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If memory serves me right, I was really expecting 2006 to be a huge year in video games...

2006 was the year of both laughs and cries. Even I was absolutely dumbfounded and stupefied when the name of the "Nintendo Wii" was first announced prior to E3. And I was pissed off at the whole of the industry yet again, when E3 was announced to be cancelled from 2007 and on. WTF?...

This was the year of two major console launches (or three, if you count the Nintendo DSLite). How the fuck could I not have assumed it would be a huge year in gaming one year ago to this very day?...

The Playstation 3 arrived in stores in November to such incredible fanfare, only for its launch lustre to quickly wear off, as it's not actually hard to find the system on eBay going for less than its market price online any longer. During my weekend morning patrols for the Nintendo Wii, at 9 and 10 AM in the morning, I was still able to routinely find a few PS3's in stock on store shelves. I admit though, that most of the ones I found were the shitty ass, gimped 20GB models. But still though, it shows just how piss poor the PS3 launch line-up was and just how price conscious North America really is, when I saw plenty of eBay scalpers actually returning their PS3's to stores in the mornings, hoping to swap it for the Nintendo Wii which was instead the hot ticket product of the holiday season...

As my Tweakui update from last night will attest, I tried everything in my power to get a Nintendo fucking Wii, just so I could play my precious Legend of Zelda on the system with the new controller. Well, I did everything in my power, that is, except fucking camp over in the middle of the Canadian winter overnight at stores. Unfortunately for me however, the bitterly cold weather was not a fucking deterrent to all those eBay scalpers and all those psychotic soccer moms intent on getting their spoiled brats of children the latest and greatest toy for Christmas. Motherfucking mothers...

If I had indeed gotten a Nintendo Wii, perhaps my outlook on the gaming year of 2006 would've ended up different? Instead, while I never did succumb to the temptation of actually camping outside of a fucking Best Buy or Wal-Mart store, I still find myself here and now as a cold, cynical bastard when it's all said and done, as if I really did freeze my ass outside in the great Canadian storms...

I just didn't have the urge to pull out all the stops for the Wii, when I myself got an Xbox 360 during the early goings of fall. It was on sale at the time, the GRAW holiday pack that came free with Gears of War that is (from Rogers Video... motherfucking Rogers...). And suffice to say, even though my brother and I didn't have an HDTV at the time (we played on a Toshiba 43" SDTV projection instead), it was a nice experience to get out of the gaming ghetto of the original Xbox and the Gamecube, and to move onto greener and "greater" pastures...

New "next generation" system or not? There was just something disappointing about the year of 2006 that I just can't shake, something that my former self from 2005 may simply not have been able to goddam fathom...

Last year, there were so very few lulls when it came to great games. Whether I had Brothers in Arms for the Xbox in the spring, Resident Evil 4 in the summer, or Fire Emblem in the fall, there was just such a complete set of games for me last year (compared to 2006, at least) to the point where I never really got bored. Granted, I did have more time to play my games back then, considering I was only working at the fucking government, where obviously I never went home as fucking tired as I do now. But still, something just felt lacking in 2006, not when it came to the system launches themselves but rather the games that actually came out for the current systems all year long...

That's not to say I was completely disappointed. The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess will forever go down as one of the best games I have ever played in my life, Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney was perhaps the best damn non-conventional game I have ever experienced, and Rainbow Six: Vegas only further fuelled and fed my newfound obsession with 24 (the television show)...

But aside from the former of these three? Every gaming experience this year for me has felt just a tad bit hollow...

... maybe I'm just getting jaded, maybe it's the fucking GAF effect or something, maybe I'm just bitter at not getting a Nintendo fucking Wii, but really?...

Sure, 2006 was a hell of a lot more exciting than 2005 when it came to the news and the goddam headlines...

... but it was also was one of the most overall unsatisfying years in video gaming history, in my honest opinion at least...

Best Game of the Year - The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess (Gamecube)
Runners-up: 1 - Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney (Nintendo DS), 2 - Rainbow Six: Vegas (Xbox 360)

Was there any fucking doubt about what would get my goddam best game of the entire damn year?...

Not only was The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess the best fucking game of the year, but it also ranks right up there with A Link to the Past and the legendary Ocarina of Time in my mind...

Does it ever really reach the pinnacle that those two games did? No, nothing can, and I think in this day and age, it's obvious why...

Twilight Princess was more or less, simply Ocarina of Time redux. At times, it even felt like far too much of a fan-service, giving the North American crowd exactly what they wanted without any real risk like there was with Wind Waker (which I for one, still love to this very day). But while obviously at times I wished that more of that original Nintendo magic was found in Twilight Princess, I still was absolutely engulfed, amazed and obsessed with the title for the whole 32 hours that it took me to finally get to the last fucking boss and see the ending...

I played the game on the Gamecube, and obviously considering Twilight Princess was rebilled as essentially a Nintendo Wii launch title, I did miss out on half of the newfound experiences I felt. Still, there's simply no denying that aside from a few wonky controls (climbing vines, controlling the camera, etc...), there is no fucking game out there right now that I would ever choose over The Legend of fucking Zelda. Whether it was riding Epona across the insanely vast plains of Hyrule Field, sharing in the grievances of Midna as your shadow, or forging your way through a grand total of nine fucking dungeons (most of which rank right up there with Ocarina of Time's classics of the Forest and Fire Temples), this game was simple inspiring...

Now, I may say this far too often for The Legend of Zelda, but I never say it enough when it comes to gaming as a whole...

Beacuse I mean, so few games every break from the mold of being just blockbuster entertainment...

And Twilight Princess easily outshone The Wind Waker, Metroid Prime, Super Smash Bros Melee, and hell, even Resident Evil 4...

The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess alone saved 2006 from goddam gaming mediocrity...

... and God, do I ever want to play the game again on the Nintendo fucking Wii...

The "current" generation of consoles were pretty much shunned this year, half because of the new rash of systems off on the horizon (and the Xbox 360, no doubt), and half because a lot of the attention had switched over to the handheld battle between the Nintendo DS and the Sony PSP (not like it's currently much of a battle, with the DS outselling the PSP 2:1 or more in most regions...)...

Problem is, even though I've been an avid collector of games for the Nintendo DS, none really captured and captivated me like I had hoped after falling in love with Mario Kart DS (and to some extent, Animal Crossing DS) late last year. I was really starting to get worried, that maybe "simplistic" handheld gaming was just not for me, as no matter how many games I tried, none in the early half of 2006 ever seemed to truly click with me...

Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney was a game I never really gave a chance to early on. I mean honestly, how the fuck would I ever have assumed that I'd absolutely fall in love with a title about a fucking lawyer battling it out in court cases? WTF?...

I bought the game off of Amazon simply because it was rare. I wanted it for the collection at the time, that's all...

Now look at me though, literally frothing in anticipation at the arrival of the US-ported sequel later this very month. Fuck, I was even tempted to pick up the Japanese version of the game at a local specialty store for fifty fucking bucks Canadian the other day. That's how much I fell in love with Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney, as it pretty much stands right next to The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess as the only saving graces of this entire year of gaming for me...

How the fuck would I have ever dreamed that for first time since literally Harry's House of Horrors back during the Wolfenstein and Doom PC era, that I would fucking fall in love with a point and click adventure? Now, it's not like Phoenix Wright didn't have its flaws, as some of the evidence presented required fucking leaps of faith to analyze, and I really found myself hating the final (and tacked on) chapter in the fucking game. But these small flaws aside, Phoenix Wright was literally the only other title besides Zelda this year, where I literally couldn't wait to get back home from work to continue on the fucking chapters in the game...

... sigh... I almost don't want to pick a third best game of the year, but since it's tradition for me to do so?...

Technically, there were only three Xbox 360 games I enjoyed this year. Those were Gears of War, NBA 2K7, and Rainbow Six: Vegas...

... meanwhile, I preferred to continue playing the original Halo on the original Xbox, thank you very much...

But if I have to choose between any of those three decent "next generation" games? Rainbow Six: Vegas gets the nod...

Sure, I wish the graphics in Vegas were up to Gears of Wars standards, and I wish there was a proper campaign co-op mode like the latter as well. I'm just not into and never have been into the Rainbow Six series when it comes to reloading my gun in the middle of a fucking doorway online. I've always been a Halo fan at heart, and I've just never really had it in me to put the time and the patience into the Rainbow Six series...

... so the mere fact that I'm enjoying a Rainbow Six game for the first time since the very original, is worth a nod or two in the end, I suppose...

On normal difficulty, Rainbow Six: Vegas really turned out to be the best Rainbow Six game ever devised for a casual gamer. The team work of moving your men into position and taking the hits for you, seems ripped right out of Ubisoft's earlier efforts of Brothers in Arms and random crappy console Rainbow Six games from the past. This time around though, everything finally felt so damn polished, as for once it didn't feel like Ubisoft and its programmers fucking hated themselves for "dumbing" down the series for the masses...

I personally felt they found a perfect blend between the casual and the hardcore in normal difficulty. You still can't run and gun, it still requires you to kneel before taking any decent shot at the enemy, and you still require all those strategies of flanking the enemy and knowing your surroundings. But thank God you can actually take some hits and recover from them now, thank God you can heal your teammates when they take the shots and go down, and thank God the developers made the fucking automatics in the game into something worthwhile to use for accuracy for once...

It's not a perfect game, and I still wish I had my fucking Halo 1 (not Halo 2 though, since that was a potato sack of fucking bullshit...)...

But as the very first Rainbow Six since the very original, that has ever caught my attention and kept it for more than five fucking minutes straight?

... as it along with NBA 2K7 are really the only reasons I'm not disgusted with the Xbox 360 as the system stands this year...

Best Story of the Year - The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess (Gamecube)
Runners-Up: 1 - Rainbow Six: Vegas (Xbox 360), 2 - Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney (Nintendo DS)

A lot of fans have grown to loathe the simplicity of The Legend of Zelda series, when it comes to it storylines and shit like that...

Now while obviously, I do concede the fact that the NPC's in Twilight Princess were far too much of card-board cut-outs and way too one-dimensional compared to Clocktown in Majora's Mask or even the better characters you meet in The Wind Waker, I just still can't accept any real criticism when it's leveled against the main storyline itself...

Maybe I went a bit over the top when comparing The Wind Waker with Shakespeare long ago, but the basic principle there still stands. The Legend of Zelda has always been about the most touching of archetypes, about the growth of a young, naive boy into a seasoned, battle-hardened warrior. And looking back at Twilight Princess, going from my save file at the end of the game right back to the very starting prologue, I really do feel that this entry in the series was the absolute best at replicating the experience of that innocent original archetype, since at least Ocarina of Time itself...

The story wasn't told so well in cutscenes, but the experience itself of Twilight Princess was simply the best I had felt in any game since the N64. Each of the dungeons told a story in themselves, and it was so obvious to just feel the meaning and the morals behind Twilight Princess, if only one doesn't rush through it assuming it'd all be explained to them in fucking FFVII cutscenes...

Now I do admit, I did rush through the game myself. A lot of regular gamers took as many as 60 hours to just get through the main quest, while I somehow managed to get half the poes, most of the golden bugs, and practically every single heart piece in just 32 hours. Rushing is sort of expected a bit though, when you're working during pretty much all your waking hours and you just can't help but feel the wear and tear of sleep at night...

But maybe it's just because of my nostalgic, rose-coloured and sometimes clouded eyes, but I couldn't get enough of the feeling I got when riding Epona throughout the fields of Hyrule. A great story doesn't need massive CG cutscenes or voice acting or any shit like that, but rather a great fucking experience and the fucking gamer providing the epic story for himself...

All I do know, is that I felt closer and more connected to Hyrule and its characters than I ever felt in any fucking RPG before...

Sadly, there really wasn't any other game this year that had quite the atmosphere of The Legend of Zelda, and there really wasn't a fucking game that screamed out a creative plotline through voice acting or cutscenes either...

I was tempted to put Baten Kaitos Origins here, considering the story so far does seem to be a fair bit more fleshed out than it was the original. But thanks to Twilight Princess, I became quite side-tracked with the former Gamecube RPG, and kind of left Baten Kaitos Origins to rot as gutter trash in the backlog for now. It wouldn't be quite fair to name it an award when I'm not even half done the fucking game...

What about Oblivion then? The problem is, I fucking hate massive, open-ended RPGs. I hated Morrowind, and I haven't even gotten past the Captain Picard segments in Oblivion to see if the game itself on the Xbox 360 is really a goddam improvement over its predecessors. So that's off the table as well...

So what does that leave? A two-way tie between Rainbow Six: Vegas and Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney, the only two games besides Zelda that I actually did really enjoy during this past year of gaming...

Rainbow Six: Vegas has such an obvious, dumbass story. Terrorists have taken over Vegas, as some sort of ruse for a bigger plan somewhere else. Then the game ends on a fucking cliffhanger, the kind of which any Halo 2 fan would've risen in arms against, considering Ubisoft is right up there with EA at fucking milking their goddam franchises...

Then again, this was also the year where I went through every fucking season of 24 in a single month of a marathon while I was still goddam working. So obviously, any plotline with fucking endless terrorists shooting the fuck out of me from cover is good enough for an award from me...

And as for Ace Attorney? I wasn't really impressed with the storylines of each and every chapter themselves, but I really did start feeling for the individual characters when it was all said and done. How the fuck can't I get a man-crush on Edgeworth of all prosecutors, when the guy let out a "w00t w00t w00t" when the fourth chapter was all said and done? Like most Japanese games, there was simply too much talking in Ace Attorney at times for its own good, but there's also just no denying that the core characters of Edgeworth, Phoenix Wright's best friend, and Mia's little sister turned out to be some of the most memorable NPC's that any game in recent memory has to offer...

Now, if only Jack Bauer could round up all those terrorists from Rainbow Six: Vegas, and put them on trial with Phoenix Wright in charge?...

Best Multiplayer Game of the Year - Gears of War (Xbox 360)
Runners-Up: 1 - Rainbow Six: Vegas (Xbox 360), 2 - NBA 2K7 (Xbox 360)

I've gotta admit, that while the Xbox 360 has been disappointing for the most part in terms of single-player experiences? It really has taken the mantle away from the Halo-box already, as the best damn system for multiplayer in this day and age...

Now, I'm not fan of Xbox Live or any shit like that (even though I subscribed to it... by accident really, as I forgot to cancel our free trial run...). I played Battlefield 2 for a while, if only because of its dumbass run and gun simplicity, but really nothing else. I've always been about multiplayer experiences on the same damn console, when it comes to parties with the cousins or get-togethers with the friends. Or really, my main benchmark is always about just how much time can be passed when playing in co-op with my brother while he is home...

Gears of War was an overall disappointing game for me, despite the fact that it probably has the best damn graphics I have ever seen in a game (console or not). I've experienced it both on an SDTV and a HDTV LCD, and both times I admit I was awed by the graphical architecture and all the bells and whistles that came along with the package. It's just that, the gameplay itself left much to be desired...

The only thing that truly did impress me about Gears of War when it comes to things that matter, was the campaign co-op mode. Never since the Halo series (and arguably only the original Halo) have I had this much enjoyment from experiencing a title in fucking co-op mode. It's something that so many companies these days completely ignores or forgets, except through online co-op shit that I personally just can't give a crap about. Gears of War on the other hand though, perfectly tailored the experience to playing alongside a friend. While the single player in Gears of War was absolute shit, the multiplayer was one of the best I have ever had on any system in the past few years...

What was even more of a plus was that unlike other co-op games on the Xbox 360 (GRAW and Rainbow Six: Vegas, I'm looking at you...), the split screen experience on a single console didn't fuck up the graphics one fucking bit. While anything from Ubisoft looks like a bloody mess in two player mode, Gears of War still look absolutely stunning in clarity and colour, even on the old SDTV that I used to play it on. While in Rainbow Six: Vegas, I struggle to make out a fucking pixel on screen that could be a fucking terrorist sniping my ass, I never have such a problem with precision and accuracy in Gears of War co-op. And the tag team feature, of being able to heal other, is exactly the kind of gameplay implementation that made the original Halo into the fucking benchmark for all co-op games to follow...

So why is it then, that it took until now and the raw processing power of the Xbox 360, to get even one fucking worthy co-op successor to Halo? That is a question I'd definitely like to know the answer for...

Rainbow Six: Vegas is a solid game in single-player, if only thanks to my mood of sniping the asses of terrorists from 24...

But in co-op mode? What the fuck is wrong with Ubisoft? Why the fuck won't they let us get through the actual campaign mode with a friend by our side? Why the fuck did they make their game look like a bloody hell, blurry as fuck mess when in split screen mode? Why is it that when we are playing the shitty ass co-op stages available, that the game also takes away our two fucking AI squad members? Why the fuck does Ubisoft do the same kind of bullshit they pulled on the Xbox and PS2 with their Ghost Recon and Brothers in Arms series, when they now have the raw processing power of the fucking Xbox 360? Cutting corners, WTF?...

Suffice to say, I was very disappointed that Ubisoft had not learned their lessons when it came to fucking co-op on the Xbox 360. Did they hear none of our complaints when it came to GRAW earlier in the year? Or was it actually some lameass, lazy ass design choice, to not bother with decent graphics in split screen mode, and to not increase the difficulty or tailor the game experience to having you and a friend take on the terrorists as a tag team? WTF?...

Still, I will admit though that even with the shitty ass co-op options available in the game? I still at times prefer to play Rainbow Six: Vegas, if only because the core gameplay itself is so much more polished and in-depth than it ever was in Gears of War. The AI in Vegas is just so much more dynamic and so much more surprising, that it adds so much more replay value to the multiplayer missions, even though the missions themselves are a pale shadow of what they are in the single-player campaign...

If anything, I'm just giving this award to Rainbow Six: Vegas because I like sniping terrorists square between the eyes...

But having fucking clarity and resolution when doing so on my fucking LCD HDTV, is that too much to fucking ask?...

If there's any game that really has taken up all the gameplay time on the Xbox 360, it's NBA 2K7.

Now, I've always loved the NBA 2K series, ever since its first incarnation back on the ol' Sega Dreamcast. The core gameplay has always been solid, and the multiplayer with family and friends has been ever better...

NBA 2K7 for the Xbox 360 has its fair share of flaws, especially the fucking fact that I can't hit my fucking free throws (since everyone has their own distinct shots), and as always, this year's version has more than enough glitches to go around. But it wouldn't be fair for me to leave it out of the multiplayer gaming awards, when really 2K7 is the title that my brother and I have played the most together out of all fucking games this year...

Still, a sports game is a sports game. And while NBA 2K7 has really wowed us in terms of widescreen graphics and almost creepy-realistic animations, I almost prefer the root gameplay of the series back on the original Xbox at times. Still, when it comes to framerate and the fact that the wireless Xbox 360 controllers are near bliss? NBA 2K7 simply takes the overall cake, in terms of always being the game we fall back to as NBA basketball fans, as taking each other on with random teams just never ever gets boring...

Now sure, the same can be said for pretty much any basketball and NHL game we've played in the past, as we're just that much of sports game whores...

... even if, looking at the competition, there really was no-one else who did...

Most Surprisingly Good Game - Gun (Multiplatform)
Runners-Up: 1 - Medal of Honor: European Assault (Multiplatform), 2 - Tomb Raider: Legend (Multiplatform)

But truth be told, I was absolutely shocked by the production values of the game. There was just a sense of freedom in Gun, that simply can't be ignored or denied...

The actual run and gun gameplay of Gun wasn't anything special. It was addicting in sort of a mind-numbing way at times, yes. But still overly simplistic with not much depth in the end. Thankfully though, that's not what I reminisce most about the game...

I've tried horseback riding in Shadow of the Colossus, and I don't care what the Sony fanatics say about it being "realistic" with the reigns. The horse controlled like pure horseshit, and that's the end of that. And even when it comes to my precious Zelda: Twilight Princess? It pisses me off sometimes how it's so damn hard to turn the fuck around, or how unintuitive it is to dismount off of the horse while Epona is running (hold R and A, I believe...). The animations in Twilight Princess also at times felt off, as I really did miss the feel of Epona from Ocarina of Time, even if she was a bit "unrealistic" in terms of motions and controls when it was all said and done...

I don't know how it came to this, but out of all games with horseback riding in this generation of gaming?...

But I absolutely fell in love with just riding into the sunset in Gun. It was just overall such an amazing and unexpected experience, that how the fuck can't I name the game as my fucking most surprisingly good game of the year?...

... the advertisements never really stressed enough, about just how free you feel in this game as you're riding with the wind...

EA Sports meanwhile, has had a history of earning a few surprisingly good game awards from me. And why wouldn't they? How the fuck would I ever have expected Freedom Fighters and the Need for Speed Underground series to be anything else but pure unadulterated shit from the same company who brings us the shitasstic sequels to the NHL and NBA Live series? WTF?...

But here once again, EA left my jaw hanging to the ground. Even if they didn't release this game in 2006, this was when I played it on the Nintendo Gamecube, and I was shocked that they finally made a credible and addicting Medal of Honor entry...

A lot of fans found European Assault to be way too simplistic, and I can definitely somewhat agree. It has little to no depth compared to the squad-based tactics of Brothers in Arms, and the graphics were a complete eyesore compared to the eyecandy of Call of Duty 2 on the Xbox 360 at the time...

But I dunno, even if my squadmates were completely useless in European Assault? The gameplay itself, whether it was using a tommy gun or taken on Germans with a MP40, was just somehow so much more polished in feeling and fun factor than almost every other Medal of Honor game before it, that I was pretty much flabbergasted at the fact that the series had been abandoned by long time fans. Did they not enjoy the fact that the main character no longer moves like a tank or can now fire his automatic rifles with accuracy at the fucking goddam enemy? I for one loved the changes to the gameplay of the series, even if they still paled in comparison to the other WW2 fighters at the time...

I almost compare European Assault to Freedom Fighters. A lot of gamers simply scoffed at FF's piss poor graphics and simplistic duck and cover gameplay, but I for one fell in love with its so-called "repetitive" tactics, if only because they were implemented so damn effortlessly and well. The same goes for this new Medal of Honor game, as EA finally didn't give a shit about trying to impress us with their bullshot graphics or their goddam "realistic" add-ons, but rather concentrated on the fucking core gameplay that they used to know so well back in the SNES and Genesis days...

... and unfortunately for gamers like me, EA in their efforts to rediscover their fucking fun factor, were completely shunned by the industry that's come to loathe them for all the fucking years of shitty ass ports and derivative sequels...

Now I guess, I can't really blame gamers for never giving EA a second or third chance...

... but I can hate them if the next Medal of Honor game turns out to be fucking goddam shit, now can't I?...

There weren't many surprisingly good games released in 2006, but there were a few that I had in my backlog that I never played until this year. That includes Gun and Medal of Honor: European Assault, though I sort of anticipated those two types of titles to be decent in the end. I always seem to fall in love with horseback riding in games, and I always seem to enjoy having a disposable squad in first person shooters...

What I never saw coming though, was that for the first time in my goddam life? I actually found myself enjoying a goddam Tomb Raider game. WTF?...

My only real experience with the series was way back on my old Matrox m3d PowerVR card, as I used Tomb Raider as a tech demo to prove to all those fucking 3dfx evangelists at the time that PowerVR was the video card technology of the future (... yeah, that turned out well...). Since then, after I realized that the original Tomb Raider had little to no depth beyond the cup size of Lara fucking Croft? I found myself sadly enough enjoying the shitty ass Tomb Raider movies far more than I ever did the sequels of the original game itself. WTF?...

Anyhew, I picked up Tomb Raider: Legend for the Xbox 360 as a part of a deal. It was only $10, and yet still I was expecting to regret my decision...

But instead? For some odd reason, something just clicked with me in the latest incarnation (and sort of rebirth) of the series. Finally the game concentrated more on those Zelda-esque puzzles and exploration like the original did, as Lara Croft's bust factor was no longer the central premise of the fucking game. More to the point, I was actually tempted to give one of the best stories of the year award to Tomb Raider Legend, as the tale of King Arthur and the sword of Excalibur was actually thought out rather brilliantly in conjunction with the "death" of Lara's mother. It set up a sequel quite nicely as well, as for once, I've actually found myself waiting in anticipation for another fucking Tomb Raider game. WTF?...

Tomb Raider definitely had its flaws though. The combat system was trivial to me, and the game felt too short yet too repetitive at times as well. Never a good sign, but definitely still leaps and bounds better than anything that I used to know and hate from the goddam series before...

Not only that, but on the Xbox 360 at least (and on an SDTV, to be honest)? The game was gorgeous. Hell, if only Zelda: Twilight Princess looked this damn stunning in 480p (rather than just dithered to motherfucking hell...), I would be in goddam gaming heaven...

... and a thing for the goddam accident of a Tomb Raider game actually turning out to be good...

Most Disappointing Game - Gears of War (Xbox 360)
Runners-Up: 1 - Call of Duty 3 (Xbox 360), 2 - New Super Mario Bros. (Nintendo DS)

I suppose it's kind of odd, for me to claim that Gears of War was one of the few Xbox 360 games I actually did enjoy this year, for me to give the award of best multiplayer game of the year to the title, yet claim that Epic's newest third person shooter was also the biggest damn disappointment in 2006 as well...

I equate Gears of War to Halo 2, honestly. Both games wowed me with their graphics and their addictive gameplay at first, but neither title really had any real depth in the end to their shallow as hell gameplay. Gears of War still has the best damn graphics and textures I have ever witnessed outside of a CG motion flick, bar none, but none of that matters when the whole duck and cover routine just feels so damn derivative on the second playthrough. I've been spoiled by games like Brothers in Arms and Rainbow Six: Vegas from Ubisoft, where dynamic AI opponents actually change the gameplay in near unpredictable ways...

Even in hardcore mode (though I haven't tried insane difficulty), everything just feels so damn static in Gears of War, like a fucking goddam painting rather than a goddam interactive game, that it makes for a complete chore and a bore to ever go back to after experiencing just how shitty ass the last boss really was...

I know Halo 1 is truly the exception in first person shooters, but honestly? After playing through Gears of War the first time in co-op mode, and mistakenly believing it'd be just as good in single-player, I went back to Halo 1 for a while, grew to love and appreciate it's absolute depth of gameplay once more, and then returned to Gears of War, only to find that?...

... there was absolutely nothing there in the stages that didn't feel absolutely fucking identical to how it felt the first time through...

There is just no replay value. There is just nothing there for me to ever want to pop that game back into my Xbox 360 ever again, except to appreciate the graphics once more...

It was a fun experience that really did deliver the first time through, but nothing more...

Call of Duty 2 meanwhile, was the game that truly wowed people with its graphics last year, just like Gears of War did with gamers this year. Activision goddam thought that quite a quick tweaking of the enemy locations and the scenario locales would be enough to create the same kind of buzz in the Xbox 360 scene as they did in 2005. Problem was, they thought wrong...

There is absolutely nothing in Call of Duty 3 that is even remotely as interesting or new as it all felt in Call of Duty 2. The game is simply put, a quick port of last year's incarnation with the exact same enemies and scenarios, but with a slightly altered plotline and a less polished feeling with the weapons. I don't get why the fuck Activision was dumb enough to ever once again release a Call of Duty game that they didn't develop with the PC in mind, because every time they do, for some damn reason it turns out like sticky bomb shit...

If anything, couldn't they have at least added a co-op mode? Now that the graphics no longer had the wow factor they used to have, shouldn't they have concentrated on the gameplay? And no, having an online bug where shooting randomly into space in one map would somehow kill the friends on your contact list in completely separate maps, is not what I consider to be innovative, "4D" gameplay...

Where was Activision's own call of duty, to actually improve on the game that even I was so damn impressed with last year?...

Unfortunately, as much as it pains and grieves me to write this, the same goes for Nintendo with their New Super Mario Bros...

Now, it's hard for me to claim that this game felt rushed and derivative, especially since it has already broken almost all fucking records in Japan as a fucking four million game seller in the country. It's right up there with the first two Brain Trainings and Animal Crossing, as the touch age titles that are truly making the Nintendo DS into the biggest fucking technology success story since the iPod, or even the original fucking NES...

But I dunno, I just couldn't get into it. Several million sales in both North America and Europe combined would also like to disagree with me, but after playing through Super Mario World the other month and still loving it to death? The utter simplicity of the New Super Mario Bros. just somehow felt like a gigantic step backwards...

I miss being able to fly with a cape, and I miss all the crazy ass worlds that were introduced in Mario Bros 3 and 4. Yet here, we had a true return to form of the original Super Mario Bros. and the Lost Levels, neither of which I ever truly enjoyed even as a child before. I hate to say this about my precious Nintendo as a company, especially about one of their games that is really pushing the DS into mainstream enjoyment, but really?...

I had waited so damn long for a new sidescrolling Mario game, only to be stuck with one where the fucking useless blue shell was the only goddam power-up I ever really cared about...

I never finished this game. I never really thought about it after I quit. It was just that damn non-memorable. Since when did I never get a fucking Mario tune stuck in my head? Yet it never happened here, and I just can't place my finger on exactly why...

To me, the game just felt lifeless. Soulless even, completely unlike the joy I felt in Mario World, not just as a child but as the no-name nostalgic a decade after. Maybe it's the rose-coloured glasses talking or something, but aside from Twilight Princess? Nintendo just didn't offer me anything this year that really made me feel the magic of the company that I've loved for so damn long...

... all I do know, is that while I absolutely adored the success story of the New Super Mario Bros. overseas in Japan, bringing fun back to the masses of lapsed gamers from the NES days?...

The Nintendo DS and the DSLite were truly the success stories of the year. The system has been selling faster in Japan than any system since the original NES days, and that includes the original Playstation and PS2. It already has multiple four-fucking-million sellers (two Brain Trainings, New Mario Bros, and Animal Crossing), compared to just one for the fucking PS2 in that Sony system's entire Japanese lifetime. And the number of single million sellers or more in Japan for the DS system (the other Brain Trainings, Nintendogs, etc...) is just absolutely staggering, as is the fact that it's routinely outselling the Sony PSP in terms of hardware 5:1 (and even higher of a ratio when it comes to fucking software)...

... watching the Nintendo success story over there over the course of the year?... yeah, it's been fun...

The same has been happening for Nintendo all over the world. The Nintendo DS is quickly becoming the most popular Nintendo branded system in Europe of all time, breaking through the barriers in the UK for instance (formerly known as "Sony-land") with goddam relentless ease. In North America, the DS is outselling the PSP 2:1 on a regular basis, but what's even more remarkable is the fact that even the fucking original Game Boy Advance is still selling like hotcakes. Combine those sales with those of the DS, and it's ridiculous just how much North American parents prove time and time again that they love their handhelds for the kids...

Now sure, the Sony PS3 has done relatively well right out of the gates, reportedly selling 800K consoles since launch up until Christmas. But the Nintendo Wii has completely stolen its media thunder, having sold over 2 million consoles by now worldwide, and yet still being so much more in fucking demand that I still saw fucking line-ups for its shipments after Christmas was already said and done here in Canada. WTF?...

The Xbox 360 was doing horribly in sales for the vast majority of the year, but it seems around the holiday season and thanks to the price/shortage of the PS3, that more and more of those Sony fanbots are finally being converted to Microsoft's latest gaming system. Hell, I was one of the 2 million gamers who bought an Xbox 360 this holiday season, although obviously the free GRAW and Gears in War pack-in helped with that decision. And suffice to say, if only because of games like NBA 2K7 and Rainbow Six: Vegas, the purchase has been more or less worth it. I was obviously hoping for some sort of miracle in terms of gaming with the new generation of consoles, but for that, I had to turn back to the motherfucking Nintendo Gamecube one last time...

2006 was a great year in terms of video gaming news, at least. Every single fucking week, as a Nintendo fanboy at heart here, I literally laughed and cried and sang in praise of my childhood company, owning Japan like there's no tomorrow and slowly taking both North America and Europe back from their Sony oppressors. But the thing is, aside from The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess, even my precious company of Nintendo couldn't offer me the kind of great gaming experiences that I've grown to demand from the goddam industry. As much as I love my consoles and my graphics, it's the games that I sell my soul for. Twilight Princess was simply awe-inspiring, but one great game in an entire fucking year is just not enough, especially when we're talking about having four fucking consoles in my fucking household. WTF?...

2007 though, seems like it'll be the truly great year in gaming. Nintendo has already promised us Mario Galaxy, Metroid Prime 3, Super Smash Bros. Brawl, and hopefully a brand new Fire Emblem for the Nintendo Wii as well. For the Xbox 360, this is the year of the latest Brothers in Arms, Bioware's new RPG of Mass Effect, and of course Halo fucking 3. It's hard to say what Sony really has in store for the PS3, but rest assured, if enough great games do come out for that system? Even I'd be tempted to put aside my hate in favour of the dark side of the force...

Even the fucking Nintendo DS is finally getting those A-calibre type games that I as a console gamer simply can't ignore. Whether we're talking about The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass, the fucking Pokemon series here in North America, Phoenix Wright 2, or even the newly announced Dragon Quest series? There are just so many great games coming out for all systems in this coming year, that I honestly at this point in time just can't fucking wait...

The only question is, will 2007 truly be the year where I finally find my love for gaming once more? Or will I be disappointed yet again, as the jaded noname gamer that I have become?...

How many times in a row have I lost to fucking five year olds by now? My fucking God, I'm as bad at the game as Rodney fucking McKay...

And with my goddam cheat codes, how many primitive empires and kingdoms have I created and destroyed over the past few years in games like Civilization, Age of Empires, and, umm...

Because the power overwhelming of a feeling you get every time you take control of a nation like that? If only it were real, it would most definitely be... intoxicating...

And that's why I was excited for The Game. Because the premise of the episode itself was great, even if I had felt I had seen it all on Star Trek before...

Rodney and Colonel Sheppard find themselves an Ancient Civilization game and use their spare time to kick each other's asses. Now, since they assumed it was a game, it was only natural for them to build up arms against each other and then wage full out war. What good would a game be if you couldn't smite each other's foreign asses?...

But the problems with The Game as an episode, come after the two of them find out that the "game" they had been playing consisted of two real factions all along. The thing is, while I admit I did laugh at a lot of the jokes made throughout the episode about "cheating" and whatnot, did it not all seem just a tad bit childish, knowing that they were dealing with real lives and real civilizations here? I dunno...

Take the scenes between Major Lorne and Dr. Zelenka, for instance. While of course I snickered at the fact that the two prodigies of Sheppard and McKay were already sniping at each other after just five minutes of gameplay, the thing is, they both knew they were toying with the lives of real people, right? Sure, I know they couldn't resist the dark side of the force when it came to ruling an empire, but honestly, they were treating everyone's lives on those primitive planets entirely as a game when they damn well knew that it was all damn real. I can understand MWAHAHA villains acting this way, but two of our favourite characters after just five fucking minutes of gameplay? Sure, I laughed as Dr. Weir walked in on them both, but seriously, WTF?...

Dr. Weir herself was completely fucking useless. Sure, she stood there pretty for the camera, but whenever she opened her mouth, anyone could instantly realize just how empty her figurehead of a role really was. When you had Nola or Marie Warner or whatever the fuck her name was at the table, negotiating with Sheppard's man, all Dr. Weir did as mediator was sit there and look all pretty for the camera. While normally I wouldn't dispute such a wonderful titty action, it just felt wrong how the guest starts on the show were taking up all the fucking lines. I would love Elizabeth with her tight T-shirt to be a mannequin in my room, but I guess that's not what I was hoping for when we're stuck in a room where we're reduced to hearing shit from two warring factions that I just don't give a shit about...

Now sure, there were some genuinely interesting points made in The Game, especially about elevating another people's technology with our own. It's been explored before when earth gave Langara, the Genii and a few other nations some of our "advanced" technology, but here it becomes even more obvious the consequences of our actions, when McKay "cheated" enough to give his people telescopes, bicycles, flying dirigibles, and fucking explosive bombs. Then again, the episode also pointed out the idea that despite all the advances that McKay's people had made, Sheppard's nation still had the huge advantage in numbers and still had a good chance of beating their more enlightened foes. I'm sure there's a moral here about the Ancients and Wraith or some shit like that, but you know what was really the only good point I got from this episode?...

Now, don't get me wrong, I enjoyed The Game for what it was worth. The problem was, it really wasn't worth more than just an average episode of Stargate over the years. And I swear I've seen this all done before on Star Trek: The Next Generation, in almost any of those holodeck episodes done in the past...

... well, at least this episode was better than TNG's shitty ass "The Game" itself with Wesley Crusher and Ashley Judd...

... yes, that's Ashley fucking Judd, who was smokin' hot as hell to my pubescent self, but that's a story for another day...

Suffice to say, we got our own version of hotness from everyone's favourite Marie Warner here in Stargate Atlantis. Obviously, considering how devilishly cute the evil terrorist always has been, I approved of this casting move. The thing is though, her character just didn't have enough to work with here in The Game. She was better as the bubble headed blonde who adored the Oracle for all he was worth, but as soon as the truth was revealed to her? She became nothing more than a generic war monger, with no real depth to her (and that includes her tiny little bosoms...). I would've liked better and more creative writing between her and Sheppard's man, whatever the fuck his name was. Sadly enough, I just didn't care enough about what was going on in this episode to really take notes on names...

The two main guest stars weren't the only ones who were ignored. What the fuck did Teyla get to do? Look pretty on the Daedalus, pretend like the Puddle Jumper had somehow been taken out by lowly goddam dirigibles, and that's about it? And Ronan, what the fuck was his use? He completely looked out of place just standing there as Rodney's sidekick the whole time. Whatever happened to his badassness? A real man would've clubbed Marie Warner with his gun, taken her back to his secret lair, and then tortured the terrorist bitch with unspeakable sex for the next fucking year of her life. Where the fuck was my mamed and named and naked Marie Warner? At least they could've given her back her goddam 24 Alias wig for good blowjob measure. WTF?...

The heart and soul of the SGA show has always been Rodney and Sheppard, and I do agree that the two made for a great comedic duo this episode. But like I stated before with Lorne and Zelenka, their humour just seemed a tad bit misplaced. Considering the two of them were kind of directly responsible for two formerly peaceful nations going to full out war with one another (if only because of trade demands dealing with citrus fruits as gifts...), why were Rodney and John still bickering about who had cheated in their game and who would've won in the end? WTF?...

Now sure, at the end of the episode, you could easily see the brother-like comradeship between the both of them as Sheppard the MENSA math wiz was kicking Rodney's ass at chess. That scene I especially enjoyed, but their competitive rivalry really just seemed out of place and sorely overused when it came to the rest of the episode...

And you know what was the greatest flaw of The Game was an episode? It's not that the Ancients were playing god or something, interfering with the development of primitive cultures (which completely goes against everything they now claim to believe as ascended beings). It's just that...

WTF is wrong with Atlantis and their computers? Why they fuck are the graphics in their game so goddam shitty?...

What the fuck are they using for their video cards? Riva 128's, TNT2's, or my old fucking PowerVR PCX2? WTF?...

... and at least it was better than that shitty ass The Next Generation episode of the same damn name...

Now, if only the real game consisted of me, controlling two real nations full of hot fucking women, making the both of them get it on with each other, with Marie Warner and Ashley Judd being the central hub of the goddam lesbian orgy?...

Y2kk Update: - Battlestar Galactica: The Eye of Jupiter Review (Spoilers...) -

I apologize for my tardiness, but Nintendo fans would definitely know the reason why. How can I possibly resist the allure and temptation of the one and only Zelda? Nothing can pull me away from my precious. NOTHING...

Last year at the mid-season break, we got Pegasus, which wasn't just one of the best damn episodes that Battlestar Galactica has ever produced, but one of the best damn hours of television I had ever witnessed. It wasn't just about the flash effects or the Sci-Fi cliche crap, but rather a deep and intriguing insight into the human soul at a time of desperation and need. Dare I say it, that for that one episode alone, Ron Moore really did explore the human condition like the true spirit of Star Trek has always meant to accomplish...

This year though? In this shitty ass third season (not that the second season was any better as a whole, mind you...), BSG completely ignored any insight into the human condition, and went straight to the shitter of the Star Trek cliche cliffhanger. Hell, I was half expecting Admiral Adama to turn to Lieutenant Worf and order, "Fire", on Captain fucking Picard...

... not like that'd do anything to Picard though, considering he is a god amongst men who rules the known universe, but that's a story for another day...

Still, while the episode itself wasn't so damn bad to watch, there wasn't a single thing here in Eye of Jupiter that truly stands at. At best, we got Chief Tyrol staring at a mountain, wanting to take a big ol' shit, only to find some toilet bowl of a temple instead. Some of the questions surrounding the Temple of Five would have been interesting, if only this hadn't been done better in Home and pretty much every fucking Stargate SG-1 episode out there. At worst, we got fucking Cally there, abandoning her kid on Galactica to go stare at Chief Tyrol becoming obsessed with some gold nugget of a plate in the middle of nowhere. Wow, I was so impressed. Really...

We were forced into some god-awful affair of a relationship between Apollo and Starbuck as well. Naturally, in order to continue the teen angst series and to continue haunting viewers, the relationship isn't allowed to go anywhere, with Lee being too much of a man to cheat on Dualla, and Starbuck being too much of a slut to divorce. In the end, nobody watching the goddam episode gave two shits about this fucking god-awful plotline, except for the sad promise of angry make-up sex between Starbuck and Dualla, and Apollo and Anders. Obviously, I was rooting only for the former, but we didn't even get that much of a thank-you note from Ron Moore, except for an extra sweaty scene between the both of them that had absolutely no purpose whatsoever...

Sigh... I miss the days when Gaius Baltar was simply an ingenious enough of a character to save the ass of each and every episode by his lonesome. And while he definitely had his moments here, namely when the Cavil Cylon offered the former president up as extra incentive to make a deal, Baltar has just been wasted so damn much this season that I really couldn't muster up a damn. Besides that, what the fuck did the good doctor offer? Some stupid ass religious bullshit between him and the Number Three model from the threesome? His relationship with Number Six used to be interesting, but now it's been put on the backburner for nothing more than the burn of the hot actress' ass in bed. Not that I'm complaining about that part, but we used to get those gratuitous ass shots along with some decent plotlines, thank you very much...

The plotline of The Eye of Jupiter obviously dealt with the Eye of Jupiter artifact down on the planet, but the only damn thing I cared about in the episode was obviously how cute Grace Park glowed in the moonlight. Here we finally got a staredown of a showdown between Boomer and Athena, the only problem being that Boomer completely didn't act like herself. Where the fuck was her old school compassion for humanity? Why the hell did they change her into just a generic babysitter of a Cylon? Sure, she was fucking smokin' hot as hell with that lovely FOB hairstyle of hers, but that's just not enough for me when she used to offer so much more (as in, more screentime with naked ass shots...)...

Instead, we finally got the moment here where Admiral Adama tells the truth about Hera to Sharon and Helo. Of course, we then get the requisite scene of the pussy whipped Helo, sucking some tits some more when it comes to his daughter (understandably so, but still, it was done so damn badly...). And what does Sharon get in her moment to shine? I guess the eyes tell all, and we're meant to be left 'speechless' or whatever that she only had a few remote words to say. In the end, we're forced to wait until the next fucking episode to see what the fuck happens. The only problem is, I don't give a frakkin' shit...

Now sure, it's not like The Eye of Jupiter was a bad episode. We had some good acting from Madame President, it felt natural to see Colonel Tigh back in charge, and Admiral Adama was the man again, not letting the Cylons bully him around no matter what was at stake on the ground. The thing is though, did the writers really have to make everything feel so damn bland and generic, especially with a cast of such dynamic and effective actors? Did they really have to steal the contents of the book of cliffhangers, scene by scene and line by line? WTF?...

So what are we honestly to be left frothing in anticipation at? Starbuck getting shot down by the Cylons? Why the fuck would we care about the shit slut anymore? She's been a complete waste of airtime this season. Are we supposed to actually believe for a second that that Anders and Lee Adama showdown is going to go anywhere? Why would it matter? Do we honestly give two shits if Anders gets shot in the head? And oh wow, Adama is ready to launch nukes at the fucking planet. Like I said, at this point in the season, why does it matter if Lee or Starbuck get fucking blown to hell? And please, Admiral, get rid of fucking Cally and Tyrol for us. Please, I beg you...

... and Pegasus last year from Battlestar Galactica was simply a goddam work of art...

... I would rather stab myself in the fucking eye than put myself through this goddam cliche shit again...

And hell's bells, it's never a good sign if it honestly takes me two fucking weeks to muster up enough will power to actually write a short fucking review of a goddam BSG episode...

... of course, actually having a good story in my fucking precious Zelda game definitely helps out in that regard...

It was just one of those feel good episodes of Stargate Atlantis, like McKay and Mrs. Miller before it, that just somehow completes you with its trifecta of excellent story-telling, writing and acting. And of course, it certainly helps that once again, Rodney McKay took center stage as the best damn character on the series to date...

Now, I won't argue that Tao of Rodney was without its flaws. In fact, if there was any huge one, it was the sinking feeling like I had experienced this all before, and perhaps it was indeed better back when it was on SG-1. Colonel O'Neill had the knowledge of the Ancients downloaded twice into his brain, and while obviously there are differences between those two episodes and this one, the base concept remains the same. With a short amount of time left in their lives, they make amends with their close ones and prepare to move on, hoping to make a sacrifice that benefits humanity in the end. Hell, considering I still find Rodney to be a SG-1 character (since that is where he started off), I could've sworn I was watching the original Stargate series here rather than Atlantis from time to time...

But that minor feeling of a bit too much familiarity doesn't change the fact that this was a great character piece of a story, not just for McKay but also for every single cast member on the show. There's been so few episodes of any series out there where I strangely enough find myself perfectly content and satisfied with the growth and performance of every main character, but Tao of Rodney was definitely one of those rare gems that just somehow gives all us Stargate lovers a breath of inner peace...

It's not like Ronan and Teyla were involved that much in the episode, but there was never really a wasted moment with those two. Hell, did Teyla really have any lines? Yet Rachel Luttrell's acting when she was just staring there at Rodney, stunned that he would have the empathy and compassion to serve her in a ritual tea ceremony, was possibly her most memorable moment yet in the season thus far. She never really got to know McKay much in the series, and the two have never really had much chemistry. But you could tell she cared for Rodney as a friend here as he lay on his deathbed, and the episode just felt so much more heartfelt because of it...

As for Ronan? I really didn't get all the "fat" jokes in Tao of Rodney, considering Meredith McKay has never been mocked for his eating habits before. Still, besides a few forced chuckles here and there, I really couldn't fault anything that Ronan said and did. He was sort of the goofy, comic relief kind of badass character in this episode, even going so far as to give McKay a great big bear hug when it was all said and done. I'm not sure if I particularly like this side of Ronan, the big muscled buffoon who never understands a word of technobabble, but his comradeship with McKay here somehow still felt real and genuine and loyal, in a way that hasn't been there since at least the premiere of the season...

And hot damn, did you get a look at that chick who thought Ronan was hot? Fucking goddam, if I was Rodney there with the ability to read minds? I'd do whatever the fuck it takes to con the cutie bitch into falling in love and stripping down naked. My God, was she ever fucking hot and she goddam knew it...

... sigh... and with that, finally that old skool feeling of Stargate James T. Kirk Atlantis was back in full force...

I admit that the latter half of Tao of Rodney was perhaps a bit too serious for my tastes, even though I really did enjoy the further development and growth of Rodney as a character and person. But what I really look for most in an hour of television is great comic relief, character banter and of course all those great moments of levity we get from Sheppard and Rodney in the same room together (if that sounds good, that is...). I will fully admit that during that first "meditation" tutorial of his, I was balling in laughter at just how "honest" and piss poor Sheppard really was at the whole ascension thing. I mean seriously, flipping through a magazine as he was dreaming of fucking that ascension bitch from season two on a goddam ferris wheel? Sure, I wouldn't particularly mind that fantasy as well, but honestly, WTF?...

Joe Flanigan really did play the role of a great friend to Rodney McKay in this episode as perfectly as he did back in McKay and Mrs. Miller. While no scene here was particularly as memorable as all the golf ones were from before, how the hell can't I fall in love with an episode that had the two in a pissing contest over who was really worse at the whole ascension thing? And even without McKay in the picture, Sheppard really was a great character and made every scene of his classic in the end. He was honest and touching with Dr. Weir, providing the best moment of the episode in constantly annoying the bitch into finally putting him on the list for the ascension machine, and going so far as to brag about beating a monster in front of Ancient "pansy wannabes"...

... sigh... guess Joe Flanigan is just a tad bit bitter about how much his Epiphany script was butchered last year...

The thing is though, I can easily tell that I'm enjoying an Atlantis story when even Dr. Weir doesn't get on my nerves. Hell, I even felt bad for her, like she was some phone help teller or some crap like that, as she was even getting non-stop superhero requests from Zelenka of all focused people. Torri Higginson really finds her niche on the series when she goes back to being the Daniel-esque translator of the series. Or at least she finds her only true purpose, whenever the hot bitch finally shuts up and just stands there horny and pretty for the camera, as the mind-reading McKay having an entire conversation to himself was strangely enough Elizabeth's best damn scene in the whole damn episode...

... now, if only we could get her in a hot bitch sauna room with that adorable cutie who thought Ronan was hot, then maybe Stargate Atlantis really can become my favourite series all over again...

But WTF is this shit about her loving Rodney? Sure, she said it as the poor man was dying, but honestly? With the way things have gone on the show, you'd expect that line from someone like Carson instead...

Dr. Beckett hasn't had enough decent episodes in the season so far, which has been a shame (all things to be considered, if you know what I mean...). Still, Paul McGillion really does make the most of every second he is on screen, as the comical banter between him and Rodney whenever it came to ascension and the "ascendo-meter" was brilliant beyond belief. The two didn't have much of a goodbye at the end, though at least Rodney along with Beckett did manage to save the day. I wasn't a real fan of the reset button of a solution (literally, as wouldn't the Ancients had thought about taking goddam blood samples before zapping themselves into Priors?), but it was still nice for Carson to finally play the saviour of the day for once...

Well, alright, so maybe Carson wasn't the real hero of the day when you consider that Rodney increased the shield power of the Daedalus, vastly improved the power efficiency of the ZPM of Atlantis, designed a hyperspace generator for the Puddle Jumpers, invented a whole new math that will change the way we understand the universe, and still managed to use his Jedi mind tricks to teach Beckett how to save his life. Who would've thunk?...

Yup, once again, here we had Super Rodney McKay, this time with telekinesis and the continued inability to fuck all the hot girls on Atlantis. By now, you'd think we viewers would've gotten bored of the guy constantly using up every moment of screen time on the show, and yet that's just never the case. The actor is just so gifted and his lines are just so well written, that he literally had two fucking entire scenes talking to himself here in Tao of Rodney, and I still was entertained beyond belief. WTF?...

Rodney is simply the best character on Sci-Fi today (taking the crown away from the over pussified Admiral Adama of the season), and this episode once again proved exactly why. Whether he was failing at meditation with Sheppard, stealing donuts away from Carson, ranting against Ronan about all those fat jokes, or sticking it in Elizabeth's face about that "intangible chemistry" shared between the two of them that he hinted at in "chapter 10", the Tao of Rodney McKay really was a wonderfully written story that Hewlett delivered with poise and ease...

And who the fuck can possibly resist the allure of a story about superheroes? Who the fuck can't relate to wanting to be a fucking god at telekinesis, healing, Wolverine hearing, and whatever the fuck else he could do? Fuck, if only he had the ability of indestructibility as well, he could be fucking the hot as fucking hell Claire from Heroes right now (well, if she's legal age, that is...)...

Sure, we've seen this all before in Stargate SG-1 (minus the Heroes cheerleader part...), whether it was O'Neill in The Fifth Race or even Khalek from the Prototype episode that was referenced in this episode. But even if it was a bit of a rehash when it was all said and done, Tao of Rodney was just such an insanely well crafted and executed hour of television that I simply can't fault it for such a minor sense of deja vu...

I mean, sure it wasn't the absolute best episode of the season, and to be honest, it probably wasn't my absolute favourite episode either...

But it was just such an overall satisfying experience in the end, that seriously, it was almost as if the writers?...

For one thing, the Colonials had to pass through a radiation-filled star cluster to get to their so-called salvation of algae for food. While it makes little sense that they couldn't just have gone around the star cluster with multiple jumps like they claimed they couldn't (the same excuse used by Star Trek: Voyager multiple times, might I add...), I was still willing to suspend my belief just for the fancy Sci-Fi eye-candy and all...

But the other message? Of a rite of passage, or death, or the fact that anyone who actually watches this episode will suddenly want to wring their own necks from all the sheer goddam stupidity? WTF?...

I don't mind that the writers wanted to spend yet another episode on character development and shit like that. I don't mind the fact that they chose to dedicate one last episode to Kat before she was whisked away by the stars to the heavens or whatever sort of shit. I didn't even mind her sacrifice at the end, as cliche and eye-rolling as it was...

But the fact that literally out of nowhere for the umpteenth time this season already, a character's hidden backstory that was never hinted at before, suddenly becomes the main premise of an entire fucking episode? Seriously, WTF?...

Because you know those scenes of Hot Dog vomiting and spewing all his street meat guts out from the overdose of radiation?...

... yeah, that was pretty much me, gagging at the sob story of Katrina or whatever the fuck her name is supposed to be...

Was there even any hint of her drug or human or whatever trafficking past from before? Besides a small stint with stims, I personally don't recall a single damn mention of anything like this sort of shit in the series so far. Yet it was all shoved down our throats here, in pretty much a forgettable standalone episode that had her trying to be a hero, just so the writers could again save some cash after blowing the entire budget on Exodus (Part 2). And just for shits and giggles, they opted to rip off another SG-1 character and had the Replicator Fifth play a ridiculous role just for fun...

I just felt no connection with Kat whatsoever. It felt forced at the start of the season how a newbie to the fleet could be given the rank of CAG long ago, and it just ranks of melodramatic bullshit that she would be promoted back to the position now. Sure, it was symbolic, but I really just couldn't give a damn about a character who I never cared about before. She had no backstory and no interesting plot developments in her entire prior history on the series. Why did the writers leave it to her final hour on the show to finally give her some depth? I don't know, but it just didn't work...

I felt more pain for Apollo than anything else. How many fucking times has the guy been depromoted or whatever kind of shit by now? First when the Pegasus arrived, then when he blew up the ship, and now again just for a stupid ass symbolic gesture to a bitch who never deserved it in the first place? Honestly, why is Lee the whippin' boy of the military hierarchy? If his rank gets any lower, what the fuck do we call him? Tom fucking Paris? Harry fucking Kim Jong Il? WTF?...

Starbuck was just off this episode. I don't blame the actress for bitching and complaining about her role this season, because it's just not making sense. She was just so damn hypocritical while lecturing Kat about being a traitor and shit like that, that it literally made me yearn for the days of Super Starbuck slutting it on with Dr. Gaius Baltar of all people. And then at the end, she suddenly plays all nice with Kat for her sacrifice, as if the audience wouldn't remember just how poorly written Kara's earlier speeches in the episode all were? WTF?...

If I'm going to suspend my disbelief for an hour of television, I need believable characters who stay true to the personalities we've come to know over the past few months and years. And for the past few episodes, Starbuck has been just so damn bipolar that if anything else?...

Sadly, the only females on the show that have my respect right now are the fucking Cylons. Obviously, any Boomer or Athena sightings are more than welcome, but having Caprica and Xena naked in a bed together too always gets my hopes up (and other parts of me as well...)...

The only semblance of a plot in this throwaway episode came from Gaius Baltar, as the only real laugh I gave throughout the hour was when he honestly believed that "Intelligence; a burning mind" was referring to him. Besides that, I was genuinely interested in all of the talk of the remaining five Cylon models. Problem was, The Passage turned out to be just one huge cocktease for next week's mid-season finale, as we learned absolutely nothing here except the name of the next fucking episode of the series...

Okay, so maybe there was one other moment in the episode where it shined. The joke about a "paper shortage" was just so damn bad and just so damn predictable, that I couldn't help but laugh with Adama and Tigh about the stupidity and absurdity of it all. The both of them have been through so damn much, so it actually felt natural that they would howl and snort over such a lameass joke of levity. It felt so damn unnatural, to be chuckling at some a poorly executed comment, that I actually started to laugh along with the both of them too. The writing was awful, but the actors and their combined history over the course of the series made it work. That's what I expect from BSG, not this lameass Kat the Drug Dealer bullshit that literally came flying through the window like Squirrel shit out of goddam nowhere...

And no matter how many times I say it? I just never say it enough. Edward James Olmos is the man. As even though I absolutely hated the main plotline of this episode with all the guts that I and the pilots could ever spew out, he still made me a believer as he consoled the dying Katrina with stories of his wife and want for a daughter. He just seemed so damn honest, that I really started feeling sorry for the man. I didn't give a shit about the new CAG bleeding profusely and writhing in pain on the bed there, but I definitely did feel something instead when the mere mention of Zach Adama was made. That is the kind of backstory I care about, the history of the Adamas that the first season of the show used to be so based upon, not this throwaway and standalone bullshit about this Hurricane Katrina character we never knew...

Now, don't get me wrong. The Passage definitely did have its moments, with the aforementioned Adama scenes definitely included...

It's just that, compared with the twilight of Battlestar Galactica, when the show was actually worth a damn (not just an Adama) to watch?...

Sure, The Passage still managed to get the IvanFian episode of the week award, if only because Sharon looked hot as hell in that radioactive cloud of hers, and if only because Stargate Atlantis and Smallville both sucked harder than the Toronto Maple Leafs have been playing as of late (and goddammit, that's just embarrassingly bad...)...

But if there is ever another week that pulls that same damn random fucking bullshit out of it ass like The Passage did?...

Then seriously, no thanks. I'd prefer not to spew my lunch out, thank you very much...

Oh my fucking God. What the fuck is this? The week with the worst television episodes of all time ever? WTF?...

This was the one week where Stargate Atlantis, Smallville and Battlestar Galactica would all air in succession and compete against one another for the crown of the IvanFian best episode of the week. By my fucking God, it's like none of them got the memo, and all three respective series produced the absolute worst garbage they could've ever spawned and spewed out instead. WTF?...

Who the fuck behind the scenes ever okay'd an episode as goddam ludicrous and atrocious as Irresponsible was?...

My fucking God, who the fuck was dumbass enough to ever put them in charge? Yet here they were, helming yet another episode that had the audience ripping out the hair from their heads and turning the channel to goddam Smallville of all shit series instead. WTF?...

There was just no sense of urgency, and no sense of accomplishment in Irresponsible. It was a complete and utter non-event in the way that things were handled. It was like no actor gave a shit that they were performing, and no one the crew even gave a shit about the set and script they had in hand. Which was completely pathetic and completely uncalled for, considering this of all episodes was the one where General Kolya of the Genii would finally bite the bullet. My God, the man deserved so much better than to be beaten by Lucious Lavin of all people. WTF?...

My fucking God, who's bright idea was it to bring back Lucious as basically the main fucking character of the series? Now, don't get me wrong, I did enjoy Irresistible for what it was worth, as a flawed episode filled with some good comedic lines here and there. But there was absolutely nothing to laugh at here in Irresponsible except for the fact that the writers actually thought this episode would turn out good? I'd honestly like to see the script for this absolute turd of an hour, because I really can't see right now how it could've ever gotten past anybody in the office except for the goddam yes-men...

Earlier in the year, the audience was already pissed that Lucious basically got away with the raping of fucking women on Atlantis who were drugged against their will. Now here, we find that he wasn't even punished by his own people, but rather somehow escaped with his portable shield emitter and became the cherished hero of another village. And the worst of the worst came when the SGA team finally arrived, and all Beckett and co. did to the guy was literally take a blood sample and slap him on the wrist. They didn't give a shit about the same fucking asshole who not only was ready to violate every single one of the women on base, but also put all their lives in immediate jeopardy against the Wraith. WTF kind of continuity was this? WTF?...

The entire episode revolved around the gimmick of the Ancient shield device, having little kids harmlessly kick Lucious in the crotch and shit like that. Was it all meant to be funny or something? We've seen it all before and done so much better back in the first season of the show with Rodney, so why rehash a decent idea with newfound horrible execution? Speaking of the execution, while being buried alive would kill a person even with the Ancient shield on, couldn't the man wielding the shield just use his invincibility and force to prevent himself from being pushed into the fucking pit in the first place? If he could stop a bullet without feeling the slightest bit of inertia, then why the fuck couldn't he prevent himself from being dunked like a donut in water God knows how many times? WTF?...

And seriously, every character in the show seemed like they mailed it in when it came to Irresponsible. It's not like I blame them, considering nobody wanted to take responsibility for this absolute waste of everyone's hour...

Sheppard was just there. He may have been the prime focus of the camera for half of the entire episode, but the whole of the script was sadly focused on every single pathetic line that Lucious had instead. I don't even remember a single damn snark or comment that Sheppard made that was even remotely worth mentioning. All I remember him doing was trotting around the forest ever so slowly with his P90, while dealing with Lucious making my ears bleed with whatever dumbass sidekick comments that he had...

There was only one bright hope for this episode, and that was Dr. McKay. Problem was, while he started off on the right foot with his obsession with Batman, he later became just a generic whimpering fool with Kolya shoving a gun cock down his throat. With Rodney as just the damsel in distress, I'd expect some sort of comic relief from him. Yet the writers completely chose to ignore his former chemistry with Ronan and Teyla while in the cell, and had him play the Jimmy the Bimmy dumbass with a spoon in the corner of the room instead? WTF?...

WTF was the point of Ronan and Teyla? Sure, Teyla looked reasonably hot and everything in the ol' Dutch setting, but what purpose did she have? Did she do any of consequence whatsoever? She didn't even blame Lucious for wanting to fuck her inside out the last time they met. And Ronan wasn't protective of her whatsoever, nor did he seem to give a damn about anything. His only goal in the episode was to find a way to hit Lucious, and obviously didn't care about any of the townsfolk in the process, or so he openly claimed...

My fucking God, don't even remind me of that eye-rolling speech that that over-cleavaged, fugly barmaid bitch made about independence and shit like that. Honestly, I could hear crickets in the audience as she and Lucious tried to be a comedic duo, as the whole damn exchange was so damn poorly executed that I literally wished I could fast forward past the episode. Who's bright idea was it to force some black and white, Sunday school lesson about not turning the other cheek down our goddam gullets? WTF was I watching? Smallville of all shitass series? WTF?...

But absolutely the worst disservice of Irresponsible was that it made Kolya's fate into a goddam joke. It was just such a mind-numbingly awful idea to somehow combine Lucious Lavin's situation with that of Kolya's demise, that I honestly wish I could strangle the necks of whoever wrote that ten second staredown of a showdown between Kolya and Sheppard at the end. It was barely even mentioned in the episode up to that point as to what the two had done to each other in the past, and how John especially deserved to be the one to pull the trigger. As far as the episode was concerned as a whole, their grudge match at the end was a complete and utterly forgettable non-event. And that's just something I cannot forgive, not when it comes to the best single villain the series has ever had...

And who the fuck was responsible for this goddam clusterfuck of overall shit?...

Honestly, I never thought in all my days of Trekking, that a new duo of writers could ever make the goddam shit of Berman and Braga look like fucking masterpiece theatre instead...

But seriously? If the rumours are true that Mallozzi and Mullie are taking over Stargate Atlantis in the fourth season of the show? Then the Killer B's truly will be replaced by the psychopathic M&M's, and there just won't be any hope for the series at all...

Because oh my fucking God, this was the best that the two could fucking come up with? WTF did I just watch? WTF?...

Goddammit, Smallville this week had one of its worst episodes ever of all time. And yet still it didn't turn out to be the worst episode of the week for me? WTF?...

... but for whoever even lent a hand in allowing this episode ever get to air?...

Y2kk Update: - Smallville: Subterranean small Smallville Week in Review (Spoilers...) -

Somebody please bury me alive, because what the fuck kind of shit ass Christmas present was this bullshit?...

"So, let me get this straight. Clark Kent stands for truth, justice and the American Way... except when dealing with illegal aliens? WTF?..."

Yeah, yeah, I know that Clark is an illegal alien himself. So what? He's actually worth the time of day. What the fuck will some random, perfect English speaking Mexican kid with a laundry mat of a mother ever achieve for this country? Why is Clark so damn trusting of every damn person he meets? WTF?...

Now, I may sound a bit harsh here, considering Javier (in the episode) was indeed a good person and so are a hell of a lot of illegal immigrants throughout North America. The thing is though, since when did Superman take the law into his own hands? Javier could be some shifty drug lord for all Clark Kent really knew. And the sad thing is, his stupidity was just goddam contagious...

What the fuck kind of moral was that at the end of the episode? Lana Lang realizes that "money is power" while high in fucking Amsterdam of all places (which I'm sure was great for the baby...), then comes back and wants to do fucking charity work 24/7? For a second there, I thought her character was actually going to try to be a good girl for once, until I realized she was essentially committing a crime. Sponsoring amnesty to God knows how many migrant workers who snuck into the country illegally? No wonder the so-called evil Lex Luthor didn't even give a shit worth a damn about stopping her proposal...

Smallville is bad enough when it's just trying to be a goddam entertaining show. But when it tries to get preachy? It gets fucking Saturday Morning Cartoon preachy, in a way that would even make the usual rolled eyes from Lana Lang fuckfests completely rip right out of their goddam sockets. Why the fuck is the show promoting illegal migrant workers here in this episode? I agree that some aliens are good and some are bad, but please, just leave that moral gray stuff to Batman and The Green Arrow or whatever sort of crap. Despite his own personal history, that's just not what the red and blue tights are all about...

Seriously, what the fuck did I just watch? Was every fucking character just so goddam dumb in this episode, that they basically had to make Jimmy speak fucking Chinese to even begin to make him stand out from all the rest? WTF?...

WTF did Chloe do? Mack all night long on Jimmy the Bimmy and then bitch that Javier went to the Xavier mansion or whatever sort of crap? WTF did Martha Kent do? Javier may have been a nice guy, but the law is the law. It was dumbass that she was actually conned by Clark into giving the boy and his mother legal status, unless she works for the fucking Greenpeace party or some shit like that...

Where was Lois Lane and Lionel Luthor or any shit like that? Instead, we got a fucking horrible powerwalk down the catwalk to the sound of rock-warring music, with Lex Luthor in the dead center of whatever that 33.1 center complex was. Sadly, that way-over-badass moment was the only scene that actually got my attention, because it made even less sense to me than the rest of the episode. Why the fuck did the writers just throw that scene in out of completely nowhere? WTF?...

The only damn minute of the entire hour of Smallville this week that was even worth a damn, was the ten second spotlight on the Michael Bay ripoff of a power walk for the poor man's Justice League in the preview for next year's Smallville. Now those are the episodes that I watch Smallville for, the ones about the birth of fucking Superman, and not for the fucking Sunday School lesson we got here with the most absolute black and white morals that I've ever had the displeasure of rolling my eyes at in my goddam life...

I realize that at times I sound a bit harsh with this illegal immigrant bullshit, considering I know a lot of them are good people who want nothing but a better life. But the law is the law, and it was made for a very good reason to preserve the way of life for all immigrants who make it into North America for the right reasons through the right processes. Now, we all know it's unfair to be at the back of a line-up at the fucking bank for instance, but we also know that anyone who cuts in line will get a fucking beating and a half before they ever reach the teller. Doesn't matter if they're actually a good person or not, and normally it doesn't even matter how dire their situation in life is. There's just some things you cannot do without proving yourself first through years of hard work...

Smallville tried to preach and force upon us their goddam point of view. And as a result? This episode was just so damn bad, that I'm just going to pretend like it doesn't even exist. Even by Smallville standards, Subterranean was just goddam pathetic. End of story...

... because hell, this was definitely one story that deserves to be left and buried alive in the ground...

Y2kk Update: - Battlestar Galactica: Unfinished Business Review (Spoilers...) -

Well, actually, now that I think about it? I guess Unfinished Business wasn't exactly a terrible episode, per say...

Now sure, I hated it and would prefer for fucking donkey diarrhea to bleed out of my bloody hell ears than to ever watch this fucking bullshit again. But besides that? It's not like the actual script and the acting performances were horrible. I guess though, it's just that?...

WTF was I watching? Battlestar: The OC? Battleshit: Smallville? Gilmore Galactica? WTF?...

So, you're telling me that poor little Lee Adama was so fucking heart-broken over getting rejected over a fucking one night stand from Starbuck, that he got all fat and obese? WTF is this emo-shit? Does the former Commander also have a MySpace blog and a Friendster account to boot? Does he sing emo-rock to himself as a lullaby before sucking his own dick and going to sleep? Is that why he was dumbass enough to marry that twig bitch, Dualla? WTF?...

I don't even want to talk about the dumbass ramifications of the whole Lee and Starbuck storyline. I mean, I know the two have always had a thing for each other, obviously since Starbuck seems to have a hard-on for all things Adama (she was going to marry into the family afterall). Hell, I would prefer a fucking foursome between her and Zach and Lee and the fucking Admiral as well, screaming out which of the three was really her daddy, than the fucking soap opera bullshit we were given this episode. But instead, we got a horrible character piece where the two of them apparently love each other so much that after marrying random other people, they beat each other to a pulp in public and then embrace their sweaty bodies in front of their better halves...

Because yeah, I know that Battlestar Galactica has always been a space opera. It's just that, the soap opera shit has been done so well before in episodes like Hand of God, Home and Pegasus, that there's no fucking excuse for the writers to force feed this shit on us all in an entire episode dedicated to fucking Punch Out or some shit like that. I mean seriously, I didn't think this was possible, but the writers for once actually produced a romance so damn atrociously unbearable, that it literally made me yearn for the days of Sharon and fucking Helo getting it on. Or hell, I'd even take Anakin and Padme over this raunch bullshit, and that's just plan embarrassing. WTF?...

... sigh... at least Padma was actually hot... for the five minutes when she wasn't a CG cut-out, that is...

And yes, Boomer (or Athena) in that wonderful little tank top of hers was the only damn decent thing in this episode...

... that, along with Hot Dog getting knocked out in two seconds flat, were perhaps the only things to give me hope and to keep me going, really...

Well, okay. There was one other saving grace, I suppose. Admiral Adama duking it out with Tyrol was the real climax of the episode, and the only scene worth a real damn in the grand scheme of things. Even with his mouth all bloodied up and his face gushing red, the Admiral still managed to lay the smackdown on everyone's candy asses. He got Tyrol and his "fat, lazy ass" to get back to work, as the Admiral sacrificed a battle to win the war. That's exactly why I loved his character so much in previous seasons, that he cares so much for his crew that it breaks his heart when he knows he has to sacrifice even one of them for the greater good, and it was great that the guy finally regrew his set of balls here in Unfinished Business...

Wow. Madame President is such a whore. I guess though, nice job with that fucking passionfruit top of hers by the way, although it really made no logical sense (cinematic sense sure, but logical?) for the dusty, freezing cold planet of New Caprica to be all bright and fucking red on the day that Baltar broke ground. But besides all that, hot damn, was she ever horny. Until the scene where she and Adama are staring up at the stars, every single one of her lines pretty much screamed out, "I'm a hot MILF. Fuck me, bitch". And we've just gotta assume that Admiral Adama would tap that ass. Otherwise, why the hell would he become so damn soft in the end?...

And Lee Adama, fatass self and all, had been having a decent enough season for the most part until we ran into this goddam Starbuck shit of his. Last season, it was completely forgotten for the longest time that the two had something for each other, and it was completely ignored this season so far as well. And yet suddenly, the writers Jedi force push all this emo, teen angst bullshit back down our gullets and throats without any semblance of real character development or an arc between the both of them for the past ten or so episodes? They just expect us to go, "ooh, pretty boxing ring", completely ignore the fact that Starbuck was fucking doing kick boxing of all shitty ass cheap ass cheats, and then just call it a night as the two supposedly really do love each other? WTF?...

Who the fuck writes this bullshit? The same shithead who thought Black Market would be a good idea? WTF?...

Because if I ever happen upon the poor unfortunate soul who actually wrote this galactic piece of shit of an episode?...

Seriously, was I the only one with a sense of humour when Colonel Caldwell actually recommended using Atlantis' arsenal of drones on the poor, hapless whales? I literally laughed my ass off at the Greenpeace ramifications of annihilating an entire alien fish species. And yet, strange enough, I actually was comforted by the fact that a) Elizabeth Weir turned his gracious offer down, and b) she looked smokin' hot in that little tight T-shirt of hers while doing so...

Which kind of episode exactly? The bottled up likes of which that remind me of just why I fell in love with this series so long ago...

Now obviously, it's not like I cared for every little thing that happened in Echoes. The forced Teyla and Ronan bullshit especially pissed me off to no end, as the two barely have any chemistry whatsoever (plus, I hate seeing Ronan neutered by the stick wielding bitch like so). But for the most part, every single character in this episode had an important role to play, and every single actor and actress really delivered...

It was such a simple story, one that was predictable right off the bat. While it still remains to be confirmed whether McKay last year in the Puddle Jumper was actually seeing Carter through the mental projections of "Sam", it was at least obvious here that all the visions of the old skool Ancients were being sent as a message from the whales. It was like Star Trek 4 all over again with the shitty ass plotline on paper, although this time, I actually understood the fucking humour behind it all and actually found it to be goddam funny. WTF?...

I don't know why, but I just got so much enjoyment from McKay's little "dabbling" into the world of marine biology. Sure, I could've used a Seinfeld moment or two where a humpback whale is literally fucked by a golf ball or something, but just seeing the man ecstatic about a huge ass fish in the water was somehow great. His chemistry with Sheppard was amazing in this episode, some of the best they've had all year long, especially as the latter was getting all creeped out by Rodney's insistence to keep calling the whale as "Sam". And how the fuck could anyone not laugh at all the ramblings and babbling between the both of them when their ears were punctured by the fucking tree hugging fish of all things?...

And what, you're finally figuring this out now, why exactly? Wow, what great instincts...

How can I ever hate and harp on an episode where not only did Sheppard and McKay's little debate over Doug Flutie and the rest of the hockey players in Canada make a triumphant return, but so did the clever combination of snark and comradeship between the both of them as well? I loved how they worked together in solving the riddle of Adaris and of how to use the goddam Ancient translator machine in the first place. Well, okay, so it was actually McKay doing all the work, but Sheppard was also there to share his pearls of wisdom. And I just love how much Joe Flannigan seemed to enjoy his role in this episode, as if he was playing golf again on the Atlantis balcony again or some shit like that. He just seemed so damn eager to swim with the fishes in the Puddle Jumper so to speak, and his "plan" to shield the planet from the solar proton flare using the upgraded shields of the Daedalus actually felt smart and well-thought out by the writers...

This was even Dr. Zelenka's best frickin' episode in at least a year, if not since the first season of the show. I normally don't devote a paragraph or anything more than a single sentence to the guy, but how the fuck can he possibly be denied when the man literally stole the show as he consulted solar charts before his goddam pigeon races? Most of his scenes consisted of watching whale-shaped blips on the Atlantis sensors, yet he managed to make every single one of those moments into a scene worth watching. How the hell he pulled that off, I may never know. All I do know, is that the next time whales and dolphins and pigeons go wild, I'm making sure to get some hot bitches and go wild with them too...

But alas, not every character in this episode turned out to be a hero, but I still enjoyed their performances for the most part nonetheless. Carson should've been able to accomplish more, considering he was the lead doctor on base during a massive medical emergency. His role was a little too damn diminished for my own tastes, but he still delivered a solid performance in caring for the sick and sharing in the comedic banter as McKay and Sheppard with their ears couldn't hear worth a damn...

Ronan and Teyla were utterly useless, yet I didn't mind their presence as much as I thought I would. Ronan was completely pussy whipped and I hated him for it, but he helped make up for his complete lack of a set of balls by kicking some ass and taking names in fighting practice with Teyla. Well, okay, so maybe those scenes were only saved by the fact that Teyla once again looked smokin' hot in that little Athosian spitfire outfit of hers. Why the hell she doesn't just wear that 24/7 so that I and the rest of the male population could forgive all her character's piss poor storylines throughout the seasons, I will never know...

And seriously, has there ever been an episode with Dr. Heightmeyer that I haven't thought to be a high hallmark for the series? Now, the thing is, I find that psychologist doctor to be goddam annoying and borderline retarded at times, as she should've known by now that mere hallucinations on Atlantis just don't fucking exist. But the irony is, the more I lower my head in shame at the stupidity of the bitch, the more I end up looking down at her fucking set of perfectly shaped breasts and forgiving (or forgetting) all of the horrible writing that was put into her character in the first place. Here she went all brunette with the tight-fitting T-shirt and all, and how the fuck can I ever give the thumbs down to two fucking nipples up like that?...

Of course, speaking of hot brunettes with those tight ass T-shirts, I really did honestly believe Echoes to be Dr. Weir's best episode of the season. She was strong in command at times, helping to make decisions to save the city and all its inhabitants, yet she showed that softer diplomatic side of herself that we rarely ever see from her anymore as well, choosing to even sacrifice one of her own men to protect the goddam whales shoving for shelter underneath the city...

And when the time called, she had great chemistry with the rest of the cast and crew for once. I loved how she was mocking the "guys" when it came to their obsession with the whales outside at the start, her reaction to the fish's prominent genitalia was priceless, and who the fuck can ever forget how integral she was to all the comedy about hearing aids and shit like that? For once, I actually have to give props to the writers and the actress, for producing such a goddam satisfying performance from a bitch who's normally only satisfying when she's just goddam silent there and hot. Thank you, writers, and thank you hot smokin' tight-ass T-shirt...

And I don't know, but even if Echoes didn't really excel at anything, it did all the little things right that made it feel like an instant classic to me. I've already watched the episode three times now, and I still somehow tense up whenever the Daedalus shield is getting absolutely hammered by the solar flare. Even from an action or Sci-Fi standpoint, with McKay whining and bitching in 27-page e-mails about how it was unfair for Atlantis to lose two of its three new ZPMs, I just loved every single creative thought put into this episode. Hell, it even made Stargate SG-1 more interesting of a show in the end somehow, because now I'm actually frothing in anticipation of seeing the Odyssey still get its ass kicked and name taken by the Ori, even with a goddam ZPM powering its shields on board...

Now, the plotline of Echoes was just so damn simple, that not only did it turn out to be such a brilliant character piece for every single actor and actress on the show, but it also became one of the best damn bottle episodes that this series has ever done before...

Sadly, I didn't want the show to end, as the inner tree hugger within was actually smiling and sobbing as Sam the whale was waving goodbye and flipping us all off. WTF?..

Last week, Atlantis made my ears bleed. But goddammit, this week's episode was just so damn satisfying, that it even made the dumbass disappointment of The Return (Part 2) seem like just a goddam distant echo...

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