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Y2kk Update: Holy, rusted, friggin' buckets of crap... Now, I may not say this word very often... or then again, I probably say it all the time... But F-zero GX for the Gamecube is truly a game that deserves it: ...

... end quotation... Because goddammit, I did it! I really, frickin', goddam did it!... Fzero GX has been making the rounds on the forums for one reason and one reason only: it truly is a game for the elitist of hardcore gamers, because godammit, it's one of the hardest frickin' games to come out in years... Sure, you can take the game easy, and simply play through the GP modes on Novice and Standard. And those were my mere initial expectations from myself as well... I mean, I've never been good at any real Fzero game, so to speak. I could never beat the original on anything higher than standard. Hell, I couldn't even beat Fire Field in that game on anything but beginner level... And F-zero X for the N64? My brother was good at that. He beat it on Expert... I could not... but you see, as much as I tried to love both of those games, and as much as I recognize all that Fzero did for gaming today (it not only started the futuristic racing genre, but revitalized the entire racing genre on console systems altogether), I just couldn't love the series nearly as much as did Mario Kart... I've said it a million damn times on this website alone, but I'll say it yet again: I am no racing game fan, not even when it comes to Fzero... not even when it comes to Fzero X...

Because goddammit, I did it! I really, frickin', goddam did it! I know this game ain't impossible, but seriously, I thought it was impossible. It felt impossible. And for me, it is still impossible to beat with any car but the damn custom car I've been using... The net has been making rounds with the "Frost Lynx" or some crap like that (although the Energy Wing is getting attention as well). And I tried that car - both cars, actually - they could barely get me past the middle stages on Expert, let alone the latter... but it wasn't long after that I tried a few combos of my own, and when I added Black Bull as the captain of my now beloved "Photon Phantom"?... God, the car handles better at 1200 km/h than the Blue Falcon does at friggin' 950... hell, with it, I even beat the Master racers in one stage of the second cup by more than 15 seconds... and yet still, Master difficulty seemed so damn far out of my grasp! Sure, I was able to ram through the Jack or Ruby or whatever you call it cups on just the first couple tries, but after losing about twenty frickin' times on the King Cup on Expert or whatever you call it, I knew that there was little to no hope for me, that I'd ever truly be considered a master at this game... and yet no matter how futile my chances seemed, something about this game just sucked me in like the suction of an engine. No matter how many damn times I lost in the third cup on Master difficulty over the past two days, even with my beloved Photon Phantom (which could best cars in expert mode without even boosting), I never gave up. No matter how morbidly depressed I got, no matter how damn hard I fucking swore swear words at the television screen, no matter how many damn times I threw my controller down in a heap of car junk, only to pray that I didn't destroy whatever blessed goods were inside?... no matter how many damn times I lost to that damn Twin Nor-whatever-crap car that somehow always makes it to the top tier (and the Red Gazelle was annoying as hell as well...), no matter how many damn times I thought to myself that I had friggin' lost track of how many damn times I had lost traction on that damn half pipe Lightning track?... no matter how dismally grim the outlook was for me, of ever unlocking those AX tracks that just a couple days ago, seemed like nothing more than a dream... the thing was... there was just something about this game, that wouldn't let me put it down. No matter how damn frustrating it got, it got even more damn frustrating that I just couldn't put the damn game down... It was like a drug. But what was more like a drug, were the drugs... drugs to ease the pain... and the thing was... God, you should've seen me! It was so damn sad!...

... dammit, I actually started crying in joy when I finally beat the damn Emerald cup on Master... I literally couldn't sleep that night, as the adrenaline from victory was still rushing through my veins at 2000 km/h... and after that, the rest of the game was damn easy... in comparison, at least... I beat Diamond Cup next (by 75 points, no less) within the next five tries, and I beat the Queen or Sapphire or whatever you call it cup on just my second time around... and then it was mine. It was all goddam mine! The AX tracks in all their glory, and a lost musical friend that I had been bitching and screaming about since I first got this game... and now I'm satisfied. God, am I ever satisfied, as if I've just had a night of long, intense, hot bitch sex... Sure, I have yet to beat the story mode on even normal difficulty. I just unlocked the seventh stage, and I only beat the fifth stage and below on hard difficulty. And yes, I am a wuss, because after going through the hell of Master difficulty, I can honestly say that there is no power on earth - I repeat, there is absolutely no power on earth - that can make me go through the story mode on very hard difficulty... even F-zero GX isn't that good to sucker me into that one, and I blame Sega for that...

Before Fzero GX arrived on North American shores, the infamous internet forums were ablaze with the most prithy, pithy and pitiful of fanboy rants and debates (much like this review of mine, actually...). The thing is, the new Fzero is the first ever collaboration between Nintendo and Sega, the two companies I never would've dreamed to see together in bed within my lifetime... And the thing is, on the internet at least, Sega fans seem more blind and delusional than anything and anybody else. I can't even begin to count how many people have actually claimed that they think the Dreamcast is still the better system over anything out today, and I can't even begin to count how many people defend Shenmue, Panzer Dragon Orta, Otogi, and hell, even Jet Grind Radio as the best damn games ever made, period... And on the other flip side of the coin, are Nintendo fanatics like me, who really do witness the charm and magic that only a Nintendo game can ever bring, even in their "flawed" ones (as most of the internet say both Mario Sunshine and Zelda: The Wind Waker are...). So we all had an orgy of a dilemma... Who do we credit for Fzero GX? Obviously, Sega fans chose the Amusement Vision side, claiming that they designed the game, programmed the game, and therefore made it the god that it is today. Of course, then we Nintendo fans would retaliate, and show quotes from the Sega staff themselves that reveal that Nintendo at least designed all the characters, all the cars, and all the tracks for the game. Not to mention the fact that they already designed the entire "feel" for the game (turning, drifting, side attacks, etc...) in Fzero X for the N64... Eventually I, at least, came to a consensus. Just like with movies, in which the director and screen writer get more credit than anyone else on the production staff, I have to give the end Fzero ticket credits to the Nintendo staff, for having the vision to hire Amusement Vision in the first place. And as for Sega?... well, as the mere programmers of the game, I can't help but liken them to producers, who never get any real credit for films, unless their name is Jerry Bruckheimer... So I decided: as an honest and impartial Nintendo fanboy, I would attribute everything good in this game to Nintendo... and for everything that goes wrong? For everything I'd hate?... it'll be all Sega's fault, naturally...

But a miracle happened on the internet as soon as this game came out. The forums ceased to argue, as if the Red Sea had parted waves and parted them their infantile ways. And what replaced this void in the online realm, was for once... just for once... content, hardcore gamers... They weren't bickering any longer about who actually made the game what is is today, whether it be Nintendo or Sega. But on the contrary... they were actually, simply playing the game, and writing all around the clock of how damn enjoyable it was... It was miracle. A ceasefire miracle... either that, or an early Labour Day vacation for the online world, but I digress... And to be honest, at first, I wasn't convinced of Fzero GX myself. When I picked it up on Thursday I believe, the first time I popped in this game and played through both Novice and Standard, I couldn't help but think to myself, that this game somehow felt hollow... it was boost this and jump that... to the point where, hell, it felt like a Jerry Bruckheimer movie for Christ's sakes... and unless you're talking about The Rock, that's not normally a good thing... Sure, the 3400 km/h speeds that I reached in the air literally took my breath away, and artificially extended my penis length I do believe, but besides the mere novelty of it all? There were simply too many glaring flaws with the game... There was no two-player GP mode like I'd always hoped would end up in an Fzero game one day. Instead, I was forced to play against just my brother and two other friends in the multiplayer mode, which was fun, granted, but not nearly as intense as taking on a pack of goddam thirty cars... and dammit, I miss the generic cars from the first Fzero game! Where the hell were the goddam generic cars that blow the hell up for no damn reason on the goddam roads?... I also found the music in the game to be atrocious at best, at least at first. I mean, except for the remixed Mute City theme and the new Aeropolis music, every tune in the damn game felt like generic Sega GT crap all the damn way... eventually though, the Fire Field and Lightning track musics started appealing to my ears, if only out of sheer desperation and default... but that wasn't the real moment when I finally just realized to myself, that somehow, just somehow... I had somehow fallen in love with this game...

It was when I was playing the second story mode mission - that was the exact moment... After ridiculing how damn piss poorly the CG movies were done (although the cartoonish animation is now starting to grow on me... sort of like a chia pet...), I got all revved up to race the hell out of Samurai Goroh for his stupid car that I've never wanted, when... just when... my brother and I both stopped, in the middle of the road, in the middle of the goddam race... and just listened... just listened... because it was just so beautiful! Goddammit, after all our complaints... after all of our bitching and complaining... after all that we had ignorantly claimed... after all of our prayers... goddammit, the damn Red Canyon music from the original Fzero was back! It was finally back!... I don't care how illogical this may sound. But as Mr. No-name Nostalgia, I just loved this game from that moment on... I loved the controls, as they are more responsive and somehow more simple than any other racer out there on the face of the planet. I love the graphics now, as shallow as they seemed as first... I love the animation, as the silky smooth frames per second that never dips, gives more of a feel for a need for speed than any other game I've ever witnessed in my life (to the point where even the one second loading times in Fzero GX seem too damn long...)... and hell, it was only after I had heard the Big Blue remix on the 4th story stage, that I started realizing how damn majestic the rain was in the Lightning stages, and how damn cool of an effect it was to see all the flame particles whizzing right past your cockpit in Fire Field first person mode... It was only after I started falling in love with my precious Blue Falcon all over again (after it sucked like a turd in Fzero X), that I realized how damn igniting and invigorating the sound of enemy booster blasts were, and how damn revelling it was for me to blast right back past them with a burst of lightning from the arse of my ass...

God, if only I can put into words how damn satisfying it is, to beat your rival in a race by just .005 of a damn second, or how damn hard you jeer, then cheer, when you get blasted into smithereens right before the finish line, only to topple your way to first place by default... But if I could put it all into words, Fzero GX simply wouldn't be the game that it is today. It supersedes words - hell, it supersonics words - in ways that only the eyes, ears, and reflexes of sheer lightning quickness can experience... Now, there's obviously flaws in this game. For one, the story mode on even normal is so damn hard, and the GP mode on Expert (let alone Master...) is so damn frustrating for most, that it even turned away my brother from the game, even though he was the pro in the household when it came to Fzero X... I realize I beat all cups on Master after only owning the game for just four days. But considering how many times I had to retry each goddam stage to get it right? Considering the game should only take a couple goddam hours if you actually get it right?... and, well... The game also feels weak in multiplayer. I wish it were online, even though lag (even on T3 lines) would probably kill any fun in boosting past an opponent within the last .005 seconds of a race. But Sega really should've put in a LAN option (for future Gamespy tunneling, at least), or at least given us the option to have 16 cars or something in a multiplayer game... Another flaw in Fzero GX is the rather generic track designs (which I guess, I have to blame Nintendo for). With the exception of the two Aeropolis', Mute City Serial-whatever, and the last three tracks of the Emerald Cup, most of the stages are just ovals or annoying straight-aways that really don't show anything that the N64 couldn't muster back in the good ol' days. And the music? WTF? Although I love the story mode music, and although it was so damn satisfying to actually earn the Big Blue music myself, I must say... that all of us, my brother and his friends, were screaming "WTF?" at the game for getting rid of both the SNES Big Blue and N64 Port City tunes at first... and they're still swearing, even as we speak, considering this game won't let them get a copy of my memory card save if they ever do buy the game... I'll laugh in their faces if they ever do, as I watch them squirm and scream, although I'm not too sure if that sounds too good...

They're still screaming now. But I'm not. I'm not squirming... I'm not swearing... because goddammit, I'm finally smiling... and quite honestly, I haven't been this damn satisfied with a game since I last sliced my blade into Ganondorf's cranium, or even since I did my little Degeneration X dance in front of the Mario Sunshine screen, as sad as that is to say... because as a single player experience, Fzero GX can simply not be put into words. Except perhaps the most offensive words in the dictionary, considering over the past four days, I've died and repeated the same damn Emerald Cup so many damn times, that I've literally made for myself a damn bald spot on my damn head... and yet somehow, I loved every single, goddam minute of it. I normally just toss away games that frustrate me to hell, and yet Fzero GX simply called to me like a Siren of the Big Blue seas, and somehow, just somehow, I never put the damn game down... I can't put into words what exactly makes this game as damn good as it is, whether it be the sheer novelty of driving at over 1500km/h on solid tracks, whether it be the mad rush I get everytime I hear a blaze of enemy cars creeping up on my ass... whether it be the obsession I have with testing out every damn configuration for every custom car out there, whether it be the joy I experience every single damn time I bloody hell knock five or ten damn idiots off the road in the Diamond Cup... whether it be the wobbiness and weakness at the knees I feel every damn time I boost and tilt and twist my head until it damn hurts on a swirling track... or whether it be the mere ecstasy I realize, when I realize... that for the first time, both the Nintendo and Sega logos are on the television screen at the same damn time... without picture in picture and two systems whirling in the background, at least...

Because in the end, I know why the forums finally shut their traps for once when they finally got this game within their folds. Because somehow, just somehow... it doesn't just have the Nintendo magic... and it doesn't just have the Sega magic... it doesn't just have a wondrous mosiac of a melody of both classic styles from two classic gaming companies... but it also has that classic Fzero magic, which I personally thought was lost in this age of gimmicks and graphical novelty... Now, I may have said this a million times fold on this website alone, but I'll say it again, because it's true. It's damn true... Hell's bells, truth be told, I don't like racing games... I vehemontly, more than hate and loathe, every single goddam racing game...

Yet I love Fzero GX... and why? Because it's millions of miles and miles per hour beyond anything and everything else... and to hear myself say that? For anything else than a Mario Kart game? For any damn game with racing as the Ford goddam focus, period?... maybe I'm only saying this because I'm so damn smug and proud, of having four damn, friggin' stars above all five, goddam cups... but still... even so... there's only one word and one word alone that comes to mind...

... quote the Ivan. Nevermore... because it all sounds like so much goddam fun, now doesn't it?...

Y2kk Update: I hate to sound like a cynic, but the internet really is an idiot sometimes as a whole of an asshole... I mean, all thanks to an early showing of Mario Kart GC at E3, people have been blasting the game for God knows how long on the internet, all because it was "too slow" and had no corner boosting (power sliding) at the time. Now, first things first, it's sheerly ridiculous for fans of the original Mario Kart to ever consider a Mario Kart game to be "slow", considering I felt like I was moving at 15kph max in the SNES game. Because what the hell are they comparing to? F-zero GX? Project Gotham Racing? Or at least Mario Kart on 150cc during one of those stages that seemed like 250cc?... and what right to these fanatics have to call the new Mario Kart slow, when they claimed they hated Mario Kart 64 (my favourite racer of all time) for being too damn fast?... and the second thing is, Nintendo even said they were going to add the power slide back into the game, even before all the fans complained. The E3 Mario Kart GC was an early build, and contrary to what most people on the internet have to say, early builds don't always get the worm... So what the hell were the fans complaining about for the past four months or some crap like that? As if Nintendo was really going to leave out the one feature that made the Mario Kart series better than all the rest?...

Well then, flash-forward to just a week ago, and Nintendo showed a new build of the game that supposedly was twice as fast as Mario Kart 64's 150cc (at least according to Planet Gamecube), and had all the old school Mario Kart features back in except for the jump (which was useless, I admit, but nostalgic... which is why I'll miss it...) and the holding shells thing behind your back (which haters of Mario Kart 64 do not have a right to complain about, since I can't remember it in the original). And while some people were finally convinced that all their whining was for nought, and while some people patted themselves on the Patton back for 'forcing' Nintendo to bring back all these elements thanks to their bitching... there were still some out there that continued to lambaste poor Nintendo for a job not very well done, with IGN being one of them. Even though they admitted the game was now much "faster than Mario Kart 64", they still claimed the game was only a "little faster" than it was before. And considering they originally said months ago that Mario Kart GC was one of the slowest and most boring games they've ever played, I don't think a "little" goes a long way in this case... They also complained about the wide tracks, which most original Mario Kart fans hated about Mario Kart 64 (although I personally loved the wider tracks and the longer stages more than anything in the SNES Mario Kart). And although IGN's final outlook on the game was partially positive in the end, the fact of the matter was... partially is not damn good enough. I mean hell, their main concerns had all been addressed. They were proven goddam wrong about the game. Controls were fixed, weapons were fixed, speed was fixed, and power sliding was added back in, long before the release date of the game. So what the hell were they complaining about? Honestly, who throws a shoe?... It was like IGN was just trying to save face and farce, for having such a spiteful and scathing preview of the game long ago, when Nintendo themselves admitted all the features of the game weren't implemented yet. I mean, this is precisely the reason why Nintendo normally refuses to show early builds of games (besides paranoia fear that their ideas will be copied). Because apparently, their stuff is held in such high regard that people cover their eyes and block their ears whenever they learn the truth that yes, games do take time and effort to make... they don't just grow on trees, not even on Nintendo ones...

And normally, as an avid fan of Nintendo games (especially the SNES and N64 eras), by default I'd become a fan of delayed games you'd think, as long as they make the game more polished in the end... Well then, here's my delayed review of Digital Anvil's Brute Force for the Xbox, a game delayed at least once or twice, and really has nothing to show for it... Now, I admit that Brute Force was a good enough game that I finished it with my brother. I mean hell, in the boredom of the summer, I'd beat any game with my brother as long as it has co-op (although we did give up on Baldur's Gate: Dark Alliance, but that's besides the point). It's just that... it's not that I was expecting the best game since Halo when I picked up Brute Force a month or so back. It's just that, considering the game has exactly the same controls as Halo? And considering Brute Force was so heavily hyped up in 2002 to be absolutely the game of the year of 2003, even compared to my precious Zelda?... well then...

Sometimes?... I hate to sound like a cynic, but the internet really is an idiot of an asshole when it comes to this hyping shit...

Of course, I only have myself to blame in the end, considering I half believed all the fanboy ravings and rantings, not to mention all those early previews from internet sources who called Brute Force a "Halo-killer". And of course, I might have Microsoft to blame as well, for showing off ads for the game that were completely 100% CG movies, with no sign of the actual in-game graphics whatso-friggin'-ever... But all hype aside, Brute Force really isn't a bad game. It has Halo controls, which were familiar enough for me to get right into the game with, yet somehow felt so damn awkward in the end for a number of reasons... First of all, Brute Force is a third person shooter, and I agree with Miyamoto's statement long time ago before Metroid Prime was ever revealed: that a third person shooter can never be done well... I know that Halo was originally a third person shooter before its conversion to the light side of the force. I can only shudder at how badly that game must've sucked outside of Master Chief's helmet... Because Brute Force is proof that the first person genre is wildly popular in North America for a reason. Even with Halo controls, I couldn't aim if my life goddam depended on it. All I ever did in this game was play as either Brutus or Tex (or Flint with the auto aiming ability on), and just fired into the abyss, hoping that I would hit something like any good American shooter wishes... and just by changing little things to the controls, like the addition of holding down the button for longer grenade throws, just completely threw me off in the end, as I would always underestimate or overestimate where my goddam sonic grenades would go (I never had a problem with Halo grenades in comparison, thanks to first person aiming). And hell, Brute Force doesn't have the right to use Halo controls, considering it doesn't even have a goddam flashlight to use! Sure, the med-packs set to a single button were a decent idea (although it gets rid of a lot of strategy in the game), but goddammit, the organic sensor sucked in the end! Give me the damn flashlight back, or give me Digital Anvil death! And goddammit, the one thing that I hated in Halo - the inability to toggle crouching on and off - was not even goddam touched in this game! Wasupwit-friggin'-dat?

And the thing was... the funny thing was... Brute Force was released alongside a novel, based on the game. Halo also has two novels out, both of which were mildly successful, at least with the series' fans... But the thing, how the hell did Brute Force get a novel, considering?... ummm... Where the fuck is the plotline in this game? I mean honestly, all it is, is a lame excuse to go Rambo in space. There are bad-guys. You shoot the bad-guys. End of discussion... I was hoping for some stunning storyline revelation in the end. Instead, all I got was a last boss that wouldn't even die from the brunt of a gun in a friggin' shooter game!... I mean, thanks to not having any resemblance of a plot whatsoever, it was simply no damn fun to kill any of the bad guys in the game, except for maybe those fire guys who walk on four legs... I mean, who the hell cares if I shoot Shadoon with twin mini-guns a hundred times over in the head, if I simply don't give a damn about any of the crap ruckus that he's supposedly causing in the system? Who the hell cares if I down a few mutants, when they have no goddam personalities whatsoever? I mean, didn't the designers of this game learn anything from WWE Wrestling? Nobody cares really whether a wrestler is capable in the ring or not, except for maybe Chris Benoit these days... They only care if the character has, well... character... like John Cena, who now gets cheers and boos whenever he gets beaten up during his raps, though he never got any damn reactions for his incredible wrestling skills back when he beat my beloved Chris Jericho bloody hell twice in a row... yes, I'm still bitter, but that's besides the point...

The point is, Brute Force is a good game, except that it's a generic game. The graphics are decent I suppose, although the backgrounds sure as hell get bland the fourth or fifth time you go through the same damn stage lookalikes (Brute Force even makes Halo stages look varied in comparison). And the animation isn't bad for the BF weapons and explosions, but all the characters in the game, especially the four that you play, look stiff as hell as they move around like WWE Raw Xbox wrestlers in the ring or some crap like that... The sound in the game is nothing to scoff at, but I can't remember anything special about anything, especially the voice dialogue that's cheesy and virtually devoid of any sort of variety. And the weapons feel like they're just carbon copies of Doom, Halo, and Duke Nukem in the end, as even the most original weapons (the bioreactive and the Jax, for example) are just damn energy bolts of various colours in the end... The only thing that was truly supposed to separate Brute Force from the rest, was the promise of a tactical narcotics team squad, or squid, or squid pro rho, or some crap like that... and in the end, that was the most empty promise of all. I mean, sure I admit that just like it was in Halo, the single player campaigns are a hell of a lot more fun with little computer partners gunning down baddies and gunning down themselves on screen, but when you actually try to make the computer players that you have do something reasonably intelligent?... All I do these days is send in Hawk to be killed, because she's absolutely useless when she doesn't use her cloaking ability (which doesn't last long enough in my opinion either). And I send in Flint to kill everything in sight, because her sniping as a computer character is far better than mine will ever be in a third person shooter... And of course, I send in Brutus to just slaughter every one in the end, while I just sit back as Tex and respawn whomever ends up getting killed the end... Get my driff? Are you getting my point? There's only three commands that you can actually give these damn characters, as if they were pet dogs: stay, follow me, and attack whatever idiot is sitting alone in the outfields... and in the end, the members of my squad don't do a very good job of either of the three, as they always end up getting themselves killed somehow, no matter how much protection I goddam give them... I mean, sure it's been argued, that the game is generously giving us the option of either using a squad properly (by switching between the characters yourself for use), or to simply run and gun it like Halo. But in the end?... it's simply too troublesome and meddlesome in the middle of a battle to keep changing characters like light bulbs, and considering the team is supposed to be "tactical"?... well, I don't think the AI teams at Digital Anvil were very tactical about this mindless, Doom-brained programming at all, but I digress...

And yet, I still beat this game. I still went through every damn stage, no matter how painful it was to my teeth... and half of me wants to say it was the boredom of the summer. But half of me also wants to chalk it up to the fact that Brute Force, in the end, is not that bad of a game. It's just simply not Halo in the end, as no game but Halo ever is... And the strange thing about Brute Force, is that is sort of pulls an anti-Halo in the end. Halo ended up what many consider a smart shooter, while Brute Force is brutally brainless. And while Halo is a blast in two player co-op mode, even though it was designed with just one player in mind, Brute Force actually is a hell of a lot more fun in single player than it is in two-player co-op at least, even though it's greatest attribute was supposed to be four-player co-op in the end... I will give credit to Digital Anvil for making a multiplayer game with no slowdown that I've ever seen. Unfortunately though, the graphics in co-op mode ended up so damn bad in the end, that it was simply mind-boggling how I could actually see more than the outlines of bad guys whenever I switched to single player mode... And I will give credit to Brute Force, for allowing gamers to join in on the co-op action anytime they want, with the press of a the start button. The only problem is... Brute Force is simply not Halo, so chances are that nobody I will ever know will ever bother to pick up that third or fourth controller in the first place...

Don't get me wrong. Brute Force is far from being a bad game. But it's also a far cry (or even a Devil May Cry) from ever being a good game, regardless of the potential that resides in its multiplayer features. Because you can quote both me and Miyamoto on this one: no third person shooter will ever be considered great. I mean, some liked Max Payne for its novelty and personality. And some even liked Jet Force Gemini for its, umm... something... and some still like Brute Force for its team based action and blah blah blah. But in the end? It all comes down to vision, of what you can see on screen, and how damn well you can aim at the bloody bad guys who you hopefully have some incentive to kill. And I'm sorry for sounding like a cynic of an internet assclown, but it's true - a first person co-op shooter was all I wanted... and that's something Brute Force could simply not deliver... I guess I could blame that on not looking at the back of the damn game cover, but I'd rather blame that on the internet, thank you very much...

And, well... enough with the depressing Xbox stories. On with the depressing Stargate SG-1 news, which is simply put, Stargate is now put on hold. It's kaput... it's staying put... until December, at the very least... And while last year sauced up my lips with the cool promise of the Prometheus, I can't say that I'm feeling all rosy in anticipation for the second part of Evolution. Because simply put, Evolution didn't feel very evolutionary to me, in terms of Stargate storytelling at least... actually, I felt like the show had backtracked to the 80s. Sure, watching the new Anubis warrior take C4 to the crotch was entertaining (even though the blast should've at least knocked it over, considering it tore apart the damn ground it was walking on), but in the end, I just felt like the character was a bad rip off of the Predator, the Borg, and especially Darth Vadar as they were taking the mask off... and I also found it stupid in the end, that the team didn't bring more back-up, plan C ideas with them. They should've remembered that tranqs have barely any effect on normal Goa'ulds, let alone one in a genetically engineered body. So if they wanted to be smart, they should've either a) shot it in the head with a damn rocket launcher (which would knocked it over at least, no matter how much energy it absorbs), b) shot it with a huge damn harpoon (which would definitely send it flying... although a couple rail gun shots would do the trick even better), or c) just friggin' filled the trinium darts with poison or something, and if that didn't work, make the tips explode inside the armour as well (although that would've taken too much time to build in the labs)... or better yet, they should've tried capturing it in the ship with no oxygen in the first place. I mean, there's an oxymoron for you... or trying to use an energy shield on an energy absorbing creature? Now that's idiotic for you too...

But enough with the new threat for the season, although I will never stop complaining how the new army is even more of a cliche than everyone's favourite Anubis... On with the characters, whom I'm afraid, didn't get to do much in this episode... O'Neil was surprisingly annoying in this episode. Although I did love the look on his face when the claymores didn't work, why the hell was he so damn tactless in the minor Goa'uld's jail cell?... not to mention the fact that I guess the Goa'uld do use metal bars on occasion, but that's besides the point... Sam Carter got to try out her scientific skills again. But considering she had barely any family reaction to Jacob being there, I couldn't help but be disappointed in the end with her as well... Teal'c had one grand moment: the look on his face when he realized even he didn't kill the new Anubis warrior. But besides that? Was he even in the rest of the episode?... The only character to truly stand out in Evolution was Daniel. Although the fountain of youth idea felt a little farfetched in the end, even for Stargate somehow, I did enjoy how he got to a) finally speak another language than English, and b) spend some time with actual earth archaeology for once. The kidnapping thing was rather unexpected too, so I'll give kudos to the writer's there for making a new earth threat for once. My only problem with the Honduras scenes was that the temple getting flooded was a bit too Mummy Returns for my tastes, but I'll forgive the show for that, considering Daniel's idea of all water leading to the device was quite brilliant...

Overall, Evolution was not the pinnacle ascension of Stargate as the name would lead you to believe. It didn't leave me craving for more, except for more chances to yell at the screen at how damn stupid the SG teams were when taking on the new warrior (although if the armour is similar to Kevlar, why the hell wouldn't the Goa'uld at least get stunned after a few hundred rounds of bullets or something? I doubt the armour can absorb that much kinetic energy without getting chinked apart, piece by piece, but I digress...). But alas, I guess I won't (and can't) reserve final judgement of the show until the second part of the episode arrives. But for now, the only thing that matters... is that unlike Daniel in the temple waters, I won't be bothering to hold my breath in hope of something better...

Y2kk Update: Before the summer started, there were only two movies that I highly anticipated: Terminator 3, and SWAT... Back then, I personally thought Terminator 3 would be the stinker of the two though, and that SWAT, thanks to Colin Farrell and the legendary Samuel L, would rock the cabana in more ways than even The Rock did in its heyday... But I now see that the tides of war and the Tide of tables have both been turned, on whatever hell kind of preconceptions I had when I first watched the trailers. Terminator 3 ended up being my favourite movie of the year so far (even though I know that's not such a popular opinion on the internet), and SWAT?... well?...

I saw SWAT last week with my brother, and to be honest, although it was a good movie, it wasn't exactly the pinnacle achievement of film making today... To be honest, it's biggest problem, was that every character in the end (yes, even Colin's) was simply one-dimensional, paper bag caricatures in the, um, end... LL Cool J did nothing but show off his chest. Michelle Rodriguez did nothing outside of her five minutes of proving that a woman can do a man's job. The two white guys in the back, TJ and whatever that moustached guy was called, did nothing but give suspicious looks throughout the whole film... I admit that Colin had a bit of history with his old partner Gamble, but he did nothing but shoot things as soon as the six months passed. And hell, even Samuel L Jackson's character had little to no character development as soon as he showed up on screen. All he did was search and recruit a movie star sniper from The Recruit. That's about it... he didn't even get any of those cool one liners that even make his worst films seem like formulaic 51 gold on the big screen...

I guess I was expecting a bit too much from SWAT, considering it is just another summer blockbuster film. Because in the end, it did serve up quite a nice platter of desensitizing action and whatnot, enough so that it made me forgive the movie for its completely forgettable characters... The robbery action sequence at the start of the movie did keep me glued to my seat, if only because it reminded me a hell of a lot of that LA bank robber shoot-out from just a few years ago... I personally loved the chase in the sewers, as slow paced as it was, simply because Stargate has given me a new love for the use of claymores... And the final sequence, in the chase against the plane? Not only was it great how a limo could survive so many bullet shots somehow, but the sight of seeing it ram itself against the wheels of an airplane?... it sure brought me back to the glory days of seventies and eighties action, where shit just blew up for no apparent reason whatsoever, except for the sake of blowing up...

And it's the little scenes in the movie that made it a decent viewing, and probably worth my matinee money in the end. My favourite moment was definitely the card game with the sniper rifles. Even though it abhorred me how the SWAT team was using guns for such a meaningless purpose, even I have to admit that it would be sure as hell fun to nail four aces in a row to prove that you're as good as you say you are... only to be beaten by someone even better... And as for the training scenario, with the plane incursion and everything? Although the end result was predictable, and although the scene really did nothing except prove that Michelle was on the team for a reason, I must admit that paintball action is quite fascinating to watch in the movies for once. For once, I actually enjoyed non-lethal killing in a movie, simply because it was a damn cool move to swing down from the top of the airplane and nail someone through a window... because - sniff sniff - it's the little things in life you treasure...

Of course, I have a huge amount of complaints about SWAT. The treachery was predictable as hell, considering the camera man was giving evil angles to the culprit behind the wheel... And the villain was barely a villain. He brought along a knife and had an accent - that was the extent of his evilness... Not to mention the fact that it was completely stupid how the SWAT team just let the no-name Frenchie talk so damn candidly to all the reporters, but that's besides the point... And as for the final fist fight of the movie? Although Gamble did lay some decent traps along the way, he was just so completely boring in the final fight that I almost wished the film had ended with the plane crash... And hell, there were just so many flaws in this movie, that it was almost like watching the pilot episode of a bad 1970s television cop show... But despite all the problems I had with SWAT, I did find it's more relaxing and more realistic pace to be more favourable than Bad Boys II. And I did enjoy most of the film when I turned my brain off, as it's always cool to see an RPG fired in the middle of an American street... SWAT is by no means a rival in my eyes to Terminator 3, like I hoped it would be. But it was still a decent movie nonetheless, with enough action sequences to bring back the glory days of when cop shows ruled the earth.

And like I said, how could I possibly not love a show with claymores blowing up doors and crap like that?... which is probably why I normally love Stargate SG-1 so much, yet I couldn't really love this week's episode, Birthright... Now, I've already read some claims on the internet, that Jolene Blalock was far better in this episode than in any episode of Enterprise. Of course, I'd rather just say that all these Stargate fans have it in for Enterprise, which is still in my opinion the best Trek series since The Next Generation, but I digress... The thing was, Blalock as Ishtar or whatever her name was, really was no different to me than a Vulcan who's allowed to kiss. She barely showed emotion, she refused to use conjunctions, and hell - she was dressed in reasonably revealing alien clothing. How could I not consider her T'Pol then?... overall, her character was Klingon cliche. She has a duty, she is a warrior, and blah blah blah... I did love the look in her eyes when she realized all the men she had killed just may have been rebels at heart as well. Turns out her post-feminism methods may not have be as idealic as they once seemed, which to me would be a lesson to the whole world, but I digress... Overall though, Ishtar was just T'Pol with a pouch. But I must admit, she had good chemistry with Christopher Judge on screen... though I refuse to accept the fact that some lame-ass Jaffa can steal her away from everyone's favourite hick, Trip Tucker...

As for the rest of the cast? O'Neil wasn't in the episode much, but he had enough great lines to make him feel like he was part of the team again. His comments on the Amazonians capturing potential mates were some of his best in years, and I couldn't help but snicker and giggle when Teal'c was sure as hell keeping "in touch" with Ishtar before his very eyes... Carter didn't have many special moments in my opinion, though. But I know the internet will never forget her abruptness and discomfort when that other Jaffa woman talked about Sam's and Jack's "relationship" or some sort of respectful crap... Daniel Jackson had what I consider his best moments since the pilot episode of the season. Of course, it helped that I found the little sister cute, but still, even without the attraction, I will avidly and Candice candidly admit that Daniel was at his best talking to himself, so to speak... and even I had to blush when the girl's "affection" for Daniel and his glasses was exposed at the end... But the real star of the episode was of course the writer, Christopher Judge. Although I didn't agree that he had spoken more in the past day than he has in the past few years, I will admit that it was about time that someone on the show had a semi-workable relationship. And in the sparring match, he did somehow show that hint of embarrassment, that he's not the same warrior as he was before Tretonin. I don't know how I got that image in my head, but I'll attribute Teal'c's acting to that, nonetheless...

Overall, I did enjoy Birthright in its own right. But still, the plotline was just too straight-forward for my tastes, as most Jaffa episodes are... once again, it was about pride, and about being stronger than the rest, and about tradition... all of which I suffer through enough of at home... But the true strength of this episode lied in how every single character, Janet Frasier included, got a piece of the action with some very memorable moments. And although I still have too many open questions about Tretonin to fully enjoy the fact it exists (how many Goa'ulds do they have to kill to make Tretonin for one person? How do they get all the Goa'ulds? Can they ground dead ones, or must they be living? And isn't it wrong to use sentient creatures for medicine?), I will admit that the little girl at the end did look damn cute in the hospital clothing... I don't know why, but I've always been a sucker for a girl in loose hospital clothing... and for women blowing up crap with claymores, but I guess that's besides the point...

Y2kk Update: Once in a blue girl moon, a game comes along that's truly, indefinitely surprising... a game that's truly, infinitely invigorating... a game that's truly a cut above all the rest in terms of innovation, gameplay, and sheer fun factor...

Sega's Shenmue II for the Xbox is not that game... but at times, it does get close...

I will admit that I went into the Shenmue series with a wee bit of bias... I mean, I'm a Zelda fan, right? And here we had Yu Suzuki's first real foray into the overcrowded world of epic games... except for one thing: most of the time, Shenmue really isn't really a game. It's simply an interactive movie, and a poorly acted out one at that... So of course, I entered the world of Ryo Hazuki with more than just a few apprehensions and pretensions. The game was trying to be as great as Zelda, yet was nothing like Zelda - so of course, I would feel threatened... and as the good dog that I am, I pissed all over my territory, in hope of marking it against Ryo and all his vengeful glory. But truth be told, against all of my prior judgements, and against all that I had previously read and scolded about the Shenmue series, I must now admit that Shenmue II is a really, really, ridiculously good game... It's not the end-all be-all of games as the infamous Yu Suzuki hoped it would be. But it's a start at least, as it's the first Sega-made game that I've enjoyed since... well... since maybe even the Master System days, although I'm sure there's something on the Dreamcast that I must've liked...

First, the technicality problems with Shenmue... The graphics pretty much suck. The game was designed for the Dreamcast, and even though most textures were ramped up to full quality for the Xbox version, you could just tell from looking at the trees (especially the long awaited Shenmue tree) that the game was made with inferior hardware in mind. The water effects are non-existent outside of the cgi movies, the lighting effects are no better than a first generation PowerVR card can handle, and as for the characters? Most of them look like N64 characters, with flat textures planted on blocks for faces. And even Ryo doesn't look very good during the game, as even his face seems to lack any dynamic detail. Although I will credit the designers for implementing really nice hair effects on all the women in the game, the thing is, when the main protagonist of the story doesn't look appealing?... well, nevermind... at least fatass Don Niu looked decent for a blob... and as for the sound? It's alright, I guess. I do like the soundtrack, since it blends so perfectly into the background that you never even notice it. The only problem is, I really wished that an epic like Shenmue would have some sort of theme song or some crap like that, to remember the game by. While most moments in games, the music should (in my opinion) stand second fiddle to the gameplay, I will concede that there are also moments that some real standout music really could've helped make this game stand out a hell of a lot more in my mind... The play control ain't the best in this game either. Once you get rid of the Resident Evil R-for-run controls, the game gets alright. But in a game where turning around properly is a chore, and a game where you can't even lock onto guys in fighting mode? Not exactly what I was hoping for from a company like Sega... And the voice acting? Yeesh. Give me Keese and geese, because please... Although hearing "left, right, right!" while hauling boxes was helpful in English, all of Ryo Hazuki's awful "Sure"s and "Yeah"s and idiotic "Really"s during the whole damn game, sure as hell would've been easier to cope with had they remained in their original Japanese... While games like Halo and Metal Gear Solid get pretty damn good voice acting, why the hell couldn't Sega order some decent smoes off the street to at least make the lead character sound better than Keanu Reeves? Hell, at times I was expecting Ryo to go "Alright...", and "Okay", and "Congratulations", and "Whoah", which pretty much sums up Keanu's vocabulary throughout the entire Matrix series... but I digress...

But the most glaring flaw of the game, is probably the entire damn game itself. The thing was, Yu Suzuki had a dream. A dream that he could make a living world, where thousands of characters could be talked to, and where every single door and nick and cranny could be opened up, even for no apparent reason whatsoever... He had a dream, that he could simulate life to the fullest, while steering the game in a single direction unlike all those crap Sims games out there... and unfortunately, his dream didn't turn out that well. Sure, there are thousands of characters to talk to in Shenmue II, but it's only a matter of time until you realize that not one of them has anything interesting to say. Although it's always interesting to note that everyone on the streets is willing to walk you to where you need to go, the truth of the matter is, it is not a living, breathing world that Yu has made. He's simply made a simulated world, where a bunch of automatons walk around, all thinking and doing the same damn things... And what's the use of knocking on every door, only to find that there's nothing of interest in any room? And what's the point of all the money in the game? Sure, it was fun for me to constantly gamble at the Big and Small tables (I ended the game with $35,000 HK thank you very much...), but sometimes, a game needs a point... There was no point in getting all the money that I earned. There was no point in gathering as many capsules toys as you can near pawn shops. There was no point in getting Fangmei a birthday present. There was no point in practicing on damn busted trees, as I beat the whole game without leveling up a single move. And there was no point in forcing goddam jobs as boring as moving crates with your hands to the sound of Congo, in a game that's supposed to be focused on one damn thing: revenge for your father's death.

But oh wait... I forgot... although it's strange how a guy as pissed off as Ryo could have so much fun playing Afterburner and Hang-on (I wish the arcade versions were emulated instead of their home versions, but the Master System games were nice additions nonetheless), considering he's supposed to be hell bent on murder, I will admit that for the most part, the focus of the game is, well... focused... And that's the other problem with this game: it isn't a game! Shenmue II is a friggin' movie! Sure, you can level up your moves with the Tai Chi masters (who I still can't hit by the way). Sure, you can go street fighting in Kowloon or drink tea at restaurants while you wait for a criminal bastard to show up. But for the most part, Shenmue II truly earns it's RPG status by simply guiding you through the plotline, as if the plotline was the whole damn game. And in that linear sense, Shenmue truly is the definition of a Japanese RPG, although an unconventional one at that... I mean, I've literally left my controller on my lap for ten minutes straight, simply to wait out whatever the hell the characters were saying on screen. I would then control Ryo for thirty damn seconds until the next checkpoint, at which the CGI movies would take over again for another ten damn minutes... So quite frankly, what's the point? Why bother making Ryo walk straight if he's only going to get to another movie sequence?... And quite frankly, as a Zelda fan, this kind of Hollywoodness in a game really does bother me, as I paid for a game, not a movie. And it especially bothered me in the final chapter of the game, Bailu Village, which I will completely agree is the worst part of the entire game (although I guess one can consider everything after Kowloon to be one, damn, drawn-out ending that you play through, and not really part of the game to be judged...).

And yet, I still admit that Shenmue II not only is my favourite Sega game in AM ages, but is also one of the games that I've found myself most involved with for the past few months (or, well... since Halo, at least...). Because the thing is... yes, I can complain about all the movies. Yes, I can complain about the linear gameplay... but the truth of the matter is, I like linear gameplay. I like knowing where I have to go, and knowing what I have to do (which is why I hate Morrowind so damn much... besides the fact it's screwing up my Xbox hard drive...). And the fact of the matter is, even though most of the time I am sitting back in my basement chair, watching the game play itself, I do admit that... besides the voice acting... the plotline of this game really isn't painful... Hell, I even found it good at times. So spoilers ahead - I really did find the story between Xuiying and Ryo to be interesting. Sure, it was cliche as hell, with Ryo turning to the dark side and everything. Hell, I half expected Lan Di to show up in the middle of my goddam book moving sessions, with Ryo screaming, "Lan Di, you killed my father!", only to hear back, "hiss... No, Ryo... hiss... I am your father"... or some crap along those lines... And while characters like Joy and Fangmei added little to the plotline, I was pleasantly surprised at how much variety Ren added to the mix, even though he was just an archetypal badass with a heart of gold... Now, there were definitely parts of the plotline that I did not enjoy. Running around to learn the four Wudes lead to some decent characters, but the running around sure as hell got annoying to me by even the second Wude crap. And having to move books in order to stay at Xuiying's place? Sure, she was hot enough for me to take pleasure in taking pictures of, but honestly... I don't mind learning about patience and virtue and whatever kind of crap in video games. My only problem was being forced to use it in a video game, which is quite frankly, the medium for people with attention deficit disorder, but that's besides the point... And I didn't like much that was going on in Kowloon. I found the town to be rather boring and lonesome actually, with nothing going on the streets except gambling, although the ending with Lan Di showing up was rather epic in the end. It's just too bad the ending to the whole game was too much of a denouement for my tastes. The journey to Bailu village was a waste of time, except when I got to see Ryo plunge to his death. Because I mean, when the secret of the Phoenix Mirror revealed itself earlier on in the game, it really gave me high hope for a stunning ending that would make me crave the next chapter in the series even damn more... but alas, some things just aren't meant to be... and end spoilers I guess...

The thing was, the plot in Shenmue II was great by most game's standards, but perhaps not even by an average RPG's standards. Sure, Shenmue's story interested me on the most part, but you see, I'm Chinese - I grew up with this Kung Fu shit. How many other North Americans would actually put up with stacking books?... and the thing was, even when action did happen on screen, it wasn't very good in this game. Most of the combat one-one-one was just dodge and hit - not very fun, even compared to most 3d fighters. It does get decent sometimes when you get to beat on ten guys all at once, but as the final building in Kowloon proved, too much of a good thing can sure as hell get old fast... and I'll admit here and now, that the quick timer or whatever you call those horrid things, sure as hell are annoying as hell. Some Shenmue fans harken them back to the glory days of Dragon's Lair... I, on the other hand, just keep calling Shenmue a cheapass knock off of Sega's own Dreamcast game, Dynamite Cop. I mean, I found that pressing A or up or whatever kind of crap was alright most of the time. But when climbing the ghost building for example - just falling once led to doing the whole damn seven floors all damn over again. And when fighting in the basement in the final building? All because I missed a left-left-B timer event, I had to play the whole damn battle again, and it was even more damn annoying when I still couldn't get the timer event down the second time around, just because I couldn't read the damn messages that came on screen... Although I will admit that my brother enjoyed these quick timer events, considering he was watching the game and not playing it, if only because they led to some cool CGI moves on screen, I have to warn you few readers out there, that the whole damn Shenmue II really only consists of the following: pressing left, pressing A, asking for directions, walking up buildings, stumbling with books, gambling for money, and oh yes - watching fifteen hours of cheapass, quality movies... and yet...

And yet? I still love this game. The environments may not be living like Yu Suzuki hoped they would be, but I became addicted to this game for one reason and one reason only: because it was too damn cool how you can roam the streets of Wan Chai, Hong Kong all night long, and see all the shops and apartments that really do look quite authentic to the crap that I grew up with in Chinatown... and I love this game, if only because even though all the faces look primitive compared to most Xbox games, they still have the right life in them to actually make them seem Chinese... and I don't know why, considering all these people ever do is walk around and make ambient noise, but it really does create a wondrous atmosphere - to see all those people walking around to shops, opening doors and talking amongst themselves, even if none of them have minds of their own... All of this just somehow made Hong Kong feel so damn familiar to me, which is no wonder why I loved the first half of the game, while the ugly buildings in Kowloon and the emptiness and damn preachiness of the final chapter in the game turned me off stone damn cold... If only Shenmue II, both in atmosphere and plotline quality, could've just made me feel the same way throughout the whole game as I did in Wan Chai, then I would give Shenmue one of my highest marks on the Xbox, if only because I've never seen Chinese people done so much justice in a game before. Hell, I've never seen a modern city done so well in a game before, not even in Grand Theft Auto 3 (although I have yet to try Vice City)... While poor graphics by today's standards, mostly boring action, horrible voice overs, and a real annoying last half of the game, all prevent Shenmue from ranking up there with the best of Halos on my list, the first half of the game was definitely good enough to warrant a purchase from me. As I was shocked as hell, that a game I prejudged to be nothing more than a poor, epicless sham, ended up being my second favourite Xbox game as of this time of writing... go figure, I guess. And go fish by Bailu Village, as I'm sure will be some mini-game in Shenmue III along with darts and Pong or some crap like that...

And in a way, I feel bad for Yu Suzuki. His game is far from perfect, but I do see his dream. I do see his vision, of a Japanese epic... of a sixteen chapter, firelit epic... all linked together by sixteen Fangmei candles, like the greatest of Link legends, over seven fine games in a row... But I also see from Shenmue, that his dream, that his game, is simply too slow paced, is simply too damn preachy, and is simply too damn Japanese to ever get the sales and future funding that it must to be completed... with a vengeance, and with a die hard justice... sorry, Ryo... no Di for you... but for what it's worth, you, Yu, have my pledge and my vote. I'd buy Shenmue III in a heartbeat, if only to feel cities like virtual Hong Kong once more... Shenmue II isn't a game that feels real. But it definitely feels like a game that has life. And that, in my opinion, is truly, indefinitely surprising...

And, well... besides Shenmue II, there's only one thing left to report this week. Avenger 2.0... I've been anticipating this Stargate SG-1 episode for quite some time now, if only because it marked the return of everyone's favourite Felger... or is that an oxymoron, considering so many fans hated Felger when he made his debut last season?... but either way, I loved every single line he muttered with a stutter. And while I feel bad that Daniel, Teal'c, and O'Neil were all relegated to nowhere positions in this week of Stargate, I will admit that the combination of Felger and Sam made me forget all about the rest of the team in no time flat... Well, Carter was a pretty one dimensional character in Avenger actually, playing second fiddle to Felger. She got to shoot some Jaffa, and admit that Felger or Folger or whatever you want to call him, was quite the screw up. But besides that?... well, she was there... she didn't do much besides that... but she did get in a few damn good licks in one of every guy's favourite Stargate fantasy scenes in the end, as I'm with O'Neil: "shhh... don't talk"... As for O'Neil, besides the ending? He actually got enough good lines to satisfy me for the first time since the sixth season. And besides, he got to steal an Alkash ship as a new toy, and rescued damsel in distress Carter while he was at it. How cool was that for him?...

But the star of the show, and essentially the only character of the show, was Felger. From his talk of photon torpedoes, to his discussion with his mother on the phone, I really did connect with the poor guy, as I too know the doom and gloom of failure... and I too know what it's like to have a crush on a brilliant blonde, but I guess that's besides the point... Felger was also written some brilliant lines. He got to finally say what I've always wanted to say, that humility is simply another aspect of perfection... And I loved his line, that even Carter's mistakes are perfect, and I couldn't help but ball out while laughing when his little dialing program upload didn't make a dent in Baal's new virus... and by the way, I found Felger's idea of a Stargate virus to be quite ingenious, just like Sam did. I did find it odd however, the Baal could decypher and recode the virus in just a matter of hours... especially since I'm sure he wasn't on that planet... but still, details, details are unnecessary. Because I can't even begin to recall the number of times I laughed during this last hour of Stargate. From Felger's paper bag apprehension, to him just standing there as O'Neil called him Folger through the MALP, I loved almost every moment everyone's favourite geek was live on the air... I know some people felt the episode was not enough team based, or that it was mockery of women (since Felger was the star, while his assistant and Carter played backup). But I don't really have principles when it comes to comedy. I found this episode hilarious, and that's the bottom line. Because there's really nothing like a cup of sweet Folger in the morning... although, um, coming from a guy?... I guess that doesn't sound too good... but I would love to hear such a thing with my name replaced, when I finally get a couple trollops of my own...

Y2kk Update: Goddammit, I wanted to see Tomb Raider... it was my only purpose in life...

But I guess life is not always fair? And neither is the Cradle of Life, apparently... it's not like I've ever assumed the latest Lara Croft movie was any good or any crap like that. You'd have to be psycho to believe a movie with only 22% positive reviews at Rotten Tomatoes has anything decent to offer other than buffilicious bump-mapping... And it's not like I was ever crazy enough to like the first film... but still, if only for the stupid stunts and the even stupider plotline, I did want to see the latest Tomb Raider movie... but thanks to a certain, extremely-concerned-and-controlling friend and a dearly "thank you", that won't be happening anymore... or actually, the only reason I did want to see the damn film in the first place, was because I was hoping that my sister, fresh off a new job, would actually pay for my ticket. Because God knows I'd never pay to see a Tomb Raider movie... and yet I saw Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle, but that's besides the point...

Considering I didn't see Tomb Raider 2 or anything last week, there really isn't much to report on my noname site this week. There is of course the guaranteed arrival of a new Stargate SG-1 episode, and although it wasn't the grandest, most epic episode to ever come out of the writer's minds, I did enjoy Space Race for the most part... Colonel O'Neil was literally only in the episode for about a minute or two, although I did crack up at his comment about the "translated" work not being our language... Daniel got a few sibling-like moments in with Carter, but besides trying to get her to admit the truth to herself, he didn't really do much. And besides Teal'c's unwillingness to do on a diplomatic mission, he was pretty much invisible in the background yet again, although his bell hop outfit somehow suited his Murray persona quite well... In the end, Space Race was really only two things: a Star Wars attack of a cloned feeling, and a chance for Amanda Tapping to literally shine, as she did look quite joyful and glowful as she basked in the corona's light... I absolutely loved her line at the start of the episode, "What's a girl to do?" It was perhaps the first ever time that I found Sam to be cute, and although it would go against her military personality if she did so, I'd love it if she acted more "gung-ho"ish from this day forth (although it was already weird enough how she was pretty much ignoring Hammond in the briefing room)... But alas, the energy that Tapping portrayed in the first fifteen minutes of the show quickly subsided, even before she got caught in fiery death dangers up in space. Up in the Serebus, she seemed neither pleased nor pissed, although at least it was nice for her to finally get another episode where she was allowed to have her fun... As for the episode itself, it had a hell of a huge Star Wars feel, as the ships were seen maneuvering around asteroids and ramming each other at finishing lines and whatnot. And the commercials, while somewhat funny, were more than annoying to me, if only because they reminded me of Robocop or those god-awful Episode I announcers just a little too much... But for an episode that basically had no action, Space Race truly did catch and keep my attention, if only because of Samantha Carter's aggressive energy. Sure, I found the rich white man racism plot to be tried and cliche, but it did make sense. And the ending of the episode was quite rewarding in the, um, end, as Carter finally got back her cute little zest once more as she admitted that the race wasn't fair... it's just too bad I'm quite sure we won't be seeing this side of the dark side of her anytime else soon... she should really give into the force more often, but that's besides the point...

And, well... That's basically it from me for this week. There's really nothing else to report. But since I've got to fill the useless space of this no-name site anyhew with something other than a race for time, I might as well just copy and past the Xbox Morrowind review that I wrote last night. It's kind of pointless to read, but considering the game was considered for best game of the year at the time?... well... my Xbox reviews can be found at this page, and my Morrowind review can be found just down below here:

"You know... I had high hopes for this game... I had heard so many damn good things about it. Hell, I even heard that it was better than Zelda and the Final Fantasies from countless forums on the net. And in theory, it looked to be a great game. I may not be a fan of non-linear RPGs, or any Western RPGs for that matter, but all my previous experiences had been with the PC, a platform that I continue to hate no matter what the game... Morrowind was ported from the PC to the Xbox, and when I saw it for just $15 US while touring around in Seattle the other week? How could I not pick up the so-called best RPG or even the best game of 2000 or 2001 or whenever the PC version of it had come out... I had heard from so many people, that either you love Morrowind or you hate it. And guess what?...

God, I've played through maybe ten or fifteen hours of the game, only because of sheer determination to not give up on the damn game... And while a Morrowind fan might say, "you can't judge this game based on the first ten hours of it! It's a fifty hour game! It's like judging a two hour movie from the first fifteen minutes alone!"... and, um... no... to me, it's more like judging a fifty hour damn movie marathon from the first damn fifteen hours of it, which in my opinion, is more than enough to truly know whether you're a fan of the genre or not... Now, no matter how bored I get with Morrowind, it will forever have my respect. In a sense, it has revolutionized the RPG world with its non-linear missions. I mean, it's already been fifteen hours of playtime, and yet I still haven't even touched the main quest (I've been stuck doing Fighter's Guild and Mages' Guild crap to pass the time). And I'll give kudos to this game, for being one of the first to truly use the Xbox's hard drive to the fullest potential. Although seeing weapons that I dropped on the floor ten hours ago in the game lost its zeal on the PC long ago, it's just a wonder to see it in a console game, when even games like Zelda can't manage to pull such a stunt off. And because of these two factors alone, I can see why so many people love and loved Morrowind as if it were their God... enough to forge a character in it as damn powerful as a god...

First of all, the graphics are just downright rude. Sure, by the time the game came to the Xbox, it was already a year or two old. But goddammit, it's a PC game. Three years ago, graphic cards were almost as damn strong as the damn Xbox itself, and yet the game looks as bland and dreary as this? All the damn towns are monotonous in colour, and I think the hillsides are nothing more than a few original Gameboy shades of gray. The damn characters walking in the background have little to no animation, and when you do see them finally move, you can literally see the damn slowdown and lack of any semblance of frames... The sound is this game is mediocre at best. Sure, the soundtrack is epic - but wait, what soundtrack? There's like one friggin' song in the whole damn game, and the sound effects are no more sophisticated than a sword swinger on the Game Boy Advance. Even the plethora of recorded voices are useless, considering most of the game is spent reading up on massive amounts of useless character information... And the loading times? Don't get me started on the loading times! I had been told by Morrowind fans that this game had literally no loading times - that thanks to the hard drive, this game even made Metroid Prime feel clunky in nature... and yet as soon as I turned on the game, what did I find? Not only did I have to put up with excruciatingly annoying loading times from literally every single damn area that I stepped into, not only did I have to sit by my couch for five minutes straight every single time I tried to respawn after I died, but goddammit, it's just that even as I'm just walking in the middle of towns, I can literally see the damn game sputtering and spewing and painfully chugging along as its trying to goddam load on the fly from the hard drive. I mean, what the hell is that? Sure, I can hear Metroid Prime loading from the Gamecube, but does it ever slow down the game? Honestly... And I haven't even gotten to the damn bugs in this game! If only I got a nickel of my damn US money back every single time I got stuck in a wall, or saw a character clip all the way right through me, I would've already gotten my $15 back. But it even gets worse than that! The game has frozen on me six times already, and yet my save file is just 98 damn blocks large! I had heard of the damn 200 block bug, where the game refuses to load your savefile any longer, so I did the recommended thing and cleaned up all the dead bodies, and closed all the doors... And yet still, today when I was giving the game one last chance, it goddam froze right smackdab in the middle of just routine iitem gathering, and gave me a green warning message that my Morrowind disc was busted or some crap like that... And until that point, my Xbox had never completely crashed! It had as clean of a record as my goddam Gamecube, and yet Morrowind just had to give me the chills for the first time, that only Windows OE exceptions have ever given to me before... Quite frankly, I don't trust Morrowind any longer. And I don't think it likes me either...

I tried to give the game a chance, I really did! As a fan of Japanese RPGs, I was willing to broaden my horizons with Western broad swords... and I do like some of the freedom this game gave, as it truly is a game you can simply pick up and find your own course... Unfortunately, it took me so damn long to just find the Fighter's Guild and join in the first place, that I almost wished the game had been linear... And as for the mechanics of the freedom? Not only is the justice system in the cities completely messed up, when I was killed by a guard for just trying to sleep in someone's bed, but the characters all act like one-dimensional beings, responding to taunts as if they were robots, and attacking me even if I just accidentally steal a book rather than talk to the guy behind the counter (both are done by pressing A, and both of the two were two damn close together). And none of the characters are interesting to talk to. The only thing interesting, are the missions they give... and yet even most of those are as boring as real life, as most of the ones I've done so far have been nothing more than just search and gather crap rather than having anything to do with action... And the action itself? All I ever do is press the damn jump button and slash around with my useless longsword, using the occasional spell or adrenaline rush whenever I have to. I thought a first person RPG could be fun... instead, I find that it's so damn disorienting and so damn depressing, that I stay in third person mode and just let the damn bad guys kill me (as spinning around in FPS mode somehow makes me dizzy in this game, thanks to the horrid framerate and draw distances). I mean, at least dying is more fun than most of the rest of this damn game...

Morrowind truly is a game you either love or hate, and because of that, I will give it the benefit of the doubt. If it weren't so highly thought of, I would truly give it a failing mark, as it truly is perhaps the most boring game I have ever forced myself to play... But I will also admit, that I have given fifteen hours of work into it, not just out of desperation, but also because it is still so damn addicting to just keep mindlessly traveling between cities, learning new spells and running countless errands, deciding whether to be good, evil, or just plain blighted. There's always something to do in this game, and I will forever admire that, as it probably will keep me coming back to Morrowind whenever I've got nothing else to play... But as long as I do have something else to play? Then I pray to God, and I swear to you few no-name readers, that this game is simply and surely one of the worst games I have ever played in my life... while I can't stand the goddam preaching that Japanese RPGs enjoy bellowing out at the top of their tongues, at least I can figure out what to do in those games... at least those games have a point... And what is the point of Morrowind? Besides to be a first person, medieval version of the Sims, where you barely even get to stick the point of your sword into the pointless baddies, I simply don't know... all this game is, is a bunch of damn, dangling question marks..."

[c. visitors too bored to return...]
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