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... ironically, by actually trying hard to write something that wasn't a fucking piece of shit, at least...

Now, by all standards, I thought I'd hate Dirty Hands pretty much as much as any recent fucking episode of Battlestar Galactica. And for a long time throughout the duration of the episode, my expectations pretty much came true...

I mean, yet another Chief Tyrol episode? WTF? Why the fuck are the writers frakkin' with our minds and putting us through his goddam shit time and time again? Not only that, but he had to drag Cally along with him on the shitfest ride. I honestly wanted to smack the living shit out of the goddam worthless, arrogant actress when she was parading about the class structure of the Colonials and crap like that...

And I honestly couldn't stand throughout the extent of the episode how all the Colonials seem to have completely forgotten what kind of asshole Gaius Baltar was when he was president...

I mean seriously, who the fuck do they think he is? Bill Clinton? Al Gore? WTF?...

But besides all those worthless ass scenes of Cally being a supremely dumbass bitch or of all those knuckle-draggers on the deck giving each other a hard time, I actually thought Dirty Hands had some redeeming moments, not just for the series but for the writers as well. I didn't give a damn about anything that happened on the fucking refinery ship, and hell, I was even balling out in laughter at the stupid farmboy getting his arm torn in half by the machine. I really couldn't give two shits about the issues on the goddam refinery ship, as I've never been a real fan of any union that actually goes past a work to rule slowdown. Pretty much the entire first two thirds of this episode were nothing more than derivative, predictable bullshit for the dumbass, clueless masses...

... but indeed, there were definitely moments where Dirty Hands managed to shine beneath the grime...

Take Gaius Baltar for instance. The writers have completely butchered his character over the past couple of seasons, but finally some of that old selfish, survival resourcefulness was bubbling and reaching for the surface once more. He probably did come from the farm planet he claimed he was born on, but obviously his presidency showed he wants nothing to do with the common person unless it comes to cigars, booze and women. But none of that matters anymore, as he pretty much smuggled out his own "Mein Kempf" or fucking "Inconvenient Truth", and became a star in the minds of all those morons out there who actually have already forgotten what a shitass kind of president he really was in office...

Finally, some of that old serpentry carpentry of his was back, and I couldn't help but smile a wily smirk at his character for the first time in goddam ages...

Now, I really didn't give a shit about anything to do with Tyrol, but I do admit that the episode was written in a passionate enough way for the topic of hand, that I actually enjoyed most of the pertinent conversations about the class structure of the world and shit like that. I mostly agree with President Roslin's point of view, that it's simply a fact of life that it's hard for a person born into one job skill and class to ascend to another. Anyone with low family income trying to get into a good university for a chance at a good job will attest to that. And I also do agree with Tyrol, that it'd be great to level the playing field a bit, to a certain degree that is...

But I don't particularly agree with doing all this kind of bullshit during the middle of a fucking war. Admiral Adama was a hardass, but he had it right in saying that a fucking strike or fucking civilian sabotage could take down the entire fucking human race in one fucking shot. I'm all for unions and crap like that after life has become less about survival and more about self actualization, but when the entire fucking human race depends on the oil you refine on a daily basis? Training programs is one thing, but do we really need people on Colonial One to soil their hands, just to make people in "lower classes" feel better about themselves? WTF is this bullshit? A crappy rich ass presidential election where kissing baby heads is suddenly seen as a working man thing? WTF?...

Like I mentioned before, the first two thirds of Dirty Hands was nothing more than predictable, communist bullshit, but how the fuck can I ever hold a grudge against an episode with a badass Admiral Adama like we got here near the end? If you noticed, Adama knew he had no real jurisdiction over the working strike on the refinery ship, nor did he really want to. But when it came to Tyrol and Cally causing a "mutiny" on his own ship? Well, call him Admiral Cain if you'd like, but he did what he had to do...

If you take the oath of military, you have to follow orders, in this life or the next. There is no allowance of morality or a gray zone or any shit like that. There is no fucking thing as a goddam strike. Call Adama a hypocrite if you'd like by letting Helo get away with his bullshit versus what the Admiral threatened Tyrol here with, but either way? The Admiral was The Man once again, and he made for one of the best damn scenes of this entire pathetic season, no doubt...

... the only thing I wish he had done, was actually put Cally against a bulkhead and airlock her into space... but whatever...

And I don't know, but even if the subject material of Dirty Hands was eye-rolling at best? The writers behind it still showed enough passion and pride in their craft to actually produce a scene at the end that had me smiling as much as that new nugget was. Starbuck hasn't really had many badass, crassy or DeGrassi moments to shine in the season, but I don't know, something about the way she was playing with her new toy pawn at the end had me smirking as much as I did at the end of Rise of the Phoenix of whatever that episode was called last season...

Because seriously, is that the only thing that a Tyrol episode ever brings to the fold these days? Hope at the end, thanks to the work of his goddam dirty hands?...

... pfft... I much would've preferred a Tyrol piece from the first season of the frakkin' show then, when at least we were always privied to a couple of gratuitous shots of Grace Park doing her dirty dancing thing, but I digress...

But in this third season of Battlestar Galactica, where so few episodes have actually reached the fucking upper echelon of goddam quality and class, while so many have been reduced to the goddam dredges of hobo horseshit down below?...

... well, at least it was nice to see an episode reach the middle class for once...

... even if the root material was nothing more than an eye-rolling, goddam inconvenient truth...

It's Oscar night. And suffice to say, I'd much rather be watching an episode of Stargate SG-1, thank you very much...

I just never thought there'd be an actor or actress from the show that I felt would actually deserve an Academy Award...

... well, besides Richard Dean Anderson, Michael Shanks, Don S. Davis, and Amanda Tapping, of course...

It's no big secret that the big Jaffa guy hasn't had the greatest of acting performances throughout the ten seasons of Stargate SG-1. Well, not on a consistent basis mind you, but he definitely did have his moments. Probably the best he ever did was season five's Threshold, where we finally learned of his backstory and origins as First Prime of Apophis, but besides that, I'm drawing a blank here. He's always been a great character, and even a decent enough writer in season six, but he never really felt like a true star on the team. Not for ten damn years and countless damn episodes, at least...

Talion was definitely an above average episode, although it's kind of easy to please a guy like me whenever there's a great choreographed fight in there. Because really, Talion had the best damn hand to hand combat sequences I've seen out of Stargate SG-1 since at least season five's The Warrior, and definitely ranks right up there with the Krauser knife fight between Ford and Ronan back on Atlantis season two. Obviously, a lot of credit has to go to the bout between Teal'c and Arkad, even if Teal'c was the poor whipping boy behind the lash for most of that lopsided fight. But really, did I ever think I'd see a kickass battle between the Sodan-trained Cam Mitchell and the biggest Jaffa warrior ever known to man? To be honest, I don't think I ever truly saw it coming...

Well, alright, so maybe that fight was a bit too lopsided in the end, and perhaps a fight against General O'Neill would've had far more meaning for Teal'c as a character. Still, the choreography in that battle was just plain amazing, and I gotta give props to Ben Browder for taking the lumps and bumps for real (as proven by the fact that the camera never cut away when the actor was flipped in half). Maybe I would've preferred Cam to have had at least some sort of fighting chance in the hand to hand engagement, as really at least a couple of those punches he got in should've phased Teal'c just a tad wee bit. But either way, what we did get in the end was still bloody brilliant, with quick elbow jabs and knee lifts and fucking kickass arm drag flips...

Sure, I could've used a goddam chair shot with a Stone Cold Stunner as well from the goddam southern hick getting his red ass kicked, but hey, you take what you can get...

And how can I not compliment an episode where finally the writers made a believable and despicable villain, who actually can be taken seriously (except for the fake posh accent, of course...). Arkad was a badass, and a cowardly one at that, taunting Teal'c after the big lug had already taken two direct staff weapon shots. The fight to the death between the both of them was thrilling, if not just for the Ori-Jaffa epic music but also for the fact that those clubbing shots of his to the knees were timed to goddam perfection. How the fuck can't you get behind Teal'c against the man who was boasting about bringing the "Tau'ri to their knees", and then doing the Dr. Evil fatal mistake of taking credit for bitch-slapping his momma?...

The blade through the heart was just such a satisfying, bloody hell finish to the character arc that Teal'c had started ten years ago...

Fuck, has it been ten years already since Teal'c first defected from Apophis and left his family for SG-1? That was always his character arc, of trying to free the Jaffa from the dynasty of the Goa'uld, and obviously Christopher Judge has had little to do since the fall of the system lords. Teal'c's story probably should have ended back in Threads, but the continuing series just couldn't let that happen, and his character arc has dragged on with a limp in goddam limbo ever since...

But finally, with Talion, I really did think closure was finally brought to the story of Teal'c. No matter if he lost his symbiot, no matter if the Goa'uld system lords are free, he will never stop fighting to bring peace and order and true freedom to the Jaffa. That is his legacy, that is his legend, and what better way to seal the deal than to finally hear on screen that Bra'tac really does see him as the son he never had? How could anyone possibly be more proud of the man he trained, then after stabbing some sick warlord bastard through the heart with his own sword? It's just natural...

The other characters on the show have all had their moments throughout the season, so there was no need for them to steal the spotlight here. However, as mentioned before, I gotta give props to Ben Browder, who got his ass kicked by Teal'c and made the episode ten times better by doing so with both a bruised ego and smile. Hell, he even brought the only real comic chemistry to the fold, going so far as to apologize to Teal'c about lying to him about the trap they had set. "Crazy talk" he had called it, but he and Teal'c really did put together one of the best damn moments this season of Stargate SG-1 has ever goddam produced...

Carter and Daniel had little to do, if anything. Vala was playing catch-up the whole way through, making little tidbit quips about the Jaffa and their backstory in case any new viewers of the Ori arc didn't know about the first eight seasons of the goddam show. And naturally, General Landry had to step on the scene to try to ruin the entire fucking episode for everyone else. Because let's cut the crap, it made no fucking sense whatsoever how he was completely undiplomatic with Arkad one moment, and then bent over backwards the next for the IOA as if his name was goddam Helo. WTF?...

Suffice to say, this entire episode belonged to Teal'c, and damn was the man on fucking fire...

I mean seriously, WTF was up with his badass, slow-mo walk from the man "about to explode"? The scar on that Jaffa's face; was he a fucking James Bond villain reject or some shit like that?...

Hell, I approve of almost all things of badass, violent proportions. And Talion was just that damn good in making me forget about all those lameass, cheesy TV dramas of this day and age. Teal'c stopped at nothing to get his revenge, in a way that was just so much more satisfying than we ever got from the Tanith arc back in season six. And even if Talion may have felt like a total filler episode in terms of standalone plot, it was just so much more than that in the grand scheme of things...

This was Christopher Judge's last chance to truly shine on the series, and goddam did he ever make his mark...

And in these finals hours of Stargate SG-1? That's all I ask from the series. That's all I ask from the writers...

... for closure, for goddam closure to each and every character on the cast and crew...

So let's cut the crap. BSG has been on a tear as of late, except it obviously hasn't been on a good one. I don't even remember the last fucking episode that I thought was decent on the show, save for perhaps Exodus, but that took place a hell of a long time ago...

Instead, we've been fed the equivalent of the red pill and the blue suicide pill when it comes to the lady on New Caprica with the red fucking dress...

But if there is any real glimmer of hope for the series? It's that A Day in the Life of Admiral Adama was not half bad in the end, although obviously that has far more to do with Edward James Olmos than any of the goddam writers on the series. Somehow, EJO put up with the horrible goddam writing of having a dead bitch of an ugly motherfucking wife screaming in his ear the whole episode through, and made this episode into something half bearable in the end...

It always helps when the Admiral goes on one of his pimping parades. It's just a weird feeling you get between him and President Roslin, at just how both mature and juvenile they can be at the same damn time when flirting with each other. Whether they were discussing the politics about Baltar's impending trial or exchanging wanton looks over New Caprican cabin fever, the two of them really make the only damn decent couple (or would-be couple) on the goddam series to date. Which is more than I can ever say about how the writers wrote Adama's late, ex-wife...

So, just to get things straight, we were supposed to end up hating that bitch, right? Lee made a point that she drank herself into submission, and obviously having her resurfaced memory constantly bitching and moaning and complaining at everyone's favourite Admiral Adama wasn't meant to put her in the most benevolent of spotlights. But I personally felt the writers went way over the top in just how much Bill was pushing and killing himself over this anniversary date of his, especially considering he said so himself that she and him were just so wrong for each other right from the start (even though that's one of the reasons why he keeps bringing her back every year). But there were definitely moments in there that hollowed me out just as much as it did his own soul, especially when he realized that if he had indeed made a mistake with his family all those years ago, then that would put into question every single decision he's made with his surrogate family on Galactica...

Edward James Olmos ruled the screen whenever and wherever he walked. Hell, I even felt a commanding performance and perhaps a hint of my own personal intimidation when he was roaming the halls of the Battlestar Galactica, scaring all those worthless piece of shit officers into the goddam fetal position. I just wish that the rest of the fucking cast would've just hidden themselves in their goddam Hussein holes to follow suit, as obviously all the goddam teen angst from the rest of the lot dragged this episode down to the depths of usual BSG goddam shittiness...

Why do we care about Tyrol and Cally? Cally has been such a fucking bitch throughout the series, always whining and complaining and giving her husband the hardest of times. She's done nothing of value or worth on the show except look cute in the first season as the engineering girl who had no purpose at the time on the show whatsoever, and now the actress is forced to keep calling out her own name of "Nicky", as if that is supposed to somehow be her peak prime of performing? As for Tyrol, I was cheering and hoping for the lug to just push his wife off into the depths of space as the airlock blew. I do admit though, that I did enjoy the whole rescue attempt when it came to the frozen hell of space, but one decent scene doesn't make up for all his pussy-whipped crap when it comes to putting up with goddam Cally all the time...

Starbuck was pretty much only in a single scene, but at least her character finally stayed true to her original form. Sure, all she did was basically twirl a pen and called it a day in the life of Kara Thrace, but at least she did it all in that old skool, sassy Starbuck style. If only we got this version of her character more often, maybe I wouldn't have to bitch and complain as much on this website as she does to Anders and Lee almost every fucking week? But for now, at least she's finally back to being what she always was, a goddam cock-tease until she fucking opens her mouth...

This episode was pretty much all about the Adama's, and it was nice to see the Admiral making some more amends with his son. Hell, I was just happy to get any sort of mention of both Zack and Lee's grandfather, the lawyer that's been pretty much forgotten since the first fucking season. Wasupwidat?...

Either way, even though the plotline doesn't really make sense, at least we're getting some sort of progression with Lee's character. So getting this straight, he's now going to be a lawyer at Baltar's trial, all because he once snuck into his grandpa's den to look at the covers of some goddam law books? Because wow, if that was always the case, can I be a fucking prosecutor then, making six figure salaries for sadly having watched a goddam episode or two of Ally fucking McBeal? Or really, can I be some hot pimping stud, considering I just looked at a goddam porn magazine a half hour ago? WTF?...

Still, Battlestar Galactica at its core and its finest has always been about the Adamas, and it was great to see the Admiral so damn proud of his once-fatass son. Now sure, I really don't see how Lee has "come into his own" over the past few months, except for slutting it up with both Kara and Dualla at the same time, but whatever. I guess that's all the pimping hand of Admiral Adama really cares about in the end...

Every fucking decent scene on the show these days has something to do with Edward James Olmos. Whether it's shaving his pornstache off while Colonel Tigh oddly stares at his ass, or making the school teacher of a president giggle and laugh like a goddam school girl, how the fuck can't I forgive Battlestar Galactica for ruining my goddam life for God knows how long, with how many fucking useless episodes this third goddam turd of a season?...

Because a day in the life of Battlestar Galactica? I truly expected it to be pretty much like a Day in the Life of IvanF...

... pointless... meaningless... and an absolute, goddam tragedy to all things good and holy of humanity...

And while obviously I ain't quite ready to hand over the Oscar to the goddam BSG writers just quite yet...

... and the sole remaining reason why BSG is still a part in the day of the life of IvanF...

... it took ten years for the writers to finally come up with an episode title as brilliant as?...

Suffice to say, as soon as I heard the name of the episode, the first thing to come to mind was that it would turn out to be a complete, fucking waste of an hour. And in any other circumstance, I would've been right...

And why wouldn't I be? This is the tenth and final season of SG-1, and yet the writers have wasted their final string of episodes with fluff like Bounty and Bad Guys? Throwaway fillers that have absolutely nothing to do with the Ori arc or provide any sense or closure to the central cast of characters whatsoever?...

The thing is though, like I mentioned last week, I enjoyed Bounty for what it was worth...

... and strange enough to say, I kind of didn't mind Bad Guys either, if only out of sheer nostalgia...

Looking ahead at the final arc of episodes for SG-1 as a series, Bad Guys was essentially the last look we'd get at the good ol' days of the Goa'uld. Now sure, when taken along with the Ori arc, it made no sense for an episode to take place in a fucking museum with completely forgettable guest characters. But really, knowing that we may never see this kind of old skool Stargate memorabilia shit again? As a fan of the series since the second fucking season, it was nice seeing a few Horus helmets, a good ol' fashioned naquada bomb, and hell, even the Stargate finally being the central focus and premise of the series just once more...

Even the episode format itself was a throwback to the days back when SG-1 would get into trouble, only to spend the next hour bluffing their way out of whatever kind of off-world situation they would find themselves in. Even without Richard Dean Anderson and Amanda Tapping in the fold this week, I must admit that Bad Guys did have a bit of an old fashioned SG-1 feeling to it, as it could almost fit in perfectly as a (Jonas) episode from season six or seven. While normally I would just consider that to be shit, the nostalgic in me just can't shake the feeling that this very well may be the last bottle of a filler episode left in the SG-1 tank, and just part of me is telling myself to savour the wine and cheese while I still goddam can...

Now obviously, Bad Guys on the outside was a truly atrocious, bad fucking episode. We had horrible guest stars like the stiff, stone cold of an actor who played the computer brand of Cicero, and then there was that god-awful, anything-but-funny rip-off of Die Hard's John McClane. Fuck, Die Hard is such a great fucking movie, that it deserved a far greater homage than this kind of bad fucking story-telling bullshit. The real John McClane would've eaten the guts out of the fucking writers for screwing up his motherfucking shit so bad...

The overall plotline was just so fucking dumb, and the writers damn well knew it. Here SG-1 was, without Carter no less, stuck in a museum after being mistaken for anti-government rebels. Here we had a situation, where nobody but the worst guest actors possible even remotely believed in whatever the fuck the SG-1 team had to say about being aliens from another world. As a result, we were reduced to a teen angst, Smallville-quality scene between two ugly bitches (well, okay, so maybe the dark brunette was decent...) in two horrible foreign dresses, going at each other while Daniel was eyeballing the fugly one he'd sadly prefer to pillage and plunder...

But that's just the thing. Bad Guys was just such a ridiculous dumbass episode, that the main actors actually seemed to have enough fun with it to make the show enjoyable in the end. I sure could use a primer on just what Daniel put into the drinking water when he was lecturing the bitchy couple on the "etiquette" of being a hostage, because no matter how not-funny the scene felt in script, I actually found myself laughing at just how goddam ridiculous it was. Hell, pretty much everything that Michael Shanks pulled off this episode, whether he was obsessed with the fucked up writing on the walls of the museum or running like a school girl from an angry alien swat team, I just thoroughly enjoyed how much the actor actually seemed to be enjoying his time on the series here...

And considering it was actually during the filming of Bad Guys that the cast and crew first learned that the SG-1 series had been canceled? It's no wonder then, why they all seemed to truly make the most of every moment they had on screen, no matter how goddam atrocious the story and script may have really been...

Teal'c was barely anywhere to be found, yet he just seemed to have some added oomph in whatever he did. His Die Hard reference brought a smirk to my chin, and the big lug was smiling and sporting a wily grin of his own after zatting the dumbass councilman for no real reason whatsoever. Teal'c barely even got to fire his P90, but fucking goddam, at least he got to look badass while dual-wielding along with those kickass Halo SMG's that the alien security team seemed to have (which if memory serves me right, are real earth guns that have also ironically been used in BSG, but that's a story for another day...)...

Vala and Cam were basically joined at the hip this episode, and I really could've done without the goddam stupidity of the whole stealing-of-the-naquada-bomb routine. Getting caught by that pale imitation of a John McClane of a security guard had me rolling my eyes as well at just how the fuck the writers ever could've thought this episode would turn out decent off paper, yet for some odd reason, I pretty much enjoyed every other little subtle thing that the two Farscape characters had to say or do. Maybe it's because Claudia Black and Ben Browder have both been down this path before, being on a great (sort of... well, not really...) SciFi show that was canceled? But still, I just enjoyed their sass whenever they got share some banter, whether it was about arguing over first contact with other worlds or just bitching and complaining about accidentally arming the goddam bomb...

Sure, Bad Guys had its fair share of faults, besides a shitty ass script and writing. We really could've used some of Amanda Tapping here, besides just an offshoot of a reference to her time in the alternate world. And of course, how the fuck can I ever enjoy a fucking scene with goddam General Landry? Fucking bastard was smug as hell that he was the president in the other realm, when he should've just shot himself after realizing what kind of fucked up world he had created according to Carter...

But "Bad Guys"? No matter how goddam disastrous and fucking out of order the writing on the walls may have all been for this episode, there was just a little something, something extra about everyone's performances here, that pushed it to the point where I actually didn't mind losing an hour to this shit. I was shocked, dazed and confused by all this, but somehow, the cast and crewed willed themselves into making a decent episode out of literally the corn dog shit that I stuff back up my ass...

As apparently, it took the writers ten fucking years to think up the brilliant title name of "Bad Guys"...

... but as soon as everyone on the cast and crew learned that SG-1 had been canceled?...

... it only took this one episode for them to realize, that every moment left in the series counts...

After three fucking years of Battlestar Galactica, that's the best fucking title they could think of? WTF?...

What the fuck does it even mean? Besides the obvious, of how much of a fucking pussy Helo really is, that is...

Was there really anything redeemable about this episode whatsoever? It was even more of a waste of my time than Lost and Smallville were this week. And that's just fucking pathetic, especially for a series that supposedly earned itself another lucky set of 13 episodes for next season...

WTF does "The Woman King" even stand for here? Is Helo the woman, the king, or somehow both? Because he sure as hell didn't prove anything here, acting like a little teenage girl whenever it came to his fucking angst with Sharon, or his goddam little cries of wolf whenever it came to Dr. Mike Roberts...

I was hoping that Mr. ex-Senator from the X-men movie would provide some sort of acting talent on the series, but on Battlestar Galactica with this kind of shit writing, even he was a fish out of a fucking mutant waters. The whole episode, I do admit though, I was actually a bit intrigued by his character. I was seriously thinking the whole time, "Hmm, this guy sounds like a racist bigot who's actually euthanizing the people he hates... but no, that can't just be it. That would be too simple. I'm sure the writers are better than that. There's just gotta be something else..."...

I was honestly waiting breathless in anticipation for the sum of an hour, for just what the big fucking surprise would be in the end...

... I was actually expecting the writers to be intelligent, instead of just creating the most goddam cliche, predictable bullshit of an episode ever...

And then what turns out to be the big reveal in the end? Why, exactly what I had figured the moment that the first Sagittarian died. That the fucking doctor was euthanizing them for some fucking goddam racist bigot reason...

Yet he let goddam Dualla off the hook? Why, because she's black? WTF is this, some sort of reverse-racism? I mean seriously, I was actually rooting for him to fucking knock that bitch out for the count, and yet he lets me down now? WTF is this shit? Was this how the writers wanted to actually make me hate his fucking character? WTF?...

Goddammit, what kind of fucking payoff of an ending was this shit? With Helo somehow getting a medal of honour, even though in the deleted scene, he even admitted his goddam treachery to Admiral Adama that should've thrown him into the electric chair? How the fuck am I ever supposed to respect a series where a pussy like him somehow gets such a fine fucking ass like Grace Park's to shave and fuck on a goddam nightly basis? Yet even he's too much of a fucking wuss to fuck her hard every night, as evidenced by the fact that in The Woman King, he obviously enjoys aimlessly walking around at night in the gratuitous nude instead. WTF?...

There was only one fucking decent scene in the entire episode, and that was solely because Racetrack actually looked smokin' hot in civies as Connor or Ladon or whatever the fuck that Jarhead's name was in the background, rooted her on as she smoked the competition. Besides that though, what else did we fucking get in this episode but Lee trying to fucking out-pussy Helo, Tyrol being yet again the pointless drunken turd, Dualla somehow escaping goddam racist bigot destruction, Starbuck making teen angsty gasps once more, and a series of Clark Kent, "oh shit" looks from goddam Helo about not fitting in with the goddam cool, high school crowd? WTF?...

I was hoping that at least Admiral Adama would be able to save this episode, yet how long did the writers actually put him in for? Like, five lines of the script and nothing more? The preview had made it seem like The Woman King would be all about Adama being Laura Roslin's pimp daddy or some shit like that, as they had they way with each other over the trial of Gaius Baltar. Yet in the end, all this episode proved was that even the preview designers knew that the whole Helo plotline was shit, and that the only thing they could do to market the show was to show the only fucking sequence even relating to the president and Baltar's trial in the end. The only damn scene anyone would care about, that is. WTF?...

Colonel Tigh got to try to be the man with one eye open again, and at least Doc Cottle made an appearance. But neither character made an impression in the end, as Tigh has literally become just a hacked up, pirated, pale version of his former self before the occupation (as if New Caprica has already been completely forgotten), and Doc Cottle provided literally no comic relief for the first time in his entire tenure on the show. The only thing that I can applaud either of those two characters for is the fact that they both pimp-slapped Helo and put him in his place, if only for the short time being. But considering how much of a pussy-fucking-whipped asshole Agathon really is, it's not like we don't see him cowering in the corner in the Wince Carter fetus position on an episodic basis anyhew...

Seriously, WTF does The Woman King stand for? Is it talking about Sharon, who could fucking bitch slap me and make me her bitch any fucking day of the week? Yet thanks to the fact that Grace Park was mainly reducing to motherly duties the whole nine yards, even going so far as to grovel at Mike Novak Roberts' feet when it came to her plague-ridden child, I could barely stand the bitch whenever she opened her goddam mouth. WTF?...

Now sure, she was goddam fucking hot as hell whenever it came to that tight ass T-shirt she wore back in her quarters, and who the fuck can't feel the love as she was feeling up Number Six there for information? But even so, considering for the first time in ages, Helo was actually trying to fight back against being pussy-whipped by Sharon (though instead, he got pussy-whipped by the equivalent of his mom in the Sagittarian woman of a king bitch), I just didn't feel the love for Sharon tonight. Grace Park will always be my bitch, but not if she keeps fucking bitching like she was all fucking episode long like she was here. WTF?...

Y2kk Update: - Smallville: Freak small Smallville Week in Review (Spoilers...) -

It took the writers six fucking years of shitty ass, assplosions from freaks of the week to finally come up with this fucking genius of a title? WTF?...

And you know what else? I've been saying for almost six fucking years now whenever it comes to Chloe and her super-savvy, computer hax00r skillz, that either the writers are fucking geniuses for making her a secret freak of the week all along, or the writers are simply just that damn dumb when it comes to goddam teen angst and goddam computer literacy skills...

"Wait, are you saying that writers were actually smart for once? WTF? No, just fuck no. I refuse believe this news..."

I refuse to believe that they actually planned out for Chloe to be a freak in hiding. Either the writers stole the idea from the entire fucking Smallville fanbase community who were hoping that it would come true, or the powers that be are actually planning in the near future to turn Chloe into some kind of extra horny, tentacled, lesbian power girl or some crap like that...

... though sadly, I would kind of prefer the latter, but that's a story for another day...

Short story short, while Freak was pretty much as decent and genius in the end as its title implies, it wasn't nearly as bad as I was expecting from an episode where Lana actually played the heroine. In fact, except for the fact that she's still putting up with all of Lex's goddam lies and treachery (though I guess it's in her nature... goddam bitch of a gold-digger...), Lana Lang was actually written decently well here. She actually tried to save Clark without him knowing, believing him to be the next freak on the list of abductees. She was event smart enough to at least somewhat deduce the truth at the end when push came to bullet catch and shove. Since when did the writers actually let the bitch grow a brain? WTF?...

It's scary to think that the worst part of an episode for once wasn't Lana fucking Lang, but rather Lex Luthor and his goddam continuing MWAHAHA antics. First of all, how the fuck can we ever take seriously yet another Dr. Evil henchman, this time with a last name of "Bethany"? WTF? And second, Lex just seems like he's getting careless with his overcompensation of a supreme shift to evilness. In earlier seasons, he was just so damn ambiguously evil that his character was actually successful in actually half tricking the audience into thinking he had some good left. Now, it's just so damn blatantly obvious how he's superstalking Lana's supposed best friend with goddam Chlovage bondage, that the depth that Lex as a character used to have just seems to have goddam vacated the series...

Although if having Chloe half naked and completely helpless in bondage is his idea of a Friday night out? Then colour us all insane, then. Colour us all insane, indeed...

We all knew that Chloe just had to be some sort of kryptonite-infected freak, right? Sure, maybe what Tobias was detecting was just leftover particle dust shit from the time that Chloe was temporarily infected enough to get everyone to tell the truth to her. But shit, I refuse to believe the writers are smart enough to actually expect their audience to remember something from three minutes ago, let alone an episode three fucking seasons ago. So let's just assume that all has been forgotten about her little past incident at Luthorcorp Labs, shall we?...

The thing is, aside from Milton Fine and Cyborg, there has been nobody on the series with computer hacking skills even remotely close to Chloe's. Over the past six seasons of the series, most of the show's audience has been hoping that this was no mere coincidence, and Freak seemed to go along with that theory, considering a point was clearly made this week that Jimmy wasn't even able to come close to Chloe's prowess with unlocking military encryption schemes. Either way though, I'm happy that Ms. Sullivan finally got a plotline of her own to work with, one that might bring her closer to Clark in the end. I'm sick of all her teen angst pouting when it comes to putting up with Lana Lang or dealing with Lionel Luthor (where the fuck has he gone?) or whining and bitching and complaining about Lex. It's finally high time that the spotlight was shone on Allison Mack, and I'm hoping that the writers remain intelligent enough to see that through...

Seriously, was it just me or was she hot as hell in there when Clark was searing through her skin with that heat vision of his? My, how kinky, considering how he had just seen her bones naked a second earlier, and we all know his eyes beams are powered by the strength of his goddam boner down below. Fuck, he even fingered her hard like steel, although we're talking about shoving his hand straight down her collar bone in this case..

Clark wasn't terrible in this episode. He showed great loyalty to Chloe, and he somehow managed for once not to have a completely teen angst moment with Lana fucking Lang. Sure, it was still dumbass as hell that he yet again didn't reveal his secret to the bitch, as for once, I can honestly say that she earned his trust in an episode. But whatever, Clark Kent still remains the most idiotic, dumbass, "normal guy I've ever met"...

Somebody, please save us from his tired old, cliche shit. Somebody please write it in for Chloe take over all his powers, and have a new series with just her and Lois Lane getting it on with one another in sexual ectasy in mid-air?...

... but fuck, the writers just aren't smart enough to ever do that, now are they?...

... especially not after it took them six fucking years of freaks of the week...

... hmm, ironic name, considering I feel like we've seen this kind of episode time and time again before...

Now, don't get me wrong. I enjoyed First Strike for what it was worth, and that being a set-up for the "soft reset" that the series will be having next season. And thus, this episode can't really be reviewed on its own merits, but rather will be assessed once again after we find out in the fourth season of the series whether the changes to the show were really actually worth it or not...

You can definitely tell that First Strike is really more of a reintroduction to the series than anything else, when the intro of it was mostly spent on bringing the new doctor of the series to light. While obviously Carson Beckett will be sorely missed on the show, I personally would feel a tad bit better if only Jewel Staite as Dr. Keller there would give my own sores and itchy spots a nice massage and rub. Hot damn, was she ever fucking drool-worthy in that V-neck tank top of hers. Though oddly enough, her voice was far more manish than I ever would've expected from Inara's lovely whore of a cutie counterpart from Firefly...

First Strike was also really the first real blow against Dr. Elizabeth Weir's stay on the station. We all know by now that her role is going to be drastically diminished next season, and considering how bitchy and ineffectual the actress and character has been on the show, I'm inclined to not give a fucking flying shit. She was completely out of her element here in First Strike as well, whether the writers intended that or not, I dunno. Either way, I was actually clapping and cheering when the hot bitch got fucked over by the even hotter giant laser beam from Dr. Replicator Evil's satellite up in space. That motherfucking blast sure gave her ass a good fucking rub and reddening, which I'm sure Dr. Weir appreciated more than anything or anybody else...

Now sure, I know that this does kinda defy doctor-patient privacy of whatnot, but just this time? Just this time, to make the losses of Carson and Dr. Weir just a wee bit easier to swallow for the audience? Well, I for one then, wouldn't mind if the writers threw us a little bone there, and kinda, you know?...

... had Dr. Keller 'feel' up Dr. Weir's condition there at the end, just to 'perk' up her spirits and soothe her soul...

... over and over and over again... until Weir gave out a smile and scent of writhing satisfaction...

But as it stands right now? I don't know, but First Strike as a whole was just not good enough to be a real season finale of its own...

True to the SGA spirit though, it was a pure CG-fest, and I state (or Staite?) that for better and for worse. On the one hand, the one minute CG sequence that literally blew the budget of the entire episode was simply jaw-dropping, as the Mark IX multi-gigaton nukes had whatever way they wanted with the goddam Replicator continent down below. On the other hand though, an entire minute of seeing what essentially was a MIRV missile that could've and should've been shot down by a single Replicator shot high up in the stratosphere felt completely out of place in the episode, and could've been served better by an actual, tension-filled space battle that would've done The Siege justice...

It was a great idea to see a Replicator satellite appear in Atlantis orbit and completely own the new USS Apollo and the SGA team like it did. On the other hand though, while I know Rodney recommended against it, why the fuck didn't Sheppard at least try attacking the Replicator weapon with the drones? Those Ancient squids are a hell of a lot more powerful than the fucking standard nukes on a Daedalus-class ship, you know. So not only we were fans cheated out of a decent lightshow of a space battle, but then we were subjected to the rest of the episode more or less consisting of just a giant fucking laser from space shining down on the Atlantis shield. While in concept, it was a kickass idea, it just wasn't the kind of excitement that I was hoping for from such a high profile, "reset" of a season finale...

Don't get me wrong though, we definitely got some great special effects in there that had me craving for me. While some of it was indeed reused from Rising, it was still amazing to see the city of Atlantis drop down to the depths of the ocean floor once again, only to rise and soar into space like it always deserved to in the first place. While storywise, it made no sense why they couldn't just play it safe and jump to somewhere close to the Atlantis star system and hide there, rather than hoping to find their way to a hospitable planet with the limited resources that they had, that still doesn't change the fact that the CG-sequences there were just so damn mind-boggling amazing that it had me jumping out of my seat in anticipation. While the cliffhanger was cheesy as hell at the end, it still managed to send a chill down my spin, seeing the city ship adrift in the middle of nowhere like it was...

The thing is, for every great graphical showing that this episode had to offer, a character on the series had to suffer. Ronan and Teyla were reduced to being literally the "invisible" people of the cast and crew, relegated to becoming the brunt of Sheppard's clever yet cliche tale of the Fantastic Four. Even Rodney McKay didn't really have a role, as his banter with Zelenka was minimal compared to other episodes of the season, and he spent the rest of the episode providing "oh shit" looks while staring at Star Trek monitors more than any of that classic chemistry he has with Sheppard in almost every other show...

The big question of the day was, did Sheppard and the USS Apollo do the right thing? The writers made a point in demonstrating that Colonel Ellis of the new Daedalus-class Apollo swas a smart and reasonable man who was simply following orders without really questioning them, but were the orders really reasonable? Now, I guess am inclined to go along with Sheppard's line of thinking, that the Replicators don't build that many Aurora-class warships capable of intergalactic travel unless you're planning to go after earth, not just Atlantis...

The thing is, we proved to the Asurans in The Return that earth really is the only race in the known universe (next to the Asgard who never do anything anymore, mind you) who have the combination of technology, strategy and resourcefulness to be a real threat. We demonstrated that we do indeed have ARG weapons capable of destroying the Replicators more than even Ancient weapons ever seemed to accomplish, and they probably scanned Rodney's mind to figure out that we are indeed building satellites capable of wiping out all the Asurans on an entire fucking planet at once. But then again, why is it that took until this nuclear assault with the Apollo's Horizon for the Replicators to actually retaliate against us? As Rodney points out, did we really "poke a sleeping dragon", or was Sheppard right in believing that we really did have to make the first strike to protect earth? I guess there's some real world parallels there, for better or worse, of course...

First Strike really was a great CG-fest of an episode and a great plot point for the series. We got almost every fucking fan-geek moment known to man here, whether it was the nuking of an entire fucking continent with the largest fucking bombs known to two galaxies, or the sight of Atlantis soaring into space with a fucking giant laser beam cutting a swath right through Dr. Weir's fucking tight ass legs and arse. Even Major Lorne got some major kickass time in, shoving a huge ass asteroid right into the beam's path to temporarily save the day. I really must commend all the special effects creators on the series, for more than making up for the costumed abomination of goddam Vengeance last week...

Yet strangely enough, I think I enjoyed Vengeance more than I did First Strike. It's just that, like I said before, this episode cannot really be judged on its own merits. It was a soft reset for the series, and as a result, characters were underdeveloped and overlooked in favour of the big picture. And the big picture being the fact that Atlantis is now adrift in the middle of nowhere with limited resources and time not on their side...

Speaking of time? With Stargate SG-1 being cancelled?... sigh, all good things...

Because with the way things are shaping up? We might as well call season four to be Stargate: Deep Space Nine, for better or for worse...

Now granted, First Strike by its lonesome was better than Allies last year, but falls well short of The Siege when it comes to anything but CG grandeur. I expected better to be honest, especially after the third season of the show almost completely made up for the sucky ass shit of the second...

... but I'm still expecting better for the series, or hoping to at least, when the show returns next season with a new mission in life...

So let's just hope that this 'soft reset' doesn't turn out to be a complete waste of goddam shit like it was with BSG this season...

... turns out to be a great first step for a reborn series, rather than a final goddam strike against the franchise...

... and, fingers crossed, a hell of lot more Deep Space Nine than a goddam Voyager...

I really, really, ridiculously don't understand what's with me lately and dumbass entertainment, but I just found Bounty to be such a delectable little guilty pleasure of the sort. Now sure, there was really absolutely nothing decent that came out of this episode in the end, and it completely didn't fit into the whole arc of the season considering The Shroud just aired last week, yet still? It was just so dumb yet just so damn entertaining, how Daniel is now spending his time chatting up some leather-clad bitch in a library after being captured by the enemy for God knows how long?...

Speaking of that evil Bounty bitch though, my God was she ever hot. So fucking hot, She had my heart racing like a runaway freight train...

Because you know something just ain't right, or at least everything is going right, when a bad girl mofo can be offed by a fucking bus in the middle of the street, and yet I end up rolling on the floor in laughter rather than raising than Teal'c eyebrow in stupefication. Bounty was just that kind of slapstick, dumbass sort of SG-1 comedy that I tend to fall in love with this time of the season. While obviously I have my regrets that an episode in the final season of the series was used up for something like this rather to close loose Threads, I have to honestly admit that I kind of enjoyed Bounty more than any other hour of television this week...

How the fuck can't I fall in love with an episode about innocent, old high school crushes? Especially one with a hot fucking blonde for a stalker-type obsession...

Yeah, yeah, so yet another DeLuise managed to shove her way onto the show. The thing is though, I was pleasantly surprised in this Kansas of a Pleasantville that Cam and Amy really did have a lot of chemistry. Hell, I was even swooning a bit as they kissed and held each other at the end, simply because the two really somehow felt right for each other, more than that Pete of a DeLuise ever felt right with Carter. Cam has always been an old fashioned type of hick, and I don't know, but it kind of makes sense that he would keep in his heart the only real crush he had from way back in high school. He's not really one to let go of tradition, or let go of the past...

And hey, how the fuck can't I enjoy an episode with so much lovely techno-toys in the end as well? Finally, earth has its first officially working, non-ARG, non-Anti-Kull-Warrior, energy type of weapon? w00t? And as for that Asgard, Chimera-Optics-Projection System, wouldn't it be awesome if Carter was able to at least adapt that to the Daedalus-class Battlecruisers? Not only could they do recon free of danger on board of Wraith Hive Ships on Atlantis then, but they could even use the system to generate holographic decoys of missiles whenever they feel like bombarding an entire fucking Replicater continent all over again with Mark IX nukes...

I don't know why, but I just found there to be some kind of intangible, indescribable sense of old school enjoyment from even the simplest little scenes between Carter and Dr. Lee. I snickered along with Sam as the actual working prototype of the earth plasma weapon was made to short-circuit in front of the crowd, and who the fuck wouldn't applaud the demo where Carter actually sniped off a would-be assassin with the same said, busted ass weapon? Hell, I even was ready to give Lee the pimp hand seal of approval there, considering he was making more small talk with hot and geeky girls (*EXTRA HAWT*), more than I sadly ever managed to do in fucking high school...

... sigh... he was even making time with a hot, blonde geek bitch... sigh, if only...

Meanwhile, Teal'c finally found his niche on the series again, as the shirtless, black and jakked Jaffa with a badass mark on his forehead. Sure, he spent the majority of his time either confused or laying helpless on a bed as a decoy, but damn it was still nice to get Teal'c back with his old Jaffa friends just one more time. Bra'tac was finally mentioned again for the first time in ages, and since when have we last seen Teal'c with a staff weapon? As badass as he's been on the SG-1 team with the P90 and MG251 or whatever, Bounty just felt like a nice little flash back to the old days when being a Jaffa actually meant something to the massively muscled guy...

And as mentioned before, Daniel was weirdly enough off by himself, doing so randomly irrelevant research while being too gay for Jack last episode to ever go out on impulse with that hot fucking bitch of an assassin here. Hell, he didn't even try to pick up any of the hot chicks at Cameron's little high school soiree, not even that psycho nametag girl who I'm sure would've been right up the alley and ass of mop-haired Daniel back in good ol' Moebius. And yet, no matter how out of place or out of phase Daniel's whole storyline was in this episode, I still marveled and laughed as he even made Scooby Doo references at the end. Seriously, WTF?...

And every fucking scene with Vala in it was gold. I don't know how or why, but whether she was talking about the 60's with Cam's mom, having her photo taken with a giant fucking bee, or just being plain bent over by Ventral or Beckham or whoever that fucking Sunshine of a BSG boy was, Ms. Mal Doran was simply at the top of her game. I absolutely adored the scene where she was at the tin can shooting range, with her absolutely perfect delivery of being part of "accounts - receivable", and she was smokin' hot as hick fuck when she was in her Daisy Dukes of Hazzard outfit, probably wooing that good ol' blonde obsession of Cameron's all the way over to her side while she was at it....

And hell, I don't know how she pulled it off in just one episode, but Vala even had chemistry with Darrell, enough so that I even found it pleasantly surprising that the girl had enough loyalty to both Tomin and Daniel not to swab the floor and the deck and the high school photocopier with the guy. Because honestly, when it comes to loyalty, what real marriage would be complete without the bitch getting screamed at by her man, "WAIT IN THE CAR!!!"? She and Cam really do have a bond, a real connection at the strands of the soul. You can just really feel it, you know?...

Oh, Cameron. How sorry I feel for you at times. You can't ever date Vala Mal Doran thanks to a previous fucking life, and even though you have all the spaceships and Asgard transporters of the universe at your disposal, you're still fucking forced to drive a goddam fucking, Ford Taurus of all shitty ass cars? Fuck...

... once again, why am I feeling a personal sense of high school, deja vu here?...

Because I don't know, but Cameron Mitchell helped make me relive my own high school crush here with his own little stalker of an obsession, for better or for worse, really. Because completely unlike Smallville's fucking vile shit of Trespass this week, Bounty actually made me savour and enjoy the little trip down memory Lane here. Whether Cam was falling out of his chair from falling in love with the blonde bitch (which I've done, suffice to say...), or whether he was begging to be slapped by the girl just to get some more goddam kinky attention (fuck, I've done that too...), I just really thought that Mitchell was at the top of his game here...

It was nice too, to see his family again for the first time this season, and it was even greater that he and Vala got some healthy servings of Pecan Pie to ship back to Trip Tucker over there on Atlantis when push comes to bug baiting shove...

Because truthfully? The only real engaging element missing from this episode that would've pushed it over the top, was the sound of cheesy, German 80's music while Cameron was laying the kung-fu smackdown on some would-be assassin's ass...

Well, at least we still got a gas shortage, a flock of seagulls, and a fucking hot chick run over by an even hotter fucking bus...

How the fuck can't I give two thumbs then to Bounty, the definitive quicker, picker-upper?...

... it was just so damn retardedly simple and stupid, that it was just so fucking, freakin' goddam brilliant in the end...

Because, sigh... it's nice to know that I'm not the only one still hung up on some blonde crush from goddam high school...

... though completely unlike Cam, make no mistake, I sure as hell ain't no stalker...

... because oh, if only?... if only, just like Amy, my bitch had given up on her prom date just to wait for me to ask?...

... sigh... if only... I guess though, we'll never really know, now will we?...

Seriously, what is with me lately and actually enjoying the dumbest fucking episodes ever made?...

A few weeks ago, what would've honestly been the chances of me actually giving two thumbs up to a goddam SGA rip-off of yet another James Cameron film?...

I mean sure, at least finally they chose a decent one to spoof. Aliens really did kick ass back in the day, might I add...

And seriously? All the SGA writers have left to do is resurrect Robert Patrick from the depths of Wraith hell and have him go one on one with the fucking Terminators (or, I mean, Replicators... yeah...). Now that would most definitely make my own fucking personal episode of the week...

But Vengeance? What were the chances of enjoying a fucking hour of seeing poor red shirt actors wearing Half Life 2 face-hugger plush toys on their heads? Or were those ugly masks actually all copies of that mop of a rug Michael Shanks' wore back in Moebius? It was really hard to tell in the dark...

This was an episode that even Connor Trinneer didn't bother really showing up for. Sure, he was here in body I suppose, but there simply wasn't any emotion in his acting. And why would there be? He was here simply for the irrational, Iratus bug technobabble, as if he had just gotten a gig back on Star Trek Voyager or some shit like that. I'd phone in my performance too for a fucking paycheque, if I were reduced to wearing a Wraith costume while actually looking respectable compared to the fucking man-bugs crawling around the ventilation shafts...

And yet? And yet, no matter how purely dumbass this episode was, it actually served its purpose in entertaining me, for the better half of the hour at least. I could've done without all that helpless, goddam whining (or more of it, if you're into that sort of thing...) from Teyla there as the bug was sucking earl grey from her nipples. And I definitely could've used more cleavage there, especially if it was Dr. Weir instead in that bondage position with the bug. But bleh, all annoying bitches aside, I actually enjoyed the rampant stupidity of Vengeance. Sure, I'd still like the whoop the asses of the writers who one-upped their goddam horrible Kull Warrior idea back on SG-1 with fucking massive man-bugs here, but whatever...

At least this episode gave Ronan some sort of chance to shine. He even got a few decent lines in, especially after cutting off the arm of the thing attacking him, and then simply tossing it aside in case the creature would suddenly return with a brand new appendage. He got to show off his badassness with his sword again for the first time in ages, and he got to play the gut-check saviour with God knows how many direct shots to the goddam bug guts. And you just gotta give props to the guy for pulling a Teal'c in Children of the Gods, with the evil bad guys being impossible to kill at the start, only to collapse from fucking nail clippers by the end when it was all said and done. Those stupid bug thingies deserved to get their fucking asses kicked and their names taken anyhew, whatever the fuck their names were...

Sheppard managed to get some sort of showdown with Michael, not like it led to anywhere. And yet, even the sheer retardedness of a giant fluffy bug coming up right behind him to snatch the pistol from his grasp had me rolling on the floor in delight, simply because of just how goddam ridiculous it all was. The writers had no intention of hiding the fact that Vengeance was a sheer rip-off of Aliens, which was a bloody hell good time of a movie, no matter how dumb it itself got at times. And Joe Flanigan definitely didn't hide the fact either, even mentioning the movie as he played the not-so-generically-bald space marine in the closed confines of an underground tunnel system...

If there was any true homage to the Aliens series, it was McKay there with the Ancient life sense detector. I knew right from way back during Rising where the inspiration for that little handheld device first came from, and it was nice for it all to come full circle here, with Rodney literally gasping at all the little dots appearing throughout the darkened corridors. And who the fuck can possibly resist a good ol' massive C4 explosion that nips at the eyebrows? It was just so fucking dumb how some Mick Foley, Mandible Claw was trying to get out of that door, only to be ripped to shreds by God knows how many sticks of dynamite. A completely retarded moment, sure, but a guilty pleasure nonetheless...

Really, just thinking about Vengeance again is hurting my brain. And sadly, realizing that my guess that Robert Patrick will actually make good on his promise of "I'll be back" thanks to the writers, is wracking my goddam cerebral cells as well...

But hot damn, I can't help but actually admit that I was literally balling in laughter at just how fucking stupid this whole episode was...

Seriously, what is with me lately and actually enjoying the dumbest fucking episodes ever made?...

... hell, I didn't even mind Alien vs Predator for the most part, and that's just plain embarrassing...

But if the writers ever do try to copy some other shit like Alien 3 or, heaven forbid, Alien Resurrection?...

Y2kk Update: - Smallville: Trespass small Smallville Week in Review (Spoilers...) -

Now, this review better be the fucking true definition of a "small Smallville week in Review"...

Because quite honestly? My mother taught me that if I have absolutely nothing nice to say?...

"Trespass was just so bad, so fucking bad, that it's not even worth a bad fucking pun. WTF? No, seriously, WTF?"...

There were absolutely zero redeeming qualities in this episode. Well, okay, so maybe Chloe looking fuckable as ever was at least a passing point, but a moot one considering she was looking ever so adorable while at the same time pining and sucking face with Jimmy the Bimmy of all fucking clowns. Because instead of more Chloe cleavage, we got fucking Jimmy chasing around CK or Calvin Klein or whoever the fuck, trying to be a sassy hero by absolutely ruining the day with less fucking Chloe cuteness on screen. WTF?...

Was there any doubt in the mind as to who the MWAHAHA villains of the week were? Lex at least was smart enough to leave town while his security detail sent the pregnant Lana Lang tumbling down the stairs to her 96th concussion on the show. But even that meant absolutely nothing in the end, considering we all know she'll always somehow turn out perfectly fine in the end, or at least until the centarian bruise mark that is. As a result, there was simply no fucking tension in this episode, as I was fucking rooting for the bad guy the whole way through to finally take care of Lana Lang once and for all. And the enemies were so fucking goddam predictable in who they were and whatever the fuck they did, that it made Trespass into a complete and utter non-fucking-event as far as I was ever concerned...

And WTF was with Brody? Or Broody, or whatever the fuck his name was? Was he already so tired and sick of stalking Carter over on SG-1 that he now apparently took on a dark side apprentice to finally try to take out Lana for us? Yet even that failed miserably, giving us a story propping Lana up as the heroine, resulting in absolutely one of the worst fucking hours of television ever fucking made? WTF?...

I won't even comment on Kristen Kreuk. It's gotten to the point where her "excuse me, princess" acting on the series has gotten so damn eye-wretching bad, that it even makes me want to do horrible things to the actress herself. Hell, I wouldn't even want to put up with angry sex with the bitch anymore, considering she'd probably bitch me out during the whole fucking process, on just how incompetent I am at the whole fucking bedroom scene. I mean seriously, going to Clark's house (the secret lover's room) is the last place anyone would look, she argued? WTF? God, I feel so damn sorry for Lex sometimes...

And must I comment on Clark? Considering Superman has always been the biggest damn stalker on the face of the planet, in both this series and the comic books to boot, is it any wonder then that in Trespass, we'd get a full onslaught of an hour of him just whining and pining away about that bitch of a girl he lost? Doesn't he realize just how lucky he is that he missed out on that bitch of a sinking ship? Good fucking riddance, yet why the fuck won't the writers just let us forget about this stupid fucking high school crush of his that ended in the comic books way back at the fucking goddam prom. Why can't they ever learn from example? WTF?...

.. I thought that maybe I would at least have some sort of semblance of mercy, for an episode dealing with stalker and high school goddam obsessions...

But even that fucking bitch of mine back then wouldn't have been dumbass enough to ever willingly watch this fucking episode...

... not even if she was bonded tight and helpless to a bed... which I imagine was the kind of kinky shit she liked, but I digress...

So why the fuck did I ever fucking waste an entire fucking hour of my life on this fucking trepass of shit all over my soul of a property?...

... as yes, I would literally sell my fucking soul to UNSEE this fucking atrocious, piece of shit of an episode...

Because if I ever wanted to hear constant whining and griping and goddam bitching about fucking goddam stalker shit?...

Short story short, The Shroud has absolutely been my most anticipated episode in the series since The Pegasus Project. Or even moreso than that newly crowned classic of an episode turned out to be, as who the fuck could possibly resist the threat of Daniel Jackson becoming a Prior of the Ori?...

When the tenth season of the show started, the writers and producers spoke of a new season long arc for Daniel, where he would slowly turn towards the dark side of the force, so to speak. It had already begun in Prototype with Khalek last year in some respects, and his outbursts against the ascended Ancients in The Pegasus Project spoke volumes as to where Daniel's storyline was going for the season. When I first heard of the synopsis for The Shroud, I was literally begging for this episode to come in anticipation of what I honestly expected to be an amazing character piece between good and evil and beyond. What I expected, was an episode about saving Daniel Jackson's heart and soul...

... what lofty expectations... and suffice to say, they were a bit too high and ultimately exaggerated in that regard...

The Shroud was an overall excellent episode, but obviously you two readers out there can already forbode that it was not quite the showing that I had hoped from the series. Don't get me wrong, I was still amazed and astounded by the writing and the acting throughout this week's episode Stargate SG-1. It's just that, the plotline for The Shroud was just not what I was expecting in the end, as we really got more of a bottle episode of comedy than anything else truly relating to the epic hearts and souls of man like I had initially expected...

We did get the return of Richard Dean Anderson as General Jack O'Neill, and for the first time since perhaps Threads, he really had a great and pivotal role in the series. That's the weird thing though, his acting here in The Shroud, it almost felt like the actor hadn't missed a beat. He talked and spoke and waltzed in like he had never left the base or the show in the first place. There was basically no catching up to do, no hello's or fateful goodbye's you'd expect from what could possibly turn out to be RDA's very last appearance on the series he once produced...

Jack O'Neill was simply there as a friend, seemingly oblivious to the fact that the audience hasn't really seen him in true form for the last two whole years. It felt weird and perhaps a tad bit off to notice that nobody else on the cast and crew seemed to be wondering what the heck RDA was doing there. Then again, it was also a welcome change of pace for us as an audience to not be thrown through the hoops and the motions as to the return of the true patriarch of the series...

And RDA truly did shine here in The Shroud, in the kind of way that I still so sorely miss back from the old days of Stargate SG-1. Hell, even Abyss (one of the best SG-1 episodes ever made) was referenced here by Daniel, as honestly, the show just hasn't been the same without that good ol' Jack and Daniel banter of yonder yore. Like I mentioned before though, it just kind of felt weird how the two of them just jumped right back into their old gimmick of firing quips at one another, yet it also felt familiar and comfortable, like slipping on an old pair of shoes, so to speak. Because honestly, who the fuck can't get enough of Jack and Daniel firing away at one another over Daniel's loyalty in the past, whether Woolsey would turn out to be a total pompous ass yet again or not, or how great of a look that Daniel was sporting as a goddam Prior...

It was just... weird... to see Michael Shanks doing his patented comedic looks while painted with the face of a goddam Prior... weird, indeed...

In effect, that's why I'm still iffy on The Shroud, so to speak. I really expected it to be a dark-sided, or perhaps double edged of a sword of an episode, with Richard Dean Anderson returning as Jack O'Neill to bring Daniel back into the light side of the fold. But alas, that's not what The Shroud was really about, as really the episode amounted to Jack and Daniel on the ZPM cloaked Odyssey, talking about Jackson's master plan to use the last of Merlin's knowledge and magical might to send the newly finished anti-ascended weapon all the way to the Ori galaxy...

It was indeed an episode of trust, of Daniel convincing Jack and the others that turning off the Supergate was the right thing to do, and I did love all the acting and performances that were done in true form. Whether it was Jack and Daniel dancing around the topic of the anti-Prior device, or the restraints that the good doctor was locked in, or the fact that Daniel looked like whatever freak of the week Jack cited that he resembled, I really did enjoy almost every second of The Shroud. It's just that, it wasn't the true heir of a classic of an episode that I thought it would immediately become, truthfully in part because of my own expectations, and half because the plotline and the ending all just seemed a tad bit rushed and a tad bit forced for my own goddam liking...

But then, of course, can I really fault an episode for having Adria look this fucking smokin' goddess hot?...

First she starts sexing up her mom's love interest, then turns Jackson into her own personal pimp of a sex slave. Can you smell the fresh Elektra love in the air tonight?...

But honestly, except for the ugly ass Prior look, what SciFi geek wouldn't fall in love with the dark side of the force if Morena is the one preaching it? Now sure, the battle of wits in this episode, between Daniel and Adria (with both Vala and Merlin filling in the love triangle tryst), could've been executed better than just short little flashback sequences. But I admit, even I was questioning what was going on at the end for a moment, when Daniel beamed onto the Ori ship and almost convinced Adria that he had conned the people of earth into finishing the weapon for them against the Ancients. In that retrospect, The Shroud was superbly written and excellently executed...

Or perhaps, it was just my inner hopes rising there, kind of wishing that perhaps Daniel was indeed turning into the villain of the story that I had hoped he would become from the synopsis. Who really knows?...

Because I don't know, some of the scenes just didn't seem to click with me, whether it was because of my own expectations or not. Having Vala sit on Daniel's lap, telling him that she trusts him completely, yet refusing to remove his restraints thanks to a shred of doubt, felt more like text read straight from a teleprompter than anything filled with real emotion. I'm not saying that the actress didn't do a good job in her delivery, but it's just that, the scene didn't work considering we as an audience kinda knew that Daniel there wasn't a real threat. It in turn felt like an extended scene used as filler for budget reasons, as really we felt no real merit to whatever concerns Vala might've had. And if anything, not enough of her own personal feelings for Daniel were written into that scene in my own personal opinion, although the tears in her eyes and her breaking throat of a voice earlier on before they had captured Daniel as a Prior, felt genuine enough for me right from the start...

Teal'c came in to give his respects to his long time friend as well, although once again, the writers didn't seem to use Christopher Judge's acting chops to their best potential. If anything, I would've expected more tales of how Daniel and co had trusted Teal'c numerous times in the past simply on blind faith and friendship, yet instead we got no mention of anything from the good ol' days of SG-1. Instead, Teal'c was the one doing the questioning, getting Daniel to reveal the intricacies of his plan and how he was afraid the Ancients might intervene if he had completed the weapon himself. I personally did like the plot points scattered here and there, but I just didn't feel the kind of connection between Teal'c and Daniel that once used to be there in the past, especially considering Teal'c was once the first prime of the greatest of Goa'uld at the time, not to mention the man who killed Daniel's first fucking wife...

It was weird too, how Sam and Cam never really bothered to check in on Daniel after it seemed like the anti-Prior device was working. Well, Cam I can understand, considering he's been the one with the least amount of exposure to Daniel in the past, but as for Carter? Why was she holed up in the backroom, running simulations on Mark IX warheads detonated behind Stargates anyhew? Not that I didn't like that plotline (kudos to her, for her own personal second blown up Stargate in history), but it just felt devoid of emotion, considering I had expected this episode to be all about bringing Daniel back to our side of the spectrum. After Daniel had sent SG-1 to the Ori ship per his plan, the rest of the episode merely consisted of Sam and Cam playing superheroes, taking out Ori soldiers with ease and then getting their ass whooped by Adria in the end...

Indeed, The Shroud was all about Daniel and Jack, Jack and Daniel, not that I had any real problem with that (Abyss still stands as one of my favourite episodes, like I stated before). And once again, don't get me wrong, I loved the comedy bits between the two. Whenever Daniel was freaking out in his chair, whenever Jack was admitting that he never understands what others are saying, and whenever the two were agreeing that while some things change, other things stay the same? I certainly laughed, and I certainly felt nostalgia for the yonder days of Jack and Daniel banter of old...

And if only my own goddam expectations for this episode weren't at their highest for Stargate SG-1 in goddam years? Well, then...

... then maybe I wouldn't be feeling so much like joining the dark side of the force here myself, to be honest...

Because like I said, I did love The Shroud. But it just wasn't the instant classic that I was hoping it would be...

... though without a shadow of a doubt, it was still one of the best episodes that the series has done in years, and absolutely Richard Dean Anderson's best damn performance since he left the series with Threads...

I'm still left with lingering threads of my own when it comes to The Shroud though. I'm still not satisfied with how it finished, dangling on the notion that the ascended Ori in their own galaxy had been wiped out by Merlin's wave of a bomb. We do witness five or six more Ori ships entering our own galaxy through the reopened Supergate, but we never get confirmation whether their gods are truly dead. Because if the actual Ori truly are gone (or at least neutralized, as that's how the Asgard made the energy weapon sound last season), then obviously I can't help but be ultimately disappointed, for such great villains to be dismissed after just five minutes of action on the series...

Then again, watching Daniel lay the smackadown on Adria's buttery, candy ass sure was sweet as hell. Hell, I'd too fucking smack her behind with my extended hand and fist any fucking day of the week, and I'm sure Jackson sure will miss that now that he's returned back to his former human self...

And what RDA and Michael Shanks episode would not be complete without a ruffle of the hair and a fucking fruit basket for their trials and tribulations? Or hell, a gift card, or even a fucking coupon to Amazon.ca would be welcome, yet silence is the only golden thanks that earth ever seems to get...

The Shroud truly was an amazing and captivating episode, and definitely will go down as one of the best of season ten...

But once again though, I'll be perfectly honest. I expected more... and I wanted more...

After ten seasons of fighting gods and slaying demons, I wanted Daniel to question his faith, only for his friends to struggle to restore the true heart and soul of the SG-1 team...

But now, I guess before the series ends, we'll never really get that... and I'm okay with that, I suppose...

... though perhaps, it's true nature was just a tad bit too shrouded for its own good...

Y2kk Update: - Battlestar Galactica: Taking a Break From All Your Worries Review (Spoilers...) -

Wow. Ron Moore must really love those long, goddam, overpretentious titles there. Must help him lay down his burdens, eh?...

But really, was "Taking a Break From All Your Worries" really long enough to satisfy his stunted dick? Why not try something with a tad bit more meat?...

Why not go with "Peter Jackson's King Kong: The Official Game of the Official Movie", or "Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney: Justice For All" or some shit like that?...

Well, the former may have been pure shit, but the latter is kicking my ass and making me its bitch right now, so...

... which is far more than I can say for Battlestar Galactica at this point in time...

Taking a Break From All Your Worries simply did not put any of my fears to rest that the series has jumped the proverbial shark of an arc, as if I was watching the trainwreck of Buffy the Vampire Slayer's seventh season all over again. Because you just know that something is going wrong with a series, when during Taking a Break From All Your Worries, I found myself wishing that I could take constant breaks from this episode in the goddam washroom...

... as yes, all the fucking goddam, emo-teen angst was making me actually prefer the smell of my own shit, believe it or not...

Now sure, there were a few scant pluses in the episode. Mainly, the Baltar interrogation scene while he was hallucinating in the water was decent enough, if only because Admiral Adama was there to temper or tempest the tides. In essence though, even that noteworthy scene contributed almost nothing to the series that the audience didn't already know or realize, as it's Laura Roslin, the supreme ruling bitch, who finally takes the credit on the series of finally realizing something is mystical and integrally linked about the goddam "Final Five"...

Baltar may have had some decent emotional scenes, such as hanging himself at the start in hope that he was indeed a Cylon, or getting himself stabbed in the neck by Lt. Gaeta (who was absolutely the worst fucking guy to send into the room to conceal a goddam hidden camera, might I add...). Yeah, the writers valiantly tried to make Baltar into some sort of fallen, tragic hero or some shit like that, but all it did in the end was make me puke at the sight of all that white semen-like goo dripping from his goddam Jesus-clone of a beard...

Anyhew, the vast majority of this episode was completely wasted on the fucking teen angst tryst of Lee Adama, Kara Thrace, Anders and fucking Dualla. And hell, the writers even threw in Chief Tyrol as a fucking pathetic drinking buddy of Adama's, not like I gave two shits about whether Cally was beating him up the ass at night or not...

My God, was Lee Adama fucking pussy-whipped in every fucking dimension and definition of the word. First, he puts up with the fucking emo-shit of Dualla, the fucking constant nag of a hag that he should just pimp-slap back to the twig of a nest. Next, he gets his ass handed to him by Starbuck, or at least lack thereof, being too much of a pussy himself to go fist her starlit, beaming tatoo of a bullseye ass. Finally, he loses whatever semblance of a spine he had still left by the end of the episode, by crawling back to Dualla as if he had just been clubbed in the back of the head with a goddam emo-whip...

And of course, nothing really gets solved in this god-awful, love quadrangle of a fucking writer mess. Who the fuck thought this shit would ever be better than Black Market, I don't know. Either way, whoever wrote Taking a Break From All Your Worries should fucking take a break and take a hike from the goddam writers' table, if I had my fucking way at least...

Starbuck here has been grossly misused, reducing her role to the equivalent of that of Smallville's own fucking Lana Lang. Kara used to be such a great character in the first season of the show, despite her Super Starbuck-ness and all the fucking relationship crap she was getting herself into...

Now, the writers have fucking written themselves into an infinite hole by plugging her own whore of a hole all the way up with fucking Anders' dick of all things. Granted, they also didn't help themselves out by picking absolutely one of the most bone-headed and wooden actors that they could ever find to play the pyramid-challenged dunce, as he mightedly struggled to force his way through the piss poor dialogue of Leoban's "plan" in the end for Kara, but whatever. A shit storyline deserves shit ass actors thanks to complete and utter shitasstic directing, if I do dare say so myself...

Really, is there anything positive to comment about this episode at all? Sure, some of the cinematography was decent, but that's a given considering this is shaky cam Battlestar Galactica we're talking about here. I expected more, far more, from the third season of the series that once brought us classics like The Hand of God, Kobol's Last Gleaming and Pegasus...

Just more whining and pining and bitching from all teen angst cast and characters on the set, all trying desperately to make Dualla look like the good girl on the set, yet obviously all failing miserably? WTF?...

Seriously, if Taking a Break From All Your Worries is the fucking best the writers can come up with these days?...

... then alas, they're better off taking a hike, and I'm better off taking a shit...

As really, I think it's high time that we as audience, to send a clear cut message to the powers that be?...

Y2kk Update: - Smallville: Crimson small Smallville Week in Review (Spoilers...) -

First of all, it made no fucking sense in the bluish of hells, as to why the fuck Smallville was airing their Valentine's Day episode this week, rather than next week when instead they're showing some other kind of dumbass new episode. It's like fucking Thanksgiving all over again, except we get red kryptonite along with every fucking character acting like complete and utter goofs of turkeys...

... I actually sort of enjoyed Crimson for what it was worth, believe it or not...

"Lois and Clark get hitched together... by 'Kal-El' of Stargate SG-1? What the fuck kind of fucked up coincidence is that? WTF?"...

Pfft. As if Lois and Clark would ever get together in real life. The two of them have absolutely zero chemistry with one another. WTF is that love potion number 9 Kal-El smoking, thinking they had some fate, as if Sandra Bullock from the former film would somehow find herself a goddam career? WTF?...

But to be honest? As cheesy as all their fucking romance scenes were, I kind of had this sick kind of puppy indulgence with them. Even though he wasn't flying or anything, I actually did kind of feel a sense of wonder and awe when Clark had Lois in his arms and leapt tall buildings in a single bound. Lois herself looked like a complete whore the whole way through with whatever god-awful get-up she had on, but even I've got to admit, she looked pretty damn fine in the end with all those horny, "come hither" looks she gave with a tatoo on top...

Oh, and nice fucking product placement with the mixed CD, writers. As if forcing all their shit "ballad" music on us in the first place wasn't degrating enough...

Oddly enough though, it wasn't weird to see Lois acting like "a girl" for once. While she was a bit over the top with her goddam sluttiness, and it rolled my eyes yet again to realize that she of course would lose all her memory of the day, I really did feel like Erica Durance put a lot of herself into this episode, and made her lust for Clark into something at least a tad bit believable. It wasn't like some crap Smallville episode where Chloe with a parasite in her neck finally gets to fall off a cliff for Clark or some shit like that. If anything, Crimson felt more like proper foreshadowing of the future than some footnote of a cheap hack of a stunt that the writers pulled out of their asses for no good reason, as is usually the case...

Poor Chloe though, always kept in Clark's back pocket. Of course he would have thought about having a relationship with her, considering how fucking cute and loyal and perfect that blonde bitch really is. She really didn't deserve to have her mind fucked over like it was in Crimson, but if you looked closely I guess, you'd notice that it was her mind that was the fucked with the least. Even under the influence of red kryptonite, Clark still was mostly supportive of Ms. Sullivan when crashing the party. That's gotta mean something, right?...

Now, I really could've done without the goddam 'shipper angst of "J-Chloe", or whatever the fuck Chloe called her relationship with Jimmy. I didn't care when they broke up, as it broke my heart more that I wasted my time watching this kind of bullshit on television than anything else. But whenever it came to Clark and Lois, I was impressed how Chloe took a backseat in principle in the episode, yet still managed to come out on top in looking like the only real sensible woman in the entire fucking series. She was loyal to Clark to the end, which is why I seriously don't get how he could possibly choose both Lois Lane and Lang fucking Lang over this fucking sweetheart of a horny girl...

As for Lana fucking Lang? Why, there's the Valentine's Day massacre for you right then and there. Did I give a shit about any scene she was it? I doubt it, considering all she did was whine and bitch to Lex about refusing to announce the pregnancy and shit like that. If there was any real reason to enjoy this episode, it was to see Lana Lang hurl herself off the proverbial balcony at having her engagement party crashed like it was by Clark. I literally balled out laughing at her scrunched up, teen angsty face as Clark revealed her pregnancy to everyone there...

The only thing that ruined my enjoyment, was the fact that Lana once again tried to be the darling damsel in distress at the end of the episode, practically begging to be raped (... and I say that 'loosely'...) from her fucking goddam sluttiness. So, she loves Clark and he still loves her, we get it. Do we really have to deal with her becoming a bigger part of the season again, finding the bent shed tool and realizing that Clark does indeed have a secret? Why the fuck did she have to bother growing a brain now? Couldn't she have just fucking married Lex Luthor like any good gold digger would have, and then fucking boxed herself from the view of the goddam audience of the show for the rest of the goddam series? WTF?...

Oh, Lex Luthor. Why is it that even in episodes where he's meant to be the supreme bad guy, I always feel bad for the poor lug whenever he's with Lana fucking Lang? Was it just me, or did I actually feel empathy for the guy as he pulled a gun out on Clark for Lana Lang. Every single damn time that somebody out there becomes that fucking pussy-whipped by the goddam bitch, who had just slutted it up with Clark in the goddam barn by the way, an angel loses it's wings and sheds a tear, J-lo and behold. And as a result, poor Lex Luthor has become just a pale shadow of his former self...

... or at least, that's what we assumed until the true nature of the pregnancy was finally revealed...

And how the fuck can I fault the guy when he and Clark literally made for one of the only damn compelling scenes in the entire damn season of Smallville? The party crash scene was alone worth the price of admission, as I wish Clark always had these kinds of balls whenever he ain't doped up on red kryptonite. It was about time that Martha Kent was called out on being a goddam slut just one year after the death of her loving husband. It was about time that Clark finally admitted his feelings for Chloe, even if she may never be his first choice. It was about time that somebody kicked Lana Lang off of her goddam heiress of a pedestal. And who here didn't feel sorry for Lex when Clark completely embarrassed him by abusing his bald ass?...

Priceless. Just fucking priceless, for the first time in the entire goddam series, no doubt...

Why is it that the only times that we as an audience can actually get behind Clark as a character and root for the "good guy", is when Superman's all suped up on goddam Red Kryptonite? Red-K Kal-El really is the only decent personality worth even noting in the goddam series...

... and "Kal-El", the Jaffa Warrior Princess from Stargate SG-1, definitely here seems to agree...

Now, just one week ago, I would've pegged Crimson as yet another Valentine's Day massacre of red fucking flowing blood. As considering all the fucking teen angst and goddam slasher-shipper shit going on, I really expected that when it comes to the writers this week, there would be fucking hell to pay...

But surprise, surprise? I actually enjoyed the rampart of rampant stupidity known only as Crimson. WTF?...

Y2kk Update: - Stargate SG-1: The Road Not Taken and Stargate Atlantis: Submersion Reviews (Spoilers...) -

When I first heard about this episode a while ago, I personally was hoping that it would be a road not taken by the writers, considering they very rarely pull off a decent episode when it comes to the whole multiverse thing...

Hell, the synopsis for The Road Not Taken sounded almost exactly like There Be The Grace of God from way back during the first season of the show. Why the fuck were we supposed to care about Carter, taking care of business against the Ori in an alternate universe anyhew?...

The thing is though, while The Road Not Taken definitely did have its share of eye-popping effects as I first suspected (seeing the entire earth phase-cloaked to protect it from the Ori was definitely more than note-worthy), I was completely wrong about this episode in the end. It wasn't really about the Ori or yet another zany multiverse episode where all actors get to play polar opposite parts (except for Cam, that is). But rather, almost every personality in this alternate universe that Carter was pulled into was exactly the same at the core as our own universe...

... the only real difference being, the Stargate program had gone public after the Anubis attack...

A lot of fans have wondered for a long time whether revealing the Stargate secret to the world's population would've helped or improved things in the long run. I mean, just imagine if all the United States of America (and Canada too, just for shits and giggles...) was working at the war factories, putting 110% into mass-producing Daedalus-class battlecruisers and F-302's, the same kind of production we came to expect from World War 2. Of course, a lot of rabid warmonger fanboys keep dreaming of the day that we have fleets of dozens of intergalactic starships, and the Stargate program going public is probably the only way that would ever occur...

But here in The Road Not Taken, the writers went with the MIB approach of things, and showed us their own version of what the world would be like if we constantly believed that peril would descend from the heavens. There was rioting in the streets, marshall law and curfews at nights, restrictions on media free speech, and even attacks on foreign countries using our F-302's. While the world wasn't quite as hellish as perhaps the writers would've liked us to believe, it definitely wasn't the rosy and cozy place we've come to know as home. Whether a state of martial law really would be required if the Stargate program in real life went public (...), I guess we may never know. But suffice to say, the possibility of it screwing up everyone's happy lives here on earth definitely is now looming over our heads...

The Road Not Taken was also a spectacularly entertaining episode in terms of all the little character changes and interactions here and there. It was interesting to see Cam as a old drunkard of a tossed-aside fighter pilot, the kind of path he might have taken if he didn't have the will power to make it back to his feet. Now, I think we all could've done without that ol' brown mop that they placed on his head, the same shit that somehow attached its way to Daniel's mug back in season eight's Moebius. But even so, I really did think Ben Browder did a great job in displaying his dismay at the goddam politics and ramifications for standing up to The Man...

You know, I would've suspected that an episode so heavily focused on Hank fucking Landry would've sucked fucking balls in the end. Turns out though, that it's only "General Landry" that sucks darth balls, while "President Hank Landry" was actually a good man in the end. Well, an entertaining one at the least, considering the writers tried to make him into some dumb hick of a warmonger president (hmm... wonder who they were channeling there?...). He was well intentioned, and he did what he had to do to save the country both from the Ori and itself. In hindsight perhaps, you could argue that he never really had a choice in the matter, or at least he didn't three years ago. Either way, I personally thought it was the actor's best performance on the series in ages, as I even found myself captivated by the return of Prometheus as his own personal, "Air Force One"...

The bizarro world that Carter had landed herself into definitely had its perks. Seeing zats and Goa'uld torture pokers used in public was one thing, and having the president beamed up to the Prometheus for security measures was another. For a budget episode, The Road Not Taken was definitely surreal at times, its believability ruined at times only by the poor CG effects of all the lights in America being extinguished for the Ancient chair at hand. I personally welcomed this change in scenery though, when it comes to the Stargate being public and perhaps being feared by the public. And hell, I was kinda half hoping for those goddam hippie signs of, "The Ori are misunderstood; religious freedom!" too, but I guess we can't win them all...

The fans definitely did get a few great scenes though with some absolutely awesome cameos. While last year, we at least got Doc Frasier making a return, I was really disappointed that General Hammond never really made a "real" appearance. Chalk it up to an alternate universe episode then for the main teddy bear of a man to finally make his true return, as for the first time since The Lost City, Don Davis really delivered a great performance. He was torn between defending his friend, Hank Landry, and defending his own principles of civil liberties. He was a strong leader once more, who in the back of his mind always realized that while some harsh things must be done to preserve the lives of the people, sometimes the ends just do not justify the means. I missed this version of General Hammond, and it's just ironic that it took an alternate universe of an episode to get him back...

Just one question though. Who the fuck is this "Major Lorne"? You're talking about that lowly surveyor of a useless red shirt from season seven's "Enemy Mine", who's actor couldn't find a job anywhere else at the time, begged for a position on Stargate Atlantis, and now is ditching that show too for the 4400? How the fuck did he of all wannabe bastards become leader of SG-1 in the alternate universe over Sam, I have no clue. Either way though, he provided only one decent scene in the entire episode, and that was when he was shaking his head at the photo between Sam and her divorced, dotcom millionaire of an ex-husband...

And speaking of good ol' Rodney McKay? Has there ever been an episode of SG-1 where he hasn't fucking stolen the show? He was the one true saving grace of Moebius (along with geeky Carter), and he did it once again here while playing Samantha Carter's "ex-wife"...

It's weird, really, how an SG-1 episode in the end would somehow play the spiritual successor to Atlantis' McKay and Mrs. Miller. But all the little references here, from the universal bridge that McKay once created to even getting along with his sister in the alternate reality, made The Road Not Taken into definitely one of my favourite episodes of the season for both series. How the fuck can't you love an hour of television where Rodney is all pumped up from being called "brave" and "selfless", only to be shot down with a fucking lie from the backstabbing woman who looks exactly like his dead ex-wife? What a fucking bitch he would probably say, along with Carter being "more trouble than she's worth"...

And WTF? Did anyone else get the impression by the end of the episode, that our Carter was sort of falling for that universe's Rodney McKay? I guess you could argue that she was simply showing some respect for the man that she got caught in her web of politics, but really, did anyone else feel a tad bit of chemistry when they were nudging each other in the shoulder at world's end? Was it just me, or with Carter going to Atlantis next season, we may get a bit more of our little dynamic science duo here? Because if The Road Not Taken is any real indication of how Atlantis season four will play out, then it definitely is the road that I want the writers to take...

As much as I loved McKay though, this was truly Amanda Tapping's episode, and she really did manage to shine. Not only that, but hot damn, she was blistering hot as a fucking MILF with that dress she wore to the celebrity ball, and she was cute as fuck throughout the rest of the show as well, especially when she was with McKay. What is with the actress and always bringing her A-game of being absolutely adorable in the second half of each and every season? I really don't know, but how the fuck can I ever complain about a combustible combination of hot fucking blondeness along with a science girl capable of phase-shifting the entire planet of earth away from the weapons of the Ori? She truly was a perfect woman in this episode, and I really don't get how McKay could've ever let a girl let that get away...

... as we know our own Rodney McKay would never let that happen, whether Carter wants it to or not...

Now, it's kind of weird to be praising an episode that was anything but a real SG-1 team-oriented showing. Cameron Mitchell barely got any screen time at all, except wearing a fucking mop in an alternate universe, and admitting that he had been talking to an empty room in the base for two fucking weeks to keep Carter company. Hell, that was the only purpose of Teal'c and Vala either, as little sidekicks of happy meal humour at the end really...

And yet? I really did feel a nice sense of closure there by the end of the episode, as if felt like everyone in this alternate universe had learned their lesson. Hammond refound his respect for civil liberties, President Hank Landry was back on his course to saving the world not just from the Ori but from his own war doctrines, and hell, McKay had perhaps refound his love for life, despite the fact he took a fucking huge paycut thanks to the goddam government...

As for back at home? Cam and Teal'c and Vala were just so damn happy to have Carter back, and Sam herself was just so relieved to be back home, that their adoration for one another was simply goddam infectious...

As that adorable little hug that Vala gave Carter at the end? The way they cuddled and fondled each other then and there?...

Submersion really was shit. Do I really need to sugar coat anything? The writers should be drowning themselves 20000 leagues under the goddam ocean for spewing out an episode that was this much of a vile fucking waste of sewage time...

Now, as a long time SciFi fan, I guess I can appreciate some of the art and camera-work they put into this episode. The music, and lighting, the cinematography, and all that other crap was all done in an effective claustrophobic manner, in a way that reminded me more of James Cameron's The Abyss than anything else...

... hell, even Sheppard mentioned it at one point or another, how this episode felt just a tad bit too close to that movie for comfort...

It really, really, ridiculously fucking sucked ass. James Cameron's worst fucking movie ever, perhaps...

So obviously a cheap knock-off of an underwater thriller with a SGA budget would be anything but decent in my book. I understand what the writers and director were trying to get at here, but it was the wrong fucking road to take...

Was there anything to report about this episode? It was a complete non-factor, as simply put, it was yet another Teyla episode with absolutely zero emotional effect or goddam character development. Short story short, she senses a Wraith, she fights the Wraith, she loses at first, then tricks the Wraith Queen into believing some dumbass shit. Then we get a requisite scene of Dr. Weir and Teyla cuddling and fondling one another, consoling each other that they're strong woman who just want to feel sexually liberated and free...

Dr. Weir was really just there as moral support, cheering her girlfriend, Teyla, on with all that crap about tricking a Wraith Queen and shit like that. Besides that, it's no wonder why her role is being reduced on the series next season, as Elizabeth was a complete non-factor here. Hell, considering the SGA team was in the frigid depths of the ocean, I at least expected the requisite scene of her getting her tight ass T-shirt all wet and soaked in the freezing cold water, and having her come up from the pool of ice with pointed, fucking bare titty nipples. Where the fuck was my goddam ripplage of nipplage? God, the writers frustrate me to no end sometimes with just how they never take the series in the direction it's meant to go...

Since Submersion was a Teyla episode, obviously we got a few goddam shipper sequences with both Ronan and Sheppard from here and there. Really though, the only decent scenes featuring either of those two characters were when they weren't with Teyla, as having Ronan get his ass kicked by the little shrimp of a woman is hardly what I consider to be great television entertainment. Probably the only moment in Submersion where I actually felt tension and you know, the rare excrement of excitement, was when the Wraith Queen was making Sheppard kneel down to eat her pussy out. Ronan somehow missed with his shot soon afterwards in their little threesome, and it was all fucking downhill from there with goddam Wraith-telepathy, emo-crap...

Even Rodney McKay couldn't save this episode. Both he and Zelenka were essentially holed up in some bunker parts of the underwater Ancient complex, and didn't contribute anything to the scene but whining and complaining that Teyla was sensing nothing more than phantoms or Zoners. I did appreciate the long walk that Rodney had with Sheppard on the ocean floor (...), and you gotta give some props to the guy who trying his best to take the Wraith Queen out on the submerged cruiser and all that other shit. But the writers had tried to keep the science guys as low on the ocean food chain as possible in Submersion, allowing the women on the show to fucking take the whip reigns and bond with one another instead, and it resulted in absolutely the most boring piece of filler crap I have ever watched outside of the last goddam episode of Gilmore Girls...

Seriously, writers, if you're gonna rip off a James Cameron film, fucking rip(ley) off a good one, motherfuckers...

And honestly, if only the whole fucking episode had consisted of just Dr. Weir, Teyla, Lt. Cadman, Sora, and maybe that hot exploding chick of last week in Dr. Houston, all playing in the frigid ice pools with wet, tight T-shirts on and off, then maybe, just maybe I could forgive the writers for completely goddam ignoring Dr. Carson Beckett's unjustified death from just one week prior. But considering we neither got a wet T-shirt fight nor a single fucking mention of the good deceased doctor, even when the SGA team was pumping the Wraith Queen onboard full of horny Valentine Day's drugs, then you know something just ain't right with the series...

Especially not when Teyla had absolutely zero chemistry with either Ronan or Sheppard...

... but somehow just had so much allure and lust for the touch of Dr. Elizabeth Weir in her eyes...

... yet for some godddam reason, the writers still don't put those two crazy cat bitches together, locked in an aphrodisiac of a room...

[c. visitors too bored to return...]
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