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Y2kk Update: You know... this may sound cliche, simply because it is a cliche, but still... Sometimes I wish I were born on a February 29th. Because at least then, I'd have an excuse when my parents tell me to "act my age"... a sort of feud is going on in the family between my brother, my sister, and my parents... with me stuck in the crossfire. It's not like it's anything major or anything, or any different than life was before. But alas, these are the trials and tristes of the golden age of growing up... if "triste" is a proper word, that is... The children are looking for acceptance, while the parents can't accept the fact that the two of them left. And yadda yadda yadda... you know the drill... I just wish I wasn't drilled constantly by both sides to take their side on the battlefield 1942, that's all...

Anyhew, since I have two mid-terms coming this week and I've barely even studied for either of them yet, I might as well get cracking... First up on the list is the Stargate SG-1 episode of the week, Inauguration... Now, obviously a clip show wouldn't make it to be my personal favourite episode of the week, but at least I can say this: the episode was definitely (or at least close to) the best clip show I've ever seen... Politics from Stargate's first season had good acting, but Senator Kinsey was so annoyingly evil and obnoxious that I just couldn't care for the episode. And while I did enjoy last season's Disclosure, I didn't really feel the acting was on par with what it should've been... But while Inauguration was technically a clip show, it definitely didn't feel like one. The acting was superb all around, as the episode kicked off to a great start, with the new President taking a moment on the White House rug that certainly I'd imagine George Dubya Bush rubbing in as well... With strong acting performances from Robert Picardo (who redeemed himself for being the tight ass that he was in Heroes) and the guy who played General Francis-whatever, I actually felt the episode wasn't a budget show - but rather an episode from a different point of view... Senator Kinsey actually was somewhat likable this episode, as he wasn't screaming and kicking to be heard constantly (except for his painful allegations that Sam and Jack have feelings for each other... yeah, right - like that's actually the case...), and I almost felt sorry for him actually. Afterall, it makes sense - it seems he promised the rouge NID control over the Stargate in exchange for his life... General Hammond didn't do much this episode, but he definitely had that same kind of poise and conviction that made him a true star in Heroes. And I loved the return of the disk from fourth season's Chain Reaction - it'll be interesting how the president uses it to keep Kinsey in line... But the real star of the episode was definitely the new president. He was both thoughtful, and a bit nervous on his first days on the job. He did some brilliant comedy work with all the people following him near the start, and he definitely showed some character wisdom when he confirmed that he was voted to lead America, not the Galaxy. And he even brought up some genius points as well - he was right when he conjectured that we can only hope the rouge NID are only in it for the money, and not necessarily for the power... Overall, obviously as a clip show, I can't say Inauguration was one of the greatest stories ever told. But it definitely was a good story in its own right, and will hopefully inaugurate a string of great episodes that will finish off Stargate's seventh (and possibly second last) episode with a really big bang.

And as for Smallville?... well, I could lead into it with some fancy, crappy intro about my small Smallville week in review sort of crap... but since I'm short on time?...

... There. I said it. I didn't like this week's episode at all, the one with the liver transplant suicide bomber - whatever the episode was called... Now technically, the episode did bring up some decent moral issues, both with the idea of taking a life to save a life, and with Clark's dilemma of admitting to the authorities that his blood can save lives... But besides that? What was there really? There were a couple of Clark and Lana scenes about truth, justice, the Russian way, and crap like that - and just like any other episode, Clark lies to the sound of my ass slapping myself in the face... Pete got to show up, Chloe got to pretend like she did some journalist work, and Lana got to reveal some timbits about Adam. But that's about it... Lex had some decent moments threatening the Korean molecular scientist (who has no accent whatsoever, might I add). But besides the look on his face when Clark sped by and stole the vial of his blood, nothing really happened with Lex either... And about the main storyline? Since I seriously doubt Clark's father is going to die (otherwise it'd ruin the Superman continuity timeline), I really couldn't give a damn about his triple bypass thingy... sorry to say... I did find that Garrett's acting when he saw his brother dying for a second time, to be rather decent in the end - but then the whole idea of a kryptonite bomb sort of threw me back on the "this episode sucks" sort of Lana lane... Probably the only thing in this episode that I did like was the coolness factor of Clark using a X-ray lead apron to get rid of the bomb, but even that scene kind of annoyed me, because Clark was still able to get close enough to the kryptonite bomb to grab it, without even getting affected by the kryptonite at all (if that was the case, he should just keep running light circles whenever he's close to kryptonite - he'd never be weakened then)...

But oh well, AOL, at least Smallville will always have Angel backing up its rear, if that sounds good that is... Because although I admit that I didn't love the episode, I will definitely admit that the IvanFian episode of the week goes to Angel this week, for the stunning acting and writing in this week's episode, A Hole in the World... I hate to admit this though, but for a Fred episode, probably the only thing that I really didn't like about this episode... was Fred... And not because I was sad that she was dying, but rather because I was laughing at the overdramatic performance of Amy Acker, actually... At one point, she admits that she still cares about how she looks - although she certainly shouldn't have to care, considering even with all the white death-becomes-her make-up she had on, Acker and her legs were still the best damn looking pair on television today... And I admit, drop dead Fred in a bed did have some decent and not so splotchy moments. I liked her reference to "handsome men" saving her, as a nice bit of nostalgia to her Pylean days. And probably the most powerful moment of the episode was when Wesley was reading to her a story from his Wolfram and Hart book, but still... I've always loved innocent and spunky Fred. Her comments about being "boring" in LA to her parents at the start of the episode, were brilliantly contrasted with the blazing inferno a second later... But I seriously hate serious Fred - the kind of girl who would try to look evil by killing her professor, but just couldn't look anything else to me than a damsel of a beauty... And here it happened again. I was laughing out loud at her little comments like "why can't I stay?" and her tearful forgetfulness of whatever her Anya-master-of-chaos bunny thingy was called (although I love the Buffy parallelism and irony there...). And to be honest, I actually was kind of happy when she turned into Illyria, or however you spell that goddess' name. Sure the blue hair and white pupils made her look too much like Darth Willow, and the cliche leather suit she wore in the promo just can't match her normal skirt attire, but still... Now she gets to be sexy Fred! I couldn't ask for more on television!...

As for the rest of the cast... Wesley was both charming and a bit stalkerish when he wouldn't leave Fred's side no matter what. I personally don't sense much chemistry between the two when they kiss, and his "turning on" comment during the fire intro stuff just felt forced somehow (even though she was turning me on)... But like I mentioned, reading to her from his book was definitely the highlight of the episode. And I liked some of his lines, like the mention that Fred was smarter than the rest of the gang combined. And Wesley definitely did have his brilliant darkness back - I loved the moment when he shot that employee, just for the hell of it... and I sort of saw something in Angel's eyes when he first realized that Wesley and Fred were together. I don't think it was jealousy, but there was definitely something there - it was probably meant to be sorrow, but still... I'll take it as jealousy then... I loved Angel's take-chargeness in the group circle this episode (and his comic relief - his fear of heights is quite psychoanalytically fascinating...). A lot of his lines were strong and full of conviction, like how he somehow both informed and threatened Spike at the same time, that Drogyn can't tell a lie (though Drogyn himself was a cliche English bore). And I couldn't help but feel sorry for the guy when he mentioned he couldn't lose Fred, because he had already lost Cordy. I mean, the only one he has left in his life now is... well... Spike... and Spike, I might add, was both brilliantly funny yet subdued in this episode. At first, I didn't like the silly caveman and astronaut argument, until the rest of the gang started talking about it in the halls (although I don't really agree with Fred's parallel - the ancient being Illyria does not represent a caveman, since a caveman isn't an unstoppable, immortal disease with super strength and invincibility to the cold; in reality, the astronaut (Fred) would always kick a caveman's butt, or simply make babies with him, but that's a story for another day...)... But Spike's little moments, like dreaming of being a 007 without the tux, or telling Angel just how bad Les Miserables really is, were definitely some of the highlights of the episode. But alas, I unfortunately didn't really enjoy Angel's and Spike's fight scenes or their staring down the Old Well, actually... It felt a bit too much of a Orcish LOTR moment when Angel and Spike took out all the demonic guards, and about that speech looking down the hole in the world? I know it was supposed to be a metaphor for a hole in their hearts or some crap like that, but about that Illyria-returning-to-the-well thingy... If there's really another well in New Zealand, can't Angel just do the spell there, since Illyria really won't have anyone to claw or kill on her way from LA over the Pacific (except for maybe an island of nobodies, that is...)? Or why didn't they think of bringing Fred over to the Old Well in the first place?... but I digress...

Now, A Hole in the World left me with quite a bit of a hole in the heart, since it just couldn't make me feel sad or depressed or anything, like Damage and the You're Welcome did to me this season. But if there's any real reason why this episode is my favourite episode of the week, it's because it truly felt like a team episode. Gunn got beat up by himself in what was quite a turn of events... I didn't like how stupid Knox was in blatantly admitting his evilness, but I loved Gunn's reaction to realizing his guilt in slowly killing Fred... I loved his reaction when this season, he realized he was the weak link, not Wesley (like he blamed him for the past two seasons)... And even Lorne got to get in the act. Him and Eve have always made a nice pairing chemistry wise, and punching her out and threatening her life was actually the best Lorne moment since Life of the Party... and even Eve looked good this episode! I guess I have a weakness for splotchy girls or something, because she and Fred somehow turned me on... they left a hole in my pants, so to speak... but I don't think any of you want me to go there...

But still, although Angel deserves the best episode of the week props from me, in truth, Enterprise was the episode that entertained me the most this week. Hatchery wasn't the greatest of episodes, but it got the job done for me... I just wish that it wasn't so obvious right from the start, that Archer was acting under some sort of alien maternal influence. If only he didn't seem so druggie obsessive, maybe I could've taken his arguments a little more seriously? Because the episode was definitely trying to paint the picture that it was the right thing to save the hatchlings - Archer's speech about what the crew would do if baby Xindi primates had been found, was actually quite appropriate... And for once, we actually got a reference to the long forgotten Eugenics War! Which ended in the 1990s, if I do recall my modern history... Probably the best scene in the episode was Archer in the hatchery, with all those little bugs crawling around him. He definitely did look deranged, covered in all that goo and stuff, and that definitely did make the scene all the more enjoyable... I just wish the episode was more controversial, that's all. But at least, it was better than any Maquis mutiny episode on Voyager. Not that that's saying much, of course... But still. I give full credit to Tucker, like always. Trinnear put on a hell of a show, looking so concerned for the captain, admitting his feelings of guilt to Archer afterwards. He did what he had to do though - I loved the internal conflict he had in his heart between his loyalty to his friend, and his quest for vengeance for his sister... T'Pol got to get all emotional again this episode. She didn't get much air time, but a) she looked cute in a nerve pinching hat, and b) she kind of gave a cold shoulder to Tucker in her talks. I also found it interesting how quickly she was willing to turn on the captain. While Trip struggled with the decision, T'Pol seemed to go gungho on Archer's ass right off the bat... And Reed got some decent moments as well. Although none of his scenes rivaled the talk he had with Tucker a couple episodes ago, I must admit that there was some nice closure to his rivalry with Hayes this episode. Malcolm admitted he overreacted to the simulation analysis, and Hayes admitted that Westpoint didn't prepare him for alien neurotoxins. Their forced reconciliation and mutual respect was much more realistic and much better done than any reconciliation ever on Voyager or even Deep Space 9 - Reed and Hayes still hate each other, but they're now willing to live with their mutual hate...

And hell, Hatchery even gave moments to the rest of the crew. Although it was dumb for Phlox to be intimidated by the MACOs when demanding to relieve the captain, he definitely did bring his ever jubilant joy to the room when he realized what was making the captain act the way he was... Hoshi got some off air action, translating the controls for the Insectoid shuttle. Too bad the actress didn't get to do anything... And Mayweather got no lines, but he finally got to fight! The brotha' is in the house!... overall, Hatchery was a hollow episode. Except for maybe Tucker, Reed, and Hayes, it feels like nothing really developed or happened in this episode. Tucker did learn that even friendship is secondary to the mission, at least in his own heart, and Reed and Hayes got to point guns at each other... And while Hatchery was indeed an enjoyable episode, if only because of the eerie atmosphere of the Insectoid Hatchery, I can't say it was anything but a decent filler episode... It did bring up a lot of good issues that I wish the episode made me care more about. The humans of the Enterprise age were actually willing to leave the Xindi children behind for dead, which is why I wish Archer actually meant the speeches that he gave to Tucker... And it was interesting to note how little say the crew had against the captain, thanks to the MACOs taking away any sort of democracy on the ship. But still, these few controversies aside, the episode just felt empty... fun, but empty...

... like a hole in the world... I'd like to see what happens if you drop a penny down there, but I digress...

I still remember how damn excited I was... I still remember just how damn overjoyed I was, brimming with delight at the very day that I bought Nintendo's The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask for the Nintendo 64. I already knew in my heart and my 20 heart containers, that the only two contenders for my favourite game ever were Zelda: A Link to the Past and Zelda: Ocarina of Time... And I was sure then and there, as I was unwrapping that special gold edition cart of mine, that Majora's Mask would at least be the very next on that treasured and sacred list of mine... And for a while, I believed my own hype. I loved Majora's Mask for the entire extent that I played it. The atmosphere, the animation, the Groundhog day scenario, and the incredible gameplay mechanics were all so polished and so damn innovative that I was already considering Majora's Mask to be a contendor to oust even Ocarina of Time from the throne... But then, something happened that I never expected... something happened that I still don't really understand...

I was in Ikana at the time, and had just gotten that stupid Gibdo mummy mask from the scientist in the basement, when all of a sudden... I just stopped playing... Now, the official reason for this eerie phenomenon of mine, was that I got sidetracked by massive amounts of homework, and forgot about this game amongst my massive backlog of other N64 titles. But the truth of the matter is, that wasn't the only reason... Afterall, I seem to have a history of hating Zelda sidestories. I mean, I hated Zelda II back in the day. I thought it was just a cheap knock-off of Mario Bros. 2 USA for some odd reason, before I knew the meaning of the word Zelda... And as much as I loved A Link to the Past, I just couldn't care less about Zelda: Link's Awakening. Either the Gameboy colours or lack thereof got the best of me, or I simply didn't find much merit in its melodramatic, artsy, dreamy premise, I don't know... And I knew, I just knew that the same damn Zelda sidestory affliction was affecting my love for my precious Majora's Mask... I mean, it was true that homework at the time was one of the reasons why I gave up on the game, but the other reasons were exactly the same damn reasons why I got bored of Link's Awakening as well... The games may have been interesting, but Majora's Mask simply wasn't damn epic enough for me. And not only that, but the gameplay felt derivative at times, since it was essentially using the same game engine as the N64 Zelda before it... I still remember enjoying all the dungeons in the game the first time around, but I also remember feeling a sense of deprivation since the Groundhog Day scenario robbed me of permanent peace returning to the lands I saved... I still remember falling in love with the Anju and Kafei love subquest, but I also remember that I got tired of always doing the same damn, tedious things according to the clock, every time I tried to figure out how to proceed in the quest (it took me far too long to find Sakon's hideout)... In essence, the greatest assets of Majora's Mask were also its greatest weaknesses to me... On record, I still loved the N64 version of the game to death, but I don't know... call me a wimp or something, but I just couldn't take going back to Ikana at the dawn of each day, only to see the ReDeads that I hacked and slashed and brutally remurdered back in action and half life alive, all over again... every single damn day... Majora's Mask truly etched itself into my own record books, as officially my favourite game that I never, ever finished...

I was a bit pissed off at the time, when Nintendo didn't include Majora's Mask in their Zelda: Wind Waker pre-order deal. But lucky for me, Club Nintendo is a hell of a lot better than Club Zellers over here in Canada ever was, and the big N actually sent me the Zelda: Compilation Disk for just buying two of their registered games before I even knew of their promotion... But even with an upgraded version of Majora's Mask in my hands, I still couldn't find the urge to play through this old mare of a game again. The same old fears and the same old prejudices were all still up creeping inside of me, seizing my spine... I loved Zelda: Wind Waker, even more than Ocarina of Time it seemed. And yet I was still afraid of touching Majora's Mask after all these years?... The thing is, over the past couple years, I've sort of fortified myself against the notion of ever picking up this game again. I've conditioned myself into believing that Majora's Mask was only for the hardcore gamer, and judging from so many damn forum entries, I think that my guessing was right... Even after beating Majora's Mask on the Gamecube this past Reading Week, I still can't understand why the hell so many so-called hardcore gamers out there, put this game higher up on their lists than even bloody hell Ocarina of Time... Maybe they simply want to feel different? Or maybe they only like games with some sort of challenge? I don't know... all I know, is that Majora's Mask will forever go down as the "elitist's" Zelda, and the only Zelda game that I loved yet never finished... it was a paradox, in more ways than just time travel...

And like I mentioned, although I can't put Majora's Mask on the same pedestal as Ocarina of Time or The Wind Waker, the fact of the matter is... What the hell was wrong with me back whenever the hell this game was first released? No, Majora's Mask isn't the epic adventure I was demanding. No, it wasn't the end all, be all of gaming as I expected after Ocarina of Time. But it sure as hell was one heck of a game... I mean, how the hell could I not love a game where the classic Zelda overworld theme is back in action? Sure, I can complain that the overworld is just a big, fat, obnoxious and toxic, fiance of a diamond... but should I really care, when riding around on young Epona feels more lively and more dynamic in Termina's Fields than it ever did in Hyrule?... Majora's Mask was a hell of a lot more fun to me the second time around, and some of the reasons why all stem from the many improvements found in the Gamecube emulated port... Now, first of all, I have to complain about one thing: why the hell is there so much slowdown in the Gamecube version? I realize that emulation is never perfect, but honestly, Clocktown runs slower than a frickin' Xbox game at times!... I guess I can't really complain about a game that was free, but I just don't understand why some parts of the game that were friggin' slow before, are now perfectly fine in terms of frame-rate... yet Clocktown of all bloody hell places runs worse than it would on a goddam Gameboy Advance or some crap like that!...

But frame-rate issues aside, I am definitely surprised at how damn well this game has held up to this day. While Ocarina of Time on the Wind Waker pre-order disc looked awful in research in motion (from both poor resolution and character animation), Majora's Mask is almost Dreamcast-quality in terms of artistic merit. The characters all animate as fluidly as a current generation game, and thanks to the underrated N64 Ram Pack (an upgrade I hope Nintendo brings to the Gamecube as well), all the graphics were smoothed out in this game to the point that it looks absolutely stunning in the Gamecube's resolution. The colour schemes are also so much better than I remembered from back on the N64, and even the loading times aren't bad in this game (for such a large cartridge, each area loads faster than Ocarina did on its disc)... Of course, I have to take some presentation points away from the garbled sound at times. On the N64, the overdramatic "Dawn of the First Day" thumping was absolutely perfect for setting the atmosphere of the game, but the same sound now seems to crackle too damn much on the Gamecube port to still be just as effective... And the music is normally perfect, but loading from the Gamecube disc sometimes even ruins the classic Zelda overworld theme, although it definitely was a rarity... I also have to claim some marks for the fact that this game bloody hell froze on me goddam twice. Now, technically two freezes over an entire game would be something like a miracle for an Xbox game these days, but not for a Nintendo Gamecube one... and definitely not for a game where you can't frickin' save until you finally get done whatever you were trying to do. Both times the game froze, it froze on me on the third and final day. And yes, that sure as hell was annoying, even though it only took a half hour each to get back my lost progress, but I digress...

But technical issues aside... What I'm most impressed with, is that the gameplay of Majora's Mask has aged like a fine wine. Running around as Link in bunny ears and doing back-flips as a Zora still feel just as amazing now as they did a couple years before. I mean, Nintendo truly outdid themselves in the sheer polish and incredible creativity put into this game... While I was never a fan of rolling as a Goron, even I'll admit that the race against the second boss in this game was truly an experience to behold. Although I never grew fond of the boomerangs of the Zora, I'd dare not ever challenge the fact that thrashing around Great Bay as Mikau is one of the greatest gameplay feelings ever to grace a console... And although I was a bit disappointed that there were only four dungeons in this game, I'll gladly admit that each one is thought out with the kind of grace and poise and intricate planning that even puts the best of Wind Waker to shame. The Stone Temple was even better at conveying a sense of puzzling weirdness and fogginess than even the Forest Temple in Ocarina of Time, the Deku Temple had some of the best damn puzzles I've ever had to ponder my way through, and to top it all off, most of the sub-temples in this game had incredible plot developments and bosses of their own. The battle against the ghosts in Ikana still ranks as one of the best damn battles I've played in a game to date... And most of it is thanks to the incredible port of controls over to the Gamecube controller. While Ocarina of Time felt loose, Majora's Mask feels absolutely perfect with the GC analog and C sticks. I never step in the wrong direction with Link, I rarely play a wrong note with the Ocarina, and the Z targeting was absolutely perfected in this game compared to Ocarina of Time... Possibly my only complaint about this game's design, was that there wasn't enough nostalgia involved. And yet despite my complaints, there was still more than enough old Zelda references to satisfy my needs, like the incredible Link to the Past homage in the melodies of the castle of Ikana, and all the character designs returning from Ocarina of Time... and while I still complain that there weren't enough original characters in this game (although some designs, like the Goron Elder and the Zora band, were simply stunning), and although it still bugs me that there are so many damn bugs in this game... I mean, if only the game never froze on me once, I probably could've just sat back and enjoyed Majora's Mask for truly what it is and was: not a movie masterpiece like I was hoping for, but a magical work of motion art with no rival - a true mystery to be unraveled...

... but that's it, isn't it? The reason why I quit on this game in the first place... Not the freezing problems, not the artsy smansy, overpretentious problems... but the three day problem... the Three... I mean, the entire, innovative premise of the game was probably the very reason why I shut it off in the first place... spoilers for those who care (not that I haven't spoiled you guys anyhew)... Because the first time playing through the game, I never felt like I had enough time to do anything, even with the inverted Song of Time... I mean, I technically never ran out of days before the moon crashed into Clocktown, but I always felt compelled and driven to use the Song of Time before even the third dawn ever rose in the skies. And I don't know why, but that feeling alone - the feeling of being rushed, the feeling of being helpless - got the best of me... But thankfully, times change, even if we can't change the past. And the second time around?... I guess being used to the three day scheme from reruns of Groundhog Day ended up being bliss for me. Because instead of feeling like a burden on my shoulders, the game now felt like a challenge. A welcome challenge. A friendly challenge... The game actually felt intimate, in ways that even Ocarina of Time couldn't even approach (although I believe Wind Waker did)... The Bombers Notebook I ignored the first time playing through the game, but not this time around... Back on the N64, I only cared about the main plotline, which I still admit, isn't very deep or involving. But the true strength and conviction of Majora's Mask doesn't lie in the villages you save or the villains you slay. It lies in the NPCs you watch day in and day out, most of which are the most developed background characters I've ever seen in a game... Saving the Bomb Bag lady at night is always something I do if I'm waiting around at midnight, simply because I somehow, for some odd reason, actually appreciate her gratitude... Graditude - pass it on... And saving the Romani Ranch from aliens used to feel like a chore, but perhaps because of the Gamecube controller, I now freely go to the farm to slay those ghost wannabes, just so that I don't have to see Cremia's mourning face the morning after... The Gorman Circus Leader subplot always gets to me too. Although it takes a bit too much effort to play the Ballad of the Wind Fish for him, I myself almost feel a goddam tear in my eye whenever I see his face soothe to the sound of music... And the Anju and Kafei marriage subquest is probably the most comprehensive and involving sidequest in the history of Zelda, if not video games period. I mean, sure once you know what to do, it doesn't take very long to accomplish... But learning about every single nick and cranny about their relationship was truly the eye of beauty of the game, just as it was in the movie Groundhog Day. I literally followed these characters around like a stalker, talked to them whenever I could, because there was always something happening to them and the characters they knew each and every day (and it's a hell of a lot of fun to steal that room reservation away from that Goron guy, but that's besides the point...). I can't really explain why I care about their lovefest so damn much... all I know, is that this game actually made me care about characters who weren't even central to the story for once. And although Wind Waker arguably did this to me too, the fact of the matter is... even the first time I played Majora's Mask, I still felt this connection. This game truly is the most intimate game I've ever played. And that's saying something.

But ironically, probably one of the reasons why I also quit on this game the first time around, was that I was forced to care about the NPC characters, even if I didn't want to, since there's so few main characters to give an actual damn about... I mean, there's Tael. And the first time I played the game, I didn't care about her, just like I never gave a damn about Navi in Ocarina of Time... but playing through Ocarina again, I actually felt morbidly alone and depressed when Navi left Link's side at the end of the game. And as soon as I fired up Majora's Mask on the Gamecube, seeing Link moping in the forests, searching for his fairy friend? Hell, I already felt closer to this game than I ever did when I first bought it... And it still gets me to this day whenever I face off against the Majora Imp on the Eve of the Carnival - seeing Tael and her brother talking about friendship, defending whether the Imp was justified or not... I mean, it's finally clicking in the hollows and bowels and shallows of my mind - the theme of this game is definitely friendship, and goddammit, that's what I was missing the first time through the game... simply because I wasn't looking... simply because I wasn't caring... Back then, I wanted progress. I wanted rewards. Although I loved how I could fight against bosses over and over again in this game, I absolutely hated how the Mountain Village returned to winter whenever I saved the game, or that the Zelda overworld music would no longer play in Great Bay if I let that stupid, horribly hard, Big Fish boss come back to life... But what I never really got a chance to see - what I never really cared to see - was exactly how damn lonely all the characters in this game were until Link filled their lives with happiness... As annoying as it was at first, I now feel something when I reunite the Goron Elder with his son. I now feel something when Lulu finally starts talking to Mikau again, even after she lost her eggs and voice. I now actually feel something when the poor girl in Ikana is trying to apologize for her father... I mean, I now feel something, when I rise up to Majora's Moon, and I see the poor Majora's Mask kid just sitting there alone as the other masked kids just circle and dance and ignore him... Now, I can definitely complain about just how damn lame the final boss in this game is (he wasn't easy, and he wasn't hard... he was just damn annoying to hit), but I honestly can't complain about everything that happened before and after I fought the damn mask... I actually felt something when the Giants rose like mist from the fields of Termina. I actually felt something when Tael was screaming for Link to use the Song of Time... I actually felt something when the Imp seemed to remember almost nothing from his mask of an ordeal, except the fact that he was taught Saria's song by Link way back in Ocarina of Time... that's nostalgia for you... And goddammit, as much as I loved Ocarina of Time's ending, Majora's Mask's is just as good, if not better. Seeing the results and happiness of all the people I had helped (even if it defies the idea of the three day cycle wiping out all the good you've done), didn't just make me feel something... it actually made me feel happy, and gave me incentive enough to go back to the game and get every single damn mask in the Bomber's Notebook... Seeing Anju and Kafei get married, or the Gorman Leader listen to Lulu on stage, are some of the greatest moments I have ever witnessed in a game, period... and after seeing this ending, I sadly and ironically realize why I gave up on this game in the first place... As the ending without the masks show, there isn't much to show about this game if you don't give a damn about it. There isn't much to see, if you don't invest yourself in it - if you don't do the looking yourself... But once you do start searching, and once you do become invested... Once you do start caring. And once you do start creating the plotlines and experience that only Termina can provide, then truly no other game on earth came touch how intimate and personal this game truly is... well, except for Zelda that is... end spoilers, I guess....

Unlike Ocarina of Time or Wind Waker, I can't justify Majora's Mask as being a perfect game. I mean, there are a ton of reasons why I put down this game in the first place... choppy frame-rates, lack of innovation in controls (not that that's really a complaint, since Ocarina of Time controls were perfect), occasional game freezes, and perhaps worst of all, overworld areas (like Ikana and Mountain Village) that really lack any sort of imagination or sense of breath-taking majesty... But really, there is no greater feeling than swimming and skimming like a dolphin as a Zora in Great Bay, or skipping like a stone over water as a Deku Shrub by the Lost Woods. The experience in this game comes not from the sights nor from the sounds, but goddammit, from the actual gameplay for once... From the actual gameplay for once! No wonder I never appreciated it the first time through... There simply is so much creativity and so much innovation in this game that it's simply not funny - from the sheer use of all the masks in the game, to simply the music in Clocktown on the third day as the full moon rises high above the dusks of the husks of the morning sky... Majora's Mask may not have been the epic adventure that I (along with so many out there) were goddam hoping and salivating to have in the goddam palms of our hands. But it's beauty and majesty truly shine and sparkle in so many other ways, that it shames me to think that I didn't see it sooner... I must've been goddam blind.

I still don't agree with the opinions of the so-called hardcore gamers though... Some of them try to justify Majora's Mask's greatness and mystique, as being a "dark, mature" Zelda or some crap like that... other elitists simply state that the challenge in this game was the sheer reason why it stands alone as the best... And to some extent, they are right. In terms of darkness, it still sends a shiver of a sliver down my spine, whenever I realize the meaning and significance of that sad looking shrub at the start of the game... it's the little things in life you treasure, and it's the littlest touches in games that you remember... but I don't love Majora's Mask because it's "dark", "disturbed", or even "different", actually... not exactly, at least... because, well?... I guess as a loner of a goddam gaming nerd, it's kind of ironic... and kind of expected actually... that I completely missed the entire Wind Waker boat on the entire goddam point of this game the first time I gave it a go...

I can't believe I didn't see it... I can't believe I didn't sense it... I can't believe I didn't care...

... and I don't know why, but... as sappy as this sounds to say... as pathetic as this might sound to hear... to be honest, Majora's Mask is the first game in a very long while, that actually feels like... I don't know...

Y2kk Update: I don't know why, but lately, I just haven't cared about television very much. Maybe it's because I have a ton of mid-terms to study for, and I've barely studied for any of them. Eventually, the lingering guilt of being a lazy ass does get to you... Or maybe I'm simply a bit disgruntled from the fact that the WB chose Charmed over Angel to survive over to the next season. I mean, there's a chance that Joss Whedon's upcoming pitch of a plea will convince UPN to take up the show like they did with Buffy, but still... I don't know. I just don't seem to be looking forward to the next year of television anymore, just like I don't seem to be looking very forward to the episodes remaining in February sweeps.

But it's probably the guilt trip thing affecting me or something... because truth be told, yesterday's Angel episode, Smile Time, was sort of one of the best Angel episodes of the year. And I laughed from it, and maybe I even cried. But I don't know... I was entertained from the show, but at the end, I just felt empty. Somehow at the end, all I felt was melancholy, which really shouldn't happen after watching an episode full of evil puppets that make you smile, whether you like it or not... Now, I'll admit that when I saw the promo for Smile Time last week, the episode looked pretty damn bad. I was fortunately proven wrong last night, when this episode was a hell of a lot better than Whedon's Sid the Dummy one back in Buffy's first season... I absolutely loved every single scene with puppet Angel! His ever dipping eyebrows and his increasingly clenching felt fist while the brilliant "self-esteem" song was playing in the Smile Time background, had me literally rolling around in my chair in laughter. And I loved his moment of honesty when he showed off his condition to Nina. I mean, there was just some kind of chemistry between the two there, like a bizarro weird form of sesame street, except with an extremely hot and hard nippled woman and a vampire puppet who could tear off his own nose. And the mere sight of puppet Angel trying to get away from "bad Nina" was absolutely one of the most cinematic moments of the year... The puppets themselves were extremely well done in both detail and movement. Having a vamped faced puppet was simply ingenious, and I still chuckle every time I see the injured Angel puppet wielding a massive sword over his head. The final fight scene with all the puppets wasn't as funny as I hoped it would be though, but I still couldn't stop laughing when Fred started shooting off the eyes of the big blue puppet that could only make squeaking sounds... The irony and humour in this episode was some of Angel's best ever, even if the star character wasn't technically in the scenes. The only real thing that I can complain about, was that Spike got barely any role in this episode at all. And even he at least started off one of the best scenes in the episode, as the sight of the super serious puppet Angel, yelling at everyone to get back to work with Spike bloodied in the background, was definitely a candid camera moment that every Angel fan will remember for years. I mean, just the idea of the ever brooding Angel become a extra brooding puppet, who leaps out of his seat at the mere mention of Smile Time, was an idea that truly convinced me that whoever writes for Angel, is a pure (and insane) genius...

And as great as the humour was, I even liked the character developments and twists of the story even more. Gunn went back to the evil doctor and made a deal to stay who he was. Now, I don't know whether this deal will come back to haunt him soon, but I do know that it shows Gunn has lost a lot of integrity over the past few months. Although you gotta admit, seeing Gunn axe away at puppets was pretty damn smart... Lorne finally got some meaningful air time, although probably his only great scene this episode was when he was carrying around poor half eaten Angel in his arms... Wes didn't do much except seem clueless most of the time. Whenever Fred would try to say something to him, he'd just brush her off and get back to work, as if he was using his job to try to forget about her. But I did feel sorry for the poor guy when Knox didn't bring him his Starbucks coffee. Something about being the odd one out just struck a cord in me, both with Wes and with poor dejected Knox... And Fred? First of all, she looked damn cute as she was playing with puppet Angel's hair. I mean, while Nina is damn hot, Fred is simply damn adorable, and I couldn't help but feel bad for Knox when they were having the talk of Fred giving her the talk before... But honestly, what truly made this episode for me was the final scene with the kiss. Now, I personally think that Fred is more suited for Angel, but that doesn't mean my heart didn't still flutter like some completely whipped guy's when I saw how passionately Fred was kissing Wesley. And the song of "self-esteem is for everybody" playing in the background wasn't just priceless comedy - it was actually, strangely appropriate and provocative as well... I never thought a show about evil puppets would be anything but cliche, but Angel proved me wrong. Even the basic premise of the story was engrossing, as the sight of the evil puppets all talking about selling children's souls to Hell was actually kind of telling about the children's television industry... And yet somehow, I still felt empty after this episode was done. I'd love to say it wasn't the episode's fault - it was mine... but I don't know. Maybe after the brilliance of the episode, Damage, everything just seems to pale in comparison now?...

Actually... if Damage really did cause that kind of damage to my perception, then that'll really explain something that's really been bugging me since last nice... because you see, I hate to admit it, but I actually enjoyed Smallville last night. The episode, Obsession, was really nothing special, but still... it's just that...

"Damn, that girl's got some fine panties!... Goddammit, this episode made me want my obsession back in my life. I'm now obsessing so damn much about my obsession, obsessing about me like panting-panties Aisha would... if only I was as good looking as Clark that is... but I guess, that's besides the fatal attraction point..."

I don't know. The little things in this episode seemed to click for me. I loved the scene of Clark and Aisha getting it on in his bedroom, probably because I couldn't see her face behind her fine hips and ass (her face was... umm... not exactly the greatest to stare at...). And even the Clark and Lana scenes clicked for me for once, as I guess I really like the look of jealousy on a girl's face, although I still did slap myself silly when Clark was stupid enough not to admit how he still felt about Lana... Pete got only a single scene, but somehow he reminded me of my own high schools friends, rooting me on when absolutely nothing was happening. And Chloe? Well, she and Lex were around. I liked Lex's comment about "being there" and done that, but basically, the two characters were shifted into the background... But still, nobody should get the impression here that I actually liked Obsession. It was a good episode though, on par with this season's Perry White one. Some parts of the episode made me groan, like the idea of Adam being a pawn to get at Clark's secret. But others made my groin more than groan, as just something about Aisha constantly kissing Clark and putting pictures all over his place, made me just sigh and wish that I'll have a girlfriend as nice as her one day... and yes, I know. I'm sick. But that was sooo last week...

Moving onto Stargate... The thing is, I was expecting quite a lot from Resurrection this week, considering it was a Michael Shanks written episode. The thing is, the writing process sure is a funny one, because if memory serves me right, his initial story had to do more with his grandfather and the fountain of life device in Evolution, then it ever did with an NID cloning experiment? I mean, how does a story that sounds like it gives the viewer exactly what they want to see (character returns and neato mythology) that has nothing to do with the NID, suddenly turn into a story completely about the NID?... I don't know. All I know, is that the script for the story was adequate, but nowhere close to whatever I was hoping for. And the directing? Well, I realize that Amanda Tapping did a good job in handling all the characters. But unlike cast director jobs in Star Trek, the feel for Resurrection was exactly the same as any other episode - the new director behind the helm didn't seem to shake anything up. But I will still give credit where credit is due... Resurrection was a decent episode with some decent moments. Probably the best was the look on Sam's face when Agent Barrett asked her out. Probably the second best moment was when Teal'c was being offered a high five from defusing the bomb... But besides that? I don't know. This episode reminded me of Menace in the sense that, while I don't like this episode now, I might like it in the future. I didn't like season five's Menace the first two times I watched it, because while Daniel is definitely in his element when he's trying to help a seemingly innocent girl, it's not particularly something I want to see on screen. It just feels predictable and one dimensional in that sense... And the problem with Resurrection is, while Menace had at least Jack in it to press the other side of the story, Resurrection was left lopsided with just Daniel in the mix. But still, given what he was written, Danny did a hell of a job. He may not have had any chemistry with Anna, but I did love all the references to the Harseisis child and his own forgotten memories. He may not have connected with the girl, but he did relate to her... Carter got to just say a lot of lines and wear some cool civies clothes. I probably would've found more meaning in her character this week if Dr. Keffler wasn't such a cliche, Dr. Evil kind of guy. He made me roll my eyes at just how dumbass he was acting, the likes of which you don't expect outside of a James Bond satire. And Teal'c? Well, he got to wear a hat. But besides that, he was there as much as Jack was, pretty much... Now, I was sort of wondering how the end of the episode would work, wondering whether the Sekmet part of Anna would come out or not. But the ending left me unsatisfied, as Anna seemed to kill herself far too quickly for a proper resolution, and Sekmet really never showed up (well, sort of...). Plus, it really annoyed me how an unarmed girl with no Goa'uld strength could overpower Daniel and two red shirt, NID guards, but I digress... I wanted to like this episode. But it's hard to like NID episodes when the episode was never meant to be about the NID...

And as for Enterprise... while Smile Time on Angel was one of the most brilliant episodes I've ever watched, it just couldn't satisfy me the way that Enterprise's Doctor's Orders seemed to do... Now, no-name readers must know by now, that no matter how many times it's been done on Trek alone, I just love episodes where the crew goes delusional from a nebula or some crappy anomaly thingy. And yet still, I wasn't expecting much at first from Doctor's Orders, since John Billingsley seemed to state in a recent interview that it wasn't exactly challenging work for him... But I have to disagree with him to some extent. Maybe he just is such a damn good actor that the episode was somehow easy to accomplish for him, but honestly, it was to me the best damn Phlox episode since his first season episode with the two stupid races and the disease (I seem to be forgetting episode names now... I must be getting old...). Technically, no other characters but Phlox got to develop this episode, but Doctor's Orders definitely got to show more than just the side of Phlox that we see day in and day out in sickbay. Every character he saw in his visions was an extension of himself, which leads to great psychoanalysis questions from all Freudian-wannabes like me. I think we all noticed the difference in personality that was displayed in his imagined T'Pol and his human crewmates of Tucker and Archer. He seems to confide in T'Pol, even talking about Tucker as if he knew the two would eventually get together (his pimping habits never change, now do they?... even when nobody's there...). Yet when he sees Tucker, he sees an aggressor. Almost like a rival, actually... And when he sees Archer? It's like he sees a parent, or just a cruel boss, someone that looks down at him from on high. And it's interesting to compare his view of Archer (how he thought the captain was going to chastise him before he put him to sleep) to his budding relationship with Porthos. Just a season ago, Phlox was complaining that he couldn't understand his captain's attachment to a canine. But in this episode, he wouldn't even watch a movie without the dog by his corner, in case the Exorcist (loved that reference) came back to haunt him... But getting back to T'Pol, I absolutely loved how Roxann Dawson handled her imaginary character. I mean, I knew right off the bat when she first showed up, that she probably wasn't real (Phlox did tell Archer that the rest of the crew were all asleep). But even with all the clues along the way (the fact that she didn't flinch at the mention of Tucker, the embarrassment of not being able to read long range sensors herself, etc...), I still wasn't fully convinced it wasn't her until the final scene with the warp reactor. I mean, was it me, or did she look damn cute when she was pointing at the warp core, as if she didn't even know how to press a few buttons?... maybe Phlox sees something in her for himself, considering she's the only one he seems to pimp around to every guy and girl on the ship...

But there's one reason and one reason only why Doctor's Orders beat out Smile Time for best episode of the week for me... Because for the first time since TNG's Night Terrors, I actually got freaked out when watching a Star Trek episode. The Hitchcockian-like shadow crawling on the outside of the ship actually shocked me, to say the least. It was unfortunate that the suspense had to be ruined by the awful sight of a CG Xindi insectoid on the ship, but up to that point, I was genuinely left in suspense. And as embarrassing as this is, seeing Hoshi's face in the psycho shower actually scared me a bit too. It was weird for Phlox to imagine Hoshi of all people as a monster - I'm trying to see how to fit that into his psychoanalysis profile, but I'll chalk that one up to just being panic stricken at the time... The thing is, all the little references in the episode somehow made it one of the best of the season to me. The letters to Dr. Lukas, giving us an update on his return to earth, the references to Denubola being filled with tons of people in constrast to the empty ship, and the talk of Denubolans having hallucinations to release stress actually made the entire one (or two) man story into something more interesting than most soliloquies ever do turn out to be. And you could easily tell I was really into the episode at the time, when even though T'Pol pulling a Beautiful Mind on us was obvious, I was still excited (and relieved... and sort of shocked somehow) to see her lying in bed after Phlox had walked her to her room. I mean, Tucker ignoring her in the background should've been a dead giveaway, but I guess something about this episode managed to keep me in disbelief (and stupidity) all the way. And that's all that I ask from an episode really, and in that sense, I feel that John Billingsley should really take a look back at this show and see that although it may not be his finest work... it's still probably some of the finest acting I've seen on Trek yet... I loved the banter between Phlox and fake T'Pol from the fishbowl perspective as T'Pol strangely didn't know anything about primitive earth warp reactors (I loved the reading the manual reference... as a guy, I can't stand manuals...). I loved the idea of Phlox shooting at Porthos, if only because I was still left a bit shaken up, not stirred, from the shadow crawling on the outside. And I loved the conclusion to the story - Phlox telling Dr. Lukas that he won't delete his letter because his delusional fiction might prove to be entertaining, was exactly in character with Phlox's old self and a nice bit of comic relief to an extremely suspenseful episode. Sure, anyone with logic could've guessed what was happening and what was real - but luckily for me, the fact that the Vulcan perpetrating the logic wasn't real left me doubting my senses, and leaving me in enough disbelief to make this episode the only show this week that left me content by the final credits... It seems that John Billingsley did the impossible. He made me care about television again for the first time in two or three weeks. It just sucks though that he willingly, Billingsley won't take the credit for it...

Y2kk Update: Well... this sure as hell is one belated Y2kk no-name week in review... Of course, I have excuses and the usual alibis, besides the fact that my non-existent dog ate my non-existent homework. I mean, I've been puking, fooking, fucking sick for the past entire week. Plus, I had a mid-term and a test to bloody hell put myself through, but still... even though my counter at the bottom of this page absolutely proves that nobody ever reads what I goddam write on this website (unless you count five hits a day, four of them mine, as people reading what I write...), I still somehow feel so damn barren and hollow inside, as if I've let the entire damn world down when I don't update this website...

Wow... I must have quite an imagination... especially when I'm delusionally sick...

And unfortunately for me, the television last week wasn't exactly the most stellar of episodes either, at least in terms of the February ratings they were meant to produce. Probably the only episode to truly stand above the rest was Stargate's Heroes, Part 2. I mean, in a sense, the episode was a bit too morbid and far too lacking in any sort of comic relief to be considered a favourite of mine. But obviously, there were reasons for the case - Janet Frasier did die, afterall... and the last thing you'd want in an episode where a beloved character dies forever, is Jack O'Neill yuking it up with Yoko Ono in the background... But still, while Heroes Part 2 did have an impact on me, I must admit that television rarely ever really strikes a true chord in me, and the pattern held true on Stargate last week. While the episode was a great send-off for the character of Janet Frasier, it didn't really feel like a great going away present for the actress. I mean, Teryl Rothery was barely in the episode. For the scene that she was killed out of nowhere though, I will admit that I was feeling a bit of apprehension... Since I knew Jack wouldn't be the one to die since it would've been a big deal ala Michael Shank's departure, I realized that Janet's absence from the episode definitely meant that she didn't make it... So yeah, I was feeling nervous when the video went on showing her death, and I was shaken up when she died so suddenly and so randomly in the midst of war. I give huge props to the writers here, for invoking a reaction out of me... But as for the rest of the episode? I don't know. I guess I just don't really care about episodes that try to be so damn serious. I loved the acting on everyone's part, as Sam crying in the hallways was far more powerful to me than her tears after Daniel Jackson died. I felt that Teal'c's silence was more than just oddly appropriate this episode, and a nice juxtaposition to his silence in his interview just a week ago. And Daniel Jackson himself? Considering I've always thought he'd eventually get together with Dr. Frasier, it was no wonder that he was the true star of the show when it came to grieving. His scene in the room where he died was simply masterful, from its brilliant use of shadows to simply the way Daniel remembered what it was like to die, and what he owed Janet for trying...

But alas, as great as the episode definitely seemed on paper, it just didn't have the power and conviction to win over an unwinnable guy like me. I found Janet's memorial to be clever with the list of names she saved, but not really moving. The video at the end with all the soldiers was appropriate, but somehow just felt old since I've seen so many of those videos in my life. And the naming of the child as Janet at the end of the episode was once again spot on, yet once again cliche... Sad to say, probably the only parts of the episode that I really did like had to do with the journalist, Dr. Bregman, himself. I mean, his first speech in the hallway was just painful to bare, as his talk about a Stalinist regime when it comes to freedom of the press was just going too far and too over the top (he had no concern for human life or feelings whatsoever... which was sort of the point...). But he definitely redeemed himself in absolutely the best damn scene of the year perhaps, when he was discussing the Vietnam war photo with Daniel Jackson. I agreed with Bregman - he definitely made his case... A picture of a man slaughtered can also be a picture of a man saving a life. And that's what made Jackson's scene by his deathbed so damn powerful - because he realized that on the tape, was everything that Janet was. She died saving a life. She died saving a father. And yes, that was powerful, and definitely meant a lot in terms of all the war crap politics going around today in real life... A lot of forum goers seemed to think that Robert Picardo's interrogation character was useless this episode, but they have to also realize that he was there as sort of an image of us. Whenever we talk of war, we talk of numbers and dollars and politics and crap like that. If the Goa'uld were real, we'd have rallies all over damn North America to wage peace, not war with them... But in this modern age of techno-information, we've forgotten about the actual soldiers themselves in the war. We've forgotten what they go through, and rather just concentrate on whether they should be going through it or not... We always concentrate on right and wrong, good or bad, and no longer on what the actual soldier is going through. There is a difference, and in that sense, Heroes Part 2 was a brilliant social commentary... but alas, I just don't like politics enough to love this episode the way it was meant to be loved. It's sad to say, but the only scene I watched over and over again, was the sight of Jack O'Neill taking a staff blast straight to the gut. I didn't even care about his hugging with Sam near the end - I guess I still don't really care about the soldiers involved in war, just their actions... In a way, I feel guilty that I don't. Tomorrow, I'll still talk about war as if it were a game of chess. But for this past week, I've felt a bit guilty about talking about it like it was a game... So maybe Heroes, Part 2 did succeed a bit at something...

But you want a show that succeeds at nothing? Then watch Smallville... Because last week's episode, Velocity, was... quite frankly?... short story extremely short...

"The episode felt like it went by so damn, painfully slowly... except for how quickly I changed the channel during commercials. Now that was fast."

But I certainly should give credit where credit is due... Velocity was a Pete episode, and acting wise, he certainly delivered. For once, I actually cared about his character, because he really portrayed a desperate man seeking help from a friend for his family... The episode was also supposed to remind us that Pete and Clark have drifted apart as of late... but I really could care less about all the lectures Clark was giving him, since Mr. Superman seems to be forgetting all the horrible stuff he did just last summer whenever he talks to someone else from on high... As for the rest of the episode? Chloe was there. Did she do anything? I forget... Lana got threatened. But thankfully, she didn't have a Dawson's Creek type moment with Clark for once... Lex got to make a lovely speech to Clark near the end. It makes me wonder where their friendship is headed, but without any mention of the mind-wipe, I didn't really care in the end... And Clark's father being in the hospital didn't really phase me. If he dies, I will be definitely surprised. But right now, he's just as untouchable as Superman, and somehow (probably because I was sick), I just couldn't give a damn about seeing a man in a hospital bed playing checkers... But at least one thing was cool about the episode. I was laughing all the way at the sight of an illegal car racing syndicate in the tiny town of Smallville. Of course, I don't think I was supposed to laugh at that, but at least the premise of the show was entertaining enough whenever Pete was on the move... even if I wanted to punch Clark with kryptonite when he was showing off his running skillz by blowing right past Pete going 100mph...

But Smallville wasn't the only episode with a trailer that was far more engrossing than its actual episode was. Unfortunately for Angel, it too succame to the pressures of making me expect too much thanks to a pretty decent promo... This week's episode, Why We Fight, was so devoid of life (no pun intended... wait, was that a pun?...) and humour, that I only laughed once (at the bus terminal reference). Hell, I barely even smiled at the Rasputin Lover reference, since this episode was so damn morbid and serious in the first place (though the Prince of Lies was alright, simply due to his lack of knowledge of anything technological)... Of course, that was the whole point of the episode. Being morbid, dead, and meaningless, I mean... The opening scenes demonstrated that working day in, day out, without a purpose and without variety, could eventually turn a man into nothing. And unfortunately for Why We Fight, a lack of purpose to the episode, except for trying to find a purpose for the hard working characters, made the episode feel like nothing in the end... Rounding down the characters, none of them had anything to do. They stood around with wires around their necks, although even then, Fred did look damn cute to me during the comment about her hair glistening in the sunlight... We did learn a bit about Gunn though. Something is going wrong with his brain download. Could be important in episodes to come, considering nothing has really happened to him lately... And Spike? Well, he tried to bring some life into the submarine parts of the episode, calling himself Captain and everything. But he really did feel dry, considering he was supposed to be fun-loving, evil Spike. I didn't like how he just sat there and followed Angelus' orders, because knowing him, he would've gladly tortured everyone on the ship, even if it meant getting stuck down there for eternity... I mean, since when did he really follow around Angel's lead?

The only real characters of the episode turned out to be Angel and Lawson... now, the actor who played Lawson was quite effective at the job. He reminded me of Tom Cruise in Pearl Harbor, even though Cruise was never in Pearl Harbor, but you get the point... The chemistry between the two sort of showed more of a captain and crewman bond than most Enterprise episodes seem to have. I did like the contrast in Lawson's voice between when he was an ensign and when he was evil, mocking Angel's quotes word for photographic word. But in the end, because of the lack of humour in the episode, I ended up liking Why We Fight even less than I did U-571 (which was a horrible movie with great sound, might I add). The depth charge scene was just standard fare, which resulted in the only real action of the episode lying in Lawson's death at the hands of a bloody hell screwdriver... And probably the only thing that interested me in the episode, was the talk of the "Demon Research Initiative" and the Nazis trying to learn ways to control vampires, in hope that the Initiative comes to Angel in season six (well... if there is a season six on UPN or something, since WB didn't pick up Angel for next season... zee bastards!...). Whenever a soldier or Angel said "son" in the flashbacks of the past, somehow it worked with the atmosphere of the episode, and I liked that (even though it definitely didn't suit Angel in the present). But for the most part, everything in the episode just felt monotonous and bland. Angel's voice in the past was both boring and patriotic at the same time, and something about that just didn't ring right with what we know of him in the 40s. Spike's voice wasn't much better either, which definitely irked me, as evil Spike never would've been that silent or subdued. And while I loved some of Lawson's lines (like his talk of what went through his mind while dying), it just didn't help the episode enough when every single line he uttered was just merely melodramatic and a cliche affair. Although as a guy, I do love the atmosphere of a submarine, I still expect some humour and light brevity from an Angel episode, no matter the setting. Why We Fight was a good reminder of why we should find purpose in what we do, before we literally get lost in our work. But in the pursuit of a purpose for the episode to convey, I think the writers sort of forget that just searching for a purpose, without already having one that people care about, is pretty damn boring to watch...

Which brings me to Enterprise... more or less... You see, this week's episode, Harbinger, was not exactly a favourite with the online critics. Or actually, to be accurate, I think they blasted the episode for being one of the worst on records... They claimed they hoped this episode wouldn't be a Harbinger for the rest of the series. I say I hope their reviews aren't Harbingers for how dumbass elitist and overpresumptious they all seem to be... Because as a 21 year old male who's always really hungry for a horny girl, I actually kind of loved this episode. I couldn't put it above Stargate's Heroes for best episode of the week, since Harbinger lacked any real emotional, political, or plotwise purpose and focus. But it was entertaining to me, to the point where I was actually snickering at the god-awful yet so damn witty and clever dialogue in the episode... I mean, great dialogue in an Enterprise episode for once? Who would've thought? But it happened... Now, rounding off the cast, Hoshi almost had something to do... almost, that is, since she at least got to parade around in a pretty hot and sweaty, work-out bra. And Mayweather got to fight on screen, something we know he'll never get to do against an alien when the stakes are high, since he never gets any worthwhile screentime. And Phlox? Well, he was playing doctor again. Billingsley played the role of a doc trying to ease his patient's pain quite well, but it was a one dimensional role that's obviously been done by all television doctors a million times in a row. And Archer? He for once played third or fourth fiddle for an episode, although he still got some great lines to boot. I loved his screaming and yelling and temper tantruming against Reed and Major Hayes, telling them to "SETTLE IT!" with more conviction and contempt than he ever has shown for the Xindi. But to be honest, his kicking and screaming sort of felt more five year oldish than Malcolm's and Hayes' fight did, but maybe that's just the guy in me talking?... And Archer did get to play a key role in the furthering of the Xindi arc when it came to the alien they found in a conglomerate glob of anomalies. I wished the make-up artists would've made the alien look less like a Suliban than they did (unless that was on purpose), and I also wished they made the guy look more threatening. But looks aside, I knew right off the bat that this alien was a threat. I just never expected him to be the threat to humanity, even after his eyes widened from the mere mention of the name of "human"... I actually was left in disbelief at the end of the episode, when the "Makers" as we'll call them finally revealed themselves. I thought this subplot of the episode was very well done, and nicely interwoven with the A and B acts of the story.

Of course, the critics don't really agree with me that the A and B plots were any decent whatsoever... But truth be told? I extracted great joy and jubilation from the infantile rivalry between Reed and Hayes. Was it cliche? Absolutely. Has it been done time and time again on television? You betcha... But that doesn't mean it can't be fun to the male demographic eye. And I personally loved the animosity you can feel just steaming from the words of the ever elegantly accented, British security officer... Their fight in the end was a bit too homoerotic for me at times (yes, even compared to the wrestling I watch...), considering sweaty guys repeating each other's lines just reminds me too many times of women and men doing the same thing in movies. But some of the moves the two did on each other were actually some of the best fight stunts that Enterprise has done to date (except the Klingon move... that was just cheap... should've went for a low blow or a Crippler Crossface, but I digress...). And I loved the fact that the two had to put their fighting aside to go work together against the alien that would be evil king, even if it was expected. Sure, the rivalry between Malcolm and the MACOs is one dimensional, but since we guys think with our dicks, it just happens to be the right formula for a world of hurt and entertainment... Especially when mixed with extremely horny Vulcans! I mean, if I loved the alien sexcraft in Rajin, then of course I'd loved T'Pol getting it on with Tucker, everyone's favourite Southerner... I'll admit it - I loved their little quick quips when the two were having neuropressure together. While repeating each other's lines didn't work for ambiguously gay Malcolm and Hayes, I was absolutely beaming with delight when T'Pol was throwing Tucker's own words back in his face. I just felt that the two were so cute together, and since I've been waiting for this moment since the first time Tucker covered T'Pol in the doctor's gel, I was ecstatic when T'Pol was getting all antsy and jealous at the mere mention of jealousy... And when she got naked? I don't care if all women viewers were offended by the Vulcan's slutty attitude - she looked damn fine from the bottom up, and I couldn't have felt happier for Tucker... Now, of course I have questions. Yes, T'Pol is more human than any other Vulcan as other other Vulcans have noted, but I still don't get why she wouldn't bother to fight or even half repress her emotions for Tucker. And I don't see how this could fit into Star Trek continuity, considering Spock's parents were the first Vulcan and Human pair, unless nobody ever finds out that the two ever did it on Enterprise... But I don't really care about most continuity issues. All I care about, was that I was still smirking like I myself had just been laid, by the time Tucker was confronting T'Pol in the mess hall. I couldn't help but feel Tucker's pain when T'Pol acted like nothing meaningful had happened, as if it was not even a one night stand, but rather an experiment... I mean, wow. T'Pol may have just lost her virginity, but damn, she was one fine playa', toying with Tucker's feelings... Charles took it well though, better than I was actually... And he even got Jolene Blalock to make a cute, flirtsy face behind her mug when Tucker suggested to continue on with their neuropressure sessions... Now, I'm still hoping these two crazy cats (one in a catsuit) get together sometime, either behind the scenes or not. But I admit, it's still far too early for a relationship to start... otherwise we'd be stuck with Tom Paris and B'Elanna crap all over again...

Now, I agree that during February sweeps, it was awful for Enterprise to air Vulcan horniness and male bravo bashing in the middle of a huge Xindi arc. But goddammit, do I really care what the critics say? I got to see a very horny T'Pol, and I got to see a fist fight with unnecessarily, excessively sweaty men. I got a lot of humour out of this episode, simply from little moments like T'Pol getting a little careless with the female MACO in arms, and a lot of brilliant brevity that I simply could not get from last week's episodes of Stargate or Angel. I personally don't want nor need a string of ten super serious episodes in a row, as critics seem to demand for marks. All I want, is a great arc that keeps me interested, while giving me the fun episode or two inbetween. As great as the Deep Space 9 Dominion War Arc was, most of the serious episodes were simply too serious, and the filler episodes were not nearly as funny or entertaining as they should've been. Enterprise is doing what Deep Space 9 couldn't. Or at least, it is from my point of view... even if that point was awkwardly skewed from being delusionally sick all last week, but I digress...

Y2kk Update: Stargate had a pretty damn good episode this week... Hell, every show (except for Smallville of course... some things never change...) had a pretty damn good episode this week.

But still, while this week's episode of Stargate, Heroes - Part 1, was definitely one of the highlights of the season, it simply wasn't the "best episode of all time" sort of stuff that a lot of people seem to be saying on the Stargate forums. The thing is, Heroes may have been lacking in the plotline department, but I definitely can see where all the Heroes worshippers are coming from when it comes to script writing. Literally every single character in this episode had some spectacular lines to say, no matter how useless their personalities normally are to the show... or actually, because of it... Take Gary Jones for example, who plays Sergeant Siler I believe. Although I definitely would've found the speech about his job a hell of a lot funnier if I didn't already hear him say it on the Stargate season DVDs, I still crack up every single damn time he simply shrugs his shoulders and admits, "that's about it"... This was at least the best Siler moment since he was given his fake name of "Walter" in 2010, and probably the best damn Gary Jones moment in the history of Stargate. And even his fellow gate technician guys got into the action! I forget his name, but whoever that tech guy is that got shot by Teal'c and his staff weapon, had me laughing out loud every single damn time I see him fly across the room, just mere milliseconds after he tells Teal'c "big guy" to stay clear of his face... And the rest of the underutilized cast all got brilliant moments to shine as well. Once again, Hammond played the one-dimensional general, but he truly shined in his talk downs to Bregman, as he truly did show some real concern for his soldiers in the line of duty. And Janet Frasier? Quite honestly, she had her best moment this episode since at least Frozen last year, if not the episode in fifth season where Cassie was evolving into some type of super Goa'uld host... I agree with Bregman: Frasier showed great poise in front of the camera, and if you ask me, her glowing smile definitely caught my attention as well. I loved her rounding-off of all the things that Jack O'Neill has been through over the past seven years (I loved the Hathor mention, but where was the Baal sarcophagus incident?), and to be honest, her chemistry with Mr. Saul of sitcom Frasier fame (connection?... perhaps...) was undeniably peachy. I loved Mr. Bregman's grace under pressure, and believe me - if I were him, I would've found Janet Frasier's coy mention of her daughter from another planet, as being a flirtation back of some sorts... don't ask me why, but her timing was perfect. Too bad the poor reporter cracked under pressure yet again, succumbing to his Gulf War traits more than his genetics... first impressions are always last chances, I always do say...

Anyhew, I personally loved every character this episode, as the premise of being interviewed for the sake of the president, really gave them all a chance to shine in front of the camera (in front of another camera), in terms of the comedic and acting departments. Because finally, Jack O'Neill had an episode where not only was he actually on screen most of the time, but he had a reason not to be as well! Is it me, or does Richard Dean Anderson only seem to show himself off in two-parters this season, because he was probably in Heroes, the season openers, and Evolution more than he has been in all the rest of the episodes combined. I loved his comments to Bregman, especially the one about getting shots of his ass (don't ask why...). I loved the mention of cake in reference to the 1000th mission through the Stargate... I loved the running joke about the memo thing (not only was it a running joke for the episode, but of past seasons as well, along with the cake thing). And although the joke did wear thin, it was nice how Jack finally got to tell Senator Kinsey off, though I've got a feeling that Kinsey will soon be Jack's superior in the grand scheme of things... Teal'c didn't get to say much this episode, but his interview has hilarious because of it! I loved the moment where he just walks off the set, and although he didn't get to say much with Carter later on, I somehow found everything he did say to be fascinating. About Goa'uld probes being a copy of ours and whatever... although I think that's all he said... And Daniel? Dammit, I gotta try that when reporters are chasing after me! If reporters ever do end up chasing me... His reason for running through the halls was simply fantastic, and one of his best lines since Homecoming. And I loved the fact that Daniel got to be a geek again! "It's fascinating" was purely season 1 and 2 Daniel Jackson all the way, and I also loved the look on his face when he was telling Carter what Bregman said about his video shots. When Carter couldn't argue against the "boring" comments, poor Daniel just changed the subject... And Carter herself? I loved how nervous she looked in her first interview. Her "hi" wasn't just very subtle, but one of her cutest moments in years. And I loved the expression on her face when the camera team asked to get a shot of the Stargate spinning. Her "cool" reaction was right on spot... and I agree - the steam coming out is too cool!... And in her third interview? I still laugh whenever she gulps at the end of her line of O'Neill questioning. I liked how she sang Jack's praises, yet shifted her eyes when the interview turned to more personal matters... And honestly, Heroes was a great episode in terms of writing and execution. Almost every line was golden, and literally every character had an exciting story to tell. My only complaint was that there was a real lack of action of plot development in this episode, and even then, we still got a great fight against an Goa'uld Imperial Drone (I love grenade launchers...) and some great conversations between a team that wasn't SG-1 for once (SG-13 sounded like a pure WW2 group, with the bets and the talk about children and all... big props to Adam Baldwin for being a better commander than Major Pierce or Makepeace ever were... but where's Ferreti, dammit? I miss Kawalsky...).

And yet despite all my own personal ravings and rantings, and singings of praises for Stargate this week, it still couldn't muster away the top episode of the week award from a certain other show this week... Of course, that show definitely wasn't Smallville. I'll go fuck myself the day I give the best episode of the week back to goddam Smallville... Because as for this week's episode? I forget the bloody hell name of it, but all I know is...

"God, I hate goddam teen television interpretations of fate. I got enough of that shit back in high school... I didn't like it back then. And without my angsty high school obsession around to cloud my judgment, I sure as hell wouldn't like it now..."

Of course, I'm being a bit of a hypocrite here. I enjoyed a similar episode about fate on Stargate last year, yet I absolutely hated the fact that fate could change in Jordan's vision in Smallville this week. Sure, I've got possible explanations why that could be, but I'm not going to get into those... All I care about, is the following: a) Clark's moral dilemma at the end, about changing fate, was so damn painful to listen to, that the only thing to save the scene was the realization that Clark couldn't save his own father... b) Lana is an idiot. Adam is obviously evil. Look at those damn eyebrows! Though Jordan's revelation about him is starting to get decently Resident Evil entertaining... though I hated that movie, but I digress... and c) Chloe and Lex once again showed some real chemistry together, but neither character did anything interesting. Sure, this episode was simply meant to set up the future February sweeps episodes, I'd wager. But in a week where the competition for best episode of the week consists of Heroes, You're Welcome, and Stratagem?... well... all I can say, is thank God I don't have any reason whatsoever to give the damn award to Smallville again...

Because if you've been living under a rock, or just don't like Angel, you would've at least heard somewhere that Angel's 100th episode aired this week. And trust me - You're Welcome was sure as hell one damn good episode... The problem is, just like with Heroes, while the dialogue in You're Welcome was brilliant, the plot was just a bit too thin to be considered best episode the week calibre. I mean, You're Welcome definitely ranks as the second or third best Angel episode of the year, behind Damage from a week ago at least. But in terms of dialogue only, this week's episode was probably the best in the business, as the return of Cordelia Chase definitely proved to me that Angel has been missing something since its second season actually (before Cordy went all saintly good and evil and crap like that)... Rounding off the cast, You're Welcome had something for every character to do for once. Lorne got to complain about having blood drained out of his neck. Harmony got a ridiculously funny moment when she just jumped Eve for the sake of being helpful and evil. Gunn got to look increasingly evil himself, lying and almost threatening the group to stay with Wolfram and Hart. Wesley got one of his best lines when he was "kickin' it old skool", and he finally got to work some magic mojo for once, instead of just relying on hybrid magical/scientific stuff made by Fred. And Fred?... well, she didn't have anything important to do per say. But I definitely did get some vibes when she looked cute as hell while hugging Cordy... but I digress...

The core of this week's episode lied in the Angel and Cordy moments, and these scenes alone showed the true strength of the writers of Angel. Cordy had so many brilliant lines that it was almost not funny - to the point where every line was so damn funny, that it almost felt too fast and too fake at times... which is was, I guess. That's what women do best... I knew something was up when Cordy closed the covers on the person in the hospital bed. And I knew things were definitely up when she magically was able to shut down the Wolfram and Hart device... But still. This was indeed Cordy. Season 2 Cordy actually, before the motherly crap of season 3 and the pregnant crap of season 4 (though I never did see season 1 of Angel). First of all, I agree with Wes. Thanks to all her Janet Jackson cleavage, Cordy really did look hot. And her lines sure didn't mask the gratuitous cleavage fact... I loved her references to the past seasons, all maternal instincts aside. I loved her clapping of the hands at the mere mention of shopping... Although I missed the "Lilah Jr." line the first watch through, I did enjoy her threatening of feeding Eve her own shoes (if she was referring to her shoes, that is... I'm a guy, so I wouldn't know...)... I loved her hugging of every character, especially Harmony, if only because I would've liked to see the two together again, one more time... And really, every scene where she was either with Wes or Angel alone, almost brought back tears of nostalgia, even when watching Doyle on the plasma screen that I should have (I guess I did watch a few season 1 episodes here and there...)... Her chemistry with Angel (aside from the kiss) was undeniable. Her subtlety when talking about the lost night that they were meant to meet, was perfectly executed if you ask me. Her expression when Angel admitted to feeling better after beating up a "little Texan" was enough to make me remember why she charmed me so much back in the second season... And Angel himself did his best brooding act since the start of the season. Although his quitting sub-plot felt out of place and sort of forced, his feelings of being lost without Cordy definitely felt like they rang true as he just flopped there on the ultra-comfy couch... and if there's any real reason why this 100th episode of Angel will forever be remembered, it's because of the ending. I mean goddammit, I almost cried when the news broke out! I almost saw it coming, and yet I still almost shed a tear! And every time I've watched the ending since, just the expression on poor Angel's face when he looks back and realizes that Cordy ain't there anymore, is simply priceless... and enough to tug away at my poor, aching heart... The twist at the end of the episode was pure Joss Whedon at his best, and truly brings some real closure (and real substance) to the Cordy storyline (although I still hopefully wish she'd come back at least occasionally if there is a sixth sense season). The last time I felt this way, was when Spike was bearing his breast and soul to Buffy in the church... I have to thank the Buffy and Angel writers for that...

So honestly... the writing for Angel's 100th episode was superb, so what kept the episode from being considered the best?... Well, Lindsay's plotline kind of sucked. He spent all that energy to get Angel to doubt himself, why? So he could kill him? Makes little sense to me, and their poor one-liners in their slow-paced, Matrix wannabe fight certainly didn't help... But what really, really, ridiculously bugged me this episode, was the fact that bloody hell Spike was playing Donkey Kong of all games on his bloody hell Xbox! I mean, I didn't know Vampires knew how to mod their Xboxes just to play MAME... and goddammit, when he lost the game?... heh... I guess even vampires don't have to strength to lift an Xbox... and no, that isn't besides the point... not for an obsessive, anal gamer like me, at least...

But the real reason why Angel's 100th episode didn't get the best episode of the week award, was simply because Enterprise was that damn good this week. Short story short, I found Stratagem brilliant and entertaining the whole nine yards through this week, as it was absolutely the best Enterprise episode since Anomaly, if not Regeneration from last season. Mayweather and Hoshi must really love February sweeps, because for once, both of them got something to do in the same damn episode! Hoshi got to continually read family crap from Degra's letter, and at least Mayweather got credit for playing around with the simulator hydraulics and the turbulence factor of the Enterprise... Phlox had some great moments as well, all thanks to the return of Regulan blood worms (I may not have liked Star Trek 2, but I still winced away when the worm was getting ready to enter through the nose... or eye, or whatever...). Malcolm got to shove around Degra and his Xindi buddies. Tucker got to build the simulator (which I sure as hell want for my room!). And T'Pol? She did a lot, although I guess nothing important. She got to call the shots, as I guess women in catsuits always get to do on Starships in the Star Trek universe...

But the real meat and potatoes came solely in the acting between Archer and Degra. Shuttlepod One still remains as my favourite Enterprise episode of all time (though Broken Bow - Part 1, Shockwave - Part 1, Regeneration, and Anomaly all come close), so it's no wonder that I absolutely loved the writing between these two characters in the alien cargo craft, even if it was all a deception... Now, I'll admit it. I was an idiot. I had no clue what was going on for the first ten minutes of the episode. Until the leak, I was thinking Enterprise was having yet another time travel or alternate universe type episode. Only the convenience of the leak hinted me off that all the events were happening so damn quickly to get Archer to gain Degra's trust... and in the end, I was still surprised when the truth came out! Because goddammit, for once, humanity was actually smart! Building a simulator to trick Degra into entering the Xindi weapon's coordinates was simply brilliant, even if it's been done to death on Alias or spy shows or whatever before... Because still... I was fooled. And I loved the look on Degra's face when he himself realized he was fooled. My only problem with him though, was that as cool of a simulation as the Vortex thing was at the end of the episode, Degra should've known to keep his mouth shut. He is a scientist though, not a soldier - and if he's anything like me, I know I'd be too stupid to keep my tongue clasped as well... Now, for a while, I thought Archer would start sympathizing with Degra and his talk of his children. But the brilliance of Stratagem, is that while the Xindi became humanized like any good Trek episode is supposed to, Archer and co didn't even care. Instead of talking about Nora, the wife, Tucker got to call Degra the patented "son-of-a-bitch", and nobody bothered to complain! It was great! The crew had such great contempt for a character who was only trying to save his people, that somehow, the mixture of the two actually made Star Trek feel real fresh this week... Stratagem may have been a really simple episode in the end. But just like Shuttlepod One, it's the little things in life that mattered. From the slicing away of the Regulan blood worm, to the bonding over the sharing of the Andorian Ale, to the sheer brilliant effects of seeing a moon split in two in the background, Stratagem to me had one of the best damn writing strategies going for it out of all the shows I've ever watched. The third and fourth seasons have always been the charm for Star Trek (TNG, DS9, and yes, even Voyager), and it's making me happy as hell to realize, that Enterprise is truly starting to flaunt its stuff as well.

I love February sweeps... except for all the bloody hell mid-term exams, and the grating sound of Donkey Kong on a bloody hell Xbox, but I digress...

Y2kk Update: There weren't many Xbox games that I was hyped up for in the year 2003... Halo 2 was one of them. But I think we all know how that one turned out... and if you don't? Well, the game has been delayed to November 2004 now. That about sums it up...

But one of those other games that I actually did care about for the Xbox, was Ion Storm's Deus Ex 2: Invisible War... You see, I have this friend over at my university (yes - I actually have friends...), who acts more like a hostile nemesis to me than anything else... Nevertheless, we waste (or at least, I waste) all our time by constantly nagging him as to why he refuses to buy any damn consoles. He sticks to his pirated PC games and his PC games alone... The thing is, there was one damn game that he was anticipating above all else. He was a huge fan of the original Deus Ex, one of the first person adventure games ever made (next to System Shock). I mean hell, he considers it his favourite game of all time... Now, I've never played Deus Ex. Hell, I still refuse to call it anything but "Deuce Ex", simply because I feel only people who wear geeky douces or dunces or whatever on their heads could actually like the damn game, but I digress... but still... considering he liked the game so much? It was only natural that I would give the sequel for the Xbox a chance. I mean, sure it still pains me to this day to hear people call the game by its "rightful" pronunciation of "Day-us Ex 2" (goddam stupid Deus Ex Machina artsy wannabes...)... and while that may be a good enough reason for me to hate the original without ever playing it, it's not a good enough reason for me to hate the sequel, now is it?

Of course, I'm not alone in my assessment. Millions of other Deus Ex fanatics around the globe, my university friend included, abhorred Deus Ex 2 for what it was: a shallow game that made a mockery of the original in every way... God, how many times have I heard the outcry of just the little things in the game, like the fact that Ion Storm added some shit about a unified ammo system? And how many times how I heard fanboys refuse to even touch this game with a 9 foot pole, simply because they removed the skills and RPG elements from the goddam series?... Now, since I never played the original, I really can't comment on these two things. Sure, I hated the unified ammo system, simply because a) I always ran out of pistol shots whenever I tried to use the shotgun, and b) it makes no logical, fucking sense that a flamethrower would use goddam nanite bullets... and of course, I wish that Deus Ex 2 had some RPG elements left in it. Without any experience points, I really could care less about doing anything but rush through the damn game as quickly as possible. The Biomods in this game were far too shallow to be considered skills, and really, considering how easy and cheap all kinds of biomods come in this game, I never really bothered to explore the cities like I would if I were playing Metroid Prime... but still... I can't really comment on these two features, now can I? I can't really say the game sucks ass, just because of these two shallow nitpicks, now can I?...

Lucky for me then, that the rest of the game really, really, ridiculously sucks ass.

First of all, the graphics... What the hell was IGN smoking when they said the graphics were decent in this game? The resolution looks more grainy that a World War 2 movie, the colours are more drab than almost any other Xbox game next to Morrowind, and the lighting? The lighting may have been done well in hardware, but the effects on my television certainly don't show it. Everything was just too damn Danny darko on my TV to even care about what the lighting looked like, to the point where I actually notched up the brightness on my screen just to see where the fuck I was going... And the physics? Why the fuck did IGN care so much about the fucking ragdoll physics? Sure, it's fun to play catch the body by chucking some dead weight over a Medina safety railing or some crap like that, but honestly? Aside from the pointless basketball court early in the game, what the fuck was the point of the physics? Just like in Brute Force, it was poorly integrated gimmick and nothing else. Sure, at times, it was neat to see bullets move furniture or fallen bodies limp on rocks. But honestly! The ragdoll physics made everything in this game feel as goddam weightless as a goddam ragdoll. Just touching a table made it slide across an entire room, and is it really necessary to be able to throw dead bodies onto the second floor of goddam apartments?... As for the sound of music, what music? Was there even music? If there was, I couldn't hear it beyond the awful sound effects in this game. The voice acting was poorly Paramount at best, mostly thanks to the fact that without facial expressions, most of the people talking felt like zombies that I simply couldn't understand thanks to poor compression... And the animation? Oh my god, don't get me started on the animation!... First of all, if bullets in the game can fucking move tables and ladders and chairs, oh my, then why the fuck don't bad guys even flinch when I fucking shoot them in the goddam face? The hit detection in this game wasn't just terrible because soldiers can take four or more bullets to the forehead without failing, but also because goddam Ion Storm didn't even try to make it seem like anybody in this game can feel pain... And the frame-rate? How the fuck could the designers mess up the goddam frame-rate so badly? The first hour I played this game, I felt sick to my stomach, almost as badly as I did when I played goddam Medal of Honor on my goddam Gamecube... Eventually though, I thought I got used to the game. The next day, I played about four hours of it nonstop, feeling perfectly fine when it was finally time to put the controller down... but honestly! The moment I did, the world started spinning on me! The animation was so damn bad in this game, that after getting used to it, I was left with a headache in the real world for the next fucking two days... "Deus Ex 2" stole duel, deuce days of my life, and I want them back, goddammit!

... then again, I'd only end up wasting them again... but that's besides the point...

But the valid point still stands, that there's a reason why I played this game for four hours straight that day. There's a reason why I continually put up with Deus Ex 2, even though the controls were awkward and the loading times were nearly unbearable to eternally suffer through... The thing is, I know how so many people hated the world design in this game. Every city just feels so damn small, with Seattle feeling like a couple of rooms just joined together, and with Antarctica literally being just a few empty spaces all knotted together for Trading Spaces or whatever kind of crap... I'll never forgive the designers for what they said in their interviews, that they purposely made the game levels so damn small to fit into the RAM architecture of the Xbox. I mean, what the fuck have they been smoking? Are PC designers just half-assed nitwits or something? Consoles are all about efficiency, not fucking brute force. Use your damn head, use level streaming, use the damn hard drive cache of the Xbox better, and fucking get rid of those fucking five minute loading times, why don't you?!... But as much as I hate what Ion Storm has reduced the Deus Ex series to (and this is coming from a guy who's never played the original), I still must admit that the stages are all each cleverly designed enough to actually warrant the title of "first person adventure"... Now, I was always a ball buster in this game. I blew down doors, hacked away at security terminals, EMPed turrets, and shot every person on sight, women and children strangely included... Hell, I shot so many bots near the start of the game, that I literally ran out of ammo on normal difficulty in Seattle of all places. But the decent thing about Deus Ex design is, while my methods were one way of beating each stage, there was always another way. You could take over bots, you could use the crawl vents, or you can use cloaking devices to get past everything. I hate Stealth, but although I definitely hate the absolutely poor combat system in this game (where literally, you win more firefights if you stand in one place shooting than you do if you strafe and use talent...), I do admit that I do applaud the Deus Ex designers for incorporating this kind of "deuce" gameplay into their world... And a few of the game's weapons weren't bad either. The Greasal pistol felt wooden and stagnant yet solid, the Mag Rail was better than the Rail Gun in Quake 2 at least, and concussion grenades were fun as hell to roll into unsuspecting Templar rooms... But sure, if I had played the original Deus Ex, I probably would've seen and concentrated on all the sad ways that Ion Storm compromised their gaming design for the Xbox that they assumed had no power. But since I haven't ever played the original, this gameplay experience was fresh enough for me, and thoughtful enough to keep me entertained for most of the game.

But the strength of the original Deus Ex has always lied more in its story telling ways than its innovative, genre busting gameplay. And while Deus Ex 2 has it's moments, the sad thing is... most of those story telling moments royally do suck ass... spoilers ahoy, for those who care... Because honestly! At first, the game sort of fools you into thinking that maybe you can actually choose allegiances in this game or whatever. The WTO and the Religious Order were both different enough to actually warrant some choices in the game. I personally worked with both factions for the longest time I could, simply because goddammit, it actually was interesting for a time. When I had to free some AI helicopter girl or something from WTO headquarters or something, I actually cared whether the WTO would kick me out or not... But then of course, came the big revelation at just the middle part of the game. Sad to say, although this would make sense in the real life conspiracies of the Illuminati world, it just absolutely sucked for the game player to realize that the Order and the WTO are actually two sides of the same coin (though I guessed at this duality thing from a) the Coffee Wars having the same resolution, and b) the fucking name of "Deus Ex Machina")... I applaud the writers for realizing that the point of the Illuminati is to control the entire world, even if it means creating opposite factions at war. But honestly! After that realization, the Order and the WTO became meaningless. The entire story became meaningless, because there were no longer two factions to choose from. Couldn't they have just waited later in the game to reveal this at least?... And later on, that stupid ass JC Denton crap stuff finally showed up again, but for half of the entire game at least, there was no need to make the moral choices. There was no need to care about the game, as it merely became yet another mindless, first person shooter game until you finally had to choose whether to kill Paul Denton or not... And the endings of the game? Honestly, what the fuck? I watched two of them - the Illuminati one and the JC Helios one. And they both sucked ass, not just because they lasted 30 seconds each, but... well?... THEY FUCKING LASTED ONLY 30 SECONDS EACH! Why the fuck should I go through a eight hour game just for that? And the final stage wasn't even good anyhew! I killed almost everyone on all sides out of boredom, except for the Illuminati guys, and then took out JC Denton by just standing there, healing myself as I shot him in the head at least a dozen times with an upgraded Mag Rail... Everything that happened after the WTO and Order merger, was just pure fluff in this game. There were no real choices, no real dilemmas, and hell, every single faction near the end was pretty much the same. You either went for happy assimilation, or pure anarchy. Where's the real choices, like choosing between religion and power? Environment or health? Equality or money? Fuck, there wasn't even an ending where you get to keep the world exactly how it was...

But still, the fact still remains, the plot in Deus Ex 2 was still done well enough to keep me interested for the eight hours that I did progress through the game. I probably would've felt nostalgic in Antarctica while raising JC and the Titanic for the second coming, if only I played through the first game to understand what the heck I was seeing in his holographic rooms... I did enjoy the Tarsus bits of the game. Helping the children in the academy was actually one of the highlights of the game, and the idea of cloning JC felt smart enough until the game got into all that goddam assimilate-the-world, Chosen One kind of Matrix crap... Some ideas of the story were clever, such as the use of the Roswell Grays as DNA projects, not aliens (although this probably was an idea from the first game). And of course, I should mention some characters. Dr. Nassif was always hard for me to kill, because she only wanted to help the world (but of course, I killed her). NG Resonance was a great hologram, so I was hard pressed to slash her throat when I finally met the real her (but of course, I killed her). Some of my Tarsus buddies had decent subplots going for them, like Leo who wanted out of the Omar assimilation club (which of course, I helped him with... by killing him...). And Billie Adams? Well, you had to kill her. She was one dimensional, but I still followed her whatever she said, until the breaking point... And that other girl? What was her name? I probably would have cared more for her, if she hadn't died just sitting there motionless, as a turret was fucking up her face... The thing about Deus Ex 2, is that while you can't really choose your own fate in the end (Order and WTO crap, I mean), at least it was fun to change the little things in your character's life. Sure, the game wasn't perfect with the repercussions. I killed every guard in the Trier, Germany SSC compound, and all I got was a slap on the wrist? And sometimes I would kill important people after my mission was done, and I'd have absolutely no repercussions, since apparently some people can come back from the dead... But for the most part, I made my own story. The Tarsus girls stayed dead. The Roswells I saved were thankful. The NG Resonance hologram loves me. And I liked how callous my Alex Denton character sounded everytime I defended killing every single person in every single town with my energy blade... Deus Ex 2 had far from a perfect plotline, and quite frankly, can't even begin to match the best on the Xbox (Knights of the Old Republic, to be exact). But while the choices you were given in the game were petit and pathetic at best, at least for once, a game was frickin' throwing me a bone for once... although I definitely would've preferred an NG Resonance boner... end spoilers, I guess...

Short story short, if I had been a huge Deus Ex original fan, I definitely would've considered Deus Ex 2 to be the absolute disappointment of the year. The graphics are horrible, the frame-rate is literally grating (like eating frozen, spoiled ice cream too damn fast...), and the sound was far below par, considering I was listening to the flatness of it all in Dolby Digital 5.1... The controls are definitely not Halo quality, the physics in this game were a complete waste of time to program, and the glitches in this game really got on my nerves at times (especially when my save files got corrupted... although the getting-stuck-on-vent-openings and random-death-by-invisible-explosion bugs sort of got to me too...)... The storyline is this game looked promising at first, but just like the title of this game suggests, I seriously believe that we'd all feel cheated and slighted and fooled in the end, and definitely not in the good kind of Fight Club way... And the mere fact that this game lacks all RPG elements except for biomods (most of which are useless, not that there's many options to choose from in the first place) prevents this game from having any sort of length factor in the first place, or any damn replay value the second time or JC second coming around. And yet still?... the fact remains, that I played this game all the way through, simply to see how it ends. Deus Ex: Invisible War seems to trick your brain into thinking that something decent will be waiting for you at the end of the rainbow, only to realize that goddammit, Leprechauns are about as meaningless as those goddam Pot of Gold crap kind of chocolate commercials... Deus Ex 2 is by no means a bad game. But just take a fucking look back at my review - I don't think anyone can honestly say that it's a good game. Not after going through the last meaningless half of it, mind you...

I'll give credit where credit is due. The concept of Deus Ex 2 has potential. Multiple gameplay paths and branching storyline paths definitely were intriguing at first, and definitely made this game worth trying out... And the execution of this game was on and off at times, more or less, which is at least worth an average mark from a no-name, relatively easy reviewer like me... but still, the fact of the matter remains, that all of these pluses were already in the original Deus Ex. Short story short, if I had been a huge Deus Ex original fan, I definitely would've considered the sequel to be the absolute disappointment of the year... But since I'm not?... well?...

[c. visitors too bored to return...]
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