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Y2kk Update: Don't mind me, but I've got fathers on the brain. I mean, it's Christmas time, or the holiday season at least, and you know what that means. Or actually, you probably don't know what that means, unless you're one of those few who actually read my download site and care what I have to say, though that's besides the point... but anyhew, every Christmas of Christmas past, my dad has been severely depressed for one reason and one reason only: he misses his mommy. His mother died around the time I was born... I guess that certainly shows I'm a good luck, dead rabbit sort of charm... And every single Christmas, he complains to me about the littlest, most twinkle twinkie stuff in life, like how my mom doesn't cook as well as his mother did, or how we don't spread the Christmas cheer as well as before my father got married... Therefore, to say that I was expecting to weather my father's snowstorm yet again this Christmas was a bit of an understatement. And because of this, I did everything in my conscious power to make sure my dad didn't have yet another emotional breakdown this year... and, well... strangely enough, almost as a Christmas present, or as if Saint Nick forgot about me and all those relatively bad things I've done, nothing happened... nothing happened at all... and you know what? Without any fights, without any whining, without any three minute warning, and without anything to complain about on my websites, it almost feels like I've missed Christmas... it's almost as if Christmas was never here... sniff sniff... almost...

Well, if Christmas is meant to be about anything else than an annual house of hell and gel and jello and hellos, it's about movies. And considering 2002 seems to be the year of fathers in the movie business, it comes as no surprise that paternal themes comprised pretty much the whole preparation H of Gangs of New Year... or, um, Gangs of New York, the feel good epic of the year, starring Leonardo DiCaprio in his comeback role... And sure enough, the film did start out with a hell of a lot of promise. The marching music or whatever being played in the background during the starting sequence set the tone of the movie extremely well. Although it was a bit too cliche watching a son lose his innocence yet again through his father's death, and although I laughed at how bravely the starting sequence was trying to be Braveheart 2.5, it all did set the tone for an epic movie rather well. And in all honesty, I preferred Gangs Over New York much more than I did Lord of the Rings, which was essentially the only other epic I can remember being released in the past year or so... And while the starting sequence was astounding from my point of view, especially when it was used in flashback sequences to remind us of who each and every person was, I'm sorry to say that the rest of the film simply did not meet the high standards that the first act put forth.

That's not to say the movie as a whore and a whole didn't have it's moments. I mean, I can even remember two astounding scenes right off the bat... Now, Leo may not have had a bat at the time to give the film a real Yankee feel, but the scene where the Butcher is teaching Amsterdam how to kill a dead pig until it dies from the killing had the shear shilling, and rather chilling, raw ferocity, Mach 3 feel that only an epic film can yield. In fact, Billy the Butcher was perhaps the best villain since how-do-you-spell-your-first-name Phoenix became Emperor whats-his-name in Gladiator, a moment that I personally will never forget... and, well... In my no-name opinion, possibly the most powerful scene in any movie since Road to Perdition came when the Butcher talked to a naked Amsterdam in bed, although that doesn't exactly sound too good... I mean, how can a city be naked?... oh, nevermind... Anyhew, not only did I truly appreciate the Oedipal references going on there, with the Butcher ultra-sounding like the boy's surrogate father, and both men sharing Cameron Diaz as if she were the Freudian mother, but I also really have to give props to Leonardo's acting in this scene. He really did seem like he loathed himself as the Butcher spoke praise about DiCaprio's slain father, and there was a certain, raw fury in Amsterdam's eyes when the villain kissed him gently on the head, as if Leo was truly ready to Amster-damn his replacement father to hell... And altogether, I fully admit that Gangs of New York was the best tragedy film on screen since Gladiator, but alas, like all Shakepearean tragedies, it's such a Greek tragic travesty that the climax of the film always happens to be at the end of act 2, and not at the end of the movie... I awed at the Butcher's contained pain as he whipped knives at his mother's scarf or whatever was around Cameron Diaz's neck. I even laughed with the crowd as he made her dance with some well-placed blades at her feet. And although I thought Leo wasn't exactly intense enough in his attempt to murder his surrogate father, it did feel appropriate that the Butcher would let Amsterdam live, not only as a tribute to the only man he killed worth remembering, but also because he still saw DiCaprio as a son. And although words cannot describe how, I actually believed it for a moment, that he respected Amsterdam enough to let him live... even though it was justcliche evil again, letting the good guy escape from an overly elaborate and unnecessarily slow dipping mechanism death, just so he live to die another day in the end, but that's besides the point...

But after that, I'm afraid, just like with Gladiator's second half, the movie dragged on. Although it was cute to see Cameron Diaz holding a rifle at the mayor's head, although it was fun to watch the Butcher bash in the Sheriff's head with his own exclusive club, and although watching Leo kill his best friend out of mercy was kind of hackey sack amusing, the latter half of the movie simply could not live up to the first. While the first half suffered through horrible, inconsistant accents on both DiCaprio's and Diaz's behalf, at least I was able to forget about all that, along with that cliche Judas, traitor-threesome plotline and those bizarre love making scenes, all thanks to some real strong acting on the Butcher's part. But in the second half, the Butcher basically disappeared. Instead, we were left with Leo talking about raising an army of Irish, which really amounted to nothing in the end... Although I enjoyed the swordplay foreplay at the end of Gladiator, I really was hoping for an entire army to cross the Danube. And while I was looking forward to a Braveheart war scene with a lot of heart in Gangs of New York, I instead got cannons blowing up the armies the very moment they got in formation. Sure, it showed the futility of war, but let me be Dubya's advocate for a moment when I say, I want war! We were soldiers, and I want war! And even the one-on-one, rope-a-dope or doped up showdown that we got at the end was little more than anti-climatic. Instead of crossing the Danube, Gangs of New York crossed the denouement, whatever the hell that's supposed to mean... I mean sure, you can argue that the dust and fog of the final battle were spiritual symbols for Native America or some crap like that, but it was simply boring how Leo couldn't even fight back against his fatherly ghost, haunting him with hidden hits and sudden strikes. And hell, Amsterdam didn't even beat the villain. Instead, an anonymous cannon did the job, watching the father on the job, whatever the hell that's supposed to mean... But then again, I guess my feel for the whole ending sequence was already ruined and robbed by some pretty stupid mob decisions. I couldn't understand why the all-important black guy in the film was just roaming the streets while an anti-Union army was charging the Alamo. And okay, call me evil if you will, but I couldn't help but laugh at all those idiots running towards an entire array of Union guns, as if they didn't know what the outcome would be... Sure, I know mob stupidity happens like that all the time in real life, just like it used to be that the fastest route to San Francisco was all the way around South America. But honestly, the writers knew the latter would be comedic gold to the crowd, and they must've known the former would be Amster-goddam hilarious to a desensitized, war monger like me... and in the supposed climatic ending scene of what's supposed to be an epic film? That can't be good for business... that can't be good for anyone... except for that guy who got shot a million times just for a barrel of rum and laughs, but that's besides the point...

But I am being a bit too harsh on Gangs of New York. Overall, like I stated above, it was probably the best epic film since Gladiator, and I give it some real credit for holding my interest most of the way through. But suffice to say, short story short, after Gangs of New York, I felt like I definitely had my share of Leonardo DiCaprio for oh, about 1912 years or some crap like that... not to say his acting was bad. It was just that, well... he was kind of boring, most of the way through... Which was why I was so damn surprised when quite a few scenes in Catch Me If You Can, starring Leo once again, actually captivated me... although those scenes were definitely helped out by brilliant performances yet again by Tom Hanks, not to mention that fact that I've strangely been feeling tempermental sentimental lately, almost to the point of crying when I flipped the TV channel to Armageddon for the tiniest moment and heard the sappy music for just a brief second, but that's hopefully besides the point...

Simply put, Catch Me If You Can wasn't a brilliant movie, but it was a great Christmas movie, and actually made me forget I was sitting in a movie theatre for half the time. Because simply put yet again, for a year comprised of so many films dealing with fathers and sons, and sons of fathers, and sons of liberty and crap like that, it's kind of ironic that the only onscreen, paternal relationship that I did end up liking came about on Christmas day, almost the deadline of the annum of who's your daddy... Of course, my opinion of the film was both helped and skewered based on the fact that I had just survived Christmas without my dad yelling and twisting around my ears, but that's besides the point... The point is, I actually felt this movie had a point. It was the first movie of the year that I actually felt had a point to say... In my favourite scene, Frank Jr. calls Tom Hanks on Christmas Eve just to say he's sorry for making him feel like a fool. And the thing was, Leo actually did seem like he cared... but the real nail on the coffin came when Hanks realized why Leo was calling: because he had no-one else left to talk to... and that's all the chase is ever about. For the love of a father. For the love of a mother. And hopefully, for the love of yourself... And in all of Frank Jr's conversations with fathers, both with Frank Sr. and his surrogate father at the FBI, he really did seem like he was calling for help. And for some odd reason, I couldn't help but feel sympathetic, and catch a tissue if I can...

Okay, fine, there was one damn moment that I nearly shed a tear. In his last conversation with his real father, he pleaded for Frank Sr. to tell him to stop his life of lies, and yet his dad told him the exact opposite, that he can't stop, not anymore... And from that point on, after I recomposed myself, puffed my chest, cried Bling Bling, and slapped that tear off my cheek, everything in the film truly felt Midas 22 golden. I got scared when the FBI arrived at Frank Connor's wedding party, I snickered with the crowd when Tom Hanks saw that US bill just float by, I felt as disappointed as Frank did when Brenda showed up at the airport with the FBI in check, and I was even wondering what Leo would choose at the end, to call Carl's bluff or to slip on the cuffs... And although I thought the ending dragged on a bit (although it was necessary to show Frank had become a changed man, otherwise the real Abagnale could sue...), I did feel that Leonardo did an admiral (or Pam Am), though overzealous job of reacting to his father's death. And I simply loved the mutual respect in Hanks and DiCaprio's eyes at the end, with Carl taking Frank under his wing as the father he always wanted, and the model guy who never lied... though he never really did tell the truth, but that's besides the point...

That's not to say Catch Me If You Can didn't have its flaws. Although I did enjoy the substitute teacher routine near the start of the film, nothing else really happened in the first half... or at least, that's what I thought at first... Simply put, the genius of Catch Me If You Can was that unlike Road to Perdition, the film wasn't about the father teaching the son. It was about the son using those teachings to the greatest of potentials, making both the father and the audience proud. I never would've suspected at the start that such little things as the father's speech about two mice and the comment about why the Yankees always win would be so Amster-damn important by the end, and that's why I laughed so hard when the former returned as a prayer, the latter was the key that pegged Leonardo DiCaprio into a corner (and also a begging to catch him if he can), and my heart skipped a G-skip beat when skip the dog was declared officially dead or some crap like that...

And as you know, I'm a real 5-time sucker when the smallest timbits in films come back in full frontal force by the rear end, which is why I really, really, ridiculously feel Gangs of New York was the most powerful during its flashback moments, with the marching band music playing in the background, and that Irish Liam father holding a cross along the way, praying for strength from the same God as his enemy was. But alas, these little trinket reminders of the past disappeared by the end of Gangs of New York, and even the Christmas conversations became less and less sterling and important in Catch Me If You Can as the blimy, bling bling, subliminal years wore on. But the thing is, strangely enough, I'm actually starting to relate to not relating to relations from the past, relatively speaking I mean... because this Christmas has oddly ended up nothing like those of Christmas past, and because of this, I've suddenly become vexxed with the uncanny inability to remember any of the marching band music the last time I cried wolf on Christmas eve... I can't even recall the last sound of the howl and my stomach growl any longer, but that's besides the point... But oh well, AOL, I guess all good things must come to an end sometime, and in a just a few short days, so too will the year of 2002 be nothing more than a jaded, Slim Shaded memory, one that you can catch if you can, whatever the hell that's supposed to mean... And since this still is the holiday season, I might as well round my no-name reviews off with a hardy, generic, IvanFian seasons greetings to spread the good cheer... so God Speed, Good Will Hunting, and God Bless Us, Everyone... not like anyone reads this site, mind you...

Y2kk Update: Damn. My ass hurts. It really, really, ridiculously hurts. And it still hurts, two days after... well... you know what... or maybe you don't know what, considering it's not what it sounds like... or at least, I hope it isn't what it sounds like... But anyhew, two days and two nights ago, I wasted my evening hours reading at an Indigo bookstore not far from my university campus. But the thing was, there was nowhere to sit except on the ground, so what else could I do but bark and park my ass on the concrete floor and read all about it into the long, foggy, wispful night?... and really, I didn't think any harm would've be done. I've sat on the floor countless times before without any ill, adverse aftereffects... but that was then. This is now. And it's not like I've ever sat my ass on something so hard (or so hard on...) before for three hours straight or any crap like that, but that's besides the point... because the point is, by the end of the night, my ass really, really did hurt, although I know that doesn't sound too good...

But I couldn't help myself! It's a guy thing! Or call it a guy thing if you will, although I know that doesn't sound too good... But alas, the temptation island was simply too much for me to bare! I mean, new episodes of Stargate SG-1 had just returned to primetime television (or the skanky, suave, sly cooper internet for me), and I couldn't help but become a military vet-less freak all over again after watching this week's episode, Show and Tell. Something about that illegal gun shop the episode showed simply got the best of me, and thus I parked my ass on a cement floor for three hours straight, reading up about M203s alaunching, P90s awailing, M16s ajamming, M4 Carbines afiring, one OICW in testing, and a partridge in a sniper scope's tree... Of course, as much as it's a guy thing to act like the Harvey Planet Dailyson or whatever kind of crap when it comes to gun registries, truth be told, I really do suck at so-called guy things... I could never play Canadian hockey since I could never skate or survive a check, I could never compete in basketball because my arms were too scrawny to ever pass the ball, and when it came to guns, I absolutely never knew nothing about them, no matter how much I read, simply because I care more about the shows that showcase them rather than the actual showcase floors that house a mountain of rifles... or those lovely infomercials that claim by God, if Charles Heston did not have guns, could he have saved his people in Egypt?... I think not, but that's besides the NRA point...

And with that being said, I must admit, this week's episode, Show and Tell, was one of the greatest Stargate episodes I've seen in a quite a while, for sure topping my list of NID-based episodes (unless you count Prometheus as one, although that was more about the drool-worthy, X303 Enterprise than Colonel Simmons and co...). Right from the get go, Show and Tell had me captivated. Seeing Jack snipe Senator Kinsey at the start was mind-boggling to say the least, and simply because Jonas was so out of the loop, I so thoroughly enjoyed all the briefings about the top-secret, mimic devices from Foothold. And the dumbfoundedness didn't end there, because in all honesty, I thought Agent Barrett played his best role since... well... Wormhole Xtreme, but that's besides the point... I loved his little moves on Carter, protecting her body from the explosion one minute and then watching her take off her shirt the next. And to be honest, I didn't know whether this NID guy was being honest or not. I honestly did believe he was going to betray Carter, and that's why the scene where she tells him about the mimic devices, and when he reveals to her that the Senator is not dead, was quite efficiently effective from my point of view.

This episode left me guessing, all the way up until the end, and it was all helped by some strong performances by every member of the cast. General Hammond actually got to look serious for once, and Doc Frasier got to make some non-obvious discoveries for the first time since the Ancient was found Frozen. I absolutely loved the Teal'c moments, where he clotheslines the runaway doctor and interrogates him as only Teal'c can do. Jonas was great, especially in the scenes where he felt left out of the mimic device, know-how loop. His moment with Teal'c about learning to drive in 1969 was a wonderful touch, all beautifully touched off with a very atheletic Jonas jumping over a fence to catch the good doctor, I presume... Carter took charge this episode, and it suited her much better than in Nightwalkers, I thought. I kept second guessing myself whether her so-called "black widow" complex would end up haunting Agent Barrett, but then it would have to haunt Jonas as well, considering last week's episode, but I digress... And although I thought the ending sequence was a bit too awkward for my tastes, with the NID guy shapeshifting into Major Davis one moment and then relaying the tale to his superiors the next, it was all made up for by the brilliant finish to the end of the episode. Although Jack didn't get much action this episode (he even had to go fishing off-camera... alone...), his handshake at the finish said it all. I couldn't help but believe that Show and Tell had one of the most ominous endings I've ever seen since Enterprise's "Cold Front", Suliban episode last Christmas, as the look in Jack's eyes when Senator Kinsey told him to smile was simply priceless, and even got chills running down my spinal tap and feet... if feet get chills, that is... and wow, I couldn't help but think at the end that the Senator had actually planned this all out, of becoming the weakest link, only to look like a hero in the end. And quite honestly, with the way the political world is turning right now, I can't help but feel this episode touches a little too close to home for close comfort... although I've never really been one to complain about politics, but that's besides the moot, mute point...

It's the little things in life I cherish, and probably the thing I remember most from this week's episode of Enterprise, the Catwalk, was the weird moment when a very eerie Captain Archer tells some frightened crew member that the first Vulcan Ambassador to earth was named "Sokar", a name straight out of Stargate and Egyptian data-lore (see? I can still pun!... or, um, maybe not...)... But that's not to say I didn't like The Catwalk. Quite the opposite actually, because it was one of my favourite episodes of the entire year so far. The special effects were some of the best since Cold Front (which I mentioned earlier), as even though the storm didn't look even a few hundred meters high (couldn't the Enterprise just fly over it at Warp 5?), its brilliant little light show did have a certain Christmas effect on me... And critique me if you will, not like anyone ever reads this website, but I liked the premise of getting all the crew together on a DS9-like promenade, all without a shower to keep their temperaments in check. I liked the disgust in Malcolm's eyes when he condemned Trip and his engineers' lack of forethought, and considering Trip is my hero, how could I not possibly like that sinister look he gave back to possibly his best friend on the entire ship? Hoshi didn't have much to say this episode, except reaffirm her claustrophic nature like I do everytime I see an elevator, but T'Pol on the other hand had a few sly moments from here and there, paying attention to that crappy, full screen movie night near the ending, and refusing to let Mayweather break off from the Eddy current or however you spell that tornado, sore thumb thingy. And for once, just for once, Mayweather actually had something to do. Sure, he didn't get much character development, considering the only thing he really got to mutter was how scared he was in a type 3 storm long time ago in a galaxy far far away, but whenever Travis gets to show up on screen for more than one scene without his shirt off or his body being dead? Take it or leave it I say, because this is the best he's done since Fortunate Son, which unfortunately was a vey bad episode last year...

In my eyes, the Catwalk was a cakewalk of an entertaining episode to me, not only because Archer had a palmpilot with DVD quality video that I wished I had, but because I also thought the villains suited their purpose as well. Whatever the aliens of the week were called, I thought they posed a much better imposing presence than the Tandarans, the Mazarites (who were referenced yet again in this episode), or even the slinky Suliban ever did. And that mostly had to do with the brilliantly stern, alien captain sitting in Archer's chair, the one with the deep bass voice I'm sure I've heard on Voyager sometime before (although I must've locked the episode out of memory with all those other horrid Voyager episodes I don't remember). The alien captain may have been a one dimensional character, but at least he looked threatening. In fact, his entire militia looked like battle-hardened gunmen, just by the way their eyes and skulls were eeriely shaped. And although in the end the aliens did kinda suck at firing weapons, considering they couldn't even hit Archer in a massive EV suit, ducking below some open-ended kitchen utensils, I do feel this new race has a lot of potential at becoming the next equivalent of the Klingon empire (considering they've kept the Klingons as idiots in the Enterprise series). This all culminated in a predicatable yet tense moment, where the Catwalk's manifolds or whatever are firing up to cook the crew, and in all honesty, if I was writing this episode, I wouldn't have changed a thing... although I guess that shows a lack of imagination on my behalf more than praise for this episode, but that's besides the point... and, wow. I really have a lot of points beside the point this week, but that's also besides the point...

And that's also somewhat the main reason why I really, really, ridiculously must stop reading the Buffy the Vampire Slayer forums. Because it diverges my thoughts, fault-lines my faults, and I can't help venting my frustrations about all those people on the net who continue to vent, week after week, how they could've written and directed each and every episodes better than Mutant Enemy or whoever runs the show these days. And this week's episode, Bring On the Night, was definitely no exception... because the thing was, I liked this episode, and why? Well, mostly because of the Terminator homage near the end, where an injured Buffy hobbled and wobbled into a factory followed by the Ubervamp and the sound of clanking, chiming music, but I digress... Because even though I loved this episode, my fun with it was ruined shortly after by all the complaining bourgeois on the internet forums. I mean, the places I checked had two great gripes: first of all, they couldn't stand how Druscilla was calling Spike "daddy", and why? Because she used to always call Angel 'daddy', and always called Spike something else. And just being of this pathetically mute, Kevin Mitnick nitpick, so many people complained that they hated what the writers have done to Druscilla, even though it technically wasn't Druscilla on the stage that evening... And many people claimed that if only they had written this episode, they would've done things right... And the second grape of gripeful wrath they couldn't help but sour? They complained that trying to drown Spike was a waste of time, even though that was stated as the point in the episode. Because you see, even though Spike smokes, vampires are not supposed to breathe. And thus, the internet complained that if they had written this episode, that Spike would've been drowned in holy water on a cross or some crap like that, and not in normal water, which by their unbreakable laws of Unbreakable, should not affect a damn, damned vampire one damn bit... And, well, it's always funny to hear people's complaints now and then, but hearing about all these geekdom nitpicks really killed my enthousiasm for Star Trek Nemesis, which I still hope to see next week, and is really slowly, softly killing my love for Buffy... but I've got a theory! It could be forums... so really, I should just quite reading all those crap forums, right?... well... it's much more easily said than done, I'm afraid...

Because I'm addicted to Buffy, I'm addicted to wasting my free time reading up on the internet, and truth be told, as angry as I get at those invisible people on the other side of the world wide web, I'm still addicted to their aristrocratic opinions, simply because they still couldn't change most of my opinion on this week's episode of Buffy. I still think it was the best angsty episode of the year, or at least was on par with Conversations with Dead People (which I committed to and loved after the third viewing or something). Every member of the cast had some decent lines, even if they didn't get much decent action. Dawn got to slap Andrew, Xander mentioned the mummy hand loop, and Willow got to go evil again (after-witch which I actually felt for her cause for once, when she was begging Buffy not to let her hurt anyone). As always, I loved Andrew's antics, as he bonded over Wonder Woman with Xander, and had a burstful blurt out while Giles was talking about the council being destroyed... And as for Giles himeself, it's hard to make out what he is and isn't. It's hard to believe Giles would have such a meaningless death, but yet he didn't touch anything in this episode (except to lean on walls and sit on chairs, both of which can be done without actually touching anything), and he played his character with a certain coy coldness to it... While both dead Joyce and possibly dead Giles both kept telling Buffy to get some sleep, their messages were a bit schizophrenic. Buffy's mom told her that her friends put too much pressure on her, while Giles kept telling her the pressure's all on her. And sure, I'm sure Giles will be found okay in the end, but still, was it me or did the Ubervamp seem more afraid of rushing, jiving Giles than the rising crust Sun when he was creeping out of his little man-hole?... Spike got a few good lines this episode as well, telling the First Evil that Dru was crazier than her, although him believing in, um, Buffy believing in him, was a bit too corny for me to personally believe in, but that's besides the point... But honestly, the reason why I loved this episode so much, was simply because of one guy thing: that Buffy got to kick ass in style, and had some of her best fight scenes since God knows when. The Ubervamp went all Matrix style on her, jumping off of walls, doing bizarro monkey flips, and knocking her pretty ass through a concrete wall, so honestly, how could I possibly not love such sport? I don't know if it's become a grrl thing, but fight scenes like this are definitely a guy thing, of dreaming of projecting a fist or a fistacuff through the lower extremities of a woman as if it were... um... you know what... or maybe you don't know what, so nevermind... I should really shut up here right about now...

And the greatest part of it all? Besides Kennedy looking like quite a looker of a lesbian hooker (and Molly having the worst accent I've ever heard next to mine), this episode had it all when it comes to being a guy. It all started out with a soft spoken Buffy, only to end it all with her ass hurting as much as mine. Enterprise had all that I could ever ask for this week, considering it all started out with Archer being an ass, ending with a kick ass ride through a cosmic thunderstorm, and 83 crewman getting their asses cooked like cats in a Chinese restaurant... and honestly, with guns and runs and, um, more guns galore, how could I possibly stay mad with Stargate SG-1? Not that I was ever mad at that show, but I digress... Now, there were no swollen asses in that episode, except Carter getting her butt covered by an all too eager to die, Agent Barrett, but that's just a small gripe in an episode coloured by peaks and perks of indigo colour... And honestly, after a week where my ass hurts like hell, though hopefully not for the reasons that first come to mind, how can I possibly not love episodes for guys who like episodes?... except if my ass does hurt for reasons I strangely can't fork out of my mind, but that's besides the point...

Y2kk Update: Yeah, I know. My conscience won't let me forget. I'm still in the midst of merry-go exam season, and considering I have an exam tomorrow, I really shouldn't be wasting my precious time writing precious reviews on Precious Cargo and other not-so-precious Enterprise episodes like that... especially considering nobody ever reads my crap reviews anyhew, but that's besides the point... Then again, my exam tomorrow is my North American History one, and considering I haven't written any spontaneous essays on the spot lately, I thought a good dose of vitamin IvanF and an indecently decent Y2kk update would be good for the soup and good for my chicken soul, even if my incohesive writing pretty much sucks the sight unseen... And therefore, by that logic, I should be condemning myself for condemning myself for writing this update, right?... whatever the hell that's supposed to me... I think I'm confusing myself because I'm semi-evil... or semi-illiterate for that matter... Or maybe I should just shut up now and get down to business? Just like Charles Tucker the third did this week.

I was looking forward to this week's episode of Enterprise, Precious Cargo, not because I thought the episode would be good or anything, but because Buffy's been in rerun season for a while, and I couldn't get my new episode fix last week thanks to Enterprise running a rerun marathon as well... Anyhew, I wasn't expected any sparks or Shakespearean moments in Precious Cargo or anything. I just wanted something to watch to get my mind off the heckles and hassles and Pringles of not studying, and lo and behold, that's exactly what I got. I got an episode that was so downright cliche and downright stupid, that I couldn't help but laugh all the way through it. And it was like a dose of magic. Some really stupid magic, but that's besides the point... The scenes between Tucker and the alien monarch (who couldn't even pronounce properly with a universal translator) were simply hilarious. Of course it had to be a beautiful maiden that Trip rescues from the kidnappers. Of course the two of them get stuck in an escape pod with room for one. Of course she has to rip off her dress and expose her legs before she can step into the pod. And of course, the pod just has to land on a jungle planet, where the man and maiden sweat 'till they drop on the floor and give each other twenty... And oh God, did I laugh at the sheer cliche nature of her highness slapping Trip at first, slapping Trip a second time, then going in for the most passionless kiss I've ever seen in my life. It honestly felt more wooden than the Padme and Anakin love scenes in Attack of the Clones, and yet I loved every minute of their 0.16 second love scene. I felt like I was watching some messed up mix of last year's Rogue Planet and Voyager's atrocious Warp 10 episode (the one where amphibian Tom Paris has babies with amphibian Captain Janeway), and yet because of my seasonal delusional state, I was loving every minute of it. I loved the scene where Archer turned the mess-hall into a tribunal or whatever, even though it hurt my brain thinking about how stupid that alien kidnapper had to be to believe it all. I couldn't helped but peak, both in curiousity and, well... more ways than one... when Hoshi gave Trip the look... you know, the look... for giving the long look at the frozen girl through the looking glass. And oh, how can you not love the coolness of Malcolm as he escorted the alien dude back to his ship, as if it was a leisurely walk through Central Perk Park? How could you not enjoy the stupidity of Mayweather for not steering the ship clear of the green gas or whatever, before getting axed from the rest of the episode? Simply put, I was starved for an episode, any sort of new episode that I could find, no matter how bad, to divert my attention away from Royal Tedious, Tenous Bomb studying. And lo and behold, that's exactly what I got. That's exactly what Enterprise delivered, and I ain't complaining.

Okay, so I did start complaining after Precious Cargo went off the air and my brain finally kicked into gear. So sue me. And in my cringeful chagrin, I checked the trusty internet, and lo and behold, my real prayers were answered... Because without me knowing, right under my unwitting nose, new episodes of Stargate SG-1 had started airing in the US or wherever season 6 is playing right now. Suffice to say, I dedicated the next few hours of my life to illegally downloading Unnatural Selection on my 33.6 modem connection, decidedly and decently watching the download completion bar slowing inch towards completion, instead of opening up a can of whoopass on any of the half dozen textbooks laying by my bed... and, well. Was the long wait worth it?

Suffice to say, Unnnatural Selection had a rather unnatural feel to it. Short story short, I was expecting an episode of action, with Replicators showing up everywhere, considering they just did conquer a Asgard homeworld. In the end, what I got was possibly much better than I anticipated, although it required a night's worth of rest for it to finally register in my head. The only action sequence we did get was the shot where... um, O'Neil and co. shot right through the nanite-like Replicator people. Although I would've preferred some special effects where the Replicator Reese wannabes or whatever are blown to bits, only to reform seconds later, I suppose being invincible period allowed them to better make their point of, um... being invincible, or whatever their point was supposed to be... I must admit though, for a Replicator episode, I didn't expect such a tugging and mugging of the emotions. I mean, even though the ending felt rushed, I couldn't help but feel sorry for the Fifth. Sure, he was evil... or maybe semi-evil... the Diet Coke of the Replicator Borg... but being born evil wasn't his fault. He really wanted to do good and be good. He really wanted to help complete strangers over his evil brothers and sisters, as he trusted Carter, almost like a child... or almost like a naive me following any of my black widow crushes, but I digress... And the look on his face the very moment before he got frozen in time? Priceless. Timeless. I can still hear his voice echoing in the back of my mind, "... but she promised...", as if his poor little, Tin Man heart was broken in two... or a sextillion nanite pieces or whatever... and my poor heart was broken as well, as I felt a tug at the corner of my eye, only to have it pushed back by a Tom hardy, evil laugh from my ever jubilant, joyous mouth... And while the latter half was nicely dramatic with a great finish (I loved how O'Neil pretended not to care about leaving "Fifth" behind, yet couldn't allow the chemical implant guy in the "Fifth Man" last year to sacrifice himself for the team), who would've thought that all my angst could've been cured by the wondrous comedy of the first half? Honestly, while Enterprise purposely yet adoringly perpetrated one of its worst ever episodes this week, I couldn't help but chuckle for maybe five minutes straight at Carter shooting down O'Neil's request: "... Sir... We can't call the ship, Enterprise!"... The only other two jokes that had my giggling were the number one speed-dial thingy with General Hammond (who seemed a little too happy to see hologram O'Neil if you ask me...), and the fact that Teal'c wouldn't even share his melted ice cream with his fishing friend... ah, good times... And altogether, although Unnatural Selection was a bit too schizophrenic for my tastes, with a light-hearted first half and quite a dark, twisted second half, I still throughly enjoyed this episode, even though I could never figure out why the Replicators made their "First" look like an old man... or why the evil leader always must have a British acccent, but that's besides the point...

And ode to joy, the Gap's "happy holidays" are here, because the Stargate SG-1 running man marathon didn't stop there. What did I find online this morning, but this week's episode, Sight Unseen? And simply put, even though I was still going through the motions from poor, inhuman Fifth getting lost in time (although with only a time dilation of 10 to the power of 4, my spidy sense tells me he might be looking for revenge in oh, about an earth year...), Sight Unseen still got quite a positive reaction from me. Because simply put, for the first time in a long time, I thought a sci-fi show actually conjured a brilliant new idea, or at least, one that I've never thought of before. Even though it was just a twist from the everyday alternate dimension crap, it did catch me by surprise how the Ancient's device was causing the SG team to see other worldly creatures that really are all around us, all the time... And simply put, when I'm caught by surprise, how can I not give two thumbs up as a Sign of good faith and embarrassed humility (now there's a pun!... um, nevermind...)? Not to mention the fact that I would've never thought the sight ability would've been passed on hand to hand like a charge, but that's besides the point... And the thing was, maybe I was just still jittery and jumpy from having evil Replicator Borg dancing in my head all night, but the first half of Sight Unseen really did freak me out. I mean, even though we can't touch them, even though we can't hear or see them, it's still kind of freaky to think that massive bugs of all things are creeping and crawling all around us. And honestly, if this episode had aired around Halloween or anything, I'm sure they would've made it a ghost story or something, with the device making us see alternate dimension Kawalski and Charlie walking through walls or some crap like that. Call me nutty if you will, but I have an insane aversion to bugs, especially the ones I'm not big enough to squash. And call me wimpy if you will, but I honestly freaked out when the stupid caterpillers showed up all over the Stargate iris controls. And honestly, even Signs didn't make me jump this much... actually, I laughed as much in Signs at the stupid aliens as I did at this week's episode of Enterprise, but that's besides the point...

Character wise, Sight Unseen was a joyous sight as well. Although I found Carter shooting down O'Neil's fishing offer for the third time rather out of place, I couldn't help but think of fond memories of The Curse when Teal'c quietly mentioned to Jonas that he should be glad Jack never offered the same to him... Although I kind of was too freaked out to notice Carter apologizing to Jonas in the lab, it was kind of touching to see how quickly Carter chose to hold his hand when the non-drugged up mother told them they were a cute couple. And actually, if you asked me, I'd say that Sam seems more compatible with Jonas than anyone else on the base, although the Sam and Jack "shippers" on the internet will really have my head for saying that, not like anyone ever reads this website anyhew... And although the latter half of the episode wasn't as tense to terrified me as the first half, I did enjoy some of the crazy antics around Colorado, with the bug sucking on the SUV's windshield, with the Gulf War syndrome veteren cringing at his broken gas station sign, and with Jack spouting tales of Alf's merry Melmac while hanging around in Anderson airlines...

Altogether, since I didn't expect Stargate SG-1 to return until January, I was most pleased with the pleasant surprise of not just one, but two new episodes showing up on my doorstep for an early Christmas. I'm also fortunate that the Fifth didn't get it on with his would-be rescuerer, Carter, in a Dagobah type setting with alternate dimensional worms running up and down the trees like a certain other sci-fi show demonstrated this week, but that's besides the point... The point is, I just procrastinated from studying for a good hour, and out of all pleasant surprise thingies this week, that strangely enough makes me the happiest... as long as I don't start seeing signs of sights unseen, but that's besides the Merrimac point...

Y2kk Update: As you can already see (or, um, maybe not see, considering this is the first line of my update), I'm in no real Russia rush or roulette hurry to finish this week's no-name update. The fact of the matter is, I have no initiative (no pun intended... or, wait, there was no pun... or was there?... um, nevermind...). I have no drive. Buffy the Vampire Slayer is now officially done its new episodes up until January, and considering I have no movies to review until after exam time (and since I only waste my exam time writing updates nobody ever reads), that leaves me with little more than Enterprise to review up until jolly good Saint Nick comes knocking at my door. So what's going to happen is that I'm going to run through my Buffy and Enterprise reviews of the week, take a week off next week, and hopefully make a triumphant return two or three weeks from now with a triumvirate of Enterprise reviews (not to mention Nemesis, but that may not be for a while). Or if I'm lucky, maybe Buffy will tease us with a new episode in late December or something, with the return of the initiative or some crap like that (I knew there was a pun!... okay, I'll shut up now)... or so I can wish, if I really do want to write no-name nothings for the next few weeks...

There's just one thing bugging me about the forums this week... Now, don't get me wrong. Obviously, since I review BTVS week in, week out, I love the show till death do us part. But the thing is, I've never really gotten what modern geeks love about Buffy so damn much. I mean, I spent the better half of yesterday studying Star Trek Nemesis early bird reviews rather than study for my programming quiz, and the thing that got me so rattled up at Aint it Cool News was the trendy, double standard that practically ever single poster seemed to have. They all slurred and insulted the Nemesis script (since of course, they had all aristocratically spoiled themselves by reading the draft available on the net), claiming that it was the worst turd they've ever reviewed since... well... Insurrection... or even Voyager... and that's pretty cruel... And for a while, they had me going. For a while, I actually believed these fellow online nerds of mine opinions, that Nemesis was the first even number Trek film to truly prune juice aplomb... and then of course, those Aint-It-Cool, not-so-cool bastards just had to lose all their credibility by a) claiming Star Trek should be more like Lord of the Rings (a movie I find aestically pleasing, giftedly directed, but absolutely nothing more), b) claiming Star Trek should be more like the Matrix (a movie that was so gospel, preachy, and trendy in its storyline that the only part I could bare to watch was the final fist fight against Agent Smith), c) claiming Star Trek should be more like Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back (the only film to ever actually put me to sleep both in my childhood and my adulthood), d) claiming Star Trek 6: The Undiscovered Country sucked ass (which was actually my favourite Trek movie, simply because the Klingon General's bizarre Shakespearean obsession was just so damn cool), and by e) claiming Enterprise, The Next Generation, Star Trek Generations, First Contact, and my beloved Stargate SG-1 all goddam sucked... and, um... as I said, there goes their credibility out the window, at least from my point of callous view... because wow, these uber cool nerds really do like a lot, don't they? Especially since they ignored the fact that practically every sci-fi show since Star Trek took the Trek formula and simply made it cool to sell their image off. These online critics are just so open minded and so open winded, that it's so damn easy to please their innermost desires, I can tell you that... Just get me a pair of handcuffs, some lubricant, and a single wish, and I'll make all their dreamy puns come true... or, um, not exactly me per say, because, um, that doesn't exactly sound too good, so... um... nevermind...

But the thing that really got me, was that most of those damn AICN posters actually complimented Buffy the Vampire Slayer! They hated every other series I liked, yet they loved Sarah Michelle Gellar (without admitting they loved Sarah Michelle Gellar, mind you)? So the thing I must ask is, why is Buffy the Vampire Slayer supposedly so damn good? Sure, metaphors are always cool to, um, demetaphorsize or whatever kind of onion unravelling crap, and BTVS is stockpiled full of them (mostly related to girly teen angst, though). But metaphors are everywhere, in every shape and show and snow-covered colour. So the debate remains, what makes the metaphors in Buffy, Matrix, and Lord of the Rings so damn cool to these science-fiction-philes? And the thing is, I basically just answered my own question. Nerds want to be cool, like superheroes, except without the crotch revealing underwear and all the goody two shoes crap. Buffy is grrrl power mixed with bad-ass demons. Matrix gives hope to geeks, that hacking paves way to enlightenment or massacring or some crap like that. And who knows why the Oedipal quest crap in fantasy movies is so popular these days, and who knows? Maybe Lord of the Rings' fanfare will actually die out before the third movie even makes it to theatres? And yet none of the posters on the forums commented even once on this pattern of "coolness"... instead, they talked about camera shots, continuity between episodes, realistic physics, actor reputation and nobility, natural character chemistry and interaction, and fiscal, superficial crap like that, as if they were measuring sci-fi like it was anything but sci-fi, the stuff that dreams are made of... They were measuring it all as the stuff we nerds wished we were actually about (no pun intended... wait, there wasn't a pun there either... oh, nevermind...). They were measuring it all, as if they wanted to be real.

Anyhew, even though I personally enjoy Enterprise more than Buffy, that's not to say that I can't go without my Sarah Michelle Gellar fix of the week. This week's episode, "Never Leave Me", may have a title so vague that pondering over it may never leave my mind, but it was also definitely a good episode to end November sweeps with, although I don't exactly think it was a good episode to end the first half of the season with. Running through the cast, Spike was at the top of his game this episode, giving insight into souls being about pain and self-loathing and crap like that. Buffy had a good role this episode as well, showing concern for Spike and yet showing contempt and mistrust as well. Although I didn't exactly enjoy the moment where she told Spike that she believed in him (since just last week on my download site, I cried out that I don't want people to believe in me, but rather care about me, although I guess Buffy did to an extent, with a certain morale highground advantage about her), I did enjoy her overall chemistry with James Marsters, as he talked about pain being relative and how she doesn't know the real him, or what he's done to girls Dawn's age. Dawn didn't factor much into this episode, although for some odd reason, she was able to kick the Harbringer's butts in the end better than anybody else. Xander wasn't very important except for tool talk, although his little interrogation of Andrew is worth a second watch. Anya did nothing but slap Andrew silly, but it was still pretty damn funny to see her riding on Andrew, a beautiful woman rolling with a nerd like me, as if all my wishes had just come true (You see? There's the pun! Or maybe not... okay, um, I'll just shut up now...).

The overall plot of the episode however, was a little too cliche for me. After all the build-up in Conversations with Dead People, the seal in the high school basement still didn't get enough blood to open up? I mean, sure it lead to such wonderous lines as Babe 2 being highly overrated and Obi Wan Warren being a Patrick Swayze, but everything was all rather anti-climatic in the end. The First Evil (now confirmed to be the baddie) has harbringers attacking Watchers all across the world, yet it doesn't send in an army to finish off Willow or Buffy? It could control Spike using a song as a trigger, yet didn't bother using him to slay sacrifices on the seal (unless slurping down half of Sunnydale was what the First Evil needed in Spike)? And sure, seeing the Watcher's Council blow up or whatever was pretty unexpected, but I wasn't thrown off from the surprise. Instead, I was thrown off the track onto tacks because I wasn't sure if it was the council that actually did blow up, since it didn't show Quetin or whoever with an explosion behind his back, and because cheap computer effects made the blown up building look like something else then it was, whatever the hell it was (unless that's what the writers wanted us to perceive). In the end, although the set up of this season was brilliant, the mid-season pay off just didn't deliver big enough for me. The ubervamp or whatever didn't look any more threatening than the Master Vamp or the Demon running around Rain of Fire LA right now. The Harbringers were beaten up by the Slayer's sister with a pole. The First Evil still can't do anything but smirk and compliment snarky Spike without his shirt. And I still haven't seen all my favourites from the past, like the Mayor, Adam (even though girl fans thought he was so boring), or enough from Warren (the real Warren, at least). I guess my expectations were raised far too high from stellar November sweeps and rampant speculation, because alas... alack. Amy Acker, Ecks vs Sever, and whatever acks kind of crap... just like the First Evil, the climax in the end was all talk and not so much go. It simply did not steal the show. But to steal a cliche, it's not them. It's me. Because I still don't know why the hell everyone loves Buffy, or what the hell makes Buffy the Vampire Slayer so great in the hierarchy of sci-fi.

But I guess that's just me, being an Enterprise fan and all. The only weird thing about Enterprise though, is that the writers don't seem to try very hard during November sweeps. Not exactly sure why. Sure, I feel lucky that new episodes will continue ruining through December, but still, it just feels weird that they simply did not put much effort into this week's episode, "Vanishing Point". That's not to say I didn't like this episode. In fact, I kinda loved it, although for the wrong reasons. Reasons being, Hoshi the hottie was half naked, stuck in her cute as a button, cotton pants and exercise top, for half of the whole show. The scenes where she took off her robe for a shower, and where she conviently drapes down her hair right before going transparant, all managed to get me aroused. But the thing is, besides the obvious sex appeal, there really wasn't much to this Enterprise episode. Mayweather was once again invisible (no pun intended... ha! This actually was a pun!), Archer didn't do much except have a really bad conversation with Hoshi's father, Reed was a non-factor, and the aliens of the week didn't really show up until the last act of the show. However, Phlox had quite a few good scenes, going with his evil sneaky sneer at the start, than transforming to his warm, teddy bear Roosevelt self by the end. Tucker was featured prominantly in Hoshi's fantasy, as if she has some crush brewing for the engineer or some crap like that. I mean, why else would she dream of Trip alone with her cellular goo residue, only thinking about her (although you can make similar crush arguments about Archer noticing the morse code, Reed using the transporter, and Mayweather, um, just being there... or lack thereof...)? And then there's evil T'Pol, who seemed to pose a threat to Hoshi at three different times in the dreams. First, she stared unnecessarily evily at Hoshi on the bridge after she woke up late. Second, she sort of rubbed it in Hoshi's face that crewman whatever figured out the simple alien language. And thirdly, T'Pol convinced Archer that the morse code was nothing more than a malfunction, pulling the captain away from a very adorable Hoshi, who was jumping in her spot, fidgeting away with her fingers and tinkering with the Christmas lights. And the moral of this romance story? It really seems to me like a feud is brewing between the two female leads on the show. Hoshi can't decide between Tucker and Reed, and T'Pol can't decide between Trip and Archer... and poor Mayweather is left with nothing to do but fill Reed's old shoes and turn amigously gay... or maybe, in the end, the two girls will get together on a coffee table, no pun intended (since there is no pun), since sugar and spice and, um, everything useless unless you're baking, that's what dreams are made for...

Of course, I can complain about all the technical nitpicks of this episode, like how Hoshi can sit on railings and hear her footsteps while she's phase-cloaked, but then I would have to rip apart every single sci-fi show that's ever done the same (and that's a hell of a lot). And besides, the whole ordeal ended up being one big dream sequence anyways, which was both kind of a relief and kind of a disappointment. Simply put, both Buffy and Enterprise this week had decent episodes that simply did not have decent finishes. Buffy didn't have a cool showdown like Wesley did riding shotgun in Angel (although that doesn't sound too good), while all Hoshi did in the end was jump onto a transporter in her mind and show up exactly where she left off. Sure, it was a nice chance of pace to have an episode where the crew mistrusted the transporter again, and of course it was nice to see Hoshi conviently get half baked, half naked right before she went Invisible Woman (although technically, shouldn't her clothes have fallen off?... hmmm.... mmm... I wish, but, um, nevermind... it's been a long night...). And if this keeps up, Linda Park may very well replace Nicole Deboer at the top of my list of favourite Star Trek actresses, although that'll probably require a future dress-down in a movie theatre, but that's besides the point... The point is, with naked Hoshi, Romulan Birds of Prey, and Evil Phlox all running around Enterprise this season, how the hell can uber nerds possibly say the show sucks? It's almost like Star Trek: Original Series fans grew up and became the very same people that made fun of them for so many years. Either that, or Star Trek V and Voyager scarred them for life, which would actually explain a hell of a lot... and, well...

That's the process of maturity, I suppose. That's the progress of aging. That's the wish of the Naked Now, no pun intended... although, um... let me guess... no pun again?... because ay, there lies the rub... an anti-climatic Y2kk finish for no-name me. How's that for IvanFian irony? Of having no initiative, and having no end? Of simply having nothing left to dream, to dare to dream, except to wish?... no pun intended, of course...