Free webhosts Streetview photos

- Welcome to IvanF's IVT No-Name Brand Website -
- boring everyone who comes online since May 5th, 2002 -

Wednesday, August 28th, 2002

Y2kk Update: I saw One Hour Photo on Monday, although the story of that precious day of mine will have to wait for my Tweakui and Download websites... Short story short, I think I fell in love with One Hour Photo, considering I was literally smacking and smiling like a sick school girl throughout half of the entire movie. And I know, I know, in a way that doesn't sound too good, that I was in absolute delight at the ravings and rantings of a derranged, obsessive, loner and whiner, but, um... maybe I simply enjoyed the flow of the movie, because the whole mood, the whole atmosphere, reminded me so much of my life... or even worse, perhaps the film kindled in me the no-name desire to be its undesirable, tragic star, Sy Parish... Oh it's true, it's true. One Hour Photo truly was the Death of a Salesman of the year...

And just warning you, do not read the following paragraphs if you don't want to be spoiled. I repeat, do not read ahead unless you want the stellar ending to be spelled out and spoiled... and, well, now that's out of the way... Although I don't count One Hour Photo as my favourite film of the summer, I do have to admit, it probably had the most memorable scenes out of all the films I've recently seen, even beating out Austin Powers: Goldmember. Simply put, the juxtaposed contrast between Sy sitting on a toilet and the suspenseful moment where the Yorkin family arrives through the door, was enough to spank my monkey's butt and politely inform me that I was watching a Sundance winner here. And my personal, favourite scene in the movie has just got to be the final days of his job at Savmart. Although I couldn't take Robin William swearing at his boss seriously, I absolutely admired his performance as he singlely and solemnly sat there on the showcase bed, as I have done so many times while utterly and morbidly depressed (although I never have a good reason for being so). It almost makes me want to buy a new matress, or maybe a cotton pillow, or maybe even some fleece pants to sniff and smell, but that's besides the point... And the look on William's face as he picked up that white, empty, photo card off the ground? Priceless. Masterful, Mastercard priceless... And the tears in his eyes when he couldn't remember the Yorkin's address a minute later? These scenes truly did exemplify why Robin Williams is an Academy Award Winner, or at least why Sy Parish is now my newfound, suburban hero... Most geeks look up to Neo for religious guidance and providence, but now I look up to the Church and parish of Sy, um, Parish... nevermind...

Now, of course the film had some shortcomings. Some of the humour fell flat to me, such as the porn photographer being so embarrassed about handing in his work. Somehow, it felt too out of place from the rest of the movie, although I do understand why some comic relief was necessary (although actually, the whole movie was sadistically amusing to me, but that's besides the point). And about that Oedipus Rex scene where Robin William's eyes explode in Fear Factor blood balls, I was practically laughing at how over the top that entire dream sequence was (and I was also mocking how "Matrix" that whole scene felt, but, um, nevermind...). Nevertheless, besides a few crackpot scenes far and between, Sy Parish and the rest of the movie, simply put, kicked some major candy-ass. I actually felt warm when Sy showed off that book of his, and tried to woo over whatever her name is with his little, horrendously New Age, "fear" quotation. I guess I was just wishing that I had done to same shame and sham to certain girls I was (or am) obsessed with from my past... And I actually felt lonesome and whorishly bitter, when mother Yorkin, whatever her name is, pulled over the car at her first glimpse of the adultery photos. And I felt a tingle or twinge of a sudden shudder when I realized that Sy's former boss was holding in his hands a series of "hunting" snapshots of his own daughter... And yes, even I felt a singe or a syringe of religious relief when I saw that father Yorkin, whatever his hallowed name may be, and his mistress were still alive after all Sy put them through.

And honestly, One Hour Photo did make me think deep and logistical... between my senseless smiles and giggles, that is. At the end, Sy was trying to run away from the authorities, and yet he knew they were coming after he gave his boss those photos as a threat. It got me thinking, that despite my natural instinct after so many pycho movies, Sy was not a killer. Sy was not a murderer. He was simply obsessed, as I am obsessed. He was me, IvanF, a house divided that cannot stand, in the grandest sense and scheme... And even though no-one can truly justify going around with a knife, the principle still stands, that he truly did make the Yorkins think twice about their "perfect" lifestyle. And in a sense, he saved them all, after the wife simply refused to save herself. And because of this, sadly because of all this and my natural inclination to enjoy obsessive compulsive behaviour, I declared upon seeing Sy's final photos, that One Hour Photo truly was the romantic comedy of the year, and possibly my favourite "psycho" movie of all time (although Fight Club ranks up there as well). Sure, my opinion may have been a little tainted, considering I was living out my lipid and livid dream, sitting behind the only Star Trek actress I ever thought was adorably cute, but I think I'll save that story for a rainy day...

As for Stargate, it shames me to say this, but the first half of the season is officially over, and the second half won't start until January 2003 of all times... So this will be my final Stargate SG-1 review session in a very long time, and let me say I'm relieved that the writers left a very decent taste in my mouth with their final two episodes of the half-season. I'll admit that Cure did start out extremely slowly (although I laughed out loud at the "we'll have to be at our best to match the challenge" and "howdy, folks" comments), and there were very few memorable lines (except for Jack's "is that why you take hosts?" line), but there were was just a good flow and a good feeling to this episode, that time flew by and the ending credits rolled before I knew what hit me. Teal'c didn't do much, except smile uncontrollably whenever he told that a Goa'uld was dead. Carter was pretty much a non-factor, although I felt an extra oomph or hidden agenda behind her Tok'ra talk with Jack. And Jack? Well... his "qu'est-ce que c'est?" line brought back horrid memories to my mind, but once again, as stated before, he didn't really have much to say. The true star of the show was Jonas actually, who seemed to have a real chemistry with the archeologist woman, reminding me a lot of Daniel Jackson falling in love with Linea a little too soon... And my favourite moment of the episode, was actually of Egeria talking to Malek, or Malik, or however you spell his name. I think Jack learned a thing or two there as well, that although the Tok'ra have been hardened by war and unimaginable losses (then again, so should Jack been after a year in Iraq, and after being killed by Botchy Baal over and over again), as long as they're all born from Egeria (who immediately chose to save the culprits who tortured and cattle prodded her for decades), than maybe they're not so piss-poor, arrogant guys afterall... or maybe they still are, but at least we know they started out decent...

But as for Prometheus... although I still prefer Redemption better, all I can say about this cliffhanger episode is "wow"... Honestly, I must've already watched this episode five times in full by now, and I can definitely say it did deserve the show's record breaking rating of 2.0. Sure, it started out a little slow like most episodes this season. I thought it was absolutely dumb that Carter would show the reporters the X-303 instead of the X-302 (considering they thought they were building a fusion reactor), and I slapped my head when nobody and nothing, not even an x-ray machine, checked the camera crew for weapons (haven't any of them seen True Lies?). But even I had to woo in awe at the sheer, massive size of the X-303 when it rose out of the dock, and I do honestly feel like the entire, central cast did an excellent job in this episode. Carter was a little too smart for her own good, and I'm still confused as to why she couldn't find a weapon onboard a ship slapped with an air force sticker on the side, but how could I have anything against her, when she stole my personal line of "crap"? And although Jack had barely any lines (except for his little temper tantrum tirade), all was forgiven wit his comment to Thor at the end of the episode ("I thought you were going for the new body?"... "I did"... "... um... it's nice..."). Teal'c may have had few lines as well, but his facial expressions during the surreal (or is it unreal?), somewhat slow-mo fight against Goa'ulded Simmons helped save the battle from sci-fi stupidity (and made me watch it at least ten times in a row). And Jonas was exceptional in his dealings with Donovan, the news reporter. I felt the short stinted look on his face when she found out he was an alien was right on the money... And besides, how could I possibly not love an episode where the Air Force somehow mananged to get enough trinium, naquada, naquadria,and money to build a Titanic-length starship with Jeffiries Tubes and a Star Trek-eque bridge? How could I possibly not love an episode where Adrian Conrad refutes that the X-303's hyperdrive "design is incredibly crude", only to be told to "spare me the supervillain riff"? And how could I possibly not love this episode, when it combined all the best elements of sci-fi together to make one somewhat lopsided looking ship (it looked like a hybrid of the Enterprise with its nacelles, Voyager with its interior, an Asgard mothership with its extrerior, and even Starcraft's Battlecruiser with its overall design)?

So short story short, I loved this episode. I loved Prometheus, both the ship and its crew, and its future seven year mission... And oh well, AOL, I guess I'm just a sucker for Star Trek inspired spoofs and parodies. So sue me... and I guess I'm just a sucker to be sucked on by certain Star Trek goddesses, but I guess I shouldn't have said that... since maybe she'll sue me... or maybe, I should've just saved my comments for a rainy day, or printed them out at the photo mart to be glued to a wall, but that's besides the point...

Wednesday, August 21st, 2002

Y2kk Update: Well, since I'm in a bit of a computer crisis right now, with a power supply liable to blow up anytime on me right now, and a lovely warranty voided the day I got the computer, I think I'm in just a tiny bit of a rush to finish this week's no-name update... I'll skip past the Stargate SG-1 review, I'll forever fastforward through the We Were Soldiers rant, and simply get straight into the meat and potatoes that hell's heart stabs at thee.

Because I saw Triple X, or simply "XXX" if you want to sound cool. And I'll admit, there were some positives to the film. The Columbian shooting spree was rather well done, with so many explosions that I could barely muster up enough brain power to realize how phony all the bike stunts were. I thought Xander Cage was a very cool character, who's absolutely best yet most predictable moments lied in the scenes where he first tells Asia Argento that he's an agent, and where Samuel L. Jackson tells him to go home. And actually, I'll applaud most of the supporting staff as well. While Vin Diesel truly is the epitome of cool, the Q or R wannabe science guy truly is the epitome of... um... a cool, wannabe, science guy... And who could possibly not love Samuel L. as Gibbons? I was a bit disappointed that he never turned out to be on the dark side ala Unbreakable, but Sony is trying to make a franchise out of Triple X, so I guess it was a smarter move to keep Gibbons on the so-called straight team... And oh, probably my favourite scene was the snowboarding incident. Sure, the special effects looked a little parcheesy, and sure it would've been smarter just to knock out the tower with a missile, but this scene demonstrated the most powerful theme in the movie itself: that Xander Cage is a true rebel, not just one trying to be cool, and not just some regular wannabe. He's the real thing... not like the real thing exists in reality, that is, but that's besides the point, and that's the point Sony tried their best to hide in the movie itself...

And, well... I think I'm out of positive things to say... Short story short, as promising as XXX seemed to me (it truly did have the best trailer of the year), it just couldn't deliver on its potential. First of all, let me blame my AMC theatre for cranking the sound way too loud during the showing. Sure, it helped that the bullet sounds are still ringing in my head like Christmas carols, but it certainly didn't help the movie when you could hear hollowed out, tin can man sounds and ghastly echoes from Signs throughout the film... With that said and done, let me first point out that despite its name, XXX is rated PG-13. And sadly, the will to capitalize on the rebels of the tweenie age, seriously put a dent on the grandiose scale of the movie. Simply put, the action had little or no substance to it. Sure, I mentioned the Columbian and avalanche scenes were cool, but what about all the rest? The finale of the movie was rather a joke, with just your basic 007 shooting here and jumping onto killer boats there. And don't get me started on the car chase. Sure, the parachute stunt was cool (despite the American symbol that would've worked better a lot closer to September 11th), but why was the car scene so damn standardized, when Vin Diesel showed with flair how it should be done in the Fast and the Furious?... Now, I've never been a big fan of gore, but considering the name of this movie is XXX, I expected at least... um... some sort of blood, or any kind of blood, even the green blobs you can turn on in games... And considering the name is XXX, where was the nudity? Where was the provocative women? I've been more allured by beer commercials than anything in this film. Now, I'll be the first to admit that I thought Asia Argento was pretty hot in the commercials (although back then, I thought she was Rachel Weisz... and, um, nevermind...). But she was completely squandered in the film, given a bad line here and a few dance steps over there. And the scene where she delivers Xander to a prostitute for the night? Oh well, AOL, that wrap around a bed post girl just wasn't my type... but at least Vin Diesel had a decent line there, which had been absolutely ruined by the trailers, but I digress...

The absolute worst scene in the movie just had to be the chemical killing part of it all. When the big baddie guy, whatever his name is, killed all the scientists for virtually no reason but for evil's sake, I expected something horrific. I expected something that rivals Schindler's list, or at least Resident Evil. Either one would work... But all I got were little scientists falling to the floor, as if they were practicing nuclear bomb drills in the schools of the sixties or some crap like that. Maybe I can blame it on the bad acting on Diesel's behalf (considering we've seen a lot worse deaths on screen, it really felt like Vin was overreacting in that scene), but honestly, the big baddie villain just didn't seem evil when all he really did on camera was drop a few Russian idiots, who apparently had never seen a Bond film, to the oh so sanitary ground. It was at that moment, that I felt Xander Cage lost his sense of coolness, and I lost my bond, any sort of bond, with the film... no pun intended... or, okay. So maybe some pun intended... so sue me...

And the absolute worst part of the film? You want to know the absolute worst part of the film? It's that lo and behold, Sony just had to make the film one, big ass advertisement to keep their grubby little, rebel consumers going. What I mean is, did they really have to give props to music in the movie? At the beginning of the film with the Corvette wreck scene, Diesel justifies it all by saying modern music is their only form of education. And I would've been okay with that, even though I realized Sony was just trying to save their own ass there by brainwashing more twelve year olds into buying their CDs... But what I was not okay with, was that as a huge Nintendo fan, the damn movie stuck it to my face! I mean, the whole scene about being a "sell-out" was thoroughly ironic, considering XXX will be coming to a PS2 soon (and I believe to the Xbox and Gamecube as well, strangely enough, but I could be wrong). All in all, this was a movie to promote the Hoffman BMX series, the Dave Mirra DMX series (which sadly no longer has the XXX name behind it...), the upcoming "she spikes high" volleyball fad, and even the Tony Hawk Pro Skater thingy (not like that ever needed a promotion). Short story short, Sony was using this movie to sell the "attitude" of the PS2, as a mature gamer's machine, built for the mature of man... And this was so damn apparent in Diesel's speech, when he just had to pick up a heat-seeker to blow stuff up and read off a blue screen, of all things, "think Playstation"... great... just great... I was actually thinking of N64's Goldeneye before he spilled the beans. I guess then I've still got Bond on the brains, but I digress... I'm not normally one to blame a movie for hypocrisy. Hell, I'm the model citizen of the hypocritical oath... However, as a Nintendo fanboy, born and bred, I just couldn't tolerate the malicious antics of Sony, drilling into our minds, that they were the cool and hip company, just like Xander Cage, while the competition was... well... the competition was as outdated as 007 Bond...

But the problem is, I still like Bond better than anything Sony has churned out. Even though Goldeneye, Tomorrow Never Dies, and the World is Not Enough all royally sucked (although I did buy two of those three movies, simply because Bond is... well... Bond...), I can't wait for Die Another Die, and why? Because, well... because Bond is cool. Xander Cage is a cool whip wannabe of the rebel wannabe age. And although I did overall enjoy XXX, I swear I would've loved it a hell of a lot more if Sony hadn't been backing the cash flow up... or at least, if they didn't spell "playstation" and lace it with lies, right in front of our grubby, beady, little eyes... but then again, who am I to talk? If Nintendo had produced the film, I probably would've watched it thrice... except I'll never go see those damn Pokemon movies, but that's besides the point...

Wednesday, August 14th, 2002

Y2kk Update: My sister invited me to see the Canadian Tennis Open the other week. She's always been a big fan of tennis for really no apparent reason, and I suppose I am as well. Every time I tried to play that damn game, I would end up whimpering or even crying by the end, simply because I hate moving around, and I hate having the ball never going damn straight. I mean, I endured my golf shots going far out to right field, but only because it's a phallic thing, where only the distance disgraced matters most, but I digress...

Anyhew, short story short, I turned down my sister's offer. Although I do like the insightful mechanics and intelligence of the game, I just didn't like tennis enough to sit in the shadow of a hot Sun for God knows how long until some non-seeded freak ousts my former heroes of the sport. And, well... I don't know why I'm saying this, but Anna Kournikova never really did anything for me, except that I'm still smarting from receiving nilch and nada of her blessed-bottom-be virus, but that's besides the point... But I did check out today's sports section, and saw a rather graceful and laceful picture of her new rival on the scene, Daniela Hantochova or somebody like that... And to be honest, at first I just thought she was just another pretty face, but now I'm going to have to look her up on the internet porn ring, and why? Because, um... there's something about her hair and face, and maybe the way she was ignoring me in the picture, but Daniela somehow sent chills and ripples down my spine and way up my libido, reminding me so much of a crush I once knew... or at least, her looks reminded me of my distorted, pedestal of an image of the crush I once knew, but I think I'll just shut up right about now...

Well, I haven't seen XXX just quite yet, so there's no movie of the week to review... unless you want to me to absolutely destroy Lord of the Rings and Clockstoppers, the last two movies that I rented and pretty much hated over the past week or so, but I think I'll save those nasty comments for a rainy day... except, um, looking outside my window, it is a rainy day, but that's besides the point... But I will say one thing. I'm ashamed of my directing hero, Johnathan Frankes (pardon my spelling), who after blessing the screen with seven long years of real science in Star Trek, disgraced the name of Physics forever by breaking every rule and law that Newton held dear in goddam Clockstoppers. I mean, just by touching their friend as he was rapping around, at that kind of velocity, they should have flung him halfway across the damn room and broke every bone in his back, and yet instead, all they managed to do was dance him around like a naked Ken doll! And what about friction? What about inertia? What about sonic booms, and the theory of relativity? And what about the frickin' cars? They didn't exist in hypertime, and yet they still managed to move faster than those hyper-hippo or whatever damn guys could run. I mean honestly, wasupwitdat?... The only thing I did enjoy in that painful movie, was that "make it so, number one" reference to Star Trek: The Next Generation. Johnathan Frankes (pardon my spelling again) just had to put that in, you see, even after the political embarrassment known as Insurrection...

And to be honest, if I wanted to hear Star Trek references, I would've left it up to Stargate SG-1... And, well... it looks like it'll be an all-you-can-read buffer of a buffet when it comes to Stargate this week, starting with the episode from two weeks ago, The Other Guys. Now, although I throughly enjoyed the comedy in this episode, I'm afraid to say that quite a lot of it went over my head. And actually, I was kind of embarrassed that I didn't get the "we might as well be wearing red shirts" quip at first, and didn't realize that it was a Star Trek reference until I visited the forums on the internet... And as a major Star Trek buff, all I can say is... um... oops... and actually, there were a ton of Star Trek references in this entire episode that either went over my head or I simply managed to love to death. Casting John Billingsley (akas Dr. Phlox) as the scientist who "worships at the altar of Roddenberry" was absolute genius, and after Felger made fun of the ridiculous nature of "tachyon scanners" or whatever he called it, I just couldn't help but burst out in laughter  when he started to work on the canon naquadah reactor... Unfortunately, since I've been relegated to stealing those little episode files on the internet, I couldn't see the Bakleth or however you spell it in the Tok'ra's chamber. However, my favourite joke in the entire episode was probably one of the most subtle: I just couldn't believe that the two scientists didn't get caught, after making a complete ruckus with their banter while crawling through what I swear were Star Trek Jeffries Tubes...

And actually, my second favourite part of the episode was at the very end, where the big kiss of a finale slowly bubbles or blurps or burts over to a day-dreaming scenario, and we're left wondering if it was just the medal ceremony or the entire episode that was just a nerdy dream. Personally, since I'm always been quite the pacifist activist of a unificist, I kinda chose to believe that everything in this episode sort of happened in the real Stargate universe, although the version we saw on television was Felger's own take on what happened. Do I have any proof of this? No, but since when has that stopped anyone from opening their mouths on the internet?... And anyhew, there were a couple of other notable gags in the episode. I loved the inside joke Teal'c had, about the Canucks of Vancouver being superior warriors. I also enjoyed the moment where Felger somehow just poked his head in the cell (which wasn't even watched by one inept guard) as he joyfully sang out, "we're here to rescue you!", as if he was some naive, Luke Skywalker or some crap like that...

But all in all, despite all those uncanny sci-fi references, I just didn't really enjoy this episode. It was funny, but I just didn't develop a passion for it, and I don't blame the episode or the writers for that. In truth, I've been feeling bored and depressed amd negative about everything I see on a radiating, microwave of a maser screen these days. And honestly, I think I've been desensitized or something, after watching so many TV shows on my computer, after watching so many movies at home and the theatre, and after playing so many games on high quality consoles, all without school to remind me what life is like outside of hi-tech heaven. And truth be told, barely anything has actually entertained me as of late, and by that logic, I guess I can safely assume I didn't rather enjoy the episode that followed The Other Guys neither.

And truth be told, I didn't get a swell feeling about Allegiance either, just as I predicted. I really am stuck in a mundane ruck or something, hiding beneath some rock, lost in a sea of blind sensuality or some kind of limbo limber talk like that... But anyhew, although I know so many on the internet who loved this episode, it just couldn't and didn't appeal to the inner child within me. Now, I'll be the first to admit that there were only a very minute amount of problems with this episode. I slapped my head when Malik or however you spell his name wouldn't even try to zat whoever was dragging Bra'tac, and I groaned when it seemed like Dr. Frasier gave us a lecture 101 on Jolinar and whatever the hell an Ashrak assassin is. And I'll be the first to admit, I should've loved this episode, but the Predator-like nature of the cloaked Ashrak has been done to death within my own mind, and unfortunately, thanks to watching so many movies and TV shows as of late, I felt like I knew the whole plotline as soon as the Divide and Conquer crap started. Of course, I really didn't know what would happen, but the pervading and persisting feeling that I did was enough to sour the course of the episode, just like grapefruit to a vine, although I'm not really sure why I thought of that...

And don't get me wrong, I did love certain aspects of the episode. Teal'c strangling Malik to death was a stroke of genius, I thought the Tok'ra funerary, incinary service was rather intriguing, and who can forget Colonial O'Neill psychotically firing rounds all over the place at an invisible enemy? But realistically speaking, the only Tok'ra episode I've liked was The Tok'ra, Part 2, and I only enjoyed that one because I loved the look on Jacob's face when he learned of his daughter's job. And the only Jaffa rebellion episode I ever liked, was actually The Warrior, and I only liked that one because O'Neill had some real great lines, and because of Imhotep's unbelievably, unnecessarily evil revelation at the end. And to be honest, the only episode I've so far enjoyed in this Stargate season so far has actually been Redemption, Part 2, simply because Dr. McKay gave me so much damn hope in my fruitless endeavours for feminine passionfruit... and, well...

To be honest, I don't think I'll enjoy a Stargate episode again until the school year arrives, when I'll be starved for any form of entertainment (although I'll probably lean towards Buffy for that, with all the old villains returning for nostalgic sake). Because as it stands right now, I've been criminally desensitized and neurologically neutered, and it's almost immoral for me to rate movies and episodes in this Johnathan frame of mind. But if there's any hope or glimmer of, um, hope, or of any of Daniela Hantochova or some other clone crush like her, it'll be that alas, all good things must come to an end, and when that time finally cums (or, um, comes...), it'll be the best of both worlds. Or actually, what I'm trying to say, is that I only have a soft place in my heart for a small number of Star Trek episodes. I only loved maybe eight or nine Next Generation shows, and yet I've placed the show on a pedestal, revelled in its glory, and shall worship at the altar of Gene Roddenberry for all time to come (as long as I can spell him name right...).In other words, it only takes a couple of stunning episodes to have me hooked on a short leash, and trust me, in due time, it'll be all the same with Stargate. Hell, I've already watched The Fifth Race and Window of Opportunity a dozen times each. It's just that...

I'm hungry now, and I'm starved for food, attention, and Daniela pics. And even though my finger has finally thankfully healed its mortal wounds of Mordok, I'm now officially and humbly out of things to say. So this has been yet another unnecessarily negative review from yours truly, IvanF, the no-name whiner... And I just wonder, if fifty years down the road, is it inconceivable that somebody will worship at my altar?... Okay, I'll just shut up right about now, and save that thought for a rainy day...

Wednesday, August 7th, 2002

Y2kk Update: Well, I just had such a mind boggling, mind bedazzling, an oh so entangling, and oh so enlightening conversion with a certain, beloved cousin of mine... So let's see here, where to begin? After talking about souping up or suping up or however you spell it cars, computers, Xboxes, and crap like that, the conversion swiftly took a kick in the pills and moved onto more, well, sophisticated territory... First, he asked me for about the hundredth time how long and fat my penis was. After I so lovely admitted to him yet again how my balls have been lopsided ever since I was an infant (although I guess I shouldn't have said that), the conversation took a turn for the worst as my cousin could barely breathe between his insane laughter and arcane mockery of how I've never shoved my dick in a girl... And oh, how sweet of a melachony of a poetry he weaves! How gently he betrothes, like a gust of God's breeze... And oh, I'd better shut up now before I doom myself to the same arrogance that my beloved cousin has been trapped and ensnared in. He's always been a nice guy, but his not so efficient brain sure has real deficiencies thanks to his dear, ol' mother and her compulsive disorder to begone and control. I mean, when I was young, I always found it interesting to fathom what would the hell would happen to my dear, ol' cousin in the future, with his ranchy sense of humour and his compulsive disorder of taking a shot in the pills... I mean, honestly, can a guy like that ever become a so-called "success" in society?...

And, well, if he's ever lucky, maybe he'll use his gifts to benefit all of mankind and form a franchise as brilliant as Austin Powers. That's right, after all the countless delays you can count on one hand, I finally saw Austin Powers: Goldmember with my sister and brother the other week. Suffice to say, I entered that theatre with much hesitation, and why? Because simply put, I was terrified that I might not like the movie. I loved the original Austin Powers and the Shy Who Shagged Me so damn much, that if I couldn't find the same inner beauty in the third of the trilogy, that maybe, just maybe, I could never forgive myself within this lifetime... And it was kind of funny too, how my friend was so apprehensive that I might shoot down the third of the series like so many critics on the net have been so quick to do. But thank God for Mike Myers, because my Toronto god simply cannot do any wrong. He has nobility in his blood, I tell you. He has true nobility, and a true sense of what makes the intellectual portion of the mind proportionally tick...

Lucky for me, he ignored all that, because I loved Goldmember full frontal and through, and to my oh so joy-joy and delight, it has possibly even matched the original film in terms of how hard I oh so laughed. Nearly every single scene in the movie was gut-wrenching funny... and just to warn you, if you haven't seen the movie yet, please don't read any further. The only scenes that I didn't laugh at were the ones that were spoiled by trailers, commercial spots, and wise-cracking critics on the internet, and I'd hate to be the one that does the same to somebody else... Then again, nobody ever reads this website. Go figure...

First of all, I had heard how damn funny the opening sequence of the movie was, but nothing could prepare for that most joyous moment. When Austin Powers destroyed an entire helicopter with just two machine guns, I was already cracking up on the floor. And after thinking in my head that Tom Cruise was definitely going to sue for copyright infringement, guess who shows up on screen? Not only did the entire theatre burst into laughter at Tommy Cruise's, "Yeah, Baby!", but I personally was bewildered by G. Spot Paltrow and her stunning Dixie Normous look. And personally, I thought she did better in this film than in all of the Royal Tenenbaums, but that's besides the point... Now, I wish the Kevin Spacey role hadn't been ruined for me by the internet, but I still couldn't help but blow up with the crowd when Danny Devito did his infamous cameo. And even Steven Spielberg pulled off a decent stint, providing the best part of the opening musical by doing backflips with an Oscar in hand. And although I know that many on the internet comdemned this film for being a blantant corporate sell-out, I just couldn't help but cheer and gloat in tears when Britney Spears blew up in the middle of her dance routine. It was something that I had always dreamed of, but never deemed possible... And another thing the internet seemed the loathe was the jail-house rap by Dr. Evil, and I do admit the song did seem out of place. But how could I possibly not explode into laughter when Mike Myers started censoring his own song? Now, I can't even remember a word Dr. Evil said, and that's the beauty of it all, because most of what he said was silently bleeped out. It was the best satire of a rap sequence that I had ever seen, and even the buffed up bagwell nature of Mini Me and Dr. Evil made me howl... The internet scene wasn't bad as well. No matter how many times I've seen it, that America's Funniest Home Video just never seems to get old, although please don't ask me why. But perhaps the most funny scene in the entire first half of the movie, was actually the British talk between Austin Powers and his dad. Now, I'll be the first to admit that Michael Caine and Mike Myers had very little chemistry in the latter half of the movie, but after this little gold mine of a scene, why should I care? I was trying to follow what the both of them were saying while reading the subtitles on the bottom of the screen, and by doing so, I got so damn confused that I couldn't help but laugh. Their father and son talk may not have been the hardest hitting scene to the gut in the entire movie, but something about it just makes so much bloody sense to me, and it honestly left a real good aftershave and foamy aftertaste in my mouth. And although I wish they had done a proper follow up to this scene (I didn't laugh at the Japanese subtitle trick because it was spoiled by another internet fanatic), the rest of the gags in the movie more than made up for that, um, whatever you want to call it... Too bad there was no Mustafa though, and a cameo by Mugatu wouldn't have hurt much as well...

There are a whole bunch of dumb gags that I loved but barely have time to talk about. The running joke about the Dutch did get a little old, but Michael Caine's best delivered line was when he was the first to say he hated the Dutch. And even I laughed at when Mini Me hit Dr. Evil in the crutch of the crotch with the Midas 22, and, um, that's all I have to say about that... But surprisingly, the gag that I thought was so dumb on the commercials actually proved to be one for the funniest things in the movie. Believe it or not, the molely molely molely gag was so damn funny, that I think I literally sneezed out snortles and chuckles when Austin Powers was poking the damn thing with a stick. And I hate to say this, but in church the other day, I nearly cracked up during that peace and goodwill sharing thing, because the kid I was shaking hands with sure as hell had one, big ass mole on his face, but I guess I shouldn't have said that... The dumbest jokes in the movie though, actually came from Fat Bastard. I didn't laugh at the wire-fu or anything (but probably because it was spoiled), but eventually Mike Myers won me over with an entire, dedicated speech about farts and smelling your own brand. It was so damn dumb that it worked, and it brilliantly set up the last great gag of the movie, where the whole crowd was cringing at the look of the flabby skin hanging off the arms of Fat Bastard. I mean honestly, who throws a shoe? These scenes were so damn dumb, that it actually brought back good memories of why I did love The Spy Who Shagged Me back in the day so damn much... And as for that second movie in the trilogy, most label the film to be the bastard of the series, simply because it had a gross out scene where Austin actually drinks some shit. However, the opposite actually happens in Goldmember, where Mini Me squirts out apple juice into a cup, although it doesn't exactly look that way to the other in the room... And even though this scene was spoiled to me through the internet, I guess it's a testament to Mike Myers that I couldn't help but laugh at both the apple juice scene and the Japanese fountain scene. As long as the viewer shuts his conspiring brain off upon entering the threatre, I assure you, the infant inside of you will be more than entertained.

There are so many great gags in Goldmember that I won't be able to talk about, like the Mini-Austin thing and the cameo by John Travolta, but I only have enough time left to talk about my favourite scenes in the movie. Because honestly, I laughed so hard at the Mini-Me fight in the Spy Who Shagged Me, that I didn't think it could be done again... But believe me, I'm not worthy! I'm not worthy, because Myers has done it again, and I don't think I've ever laughed harder than I did when Austin was throwing that poor midget around in a bag. If there was ever an Oscar for the best fight scene in the movie, the Austin Powers and Mini-Me feud definitely would take home the gold if I had an Olympic vote. Because honestly, I was laughing so hard that I couldn't even hear the rest of the crowd's laughter over my own... And the only other time the same thing happened was during the shadow scene, a sort of rehash of the best gag in the second of the series. At first I rolled my eyes at the redundancy of it all, but like I said before, I'm not worthy, for I had no faith in the Myers! Because honestly, I think I actually cried in happiness when it looked like Mini Me was born from Austin Powers. And I think I died from laughter after that brilliant scene was finally over... Believe me when I say I don't think there's ever been a movie funnier than Goldmember, and I don't think any film has ever graced my heart as fully as this one has. And it's hard to believe that any movie will ever achieve the same, um, achievement, from this date forth, now that Goldmember occupies my hearth with an iron submarine and fist. And quite frankly, I'm afraid that no movie will ever top the love I feel for this one, for my love of... goooooold...

And sadly, I know it's true, that I may never fall head over heels in love with a film again, because I said the same thing after The Spy Who Shagged Me, and that truth still holds, um, true... What I'm trying to say, is that as much as I loved Goldmember, there was just one flaw with it: it just didn't enrapture and capture my heart like I, um, claimed it did just a few lines above... As great as the fountain scene was, it somehow felt old. As great as the shadow scene was, it just felt old. And you know a movie's time has past when two of the greatest jokes, about the webbed feet and the sharks with friggin' lasers on their heads, were born out of nostalgia. I laughed and smiled so hard at these both of these things, yet both times, my smirk seemed so hollow... Because let's face facts, the human brain will only accept things that are new... Or more accurately, it's shameful, but we all do go by fads. The first thing I noticed in Goldmember, was how much Dr. Evil and Austin Powers had aged since the previous film. And, well, if you've gotta know, I would probably consider Goldmember the best of the trilogy if it weren't for that nagging pride and plague of mine, that I'm simply not permitted to enjoy this film because the gags have all gotten old. Do I wish for a fourth Austin Powers? Absolutely, but I would be terrified to enter the theatre if the film ever doth arrive, simply because my arrogance and subconcious following of cultural fads will erode the nostalgia that my heart hath born. And I'm sorry, I wish I could've locked that nagging feeling out of my head, but my brain simply refused to let down its defenses. I know I laughed so hard in Goldmember, but my brain simply refuses to release the notion, that Austin Powers simply isn't as rad and funky and groovy as it was just a few years ago... I'm sorry, Mike. I know I've committed blasphemy,  but there's nothing I can do about it, except tear down the very fabric of the walls of Jericho and nostalgia...

And, well, there were a few other flaws with the movie as well... I groaned when the radar gag returned a second time, and even though I applaud Myers for trying to make fun of his own comedy sequence, the cameo by the Osbournes was muffled and simply atrocious. And the thing about comedy movies, is that the aftermath and aftertaste is all that really counts. The feeling you have when you leave the theatre is what keeps a comedy locked in your mind, so how could I possibly ignore the poor ending of Goldmember? Now, I understand why Myers chose to make Austin and Dr. Evil brothers. I knew they were such ever since the first movie, simply because their polar opposites reminded me so much of sibling rivalry, but I was hoping for this revelation to be exposed in a movie that was completely devoted to such a notion. And honestly, Seth Green as Scott Evil is a completely horrid villain. His Michael Jackson routine at the end simply left a bitter taste in my mouth, not to mention the fact that I cringed so damn hard at his inability to do the little pinky finger thing... Scott was barely used in the film, which is a stark contrast to the Spy Who Shagged Me, where his longing to be accepted formed the brilliant basis of the movie. And what about Number Two? What the hell did he do in this movie? I was so hoping he'd talk about inept guards with no name tags, or how blowing up the world with the Midas 22 made absolutely no logical sense whatso-friggin'-ever, but he barely said a word! And besides delivering Taco Bell bags to the county prison and yelling out the occasional order, Fran had absolutely nothing to do as well. Hell, they didn't even mention that she was Scott's mother!... And I'm sorry. I've committed treason and blasphemy yet again, but please don't get me wrong! I absolutely loved Austin Powers: Goldmember. Hell, I even loved the moments where Goldmember ate his own skin and couldn't pronounce "father" properly. And overall, I think Goldmember ranks up there as one of my favourite movies of all time, if not the absolute funniest. But sadly, I think my brain is trying to convince me that I'm all grown up. Now, I don't logically believe that a person can ever truly grow up, but their tastes can definitely change on the outside, just to prove to their insides that they are who they are. And, well... I just wish that I could stay true to myself, and I only hope for the same for Austin Powers, international man of mystery, baby... Yeah, baby. I can only hope that Mike Myers stays true to himself.

And, um, this is one hell of a long Y2kk Update... compared to my other updates on this site at least... and the sad thing is, it ain't over just yet. And why? Because I saw M. Night's Signs the night after Goldmember, and what did I think of it? Let me tell all readers here, to back away, just back away if you haven't seen this movie yet, because like Goldmember, it's true beauty will be revealed only if it hasn't been spoiled for the viewer. And now that I can get on with my mini rant of a review, I'll just say one thing: I've been terrified of seeing Signs for the past few months, and yet I found the film almost as funny as Goldmember, for Christ's sakes. Now, the humour in the movie didn't exactly get to me, but there was one thing that did: the uproar and reaction of the crowd. Until I stepped into that theatre, I never knew the joy of hearing so many tweenie bopper girls screaming off their little lungs at every single creak and bristle. And I'm telling you, if you don't see Signs with a full theatre of boyfriends "protecting" their girls, you're missing out on a hell of a thing. And to be honest, I left that theatre with a mixed bag of croutons in my belly, whatever the hell that's supposed to mean. And I never expected this, but I didn't have a single terrifying image in my head at night. I normally experience half-conscious nightmares whenever I see a suspenseful flick, but not this time. All I could dream about, was what if I had a girl in my arms, craddling for protecting?... not that that's going to happen anytime soon... or ever, with my luck of lopsided penises, but I guess I shouldn't have said that...

But about the movie itself, short story short (because I'm sick of writing), the movie had its moments. Were there parts that had me terrified? Absolutely. The scenes in the field of dreams, with the leg of the alien showing, and the scene with the alien trapped in the pantry door, were not just thrilling due to shock value, but were honestly and genuinely freaky, simply because we knew something eerie was just around the cigarette burned corner. And actually, if there's one reason to see this movie, it's to see that absolutely bizarre yet bulbant, birthday scene. I never thought a camera shot of little kids huddling around a window would by terrorizing, yet our first glimpse of the aliens in full natural stride had shivers shooting down my spine. And honestly, although I haven't seen many thriller movies in my short attention life span, I can safely assure you that Signs is the only movie I've ever seen that has kept me fearing the inevitable for so damn long. The entire basement scene at the end, where the family's only defence is to lock themselves in the darkest and most claustrophobic of rooms, had me on the edge of my seat all the way through to that, well, no so decent preachy asthma scene... In fact, I think every single scene that was meant to be frightening worked wonders in this film, and I have to give props to the director for that. And, well... I'm also sure I would've been freaked out at the end by the alien's reflection in the television if, um... well... if I was paying attention, that is... and if I wasn't thinking to myself how dumb the aliens were, but I'll get into that a little later...

Let me point out first the poignant truth, that M. Night is right when he says he knows what audiences tick. The greatest example of this in Signs was actually when Mel Gibson is telling his brother in the film about the two types of people on earth: those who believe in luck, and those who believe in signs. Now, the conversation itself had me rolling my eyes, but what came after proved to me that the director/producer/writer knows what he's doing... Because honestly, after a chilling sequence like that in the middle of the dark, who would've guessed J. Phoenix would then go on a rant and tirade about throwing up at a party? Honestly, this stark contrast and extreme juxtaposition is what made the film so damn good for the average viewer, and proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that the success of the Sixth Sense was not just a fluke. And I know, I know, many complain that M. Night makes his characters do unrealistic things (like how the family never picked up a weapon while being attacked, or why Gibson didn't call the cops about the alien in the pantry). But that's because realism does not connect to the everyday audience. Freudian representations of fear of joy are what actually work, and M. Night showed true mastery of these concepts and the audience's emotions throughout the film, simply by preying on our extreme pitfalls of of comedy and fear (which I sort of unified in an editorial on this site, but I should shut right with my bragging right about now...). And this concept is profounding and effectively used throughout the entire movie, in the scene with the baby monitor where Phoenix starts believing in his nephew, and in the telephone scene, where just a simple ring and a "boo" from God got the whole crowd riled up enough to laugh and shake off their shudders. And, well, that scene was also a focal point in why I simply wasn't invested in the ending of the movie. I admit, the water and the asthma and baseball bats on the head (Jean Chretien joke for all those... um... nevermind), all worked well together at the end as a true sign of whatever you want to call it, but it just wasn't good enough for me, and why?

Because I was expecting too much. Because I expected a shocking ending to the film, so I started making up one along the way, and this is what I thought... Okay, first of all, the creepy, little girl found all the water in the house to be "contaminated", and was attacked by the dog who sensed a predator nearby. Secondly, after repeated use of the asthma puffer that they just bought from the confession girl in town, the son suddenly started to know everything about aliens, about their motives and their communication signals and crap like that. It was assumed he found it all from the book he bought, but like Mel Gibson inquired, how could one man know so much about aliens? And the third victim on my list was the brother played by Phoenix, who only believed that nerds like me were the culprits until he started hearing signals on the baby monitor, until he started listening to the radio, and until he started spending every waking moment in the front of the television. And honestly, the real revelation for me came when the family all sat down, and voted to stay at home for no apparent reason except for loyalty's sake. Now, I thought to myself, why would a son who somehow knew everything about aliens decide to stay at home, when his book showed an entire family dead outside their farm house? Why would Phoenix choose to stay at home and board the windows, when I think he was the first to realize that the crop circles served as a map, and that the "invisible" UFOs only stayed within a radius of those circles. Thanks to that one pivotal scene, I was absolutely convinced that the aliens had done something to tamper with the water, that they had done something to our medication, and that they were brainwashing us through our own mass communication. It occurred to me then and there that the aliens had alrrady subtlely invaded, and that the family wanted to stay at home simply because they had been changed somehow into little followers of the aliens, or some crap like that. I was absolutely sure that M. Night had set up a whole predicament, where Mel Gibson would have to save his family from themselves. I mean honestly, I was so damn sure... I thought I saw all the signs...

And dammit, I was so goddam wrong. None of the stuff I saw came true, and that's what made the ending so anti-climatic to me. I know, I know, it's all my fault, that if I had just shut my brain off at the start of the movie, I would've loved the whole damn thing. But I didn't, I'm sorry, and in the end, all I could concentrate on was that so major flaw of the latter half of the movie... THAT THE ALIENS ARE SO FRIGGIN' STUPID!... Sorry about my arrogance, but I just had to get that out of my system. Because honestly, humanity has had neutron bombs since the fifties, that can wipe out all life on earth yet keep our planet completely intact. If the aliens could get from another planet or another dimension, I think they'd bring along similar technology if they wanted to conquer our world. Or if they just wanted to harvest hosts, either to eat, use as slaves, or to genetically mutate into something or whatever, then at least they should release some sort of toxin into the earth's atmosphere. Hell, we've even got nerve gases that can knock out every person on earth without killing them, and yet the aliens were too stupid to steal our own tech?... And God, I hope the aliens don't try to eat us, unless they freeze dry us into slim jims or something... Because unless they never noticed, our bodies are about 90% friggin' bags of water, and if memory serves me correctly, the bloody aliens seem to dissolve from simple, bloody water! Now, I know M. Night meant for the water weakness to be some tribute to War of the Worlds, but did he honestly have to make the aliens so damn ridiculous? So everytime aliens decide to invade our planet, I just have to arm myself with a supersoaker and a garden hose and I'm all set? Or what if I spit on the aliens? Or better yet, what if I piss on them with my lopsided balls? Or if I'm Phoenix, how about I throw up on them or some crap like that?... So you're telling me that the aliens can breathe the water vapour in our atmosphere, but can't take even a little bit of liquid? I mean, c'mon here! Honestly, why the hell would the aliens come down to a 70% water planet without even wearing friggin' raincoats or some crap like that? So you're telling me that they love being naked so damn much, that they refuse to even put on a virus containment suit or some crap like that in case it rains? And is M. Night really telling me, that the aliens he conceived are so damn stupid, that they didn't bother contaminating the water, or at least change it so it won't cause them harm? That they didn't tamper with our medication and health supplies? That they didn't bother to tap into our communication signals? And all they really did was simply show up after travelling from a galaxy far, far away, and beam down to smack us in the face with their grubby little hands and pointless, poison dust? Is that it? It that really it?

And, well... the answer to all the above is a blatant chokehold of yes, but please don't get me wrong. As stupid ass as the aliens were to me, I can't ignore the fact that they served their job justice. The aliens weren't cute. They weren't multi-dimensional characters. They were simply evil, because they weren't really aliens. They acted like and even resembled the way we've always envisioned zombies and the living dead. Simply put, if I had my way and had aliens with friggin' lasers beams attached to their heads, the villains wouldn't have ended up real threatening, or at least not to a non-geeky audience. Freaky zombies who are too stupid to pick up an axe and break down a door apparently are enough to warrant a $60 million opening, box office weekend, and I can't blame M. Night for that. I can't blame him for human behaviour, nor for the fact that he knows what really gets it going. He made a brilliant movie about faith and fear, but alas, he certainly did not make one about aliens as I had always hoped he would. And if you go into the theatre looking for a sci-fi flick, you won't find it, and you will be most certainly disappointed upon your departure. But if you're willing to turn off your brain at the door like I did for Goldmember, trust me, Signs is a great movie who's only crime was that it simply could not live up to its unbearably, disproportional expectations. But that didn't stop a couple of those freaked out girls from claiming and clamouring that it was the "scariest movie" they ever did saw as soon as the final credits started rolling. And, well...

Sounds like fun, doesn't it?... It was, and that's all that counts to me and my vile, rile, little, sixth sense of pubescent, predatory pleasure...

[c. visitors too bored to return...]