes to Air (Parts 2 and 3), I do appreciate the controlled levels of shaky-cam and I give the writers thumbs up for promising not to give us another medieval village full of English-speaking human-aliens for at least one season. But there were also definitely a lot of monotonous moments within the confines of the Destiny and later on the desert planet when it came to all the talk of mirages and Planet of the Apes, making the sum of the three hours probably more boring than entertaining to me. The only truly stand-out moment of the episode was when Greer and Scott were racing back trying to make it before the Destiny slides to a new universe or some crap like that, tension which any previous SG series also did well. I understand that the writers are trying to go for some realism and grit and I think they did a good job in that sense. I just didn’t feel like the cast had enough acting talent or comic relief to make all three hours of the premiere to be more than anything but barely tolerable. I’ll get into this more later on, but most of the young actors just don’t seem to have any more acting range or skills than Lt. Ford did back in the day. And aside from a few geek references from Eli, there just wasn’t anything fun to talk about in the episode…

The biggest uproar against the creation of Stargate Universe definitely came from the fanbase worried about the alleged young cast and crew. Back on the original SG-1, the youngest main cast member was Michael Shanks I think near age 30 or something when he started. On Atlantis, you had Lt. Ford as the baby of the group, and his character turned out to be so boring that he was swiftly voted off the island in no time flat. I have similar concerns with most of the cast here in SGU, as I definitely already have my complaints about Matthew Scott, Ronald Greer, Tamara Johansen, and even Chloe and Eli to some extent. The older cast still have a lot to prove as well. Aside from Nicolas Rush, nobody really stood out…

I like Dr. Nicolas Rush in the same way I enjoyed Dr. Gaius Baltar back on Battlestar Galactica. I like the idea of a self-absorbed, self-interested, selfish sort of genius bastard, although granted, Baltar had a lot of comedy going for him back in the first season of BSG, none of which I experienced here with Rush. I think that Robert Carlyle is a very good actor, I most recently give him props for his work on 24. I think he did a great job in making Rush feel like a complex, multi-layered human being who cares only for others when it best suits his own agenda. I thought out of all characters, he had the strongest moments of them all, whether he was chastising soldiers for refusing to give him water in the desert or simply staring at stars and maps without any regard for what others were thinking around him. At the same time, already in just three hours of airtime, I’ve gotten annoyed and sick of how constantly ambiguous his motives always seem to be. For every single little thing he does, he keeps his thoughts and feelings so irritatingly close to his heart, even over the tap of a simple button that could have gotten him killed. It’s one thing to be a bastard, it’s another to be a complete idiot in terms of keeping local morale up and using the people around you. WTF?...

I’d probably consider Eli Wallace to be the second star of the show in the same way McKay was back on Atlantis, essentially stealing the spotlight thanks to his banter and comedy. The thing is, it seems he may be the only source of comic relief on the entire series, which is kind of sad considering I didn’t even care for his observations about Planet of the Apes. The actor has admitted he’s a huge Stargate fan and wants to represent the audience with the writers and the producers, and I respect and admire that. You can even feel a lot of the excitement and exuberance the actor has in being part of the series, from the way he stared at earth when aboard the Hammond battlecruiser to his elation when he got to show off his new “Kino” floating toys. At the same time, I have my concerns about his character being too much of an anomaly from the rest of the cast. McKay was perfect for Atlantis due to the cheese and fluff factor of the series, but while I do appreciate the comic relief we get from Eli, the idea of a random geek like myself suddenly thrust into the Stargate world and reacting even less to the situation than trained soldiers and off-world scientists, somehow feels even more comical than anything that the writers intentionally managed to write…

I’d say that Eli was the only young cast member in the series premiere who didn’t make me want to bleed my brains out on a goddam locker the whole time, but I suppose it’s true that Chloe Armstrong had a few good moments or two. Granted, I wanted to take her hooker boots and stick one up her ass and the other on the opposite side to shut her up as she was wailing about her father’s sacrifice, but I do recognize it’s hard for any actor to make the death of a Happy Gilmore redshirt seem anything less than cliché. I like to think personally, that every good series needs at least one “Chloe” or a cute girl with a similar name (“Claudia” for instance, in the case of Warehouse 13). 24’s Chloe is one of the best characters ever on television and Chloe Sullivan on Smallville was the only saving grace of that series for seven fucking years. Even though I saw little of Chloe Armstrong here beyond sucking up to Matthew Scott as if she wanted to suck him dry, I must admit that she annoyed me much less than I expected from some random party girl who came along for the ride. I fully anticipate more naked shower scenes with her as she’s on her way to frakking half the ship, or even more than that if human aliens-of-the-week do manage to reappear. If the Destiny ever meets up with a Cylon basestar filled with naked Grace Parks, then there’s no doubt Chloe has my blessing…

I just didn’t get anything but a fan-fiction vibe from any of the female cast members on the show, personally. There was the random brunette that was obviously faking it with Matthew Scott at the start, there was Chloe who’s only purpose on the ship is to fake it with everyone else, and then there’s Tamara Johansen who seems to have some sort of weird connection with Colonel Young and the IOA representative played by Ming Na. I’m guessing that she had an affair with the old bastard, or preferably a three way with Ming Na as well, giving us yet another forced and eye-rolling “edgy” Edgemont plotline to work with here in Stargate Universe. Beyond that grievance, I also just didn’t care for Tamara whatsoever, considering how monotonous the actor played the role. At least for Chloe, I could enjoy the hooker boots and her PMS’y bipolar nature, as highs and extreme lows definitely catch my attention from a horny girl who wants to be frakked. But TJ on the other hand had nothing to do but watch over Colonel Young the whole time, spout some random crap how she’s just a medic who barely knows how to apply a band-aid, and then never once put 1 and 1 together to realize she could’ve just body-swapped with a fully trained doctor, preferably Dr. Beckett, from the Pentagon in order to save more lives? WTF?...

As for Ming-Na’s character of Camille Wray? Well, from her character bio online, I know she’s an IOA representative and I know she’s a lesbian with a lovely life-partner back at home. But since we learned nothing about Camille or her personality from the entire three hours of the actual series premiere, I guess when it comes to her current situation, I have only one thing to say to her…

“For you, this was the most important day of your life. But for me? It was Tuesday.”

How long until she gets it on with Chloe Armstrong? Should we ever bother to take bets?...

The male cast of the show felt a bit stronger, but that mainly was from the presence of the guest stars of Richard Dean Anderson, Michael Shanks, Colonel Telford and Senator Happy Gilmore. Telford was alright, he probably had more presence than Colonel Young after just two minutes of huffing and puffing around the steampunk ship, so I look forward to seeing Lou Philips Diamond again. As for the Senator, I was hoping for so much more from his role on the Destiny, but his sacrifice felt so forced and eye-rolling in the end. Was it really necessary to have the one and only situation where a dying person needs to kill himself faster in order to save his slutty daughter? Why couldn’t they find something to board up the door or the window of the shuttle? Why couldn’t they have attached a pencil or even a human finger to a Kino to tap the button on the console to shut the door? Instead, we get melodramatic BSG music to the sound of the guy from Happy Gilmore no longer being very happy. How can I even take him seriously after that film?...

Truth be told, I didn’t mind Colonel Everett Scott that much. I’m betting on some affair he had with TJ after that lame domestic dispute crap of his that we saw with his wife in flashback. I could really have done without the writers’ lame attempt to copy the real dramas of primetime, but besides that, I didn’t mind Young really. He had presence, though it was more boring and monotonous than anything else. He’s truly the generic, grizzled commander of the group, the kind of guy that I would think up as a Grade 8 student writing cloned Star Trek stories. There’s nothing special about him, he’s simply there to act all gruff and tough and maybe frak Chloe once or twice to get into Pedobear territory. He’s no Commander Adama, that’s for certain. His only contribution to the series so far was to be blown by poor CG explosions half-way across the room, then not have the balls to sacrifice himself first before Senator Happy Gilmore did…

And then of course, if you want to get into even more stereotypes, we can talk about Ronald Greer, the token angry, black guy of the group. Tell me, why is it always the brother who ends up starting the series in jail? And seriously, he was already stealing food rations from the ship one hour into the series when he wasn’t even hungry yet? Wow, the writers sure do know how to write their racist caricatures. At the same time though, while we never really did get any backstory on Greer, I at least liked how he proved to be somewhat of a hero at the end, refusing to abandon Scott perhaps moreso out of camaraderie than saving his own black ass. And while I’ll discuss this more later on, it seems that like the rest of movie-watching North America, as much as I criticize the stereotype, I too enjoy watching the angry black man. Call me racist or emo or edgy if you will, but it’s just somehow entertaining to see a dumb black soldier raise his gun and threaten to shoot the rich white man. We all pay to see the brother be the first to die, but why?...

That brings us finally to Matthew Scott, who seems to be the Colonel Sheppard of the series without the sense of humour or any sort of acting skills whatsoever. We even got the lieutenant’s backstory here, of wanting to become a priest after his parents were killed in a car crash, only to tragically fuck some random girl up the ass, get her pregnant, fuck her again when she was having an abortion, and then let his step-father of a priest drink himself to death. Hmm, talk about a goddam Greek tragedy, though I say that more about the ideas of the lameass writers than anything else. Seriously, is this their idea of what edgy and realistic is supposed to be? To introduce some generically-jacked soldier as he’s jacking and frakking up some random girl, then have him try to be all sweet and cuddly to get into bed with Chloe who would probably get naked at the sound of a Pavlovian chime? I liked the scenes where Scott was confronting his priest of a father, I liked the resolute determination he had in trying to save the ship with the limestone, and I even liked the rapport he had with Eli when it came to searching the ship. Did the writers really have to fuck up whatever nice feelings I had with the most eye-rolling and brow-wrenching backstory they could come up with? Seriously, is this show run by a bunch of slash fan-fiction writers or something? WTF?..

That’s the worst part of Stargate Universe that I can think of. I mean, there were definitely pluses, but most of them were from what Stargate has traditionally done best, whether we’re talking about Eli’s amazement at being teleported, a bunch of Goa’uld gliders getting their asses kicked by railguns, Daniel Jackson making a bunch of edutainment videos, or Richard Dean Anderson telling Colonel Young to fix the ship and shut the hell up. But when it comes to the negatives of the series, wow did this series ever feel goddam immature and amateurish at best. Of course they bring in the sexy librarian lesbian, of course they bring in religion with a platter of abortion on the side, of course they bring in an ambiguously evil genius who is ambiguously mysterious at every turn and bend, and of course they bring in the token black guy who will probably be the only one on the ship who will make a pass at slutty Chloe and somehow not get frakked…

Don’t get me wrong, I still see some potential in the show, mainly from the acting skills of Robert Carlyle, the comic relief we’ll get from Eli Wallace, the promise of non-human aliens and non-forest planets for the whole of the first season, and of course the potential for a cross-over, slash fan-fiction if the Chloe from Smallville ever finds her way to the bunk of Chloe Armstrong. But at the same time, the writers really need to sit back and stop writing as if they are twelve year old boys who just hit puberty, or 30-year old frustrated house-wives who actually thought Firefly and BSG were deep fucking shows. Where the hell is the depth and the goddam artistic subtlety needed for writing craft such as this? It’s like the writers don’t know what else to do but try to emulate the worst tween dramas of the 21^st century and fail in the process. Just take for example the choice of music to end off the three-part series premiere or Air. I mean seriously, couldn’t they have picked any other song to have some semblance of subtlety more than the goddam brick that they did?...

Alright, fine. Maybe I am panicking. Maybe I am nit-picking. Maybe I should take my own advice...

Y2kk Update: - Smallville: Rabid small Smallville Week in Review (Spoilers...) -

Well, okay. This episode was unexpected, to say the least. I mean, it isn’t even Halloween yet? WTF?

“Wow, so we got House of the Dead 2 starring dumbass Clark Kent, and we didn’t even get to see Erica Durance’s titties again to boot? WTF?”…

I’ll admit that the make-up and the office atmosphere of this Smallville Zombieland was well done. The only thing truly missing was Woody Harrelson, Bill Murray and the aforementioned titties, preferably from both Lois and Chloe huddled together for warmth. But there were still two main problems I had with the episode. One, I hate zombies in movies and TV and video games and I wish I hadn’t seen Rabid as a result. And second, what was the point of this episode? It isn’t even close to Halloween yet, and doesn’t it feel a bit strange than an entire office goes “Resident Evil”, Oliver goes hunting with a shotgun, and yet the next day everyone goes back to work as if nothing happened at all? Hell, Dr. Gaeta Hamilton didn’t even seem remotely impressed by this virus. Talk about being arrogant and jaded. WTF?...

There were two pluses to this episode. One, when she wasn’t a zombie, Lois Lane was a pretty fun character and she still has great chemistry with Clark

Kent

. The little moment between them when she tries to punch him but he catches her arm and simply holds it there? There’s no definable reason why scenes like that work, but they just do. And Chloe Sullivan, while sadly being outshone in the intelligence department by the wannabe BSG-Baltar of all doctors, at least was the opposite of rabid for once and came back to her senses of being the cute and reasonable Chloe that we’ve come to know and love. While I still wish at times she had more scenes with Clark (or definitely more scenes alone with Lois like I mentioned above), I thought that her friendship with the Red Blue Blur was finally being repaired in this episode and hopefully the two can move on with their lives without grating on all our nerves in the process…

What was bad in this episode? Where to begin, beyond the god-awful premise that ended up with Callum Blue doing a slo-mo assassination as if this was the Matrix? First of all, Tess Mercer once again proved to be a complete dumbass bitch. Sure, her fight against the Navy Seals turned zombie was decent, but once again she proved to be a complete idiot in trying to locate the Kryptonians and fix up the mess she started. I know the writers are trying to make Zod and his followers seem more powerful by putting her down, but must they do so in a manner that makes her seem less intelligent than Lana fucking Lang? And Oliver Queen in the meanwhile is making Tess look like a goddess in the genius department. Why are the writers dragging their feet so much with his goddam emo angst storyline? So he feels bad that he helped get Jimmy the Bimmy killed, why should we care, especially when a) we should be thanking him for saving our sanity and b) after so many episodes of the same Batman-wannabe brooding? I’m hoping that there’s movement to his storyline and character development soon enough, because I don’t know how many more cliché scenes of him emoting into a mirror like Disneyland gone Zombieland I can take this season…

There is no way in hell that I would ever find myself becoming a rabid fan of this episode. When the hour starts off with zombie Lois making photocopies with her clothes on, then you know you have a problem…

Hell, they didn’t even blow up Toronto City Hall with a nuclear missile. WTF?...

Y2kk Update: - Smallville: Metallo small Smallville Week in Review (Spoilers...) -

It’s been a long time since I’ve had good things to say about Smallville. And I certainly didn’t expect I would about an episode featuring Brian Austin Green gone cyborg mad, but then again, what do I know?...

“Okay, I admit it. I laughed at the Terminator reference. Now, if only we could get Megan Fox on board too, we’d have the most awesome episode of Superman vs Transforminators ever. Make it happen…”

Brian Austin Green continues to surprise me. First, he impressed me with his acting and his presence in the first season of The Sarah Connor Chronicles (though let us never speak of the second season ever again), and he’s done it once again here by not only providing chemistry with Lois Lane but also actually bringing some depth and sense of humanity to a Smallville villain for once. I certainly hope that John Corben returns with the actor in tow, because I thought that the backstory of Clark’s hero exploits indirectly ruining the reporter’s life was meaningful and even a bit tragic in the end. It’s a very real consequence of saving lives. Brian Austin Green didn’t have much material to work with in the script but he still really brought the character of Metallo to life, whether he was simply screaming in emo pain at the memory of his dead sister or ripping off his shirt to impress Lois Lane with his kryptonite heart…

It also helps that Metallo featured the best fight on Smallville (sadly) in a very long time. Clark Kent went back to being a complete dumbass, not superspeeding Lois away when the EMP bomb gave him the chance, but I’d gladly (and sadly) take a dumbass Superman back if it means a better overall show. It doesn’t make much sense to me how Clark Kent was able to weld the lead plate to Metallo’s chest when Superman should get affected by Kryptonite even when moving faster than a speeding bullet, but like I mentioned before, I’ll gladly take these comic book inconsistencies if it means for a better plot and better action. I thought the overall battle at the end had some real pressure and meaning, considering you could feel the chemistry between Clark Kent and the woman he loves. It also doesn’t hurt (or does it?) that Lois Lane is rapidly catching up with Lana Lang on the concussion count meter. Once again, I’ll gladly take all the faults and sins back of the series if it means less episodes as disappointing and angsty as Doomsday…

It also helped that the three main remaining characters on the show (Clark, Chloe and Lois) all felt much more like their natural selves than in the past few episodes. Clark was back to being an idiot but his care and concern for Lois is what gives heart and strength to the series in the end. And I was also thankful that the writers finally toned down how irrationally bitchy and PMS’y Chloe has been as of late. While she still hasn’t rediscovered the genius she once had before, and while I bet the writers will conveniently forever forget that she had healing powers to save Jimmy when he was still alive, I’m just happy that she was able to start moving on with her life and make amends with Clark again. Their friendship is one of the foundations and pillars of the series that I’ve always enjoyed and I welcome it back with open arms…

There were obviously still faults with Metallo. Was Oliver Queen even in it? I already forget, and even if he was, his current plotline of being an emo jackass is more grating than my redundant writing every week about it. As for Tess, how many pointless scenes are we going to have of her looking like an idiot, completely clueless as to where the Kryptonians had gone or why she was dumbass enough to let them out of the bottle in the first place. And uggh, did we really have to deal with Dr. Gaeta Hamilton all over again? Sounds to me like he’s sadly become a pseudo-regular on the series or whatnot, so I better get used to him. I wish I didn’t have to though. Wasn’t five years and four seasons of BSG bullshit torture enough? Guess not. Maybe I’ll just blame Clark Kent for playing god and saving a bus full of prisoners for my agony…

Metallo was definitely a fun episode to watch and a nice return to form for the series. I can only hope that Smallville keeps up the quality and brings back memories of the hope they gave me during the first half of last season…

And maybe bring back Brian Austin Green and Megan Fox for more Transforminators. Yes, please…

Y2kk Update: - Smallville: Savior small Smallville Week in Review (Spoilers...) -

Smallville is back. How can I tell? Because the emo angst is back as well, and so are small Smallville weeks in review, apparently…