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I saw more than my fair share of movies when my friend came to visit the other week...

The thing is though, I was completely baffled by the fact that the amount of enjoyment that I got from each film was pretty much the opposite of what I originally imagined going into the theatre...

Talladega Nights looked great in the trailers, but just couldn't live up to the hype. Snakes on a Plane was great, but just could've been so much better if only I had seen it in a place packed with screaming fans at the motherfucking sight of motherfucking snakes on a motherfucking plane...

Oddly enough, there was one movie out of them all that was just so damn stupid and just so damn utterly predictable, that it actually turned out to be the damn most enjoyable of them all...

But truth be told, considering I was with my old high school friend at the time, I guess a bit of old skool, teen crap movie nostalgia (without being forced to endure that god-awful film, Old School) was just what the doctor ordered...

The film revolves around that goddam asshole from the Mac vs PC commercials, Justin Long, as his character of Bartleby Gaines doesn't make it into any of the colleges he applied to. He then goes off the deep end, buys out the lease on an old and abandoned mental institution, cleans it up in a hilariously brainless montage sequence, and somehow creates a university filled with the hottest damn chicks you can ever find on campus. What are the odds?...

I personally would've preferred a sequel to Galaxy Quest, but I guess I can accept this as well...

There were obviously other characters in the film besides him, but none of them really mattered. Hands (played by Columbus Short) looked to be a real playa in the film at first, only to be reduced to the role of the guy who gets wood in the end. Rory looked cute and adorable at times, but there's only so much you can take from the goddam Yale-wannabe turned New Age bitch, doing the goddam campus in-thing to do by going all zen and goddam Buddhist like my goddam obsession. Then there was this guy with ADD who conveniently finds his inner peace (and a cute girlfriend? WTF?), a reject rocker who somehow manages to entertain the crowd, and a whole host of other cliches that all predictably turn into one big happy ending...

Accepted is definitely one of those films where you know almost every single frickin' thing that will happen to the characters before the film even starts. But when it comes to that shit, the predictability of the teen comedy genre is definitely also one of those things that you just end up accepting in the end, as it's more about the experience of the journey getting you there than it is about the stuck-up details of the formula...

I think Justin Long said it best in that goddam Mac vs PC trial of his at the end, that you can get away with a hell of a lot of bullshit as long as you jazz it up with a bunch of clever punchlines. Pretty much everyone in the theatre would've rolled their eyes at the sight of the entire school behind him, all cheering Bartleby on when it came to his fucking college that just cheated twenty frickin' thousand bucks of tuition out of each of their pockets. Well, I would've rolled my eyeballs out of their sockets, if it wasn't for the fact that his speech actually was written and acted out really well...

Now, the students all experienced real learning at South Hampton Institute of Technology, right? But in the real world, will it actually help them get jobs? Who would trust this university on a resume? Aren't they just paying twenty frickin' thousand bucks a year just to get away from their parents and do whatever the fuck they want? Why the fuck can't they all just get into some shitty ass community college? WTF?...

Common sense would dictate that people don't like being cheated out of their goddam money, especially twenty fucking thousand dollars of it. But I guess common sense is SHIT, because of course, we still get the sappy ol' ending of everyone being happy at the end, with even Bartleby's parents cheering him on against The Man. And to be honest, even I was rooting the goddam Mac enthusiast on, if only because he really did seem to have a passion for all the bullshit he was spewing out of his mouth...

Seriously? Learning engineering principles from fucking building a skate board ramp? Do I learn electronic principles from just typing shit into my computer keyboard? Who writes this shit? WTF?...

But the guy's got balls. And he's got a hot bitch sucking them too. What's not to like?...

And as predictable of a film as Accepted was? There were just so many stupid ass laughs along the way, that how the fuck couldn't I find it to be my favourite damn comedy of the year to date?...

Poor Sherman Shrader. He was reduced to the poor fraternity cliche of sucking up big time just to get accepted by the guys wearing the blue blazers. I never suffered from that bullshit myself (considering I never tried to be popular in university), but you can't help but feel for the guy as he silently screamed his little girlish lungs out at never being able to fit in. Then again, you also can't help but laugh at the guy as he's dressing up as a sperm or demanding others to ask about his weiner. The stuff he was put through was just so heart-breakingly dumbass, that you almost do pull of a victory fist pump for the guy as he throws away his life to join the South Hampton Institute of Technology that he ironically created...

Monica was an air-head of a bitch, but hot damn was she a hot one. It's rare these days for the lead actress in a teen film to actually be more smokin' hot than any other bitch in the background, but Blake Lively pulled it off with style and I for one definitely approve. She was a complete, clueless dunce in never noticing the nice guy until he ironically made it rich by forming his own goddam university. It was cliche as hell that she would find college boring, and instead take up photography by fucking paying 20 grand to the guy she's sleeping with (what a whore). The complete 180 she pulled in personality after leaving the rich campus was almost ridiculously extreme. But still, did I mention she was hot? Hot damn, I think you need to know she was HAWT, and isn't all that matters?...

The funniest damn character in the film was definitely Glen. Seeing an ugly bastard like him be the cocktease of every whore's fantasy gives new hope to a loser like me, except for the fact that university has already come and gone for me without any bitch making me come. Still, who here didn't actually enjoy his transformation from gas station loser to the king bitch chef in the kitchen? From the moment he zapped himself insane in the chair (or lack thereof), he became the real star of the show. You know it's a party when you've got Glen wasted on a raft with three other girls. You know you wanna be Glen...

But the vast majority of the film belonged to Bartleby. And I don't know what it was with his performance or whatnot, but I don't think there was a single moment in the film where I didn't have a smile on my face thanks to this guy. Whether he was stealing a blazer jacket from a jock, having his room walls busted in by neighbors or wrestling with Sherman over insurance policies, Justin Long proved that he really does deserve a teen angst movie of his own. Sure, most of the film was just pure cheese, with him wooing Monica over with goddam hand-clapping lights and wet T-shirt parties (and hopefully wet panties as well, but that goes without saying...). But goddammit, the mood and atmosphere still just all worked somehow, as Accepted never took itself seriously, and Bartleby just enjoyed the fuck out of being the man on top...

Now, would I want to go to the South Hampton Institute of Technology, where you can pick your classes and do whatever the fuck you want to do?...

... considering I still would have went the boring route and picked goddam computer engineering as my goddam major...

But with characters like Uncle Ben's Rice there, telling it like it is with the working world being the shaft that fucks you up the ass? I probably did learn more just from watching the morons at South Hampton learn their own bullshit, than I ever actually absorbed from my own goddam university career...

I mean, I skipped four and a half fucking years of university, yet I sat through more lectures in Accepted than I ever did in school?...

Now, I don't understand why that bullshit school was allowed to continue, when basically it was a college where no formal education takes place and thus there was no real fucking need to actually pay Bartleby twenty fucking grand of money just to be there. I mean seriously, at the end, his parents were wishing him luck at learning during a semester at a school that he fucking created and runs? Unless they want him to become a conniving, conning businessman, what the fuck do they expect him to learn?...

But that's just the thing. Accepted is just so damn dumb and so damn ludicrous at times, that it actually became borderline genius...

Out of all movies I've seen this year, by far Accepted was the most enjoyable...

And since yes, I was a student of the stuck-up universe of rich man's universities and shit like that?...

Y2kk Update: - Stargate Atlantis: The Real World and Stargate Atlantis: Common Ground Reviews (Spoilers...) -

How the fuck could an episode this damn shitty ever be allowed to follow up on Stargate SG-1's 200th episode of all time? This episode may have had a few redeeming moments, but it was pretty much overall just as bad as the goddam reality show of the same goddam name...

Now, as the noname wannabe psychologist over here, I normally have a soft spot in my heart for Sci-Fi episodes such as this, where reality is called into question and the whole series is portrayed as a hallucination. I absolutely loved when it was done on Buffy the Vampire Slayer during Normal Again, and I certainly do respect what the writers did with all the episodes where Captain Sisko found himself in a mental institution outside of Deep Space 9...

It's just that, none of those episodes concentrated on goddam bloody hell Dr. Weir of all people...

Sure, we got the unbridled benefit of seeing her in pajamas and hospital clothing practically the whole way through, two of my own personal fetishes, thank you very much. But really, were we supposed to be impressed with Torri's acting chops or some shit like that? I suppose she did a decent job of seeming dazed and confused as hell when she first met Jack O'Neill in the asylum, but that's pretty much the only good thing I can say about her performance...

And why the fuck did the writers choose to waste a special guest appearance by Richard Dean Anderson? Instead of bringing him onboard in Uninvited or properly using his presence in SG-1's 200, the writers got him to play a complete boring and foobar version of himself in The Real World instead? Except for a few brief Jackism moments where he fantasized about being fantasized about, did the man even get any decent goddam lines? I know the actor was already on the Stargate set and all, but why bother reducing the greatest character that Stargate has ever known, to simply pretending to be the real O'Neill while conning Dr. Weir into some goddam waste of an old skool treaty negotiation?...

And it's not like any of the other characters on the Atlantis set really got anything to do. Dr. McKay had his brief moment to shine by stealing one from Dr. Beckett, and at least the Scottsman provided the best (and only) decent scene of the episode by blasting away at those little nanite buggers with EMP. But besides those rare glimpses of actual humour and levity in the episode, what the fuck was there to go by? Ronon was a statue on the backdrop of the wall, Sheppard was a complete moron by sacrificing himself just in the faint hope that Dr. Weir could actually hear him bitch, and Teyla of course was ghastly concerned over the welfare of the one and only bitch in the city that actually fucks her and promotes her on a nightly basis...

Nobody on the cast got a real chance to act. Instead, this was the Dr. Weir goddam reality show. And goddammit, did we ever learn that either the writers just plain suck at writing for her character? Or that Torri Higginson really was brought on much more for her bust than her brains...

How many bullshots did we get of her just running through overly bullish and bluish corridors, as if that was all supposed to be thrilling? We were forced to endure God knows how many worthless sessions of that psychologist guy putting his own Spin on the City of Atlantis, when we damn well knew that nothing we were seeing was real. At least in Buffy's Normal Again (and arguably in Deep Space 9 as well), we were left with questions about what really was real in the end, whether the series was not just entirely a figment in the character's minds but also in our own as well. But what threat was there to really give a shit about in The Real World, except for the fear that this was indeed the bullshit that the writers actually give a damn about?...

Did we even get to really learn anything about Weir, except that she has a busted watch and some worthless mother she abandoned long ago? Did we really get anything else out of both the actress and the character, other that they just mutually both suck each other's asses?...

While I wish I could give two thumbs up and two major general stars to any episode with Jack O'Neill in it, I just couldn't even give a shit about him phoning in yet another performance in yet another episode that really doesn't matter one damn bit in the grand scheme of things...

Because in the real world? In the real world, this episode would've never made it past the scripting stages...

... let alone be allowed to follow up on Stargate SG-1's 200th episode of all bloody hell time...

After the debacle that can only be known as The Real World, I was absolutely shocked and floored that I could ever find common ground with the Atlantis writers ever again...

And yet here we are, with not only a great Stargate Atlantis episode on our hands this week, but also one of the most morally satisfying stories that I think I've ever experienced in a Sci-Fi show since Star Trek last left the air...

If anything? Common Ground was more about the real world around us than almost any other Atlantis episode before it. There are just so many direct parallels to real world events, of terrorism and having to ally with former enemies, and of proving just once more that we never leave our men behind. Hell, if only it was Jack Bauer (aka God) kicking the ass of the Genii here in this episode, I would've sworn I was watching an hour of bloody hell 24...

Didn't it just seem all too familiar, watching cheap ass analog signals from a small faction of an alien nation, as some terrorist from their former government tortures one of our people until his demands are made? The thing is, the parallels to real life didn't feel forced or out of place or any of that bullshit, but rather actually fit in perfectly with what we know of the Genii and especially what we knew about the Wraith. It was great seeing Commander Kolya back, and he was truly a more ruthless enemy here than he ever was before. Sure, almost all of his lines to Dr. Weir were straight out of the Russian dummies guide to terrorism or some crap like that, but it was still amazing and perhaps even genuinely threatening to see him go through with the whole Wraith thing, sucking the life out of poor John Sheppard...

And I was honestly shocked that Dr. Weir didn't cave in to Kolya's demands. I may hate the Weir character for almost every single stupid ass decision she makes for the expedition team, but I can honestly say that I can't disagree with her decision here. Sure, she mentioned that the official policy of the United States is to never bow down to terrorist demands, but I never actually expected her out of all whiny bitches to actually adhere to such a policy. I really kinda expected her to fold in some way, perhaps try to pull out of her ass some sort of cheap lame ass delaying tactic using Ladon as bait. But instead, she did what any real natural born leader would do, and that's to do everything in her goddam power to get her man back without ever once getting down on her knees...

... which is normally what she does with every fucking man and woman on the base, but I digress...

And yes, I definitely think it shows that Dr. Weir is normally the fucking village bicycle around those parts, when Teyla's only real contribution to this episode was patting Weir on the back when it came to her decision of letting Ladon go. Then again, Teyla wasn't the only character who failed to have a fair chance to shine in Common Ground, as Dr. Beckett was merely there in the Puddle Jumper for the ride, and Ronon barely got to repay the favour to Sheppard for when he was captured by the Wraith in Sateda...

I always love Dr. McKay, and he really always brings the best of humour out of the series. I loved how he was complaining to Teyla that he was already running at his top speed during the teaser of the episode, and the Sheppardism speech he gave to the Marines was heart-warming and definitely reassuring, to say the least. I just wish that the writers would be a bit more consistent in his so-called heroism though, since it kind of stuck out like a soar thumb how he got freaked out by a bloody hell mouse here in Common Ground, even after all the times he's stared down the Wraith at the barrel of a gun. I probably did chuckle at that moment of Mice and McKay, but it just didn't seem like it fit in with his current character anymore, you know?...

I still remember how much I loved Rodney way back in the first season, when his love for the nuclear bomb and the Canadian Science Fair made Underground into one of the most well written episodes of the entire series at the time. The Genii started out as boring villains to me, but Kolya proved without a shadow of a doubt in The Eye that he was a ruthless son of a bitch, and Ladon in Coup D'Etat last year showed that the writers really do bring out the best in each other when writing for the conniving Genii group. The same goes for Common Ground here, as even though Ladon was mainly just a background prop? I was still fascinated by not just his honesty towards the Atlantis team about his betrayal of Kolya, but also how much loyalty he repaid Dr. Weir with by giving the coordinates to the planet that Sheppard was being held on...

Common Ground was all about loyalty, whether it was Ladon to his alliance or Dr. Weir to her principles. But absolutely what made this episode into the best standalone hour in either Stargate series this year so far, was the fact that not only did we get to learn the true nature of Colonel John Sheppard, but also that of the Wraith as well...

This was perhaps Joe Flannigan's best damn acting performance in the history of the show. This was his episode to shine, and did he ever prove without a shadow of a doubt that he is no longer in Jack O'Neill's shadow. He took it blow by blow from both Kolya and the Wraith, yet he never gave up hope or the drive to escape. He showed clear level-headedness, allying himself with his enemy, and even got to flip a Genii soldier flat on his back as a fucking old man. John Sheppard may be no Jack Bauer, but I'd be hard pressed to find a fucking 60 year old who could fucking take out an entire Genii battalion like he could...

Sheppard wasn't just a supreme badass in Common Ground, but rather his old charming self with a hell of a lot more common sense than if he were normal again. We may not have gotten any direct references to his time in Afghanistan, how he refused to leave anyone behind, but you could tell from just the way he presented himself in the entirety of this episode as to exactly what kind of real man he is. No matter how much pain he was in, no matter how old and frail his bones may have become, he still had the fire in him to basically spit in the face of the Wraith and dare him to "finish it". Even when faced with insurmountable odds, he still chose to crack jokes about Kolya liking him best, and was absolutely the man on the show yet again when it to came to comic relief in the most desperate of situations...

And as for the Wraith? For once, Sheppard didn't name a Wraith, simply because this one actually deserved his respect. The Wraith as a species of an enemy has always been sissy on the show in the past, seemingly going down from just a mere bullet grazing their skin or two, but what always bothered me the most about them was that their characters were so damn two dimensional. They hissed, they cried, and they fed, but that was about it. They were space vampires, plain and simple, but without any of the history or backstory that makes the vampire stories of this day and age into anything damn worth getting into...

Things completely changed with the noname Wraith though. He was willing to put aside his hunger, to bite his tongue from the sensation of burning within, to do what was needed to escape with Sheppard. Here we had a Wraith, that not only respected the Colonel as a "brother", but also was damn smart enough to somehow grasp the concepts of comic relief and levity. We had an actual three dimensional villain here, who not only was willing to risk his life just to see the stars as a free creature once again, but was even willing to give Sheppard the "Gift of Life" without ever truly believing that we humans would honour our side of the bargain. It almost reminded me all of a classic Star Trek sort of episode, in a Kirk and Gorn sort of romantic way...

So many times in the history of Stargate Atlantis the expedition crew has screwed over everyone around them, spinning shit around just in the hope that the goddam City of the Ancients would remain untouched. Hell, you don't even have to look any further than with Michael this year for an example, as Dr. Weir screwed him over not just once but fucking twice, even after he willingly gave himself over and betrayed his Queen. WTF?...

In Common Ground, the writers finally found some common ground with all of us viewers out there, who were screaming at our television sets for our protagonists to finally have some actual honesty, dignity and common bloody hell sense. And here in this episode, we finally saw our characters as the noble heroes that they should be, giving us an actual reason to like them for once. Dr. Weir refused to give Ladon over to Kolya against his will, Sheppard's team refused to give up any hope that they wouldn't find him, and who here would've actually thunk a year ago that John Sheppard and a Wraith being buddy-buddy would turn into one of the best damn standalone episodes of Atlantis of all time?...

In the real world, this would've been the proper episode to follow up the 200th episode of Stargate SG-1...

Because for a series where I've been a fucking loyal watcher for ten years in a row and counting?...

The only question is, will I still feel this way for the Atlantis episodes of rest of the season?...

Because starting the week after, the moment that the writers and I meet again?...

Y2kk Update: - Stargate SG-1: 200 and Stargate SG-1: Counterstrike Reviews (Spoilers...) -

Long ago, back when the first Wormhole Xtreme episode was first airing? I actually made a wish to The Powers That Be, or the Lords of Kobol, or whoever the fuck was running the show at the time...

I actually made a promise, that if only Stargate SG-1 could make it to 200 episodes? Then the show could be canceled, that the show will be canceled, and that I would be alright with it. That I would be satisfied with 200...

Because yes, Stargate SG-1 has been canceled, officially this time. Sure, in the past, the show has been written off as many times as Daniel Jackson has died, but there's just something different about it this time. There's just something more final about it all, a gut feeling that just tells me that this is it. This is it for Stargate SG-1, and this is probably the last year where we'll ever be able to watch the show that I've loved for ten friggin' goddam years in a row (except for seasons five and eight, which both sucked Landry balls)...

It was a bittersweet moment, I'm sure. To be able to enjoy the episode 200, Jack O'Neill cake and all, only to know in the back of the mind that there will be no more episodes of one of my favourite Sci-Fi series of all time come next spring. But as a thank-you to the fans, and perhaps as a farewell as well? I really did love 200 as an episode, more than I ever really thought after realizing it was a spiritual (and official) sequel to the 100th episode of the series, Wormhole Xtreme...

The episode of 200 sort of exists outside of the real SG-1 continuum in a wacky sort of way, which is why it was so damn ridiculous last week reading all the serious discussions going around the net, as to how Walter could've changed into his gear in a split second if it wasn't another dream sequence we were watching. I mean seriously, WTF? Can't the fans just enjoy a thank you note when they get one?...

Perhaps as a whole of an episode, 200 won't go down as one of the greatest in the history or the legacy of the series. But it definitely was one of the most hilarious episodes they've done in years, and definitely proves that there actually is a real way to write a "Valentine" for the fans...

There were definitely down moments, especially the ending where all the in-jokes about the foul-mouthed crew on set went on way too long. And as much as I loved Team America SG-1 with the Thunderbird puppets, those scenes were stretched to the limit as well, to the point where only really Daniel's parody of the original film had me in stitches on the floor in laughter (as really, it was ridiculous how the morons in the original film didn't ever bother to try the 7th chevron that almost looked identical to the one on the inscription, and were also too damn lazy to just try all 36 symbols on the goddam "ring in the sand" and see which one works...)...

But 200 just had so many amazing scenes and so many fond memories of the past, that I don't think it'd even be right for me to break up this review into each individual character, but rather by every single fucking moment that truly gave me a smile...

Right off the bat, we got the "death and return" of the Furlings, and goddammit were they awesome. The interviews with the writers said it best, that the name of "Furlings" was ridiculous and stupid for an advanced alien race, and that's exactly what we got. We got midgets in bargain basement, furry Ewok suits that were probably designed for kids on Halloween. Then we got season one or two Carter and Teal'c looking like idiots while watching the sky and witnessing that for the umpteenth time, they've led the Goa'uld straight to a potential ally. And then what? The entire planet fucking explodes as if it were goddam, frickin' Alderaan? How the fuck can't I love that opening sequence? It was jam packed with fucking genius plum pudding...

I loved how 200 paid homage to so many different Sci-Fi series along the way, starting off with the Furlings from Star Wars of course. Now, I didn't really get the Farscape references (since I never watched the series except for a few short clips before), but I laughed my ass off at the Star Trek moment. I mean seriously, how many times have we heard fucking Captain Picard or even fucking Janeway try to reverse the polarity on some random spatial anomaly? And the quantum singularity (black hole) was about to explode? Wasn't that ridiculous bullshit from some Voyager episode? The only thing missing from that spectacular sequence was Robert Picardo against the Borg, and fucking Dr. Beckett (or Ernest Littlefoot) as Scotty in fucking engineering...

And you know what's sad? I didn't even notice that "weapons at maximum" line being out of place or sounding ridiculous, until Daniel Jackson actually pointed it out. Because I guess it's true; we trekkies really do love our weapons at maximum. Who would've thunk?...

My favourite damn moment in the entire episode though, was strangely enough when the SG-1 actors were replaced by "younger, edgier" versions of themselves. Because yo dawg, that was tight...

I loved all the emo teen angst. I loved Sam and Cam getting it on (I've always found them to be a more natural couple than Carter and O'Neill), I loved Teal'c not giving a damn about the Goa'uld as long as she was hot (can you blame him?), and how the fuck can't I love the hot tamale replacement for Vala there with the goddam fake accent?...

Too bad, bitch. You're hot. I'd tap that ass sideways all the way back to goddam grade school...

Of course, while I wasn't a real fan of this, the writers also had to throw the 'shippers a bone with the whole wedding sequence between Carter and O'Neill. While I didn't care for it much myself, how the fuck can't I keep the chuckles in, when the writers threw the 'slashers a bone too by having Jack and Daniel together in tuxedos, standing side by side at a wedding? WTF?...

The Team America moment, while a bit too long, was still simply pure genius in the end. The return of General Hammond there was a bit odd (considering it was General West commanding the "orifice" back in the movie), but how the fuck can't I love puppets going to other worlds, no strings attached? Who here didn't ball out laughing at the puppet Daniel Jackson first fucking up his "six coordinates in space" diagram on the big white board, then totally scribbling gibberish all over the SGC command screen?...

The beauty of 200 was that not only was every comedic sequence a fucking riot of a laugh, but literally every character in the series got a moment to shine, pretty much both past and present. I mean, you just knew that 200 was truly not just a thank-you to the fans but also to the actors and cast and crew, when not only did Sergeant Siler get his ass kicked as a zombie, not only did Walter finally got to go through the goddam Stargate, and not only did Landry get to suck the usual goddam balls, but that General Hammond even got to finally mock Daniel Jackson for coming up with massively unorthodox theories in regards to merely, "we found the ring... in the sand..."...

Poor Cameron Mitchell. First his brilliant zombie opening to the Wormhole Xtreme film was shot down, but then he was left clueless as hell as to Jack O'Neill being his daddy? The poor guy was punk'd, plain and simple, as he didn't even get to star in General O'Neill's little perfect ending to the story of no fucking fish in the pond (which I'm still pissed about from Moebius, thank you very much...)...

Did Daniel ever really get the chance to put his ideas forward either? It's great he called out the writers on the whole over-convenient, hanging lantern of a beam-out cliche thing, but where were his brilliant ideas? He called Star Trek ridiculous, which I therefore must kill the character (again) for. The poor guy really has lost his imagination throughout the course of the past ten years of his life, as really, wasn't it really only him that was dreaming of having a younger, edgier version of himself while getting that adorable little replacement for Vala pregnant? Then again, hell, can you really blame the guy? That bitch of an object was hawt...

Vala was great with her obsession with canceled television shows (or movies). First, she conjures up a ridiculous tale of General Landry as the Wizard of Oz, then tries to go all out with Gilligan's Island, and then mindfucks me over with her obscure references to Farscape? But even in the real world, I loved just how into the whole movie script thing Vala was all the time. She was the only one who really didn't object to the ideals and acts in the film, and she was just plain goddam adorable when helping Carter and Daniel put one over on Mitchell when it came to Jack getting it on in 1969...

Teal'c PI was definitely a show I'd watch, if it were still the 60's at least. Even so, it was great that the writers got the original Shaft back to do the voice for that one sequence alone, and you gotta love all those pissed off gazes that Teal'c kept giving to poor old Marty throughout the entire damn episode. The only thing missing for everyone's favourite Jaffa, was a vibrating mattress and a hat that reads "Murray". And maybe some more Tok'ra and Goa'uld ass to tap along the way, all night long, dawg...

Poor Carter meanwhile got the entire SGC blown up. It was about time she fucked up too, since I'm always a fan of huge ass explosions for really no apparent reason whatsoever. I forget what else she did in the episode, except maybe mock Mitchell and wish for more SG-1 puppet time, and point out that Wormhole Xtreme did as badly as fucking Firefly in goddam television ratings (though it allegedly did well on DVD...). Of course, the 'shippers on the net will always remember that little glance she gave to O'Neill after the whole wedding sequence was brought up, mind you...

And yes, it was about due time that General Jack O'Neill showed up once again for the series he starred in the first place. Richard Dean Anderson certainly could've been used more in SG-1 than he was (rather than be wasted on Atlantis in The Real World), but it was still just a wonderful sigh of relief to finally see him back, if only for a quarter of 200 (which would be... 50...). I laughed my ass off at how ridiculous it was for the cast to actually get RDA to return, just to wear a goddam green suit and pretend to be invisible with a goddam dog at the truck wheel. And seeing him together once again with the original SG-1 team, as they all went through the gate one last time?...

Is that the perfect ending to the series then? Just the sight of SG-1 all together again, as a team of explorers, passing through the gate? Will the perfect ending be fishing, or poker, or even the sight of Daniel just dying for the umpteenth time on the show?...

I guess it's up to the writers to now decide. Because if they leave us hanging with a goddam cliffhanger, I'm personally going to go over to their SG-1 set, and beat the living hell out of General Landry... for really no reason, but for the fact that Landry sucks balls...

Stargate SG-1, after ten long glorious years of being one of the best Sci-Fi television series ever made, has finally been canceled...

100 episodes ago, I made a promise. That I would be satisfied and content with 200...

And while that's definitely true of the aptly named episode of "200" itself?... well?...

And while I did make the promise long ago, that I would take the cancellation like a man and simply cry my balls out in pitiful solitude? Well, who's with me anyhew in marching straight down to the Sci-Fi channel headquarters and launching against those fiends a little counterstrike of our own?...

... well, considering they both canceled SG-1 and have chosen to change their name to "SpunkTV", I guess the execs at the channel have already lost all their brains to fucking Cameron Mitchell zombies, but whatever...

I mentioned in my review for 200 that even if SG-1 has been canceled, that at least it was going out with a bang. Season 9 was great (well, the first half of it at least), and season ten is already shaping up to be even better. If SG-1 has to go down, it's definitely going down fighting, and that's exactly what I love about this whole arc of the Ori...

Counterstrike wasn't a great episode, but it's definitely another worthy addition to the final season of the series. The Ori weren't even mentioned in 200, but they're back with a vengeance and perhaps even a vendetta in this week's episode, if only because poor Adria the Orici seems to have daddy issues when it comes to Daniel Jackson getting it on with her mother...

Inara from Firefly made her first appearance in the opening teaser as the human incarnation of the Ori, and she really did seem stale and wooden as an actress. The thing is though, while I already knew all that from Firefly (where she sucked balls, literally... I'll be in my bunk, by the way...), she actually kind of grew on me here in Counterstrike. Whenever she tried to act serious and traditionally menacing, she was a complete waste of time. But whenever she was with Vala, walking the fine line between being a total bitch of a villainess and being an innocent child just looking for approval from her mother, she had this eerie kind of creepy innocence to her, the kind of which truly did make her into already a much more intriguing enemy than Anubis, Sokar, or possibly even Apophis ever were...

Counterstrike started out a bit slow for my tastes, with a first half mostly devoid of humour and generic screen shots of Ori hallways and control chairs. But the moment that the lights started to flicker, it's like the engines of the episode began to rev up or something. As soon as Adria stepped into the fold as the evil Jedi bitch that she was, the show really started to pick up. I loved almost every scene of her trying to please her mother, yet being so damn ruthless as to awake a dead Jaffa from slumber only to torture and snap his neck once more. Sometimes her omnipotence didn't make sense (she could detect and stop the C4 charges from exploding, yet didn't notice Carter taking down the Ori ship's shields?), but I just loved the way she owned the entire SG-1 team as if they didn't even matter to her...

Sure, I know that it probably means something else than this. But considering Jackson is the apple of her mother's eye, was anyone else thinking of a fucking menage a trois, Elektra complex style, when it came to Vala, Adria and Daniel all in the same bed?...

Anyhew, just like this week's episode of Atlantis really developed the Wraith, I really did think there was a lot of development for the Ori here in Counterstrike. We learned that they're not invulnerable to Ancient weapons (although we never did get conclusive proof if the Dakara weapon can penetrate through Ori ship shields), we learned that they're not omnipotent (otherwise Adria wouldn't known about the weapon on Dakara in the first place), and we now do know that Adria is probably the weakest link of the bunch. She's protected by a pendant really and nothing more, and that's gotta mean something...

Wouldn't it be ironic if that jewel (staite) around her neck, happened to be Merlin's weapon against the Ori?...

I can't say that every character truly got to shine in Counterstrike, but at least everyone got a moment in or two. Walter got to make his return from zombie brains and America's Got Talent quick changes, and even Landry (as much as he sucked balls for the whole of the episode) even got to make me laugh with his goddam Dr. Phil quotation. What are the odds?...

Mitchell was great in his quotations of General Landry, as the timing of the whole Dr. Phil thing later on was simply perfect. Cameron also did his best Jack O'Neill impression (to go along with his Captain Kirk one in 200), by trying to think of something profound and noble to say before blowing up the enemy ship he was on. Besides that, he got his ass kicked by Jaffa. You'd think his Sodan training would kick in or something, and he would do some ridiculous roundhouse knee lift or some crap like that. Instead, he took a backseat to Teal'c for the whole of the episode for once, although Teal'c himself was far more subdued than I ever originally would've thought...

Why didn't everyone's favourite Jaffa warrior even speak up much against his brothers? Sure, he did mention ever so stoically on the command deck of the Odyssey that there was no honour in the genocide of innocents, and he did have a heart to heart moment with Bra'tac at the end of the show. But when it came to trying to talk some sense into the Jaffa who had invaded the empty Ori ship, Teal'c kept his mouth shut. Why is it that even for episodes dealing with Jaffa these days, Christopher Judge still gets no lines? Is it because he's pissed at Mitchell for killing that hot Goa'uld in 200? Is Teal'c not getting laid enough? WTF?...

Meanwhile, Vala finally found her true purpose on the team, as I even got a few genuine laughs at her attempts at convincing her daughter that she was too young to have her own army. Understandably, I normally get a hell of a lot more enjoyment out of Claudia Black's character than just a snicker or two, but I was really damn impressed with how seriously she took her role in Counterstrike this time around. The moment where she bonds with Daniel over the death of Sha're really felt natural, as you really (sadly) can feel a connection between the both of them there, romantic or not. And Vala at the end, how the hell can't you feel a little sad for the formerly peppy pigtail girl, at the sight of her giving solemn, Soloman words of wisdom to fucking Bra'tac or all Jedi masters? WTF?...

And poor Danny boy, always the fucking whipping boy of the series. I'm guessing he now misses the Goa'uld hand devices of the past, because he sure as hell looked the part when Adria was trying to probe his mind. He played the background fiddle to Vala most of the episode, simply adding in a few words of wisdom here and there while trying to con Adria into letting them go, but I really did appreciate the depth and complexity and fortitude that his character still managed to show. Of course, Adria seems to have found a new plaything in Daniel, and I'm sure her haunting words will come back to bite Daniel in the ass in the future, if Inara herself doesn't do so first...

Carter was just her technobabble self. Nice to know that a Dell computer can apparently interface with any advanced computer in the known universe (although I think Atlantis has already proven this without a shadow of a doubt). She had lots of little scenes of her making little pouty looks on her face when it came to being stumped with the Ori ship's technology, and she got to kick ass with a fucking Prior cane for God knows what reason. In the end, she did her part in somehow getting the shields of the ship down. But couldn't she have at least set a little self destruct sequence as well? Just a thought...

If there was one major flaw in Counterstrike that prevents it from getting my episode of the week, it was simply because that even after 200 pointed out how utterly convenient it was, we still had SG-1 beamed off of the Ori ship at the very last second to escape certain death. Couldn't they have at least ripped off a better cliche, like stealing fighters from the hangar bays like they did back in season two? And what the fuck was wrong with Colonel Emerson? I know he's a pure dumbass, but even with the Ori shields down, he still didn't even bother to try to spam the enemy ship with spreads of missiles or beam a couple dozen nukes onboard with anti-prior devices or some crap like that? WTF?...

Counterstrike was an episode with serious repercussions in the end though, which is one of the reasons why I truly did enjoy it in terms of the Ori arc. My heart sank when I first heard that Langara had fallen to the Ori, if only because I know that the writers hate the actor so damn much that fucking Jonas is probably now dead in a puddle of his own Team America piss. Of course, then my spirits shot right back up upon hearing that the advanced Serrakin world of Hebridan was also taken over, as thank the Ori gods or the Lords of Kobol or whoever for the fact we'll never have to be put through another shitasstic episode like Space Race all over again...

And poor ol' Dakara, destroyed at last. It was dumbass for the Jaffa to piss off the Ori like they did with the weapon (although it was somewhat expected, considering how desperate they've become), and it was even more dumbass for the Jaffa to put a weak loser like Set'ak into power. Counterstrike didn't make the Jaffa look very bright in the end, especially when their leadership started accusing earth of blowing up three Hat'ak vessels with the push of a button. But you gotta feel bad for the former bad guys still, one moment believing that they were the main power in the galaxy, and the next not even having a home anymore...

With Dakara, Chulak and Hebridan all gone, Earth (with perhaps the exception of the Nox) is now truly the sole remaining stronghold and the last bastion of hope for the Milky Way Galaxy. I can almost imagine a Stargate SG-1 series finale here and now, with the Asgard and Jaffa all sacrificing their lives and ships to protect our planet, and Daniel dying for the umpteenth time to buy us time, until we somehow manage to get the Ancient weapons platform in Antarctica to blow a hole right through the Ori fleet. Let's just hope that for the sake of Martin Lloyd's 200th episode of Wormhole Xtreme, that the earth doesn't get blown up just like Alderaan and everyone's precious Furlings did, shall we?...

Back in season one, I once said that if we ever got to see both Cheyenne Mountain and the Dakara weapon blow up in two straight consecutive episodes? That then and only then, could Stargate SG-1 ever finally be canceled, and that I'd be satisfied and alright with it...

But goddammit, I lied. I was trying to get laid, goddammit. I didn't actually think they'd do it...

But with episodes like 200, Counterstrike, and pretty much the entire 10th season of the show so far?...

The SG-1 writers, cast and crew, are all proving without a shadow of a doubt, that if they're going down?...

It's like spaghetti and motherfucking meatballs. The perfect motherfucking match...

... absolutely the best fucking idea evar, since motherfucking snakes and motherfucking planes were invented by man...

The internet hype for Snakes on a Plane was simply enormous. Hell, thanks to the mere facts that the title was "Snakes on a Plane" and that the film starred motherfucking Samuel L. Jackson on a motherfucking plane, I myself (as a true internet nerd) hath been hyped to hell to see this movie for the past three fucking months of my life, if not longer...

It's just such a shame that the word of mouth for the film just couldn't save it from a mediocre box office return. But suffice to say, I really do think that no matter how corny or cool you may think the title of the film may be? It's definitely one of the best B-rated shock and awe films I've seen in years, and definitely will be a big hit either through DVD sales or at least through the motherfucking torrents on the motherfucking net...

How the fuck can you possibly harp on a film that calls itself "Snakes on a Plane"? Since when can we ever damn say that a film delivered exactly what it promised?...

And truth be told, it did. It delivered exactly that which the title foretold like a goddam Oracle. Sure, it may have taken almost half of the movie for the first motherfucking snake to bite some poor bitch's boobs or suck on some goddam man's cock, but the end result was well worth the wait...

What's the plot of the film? As Samuel L. Motherfucking Jackson might say, there is no plot. Why should there be? We're talking about Snakes on a Motherfucking Plane here, not some goddam Academy Award winning Grammy novel or some crap like that. Though truth be told, this film definitely does deserve the award for Best Movie Evar, if only because it takes itself too seriously without ever actually believing in its own shit...

The only reason to go to see Snakes on a Plane, is literally to see snakes on a plane. They're released from captivity, after some generic Chinese bad guy somehow managed to sneak them all in, just to take down the plane and kill one stupid witness to a crime. And then the snakes (all with perfect 20/20 evil green vision, might I add) lay havoc and let slip the dogs of war on the cast and crew, in an almost Shakespearean twisted tale of tragic loss and personal redemption...

Do we even need to talk about the rest of the cast here? There's a generic business asshole who gets swallowed by a boa constrictor, there's a newlywed couple who both start foaming at the mouth from a bunch of cobra bites, there's a spoiled little bitch that loses her handbag dog to the House of Slitheren, and then there's some fat ass black guys who ironically never end up dying. Instead, they actually end up saving the day with their motherfucking Sony PSPs and their motherfucking PS2 flight simulator skills...

First of all, I don't know of any decent flight simulator games for the motherfucking Sony PS2. What the fuck kind of unrealistic movie is this?...

And second, ain't the black brothers always the first to die? What the fuck kind of motherfucking movie is this?...

Well, I guess Samuel L. Jackson sure as hell had his say then. Especially considering that out of the 35 million budget for this film, Samuel L. was the one who took up over 30 million of that shit...

But how the fuck could he ever turn down an offer, to be in a motherfucking film about motherfucking snakes on a motherfucking plane?

He jumped at the opportunity. Wouldn't you? We're talking about motherfucking snakes on a motherfucking plane here...

He truly was a badass motherfucking in the film. He zapped snakes with tasers, he crushed them with axes, he fried them with blow-torches, and he blew them the fuck out of windows. Hell, the first thing my brother asked me after I told him I saw Snakes on a Plane, was whether Samuel L. Jackson ever got to shoot the goddam snakes with his badass mofo, motherfucking gun? And of course he did. What the fuck kind of film would it have been if he hadn't? Not Motherfucking Snakes on a Motherfucking Plane, that's for sure...

I am a bit disappointed though, that Samuel L. just didn't have enough of those classic kinds of lines you'd expect from a Samuel L. authentic asskicking movie. I mean, sure he had a couple of decent one liners here and there, as obviously I think everyone by now has heard it all enough, to be motherfucking sick and motherfucking tired of motherfucking snakes on a motherfucking plane. But still, even so, I for one sure as hell could've used more of his badass cliches though, as really that one line of his alone will probably be the only one to truly be quoted and broadcast across the globe until the end of time through cheapss radio shows and Shakespearean soliloquies...

Obviously, Snakes on a Plane is not the greatest film of the ages. But sincerely, we're talking about motherfucking snakes on a motherfucking plane here. You get exactly what the title of the film promises, and that is motherfucking Samuel L. Jackson whooping the candy asses of motherfucking snakes on a motherfucking plane...

If that's not enough to cause certain anatomy parts of your body to rise and hiss like a serpent? Then I guess, you just don't get it...

Y2kk Update: - Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby Theatrical Review (Spoilers...) -

Now, I really wanted to love this movie, I really did. Hell, after Anchorman pleasantly shocked the hell out of me last year with the sheer raw quality and fury of its goddam bear fight, I had hyped the whole cougar thing in Talladega Nights to literally epic proportions...

The thing is though, while the film definitely did have its moments? Talladega Nights simply did not deliver on all my hopes and dreams. It just wasn't the Will Farrell classic that I think we had all hoped it would be...

To be honest, while I definitely did wear a smile on my face throughout the whole of the Ballad of Ricky Bobby, there were just so few moments where I actually laughed. Hell, I can name pretty much all of them for you now, as they pretty much entirely consist of the single montage of moments where Ricky is refinding his zest for being a Nascar racing driver after his little incident with Girard...

The cougar moment was decent, although the trailer did kind of spoil it. But I certainly laughed my balls off at Ricky Bobby ramming a police officer with a parked truck (sigh... reminds me of my own driving skills), and I certainly still did get a kick out of the poor man trying to feel the road like the force while driving goddam blind-folded. It takes a true master of the martial driving arts to master such abilities, and suffice to say, Ricky Bobby was no better at that shit than I was...

Absolutely the funniest damn moment in the entire film was the knife in the leg in the hospital. Sure, it was spoiled to hell in the movie trailers, but I suppose I truly am trailer park trash to still be so damn entertained by a wuss of a man scremaing his tailpipes out. I mean honestly, what fucking kind of nutjob first wishes paralysis on some poor black man's future children, and then sticks a second knife in his own leg to try to pry out the first one? Simply genius, I tell you, and definitely the only moment in the film that truly reminded me of the bloody hell brilliance behind both Anchorman and 40 Year Old Virgin...

The thing was though, I expected so much more from a "real man" Will Farrell film. Now sure, he was alright in Talladega Nights, I guess. And some of his improv did have its charm, like the guy admitting that "The Magician" nickname was awesome as hell. But for the most part, like I stated before, there were just so few laugh out loud moments in that Talladega Nights theatre of mine, that I couldn't help but feel disappointed as I walked out that night. I had thought I would at least get a chuckle out of Will Farrell running around in his underwear thinking he was on fire, or of him and his family getting chucked out of an Applebee restaurant (whatever those things may be). But alas, as weird as it is to say, that just wasn't enough to satisfy my Applebee appetite for Will fucking Farrell...

And at least, I expected some sort of decent supporting cast for the guy, yet we got almost nothing from the film. Cal was an alright best friend I guess, with all his nifty catch phrases and his little slingshot drafting maneuver to help out his friend in a jam. But except for his whole "Magician" thing, Cal just didn't really have any classic lines of his own. He was more just there than anything, as the background figure that he always did feel like as a character throughout the whole of the movie. Always the 2nd place bridesmaid, never the bride...

Were we supposed to care about Ricky Bobby's family life either? I mean, it was obvious from the getgo that his wife was a gold digger of a whore, to the point where her seduction of Cal in just under three movie seconds didn't even muster a pint of laughter from me. And sure, some of the lines from Ricky Bobby's children were classic, but I eventually got bored of their act just like Ricky's mother did as well. And as for Lucy herself, she was definitely one of the strongest characters in the film in the way she commanded the screen with her wisdom and charm. It's just that, except for perhaps the birth of Ricky Bobby at the start, did she even have any classic moments or memorable lines? Couldn't she have at least offered to be somebody's sex buddy again, preferably to one of her grandkids?...

Susan had no purpose in the film whatsoever. Hell, I didn't even notice that she was alive until I realized that it wasn't Ricky Bobby's wife with the children, watching the races halfway through the movie. And I don't think I even recognized her name until that one scene on the table, where apparently we're supposed to get seduced by her little splunky horniness to sit Ricky Bobby in her driver's seat. Sure, the bitch was cute (especially with those glasses of hers, my personal fetish and all), but she was just such a shallow character compared to the romantic comedy aspects of both Anchorman and 40 Year Old Virgin in the past, that even I couldn't get turned on by the goddam petite whore...

And why the fuck did anything happening with Ricky Bobby's father seem to get the real focus of the film? Sure, the combination of the two did produce probably the best laughters of the entire movie (the rebirth of Ricky Bobby after the accident, so to speak), but I really did not give a damn about their actual father and son, shake and bake connection. Yeah, his father is a hick of a drunk and blah blah blah, Ricky Bobby therefore has father abandonment issues. And sure, I snickered when Reese Bobby finally showed up at the Talladega 500, just to pawn off the tickets that Ricky always left for him. But I certainly didn't give a fuck about the actual conflict between the two, while strangely enough, I actually did empathize with Will Farrell's character in past films like Anchorman and even goddam A Night at the Roxbury for Christ's sakes...

Yeah, we got some nice shining moments from both Michael Clarke Duncan and that Jean Girard character in the end, I guess. But considering those were two of the biggest names in the film, I expected so much better than just a car wash, a pit stop, a gas shortage, and that's about it...

I expected the Highlander of films, the one that won an Oscar for Best Movie Evar, you know?...

... well, Talladega Nights wasn't shit or anything, but it was still disappointing and ultimately unsatisfying in the end...

Now Will Farrell is still The Man when it comes to comedy, and I do admit that I damn well enjoyed myself throughout the film for the most part...

But goddammit, with Anchorman and the like? He's just set the bar too damn high for himself. Or simply set too short of a damn world lap record around the Talladega 500, if you will...

Y2kk Update: - Stargate SG-1: Uninvited and Stargate Atlantis: Progeny Reviews (Spoilers...) -

... well, no animals that weren't already mutated by extra-dimensional, monster-inducing slugs, that is...

But really, how the fuck could Landry go back on his principles like that? Hunt a poor, innocent creature in the woods with an entire military squad armed with G36's, M4A1's and P90's (and probably SPAS's)?...

And to be honest? After hearing what Uninvited was all about from the previews? I really did think that the plotline was just so damn dumb, that anyone even remotely associated with it should be shot in the goddam face as well...

But in the end, Uninvited wasn't just about a monster in the woods, and it wasn't just a lame rip off of all those worthless pieces of trash, teen horror films coming out these days (well, except for the part where Sheriff Dwyane Wade gets eaten alive that is, but whatever). But rather, Uninvited instead was actually a great character story for the entire cast and crew of the SG-1 team...

Hell, even General Landry didn't piss me off that much in this episode. I think I even laughed at how goddam ridiculous his goddam bird call was. The man was actually funny. How the fuck often does that happen?...

The monsters were the side-story in Uninvited, and thank God for that. Because the real meat and potatoes dealt with Colonel Mitchell trying to actually relax, uncork and unwind while the general he works for was still barking in his face. And personally, as a guy who has had so many fucking awkward lunches and discussions already with my bosses at work over the past couple of years, how the fuck could I not relate?...

General Landry still fucking sucks balls, but I was impressed with how "uncomfortable" and uneasy he made Mitchell feel the whole episode, despite all his attempts to get the Colonel to loosen up. I didn't give a shit about Landry's hate for hunters or his backstory in Vietnam (in which General Hammond had a much better one back in season five), but who the fuck can't enjoy a good ribbing by the boss whenever Mitchell tried to actually make an actual joke with the guy? I just somehow related to Mitchell's whole plight when it came to the General giving him a heart to heart discussion over the leadership of the SG-1 team, giving him a hard time when it came to having the laptop over himself as a security blanket, or just messing with his mind when it came to personal helicopter rescues. It was all just so goddam realistically awkward that it actually turned out fun, as Uninvited was ironically the best episode that Beau Bridges has ever done on the show so far...

And who would've thunk that Teal'c would ever use the word "ironic" in a sentence?...

You know an SG-1 episode is actually a good character driven one, when even Teal'c got his chances to shine. He definitely got to play the gentleman of a jacked hero, by first calming and cooly taking out a giant beast or burden with just a lowly human frag grenade, and then getting to even sweep the girl off her feet without even seeming the least bit shaken as he had her shaking on the ground. Obviously, he had a few comedic lines in there as well, as the "ironic" one and his poker quips at the end actually had me laughing harder than a Setesh Jaffa's nose drips (get it?... oh, nevermind...). But for the most part, I just loved how he kicked ass and took names in Uninvited, all while baby-sitting Vala in a way that felt just as natural and humourous as any time that Daniel has in the past...

Of course, Daniel had a great episode here. We don't even need to discuss that...

Meanwhile, Vala felt a bit out of place at times, as it kinda seemed forced to have her as the wild animal hunting expert on the trip. But she still had a ton of a laugh out lines in the episode, like calling poor Colonel Reynolds there in the background an "amateur". And the thing is, when push came to shove (especially when she was shoved by Teal'c to the floor), for the most part she handled herself with poise and grace, more so than any time that Daniel was forced to watch over her like a motherfucker. She has this kick ass way of holding the P90 that just screams "just desserts", her voice was somehow cute as hell when bragging about the behaviour of the two mutated beasts at the end of the episode, and her poker game face was just incredibly adorable and goddam irresistible for some goddam reason (what the fuck is a King Kong anyhew?)...

But why the fuck was she and the SG-1 team using fucking Sony PSP's as goddam hand scanners in the fucking woods? I can never forgive them for that. WTF?...

I didn't even know that humans had Atlantis-quality hand scanners these days back on earth, but I guess science was just a bit off in Uninvited for its own good. Now, as for the creatures themselves, while the explanation does make sense when you factor in the sixth sense episode of Sight Unseen? Logically, why would the Ancients build a device that taps into a dimension where evil monster-inducing slugs can entire into our own universe? Sure, they had the whole radiation thing to ward those creatures off (which earth had turned off for safety reasons), but why not just use a traditional cloaking device that stays within our own goddam dimension then? Either way, guess SG-1 won't be seeing those Sodan devices much anymore, and I suppose I won't really mind...

But I do hope that we do get to see that fucking new xenology or whatever doctor back in future weeks (especially with Dr. Lam out of commission with, you know, Michael Shanks' baby...), because was it just me or was she hot? Atlantis hot really, as the Jake 2.0 doctor of ridiculously cute Joan of Arcadia proportions decided to stop on by the SG set and get attacked by a giant alien slug on the way. The thing is though, the actress really did seem like she belonged more in the Atlantis episode than the SG-1 one this week at least, not only because she was just too overly peppy and adorably good looking for SG-1 as a whole, but because the actress has been spouting technobabble lines her entire television career about goddam replicating nanites. But that's a story for another review...

Normally it's Carter who pulls off all the science technobabble in episodes, but she surprisingly had very little of it in Uninvited (except for the whole Sodan cloak explanation, that is). Instead, she pulled a complete 180 (or a 360?...) from her goddam stupidity last week, and actually proved to be a capable and strikingly intelligent leader in the big chair this week. Or not in the big chair really, considering I absolutely loved the scene between the two women when it came to Landry's vacant desk. As really, Carter was just somehow fun to be around again in Uninvited, as not only was she chummy enough with Teal'c to rib about his lines of dialogue, but actually was somehow calm and collected enough to strike back with a vengeance at the guy when it came to goddam poker...

But dammit, why did he fold? It was such an obvious bluff. She's definitely not much of a gambler...

The episode belonged to Cameron Mitchell though, and while it wasn't his funniest or most memorable hour in the series so far, it was probably the best character development he's had since Avalon. The man is finally starting to show some cracks, as he realizes that being part of SG-1 is not all just about fun and games and Kirking (except on Atlantis), but it's about needing real teamwork and real loyalty just to survive. He confessed this all in a speech to Landry that somehow didn't just feel heartfelt, but appropriately awkward as well (considering who he was telling it to). The Mitchell we all know and (probably) love was the one who was having a great time hunting the giant monster in the woods with a goddam shotgun and G36, but it was nice to see the other side of him for the first time in ages. He really brought to life all my fucking fears of an actual camping trip with my own bosses at work, and I was honestly squirming just as much as any extra-dimensional creature that just found its way into our own ever would...

But what the fuck is with goddam Mitchell and his love of the PS2 with goddam Socom 3? I can never forgive him for that. Play a real game and a real system, motherfucker. WTF?...

A real game is poker, and to me, the ending of Uninvited was truly one of the best team-oriented endings the series has ever seen. It reminded me a lot of the final moments of Star Trek: The Next Generation in All Good Things, in just how much enjoyment every character was having just by being in the company of one another. Vala was a hoot with her obsession with the poker channels on TV, Teal'c showed that he's as pussy whipped as any jacked gentleman can be, Carter actually was adorable in the fact that women can't play fucking poker (you're damn right, bitch), and Mitchell lovely made a complete ass of himself with the general and his jokes. And oh yeah, Daniel was wheelin' and dealin' as the Maverick, of course...

The only thing truly missing was a fucking cameo from General Jack O'Neill. I mean, it was his own fucking cabin they were using, so why the fuck couldn't he show up for even just one goddam minute? Because I do know that Richard Dean Anderson was filming The Real World at the time, so obviously he was on the Stargate set. Even without Daniel there getting all red from just a quarter of a beer, wouldn't it just have been perfect if after Carter had made her bluff, that the ol' General would waltz right back in, call her bet, pull up a chair, and show the whole lot of them how the game is really played? That's actually the way I would probably end the series to be honest, if such a great ending hadn't already been used by Star Trek: The Next Generation, that is...

As surprisingly enough? As uninvited as this episode was in my home at first, considering how lameass the previews all made it look? Hell, even with the worthless campy monster story of the week (get it?... oh, nevermind), and even with the lameass jokes about Dick Cheney (who doesn't even exist in the President Hayes and Jack Bauer universe)? I actually very much enjoyed this episode, on a personal level that's become more and more rare since the glory days of the third and fourth seasons of the show...

And with that? Well, I can only hope for more poker channel shit in the next few weeks from the writers, as I wish you all a General Hammond God Speed...

Progeny was a great episode, one of the best that Stargate Atlantis has done in years (not that that's saying much)...

It just could've been even more. It could've been one of the best Stargate episodes of all time, if only it weren't so goddam flawed...

Sure, I hated Aurora and shitasstic episodes like that one last year, where the Ancients were made out to be complete goddam, humanized fools. I mean, we're talking about the fucking Ancients here, the Gate-builders, supposedly the most advanced and civilized society in the entire universe of the past thirty fucking million years. And yet they walked around a Star Trek ship wearing spandex and white tights while being tricked by a single goddam Wraith dressed in cleavage. WTF?...

A few have already criticized Progeny for somehow making the Ancients even worse, by being dumbshit enough to first create the Replicators and then presumably destroy them for no good reason whatsoever. A lot of fans in the past actually viewed the Ancients as the pinnacle of evolution and maturity for humanity, yet now see the flaws in their only-human nature, almost like a child realizing that his or her parents aren't exactly goddam perfect. And normally, I would probably be making the same criticisms as well...

But the humanization of the Ancients actually worked in Progeny. They were desperate at a time of war, created a weapon that ended up being far more complex and sentient than they ever originally intended, and had no choice but to mercilessly wipe them out as a result of their failure...

A lot of (wussy girl) fans on the net are crying foul, demanding to know why the once pure and pristine Ancients would just mercilessly bomb the hell out of the poor, defenseless Asurans, as if it were Team America we're dealing with here? But the thing is, if you just recall the goddam virus from Hot Zone, how it preserved Ancient life but killed any human it found, then remember from here that the Ancients were just so damn desperate to wipe out their creations from existence, and finally put two and 7.31 together? Then you get a goddam good idea of what the Asurans' plan was to rid the galaxy of the goddam Wraith infestation in the first place...

The other fault that the fans are absolutely writhing and whining on the net about, was the fact that anyone who has seen Stargate SG-1's Unnatural Selection episode knew exactly how Progeny would end. The same damn thing happened more or less, in which the Stargate team finds a society of human-lookalike machines (Replicators), then uses the trust of one of their more naive (or insightful) ones to fuck over the whole lot of the rest of them. Sure, at least the SGA team was nice enough to take Niam along with them for the ride this time, which is more than I can say for how SG-1 treated good ol' Fifth back in the day. But in the end, the Ancients were dumb (or smart?) enough to betray the Asurans the first time, and now Dr. Weir was being dumbass enough to do it all again? WTF?...

And why the fuck did she take only Niam, leaving those two fucking Asuran females seeking ascension behind? Is Dr. Weir really that fucking horny, that she fucking just wants a personal sex machine of her own? She already has Teyla as a sex toy, yet she wants more? Couldn't Weir at least have taken that half hot robot bitch for herself as well? WTF?...

Dr. Weir was absolutely the weakest link in the nanite chain on the show for the umpteenth time. She was a moron in her decisions, as what the fuck kind of diplomacy was overloading the ZPMs and nuking the whole city to hell (which should've blown up the planet with Atlantis on it too, at least)? She screws over the Asurans, who you can be assured (get it?... oh, nevermind) will return and bite us back in the ass. She screws over her potential allies in the Asuran community, who were promising to help in the fight against the Wraith as long as we don't lose their trust. And then she was just dumbass enough to stand there as Niam was probably sucking the life out of her with nanites...

Goddammit, choke that goddam bitch for me. She already chokes from all the goddam cocks she sucks on the base, so why care? What's the difference? She once got it from Narim, so why not from Niam? WTF?...

And oh yes, then she was dumb enough not to send the Puddle Jumper back to blow Niam up in space with a goddam drone. WTF?...

... sigh... at least she'll always have Teyla there at night to comfort her goddam holes and wounds...

WTF was wrong with Teyla in Progeny as well? Since when did she actually grow a brain? First, she was the first to really notice that something was off about the Asurans, and then she had the nerve to make the SGA team seem cheap for only "finding" the city ship of Atlantis. And then the fucking village girl actually had the knowledge and know-how to lecture Rodney about nanite computers and fucking electro-magnetic pulses? Has she been sleeping up the corporate ladder or something? What the fuck has Dr. Weir been whispering in her ear at night? WTF?...

There were definitely flaws in Progeny, preventing it from ever reaching the highest level of Atlantian evolution like Rising, The Siege, Critical Mass, and maybe even The Storm did. I definitely did get a sense of deja vu throughout the episode, as Rodney even used the old Obi-Daniel Kenobi trick of freezing all the Replicators in place. Hell, McKay even talked about the Asurans as if they were the human-form Replicators from back in SG-1, which I suppose they were at the core...

But thankfully, despite all the mistakes the writers made with this episode (Dr. Weir and Teyla being two of them, as always...)? Stargate Atlantis managed to put enough spin and special effects on the reborn Replicators, that they really did feel fresh, invigorating, and more importantly, more threatening and vicious than the machines ever felt over on Stargate SG-1...

We are now dealing with the true original Replicators here, and thank God for that. All the dumbass T-1000 Replicarter effects have been removed (well, except for the passing through the door thing...), replaced with a more sophisticated and mature society that rivals the Ancients in every way (and then some). As much as we were reminded of their links to the Replicators (which makes sense now, why the Ancient repository downloaded into O'Neill's mind would have immediate knowledge of how to neutralize Replicator blocks), these weren't really Replicators we were dealing with here, but rather evil Ancients. They want to ascend, they want to better themselves, but they have an Ori-like rage to them preventing them from ever being more. That was what was far more interesting to me than any of their dumbass hand-in-the-head bullshit moments of badassness...

Although what the fuck was wrong with the intelligence of the nanites? Why was it that their supposed most "effective and efficient" form, was that of an old, fat bastard? If I was an Ancient, I would be staring too at the cluelessness of my creations forming into a fucking obese, morose (or Moros?) motherfucker. WTF?...

Either way, who here didn't at least feel a bit of a rush or a small tingle up and down their spine, at the first sight of the Asuran city? The CG effects in Progeny were amazing, as not only was I absolutely floored and wowed by the Kryptonian-like metropolis and society of the Replicators, but by the kickass effects of their city ship rising into space and warping into hyperspace. I wasn't nearly as taken back by the sight of the fifteen or more Aurora-class warships beating the living shit out of the hapless Asurans in flashbacks, as something just looked a bit off with the green screen effects there with fucking Dr. Weir. But the feeling of sheer shock and awe returned once again at the sight of the Asuran city ship in orbit around Atlantis, as the CG team and crew really shone and outdid themselves with everything they did in Progeny...

Right from the get-go, John Sheppard was his whole suave and badass self, never really trusting a race that doesn't invite the fucking car (not even a fucking Ford Mustang? WTF?). I loved both his diplomacy and his contempt for the aristocratic high council when it came to their ignorance of the Wraith and human life, and you gotta feel bad for the poor guy when he was willing to sacrifice his life to destroy Atlantis at the end of his own little mental fairytale. I knew it was all a dream sequence, but that didn't make the destruction of the city any less fantastic to me. John Sheppard really acted like a strong team leader in Progeny, right up to the point where he was dumb enough to use P90 bullets instead of fucking Asuran energy weapons against goddam nanite machines, that is...

But even so? Come on now, who here at least doesn't love a good ol' arbitrary number?...

Or is he trying to say that the whore is a 7-11, always open 24/7? But bah, whatever...

Ronon didn't do much in the background in Progeny, but I was surprised at how effective he was nonetheless. Obviously, his little energy weapon (wherever he got it, as it was never explained in Sateda) did the only damage done to the Replicaters, and he looked damn badass when doing his little spins and fancy twirls on the ground to get a shot off. The thing that actually got me though, was how much he stressed the whole "family takes care of each other" thing when pissing off the Asuran high council. As cheesy and campy as a line as that was, it actually worked in regards with what happened to the guy last week...

The true star of the show is always Rodney McKay though. Even he admitted in the episode that maybe he should just start going on away missions by his lonesome self, and can you blame him? In just one episode, not only was he deemed smart enough to actually correct the mistakes in programming code that the Ancients themselves could not (or would not) fix, but he also found a loophole to stop all the Replicators in their tracks, blowing up an entire fucking Asuran city ship in the process. How the fuck can't he considered both the brains, the brawn, and the fucking Jack Bauer Rambo of the series then?...

I do wish that Progeny had more comedy in it than there was, but the combination of Rodney's arbitrary numbers and his complete lack of patience in terms of metaphysical debate still had me laughing in poker spades. Really, as a complete techie here, I was drooling right alongside Rodney whenever it came to the sight of the Asuran metropolis and the thought that they could create ZPM's for us at any given hour of the day. Not only that, but as hokey as his lines of dialogue may have been, David Hewlett really did help establish a believable connection between the Asurans and their Replicator brethren successors back on SG-1...

It really does make the mind ponder, whether Merlin recreated the damn nanite-machines in the Milky Way, as a weapon against the human followers of the Ori or some sort of crap like that. The Ancients may not have been evil in my eyes, but they were definitely damn litter bugs. They left the galaxy-devastating weapon on Dakara for Anubis to use at any moment, they left the Asurans to potentially destroy all human life in the Pegasus Galaxy, and I wouldn't be surprised if they accidentally created the Goa'uld as a cure for the Ori plague. If Merlin created a weapon against the ascended Ori themselves, why not develop a relentless AI that would actually use the technology that the Ori give their followers against them? Makes perfect sense to me, as originally the Replicators would never attack a planet as primitive as the earth back then or Camelot. But alas, it would all turn out to be yet another blotch on the goddam resume of Ancient experiments gone bad...

And yes, the writers did make some mistakes with Progeny. If only it hadn't been such a carbon copy of SG-1, and if only Dr. Weir hadn't been such a goddam dumbass whore of a bitch, then maybe this episode wouldn't just go down with one of the best of Atlantis, but also one of the best of Stargate of all time?...

Either way though, Atlantis now has an enemy that actually feels threatening, an opponent with technology that we simply have no answer to. While obviously SG-1 already has that feeling with the Ori (who's technology so far has seemed far superior to that of the Asurans), it's nice to finally get a much needed break from the worthless Wraith and Genii of SGA, and actually get an enemy with actual teeth and raw ruthless aggression for once...

Progeny was a great episode, one of the best that Stargate Atlantis has done in years (not that that's saying much)...

Yes, sure it could've been so much more, just like the Asurans wish that they could become so much more...

True, Progeny never quite reached that level of ascension. But it was still a damn fine episode...

... and a great set-up to what is already becoming an epic season of Stargate Atlantis...

Y2kk Update: - Stargate SG-1: Insiders and Stargate Atlantis: Sateda Reviews (Spoilers...) -

The thing is, just like with any episode dealing with Death by Puns, Insiders was clearly entertaining enough for what it was worth. It's just that, aside from a few wise cracks that got me rolling my eyes in the end, there just wasn't any real substance to this episode...

Because, I mean, it always seems to happen at least once or twice a season to the cast and crew, afterall...

The most obvious question is, why the fuck did Carter lapse back into her old Gemini form, and just gave the villain (or villains) of the week whatever they wanted? I expected her to pull some miracle out of her hat, like giving him a list of gate addresses to planets with black holes like the SGC has done in the past. And yet all because she was too damn wussy to let Agent Barrett of all morons get sacrificed, she gave Ba'al all the data in the dialing computer that not only can lead him to a weapon that can destroy the Ancients, but give him access to planets with weapons technology far exceeding his own already. What the fuck?...

How the fuck did all the Ba'als escape from captivity in the first place? Wasn't there a guard posted at every door? You're telling me that a couple of Ba'als overwhelmed all those goddam red shirts in a matter of seconds, even after the alarms had sounded? Why the fuck was Agent Barrett even allowed into the prisoner room with a weapon on him? Why didn't the guard follow standard procedure and strip him of the goddam gun in the first place, or have the reaction time to fucking shoot Ba'al before he stole the goddam weapon? WTF?...

The SG-1 team questioned why the first Ba'al was so easy to capture, obviously because he wanted to be captured. Why didn't they question though, why every single other fucking clone was ridiculously easy to capture too? I know that the Goa'uld and Jaffa have always been nothing but cannon fodder on the ground when it comes to our tactical weapons of war, but didn't anyone perk their eyes and ears up when Cameron Mitchell actually found it all so laughable that he was competing with SG-12 (and maybe even John Sheppard) for the number of goddam Ba'als captured in a day?...

Insiders didn't even start on the right track. Now, I know Ba'al wasn't putting up any resistance or anything, but how the fuck can an Alkesh be taken down by one measly missile from a F-16? We didn't even bother to send out a F-22 Raptor, let alone an actual F-302, against an alien vessel that's capable of destroying entire buildings? Why the fuck was Stargate command so lazy as to actually let the ship into earth's atmosphere in the first place? And how the fuck could the writers start off the episode with the most boring Alkesh ever going down in fucking lameass flames?...

Now, all horrible puns and guns and episodic stupidity aside, I did think Insiders was enjoyable for what it was worth. Cliff Simon is always great as Ba'al, and his plans for galactic domination (by wiping everyone out, Anubis style) made for a great segment that I'm sure will be touched upon later in the series (though weren't the Jaffa supposed to have destroyed that Dakara weapon?). And at least Insiders was a hell of a lot better than that goddam movie, Inside Man...

And truth be told, no matter how dumbass every character on the SG base was in this episode? At least until the end, they never took Insiders as an episode seriously, allowing for at least a few chuckles and snickers along the way...

Carter was stupid as fuck in Insiders, but at least she had some fun along the way. She was a nice little foil to Cameron Mitchell, complaining about his horrible puns and macho pride about the Ba'al capture count. She even had some chemistry with Vala along the way now that Daniel was kicked to the curb, allowing for at least a few scenes of the two getting close, enough for an intimate desktop wallpaper in the near future, I'd wager...

Cameron Mitchell got his action groove on, shooting a bunch of generic Jaffa like only he and Jack O'Neill can. I also did enjoy the scene where he was trying to goad that one Goa'uld (with a gourd?... nevermind...) into showing some actual spine and backbone, but that was about it. Because besides that, I don't really remember what he did except utter all those horribly bad Ba'al jokes that I've already all used up to each of my two Yu readers' chagrin...

Well, I don't know about you, but I for one at least was Ba'al'ing in laughter... Ha?...

I was surprised though, that Teal'c really had nothing to say to Ba'al. You'd think that after almost being brainwashed by the guy, and then killing the Goa'uld for the umpteenth time with a staff weapon, that they'd be a connection between the two? Instead, Teal'c sort of just stood there like a pylon, smirking away whenever Ba'al's failures came up as a topic, yet never ever having the Ba'als to show what a real Jaffa man is made of. Wasupwidat?...

And as for Vala? Well, at least she got to look sexy for once, as she really does look better with her hair down at first glance, considering it blended in perfectly with her dark tank top to the point where it seemed like she was wearing nothing at all. With that British accent of hers, she definitely did have chemistry with Cliff Simon, more than she probably ever will by looking as 'shippy as ever when asking about Daniel's check-in from Camelot...

But seriously, how fucking dumbass can the SGC be with her? First, Cameron Mitchell admits that he has no control over the team (though technically neither did Jack, although at least O'Neill always led through bravery and sheer loyalty). Then, he proves he still doesn't trust Vala, by instead of giving her the P90 she already got to use last season, he gives her a fucking zat (which unlike a Wraith stunner, actually still does kill, so what real difference does it make?...). And then finally, when push came to shove? With a fucking zat in hand, she was given full military command of a goddam Marine unit in the base, and got all those fucking red shirts killed by Ba'al in the process? WTF?...

Has the entire SGC gone mental? They left her in charge? It's like putting Teyla in fucking command of Atlantis. It just ain't right...

Seriously, the only decently intelligent character in Insiders was goddam Daniel Jackson...

... too bad he got about as many lines as Lieutenant Ford did on Atlantis this week, that's all...

I at least thought the writers would have at least one secret left up their sleeves. I was expecting for some real twist at the end, either for Carter's black widow curse to come back and haunt her, or (and?) for Agent Barrett to pull a Critical Mass and end up having a Goa'uld in himself. Though that would make the SGC look even dumber for not taking two seconds to check the internal sensors for extra Goa'uld lifesigns, at least it would've been a surprise. Instead, we either got brainwashing or just standard goddam NID stupidity. Somehow, thanks to the writers' Smallville-itis this week, I'm convinced we got the latter...

Now, in true popcorn movie fashion, I tried to set aside my goddam brain when it came to watching this episode. But still, it's just that, inside my mind? There are just some logic circuits that won't switch off. I would think they're impossible to completely ignore, except apparently the entire SG-1 team can easily flip the switch on theirs any goddam time that the plot requires. Go figure...

I guess it's good that SG-1 has already gotten one of their dumbass episodes of the season out of the way, leaving just a small handful of them at most (I hope) for the rest of the year. But seriously, even when it came to the ineptitude of the SGC just to pump fucking symbiot poison through the goddam ventilation shafts, a security precaution that they should've already had in place? My fucking God...

What the fuck kind of name is Sateda? How the fuck can I make a bad pun about fucking "Sateda"?...

Couldn't the writers have named this episode something more depictive, something more accurate?...

The thing is, Sateda definitely is one of the most well done episodes of Atlantis to date, in terms of acting and camera angles and maybe even music. Now, I do appreciate the total package, and Sateda does earn this week's episode of the week award from me (almost by default though, really). But still, there just seemed to be something off about Sateda, more than the oddba'al name will ever alone suggest...

It was like a goddam episode of Battlestar Galactica, directed by John fucking Woo...

Half of the episode consisted of the 1950's, Cold War-like homeworld of Ronon's, blanketed in Crapica blue, and the other half of the episode was shaky cam, grainy footage of all of the goddam caveman's flashbacks to fucking some cute as hell but whiny bitch of a wife. And the other half of the episode, was simply ridiculous Matrix bullshit. Maybe it could've all worked with a greener tint than blue or something, but seeing Ronon dodge Wraith stunner blasts in slow motion, blast Sateda shotgun shells into all the red shirt grunt guts, and then watch the Wraith King (or whatever the hell he was) get dropped and dragged and nuked by a goddam Ancient drone that should've just bore a hole right through him?...

Like I said before, it all felt more like a Battlestar Galactica episode than anything else...

... but, well?... at least Sateda reminded me of a good episode of BSG, more or less...

I will definitely honour and credit the writers for putting a ton of character development for once in an episode with enough action and excitement to appease any Jack Bauer or John McClane fan. The loyal Atlantis fanbase has been calling for a true "team-based" episode that wasn't just a bottle filler in the middle of the season, and the writers definitely finally delivered. And it all definitely showed with slow-mo sparks, with entire scenes devoted to just Rodney and Sheppard catching up on things, and Carson and co debating over who really deserves the right to prove their man-love to Ronon with a bloody hell machine gun...

The only thing is, didn't it all feel a tad bit forced in Sateda, ala BSG? Half of the episode was all Matrix effects, half of the rest of episode was all Ronon grunt effects, and the final half of the goddam show consisted of all these uber-quiet and light-hearted scenes with an arrow shoved up Rodney's butt. As much as I love comic relief, I just didn't feel there was enough of a smooth segway between the hugely juxtaposed scenes. It was all well written, but just not directed in a way that reminded of anything but a god-awful John Woo film in the end...

Like I said though, every character had a role to play in Sateda, and every actor did admirably in the task...

Rodney was hilarious as always. The morphine bit was a perhaps just a bit over the top for me, as all the pretty horses in the world just couldn't make me laugh with Major. Fake Lorne in the scene. However, I really did enjoy the moment between Sheppard and McKay on the floor (if that sounds good), with all those horrible jokes and banter between one another. It was a strong scene that not only proved their loyalty to Ronon, but also showed how close John and Rodney had gotten with one another, by the simple fact that Sheppard didn't even bother to pull up a chair for himself. I wasn't nearly as big of a fan of McKay in the Daedalus infirmary, as I already mentioned that the delivery of his lines there felt a bit forced and out of place, but how the fuck can I ever hate on a guy with yellow smiley limes on his boxers and a fucking arrow up his ass?...

Carson tried to be the hero for once, completely ignoring the fact that he was neither a military man nor Rambo when it came to the machine gun, but why the fuck did he care so much? Since when has he ever gotten close to or talked with Ronon, except for perhaps when he took out a fucking bullet from his gut? It was nice to see the camaraderie between the two, but I've never seen it before, and thus it all felt out of place. Still, you gotta love the fact, like it or not, that it was Beckett who stepped up to plate and hit a home-run with a full count and a Puddle Jumper in the end, and got a man-hug from everyone's favourite useless turd of a caveman to boot...

Teyla in the meanwhile, also sort of felt a bit out of place. Her loyalty to Ronon at the start was admirable and quite in character, but why the fuck was she complaining and bitching to Sheppard later on that she always feels like an outsider? Seriously, doesn't she get fucked by Dr. Weir every single morning and night, and fucking gets put in charge of the fucking Atlantis base whenever that fucking Eliza-bitch gets the shove? And yet she still has the nerve to complain? What more does she want? WTF?...

God, even with the longer and sexier hair, I still hate Dr. Weir. She mostly kept her mouth shut, but goddam, even the fucking booby Ba'als on her chest weren't doing anything for me this week...

But at least, despite her awkward performance, Sateda was definitely one of Teyla's better episodes of Atlantis. Namely because, she was meant to be awkward as hell with John Sheppard, as it was one of those rare and special scenes that actually stands out in your mind when it's all said and done. She filled in the blanks for everyone's favourite comatose military man when it comes to "feelings", and it did show a lot of chemistry between the two for the first time in ages. I still don't get why the fucking bitch feels like an outsider, but it was nice to see her thank John for all the pretty horses, and "all the things (he) meant to say"...

It shows a real team dynamic between the two, the kind of which we rarely see except for that goddam lizard angst in Conversion, that is...

Yeah, Sheppard had a real soft moment of weakness there, for one scene at least. I actually appreciated that small sort of insight into his character, not just because we were reminded of his Antarctic American Chopper sprees in the past, but because we kinda learned for a fact that yes, he is a loner, that he has no real friends back on earth. Sure, he had a pad with all his Kirking down pat in the past as we've seen, but as nothing more than a playa? Yeah, he was lonely. And of course, he will forever be lonely, if he keeps going for Dr. Weir and her fucking cock-blocking and bitch teasing ways, but I digress...

What I really did like about John Sheppard in Sateda though, was not his fire and loyalty to Ronon or any bullshit like that. But rather, just the little comic relief he brought to the fold along with Rodney and Teyla, the kind of which that didn't feel forced like Carson or whoever else pretending to actually be Ronon's best buddy in the world did. Just the little things in life, like not being able to sit down with a fucking arrow up your ass, are truly the things you treasure. And who here didn't at least crack a smile at poor Sheppard's bruised ego, when he lost in the Wraith kill count to a fucking outsider of a bitch?...

Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with Teyla? Why is she so not appreciative of what she gets (and who she does) at Atlantis? Not only do we completely protect the Athosians, not only does Weir eat her fucking alien pussy out every single goddam hour of the day, but now Teyla has the power to fight back against the Wraith like no human ever has since the end of the Ancient war. Before she met Sheppard, she couldn't even hold her own against a single Wraith, and now she can take down eight without even breaking a sweat before making Weir bead and cry from the lower eye? How the fuck can she be so damn unappreciative? Where the fuck is the thanks? What a fucking bitch...

Does nobody still give credit where credit is due, and that is to the Daedalus? That one ship alone has destroyed or at least aided in the destruction of almost a dozen fucking Hive Ships by now, and yet the entire cast and crew gangs up on poor Colonel Caldwell anyhew as if he was the cold bastard he once was before the symbiot was revealed? Sure, it probably would've been better for the team aspect of the episode (though not for the BSG-type atmosphere) if the Daedalus had come in to distract the Hive Ship at the end and given the Puddle Jumper time to escape. But even so, why does nobody fucking give props to the man and starship that actually makes a difference out there in the Pegasus Galaxy? WTF?...

Bah. Ronon was complaining about invincible Hive Ships the size of cities raining down great Ba'als of fire on his planet, and now that he has a ship of his own to bite back with? He instead does his whole comedy, Bruce Lee routine by shrieking out a girlish war cry by seemingly stabbing himself again in the fucking shrapnel wound? How the fuck is that supposed to help? WTF?...

But I will say one thing, at least. Because for once, just for once, I actually thought Jason Momoa did an amazing job as Ronon...

... and for once, I didn't miss the presence of Lieutenant fucking Ford (except on goddam SG-1, that is)...

In the scene within the cage, where he pointed a knife at his own throat? It could've all made for a hilariously awkward moment, with a fake plastic prop aimed at his gullet in a teen angst sort of Smallville way. But Jason pulled it off, and not in a Jason X sort of manner, but rather in terms of believable intensity, anxiety and loyalty to the rest of his team. Ronon lost everything when the Wraith culled his world, from his wife to his squad (though that's what fucking happens when you stand in the goddam open... motherfucking Smallville morons...), to even his trust in his commander and armies. Yet even before we saw all that through Lost-centric flashbacks, it still somehow felt real that he would sacrifice his own life for the sake of his friends. And that definitely deserves some credit from me, more than I thought I'd ever give to the actor...

As an action hero, Ronon can definitely hold his own against guys like Teal'c (though obviously, Jack Bauer and Patrick Stewart could kick both of their asses at the same damn time, but I digress...). I hated the use of all the wire-fu and Matrix slow-mo animations everywhere, but who here can possibly resist a "very angry" man with fucking unlimited, giant shotgun shells at his disposable? It seems that his 1950's-style world (judging by the hospital and radio broadcasts) didn't quite have the luxury of all those armour piercing and lead shrapnel bullet rounds that our modern P90's do, so his people had to improvise against the Wraith with fucking triple-barrel shotgun shells, each with diameters the size of my fucking fist. Not a fucking bad idea, if I do say so myself...

As much as it pains me to say this, I actually did like the fight choreography of a Ronon fight for once. His battles against the night vision Wraith tracking his ass, weren't just generic bullshit like I've seen from the actor throughout the latter half of the second season, but rather something actually artistic, like Teyla's stick fighting in the first season past. Hell, if I was going to compare Sateda to anything, it's Runner from last season. Not just because of the obvious similarities in plotlines, but from the fact that both episodes showed just so much more potential for the actor than I ever thought before, or ever even seen from any other fucking episode...

Sure, I cringed in agony at the sheer BSG-ness of all the shaky-cam flashback footage of his fucking whiny bitch of a wife, and how the actor so couldn't pull off being a disgruntled wuss when it came to still having that Hawaiian hair of his in the past. But whenever it came to his own current agony, his own wrath against the goddam Wraith, especially in his goddam lopsided 'bout against the Wraith King? Well, sure I was laughing at just how much the latter looked more like a character out of goddam Galaxy Quest than anything else, but still?...

... an Admiral Adama without the stoic presence, kickass voice and an actual fucking personality, mind you...

Y2kk Update: - Nintendo's / Vivarium's Odama Nintendo Gamecube Review (Spoilers...) -

Even if Battlestar Galactica is shit, oh how I wish I could be a badass such as him...

... but alas, I guess I'll have to settle for being the commander of the goddam Odama instead...

Not that that's such a bad thing, mind you. Considering Odama really is one of the more innovative titles that Nintendo has produced in recent years. Even if the concept is pretty much a bit too oddball (or pinball) for its own damn good at times...

It sounds really, really ridiculously weird on paper. In Odama, you play as a pinball machine in ancient Japanese times. You use the Odama pinball or whatever as your weapon, aiming it with the paddles or whatever you call those flipper things, at the opposing enemy targets to literally bowl over their armies. You get an army of your own in which you must aid through a gateway by taking out the other side with the Odama pinball, reinforcing your own lost troops with replacements, and barking orders to your men through the microphone. All new game copies of Odama come with a free microphone in hand, which surprisingly works better than any of the speech recognition I've tried elsewhere from Nintendo so far (especially on the DS, namely the Brain Training series)...

With the mic in hand, by holding down the X button in Odama, you can tell your troops commands like "advance", "push forward", and "flank and destroy". Your little army of Japanese pikmin samurai on screen will pretty much do whatever you say, as long as you don't shout your commands into the mic at super high pitched velocities or any crap like that. And it is a fun little diversion, to be able to dictate orders to your troops like any good Japanese general should. The only issue is, you really do feel like a moron by talking to a bloody hell video game of all things, all by your lonesome self (and in case, in my parents' basement...). I really would prefer the option to turn off the mic and be able to give orders through the controller instead, but so far I haven't found that option, if such an option even exists...

The concept of Odama is innovative enough, and truth be told, it's actually quite fun. I love flanking and destroying enemy troops, and I love striking the bell like a gong with my pinball to knock all those opposing forces flat on their backs from a sonic boom. The thing is though, like any pinball game in the past (except for perhaps Metroid Pinball), things get repetitive and boring real quick. There's only so many stages of having to open up dams or hitting specific targets to take out a bridge, that I can take before I either get annoyed at how hard this game is or get frustrated at just how damn mind-numbing it is to just play a goddam pinball game on a console controller...

... well, I mean, season one Adama at least (since he was a complete pussy in season two, but that's a story for another day)...

Because believe me, Odama is a frustratingly hard game. Ironically, Nintendo took the simple game of pinball and overcomplicated things to hell by setting it up as a war sim in medieval Japan. Odama could've worked well as a quirky Japanese DS game, but not as a full priced Gamecube title. Not with all its flaws and its final unpolished state, that is...

Even Tom Cruise in The Last Samurai would get his ass kicked by this Giant Crab of bullshit...

Sure, almost all pinball games in the past have been hair-pulling difficult at times, but at least in those, you don't really care for anything but your top score. In Odama, not only is it sometimes half impossible to consistently find and strike the targets you need to hit as mission objectives in each stage, but you get fucking time limits as bloody hell constraints as well. Didn't Nintendo learn anything from Pikmin, in which both challenge and frustration factors are ramped up by the tick of the goddam clock, for better and for worse? It definitely doesn't work so well here in Odama, where constant enemy troop reinforcements and the inaccuracy of your goddam pinball flippers, make for each and every stage into becoming a goddam chore...

Obviously presentation wise, Odama is just flat out pathetic. I know that there are at times hundreds of warrior samurai on screen at once, but did Nintendo really have to make each and every single one of them look like a PSOne Dynasty Warrior character at best? Didn't they prove with Pikmin that simplistic yet stylish conjured graphics can keep steady and satisfying framerates, even with hundreds of characters on screen? Couldn't the developers of Odama have gone that route instead of having houses and rivers and gongs with such blurry polygon counts, that it really does feel like I'm playing a goddam DS game? Hell, I think even Metroid Pinball looked and played better than this shit...

Then again, that's not to say I don't enjoy Odama for what it's worth. Sure, I got bored of the novelty of the microphone orders real quick, and sure I really could've much used better production values (although the music soundtrack in the game is decent). But the concept of playing pinball with an entire fucking army backing you up is just so ingeniously bizarre in the end, that I really do enjoy squashing entire legions of enemies with a giant fucking pinball. Who the fuck wouldn't?...

I wish this game had been given a chance on the DS rather than the GC, but even so? Despite all of Odama's shortcomings, it is still a fun game. No matter how unnecessarily complicated that Nintendo of all companies ironically made it, since when has a pinball game ever truly failed at curing the occasional bout of boredom? It is an overly challenging pick up and play title, that still definitely should be considered a good look if you're bored of all the over-cloned game genres of this day and age...

Odama is a wacky and zany yet still entertaining and innovative game. It's a new series with a ton of potential, a game where if you really try and train hard enough, you really do start to feel like a virtual general. And you really do start to feel like a goddam Battlestar badass...

[c. visitors too bored to return...]
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