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Friday, January 24th, 2003

Y2kk Update: You know, the other day, the girl I talk too much about sort of told me she had been wary of me at first... because simply put, when we first met a couple years ago, she thought I was a bit of a tad of a tallywacker of a weirdo, so to speak... and, well... I was about to respond to her the same way that I did to my obsession when she told me the same damn thing, that being strange in somebody's eyes is quite possibly the greatest compliment I have ever heard... or at least, as great as a loser like me can ever expect, anyhew... But alas, the only girl that ever chooses to make eye contact with me no longer thinks that I'm different. She's indifferent to me being indifferent. She's built up some sort of a natural antidote to my stupidity factor or some crap like that... or at least, I hope she has... And strangely enough, not being considered strange has sort of... well... made me feel a little less than a man... sort of like a man is supposed to feel, but that's besides the point...

But thankfully, while she's become immune to my idiotic charms, the rest of my friends at university haven't. The other day, I checked my noname counter at the bottom of this page at school, and shouted out at the top of my lungs, "YES! I'm in the Eighties!" when I saw my hits climb to 1981... Of course, my friends just stared back at me with stunned, sirly faces, shifted their chins and flattened their beaks, and asked what the hell was I talking about?... and, well... that was the day after I screamed out, "YES! 1969! Good times!" at my website to another friend of mine, but sadly and apparently, my rash of idle fun with my website counter will soon draw to a department close. Because last time I checked today, my hits had finally arrived at exactly 2003. Although it's nice to see synchronicity in action in my own homepage or whatever, it does sort of make my frown turn, well... not upside down... because now what can I scream back at the folks at school? That yes, I'm in the Star Trek era? That yes, the end of the world draws nigh? Or yes, that I'm no longer in the Stargate continuity era, which has already long passed, counterively speaking, of Curse of a course?

There's not much to say about this week's episode of SG-1, Disclosure. Because simply put, it was a clip show, and probably not the best of the toe clippers either. I was never a big fan of whatever that episode was called, where O'Neil and the team were captured by Hathor, but I did enjoy Politics, especially since Senator Kinsey was so damn one dimensional that it made my head shake feverously from the bad writing. And Kinsey was back in full stupid stride this episode, as he cleverly manipulated the all-too stereotypical world diplomets into giving him full power of the NID and the Stargate program. In the end however, Hammond managed to play the final trump card from his sleeve, and had Thor have a hilarious, little finger pointing section to persuade the ambassadors to keep O'Neil at the helm of the whole gig. And, well... First things first, I can't do a run down of the main cast, considering there weren't even here, although Davis constantly reminding the crew that SG-1 keeps saving the world over and over and over again did sort of get on my funny bone nerves. And as a Trekkie "shipper" (I like starships, I mean), I did enjoy his little rant of a listing of the X-3-oh-whatever series, and his little overview of Goa'uld vessels, although I couldn't help but laugh at the fact that Death Gliders still only have an English name .. Hammond finally got the chance to shine for the first time this entire season. It's just too bad he didn't get any memorable lines, such as the speed dial one in Unnatural Selection... I've mentioned Kinsey before, and he really didn't play his part with the conviction or convict passion that he did in Politics, so no luck there... And as for the ambassadors themselves? You've got to love the patented British, "WHAT?!", and the bloody "bloody" that always has to be fit into a show. The French guy did absolutely nothing but whine and wine, which is always a plus for me. And the Chinese delegate was reasonably accurate I imagine, but I thought it was kind of stupid how he wanted to fully disclose the whole Stargate project to the people, even though I knew he really was just using it as a bargaining chip, ala Russia and the now defunk DHD thingy. And as for Colonel Chekov? I thought he played his best role since Redemption (which was, um, the last time we saw him...). He was smart, and wise, and deceitfully cheeky and sneaky in his speech with the Chinese guy as well. But most importantly, he trusts the US now, otherwise he wouldn't expect to get the X303 specs once the ship is finally ready and operational... And overall, I thought Disclosure was a decent filler of an episode that hopefully will save a lot of money for Full Circle, the season finale. My only real problem was the ending, which was rushed for really no apparent reason, especially considering they really had no excess of material to squeeze into the confines of single episode at the expense of a decent conclusion... and that, Commander - sorry, Supreme Commander - is my whiny rant for the day...

And that's the thing that bothered me most about the Buffy forums this week. Now, I'm not just whining now about whiny rants like I always do. But rather, I'm whining about all the whiny rants about whiny rants on the forums... Or actually, the whiny characters on their Buffy screens, namely Dawn and whoever else, and they used this week's episode, Potential, as the perfect example of that. The thing was, many long term Buffy fans still hate Dawn, simply because they feel she ruins the team dynamic on the show. She does nothing but whine and act as the princess to be saved, causing Buffy to rally behind her and really nobody else. And there are even some who feel cheated that Buffy and co. still have altered memories of the past compared to us viewers, but that's besides the jealousy point... The point is, they thought they saw potential in Dawn in Potential, but still hated her guts for being there. And quite frankly, I find that absurd... I really did like Dawn in Potential, and I've enjoyed her in many episodes of past (except that awful Halloween dating game one, but I digress). I thought she acted rather well after she was slammed into a wall by that potential finder of a green cloud. She nervously fiddled with her fingers rather convincingly, and although it was pretty damn stupid for her to leave the house, I did like her subtle reactions as she glistened and listened to nobody but Xander give her credit downstairs. And honestly, I thought her scenes with Amanda rivaled some of the best of the season, as Amanda did an excellent job of awkwardly acting terrified, and Dawn did a rather Buffyesque job of coaching the potential into taking her homecoming crown... Now, I admit that Xander's speech at the end did get a real reaction out of me: I laughed. I laughed so damn hard, simply because his words were so damn, extraordinarily cheesy. But still, he did have a point, one of which many forum posters rarely concede. That simply put, Dawn has no powers. And thus, she represents us on the screen. Hell, she pretty much represents me, although I think Warren and Andrew do a better job of that than her... And it's ironic that normal people on the forums are whining about Dawn being just a normal, whiny character on the show... when as Xander points out, that's her greatest strength. Maybe she should get a cape... or maybe show her thong. That would be catacombs cool, but I digress...

Overally, I enjoyed Potential more than most of the past few weeks of episodes, simply because all-too-powerful Buffy was sort of out of the fighting picture. I admired how Dawn had trouble breaking that flagship of a flagpole, although Amanda staking the vampire at the end was a little too easy for close comfort. As for Amanda, her best work was definitely her talk with Buffy at the end, where her awkward pose and poise delivered a wonderful execution of, "A vampire attacked me tonight. Problem."... The rest of the potential slayers certainly did show potential, especially Linux Vi or whatever that hat girl is named. Not only did she look adorable in that little whatever on her head, but she looked positively alluring when she blushed from the remembrance of her little, helpless girls statement. Rona stereotypically was the toughest of the bunch, and Kennedy was naturally the leader, being the oldest and most trained of course. I forget what the other potential on the show was (Molly right? Gosh, she looks so posh hot, that I almost forgot how bad her accent was...), but I do remember one thing... Where the hell was Chloe? Sure, I know she had scheduling problems and thus couldn't be on the show, but couldn't they have at least mentioned she went with Giles to China or something?... As for the main cast, Giles was missing in action, but Spike took his place of prominence with a few good lines and a tender rubbing that I wish I had from Buffy... although, um, is it me, or is Spike no longer insane now that the First Evil is no longer there? And secondly, he was able to hurt the potentials without any pain. I had just assumed that in Never Leave Me, he had just assumed that his chip was no longer working. But now it seems, the tables have turned, and it appears that I had assumed that he assumed that his assumption was not assumed... or, um, nevermind... Andrew didn't get many comedic moments, and I personally hate Dragonball Z so I didn't get that line, but Anya more than made up for the lack of geekiness in this episode, as her comments on Dawn having an abbrievated life span and being swallowed whole by something larger, simply had me howling at my television set. Willow wasn't part of the action very much and neither was Xander, although he did get that speech at the end which got most girls on the forum rather soberly sobby rather than snobby... and, well... I see they still haven't become immune to him, I, um, see...

And Buffy herself had some candid moments, notably the one in the bar where she mentions how every demon would gladly rip out the Slayer's throat, only to hug Clem and his TiVo loving ways a second later. And although her speeches do get a little huffy and stuffy and, um, buffy, from time to time, I did enjoy the moment where she closed the doors on the potentials and the vampire, since she really is turning into a great teacher (if murdering potentials counts as good teaching, that is). Maybe she could teach at Sunnydale high, and get a cape while she's at it or something?... Overall, I thought Potential had more than just potential. I thought it had good looking girls, a lot of hope, and a lot of style. I didn't see Dawn as whiny, but rather the way Xander has always seen her: for being the strongest, simply because she's never in the spotlight... and, well... I guess I did like that speech in the end, only because it gave my whiny ass some hope that I may one day be considered decently decent. But oh well, AOL, it looks like I'll never have American Pie or Paris, considering even fellow geeks like the girls on the Buffy forums won't accept me and my whiny antics. There really is no hope for me... or New Hope that is. Unless Dawn actually does play DragonballZ with Andrew's ballz in the end, but that's besides the point...

Friday, January 17th, 2003

Y2kk Update: ... wow... Who would've thunk? I was looking up some Aristotle info on the net for my History of Science course, when I carebearlessly stumbled across some Aristotle.net site that claimed to hold the meaning of life stuff... So since I've always been quite the philosopher's stone at heart, although I quite despised that movie, how could I possibly have turned my back and resisted the inclination to waste my homework hours on reading absolute, absolutism utter crap?... and, well... Suffice to say, that meaning of life website definitely had an interesting take on reality... Just like how so damn many net philosophers seem to take at whim, and manipulatate at their own, unadulterated discretion, this particular writer cited the theory of multiple universes, how all because an atom can exist in infinitely many states and infinitely many spaces all at the same time, there's supposedly an infinite amount of overlapping universes out there, one for each possible state and place and time for every single atom in the multiverse... and, well... I've never exactly been a big bang fan of this theory, although it did lead to some nice lesbian action in season 7 of Deep Space 9, but I digress...

Short story short, this website claimed we were created by 10th or 11th dimension creatures or whatever (I love how people accept superstring theory as if it's already canon...) along with infidel, infinitely many other universes out there. Thus, the meaning of life for us is simply to exist, the site says, because these god-like creatures up in the heavens are watching over our infinite amount of three dimensional universes as a Grade 9 science experiment or something, to test out infinite diversity or some crap like that... and, um... Of course, this theory doesn't explain what the meaning of life is for those 11th dimensional idiots out there, or any proof that this theory has any basis in reality whatsoever... but one thing's for sure... it did get me thinking, but not in the way it intended... Because I'm sure that in the writer's head at the time, his theory made perfect sense. And it does... if you're completely ignorant and completely ignore the facts of life... and reality... and of common sense... and, well... it all leaves me wondering in the end... about how my writing sounds to you readers out there? Do I really sound like I'm just spouting factless rhetoric day in and day out, like most internet writers have honed and sharpened to perfection? I mean, I'm not afraid of sounding insane. Insane is normal on the internet and has its fringe benefits; few people ever argue with the insane... I'm just afraid of sounding stupid, that's all; there is a difference between the two. Insane people make no sense. Stupid people try to be smart by taking stupid theories and turning them even more stupid. And, well... considering I write about the crap of my life, which nobody ever reads, and write no-name reviews of movies and TV episodes when I have no film class experience whatsoever, I guess I'm at least halfway there to canon, clerical, clairvoyant internet stupidity...

Anyhew, since there was neither a new Buffy or Enterprise episode this week, you'd better believe that I was sure as hell moping and hoping for a good Stargate SG-1 episode to Crimson tide me over for the time being... and, well... What I got instead was a messed up mix of the Matrix, Star Wars, and the Hunchback of Notre Dame, which wasn't exactly stellar according to my logbook. Simply put, Metamorphosis was a decent episode, but it was too simply dark (literally - I could barely see a thing) and too uneventful for my tastes. While the relational "shippers" on the net loved the moment where Sam rested her head on O'Neil's sholder, I was instead shaking my head at the fact that there was no build up to that moment whatsoever. It just happened, and then it was done. The same goes for the Russian Colonel's death. I mean, for once we had a Russian officer who wasn't given the lines of a jackass. He instead seemed like he actually respected O'Neil (is it one or two "L"s? Oh, nevermind...) and the American SG teams, but of course, in the end, he was just merely cannon fodder in the sci-fi style of the sixth man, and his death was really nothing more than a bleep on the show's shadow of a radar. And the death itself was a little too X-Men exaggerated for me. I mean sure, when cells break down, I guess they would release the water stored inside of their membranes in such a manner, but did the Stargate writers really have to do the water splashing off the bed thing at the start, just like it was done in X-Men? And couldn't there have been something else than pure water, like puss or semen or Vodka or some crap like that?

The main characters all had decent roles in this episode. O'Neil didn't get to say much, although I did like the look in his eye when he lied to the telepathic mutant or something... Carter just got to sweat a lot to look like she wasn't actually going to make it for once, Teal'c got to show off his muscles when he was holding up the jail gate for fun, and Jonas didn't have many lines, but probably has a larger ego now, considering he now knows he's special in the eyes of a certain girl Goa'uld, and that he's James Bond when it comes to the nurses back at base. Life is good for Jonas, isn't it? Except for one thing... I know it'll be brought up in later episodes, but why the hell did the mutants cure Sam and not Jonas with the machine? Sure, we knew Jonas wasn't going to die or anything, but they should've at least checked if he was changed... And the mutants themselves were kind of annoying to watch. Odin or Wodin or however you spell that stupid Norse name, was a little too schizophrenically powerful if you asked me. How he can stop a P90 bullet shot in mid-air, yet have trouble holding back Jonas' fist is beyond me. But nevertheless, I admit that the actor played the character with a certain, cretin passion and finesse, with the muffled voice and the cool, Darth Jedi hand movements. But in the end, I really couldn't care less whether he was in the show or not. Same goes for the telepathic guy, who apparently never was horny enough to ever look into the mind of the only hot girl in the entire fortress... And Nurrti herself ended up being nothing more than a prop. She cloaked, she zatted, she got her neck snapped in half. Nothing new. There wasn't even any Vodka. Her only purpose for being in the episode was to give some purpose, some excuse, or some meaning in life to bring Jedi mutants into the show, and to seduce Jonas for no apparent reason, just so he doesn't get short changed and left out when it comes to the online shippers. So overall, I wasn't a big bang fan of Metamorphosis. As I always say, I don't like change. Change is bad. I fear change. And therefore, I fear Metamorphosis... or at least, I was bored throughout most of it. The only part that did wake me up was the scene where the bullet froze in air, which of course has been done by The Matrix, Smallville, and whatever else other crap, pop culture, poop thing too many times to tell. Nevertheless, I did like the brief moments with the Russian team, and I do respect this episode, simply because O'Neil's constant plea to take him instead of Carter brought back the sense of teamwork and comradeship that has been kind of missing in action since... well... since the last episode I guess, but I digress...

But the real deal of a story for me this week finally concluded just about an hour ago, when God Speed to England, I finally finished Metroid Prime for Nintendo Gamecube... Sure, I guess I shouldn't be proud, considering I probably wouldn't have gotten even half of the missile expansions in the game if I didn't use the GameFAQs guide that I did. But thanks to legal cheating, I obtained a masterful 100% in the game, although it took me forever to get used to that holographic map system enough to actually figure out where the hell I had to go... and, well... the long-winded learning curves for such things as the 3d map were both an evangelist blessing and the greatest fault of Metroid Prime. It's kind of funny, actually - Metroid Prime was so damn polished and so damn innovative, that it took even a long time gamer like me forever to adjust. But before I dig a little deeper into Tallon IV and the game with a bunch of nested spoilers below, I might as well point out that Metroid Prime wasn't exactly an orgasmic or a totally organic experience of a pleasure until halfway through the game... I had only heard good things about Retro Studio's work, and I had been anticipating this game long before it ever wowed audiences at E3 2002, but I was starting to get real scared when the first boss or so appeared in the game, that Metroid Prime simply was not for me... I mean, unlike  Star Fox Adventures and Super Mario Sunshine, there was no nostalgic factor 5 involved for me. I had never played a Metroid game before, sadly enough. I skipped out on Super Metroid, even though I fully knew back then the legacy of the Hatchling Hunter, Samus Aran... So thank God, thank speed, and thank England, I suppose, that I ended up loving Retro Studio's first ever game as much as I ever thought I would. It truly is a miracle of a game, a golden hatchling that soars like a bird, and a prime example of how every game should be made.

It's kind of a funny story how I got the game in the first place, although I'm sure it'll sound rather dull and lacklustre and not very noble ornament to you few readers out there... I wanted to buy Metroid Prime in November the first day it arrived on shelves, but a little thing called university test harassment and a little hatchling of a calling known as final exams sort of made me postpone my date with destiny indefinitely... But sometime in December, I got an out of the blue, ICQ message from my brother at university. He asked whether I had bought Metroid Prime or not... and, well, considering it was only two weeks until Christmas, considering he went out of his way to ask me this question, and considering he had no idea what else to get me, I was 100% sure as GameFAQ's game FAQs that I was getting Metroid Prime for Christmas... Sure, this story isn't exactly the most riveting tale ever told, but I couldn't help but tease my brother about the whole damn thing up until Christmas, demanding from time to time for him to drive me to the store so I could buy the game, and telling him how I may not want Metroid Prime anymore due to all the reported bugs in the game... and, well... Okay, so that story didn't just suck. It licked balls. So sue me. But either way, I was a happy camper on Christmas. Sure, I felt guilty enough that I hadn't gotten a Christmas present for my brother yet, that upon seeing Metroid Prime under the tree, I offered to pay for that Rio One MP3 player he wanted as a Boxing Day gift. And short story short, since then, my go-time with Metroid Prime and the spores of evil have been more than just sporadic (my brother hogged the Gamecube with NHL2003 the weeks that he was home, and second term school sort of bit and byted into my gaming sessions as well... go figure), and maybe that's why I couldn't get into the game until I was more than 40% done? But like I iterated before, it was all worth it in the end. My total play time was recorded as just under 18 hours, but truth be told, I played a hell of a lot longer than that. I just made sure not to save my pointless wandering sessions on the memory card, when I couldn't even figure out how to follow the white rabbit on the map, that's all...

Because first things first, Tallon IV or whatever is huge! It's so goddam huge! I've never seen a world that's taken me this damn long to get from point A to point B, and I say that as a compliment. And the fact that I've noticed no loading time whatsoever (except for during those vertical transport lift rides... and at that door to the Artifact Chamber that just won't open...) is huge, simply because the frickin' world is so frickin' huge! When I started the game, I remember thinking that the Chozo Ruins went on forever, only to find that the Magmoor Caves went on forever, and that Pendrana Drifts went on forever, and God, by the time Phazon Mines showed up on the map, I thought I was going to freak. I thought I was going to be sick, simply because the whole damn grand, epic scale, nature of the game is something I've never witnessed before, not even in Zelda. The coolest thing about Metroid Prime is that it isn't just another run-of-the-mill first person shooter. It's a first person adventure, the first of its kind. Retro has revolutionized the platforming genre not only by being inside the helmet of a blonde bombshell like Samus Aran, but also by introducing backtracking in a massive world like it's never been done before. Because honestly, I can't remember the last game I played where not only did I find secrets in the areas late in the game that I visited long ago, but also entire worlds hidden where I never once thought they could possibly be. The entire world was connected as one big donut of a whole, and the sense of discovery in Metroid Prime was simply astounding - awe inspiring, even - as I even felt a tear of nostalgia tear up my cheek when I once again saw the Frigate from the start of the game, old hotness and busted in a lake not far from Samus' own gunship. Sure, in the end, as I was trying to steal for myself a 100% item game using a FAQ, it did get kind of annoying to have to keep backtracking through room after countless room, just to find one stupid invisible thing on the map. But now that I look back at my 40 days and 40 nights of wandering? It was all worth it... If I had been looking for a first person shooter, I know I would've been disappointed. But what I was looking for instead was the Nintendo touch... and somehow, we got it from a company that was bought by Nintendo (for just a million bucks, mind you) not very long ago at all. And miraculously, as a newborn fledgling hatchling, Retro has stood out like none other, as if they were in the prime of their lives...

Of course, I do have some gripes with the game. The game was a bit buggy. It crashed on me twice, once while I was walking through a tunnel in the Chozo Ruins, and the second time while nearing the top of some Chozo Ruins elevator, as most US gamers have reported experiencing. But two crashes, although unheard of on the Gamecube and N64 when it comes to my experience, is really nothing compared to what PS2 and Xbox fans have to put up with, and I for one didn't let it distract me one bit from the joys of the game itself... But that's the thing (or the fling, if only Samus could be my new Buffybot in bed...). As I mentioned before, the first third of the game felt stale and mechanical, as the story didn't progress much, and I was sort of getting sick of how weak Samus and her busted suit was. I didn't like feeling helpless, in a world so much grander than myself. And the first two bosses of the game didn't help out much either... The Flagaatha, or Fragapuss, or Austinpussy, or whatever the hell that plant thing was called, didn't do anything but sit around and wait for me to bomb it. And the sound of the solar panels powering down sort of hurt my teeth... And although the Rock monster was imposing at first, I soon got over its Galaxy Quest novelty, and sort of got bored to tears when it kept rolling over me repeatedly since I was too lazy to release the boost button in time... The regular bad guys weren't much help either. Up until that point, I had been stuck with wasps, and bats, and termites, or whatever the hell other bug crap in this buggy game. I had heard that the atmosphere in the game was simply incredible, that the imprint on one's mind is simply indelible, untouchable...but even though I thought the steam and rain drops on the visor were very nice touches, and although I admit that seeing Samus' reflection everytime her ass was probed by some missile did have it's charms, I didn't exactly feel anything for the game... until I faced my first Chozo Ghost in the Hall of Elders that is, and as the room drew pitch black dark, my heart stabbed and spiked and started racing, my fingers started numbing, and for the first time since Zelda: Ocarina of Time, I actually was getting pounded by a big bad, simply because my thumbs were too paralyzed with fear to do anything of rational thought... heh... it was cool...

And truth be told, even though I complained about the Rock monster above, mostly everything from that point on was simply golden, as the upgrades Samus got made the game feel so damn smooth and silky. As a long time Megaman X fan, I couldn't get enough of the charge beam. The game just didn't feel like a game when I lost it... And although the ice beam was mostly useless, I couldn't get enough of freezing those goddam annoying Metroids spawnings, and shattering them into pieces with my seemingly infinitely many missiles... But the best weapon in the game? Hands down was the super missile combo. Although I admit, shooting Phazon blasts at the cloaked Metroid Prime did have its wicked charms, nothing beats the thrillhouse I got when I bombarded the Omega Pirate with blast after blast, bombshell after blonde bombshell... and, well... Weapons aside, once I got the hang of the boost ball, I found that I would roll up and down halfpipe areas just for fun, as if I was actually a Tony Hawk Pro Skater fan for once... The gravity suit made a world of difference to me as well for really no apparent reason. Sure, I missed Samus' traditional red armour, but somehow, repeatedly jumping out of water and watching my visor rinse clean with javex wash was simply too fun for me to ever put down. And oh, don't get me started on the double jump. Even though I still haven't perfected the technique of the Samus jump just quite yet, I do admit that except for Super Mario Sunshine, no 3d game has ever had manual jumping that was to my pleasing, and yet Metroid Prime completely accomplished the daunting task, even from a first person perspective. And oh, how could I possibly forget the grapple beam? Simply put, the only crying shame about this game was that the grapple beam came far too late in the, um, game. The ability to twist and fork around in the air was simply a breathtaking experience to behold, and I most certainly will not be surprised if other game companies start stealing this trait off the GameFAQ FAQs starting this year... for 2003 truly is the year of feeling Prime... And although repeatedly facing the same bad guys, over and over again, was starting to feel rather repetitive around the halfway mark in Metroid Prime, I fully do admit that the respawning effect came into great, um, effect, when I finally earned the Plasma Beam. Because simply put, the ability to burn to a cinder in a single shot, most of the damn creatures that had plagued me from day one in the game, was simply one of the most satisfying experiences a beaten down nerd like me could ever hope to have. And once again, my only complaint was that the sight of watching Space Pirates keel and reel over in red hot flames didn't come soon enough in the game... Hell, if only the first half life of the game was as damn good as the second, we'd have the perfect game here. And even though all good things didn't come to Pendrana pass, Retro still has under their Chozo wing one of the best games ever made, period... on their first try, no less...

I can't compliment enough how majestically the entire game was woven, planned and plotted out. Although I admit that the story was a bit too slow at the start, I simply loved the fact that I was the one who "found" the story per say, as I was the one who had to scan consoles to learn about all the commotion going down on Tallon IV. The contrast between the Chozo Lores and the Space Pirate logs was actually quite well written, as it didn't suffer from any Japanese translations whatsoever, being that Retro is an instrument of a Texan company... which is kind of a crying shame in the end - the story being "found", I mean - considering many gamers, even online website critics, bypassed most of the scanning in the game as being pointless and unncessary homework, and missed out on a great storyline as a result. Hell, one reviewer even claimed that Metroid Prime had no story whatsoever, so I guess being truly innovative does has its faults... And sure, you could say that Metroid Prime merely had just another derivative of a genetically manipulated cliche of a sci-fi plotline, but at least it had style. At least it was personal. And at least it was epic... I still remember my trepidation the moment I scanned those damn Wave Troopers that had reverse engineered my weapons. The audacity of those bastards... and they killed me the first time too, to boot... but not just because I was too busy trying to get Samus to mount them and smack their asses hard to the floor in revenge, but because I think it was then and there that I finally noticed for the first ever time, that the music in the background had irrevocably changed, from being passive aggressive to something along the lines of sheer panic... or at least, it was making me panic, Chozo Ghost style... I had read on the internet that midi music was used in Metroid Prime for spontaneous changes on the fly, though oddly enough, it took me more than half the game to even notice such a thing. And in a sense, that's the greatest compliment of all that I can ever give the composers: that the background music molded and meshed with the action happening on screen so damn well, that I never once bothered to notice that the two weren't one and the same. The music was as welcomely embedded into the game as Samus was with her suit, and somehow, that just feels so damn refreshing in an age where game companies simply pick whatever kind of music that will sell the most CDs and spawn the most MP3s (Tony Hawk and GTA3, anyone?)...

I admit though, that besides not knowing what to do, besides getting killed time after time, and besides having to use a FAQ, the game was a bit too easy (besides all those timbits listed above, of course), except for the last boss... MetaRidley looked damn cool, but like the bosses that came before him, he was a little too predictable and a little too unpractical once you figured out his pattern. I wish that Ridley was a bit more heavily involved in the game, considering his nemesis rivalry with Samus was the sole reason I was feeling foggy and froggy and frantic after the intro stage, but I guess showing up just three times in the show was good enough for me... and, well... While I didn't die on any of the bosses beforehand, it took me three damn tries to finally best that goddam Metroid Prime in the end. Because goddammit, he was hard! On normal, he was hard! He killed me and my 10 energy tanks two damn times! And, um... actually, I died at Bowser's hand six times in a row in Mario Sunshine, a boss that internet gamers always complain was so damn easy that it ruined the game, so maybe I just suck and lick balls at this sort of thing, I don't know... But quite honestly, Metroid Prime in its first form, in its shelled form, had me quivering and quaking and shell-shocked more than even Ganon did in Ocarina of Time, and that says a hell of a lot coming from me. And although I guess part of the reason why I lost twice to this Prime guy was because I'm quite colourblind to yellow, purple, and red, I also got my ass kicked (or let Samus get her ass bit... mmm...) because I was focusing more on the last boss' amazing animation than I was at figuring out how to avoid its damn homing missiles... And sure, the ending of the game felt rushed and far too short, as Samus' head didn't even seem to be attached to her suit properly, but it still felt somewhat satisfying, considering I had worked so hard to see her smile... although, um, I guess she didn't smile, but that's besides the point... Damn, I can never make a woman happy...

The point is that everything from the grueling first half of the game paid Phazon dividends in full by the end, even without ATI insider trading inside of my Gamecube. The rush of a feeling I got from finally earning the Phazon suit had me roaring in cheer, and it's quite a shame that many first person shooter fans put down the game long before they ever got a full fledged feel for the spectacle that will forever be known as Metroid Prime. In my opinion, from the sheer grandness, epicness of the game alone, Metroid Prime should be deemed the best game of 2003, and possibly even the best on a next generation console to date. However, if you're asking just for my honest enjoyment factor from the game? My current top five list of Gamecube games sort of goes like this: Super Mario Sunshine first, Metroid Prime second, Super Smash Bros. Melee third, Star Fox Adventures forth, and Luigi's Mansion fifth... and, um... hmmm, I guess I lost some credibility there with Sunshine first, and it definitely looks like I have an Oedipal Complex for Nintendo in-house games, don't I? And that's what makes Metroid Prime so damn special. Fans cried havoc and let slip the dogs of war when Nintendo cancelled Raven Blade and forced Retro to hocus focus solely on Metroid Prime, but I think it's due time and high jiggly time to finally admit that it was definitely the right choice to do. Because making one of the best games ever made, period, on just the first corporate try, definitely speaks volumes on what it means to be under Nintendo's wing... From the mere sight of vultures circling over the Chozo Main Plaza, to the sheer majestic touch of the sheer of the vents spewing Magmoor molten magma all over Samus' visor, to the joy of scaling the Root Cave with the grapple beam, to the very goddam satisfaction of tracking down those goddam Chozo Ghosts with the X-Ray scanner, there is nothing about Metroid Prime that I would ever change, or ever want to change.

Metroid Prime isn't just a great game. It even isn't just the game of the year. It's the first of a new genre, the first First Person Adventure to ever be done right, and it truly was the only way that Samus' legacy could have been done justice in 3d. It will forever stand alone in gaming history as the sole original, as the Hunter, as the Prime, and the fully hatched, prime example of how to exceed all expectations and revolutionize the gaming industry to seemingly infinite ends... for now I see that even in today's modern, saturated world of vodka video games, there can still be infinite diversity, infinite possibilities, and infinite success.

And just imagine... This was Retro Studio's first game! Just their first game! I can only imagine what's next under their sleeves. And you see, that may be their biggest problem... By exceeding all expectations on just the first try, what's left to best? Who's left to prove wrong? And most importantly, can they keep their standing ovation of a reputation that they have literally made overnight in the gaming industry? Only time will tell. But rest assured, with Nintendo in command and Retro at the helm, we definitely soon will be living, if we're not already, the renaissance of the entire gaming industry, and the definite prime of our gaming lives. And I for one can't wait to whip out that X-Ray scanner of ours, see what's underneath Samus' suit, and see what's in store behind Retro door number two, which I'm sure shall leave a legacy that'll outlast even that of the Chozos... or the Chocobos... or the Willy Wonka Chocolate factory, but now I'm just talking insane again, so I'd better just shut up right about here...

Thursday, January 9th, 2003

Y2kk Update: Wow... great... happy New Year to me, I guess... because I won... I won the bet... yahoo.ca, I won the bet... You see, my best friend from high school... and also from my best friend from elementary school, sort of promised me that he'd take me to see Star Trek: Nemesis two weeks ago. Sure, I had my doubts about the movie, considering it was grossing less money than even that turd of a horrid movie, Insurrection, but as long as I could've rekindled some of the comradery that my friend and I once shared, then watching an android from B4 Data's time would be all worth the price of admission... But the problem was, my friend never called. It wasn't until I called him up again just last week that I was finally able to hear his voice again. And the thing was, he swore yet again that he'd take me to see Nemesis, just like I knew he would claim... And considering this was the guy who ditched me for a cheap thrill in a prom limo two years ago, even after promising me thrice that he wouldn't B4 the cock crowed even once , I of course called his bluff. I dared him to call me back before the end of the holiday break, and I was even ready to wager that he wouldn't... and, well... lucky me, I suppose... I won the bet. I got the best of the bet, because I never did see Nemesis... and I have yet to hear from my friend... and geez, lucky me... I lost out on a free movie, I lost out on a good friend, all just to lose my pride in the end... and wow, not much different from last year, eh? What a great way to start off the new year...

Anyhew, I guess the concepts of friendship and forgiveness have sort of been semen on my mind for the last few weeks or so, which is why I kinda got peeved at certain posters on the Buffy forums the other day. This week's episode, Showtime, wasn't the most depthly of episodes, but it certainly kept my attention, in part because it featured the best fight sequence I've ever seen Sarah Michelle Gellar do... and also because I couldn't get enough of Andrew, who makes me laugh just as much as Warren ever did. His little moments of being ripe, of being Episode One bored, and of trying to help Buffy, Justice League style, all did the Mr. Trick in making Showtime worthy of its episode one name to me. But unfortunately, certain people didn't exactly agree with my non-existant opinion on the net... You see, I for one enjoyed the shared moment between Andrew and Dawn, mostly because of when Dawn asked if he was speaking an actual language or something, it reminded me a bit too much of good ol' times, when I bored women to tears (from the eyes, not down below) with my science talk... Thus, I for one am quite enjoying Andrew as Dawn's version of Spike, in which Andrew is a mock redemptionist to complement Dawn as the mock slayer of the show. But my positive outlook on the Kevin Bacon game wasn't exactly shared by all, as quite a few angry posters complained that Andrew should be kicked off the show, because he has yet to show any real remorse for nearly raping Katrina last year, and because he pretty much mocked Spike with that leather coat of his or whatever earlier this year... And most of all, they forbid Andrew from ever having a thing for Dawn in the future, not only because they're 100% sure that he's gay, but because they cannot stand the idea that Dawn would associate herself with a murderer who has no conscience whatsoever. And, well... wow... I'm sorry, but it all just sounds so funny to me. These posters hate the fictional character of Andrew, because he killed the fictional character of Jonathan according to the script? I mean, what's next? To complain to the Mayor's office that vampires roam the streets, working for the Mayor? I mean, for Christ's sakes, it's almost as if these internet writers are acting like parents of the mock television screen, but that's besides the point... And although I admit Dawn getting together with Andrew would seem forced, almost akin to Bashir and Ezri Dax getting together out of nowhere thanks to it being DS9's last season, you've gotta admit, it is about time Dawn did something relevant on the show. And it truly was almost ridiculous for me to hear people arguing about this issue as if the show was straight from reality TV or some crap like that... And besides, isn't it cool that the letters of "Dawn" are all found within the name of "Andrew"?... yeah, catacombs cool... but I digress...

As I mentioned above, Showtime was one of the better episodes of the year to me, definitely the best of 2003 so far, even though my hero of Spike was missing for most of the show. Xander didn't do a thing, and Willow really just stood there by the deflector shield, but the story was brought along quite nicely by the Slayers in Training, and by the Giles/Anya couplet that went to an oracle Buffy really could've used in prior seasons... I won't go into details of why many internet roamers loathe Kennedy as much as Stargate fans hate the Tokra's Anise, but I will say that although she seemed a bit too pushy, I thought Kennedy's personality worked well with her rich background and all, and I thought she showed leadership potential as well (although I wouldn't say spinoff just quite yet...). The other trainees were pretty useless, and I laughed when "Eve" of all names turned out to be the First Evil with a really bad accent, but in the end, they all served their purposes decently well, as they watched Buffy beat on the Turok-Han like little birdettes watching their mother swallow a worm... and besides, Chloe was kinda cute, and Molly had a thing going with her hair down and her mouth shut, but that's besides the point... And as for Buffy herself? Besides putting forth an excellent fight, worthy of the Jedi archives, in which she went for the eyes the second time this season already, she also put some real umpth into her one liners, although the Thunderdome one was a bit over the top... I also personally thought Sarah Michell Gellar looked exquisitely beautiful in Spike's dream, and devilishly slinky wearing black as the First Evil, but maybe I was just real horny this week or something? Which explains a lot about why I liked Showtime, especially the joke about only having one washroom resulting in girl nastiness, but that's besides the point...

Unfortunately for me, the sweetness of Buffy turned a bit too sour and a little too bittersweet by the time Enterprise arrived on the air. I was anticipating that this week's episode, Dawn, would capture and captivate me as much as Darmok did in The Next Generation (in which Picard has to work with an alien that the Univeral Translator couldn't communicate with), or even as much as Dawn did this week when she was talking to Andrew. But I guess Showtime desensitized me a bit too much thanks to its cinderella, cinderblock violence, as Dawn simply didn't have enough kiss-kiss, bang-bang crap going on to keep Mr. Trekkie me interested. Archer had very few lines, T'Pol had nothing to say except compliment the captain for once for making good racial relations, and the rest of the crew were relegated to the outside perimeter of the camera, or in the case of Mayweather, reserved for just a witty line from the all-too-prevalent, Trip Tucker the third... That's not to say, however, that I'm no longer a Tucker fan. He's still my favourite Trek character since the Doctor, or even Picard or Data, but considering I didn't like his little night in sickbay with the princess, I was kind of sure I wouldn't like his dawn with some brutish alien who didn't look a thing like Dawn... However, even though the basic premise of the story was... um... basic, and kinda redundantly redux or done before, it had enough little touches that sort of made this episode worthwhile to watch. I did like the use of the Arkonian's or however you spell it's vomit, and I was pleasantly surprised to learn that this super, almighty alien did have one disadvantage compared to us humans: it couldn't sweat it out on the mountain top. Although Trip working together with whatever the alien's name was, was rather predictable and expected, I did enjoy their little flight or fight, where Trip was ironically taken down, football tackle style... and as simple of a concept as this was, I must give kudos to the writers for inventing a new way to nod. Now every time I have to itch the side of my head without the use of my hands, I can just smile and alien nod so nobody's ever the wiser, but I digress... Short story short, there was really nothing I really enjoyed about Dawn, except the thought about being in Dawn, but I guess I shouldn't have said that... I guess I am just real horny this week, after watching the Kid... although please don't make me explain that one, because it already doesn't sound too good...

I guess the curse of the Viagra horniness lives on, as I was a bit too restless to truly care about what was going on in Paradise Lost either, this week's episode of Stargate SG-1. I guess my own paradise was lost, in the sense that I've been really looking forward to this episode for a long time, considering I expected the fuzzy Furlings to show up for the first time on the show. But in the end, nothing happened, except we got an abbrievated version of Lord of the Dance, or Lord of the Stargate Rings, or Lord of the Flies. I'll admit that I enjoyed the banter between Maybourne and Jack, even right at the start, when O'Neil was criticized for his delivery of lines and lies. From that point on, I loved all the references to shooting Maybourne... and I can't believe Jack actually did it for once... or twice, actually... And I loved Harry's little overkill ideas, although I would've thought he would've ran out of hand grenades after three weeks of blowing up fish and warthogs with shrapnel, but I digress... And there really is nothing I can complain about Jack here, although I didn't exactly come to the same conclusion as he did about the Goa'uld and the plants... But considering nothing was really happening on the moon or whatever of that planet, I was pretty bored with the fact that nothing was moving along with the rest of the SG team back home either. Sure, certain SG-1 fans were more than happy to finally see Sam cry, although I unfortunately was laughing my lungs out during that scene. I did think, however, that her PMS pissed off look when the scientists were packing up at the transporter site was rather effective (and kind of turned my horny self on as well, not that that was any challenge this week), although in the end, it really amounted to nothing, as she was just too slap happy and all too barely relieved when she all too conviently figured out the key to the... um... key... and what about the Asgard? Why weren't they ever contacted during the month? And why were the Tokr'a too frickin' stupid to scan the moon? I mean, they were already in orbit, so why the hell not?... and, well... Jonas and Teal'c really didn't do anything, as this episode was indirectly meant to be indirect "shippiness" between Jack and Sam. And as for the ending, I felt everything felt a little too rushed, even more so than Unnatural Selection did, although I do know why Jack let Maybourne go at the end. It wasn't because he finally respected him after smelling him without a shower for almost a month. It was because the writers at the time thought that this would be the last season of Stargate SG-1, and it's only natural to rush whatever you can, while you still can.

Of course, such actions lead to complaints all across the board, as those Buffy forum posters will tell you about Kennedy, Andrew, and Dawn. But I've never really been one for relationships that require centuries to build up. While many female fans hated Riley, almost as if he was their rebound guy instead of Buffy's, I personally couldn't get enough of the lovable, fuzzy, Furling guy, mainly because I've always felt like Mr. Initiative at heart... except that I have no initiative, except the initiative to never, ever initiate... and since my launch sequence is all blocked up and blotched up with semen on the brain, I think I'd better shut up here, and hope that by next week, I'll be nurtured and neutured and neutral enough to truly enjoy the episodes for what they really are, whatever the hell that's supposed to mean...

[c. visitors too bored to return...]
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