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Y2kk Update: - Capcom's Street Fighter Anniversary Collection Microsoft Xbox Review (Spoilers?... umm, no...) -

Well, I wasn't originally going to post this on my front page. I was gonna just keep it hidden in my Xbox review section like most of my reviews these days, but... Eh, what the hey? Might as well just post it here, since I did end up writing much more than I thought I would about just two old games from my noname, nostalgic past...

... the thing is, there comes a point in a geek's life, where he ponders and wonders over just how many goddam times he's gonna buy the same damn game over and over again...

I bought Street Fighter 2 for the SNES. I bought Street Fighter II Turbo for the same system... Hell, to complete the collection, I bought Super Street Fighter II for the SNES as well. And to be honest? I never once regretted my decisions... hell, the only thing I do regret, is not picking up Street Fighter Alpha 2 for the SNES when I had the chance... sniff sniff, I even miss that game's loading times on a goddam cartridge...

... even though I also had Street Fighter: Championship Edition for the Sega Genesis (yet I didn't even have a Genesis...)... and even though I bought both Street Fighter Alpha 3 and Street Fighter 3: Third Impact for the Sega Dreamcast... hell, my only real regret there, was that I still wasn't able to get Street Fighter Alpha 2, which still remains today as perhaps my favourite Street Fighter game of all time... ironically so, at least...

I mean, seriously... there comes a point in any geek's life, where he just wonders and ponders over just how many goddam times he's gonna buy the same damn games over and over again from Capcom...

Even though I knew there was a recall going up here in Canada (thanks to all the goddam game manuals being in French instead of English), I still picked up Street Fighter Anniversary Collection the other day from my local Wal-mart... and realized that I'm gonna have to exchange it for an English manual one day...

... God, I hate Remy... and I hate goddam French... but that's besides the point...

The point is, even for $40 CDN (which is quite steep, actually), I don't really regret my decision... Sure, I can get out my old systems and play Street Fighter with actually decent controllers anytime I want to. But I don't know... there's just something so satisfying, and instantly so gratifying, about buying a game you know that you'd love... simply because you loved it all those years ago...

Playing Hyper Super Street Fighter II Turbo in this Anniversary Collection, really brought to life a lot of old nostalgic dreams, and a lot of newfound nightmares, actually... and first, I'll get all the complaints off my chest...

WTF did they do to the music? I mean, I know the Xbox can't do midi music very well. But no matter what choice of music that I pick (CPS1, CPS2, or remixed), everything sounds like crap. Where are the great classics like Ryu's, Ken's, Chun-Li's, Guile's, and Cammy's background songs? Sure, they still exist in one form or another in the Anniversary Collection, but they all literally sound like Sega Genesis crap... Maybe it's just old skool nostalgic talking, but I want my goddam SNES midi music back!... but at least, Capcom got all the old sound effects right (but how could they not with the Xbox's Dolby Digital processing power?)...

And the controls... Now, Street Fighter II is a lot harder than I remember. Going back to even the SNES versions, I really get my ass kicked and name taken these days, even after pumping down the difficulty levels to infantile two or three stars... But even after doing so, the difficulty in SFII for the Anniversary Collection is still goddam unbearable at times. Half because the game is all about timing that no gamer has anymore, and half because the controls with the stock Xbox controller are pure and absolute crap!...

Who was the Capcom genius who decided to use the white and black buttons for punch and kick? The same person who did the Megaman Anniversary Collection for the goddam Gamecube?... And who was the genius at Microsoft, who made the D-pad absolutely the worst damn D-pad since Sony first came out with their goddam Playstation?... I can't control anything in this damn game! Some of the old timing algorithms are just plain off, but most of my crappiness is due to the goddam Xbox controller itself. And arrggh!... I can't even do Dragon punches and fireballs 75% of the time that I want to. Leaving my ass open for kicking, and my noname name to be taken...

... although I guess it is kind of impossible, to take the name of a noname whiner... but that's a story for another day...

But still, there's no denying how much I've missed all the classic Street Fighter II games... And Hyper SFII Anniversary Edition is kinda neat as well, as it allows us to pick and choose the sprites, moves, and music that we want, from any of the Street Fighter II games released... I've always hated SFII Turbo's misuse of Ryu, especially since I can never get his damn super moves to work with the D-pad. So thankfully, I can still get to choose to play as the original SFII Ryu, where his moves are so damn amazingly unbalanced, that I can really kick anyone's ass with just the fireball and hurricane kick. Nice... It bugs me to no end that I can't seem to find a way, to force the CPU to play as anything but their SFII Turbo selves. But hey, considering I would play 90% of the time in Super Street Fighter II mode anyhew (considering that game was my favourite behind SFAlpha 2)? Then I guess I don't really have much to complain about...

And really, how can I complain about Street Fighter II? The game is a classic, and single-handedly proved the SNES was cool back in the good ol' days... Sure, the sprites used look god-awful by today's standards. Sure, character animations are hilariously missing in action. And sure, Dee Jay and T-Hawk are absolutely the worst additions to the SFII world ever (and you can't shut them off from CPU usage in this game, for some damn reason)... but hey, it's still Street Fighter II. There's nothing more addicting than kicking Ken's ass with Ryu's dragon punch, or fantasizing over Chun-Li's overglossed legs, just like the good ol' days... Even the SSFII Turbo Akuma secret made it's way back into the game. How's that for old skool authenticity?...

... sigh... if only they put Shen Long back into the game too... though at least Akuma was in Resident Evil 4, but that's a story for another day...

But the real reason why I was absolutely compelled to get Street Fighter Anniversary Collection, was simply because I loved Street Fighter III: Third Impact so damn much... And thankfully for my wallet, the translation to the Xbox was even more perfect than to the Dreamcast. Minus the controls, that is...

Like it was for SFII, the stock Xbox controller is just the most awful piece of shit for 2D fighting games that I've ever endured in my life. I would rather get blisters from the Dreamcast's D-pad all over again, than miss all the dragon punches and fireballs that I do with the Xbox controller these days... I'm looking into buying an arcade pad, maybe the one that comes with Soul Calibur 2, although I'd much prefer just a SNES-quality D-pad in this generation of gaming... But at least Capcom upped the sensitivity for the Xbox controller. Motions with my thumb, even when they're incomplete, seem to register as the special moves that I want them to, at least sometimes in Anniversary Collection. While sometimes I end up doing moves that I don't want to too, at least I don't get as frustrated with Third Impact as I do with Street Fighter II up above...

But besides the controls, I was amazed at the conversion to the Xbox... Some of the sprites in this game now look low-res and outdated. But for the most part? This game, along with Zelda Wind Waker, is simply a fucking piece of timeless art... The animation from Elena, Urien, Sean, Alex, and especially (for me...) Chun-Li, is just so damn spectacular, that it still drops my jaw to the floor to this very day... And thank God for the Xbox's relatively crisp television output, because Street Fighter III on my television looks better than it ever did on my VGA monitor back when it was connected to my Dreamcast... Everything looks more hi-res now than it did before, and thank God that the music was kept intact as well. Stages such as Urien's, Chun-Li's, Hugo's, Dudley's, and even Ken's, have some of the best damn music that I've ever heard in a video game, period. And I'm just relieved that it was all kept intact in the ol' faithful translation to the Xbox...

Now, we all know that Street Fighter III wasn't the most well received game in the series, for most Street Fighter II evangelists out there at least. While I attribute that mostly to the internet age, jading gamers in ways that were impossible before, I still have to admit that a lot of the characters (Gill, Twelve, the twins, and especially Remy... goddam French... uggh...) are just plain generic clones compared to their Street Fighter 2 and Alpha counterparts... Still, there's no denying that the fighting system in Third Impact was honed to near perfection. Even if I've always hated the parry system, I just loved how the pace of the fighting was slowed back down to the point, where the strategy involved feels just as immersive as it was back in the original Street Fighter II. The game went back to the basics as far as I'm concerned, added a ton of jaw dropping animations, and finally gave Ryu back his goddam devastating Dragon Punch (that had sorely been sucking for so many games in a row...)...

Both Hyper Street Fighter II and Street Fighter III were given Xbox Live capabilities in Anniversary Collection... Now, I've never cared for Xbox Live, since a) I don't have the service, and b) I'd get my ass kicked and name taken by even 5 year olds out in the real world. But still, except for the lag I keep hearing about, the Street Fighter series would be perfect for online tournaments. Hell, I even thought this was true back in the SNES X-Band days... if only Capcom had perfected the lag and matchmaking options, then online Street Fighter really would've been just like a good ol' arcade from the good ol' days...

Even with the sweat and geek tears, I was extremely pleased with how Street Fighter III turned out on the Xbox. Except for the controls, it was superior to the Dreamcast's version in pretty much every way... And while there are definitely flaws with the translation of the old Street Fighter II games, I still enjoy kicking the ass of Zangief and E. Honda and all those old SF retards, bringing back to the light of day all those countless hours I put into my SNES copies of the game...

But there is one glaring flaw with the Street Fighter Anniversary Collection...

... because goddamit, once again... I am left with no fucking Street Fighter Alpha 2...

... if I told you whether Keanu says the "whoa" word or not, that'd constitute a huge spoiler, now wouldn't it?...

... because let's face it... Whenever we go into the theatres for a Keanu Reeves movie, none of us are ever expecting to be blown away by his Oscar calibre acting, now are we?... We go into the theatre, hoping to be blown away by nifty special effects, a cool ass plotline, and probably some of the best action sequences on the face of the planet... or so we all had hoped, from the Matrix movies at least...

... well, I can proudly and confidently say, that Constantine was at least better than the latter two Matrix movies... although that's not definitely saying much...

... God, those Matrix movies licked balls... and sucked like Pearl Harbor... but that's besides the point...

Constantine was an interesting movie, to say the least... Now, I don't know the first thing about the DC comic book that this movie was spawned from. Hell, I don't even remember the name of the comic book, let alone what it was all about... But after watching the movie, it almost feels like Constantine was brought to theatres, in the hope of riding on the wave of Catholic conspiracy theories set force by that goddam Da Vinci Code book... And you know what? Even if I hate Catholic conspiracy theories, Constantine wasn't half bad when it came to all its religious sort of stuff...

I'm a Roman Catholic, right. I may not practice the faith much, but I'm still a Cafeteria Catholic at heart... And from that vantage point of view, Constantine didn't really insult the religion nearly as much as I thought it would... Basically, there is a heaven and a hell, a devil and a God. God is good, while the devil is evil. And half breeds (angels and demons) walk the earth, in a game of chess so to speak. Pretty straight-forward, right?... The only place where it does seem to slap Catholicism in the face, is when Keanu claims that God made a wager for the souls of all mankind. Now, you wouldn't expect an all-good, omnipotent being to make a drunken bet on the eternal existence of all human souls, now would you?...

... it's also annoying, how Keanu was able to buy back his goddam salvation with one little sacrifice that he knew would work (although I guess the bible technically does allow for this... technicality...)...

But besides that, I gotta admit, the film was pretty faithful to the Church... surprisingly so...

Seeing old and busted cars in hell didn't really seem natural to me. And the demons looked like they were ripped right out of Doom 3... But hey, I just loved the wind effects of the bowels of hell. I loved the general atmosphere and feel that the movie gave when it came to smelling demonic sulphur. And really, for such a relatively low budget film, I was shocked at how well all the scenes were implemented in the movie... The demons turning out the lights on the deserted street was a very nice touch. The coolness factor of the Dragon Breath was definitely one of the pluses of the film. I liked the general eerieness of the Bowling Alley spinning up from the bowels of hell. And hell, was it me, or did Keanu actually pull off that smoking suit and gun routine pretty damn well this film?... goddam cats...

I can complain about the piss poor cloning of bullet-time effects in this movie, as the glass shattering in frozen time just didn't work for me... But hey, considering I didn't know what would happen at that point in time, I actually did enjoy the sight of the ever slowing, closing door when Keanu was having fun in hell. And even though I knew it was coming (to go to hell, you pretty much gotta die first), the bathroom scene with Rachel Weisz was done a hell of a lot better than I thought it would be... especially because yeah, she is still kinda hot... no matter what she does to her hair for the Oscars...

Plot-wise, Constantine actually surprised me as well... I mean, we have the basic settings of heaven and hell. We had Balthazar as the prime demon, and Gabriel as the prime angel... As soon as Gabriel started using swear words, I knew she (or "it", even though the actress used was far too obviously feminine) would end up turning evil or psychotic in the end. And she did, in a luny sort of way that kinda ruined the feel of the movie for me (why must Gabriel always turn evil anyhew? Must be a running joke in heaven or something)... We've all heard the speeches before, how angels are jealous of us humans for being able to feel, and always being able to receive forgiveness from the Lord. Hell, it was the entire basis of Dogma (that god-awful, bloody hell movie...)... They used it here again, and yes, I did roll my eyes at that... Still, the wing span on Gabriel was mighty impressive. And at least the banter between her and Keanu was some of the only decent dialogue in the film at all...

You had some decent fight scenes in the movie, as short as they were... The witch doctor scarred a little flesh. Balthazar got roasted on the cheek. And a really stupid looking bug demon (stolen right from Buffy...) got squashed like a... well... bug... And they were all decent enough fights. I've seen better on television, but the entire package of Constantine as a whole, was pretty damn solid action wise... The movie had a few spooky parts, with Golem trying to screech its way out of a mirror. And the movie had some eerie parts, with the aforementioned bowling alley scene... It definitely wasn't a horror movie though. Since when could anyone not laugh at Keanu Reeves trying to act serious?... And it definitely wasn't an action flick, as most of the fight against Balthazar, was just Keanu pulling out a bible and speaking in verse... But like I said, as a total package, I kinda enjoyed this film... if only because it actually poked fun at itself... and how it damn well poked fun, at how damn seriously North American society takes religious issues these days...

That was probably the greatest thing about Constantine - the fact that whenever you rolled your eyes at something, it would just giggle back at you and bitch slap you silly with something else... Here's a huge spoiler for you: Constantine and Angela never once kiss. There are two or three different sequences where their lips seem to meet. And of course, I rolled my eyes at all of them, like the gullible son of a bitch that I am... And then the movie would just laugh at my stupidity, and reveal that the lip movement was for something else. And it all actually made the movie a hell of a lot more fun, just to realize how it was taking movie cliches and turning the other cheek with them... It did that with religion too. Just as I was rolling my eyes at Keanu Reeves acting as a priest to a demon, he reveals that the sermon can't work without Balthazar asking for forgiveness. And then he literally blew the bastard back to hell... and it's the little moments like that you treasure...

Take the final scenes in the movie for example... After Keanu Reeves slit his wrists with a "whoah", a blood soaked man dressed in white descended from high above. And it was obvious from the camera work, that we were meant to think this was Jesus or someone. And like the gullible twit I am, I actually rolled my eyes again... But then we saw who the man in white really was: the Russian devil incarnate... and the scene that ensured, right from the faithful entrance of "Lue", was probably the best of the entire film... I mean, I dare you not to laugh at the finger flipping scene, that just turned out to be finger licking good. The sight of Keanu of all people, ascending into heaven, as the devil below just curses on and on, has just got to be the best damn middle finger flipping scene in the history of mankind...

Short story short, Constantine had absolutely the best ways of turning the cheesiness factor of religion, into something so freshly badass... that in all honesty, it really did surprise me...

I mean, now that we're back to the actors... you could say, that Keanu obviously wasn't brought in for his take on The Colour Purple...

Constantine is a morbid, monotonous movie the whole way through (actually, so was The Colour Purple... but I digress...). With quite a few boring parts, might I add... The thing is, this was all done on purpose, to set the general atmosphere of the film (which definitely worked as a whole). And to set this whole mono-feel of a mood, they brought in Keanu Reeves... who can't act worth a damn, but still somehow can just flick the devil off, and make everything feel alright...

This was his best movie since the first Matrix. That's obviously not saying much, especially considering how little emotion he put into his acting in this film... But thankfully for him, Constantine didn't need any emotion. All it needed was Keanu feeling all dark and moody and depressed, all because he was going to be sent back to hell thanks to smoking 30 cigarettes a day... All it needed was Keanu right back in the middle of bullet-time world, with him staring at a cat in the stupidest damn way, that no other actor but Keanu could've pulled it off without ruining his career... Keanu may be the farthest thing from a perfect actor, but he was definitely perfect for this movie...

And surprisingly, Rachel Weisz wasn't bad either... She did her part. Nothing fancy... She looked pretty at times. She got her tank top soaking wet, which is always good... She played the naive detective, who eventually admitted that she had a sixth sense... She was too stupid to get out of the water when the devil was coming at her with the spear. So good for her, I guess... She had the same kind of monotonous feel as Keanu did this film, which actually provided some decent chemistry between the two of them... And she seemed kinda hot when she was gagging on sulphur. Don't ask me how or why, but I just thought she was hot. And I guess the smoking, sizzling body coming out of the bath tub scene didn't hurt either...

Now, to be honest, Constantine wasn't a very good movie. The hell scenes were nice, but didn't really provide a real substitute for the lack of substantial action scenes this movie... The exocism moments were definitely eye grating at best (especially the sight of Golem trying to give birth to itself...). And the film definitely didn't have any real compelling characters... The bowling alley guy was only in a couple of scenes before his death, Keanu's sidekick had a completely meaningless end himself (although I hear something happened to him after the final credits... I didn't stay long enough to find out...), the Witch Doctor wasn't played by Samuel L. Jackson (dammit...), and Gabriel's insanity was just too cliche to even fanthom for fandom...

But hey, Rachel was hot... and this movie gave me the idealistic prospect of psychic, lesbian twins, so that's always good... And Keanu in his turbid, eternal, infernal stupidity, actually provided a hell of a lot of refreshing scenes. Who didn't cheer when he went all Blade 2 on the demons being soaked by holy water? Who didn't give him a high five when he was asking for a light from the devil incarnate himself?... Keanu was a clueless badass. And to be honest, I really got a kick out of it...

The thing is, the director of this film knew that for the North American audience, the Catholic basis of this movie would be eye-rolling fluff at best... The film realized this potential downfall, twisted it on its cheek, and used it brilliantly to its advantage in the end... Of course, the movie will never be considered a classic. But Constantine was definitely a popcorn finger flipping flick of a film that really delivered, as far as I'm concerned...

... hell, it was better than most of the goddam awful Oscar nominated films this weekend, at least...

... because like I said, it was better than I was anticipating... and it was at least way better than the two latter Matrix films were...

... and while we all know that ain't saying much, I guess Constantine still deserves...

Y2kk Update: - Stargate SG-1 Moebius (Part 2) and Star Trek Enterprise: Divergence Reviews (Spoilers) -

Now, I really, really, ridiculously wanted Stargate SG-1 to end its eighth season with a definitive bang... and, well... I know that the eighth season as a whole has been nothing more than a whore of a string of bad episodes. I mean, I can pretty much name every single freakin' decent episode of the season on one goddam hand... And while Moebius (Part 1) wasn't exactly the episode that I was hoping it would be, at least it still showed a lot of promise for part 2...

... but, well?... Moebius (Part 2) squandered pretty much any hope I had left for the season... since it was the end of the season, but I digress...

The first episode of Moebius at least brought to life (amidst a horrible temporal paradox) one of the greatest fantasies of a Star Trek geek like me... I've always dreamed that one day, just one day, someone will come up to me and tell me that in an alternate timeline (a real timeline), I'm actually someone special. Someone with a purpose, you know?... rather than just a desk job wannabe, writing as a noname attention whore on the internet, don't you know...

But alas, Moebius (Part 2) didn't even provide me with that... Now, as an avid SG-1 fan since the second season, I did appreciate some of the nostalgic romps through time... Charles Kawalsky was killed, again. Apophis got to play with his hand device over Daniel's head, again. Chulak returned with SG-1 behind familiar bars, again. Samuels was nowhere to be seen, and General Hammond only had a few lines or two, again... And of course, we got that final scene in Ancient Egypt, with the Egyptian crowds shouting at the poor ass Jaffa who wished they had those cool ass Horus helmets from the Stargate movie... and so did I...

The problem was though, Moebius as a whole felt like it was more about the guest appearances and the geek factor of nostalgia, than it was about any sort of semblance of a real plot... Kalawsky's time was wasted with barely any lines, Apophis only got to look blurry from old skool Danny vision, Chulak just felt so damn small and minuscule compared to the SG-1 series premiere, and the Jaffa in Ancient Egypt didn't even put up a fight... I mean, c'mon. Even with the lack of extras, couldn't the producers at least have tried to faithfully reproduce the action from the movie, with some CG characters swarming the Jaffa down below?... Instead, we were left with an episode that actually left all the good action to the imagination, and nothing more. It was almost as if I was watching a clip cliffhanger show... although no season finale will ever be as bad as that season two one was, whatever it was called...

And Daniel got killed, again... I mean seriously, the guy has the absolute worst luck when it comes to the Stargate universe... And Daniel Jackson knows it. The one decent thing his character did this episode, was just shrug in disinterest at the fact that his alternate self was a Goa'uld spy. It's like he expected him to die on the first mission or something... It's just too bad that Dr. Jackson really didn't have anything else to do this episode... Alternate Daniel just got to stare at a hand device, then got shot by a staff weapon. He didn't even have any of the classic geek lines he had in the first Moebius half... And our Daniel Jackson, ironically the only one still alive in Ancient Egypt after five years? Sure, I loved how badass he had become, talking down to Lt. Gaeta like he owned the Egyptian place. The contrast between him and his alternate geeky self was larger than I thought, but still... The revolt at the end of Moebius was just so damn weak and pathetic, that seeing Daniel not even getting to fire his old P90 (does it still have ammo?), really made this episode feel like a wasted opportunity...

Alternate Teal'c surprisingly was a breath of fresh air though... I mean, maybe it was just because his hair was covered and all, but alternate Teal'c actually seemed to care about things, while our Teal'c really hasn't for months (yes, I preferred him bald...). The expression on Christopher Judge's face when he was watching his alternate self on the tape was fantastic. You could really sense his Jaffa throat going dry... And Teal'c was excellent on the tape as well, seeming so beamingly proud of all that had been accomplished in the past eight years... But as soon as Teal'c (too easily) rejoined the SG-1 team, he became just another background character yet again. His only contribution in Egypt was to look at Daniel's revolution plans for a second, and then denounce the dots on the paper as being not good enough... which definitely explains the character over the past year as well, but that's besides the point...

Jack O'Neill showed some promise last episode, with the Chicago Cubs references on one hand, and his alternate self bringing to life some old Kurt Russellness on the other... But where did it all go in Moebius Part 2? He didn't give a damn about Kawalsky's death, he didn't really make any cool jokes, and he seemed to fly the Puddle Jumper with too much ease compared to his real timeline self... Well, Jack actually did get a few good lines in. I laughed a bit at his banter with our Daniel, especially over the missing fact of the cloaking device on the tape... but then again, I must also admit that I completely felt no chemistry between Jack and alternate Sam in the Puddle Jumper. Sure, I rolled my eyes (in a good way) at the intentional cheesiness of the sparks flying in the PJ background at the kiss. But really, the guy is too damn old to be dating Carter anymore! It just doesn't feel right, somehow... I loved their awkwardness when Jack admitted that he found her "hot". But RDA himself didn't make that scene... It was all Amanda Tapping that saved the few decent moments of Moebius Part 2...

Now, first things first about her, I was severely disappointed when she lost her glasses. I mean, WTF? It's like a reverse Superman complex with me, in which as soon as the blonde chick removes her glasses, she suddenly becomes ugly to me? WTF?... Still, maybe it wasn't just the glasses. Amanda Tapping just was missing a lot of the adorable, geeky lines that she had in the first Moebius. Not to mention the sexy librarian clothes that turned me on, but that's besides the point... But still, out of all the characters this episode, hers was still the best. She still had her adorably girlish moments, like her ineptitude at firing the pistol in the PJ, the way she sat down in the Egyptian tent, the little waddle she gave when she checked if the Puddle Jumper was invisible, and of course how damn cute her little walk was as she was pondering whether her future self had a boyfriend or not... Amanda Tapping did a whole host of little flirty things that would've attracted the best of men, so it was no wonder that Jack hit on her. I laughed out loud when she claimed that she was attracted to Daniel instead... but dammit, why did she have to get together with Jack in the end? We all know she's truly meant to be with MacKay...

And ah yes, MacKay... absolutely the best part of Atlantis, and absolutely the best part of Moebius... If there's one reason alone why Part 2 is still in the plus column, it's because of the return of the "Gateship 1" naming thing... And Daniel even agreed with him! Hell, even Sam was nodding in approval of the name!... and without Sheppard there to bitch-slap some sense into them, what else was there to do?...

... ah yes, the clever nostalgia... but that just wasn't enough to save this episode...

Don't even get me started on the headaches, from the mere fact that now the fishing scene at the end of Threads is non-canon (meaning, that team there was now an alternate version of SG-1, while the redone fishing scene in Moebius is officially the real SG-1)... Don't even get me started on the stupidity factor of the alternate SG-1 team living out their lives in Ancient Egypt, yet not affecting a single thing in the timeline (butterfly effect, anyone?... without the horrible actor... uggh...)... Don't get me started on the goddam temporal paradoxes, parallel universes, and the whole damn Delorian thing... and please, don't get me started on that movie... even if I liked that movie, but I digress...

I was hoping for the world from Moebius, for a truly kickass and epic battle to finish off the season... and maybe for a way to solve the temporal paradox without a complete rewrite of history from the first Moebius episode... Hell, I was at least hoping for an All Good Things kind of thing, as a brilliant way to use time travel and reset buttons to fondly look back at the eight years past...

... but sigh, all good things must come to an end... even when it comes to SG-1...

... and if there's anything that season eight of the show has truly shown, it's that I really, really, ridiculously hope... that season nine doesn't turn out like this...

Well, at least I'm still getting SG-1 next season... Meanwhile, Star Trek Enterprise keeps producing kickass episodes in its fourth and unfortunately final season of the show. And it just ain't fair, really...

Affliction last week was absolutely one of the most thrilling episodes of Trek that I've seen in years... While Divergence this week couldn't quite keep up the momentum, it was still a rather bloody good episode, with one hell of a first twenty minutes at least...

The transfer of Trip at Warp Speed was something that felt ripped right out of Speed, yet something felt damn exciting and innovative as well. The sight of seeing the poor engineer, crawling on a wire as the stars fly by behind him, has to be one of the weirdest ideas to ever be conceived in a sci-fi mind. Yet it just plain worked in Divergence, as the suspense in that scene was killing me... And Trip's solution to the engine problem wasn't so bad either... I'm surprised that the Klingon algorithm didn't write itself to disk first or something. But completely rebooting the system at high warp wasn't just pretty damn cool looking - it probably would've worked against a real malicious algorithm as well. And seeing the Enterprise and Columbia kick ass together, both in the high warp scene (how did Columbia ever catch up to Ent though?) and the final fight scene (despite the lack of torpedoes...), was definitely enough to make Divergence into the best episode of the week...

The problem was, while the first half of Divergence was a great continuation of the tenseness from Affliction, the episode just couldn't keep the momentum in the second half... A lot of the dangling threads just started falling through... Section 31 was especially anti-climatic. I don't know whether they'll ever be touched on again, but their big plan for the Klingons just turned out to be so damn lame in the end... So all they really wanted to do, was delay Enterprise from finding Phlox? That's it?... And they couldn't even do that right? And then Sloan Jr. got his ass kicked and name taken by some generic Klingon Krell the Warrior King? WTF?... I don't know. I prefer Section 31 to seem more omnipotent and mysterious than that. And it certainly didn't help that Archer found out all about them, although I'm sure the Section will cover that up...

Mayweather had barely any lines, again. He got to fly the ship at high warp, but that doesn't really help the actor out much as he's sitting there, now does it?... Hoshi had absolutely nothing to do either. She got to break through the Klingon signal jammers or whatever. But I doubt Hoshi the Hottie was content with that, considering she just sat at her post the whole episode through... And both Trip and T'Pol were surprisingly underutilized as well. Their "bond" was touched upon in quite a fashionable way, with the two of them sniping at each other like a couple of bitter ex-es who still love each other. And Trip did have that daring warp speed tight-rope walk and all, but... I don't know. For the most part, the two just sat around engineering, with Commander Kelby being completely out of sight (as he should be, considering how pathetically red shirt the guy looked like last week)...

Now, Reed certainly had his moments. He still looked conflicted as Archer was demanding his help from the brig... But I don't know. He just felt off compared to his stellar performance in Affliction, especially considering that smug and cocky look on his face when he was being taken away by the MACOs... Malcolm still had divided loyalties this episode, but he certainly didn't seem to show them very well when he saw Harris again on his LCD monitor. I hated the final scene, where Malcolm pretty much left Section 31 for Archer (although I'm sure if Section 31 ever returns, Malcolm will be back to his old wily ways). And I just didn't like his talks with Archer this episode, as there was no heated debate or passion over his betrayal like there was last episode... Still, it was still one of Dominic Keating's best performances of the season, and I'm just glad that his British acting skills are finally getting a true chance to shine...

Phlox of course got to shine himself, with a nice shiner on his eye to boot... I admit that I preferred his performance last episode, as he was far more confrontation with the Klingons, especially about the whole Augments thing (while in Divergence, he just played along and pretended to be on their side). Still, I liked some of the comic relief he provided as always, telling T'Pol that Archer was indisposed at the moment (while he was actually getting an erection on his forehead in that scene, or so it sounded...). And I actually liked his interactions with the Klingons this time around... Uncle Phil the General was a lot more kind for some odd reason, and I loved the whole bloodwine thing. The healer Klingon, whatever his name was, proved that honourable Klingons can exist outside of the warrior caste. And while both of them got along with Phlox a little too well, I still liked the whole idea of using themselves as test subjects. I actually expected one of them to die, and was actually relieved when they both survived...

Now, Archer was a bit of a pain in the ass in Divergence... The chair scene sounded like something out of a amateur porno shoot. Which I wouldn't have minded, if Hoshi and Captain Hernandez was right there with him... For the most part though, Archer was useless without the other captain flirting with him from her bridge... He didn't really have a friendly reunion with Trip, he barely registered T'Pol as a bleep, he didn't seem relieved to find Phlox, and he just had no fire in his speecifying when it came to lecturing Reed about loyalty... And on Columbia, Hernandez was a pretty lame ass captain. She couldn't even say "fire at will" quickly enough to have any real punctuation or force to her statement... But hey, at least we got a kickass battle sequence with the two ships fighting together. At least we got a kickass scene of the two ships skimming each other's backsides, like a kickass reflection in high warp water. And at least we can really see a real rapport building between not just the two captains, but the two ships and crews as well...

I may be disappointed that Divergence just wasn't nearly as good as Affliction was. Then again, pretty much all Star Trek two parters have a chair-gasmic climax that just doesn't match in quality the first act of the arc... But as a whole, I still loved Divergence. It solved the mystery of the Klingon foreheads in a way that only made my eyes roll once. It brought to light both reasonable and generically evil Klingons at the same time. It had a pretty funny scene, with Krell the Warrior Captain holding a canister of the disease in his hands (but how the hell did they beam that through the shields?)... And as a huge Trip fan, how could I not enjoy his faithful homecoming, where he truly kicked ass and took engineering names?...

Divergence provided me with something that Moebius (Part 2) simply did not this week...

... and, well... I just hope the rest of this final season of Enterprise still holds steady at high warp speeds...

Because if the ship really must go down? Then I really, really, ridiculously do hope, that it definitely goes out with a definitive bang...

Y2kk Update: - Smallville: Sacred small Smallville Week in Review (Spoilers) -

Well, Smallville wasn't nearly as bad this week as I thought it was going to be, judging from the promos... but that doesn't mean that I still don't have a hell of a lot to complain about when it comes to Sacred...

"WHAT THE FUCK?!... Sacre bleu... Crouching Lana, Hidden Bitch? Seriously, that was the SLOWEST ASS Chinese fight scene I have ever seen in my life!... I mean, you'd at least expect a bitch like Lana to be more apt with a bloody hell dagger from the rear end than that, but that's besides the point..."...

Okay, let's run down the cast here... Chloe had absolutely zero lines. She wasn't even in the episode. So she basically filled out the role that Pete Ross had last season. Good on her then, mate... Lois Lane was nowhere to be found, again. Which I guess is a credit to her character, considering I'd hate for Lana to mess up the only good character left on Smallville, like she did in that goddam awful first Isabel episode... Martha Kent had maybe two lines or so. At least she made a good point about the Kryptonian Stones perhaps not being meant for Clark. But dear Mother Kent was pretty invisible elsewise... Jonathan Kent was basically the same. He voiced some concern over just hopping on a plane to China, but pretty much just stayed in the background otherwise... And Lionel Luther? I still goddam hate how he's playing the nice guy now. I'm sure that when the finale unfolds, it'll be finally revealed that he knew about Clark's secret and the crystals all along, and playing nice was just his best way of getting to them. But until I know for a fact that this will be the outcome, I just can't stand his character... He's still the best actor by far on the show. But without the evil music rooting behind him, it's just not the same...

Okay, let's get the love fest between Lex and Jason over with first... Lex was a bit of an enigma this episode. He showed his malicious side again by purposely getting Jason captured and tortured. But then the tables turned, and thanks to Jason's mom I'm sure, Lex became the poor tortured bastard, leaving with the only real wounds of the episode... I didn't mind the whole Shanghai setting of the episode. I felt like it was cloned right out of Buffy/Angel's Chinese Boxer Rebellion, as something about this version of Shanghai just felt off and so small compared to all the real Chinatowns I've visited... But hey, at least the two white devils stood out like bloody blank ghosts in the sea of my fellow comrades, as they should have. And Jason, for the most part, was actually one of the better parts of the episode... Now, it completely doesn't make sense to me why on earth he would bring one of the stones to Lana, who can turn into the evil bitch Isabel at any time. But at least this episode furthered the main arc of the season around quite a bit, and let us know a bit more about Jason. He's as dumb as a rock, but yeah, he does care about Lana...

... which definitely confirms how goddam dumbass he is, but that's besides the point...

Now, Lana Lang finally had her episode to shine. The problem is, if this was her definition of shining, then she really should've just stayed on Edgemont and went naked with Grace Park... Okay, the fight scene at the end was simply horrendous. Couldn't she at least have stripped Clark's powers again, instead of looking so damn dumbass as he finally got smart enough to use his light speed?... Lana did look reasonably hot in that white tank top of hers as she was getting electrocuted. She was burning up, actually... And I'll admit, Sacred was the episode where she has been the least annoying so far this season, as she actually seemed 'understanding' of Clark for once, but that's not saying much... Because while I appreciated the stupidity of their conversation on the Luthor jet, it still all just degenerated into real nothingness when they stepped into the tiny ville of Shanghai, met a useless Chinese professor who was wearing leather for some goddam reason, and then just get chased around by evil anonymous, Chinese henchmen, until the goddam rip-off of Chinese movies I still hate to this day, decided to take center stage...

Now, I'll admit that Clark was better than his average episode self, considering Chloe and Lois (his two better halves) were nowhere to be found. I liked how he played the 'Chloe' this episode, acting all knowing about Lana's deep and dark secret of power, yet Lana never once got a fucking clue where his understanding was all coming from... I liked the fact that Clark just sped away on a plane (nice to remember that he still can't fly himself) without telling his parents. And the one interesting thing to come out of this episode, was the fact that kryptonite was protecting the stone. I mean, why?... We got a decent return to the Jor'el plotline, with Clark's biological father actually sounding only half evil this time around. And we got to say goodbye to Christopher Reeve in a way... It would've been nicer if they dedicated this episode to him, but I suppose just a small snippet on the Smallville television was decent enough for now... And I will admit, that as anti-climactic as it was, I still liked the camera work and music when it came to the return of the Kryptonian key...

There's one thing I liked about Sacred - it actually made the race for the three stones into something interesting for once... Whoever hid the stones in the first place, obviously didn't want Clark or Jor'el to get them... Lex's shift to the dark side may be directly related to the three stones. Jason seems a bit too knowing about the whole situation. And I'm just sure that Lionel Luthor has something up his sleeves... And hey, even if we had to put up with goddam Kreuk in dual bitch roles, at least we finally got to learn the true meaning of the map. And as a whitewashed Chinese over here, how could I not enjoy the sight of all that Chinese food being sold on the streets? I did watch this episode before eating dinner, afterall... and on a day I didn't even get to eat lunch... and, well...

Sacred was anything but a sacred episode. And Crouching Lana, Hidden Bitch was a true testament to that... Still, at least it was still worlds better than the first Isabel episode was. But that's definitely not saying much, as Smallville really seems to really goddam struggle whenever it comes to February Sweeps time, for God knows whatever kind of reason...

Y2kk Update: - Capcom's Resident Evil 4 Nintendo Gamecube Review (Spoilers) -

Because goddammit, it's hard not to sound like a gushing fanboy, when you're trying to describe the experience that can only be summed up as Resident Evil 4...

... I mean fuck, I don't even like the Resident Evil series! There's not a single Resident Evil game from the past that I've even remotely enjoyed...

... and came out with an utter masterpiece... the greatest, most unexpected, video gaming masterpiece I have experienced, since at least the days of Zelda and Goldeneye on the N64...

Seriously, I swear to God, my hands were literally shaking after my first play of the game...

In Chapter 1-1, I was already freaking out from all the villagers, burning the body of the police officer in the town square... And I had already died once, having cornered myself near the door where two or three more villagers had suddenly spawned from hell out of nowhere... So on my second attempt, I tried fleeing into a house, only for a bloody cutscene to occur, with the sound of a chainsaw revving and gnawing right through the bloody boarded door... In panic, I raced upstairs, thanked the Lord that I found a bloody hell shotgun, and took station at the top of the stairs, ready for that goddam Chainsaw man to whore his way through...

... That's when I heard a crash from the window. I turned around, only to see that six fucking villagers - that's SIX fucking villagers, were all pouring at me through the second floor windows! WHAT THE FUCK?!...

I blew their heads off with shotgun. I then raced to knock theirs ladders from the windows... That's when I heard the door downstairs got torn apart... I quickly turned around, and shot the fucking chainsaw man squarely on the stairs, sincerely out of panicking instinct... I turned around again, only to find that villagers were pouring onto the roof of the damn building. I shot them in the kneecaps, hoping to slow them down... only to turn around once again, and see the fucking chainsaw man getting to his fucking feet! I mercilessly muttered, "fuck you, bitch", as I slowly inched towards the trigger of my goddam shotgun... only to find that... FUCK! I was out of fucking ammo!

... that's when I put down my Wavebird, only to stare at my two hands as if they were greased with blood... only to realize that my body was shaking all over from goosebumps, in a way I have never experienced since at least Ocarina of Time...

And I couldn't sleep that night. Seriously! I literally had fucking nightmares about it!... I swore after my midnight defeat, that I would never, ever traumatize myself with that game again... But every single fucking time I closed my eyes, all I could think about was that goddam, bloody hell game... all I could think of, was Resident Evil 4... all I could think about, were two damn letters...

The AI is the single greatest achievement of Resident Evil 4. And truly makes it stand above all the rest, as one of the best fucking games of this entire generation of gaming... if not one of the best games ever made, period...

The AI attack you in groups. They slice through boarded windows. They climb ladders. They throw dynamite at you on the roof. They corner you into bear traps. They even fire fucking catapults at you... Considering we're dealing with half brain-dead, zombie like creatures here, how the fuck are they so smart? Everytime I see them running at me, screaming like a banshee or moaning like a zombie, I still get fucking chills running down my spine... Hell, even after beating the game, I started a new one with all my previous weapons from my first play through. And as I was walking through the village, knowing what would happen next, I was still feeling terrified, to the point where my goddam eyeballs were literally whittling in terse from the goddam, unbridled tension...

Resident Evil 4 is absolutely the most atmospheric game I have ever witnessed since Ocarina of Time...

Part of it obviously has to do with the astounding graphics, although at times they can be a mixed bag... I admit that there are definitely parts of RE4 that look like they were downgraded with the PS2 in mind. The textures on the castle walls for example, and some of the blurry pixelated messes you encounter on the forbidden island as well... But for the most part, the environments in this game are amongst the most amazing ever made. The village has the sort of grainy look and feel to it, that even outclasses most horror and war movies I've seen over the years. And not one damn person can ever deny the fact, that the magma pools in Chapter 4 literally light up the screen. Or that the fire from the villagers' torches in the darkness of chapter 2, is not the most impressive fire that anyone has seen in a video game, period... And the character models? Oh my God, Capcom has created the most amazing character models ever seen outside of the movies. Leon's hair and build alone are arguably better than anything we've ever seen on a console or PC in our lifetimes. And I'll definitely get into Luis, Ashley, and Ada Wong later on...

But graphics alone aren't what makes Resident Evil 4 into the absolute, mind-blowing masterpiece theatre that it is... Now, although some have complained about slowdown, I can swear to God that I never saw the framerate dip even once below 30 fps. And even if it did? I must've been far too engrossed into the gameplay to ever once notice... And while the villagers lack the detail that Leon and Ada seem to have, how could anyone possibly find that a fault, when I have literally seen more than TEN fucking villagers all attacking me on screen at once!...

The swamp in Chapter 1-3 was probably the most overall atmospheric area in the entire game. I was just walking along the pier, only to hear footsteps coming from the rear... I then did a quick turn around, only to find SIX fucking villagers about to rape my ass from behind! And out of pure instinct and panic, I literally jumped in my seat, accidentally pressed A, and blew all those motherfuckers to hell with my shotgun... I then paused the game to catch my breath, only to find that goddammit, my whole fucking body was shaking again!...

... and by now, every reasonable gamer should know that music is the true key to the atmosphere of a game... And Resident Evil 4, while obviously not a symphony, has some of the most atmospheric music that I have ever encountered in a game, period... Even on the second playthrough, why was I so panicky in the village at the start? Because of the Terminator-like music everywhere, and the sound effects of all the Spanish calling me a motherfucking whore behind my back... Some of the boss battles in RE4 truly have epic music. But for the most part, this game became the masterpiece that it is, because of the sheer creepiness factor of all the low lying sound effects and soundtracks that you don't notice in the game... In Chapter 5, when I heard water drops distant in the background amongst the RE2-like music, I knew something horrific was going to happen. I then entered the kitchen, and literally was fucking blown back into my seat by a sudden burst from a monster on fire... And even the second time I played that scene (since I died the first time from fucking sheer shock), I still jumped back in my seat before I was able to shotgun that motherfucker to hell... And why was I so tense? Because of the music, blended so deeply and darkly into the background, that it literally does bring out the most primal of fears in my very fabric of a being... and I loved it...

I honestly can't believe how damn amazing the whole presentation of the game turned out to be... This was once the series, that had the "master of lockpicking" dialogue ruining the entire atmosphere of the survival horror genre...

But this ain't survival horror anymore, really. It's survival action, and it was a bloody hell revelation...

Capcom gave us stunning graphics, stunning animation, and some of the best damn sound effects I have ever heard in a video game in my life... They gave us CG cutscenes worthy of a Hollywood film, and probably the best damn voice acting that Capcom has ever recorded in their existence... I absolutely adored the motion capture on all the characters in the game. The amount of detail they put into Ada Wong and her sexy, leggy backflip, I may never know... All I know is, as a total package, Resident Evil 4 still wows me to this very day. This is what a fucking video game is meant to be, people...

... see what I mean, when I say it's hard not to sound like a gushing fanboy?...

Some people find fault with the controls in this game. And obviously, I do understand their point of view... The first time I played this game, I was disgusted by the fact that I couldn't move while shooting, or that I couldn't even reload while moving... But after just a few chapters in Resident Evil 4, even I was convinced of why first person controls would've been the doom of this game... There is no better experience in gaming, next to being cornered in a dark ass villager room, running low on ammo, with ten fucking villagers ramming at the door... The ability to shoot while moving would've ruined this whole claustrophobic of a feel, since the enemies don't fire anything but axes and dynamite at you really. Strafing would've just looked ridiculous, considering third person games have never been able to make that movement look decent... And while at times, I still do wish that I could at least reload while moving, there's no denying the fact that I still fell in love with the controls in Resident Evil 4...

The camera is absolutely perfect for a game such as this, where every single step instilled a sense of fear into me, simply because I couldn't fucking tell what was behind the next corner... I loved the aim and accuracy in this game, especially since RE4 is probably the first ever game where headshots are the last thing you'd ever want (more on that later...)... I didn't have a problem with any single weapon in RE4. The semi-automatic rifle has just got to be the best damn feeling sniper rifle ever made in a game, period. And while the Striker shotgun feels too damn weak at long range, I certainly never got bored of whipping that bad boy out at close range, and fucking over a horde of evil monk zealots in their fucking guts... The Red9 (nicely maxed out with its exclusive) turned out to be my favourite damn pistol, and probably my favourite weapon in the entire game as well. Hell, I used it so much, I was actually running low on pistol ammo when it came to the final stages (and had more than 100 shotgun shells on the side...)... And if only thanks to the stellar accuracy and aim with the RE4 controls, the Broken Butterfly Magnum was so much better than in any other Resident Evil game, that it's simply not funny... although I certainly did laugh after I saw what kind of exclusive upgrade I could get for the thing... heh...

Now, of course there are obviously flaws with the Resident Evil formula, that trickled their way into RE4... Graphical wise, clipping through walls ruined a lot of the atmosphere in certain stages where you couldn't see anything (although at least it definitely helped me to survive). Ashley was an idiot at times, considering she took too long to duck her way out of firing range from my shotgun (then again, I was pretty damn trigger happy...)... I'd even argue that the game was too damn hard at times. The learning curve was a bit too high, as I did die more than 60 times on my first playthrough (though 10 of those were from Krauser alone, and maybe another 20 were on purpose just to see all the QTE badass death scenes)... I appreciated the fact that Capcom automatically adjusted the difficulty level at times (after dying three times in the Iron Maiden steel cage, surprisingly the bitch didn't show up the next time I was captured... until I left and reentered the room for some target practice, that is...)... To be honest, I actually adored the difficulty in Resident Evil 4. It made every single fucking situation tense, and really gave me that fucking sense of satisfaction you get, after you fuck over two evil chainsaw bitches in the goddam throats... But considering I've been playing games since 1985? Resident Evil 4 could be just a tad bit too hard, for any gamer not so damn hooked to the damn game as I was...

... massive spoilers, which I really, really, ridiculously plead that you don't read unless you've beaten the game already... but here goes...

Leon was a badass this game. A clueless one most of the time, but a badass nevertheless... Now, certainly some of his one-liners made me groan. Turning down "overtime" with Ashley has just got to be the most gay thing in a video game since at least Shenmue... calling Saddler "small-time" when it came to Salazer was just plain lame... and Salazer himself was probably the only real annoying villain in the game, and Leon's poor quips and comebacks certainly didn't help...

But c'mon guys, who among us here didn't smile when Leon just exasperated, "women", at the sight of Ada Wong ditching him on the cliff? Because for the most part, like I said earlier, RE4 really did have the best damn voice acting from Capcom ever...

I loved the banter between Leon and Luis. Because quite frankly? Luis was the best RE character ever designed... The siege of the house in Chapter 2-2, was probably the most intense moment I have ever experienced in years on a video gaming console. Even after pouring through the first two chapters of the game, my hands were still shaking after Luis fucking blew the heads off of dozens of villagers, leaving me to goddam clean up the Los Plagas mess... And what really made that scene memorable, was Luis' comedy the whole way through... I mean, "ballistics" arming the chest of Ashley? And Luis telling me during combat, that I was only supposed to send out 50 invitations?... Talk about a damn fine scene, one of the best ever made in a video game, period...

The overall main plotline of Resident Evil 4 was certainly nothing to get all choked up over... Essentially, it was just the "rescue the princess" idea from long ago, with an evil parasitic (though natural) invasion going on in the background... We got some truly awful descriptions of "terrorism" from Leon (who reminded me too much of Team America, unless that was the goal) when it came to Saddler. And for the most part, the core plotline didn't matter... It might as well have been called Aliens 2, with a hell of a lot cooler weapons, as all Leon really had to do was kick ass and truly take names...

But where Resident Evil 4 really shined, was not just its character models, but its actual characters itself... Leon was always calm, cool, and collected. He reminisced about his piss poor luck when it came to Resident Evil 2, and I just loved how his dark sense of humour reared its head over and over again over the course of the game... Luis himself was quite a tragic figure. We knew him as just the sweet-talking cop at the start, only to find out that he was the scientist who accidentally let loose the Los Plagas infection from the fossils in the first place. I just wish he could return for another game, that's all...

Now, when it came to Ashley Graham, sure it annoyed me that not once did she ever pick up a gun. Couldn't we at least have bought her a pistol to help defend with in the cabin shootout?... But for the most part, I was amazed at how not annoying her character was. She was always smart enough to hide or duck for cover, it was actually decently fun to crawl with her under tables in the short moments you actually play as her... and hell, I even didn't mind her constant "Leon, HEELP!!" whines, if only because they made for some of the best damn moments in the entire game... The castle scene, where you have to protect her with the rifle as she cranked open the doors, was one of the most intense scenes in the entire game itself. I didn't know back then that hordes of monks would come flooding out of the gates at ground level too, which shocked the hell out of me when I got a good ol' chain and ball to the fucking head... Capcom actually used her pussy wussiness to make some of the most incredible and indelible moments in video gaming history. And that's not the only place where they used her pussiness, that's for sure...

Ah, those crazy, gool ol' Japs... Was it me, or was her vagina absolutely huge as she was crawling underneath those tables?... Was it me, or did she get raped by those "amateurs" on the island, and didn't seem to mind in the end?... And was it just me, or did Ashley actually seem kind of cute? Her teeth were atrocious, but I just loved what Capcom did with the shirt and hair. The way they animated, the way they flowed, all made Ashley feel so... I don't know... adorable, at times... that if only her skin were more sweaty and glossed, and if only some Los Plagas parasites had ripped out of Ada's back... Then we could've had a real girl-on-girl, Ada-on-Ashley, Japanese tentacle hentai film in the making... Because c'mon, I wasn't the only one turned on, by seeing that uncontrollably horny look on Ashley's face, as she was helplessly lured to Saddler's side by his evil sexcraft ways ?... right?...

Ada Wong was actually damn hot to me as well... Damn, did Capcom ever do a fine damn job on her legs... And RE-goddam, just like with Leon and Ashley, her hair was just so fucking amazing in this game, that I will sadly admit... Ada Wong is the first video game girl that I would gladly fuck the brains out of... I loved her chemistry with Leon. Hell, I don't even remember their relationship from RE2, but the banter between the two of them was definitely something to remember in RE4... And was it just me, or did the ending of the game seem to indicate, that Hunnigan was really Ada Wong in disguise? Hunnigan and Ada were never seen in the game together. And why did Leon make a point of Hunnigan not having her glasses in the end (especially since Ada blew hers up in the middle of the game)?... Either way, no matter whether there was a real twist in the end, I adored the Ada Wong sidestory for all it was worth. The Ada Assignment was damn hard but a fun sidestory to beat... and while I am sick of Umbrella Corporation (who were thankfully almost non-existent in RE4), the ending with Ada definitely does set up a possible sequel... one that I definitely would buy in a heartbeat, if it turns out to be as damn impressive as Resident Evil 4 was...

I mean, seriously... there's really no end to all the gushing fanboy moments in the game...

I didn't care much for Krauser the second battle around (mostly because it was too hard, and maybe too long), but I honestly couldn't get enough of the QTE knife fight beforehand. It was absolutely the best QTE moment ever devised, leaving Yu Suzuki and Shenmue bankrupt and crying in its wake... Salazer was too easy of a fight (I didn't even get hit, dammit) and Saddler was just an annoying boss... But the Village Chief freaked me out with its hang-time sort of two phase battle. And even if I thought the first boss was too easy, I must admit that I was just plain ocean-floored by the impact factor that the lake monster had on me...

And there were just so many other amazing battles in the game, from the cabin siege that I can't stop mentioning, to getting grabbed right into the molten fire by a fucking giant, El Gigante troll (the one that I had already fucking dropped into the pit)... good ol' times, like me, running like a fucking pussy from the fucking tentacle dogs I met right after Del Lagos... to hell, even the sight of a fucking monk going all "say hello to me little friend" on my fucking ass in the castle...

... end spoilers... and please tell me you didn't spoil yourself, because this game definitely doesn't deserve to be spoiled...

Yes, at the fundamental core, Resident Evil 4 may have had a stereotypical, sci-fi/horror plotline. And I really, really hated fighting the parasites that leave human bodies... But honestly, is there any real fault that I can find with the game as a whole?...

It had the most goddam intense battles I have ever experienced in this entire generation, period.

And even with fucking so many university projects fucking me right up the ass, I still couldn't pull myself away from this game...

I was hooked on it, no doot aboot it, as it was absolutely one of the best goddam games of this entire generation of gaming, period...

I've said it before, and I'll say it again... Resident Evil 4 isn't just already a contender for best damn game of 2005. It isn't already just the game that would've won hands-down the best game of 2004, if only it had been released in December... It's also probably the fucking finest masterpiece that I have ever played outside of the Zelda series, and the only game right now that I still can't fucking stop thinking about...

And you see?... yeah, I guess I really did soak the towel and bib to the bone with that one...

... because really, I for one can't talk about Resident Evil 4, without sounding like a gushing, raving fanboy...

Y2kk Update: - Nintendo's / Namco's Star Fox Assault Nintendo Gamecube Review (Spoilers) -

Alright, I readily admit that Namco dropped the ball with Star Fox Assault... to a rather large extent, at least...

I'm sorry, but I just never got the love for the original Star Fox. Sure, I was amazed by the SuperFX chip when it was later used by Super Mario World 2. But why on God's green earth would I ever enjoy shooting at giant, colourless blocks on screen in the first Star Fox for the SNES?... I still wanted the sequel to the game to be released though. I would've loved to play co-op, Star Fox 2 missions with my brother...

Then came along Star Fox 64... and while I still wasn't big on the whole Star Fox thing, I can't deny the fact that I had a ton of fun with stages like the Asteroid Belt, Fortuna and MacBeth... Still, as much as I did enjoy Star Fox 64, I still can't say that I was a huge fan of the Star Fox series... especially since there was still no co-op mission campaign (although for some odd reason, my relatives did seem to like the multiplayer deathmatches... don't ask why...)...

Hell, in some ways, I actually enjoyed Star Fox Adventures more than I did the first two games in the series. Then again, I am probably the only lone person left on the face of the planet, who actually did enjoy Star Fox Adventures... dammit, if only that game had co-op or some sort of crap, and if only I got a dime everytime that SFA Penny Arcade comic is posted... then, well... maybe I wouldn't be considered insane...

Every Nintendo gamer by now has started to see the pattern... During the N64's lifespan, people complained that their games were too long, too complicated, and that Nintendo just didn't release enough games for the system... So what did Nintendo do instead during the Gamecube's run?...

... sure, I still think that overall, the GC has already produced more quality titles than the N64 did in its entire lifetime. But except for Super Smash Bros Melee, Metroid Prime, and Zelda: Wind Waker, where are the unquestionable classics?... Every single game Nintendo has released, has felt rushed or flawed in some retrospect or another... as if the company was now trying to win with quantity, not the Nintendo seal of quality...

Just mention this game pretty much anywhere on the net, and all you'll get back are disappointed shrugs... We all loved Star Fox 64 on the Nintendo 64, so why the fuck didn't Nintendo just give us the direct sequel that we all wanted?... As much as I love Nintendo, they've arcade-ized their genres far too much. And because of that, Star Fox Assault really does feel like a Dreamcast game at times... one of those cheap, shallow, good-for-only five minutes of button mashing, sort of games that killed that Dreamcast in the end (yes, the DC sucked...)...

... and while they're not completely offbase... the thing is, the real verdict?...

... alright, once again, I readily admit I was definitely disappointed in Star Fox Assault... While three or four of the ten stages in the game were the classic on-rail shooter stages that we all loved from our pasts, unfortunately the great in this game was outnumbered by the on-foot missions of ass...

I don't know what either Nintendo or Namco were thinking when they chose to put Star Fox back on foot after SF Adventures. But seriously, WTF?!... Fox can't even turn left and right properly in this game, without screwing the camera. And except for locking on, his weapon aim is absolutely atrocious... Shooting down fighters from the sky, with anything short of the sniper rifle, is a pure bitch. And the weapons in this game are just so damn bad, that it makes DC's Outrigger look great in comparison...

It's just so damn frustrating, to actually take one wrong step and fall to your death in a bloody hell Star Fox game... It's just so damn frustrating, that the on-foot stages have absolutely THE WORST radar system I have ever tried to use in my life... And yet at the same time, it was like this game was made for ADD riddled children at times... Or at least the old skool arcade crowd, who died out long before even the Dreamcast was killed by its shallow, pointless games... Star Fox on foot is just plain wrong. We knew that two years ago when we first saw screenshots of this game. And it's still just plain downright wrong today...

I had high hopes for the tank missions though, only to find that they suffered from the same flaws that plagued the on-foot portions of the game... The tank feels so damn light, that it may as well just be Fox on foot. The hover capability feels way too damn slow, and turning the tank around is a real damn pain in the ass... I mean, the game controls like a tank, yet doesn't feel like a tank? WTF?... Holding R down allows you to aim manually, which feels alright in some situations at least... But why the hell does the tank fire so damn slowly compared to SF64? Why does it boost so badly? Why does it roll so damn poorly, completely unlike how the tank handled in Star Fox 64?... I admit that I never really liked the tank missions back in the N64 game anyhew. Yet compared to Star Fox Assault, the old skool stage against the train was just pure on-rails bliss... There isn't a single on-rails tank stage in Star Fox Assault. All we were given was pure ass incarnate... and it's no wonder then why Star Fox Assault has gotten so much flack and hate from the fanboys all over the net...

... but even so, though maybe not as a buy, I still have to recommend Star Fox Assault...

Sure, I still hate how they changed the controls in this game... Why the hell did they move the brakes to R? Why can't we use L and R to fly on our side? Why must we use the c-stick to barrel roll, when I was still so goddam used to using combinations with the analog stick, like we were given in Star Fox 64?... and sure, the game is damn short. It probably only took me five or six hours in total to beat the game on Bronze level...

But really, since when has Star Fox ever been long? The easy path in SF64 could be beat in less than an hour, and the hard path didn't take much longer than that... On Silver difficulty on Star Fox Assault, the game is already proving to be a challenge (and a deterrent, considering I really don't want to do the on-foot stages again)... And really, while it sucks that Nintendo didn't give us nearly enough of what we really wanted, at least they gave us enough of what we craved, to be worth the money I spent at least...

The on-rails Arwing stages were far and between... But they were there, and yes, they are just as good as anything I ever experienced in Star Fox 64... The first stage in Assault feels too damn slow at times. It was probably too short as well. But there's no denying how damn beautiful the Corneria fleet and Fortuna was. And there's also no denying, that I really did love the lock-on mechanics in this game... I also felt the Asteroid Belt stage was too short. But damn, was it ever nostalgic to fly through the space station to the sound of old skool Star Fox music. And yeah, even if the boss wasn't original, Pigma sure was fun on Silver Medal difficulty... And then we had the last stage, which was somehow even goddam challenging to me on Bronze difficulty. Just the coolness factor, of having the Star Wolf team on your side, helped make the stage into one that really tipped the scales of the score for me... In my lameness, I died three times on the last boss alone. And yet somehow, I just enjoyed it a hell of a lot more than I ever did battling Andross back in the old days of the N64...

... so we have three amazing on-rail missions, versus how many god-awful, ass foot missions in the game?...

... well, luckily for me, there were a few more redeeming moments along the way...

While I was definitely disappointed that we didn't even get an Arwing Corneria mission, I was nevertheless impressed with the on-rails boss you fight at the end of the Corneria stage we did get. Same goes for the snow planet, whatever its called, as flying on the wing of an Arwing was at least a somewhat decent substitute for the lack of on-rail Arwing missions...

And while yes, I absolutely loathed the search-and-destroy collectathan mess on foot and tank on the ground, those stages were still partially redeemed by the fact that you could get into your Arwing whenever you wanted... Now, even if it wasn't on-rails, I really think my favourite stage of the game has got to be the Orbital Gate. It was absolutely the most frantic stage out there, especially on Silver difficulty, and reminded me nicely of the great ID4 rip-off stage in Star Fox 64... It was just a free-for-all area, with literally hundreds of enemies to fire at. It was probably the only stage where I actually enjoyed saving Krystal and goddam Slippy or whatever... and that one stage alone, was definitely decent enough to put this game in the plus column for me...

Hell, even the plotline in this game was pretty good... Krystal and Fox's quips were actually better than I thought they'd be... I felt bad for Peppy when it came to his sacrifice... I actually went gung-ho, gun happy when it came to General Pepper... I actually felt Star Wolf was pretty damn badass every time he came to help... And as a big fan of Star Trek's Borg, how could I not love the sheer Aliens rip-off of the Aparoid army and their Hive minded Queen?... and yes, I admit it... I was pathetic enough to actually snicker and laugh at Fox's and Tricky's moment of banter...

... yet, sigh... I just wish there was more good things to say about this game still...

I wish that the multiplayer mode wasn't ass, thanks to all the on foot and tank portions of the gameplay... I wish there were branching routes in the campaign missions, so that maybe I could choose a path that actually had more of the on-rail missions that I paid for... I wish the graphics were better, as only Fortuna really looked amazing on my television (though that one stage alone, looked better than Panzer Dragoon Orta on my television)... I wish the voice acting was better, or at least gag Slippy was his original bumble voice from the first Star Fox game... and obviously, I wish every damn stage was an on-rails Arwing stage...

... and oh yes, did I mention that I wish there was co-op?... fucknabbit, some things never change...

... I don't know what possessed Nintendo and Namco to give us first person foot missions that still smell like ass... I would assume that the companies were trying to give us what we wanted, and not what we actually said we wanted... Then again, I sure as hell have a hard time believing that any company could ever once believe, that we'd want god-awful stages like the return to Sauria... stages that truly taste like feet...

But setting aside my disappointments in the game, I will still readily admit that Star Fox Assault is a lot better of a game than all the critics are saying... Star Fox Assault has some truly great missions hidden in there, which were much more fun to me than pretty much 90% of games released these days... Star Fox Assault does have replay value. It has some pretty kickass music as well... And hey, it even managed to make a plotline that I cared about, if only for a few moments...

... Sure, maybe my opinion here shouldn't count, considering I enjoyed Star Fox Adventures more than I did Star Fox 64...

... and no matter what Nintendo and Namco did to the series, the come hither of the glint of the Arwing, still shines proudly through...

You know, after reading the promo synopsis for this episode, I was convinced that Affliction would be one of the worst episodes of the season... not that that means much, considering the fourth season of Enterprise is now topping last season as one of my favourite seasons of Star Trek ever (only TNG season 4 and DS9 season 4 even compare)...

... Call it the Borg Regeneration factor or something. Because yes, contrary to popular Trek opinion, I did love that season two episode... Part of the reason why, was because I'm a huge fan of the Borg, no matter how badly Voyager screwed them over. And part of the reason why, was simply because of the stellar pace and musical score for Regeneration at the time... That episode literally kept me on the edge of my seat the whole way through, as my body was literally riveting with goosebump tension... making Regeneration one of my favourite Enterprise episodes of all time, next to Broken Bow, Azati Prime, and this year's The Augments...

... and while Affliction still can't compare to the terse factor that Regeneration and Azati Prime did, it definitely was up there with the best of Trek... The music was just astounding this episode, as the thrill of the hunt and chase never did quite let up. Every single scene was interesting, and not a single moment felt out of place or slow... and that's definitely saying a lot, considering just how many plotlines were crammed into one hour of a show...

Mayweather didn't get many lines. But who cares, right?... I mean, we got Hoshi in a leather outfit! While I'll never be a fan of leather clad women (I prefer them to be in tight T-shirts, or just plain naked...), Hoshi the hottie at night was certainly damn hot, no matter what she wears... Now, it's nice that she now falls into the cliche of every Asian knowing kung-fu (and she sucked at it too...). I mean that in a good way, of course... And sure, that San Francisco scene did feel like a nice extension of their chat about racism in Home... But the real reason why I loved Hoshi this episode, was because of the nice twist she provided to the T'Pol and Trip love thingy fable... Heh. First, Hoshi has a lesbian mind meld with T'Pol (which was done quite well actually, with T'Pol being refilmed into the San Francisco scene). And then Hoshi steals a "romantic" dream of Trip from T'Pol's mind? With T'Pol obviously pretending like she doesn't know anything about it?... heh... I'm not normally a shipper, but I just can't help falling in love with the Trip and T'Pol relationship... and I don't know why...

Jolene Blalock has finally regained her touch. She really did seem like a Vulcan this episode, yet her old emotional self as well... She had some of her season one arrogance at the start, as Trip told her his world doesn't revolve around her (ouch...). And yet you could see in her eyes how damn hurt she was, and poor Trip knew it too... Now, out in the real Enterprise world, all T'Pol really did this episode was babysit the god-awful replacement for Trip, Commander Kelby... But in her mind, she was still babysitting Trip and only Trip, in a sexy kind of telepathic sexcraft sort of way... well, maybe "sexy" doesn't quite describe it... I mean, as a geek, I always dream of having a telepathic bond with the girls I have crushes on (though not in bland, white Matrix constructs that are ripped right off of Angel's White Room, but I digress...). And yet when Trip and T'Pol finally get what any geek truly wants, sharing the moment, they instead bitch at each other?! They tell each to leave their fantasy?!...

And how could I not adore Affliction, when the name of the episode obviously gave Phlox his first major episode of the season?... As usual, John Billingsley was the finest of actors, refusing to help the Klingons (yet we know he will... maybe by being infected by the virus himself, so the actor won't have to wear so much make-up in the future?)... Now, the reason why I didn't think I'd like Affliction, was because it would try to resolve the reasons why Klingons had no ridges in the Original Series. We all know it was because of low budgets back then, so why mess with Trek history?...

But Manny Coto really came through yet again. And give Phlox just as much credit for that, since he made it all sound credible... Now, it doesn't make much sense why Klingons ridges would disappear from a mutated virus containing Augment DNA. But I absolutely loved how this episode tied in with the Augments arc at the start of the season, I loved the joke about Brent Spiner's cell being too well guarded (so they got Phlox as their backup), I thought the Targ puppet was extremely well done... And dammit, no wonder this episode felt so fresh! We had Uncle Phil from the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, "euthanizing" patients with his lovely sitcom disruptor!... and yeah, Phlox's reaction to his live autopsy patient really made the scene incredible as well...

I assume that Phlox will find a way to stabilize the virus, so that all infected Klingons will lose their ridges and Augment strength or something?... the only question is, what's Section 31 got to do with all this?...

... yeah, I admit that I wasn't a huge fan of Deep Space 9. It was only a notch above Voyager as far as I'm concerned (except for the Dominion Wars), and I never cared for Bashir and his connections with Section 31...

But what can I say? I'm the no-name nostalgic, and I just help but get giddy at the fact, that Malcolm Reed may be one of the earliest members of Section 31 in Trek history...

Forget about the ridgeless Klingons sabotaging the ship. Forget about Trip dissing Ent's chef while on Columbia. And forget about how bad of a captain Hernandez seemed this episode (too bad we didn't get to hear her trade stories about having sex with Archer... ambiguously gay Malcolm from season one would've approved)... The real story, the real tension that I loved from Affliction, was the fact that Malcolm had gone traitor... and Captain Archer knew it...

Damn, what's going to happen to Reed now?... We'll never find out when or how he joined Section 31. But what we really care about, is where do his loyalties really lie?... I loved the actor's self-torment this episode. He looked so painfully torn in the brig, claiming he's said "too much", while Archer obviously realized that he didn't say anything at all... Will Reed reveal the truth about Section 31? Is he allowed to, considering the group was still unknown until the time of DS9?... Malcolm was literally begging Archer to let him help the ship near the end. And I just loved Airlock Archer this episode, looking so damn pissed off at the traitorous son of a bitch, that he probably would've thrown him out of the airlock if he had the time or chance... All the earlier scenes were done to near perfection. Archer was just so trusting of Reed, like a father, while we obviously saw the Klingon weapon signatures recognized on the security console...

So what happens now? We may all know the Enterprise will survive, and we all must know that Trip will return to Enterprise eventually, but...

... what about Reed? How will Hoshi fit into the Trip and T'Pol love triangle? And will Archer just look at his list of remaining friends, and realize that he's sadly really only got Mayweather left on the list?... Wow, sucks to be him then...

This is exactly the kind of non-stop tension that I loved from episodes like Regeneration, Azati Prime, and The Augments... and this is exactly the kind of tension, that I loved from Affliction... Sure, I can be disappointed by the lack of ship battles, or the wussiness of the MACOs, or how dumb the ridgeless Klingons looked, or how one dimensional the ever inept Commander Kelby was... I mean, he wasn't even a hick! How can Trip ever be properly replaced without a hick?...

... but I don't know... even though I came into this episode expecting the worst?...

Okay, if there's anything that I detest in sci-fi (besides cliche alternate universe stories), is the ever cliche alternate timeline story...

I mean, the Stargate writers got it right once before, with 1969... Because the only possible way that I approve of Time Travel, is through the bloody hell self-fulfilling prophecy, where it's impossible to change the damn past (you can only cause things to happen the way they happened)... But after 1969 got it right, the Stargate writers have gone all Terminator 2 on us, and changed their philosophy on time travel. I think I've already complained about it enough with Atlantis' Before I Sleep. And if I was writing reviews back during the fourth season of SG-1? Then I definitely would've ripped apart 2010 for all its worth... hell, that episode wasn't even fun...

The thing is, while time travel will always irk me, there are certain times and certain episodes, where what's happening on screen is damn entertaining enough to make me forget all about my egotistical pet peeves, at least for the time being... Terminator 2 is still one of my favourite movies of all time. And the first and third (not the bloody hell second) Back to the Futures are pretty much what started my love for sci-fi in the first place...

Moebius (Part 1) suffers from a lot of problems that befall the first half of Stargate two-parters... It was too slow moving at times, and definitely a bit low budget as well. I was all hyped up for the return of Ra, only to find that it all took place in a little temple so much smaller and less grand than what we got to see in the feature film... There was no action to speak of, and very little characterization for the main characters as well. We got to learn about the USAF Daedulus a bit, and we got to see Teal'c smile about Anubis finally being gone and all. But that's about it...

But even though Moebius featured the type of time travel that just drives me insane (and not in a sexy librarian sort of way), I still must admit that the episode won me over... It will definitely not go down as one of the best of Stargate. And it definitely ranks below New Order, Reckoning, Threads, and maybe even It's Good to be King for the eighth season overall and all... But I still enjoyed Moebius (Part 1) for what's it's worth - a cute, fun, nostalgic romp through the history of Stargate SG-1. It had wacky characters, wacky acting, and the return of so many guest stars from over the years, that it actually did turn out to be really funny...

Completely contrary to what I thought I'd like, I actually didn't enjoy the first half of the episode... Everything just felt so small, and completely not epic like Reckoning Part 2, or satisfying like Threads... Carter was just her usual self, taking charge of the group when it came to science. Sure, she looked cute (as she has since she got pregnant) in the desert and all, but really, her constant nagging did get on my nerves a bit... Teal'c was barely in the episode. The return of the Horus helmet was a nice nostalgic touch, but the Jaffa really didn't do anything else this episode besides smile at the destruction of the Replicators... Jack O'Neill (our O'Neill, at least) only had one good line... or two actually, when it came to 1908 and the Cubs actually winning the World Series... But those were basically his only half decent jokes, and I was more than just disappointed when they didn't even write any banter between him and Daniel...

And Daniel? Well, the whole funeral scene was rushed. I mean, Catherine Langford is dead! Why are the writers killing off everyone (with Bra'tac next year, I'm sure)?... The character didn't even get to return since the first season. And because of that, Daniel just didn't feel connected to her, besides the return of the Ra amulet thing and all. Hell, he didn't even seem to care much about Catherine's niece Sabrina (who like all SG-1 women for some odd reason, just can't compare to the super hot and horny gals every week on Atlantis...)... The first half of the episode just felt rushed, feeling like too much of a disconnected setup for the second half of the episode...

... luckily for the episode then, I actually really enjoyed the second half of the episode... and hopefully, I'll love Part 2 as well...

Teal'c was nowhere to be found in the alternate timeline, but thankfully we got the triumphant returns of General Hammond (a one star general now), Major Davis (with a really ugly mustache... must be hiding from his performance in Elektra...), and even Colonel Samuels (WTF? I guess that one episode stint on Battlestar got the actor a return gig after seven long years...)... Hammond was a bit weird, not showing the concern he normally does in episodes. I guess that's to be expected, considering he has yet to meet SG-1. But still, he didn't even show the contempt he showed in the SG-1 pilot either...

And even though he was only in for one scene, I really have to admit that Rodney MacKay once again, just like in 48 Hours and Redemption, truly stole the show. I mean, the alternate reality didn't even change him one bit (next to the lemon chicken thing). He still is a lovable pompous ass, he still has no manners with girls, and yet he still hits on Samantha Carter (who I must admit, did wear the sexy librarian thing very well...)... In a sense, MacKay's cameo was a bit too jarring, considering he was the only character who was almost exactly like his real timeline self. But hey, if there's one scene that never gets boring in this episode, it's MacKay in the Puddle Jumper... or Gateship 1, as he probably would've called it...

The alternative O'Neill had a boat named "Homer". That may not have gotten a laugh out of me, but all the other Simpsons references did (Carter not wanting to step on a bug, for example)... Hell, I'm half expecting Carter to see her nerdy self next episode and cry out, "I'm a nerd!", only for Daniel to look in the mirror and sigh out, "so am I..."... Still, I was still pissed off that O'Neill really didn't have any interactions with the alternate Daniel, really. There was a bit of banter on the boat, with the $150 per hour rental charge and all (they used up their frequent flyer miles for that?...). And you gotta love the fact that Sam and Daniel actually put on their life jackets to the extreme, but... For the most part? I guess it was nostalgic that Jack was back to his season one selfish, almost suicidal self. But without comedic writing, I just didn't really care for his character...

Alternate Daniel was quite a hoot though... Carlos and his "you make me so hot" comment was just so sudden, that I did crack up laughing... And was it just me, or did alternative timeline Daniel truly have more atrocious hair than his real self ever had?... Still, one thing was bugging me about Michael Shanks' performance the whole episode. Because to be honest, I think he acted more genuinely nerdy and geeky back in the first season of SG-1, than he did this episode (aside from the god-awful clothes that even I wouldn't wear, but I digress...)... Still, I did enjoy the look on his face when he was shot down by the ever arrogant MacKay. And he sort of did have that annoying "l337" geek look to him, when bragging about finding the second Stargate in Antarctica... Overall, I wasn't so hot on Daniel this episode (...). But even if his acting was "off", I still did enjoy the short term nostalgia from not having to deal with action hero Daniel for the first time in years...

... but it's true... no wonder I always side with MacKay... I seem to have his exact taste in women...

Now, maybe it's just because of the actress' pregnancy (since I have been attracted to her since It's Good to be King, for some odd reason), but damn was Amanda Tapping adorable this episode... I loved her little nerdy, shy mannerisms. I loved the way she scrunched her lips all the time. I loved the way she would fiddle with her fingers and glasses. And believe it or not, I actually loved her hair this episode. WTF?!... And oh yeah, she had a lot of great moments as well. The life jacket ruining her hair was one, and just her little chortle while explaining her day job at National Aerospace, was Winifred Burkle adorable to me... And finally, Amanda Tapping gets to make fun of the "reproductive organs on the inside" line, the single awful line that almost made her quit the show in the bloody hell first season (along with Emancipation... what were the writers thinking?...)... Her character was just so chock full of little quips and cutesy mannerisms, not to mention the best of SG-1 trivia and nostalgia (earthqukes in Antarctica, MacKay creeping her out all over again, etc...)... Hell, even the obvious pregnancy bulge on her belly helped make this episode into one of the funnest that SG-1 has ever produced, and one of the absolute best Amanda Tapping episodes I have ever adored in my life as well...

Yeah, Carter made this episode for me. And just the overall feel of the second half of the episode, almost as if the writers were reliving the entire first season of SG-1, was just a wonderful gift to the fans (even if in my opinion, the first season sucked ass)... Sure, I wish the first half of the episode was better paced. Sure, I wish that Ra and Egypt didn't seem as damn tiny and barren as Abydos did in season six, but...

... and I've always been a sucker for obsessive, compulsive, giddy, cute girls...

... and no wonder I actually paid to see Elektra... but let us never speak of that again...

Y2kk Update: - Smallville: Krypto small Smallville Week in Review (Spoilers) -

Well, the Litmus test has now officially been in effect for two weeks now. And the final results?...

... a) The Toronto Raptors suck, having lost to the damn Bulls... again... and b) Lois Lane really does seem to be the only saving grace of Smallville these days... because, well?...

"... Old man Kent got his ass kicked, by old man Yeller dogs? WTF?... What the hell is this? A post-modern, dark and disturbed remake of Lassie?... which sadly would probably sell in this day and age, mind you..."

... and, well... to be honest? I do definitely want to make fun of this episode. I mean, Krypto sounded like it would be a really bad episode. And for a lot of its scenes, it definitely was... Lana Lane may not have been in more than one or two scenes, but I hated her with a passion every moment she was on screen. No other actress can look as bitchy as her with a single look - not a single one, and that's saying something... And then of course, you had the round circle of pointless talk between Lex, Jason, and Mrs. Teague all over again, with none of their incoherent babble going anywhere. The only thing that saved those scenes from complete mediocrity, was the single scene return of Lionel Luthor, who may not have forwarded the plotline very much, but finally seemed to have gotten back a bit of that old skool sinistre that the show has been sorely missing all season long...

And Clark? Well, he was hit and miss this episode... I hated Lassie when I was young. I preferred The Black Stallion, thank you very much... So obviously I didn't care a damn bit about Krypto the dog this episode... I mean, sure I got a few chuckles from seeing the dog pull a tractor through a fence. And sure, as cheesy as it was, at least Clark finally looked happy as he was throwing that frisbee in the end (guess he gets over the death of girlfriends really damn quickly...)... But c'mon, already! Pretty much all the scenes of just Clark and the dog were just plain boring in the end. The entire truck and gasoline scene barely had any speech or special effects whatsoever. The music just couldn't hold my interest, as Clark just sat around, gathering his breath for what seemed like forever as the truck blew up around his face... There was no suspense to that scene, and no comedy either. And most of the episode was the exact same thing... Sure, I got a kick or two out of Martha Kent loving "Shelly" so much, if only because it was a welcome change of pace from her real bitchy Lana Lane mode as of late... but really...

If there's anything that this season of Smallville (and the past three seasons, actually) have proved without a shadow of a doubt, it's that Tom Welling and Clark Kent just can't make an episode interesting by themselves...

Sure, her allergy scenes were both cheesy and sneezy. And sure, some of her lines felt forced (although I did still get a kicker of "you're so weird at times", when it came to Clark wanting to run his way to the robbery)... But hey, how can you not enjoy the actress' performance, when she proved beyond a shadow of a doubt at just how annoying women drivers are?... She provided every damn entertaining scene in the episode, from picking up the dog she hit in the most awkward of manners, to driving at ridiculously slow speeds, to absolutely being utterly Lois Lane clueless as Chloe and Clark were just making excuses for the tractor going all weird on the fence... And Chloe herself? Yeah, she may not have been in many scenes, with one of them being completely ruined by Lana's complete, pinpoint bitchery. But I still can't help rolling on the floor in laughter, every time she tries to con Clark into confiding his secret in her, only for him to go "oh shit!" and act all gay, as if Chloe was making a pass at him... How many times is Clark going to go all spineless and clueless? How many times has he already done that right now?...

There's really not much to talk about Krypto, because it really wasn't much of an episode... You had the cliche evil vet guy, with the cliche not-so-evil little brother (which went nowhere, by the way). You had some more circular scenes with Lex, where once again Clark never seems to visit his friend except to pump him for information in heavily contrived and rude ways... And then you had a few extra timbits of info about the Isabelle witch fiasco. And judging from the WB promo for next week's Chinatown episode, I'm thinking that I'm going to have a hell of a lot to complain about come next Wednesday...

But hey, I still somehow enjoyed Krypto, to some extent at least... Lois Lane and her utterly cocky stupidity, has given her the best of banter relationships with Clark. Because no matter how cheesy her lines may be written ("Maybe I'm allergic to you"), the actress just always shines through in having perfect chemistry with Clark... Sure, I wish Erica Durance was as good looking as that super hot and horny, brunette college girl from last week. But hey, if Lois Lane can really make any episode of Smallville into a bearable one, Krypto included?...

Well, I'm obviously still bitter about the loss of Star Trek Enterprise... and couple that with the soap opera antics behind my goddam Toronto Raptors (not to mention a horrible midterm, test, and huge ass university project that I still have to do this weekend), then I guess I haven't exactly been having the greatest of weeks...

I was hoping that Enterprise would save me to some extent, just like Stargate did with Threads... the thing is, even though it was still a solid episode, The Aenar was probably one of the weakest episodes of the fourth season so far, right down there with Daedulus and Home...

I mean, sure it still had some great character development, though that was more for the shippers than it was for us Trekkers... And I will mostly avidly admit just how wondrous Andoria really was - an imaginative world full of ice, containing a subspecies with one of the coolest (literally) of towns... reminded me of Canada this winter actually, if you stripped away all the practical technology...

But I don't know... was it me, or did this episode just feel disconnected from the rest of the Andorian-Romulan arc for some strange reason? Was it me, or did the episode completely lack the epic nature that the first two episodes in the arc did?... Where were the Tellarites? Where were the Vulcans? Where was the Federation?... And if it wasn't for Shran with a lopsided pair of antennae, you wouldn't know that the Andorians were involved as well... Even with the return of the Romulan holographic ships, The Aenar just felt like an appendum to the Romulan arc, and not really of the arc itself... sort of like comparing The Aenar to the Andorians, actually...

Now, character wise, Enterprise really did feel like season two and three old skool... After three straight weeks of having a ton of lines each, Reed, Hoshi, and especially Mayweather were smacked firmly back down to their usual places with pretty much no lines whatsoever... On the other hand, Phlox got in probably one of his strongest performances since the Augments arc (or Observer Effect, actually). But really, he didn't provide much as a doctor. In the spirit of the second season, the Denubolan really acted as a pimp again, providing a Sex Doctor Sue sort of vibe when it came to Tucker's romance-in-the-workplace woes... And T'Pol? Well, she strangely acted both bitchy and Vulcan at the same time. She sure as hell seemed PMSed when she bickered out "Trip". Yet for most of the rest of the episode? She actually seemed calm (though annoyed) around him, as if she were her Vulcan self from season one all over again... I mean, I know that all women can be bitches (or all women are bitches, actually...). And she was basically ignoring him like any cold ex would... Still, if Jolene Blalock's job this episode was to make us feel horrible for Trip, then she should be commended for pulling through with Lana Lang flying colours. I mean, even my poor heart melted like ice at poor Tucker's face, when he was hoping T'Pol had thought of him near death, instead of just auxiliary power transfers...

Archer was definitely in a lot of scenes with Shran, and he definitely did seem confident as a captain should. But probably his only memorable scene was when he opened up his mind to The Aenar. His awkwardness as his mind was being scanned and commented on got a chuckle or two out of me, but that was basically all the captain did that I remembered... This episode really belonged to Trip Tucker the third instead. And even if there weren't really many space explosions or epic musical scores roaring in the background, I was still definitely entertained by The Aenar, if only because of Trinneer's amazing acting... Yes, my heart sank when he opened up to T'Pol about his near death thoughts, only to get bitchslapped back in the face for a response. And his final conversation with Archer, where he requested a transfer?... The acting was amazing between the two there. You could sense the trust that the two long time friends had, and you couldn't definitely see that Archer knew what was really going on (although he didn't try to pimp T'Pol out like Phlox did earlier). You could really see the pain in Tucker's face, and yet?... you could almost understand why he wanted to leave for the Columbia...

... though my goal remains the same: to conquer thy enemy, and to hear the cries and lamentations of their women...

Now, The Aenar was definitely worlds weaker than the first two episodes in the Romulan arc. But even so, some great scenes with Shran (I didn't care much for his molesting of the Aenar girl, but I did love his arrogant pride as he chose to rip his leg off of an ice pick all by himself), some absolutely beautiful CG sequences of the underground Aenar community, the creativity of some of the Andorian landscapes (the world looked too damn close to my own Canadian driveway for its own good, but at least the boiling worms were kind of cool), and the episode was definitely saved by some truly stellar acting from Trip Tucker the third in the end... While the Romulans were pretty much on the backburner this episode, I still enjoyed the final fight with the two Marauders quite a bit. It was kind of anti-climactic compared to the last episode, but the emotion in that scene still just somehow worked...

The Aenar wasn't a great episode by any means. It definitely wasn't even episode-of-the-week quality. But it was definitely solid in the end, still... an episode that I enjoyed, but didn't particularly like...

Now, if only this episode had aired in the goddam Canadian summer instead of the winter, then maybe I wouldn't be so damn coldly bitter towards the -28 degree temperatures... or the goddam cold bitch women I know, but I digress...

I've never been a 'shipper for any show. On the contrary rather - I've been more of an anti-shipper in my Buffy and Angel reviews than even I think I probably should've been in my heyday...

Which may explain why I didn't seem to enjoy Threads that much the first time around... I mean, I can sort of see why the SG-1 writers refused to cut the episode down to an hour, considering pretty much every moment in the diner had a lot of meaning to it... There was definitely more than an hour's worth of good writing here in Threads, but it just didn't seem like it stretched well to the full hour and a half. There were just so many pointless scenes, of Sam in the car with Pete, or O'Neill alone with Kerry in bed, that it all just didn't seem to keep the episode interesting in my eyes... not the first time, at least... afterall, I've never been a 'shipper...

... but the second time I watched this episode? I was still disappointed a bit by the lack of action, but still... Threads did turn out to be a great episode, the second best of the season behind last week's Reckoning Part 2. And to be honest?... Even more so than the Lost City and Reckoning, Threads really did feel like it would've made a great series finale to the show. It just tied up so many loose threads... hence the name of the episode, of course...

Teal'c has had a lot of episodes to himself over the years. But I really think Threads was his best performance since at least Changeling, despite the fact that he wasn't in many scenes... He had a great rapport with Bra'tac, that really felt like a father and son relationship at times. It felt great when the old man was feeling proud of him, and Teal'c even drew a snicker from me when he joked about 50 years down the road... And yes, even if the CG wasn't the greatest, I still felt a sense of epic greatness at the sight of an entire Jaffa legion cheering at Teal'c's presence. The bowing scene may have been cliche, but just somehow worked with the music... And all the little dialogue moments, about anarchy and the Jaffa rebellion refusing to destroy the weapon (a scene ruined by a stupid cellphone bit, by the way), both provided closure to the Jaffa rebellion plotline, yet kept it open for so many possible storylines next season... Sure, I was disappointed that there was no action to speak of this episode. The whole Tartarus ambush thing was such an obvious trap that it rolled my eyes, and we didn't even get a showdown with Anubis or anything... but... you know what? Just from the feel of all those Dakara scenes, I think I was proud of Teal'c too. A lot has changed in the man over eight years, and I'm not just talking about the hair...

Now, Carter was absolutely the worst done character this episode. I am an anti-shipper, afterall... Most of her scenes with Pete were useless. I mean, sure I laughed a bit at the awkwardness of Pete meeting her father, but for the most part? I mean, her cell phone works 30 stories underground? WTF?... I get what a lot of her Pete moments were for - the car ride and the house were to slowly show us how the wedding would've been a big mistake. But I just didn't give a damn... The only thing I cared for, was the death of Jacob Carter. We all saw that he hunched over in pain last episode, but to be honest, I never expected him to die. And while some Jacob supporters on the net now hate this episode for his demise, I personally found his scenes to provide some great closure to his character (but why the hell did he keep saying "four years"? He had cancer SIX years ago, goddammit...)... Carmen left the show as a catalyst for the Sam and Jack relationship to come, I suppose. It was a nice continuation of Grace, to be precise... And while I certainly would've preferred Carter to be more emotional when Jacob was actually dying, I can't deny the fact that I really did feel some emotion from the two of them when Jacob was first seen on that hospital bed. Carter sounded so fake when she heard Selmac was dying, yet when she learned that Jacob would die with his symbiot?... well, that was the only great thing the actress did this episode. Because I sure as hell ain't gonna comment on her bitchy reaction to Pete somehow leaving his dream girl and house with dignity...

Jack O'Neill was a bit off this episode... Now, Kerry looked like a complete whore of a slut, with that face and hair and voice and all. And except for that silk blouse she was wearing, she wasn't even hot at all - why can't the SG-1 people get super hot and horny girls like Atlantis and Smallville always seem to find in Vancouver?... But at least Kerry didn't last long. In fact, she even was too nice for the bitch she looked like, when she told Jack to retire just to be with Carter... Now, I hated every shipper moment Jack had this episode. He didn't even seem close to Carter as they were holding hands (even though I know that picture shall be framed by shippers everywhere). And except for the beer flying, he didn't seem interested in the script as he was BBQing to the sound of Carter's bridal unhappiness... Still, RDA did provide a couple of great scenes still. I loved how he refused to give Daniel a memorial service. I mean, ever since the first season (when Daniel already got his 2nd memorial, with the 1st being after the movie I'm sure...), how many times has Daniel actually gotten captured, injured, or died, needing a sarcophagus, ascension, or miracle to get back to the SGC? Too many times to count, actually...

It was great how Jack wouldn't fall for it this time. Which is exactly why the show just felt so... I dunno... old skool magical, when Daniel showed up naked once again (to the picture framing of D/J shippers everywhere, I'm sure...). And the final scene of fishing at Jack's place? I don't know, everything just felt like family there again. Maybe it was just my own personal nostalgic along with the SG-1 music and all, but... it just felt like a great scene to end the season, or even the series with... although we're not quite done yet...

But the real reason why I ended up falling in love with Threads, was simply because of Daniel and the Matrix-like construct of the diner... Mel Harris did a great job at playing a waitress of an enlightenment guide. And who didn't love the "Ascension Times", with yoga NOT being the path to enlightenment (damn straight), and two Wraith ships on their way to Atlantis?... Now, I knew who "Jim" was as soon as he said he was different. I never thought Anubis could be represented so well by a jolly, fat old man in a business suit, but I was proven wrong... But even knowing the Usual Suspects twist, I still enjoyed the performance between all three actors in those scenes. This was a much better episode than Meridian, simply because Daniel refused to go along with all the crap enlightenment stuff. He was there on a mission to help the galaxy, and great lines like, "it's wrong" and "that's what you said the last time" with a smile, really makes it hard to determine whether Threads or Reckoning was a better performance from Michael Shanks...

Yes, I will still complain that Threads was definitely anti-climatic. Couldn't the diner at least have shifted to the weapon on Dakara for the Oma and Anubis battle, instead of just being a second or two of glowing light in the diner?... Still, I will gladly admit that I loved the scene regardless, if only because of the great camera work when it came to all the other ascended finally paying attention to what was going on... Threads really deserved to be watched a second time, because the idea behind it was so crafty. All the "interfering" ascended we've seen had been punished for their actions - Orlin with his exile, and the Atlantis Blade girl only being able to help her own people. So what was Oma's punishment? And, well, now we have it... The Ascended let Anubis wreak havoc on the galaxy, even allowing him to "cheat" by using his Ancient knowledge to some degree. They wanted Oma to fix her own damn mistake; they wanted her to take Anubis out herself, and get rid of herself in the process... to kill two birds with one stone... And sure, it was damn arrogant and childish of the Ancients to do that. But I loved the whole discovery process Daniel went through to get to this conclusion (even if he never really said it outloud). I loved his scenes with Oma, with her refusing to admit that she helped Anubis ascend. And his scenes with Jim were spectacular as well, if only because a) Anubis' love for coffee was sure as hell sweet, and b) you gotta love Jim's acting, whenever he snapped his fingers or smiled like an evil Santa Claus...

Threads definitely at times felt fifteen minutes too long. And I really couldn't care less about seeing Sam in flower turmoil, or an ancient looking RDA waking up in bed with a red headed, airheaded slut... But hey, the Jacob death thing was handled superbly. Heck, we even got some great new backstory to the Ancients (I assume they fled in Atlantis to the Pegasus Galaxy, shortly before reseeding life in the Milky Way with the device on Dakara, which would work well with the Missing Link of Evolution theories too...). And I really can't find a fault in any single scene in the diner. Daniel, Oma and Jim were all just that damn good, that it was really no wonder why the writers couldn't cut this episode down to a single hour or less...

Threads won't go down as my favourite episode of all time, or even of the season. But hey, I'll still always appreciate this episode... because unlike almost any other Stargate SG-1 episode before it (and not since any episode or "finale" since TNG's All Good Things, actually), Threads really did give me a sense of real closure...

... I don't know why... but for the first time in the longest while, instead of just wanting more from the end?... I actually kinda smiled in satisfaction... and kinda in enlightened contentment as well...

Y2kk Update: - Smallville: Recruit small Smallville Week in Review (Spoilers) -

Okay, I think it's settled. The show is automatically better somehow, as long as Lois Lane is in each and every episode...

... because quite frankly? Even with yet another boring, stale freak of the week formula, still... well?...

"Clark gets mobbed by super horny, hot college fucking girls... and he still doesn't get it on? What the fuck?!... balls of steel, indeed..."...

Really, that brunette that was literally the icing on the cake? Hot damn, was she ever looking fuckable as hell. And yet Clark still didn't lay his hands on her? What the hell is wrong with him?...

... cue jokes about him being alone with a guy in his barn... it's always a barn...

... but anyhew, I guess you know Lois Lane really does make every single episode better, when even though Clark seemed like a complete dumbass all throughout Recruit (sort of like how bad The Recruit was), I still ended up liking the show somehow... In that college dorm bedroom scene, it was all saved by a) obviously, how damn hot and horny the brunette was to me, and b) the comedy that Lois provided, with her commentary on the dieting diary and all... And that wasn't the only scene she was great in... Even though it was cliche, I still laughed at how gullible Clark was to Lois' tongue-in-cheek manipulations in the barn. Although it rolls the eyes to think Lois actually seems happy to be kicked out of MetU, I still gotta hand it to the writers, for somehow getting the word "hobo" to fit properly into the context of the show... I didn't even like the premise of the whole episode, with Lois being framed for murder. But hey, something about Erica Durance's performance was still great, even with her stiff upper lip underwater and all...

... of course, the rest of the episode wasn't exactly Hemingway or diary class theatre, as always...

Lana Lang was once again a complete bitch. I mean, WTF is still up with the candles in her room? WTF was she wearing? And WTF is the problem with her, always being bitchy in every single scene she's in?... But at least Jason Teague got some decent moments in with Lex Luther... Now, Lionel was nowhere to be found again. But I didn't particularly mind this time around... I mean, sure Jason and Lex basically got nowhere in their over-stretched conversation about absolutely nothing. Essentially, they were just regurgitating their lines from the last episode (and honestly, how the hell can Jason possibly resist a $100,000 US job with a damn fine car, that requires almost no real work whatsoever?...)... But at least I do enjoy the core plotline behind it all. I'm disappointed that Lex isn't slowly turning into Clark's enemy as he was for the first half of the season, but it's nice to know that the Kryptonian stone story hasn't been completely forgotten. And that maybe, just maybe, that horrible witch episode (the one episode that even Lois Lane couldn't save) won't be a complete waste to the series...

I'm going to ignore the freak of the week here, because a) I hate the OC, and b) I hated his performance as the over-pressured college cock of a jock this episode... But I will give the writers credit for one thing. If only thanks to Lois Lane and Chloe, I thought Clark Kent put in a good performance as the guy who really gave up his dream to do the right thing... Who wouldn't want to be worshipped in front of 60,000 fans every week, right? But after a ton of boring scenes, with Mr. OC playing possum with a pillow and everything, Clark slowly learned the truth: you can't always control yourself, when you want to win so badly... Now, everything Tom Welling did for the first 40 minutes of the episode was just plain awful. I was bored out of my tears, except when Lois cracked a joke or two on screen... But once Clark realized the truth, he really did bring forth some pretty damn strong scenes (just like he did back in that HS championship match episode way back). Finally, his parents made some sense (although it was weird as hell how nobody even mentioned whats-her-name's death from last episode). And the last shot, of him simply standing silent in the football stadium, was a hell of a lot better than most of the whining and bitching we've gotten from the cast and crew all season long... plus, I liked watching the scenery of Vancouver as they were driving by... always a fun time...

And hell, Lois Lane seems to be really infectious when it comes to making the rest of the characters actually interesting on the show... Because I personally couldn't even keep track of how many times I laughed at Clark's "oh shit" looks when it came to Chloe. And I mean that in a good way... Now, Chloe hasn't really ever had a plotline in the series next to being the odd girl out. But damn, am I ever enjoying how damn dipshit dumb Clark is whenever Ms. Sullivan lays a not so subtle hint... Hell, I've already watched this episode twice, and already I've balled out laughing twice at how fucking clueless Clark was when he commented "you've been saying a lot of weird things lately"... Well, duh, Mr. Met-U... And Chloe of course had a great response, not feeling bad at all that Clark won't confide in her. Instead, the actress really did seem proud of him, and maybe a little bit horny as well... Somehow, there was real chemistry between the two there. Instead of all those annoying moments where Chloe detests Clark for not telling her a thing, she actually seemed to trust him now. Ironically enough... and it worked...

... I guess Lois Lane really was the one thing that this series actually needed...

... I mean fuck, I'm in university... why the hell can't I get an uber-sexy brunette like that?...

... because yes, if you somehow haven't heard the news yet, Star Trek Enterprise has been canceled... Sure, UPN will finish off the season. And I guess the show's move to Friday spelled doom for the series long before any official announcement was ever made, but still...

... goddammit, this was supposed to be a perfect week of sci-fi for me... Stargate SG-1 has one of its best episodes in years. Stargate Atlantis truly finished off its first season with one hell of an epic bang. And hell, even Smallville wasn't bad this week, as strange as that sounds to say...

... and then we got United... a title with a name completely filled with irony, if you consider what happened to the show itself this week...

Now, to be honest, I didn't enjoy United as much as I did Babel One. There wasn't much of a space battle in this middle episode of the arc, and some scenes felt too TOS nostalgic for their own good (the duel with Shran, for example)... But United really did feel united with all its scenes, and all its glory. The feel, flow, and pacing of the episode was completely unrivaled, even compared to most of Enterprise's spectacular fourth season. And I'd by lying if I said that the final scene of the episode with the United Alliance Fleet around Enterprise, didn't give me goosebumps as a follower of the Trek universe since TNG...

... it's just such a fucking shame, that Enterprise is being canceled just when the show is finally hitting its true stride...

... it took TNG three years to become good, it took Deep Space 9 four years to become great... and Voyager?... well...

Because if United is any indication of where the series is headed? Then sign me up for every single friggin' Save Enterprise petition out there on the net... There were just so many interesting things going on in this episode that all somehow made sense, knowing what the final outcome will be centuries into the future... I mean, George Lucas should really pay attention. The building of the alliance, with every single race hating each other yet trusting Captain Archer, has been written so damn well this season... that Enterprise really does feel like a truly epic and worthy prequel series for once...

Now, there were certainly a bunch of WTF moments throughout United, with Mayweather actually getting lines being the biggest of them all... Hell, he was even useful for once. He got a few key moments on the bridge, he invented some sort of sensor network system (although he didn't even get to talk about it), and WTF? He actually kinda asked Hoshi out on a date to look at Andorian dueling pads? And he actually got lines in that scene? WTF?!... And Hoshi did too, not that I'm complaining that the Hottie was on screen more than once... Her skills weren't used very much this episode, but the whole talk about "marriage" with Mayweather somehow created a weird sense of suspense and awkwardness to the scene, that just somehow captured my attention... And was it me, or did Hoshi look damn cute as she was using that Andorian Ice Pick as a black belt weapon or something?... well, maybe it was just me...

T'Pol was in the background most of the time, and pretty much seemed useless as she was worshipping Archer's shadow. But hey, it actually felt natural for once this episode, considering season four really has made Archer into a figure that suddenly looks like a key founder of the Federation of Planets... And Phlox? Well, of course I wish the actor got more screen time. But for the limited scenes he has, John Billingsley always manages to shine, creating a sense of sadness to Talas' death that really, quite honestly, surprised the hell out of me... I never saw her death coming... hell, I was even going to comment last week that her injury was pointless because it led nowhere. I'm just glad I was proven wrong... and that I forgot to open my big mouth last week anyhew...

Now, I don't really mind that Blalock and Phlox have been kinda underused this arc. Not when Malcolm and Trip finally got to take center stage by kicking some ass and taking some names... Now, some of their moments felt forced, providing the only flaw in the overall flow of the episode. Trip's joke about writing up a reprimand in Malcolm's record kind of came out of nowhere, but hey, I laughed anyways. Malcolm probably doesn't even know that the word "gullible" isn't found in the dictionary... The two definitely had some great scenes on the Romulan Camaflouge ship. They never got a real buddy to buddy moment, but it was fun as hell to finally hear Reed admit that Trip's good at building things, and he's good at blowing stuff up... Using the phase pistol as a bomb was a nice touch (but why didn't they try to sabotoge the ship as it was firing at Enterprise again?...), and you gotta love the sheer seasickness of seeing the weird, strafing Romulan ship making circles with the stars outside the window hatch... And of course, Malcolm and Trip truly had a star-studded moment after jumping right out of the Romulan ship. Now that was cool, with the neat visual effects of the Alliance Fleet and Enterprise hovering in the background... I've always loved the friendship between Trip and Malcolm, and I've always adored the chemistry between the two actors...

It's such a fucking shame that after just seven or more episodes, the two may never be seen again... I guess things can get worse afterall...

And Archer? Yes, I guess I can complain that he was overly cocky and arrogant quite a bit. For a second there, I was rolling my eyes at his whole "alliance of planets" speech. When suddenly it hit me... Last season, he did hear the founding members of the Federation of Planets. And suddenly, his speech made a hell of a lot more sense... suddenly, all of his actions made a hell of a lot more sense... Everything he did, he did for the dream of the Federation of Planets this episode, an ideal he didn't even care about a season before. And the change in character was just so damn apparent this episode, that it just somehow made every scene with Bakula into something momentous... Take his scene with Shran in his quarters for example. I loved the way the two were talking, both as friends, and suddenly as mortal enemies as well. Plus, the whittling of the wood was neat... Archer was willing to risk his life for the future of the Federation. And while a season ago, I would've found that to be so damn pompous, somehow Bakula and Combs made it just feel so damn real on screen...

Yes, United did have a few flaws, notably stale Romulan characters, the return of ugly Reman costumes, a Romulan ship that was just too powerful for its own good, and perhaps a rushed ending (with the Tellarite and Andorian handshake)... But there were simply so many damn fine scenes, from Shran's reaction to Talas' death, to his battle with Archer (which was ridiculously funny by the way, steel chain WWE wrestling style), to hell, even a great moment of comic relief, with one half of Shran's antennae cut in half. I mean, even I have to admit, I didn't expect that to happen... The Tellarites weren't nearly as humorous as they were last episode, but even the ambassador got a good line in when it came to insulting humanity as a whole... And damn, did I mention how beautiful the scene of the Alliance fleet of ships looked to me? I haven't gotten goosebumps from an episode since Azati Prime, but I certainly got them in spades this time around... because United was just that damn good...

... well... if Enterprise is going out... at least it's going out the way every series dreams of doing...

... as a great series that truly capped off one of the best damn weeks in the history of science fiction television...

... or at least, it would've been one of the greatest weeks... if only there was some hope left for a fifth season of the show...

Y2kk Update: - Stargate Atlantis: The Siege (Part 2) and Stargate SG-1: Reckoning (Part 2) Reviews (Spoilers) -

It's such a goddam Greek tragedy, that this week was absolutely tainted by the announced (though quite expected) demise of my ever beloved, Star Trek Enterprise... it was pretty much the only damper, on what was possibly the greatest week of sci-fi I've ever seen in years...

And what made this week so great?... probably because of the best overall week of Stargate episodes, period...

Atlantis has exceeded all my expectations from its first season alone, which is why I was so disappointed at how stretched out and sloth moving the first part of The Siege was... But even though the second half of the two parter was not much more than a popcorn flick, it still provided possibly the best damn action I have ever seen from Stargate, period. And possibly one of the best damn fight scenes I've ever seen, in pretty much all my recent years of science fiction watching...

The only problem with The Siege (Part 2) was the fact that it didn't feel exactly like an Atlantis episode should. Instead of focusing on its main characters and developing them throughout the course of the hour, the episode honed in on Col. Everett, who quite possibly was the most annoying and cocky Hick that Stargate as a series has ever seen (though Kinsey comes close)... His introduction completely made me roll my eyes, as he treated Weir and everyone else not just with disrespect, but with a childish sort of wife-beating snide...

There were obviously some dumb moments in The Siege (Part 2), with Everett filling in most of them... Why the hell didn't they drop the space mines with Puddle Jumpers after the Hive Ships were already too close to do anything about it? Or why not use Naquada Generators instead of piss poor Genii nukes, pulling a Hot Zone and exploding them in orbit rather than having to go all suicidal for a fucking cliffhanger... And why the hell does Earth care so much about defending Atlantis anyways? You'd think they'd just cut their losses and keep the ZPM to fight the Goa'uld and Replicators, but no... guess General O'Neill really does love those Ancient databases, now doesn't he?...

I understand that Everett was trying to quickly take command and show who was boss, but did the writers really have to mix that kind of ugly dialogue in with quite possibly the weirdest colonel voice I have heard since the American Civil War?... Still, I guess it's a true testament to the strength of the writing, when I actually felt horrible for Everett when he was staring down a Wraith at the end (why the hell he didn't bring a Zat gun, I will never know... even if Wraith are resistant to electricity, at least his sidearm wouldn't run out of damn ammo...)... It was about the time that Everett became honest, about how he felt about Sheppard and how he fired the shot that killed Col. Sumner, that for some damn reason, I started to feel sorry for the cocky bastard of a guy. From that point on, Everett felt like a real character, and not just an extra red shirt ready to die... hell, he even felt like quite a softy, with his offering of drinks and cuddling of Weir as Wraith Darts blew up in the night sky...

Sure, one can argue that all that really happened, was a bunch of idiot Marines wasting machine gun ammo on Darts that couldn't possibly be downed by anything other than a Stinger missile... But damn, was the atmosphere and intensity of the scene just amazing. Not only did The Siege prey on my obsession with electromagnetic rail guns (that had turret controls that looked like they were ripped right off of the Star Wars Death Star or something, but I digress...), but just the beautiful CG effect of seeing the city power down and then light up the night sky with flares and firepower, just somehow brought out the giddy fanboy in me... The Wraith were everywhere. Hundreds of them. Literally, on screen at once... And while I don't get why there were Ancient drone missiles in the air before MacKay got the chair working (unless there were Puddle Jumpers somewhere in the battle), I simply cannot deny the fact... that the Atlantis city CG model looks so damn cool, with Darts soaring everywhere, and Wraith beaming onto balconies, that it really does put to shame even my beloved Enterprise these days... I may not have found the second battle nearly as amazing (thanks to the daylight setting, perhaps), but even so...

... damn, I want a rail gun... 10 000 round magazines?... wow... size does matter...

And while I obviously adored The Siege (Part 2) as an action whore, it's not like any characters were pretty much ignored either... Lt. Ford may not have gotten many lines. But he pulled off a nice Cuba Gooding Jr. when it came to his Pearl Harbor-like, taking over of the turret controls (but WTF was Ford doing in the base at the start of the attack then?...). It also seems that he was captured at the end of the episode - chances are, he'll find a way to escape and destroy the Wraith Hive ships from the inside or something, but I'll save that speculation for another day... Teyla actually got to look pretty for once in her battle training (ponytails do help the actress, I guess). And as cheesy as it was, earning Everett's respect and all did somehow feel appropriate... and it seems she was captured by the Wraith without putting up much of a fight as well at the end... poor gal just can't catch a break, now can she?...

Both parts of The Siege may not have had nearly as much comedy as I had hoped they would bring, but there's no denying that MacKay and his fellow scientists had a ton of brilliant lines throughout the whole damn episode... Beckett got to revert back to his fear of musical chairs. I laughed out loud when MacKay said he couldn't even do any damage if he tried, since all the drones were depleted. And yet still Beckett seemed hesitant to get in the glowing chair... Dr. Zelenka didn't get any great scenes to himself. But hey, as the sidekick nemesis to MacKay, his presence was more than welcome... And Dr. MacKay himself? I just loved the way he completely ignored Everett for half the episode. And he brought up some techie facts that just brought out the whore in me, like the Mark 2 Naquada Generator and the USAF Daedulus Battlecruiser on its way to Pegasus... But really, every single scene he was in just felt great, even without the techie speeches and slurs. His raw, sleep deprived anger as he was fixing atomic bombs was just priceless. And c'mon, even if I criticized him last week for his generic "oh shit" looks, he really did look concerned for Sheppard as he just sped away to a suicidal puddle jumper...

Now, Dr. Weir wasn't nearly as annoying as she normally is, half because she wasn't really in command anymore, and half because there weren't any super-sexy guest star women on the show to supplant her (although that ultra cute Atlantis worker in the background did come close...). I obviously felt her scenes with the Genii were the only real flaws in the formula of the episode, but even they didn't feel like much of a waste of time, considering I got a real kicker of a laugh at how 1950s sci-fi their prototype A-bombs looked... Dr. Weir did get her one shippy look of the episode quota in with Sheppard, as he was leaving for the Puddle Jumper. Poor gal keeps giving moon eyes to the rough and tumble guy... Sheppard himself certainly felt different this episode, considering he was no longer in charge. And somehow, I liked the change - his disrespect for the chain of command finally felt real, rather than forced whenever it came to Weir... His actions when it came to Col. Sumner were finally challenged in full, and I think the actor did an even better job of making the telepathic chair seem real, than even O'Neill did last season... but as for that ending...

We all know that Sheppard will survive somehow (Daedulus or the Asgard arrive in time?). We all know Teyla will be fine, considering her acting contract is secure... as for Everett, I don't really know his fate, but I think he's already been casted for the start of season two... and, well... the only real question mark is Lt. Ford, yet even for him, we know he'll return in some fashion next season (though not as a regular)...

SO WHY THE FUCK DID THEY HAVE TO GIVE US A CLIFFHANGER?!?... fucking son of a bitch...

The Siege (Part 2) may not have been a perfect episode, if only because of an obnoxious Everett and a lack of comedy and characterization from pretty much half of the cast and crew... But seriously, it was one of the most exciting and most suspenseful Stargate episodes that I have ever seen in my fucking life, ranking it right up there with the absolute best of The Serpent's Lair, The Fifth Race, Nemesis, and last year's The Lost City... Hell, if it wasn't for the first half of The Siege feeling so damn slow, I'd probably rate this year's two parter as even being better than The Lost City, which I dearly loved with all my fanboy heart...

The Siege had great acting, a strong script, a superb soundtrack, perfect pacing, a truly epic flow, and some of the best fucking military action that I have ever seen from a sci-fi series in my entire damn life... or any series or movie, for that matter...

... if Stargate SG-1's Reckoning (Part 2) had aired on any other week of the year, it would've been an absolute shoe-in for the best damn episode of the week award from me... but as it stands right now, Reckoning will simply have to settle for best episode of SG-1's entire season to date... although considering my opinion of season eight so far, that's not saying a hell of a lot...

... but it should... because I sure as hell reckon, that Reckoning (Part 2) was simply goddam great...

What can I really say about this episode? This was SG-1, finally at its finest again... Sure, it still suffered from a lot of the same flaws as New Order and Reckoning (Part 1) did, with a slightly rushed overall feel, and some really cheap looking sets (not to mention CG effects that are more of a teaser than anything else... dots on screen, anyone? Both in space, and on the computer screens...). But does it really matter, when finally the entire cast and crew actually seemed to give a damn about an episode, for the first time this entire season it seemed?...

Christopher Judge always seems to get into rebel Jaffa episodes somehow. His speeches to his fellow warriors usually come out feeling genuine, no matter how cliche they sound in writing. And except for his super slow ass response, "it is the Replicators", I thought his one liner timing was pretty damn spot on for the first time this season as well... He spent most of the episode just standing there as sparks flew on the Hat'ak ship. But hey, at least those sparks looked damn cool in slow motion... the man can really pull off the eyebrow look, you know...

And Richard Dean Anderson? Thank you, RDA, for finally putting some of the old O'Neill back into his character... For once, instead of just being a running joke the whole 40 minutes (his incessant mockery of Baal last episode, for example), we got the proper mix of serious Jack mixed in with the comic relief that made his character a fan favourite in the first place... Who here didn't laugh out hysterically when the Replicators just stopped, Jack said "that's weird", shrugged his shoulders at Reynolds, then went all gun-happy totting all over again?... Who here didn't think that it actually was weird that Siler already put the general into his will?... And who here didn't laugh at the flamethrower sounds that his cheapass grenade launcher was making (well, okay, guess that was just me...)?... The point is, instead of trying to be a stand-up comedian the whole episode through, RDA finally used his talents for what his character does best - comic relief, during serious situations... My only real complaint with O'Neill was that he didn't seem to care about Daniel, even after he probably got wiped out with the Replicators. But then again, how the hell can you act concerned about a guy who doesn't just get captured every week, but pretty much dies every week as well?...

As for Daniel, he was simply hilarious this episode!... The last time he had this many funny lines, he was ascended in Abyss (or at least when he was clueless in Homecoming)... But honestly, I couldn't stop laughing at his constant jabs at RepliVarter... sure his lines were cliche or something. But just his awesome delivery of "you're an evil killing machine, so no, I'll pass" was probably his best damn line of the entire season... And even when he wasn't joking, Daniel still lit up the screen with his wits. It was pretty damn ballsy of him to slap RepliCarter's hand and have fun in "Danny's World" (although the shippers would probably go crazy over that...)... And he actually did something useful for once. Using Ancient knowledge to control the Replicators, if only for a moment, lead to a lot of great scenes (O'Neill's for one), and actually made sense in the whole context of things...

... and then he died... again... from a lame ass T-1000 knife... but what else is new, right?...

And as for Amanda Tapping... umm... was it me, or did she just somehow look "cute" this episode?... Maybe it was the tank-top she wore everywhere, or maybe it's just her pregnancy or something. But seriously, why is she suddenly attractive to me? Her face has been positively glowing since It's Good to be King, and I just love how adorable her little pout is whenever she's trying to think hard about something... And she definitely had a lot to bend over for this episode. She had a lot of great lines with her father, and she even played polite when it came to Baal. I mean, a "thank you"? I definitely wasn't expecting that... I mean sure, the actress didn't do much. She just watched as Jacob played around with the Ancient device settings, and got to spout out a bunch of run-on sentences about the Avenger 2.0 virus and crap like that... but damn, was she ever cute for some damn reason this episode... And she even did a great job as RepliCarter again. Her weird tone of voice just perfectly mimicked the emptiness that a robot would feel...

... and damn, the destruction of that lego ship of hers was pretty damn nice in the end... coolest CG effect of the Stargate universe this year, without a shadow of a doubt...

... hell, there were a hell of a lot of cool things this episode that we learned... Just all the new backstory we got on the Ancients (there were two ages of them... the old plagued, "press-button" generation, from this episode and Window of Opportunity... and the chair generation from Atlantis and Lost City...) was enough to solidify Reckoning (Part 2) as absolutely the most interesting SG-1 episode since at least New Order, or even The Lost City and Homecoming...

Yes, I did have a few problems with Reckoning, most notably with the generic crap factor of the space battle (we saw random ships firing random shots everywhere, and nothing more) and the separation of the team dynamic this episode... but it was more than all made up for, with some very nice moments with Baal ("I am a god. Gods are all-knowing"... that was hilarious, not to mention his literal "mwahaha-ing" exit from the stage...), a real nice lead in to Threads (with Danny dying... again... and the weapon on the planet still intact), some ever nostalgic stock footage moments of wormholes all across the galaxy (but how the hell could they dial every single gate? They're frickin' one way connections! And Serpent Guards? WTF?... plus, the Replicators can't be dead... they exist in other galaxies still, don't they?...)... and oh yes, O'Neill and Reynolds kicking ass and taking Replicator names in the SGC... if they have names, at least...

If it had aired during any other damn week of the year, Reckoning (Part 2) would've easily been my absolute favourite episode of the week... I mean, it's already one of my damn favourite episodes of the entire year, for all series that I'm watching...

... and if it had aired in any other damn week where Enterprise wasn't damn cancelled, then maybe I really would call this week the absolute best damn week of sci-fi I've probably ever watched in my life...

... such a goddam Greek tragedy, it is... a true Prometheus, a true Daedulus... but still...

Y2kk Update: - Smallville: Pariah small Smallville Week in Review (Spoilers) -

FUCK YOU, UPN! And FUCK YOU Paramount, for not even trying to save the damn show...

... uggh... there really isn't a reason for me to even care about television anymore...

"Alicia Baker just... dies?!... WTF?!?... Clark Kent already has the Sam Carter, Black Widow complex?! Already? WTF?!?... excuse me as I...

Now, seriously... regardless of my evil laughter up top... is it me, or is every Smallville episode just somehow better, whenever Lois Lane pops her head in for a stroll?... Now, she didn't even do much in Pariah. But the moment I heard how bad her karaoke was, to her most lovely subtle moment with the Alicia Baker marriage thing (how did she find out about that though?, the episode just somehow felt... better... than all the other Smallville crap we've gotten the past few months...

Now, it's obvious why the show has sucked for a long time... Lana Lang again was a pure waste of time. Now, sure I'm not one to complain about lovely shower silhouette scenes. But WHAT THE FUCK was up with the candles? She has to be French chic when she's bathing in the nude or what?... And the whole character just felt like such a nuisance throughout the rest of the episode. The actress looked bitchy as hell as she was warding off Alicia (in a bad way for viewers, at least), and was it me, or did the actress just look completely lost (and not in a good way) when confronted by Jason's mother?... Now, normally I'd put Jason in the con column as well. But whenever he's not with Lana, and whenever he's not getting choked out by a measly girl scarf, the guy is actually interesting. I do want to know what's going to happen with his mother (who tried to Mrs. Robinson woo Lex Luther with that outfit, it seems...). And the thought of Lex and Jason teaming up to find out the truth, is probably the only good thing that's ever happened to the Teague character. Because now we have a Teague of Extraordinary Gentleman... umm... yeah... still, at least it almost made me forgot about how damn annoying Lana was all episode long...

Chloe hasn't had much to do this season, but for once she finally got herself a character arc besides being the girl that Clark just never seems to be interested in for God knows what reason... It was painfully obvious that Chloe would be the one to learn Clark's secret. But didn't she already know about his powers, considering how she's been acting for the past few episodes?... Still, absolutely the best scene in the episode was Clark catching that Tonka Toy looking CG car model in midair. It made me laugh out loud to realize just how dumb he was - he didn't even "zip" around to see if anyone saw him catch the cheap looking car or not (he didn't even question why Alicia called him in the first place)... And from that point on, Chloe somehow felt like she had a purpose again. She seems a lot more attractive now than she did in the first half of the season (her glowing hair has improved). And except for that god-awful graveyard scene, the actress really seemed like she was genuinely struggling with Clark's secret and the fact he never told her any of this... While Lois' touchy feely moral of the week felt out of place, it did outline the fact that poor Chloe probably blames herself for pushing Clark away with her wall of weird... and more to the point, the hug those two cousins had sure had a lot of sweet, sweet lesbian tension in it... it certainly had my attention...

... heh... no wonder episodes with Lois Lane just automatically feel better...

There were a few WTFs this episode that didn't really feel right... Lionel was nowhere to be found (even if I don't like his character arc right now, I still adore the actor). And the Kents were both on PMS once again - why do they always ask Clark to get a girlfriend, then bag on him when he's dumb enough to go, "hmm... red jewelery that looks like kryptonite... oh well, better try it on..."... well, maybe I'd bag on him too for that, but not the way that Martha and Jonathan were going psychotic this week and the last... And oh, as for Mr. Sandman Tim Hortons? The new freak of the week versus the old freak of the week formula just didn't work (see Stargate SG-1 for a nice AVP comparison). The final battle with Clark was just too short and meaningless for me to give a damn (except the heat vision thing was cool), and why the hell didn't Alicia just teleport out as soon as she saw the cloth coming? Where's her goddam timing and instincts? She seemed hypersensitive (like all women) about everything else, so why not this?...

Still, Sarah Carter looked cute as hell for the second week in a row. Alicia Baker really has perfect hair and a glowing face, even if I can't stand the sound of her voice... Still, even if she had good chemistry with Clark, I just hated how nice and gentle and innocent she was in this episode compared to the last. Sure, she broke her promise to Clark out of hurt, and showed Chloe the truth with the cool car thing and all. But for the most part? Alicia was a pussy. Not that any guy would have a problem with that... The thing is, she was just written off of the show, like that?... The death was just so out of the blue and so meaningless, that the only thing I could do was laugh my head off at Clark's god-awful "NOOO!!!" screamings in the background...

... heh... guess he heard about the Star Trek Enterprise cancellation too or something...

Now, is it just me, or does Tom Welling just seem to act so much better, every single time that Lois Lane joins the cast for the episode?... Even if his dialogue was cheesy as hell during the ball bouncing and graveyard scenes, the actor just pulled it off anyways. He looked genuinely distressed and guilty, and mostly not just in the usual teen movie way... His girlish screams of pains as he was holding Alicia's body in his arms got more tears out of my eyes from laughter than sadness, but hey, at least Superman really did seem pissed as he was choking the life out of the poor, pointless freak of the week... And even before that, the actor just seemed to look more genuine than he has for months, when embarrassed by Lois Lane on stage, or even by the ever bitchy Lana in all their scenes... or should I give the credit to Sarah Baker instead? Tom Welling and her really had chemistry together... and because of that, when it comes to her sudden, pointless death? All I can say is...

... yeah... along with Star Trek Enterprise, this day has just been chock full of fucked up surprises...

... if only Alicia Baker and Lois Lane were in every single episode of Smallville, than maybe I would still have a use for my TV afterall...

... because things always just somehow get better, with all three coming together on the screen at once, but I digress...

Even at the risk of sounding like a babbling fanboy of an idiot, I still have to admit that this week's episode of Babel One, was perhaps one of the finest single hours of Trek that the Enterprise series has ever produced...

On the surface, I suppose it had a lot in common with the two Stargate episodes that aired this week. All three shows were set-ups for a much larger arc to come, and all three shows were obviously saving the best for last... But completely unlike SG-1 and Atlantis this week, Star Trek Enterprise had something that the Stargate writers completely lacked: a great flow to the overall episode, that just somehow made me want to see the second part of the arc so damn much... instead of just leaving me pissed off for more, at the pathetic table scraps I got from The Siege and Reckoning...

Now, the flow and pacing to Babel One wasn't perfect. Some of the editing was a bit weird, like the quick cut to Archer's and T'Pol's awkward "I think we're moving too fast" dinner scene... But still, overall, Babel One had me babbling like a brook, as if I was back in my glory days of TNG or some sort of crap like that. It was perhaps one of the funniest episodes that Enterprise has ever done, and it provided more suspense and more action than any episode since the first of the Augments arc, has ever managed to achieve...

I never used to like the Tellarites. But that's probably because I never really got to see them in a light-hearted episode... And thanks to their entourage in Babel One, every single member of the crew got something useful to do (more or less, at least)... Hoshi got a great introduction with Archer, sitting there so ever adorably stunned, at the captain's very Tellarite-like response to an attack on his dog. And hell, she even got to steal some thunder from T'Pol for once, with her little explanation about the weird-ass Romulan ship... Mayweather obviously didn't get much to do, but hey, at least he got to slowly increment Warp Speed numbers again. That may not be very deep for his character or challenging for the actor, but hey, at least he provided some real suspense for once... And Phlox was pretty much absent the whole episode, which was quite a shame really. But even with just a fleeting few moments on screen, at least he helped reestablish the Andorian's xenophobia towards all species... I mean, you just knew Shran and Talas wouldn't be the good guys this episode really, when they were picking on everyone's favourite Denobulan...

Now, some can obviously criticize this episode, for not developing characters besides Archer very much. But there is simply no denying, that at least all the major players finally got something memorable to do... We learned that T'Pol's marriage to Koss was now dissolved. That scene did feel awkward, because her comment came out of nowhere it seemed. But even so, it was nice to see her confiding in Archer again. And it was even more revealing, that Trip wasn't at the dinner table for once... As for Trip and Malcolm, finally we all got what we were looking for. Whether you see Reed as straight or ambiguously gay, at least we can all agree that his friendship with Trip was the best damn thing going in season one. So why haven't we seen it since?... Either way, we got a great reference back to Shuttlepod One with the "nice bum" comment about T'Pol. And it's nice to know that even when they're stranded on an evil alien ship without oxygen, that at least Reed could do the man thing and cheer Tucker on in his quest to get back in T'Pol's good graces and undies... And even outside of their characterizations, I think the two actors did a great damn job on the Romulan ship. The lack of inertial stabilizers (which I assume aren't necessarily inertial dampeners, otherwise Trip and Tucker would've been crushed by G forces, and the ship would've fallen apart...) made for some pretty damn exciting (and low budget) action scenes. I mean, for once instead of just shaking the camera, you had MACOs hanging off of railings, and the Chief Engineer reaching for dear life for his magnetize boots button... and as for the big surprise in the end? Well, I'll get to that in a little later...

As for Archer, he was obviously the star of the show. And for once, I really didn't mind... Hell, I think this was perhaps Scott Bakula's best performance all season long, and maybe one of his best of the entire series. Because here he had three completely different situations to handle: the Tellarites, the return of General Shran, and the Romulan holographic ship to boot... I've already commented how damn funny his scenes with the Tellarites were. Honestly, lines like "you're even more ugly than I remember" brought back nice memories of T'Pol in heat, and "I was about to say the same thing about you" in regards to "small and unimpressive" was probably the best damn, witty joke the Enterprise writers have ever come up with... When it came to Shran, some weird editing made their binge drinking scene into something that just didn't work (including Shran's revelation about Talas). But Archer really did a fine job mediating between the two warring parties at the TNG-like discussion table. And I just loved the look on Shran's face, every time even the "pink-skin" was questioning Andoria's loyalty after the attack from the Andorian warship...

Maybe on a normal day, I would've seen the huge twist at the end, coming from a mile away... and after the episode aired, it did bug me a bit, that Trip and Malcolm never did try to sabotoge the Romulan ship from the inside while it was tearing apart the Enterprise (or why the MACOs beamed out before the Chief Engineer did)...

But during the episode itself? None of these flaws were on my radar. Because the great action scenes alone, left me staring at my television in a swirling cloud of suspended belief. And I liked it... It was obvious that we were dealing with a holographic illusionary ship. That's always been the Romulan's style (though it was strangely lacking a cloak)... But Manny Coto actually used my fear of canon breach (that Trip and Reed would see a Romulan's face), to leave me utterly stunned when Luke the vampire Romulan was actually shown to be on Romulus (and it's nice to know that B&B are finally making use of some of their money from Nemesis...)... It was the best damn shock the show has had, at least since the Romulan at the end of the Vulcan arc of course... and the fact that I somehow never thought of such an obvious ending in the end? Sure, it bugs me a bit that the Romulans seem more advanced in the 22nd century than they did in Deep Space 9, but still... that was one damn cool ship that they had. And the whole mystery feeling of the episode, truly was more definitive of the Romulans than anything we've ever gotten since at least The Next Generation...

Let's face it - I am a babbling idiot when it comes to this episode... I loved the humour between Archer, the Tellarites, and poor Tucker "when in Rome"... I loved the return of the Andorians, even if it lead to really weird pink underwear from Talas... I actually thought the MACOs weren't bad this episode. Sure, beaming out of the Romulan ship first was dumb, but at least that one inept guard outside of Shran's quarters wasn't that inept. And at least the MACOs really kicked ass when it came to retaking the ship... And who didn't love the action scenes? The threat actually felt real and immediate, unlike in a certain other sci-fi series' shows this week... While Stargate really disappointed me with two second teases of space battles, we got really damn fine attacks from the Andorian and Romulan ships in Babel One. Hell, I'd even go so far as to say they were the best space battles I've seen since the Xindi Crisis at least... and all this from just the first episode of a three episode arc?

That's what Babel One excelled at best... Not only did it satisfy my cravings for the week, with loads of action and pretty damn decent dialogue, but it also gave me so much hope that the next two weeks of Enterprise, will be amongst the best ever made... Of course, logic and past reminders dictate, that the final two thirds of Star Trek arcs are never as good as the first episode in the series...

... but then again, babbling fanboy idiots like me, never really think with logic, now do we?...

Hell yeah, bring on the Prommie versus the Rommies, and then you'll really see me babble...

[c. visitors too bored to return...]
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