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Y2kk Update: Well, technically, I should be doing two small Smallville weeks in review today, considering I finally did catch a rerun of Whisper the other night... but the only problem is? Well?...

But as for this week's episode, Delete?... I mean, the promos for it looked promising, considering I've always been a fan of those brainwashing e-mails known only as MyDoom spam... but still...

"Goddammit! Molly was hot! Good thing she was too, otherwise this episode really wouldn't have anything to save it from the goddam Windows Recycle Bin..."

Yeah, it's true. I have a thing for psychotic, computer girl freaks out there with glasses. Just ask my high school obsession if you want goddam confirmation... Now, Molly didn't have a perfect face, but goddammit, she took the entire episode by storm as soon as she whip creamed on those most-likely fake glasses of hers, just to look sexy smart and seductive to horny bastards like me... But as for the episode itself? I'm already trying to delete it from my own memory. The Adam plotline is already making me roll my eyes, as literally every scene with Lana on screen either had me literally laughing out tear gas from my ass, or holding my head in goddam pain... Clark and Chloe neither got any decent moments either, although I did see some romantic possibilities between the two for once, if only because of the Lois Lane mention... And Pete? Omigod! Pete actually got something to do! He should get captured every week or some crap like that, if only to get the black man on screen... Really, the only saving coup de grace for this episode was the two tandem of Molly and Lex. Not only did I think the two budding psychos had some real chemistry, but I actually am interested in seeing whether Lex can get his memory back... and what he would do with Clark's secret if he did?... Lex is the only character on the show that I've ever cared about. Now if only Molly can become a recurring character, then maybe I'd actually have a reason to watch the show rather than just to whine on these websites of mine...

As for Stargate this week? Death Knell felt like a budget episode, and in that sense, it wasn't the best of times, nor the worst of times. In the end, it was a General Hammond and Jacob Carter episode, with barely any of the close friendship stuff between them that made The Tok'ra of season 2 so interesting to watch (although the plotline in Part 1 back then royally did suck). Now, ol' George did seem like the man in charge by interrogating his allies seemingly without remorse, and he certainly did portray a strong sense of trust with Jacob (unlike the Tok'ra)... but just like in Disclosure, Hammond was a one dimensional character, playing a general on screen and that's about it. Older episodes like Children of the Gods and Crystal Skill showed a general that was both in charge and a softie in the belly... in more than one teddy bearesque way... And speaking of teddy bears? Jacob Carter (the teddy bear, as he called himself long ago) did have his share of moments, especially the one where he confronts his fellow Tok'ra about being out of the loop. It was a long time coming, but the truth from the Tok'ra finally has come out. Except for ol' Marty, Anise, and Jacob it seems, the Tok'ra just don't look at humans very fondly. They still see us as "hosts", as indicated by the Tok'ra's spiteful way of talking to Jacob instead of Selmak. And they don't trust Jacob, why exactly? Because we're free? Because we're becoming powerful enough to become a threat?... the Tok'ra have continually become more and more arrogant over the years since season 4 of Stargate. And last year, I thought it was for no reason. But that was truly the strength of Death Knell - it gathered all the unnecessary evilness in the Tok'ra for the past three years, and actually gave them a purpose to be distrustful... The Tok'ra-Tau'ri-Jaffa alliance is now at least on hold. And while the meetings around the round table weren't exactly stellar television, Jacob Carter telling off both the Tok'ra and the Jaffa leader sure as hell were... While the episode itself wasn't the greatest, the future possibilities are. Personally speaking, humanity has become a little too powerful in the galaxy, more so than most System Lords, thanks to the help of the Tok'ra. But without their help (and without the help of the Asgard, who have disappeared from television yet again)? Season 8 might be quite interesting then, because perhaps it would be nice to see a return to the show's season 1 and 2 roots, when humanity seemed alone in their fight against the universe (and getting their asses kicked most of the time as well).

As for the B-plot of the story it seems (the Anubis Drone army crap), I can't really comment much because barely any lines were uttered. I feel sorry for the Supersoldier though - it's strong enough to survive grenade shrapnel without any trouble, but now it gets taken down by just a couple shots from a modified TER? And what's with the Drone stupidity? It can shoot down a UAV without any problems, but somehow misses Carter every shot when she's just sitting there like a duck by the water? Talk about double vision here or some crap like that... And as for the main cast, rounding down the list... Carter didn't get to say much. I just wish her missile made contact with the Drone. I mean, of course it could survive the following explosion since the shot never really hit. But if only the missile hit its leg? Let's see if it could hop around on one foot while chasing around Carter without any intelligence... Daniel surprisingly was in the episode quite a lot, considering Michael Shanks' prior arrangements (goddammit, bring Lexa Doig to the show next year as the Stargate's android avatar!). He didn't have many lines, but I loved his Jack like outburst at the end of the show, basically telling the Tok'ra and Jaffa just how stupid they are... Teal'c got to fire a grenade launcher, and pretty damn badly if you ask me. He should've carried around a bazooka or something - at least he would've got to raise his eyebrow before he fired, to look cool and suave or some crap like that.... And Jack? It was nice how Sam got to rest on his shoulder, reminding me of their sort of innocent friendship days before all their lovey dovy crap came out in season four. But besides that? Jack did nothing. The whole cast did nothing. Death Knell was a Hammond and Jacob episode all the way through... and although I wish Death Knell could've kept my Stargate love going as much as Grace and Chimera did for me, I will still gladly admit that it was still a good episode, if only because it definitely sounded the knell for future repercussions...

But episode of the week status, and potentially episode of the year status, no doubt will go to Angel this week, for having one of the best damn hours of entertainment on television since Angelus was locked in a cage last year. This week's episode, Damage, had so many brilliant lines that it even compares to the best of Buffy episodes from season three. First up on the list: Spike. I mean, does James Marsters have perfect chemistry with every actor or something? Honestly?... Because first of all, although it pains me to see him lose a battle, his fights with Dana, the psycho vampyre slayer, were the best action scenes since early last season on Angel. I loved his analysis of the situation, calling Dana a "water dragon" or some elemental thingy... I loved his speech to the poor fallen slayer as well, trying to tell her that he never hurt her, yet realizing that he has no right to plead innocence for the things he's done. And poor Spike! It's kick the Spike all over again, as he lost half of his damn arms, harking back to the fake ghosts he saw from Pavayne not so long ago. And Marters' acting was perfect, considering he was playing a vampire who was losing a ton of blood at the time... But most of all, I'll always remember this episode for the return of Andrew. I mean, I said it last year, and I'll say it again this year: the Spike and Andrew romance is one of the best ever on television!... I was cracking up so damn much from Andrew's "Frodo" line, especially considering the homosexual interludes from the LOTR series, that I was seriously snortling like season 2 Fred for most of the entire slayer conversation. I mean, every single line that Andrew uttered, or merely his slightest actions when telling the gang to "gather around" for the "slayer of vampyres" story, had me practically rolling on the floor, more so than I ever have since Spin the Bottle last season on Angel... And Tom Lenk's later interactions with Spike were simply golden. I loved the talk about the taste of blood, as to be honest, when I taste my own blood (don't ask), it does taste sort of metallic... I loved all the references back to the Buffy gang, with the Summers being in Rome, and with Spike having so much trouble debating whether to see her or not... I absolutely adored the talk of being "82%" more manly, as that's something that I normally am geek enough to say... Goddammit, I loved almost every reference that Andrew ever made this episode, from the "crappy third act" of the X-men line, to the mere mention of Uhuru for some odd reason to Angel at the end... and even without Spike on screen, Andrew still stole the show, quite literally in fact, by stealing away Dana. Because first of all, it sure was damn weird to see super powerpuff girls following Andrew of all people... and secondly, I loved the way he honestly talked smack to Angel! I loved how he mentioned that not one of his slayers has "ever dated" Angel, and the look on Angel's face when Andrew told him where his orders came from, was simply priceless and almost heart-breaking... Some on the internet feel that the speech about distrusting Angel would've felt more real coming from Xander, but then we would've missed out on all the glorious Andrew moments from potentially his best episode EVAH! I mean, all thanks to Spike and Andrew, Damage was absolutely more beautiful than Gandalf the White being resurrected from the pits of Balrog... obviously, considering I hated the Lord of the Rings movies, but I digress...

As for the rest of the cast? Fred and Wesley both took a back seat, although they both got their moments, with Fred wheeling the injured Spike away, and Wesley getting to talk a bunch of crap about demonic possession... Gunn looked more and more evil this episode, considering he's still lovin' it at Wolfram and Hart while everyone else was either cautious or brooding... And Lorne had one of his best episodes all season. He both got to be serious (with all the psychic house stuff), and he got to be ridiculously funny a couple of times (dammit, now I want to see his whip!... but oh wait... that doesn't sound too good... unless you're Andrew, but I digress...)... And Angel himself? For the first episode in quite a while, he truly looked like he cared. I loved the way David Boreanaz spoke those cliffhanger lines of his about Dana being a vampire slayer. I respected the way that he was willing to call for outside help to Rupert Giles... And Angel truly looked in charge in all those meetings of his. But if there was any one scene that truly was forever memorable this episode, it was the final one with Spike and Angel, both back together in one room, with nothing to say but the honest to God truth... I absolutely loved the juxtaposition between these two spiritual brothers when it came to killing. Spike always felt it was all about the rush, while Angel always knew that it was always about the art... Although we the viewers knew this long time ago, just seeing these two characters being honest with each other was somehow more gratifying for me than even Spike shagging Buffy a dozen times over in Buffy season six (well... more or less, I guess...)... Although I didn't exactly like the somewhat quick cut after Angel's dramatic "once upon a time" finisher line, still... this scene, amongst countless others from Damage, rank right up there with some of the best writing I've ever see on television period. The only damage that Damage did, was potentially make all the previous Angel seasons look like crap in comparison... And considering most of that five star writing I mentioned before comes from Buffy and Angel and not any other show? I guess that's saying a lot... more than the crap Lord of the Rings series ever could, but I digress...

Y2kk Update: If you've been frothing in unbrideled anticipation all week long for my small Smallville week in review, then I'm sorry to tell you that... umm?... that the review is gonna be even smaller than it normally is this week... Because all thanks to my sister coming over for Chinese New Year Eve, I was forced to give up the television remote to the so-called guest in the house... and instead of catching the latest episode of Smallville? I was forced to puke down the horrible bile of a vile creation that's only known to the public as "American Idol"... not that I'm complaining though. While I'm sure I would've just loved this week's episode, Whisper, just as much as any other Smallville episode of the past, the truth of the matter is... well?

And I never truly could swallow down the cold pill of a hard turkey truth, that I had to give the best episode of the week award to Smallville last Thursday. So with the greatest of pride, I shall now bestow the Best Episode of the Week award to Chimera, this week's episode of Stargate SG-1... Now, I admit the episode certainly had its boring parts, which mainly had to do with Samantha Carter. I mean, I know as a guy, I can't really complain about all the beautiful cleavage she was showing off. I mean, for once she looked like a woman! And I don't mean that in a derogatory way or anything. It was just weird, that's all. The scenes with the geriatric ball and stuff just didn't feel like Stargate, yet the episode still felt like a whole... I personally preferred Carter in Chimera over her performance in Grace, simply because it was kind of neat to see her happy for once about something other than quarks. I wasn't exactly a fan of her high heels, but for a while there, I was as speechless as Pete when she first opened the door. I also thought the little lines in this episode were great - I still snicker every time she tells Pete not to look at the alphabetized bookshelf... In the end, though? Although I did find Pete to have a surprising amount of chemistry with Sam, it still didn't really justify how damn forgiving she was to him in the end. I mean, believe me - I know what it's like to be an obsessed stalker, so I obviously don't find it a negative trait in Pete very much... But Sam sure as hell should've, from my experiences at least. Maybe she was just being fair - she couldn't trust him with the truth, so it was only natural and understandable that he wouldn't trust her. But still... she didn't even bitch slap him at the end of the episode or something!... maybe she was just happy that one of her boyfriends didn't die for once right away, as she "joked" about at the start of the episode...

But there's a specific reason why I enjoyed Chimera so much. Just like with The Tok'ra (Part 2) and Prodigy, I just seem to have a thing for episodes where someone on the outside realizes the truth about the Stargate program. And I can't put a finger on why, but I just can't help rewatching over and over again, the reaction on Pete's face when he sees a Zat gun fired for the first time... And he just looked so constipated when his bullets couldn't penetrate Osiris' shield, that it somehow made me feel not so constipated for the rest of the damn day... And as for Osiris? Sure, in the end, she didn't put up much a fight. She got tranqed, and then she got de-Goa'ulded just a little too damn easily. But that doesn't change the fact that the dreamy Sarah brought out the absolute best lines in Daniel since season 7's season opener. I mean, I still laugh whenever he says "what a waste of time" to Sarah's flattery of reading his work. And I've got to remember the pick up line, "you must've failed", anytime some hot girl ever references some of my work on my websites (not like that'll ever happen in the lifetime of this universe, mind you)... Anna Louise Plowman was absolutely adorably sweet at Sarah, especially with her "cup of tea" comment, and yet she seemed so damn evil at the same time. You could always tell she was doing what women do best - faking it... and at the end of the episode, it almost looked like Osiris wasn't completely gone, as Sarah looked far more soap opera evilish than she was depressed... And back to Daniel? I simply loved the way Michael Shanks played a half-season-2 Daniel again in his dimwitted stutters and his noticeably modern hair. And he had possibly his best moment with Teal'c all season, when he slapped his hands for no apparent reason, just to call the Jaffa a new Dr. Freud... Teal'c didn't have much to do this episode, and I didn't like how easily he was able to guess that Osiris was messing with Daniel's mind. But how can I possibly not love an episode where the poor Teal'c seemed so rejected when Jack didn't want any donuts?... And Jack O'Neill himself? He was perhaps the best reason why this episode was the best episode of the week for me. It was painful to see him so noticeably missing in so many scenes, but for once, he truly, absolutely shined like the Jack of all trades, in every single scene he was in. I loved his banter with Daniel, asking him if he was sound asleep. I loved his chemistry with Teal'c, if only because of the donuts. And his conversation with Carter in the elevator was absolutely the best Stargate dialogue since Homecoming. The Stargate theme song humming had me balling in laughter, and the quickness of all their "quarky" dialogue brought back the fondest memories of the great script writing of the past... These scenes alone made me watch the episode already a half dozen times fold. It's the witty banter between characters that makes Stargate what it is. Why do the writers so often forget that?...

I guess that's what I'm a fan of in episodes. Witty banter dialogue. And unfortunately for me, that law of IvanF sort of states that I wouldn't be much of a fan of this week's episode of Angel, Soul Purpose... and in the end? Just like with Restless, while I admire the episode for what it's worth, I just couldn't enjoy it... I mean, sure it had it's witty moments. I loved Spike's mockery of the woman he saved in the alley. It was about high time someone made fun of all the innocents who are too damn ignorant to know how to save their lives... And the moment where he did the double stake thing? I may not have watched Angel's first season, but I remember that scene well from the season 2 credits... and actually, come to think of it, I pretty much loved every Spike scene. I loved the camera work when the Mafia-like Gunn and Wes tracked him down in Spike's new basement apartment. The scene was just so damn styled to make it look like the big good guys were trying to put the little guys out of business, that the cleverness of the scene probably made it my favourite of the whole episode... But while I've always been a huge fan of anything Spike, I'm sorry to say, that the other supporting characters sort of didn't matter much to me in Soul Purpose. In reality, scenes with Fred, Wes, Lorne, and Gunn all made them seem uncaring. They never checked on Angel, but rather just talked about assassinations and vigilantes that. I guess that was sort of the point. They're all becoming disconnected... But in Angel's hallucinations? That's where some beauty lies... I can't say I enjoyed Fred's dissection of Angel. It went on far too long in my opinion, and just like I never cared for Cheeseman, I really didn't even find the Bear funny. I did like the idea of the dead goldfish as a soul however. Something that was gold, was now dead and adrift... and somehow, I did laugh at the bit about the raisins. Kinky, no? Winnifred can eat the raisins out of my ass anyday... Gunn didn't have a huge part in Angel's dreams, but I think the fact that he turned psycho cat on him sort of showed that Angel doesn't exactly trust Charles' deal with the White Room devil... And Wesley? What's there to say? He stabbed Angel not in the back, but in the front in his dreams. And Wesley was always up front in every sequence, applauding Spike for saving the world. Angel obviously still has some issues with Wesley... he knows Wesley will do the right thing, but doing the right thing doesn't always mean being loyal, as Angel knows all too well... And Lorne? I don't care what the internet says - I think he looked fab with that mustache on. He didn't have a huge part in this episode, like always, but even I have to admit, I was humming "Oh my darling Clementine" for the next three days after I watched the show...

But Angel himself? There was one scene alone that truly made the episode worthwhile to watch... Now, I didn't like the idea of the Blue Fairy. I more enjoyed seeing a fake Buffy utter strung together lines from BTVS season 3 or some crap like that. But when Angel took on the role of Numero Cinco? Even I felt sorry for the poor guy wheeling the mail... Angel had gotten so much hope from that Cautionary Tales episode, that maybe the Shanshu prophecy was real. But as soon as he got that hope, it was all crushed by the recorporealization of Spike. And that is the beauty of Lindsay's and Eve's plan... Lindsay wants revenge on Angel. He can't seem to kill him outright, so might as well kill his soul. And the two together want to get revenge on the Senior Partners for some odd reason as well, making them believe that Spike is the chosen one, so that they would dump Angel and really get screwed when the Apocalypse finally comes... And artistic wise, Soul Purpose was a damn good episode. Just the little things, like all the characters screaming when Spike came to the rescue, did make the show interesting to say the least. And how can you possibly not enjoy how damn fake Lindsay looked when getting those visions?... but like I stated before, episodes like this just aren't my cup of tea. There was only one thing I loved about Restless all those years back - how ingenious all the dream-like room transitions turned out to be. And there was only one brilliant moment like that in Soul Purpose - when Wolfram and Hart turned into a movie theatre for the apocalypse... everything else about the episode was brilliant in theory, but ended up feeling just so distant, disjointed and disconnected in execution... and obviously, that was the point. The episode formula itself was indicative of how Angel was feeling. And yet?... as much as I know I should love this episode, if only because of the thought behind it, I simply don't. David Boreanaz did an excellent job directing his first episode, but still... if this will be anything like Restless, then no amount of rewatching kinky Fred having a go at Angel's insides or giving him a lapdance on his chair in the great green outdoors, will ever change my mind.

But although I wasn't a huge fan of Angel this week, I will still admit that the episode definitely had a lot of rewatch value. And quite frankly, it's been a great week all around for episodic values, as this week's episode of Enterprise, Proving Ground, turned out to be one of the best Enterprise episodes of the entire year as well. The Andorians consistently have proven to be one of the best continuing plotlines in the Enterprise universe, and they fit in almost perfectly with Xindi war arc (I mean, aren't they stuck in the Expanse now?... but, um, nevermind...). I absolutely love the antennae make-up work, as you can actually see when the Andorians are lying by just the way their antennae contradict the glimmer in their eyes. And the idea that species like the Andorians would want the Xindi weapon definitely rings true, considering the Xindi nearly blew up an entire moon with a probe so small that could fit into a damn cargo bay. And that was considered a failure!... while I have a few problems with how powerful the Xindi seem to be (yet two of their ships with shields got wasted easily by Enterprise), I liked Degra's chemistry with General Shran this episode. It was a bit over the top, but I did enjoy the "Andorian Mining" whatever conversation, even though I thought Degra would start blowing the Andorians out of the skies... And General Shran has always been a great character for the series, just like Weyoum was for Deep Space 9. I wished that he talked more about owing Archer debts, but you could see that he had great loyalty and faith in Archer. It's just that, he has too much loyalty to his own people to even try to keep Archer as a friend, except perhaps at the end of the episode...

Anyhew, running down the main cast for the episode... Hoshi was there. Mayweather was there. They pressed buttons. Something new, I see... T'Pol had distrust for the Andorians, but she still seemed to trust General Shran in a sense. She was right about his duplicity, but she obviously has parted with some of her Andorian bias by just choosing to stand on the Andorian bridge... Trip Tucker didn't have much to do, but he did have a moment with Shran. And I loved how Shran generally looked surprised when Tucker admitted that he felt terrible about his sister, but he was still human enough not to want revenge. Perhaps Tucker will be a moral compass for the Andorians some day? He's already a god in my eyes, so why not the Imperial Guard as well?... And Malcolm got to flirt with a militaristic alien girl for once. Good for him. I liked the references about his father not being proud of him. They rang much more true this episode than in Minefield. And it was nice to know he wasn't too naive when around a sweet girl - at least he was looking over her shoulder most of the time... amongst other things... And Archer? He was a bit too one dimensional this episode, as always. But he did trust Shran for the most part. And I did love how betrayed he felt when Shran sent him packing off his ship, obviously because he was... well, betrayed... But for the most part though? The Enterprise crew was just following the plotline of the story. There were some nice little touches, like Tucker noting that T'Pol's been avoiding him since his clone died, but besides that?... the episode may not have been great character wise, but it was definitely an A class story in terms of plot. The Andorians are the best. The Xindi weapon was cool as hell. And hell - the anomaly effects at the start of the episode were enough to set a great tone for the entire rest of the episodic hour. Proving Ground may not have been my episode of the week, but it definitely proved that it could stand its ground against the best of Enterprise episodes from all the past seasons. And for a guy that likes almost every Enterprise episode? That's saying a lot...

Y2kk Update: Alright... Alright! I admit it! I've never been a big fan of the Prince of Persia series... or the decade of the 70s, but that's a story for another day... But truth be told, I never could quite get what gamers used to see in that horrible little platforming series from all those NES and SNES days gone by. The play control was simply atrocious, with all the slipping and the sliding and the slow motion gliding... And what the hell was up with the time limit? I mean, while it was an innovative idea for the time, I must admit that even to this day, I still can't seem to enjoy any damn game that places a Big Ben limit as a bounty on my head (and yes, that even includes Zelda: Majora's Mask - the elistist's Zelda...)... Which is why I was so damn wigged and weirded out when I bought Ubisoft's Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time for the Nintendo Gamecube about a couple weeks ago. And what weirded me out about this game?... it was just that... umm?...

My friends... my university friends... all my Muslim university friends who never, ever play video games... all complained to me... all complained to me?... that I should've bought the game for that Xbox... so that I could lend it to them and their friends... and, umm?...

Okay, so I guess I can put one and one together, and obviously point out, like they later admitted, that they pretty much started their PC gaming careers with the Prince of fucking Persia series. I tried to point out to them just how painful those games really were back in the day, but I guess the "Persia" name makes them all nostalgic or something, because it sure as hell was weird to be in a room with about a dozen guys who were all demanding my own copy of Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time, and yet have never heard of Mario, or Donkey Kong, or even my precious Zelda... Wasupwidat? What the hell is up with the world when the world comes to that?... and strangely enough, as if they suddenly started caring about games all of sudden after Prince of Persia was released this Christmas season, all my Muslim friends seemed to realize that Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time got stellar reviews all across the board, and was even nominated for Best Game of the Fucking Year from well more than half of the publications out there on the internet at least... and honestly? Who throws a shoe, anyhew? Especially if that shoe is filled to the brim with sand... Because when the hell did my friends start caring about games? When the hell did they actually start wanting a game? I'm telling you, it's become a bizarro world out there or some crap like that... all thanks to that dagger and the messed up sands of time... the hourglass - it's turned the laws of men and physics inside out, it seems to be...

As for my own impressions of the game?... for starters, I started the game two weeks ago. And I didn't finish until just two days ago... that says something, now doesn't it?... or does it?... the thing is, my first game reads that it only took me less than nine hours to beat the entire game, missing just two sand clouds along the way. That's nine freakin' hours of gametime to finish a goddam game... and it took me two frickin' weeks to finish just nine goddam hours? Doesn't that tell you something right then and there?... and for second cup starters, just so that I could get some more of my money's worth out of this game, I decided to procrastinate yesterday by starting a brand new game. And what do you know? Before the Sun had even set here in the freezing cold Canadian winter, I had already finished going through the game a fucking second time around. According to my final save, the game took me only four freakin' hours to completely get through, getting every single damn sand cloud and water of life in the process! And doesn't that tell you something? Doesn't that say something about the goddam game?...

Short story short, Prince of Persia is one sure as hell short game. Even Beyond Good and Evil took longer than four hours to beat a second time through... And the first time? Don't get me wrong - I enjoyed how linear this game was. There was only one way to do each and every thing in the game, and it did sometimes tickle the fancies of the mind into realizing just how to do the right trick... (I never paid attention to the visions... I have a short term memory, so all those internet complaints that the visions walked your hand through the game never really applied to me... that's the power of personal ignorance...)... But honestly? Just nine hours to beat a full priced game? And it took me two weeks to play just nine hours?... Truth be told, I didn't like Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time much more than I ever liked the first two Prince of Persias that I played long time ago (not sure if there was ever a third). But I will admit... at least I liked it more... as the game does have quite a few redeeming qualities to give it a swift kick in the royal pain of an ass...

But the presentation sure as hell ain't one of them... I mean, what the fuck are reviewers honestly smoking? Did we even play the same game?... I'm praying that it's just the Gamecube version that was purposely bastardized by the brilliant minds at Frenchie Ubisoft Montreal or some crap like that, because what the fuck was wrong with IGN when they said the graphics in this game rivaled the best ever on a goddam console? Honestly, the graphics are crap! The backgrounds may be well textured, but the entire game looks it's one damn colour! The water may shine well, but even the waterfalls look plastic and horrendously simplistic and Turok in nature... The Prince himself may have fine details on his face and clothing, but what about the rest of the characters in the game? Sure, they made Farah as much of a twig as possible to catch the guy gamer's attention, but what the hell is wrong with her face? The proportions are all wrong, and her expressions don't suit her body 90% of the time... And the music in this game? What music? Honestly! There's like two friggin' songs in this game, and the only time they ever play is when you're going up against hordes of endless amounts of goddam, poorly designed, alien-wannabe zombies! The songs may do their job by making the gameplay seem more fierce and combative, but honestly, when most of the game is about walking and wall-running in pure silence, then what the hell is the point?... The animation in this game is decent, but that's to be expected considering there's normally only one moving character on screen. And unfortunately for us Gamecube players, the frame-rate does get a bit choppy when too many bad guys are fighting on screen at once (though you rarely notice the slow-down... normally, you're just too annoyed by all the repetitive as hell combat...)... And the sound? Oh my frickin' God, don't even get me started on the sound... How the fuck did the Gamecube version of PoP ever begin to pass the anti-Nintendo, biased IGN comparison tests, when the effects in this game sound like they were fucking sampled at 8KHz or some crap like that? I even put the in-game volume down to like 2 bars, in hope that my Dolby Surround system could compensate for the horrible compression, and yet still the game sounds like Sega Genesis crap! Honestly, the voices sound so much like they're talking inside a goddam tin can, that it even makes the dialogue in the N64 version of Resident Evil 2 look like a fucking godsend... How the fuck did this game pass all its quality tests when the presentation of everything in this game is just downright dreadful? I was thinking at first that maybe my copy of the game was defective at first, so I went back to the store to try out another copy... But it had the same damn problems!... Either that store's entire shipment of the game was screwed, or the online reviewers out there obviously see something that I sure as hell don't...

But there was one decently done well part of the presentation... the story... or the narrative, actually... start spoilers, I guess... Now, the story was cliche as hell: there's a guy, and there's a girl. What the fuck do you think is going to happen?... But since when have I ever been one to complain about traditional game story lines? I'm the guy who still thinks the original Mario and Zelda games had Shakespearean like plotlines, so obviously, truth be told, I actually liked the plot in Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time. I didn't care much when the Prince unwittingly unleashed the sands of time, but I do admit, even I sort of cared when I had to go mono-a-mono with my own father in the game... And although Farah's proclamation of love for you pretty much came out of nowhere, I will completely admit that the Prince's narration from that point on in the game was perhaps the best done overvoice I've heard in a game for a very long time. I even laughed at all the moments when he yelled at himself to "stop talking"! Not only did it remind me of all my own insane ravings and rantings when I'm having a crush over a girl, but some of the stuff even made sense. I loved his justification of marrying her since she had royal blood, even if it was the royal blood of a conquered nation... And honestly? Though I didn't care when the final event eventually happened, I do remember that I was quite perturbed at first at all the visionary sequences of Farah falling to her untimely doom... at least I remembered stuff like that from the visions, since it was stuff that I actually cared for... When the Prince realized that the dagger was empty of the sands of time, at the one and only moment that he truly wanted to undo what was done, even I couldn't help but feel sorry for the poor lad... he really did suck...

But while I loved the presentation of the story, that's not to say I enjoyed the total execution of the story of the game very much in the end... Because first of all, the Vizier was a very bad villain. He just stood around with his stupid hourglass most of the time, not sending anything but mindless minions against you for the entire game. And when it was finally time to layeth the smackadown on his candy ass? What does he?... He absolutely sucked, that's what! I mean, honestly! It's worth going through this entire, abysmally short game, just to see how goddam, horribly bad the last boss in this game really is! I mean, he's fucking easier to beat than most regular battles in the game! I didn't even get goddam hit the first time I beat him! And it's not just how easy the last boss was - he was just so damn boring in the end, that I was willing to actually let him beat me down or some crap like that, just so I'd have an excuse to roll back time for once or something like that, to make the final battle at least a little bit memorable... and it was memorable - by being absolutely the worst damn last boss battle, EVAH!... And besides that? I've gotta complain, that even though the narration did fill in the gaps, the plotline of the game really didn't change much between the 25% and 75% parts of the game. Sure, luckily the gameplay of the game was decent enough to keep me entertained, but even I have to admit, having no plotline progression for almost half of your entire game gets pretty damn dull in this day and age of A-D-D home entertainment... And last but not least, I will admit that I got so damn bored of the game around the 60% mark, that I put down the game for four entire days I think... Then I read on the internet, that there was a sex scene in Prince of Persia or some crap like that, so obviously I started playing again... But truth be told, the sex is only "implied". The scene itself was boring, with quite jarring CG movie graphics, not to mention the fact that the water-sound puzzle before it made me roll my eyes in painfully dull tears... I appreciate the use of the idea that seeing the future will only make you fulfill what you saw, but if I wasn't such a grandfather paradox buff, I'd probably be as bored with the plot in this game as my own grandfather...

But there was one decent thing about the scene in the tomb: Farah's revelation of the word her mother told her as a child... That's what made the ending of the game so much better than any of Ubisoft's other major offerings for the year of 2003 (and yes, I've played them all). Splinter Cell had a horrible ending, not like it had much of a plot in the first place. Beyond Good and Evil tried to be epic and cryptic in the end, but all it did was piss me off for paying $60 CDN for a game that's now $20 CDN a month later at most goddam stores... And XIII? It was a fucking To-Be-Continued scenario! How lame is that, even if it was following the path of the graphic novel?... But Ubisoft finally got an ending decently right with Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time. It was both sad and enlightening, knowing that the guy lost the girl, then brought back the girl, but lost her again to the sands of time, just to save the goddam useless world... And yet the ending was funny as well. It managed a bit of humour, with the first kiss she'll never remember, and the mention of the word that only she and her mother ever could've known... This ending was done right in my eyes - finally, a fin done right - because it was both satisfying, and left me watering for a sequel. Beyond Good and Evil should take notes... But what impressed me most about this game, was that the narration all came together as one fine, full circle in the end. The story the Prince is telling us, turns out to be the story he's telling her. The whole point of the game, is to simply tell a story that's already been told. And I like that. As a no-name, very crappy writer, I must admit, that I liked that... it brought closure and a sense of fulfillment to the entire game. And while reset buttons may get annoying to some viewers and gamers, I will admit... that while the story is cliche (and has certainly been done in fantasy and sci-fi a thousand times over), I must admit, I was still pleasantly surprised that it was so well executed in a game for once... Prince of Persia indeed felt like a closed book, yet only the first of an epic tale... end spoilers, I suppose... since no, no, no - that's not how it went...

And while the game is far from perfect, I will also admit that the game mechanics were very well done in Prince of Persia. I absolutely loved wall running, as it was simple to control and quite a neat little innovation, at least from my point of view... I think I enjoyed a bit too much of the swinging on poles, and I probably would've indulged myself in wall jumping as well, if only it didn't require such precise timing (I've loved wall jumping ever since Megaman X, but PoP's was a bit too demanding...). And the combat? While wall rebounding and counterstriking only worked for me half the bloody hell time (instead of blaming my own incompetence, I think I'll blame the game designers instead), somersaulting and vaulting over opponents is done so well in this game that it almost makes the insane amount of inane combat almost goddam enjoyable... almost, that is... Because you see, Prince of Persia takes good concepts and good ideas, and reuses and bloody hell recycles them so damn often and so many damn times, that you almost want to spit on the game by the time the final curtain drops. The combat in this game is redundant and atrocious. It's redundant - not because of the combat mechanics itself, but because every damn time you make it to a new room, you're forced to face about three or four dozen bad guys who all goddam look and act the same damn way. If it's a weak bad-guy? Press A, B, then Y. If it's a strong bad-guy? Then Y, B, B... over and over and fucking over again, as if you're living out the same damn moment, over and over and fucking over again... no redundancy, please... And while I loved most of the platforming in this game, if it wasn't for the dagger of time, I would've gotten sure as hell sick of all the damn jumping to poles and wall running to illogically placed levers... as I certainly did start swearing at the television, in the final stages of the game when I couldn't see all the damn pillars and crevases I had to jump to, all thanks to my horrible eye vision and the lack of colour contrast in this goddam game...

But for every single complaint I have for Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time, I have a compliment... I can complain that most uses for the dagger of time were simply, quite tritefully useless (I never used the slow motion or the haste move, not even once), I will admit that I love rolling back time, and the Prince certainly has style in the way he can freeze baddies in mid-air and send them packing in two... I can complain that most of the traps in this game were annoying as hell, like the spikes who shoot out at me no matter how slow I walk, but I still have to admit, that at least thanks to my beloved Gamecube controller and the sands of time, the play control was near perfect in this game - just right to keep me frustrated at the platforming, but easy enough to keep me coming back for more... except for the week that I gave up on the game I guess, but that's besides the point... And sure, I can complain that the game was way too short, that the soundtrack sucks as much as the sound, and that the game was simply not as impressive as its loving marketing made it out to be... But I still can't deny the fact that yes, the game was fun. Was it game of the year quality? Not even close. But if it wasn't for all those nasty, completely misguided PS2 fans who kept insisting that this game beats out both Zelda: Wind Waker and Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic, then maybe I could've enjoyed this game just a little bit more?... Because while I can complain that the game sure as hell wasn't the epic experience I was hoping for the first time around, I will admit, that it has sense of simple and addiction replay value that I haven't quite seen in a game since Super Mario Sunshine (which I loved by the way... unlike most of the internet out there...). Many would agree that a game that consists merely of the old school platforming stages in Mario Sunshine would be old school gaming bliss. And truth be told, if only the combat wasn't so damn bad and the gameplay so damn repetitive, as if you're living out the same damn five minutes of the game over and over and fucking over again thanks to the sands of time... if only the last 90% of the game felt as fresh as the first ten... then the ever platforming, ever Muslim popular, Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time, truly would be nostalgic bliss... even for me... a guy who never even liked the originals...

I guess my friends would be greatly pleased at that... though all they seem to care about, is how damn hot Farah seems to be... go figure... and go lass... though alas, even the hourglass is forced to follow the laws of men... whatever the bloody hell that's supposed to mean...

Y2kk Update: God and Jebus Christ, I've been watching a ton of Stargate lately... I mean, I have a ton of a backlog of games to get through, I have every single Enterprise episode on my computer, and truth be told, the homework is really starting to pile up on me already this term... and yet the only thing I've goddam done for the past two weeks or so, has been to watch goddam old Stargate SG-1 episodes from almost all the past seasons. And to be honest, I don't really know why... I mean, I've always drooled over Star Trek plot lines, yet I never watch reruns of old shows. I always admire that intelligent writing in the Buffy and Angel series, but the cheese factor of most of their shows seems to turn me off... And do I really have to mention anything about Smallville? If it didn't air on WB right before Angel, I wouldn't even watch the show... but as for Stargate SG-1? Not only do the plotlines torment and tantalize my mind, but the writing (even in the later seasons, despite the internet believing otherwise) keeps making me come back for more, something not even the best of Enterprise has been able to do.

I guess that's the only problem with season 7 of Stargate so far... while I've enjoyed each episode individually for the season, none of them (except for maybe the two parter season opener) have compelled me to watch the episodes a second time around. The same is true for this week's episode of Fall-out, even though I've been frothing over the return of Jonas Quinn for quite some time now (if that sounds good, coming from a guy...). Now, technically, the episode was a bunch of fun to watch, despite all the references to that awful movie, The Core. But despite the return of Jonas Quinn, something just didn't click for me in this episode... Once again, Jack was basically missing from the episode. Sure, his solution to the negotiations was tactful, but it was so quick, so abrupt, and so out of nowhere that it really felt like it had been tacked onto the show rather than being tactfully thought out... Teal'c didn't get to do much. But he's already had so many episodes based on him lately, that it's alright if he simply played the bodyguard in the tunneler thingy... And while it was nice to see Daniel doing the negotiating thing again, I really do miss the days that he did "real" archaeological work. Rewatching episodes like Torment of Tantalus reminded me of how damn interesting Stargate mythology used to be before the Furlings were never mentioned again and the Asgard seemed to disappear except when they needed our help... Samantha Carter was the only SG-1 member who shone out in this episode. It was kind of annoying how she seemed to know everything about muons or whatever in her Kelowna talk, but I did enjoy that smirk she gave to Jonas, when she obviously knew what was going on between Jonas and the scientist she had just met... And Jonas himself? It was one of his better episodes, that's for sure, and besides his awful Kelownan fashion sense, I kinda did connect to him on some level in Fall-out... I mean, I loved his awkward reaction to Sam's relationship talk, and he did seem like he cared about Kianna. And I also enjoyed his refusal to believe Carter at first when she was warning him about the Goa'uld design (although how the hell can Goa'uld crystal engineering be applied to goddam 40s mechanical engineering?)... I just wish the episode had given him a better entrance and send-off, that's all. There was no mention of Jack warming up to him, and besides the small Daniel moment about missing the action at the end of the episode, Jonas didn't even get a farewell... I just hope we see his character next season at least a couple more times, now that a season 8 has been announced.

And Kianna? I abhorred her Langarian fashion sense too, but she definitely got my attention when she went skimpy down the Tok'ra tunnel lane... I found her character interesting, actually. I've always wondered what a Spike-like redemptionist plot would've been like on Stargate, where perhaps a Goa'uld could become an ally of earth or something. Kianna was the first step towards that, as her own desire for the naquadria and her attraction to Jonas actually made her human enough to save her host in the end... I also liked the innocent look on her face when she was spouting all that subatomic particle crap, pretending like she's stupider than Carter at that stuff... What I did not like however, was that the Kelownans somehow had built a damn tunneling vessel that would make even the greatest engineers on earth green with envy. That thing was a massive monster of a beast, and far beyond whatever tech we had in the 40s or 50s like the Kelownans have. I know it was made with Kianna's help, but honestly - how the hell did the Kelownans build the thing? How the hell did they get the plans to titanium alloy, unless Jonas memorized them here on earth? And what the hell was up with the computers inside? Sure, the typewriter interfaces were funny, but the damn monitor screens were better than what we had in the frickin' 80s! And SHIELDS? The damn thing has shields?! How the hell did that happen?!... but unbridled jealousy aside, the tunneler thingy did look cool in the huge panning screenshot they did, especially since it reminded me so much of my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle days... and while the core plotline itself was boring (no pun intended), as the only excitement that happened was the machine raising "shields" in an invisible magma river... I must admit that the tenuous relationship between Jonas and Kianna the Goa'uld made this episode quite a decent classic in the end. I liked the idea that he fell in love with Kianna as a Goa'uld... it brings to light a lot of issues that have been avoided on Stargate, but that Buffy brought to life - that sometimes, even the most cliche of evils can light a little hope... Fall-out sort of fell out of place on my list of favourites. It just didn't have the replay value that most Stargate episodes have... but it certainly did have a nice, familiar ring of a theme to it...

... speaking of Buffy... or Spike's redemptionist tale, that is... This was probably the most sappy thing written on Angel this year so far, as Spike's lame reason to stay clear of Europe kind of hurt this week's episode, Harm's Way. I mean, it's understandable that Spike would be nervous about seeing Buffy after all those months, but fear never stopped him from ever going after Buffy in the actual Buffy series. But since Spike was given such gracious lines in previous Angel episodes, I don't really mind one slip up by the writers... As for the other characters? In Harm's Way, none of the major guys did much to both my surprise and chagrin. Angel was one dimensional, carrying on his disappointment from possibly not being the Shanshu chosen one. I didn't really like how Gunn knew demon languages so well - he made Wesley seem obsolete in the process, although some (though not many) of the subtitles were amusing... I was shocked that Lorne didn't get much to do, since he obviously has grown fond of "Harmonica". I thought he would be Harmony's friend in this episode at least, but besides being knocked out in a closet, he was barely even there... and Fred? Well, to be honest, I found her cute as hell when she was giving girl talk to Harmony in the bar. Not that that's much of a surprise, of course - my precious Winnifred seems incredibly, innoculously cute to me, no matter what the episode... But I don't know. Fred just seemed both shy and open when talking to Harmony about the boys in her life. I just wish girls would be that open to me, I guess. While in reality, trying to get them admit anything to me is like pulling my own goddam teeth and groin... And Wesley? Like his fellow Englishman Spike, he was barely even there. At least Spike got a moment at the end of the episode, where he consoled Harmony out of the goodness of his souled guilt. He kept it simple - suits both him and her, I guess...

But the episode wasn't just named after Harmony for no reason. I really did find her funny this episode, much more than I ever have in any previous episode in either Whedon series (except perhaps Life of the Party). Her chop stick fight against the Replicator girl from Stargate or whoever was brilliant, if only because I've sadly done that same splitting-the-chopsticks thing myself when showing off in real life... because yes, I have no life... Harmony's intro in this episode was grand, as the music perfectly suited her morning routine. Sure, I found the joke about the camel lame and stuff like that, but all the cracks about her unicorns and those precious butterflies on her thermos were priceless comedy... As great as Spike was in terms of being good while being soulless, I think Harmony supplants even him. Sure, she's only behaving because she needs peer appreciation and a job, but honestly - she doesn't even have a chip in her brain, yet she even seems to feel genuinely scared and sorry about doing an evil thing... Although this episode wasn't great in my eyes, it was an enjoyable side story to tide me over until the February sweeps. It won't go down as classic or anything in the books, and I haven't bothered to watch the episode a second time around yet... and while nothing can ever match the bitch slap fight between Xander and Harmony long way back, the fact of the matter is... Harmony did steal the show this week. I loved her chemistry with Fred, I loved her reaction to the positive human blood test, and hell - it was even sort of cute when Angel kinda warmed up to her at the end by sort of softly demanding his coffee... As the parody intro of this episode sort of outlines, Harm's Way wasn't just meant to be a Harmony side story. It also showed just how entrenched the Angel crew has become in the corporate lifestyle. And besides, how can I possibly not endear to an episode with the brilliant and awkwardly delivered line, "... you don't kill... we don't kill you..."... the episode may not have had perfect harmony, but it did have the best Harmony we've seen in months...

But all Stargate and Angel rants aside... I know what you people really want... afterall, I am the people's no-name champion...

Thought I forgot, now didn't you? But how can I possibly forget, now that it's finally time, for the long awaited return of the IvanFian, no-name Small Smallville Week in Review!... this week's episode: Asylum... and I may sound like I'm insane for admitting this, but...

... but yes, it's true. Oh it's true... It seems that in my old and ripening age, I've gotten soft or something... Now, I don't mind given Torque 14 stars and 16 candles in a review or some crap like that, but I do mind actually admitting that I actually liked a Smallville episode for once. Because honestly, what the hell is the world coming to, when I actually enjoyed the theme of a Superman episode?... Now, I knew that Lex would be forced into losing his memory. The series couldn't go on without the constant fear that the soon to be evil Lex Luther finds out Clark's secret... but I actually felt sorry for Clark in his parent's speech, that there are simply some people in the world more powerful than Clark is or will ever be. And Lionel Luther, after seemingly going soft for the first half of the season, really did seem evil this episode. And powerful... Now, the superhero action in this episode was typical lame Smallville, although I did like the return of that glasses wearing Iceman guy, if only thanks to his newfound X2 stardom. And the Lana scenes were cheesy as hell - I felt like bursting into vomit at that awful final scene in the Talon or whatever that place is called, although I must admit, the girl ignoring the guy in plain sight sort of reminded me too much of my own life... And what the hell was up with Adam? I'm hoping he's evil or something, since he looks like a Cro-Magnon unibrow or some crap like that. But I'm afraid that might simply be the new "in" style for teens this day, so maybe there isn't any real hope for Smallville or the world anyhew... But still, all of that crap doesn't change the fact that <GASP!>, I actually enjoyed a Smallville episode for once. I mean, just the sight of Lionel Luther in panic after realizing he had wiped his son's memory clean of Clark's secret, was enough to actually make me watch this episode a second time around... and prove to myself that yes, fairy tales and nightmares can come true... because Smallville has earned from me its first ever (and hopefully only) IvanFian, no-name episode of the week award... Hence this not so small, Small Smallville review... let's hope that it never happens again... lest we ever forget...

It's not like I had high hopes for Enterprise though, which may be why I didn't end up liking the episode as much as I hoped I would... or did I just contradict myself? But, um, nevermind... The thing is, I don't necessarily enjoy it when Star Trek tries to directly handle modern issues in their every day episodes, unlike most of the rest of the insane population who for some odd reason, still credit the Original Series for that kind of crap to this day... But I must admit, that while this week's episode, Chosen Realm, was far too direct in their approach to religious extremism, the episode at least had enough action and enough acting to make it tolerable, if not enjoyable... Most of the crew had nothing to do. Mayweather got a gun pointed at his head, but did he even get to say "no" to his aggressors? Hoshi got to press a button to open up the hailing frequencies. Tough Galaxy Job job there... Trip got a single line or two. And while T'Pol at least got a decent moment where she had to feign sorrow and guilt for creatively "killing" her captain with the transporter, she didn't have much else to do... The three characters who did stand out were Malcolm, Phlox, and obviously Archer. Now, Malcolm didn't say much, but he just looked so damn happy when he was given a gun and permission to shoot stuff!... Phlox had a stroke of brilliance, using his bat as a distraction. That was one of the moments that made Enterprise feel unique again, and Phlox's uniqueness certainly was somehow highlighted by the refusal of medical scans by the alien group... And Archer? This was potentially one of his best episodes of the season. His intense rageful brewing when he was being subjected to lecture after boring lecture from Dijon or Celine Dion or whatever that guy's name was, actually did seem genuine, as if Scott Bakula just wanted to get those scenes done and over with... which actually worked... And I loved his performance on the transporter. He didn't look like he was afraid to die - he put on a real face of being noble, to pretend like he was going to have a noble death... I also found it odd that Archer wasn't stupid this time around. I'm not sure why he was so cautious, but at least he did check the religious guys for weapons. Too bad he doesn't have any organic bomb detectors on board... And also, I reveled in the tiny bit of Archer-continuity this episode. I actually was interested in Archer's defence as to why he tortured a man for information. Archer was trying to justify his actions, but you can see in Scott Bakula's performance, that his arguments weren't very convincing, not even to himself... In the end, the episode tried to draw close parallels between Archer's (USA's) noble wars and the religious wars of Mr. Dijon. I don't think the parallels were drawn intricately enough to be interesting, but at least they were there...

But the religious extremism itself is what bogged this episode down. Because first of all, the terrorists were all suicide bombers. While obviously that was the simplest way for them to take over the ship, I just couldn't help but laugh at how "direct" this episode was trying to be, pertaining to the modern issue... I also hated the fact that the two sides of the holy war were fighting over a difference of just one day in their book of Genesis. I mean, yes, from our perspective, religious wars seem like they're fought over stupid reasons, but the reasons absolutely aren't that stupid. Couldn't the episode have been more realistically direct than just stupidly direct, by making the war seem like it's being fought over dogma, but in truth it's just about land and power?... Now, I liked the idea of the wife wanting an abortion so that her child wouldn't have to grow up fighting in an unending war. I just found it odd how no mention of abortion was called into play in this episode, both from Phlox and the religion extremists, but still... And to be honest? The episode was just so damn full of preaching, both by that Dijon guy and by that doubting Thomas guy, that all the psalms were really grating on my ears by the time the episode finally got to the space battle scenes... But I will give the show credit where credit is due. There was one moment that actually got a reaction out of me: when the head alien guy wiped out all the data from the Expanse. Sure, I doubt this will have many repercussions in the future, but that data to a viewer like me was strangely far more important than the murder of one no-name Red Shirt... I also liked the concept of the spatial anomalies being the work of gods. In essence, people on earth keep believing that anything weird and messed up here has to be the work of some higher being, and that parallel was indirect enough for me to actually appreciate... And lastly, I actually did love the ending to this episode. Reed was happy as hell about shooting guys who no longer could blow themselves up, and if he's happy, I'm somehow happy... The space battle was neat, even though the enemy vessels looked like they belonged to Jango Fett or some crap like that. And the actual final scene depicting the pointless brutality of holy war? Sure, it was predictable, but the view was ghastly, in a good way... I guess it did remind me of September 11th a bit. And in that sense, for once an episode about modern human issues actually did hit home for once... or at least, it hit a bit, just below the belt...

Y2kk Update: I think my brother is definitely getting sick of Christmas, if only because he never seems to be able to surprise me... A couple years back, he tried to hide the present he gave me in a huge shoebox, hoping that no amount of shaking could ever reveal to me what my prized gift was. But unfortunately for him, he sort of forgot to throw out the receipt, and truth be told, if you just leave it sitting on the middle of a desk as I'm vacuuming the house, chances are I'm going to find it... Last year, he tried the same thing by buying me a game and shoving it into a huge box so I wouldn't be able to tell what it is. And this time, he remembered to rip up the poor receipt to shreds... What he didn't realize however, was that I knew there was only one thing that I wanted that year that he too knew I wanted: Metroid Prime. So obviously, it wasn't much of a stretch for me to guess what my gift was... And this year? I bought him Mario Kart: Double Dash as an early present, so I knew my brother would try to even the score and get me a game just as valuable. But he kept bluffing that he didn't have the money for a gift that expensive this year, and he made me swear to the heavens that I wouldn't check the receipt, even after he threw it in the garbage... But alas, he made one more mistake this year. He didn't bother putting the game in a big ass box. So naturally, as soon as he put my present under the tree this year, I began shaking it like a wild man, only to deduce the following: first of all, the rapid rotating rattling signified that the disc inside the case was small, probably a Gamecube game... and judging from the square indent on the side of the case? It was definitely a Gamecube game, not an Xbox one or a DVD... And secondly? Even though I was lying through my teeth, I swore that I could tell from the sheer smell of the game, that is was made by Ubisoft... I thought it was Prince of Persia though. I knew there were only two Gamecube games that he knew I wanted that I didn't have: Prince of Persia, and XIII...

It was the latter. It was the latte of Ubisoft's XIII (pronounced as "thirteen"... not "eight", as someone in Nintendo Power somehow thought it was called... although thanks to Final Fantasy X-2, I was stupid enough to call the game "X-Three" for a while for some odd reason...)...

So everything worked perfectly in the end for me. I bought Prince of Persia myself just the other day for a dirt cheap price (which I'll review in a couple weeks or so... but so far? The game ain't looking so good...), and I've wanted a good first person shooter for the Gamecube since Timesplitters 2 failed to meet my expectations outside of multiplayer... Short story short, XIII is no Halo. In a sense, I've been spoiled like a brat by Halo co-op, to the point where almost any other first person shooter just seems dull and pathetic in comparison. And it definitely showed when my first complaint when picking up the controller reins of XIII, was that there was no grenade button binded to the L trigger or any crap like that (and I still don't get why I can't customize controls, but that's besides the point)... But suffice to say, although the multiplayer in XIII is definitely lacking, I must admit that XIII provided for me what neither Halo nor Timesplitters 2 could ever achieve: a single player campaign that's actually damn fun to play alone.

First of all, I'll get the complaints about multiplayer out of the way... I'm thankful that there's bots in this game, but that's about it. I mean, why the hell can't I pick the character I want to play as? Why the hell aren't there any new stages to unlock? Why the hell can't I select the weapons we want to use in the match? And why the hell are headshots so damn hard to get in multiplayer mode, even when I swear I'm controlling the recoil of the assault rifle?... The thing that I loved about Timesplitters 2, was that thanks to the silly nature of the near infinite amount of characters you can unlock, you can have a hell of a lot of fun with the cousins in taking on opponents that make you snicker and laugh. But XIII has none of that. It's pretty much just a straight out shooter-fest between four players and a few bots, and while the bots do provide pretty decent challenge on the highest difficulty level, I must admit that even compared to the grand-daddy of Goldeneye, XIII multiplayer simply reeks of last minute add-ons with little to no Kalash polish... Although all the stages you fight on in XIII are decent, none are truly memorable like Stack or Complex were in 007. And while I realize that all characters play the same, it is kind of unnerving how I can't select the token woman assassin that I always play as in games or some crap like that... And while I was hoping that the multiplayer in XIII could've been saved by having a Halo-esque co-op mode or something, the fact of the matter is, XIII doesn't even have that new staple of the FPS industry. There's really not much good I can say about the multiplayer about this game, unless people are really having a good time with the Xbox Live version of the game right now, even though there's reportedly only about 5 people playing the game online in a given day...

But truth be told, I never wanted XIII in the first place for its multiplayer aspects. I simply wanted a first person shooter game, with a far more engrossing single player experience than Timesplitters 2 could provide, with far better designed stages than the rehashed crap in Halo could ever give... and truth be told, reviews be damned, I actually did get what I came for... of course, I have my reservations and reserved complaints. XIII is by far not a perfect game. While the pistol, the Kalash, and the Assault Rifle are all decent weapons, none of the weapons ever felt as solid as the PP7 in Goldeneye ever did, or even as good as the Halo Assault Rifle felt every time I wasted an Elite with it... I eventually did fall in love with the XIII Assault Rifle after a while, if only because I learned how easy it was to get head shots in single plyer mode with the recoil thing, but it still disappoints me how damn rare it is to get goddam Assault Rifle grenades in the game! In Perfect Dark, gun grenades were what made the game as good as it gets! And truth be told, although they were lacking the rubber ballish physics that complemented Perfect Dark so damn well, the shrapnel from the AR grenades in XIII made them by far my favourite weapon in the game... and yet they were so damn rare that I was even lucky enough to find two damn grenades in every other given stage! Wasupwidat?... and my second complaint about XIII, was definitely the Splinter Cell factor in it all... I mean, after playing through both Beyond Good and Evil and XIII, I can safely assume that Ubisoft definitely let the success of Splinter Cell get to the heads. Because goddammit, I don't care whether it's realistic or not - I just don't fucking want to go snooping around in my goddam games! Give me a fucking Uzi or something, and let me take out every damn guard in every stage, even if the guards get doubled every time they set off an alarm.... But just don't goddam make me lose the stage every damn time I get seen on a camera or a damn spotlight shines on my balding head. Because not only is it goddam aggravating to goddam lose a stage from a single guard you weren't quick enough to see, but doesn't Ubisoft realize that there are so many goddam bugs with their goddam stealth? I mean, in stages I would hide all the bodies, and yet the alarm would still go off! In the place where you have to use the long range microphone, I swear I kept the damn aimer at the target, and yet the stage gave me game over for no goddam apparent reason the first three times that I tried it... And at least, if you're going to give me goddam annoying objectives that take a thousand tries to get right, then at least give me more checkpoints! At least get rid of all the loading times in the game! I've learned to cope with the loading times between levels after you pass a level (it provides a break), but goddammit, the excruciating slow loading times on the Gamecube version of XIII are just unbearable to bare when you're forced to redo a single damn part of stage for the umpteenth, Ubitenth time...

But goddam stealth missions aside, let me keep reiterating that XIII is probably the best damn single player FPS I've played on a console since Perfect Dark (if you don't count Halo co-op, that is). The Assault Rifle, even without grenades, is a hell of a lot of fun to take out a room full of spazzing SPADs with. The bad guys in XIII were engaging and challenging even on Normal Difficulty, but none were impossible thanks to the quick use of med-kits and steady aim with the recoil factor... And the controls in this game, while not as precise as Halo's, were damn good for what they were worth. I eventually did get used to the jump button as L and the crouch button as Z (both worked better than they did in Halo), although I still don't like how the secondary fire button was relegated to the B button... The Gamecube controller ain't the best at FPSes thanks to the lack of accuracy in the C stick and the lack of a Dreamcast-like R trigger for firing, but you know what? Once you get past the first few stages in XIII, you barely even notice... And I can complain about the length of the game if I want. If it wasn't for the goddam stealth parts that I had to redo a thousand times fold, the game probably could've been beat in less than eight hours. But you see, unlike Timesplitters 2, there are actually stages in XIII that I became addicted enough to play over and over again, such as the Total Red one. Though thanks to the lack of Goldeneye-esque stage select in this game, I'll have to play through the whole game again to get back to all those decent stages... And as for the graphics and sound? While the voices in this game felt lacking, despite the stellar ensemble of a cast Ubisoft hired for the characters, I will definitely admit that next to the Wind Waker, XIII has the best damn cel-shading I've seen in my life yet, and that includes Viewtiful Joe. There was barely any slowdown, with most parts of the game seemingly running at 60fps. The comic book style of the game complimented the graphics perfectly, as I simply loved the lighting on even XIII's hands and guns. While certain rooms did look bland, the key characters such as Jones and General Carrington were detailed as hell for a cel-shaded game. And hell's bells, the black outlines around all the characters definitely suited the conspiracy style story as well... And as for the story? Spoilers for those who care...

I had the usual theory throughout this whole Usual Suspects type of game: the villain is always the one you're supposed to least suspect... So obviously, ever since the first few stages of the game, these were my choices who I thought would be Number One: 1) Eve or Jones or whatever you want to call her (I thought she was masking her voice as a man's or something), 2) Senator Sheridan, 3) The FBI loser, 4) Carrington from Perfect Dark, and 5) Jonathan Frakes... and goddammit, although I wasn't far off, I was royally pissed off in the end when my number goddam one choice was goddam wrong! And what pissed me off even more, was the goddam ending to this game! Now, in Beyond Good and Evil, Ubisoft definitely proved that they were hoping their games would sell enough for sequels, and they proved their dumbass mentality yet again in XIII. I mean, maybe the game was following the plotline of the original French graphic novel too closely or something, but what the fuck is up with the To Be Continued crap at the end of the game? This game sold like shit on all consoles, even in France, so chances are, there won't be another sequel for goddam years, if ever. So why didn't Ubisoft just do the normal goddam thing and provide an ending for the damn game, one that at least makes the game feel like a closed book? It was definitely cocky of them to leave us wanting more. And in a sense, their cockiness will probably get them royally, financially screwed in the end, but that's besides the point... Anyhew, as for the rest of the plotline? Well, I was disappointed that Jones and Carrington were basically just one dimensional characters with cool voices (Adam West kicks ass). The villains in this game were decent though - Wax committing suicide was predictable, but quite effective for the context of the stage... The Mongoose was definitely a hard boss (he was the only one I died on), and I did love XIII's little quip at the end of the bout... But XIII for the most part was a drab lead character, as boring as the X-Files ever were. Although I loved the use of the film nor flashbacks in this game, the monotonous and overly quiet voice of Mr. Mulder simply ruined the majesty and mystique of the game. Although David Duchovny seemed like a good choice to sell the game on by sheer name recognition alone, if only because of the conspiracy plotline, the fact of the matter is... umm... it didn't work... this game bombed bad... like the X-Files final season did... end spoilers, I guess...

But the game definitely doesn't deserve the low key sales that its been getting (hell, has it even made 13 000 sales by now?), as the game itself, while lacking in multiplayer, more than makes up for it in sheer single player bliss alone. I've already mentioned how the graphics compliment the action comic book style of the game perfectly, but I feel I should also definitely mention that except for a few awful, NES sounding tunes during battle, the jazz-like music in this game perfectly sets a mood of detective sleuthing or some crap like that... The action in this game is the best action in a FPS since Halo, as even the stealth parts of the game that I hated actually had some parts to love (snapping peoples necks and stabbing them in the eyes with throwing knives were the highlights of the night, actually... although that may not sound too good... or sane...)... As mentioned before, the plotline was both gross and engrossing, with some key, staged pivotal moments (such as the FBI escape and the capture in the hospital) that really made the game feel much more varied and much more tightly knit, and maybe even more epic than even Halo did most of the time. The game itself of XIII may have been as unlucky as its own name in both sales and reviews, though in a sense, it's easy to see why... The game isn't Halo. It has no decent multiplayer. It doesn't have stellar AI or a wide variety of bad guys to fight. The bosses are unrealistic and one dimensional as hell. And oh yeah, I almost forget - it suffers badly from goddam Splinter Cell syndrome... But for what it's worth, despite these flaws, I still found the game enjoyable as hell, if only because of those precious AR grenades... if only because I love cel shading... and if only because it was damn cool as hell to fight off near unlimited enemies while bunkered up in a ski lodge or some crap like that... All I've wanted since Perfect Dark was a FPS with a couple stages that I could replay over and over again without ever getting bored. And truth be told, reviews be damned, I think XIII has at least thirteen of them...

The game may not be Halo. The game may have no spoon... But if only we weren't spoiled by Bungie all those years ago, XIII might have truly shone alone, as the Number One first person shooter of our generation, and not the unlucky thirteenth that it's sadly been ignored to... it's a conspiracy, I tell you...

... well... besides video games and the token Chinese lucky money, I got something else that I really wanted for Christmas: Stargate SG-1 DVD box-sets... and while I won't review them until the summer at least, I will admit that watching the good ol' days of Daniel being phase cloaked, and Jack and Teal'c being stuck in a time loop, really made me salivate for the next new episode of Stargate SG-1. Tuesday (or Wednesday for downloaders like me) just couldn't come fast enough... but was the long wait worth it? This week's episode was Grace, and truth be told, as a huge Star Trek fanatic, I've already watched the brief but memorable ship battle scene in the episode at least a half dozen times. But obviously, the Prometheus wasn't the focus of the episode. It was Carter. And while the strange and artsy (yet erotic?) cuts in this episode did seem to affect Amanda Tapping's acting somewhat, I will admit that Grace was probably her best episode of the year... The whole idea of the nebula somehow manifesting Sam's subconscious has been done on Trek dozens of times before, but I love it every time it happens, simply because you finally get some truths out of the characters. Each character revealed was simply a manifestation of a part of her psyche. Teal'c was overcautious, like her military presence. Daniel was over ambitious, like her scientific nature. And Jack was, well? The part of her that makes her happy, I guess... and Grace was both a manifestation of her inner child, and ironically enough the part of her mind that knew how to get out of the living nebula... And as for her father? The thing is, I personally believe that a man and woman can't be happy without finding love. But thanks to all those goddam feminism lectures I got back in high school English, it just felt weird and uncomfortable, and almost seemingly backwards, to hear Jacob so directly tell Sam that she can't be happy without finding a man to love... I loved the reference to Sam's mother though. I had forgotten all about her, and the reaction on Amanda Tapping's face to the reminder of the past was quite priceless, and definitely the highlight of the episode, more so than her big safety net revelation was... Unfortunately, the rest of the episode wasn't as endearing. Most of it was simply Captain's Starlogs (aka overvoices) with Sam doing almost nothing but collapse in the background. That did make for many boring parts, but I guess it was all worth it when she called her superior as "Jack" at the end. This element was definitely missing from both seasons 5 and 6, and definitely needed to be explored again after the woeful abandonment of the issue in season 4...

As for the rest of the cast? Teal'c had a great line about Jack being a little brother, that made me laugh out loud. Daniel didn't get to do much for his real persona, but I did like how annoying he was as a manifestation. And Jack himself didn't do much except seem concerned, though his subtlety did work better in my opinion than Sam's outright bitchiness in last year's Lost Paradise... Plot wise, I loved the Prometheus, and I'm surprised that the Tok'ra haven't offered to build a Hyperdrive engine for it yet or something, considering they could use the ship to transport their people to a safe world off of the Goa'uld map. And the alien ship, while definitely looking like a Romulan Warbird cop out, did have its moments, and did look somewhat similar to the ships that the Replicators were flying in last year's Unnatural Selection... The Nebula itself remained a nice mystery, as even I'm not sure whether Grace was an extension of Sam or simply the Nebula talking to Sam. All I know is, I liked this episode a hell of a lot from just a few seconds of the Prometheus' Asgard shields getting pounded by an unknown enemy.... I guess I like Star Trek references a little too much... if only they could've named the Prometheus as "Enterprise" as Jack wanted... if only...

[c. visitors too bored to return...]
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