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Y2kk Update: I've written a hell of a lot about video games over the past year, now haven't I?... more than I thought I would've ever written when I started this website of mine... I mean, when I founded this noname site that nobody ever reads, I did it with the sole intention of writing about television Star Trek episodes and the odd movie review or two (and to back up some of my university work, I guess)... and hell, I even wrote my first video game reviews on my Tweakui site, not this noname site, because I never really had the intention of writing endlessly about my favourite hobby of all time on my newest website... and yet?...

And yet, since it is my favourite hobby, I've been devoting more and more of my leisure time to writing on this very website of mine about what I play, almost to the point where I don't play most of my games even a second time through (or even a first time through, as I'm now starting to get quite a backlog of games)... while I'm sure this mindset of mine will eventually become a beast of burden on my shoulders, the fact of the matter is... right now, writing about games, and collecting as many games with all my money (which is why I have none left to waste on watching movies in theatres, hence the recent minimal amount of movie reviews), is just as fun to me as the majority of video games out there today (although having a ton of free time to summer to dedicate to certain games, really made even the worst of the bunch seem like stars at times... and school obviously made even some of the best games feel like turds...).

So is it any wonder that I've been planning my own IvanFian Video Games Award Ceremony for the past half year or so? And voila! What do you know? It's finally time to announce the winners of the best games I played all year in the year 2003 (meaning, I'll only include games here that I started playing in 2003 after the holiday season, so this list therefore includes Halo, and excludes Metroid Prime... though for record's sake, Metroid Prime was my favourite game of 2002, followed by Super Mario Sunshine...)...

Best Game of the Year - The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker (Gamecube)
Runners-up: 1 - Star Wars: Knights of the Old Repbulic (Xbox), 2 - Mario Kart: Double Dash (Gamecube)

Is it any wonder that Zelda made it through the entire year as my game of the year? Yes, in some retrospects, I sort of wish I didn't give the game a perfect 10 out of 10 rating... I mean, never in my wildest dreams when I wrote my review, did I think the hardcore would be so damn harsh on the game for the lack of dungeons, the incredibly easy bosses, and the derivative-feeling triforce hunting... and while I do agree with those complaints to some extent, I completely don't agree with the internet's final (and definitely most prevalent) one: that the sailing in the game is simply, completely, goddam boring... To me, it's as if the net completely missed the point of The Wind Waker, as if they've been too busy with games that pretend to be epic, only to really be as small and linear as a 2d platformer from the SNES days... And even though in some sense, Wind Waker does not deserve a perfect score, if only because it was not a flawless game, I also remember that Zelda: Ocarina of Time was not a flawless game (and quite hated on the internet as well for a time), yet I would not hesitate to ever agree that it still deserves the 10/10 scores that it got from so many publications all across the board... and why? Because the game outlasted its detractors. And because it exceeded even my wildest expectations, no matter how high they climbed from Zelda: A Link to the Past... And although I won't know for years whether The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker will accomplish the same, at least I know this: that out of all the games that I nominated for best game of the year this year, Zelda is the only game that I still fondly think back of to this very day... I still stand by what I said in my initial review: that while The Wind Waker has its flaws, what it does well is simply so damn polished, that not even a perfect score can give the game any sort of justice... This year's Zelda has given me some of my finest gaming experiences and memories ever, as the first scenes in Hyrule Castle, the first encounter with Ganondorf, and the entire Atlantian final battle was more than just breathtaking... it felt more than just classic... it indeed did feel like Zelda... it brought back a sense of joy and excitement and anxiety within me, one of which I haven't felt since Ocarina of Time... and not since I was a kid... and if that isn't worth the best game of the year award, then what is?

As for my runners-up... Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic shocked me. I started the game, expecting just another crappy Star Wars rip off, despite all the clamour and favour the game seemed to have on the internet boards... but the thing is, the beauty of the game's intricate plotline, combined with its incredibly huge worlds to discover, made Bioware's first RPG foray into the Xbox world truly a breath to behold... and hell, for quite a long while, I even considered giving this game the best game of the year award, as even I admit, despite the game's RPG d20 roots, it just felt a lot more innovative and revolutionary than Wind Waker ever did... but thanks to all the horrible, game ending bugs in Knights of the Old Republic, thanks to the choppy framerates and the horrid control scheme, and thanks to the easy factor of the game in the end (well... it was easier than Wind Waker for me at least...), I just couldn't ever admit that this game belongs as my Best Game of the Year, especially against the Wind Waker, which already ranks as one of my favourite games of all time, if not my favourite game of all time already...

And as for the second runner-up, Mario Kart: Double Dash provided perhaps the most fun I've had in a multiplayer game all year long (although Halo co-op was a close second). I simply loved Shine Theft against three other guys, 4 player co-op GP was the freshest racing experience I've had in years, and I bet I'd love 8 or 16 player racing too, if only I tried the game over LAN or the Warp Pipe online project (I'll wait for Xlink Kai though, thank you very much...). But in the end, Mario Kart was plagued by some boring battle maps, some less than average battle modes (I thought bomb ombing would be fun, but not on the stages we were given), the music and sound effects left much to be desired, and while I love 2 player GP mode, the fact of the matter is, Mario Kart was quite a shallow single player experience in the end... While I can't say I'll ever remember Double Dash as fondly as I do Super Mario Kart and Mario Kart 64, I do know that I still absolutely find it a blast to play with my brother whenever he comes home... and even though the game was merely evolutionary, not revolutionary, I must admit that I tried playing SMK and MK64 again after a week of Mario Kart: Double Dash... and although I still miss the ability to jump, I must admit, that I wouldn't go back to those old games for the world anymore... unless that world includes my precious Zelda...

Best Story of the Year - The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker (Gamecube)
Runners-Up: 1 - Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic (Xbox), 2 - Halo: Combat Evolved (Xbox)

I've already rambled on and on for seemingly months about The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker, and I've already mentioned today about all the scenes that I loved in the game... but allow me to ramble off one more thing about the game: I wasn't lying in my review when I said the story seemed almost Shakespearean in execution (generally speaking, not prose wise, at least). The humanization of Ganondorf turned the Zelda series from a fairy tale fable, into a full blown Greek tragedy it seemed, and I mean that in the best of ways. And even most historians would probably admit, that Wind Waker using Ocarina of Time as the backdrop of ancient mythology in the game, was simply brilliant and actually quite original, even compared to most movies... And even if many on the internet were rolling their eyes at the cliche nature of saving Princess Zelda for the umpteenth time, don't they realize that that's the whole, friggin' point of a Zelda game? That history repeats itself. That evil never dies. That we must learn from our mistakes. That every game has a story, and that only one in a legend... If they fail the get the entire point behind a Zelda game, then obviously they wouldn't like the story. But for someone like me, who welcomes some stability in this world where the only constant is change?... well then... I might even say that The Wind Waker had the best damn storyline for any Zelda game I've ever played. And at the very least, it was the best damn, moving story that I've experienced all year, movies and television be damned...

And as for Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic? I must admit, that the second third of the game, plotline wise, truly caught me off guard. While the first third of the plot seemed boring and cliche at first, and the last third just couldn't keep the momentum going from the halfway revelation, I still must admit that the middle third of the game was just so damn interesting, even to a Star Wars hater like me, that once again, I almost thought about giving the best story of the year award to Knights of the Old Republic... and hell, even if the plotline doesn't deserve the best story award, the execution itself of what is there, almost tore the award away from the precious hands of Zelda... The voice acting in Star Wars is possibly not only the best voice acting for any game I've ever encountered (every character, NPC or not, literally has a ton of recorded dialogue), but sad to say, the voice acting actually had far more feeling and far more expression than in any Star Wars film I've seen to date, original trilogy included... and while I ain't demanding or salivating over a sequel or prequel to this game, I will admit that I will buy whatever new RPG Bioware doth bring out next (Jade Empire, I think it's called?), if only to see what surprises they have in store for the New Year...

And the last notable mention for the Best Story of the Year category?... I was almost going to give it to Shenmue II, until I realized how much I hated the plotline at times, thanks to the horrible execution of the pacing of the movies (aka - the gameplay inbetween). And therefore, I defaulted to Halo: Combat Evolved, which may not have a great story, but somehow it felt great, if only because the game itself was great as well. I mean, the whole idea of the Flood trying to get off of Halo was basically just a cop out of any sci-fi alien flick out there, Aliens included. But the atmosphere set within stages was just as impressive and just as effective as any amount of CG movies or RPG dialogue has ever accomplished, if you ask me... While I didn't really care about the stages that did include the Flood (the Swamp, the Library), I will fully admit that up until those stages, I was captivated by the Halo, wondering what the heck it was all about... and hell, playing through the game on Legendary, on co-op mode with my brother all summer long, somehow created a living story of its own, an interactive story, and that indeed is worth an award in itself.

Most Surprisingly Good Game - Shenmue II (Xbox)
Runners-Up: 1 - Fzero GX (Gamecube), 2 - Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic (Xbox)

Okay, I admit it... When I bought Shenmue II, I bought it to laugh at all the gamers on the net, who thought this game of horribly, ambiguously gayous, voiced movies, intermixed with sparse moments of torrid gameplay, could ever be considered better than my precious Zelda series... but after going through the crappy Four Wude parts of Wan Chai, the fact of the matter is, I was the one who was left a horribly embarrassed mess in the end... because the game wasn't just good. It was a good as it gets. It was great... Now, obviously, Shenmue II isn't nearly great enough to be considered game of the year caliber. The shoddy dialogue, the awkward fighting controls, the lack of focus in most of the story telling, and the horribly drawn out ending to the game, all would've been enough fuel for the flame to flame this game until kingdom doth come... but something really dumb of me, happened when I was playing through the final building in Kowloon... that somehow, I had fallen in love with this game... I was masturbating for Ryo, although I know that doesn't sound good, considering he's the one still looking for sailors... and, well... I wrote in my review that the music sucked in this game, and yet just a week after I wrote that review, I started endlessly humming the Shenmue theme song wherever I walked at school... I may have complained that the game didn't feel epic enough, and yet whenever I'm bored, it's Shenmue II's last boss that I pop in to play, not Zelda: The Wind Waker's... but perhaps the thing I loved most in Shenmue II, was the homesick factor of it all. I loved walking through Wan Chai, even if it wasn't nearly as interactive or living as Yu Suzuki originally made it sound in reviews. I loved the atmosphere of this game, even in Kowloon, even though I wrote how dismally boring it was in my original review... Somehow, Shenmue II grew on me like a fungus, or a chia pet if you will. If I had believed my own self and put the game down after the first half an hour of wandering into pointless movies, then I never would've recognized and appreciated the game for it's worth... It may be no Zelda. But it doesn't have to be. It's Shenmue.

Now, as for my runners-up... I won't bother talking about Star Wars yet again, though I will mention once again, that I bought the game, thinking it would be as boring to me as the Star Wars films... it was not... and that's all I have to say about that... But as for Fzero GX? I guess it's weird for me to claim that a game that was so heavily hyped (though it did kinda bomb in sales, thanks to the Sega curse) could surprise me in quality and fun factor. But the truth of the matter is, I've never been a Fzero fan. Sure, I loved the music in the original, but that was about it. It was my brother and his friends who kept racing through the tracks, while I on the other hand, couldn't get enough of RPGs that they refused to ever touch... and Fzero X was a sham to me. I respected Nintendo for going all out with 60fps smoothness, but besides the technicality of it all, I just didn't find the game fun... So is it any wonder that I only bought F-zero GX out of Nintendo fanboyism, and not because I wanted it? And hell, just like with Shenmue, I wasn't expecting much from this game, not only because I never felt much for its prequels, but because... well?... it was a Sega game... nuff said from a Nintendo fanboy... and yet if you read my Fzero GX review, you'll know that I just couldn't put this game down. Although the tracks at many times felt far too bland, I just couldn't put down the game, as the feel of racing at 1500kph, combined with the animation, graphics, sound, and intense 30 car competition, all drove me beyond the breaking point of sanity, into beating every single damn thing in the game (except for Very Hard in Story mode), no matter how many damn times I came close to breaking my controller in too fast and too frustrated fits of falling in pits... and actually, this year was truly the year of racing games to me. I was almost going to give one of my Most Surprisingly Good awards to Need for Speed: Underground, an EA game that's actually good for once, when I remembered... before F-zero GX, I never even cared for racing games. And yet now for some odd reason, I'm even craving the Project Gotham Racing series... And for that alone, for that one change in the pits of my churning and normally anti-racing game stomach alone, Captain Falcon, Captain Nintendo, and yes, even Sega, deserve my major props.

Most Disappointing Game - Panzer Dragoon Orta (Xbox)
Runners-Up: 1 - Beyond Good and Evil (Multiplatform), 2 - Viewtiful Joe (Gamecube)

Panzer Dragoon Orta sucks... is there anything more that I should bother to say? I thought I'd love the game, if only because Star Fox 64 ranks up there as one of my favourite N64 games of all time. But I just hated Orta, I really did... the controls just never felt right to me, having to spin around and occasionally change dragon modes with awkward button placements on the awful Xbox pad... I just felt so damn confined in this rail shooter for some odd reason, as even the bosses felt one dimensional (all I ever did was soar around and hoped I would hit something with my rapid fire)... I just never cared for the plotline either, as nothing about the atmosphere in this game felt magical. In fact, the whole world of Orta just felt technical to me, with brilliant graphics and sound in the second stage, but what about all the rest? It's like Sega gave up on this game out of spite that it wasn't on the Dreamcast... and there's really not much more that I can say about this game, simply because I don't care enough about it to write about it. I bought the game based on its praise from the internet... some disillusioned Sega fans still call it the best game of the year... But while I'll give Sega props for Shenmue II, Fzero GX, and Skies of Arcadia Legends?... well?... I guess, three out of a thousand games ain't half bad...

And as for Beyond Good and Evil?... sure, it ain't really a bad game... it's just that... I feel so damn jipped, first of all, for buying the game $10 more than its regular price (hell, even Future Shop of all places now has the game at $49.99 CDN). And secondly? Even if I bought the game at a discount (and right) price, it still wouldn't be worth the price of admission, simply because of how damn short the game was... I loved the graphics in this game, and the voice acting was even more natural sounding than it was in the often wooden-speaking Knights of the Old Republic... but besides these few compliments? There's really nothing else more to say about the game, unless you want to hear me bash it for the next hundred years or so... It's a Zelda clone, that felt like a Star Fox Adventures clone to me. And why the hell it's being called best game of the year on the internet forums (and was ranked higher than Zelda on the goddam Gamespy list for some damn reason), is beyond any sort of good or evil or redemption of logic that my eyeballs and ears can ever doth comprehend... The game was too damn easy, too damn short, too damn cliche, too damn leftist, and oh yes - too damn much of a waste of time and money. How it could ever be compared to my precious Zelda, I'll never know...

And lastly... I really wanted to love Viewtiful Joe. I really did... but I learned something deep about myself by the time I was endlessly backtracking through the third stage in the game... that for some odd reason, either because I'm older now, or either because my precious Zelda has made me love 3d games a little far too much, but... umm... this may sound like blasphemy, even to my old self, but... I think I hate 2d platformers now... but besides that? There really is no problem with Viewtiful Joe. It's a fun, innovative, and innocent game... that I simply didn't love, simply because I have no passion for two dimensional gameplay anymore, outside of the RPG and Zelda domains... I'll still buy Zelda: Four Swords the day it comes out, and I'd probably pick up a new Megaman X game out of tradition, but... I was hoping that I could "blend in" and mix and become one of the "hardcore" gamers on the net, if only I could enjoy the mindless shooting in Panzer Dragoon Orta, the short hops of exploration in Beyond Good and Evil, and the painfully reflex numbing gameplay of Viewtiful Joe... but judging from my list of best games of the year, compared to my most disappointing games of the year?... well?... suffice to say, I ain't an online, hardcore gamer...

And a Happy New Year to you, I say... as 2004, with Halo 2, Metroid Prime 2, Mario 128, Gran Turismo 4, and Metal Gear Solid: Twin Snakes, should definitely be one hell of a year for gaming... let's just hope that constantly writing about them, along with constantly whining about them, won't necessarily detract from how much I enjoy each and every one of them... here's hoping, and here's happy hunting for ya...

Y2kk Update: Once in a full blue moon, a movie comes along... a movie that's simply beyond all words and all forms of ideology and thought... a movie... to rule over all other movies...

But bah. Lord of the Rings: Return of the King sure as hell ain't that movie. Not if I have anything to say about it.

Okay, I'll be up and front here first of all... I've never liked the Lord of the Rings series in the first place, though I admit I never read the books... I did read The Hobbit however, and quite frankly, I found it to be the worst turd of over pretentious writing that I've ever encountered and encumbered in my entire goddam life... and goddammit, it was just so damn boring and so damn scarring for a Grade 4er like I was back then, that I never really picked up another book after that to read for actual enjoyment outside of school (although I did buy a few Star Trek books back in my Grade 7 days...)... but despite my obvious bias and bitter resentment towards anything with the Tolkien and anti-Trekian touch, I still watched the first two Lord of the Rings movies with as open of a mind as possible... and found out that... well?... to be honest?...

But that didn't mean I didn't want to watch the third and final in the trilogy... so when I successfully conned my way into getting my sister into pay for my Christmas movie ticket, how could I possibly refuse? And suffice to say, I will admit this at least: the Lord of the Rings series is not done justice even on DVD... you MUST see it in theatres, as even though the sound quality pretty much sucked where I was sitting, at least all the motion blurring actually made the epic scaled battles seem decent for once, rather than just computer rts game generic... but alas, that doesn't mean I liked the movie anymore than I did the first two at home... massive spoilers ahoy and ahead, of course...

First things first, let's talk about Frodo and Sam... obviously, the ending had my eyes in tears, but only out of spiteful laughter... We all know that the two love each other dearly (not that there's anything wrong with that, of course...), and Frodo decided to commit suicide in the end obviously because he lost "the ring" (aka Sam's yonic love when Sam went heterosexual for no apparent reason whatsoever on poor Frodo, except to silence the critics). But all snickering aside, I can't say that I've ever liked the comraderieship between these two, no matter how ridiculously funny the love triangle became between Frodo, Sam, and Golem. Now, there were some decent scenes in the movie between Sam and Golem, where Golem got whacked quite a few times in the face and ass for being an evil ass. But honestly, although I can't fault anything but the novels here, it was just painful to watch Frodo completely believe in Golem rather than his best friend, Sam, most of the time. I know the Ring was clouding his judgment, but sometimes I really thought Frodo was as dumb as that other movie called The Ring... And as for their total "journey"? All they did in the first movie was climb up snowy mountains. All they did in the second movie was climb up rocky mountains. And all they did in the third movie was climb up molten mountains. Notice a trend here? And that's about it... And besides the obvious phallic references here, I can honestly say that the Frodo and Sam plotline, if it were not for the great acting on both actor's behalfs, was tritefully boring at best. I mean, the theme of the "journey" works in literature - but I refuse to accept that it has ever been done properly in movies, and my belief still stands firm to this day. And while the end scenes, with Frodo and Sam and Golom all wrasslin' in the fiery beds of Mordor, were kind of interesting in the end (only because I didn't know what would happen... I was thinking Sam would have to kick evil Frodo in the ass and into the fire, but if that were true, Lord of the Rings would be considered a tragic story... not generally a kid's story...)... the truth of the matter is, seeing Frodo's phallic finger get bitten off only made me laugh. Seeing Sam just stand there, doing nothing, was precious at best... and while once again, I admit that I liked the suspense of that final action scene (if only thanks to the intermixing with the orc battle fight outside), I also have to admit that starting from the end of the battle at Gondor, the movie just felt like it dragged on forever, evil Frodo parts included... I mean, I can't blame the movie for trying to bring as much closure to the Frodo/Sam/Hobbit plotlines as possible with that ending that seemed to go on for forever. But honestly, though I don't know how the book fared in this regard, I would've definitely preferred to see how the actually interesting characters in the movie fared four years to the day, rather than seeing The Hobbit 2 or some crap like that...

And who exactly are the characters that I care about? Not Mary and Scotty Pippen, if that's the name of those two Hobbits. Suffice to say, although I'll give the films all the props in the world for the most magical of special effects (I still have a hard time believing how well done the size of the Hobbits are in contrast to Gandalf and the world of men), I can't say that I ever once cared about the secondary relationship between these two hobbits... I mean, besides Mary's obvious enchantment with riding inbetween the breasts of his fair lady, and Pippen's moment where he was seduced enough to walk into Sauron's trap, I didn't really care for either of these characters (although I can't completely fault them for that... the plotline with the Stewart gone mad was simply too ridiculously stupid to even remotely keep me from rolling my eyes)... And as for Gandalf? First of all, it still pisses me off to no end how the only wizard on the damn block seems to refuse to use magic on anything but purely magical creatures, even though the fate of the goddam world is in goddam double jeopardy. I mean, I love Sir Ian in the X-men series, but honestly, he just irritates me as the White Wizard. I mean, what self respecting magical wonder actually uses a goddam sword in battle? What self respecting wizard actually has to ride a stupid horse? Sure, I can only fault the books for his so-called code of wizardry ethics or something, but honestly, why the hell is Gandalf so damn useless to the cause? I never truly understood why the loyal fanbase actually revolted when he didn't earn best supporting actor at the Oscars for this prissy shit... and while Gandalf was always just an itch on my back as far as I'm concerned, the fact of the matter is, no matter how cliche Sarumon was, at least he was evil and power enough to stand out and actually be interesting. But where the fuck was he in the third film? Couldn't they at least given him a scene where Gandalf and his old master have one final Jedi showdown or something? Instead, we were given some girl-power moment with the King's daughter and the undead king or some crap like that, which I might add, somehow felt so forced and so out of place in the midst of battle, that it certainly didn't feel like it belonged in the movie... I appreciate the added role of women in the Lord of the Rings movies (I personally think that the king's daughter, whats-her-name, was actually very well done with all her subtlety when it came to her love for Aragon and her will to prove herself to her father), but honestly, I couldn't help but roll my eyes when she screamed out at the top of her Xena lungs, "I am no man!"... I mean, even if that line was somehow in the books, I still wouldn't like how much damn attention it got in the movie compared to everything else about the king (who was portrayed powerfully and gracefully enough to redeem the half assing of Rohan in the second movie... hell, I'd even say he was the best king I've seen on screen since the legendary Marcus Aurelius of Gladiator).

But while the side-characters (the son of the Stewart, the king of Rohan, etc) were all decent enough, it was the main three heroes (Aragon, Gimli, and the Pirates of the Caribbean, pretty boy, whatever his name is) that I actually cared about in the end... in a manner of speaking, at least... Now, while Gimli and pretty boy never really got much to say in the last two movies, I will always respect the two for their rivalry, as their callous counting of numbers killed in battle has been the only thing to ever make me more than snicker in the Lord of the Rings movies... and while obviously the gay references are there as well between this Fellowship of friends, at least it's much more subtle and much more realistic than the crap we get between the Hobbits who stare at each other with obvious intent 24/7 (not that there's anything wrong with that... of course...)... But what about arrogant Aragon? He's always been the most interesting character to me, and my only real complaint with his love story (as sappy as it is), was that a) he seems to have no chemistry with poor Armageddon girl, and b) I kept waiting for Mr. Elvish Smith to call him, "Mr. Aragon" in a whiny voice, but I was left bitterly disappointed in the end... But I do appreciate the subtlety of the entire theme of the movie, to seek out your true self and to give yourself hope, blah blah blah, hence the title, "Return of the King". Ever since the start of the Lord of the Rings series, Aragon's journey was the only personal journey that I've cared to watch. Aragon slowly gained more and more confidence in himself and the future as the weeks and years went by, and it truly did show itself in the rear end by the end, by his brave Braveheart words near the fini of the film... I mean, if it weren't for all the stupid crap that was written into the movies thanks to the book, then I might even consider the LOTR films decent in the end, if only because of the glory these three characters all brought in the end...

And what stupid plot points I speak of, pray tell? Well, first of all, why the fuck wasn't Aragon smart enough to at least ask the damn undead warriors to take out Mordor after they finished saving Gondor? I mean, sure, the curse only required them to fulfill their oath, and their oath was to protect Gondor... but at least couldn't Aragon at least tried to squeeze a little more work out of those stupid ungrateful undead? If they took out the mercenary ships (which technically weren't attacking Gondor yet), then technically, killing all the orcs around Mordor (who would also eventually attack Gondor too) wouldn't be much of a breach of contract, now would it?... And what the hell was up with Aragon's Elvish girlfriend, whatever you call her, suiciding herself just to get a rise out of her boyfriend? I mean, sure it gave some motivation to the troops to kill Sauron just to save her. And I suppose it did force her father to actually help out by reforging the legendary Master Sword of evil's bane or whatever kind of crap... but honestly... umm?... Maybe it makes some sort of sense in the Elvish world to just lie on a bed and hope to be saved, but did the film makers really have to make those scenes that damn boring and that melodramatic, just to get some extra air time for the ladies?... and other plot points that had me reeling from rolling my eyes far too wide shut? Where the hell were the elves near the end? Where the hell were the dwarves? Why the hell couldn't the Gondorians or whatever at least escorted the Hobbits close to the gates of Mordor along with the army of the undead, so that at least we wouldn't have to put up with all that boring journey crap in the Two Towers? It's like they meant to put the two Hobbits through unnecessary hell... Why the hell did the talking trees do nothing after they locked Sarumon up in his tower? Why the hell did Rohan suddenly have 6000 riders when they had barely anyone to help out in the second movie? Why the hell didn't Sauron, thinking that Pippen had the ring, lead anywhere in the story? And most of all... why the hell was there no damn showdown between some evil Sauron creature against Aragon's new Master Sword? Even if it wasn't in the book, at least it would've given Aragon some one-one-one hero time for once... but instead, we were left with the cliche, girl power moment with the King and I. Though that got some ra-ra-ras from the I-love-blond-pretty-boy section of the crowd, that certainly didn't get a rise out of me... I mean, goddammit, the boy isn't even really blond in real life! And Aragon has short hair! And all of these factors, combined with the fact that nobody ever likes the always trusty Gimli/Arturo from Sliders... the fact of the matter remains... that something about Lord of the Rings: Return of the King and the entire series... just something... just somehow feels... I don't know...

But still... for all the reasons that I hate Lord of the Rings, I know that most of them are just ubjustly based on my anti-trendy trendiness, of not liking the movie, simply because it's loved... For all the reasons that I hate Lord the Rings, many of my expectations were simply... unrealistic... Because goddammit, technical, theatrical and artistic wise, what's there not to love? We had epic battle scenes, the best I've seen since Gladiator. We had absolutely awe-inspiring scenery, as for once, a movie was filmed in New Zealand rather than the bland surroundings around my hometown of Toronto... We had a moving musical score, with perhaps the best new theme song since the Star Wars trilogy... We had some of the best special effects ever recorded on screen, from the sheer number of orcs all fighting and Rise of Nations shoving at once, to the awesome feel of the undead riders swarming across the streets of the City of Kings and the gangs of New York... And we had some of the most memorable, sheer visual scenes ever, from the sight of hundreds of New Zealand riders all riding into battle, to the very glimpses of the mountains of Mordor, to the pointless sight of that stupid eye that just sits there for no apparent reason whatsoever...

I may be more than just harsh on the Lord of the Rings series, but that's only because I was expecting so much from it from the all hype, that my goals and expectations were higher and more unrealistic than the Two Towers themselves... Even though I may never, ever watch the Lord of the Rings series again for pleasure, just like I'll never pick up a book again thanks to the Hobbit, I still appreciate the film for all it's worth: as a technical masterpiece... as a moving motion picture marvel... as a story to rule over all other stories... as a tale, to rule all tales... and though my personal feelings may feel the contrary, I don't doubt in my heart that Lord of the Rings: Return of the King deserves the best picture of the year award at the Oscars... though that's not saying much, considering most of the movies so far that have been screaming for an Oscar, have all been pretty much shit...

But enough maniac, depressive stories for one day... because on Christmas morning, I got a sacred surprise that, thanks to the adverse advice of a certain friend of mine, I didn't think would come until the new year... Suffice to say, I was more than bewildered by the fact that SkyOne had aired Evolution Part 2 of Stargate SG-1, about an entire month before I expected Sci-fi to show the same episode. And short story short, I must say, that either because I've been starved of Stargate for too long, or either because anything on TV looks good compared to the crap Lord of the Rings series... I must admit, that I enjoyed Evolution Part 2 much more than I ever did the first half of the two-parter. The entire feel of the episode was a huge improvement, as I couldn't help but marvel at the fact that Darth Anubis was waltzing around a Goa'uld fortress that looked almost identical on the insides of the bloody hell Death Star... and even though the scenery and the villains were all cliche as hell, there's no denying that they both combined for one sure as hell, entertaining story. The sight of seeing thousands of Goa'uld super-warriors was just as impressive as any army in the Lord of the Rings series, and much more surprising as well. The idea of Anubis using memories stolen from Jonas Quinn against the universe was a haunting one, and definitely one that caught me by surprise as well. And I for one was actually left in suspense by the actions taken by Jacob and the others. While neither Teal'c, Bra'tac, nor Sam really got much to say or grow in this episode, they sure as hell made it interesting by making the Goa'uld threat seem intimidating again. Although I'll never understand why the new superwarriors don't at least stagger from an entire round of bullets, at least they don't fall over from getting hit by "nail-clippers", as it's said most Jaffa have done since the first episodes of the entire series...

The character development came in poise and prose for Jack and Daniel, as Jack was handed a very strange plotline about a Canadian friendly fire incident, and Daniel got to become desperate and almost animalistically volatile for the first time since he first ascended... Now, at first I was complaining about the Jack and Agent Burke plotline, as it completely didn't seem to match the theme or the mood of the rest of the episode. But over time, the two won me over with their animosity acting, and it did make sense in the end why Burke did what he did... I can't say that any of these war revelations felt new, considering this episode was simply a reversal of roles found for Jack in that episode with the Black Hole, but still... the banter between the two made walking through a jungle in a straight line an actually entertaining thing, something that I can't say the Lord of the Rings series has achieved in three entire, massive budget movies... And as for Daniel Jackson? I was curious as to what the Ancients device would do to Daniel and co. In term, we got a cliche undead guy, but we also got a Daniel Jackson that was desperate enough to even strike at Jack with a rock. Even though not much uttered from Daniel that was surprising considering the situation, somehow Daniel Shanks has this way of shifting his eyes that really do work wonders, no matter which way he's trying to act, no matter what lines he's given... Overall, I loved Evolution Part 2 for reasons that I probably will never understand, considering I hated Part 1. But I might as well guess that the strong acting, the cool special efforts, the Star Wars remake sets, the usage of mythology, and the threat of a real threat again in the Stargate universe, are reasons enough to claim this episode was one great episode... one episode to rule them all... until the next Prometheus episode at least...

Y2kk Update: You know... I hate to admit this, but most of the time, I'm the type of gamer who hardcore gamers absolutely love to loathe and abhor in horror... in other words, I pretty much buy like a "casual" consumer, always choosing the sequel with guaranteed gameplay over some so-called original game like the internet's precious "Ico" (unless I find the "hardcore" game for dirt cheap, which was what made me collect all those goddam Dreamcast games that I ended up all hating like hell...)... but thanks to the internet - thanks to web forums and websites that I thought I could trust like Gamespot - there were at least two games this year that I bought (at full price, mind you) not because I wanted them, but because I was inclined to give them a chance, if only in hope of calling myself a hardcore gamer... In September, I bought Viewtiful Joe for the Gamecube, and just the other week, I brought home Ubisoft's Beyond Good and Evil for the Xbox... and suffice to say... umm?... I hate to say this, but...

Viewtiful Joe I'll review another day... but Beyond Good and Evil? Well, first of all... I really shouldn't have gone for this game over something more established, considering I barely liked Ubisoft's Splinter Cell or Rainbow Six series at all... but because of all the damn praise on the internet, claiming as if Beyond Good and Evil was the second coming of the original Zelda or some crap like that, I actually purchased the game new at full price... hell, I was literally one of those mere five or ten thousand people who did actually buy the damn game in its debut month of November... and you know what?

While the game doesn't deserve the dismally low sales it's garnering, at least I can also say... that it certainly doesn't deserve many more sales either at all...

The thing is, first of all... I started Beyond Good and Evil on Friday... and I frickin' beat it on goddam Sunday, after only about ten fucking hours of goddam gameplay... and that was after I had goddam gotten lost in all those stupid stages, such as that god-awful part in the Slaughterhouse where it took me literally two hours to figure out where to find the third goddam picture for the IRIS514 newspaper. Because I swear to God, if it wasn't for those two or three unbelievably annoying times where I couldn't find pipes to climb or boxes to push, the game really is only about five frickin' hours long from start to finish, even when you include most of the Alpha Section Headquarter sidequests that I went through in the damn game... and the thing is, the internet and sites like bloody hell IGN keep comparing Beyond Good and Evil to my precious Zelda: Wind Waker game, even claiming it's the game that Zelda should've been... and what I really don't get, is why all the hardcore gamers complained about the "short" length of Zelda, yet whenever they mention that they can beat Beyond Good and Evil in three frickin' hours average, they claim that the length of the game really isn't much of a problem? I mean, sure if I was still in university exam time right now, I'd perhaps appreciate a game as short as Beyond Good and Evil that wouldn't take up all my study time, and maybe even end up claiming that the only fault with the game was that there simply wasn't enough of it to love... but the fact of the matter is, I'm not in exam time anymore. Now that I'm in holiday time, I want my frickin' fifty Canadian dollars spent on something that will actually tide me over for a week or two, and not just for a couple days and nights like even a damn movie would've done...

But despite the incredibly, inexcusably short length of the game, I must say that Beyond Good and Evil does have its merits and perks, besides the lovely bump and shine mapping done on Jade's, um, you-know-what... First of all, the music in this game is rather top notch, more or less... I personally find the huge variety in tunes, ranging from the Scottish song at the Lighthouse to the half rap in Akuda Bar, to be a welcome breed of gaming music, a cut above the rest... though honestly, none of the songs were either hummable (ala Mario Sunshine) or epic (like Zelda), especially the Spanish theme music in the races that the internet seems to love for no apparent reason whatsoever, except for that it's different... Secondly, I do love the graphics in this game. The water when you're gliding over it with the hovercraft, rivals the best effects in Wave Race for the Gamecube, the colouring in this game (even without progressive scan, since I don't have a HDTV to test) looks far more full than even Zelda: the Wind Waker ever did, and the animation for Uncle Pey'j and Double H both seem impeccable at times... but the only problem is... umm, did they forget about Jade or something? Because either the framerate in the X-box version hiccups or something (though it seems at least a constant 30fps), or something just seems awkward in the way she walks and steps. And graphics wise, while her face and hair are incredibly detailed, the rest of the her body (which sadly enough, is what a gamer like me truly always takes notice of...) seems "flat" and uninspired at best... and while we're still on the topic of Jade, did Ubisoft really have to give the game those goddam "Shenmue-ish" controls? I mean, if I don't hold down R to move Jade, she moves like a tank. And if I do end up holding R to run like I did in Shenmue, then my finger eventually hurts from all the goddam holding down... but on the plus side, since all the rest of the controls were basically cloned from the Zelda series, I must admit that pushing blocks, jumping on crates, jumping over lasers, and crawling around dungeons were all perfectly executed on the Xbox... with one exception: the camera controls... I mean, if I manually control the camera, everything is fine. But my damn finger keeps slipping off of the right analog of the Xbox for some ungodly reason, causing me to spin the camera sometimes in ways that never got in the way for me in Mario Sunshine or Zelda: Wind Waker... technically, Beyond Good and Evil has a camera system far beyond anything that most 3d games have, but when you compare it to my precious Zelda? Somehow, clicking on the right thumbstick just doesn't hold a candle to Z-targeting...

Which brings me to combat... now, I personally don't see why gamers keep comparing Beyond Good and Evil to Zelda, when it's obviously far more similar to Star Fox Adventures (which is absolutely hated on net) than anything else... and the thing is, umm?... I literally have no frickin' clue why the online community thinks that Beyond Good and Evil has basically revolutionized 3d fighting or some crap like that, because I literally just kept mashing the attack button throughout the game, and except for willingly dying on the second boss (since dying actually brings back more hearts than Starkos food does - Carlson and Peeters, pg.259), I never even remotely came close to losing a life outside of those god-awfully annoying stealth parts of the game... I mean, hell, even to this day, I still don't know how to do backflips in the game, even though reviews said it was intuitive and actually goddam useful, and goddammit, the only times that I ever used the dodge button was when I had to avoid all those laser shots from those flying robots with frickin' little light bulbs that blink... I will admit one decent thing about the combat in this game though, that puts it above Star Fox Adventures (besides the fact that Star Fox Adventures battles sucked from horrible CPU AI...)... Simply put, it's beyond fun as hell in Beyond Good and Evil, when (and only when) you're fighting alongside Pey'j or everyone's favourite Double H. I mean, although it's cheesy as hell, it adds a lot of strategy and twists to the game whenever your partner pounds the ground and you go into Matrix mode to knock a baddie into an electrical barrier. And hell, I really did love the first two bosses in this game, as the teamwork required to just get the bosses stunned or off their feet for mere moments at a time, were far more involving than most boss battles that I've had in years... and after I had beaten the second boss, I made a mental note to myself, that I would surely compliment this game for having some of the best damn boss battles of this generation... until I finished the third stage, that is... and what do you know?... as if Ubisoft discovered that their game was actually good in some area, they decided to completely leave the third area blank without a boss, didn't even really have a fourth stage in the game, and simply made the final boss a complete sham except in terms of unintended humour and difficulty (not that the last boss was hard... I finished the game with 20 K-Bups or whatever left, although to be fair, I did use four up on the last boss)...

But really, the one true thing that keeps getting to me about all the overglowing, positive reviews of Beyond Good and Evil, is the mere fact that nearly every single hardcore gamer claims it has one of the best damn stories and goddam plotlines of this entire gaming generation... and although I will not dispute that it has absolutely some of the best voice acting I've heard in a game, I simply can't help but refute the hardcorers (and IGN... and Gamespot too, apparently) by claiming... What the fuck have you been smoking???... spoilers ahead, so all your candy asses have been warned...

Okay, as IGN put it, Beyond Good and Evil has a story that 'needs to be told'. And okay, in a sense, I see why... Beyond Good and Evil is all about government and military propaganda, that we must discover the truth for ourselves and not blindly believe everything we're told. And if that was the whole of it, I wouldn't have much to object... if this was the year 1999, that is... but goddammit, it's 2003 now. And call me bias or whatever, but when I was watching the cutscenes in this game, I couldn't help but think that I was watching some sort of anti-George Bush, anti-Iraq-war propaganda story or some crap like that, which I know it really isn't... but with all the anti-military, anti-government hate I read in newspaper articles these days? And considering the Hillyans at the end of the game were demanding a revolution? I know this crap shouldn't bug me, but that whole crap about a story 'needing to be told' just reminded me too damn much of the crap all the leftists used to spout in my high school, that the truth "must be told"... whether the leftists are right or wrong, I don't care - all I know, is that they annoyed me to hell, and so did the plot of this game... for a while, at least... Suffice to say, the plotline did get original and interesting at certain points of the story. I loved going through the factory actually, as it was actually fun looking around for human cargo to scan, and I was actually left in suspense as to what the alpha sections really looked like with their helmets off. But the thing is, after the factory, after Pey'j was taken and Double H was rescued, what happened then?... really, nothing actually... really, really, ridiculously nothing of importance happened after that... part of that lied in the fact and fault that this game was just so damn short, but honestly... as if the writers got writer's block or something, there were no new revelations in the Slaughterhouse stage, and besides Pey'j's identity, there were really no damn revelations on the moon base either, except for the cliche, "HA! I'm evil! I made you do everything that you did as some whole conspiracy thing! MWAHAHAHA!"... And as for the ending? Seriously, what the fuck? I know that as a crappy writer, often I would leave big holes in my stories, so that I could fill those gaps with explanations later on in storybook sequels (as recommended - Carlson and Peeters, pg.667)... but goddammit, there's a reason why Beyond Good and Evil shouldn't have done the same, stupid thing by completely leaving us hanging with the whole Shauni identity thing... because this fucking game isn't going to goddam sell enough to merit a damn sequel! It's like leaving us hanging in Shenmue II... sure, the loyal fanbase might actually cause a sequel to happen to that game some time, but at least the original Shenmue sold a million copies... obviously, Beyond Good and Evil has not... hell, it won't even make a hundred thousand copies at this rate... end spoilers, I guess...

Beyond Good and Evil definitely has its share of paramount flaws... first of all, I bought a platformer/action game, not a frickin' Splinter Cell game!... or at least, I thought I did... and what did I find instead? That literally every single stage in the goddam game had me creeping around as some CLB (creepy little bastard) or some damsel reporter in distress, unable to kill any of the damn bad guys unless I had an open shot to their goddam backpacks (the only way I could successfully kill the enemy soldiers under normal Zelda circumstances was when I had Double H on my side to help)... I mean, c'mon already! I know Splinter Cell equals success for you Ubisoft (so it is said - Carlson and Peeters, pg.102), but at least give me a silenced pistol or a fucking Uzi to snipe the goddam Alpha Sections' heads off... and secondly, to coincide with how damn short the game is, I couldn't stand how damn small the whole world of Hillys was. I mean, sure people complained about how long it took you to get from point A to B in Zelda: Wind Waker, but honestly, the world of Hillys takes only a couple minutes at best to cross in the damn hovercraft, and probably only a couple minutes more to fully explore in that stupid rocket ship. Nothing took effort to find in this game, as there was always a cave in the out and open, there was always a marking on the map, or there was always a door that you just couldn't get past until you found a Resident Evil like key... and other flaws? First, the length... Second, the length... Third, while the Pedestrian Whatever area had plenty of people to talk to, the rest of the world was void of personality... and fourth? Did I mention the length of the game?...

But while I surely sound negative about this game (heck, I still haven't decided... should I call Beyond Good and Evil as "Beyond Bad and Evil"?... or just simply, "Beyond Bloody Awful"?... but what did you expect? I paid full price for this game. I feel stifled...), the fact of the matter is... well?... while I absolutely don't love the game, it's not that I didn't like it. I already mentioned how the graphics are far above Mike Weir par, how the music is spot on, and hell, the crafty AI in this game is crafted pretty damn craftily I must say, as none of my AI helpers ever once got lost or stuck in my way... And for what it's worth, while all the sneaking around was not my cup of tea, I do realize that the story of the game was about one average (well... not so average, I guess) individual making a difference in the world. And if Jade was able to take everyone out James Bond style? It would've negated the whole point of the plot, I guess... and there are other positives too. The few bosses that there are, are quite original in feeling and fighting. And while combat was far too simple for me without Zelda Z-targeting or parries, I must admit that most bad guys (Alpha Sections not included) were fun to engage, if only because it took some brains to take them out... I'll also compliment the game for taking a page out of the Splinter Cell, Carlson and Peeters handguide (pg.42), and implementing check points nearly everywhere in the game. Sure, it made the stages easy as hell, but at least whenever you got past some sections of those goddam Alpha Sections, at least you knew you wouldn't have to do the whole damn, unbelievably annoying, process all over again... I'll also admit, that some racing parts with the hovercraft (notably, chasing after looters) were fun as hell in the game, and were probably the only things that made the game memorable in my mind... And as for the puzzles in this game? While they were all linear as hell and only took me mere seconds to figure out (and heck, I'm the guy who constantly got stuck in Wind Waker, the game that's supposedly so easy in the puzzle category...), I must admit that because none of the puzzles posed a real problem for me (since all of the solutions were actually practical and logical... no weird block patterns to make...), I do have to give some credit to Ubisoft, for making me think and ponder over what's yonder, without making me hurt my brain while I'm on my goddam vacation from goddam university...

But the real gist of the story is this... the thing is... Beyond Good and Evil felt like a Disney movie (which is a good thing from me, not a "teh kiddie" bad thing), but alas, it felt like the wrong kind of Disney movie... While certain animated films are truly epic in scope and sentiment (Beauty and the Beast, The Lion King), and while certain films are truly endearing (Aladdin, Toy Story), the thing is... for every great Disney movie, you have a movie that was screaming "to be told", as if the movie was trying to be too hip while trying too hard to make a point or some crap like that... with movies like the Emperor's New Groove and Lilo and Stitch coming to mind... now, there's really nothing wrong with the latter two movies, which I both did enjoy. But none of them truly left a mark on me... I mean, they were funny - just not memorable... The Zelda series for me has always been right up there with the best of epic Disney films. But Beyond Good and Evil?... I mean sure, it sure had its funny moments (I'm now a true follower of Carlson and Peeters, pg.823). And sure, it sure had its endearing moments... but honestly?... in the end... the whole story, in both scope and execution, simply felt hollow... like it was screaming to make a point, as if it had a "story to be told", but not a truly engaging game to go along with it...

In the end, while I still recommend Beyond Good and Evil for its solid gameplay and absolutely excellent voice acting, the thing is... in the end?... the game is neither beyond good, nor beyond evil... it's simply... well?... just another game...

Y2kk Update: Heh... this is kind of ironic, actually... in an ironic sort of way, at least, whatever the hell that's supposed to mean... because you see?... the funny thing is... the most invigorating and involving fun I've had in the past month or so, hasn't come through just the internet, and it hasn't come through just the video gaming world... it came through a conglomerate of both, and I sure as hell ain't talking about that so-called online gaming, communist revolution crap that PS2 and Xbox fans keep spouting to us Nintendo fanboys, who quite frankly, shall forever refuse to hear the truth...

... heh... on the contrary... the most fun I've had all month didn't even come from a video game... but rather from the website that sells them...

Heard of the Electronic Arts Store glitch?... I was one of the first few (few thousand... at least...) to jump on the bandwagon...

... and God, was is it ridiculously fun, just to keep experimenting and laughing at EA's stupidity!... for those of you who didn't get a chance at seeing what all the online furor and excitement was about, let me just recant to you that you missed a hell of a good time... Because you see, if you bought any of Electronics Arts' 2004 line-up of games, you'll see that they all came with a not very unique code to punch into their internet website for cheat codes and e-mail offers and crap like that... but what you probably didn't know, was that for three select games: Fifa 2004, Lord of the Rings: Return of the King, and Need for Speed: Underground, putting in the codes for these games would allow you to take an online EA survey... and by completing each survey for each game, you were granted a coupon to use at the EA online store on almost any single game... but the thing is... ummm?... there were three problems with this for EA... ahem...

... first of all, none of the codes from the games were unique... meaning that anyone could use them, regardless of whether they bought the game or not... and considering the internet is all about spreading piracy like wildfire?... obviously, it didn't take long for all the codes to circulate throughout the whole goddam net...

... second, once the codes were punched into the website and the survey taken, since none of the codes were unique, you could simply enter the code into the EA system yet again and get another coupon that way... and another coupon... and another... and another... and another... Hell, I myself have about 40 EA coupon codes stored in a txt file somewhere in my computer, none of them being used (since sadly enough, I pretty much only played around with this "glitch" or exploit in EA Store's systems, and didn't actually buy anything, actually...).

And thirdly? Umm... didn't EA know that there were three actual legal coupons that anybody could use, regardless of whether they had bought games or not? One of them took 25% off the price of a game, one of them took another $15 off, and another took yet another $10 US off the price of a game... and the thing is... umm?... since you can for some odd reason, combine all those coupons into one... hell, take Fifa 2004 for example. Already with the legit coupons, it brought the price of the latest soccer game from $49.99, all the way down to $18.71 US... and when you combined that with the three illegal coupons that anyone could get by just putting in generic codes into the EA survey site?... believe me when I say this, because most of my friends honestly thought I was bullshitting them when I made this claim... and hell, I couldn't even believe my own eyes until I saw the final online bill itself... because goddammit, Ripley's believe me or not, I got the price of any - and I mean any - 2004 Electronics Arts game (Fifa 2004, Freedom Fighters, Lord of the Ring: Return of the King, NHL 2004 - and hell, even the just released The Sims: Busting Out) all the way down... to just 52 frickin' cents US!... that's fifty-two fucking cents for a brand new game, shipped to your house! No shit, no tax (though there was still S/H for some games)... and hell, I was able to get older EA games like 007 Nightfire and Def Jam Vendetta all the way to just 19 frickin' goddam cents for a whole, fucking game! Fucking, Citizen Kane unbelievable...

... though yup... that sounds about right... that sounds about the value of an EA game for you there...

But sorry to anyone who still wants to exploit Electronics Arts some more, for all the millions and millions they've taken from us gamers through shitty sequels... this exploit became known to me sometime in early US Thanksgiving week I think... but by Thanksgiving weekend or something? Obviously, sites like Fatwallet and CheapAssGamer had spread the news to just about everyone, and the EA Store site started crashing from all the hits... and obviously, it didn't take long for EA to wise up and realize why their number of sales was suddenly exceeding their quarterly revenues... but the thing is... obviously, before the whole glitch thing was finally fixed by the following Monday morning or something (good thing too... some leeches were buying hundreds of games to sell at full price, thanks to this shit), I wasn't that stupid or moronic or moralist, not to simply take a chance and experiment to see whether EA would actually medal of honour the online sales that they actually did make... so before I had fully discovered the secret to getting every game down to a max of 52 cents US, I ordered Electronic Arts' Need for Speed: Underground (Xbox) for $6.85 (no shipping and handling costs), and what do you know?... they actually honoured the agreement... and hell, they honoured it fast... I bought the game in early Thanksigiving week, the second day that I knew about this exploit... and?... the game was shipped to me the Monday after, and actually arrived on my door the very morning after... Now that's definitely worth $6.85, don't you think?

... actually, I don't really know... it ended up being $9.16 CDN on the VISA bill in the end... I sort of feel jipped...

Well, I feel jipped that I bought the game the morning after the Canadian dollar dropped a hell of lot in value, but I sure as hell can't complain about the game itself... Now, the thing is, I used to be a huge Need for Speed fan, actually... or at least, I was when the first game was released for the PC so many years ago... I personally think that the original Need for Speed is still the best damn "realistic" racer ever made, even though it was quite arcady by today's standards... I mean, I never liked the Gran Turismo series, and I could never get into that Sega GT crap or anything... and hell, I couldn't even get into the later Need for Speeds, as even the second game felt lacking somehow aside from the co-op action, the Hot Pursuits were simply atrocious in my opinion, and as for Porsche Unleashed?... let's not go there... let us never speak of Porsche Unleashed again... So obviously, I fell pray to the usual conspiracy theories that abound about EA: that they realized they had made a mistake by making Need for Speed so damn good right out of the box, that to milk the franchise for decades and decades on, they took out every single little thing that was decent in the game, and made that horrible Hot Pursuit 2 for the Gamecube last year as a result... but still... knowing the EA conspiracy curse as I call it? Well... the thing is, as with a select few titles like EA's NHL 2003, Electronic Arts "accidentally" gets the gaming formula right again once in a blue moon, and actually produces a damn fun game (which they must've recognized, because they essentially shitted all over NHL 2004... although I still do like the dynasty mode...). So the moral of this story? Sure, Hot Pursuit 2 wouldn't even be worth the 19 cents that I would've had to pay for it online, but eventually, Electronic Arts does slip up, and actually makes a decent game...

There... I've said it... I know it hurts, and I know it's unprecedented, coming from a Nintendo fanboy at heart, but... goddammit, I admit it! Need for Speed: Underground is potentially the best damn racing game since... well?... Mario Kart: Double Dash, actually... but kart racers aside, it's definitely the best damn racing game since... well?... F-zero GX, actually... but, umm... all Nintendo franchises aside, truth be told, I will admit with God as my witness, that Need for Speed: Underground is the best damn racing game I've played since Need for Speed 2, or hell, even since the very original that I still hold high on a pedestal to this day... But what exactly is it about Need for Speed: Underground that's actually worthy of praise? Well, first of all, although the graphics looked quite bland at first, I must admit that with late-in-the-game glossy paint and all the reflections in the puddles of water on the streets, I was very impressed with the atmosphere that the game created on the Xbox... Now, obviously, considering there's really only one racing "stage" or track or whatever in this game, EA really could've worked harder at making the streets look better than a PS2 racer. And I'll admit that at the start of the game, when all the cars have stock parts in them, that the game does look quite awful and woeful with a toeful of cleavage, all thanks to the monotonous graphics. But the real beauty of Need for Speed: Underground lies in the all the motion blurring, which looked awful to me at first since I obviously wasn't driving fast enough cars... but by the end of the 112 race long "Underground Mode"? My car was tearing the streets at such a blinding speed, that hell, thanks to all the smooth motion blurring, the game felt almost as fast as F-zero GX did, even without 60fps to help the effects fly by... it's just too bad it took 100 or so races to get to that point...

As for the sound effects in this game? None were really that special, but all were done decently enough that it really helped the atmosphere of the game. I simply love the sound of splashing water as my tires skid along the edges of rainy roads. I simply love the whoosh that street lights make as I pass them by at literally blinding speeds. And hell's bells, this is actually the first Xbox game that I've found 5.1 Dolby Digital sound useful in! I can actually hear the cars creeping up behind me far more clearly than I ever could hear Grunts in Halo or planes in Crimson Skies. And as for the music in this game?... okay, this is going be a real first for me, but... I'll admit it, since today seems to be a day for first... I actually love the <gasp!> EA Trax soundtrack in this game!... Now, obviously I have some complaints. I hate the rap in the main menu screen, so I turned that off in the options. And most songs that they put into the EA Trax have very little to do with racing, but lots to do with selling CDs for Electronic Arts... but you see! When the music is good, that's alright, because I love at least half of the songs they put into this game, ranging from Crystal Something to Static X... I love hearing the beat of the bass as I give the middle finger to whatever CPU controller idiots I ram into the sideboards. And I'll admit, that when I tried playing this game without the music to it, it was far more boring than it ever was with the EA Trax. And thus, I have to give hats off to EA... sure, they chose songs solely as in terms of cash cow milking, but goddammit, as long as the songs are good, do I care?... I think not...

But the real Thanksgiving meat and potatoes of the game comes through the "Underground" story mode, although I use the term "story" very loosely... Sure, I have lots of complaints. For starters, the plotline is as thin in this game as it is in the NHL series, which I don't particularly mind, but I certainly was hoping for something more after a few movies near the start of Underground mode had me believing that there actually was more... I also have to really complain about all the tracks in this game being... umm... one single track... Now, don't get me wrong. Considering there's only one track in this game, it's unbelievable how many variables of it are possible, and for the most part, I never got bored of driving through the same streets, as long as the EA Trax were blaring in the background... but the thing is, eventually, by race 60 or 70 or something, the tracks did get boring, and had me really wishing that Nintendo would actually copy an EA idea for once and make Cruisn' USA: Underground or some crap like that... And another complaint I have? This may be ironic, coming from a guy who loves the Mario Kart series, but... I hated the rubberband AI in this game. I absolutely, vehemently loathed it with a passion. I mean, I can ride the brakes like a grandma most of the time, and thanks to the computer driving like retards when they're in front of me, ramming into walls and traffic as they please, I can still win as long as I simply boost past them near the end. But whenever I drive flawlessly at the front of the pack? There's always something that goes wrong, like traffic hitting me out of nowhere, or racers from my rear somehow catching up to my ass and knocking me senseless into a wall... And what really bugged me the most, was how AI difficulty was uneven all over the place! I mean, around race 85, I got stuck on one damn circuit race thanks to one damn car that I could never goddam catch, no matter how much I boosted, no matter how well I drove, no matter what difficulty I chose... and the only way I finally beat him on perhaps my 25th try, was to ram his ass straight into a truck near the start of the race... and yet on race 86 or something, which actually was for a new seed in the rankings? I smoked all the racer's asses on the first try, as they couldn't even keep up with me before the first lap was over... and once again, the problems abounded around race 95 or something, which I had been stuck on for the past week of exams! And just this morning, when I finally beat that fucking whore of a 6 lap race race, I managed to get through the rest of the game on almost my very first try, and it's not because I was driving well... on the contrary... I was actually going to report here that at least the final race of the game was hard as hell, considering no matter what I tried, I couldn't catch up to whoever was driving that monster of a thing for the first two laps... until the final lap... we were nearing the final straightaway, and I had already used up all of my nitro boosts to no avail... and then all of a sudden, around a corner, the car I was racing against just suddenly disappeared! I thought that maybe it had sped right past me out of view, but when I finished the race in first place, I looked at the final stats... and... WTF? I beat that last boss' ass by fourteen seconds by being in second the whole damn time? Honestly, what the fuck?...

But despite all these problems that conspiratists undoubtedly would believe EA put in the game on purpose, I must still admit that Underground mode was fun as hell... I still have more complaints, like how I absolutely hated drift mode, and how you can't truly customize the performance of your car (all upgrades do the same thing, regardless of which package you choose)... but simply from the fact that you can at least customize the look of your car, right down to the style of neon lights down below?... simply from the fact that everything about the racing itself feels so damn nice, as finally I've found a racing game where I actually enjoy using the brakes more than the handbrake?... simply from the fact that the motion blurring and all the street lights, not to mention the rush of relief I feel every single damn time I avoid missing traffic by a mere hair, creates one damn slick racing atmosphere in what is a very well designed city for racing... and simply from the fact that with the EA Trax tunes, combined with competitive (though very annoying) AI racers... all made Underground mode the game for me to play during my third year, first term exam time, despite all the other games I have on backlog display... although I guess technically speaking, I shouldn't have been playing video games at all... hrmm... but anyhew...

I mean, sure EA as always, messed up so many aspects of the game, from the fact that there's no four player mode on one console (I think... don't quote me on that... I better double check first), to the fact that crashes (especially when you use a damn fast car) take so damn long to recover from thanks to all the Matrix slo mo, to the very inconvenience of not having many pre-suped up cars to use in multiplayer... and hell, the game is quite glitchy in the end for a racing game as well, as I often see black, ever growing blobs in the background (swallowing buildings, for good measure), I've seen cars literally appear out of nowhere just to hit me for some odd reason, and hell, there was this one time that I narrowly avoided hitting a car in traffic, only to somehow fall into a bottomless pit in the road (and no, there are no holes to fall through in this game)... but with all the above said, I simply cannot deny the fact that I love the whole feel of racing in this game... I love getting totaled in drag racing, as it provides some of the best damn tension thanks to all the best damn manual shifting that I've ever seen in a multiplayer racing game... I absolutely love traffic (at least when they don't fill the whole road just to get me out of first place), as not only does it make races feel so damn dynamic and frantic and random, but also makes the game somehow feel more real, and somehow more like the original... I absolutely love the feel and motion of the cars as they ride uphill and downhill, as the shocks and the brakes and the nitros in this game are truly a controller's dream, not to mention pure eye candy for the insane... although I complain about the ugliness of the girls in this game (Samantha looks like a frickin' mutant in the movies), at least there's always hat girl to look forward to, and at least the cars look damn good themselves, even without hot babes to sell the bloody hell Mitsubishi commercials... and though I complain about the monotony of always racing in the same damn city, I will assert yet again that the courses in this game (especially the sprint ones) are some of the best damn, designed courses I've ever seen in a racing game to date... And yes, even though it was a royal pain in the ass to go through all of Underground mode, I will still admit, that Need for Speed: Underground has achieved something that only F-zero GX has achieved before... it made me proud of the car that I had created... I mean, sure, I felt jipped by the rewards I got in the end (the magazine covers sucked)... because nevertheless, I loved Underground mode... because the car I created?... hell... it felt like it was mine...

... and it's kind of ironic, isn't it?... in an ironic sort of way... while Need for Speed: Underground is overly simple in design at times, and certainly has it's fair share of problems (I mean it when I say drift mode literally hurts my hands)... I guess it's just ironic... that the one game that I bought from Electronic Arts?... is probably the one and only, EA game, that actually is worth more than the 52 cents I could've gotten it for...

... but for $6.85?... $9.16 CDN?... I dunno... let me get back to you on that...

Y2kk Update: Okay, I guess this wasn't exactly the smartest move on my behalf... I was desperate for one last game before final exams the other week, so looking in the used Xbox game section of the downtown store that I always go to, I saw too definite contenders... On the one hand, there was Rainbow Six 3, a game I'm sure I'd like if I'd only give it a chance, but... it was also a game I was already hating and spiting, all thanks to the mere fact that there is no 2 player co-op outside of Xbox Live or System Link (hell, I'd even choose Unreal 2 over this piece of crap, all thanks to that one fact alone)... and on the other hand?... There was Microsoft's / Fasa Studio's Crimson Skies: High Road to Revenge, a game that I was nervous about at first, considering I haven't enjoyed a plane fighter game since Star Fox 64... but I simply couldn't let this game just slide by me, if only because of all the stellar reviews that it was Alias garnering from place to place... So in essence, I did my impulse buy thing, picked up the last used copy of the game, and in my opinion, were all the Crimson Skies reviews dead on with their supposed, pinpoint accuracy?...

The only problem is, I don't. And when I tried this game in regular multiplayer just last week? The thing is, it was almost like Microsoft doesn't give a damn about offline multiplayer anymore... I mean, sure I can put most of the lack-of-fun blame on the fact that my brother and his friend royally sucked at the game, not to mention the fact that I still can't do barrel rolls or whatever kind of moves without getting really damn airsick (so I just choose to run around in circles basically...)... so obviously, considering none of us could really hit each other with anything but a random shot, regular dogfights in splitscreen mode wasn't exactly our cup of earl gray tea... But the thing is... immediately after we got bored of Crimson Skies multiplayer after just about fifteen minutes, we instantly went back to Mario Kart: Double Dash, and didn't get bored once while playing that for the rest of the night... maybe that was because we were used to the Mario Kart play mechanics from the original Mario Kart and Mario Kart 64, I don't know... but all I know is, one of the games we played that night was fun in multiplayer, and one of them wasn't...

That's not to say I don't like Crimson Skies. On the contrary... it simply took me quite a long while to get into the groove of things thanks to the tutorial known as the single player campaigns, thank you very much... now, I may still get airsick and quite possibly seasick from all those moves you do by clicking the right thumbstick (which for me, wasn't very good control-wise either, considering my finger kept slipping off the right analog whenever I swayed it left or right), but the thing that made single player fun on normal difficulty at least, was that I didn't need to do any of these fancy moves, really... It was just pure chicken fights in the air, and follow the leader with the boosts... and except for the final stages, I got away with it all by just upgrading the Devestator and the Brigand, and using as much money as I could on the repair stations mid-battle (which makes no logical sense in real life, mind you). And although I still don't get how there could be homing missiles, bullet proof zeps, and whirlwind producing turbines in the world of the 1930s, I still must admit, that all of these sci-fi features combined, pretty much made for a pretty decent single player ride to revenge... I mean, although it is kind of stupid how all I do is use the brakes, slowly fly around, and snipe targets at a distance these days, I also must admit... that sniping with the Brigand's tank-like guns is fun as hell, as long as you don't get sniped in the ass in the process...

And that's basically all there is to the game. It's such a quick and easy game to pick up (once you get past the fact that even tapping the right analog stick will make you feel dizzy at hell), that in single player mode at least, I sort of enjoyed it more than I even do Mario Kart... but the thing is... When I first picked up this game, I knew that I was picking up a game designed solely for crappy Xbox Live, and not for the single player experience... and I was perfectly fine with that. With final exams coming up for the term, I just wanted a game that was quick and easy to play, to Crimson tide me over whenever I feel like procrastinating... but not take up all my time like Zelda: the Wind Waker did to me during final exams last term... And while I was playing through Crimson Skies, I didn't mind one damn bit that all the stages were so linear, and that after only about ten hours of gameplay, I was already nearing the end finale... but the thing is... while I bought this game because it was short?... the thing is... when I had finally beaten the game, watched that atrocious ending, and when the end credits started barrel rolling on screen?... what couldn't I help but think?...

And dammit, now I want Prince of Persia, if only because this game didn't even tide me over for the bloody hell short time that I wanted it to... Sure, I'm playing it through a second time around now, on hard difficulty, only to find that there's a ton of bugs that are annoying me to hell now (for some odd reason, my plane now gets stuck in the middle of mountains for no apparent reason now... and the last time I played the Navajo titanium mine stage? I somehow got stuck inside that downed Navajo zeppelin, without any way to get out... and to make matters worse, the bloody hell game saved a checkpoint while I was still stuck inside the damn zep of all places...)... and, well... I still don't like the controls in this game either, as I never touch the right analog anymore out of fear that I'll spin out of control and out of mind... The plotline is this game is simple and cliche at best, with the cutscenes barely being worth your time to watch... There's also the little things in this game that annoy me, like the fact that if I try to skip the repair station movies while listening to someone talking in the background, it cuts the speaking off too, causing me to miss whatever the hell was said... I also hated the fact that it took me forever to find the warehouse to snipe switches at in Chicago, since they noticably left that place off of the waypoint map... And the graphics? While the graphics of the mountains, planes, and zeppelins are all damn beautiful, thanks to rampant bumpmapping everywhere on everything... and though I prefer the effects in Metroid Prime better, the effect of rain dropping on the game camera is pretty damn nice in Crimson Skies as well... still, the thing is... two of the most beautiful sights in life, the sunrise and sunset, somehow are completely ruined in this game.... because in my copy at least, for some odd reason, sunlight reflecting off the water's surface causes the whole damn screen to pixellate up, and I really can't explain why... And apparently, I heard that the soundtrack to this game was released as a CD in stores. And in response, I only have one comment: what soundtrack? There's like two friggin' songs in this game! And both are cheesy (but match the mood set by the cutscenes and plotline, at least)! Sure, the music is catchy at times, if only because you hear it a million times fold in the single player campaigns, but how the hell can the music in this game actually be considered?... I don't know... CD quality?... maybe EA Trax quality, but still... even that's a stretch, as insulting as that is to say...

But despite all my complaints, I still will admit that while Crimson Skies is nowhere as fun to me as all the online reviews claimed it would be, I still can't get enough of dogfighting in downtown Chicago, ramming my plane propeller first into that damn Navajo follow-the-leader guy, or simply flying as high as the skies will take me, until I have an almost unobstructed view of the celestial sky... the little touches in this game, the little bits of freedom that actually do last in this game, is what makes Crimson Skies: High Road to Revenge definitely worth a purchase... while some reviews were way off, claiming Crimson Skies was GTA3 in the skies, I will admit that it gives me a sense of freedom and free-falling that no flying game has ever accomplished that I can ever remember... and that includes the Star Foxes (naturally, since they're rail shooters), that includes that god-awful Panzer Dragoon Orta, and that even includes the news Star Wars: Rebel Strike game (who's flying mechanics feel downright stiff and primitive compared to those in Crimson Skies)... now, I may be disappointed that Crimson Skies didn't even satisfy my gaming obsession for one damn week, but still... it is still definitely one of the better games out for the Xbox, and as it stands right now, it's definitely my favourite flying game for this generation of consoles, at least...

... sniff sniff... a tearful sniff sniff, that had me at hello... because this is it... the very last Star Trek: Enterprise mini-review until the goddam next year... and while I was so hoping that this week's episode, Carpenter Street, would end up leaving a joyful yet perilous feeling in my gut, like Shockwave Part 1 sort of did long time ago, the sad thing is... the odds were definitely stacked against this episode, considering I've never ever liked a Star Trek episode were they travel to the far flung past... I mean, I only liked certain parts of First Contact, I absolutely hated TNG's Time's Arrow, I personally think Star Trek 4 is the worst Trek movie next to that bloody hell, awful Star Trek 5... and just the other week, I caught Voyager's Future's End or whatever hell episode name it was called, when a human timeship from the 29th century ends up in the hands of a 1996 tech sector billionaire... and considering I hated every single thing in that two parter episode, except for perhaps the doctor getting his portable emitter? Then certainly I wouldn't like Carpenter Street, right? A time traveling episode that didn't even have the decency to be a November Sweeps, two-parter episode... and the thing is...

There was only one moment in it that I truly enjoyed... the human, vile villain certainly had his moments, not caring about terrorism as long as he gets paid, and eating like a slob in the company of a woman as fine as T'Pol... but definitely the very best thing he did this episode, was picking on a poor man in a wheelchair... that definitely pitted him as one of the best damn villains in Enterprise history, since we've all gotten far too used to fascist Romulans and overbadgering Klingons by this time and date... But the rest of the episode? Let's run down the list of characters in it... Mayweather was missing. No difference there... but it was sure as hell weird that Hoshi, Phlox, and Malcolm didn't even show up once in this episode, unless my memory is playing tricks on me... And Trip? Although I liked his reaction to why Archer and T'Pol entered the room, only to leave a second later with the Xindi bioweapon, the thing is... he didn't have anything to do either... Hell, even Porthos had more to do than he did, which kind of left me feeling empty, considering I wanted some sort of emotional follow-up to what happened to Trip last episode...

As for T'Pol, her only real character development was perhaps finally believing in time travel, as she pretty much stopped talking about the impossibilities of it by the time they started trying to steal cars. I guess she also got a taste of how humanity has truly evolved in the past century, as I think she was subtlely comparing to humans she's fallen in love with on Enterprise, to the evil man she was being forced to ride around with this episode... She also got to kick some ass with the Vulcan Nerve Pinch and stuff, plus she didn't really care about that non-interference crap when she brandished her phase pistol, but besides that? She was just an action hero this episode... and so was Archer, pretty much... Now, although I liked the idea that the Xindi were taking human blood samples for their bioweapon, the thing is, how the hell did they get to the past? And what's stopping them from sending more men to the past to simply wipe us out with our own nuclear weapons or something?... time travel paradoxes and time travel stupidities often get the best of me, which is sort of why I've always liked Daniels... because he never hides the fact that time travel is messed up. In fact, he loves messing with our heads even more, and with Archer's especially... I mean, I loved the scene where Archer tried to go medieval on Daniel's ass for abandoning him to the Xindi war. And while it doesn't make clear sense to me why changes in timelines must ripple up to the 29th century (when they can just scan time, mind you), it does make for one engrossing idea: that either Daniels is lying, or since the Xindi conflict was never supposed to happen, that there's a chance humanity actually may get destroyed... if this wasn't a TV show, that is... And as for Archer in the year 2004? His little moments, like stealing from an ATM machine, were actually pretty fun to watch. But while I wouldn't want a comedic episode in the vein of Star Trek 4, I was hoping for more references to how clueless 22nd century people are to 20th century earth technology, if only to make the episode feel more alive than that stupid Millennium Mars episode did on Voyager...

And for the rest of the episode, Archer and T'Pol just ran around, picking on the Xindi and making up some technobabble along the way in a highly forgettable rooftop chase scene... While I enjoyed some of the action (like the human villain trying to betray T'Pol), for the most part, it was just shoot and click with phase pistols, which bugged me to hell, because why wouldn't the Xindi just set his weapon to blow up whatever T'Pol was hiding behind?... but anyhew, even though Carpenter Street was not the overjoyous episode I was hoping it would be, it was still above average for a time travel episode if you ask me... though that's not saying much, I'm afraid... and I'm afraid, Enterprise won't get a chance to redeem itself in my eyes, not until January finally rolls around the corner... long after my bloody hell final exams, that is...

[c. visitors too bored to return...]
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