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Y2kk Update: God, I am so damn stupid... Don't believe me? Then get a load of this... On Thursday, I found on the train ride home the girl whom I talk too much about, situated next to one of her old high school friends. Weirdly enough, either because three was a crowd or she actually was upset about the stuff I mentioned on my download site, the girl who talks too much barely said a thing. Instead, I found her friend to be a much better conversationalist that night, although I forget what we exactly talked about... except for one thing... I mentioned at one point that my dad was angry at me (or at least disappointed) that I did so horribly on my Electronic mid-term Tuesday night. The thing was, I was complaining to him about a question that used two or three transisters at once, not realizing that back when he was in college, he had to do questions with five to ten transisters, all working in series and parallel and tandem or whatever, all the time... That got this friend of my friend's mojo going, as he sort of took the words right out of mouth. He mentioned that my dad probably did these questions "uphill and downhill, both ways in the snow", and since that's always been one of my favourites lines, how I possibly resist joining on the whippersnapper of a bashing?... So since my father was from China, I commented that it's not just the snow he complains about, but rather going "uphill and downhill, both ways in the Himalayans", and that finally got a snortle of a chortle out of the girl who oddly (and eerily) no longer spoke so much... Feeling invigorated with comic relief, I continued on with my story, claiming that my dad also had to walk "both ways through the Hong Kong bay". And when the girl I talk too much about mentioned the Great Wall of China? Something just clicked in my mind, and I remembered an old story... I told them that my uncle once told me, that him and my dad once visited the Great Wall. And because my uncle always played sly pranks on my dear ol' daddy, he left him on the wrong side of the Great Wall that day, and all my dad could do was cry for help or for somebody to open the damn door... I personally thought it was a great story. And the girl who I talk too much about was laughing just so damn hard at what I had to say... it really made me feel special again, if only for a moment... but, um... the only problem was... um...

Goddammit, it wasn't until today that I finally learned the truth. I just watched a clip from Shanghai Knights this morning, and, um... I don't know how to say this, but, um... I truly am an idiot... Because now that I earnestly think back, there never was a real story about my father getting lost on the opposite of the Great Wall... that was from the bloody movie! That was Chon Wang, not my dad! I mean God, I mixed up reality with fiction, and only God knows how many times I've done that before... As far as I now remember, my dad's never ever been to the Great Wall, let alone find a way to get to the other damn side! And even if he was, with tourism today, why the hell couldn't he find his way back?... God, I feel so embarrassed. All I can hope for is that the people I said this too will forget all about the next time I mention my dad... Because honestly, who throws a cupcake? I swear, I really did think I was telling a true story at the time. And, well... That's the kind of impact a great story has on you, I guess. And who knows? Maybe it'll only be a matter of time until I start telling people my Uncle Ben was killed by a common crook that got away, and that I'm a father of a murdered son, husband of a murdered wife, and I shall have my revenge, in this life or the next... or actually, my only hope is that the girl I talk too much about never meets my father, or at least never nudges him on the elbow and mentions the whole Great Wall fiasco thing... So let's just keep our fingers crossed, and hope that she's a Quiet Canadian, shall we?

This review is long overdue, simply because I've been so damn busy these past few weeks. But as you readers know, I saw The Quiet American during the early half of Reading Week (and Daredevil the Friday after, but that review will have to wait), and even though my memory of the film has kind of waned over time, there is still one thing that I remember... The Quiet American was about as exciting and enticing to me as the Quiet Revolution. Don't know what the Quiet Revolution is? Don't bother. That's the point... I thought it would've been fun to visit pre-Vietnam War Vietnam in the movies for once, considering I am kind of getting sick of all the Full Metal Jackets and the We Were Soldiers. But the thing was, the film was exactly as the title says: quiet. Silent. Speechless. Heck, there really isn't much to talk about, because there really wasn't much to the film. The only thing I can faithfully remember is that I wasn't a very Quiet Canadian myself during the film. I kept sneering and snickering at Brendan's Frasier's faux French accent. I knew he could speak proper francais outside of reality television (and the Mummy Returns), which is why I found it so damn funny every time he imitated the language with such a bad American accent... I personally thought those touches were brilliant, and the only comic relief in an otherwise dull and lacklustre movie... and, well... I guess I don't normally like movies that practically scream out for Academy Awards, although I did love A Beautiful Mind and Castaway, but that's besides the Quiet Revolution point...

That's not to say I didn't respond to the movie though, because one thing's for sure: it left an uneasy feeling in my gut after it was all said and done, either because I didn't expect that ether of an ending, in which a certain someone was met with an untimely and murderous demise, or because I was simply disgusted by how bored I was... I guess either one's the same... The Quiet American at the core is a tale of morality, and really takes no side on who was right and who was wrong. And hell, that was the point that they were making. That no one is innocent, and no one is truly guilty. It's all relative. It's all about balance. I mean, the kind, gentle assistant to Michael Caine's Fowler ends up being a stab-happy communist in the end. Michael Caine himself ends up a little more evil than he ever was in Goldmember, but that's besides the point... And as for Brendan Frasier, the so called Quiet American? I knew he was evil as soon as I saw those glasses, but honestly, did the writers have to make such a cliche plot twist in the end? Sorry for the spoilers, but honestly, why must the American be evil in every "serious" Vietnam movie out there? Not that I'm agreeing or disagreeing, mind you. I'm just as sick of American propaganda as much as the next Quiet Canadian, but honestly, I'm even more sick of anti-American propaganda, especially after September 11th... Sure, the Quiet American tries to tell a moral tale, but I've heard the same story so many times before that I just couldn't help but snore through this film... Guess I just don't like movies with a message, although I loved Osmosis Jones and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, but that's besides the point...

But once again, I must reinstate the fact that I respect the film for at least having a vision. For instance, the love triangle was painful to watch at times, almost as painful as it is to read my updates, but I think that was how it was meant to be... not my updates, but the love triangle thing. It was meant to be painful, so we could understand the pain the characters were supposedly in... Brendan Frasier's love at first sight routine was even more corny and corky than mine, but it sort of worked in the end, as his dorkiness won the girl over much to my surprise, at least for a short time. Michael Caine however, never really looked like a man in love. Instead, I guessed that he simply liked possessing her, as he looked at Phong or however you spell her name more like a daughter than an equal. Phong herself didn't really bring much to the screen in my eyes, except recite for me a recipe of my own last name time and time again. Although I admit the buy-a-ticket-for-a-dance thing was pretty romantic at the end, it just didn't have the impact that I hoped it would have. And neither did the lie about the divorce, although the lie at the end with Fowler keeping certain dirty and dastardly secrets from her yet again did leave a slight mark on my stomach, like I mentioned before. Overall, the love triangle attempt was admirable, but just ended up feeling tedious to me. It definitely served a purpose in the end, as Caine seemed to send the Quiet American to his death more to get Phong back than it was to save the country or for his principles. But besides the climatic twist to it all, I just couldn't stand all the talk about being friends, and then moving on the girl, and blah blah blah... although you gotta admit, the British chivalry and politeness of Michael Caine was quite entertaining to watch as Frasier expressed his undying love to Phong in the same room.

But since I don't like to end reviews on an empty note, let me just mention one thing here... There were two absolutely memorable scenes in the Quiet American, that will usher in me a hush of a reverence and silence for a long time to come... I personally found the massacre at Phat Diem and the town square to be nothing more than overglorified make-up. However, the former was greatly enhanced and irrevocably tranced into my mind, by the seemingly 'romantic' conversation going on between Frasier and Michael Caine in the bomb shelter or whatever they were in down below. They were discussing Phong, with the American guy talking about love and Caine talking about his girlfriend as if she was some lightbulb or something (which was fitting, because he was as dull as a lightbulb for most of the film himself). And somehow, with the bombing going on above, this scene actually worked for me, much more than any car bombing or the blowing up of extra actors in watch towers could ever do... But the greatest scene in the entire movie came in the late stages of the town square bombing, in which the Quiet American revealed his true colours when he saw all the grisly deaths, and simply swiped away a blotch of blood from his perfectly white and seemingly angelic clothing... The contrast was brilliant, and it was truly the only part of the movie that I consider brilliant. For the rest of the movie, I was a Quiet Canadian because there was simply nothing on the screen for me to care about. But when Brendan Frasier didn't even care for a kid who had gotten his legs blown up thanks to his own, indirect actions?... Well, I was quiet, simply because I was as speechless as Fowler was. And I guess that says something... even if I would've preferred sharks with friggin' lasers on their heads...

Anyhew, I'm running low on free time (my dad just did a routine sweep of my room's perimeter to make sure I was studying), so I'd better quickly and quietly American move onto my Stargate SG-1 reviews for last week. Prophecy turned out to be the better of the double header if you ask me, and ended up being one the best episodes of the season as well... Sure, it was dumb how SG-1's stupidity came back to haunt them, as Jonas got a Kindergarten Cop or Phenomenon or whatever kind of tumour, most likely thanks to Nurti and the team's choice to simply leave the planet after Carter was cured... I really liked Jonas in this episode, as he truly did have to question his intellect for once, and not just his field skills. The story was right, at least in my views, that seeing the future does not guarantee that you can prevent anything, nor can it guarantee that you'll fulfill destiny exactly the way you saw it. Prophecy takes both of these grandfather paradoxes into effect, as Jonas' visions both got Carter half wacked, and saved SG-1's asses from an ambush on the alien planet of the week. I liked how Jonas doubted in himself, not knowing whether to trust his visions or not. And to be honest, I was left in suspense when the traitor on the alien planet heard General Hammond over the captured radio. I really didn't know whether it would cause the future to happen or prevent it, and thus, I have to give the Stargate writers real credit for actually making a episode dealing with time and destiny that was enjoyable to me... As for the rest of the cast, Carter didn't get to do much, except talk about quantum mechanics and the Heisenberg Principle (although her interpretation of it in terms of precognition is a bit too limited for my tastes). Jack didn't get any memorable lines this episode, and Teal'c was really just the hired muscle in the background. Doctor Frasier got to say a speech to Jonas though. I forget what it was about... Personally, I thought she was a good match for Daniel, but already people on the internet are thinking of Jonas and Doc Frasier sitting in a tree. I guess you just can't help falling in love with someone after you help to cut off a tumour from their brain... I should remember that the next time I want to get romantic, not that I'll ever get to chance to, however...

I mentioned that Prophecy was the better of the double header a week ago, which kind of disappointed me, since I was really looking forward to the season finale, Full Circle. And don't get me wrong. It was still a damn good episode. But it really should've been two hours long, as everything was dedicated to action rather than character development worthy of a possible series finale... Jack and Daniel had the greatest scene of the entire episode, and it came early enough to give me hope for the rest. I was already laughing when Daniel popped up in the elevator out of nowhere, ranting on and on about Anubis and Abydos, only to find Jack barely listening to a word, in which he has to revert back to the Jack and Daniel banter that put Stargate SG-1 on the map in the first place... I also loved the exchange in the briefing room, in which Jack and Teal'c both admitted to seeing Daniel before and not mentioning it to anyone else, while Carter in the background felt stifled and rifled beyond belief. She even sounded a bit agitated and lamented when she mentioned that Daniel "doesn't know", to which Jack brilliantly replied, "I know!"... However, the episode after that point sort of broke down when it came to familiarity. I was looking forward to seeing Skaara again, and although the look between Sam and Jack over the wedding thing was priceless, Skaara really didn't do anything after that. O'Neil barely seemed to care as his old friend and replacement son was dying, or even when he died, and although I liked some of Skaara's lines at the end, and the use of the kid's ball to have a scenery change in the background, I was still disappointed that our old Abydonian friend had nothing else significant to do... Running down the central cast, Carter didn't have many things to do, except shine a little red light on an eye that made it all too easy to find a weapon of mass destruction, one of which has remained hidden for millennia, even though the security around it absolutely sucked... Teal'c got to use a bad ass machine gun, and I was cheering at his use of a rocket launcher or whatever, but besides that, he was just muscle again, although I guess he doesn't need an episode centered around himself so soon after Changeling... Jonas didn't have much to do or say, except take out Daniel's old magnifying glass and tell him that he wasn't using it anymore... And like I said earlier, while Jack was brilliant at the start of the episode, he whittled down to just a hired hand by the end. I liked how he wasn't all invincible for once, and that his P90 shots didn't have True Lies accuracy for the first time in years, but still, it irked me how he didn't throw any damn grenades out the front door. Considering there were stairs leading downwards, shrapnel really couldn't done a decent job...

And as for Daniel... what can you say about the guy? It felt a little forced and rushed when he mentioned the tablet about the Ancients, and it felt a little awkward when he told Jack to hand over the Eye of Ra, but whatever staleness he had with the old team was all forgiven thanks to his final showdown with Anubis. Because honestly, the eternal battle between good and evil was finally back in full frontal force, with what the internet calls "Ben Danobi" and "Darth Anubis". And honestly, I was half expecting Anubis to say, "Stop me. Stop me now... Strike me down, young Jedi. I am unarmed...", or some crap along those lines... and quite truthfully, I enjoyed every bit of it, as the Goa'uld goading Daniel (or as I like to put it, the Goa'uld "goa'ding" Daniel... get it? Oh, nevermind...) led to an astounding climax with our favourite, little incorporeal entity being swept away like a bad Madonna film, and Abydos actually getting destroyed... However, a great start and a great finish couldn't save this episode from being just average or Just Jack in my eyes, just like a couple of admirable scenes in The Quiet American couldn't save the film from utter, rhetorical drudgery. But still, I must admit, that movie did have its merits... because like I said, Brendan Frasier cracked me up every time he faked his French, especially in the watch tower with a gun pointed at his head. Because honestly, if somebody can't even speak with a proper accent when his life depended on it?... then quite, quiet honestly, maybe there is hope that I'm not the absolute worst at goddam second tongues in the whole damn world... although you can definitely tell that I'm real bad at French if I'm trying to boost my morale by comparing myself to a fictional character, but that's besides the point...

Y2kk Update: Okay, this is gonna be a first for me... or at least, a first evil... I'm going to split my weekly reviews up into two separate updates this week, because simply put, I have too much to bloody goddam write about. I'm about to leave with my friend to quietly see the Quiet American in an hour or so, and by the time I come home, I'll hopefully be treated to the double feature of the final two episodes of Stargate SG-1, season six. So therefore, by the law of conservation of IvanFian energy, I'll leave all three of those for Friday, or Saturday, or Friday again, or whenever I'll update this site again... but knowing me and my ever increasing umph of an impeding impetus for procrastination, the day I dredge my fingers back into my dreaded keyboard may simply not come soon enough, considering I still haven't written that tweakui update I've been trying to force myself to do for two weeks now, but that's besides the point...

The story of the week is, or the Story of Us is, as bad as that movie was, that thank God and thank Jackie Chan Shanghai Knights was one of the most brilliant films I've seen since... well, since Shanghai Knights, but that doesn't make sense... Over the weeks, I've heard some good reviews and some bad reviews of the latest Owen Wilson and Jackie Chan film, and considering I was a huge fan of the original Shanghai Noon, I was sure as goddam Jack Depp Ripper hell relieved when the sequel ended up as great as the first... or actually, in my personal opinion, I'll still hold true to the notion that Shanghai Noon was absolutely Chan's funniest movie, both American and Chinese, but when you consider the epic fight scenes that he choreographed into Shanghai Knights? Now, I admit, some of his jokes may have fallen through the roof in that film, but as soon as I saw those British baddies falling through the rooftops? I knew that I was watching pure jumping swallow, spitting monkey bliss. Because simply put, the fight scenes in Shanghai Knights were simply astounding, and made the movie without a shadow of a doubt Jackie Chan's greatest film since even Drunken Boxing 2... Now, I wasn't a big fan of the first fight in this latest film of his. I found it a little too damn comical how the cliche British villain was wearing some sort of dress to exfoliate his eccentric evilness, and I did kind of laugh when Lin bounced off the sword to jump over a fence or whatever you call that thing that trips me all the time in Chinatown. However, I did like the overall atmosphere in the battle, as that swift kick through the railing was rather provocative, considering the actress who played Lin was kind of attractive, with the way she wore her hair, Shaolin vs Wutang baby tea style, but that's besides the point...

And I wasn't a big fan of that filler of a fight in New York either. Although I admire the ingenuity put into this fight revolving around a, um, revolving door, the truth of the matter is, the merry-go-round music blaring in the background just eventually got to me, like a dentist drilling into my fear of clowns and sock puppets or some crap like that... But honestly, as soon as I saw the fight in the British alleyways? I knew I was in martial arts heaven. I mean, sure my brother criticized the Singing in the Rain homage, claiming that Jackie was using wire-fu or something while floating with the umbrella, but honestly, all I saw seemed 100% real, and that was what made it so damn amazing. Because I couldn't tell whether it was real or not. Because it was surreal, although hopefully not the Surreal Life... And because though I've never really been a martial arts fan, I have been a huge fan of whenever somebody adds comedy and relief into every fight scene on screen. And honestly, there's nothing I could've wanted more with that fight in the alleywall. Everything was as perfect as it needed to be, from Jackie scaling the plank, to the bouncing rooftops, to even that one moment when Jackie crushed someone's hand with a box as he was tap dancing with that umbrella. And hell, even some in the crowd laughed when Jackie made a prayer sign after landing in the casket, and somehow, even though I didn't really care for that moment, the fact that other people did just made me smile... Because this was Jackie Chan at his finest. I loved the way he freaked out when he saw the eyes watching him from behind the portraits. I loved his use of the ladder, spinning some helpless guy as a weapon across the room. And I gurgled on my chuckles at that Rush Hour 1 homage, in which Jackie kept dishing out the dishes and the vases to the poor Chinese Boxers who simply refused to break a damn thing. Because hell's bells, Shanghai Knights may not be martial arts at its best, but it definitely was Jackie Chan at his best, and that's all I've ever asked for from this film...

Now, I will admit that I was a bit disappointed in the final fight with that Chinese would-be-emperor with new clothes or a new groove or whatever. Not only was it pathetic how that villain missed every single grazing shot with that goddam gatling gun, but I thought his fight with Wang was simply too short, with the only memorable moments being the slide across the plank and the firework blowing up that fiesty firecracker of a fighter guy... However, I do realize the reason why this battle was so short. Because the film was getting long, and they definitely had to keep room for that sword-fight near the end. And honestly, I never thought I'd see swordplay in a movie that I'd like, especially after that fiasco of a Swordfish in, um, not Swordfish... but honestly, even though nothing spectacular ever really happened in the duel, I must admit that the two swords against one thing had me on the edge of my seat, especially when Jackie was literally hanging on a thread. And every damn time the villain would play the cocky, cockney role by giving up a sword, saying "one more time", I would grin and grimace at how damn stupid this guy really was. He reminded me of Evan from Joe Millionaire actually, but more on that in my next update... Of course, I wasn't really one to complain about all that, considering I for one did not see that stellar finale... And I couldn't have been more satisfied. Because for once, Jackie was not invincible. For once, he was not immune to every sword slash or every cannon ball shot. But rather, he was human. And me, myself, and irrate IvanF and all, and me being Chinese and all, I just somehow found the finish to the film to be that damn gratifying, and that damn conniving. Call it cliche if you will, but I absolutely loved how Jackie used the stupid, idiot British guy's arrogance against him. For once, I saw a movie where the Chinese fighter wasn't depicted as some unholy god or something, capable of dodging or deflecting bullets or some crap like that. Instead, I saw something that actually could've been real, and I for one welcomed the change.

However, if there was one problem with the film, it was how damn stupid the damn villains were. I already mentioned the massacre of the gatling gun massacre, and about the cockiness that only an Englishman can bring to the screen. I didn't mention however, that I was practically rolling my eyes at the fact that they wouldn't kill Lin until the damn fireworks started (I mean, was it really that hard to just kill her five minutes beforehand? Or at least stretched her to death, Insurrection style, a few scenes before?...), or how damn hard I was laughing when Owen Wilson was being dunked into the river by that awfully, woefully, unnecessarily slow, dipping mechanism?... I mean, honestly, who throws a shoe? Honestly? Why couldn't they at least get frickin' sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads? At least Owen would've died then... But noooo... because oh well, AOL, not every pot in a roast can be gold, and the same goes for Owen Wilson, who was funny as Johnny hell, yet just didn't seem comical enough to truly steal the show. I mean, I really didn't laugh in the film until Owen Wilson told Jackie to think about his sister while pumping pimp sex into that girl in the hotel, and when you think about it, that was a pretty damn long drought... But all things considered, especially the latter half of Knights, although Wilson couldn't top his efforts in Shanghai Noon in my opinion, he came awfully damn close. Everything from his riding of the "automobile" out of the barn, to his complaints about leaving a pile of stone rocks in the middle of nowhere, were simply brilliant... Then again, I thought the "Roy Baloney" and the pillow fight scenes were kind of blah and a little long-winded for my tastes, although for some odd reason, I kept laughing at that bald guy jumping on the bed... I guess he reminded me a little too much of a young me... But my final answer and the final consensus on Roy O'Bannon came when he was being dunked like a duck in that unnecessarily slow dipping mechanism. While Jackie was fighting on the side with, um, that unnecessarily slow turning mechanism, I was absolutely howling at Owen Wilson and his comments, to just drown him then and there to put him out of his misery. Owen Wilson is absolutely the master of sarcastic, dark humour, and I personally think his chemistry with Jackie Chan is the best that there is, the best there was, and, well, probably the best that there'll be or not to be... although Jackie, Chris Tucker, and a cell phone do have their moments at times....

As for the rest of the cast in the movie, I was surprised when I found that I liked Charlie Chaplin. His cockney accent, whether it was real or not, may have thrown me off at first, considering I couldn't understand what the hell he was saying, but over time, I began to endear him, as a friend that you never want to introduce to your other friends, and he honestly did remind me of a young Owen Wilson... though thankfully not the Royal Tenuous Bomb of a Wilson volleyball, that is... Anyhew, I especially liked the look on the orphan's face upon seeing Roy O'Bannon's plan to crash the castle with a catapult, although if you asked me, I would've said the plan had merit... Sir Arthur Conan Doyle was alright, playing the stereotypical, gangly guy from the streets of London... or, um, Scotland Yards, actually... He didn't have any memorable lines though, unless he was the one who called the prison a "yard" for some odd reason. I mean, honestly? Who throws a Stonehenge shoe? Honestly? If you're going to speak English, please God don't speak English English... Which reminds me somehow. Getting back to the central, cereal (and not Luny serial) character of Lin, I thought that her chemistry with Owen Wilson was a little bit off. Their romance felt forced, as she went from calling him "charming" at the start of the film, to glancing into his eyes and knowing that he's a family man after practically no time spent whatsoever. Makes me wish I had a Luny Lin around to fall in love with under the Lune, but that's besides the point... But while the romance faltered, it was definitely used to good comedic measure, as if only, I wished Owen Wilson went farther than his "you have a great body" to Lin as Jackie Chan was gargling and groping in the back. And I must admit, I did feel a spark or a tingle or a premature shooting of Grosse Point blanks when the dreamy Lin licked Owen in his dream, and I did feel they somehow did work at the end, when he gracefully helped her onto the carriage like a knighted gentleman, although I'm not sure if I felt this way because of the movie, or because the actress looked pretty damn hot, even with that English dress cursing her with English teeth and hopefully not an English English accent...

All in all, like I said before, Shanghai Knights was absolutely Jackie Chan's best American film, and now officially stands as my second favourite Jackie Chan film of all time. The singing in the rain homage was truly one of the most innovative battles I've ever seen, and the ferocity of the sword fight at the end was truly a breath to behold, as that damn idiot English guy truly did seem menacing with his fancy pants and funny accent... The supporting actors all played stupendous roles, with Owen Wilson playing his best comic relief since the original Shanghai Noon, and with Lin playing the hottest Chinese fighter I've seen outside of Hong Kong soap operas... Sure, I can complain about all the cliches in the film, like the holiness of Queen Victoria or the constant pitter patter of rain (even if I do agree that England blows...), but why bother dwelling on the little things in life, when there's so many things grander in the film? I found it fitting that Owen Wilson and Jackie Chan opened up the puzzle box together at the end, and found a stone that reminded me all too much of the few dozen I have at home... or outside the home, gracing our garden as fertilizer now that human piss is frowned upon, but that's besides the point... The point is, I got the point of the film. It was about family, and as cheesy as that was, I did feel a connection between all three in the carriage at the end, as they sailed off into the sunset, or some crap like that... I also got the other message in the film too. Take it from me. Invest in Zeppelins. Because honestly... if I can make money in Nortel, then Johnny Depp hell, you can make money in anything...

Anyhew, I'd better move onto my Buffy review for the week before I go to be extra quiet for the Quiet American or whatever kind of crap... Short story short, I wanted Get It Done to be my First Date of a first date, whatever the hell that's supposed to mean. I wanted to like this week's episode, I really did, but I just knew that I wouldn't, especially after the omen of me snickering and grabbing a Mars bar at Chloe hanging dead from the ceiling, and when I sort of snored through Buffy's speech about usefulness... and it certainly didn't help when I caught myself laughing my assface off at the horrible CGI graphics used to swell a swarm of seas of Ubervamps or some crap like that, but that's besides the point... Although I did find it surprising that Buffy would resort to taking out her frustrations like an army officer on her subordinates or some crap like that, considering the show has previously all been about teen metaphors and not taking things seriously, even the Bring It On statement couldn't keep my eyes open... not until the wonderful muppet show came along. Possibly the only thing that I liked about this episode was the stylish art direction, as the shadow puppet show and the misty demon flying through a hazy, grazy coloured screen was simply too damn cool to ignore. However, when it came to the actual characters and plot of the show? Stuff didn't exactly fare not so good... along with my English English apparently, but that's besides the point...

Dawn was alright, although I found it odd how she suddenly picked up Sumerian, although her yelps and cries when the text turned to English was simply all too cool... And speaking of cool, Andrew was once again one of my favourite geek of the group, but he didn't get to do much, except bake, hide the board, and call himself a "guestage" of the hostage of the house... Xander did nothing but add sarcastical comments, which worked really well nonetheless when the exchange student of a demon grabbed him from the portal, but I digress... I didn't like what Willow had to say this episode, considering I hate how modern fads like to depict magic in the realm of Physics. I'm just not saying this as an engineer, but also as a scientist wannabe, bur honestly, I just couldn't stand her talk about the conservation of energy, but that's not really Hannigan's fault I guess. Besides, I did laugh at her comment about sucking at Latin, since I was also thinking the same damn thing at the time, but that's besides the point... Anya really only got to talk about her uselessness, which reminded me a lot of Season 5's The Gift, when Giles started crapping on her too, only to be cut off mid sentence when she remembered the orb thing and her ex-husband of a troll's hammer... Spike didn't have many lines, and I felt it odd how he was crazy just a few months ago, yet relished the kill this week with a cigarette and a bad pun about a tusk, no pun intended (not like there was a pun there...)... but then again, how can I possibly stay made at a guy who gets theme music while walking in his trademark, whatever you call it, leather duster thingy in a school hallway?... and, well... Am I forgetting anyone? Well, the episode forget about Giles, but I'll waiver that clause off... But anyhew, all in all, Get It Done just couldn't bring it on or get it done when it came to my tastes, although I thought it was a decent filler of an episode. The First showed it could attack the group from within with the whole suicide thing, not to mention using Buffy's own morbid words against her, but still, I just didn't feel anything decent for this episode... But if there's one upside, at least I didn't have to hear any horrible London accents again, as some Molly action really would've thrown me out of a loop and made me throw myself out of a window, all Charlie Chaplin things considered... And call me crazy For You if you will, but I'd rather take Luny Lin's Chinese accent any day, especially if she spots-my-dick to offer me food, thank you very much, but that's besides the point...

But while Buffy just wasn't as Buffilicious as Lin this week, Enterprise definitely was. Future Tense, if that was what the episode was called, wasn't just action tense, and it wasn't just intellectually tense, but it was sexually tense as well, and the trio of these three all combined together made one hell of a show... I laughed at both of the sexual innuendo moments that I could spot-with-my-dick, the first being when T'Pol had a Pillarian slip of her own, mentioning that Vulcans probably couldn't mate with humans, and at the end of the episode, where she comments that the High Command will probably believe in time travel before the idea of humans ever marrying Vulcans... That's one thing I love about Enterprise. The writers took such an innocent plotline, like a wee little ship from the future landing like a mine in the middle of a scavenger hunt, and turned it upside down and on its side into an X-Files sort of "shipper" episode. And, well... I for one would've never guessed that Phlox's simple discovery of Vulcan DNA in the human pilot's corpse could've caused T'pol to reassess her notions so damn much and so damn well, but that's what I love about Enterprise. Because it's the simple things in writing you treasure... And while T'Pol once again excelled at her exemplary display of mixed emotions, I also found her scene in the mess hall to be rather delightful with Phlox, as they both juxtaposed their philosophies on life in a way of the warrior that actually worked. I thought it was rather fitting that he would embrace surprises while she embraced logic, while the rest of the Enterprise crew probably fits in between...

Archer was kind of sub-standard fare throughout most of the episode, although he really shined to me in the final moments. As simple of an idea as it was, the simple fact that time was looping while he and Reed were readying the warhead was so damn ingenious that it actually did make the scene seem so damn more tense, like a twist on a dynamite timer or some Western crap like that. I mean, who would've thought of such an innovative tick-tock of a Big Ben timer, without Owen Wilson hanging by the minute hand I mean, in which the Enterprise crew loses the race for once, simply because time is literally against them?... As for the rest of the crew, I think they all did admirable jobs, even Mayweather, who got to fire phase cannons for once for some damn reason. I will admit however that Hoshi deserved better this episode, as she was relegated to pretty much arbitrarily pushing and dialing knobs in her own corner of the galaxy... but here's hoping for a bright future for her, because it can't rain all the time, except in London, although if it does, pray to God it does on her's and Lin's bare tops, and that it gives me the chance to make them rain all the time down below, oy oy oy, but, um, that's besides the point... and top de bottom, and bottom de top, Trip Tucker the third truly was at the peak of his game in Future Tense. I loved the look on his face when he stared down the pod's shaft and saw that the inside of the ship was far larger than the outside. I loved his mention of the Stegosaurus, and the gaze on his face when he realized the time loop. I loved the intrigue he wore on his brow when he first heard the future beacon beeping and bleeping and cursing to wherever or whenever it was going to go. I loved his mention of the Stegosaurus, and the gaze on his face when he realized the time loop. I loved his talk with Malcolm before all that, with the analogy of knowing your future wife and living happily ever after. But most importantly, I loved his mention of the Stegosaurus, and the gaze on his face when he realized the time loop. Because Trip Tucker, ladies and gentleman, was truly the perfect package tonight... although, um, I guess I shouldn't have said that to the gentlemen in the crowd... or actually, as a supposed gentleman myself, I shouldn't have said anything like that at all, or risk being stung by stigmata of social stigmas, so maybe I should just shut up right about here...

But I just can't shut up, because I feel like I'm in a friggin' time warp here! Because honestly, who throws a stonehenge shoe? Honestly? I loved Trip's mention of the Stegosaurus, and the gaze on his face when he realized the time loop... I had Old London on one hand, old school Jackie Chan fighting on the other hand, Buffy in the tense present on, um, some other Genesha hand, and Future Tense on some tense, um, future shoulder that I haven't grown yet or some crap like that... I absolutely loved this week in entertainment, where Jackie Chan's ass got burned from a barnyard fire, Spike lit a cigarette in hope that he doesn't get called assface again, and the Vulcans got their asses kicked for once by the long-awaited return of the Tholians, who somehow kicked the bejusus of a Future Family Guy out of the Suliban as well... All in all, it's been an overload in entertainment for me this week, and that's why I had to split my update in two. Because the more Hoshi, and the more Lin, the better. Hell's bells, I'm seeing double... Twins! We're going to see the Twins!... though not in Minnesota, thank God... or actually, I'm going to see the Quiet American or the American Quilt or How to Make an American Guilt, or some movie along those lines or behind those enemy lines or whatever kind of crap... which was a really bad Owen Wilson film, come to think of it, and now that I think of it, if he hadn't done the Shanghai series? I would've never forgiven him for those Royal Tenuous Bombs of his, the ones without Queen Victoria and a catapult aimed at Buckingham Palace that is, but that's besides the point...

Y2kk Update: I got my first History of Science mid-term back yesterday... I sort of got a 66%, which is not exactly as much as I asked for... I was seriously hoping for a 69, considering Beka Valentine's day is just around the corner, but alas, all good things must come to an end, and I guess it can't rain all the time, now can it?... I wasn't really embarrassed about my mark exactly though, even though I can't complain about its trivial trivialness when it did consist of many short answers. However, I did sort of feel my cheeks bursting with bluffing and blushing when I found out that all my friends in the class had beaten me when it came to this mid-term. I'm the one who normally sends them the notes I make for history class, sort of signalling to them as if I knew my stuff or some crap like that, and thus, they couldn't help but slightly miff and mock me for being of the lowest caliber in our little group... And it certainly didn't help matters, at least not for me, when I did my own mockumentary of the TA that marked this goddam mid-term, only to twist my head slightly to the tight right afterwards, and finally notice that that same damn TA was now standing right next and beside me... and, um... oops... My friend then cemenented my status then and there, and told me that if my TA didn't like me before, he certainly didn't like me now... not that I'm complaining, mind you. Because when have I ever complained?

Well, okay. So I did complain a hell of a lot about the pisser-offers on the Buffy forums last week. So sue me. Or sue Sue-619. But my mind hasn't changed about them. I mean, why is it that nearly every single pessimistic forum person out there seems to write commentaries, treatises, and reviews, longer than even my goddam Y2kk Updates, each and every single week about episodes they claim they can't stand to watch, yet keep on watching, just so they can pour gasoline on their flame and flamers, in the endless hope of writing an insightful and funny parody to gain others' favour?... and, well... I know, I know, I should be the first to relinquish my status and relate, considering all I ever do every week is bash these forum bashers. But at least I don't call my rants "treatises"... hell, I don't even know what a treatise is. And hell, what the hell does paradigm mean? Honestly, who throws a shoe? Or an appareil? Honestly?...

Anyhew, the thing about the forums last week was that these intellectual bastards of bashers were finally getting the praise and respect they thought they deserved over the past two weeks. Because so many casual forum perusers hated The Killer in Me so much, that they even complimented the critics' humour in their ten page reviews... But the thing was, this week's episode, "First Date", was so damn good in my eyes and the casual viewers' eyes, that all those early, negative posts about this week's episode, from the same damn people who blasted last week's episode, were completely ignored this week and rightfully so, simply because... well... because nobody believed them for once... And for good reason. Because I was damn well surprised at how coherent and spunky First Date was, both in writing and in plot development, the former of which was pretty much shunned and abandoned in last week's effort. The star of First Date was definitely Buffy in my eyes, and not only because ASN, the channel that I watch BTVS on, finally broadcasted in decent enough quality that I could finally see that lusty lustre of hers shining off of her sultry shoulders once again... Not only was Gellar beautiful, but she delivered her lines with stunning poignancy (making me hope that I can stick to her my point one of these days as well...). I loved her comments about earing urban legends this and mechanical pencils that. I absolutely found it adorable how she admitted to watching Joe Millionaire or whatever other crap reality show she was referring to. I thought her conversation with Willow about possibly liking Principle was one of the most well done conversations in years, as Buffy is always at her best when she's considering playful love. And I even loved her "bidat of evil" line, even though I have absolutely no clue what the hell a biday or bidat is... She was great in the latter half of the episode as well, as her looks towards the peeing Anya were great, her acting towards Spike was brilliant, I thought she looked like a rather "frisky vixen" as she kept asking Principle Wood about his powers and past, and I even loved the look in her eyes when Xander was asking Willow to gay him up... A cute, quip Buffy was exactly what I needed before Valentine's Day, and thank God that's what I got. Because even though I rarely admit it, and as much as I love the more serious tone of the series now, I still do miss the old Buffy. I still do sort of wish she was still in high school... but then again, I was one of the few that loved the Initiative. I thought they had some real drive, but, um, nevermind...

And even though I mentioned last week that I've never been a fan of Willow, I did miss the seductiveness cuteness she had back in Seasons 2 and 3 whenever she said an ambigious line. And I absolutely loved her downright playfulness this episode, as she told Buffy to dress appropriately for Wood's good and evil ambiguity, and as she chastised the now-chaste Xander for being a girl demon magnet. And Xander played a pretty good role as well this episode, as I laughed so damn hard when he admitted early on that his date could be evil, simply because she was interested in him, and also when he finally cried out, "I knew it!", as he was being tied to that hoist thingy above the Danthar-whatever seal... Anya was barely in this episode, but I simply adored every minute that she was there. I loved the return of the blood-slash-pizza stain from Conversations with Dead people, I thought Anya looked every bit as great as Buffy when she put her hands in her pockets (not sure why that turned me on, though... oh wait, I do...), I found the shrill in her jealous voice to be every bit as alluring as the Sirens of Greek past, and hell, how could I not love her comment about peeing? I know it sounds sick for a guy to like hearing girls talk tales about peeing, but... um... now that I think about it, I really should stop talking... But as for Principle Wood? He did a pretty good job in this episode as well. He personally helped Gellar to one of her best fight scenes against Vampires in a long time, as the dusty deaths were dynamic and dramatic in so many different ways (I especially loved the moment where Buffy mounted a vampire from behind, but, um... nevermind...). His scenes in the French restaurant were alright, and I did like the seriousness in his face when he first saw the First in the form of his mother, but my personal favourite Woody, Allen juice moment in First Date was when he was in the car with Buffy and Spike... first of all, I loved the awkwardness in the scene. And secondly... um... was it me, or did Wood see Spike in the rear-view mirror? That's twice Spike has been seen in a mirror, the first being in Him when we saw his reflection in that jock's house or sometime. It's possible both were just mistakes from the writers, but honestly... you can never be too sure... and lastly, although Dawn had little to say in this episode, I thought her scene with Andrew was brilliant, as his geekiness seems to be rubbing off on her. I mean, by ignoring the potential slaying of the potential slayers, I swear she's turning at least a little semi-evil... And as for Andrew? As much as I loved Buffy and Xander in this episode, Andrew stole the show yet again. From his Price-is-Right showing of the microwave, to his calling of the apparition "Johnathan-slash-the First", to his feelings that Redemption is painful as Dawn ripped off his nipples with the tape, to every single damn thing he did... he truly was the best comic relief I've had since... well, since the last time he was prominent on the show... Because honestly, even I was laughing along with Johnathan at the fact that a geek had to read a manual! I mean goddammit, it's intuitive!... and honestly, how could I possibly not love First Date, amid all the great writing and natural flowing (and hope of Valentine's day flowing in a bidat from above...), when Andrew mentioned Captain Archer! He was mentally undressing Captain Archer... Ah, good times...

(<PS>: Before I move onto my Enterprise mini-review, I should note that for the first time since Conversations with Dead People, the First Evil truly was menacing and ominously threatening. Although I sort of laughed at the image of Johnathan's corpse, there's no denying that its threats towards Andrew had me on the tip of my seat, and at the tip of my berg, whatever the hell that's supposed to mean... and, well... Giles had some great moments too, first by showing his Hush-like flash cards to the gang, and then by pointing at them, claiming there's nothing funny about it... I also enjoyed how he acted as a father figure to Buffy again for the first time since last season, although he was a bit demoralizing to the group when it came to their first dates... And finally, I should mention something about Cho-an, or however you potentially spell that new potential's name. The thing was, although I should've laughed at her remarks about being lactosse intolerant and not knowing the hell what anyone was saying, the fact of the matter is, I couldn't find her scenes funny, because her Cantonese accent was just so damn bad... almost as bad as mine... Even though there were subtitles on the bottom, it still took me two or three viewings to properly understand what she was trying to say... Then again, her last comment about Giles trying to kill her did actually sound pretty close to how it should've sounded, probably because we Chinese hear that same statement from our parents all the time, and it's only natural to pick up that accent of whininess after so many repeated yellings and screamings, but that's besides the point... </PS>)

Which is kind of ironic when you think about it, considering this week's episode of Enterprise was one of the few where Archer didn't manage to get his shirt off... Nonetheless, although Andrew and Xander may have been disappointed, I was not. I personally loved Ceasefire, despite the one-dimensional nature of the supporting characters. Soval was pesky as usual, except at the end, where he merely called Archer "not overly meddlesome", and Shran was his usual self, albeit was a bit of naivete when it came to his first officer or whatever. The supporting crew of the Enterprise didn't fare much better either, as Reed just got to use the Tactical Alert for the first official time, Hoshi sat in her spot arbitrarily pushing and pulling dials, and Mayweather?... well, he didn't even get the opportunity to get injured this episode like every other episode, but I digress... At least Phlox had a decent moment with Archer, revealing that he served as a medic in war... But once again, the true trio of Enterprise (Archer, T'Pol, and Tucker) truly shone yet again, as Trip did an admirable job of siting and sitting the Enterprise between the really cool looking ships of the Vulcans and Andorians (although I personally thought the hardened look in the engineer's face was a little too overdone to actually be decent). And honestly, how can anyone hate a guy who wears flame retardant underwear and is retarded enough to actually talk about flaming it up?... Archer was his usual self, talking about the Federation without naming it, and doing his best to make both the Andorians and Vulcans look as illogical as possible compared to humanity... It was kind of hard for me to believe that he could sneak up on that female Andorian so easily (no-one was covering her back?), but all was forgiven when he tripped and fell down a hole, only to slug her in the face with a vicious right that Dawn's Trip would be proud of... And T'Pol stole the show yet again with a couple of great scenes. Her worrisome look off to the side told all as she noticed how unprepared Archer was in the shuttlepod. And her conflicted feelings when chatting with Soval about her career on Enterprise truly were gratifying to me, if only because she's the first actor in the long time that has been able to convey trust without cheesy words... And all in all, Ceasefire was a brilliant episode built on a brilliant effort, and although it was a bit too predictable how the Andorian woman would end up as a traitor, I certainly did appreciate her point of view, as it's sadly but not too strangely more than common in the world today.

In Enterprise, all I saw was blue, with the Enterprise crew wearing their uniforms, and the Andorian Shran having really cool antennae that writhed and waggled as he ragged on his betrayer... all of which culmulated in Stargate SG-1, as all those blue uniforms worn by Colonel Renson or Ronson or Mel Lastman Ransom or whatever his name was, and his very Buffilicious first officer, Gant, really made Stargate feel like an Enterprise episode set in the modern day... which wasn't a bad thing at all to me, all things considered, considering I loved this week's episode of Memento. Now, it didn't have many quippy, ingenious lines, except for O'Neil's talk of the Goa'uld being dastardly, little litterbugs, and that look in Teal'c's eyes at that weapons officer who had to be told to prepare weapons on the bridge... Jack's strength this episode came from his interactions with Renson, the first decent, US commander the show has gotten since Makepeace was taken into custody long time ago. I found it rather candid and fitting how Jack couldn't stand not being the one in the center chair and the center spotlight for once, and his talks with the 'captain' or whatever did feel based upon mutual respect. Renson's dealings with that tactical guy from Tagrea or Tangrea however, were a bit too stereotypically aggresive for my tastes. But conflict is always needed in an episode, even if it does echo a certain desert storm... Which was probably the best scene in the episode. The naquadria, core explosion was nice, although it's been overdone in Star Trek, but the real star of the show was the Stargate, as it was being risen and hoisted in the light of Tagrea's shining star. It truly was a majestic moment, the first of its kind since the Stargate movie itself. It made the Ring of the Gods look ominous and all-powerful for the first time in years, and truly was a breath to behold... Truth be told, I liked the Tagreans, if that's how you spell the name. The Chancellor was multi-faceted, and had a decent, albeit James Kirkish speech near the end. And although the repeated monorail scene did get to me after a while (while Jack's redudant line about redudancy had me laughing on the floor), the scene of the city was the best one I've seen since Shadow Play... which reminds me. Earth has definitely assembled quite a number of allies this year, haven't they? They've definitely formed a formidable entente with the Pangarians and now the Tagreans, and if only Kelowna would get involved, maybe the Tollans and the Tok'ra being essentially out of the picture won't be so bad for earth afterall. As long as Thor pays them a visit, like the touch from a 7th Heaven angel, now and again...

(<P-slash-S>: I should also note yet again that as a geek, I couldn't get enough of the Prometheus, even though I'm not Greek... though I am a tragedy, or at least tragic, but that's besides the point... The ship provided for me two of the best scenes a geek can ever pant or Pandora hope for: a) a room full of modern laptops in a frickin' starship, and b) a scene where the red dot goes towards the green dot on radar, reminiscent of season 2's 1000 megaton Goa'uld Busters coming at Apophis' ship, only this time the roles were reversed to amicable degree... As for the Prometheus itself, it's the coolest ship I've seen since the Enterprise-D first flew into Colonel Q. The X-303 has Asgard blasters and Asgard shields (which oddly enough, were too crappy to protect against EMPs and Gravity waves, of all things), Goa'uld transport rings, a human trinium hull, and earth-based naquada missiles, not to mention a kick-ass naquadria hyperdrive for a kick-ass ride (was I the only one who thought Gant resembled the ball-kicking NASA woman from Armageddon?... nevermind...). Of course, even though they went on just a shake-down cruise, I still would've had eight X-301s or X-302s in the docking bay, in case of any ballistic missile attacks, and a Goa'uld cargo ship in the hanger bay, just in case a rescue has to be called... not to mention an extra naquadria buffer in the cargo bay or some crap like that, considering it's the goddam most valuable part (MVP) of the goddam ship... but oh well, AOL, I guess the folks back home were as stupid as Michael Bay when it comes to contingency plans... and that's my rant for today... </P-slash-S>)

As for the rest of the cast, Sam didn't get many scenes, except for a reported staring at Jack's buff of a butt near the end, although I guess I should reword that... Teal'c really only had that moment on the bridge to stand out. And Jonas had a few good moments, lauding the professor for his inability to blend into the background. Overall, this episode was more about the Prometheus and plotlines than it was about the central characters, which was not a bad thing at all. It ended up making the show feel a bit too Star Trekish for most tastes, but considering I'm more like Andrew than anyone else on the Buffy show, how could I possibly not be happy with Jack O'Neil mentally undressing Scott Bakula?... or, um, maybe I should just shut up, right about here... and hope that ASN still shows Buffy in good enough quality to bring me to tears...

Y2kk Update: Internet forums are like a drug... or what's more like a drug, is a drug... I can't believe my friend at university didn't like that Simpsons episode, the one where Homer and family star in a mockumentary about their television lives. The thing was, he blamed the episode for turning the Simpsons from a smart, political satire into just another comedy in a swarm of television crap. And although I see his point, I certainly don't see his logic. I mean, Simpsons was spoofing movie and music documentaries. How could that possibly not be considered a smart satire?... He then blamed me for being the type of writer that would create "filler episodes" instead of continuity, that I would rather have NSync get beat up by Homer in a football helmet or have Lisa join the Survivors in the Amazon than have any real progress in the series... He hated the mockumentary more than I thought, simply because he thought it mocked everything he admired about the Simpsons in the first place... It mocked his dream, of keeping Simpsons the way it was... and, well...

If it wasn't for my experiences on the Stargate and Buffy forums, I might've thought my friend was a fanatical wack-job, who wacks off at Homer Simpson or some crap like that... and even with my experience, I still think he's some fanatical wack-job who, well, you know what... But his disproval of the Simpsons being taken out of their artificial universe into another artificial universe (without the use of a Halloween special, that is) was more than familiar to me, considering I absolutely loved "Normal Again" from Buffy last season, only to find that the forums absolutely tore that episode to shreds, blaming the writers for making Buffy seem like a schizophrenic lunatic rather than a hero... The thing was, the episode never once explicitly stated that Buffy was actually in a mental hospital in real reality. It only suggested the possibility, which I was absolutely fascistly fascinated with (just like I was with Benjamin Sisko, the mental writer, in Deep Space 9), and yet certain forum posters swore to boycott the series from that point on, simply because the writers weren't giving them what they wanted, that their dreams were more important than the show, that their opinions were far more opium important than those of the series' creator.

And although the talkback for this week's episode, "The Killer in Me", was nowhere as painful to read as it was for Normal Again, I once again was forced with the predicament of reading complaint after whorish complaint on forums about how they're turned Willow into just another stereotypical lesion of a lesbian, that they've ruined her character along with Buffy's and everyone else's, and blah blah blah... It's ironic that all these people would complain how boring the series has become, only to keep watching and keep writing review after piss poor review, each and every one of them more boring than the last... and, well, um, that actually sounds more like me, constantly whining and whimpering week after week about the whiners on the forums, but I digress... Okay dokay then, moving along, I admit that although the Killer in Me deserves my personal high praise for it's original premise (I never would've came up with a storyline of the murderer turning into, um, another murderer out of guilt...), the episode did sorely suffer from a lack of balance and unity between all of its three, disjointed plotlines. The Giles being incorporeal evil one was seriously underutilized, as all that came out of it was Andrew threatening to glue stuff together, and Anya having absolutely no use in this episode whatsoever... Although I must admit, my eyes were getting all misty from tearful laughter when Giles commented, "I'm evil when I take girls on a camping trip and don't touch them?"... Sure, the internet roared against that line, swearing that the real Giles would never say such an unEnglish comment or some kind of crap, but I for one enjoyed the comedy as it was, and I couldn't help but laugh at the moments when Andrew grabbed Willow/Warren in the breasts, and as Dawn kept poking and general patting Willow as Warren, simply to see how real he was.

The Spike plotline, in which his chip starts going haywire, did feel rushed and out of place in this episode. I loved seeing the initiative back, and I thought it was interesting how the demon Buffy fought was wearing army clothes, but the entire battle scene suffered from a real lack of lighting (probably because they were saving money for the finale or something), and also because Buffy throughout the episode seemed to talk with a squeeky voice, as if she was the one who had the flu and not Kennedy... who, um, also did not have the flu, but that's besides the point... Sad to say, I didn't get the "tea" references at the start of the episode. That sort of went over my head, although if tea is a sexual thing, then we Chinese must really be sexual predators... And I really didn't like the conversation between Kennedy and Willow in the Bronze, as it was kind of painful to see the potential slayer drag so many details about Tara out of mourning star Willow... although I personally do the same to pretty much everyone I talk to (and get into a lot of trouble for it), but that's besides the sorry point... Altogether, I must admit, I didn't see much chemistry between Willow and Kennedy. Hell, I didn't even see much of anything between Kennedy and Warren, as even their magical kiss at the end didn't spark shivers up my spine or anything. And I would complain about this, except for one reason and one reason only: I've never liked Willow. She had a lot of cute lines in seasons 2 and 3, and I loved Hannigan in the American Pie movies, but I never liked her relationship with Oz, I didn't care much when she cried from Xander having sex with Faith, and I certainly didn't shed a tear when Tara got shot in the heart. I never liked Tara and Willow together, and it bothers me how the internet seems to think it's wrong for Willow to move on, as if the lesbian couple deserves special treatment over the other past couples or some crap like that. Sure, they can complain that the 'kiss a man into a woman' thing was a little too cheesy and fairy-tale cliche, as I thought it was, but must they really call Willow a pedophile, for simply being interesting in a girl about two or three years younger than she is (and yet no-one mentions that Angel was 200 years older than sweet 16 Buffy)? And more to the point, the fans on the internet seem to think that Willow and Tara were soulmates, and that Willow finding someone else ruins this ideal dreamcatcher of a dream for the world wide net... and, well, first of all, I might as well remind those forums bashers that Tara wasn't liked very much upon her initial arrival either, and not just by me. And secondly, is it me, or is the internet community acting as if they're Willow's best friend or something, just like Willow called Riley's wife, Sam, a bitch last season, even though she actually liked her?.. or actually, the fans called Sam a bitch as well, even though I didn't see her do anything wrong. But after doing so many routine sweeps over the forums, it seems to me that the fans are so afraid of changing the things they like, that if a certain number of them had their way, no-one would grow up, and Buffy and friends would still be in high school... hell, she would still have sixteen candles on her birthday cake, just like Lisa Simpson still has eight, but that's besides the point...

At the very least, I wish the Buffy fans would appreciate Normal Again for what it's worth, as an insightful tale into the possibilities of the mind. But then again, boys will be boys, and fans will be fans, and Stargate is just as susceptible to the same, half-sane criticism from the fans, especially for such Marty episodes as Wormhole Xtreme and Point of No Return... Criticism abounded on certain forums last week as well, against the casual flirting between Sam and that Celtic leader guy in "Forsaken". I personally thought their lines were quite cute, and I definitely have to use that plugging my ship into her battery thing, one of these days when I see her in a movie theatre... But of course, the fans didn't exactly rejoice at the comedy, since they wanted the flirtful banter to be between only O'Neil and her, and never anyone else. And in a sense, they did get some... I didn't get why Jack seemed so stupid around the telescope at the start, considering he's an amateur astronomer, but at least it got Sam to laugh. Jack didn't do much in this episode, except follow Teal'c and follow his spider senses that were tingling at the fact that something was wrong. Teal'c didn't do much either, except stare at the phallic trees as if he was horny... I did like Jonas this episode though, as not only did he get to look like the smart man on campus, but he also got kissed on the first date. I thought that Celtic girl looked very cute on Jonas, although come to think of it, she'd probably look good on anybody... She had a sweetness to her smile that only made her more suspicious, and although it was kind of dumb for her to trust the addresses on Jonas' computer, I did like her evilness at the end as she was dialing the DHD, telling Jonas that she wasn't lying about him being cute... I also have to admit though, that I agree with some of the fans, that the aliens of the week looked a little Star Trekish to fit in the Stargate world. Their bug heads reminded me of the Hirogen or Hiroshima or whatever a little too much, and their perfect American English did seem out of place as well... Overally, I liked Forsaken, despite the initially boring premise. Although the fact that the Celt guys were lying through their teeth was a little predictable and little too foreseeable, especially after that blond guy killed the alien without mercy, I did like the acting that went into this episode, and I loved Jonas' comments at the end, to not trust a girl that kisses on the first date... I must remember that for my first date... not like I'll ever get one at this snail of an e-mail pace, but that's besides the point...

And surprisingly, considering how vocal Stargate fans usually are, even in comparison with the Buffy forums, I was damn well near shocked this week when I literally could not find any complaints about the so-called alternate universe that Teal'c underwent in "The Changeling". First of all, let me give kudos to Christopher Judge, for writing an episode that nearly matches Buffy's Normal Again in sheer genius, and especially kudos to him for presenting the story in a manner that garnered countless compliments from around the net. Because while the BTVS fans hated Normal Again for seriously suggesting Buffy was a mental patient in reality, the Changeling never once seriously admitted the possibility that the Stargate universe is a shame of a sham... I liked the line when Daniel mentions that maybe both realities may not real, simply because he says it with so much ambiguity that you really don't know what he means. Does he mean Teal'c's dream of being a fireman and his dream of still being in the SGC (while really awaiting rescue) were fake, or did he also mean the entire Stargate universe in itself (even though he said at the end of the episode by Teal'c's bedside, that this was the real reality)? Or was he just referring to life and Matrix reality in general, which is always something crappy to say when you're just trying to sound smart and insightful, but I digress... Either way, although the Changeling wasn't as thought provoking as I'd hoped, it certainly did its job with great characters and great acting. They nearly brought everyone back for this episode, as Bra'tac was great as Bray (especially when he called Chief O'Neil a worthless excuse of a human or whatever), Shau'nac looked like she really did care for Teal'c, Jacob got to show his concern for the Jaffa (more than he did in Allegiance), and Apophis said a pretty good line, how Teal'c is afraid of dying out of fear that he'll meet Apophis in the afterlife (although I thought Aphophis was rather underused in this episode). As for the whole premise of the episode, I especially enjoyed the contrast and comparisons made between giving up a kidney and giving up a symbiot. I absolutely loved how Teal'c had his best episode since The Warrior, or even whatever-that-episode-is-called when he breaks through Apophis' brainwashing. And I couldn't help but laugh at all the "proby" stuff when it came to Jonas, especially the apron and the comment Teal'c made while dying in the SGC (second only to him calling Daniel a woman the season before). I did find it interesting how Teal'c knew what a probation officer was, although that can easily be explained if Daniel modified his dream or something like that... Overall, my only complaints about the Changeling are that Sam and Jack really didn't get to do anything but ride on a firetruck with Amanda Tapping's husband. But still, the Changeling was one of the best episodes I've seen all year, and really set up well future episode possibilities with the whole Tretonin thing, and also with the look on Daniel's face, as if he couldn't stand the fact he couldn't help his friend out, except to say hi...

Finally, the last episode on my list to review is Enterprise's "Stigma", which actually outranks The Changeling in terms of quality episodes I've watched this week (although Angel's "Soulless" was probably the best TV I've watched since Angel's "Spin the Bottle"). Simply put, I've haven't been this gripped by an Enterprise episode since last year's Shuttlepod One, as Jolene Blalock put in a stellar performance, conveying more emotion with her facial expressions alone than Spock or Tuvok or even Data could ever do with words. I loved the fact that she has become human enough to stand up for what she believes in, refusing to tell the truth about the mind-meld rape, even if it could save her career. In fact, I even felt bad at her at the end, when the Vulcan doctor defended her against his wishes, as if her principles actually had meaning to me or some sentimental crap like that... Archer gave a fine performance as well, as his anger and loyalty towards his first officer really showed that a bond of trust was developing between them, as the Star Trek writers have wanted since the Original Series days. It was great how he got over his feelings of being lied to at the start, only to find the courage to defend her at a trial reminiscent of The Next Generation's "Measure of a Man", although this episode never quite lived up to the latter's landmark... As for the other characters, although many on the internet thought the B-plot ruined the seriousness of T'Pol's telepathic disease, I personally thought Tucker facing polygamy contrasted the A-plotline rather well. I laughed at the pun, where Hoshi said Feezal was pulling Trip's leg, and I can really see the chemistry forming between the cowboy and the Sato hottie... I enjoyed the brief seconds that Malcolm was on the screen, as it highlighted the friendship between him and Tucker that has been notably absent since Dead Stop... Mayweather as the injured, token black guy was alright I guess. He was the first to die in the series, and he's now the guy who always shows off his abs, which come to think of it, compliments Tucker and his Die Hard, underwear ways quite nicely, but I digress... If I had any problem with this episode, it was with Phlox. I was hoping that he would be the one to defend T'Pol at trial, as he hasn't had an episode centered around him since the one where Enterprise encounters a pre-warp society dying of a genetic plague, whatever that episode was called... But instead, after having a wonderful scene with the Vulcan doctors on the planet worthy of a Feezal smile, Phlox gets relegated to talking about wives he could've had to his wife in sickbay (although I loved the moments where he smiles at Feezal's hand on Tucker's shoulder, and when he roots Trip to go for the golden haired gold). I had high hopes that Phlox would get to shine yet again, as we have seen that that his actor is capable of so much. But alas, Enterprise was started and is stated as the Archer, T'Pol, and Tucker show, and although I now would like more Malcolm and Phlox episodes, I still think the above three characters are the best combo since the Next Generation first aired.

Overall, I loved Stigma, which is why I felt terrible at the backlash against this episode on the internet... Stigma was meant to be a commentary on AIDS in the world, since back in the 80s, North American society just left AIDs sufferers to die an outcast's death, unless they contracted the disease from rape or a blood transfusion or something. The thing on the internet though, was that critics tore apart Stigma and the Star Trek writers for being two decades too late. They ripped apart the episode for not being made in a period when it could have actually made a difference, before AIDs had won for Tom Hanks yet another academy award. The critics placed upon Stigma a stigma, claiming that it was more of a historical lesson than a noble lecture, but in all honesty, what's wrong with the former? Yes, its message may no longer be up to North American standard time and standards, but it was still a great episode in terms of acting, it was still a great episode in terms of character development, it was still a great episode in terms of computer effects and plotlines, and yet still the internet managed to find faults to exploit... The internet always finds faults to exploit... It's like complaining to them is a drug or something. Or what's more like a drug, are the drugs... the drugs needed to help the Ben afflicted in Africa, for example. Or perhaps the drugs we'll need one day when the next generation of viruses come along... because you never know... Perhaps this episode came two decades too late. Or perhaps it came two decades too early... not like that matters to anyone in the modern world wide web when it matters I suppose, when people deny episodes like Normal Again, the Killer in Me, and Stigma of praise, or even the slightest show of respect...

But now I sound like a bad mockumentary myself, lecturing readers that will never read this no-name website, so I guess I'd better shut up right about here... before my own stigma start bleeding all over my Charlie chapped gums, but I digress...

[c. visitors too bored to return...]
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