IvanF's IVT No-Name Brand Website (Television, Movie and Video Gaming Reviews)

- NoName.Mycrowsoft.com -
"Where do you want to Crow today?"

- IvanF's Mycrowsoft Noname Brand Website -
- noname writing online since May 2002 -

- Welcome to IvanF's IVT No-Name Brand Website -
- noname television, film and video game reviews -

Y2kk Update: - Smallville: Pandora small Smallville Week in Review (Spoilers...) -

Pandora on paper and in preview looked amazing in concept. Unfortunately for me, when the cookie jar was finally opened, the end result was not what I had hoped it would be…

“Clark is such a dumbass. He survives an entire year without his powers and he finally becomes intelligent and bold enough to go for Lois the second he can. Yet the moment he finally gets his powers back to save the world, he gets his ass kicked and his heart slit in half within ten seconds flat? I guess apparently, his goddam intelligence is powered by a red frickin’ Sun. WTF?”…

First of all, did we miss something here on Superman mythology? Why is a Red Sun able to power cloned Kryptonians when their abilities are supposed to come from a yellow Sun? Even beyond that, are we really willing to believe that Clark Kent isn’t able to get even a tiny bit of energy from sunlight when we saw in Pandora that the Kandorians didn’t eliminate the yellow energy, they only converted it at the Luthor tower to red around the world. Thirdly, why the hell was Chloe so damn slow in preparing the virus to take down the tower? Considering it seems the heroes of humanity had a good grasp of Kryptonite, why not save the world a hell of a lot sooner? And why bother hiding their green-glowing knives and whatnot? Isn’t it better to spread the radiation of Kryptonite as far as possible rather than risk getting killed by a flying Kryptonian at goddam superspeed? WTF?...

Pandora was a fun episode if you turn your brain off. Most future scenarios using time travel often are. But once the Red Sun is gone and most normal humans get back their intelligence, it soon becomes apparent that this episode was filled with nothing else than hope and flaws. Take Chloe for instance. Sure she was hot as a warrior princess, and a cold calculating one at that to take out Tess at a moment’s notice. But I’m sorry, I just found it dumb how she first of all didn’t expose her Kryptonite knives or arrows the moment she stepped outside Watchtower and made herself a target. And second, was it just me or did Allison Mack completely phone in the least emotional death sequence of all time? Guess she got too used to them on this show or something. I sadly felt worse for Tess’ final moments than Chloe’s lame way of going out…

As for Clark Kent, it was good to see him finally being brave and forward, and a few scenes between him and Lois stick out in my mind, such as him giving up his father’s watch to save her life. Their romance during their sex scenes was decent, though it just wasn’t nearly as fun or creative as their little banter talk was at the end of the episode. And even if he was a complete douchebag in wanting to keep Lois in the dark about her memories and his secret (even in the goddam future), it technically wasn’t his fault that she didn’t remember anything after the whole procedure was done. Then again, it just bugs me to hell how Clark Kent never seems to get his head on straight, whether we’re talking about an alternative timeline or not. In the future, he gets killed by the same frickin’ knife that he brought to kill Zod in the first place. And in the present, he was dumbass enough to go charging into Belle Reeve where he should’ve remembered is filled with Kryptonite from the infinite amount of Meteor Freak and Lex Luthor episodes in the past…

And I’m sorry, but I’m still not taking Zod seriously. He had all the power in the world here in Pandora, and yet he still went down easier than Clark Kent would as a super-villain. Sometimes I do find his speeches to be well written when it comes to Shakespeare and wine or truffles in the Luthor mansion, but then I hear his constantly changing English accents and I really can’t help but snicker beneath my breath. Worse of all, I really don’t know where the writers are trying to take this plotline between him and Clark. I mean, how the hell did the farmboy even find Zod and the Kandorians at the end of the episode. And why the hell is Clark now trying to help them (even if his father and the future told him to ‘save Zod’)? I mean, now that he’s found the bastard, long before the tower is ever created, why can’t he just beat them all the fuck up and send them back into their goddam bottle? Am I missing something here? Seriously, WTF?...

This was truly a bizarro episode. The only thing that I found positive, besides Erica Durance’s naked backside of course, was Oliver Queen finally stepping up and being a hero again. I even felt bad for him when Tess was dying in his arms. Seriously, this was the first and only time in a very long while that I’ve enjoyed Justin Hartley’s acting on screen. It just sucks that it came at the expense of every other character and every other shred of dignity that this ninth season of Smallville managed to earn. WTF?...

And you know what’s really sad? I’m both thankful and disappointed that Lana fucking Lang didn’t show up to save the day. Her super-powered body made of Kryptonite should’ve sadly been the real hero in this bizarro world and saved the planet here against the Kandorians. Is it wrong that I actually wanted her to show up for once, if only to save us from the humiliation that the rest of the characters displayed? WTF?...

In the end, it’s not just the Kandorians I wish had never been let out of the bottle. I wish the writers could be stuffed back there as well, after ruining all the good momentum they had going with Idol and giving us all this random crap of Clark Kent being the most idiotic douchebag in the past, present and future…

Not a great way to end the first half of season nine. Let’s hope not for a repeat of last year in the second half of the season here…

Y2kk Update: - Smallville: Idol small Smallville Week in Review (Spoilers...) -

Is it any real wonder, that the best episode of the season so far features the Wondertwins?

To be honest, I barely know who they are. I do know however, that their “power activation” sequence may have been the source of the modern day fist-bump, and ever deservedly so…

“Seriously, why the hell is Clark such a douchebag? He lets the Wondertwins find out about his identity within ten seconds flat, but even after falling in love with Lois and realizing she can handle his secret, he still gives her the oh shit looks? WTF?”…

Besides Clark Kent being an idiot once again, if there’s any episode to truly idolize from Smallville this season, it’s this one. I’m not really sure what made Idol such a fun hour to watch, but it just had that sort of wonder and charm that kept a smile on my face the whole time through. Maybe it was because it featured the Wondertwins, who may not have had enough scenes in the episode for my liking, but definitely blessed the screen whenever they were filled with awe and amazement at meeting the Red-Blue Blur. Their clutzness and later clutchness in becoming heroes is what this show should always be about. Or maybe I’m just a sucker for the dream fantasy come true of Warehouse 13’s Claudia finally meeting Chloe Sullivan? Of course, in my fantasies, the two are doing a hell of a lot more than just talking in Watchtower…

Okay, so besides being his usual douchebag and idiotic self, I guess Clark Kent wasn’t that bad. Idol was a great episode and perhaps the most enjoyable hour of television I’ve experience this entire fall so far, mainly because Clark and Lois have such undeniable chemistry together. Whether she was babbling about him to the shrink or shoving a foot-stool so that she would be eye-to-eye with the love of her life for their big kiss, there was just that sort of spark of magic and chemistry between the both of them that so many shows fail to ever achieve. Why the hell it took Smallville so many seasons to do so after they casted Lois Lane so long ago, I’ll never know. Either way, it’s paying dividends in this ninth season of the show and I think we as an audience couldn’t be happier. I still don’t get why the hell Clark won’t let her in on his secret even after she grew a brain and figured it out. I also don’t get why the writers won’t give us the fabled Lois and Chloe and Claudia threesome that I’ve been begging for months, but that’s besides the point. Clark

Kent

is a douchebag and so are the writers, but I still loved Idol for what it was worth…

Every character on the show had something meaningful to do. Okay, so I already forget if Oliver or Tess were in this episode, not like they’ve had any meaningful scenes all season long anyways. But I did think that despite being quite the Big Brother bitch at the end of the hour, Chloe Sullivan was at her very best here in Idol. Allison Mack is still the best actress that the show has to offer, and it was the little touches of maturity that the writers and director finally gave to her that made this episode truly stand out. For once, Smallville as a series truly felt like a show about superheroes and Chloe was one of them. Clark Kent sadly couldn’t pull off his entrance from the shadows properly, but hot damn could Chloe ever do so wearing that fine ass skirt and suit. I really honestly don’t get how Claudia could resist her charms and not jump on her like a goddam jaguar then and there, but I guess the writers and the actresses can’t be perfect all the time…

And the overall plotline of Idol was finally one that I could get behind in terms of both season and character development. Having Clark Kent be a true role model for younger heroes in the world is a great message and storyline for the current and all future seasons to have. It also helps that I liked both actors who played the Wondertwins, and the CG special effects of turning into ladybugs or simply fist bumping each other into a pool of ice or sea of fog were very well done. There was only one main complaint I had about this episode, and for that it deserves yet another WTF small Smallville moment in review…

“Seriously, what the hell was up with the Batman: Dark Knight rip-off scenario? An evil DA wants to unmask the vigilante hero? WTF? What the hell was with Clark trying to be all shrouded in darkness with that Batman wannabe voice over the goddam cellphone? He was far less Bruce Wayne and much more Christian Bale from goddam Terminator Salvation than anything else. What a douchebag…”

Okay, so that part of the plotline sucked. But when it came to the character development for Clark Kent, Lois Lane, Chloe Sullivan and thankfully Jimmy the Bimmy dead in the ground, I can’t help but give Idol two thumbs up. And if only for setting up the future storyline of Claudia coming back to Chloe for more?...

Y2kk Update: - Smallville: Kandor small Smallville Week in Review (Spoilers...) -

It seems Kandor was quite the popular episode, if critics are to believed. So I guess, you can almost say, season nine “Kan-do” what previous seasons “Kan-don’t”…

Err, alright, I apologize. Horrible pun. Sorry, I’m still just bitter at the old Super Nintendo vs Sega Genesis commercials of the blast processing past and I sadly couldn’t think of a better opening line…

“The writers finally do something right in bringing in a great actor to play as a young Jor’el, then they kill him off in just one episode? Are they trying to piss off fans and keep the show stuck in neutral? WTF?”…

I know Julian Sands best as the leader of the Ori from Stargate SG-1, and to be honest, I almost snickered when I saw him talking to the Kryptonian tribunal in what seemed like a cross between the Superman movies and the last seasons of the Stargate series. Still, I will gladly admit that he was the greatest part of this episode, especially when he was learning all about the son he never knew he had from Chloe in the Kent household. Not only did I like the little touches of continuity, such as the reminder of Jor’el’s time on earth back in the 50’s or whenever, but I also thought Julian Sands put in an amazing performance next to Allison Mack, the best actress on the series still to date. You could honestly feel Jor’el’s confusion turned happiness turned back to sadness when he first learned of his son and later the reason why Kal-El was sent to earth as a baby. The barn scene will probably stand as one of the best that the series will ever produce…

I just can’t say the same for the rest of Kandor, however. I’ve read a lot of comments on the internet that right from the get-go, Kandor was perhaps the best episode of Smallville ever made. I don’t disagree that the script was well written, but I just didn’t feel like the total episode was fleshed out enough to feel like a whole. First of all, where the hell was Lois Lane? The writers simply wanted to leave us hanging after the kiss of a cliffhanger they left us with in Crossfire? Sure, she was mentioned as running off because of her own intimacy issues, but it just felt like such a lame excuse simply because the actress isn’t contracted for every show of the season. And when it came to Oliver Queen, sure some have complimented the actor for his strong delivery of his wish to be held by his parents just once more, but all I really do remember of the guy was him complaining about water in the middle of the Turkish desert. Why didn’t Clark Kent just super-speed him everywhere once they landed on ground? Is he really that lazy and inconsiderate?...

I also still don’t get that feeling that someone like Callum Blue and his merry band of misfits are a true threat. They spend half the episode threatening Tess, even though I’m still laughing that she probably took out the supposedly badass Kryptonian last week with a spork. And once again, Zod is proven to achieve nothing but whine and complain and throw a few harmless punches at his old best friend who he may or may not have even killed at the finish. Some fans really enjoyed the scenes on Krypton where Zod and Jor’el were together, fighting to save Kandor and then of Callum Blue begging for his best friend to bring back his dead son. While obviously this at least gives Zod some sort of extra dimension to flesh out his motivations, I still didn’t feel any sort of sympathy or intimidation from anything that the character did on screen. I’m still waiting for his grand vision to come to fruition, whatever that may be. And spouting Shakespeare while muttering awkward lines about wine tasting with Tess in bed was just not enough…

I guess though, the main reason I found myself disappointed with this episode was because of Clark Kent himself. Sure, the music was rousing and the atmosphere of the episode thanks to Julian Sands felt almost epic in nature. Maybe I’m just disappointed that we won’t get to see the latter back on the show anytime soon if ever again, but I wanted and expected a lot more from the return of a living Jor’el than some random Vulcan nerve pinch and then an emo graveyard scene. Tom Welling has great chemistry with Erica Durance and he used to have lots of clever banter with Chloe Sullivan, but here neither of those two relationships existed and all we were left with was a Clark Kent giving “oh shit” looks and angsty stares as the father he never knew died in his arms. After a brilliant scene where Chloe talks about how great Ma and Pa Kent were in the past, I guess it just didn’t feel real enough that Clark Kent would become so emotionally unbalanced from the father her never knew pass away in his arms, especially considering the real Jor’el was still sniping at him back at the goddam Fortress of Solitude. WTF?...

Kandor had all the elements to become one of the best episodes of Smallville ever made, and for many people out there on the net, it seems that it was. It did feel like a episode more about Superman than some random emo kid from Smallville for once, but perhaps my expectations were simply too grand after seeing the opening scenes in the Kryptonian trenches where the series seemed to have stolen firearms from the Genii of Stargate Atlantis. I wanted to see Julian Sands in scenes with Terrance Stamp at the Fortress of Solitude, I wanted him to meet Clark Kent for more than just one random line of being proud of the son he’s never known, and I wanted the awkwardness of Lois Lane coming back in town to meet the father of the man she loves. The series could’ve grown so much with Julian Sands being on even a few more episodes on the series down the road, in the same way Lionel Luthor and the Kent parents were such a blessing to the show in the past. Unless Jor’el’s death was faked in some sense for whatever reason, I just feel the writers have wasted yet another perfect opportunity to have a real goddam show I can respect…

So in a sense, I guess you can say, Kandor “Kan-don’t” what I hoped the series “Kan-do”…

Ladies and gentlemen, we have officially stepped into the Bizarro Stargate world, where in space, nobody can hear you scream but everyone can hear you emote and whine. I never thought that I’d see such ham-fisted space opera bullshit in a Stargate series in my lifetime, and I can only have “SyFy” and goddam Battlestar Galactica to blame for that. Though at the same time, even I admit, sometimes it’s nice to have a change of pace. I don’t mind bastardly bullshit like we got here in Earth, as long as I’m not forced to endure the same four or five seasons of goddam emo crap that I already suffered through on BSG…

But seriously, what have they done to our precious General O’Neill? I understand the reasoning behind creating a bunch of asshole idiots to run around the Destiny, provided they’re all brand new character who are “the wrong people in the wrong place”. The problem is though, maybe it’s good that Richard Dean Anderson hasn’t been called upon to do a third episode this season, because they really are making his character seem like a boring political asshole in charge. I understand that O’Neill is under pressure to follow the orders of the IOA, and obviously Colonel Young is no Daniel Jackson to have clever comedy banter with or whatnot. But why are the writers turning RDA into such a stiff who seems completely at the mercy of all the politicians around him and can’t even crack a proper smile anymore? I understand they don’t want the old O’Neill to ruin the dark, edgy, emo atmosphere that they’ve already set up for Stargate Universe, but then why bring back O'Neill at all if they’re just going to ruin his character? WTF?...

With that said, I must admit that at least for the time being, I still enjoy how thoroughly dumbass and generically stereotypical every single member of the rest of the cast is written. It’s like watching a bad Sci-Fi film that you just can’t turn away from, no matter how hard you try. Ronald Greer in Earth managed to do nothing but sit around in his jail cell and moan to Scott about how much he wants to beat Telford up, and you know what the sad thing is? Ha, I actually got a good laugh out of it all, and I’m sadly considering Greer of all people to be the most likeable and enjoyable of the entire cast and crew so far. He’s just so inexplicably angry and he’s just so generically badass that how the hell could you not adore his character? All he wants is to beat people up to make himself happy. How could you not relate and root him on?...

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Stargate Universe is really the most randomly and ridiculously hilarious Stargate series I think they’ve ever made, whether that’s intentional or not. The “glitch” in the body-swapping stones was amazing here. I mean, talk about awkward, being transferred back to your body as the man you hate is boning his wife? Who here wouldn’t laugh out loud at the sheer stupidity of that scene? And who here wouldn’t find it entertaining, at least until we start thinking about the ramifications of it all? Because once you start pondering more in depth, you’ve got to wonder what the hell the Pentagon and General O’Neill are thinking, letting people in bodies that are not even their own to have sex with whoever they want and get drunk and date raped as much as possible. It’s all just so dumb and so ridiculously stupid that you can’t help but laugh and somehow keep watching the train wreck for more…

The Chloe stuff with her best friend sleeping with her ex-boyfriend was nauseating at best. Having a Stargate episode of all series to take place in a bar featuring some random 80’s-wannabe singer was even more eye-rolling, to say the least. I mean seriously, what is this lame attempt at trying to be cool and hip and trendy? What the frak is this, Caprica? I get that the writers wanted both Chloe and the viewers to realize just how meaningless she feels her whole socialite of a life has been, with no real friends she can trust and no real achievements in life to call her own. I understand that and I even accept that we had to go through some lame ass clubbing scene in order to get the emo job done. The key here though is that the writers must now start letting Chloe grow, or else Earth as an episode was a complete waste of time. If she continues to whine and gripe about how useless she is, she will become as unlikable of a character as the worst there is on the tween dramas of today, and will only prove to me how useless the writers are too…

But wait, how can I possibly stay mad at the crew behind SGU when they gave us the hilarious bitch-slap scene of Chloe and Eli in the car? I mean seriously, wow, I think all of us men have been in the Friend Zone trap before, but it must have double hurt for Eli considering he had even taken over the body of a trendy hipster alien from the Smallville future and still got the Friend Zone speech from the girl he wants. Ha, and I even liked the touch from the writers that Eli saw the whole “you’re a good friend” moment coming from a mile away. The writers even made us sympathize with him by letting us see his imagination’s point of view of her slutty alcoholic kiss, and yet still he got bitch-slapped down after begging her in some other guy’s body to not say those four fateful words. If there was any true saving grace to Earth as an episode, it was Eli Wallace, whether he was referencing Phillip Fry from Futurama or even enjoying something as simple as a Coca-Cola during his time with his mother. Eli was meant to help us geeks and nerds relate to the series, and unfortunately for me at least, I think I can painfully relate too fucking much to his scene with Chloe in the car...

It’s also sad to think that a clubbing scene in Stargate of all series would become the highlight of an episode, but the moments on Destiny really seemed to bore me to tears alas. We did get a good scene out of Telford talking to Nicolas Rush however, and it gave us at least a bit of insight into what the good doctor’s intentions just may be. He seems absolutely obsessed with the Destiny, almost as if he knows something about the ship and its journey that the rest of the SGC does not, whether it be technology or ascension for himself or whatever. The problem with all previous episodes however, was that his intentions were always a complete shot in the dark by the viewers. But at least for now, Telford has given us a more concrete example of just why Dr. Rush seems to be the bastard that he is. After forcing the Icarus Planet to dial the ninth Chevron, Rush may have doomed everyone to death and he certainly wouldn’t be given a warm welcome then on his return to earth. He also seems to be a completely selfish egoist, wanting to carve for himself his name in history and he feels the Destiny is his best and only remaining way to do so. I actually thought it was both clever and stupid how he rigged the dialing process to fail at the end of the episode. I mean, doesn’t anyone but Young want to look over his shoulder and make sure that Rush was right?...

But alas, no matter how much of a bastard that Rush tries to be, he just can’t outdo that good ol’ Telford. What a fucking bastard. And sadly, just like with Greer, it’s all so unintentionally hilarious that I love it…

Colonel Young is a sap pulled straight out of the writer’s manual for a soap opera (or wherever they also got the personality for Chloe as well). So finally it’s confirmed that the Colonel had an affair with Tamara and he’s still dreaming of the forbidden fruit of the loins to this very day. But he still loves his wife and tries to get her back, while still being a complete goddam dumbass in the process. Seriously, how dumb must he be to frak his own wife while in the body of a younger man? What happens if she falls in love with Telford, or worse yet, gets pregnant or receives a goddam STD from the body that Young was in? WTF?...

Also, where are the moral ramifications of using another man’s body to bone your own wife? Sure, “The Man” in me wants to give Colonel Young a “hell yeah” for what he did, and I’m sure “The Man” in Telford probably felt like the stones glitched out on him at exactly the right place and exactly the right time. But wow, Colonel Young must really be a dumbass to assume and imagine that Telford would either never find out about Young’s actions in his borrowed body, or that Telford would never want some warm apple pie to go along with his revenge best served cold. Naturally, “The Man” in me wants to give a goddam fist-pump to Telford, for appearing at the end and pretending like he’s Colonel Young to get it on with the enemy’s wife. But when you think about it deeper, deeper than Young ever got, isn’t that essentially rape? WTF?...

In a previous Stargate series, I would safely imagine and assume that Telford would show up to simply and honestly tell Young’s wife about what her husband did morally wrong. But alas, this is Stargate Universe, and apparently that sort of good natured hint of humanity is just not “human” enough for the show…

Now, don’t get me wrong though. Unfortunately, knowing that this is all just television, I’m going to laugh so fucking hard once Colonel Young finds out about it all. I can already imagine him and Ronald Greer walking around in jakked, borrowed bodies, looking to lay the smackdown on Telford’s bastard ass…

Sigh, I know that this will never be the Stargate I fell in love with so long ago…

But damn, I don’t want to say it, but it’s hilarious enough to be a good friend…

Seriously, what’s with all the catchphrases on this series? Is there a single episode that goes by where Colonel Young doesn’t mutter something repetitive and utterly generic like, “these are the wrong people in the wrong place”? Are the Stargate Universe writers trying to start a trend where everyone takes a shot of liquor every single time a character says the same old shit or Jack Bauer goes “damn”? WTF?...

There’s just something so off and off-putting about SGU as a series so far. Beyond the lame catchphrases and elementary-school style episode-naming conventions, the characters themselves in the series just seem like such generic caricatures, as if the writers simply took every single personality template they could from darker, more edgy and emo series such as Battlestar Galactica, and lost the hotness factor that was a thousand naked Grace Parks at once…

And you know what’s ever more sad? Problem is, I kind of like my television this damn stupid…

Take Ronald Greer as an example. He is literally a walking stereotype of a generically jakked, angry black man. You’d think I’d have an issue with that, but apparently not as I find him to be one of the most likeable and entertaining members of the cast and crew. All he did in Water was waltz around the ship, constantly itching her finger on the trigger of a goddam flamethrower, and hurling around little snipes such as Tamara Johansen not trusting him one damn bit. Greer was nothing more than a complete stereotype of the token black guy meant to be the muscle of the ship, but can I really be faulted that I still found him that damn hilarious and that damn enjoyable? I’m sorry, sometimes I just want mindless entertainment, and Ronald Greer is pretty much as mindless as they come. He just wants to hit things; how can I not like that?...

A lot of eyebrows were raised as to why Colonel Young chose himself to go on the arctic expedition, even if he may have a lot of experience in that regard. It was also pathetic that he and Scott only managed to bring back enough water to probably save the crew for one or two days at maximum, but hopefully the writers will leave that fallout for another day. The main bulk of the episode was boring as hell, consisting of Colonel Young simply heaving and practically humping himself in an attempt to pull Lt. Scott out of that ice crevasse. I assume there should’ve been some tension or suspense though, but the writers really left that plotline as dry and predictably generic as Greer constantly wanting to take off his shirt. Nothing happened on that ice planet, and the ramifications of their return only led to more Chloe and Eli emoting. WTF?...

The stuff happening back on Destiny was decent though. How could I not laugh hysterically at the dumbass Air Force officer who decided to shoot friggin’ bullets at a cloud of unknown aliens? Seriously, doesn’t the SGC program have some sort of quality control, yet this so-called uber-important Icarus project had the dumbest red shirt I’ve ever seen since the original Star Trek, also features a medical officer who’s only skill is to sleep her way to the top (and literally steps over the dead bodies of all the superior officers she’s screwed), and has an ambiguously evil doctor of a scientist who wasn’t even smart enough to get the ninth Chevron working until some random gaming hacker came along to pine and emote over some party girl. And yet, as dumb as all the above may sound, it does make for some damn entertaining space opera television, for now at least. The writers definitely have to be careful though and pay attention to what happened on BSG. Characters making mistakes at first is tolerable and even hilariously enjoyable, but if they never grow past their old selves and they never seem to learn? Well, you get Lana fucking Lang…

I will give credit to the writers for one thing. They promised us more exotic aliens on the series, and the swarm of swirling desert mites or whatever they may have been was definitely a nice change of pace. I also enjoyed Greer burning the fuck out of them with a flamethrower, but that’s besides the point. The plotline on the Destiny also led to at least some decent character development. Tamara Johansen finally got to be useful for the first time outside of petting Colonel Young like a lovesick puppy, and I even sort of liked how she stood up to the stereotypical angry black man with the gun. Eli got to play support and even had that classic Hoth ice planet line that I think we all laughed at back during the original SGU trailer. Rush was toned down to the point where you could almost agree with his point of view about leaving Scott behind, although I imagine if the Destiny has a smart enough artificial intelligence, it would simply travel to another planet filled with more water and attainable ice. And how the hell could I not laugh hysterically at the epic showdown between Chloe and Lt. Boobs? You’ve got to love the space opera drama between two queen bitches fighting over a womanizing priest. Who comes up with this shit on the staff anyways?...

I don’t know if I’m supposed to laugh at everything happening on the ship and how ridiculously stupid all the characters have been acting. But hey, as long as it provides me with some sense of entertainment for now, why the hell wouldn’t I keep watching? That is, for now at least, unless the characters become as tirelessly repetitive as the Battlestar Galactica Cylon templates that every friggin’ personality was copied from on this goddam ship…

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Stargate Universe indeed has potential. But there’s a point where novelty and potential alone simply fades into eye-rolling obscurity. And one of these days, hopefully sooner rather than later, the writers will really have to step up their game to construct some sort of foundation that’s not just based on sheer unintentional hilarity. And you know what that’s going to take?...

Y2kk Update: - Smallville: Crossfire small Smallville Week in Review (Spoilers...) -

The strange, one-word naming conventions of Smallville titles persist. What does Crossfire even mean in this situation?...

“I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Oliver Queen is truly the whipping boy of the series. So even now that he’s got his mojo back, Richard Gere-ing his way to a pretty prostitute woman, he still can’t take care of one piddly little pimp? WTF?”…

Okay, I admit, the scene where Clark Kent catches the SMG bullet right before it hits Oliver in the eye was pretty neat, and goes down in the Hall of Fame of cool scenes in pointless episodes such as Clark Kent riding a nuclear missile long ago. Really though, did anything happen of worth in the first half hour or so of the episode? Now that Lana Lang is gone, it’s like we’ve entered a Bizarro Realm where the last twenty or so minutes of a Smallville hour are not just bearable but actually the positive highlight of the show. I don’t remember a thing that Clark did before saving Oliver Queen, getting his ass replaced on television by a blonde cameo of The Kat, and then making out with Lois Lane to the sound of swelling music. But those latter three scenes all stand out as some of the most memorable we’ve had all season long so far, and even if they all happened within only a fifteen minute span, how can I really complain?...

Alright, maybe there actually were a few entertaining scenes in the first half hour of the show, but none of them featured Clark. The actress who played Mia was absolutely adorable (I think I sadly saw her on that Bionic Woman reboot a few years back), and although I know almost nothing about this ho-gone-HIV sidekick of the Green Arrow, I really liked the actress’ performance here of her own little Pretty Woman. Oliver was finally confident and more like his old self again, even barging in on Lois’ television date simply because he could. That’s the kind of personality I miss from his earlier days on the series, and I’m thankful we got a bit of his old flair back here. He also had great mentor-like chemistry with Mia, and I hope she returns for a few future episodes because a) she played the role well, and b) yes, she’s hot…

Crossfire’s greatest strength though was pretty much every scene that Erica Durance was in. I feel dirty for saying that Chloe has been pushed aside as the lead female of the series, but Lois Lane really has all the clever dialogue and concussion counts on the series now. I unfortunately don’t remember anything that Chloe did in this episode, except cutely talk to “The Hand” (and I pray she has not found her romantic interest for the season in that goddam emo MIT hacker guy). Lois on the other hand though, whether she was bantering with Clark over his Mother Teresa of a date or whether she was really being honest with Oliver about her feelings for the other guy, she just had that kind of sass and charm that really makes Erica Durance feel like the best Lois Lane I’ve seen on screen. Of course, the ending scenes of her giving uber-literal lines in a dark alleyway and then getting kidnapped with her ass kicked yet again, made me want to give myself the very concussion I’m shocked they didn’t give her. But the payoff with the kiss with Clark at the end somehow just felt right and actually made me forget about the shortcomings of Crossfire for the time being. The writers are finally moving forward with their characters and for once the series feels real…

Still, after all I’ve watched and written, I still don’t get the goddam title. WTF does Crossfire even mean here? Does it somehow relate to that Billy Zane, Hitman-movie wannabe of a Kandorian that Tess probably killed with a fork and spoon? Is the title meant to instill some sort of fear from Callum Blue just looking lost and emo blue at the goddam café as the so-called super-villain of the season? WTF?...

The episode felt right only from Lois Lane and every scene she was in. The series would feel even more perfect if Lois would only be given the opportunity to spread her chemistry (and so much more) with Mia and Tess at the same damn time…

Okay, I know it’s lazy of me to combine two episodes into one single review, but right now Stargate Universe still doesn’t deserve enough of my attention and loyalty to write every week. The series definitely shows a lot of potential but already I’m getting tired of the cliché characters and the goddam checklist of “emo, edgy” scenes and generic lines of dialogue to have, ripped straight from the BSG manual…

The good thing about the series so far, the only real bright light to shine on the show I feel, is the continuity they’ve already shown throughout the first four episodes. Old Stargate series would have never have made sure the actors’ kept their tan lines like they did here after arriving back from the desert planet. And sometimes I do find myself pleasantly surprised by some of the so-called “realism” of the series, especially the idea that Dr. Rush amongst many are suffering from simple nicotine and coffee withdrawal. It’s the little touches like that which pique my interest and give me notice that the writers want this series to work…

Absolutely the best thing of the series so far is the returning sense of awe and wonder we used to have back in the first seasons of SG-1 and Atlantis. Space finally feels fantastic and dangerous again, in the same spirit as one would expect from watching the best of Star Trek really. The Destiny may be the most durable ship the Ancients ever built, but in order to maintain it, they had to keep it “simple” and kind of steam-punk, so to speak. Scenes such as the aero-braking maneuver around the gas giant and the beautiful CG of the Destiny actually absorbing the plasma or elements from a living star were breath-taking in both concept and execution. Both moments were great reminders of why I fell in love with Stargate in the first place, and characters such as Eli and Chloe in their naiveté and innocence really helped highlight the wonder and authenticity of the scenes as well. Finally the characters feel like they’re at the mercy of the grandeurs of space and their odyssey yet again, and it’s definitely the best part of Stargate Universe so far…

Unfortunately though, so far I have to admit that I’m really losing interest in the lives of many of the characters so far. Why is Colonel Young being such a pussy-whipped ass, trying to get his mack on with his ex-wife or something while inside of Telford’s body, instead of trying to do something productive and constructive to help his people? I like his hard-nosed sense of humour, and I even don’t mind his lame catchphrases that they’ve forced upon him (“a lot of work”, “do you want a gold star?”). But why shove straight into our faces his horribly over-emotional and boring private life bullshit? I complained about this all the time on BSG, and I’ll do the same here. If it ain’t interesting, I don’t care. Let the character grow at his own pace, developing and maturing slowly as the season wears on. Don’t force it in our faces, please…

And was anyone else sort of weirded out by Lt. Scott Priest having sex with Chloe and probably his last condom? I mean sure, I guess it makes sense that a) feelings would develop during what the two characters believe might be their last days alive, and b) Chloe is an emo, high maintenance bitch who latches and clings on to any man walking on two legs or less. But I just feel the writers didn’t develop this relationship at all, I felt like there was no warning or signs that the two even remotely had feelings for one another, especially to the point where Chloe would exclaim she feels closer to Scott than anyone ever before. Seriously, what is she, a little tween girl in her grade school years here? Or is it simply that the writers here don’t know how to conceive of any relationships past the Goosebumps and Twilight textbook phases?...

I’m going to hope that the only real reason for the sudden and abrupt sex scene to the candle-light fire of the star outside, was simply to make us viewers see the point of view of Eli Wallace and sympathize with him. It was obvious from the moment that Chloe felt safe enough to let Eli of all people guard her as she got naked in the steam shower, that she was setting him up for the dreaded friend zone that I think every single guy knows about. And it was honestly hilarious (intentional or not) just how clueless Eli was to being set up this way, as you can honestly feel him trying to get romantically closer to Chloe as they hold hands on the balcony, but Chloe is simply too smitten with bulging muscles that walk to notice that the gaming geek is there. And I’m hoping that in due time, it turns out Scott is just a womanizer and dumps Chloe back for that Lt. Boobs or whatever we want to call Vanessa James el naturale. While I’ll be the first to admit that this is all the most emo, angsty, immature, Twilight-esque love quadrangle I know on television today outside of the Vampire Diaries, I will also admit that it’ll be funny and fun as hell when the plotline finally pays off…

As for the rest of the cast, I don’t remember anything that Tamara Johansen did except stare at flight consoles as if she was the generic ensign of the week on the Enterprise. Camille Wray was nowhere to be found, except to bitch and complain that she deserves to be on that shuttle because M. Bison already ruined her life. Ronald Greer was simply the angry black man again, taking his shirt off to excite whatever teen and Caprica fans are actually watching the show these days…

I’m probably even forgetting a character here, but moving onto Nicolas Rush, he was finally a more tolerable character for once, not letting us know his true intentions but at least proving through his reactions and his acting that he wants the ship to survive along with everyone else. The ending scene of Light was one of the best so far of the series, with the whole cast and crew laughing together as a single team, but why the hell did the writers have to ruin it with a completely out of left field remark from Colonel Young? Is it a running gag of the writers to make the men in charge as much of suicidal douchebags as possible? It was completely out of line for the Colonel to suddenly insinuate in front of everyone in the mess-hall that Rush knew the ship was going to survive all along. Where was his proof, and why not tell Rush in private? If Rush really thought the Destiny would live, why did he let most of the supplies escape with the shuttle? Why even take the risk of the shuttle leaving and never returning then? Why is Young such an asshole? It’s like the writers simply have a quota of how many “is Rush evil” moments they need in an episode. WTF?...

And that brings me to the absolute worst part of Darkness and Light. Who here among us actually didn’t see the big surprise at the end coming from a light year way, that the Destiny purposely headed towards a star in order to refuel? Anyone with common sense who’s seen even a single episode of Sci-Fi would’ve realized that the odds of the Destiny aero-braking around a gas giant and “accidentally” heading towards the centre of a star are astronomically slim, and the writers made the situation even worse by not having a single goddam character even highlight the possibility that the Destiny was about to refuel. Why are the writers treating their audiences like we’re goddam idiots? Couldn’t they at least have made a statement earlier on in the episode that no ship has ever been known to survive within the density of a star? Why was every single character just a dumbass along for the ride simply for the sake of plot? WTF?...

A wise man once said, “let there be light”. While there were certainly flashes of it here in these two episodes, most of it just felt like goddam Twilight instead, beaming angsty-bullshit into the room as Lt. Scott and Chloe the Slut got it on to the sound of emo music…

I can only hope that the series improves from here on in. It does have potential and I’ll still continue to watch, if only for the Stargate name, if only because Chloe is such a fucking funny whore, and if only because Eli Wallace stuck in the friend zone is goddam hilarious…

Y2kk Update: - Smallville: Roulette small Smallville Week in Review (Spoilers...) -

I admit, I know nothing about the DC character of Roulette. All I know is that the previews showed an Asian woman kicking serious ass and that’s all I gave a damn about…

“So Oliver had the choice of the red pill or the blue pill from the lady in the red dress? And then he ends up back in that ridiculous green costume next to Neo on the rooftop? Wow, talk about falling down a goddam rabbit hole. WTF?”…

Now granted, I didn’t mind this episode overall. It wasn’t anything special or memorable, but at least it featured a decently choreographed fight between Lois and Roulette. As for Oliver, he really is such the whipping boy of the series. First, he gets his ass handed to him by Roulette, and then it turns out he was getting beaten to death by Chloe the whole time as well? What a complete pussy. Seriously, WTF?

Clark wasn’t much better this episode either. He was left clueless as to what was going on, although obviously that was in part because Chloe made sure he didn’t know a thing. I can’t even remember a single Clark scene except perhaps the end when he realized how many Kandorians had arrived on earth. At least that moment helped set up November sweeps and the main arc for the rest of the season, which is more than welcome after so many weeks of Callum Blue doing nothing but giving us hazy Matrix-blue scenes of the Metropolis city skyline as he sips tea and cites Buddha…

The episode belonged to Oliver, and he really was an idiot in so many ways. I mean seriously, he really didn’t see the blatantly obvious con coming when it came to his bank account? He probably didn’t even bother to check whether the blood from Roulette’s sniper shot was actually real or not. And was it just me, or did it strike anyone else as completely fucked up and odd that Oliver would suddenly believe that Roulette would be dumb enough to almost blow herself up near the end? The only real payoff for this episode was that finally the Green Arrow is back and I really did welcome his little superhero return discussion with Clark at the end. I didn’t mind the final five minutes of the hour, I just wish the rest of episode wasn’t as bad as the third goddam Matrix movie, that’s all…

It really is a gamble these days in this ninth season of the show, whether Smallville turns out to be a decent series or not. Some episodes like Metallo feel like the viewer wins big, while others like this one definitely reminds me more of a game of Russian goddam Roulette…

Sucky thing is, I wouldn’t even be able to start to play “The Game”. To be honest, I can’t goddam swallow pills. Sad, I know. What do I then?...