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Y2kk Update: - Smallville: Noir small Smallville Week in Review (Spoilers...) -

Smallville really is black and white in terms of just how shitty and crappy ass the series can be...

Noir had a good concept, not to mention a decent storyline with not so bad twists, contusions, popcorn concessions and concussions along the way. But unfortunately for the show runners once again, the execution completely sucked goddam darth monkey balls, to the point where all the film noir screen transitions reminded me more of goddam Star Wars than any actual great film back in the day...

"Lana fucking Lang dies again, just to tease us so? Please say this is all foreshadowing, because what the fuck is wrong with the writers? Why can't they just leave her be, dead on the floor? Why, motherfuckers, why?..."

Is it so wrong to say that I find Kristen Kreuk at her hottest when she's completely unconscious and down helpless on the floor with a bullet wound to the chest? Err, guess it is wrong, so that's a story for another day...

At least Noir got that part of the story right, about the hot ass women at least. Chloe looked like fucking shit in the past with her horrible half-accent, but at least Lana Lang was dressed as a pure doll, and Lois Lane as a 40's singer was decent enough in retrospect. Hell, if there's anything to really complement about this episode, it was the costumes and props. All the old skool cars and dresses and even the nerdy glasses that Clark Kent had going for him in the Daily Planet were all done well enough to remind me of the old days of Superman, to be honest. You know, the real Superman comics of yester-year, not this teen angst bullshit known only as a piss poor pre-Spiderman 3 rip-off...

But how the fuck can I possibly enjoy an episode in black and white that stars Jimmy fucking Olsen of all goddam fucktards? Probably the only time I smiled in this episode was when he announced he was being sent away for the rest of the season. Hell, that would've been the happiest moment of the season, if only I didn't know that the actor was already contracted to come back next year for the seventh. Instead of feelings of overwhelming joy, I was sentenced to just wallow in the shame and embarrassment of seeing Jimmy Olsen with a horrible accent and somehow no bow-tow, basically sleuth around to the point of deducing that anyone who smokes or has a cigarette case is obviously goddam evil in the end. And ironically enough, he was right on the money...

I can't just blame him, though. Even Michael Rosenbaum was off his game, seeming just like his usual Canadian hick of a self within Jimmy's dream world, acting as a rich tycoon with no accent and basically no use in existence but to scheme out generic MWAHAHAs. It was nice that we got evil Lana Lang out of it all again, but it was a bitchy kind of evil Lana this time around that I just didn't like. She tried to be all sexy and seductive with Jimmy the reporter, but it just failed so miserably as apparently the actress couldn't even pull that shit off, no matter how dolled and dressed up she may be. I was expecting some sort of big reveal at the end that would make all the shit we put up with her to be somehow made up for, but instead all we got were more cryptic messages about Lionel Luthor and more teen angst with goddam secrets kept from Clark fucking Kent. WTF?...

Lionel Luthor really is making no sense in the series. He was a bad guy a few episodes ago, then he seemed to turn back to the light side of the force, and now suddenly he seems pitted in an evil MWAHAHA war over Ares of all Helo-pussy wannabes? WTF? I guess he wasn't the one who sent the killer after Lana, despite Lang's suspicions, but Lionel is just plain confusing right now in his role in the Smallville universe. Does he even have a role at all besides being goddam ambiguously evil? Even John Glover couldn't pull off a good 40's accent for God knows what reason. Didn't he fucking live during that decade? WTF?...

Weirdly enough, the only thing I did enjoy in this episode (besides the cuteness that is Chloe in Superman's arms), was the fact that Tom Welling pulled off a decent enough Christopher Reeve's Clark Kent of an impression in the Daily Planet. He was actually convincing as a geek, and not that damn bad at being the suave superhero of a crime-fighter at night. If there is any reason to watch Noir again, it's ironically to see in a dream sequence the kind of world that Smallville should have been in the fucking first place. Hell, it even featured the aforementioned classic shot of Superman zooming in to catch the pretty girl and save the day. They apparently just don't make Superman episodes like they used to, because why the fuck can't the writers pull off this kind of shit on a regular goddam basis on the series? WTF?...

Noir is pretty much as black and white as you can get with a Smallville episode. There were times that it showed potential, times when it showed decent enough and thoughtful writing, and moments where you could actually feel the spirit of old skool Superman trying to rip and claw its way to the goddam surface...

... and then you got fucking Jimmy of all hosers of posers of losers, playing the goddam hero...

Noir might've done better on a whole if it was aired earlier in the season, before the final story-arc of Ares and Lex's total descent into madness was meant to take place. But here, this is where the writers and producers finally decided to unravel and unleash the useless storyline of Jimmy fucking Olsen on us, just in the middle of when Smallville was actually getting goddam interesting for once? Do they even have any sense of goddam momentum or know the fucking definition of the bloody hell word? WTF?...

Like I said, if I just wanted super-cheesy action and horrible scene transition sequences? I'd put in a goddam original copy of Star Wars, thank you very much...

... or hell's bells, if I'm really desperate, something from the goddam prequel trilogy...

Y2kk Update: - Smallville: Nemesis small Smallville Week in Review (Spoilers...) -

Just when I thought Smallville was becoming a decent series for the first time in goddam recorded history, the writers had to yet again pull some shitty ass moment from the bowel bullshit of their asses...

"Oh my God at goddam, fucking naked Helo. Why must you haunt me so, Helo? Why, goddammit, why? Why not a Grace fucking naked Park as a sexy slave supersoldier? Why must you taunt us so, goddammit, why?..."

Jesus fucking titty Christ, what is wrong with the goddam writers? Nemesis was a solid episode for the most part, starting off with strong moments with Lionel Luthor along with his son, then coming together with an absolutely ruthless (yet somehow enjoyable) Lana Lang pulling the ever proverbial strings, and Clark and Lex proving once again that their so-called friendship of the past really was the only decent thing the series once had going for it besides the ever omnipresent Chloe cleavage...

But then the writers once again, like always, decided to scrap whatever brain cells they had left in their craniums, and gave us some worthless bullshit scene of Lex being MWAHAHA-randomly evil all over again, staring at the goddam man pecks of goddam fucking Helo of all bullshit pansies and pussies to machinate. Where the fuck are my Grace Park sex slaves, goddammit? If we have to put up with Helo, at least throw us a bone and a boner like Battlestar Galactica does with God knows how many Grace naked Parks to compensate. Yet we got none of that saving fucking grace here in Smallville. Lex really is evil then, now isn't he? WTF?...

Really, the largest complaint I have with this episode oddly enough stems from Lex Luthor. I mean, I guess the writers did a decent job in the past outlining why his friendship with Clark went sour and awry. The only problem was, Clark was correct at the end of this episode, that he did give up on Lex far too soon, and probably helped turn him to the dark side in the process as well. Because if memory serves me right, it was like Clark Kent was just asking Lex for favours left and right in the past, and never actually being a friend 'cept by giving oh shit looks and stealing away Lana fucking Lang. From any neutral standpoint, we could all see that Clark Kent was abusing his friendship, money and power from Lex fucking Luthor, and anybody with real common sense would've ditched that Kent-ass farmboy long ago for hoarding so many damn personal secrets...

... and I don't think that's how the writers really intended the reasoning for their schism to go, me thinks...

But at least in that scenario, we saw the loss of their friendship gradually develop. What I still don't get, is how Lex went from a decent but confused man in the early seasons of Smallville to the monster he supposedly has become now. What fucking drove him to the point of stealing army men from overseas and turning them into goddam naked supersoldiers to scar the eyes of all men who watch and witness? WTF?...

We saw here in Nemesis that as Clark pointed out later on, there are still glimpses of humanity left in Lex's soul. He did come back to save Clark, even if perhaps it was just out of convenience for that ever-so convenient two-person ladder they both later found and climbed. So how the fuck did the poor bald sap who used to just play pool and piano all the time, turn into this goddam insane, corporate mongrel of a monster? It just sort of happened with no real logical explanation whatsoever. WTF?...

That's not to say that any of this is Michael Rosenbaum's fault. He's done a fine job of presenting Lex as an evil son of a bitch for the past two seasons, regardless of the random shit stupidity of the writers, and he once again did a damn fine job here in Nemesis. He's the only real actor on the show (next to perhaps John Glover) who can tell a thousand stories with his facial expressions alone, and I think he did just that when witnessing the blood trickling down the arm of Clark Kent. I really do think that the actor did a superb job in leaving the audience guessing as to whether he really was going to leave Clark down there to die alone or not. And if there is any real tribute to the writers to be given here this season, I really do think that Rosenbaum saved their asses by really selling and making us abhor his character for what he has done to Lana fucking Lang all season long...

... well, at least officially... under the table, I just can't help but root for the guy in turning Lana fucking Lang into a goddam fucking Luthor...

And you know what's strangely enough ironic? I wish that she had gone through a fake fucking pregnancy years ago, because her evil turn to the dark side has actually given the actress a reason to be on the goddam show. Kristen Kreuk is a horrible actress at being anything but a horrible bitch, but finally on the series the writers have given her a chance to shine. Against all sense of logic, I actually really enjoyed her performance here in Nemesis, as she threatened Lionel Luthor was accidental death and went so far as to spew a wonderful cauldron mix of sweet ass venom right back into the face of her husband when it was all said and done. Her speech was actually wondrous written, as the writers really do have a thing for merciless, meticulous malice and malcontent...

Finally, Kristen Kreuk has found an actual purpose on the show, which can only mean one thing in the near future...

... or the audience does, thanks to a certain lack of oh shit looks and goddam Clark Kent teen angst next season, at least...

Didn't Tom Welling just turn thirty years old or something, and yet still he spends the entire episode pining and sobbing away at the girl that Lex supposedly stole from him? Now yes, I always wanted a girl to be the dividing factor between Lex and Clark as friends and foes, and Michael Rosenbaum has really done my ideals for the series justice, but Tom Welling just seems to piss away all those achievements with his goddam one-dimensional acting. The only thing he provided in Nemesis was a fear of kryptonite, a puddle of superhuman blood, and yet another grudge of an oh shit pissing match while laying there helpless on the ground. Why is it that despite everything that Lex has done and done evil in the series, that we still end up siding with him whenever Clark Kent opens his dumbass mouth?...

... well, until we were forced to endure the naked and neutered Helo once more as torture to the goddam eyes, that is...

... God, Lex and the writers are such fucking bastards for inflicting that on us...

And if there were any real faults with Nemesis besides the goddam meaningless ending that pretty much came out of nowhere (yet nobody in their right mind should've been caught by surprise by it)? It's just that, not only was Chloe barely used in this episode at all (which is becoming quite the disturbing trend), but that once again we have no fucking clue where this storyline with Lionel fucking Luthor is going. Ma Kent admits later on that she still doesn't trust this replacement dad she's been whoring herself out to, and for good reason if you consider that he was the man who blackmailed Lana into marrying Lex at the altar...

But what is this now, that Lionel is claiming that he's protecting Clark from Lex or whatever sort of crap? Sure, I'm interested in what the writers have in mind there, but this constant see-sawing of his goddam character just seems to be showing off that the creative minds behind the series have really no fucking clue what to do with the best fucking acting they've ever had on the show. WTF?...

Still, while Nemesis did have its flaws, with the complete lack of Grace fucking Park sexing it up with her old Edgemont gal-pal of Lana fucking Luthor? At least it was still better than any fucking Star Trek movie I've seen of the same fucking name...

And at least it ranks right up there with Green Arrow and whatever other rare episode I've actually liked this year so far, as one of the most well written Smallville hours of this horrid, goddam sixth season of the show...

For once, the writers proved that perhaps when push comes to shove, they're not really my nemesis...

... because for a moment there, when even Lana fucking Lang for once was goddam bearable to watch?...

I saw a glimpse of something from the series that I haven't witnessed in a very long time...

Y2kk Update: - Smallville: Progeny small Smallville Week in Review (Spoilers...) -

Really, was there any real sort of enjoyment that we were supposed to extract from Progeny, except for the pains and languishes of one goddam Lana fucking Lang?...

"Colonel Pendergast figured it all out. Her pregnancy was faked to force a marriage to Lex Luthor? So, aha, she was a gold-digger afterall. That motherfucking bitch"...

How the fuck could I possibly not ball out in laughter at the scene where she's falsely accused of faking her own pregnancy to get married to a billionaire? I mean honestly, after knowing her for so many damn years and after just taking one look at that slut of a face, how the fuck could I not understand why the doctor assumed she was a fucking gold-digger right off the bat? She's been bat-shit insane for how many years on camera now, and it actually scares me knowing that the character will somehow now get even more angtsy and bitchy as the season wears on...

The rest of the episode focused on Chloe's mother, who had dark brunette hair for some goddam reason. She had an interesting power, the ability to control other meteor freaks, which apparently includes her own daughter to the point where bad, bloody parenting was involved. And oh, right, this episode also included her forcing her daughter to be stupid enough to attack Lex Luthor in a cheap looking BMV and get herself into trouble with the authorities to boot. Nice plan, mom...

Did we really learn anything more about Chloe this episode that we didn't already know or didn't care about? Out of the blue, we finally meet her mother, who actually turns out to be the new freak of the week. It was interesting I suppose, the talk that the two had as her mother was slipping back into a coma, if only in the sense that Allison Mack actually is a decent actress on the series. But besides more teen angst from the goddam series, not to mention yet another token appearance by everyone's favourite Ma Kent, Progeny offered no real value to the current season except by having Lex Luthor prove that he truly is one badass SOB...

Well, okay, so he also proved that he fucks up a hell of lot by having his secret 33.1 facility in a place where Chloe of all people could've taken a dozen photos of and gotten a hundred different voice recordings from. How the hell Lex Luthor could slip up bad enough to let some wind elemental asshole of a freak of a week escape from his Imperio of a prison, I will never know. But at least thanks to his threats against Chloe there at the end, not to mention the fact that he fucking faked Lana Lang's entire goddam pregnancy, it all cemented the fact that he really is the true villain of the series. I just don't see how his character evolved from the kind person he was in season one all to the way to this badass bullshit, but bleh, whatever. It's Smallville, so I merely shrug, accept it, and move on with my life...

Because isn't that what Clark Kent does, except when it comes to Lana fucking Lang of all people? He keeps pining and whining and going all emo whenever she admits to have a baby miscarriage, and yet never bothers to ever use his brain when Chloe of all people is bringing fucking kryptonite to his bedside? WTF? The only thing I did enjoy from Tom Welling's performance this episode, was the look on his face when waiting until the very last second whether to save Lex from a goddam tear gas canister to the fucking face...

... sigh... if only Lex Luthor really wanted to prove himself evil this episode, he should've forced the mother to make Chloe do a hell of a lot more pleasant things for him than just show up at his front door, if you know what I mean...

Fuck, if only Chloe's mother had forced her daughter to do a hell of a lot more pleasurable things to herself? Then fuck, maybe we would've had a decent episode then...

... of course, the fact that I kept thinking about that while noticing the distinct lack of Chloe cleavage in the episode, probably means I'm just as much of a bastard as Lex ever will be...

Not like I care, really. I mean, sure I may be evil, but unlike Lex Luthor, at least I'm also a realist and a true goddam pragmatist...

... not to mention a wannabe hypnotist who gets turned on by the goddam struggle, but that's a story for another day...

Y2kk Update: - Battlestar Galactica: Crossroads (Part 2) Season Finale Review (Spoilers...) -

Though no, I'm not talking about Crossroads (Part 2) as a goddam, frakkin' episode...

... but rather about the insane fact that apparently, Battlestar Galactica was just re-renewed for 22 fucking episodes next season...

I mean seriously, what the fuck? What the frak, and what the goddam fuck? WTF?...

The eternal optimist in me may try to grin at the possibility that SciFi is simply trying to load up on BSG episodes while they can, so that they can finally put the series to rest and cancel that goddam motherfucker while pulling off their BSG 4.0 and 4.5, overpriced boxset bullshit all over again. Though at least finally, then I'd know that Battlestar Galactica will have been finally put out of its misery, after episodes like Crossroads (Part 2) that literally made no fucking sense in any sense of the word whatsoever...

Well, alright. So maybe taken into the proper context, there was nothing in Crossroads (Part 2) that was actually that far out from left field. I mean, who here actually did think that Kara had died in Maelstrom in the most meaningless of deaths? Sure, those fake facts reported on the net about the actress being pissed as hell about her role on the series might've looked serious if only Katee Sackoff had anything better to do with her career. And it's been almost obvious all season long that either she was a frakkin' Cylon, or that she was some sort of god character that Ron Moore and his fucking love for Q (the TNG variety, that is) seems to goddam obsess over and adore...

I suppose that the Kara thing made sense in a goddam predictable and eye-rolling way, if you're into goddam mythology and shit like that. But what completely didn't make any fucking sense to me, was the fact that the "switch" that made Tigh, Anders, Tori and Tyrol all finally realize that they were Cylons, was the goddam Jimi Hendrix song of "All Along the Watchtower". I mean seriously, what the fuck was that? Cylon Christian Rock from way back on earth? WTF?...

First of all, having Tigh as a Cylon makes no fucking logical sense in the traditional line of thinking. He fought alongside the Colonials during the first fucking Cylon war, long before the human-like Cylons were ever first made. Second, it just cheapens the whole effect of the occupation, knowing that the two leaders of Anders and Tyrol were actually fucking Cylons all along and didn't know it. Third, how the fuck did Tyrol ever get a baby with fucking Cally of all evil bitches, unless apparently Cylons that become union leaders automatically get the gift of life as a benefit as well? What's even dumber, is that apparently Tyrol was having Cylon on Cylon action back in the first season with Boomer, yet the writers refuse to give us the same damn benefit with Tori and Grace Park to this very damn day. What the frak is up with that?...

I would even go so far and claim that it's all a trick, that the four were manipulated into thinking they were Cylons, if only Ron Moore hadn't already claimed that all four of them really were. So with All Along the Watchtower, the only real explanation for any of this bullshit comes from the far left outfield of goddam homerism, Odyssey and Iliad, religious crap. That is, it all happened long ago, and it's all happening yet again, if you get my fucking goddam drift...

If you start looking outside of the box at the concepts of Kara potentially being a god-like figure, of all the prophetic bullshit that the Six in Baltar's head and the Baltar in Six's head keep on spewing out, and at all the goddam hallucinations that the goddam Madame President seems to keep having? Then it becomes sadly obvious that Ron Moore is trying to shock us all with some sort of goddam eye-rolling revelation when it's all said and done. Or at least, something that would be revelatory, if only it hadn't been done in God knows how many fifty-cent, two-bit, cheapass novels over the past hundred years or so...

Whether the final answer will be that apparently humans from earth actually invented the Cylons and the Colonials are all actually a form of Cylon themselves, or that it's the Cylons from the fleet who end up founding and evolving earth as we know it today, does it really matter? It's all so fucking hokey and goddam bullshit, SciFi cliche that I honestly can't believe that this same kind of crap is coming from the same damn series that supposedly prides itself on real life situations and modern-day moral dilemmas. WTF?...

And once again, I ask again, "All Along the Watchtower"? WTF is this shit? Was Jimi Hendrix a Cylon all along? WTF?...

... oh, please tell me there's some kind of way out of here, out of this joke of a series...

Now, at least I tried to take solace and a bit of reprieve from the trial of Gaius Baltar, as really, I do have to tip my hat off to the writers for instilling some form of common sense into Lee Adama's big ass speech. Because he was completely right, that while Baltar was indeed a coward and a collaborator (and possibly a traitor), he only really did so to preserve his own life. He would've died long ago if he had stood up to the Cylons, but since he never did, the mob wanted him dead here and now. Which completely contradicted the general pardon to all collaborators that Laura Roslin had given out months ago, yet here she was, the one who wanted Baltar's head on a silver platter the most out of all. Admiral Adama probably summed it up best when it was all said and done, that innocent is not the same as "not guilty", as the verdict for Gaius Baltar was actually right when it all comes down to the state of the Colonial race as we know it...

But oh dear God, did the writers have to give Jamie Bamber the most whiny of obnoxious of teen angsty lines? First of all, a note to the creators of the show: DO NOT ever repeat fucking lines on screen, like "what we did to ourselves... what we did to ourselves". That kind of bullshit works on paper, works even in writing when it comes to novels, but just sounds so unnatural when said out loud except from the best of fucking actors. And how the fuck did the judges allow Lee to preach out his entire damn lecture to the people for God knows how many endless minutes? The prosecution was right, that it simply was not fair to outline your entire goddam moral high ground bullshit in the court room on the witness stand like that. You wait until the closing remarks where you actually have a fucking goddam time limit, that's fucking what. WTF?...

I liked what Lee Adama had to say about the whole damn frakked up situation. I just couldn't stand how he said it, and what little the writers had to actually give the man to work with, besides the usual goddam teen angst bullshit crap against his father. And what was even dumber, was that after it was all said and done in a goddam attorney suit, he suddenly decides to suit up again and pilot Viper 3 after pushing a giant goddam reset button yet again for his character? What, were there honestly no damn repercussions for the kind of crap he pulled with his father before? So just like that, he's forgiven once more? WTF?...

There were definitely some decent scenes littered and scattered throughout the whole of the episode. I actually smirked at Felix purging the courtroom with his own sense of Puritanical justice, I thought that Laura Roslin and Admiral Adama had a touching (but heart-breaking) scene with one another when it was discovered that the latter had been the swing vote in the courtroom, and I really was damn turned on by Tori there as she was being seduced by Anders of all fucking losers. My fucking God, if only Grace Park had that kind of acting skills at looking horny and helpless for sex as hell, I'd be in my bunk rather than writing this goddam noname review of mine right fucking now...

But there were just so many other moments that were just so damn mindfrakking dumbass, and not in a goddam fucking creative way, that the episode couldn't help but be ruined as much as the goddam Opera House was back on Kobol. The dream sequences with Athena and the president led absolutely nowhere, and neither did any of the speeches that Lampkin gave to Number Six just a few episodes before about love and Gaius Baltar. Sure, I assume that the Baltar in Six's head will play some sort of important role next season, but as it stands right now? It's just a loose fucking thread that led nowhere except to some more bullshit theories how Hera (and maybe she'll have a husband some day called Zeus) might end up restarting the goddam human race on earth or some cliche crap like that...

Basically, I liked much of the execution in Crossroads (Part 2), but I completely couldn't stand the direction that I personally am seeing the plot and storyline of the series lean towards. From the grim reality and memories of suicide bombers in goddam Exodus, to now Kara fucking Thrace showing up out of nowhere with the Viper we fucking saw blow to pieces in Maelstrom? The series has truly jumped the ever proverbial shark into goddam la-la fantasy land, and that's saying a hell of a lot when talking about science fucking fiction...

... but rather how Ron Moore, after just three fucking seasons of the show, could've already lost his goddam frakkin' mind...

Fuck, he didn't even give us more than five fucking seconds of Grace fucking Park. Why couldn't he have given us the same damn scene of Tori being seduced by the scent of the neck, but with sexed up Sharons there rather than goddam Anders of all fucking assholes? Why the fuck couldn't that have been our goddam cliffhanger, instead of just some noname, worthless shot of earth to the sound of goddam Cylon rock music? WTF?...

[c. visitors too bored to return...]
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