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Y2kk Update: - Smallville: Crimson small Smallville Week in Review (Spoilers...) -

First of all, it made no fucking sense in the bluish of hells, as to why the fuck Smallville was airing their Valentine's Day episode this week, rather than next week when instead they're showing some other kind of dumbass new episode. It's like fucking Thanksgiving all over again, except we get red kryptonite along with every fucking character acting like complete and utter goofs of turkeys...

... I actually sort of enjoyed Crimson for what it was worth, believe it or not...

"Lois and Clark get hitched together... by 'Kal-El' of Stargate SG-1? What the fuck kind of fucked up coincidence is that? WTF?"...

Pfft. As if Lois and Clark would ever get together in real life. The two of them have absolutely zero chemistry with one another. WTF is that love potion number 9 Kal-El smoking, thinking they had some fate, as if Sandra Bullock from the former film would somehow find herself a goddam career? WTF?...

But to be honest? As cheesy as all their fucking romance scenes were, I kind of had this sick kind of puppy indulgence with them. Even though he wasn't flying or anything, I actually did kind of feel a sense of wonder and awe when Clark had Lois in his arms and leapt tall buildings in a single bound. Lois herself looked like a complete whore the whole way through with whatever god-awful get-up she had on, but even I've got to admit, she looked pretty damn fine in the end with all those horny, "come hither" looks she gave with a tatoo on top...

Oh, and nice fucking product placement with the mixed CD, writers. As if forcing all their shit "ballad" music on us in the first place wasn't degrating enough...

Oddly enough though, it wasn't weird to see Lois acting like "a girl" for once. While she was a bit over the top with her goddam sluttiness, and it rolled my eyes yet again to realize that she of course would lose all her memory of the day, I really did feel like Erica Durance put a lot of herself into this episode, and made her lust for Clark into something at least a tad bit believable. It wasn't like some crap Smallville episode where Chloe with a parasite in her neck finally gets to fall off a cliff for Clark or some shit like that. If anything, Crimson felt more like proper foreshadowing of the future than some footnote of a cheap hack of a stunt that the writers pulled out of their asses for no good reason, as is usually the case...

Poor Chloe though, always kept in Clark's back pocket. Of course he would have thought about having a relationship with her, considering how fucking cute and loyal and perfect that blonde bitch really is. She really didn't deserve to have her mind fucked over like it was in Crimson, but if you looked closely I guess, you'd notice that it was her mind that was the fucked with the least. Even under the influence of red kryptonite, Clark still was mostly supportive of Ms. Sullivan when crashing the party. That's gotta mean something, right?...

Now, I really could've done without the goddam 'shipper angst of "J-Chloe", or whatever the fuck Chloe called her relationship with Jimmy. I didn't care when they broke up, as it broke my heart more that I wasted my time watching this kind of bullshit on television than anything else. But whenever it came to Clark and Lois, I was impressed how Chloe took a backseat in principle in the episode, yet still managed to come out on top in looking like the only real sensible woman in the entire fucking series. She was loyal to Clark to the end, which is why I seriously don't get how he could possibly choose both Lois Lane and Lang fucking Lang over this fucking sweetheart of a horny girl...

As for Lana fucking Lang? Why, there's the Valentine's Day massacre for you right then and there. Did I give a shit about any scene she was it? I doubt it, considering all she did was whine and bitch to Lex about refusing to announce the pregnancy and shit like that. If there was any real reason to enjoy this episode, it was to see Lana Lang hurl herself off the proverbial balcony at having her engagement party crashed like it was by Clark. I literally balled out laughing at her scrunched up, teen angsty face as Clark revealed her pregnancy to everyone there...

The only thing that ruined my enjoyment, was the fact that Lana once again tried to be the darling damsel in distress at the end of the episode, practically begging to be raped (... and I say that 'loosely'...) from her fucking goddam sluttiness. So, she loves Clark and he still loves her, we get it. Do we really have to deal with her becoming a bigger part of the season again, finding the bent shed tool and realizing that Clark does indeed have a secret? Why the fuck did she have to bother growing a brain now? Couldn't she have just fucking married Lex Luthor like any good gold digger would have, and then fucking boxed herself from the view of the goddam audience of the show for the rest of the goddam series? WTF?...

Oh, Lex Luthor. Why is it that even in episodes where he's meant to be the supreme bad guy, I always feel bad for the poor lug whenever he's with Lana fucking Lang? Was it just me, or did I actually feel empathy for the guy as he pulled a gun out on Clark for Lana Lang. Every single damn time that somebody out there becomes that fucking pussy-whipped by the goddam bitch, who had just slutted it up with Clark in the goddam barn by the way, an angel loses it's wings and sheds a tear, J-lo and behold. And as a result, poor Lex Luthor has become just a pale shadow of his former self...

... or at least, that's what we assumed until the true nature of the pregnancy was finally revealed...

And how the fuck can I fault the guy when he and Clark literally made for one of the only damn compelling scenes in the entire damn season of Smallville? The party crash scene was alone worth the price of admission, as I wish Clark always had these kinds of balls whenever he ain't doped up on red kryptonite. It was about time that Martha Kent was called out on being a goddam slut just one year after the death of her loving husband. It was about time that Clark finally admitted his feelings for Chloe, even if she may never be his first choice. It was about time that somebody kicked Lana Lang off of her goddam heiress of a pedestal. And who here didn't feel sorry for Lex when Clark completely embarrassed him by abusing his bald ass?...

Priceless. Just fucking priceless, for the first time in the entire goddam series, no doubt...

Why is it that the only times that we as an audience can actually get behind Clark as a character and root for the "good guy", is when Superman's all suped up on goddam Red Kryptonite? Red-K Kal-El really is the only decent personality worth even noting in the goddam series...

... and "Kal-El", the Jaffa Warrior Princess from Stargate SG-1, definitely here seems to agree...

Now, just one week ago, I would've pegged Crimson as yet another Valentine's Day massacre of red fucking flowing blood. As considering all the fucking teen angst and goddam slasher-shipper shit going on, I really expected that when it comes to the writers this week, there would be fucking hell to pay...

But surprise, surprise? I actually enjoyed the rampart of rampant stupidity known only as Crimson. WTF?...

Y2kk Update: - Stargate SG-1: The Road Not Taken and Stargate Atlantis: Submersion Reviews (Spoilers...) -

When I first heard about this episode a while ago, I personally was hoping that it would be a road not taken by the writers, considering they very rarely pull off a decent episode when it comes to the whole multiverse thing...

Hell, the synopsis for The Road Not Taken sounded almost exactly like There Be The Grace of God from way back during the first season of the show. Why the fuck were we supposed to care about Carter, taking care of business against the Ori in an alternate universe anyhew?...

The thing is though, while The Road Not Taken definitely did have its share of eye-popping effects as I first suspected (seeing the entire earth phase-cloaked to protect it from the Ori was definitely more than note-worthy), I was completely wrong about this episode in the end. It wasn't really about the Ori or yet another zany multiverse episode where all actors get to play polar opposite parts (except for Cam, that is). But rather, almost every personality in this alternate universe that Carter was pulled into was exactly the same at the core as our own universe...

... the only real difference being, the Stargate program had gone public after the Anubis attack...

A lot of fans have wondered for a long time whether revealing the Stargate secret to the world's population would've helped or improved things in the long run. I mean, just imagine if all the United States of America (and Canada too, just for shits and giggles...) was working at the war factories, putting 110% into mass-producing Daedalus-class battlecruisers and F-302's, the same kind of production we came to expect from World War 2. Of course, a lot of rabid warmonger fanboys keep dreaming of the day that we have fleets of dozens of intergalactic starships, and the Stargate program going public is probably the only way that would ever occur...

But here in The Road Not Taken, the writers went with the MIB approach of things, and showed us their own version of what the world would be like if we constantly believed that peril would descend from the heavens. There was rioting in the streets, marshall law and curfews at nights, restrictions on media free speech, and even attacks on foreign countries using our F-302's. While the world wasn't quite as hellish as perhaps the writers would've liked us to believe, it definitely wasn't the rosy and cozy place we've come to know as home. Whether a state of martial law really would be required if the Stargate program in real life went public (...), I guess we may never know. But suffice to say, the possibility of it screwing up everyone's happy lives here on earth definitely is now looming over our heads...

The Road Not Taken was also a spectacularly entertaining episode in terms of all the little character changes and interactions here and there. It was interesting to see Cam as a old drunkard of a tossed-aside fighter pilot, the kind of path he might have taken if he didn't have the will power to make it back to his feet. Now, I think we all could've done without that ol' brown mop that they placed on his head, the same shit that somehow attached its way to Daniel's mug back in season eight's Moebius. But even so, I really did think Ben Browder did a great job in displaying his dismay at the goddam politics and ramifications for standing up to The Man...

You know, I would've suspected that an episode so heavily focused on Hank fucking Landry would've sucked fucking balls in the end. Turns out though, that it's only "General Landry" that sucks darth balls, while "President Hank Landry" was actually a good man in the end. Well, an entertaining one at the least, considering the writers tried to make him into some dumb hick of a warmonger president (hmm... wonder who they were channeling there?...). He was well intentioned, and he did what he had to do to save the country both from the Ori and itself. In hindsight perhaps, you could argue that he never really had a choice in the matter, or at least he didn't three years ago. Either way, I personally thought it was the actor's best performance on the series in ages, as I even found myself captivated by the return of Prometheus as his own personal, "Air Force One"...

The bizarro world that Carter had landed herself into definitely had its perks. Seeing zats and Goa'uld torture pokers used in public was one thing, and having the president beamed up to the Prometheus for security measures was another. For a budget episode, The Road Not Taken was definitely surreal at times, its believability ruined at times only by the poor CG effects of all the lights in America being extinguished for the Ancient chair at hand. I personally welcomed this change in scenery though, when it comes to the Stargate being public and perhaps being feared by the public. And hell, I was kinda half hoping for those goddam hippie signs of, "The Ori are misunderstood; religious freedom!" too, but I guess we can't win them all...

The fans definitely did get a few great scenes though with some absolutely awesome cameos. While last year, we at least got Doc Frasier making a return, I was really disappointed that General Hammond never really made a "real" appearance. Chalk it up to an alternate universe episode then for the main teddy bear of a man to finally make his true return, as for the first time since The Lost City, Don Davis really delivered a great performance. He was torn between defending his friend, Hank Landry, and defending his own principles of civil liberties. He was a strong leader once more, who in the back of his mind always realized that while some harsh things must be done to preserve the lives of the people, sometimes the ends just do not justify the means. I missed this version of General Hammond, and it's just ironic that it took an alternate universe of an episode to get him back...

Just one question though. Who the fuck is this "Major Lorne"? You're talking about that lowly surveyor of a useless red shirt from season seven's "Enemy Mine", who's actor couldn't find a job anywhere else at the time, begged for a position on Stargate Atlantis, and now is ditching that show too for the 4400? How the fuck did he of all wannabe bastards become leader of SG-1 in the alternate universe over Sam, I have no clue. Either way though, he provided only one decent scene in the entire episode, and that was when he was shaking his head at the photo between Sam and her divorced, dotcom millionaire of an ex-husband...

And speaking of good ol' Rodney McKay? Has there ever been an episode of SG-1 where he hasn't fucking stolen the show? He was the one true saving grace of Moebius (along with geeky Carter), and he did it once again here while playing Samantha Carter's "ex-wife"...

It's weird, really, how an SG-1 episode in the end would somehow play the spiritual successor to Atlantis' McKay and Mrs. Miller. But all the little references here, from the universal bridge that McKay once created to even getting along with his sister in the alternate reality, made The Road Not Taken into definitely one of my favourite episodes of the season for both series. How the fuck can't you love an hour of television where Rodney is all pumped up from being called "brave" and "selfless", only to be shot down with a fucking lie from the backstabbing woman who looks exactly like his dead ex-wife? What a fucking bitch he would probably say, along with Carter being "more trouble than she's worth"...

And WTF? Did anyone else get the impression by the end of the episode, that our Carter was sort of falling for that universe's Rodney McKay? I guess you could argue that she was simply showing some respect for the man that she got caught in her web of politics, but really, did anyone else feel a tad bit of chemistry when they were nudging each other in the shoulder at world's end? Was it just me, or with Carter going to Atlantis next season, we may get a bit more of our little dynamic science duo here? Because if The Road Not Taken is any real indication of how Atlantis season four will play out, then it definitely is the road that I want the writers to take...

As much as I loved McKay though, this was truly Amanda Tapping's episode, and she really did manage to shine. Not only that, but hot damn, she was blistering hot as a fucking MILF with that dress she wore to the celebrity ball, and she was cute as fuck throughout the rest of the show as well, especially when she was with McKay. What is with the actress and always bringing her A-game of being absolutely adorable in the second half of each and every season? I really don't know, but how the fuck can I ever complain about a combustible combination of hot fucking blondeness along with a science girl capable of phase-shifting the entire planet of earth away from the weapons of the Ori? She truly was a perfect woman in this episode, and I really don't get how McKay could've ever let a girl let that get away...

... as we know our own Rodney McKay would never let that happen, whether Carter wants it to or not...

Now, it's kind of weird to be praising an episode that was anything but a real SG-1 team-oriented showing. Cameron Mitchell barely got any screen time at all, except wearing a fucking mop in an alternate universe, and admitting that he had been talking to an empty room in the base for two fucking weeks to keep Carter company. Hell, that was the only purpose of Teal'c and Vala either, as little sidekicks of happy meal humour at the end really...

And yet? I really did feel a nice sense of closure there by the end of the episode, as if felt like everyone in this alternate universe had learned their lesson. Hammond refound his respect for civil liberties, President Hank Landry was back on his course to saving the world not just from the Ori but from his own war doctrines, and hell, McKay had perhaps refound his love for life, despite the fact he took a fucking huge paycut thanks to the goddam government...

As for back at home? Cam and Teal'c and Vala were just so damn happy to have Carter back, and Sam herself was just so relieved to be back home, that their adoration for one another was simply goddam infectious...

As that adorable little hug that Vala gave Carter at the end? The way they cuddled and fondled each other then and there?...

Submersion really was shit. Do I really need to sugar coat anything? The writers should be drowning themselves 20000 leagues under the goddam ocean for spewing out an episode that was this much of a vile fucking waste of sewage time...

Now, as a long time SciFi fan, I guess I can appreciate some of the art and camera-work they put into this episode. The music, and lighting, the cinematography, and all that other crap was all done in an effective claustrophobic manner, in a way that reminded me more of James Cameron's The Abyss than anything else...

... hell, even Sheppard mentioned it at one point or another, how this episode felt just a tad bit too close to that movie for comfort...

It really, really, ridiculously fucking sucked ass. James Cameron's worst fucking movie ever, perhaps...

So obviously a cheap knock-off of an underwater thriller with a SGA budget would be anything but decent in my book. I understand what the writers and director were trying to get at here, but it was the wrong fucking road to take...

Was there anything to report about this episode? It was a complete non-factor, as simply put, it was yet another Teyla episode with absolutely zero emotional effect or goddam character development. Short story short, she senses a Wraith, she fights the Wraith, she loses at first, then tricks the Wraith Queen into believing some dumbass shit. Then we get a requisite scene of Dr. Weir and Teyla cuddling and fondling one another, consoling each other that they're strong woman who just want to feel sexually liberated and free...

Dr. Weir was really just there as moral support, cheering her girlfriend, Teyla, on with all that crap about tricking a Wraith Queen and shit like that. Besides that, it's no wonder why her role is being reduced on the series next season, as Elizabeth was a complete non-factor here. Hell, considering the SGA team was in the frigid depths of the ocean, I at least expected the requisite scene of her getting her tight ass T-shirt all wet and soaked in the freezing cold water, and having her come up from the pool of ice with pointed, fucking bare titty nipples. Where the fuck was my goddam ripplage of nipplage? God, the writers frustrate me to no end sometimes with just how they never take the series in the direction it's meant to go...

Since Submersion was a Teyla episode, obviously we got a few goddam shipper sequences with both Ronan and Sheppard from here and there. Really though, the only decent scenes featuring either of those two characters were when they weren't with Teyla, as having Ronan get his ass kicked by the little shrimp of a woman is hardly what I consider to be great television entertainment. Probably the only moment in Submersion where I actually felt tension and you know, the rare excrement of excitement, was when the Wraith Queen was making Sheppard kneel down to eat her pussy out. Ronan somehow missed with his shot soon afterwards in their little threesome, and it was all fucking downhill from there with goddam Wraith-telepathy, emo-crap...

Even Rodney McKay couldn't save this episode. Both he and Zelenka were essentially holed up in some bunker parts of the underwater Ancient complex, and didn't contribute anything to the scene but whining and complaining that Teyla was sensing nothing more than phantoms or Zoners. I did appreciate the long walk that Rodney had with Sheppard on the ocean floor (...), and you gotta give some props to the guy who trying his best to take the Wraith Queen out on the submerged cruiser and all that other shit. But the writers had tried to keep the science guys as low on the ocean food chain as possible in Submersion, allowing the women on the show to fucking take the whip reigns and bond with one another instead, and it resulted in absolutely the most boring piece of filler crap I have ever watched outside of the last goddam episode of Gilmore Girls...

Seriously, writers, if you're gonna rip off a James Cameron film, fucking rip(ley) off a good one, motherfuckers...

And honestly, if only the whole fucking episode had consisted of just Dr. Weir, Teyla, Lt. Cadman, Sora, and maybe that hot exploding chick of last week in Dr. Houston, all playing in the frigid ice pools with wet, tight T-shirts on and off, then maybe, just maybe I could forgive the writers for completely goddam ignoring Dr. Carson Beckett's unjustified death from just one week prior. But considering we neither got a wet T-shirt fight nor a single fucking mention of the good deceased doctor, even when the SGA team was pumping the Wraith Queen onboard full of horny Valentine Day's drugs, then you know something just ain't right with the series...

Especially not when Teyla had absolutely zero chemistry with either Ronan or Sheppard...

... but somehow just had so much allure and lust for the touch of Dr. Elizabeth Weir in her eyes...

... yet for some godddam reason, the writers still don't put those two crazy cat bitches together, locked in an aphrodisiac of a room...

Y2kk Update: - Stargate SG-1: Line in the Sand and Stargate Atlantis: Sunday Reviews (Spoilers...) -

What classic, immortalized lines from one of the best SciFi series of all time...

I wish that Line in the Sand could've been right up there with Captain Picard tearing the universe a new one, but alas, it was just not meant to be. Last week's episode of Stargate SG-1 was definitely decent, with a lot of good moments and lines inbetween, but it just wasn't the classic I was hoping for when I first got so damn excited at its synopsis...

In concept, Line in the Sand was brilliant. Finally, earth scored another victory against the Ori, its first since The Pegasus Project. And once again, our fair little planet proved without a shadow of a doubt that we are really the only real threat and challenge to the Ori in our little backwater galaxy. I was just as excited as any nerd in a computer store when the Prior couldn't beat Merlin's little phase-shift device (although that does strike me as a bit strange, considering he should've at least been able to see them, Sodan cloak style...), and the base concept of phase-cloaking an entire village (or even a planet... pfft, like that will ever happen) to render it untouchable to the Ori was just geek-gasmic in nature. Why the hell the Tollans five years ago didn't ever think of this shit along with their isolationist policies, I guess we'll never know...

But in execution, I don't know, but it just didn't all come together as well as I thought it would. Watching Tomin as he called for the execution of all those hapless prisoners didn't even muster a shrug from me, and seeing the Prior torture Teal'c with his little light bulb that blinks just didn't do it for me either. This was also the first episode in a long while where Carter was on the mend, taking an Ori staff shot and playing the damsel in distress the rest of the way through. But something just didn't sit right with the execution of it all, as Sam really seemed to give up all hope far too easily, as if she had completely forgotten that she's been gutted by staff weapons before...

Sure, Carter had some classic lines. Even without RDA there, there still felt like a Jack and Sam connection, with the password of "fishing" on her pimped up laptop. I even kind of was touched by the writing there for a moment, how she was actually hoping for one of those "gods" she has fought for so long with science, to be real as she began to pass through heaven's gates. But all of it seemed just a tad bit too forced in the end, as we all knew that Carter would pull through. Her injury looked like nothing more than a "flesh wound", as Cam explained later, resulting in even more awkward shippiness when Mitchell was sharing with her his home cooking by her bedside later on. Wasupwidat?...

It was the Sam and Cam show, more or less, and while the two definitely work as close friends, they're far more brother and sister than they ever will be lovers (unless you're into the whole brother and sister lovin' thing, that is... ahem...). I guess the writers did a decent job in making Cam seem to care about Carter's predicament, and kudos to Ben Browder as well for furrowing that brow so convincingly. But really, maybe it was just my expectations and all, but I expected more kickass scenes from the military man like mocking the Ori Prior after the failed attempts to dephase them, or kicking that dead Ori soldier on the ground just for shits and giggles. Instead, we got a tame and passive Cam more or less, as if he had been completely goddam Helo pussy-whipped by Carter there in the corner. Must dumb blondes always be the downfall of the greatest of men? WTF?...

There was a decent firefight in Line in the Sand, I'll give it that. Who here couldn't resist the urge to "oo'rah" when Teal'c tossed a grenade at all those poor hapless Ori soldiers there, cowering for cover? It was cool (yet primitive... compared to the Asgard, at least) to see Ori fighters actually drop ring platforms onto the ground to transport ground troops in, and it was even more badass to witness Teal'c take out a whole mess of them as the Ori idiots just stood in place. Of course, besides that, I wish that Teal'c did something else in the episode. Instead, he was relegated to the silence of a monk more or less, shrouded in cover and forced to deal with little brats and primitive twits with barely enough knowledge to fire a fucking P90 straight at the enemy...

The more interesting half of the story actually took place on the Ori ship in orbit. I never really enjoyed Tomin as a character before, but you could actually sort of tell here in this episode that he does still care for Vala. And Vala herself, in her bittersweet goodbye to her ex-husband here in this episode, actually sounded for a moment like she cared for him as well. Either that, or I just found the delivery in her voice to be cute as she basically whispered, "come with me" or "come hither", or maybe that's just me. Either way though, as boring as the Origin tales were that Tomin was telling, the interactions between the both of them were actually the better part of the story. If only because of the threesome with the hellbent Prior as well, lurking in the shadows...

Seriously, this may have intrigued me, but it also baffles me, how the fucking Ori could've gotten their goddam book of Origin wrong. They fucking wrote it to trick humans into believing in them as gods, and we all know firsthand from talking to the Ancients and Ori themselves, that the Ori absolutely don't give a fuck if their Priors kill every single being in our galaxy (as long as they leave space available to grow more humans later on). So really, we all know from the "gods" themselves that wiping out the village in this episode just to take out Carter and Cam and co, was the right thing to do in the Ori's ascended eyes...

Yet according to the fucking Book of Origin, as Tomin quite candidly pointed out, the Ori long ago stated that as long as you claim to want to believe in their faith, then you're free to live and prostrate in their name. So basically, we have a weird conundrum here, with the Prior actually misinterpreting the word of the Ori from the Book of Origin (as Tomin states), yet we all knew here that the Prior was also following the exact word of the actual Ori in wiping out all the innocents off the face of the planet. That's one sure as hell fucked up religion then, as the Ori must be too damn lazy just to update their goddam books over the course of several thousand years. So technically Tomin was both right and wrong at the same time as he was bitching like a little girl at the Prior. WTF?...

Either way though, I did enjoy Line in the Sand for what it was worth. It had some good action scenes, a lot of decent Cam and Sam banter, and we finally got Teal'c kicking ass for once (even if it was only for a moment). And hell, I never thought the return and probable death of Tomin could actually raise one of my eyebrows, let alone two, yet it was nice to see him stand up to the Prior for his wife...

... because I guess he was truly the only one who took to heart the religion of fucking Star Trek...

Sigh... I really should've reviewed last week's episode of Stargate Atlantis last Sunday...

... even though I definitely do have mixed feelings about Sunday as an episode...

I mean, on one hand, there were some really interesting character bits scattered throughout the episode. We learned that Major Lorne is a damn fine painter, and even I seemed to admire the view of the Ancient city from the balcony he was on. And how the fuck could we ever not give the manly wink to Dr. Zelenka, as he was owning the rest of those nerds in chess and winning free Swedish massages (although he probably cared more about the anime DVD collection, sadly...)? Who the fuck could possibly resist yet another round of golden golf with Colonel Sheppard, even though it was all ruined by the fact that Ronan completely didn't have the right grip next to the goddam Callaway duffle bags?...

It sounds ridiculous, I know. McKay knew that as he was saying it outloud to himself and the others as well. And that's just one of the reasons why I just can't give Sunday my two thumbs up, although I definitely can give the writers my two fucking cents instead...

Because seriously, this is the episode that they chose to let Carson Beckett go? WTF?...

When I first heard about the cast changes for next season, I expected that perhaps Carson would become a smalltime reoccurring character, at best simply leaving for earth, or at worst pulling a Lt. Ford and being both ambiguously dead and alive at the same time. But instead, from a fucking goddam explosive tumour, that is the way they chose to kill off one of the best damn characters that the series has ever had? They made Carson Beckett explode in a goddam blaze of fire? Seriously, WTF?...

What is with the writers and constantly killing their doctors off? They were far too trigger happy when it came to ol' Doc Frasier back in season seven of Stargate SG-1, and now they wipe out Beckett from the face of the universe for God knows whatever reason? I know that the producers were never happy that Paul McGillion sort of squeezed his way into becoming a main cast member on the show, but he did it for a damn good reason (besides the resume credentials, that is...). While Carson may not be the number one favourite character on SGA for the vast majority of viewers, he is almost always certainly either the second or third favourite, depending on who you ask. And yet the writers do him in by a clusterfuck of goddam fucking explosive tumours? What the fuck kind of send-off is that?...

Yeah, yeah, he was sacrificing his life to save his patient and the rest of the base. He locked himself into the room, refused to give up, never said surrender, and got some random red shirt of a bomb squad guy killed in the process as well. So much for being the hero, as couldn't he have just thrown the damn thing out of the window and ran his girly legs off in the other direction instead? WTF?...

And why doesn't anyone care about that random, lowly bomb squad guy who blew up too? Or why no songs or virgils or crappy Scottish kilts for Doctor fucking Houston, who was literally so fucking hot and horny for Teyla there at the start, that she fucking goddam blew the fuck up? WTF?...

Oh, Teyla. On her day off, that was the only storyline they gave her? She was sparring with some random doctor that we had never seen before, had a lunch canceled with Dr. Weir since apparently Elizabeth wasn't horny enough for some pussy that afternoon, and then Teyla gets her gut torn in two by some random explosive tumour in the hallway? I suppose we were meant to be touched by the fact that she was standing there with crutches at Beckett's funeral, as testament to the man who saved her life and her storylines so many times, but I really just couldn't give a damn about any of that shit. Not when Samantha Carter had far more of a toughened out brush with death on SG-1 this past week as well...

Dr. Weir meanwhile was a bitch. She blew off Teyla instead of blowing her clit, going out on some lunch date with some bizarro bearded man instead. My God, was there absolutely no chemistry between the both of them, just sitting there awkwardly like Smallville characters as she sipped the finale of her water bottle. Was that the point, to show that she really is uncomfortable around any man under her command that she actually finds attractive? Or was it all from the fact that Torri Higginson just can't act worth a damn unless she sits there all pretty and pointy for the camera with her goddam eyes and mouth shut? Her only decent scene in the entire episode was when she was stopped and interrogated by Carson about her "hot date", because yes, I just couldn't stand the bitch when Weir was giving her overpretentious and preachy sermon at the goddam good doctor's funeral later on...

Ronan didn't really get a story of his own, but at least he got a lot of decent lines in. He finally opened up and admitted that he once had a wife (or close enough...) back on Sateda, and he got to enjoy some good ol' fashioned earth beer as well. Hell, I even snickered at times at just how ridiculous his "Sateda" game was, with the combat pegged on one leg and all that other bullshit. I would've figured that Sheppard should've put up at least something of a better fight than he did, but whatever, Ronan will have to wait for SuperFord to return for any real sort of challenge...

What I could not stand though was the fact he was Ronan could somehow belt a golf ball that far out with a one handed grip. Call me a golf nut or something, even though I fucking suck at the sport, but it bugs me that the writers would include something so damn far-fetched and goddam unrealistic in what I consider to be a goddam reality, documentary show. The fucking nerve...

Sheppard really spent the day with Ronan, getting his ass kicked in the process in really any kind of sport. We do learn however that apparently, John was married once, although from his personality we'd assume he was drunk in Vegas next to Lexa Doig or some shit like that back on earth for a weekend (isn't that Michael Shanks' excuse?... or luck, either one...). I really did enjoy his little tussle with Ronan over the Sateda touch football of a game, even if I really felt the fight should've been more fair. And even though Teyla did quite ruin the scene by her lonesome, I still felt something coming from Sheppard nonetheless, when he admitted that Carson's death hadn't quite hit him yet, but was "looking forward" to the moment it would...

This episode indeed was all about Dr. Carson Beckett, and aside from the whole fucking explosive tumours part, it wasn't really a bad send-off. Sunday was never really truly seen through his own eyes though, aside from maybe a brief five minute period where Zelenka and Lorne stole the show, but it was nice how Beckett's whole fishing trip routine with McKay was the unifying focal point of the entire hour and all character stories...

Now, did we really learn anything else about Beckett other than the fact that he would be in heaven back in Minnesota with Richard Dean Anderson (and judging by the delighted girlfriend look he gave to Dr. Weir in the hallway, I'm not just talking about the fish...)? I don't really think so. But he final moments with Rodney really were something that tugged a tear at my cheek, as I guess that's just something that happens when best friends depart...

Weirdly enough, Sunday felt more like a Rodney McKay episode than anything else in the end. It was predominated by his whining and griping to the two doctors about their accident with the Ancient radiation machine, and then we were forced into far too many cutesy conversations with Dr. Katie Brown. I mean seriously, we all ask what she sees in him, but what the fuck does he see in her? He can do so much better at this base of superfine science hotties, as I found myself wishing that it was fucking Katie Brown blowing up from fucking explosive tumours instead. Either way though, I did find the scenes between Rodney and her to be awkwardly adorable at times, if only because of the honesty both parties put forth. Even Rodney finds their relationship baffling, as we really still have no confirmation yet if he is indeed a 40 year old virgin...

... I'm sure Carson before his death was wondering (or hoping?) the same thing as well...

As much as Sunday was Beckett's episode, it just felt like it was more about Rodney's emotional fallout than anything else. David Hewlett really stole the show as he was packing together Carson's personals and preparing to bring them back to earth. We all know that both him and Paul McGillion were close friends in real life, even filming "A Dog's Breakfast" together just the other month, and it almost did feel like Hewlett was projecting and emoting his real attitude and feelings on the matter in all those scenes he was expressing his regret on the show...

If only he hadn't made mistakes, Rodney feared, then perhaps none of this would've happened. Beckett reassured him as a "best friend" that that was simply not the case, but to be honest? What if David Hewlett had fought for Paul to become a regular, only for McGillion to be replaced by the uber-hot Firefly click soon to come? While obviously Kaylee was cute as fucking hell back in those Brown Coat days, that doesn't change the fact that Carson Beckett will be sorely fucking missed, as he was truly almost universally loved by everyone in the entire fucking Atlantis audience...

So seriously, what gives? Why the fuck did the writers write him off? Why the fuck did they pull a fucking soap opera here, and had him fucking offed by a cluster of fucking little brain tumours of some shit like that? What kind of a clusterfuck of a screw up is this? WTF?...

Sure, I loved a lot of the character interactions in Sunday. And short story short, I really did feel a hell of a lot of emotion in those final moments of Rodney saying goodbye to his friend on the Atlantis pier. It was great camera work, great acting and fucking great writing the whole way through...

But alas, that does not change the fact that it was just wrong, it just feels plain motherfucking wrong...

... not just to kill off Carson Beckett, but to kill him off in such a meaningless fashion...

It was nice that they gave him one final farewell with an episode that was more or less dedicated to the best doctor that Stargate as a series has ever known...

... but it still just feels like such an ungrateful disservice to both the actor and the character in the end...

We have to stop the writers from screwing with our fan favourites and the doctors on the show in this very goddam way. What can we do?...

I was surprised, really. That Rapture didn't fucking suck ass as much as the Toronto fucking Raptors...

(.500 baby, FIVE FUCKING HUNDRED... though obviously, that ain't gonna last more than 24 hours, but that's besides the point...)...

Now, did this episode capture and enrapture my heart, if that's even a word? Not exactly, considering too much of it was devoted to meaningless, religious dribble. And of course, the camera was centered on more sweaty gay action between Dualla and Starbuck on one end, and Anders and Lee on the other. The back end, really...

But after rolling my eyes at just how damn predictable and cliche that the first part of the BSG mid-season finale was, I was pleasantly surprised that I didn't see a lot of the revelations in Rapture coming from a mile away. It sort of was the opposite feeling as I had last year, when Pegasus completely outshone its next two episodes, while I completely have no memory of the turd of whatever episode came before Rapture this season already...

I do however remember a lot of speculation on the net about those drawings in Starbuck's quarters last year, although at the time I thought nothing of it. I imagined it to be just a cool little design of a pattern, as I never thought it would come back as a major revelation for all those who cared. It really does seem like Starbuck is a Cylon now, one of the final five, who we are being led to believe are actually the Five Lords of Kobol as well. Considering the rumours surrounding Katee Sackoff's future on the series (...), I'm actually excited at how her role will play out for the rest of the third season now. Her character has been without direction for so long now, pining over Lee and whining over Leoban, and now finally the writers have finally give her a goddam road-sign...

Did I see it coming, that the drawing on the temple walls was actually that of a supernova? Why didn't the 13th tribe just call it an "exploding star" instead of the fucking Eye of Jupiter then? Either way, even though both Cally and Tyrol pissed me off as hell the whole time they were on screen (why didn't he just blow up the temple when the rockstar of a supernova would've done it a minute later anyhew? WTF?...), I did actually find the look in his eyes to be somewhat comforting, the way he was kind of in a trance at the sight of the sun igniting before him. Is he a fucking Cylon then? Who the fuck knows? All I do know, is that that kind of revelation in his mind, was actually very well written and brilliantly acted out in the end. And of course, the SciFi effects of the solar system being nuked to hell by its Sun were fun for the time being as well...

I was rolling my eyes and burrowing my brow deep down into the pits of my gut at just how dumb it was to end the mid-season cliffhanger a month ago on Admiral Adama threatening to nuke the planet. We knew he wouldn't dare do such a thing, yet Rapture actually had its moments where I was left in doubt at the start of what would actually happen. Of course, logic simply states that Lee and Starbuck have to survive on the surface (nobody cares about Anders though...), but Edward James Olmos just proved to me once again that he truly is The Man around these parts, as he completely convinced me with his acting then and there that he was truly willing to go all out...

... and hell, even Pirate Tigh over in the corner had his moments too, even if he was just the sidekick of a hamburgler helper meal here...

Now, despite all my praise, of course it's not like Rapture was the real highlight of my week or anything (strangely enough, that honour actually goes to goddam Smallville for once... WTF?...). I couldn't stand any of the scenes with Baltar (who obviously is not a Cylon) or with D'eanna down on the planet's surface, especially with just how damn vague the writers are being with the Final Five. So, getting this straight in my head, Number Three (don't get why she would be the third model created yet not part of the Final Five...) sees the identities of the Cylon gods, then gets fucking boxed by Cavil before ever getting to tell the others what she saw? How the fuck does that make sense? WTF?...

Of course, I was in love with every single moment that Grace Park was showing her cute as fuck face on screen. It's just that, half of that time, we were also faced with fucking Helo being a complete pussy-whipped asshole, even going so far as to suicide his girl at the crack of her whip. And the other half of the time, Grace Park was playing a character who completely didn't make sense, as the only way I can possibly fathom how "Boomer" would have gone Cylon insane enough to snap a baby's neck (interesting twist from Number Six in the miniseries...), is if she really did miss being part of the Galactica family with Adama and Tigh, and couldn't bear the brunt of the fact that she is indeed a bitch of a Cylon...

Either way though, I can forgive Grace Park for all her character's transgressions, simply because she was hot as fuck with that FOB hairstyle of hers. It's just that, the writing of her characters just doesn't make any real damn logical sense at times, as this was not the Boomer we saw at the end of season two. And as for "Athena", the good Grace Park? We're left with the open-ended question of whether she really was going to betray Galactica or not. Personally, I don't give a shit if she turns out as goddam bitchy as her Edgemont counterpart of Lana Lang over on Smallville, as long as Sharon keeps sitting there pretty for the camera without a single word uttered...

I didn't like vast majorities of this episode, but Rapture still managed to capture my imagination with all roads and signs leading to Rome, or Earth in this case. Of course, having some decent generic action sequences of Cylons getting shot in the head with automatic weapons fire always helps too, but that's besides the point...

So yes, I was surprised, really. After The Eye of Jupiter a month ago, my expectations for Rapture were seriously as low as a goddam setting Sun. Now, I wasn't quite blown away like a fucking supernova by this episode or anything, but I was indeed definitely surprised that it probably ended up being second on the list to Exodus for season fucking three...

Y2kk Update: - Smallville: Labyrinth small Smallville Week in Review (Spoilers...) -

Okay, I admit it. For some damn reason, I seem to have some kind of fetish for goddam episodes about goddam psychiatric wards...

I mean seriously, WTF? I absolutely loved the Buffy the Vampire Slayer episode of "Normal Again", "Frame of Mind" is really one of the only damn decent Jonathan Frakes episodes ever produced on Star Trek, and hell's bells, I think I even enjoyed parts of that goddam "Real World" episode of Dr. Weir shit on Stargate Atlantis earlier this season. WTF?...

And when it's time for Smallville to pry on my goddam foot fetish once more, what is the result?... well?...

"Finally, after six fucking years of Lana fucking Lang, Clark Kent finally goes insane? Why is it that I feel I can relate here? WTF?..."

You know what's really weirding me out though? That if only because of my fucking goddam love for episodes such as this one, where a superhero or some SciFi character starts believing that everything around them is nothing more than a hallucination, I actually enjoyed Labyrinth as one of my favourite episodes of Smallville this season so far. Not like that's saying much, but still, considering this was such a heavy hitting episode of Lana fucking Lang? Seriously, WTF?...

Smallville as my favourite episode of the week? Shit, this is weird, and just plain goddam wrong. Is there something wrong with me? Should I get therapy? WTF?...

It's just that, even though no character was really in their natural element, everything worked so well together in Labyrinth. Perplexing really, as if it was all proof that if only the writers had written each and every personality on the show to be the complete opposite of who they are right from the start, then maybe Smallville wouldn't suck as a goddam series so badly to the very day?...

Oh, Chloe. Rumours have abounded about your death for so long, and really I shed no tears after the goddam clear as Acuvue product placement of the goddam Toyota Yaris. Why is it that a completely batshit insane, mental asylum runaway somehow still gets to own a fucking brand new Yaris? WTF?...

Okay, this episode really was backwards world. I completely couldn't stand Chloe in Clark's dream world, yet I somehow was able to tolerate Lang Lang. Seriously, WTF? WHAT THE FUCK?!?...

Tolerate may not be the right word though. It's just that, Lana as a character has always been a manipulative bitch, and it worked so well here in being the evil siren. The story about the engagement ring at age 10 was actually kind of moving, if only because in this alternate universe at least, Lana Lang was no longer wearing that goddam spoiled bitch designer clothing she's been donning for the past few seasons of the show or whatnot. She actually seemed tempting here in Labyrinth, even though deep down inside, we all knew her as the batshit insane bitch that she really is. The "good" Lana Lang was a complete illusion, and we all knew deep down inside that it was too good to be true. And thus, she was the perfect, ideal candidate for being the goddam bait, or the goddam Kryptonite to Clark's soul in the end...

Now, I could've done without all of Tom Welling's goddam teen angst of whining and griping and pining over goddam Lana Lang yet fucking again. I swear, if I ever have to deal with that bullshit in the series ever again, I'll fucking bore a hole through my skull with a fucking goddam drill. Hell, I'm surprised Clark hasn't done the same already after six fucking years of Lang fucking Lang...

Thankfully though, besides how ridiculous the latter half of the episode was with Clark laying the smackdown on some morosely old ass, I actually appreciated the art and direction that this episode took. The music was actually kind of disturbing, in a good way for once that actually enhanced the atmosphere. I never really suspected at first that the distortions coming from my speakers was really Shelby back in the real world, barking up a storm. And who here didn't appreciate the little psychobabble moments there, with the "Phantom Zone" as a prison psychology book, Dr. Milton Fine being called for over the intercom, and Raya of course having gained a fucking few pounds since the last time we saw her...

I don't know, but Labyrinth actually was quite memorable to me, if only because of the whole alternate universe of a setting, allowing the writers for once to goddam take a chance or two. Seeing Lex in a wheelchair like that, with the whole story of Clark's delusions causing the Porsche from the first episode to crush Luthor's knees, was actually kind of heart-breaking in a sad way. Michael Rosenbaum didn't get that much screentime to perform here in Labyrinth, but for every moment he was there, he simply acted his ass off, even if he barely had any of it left after the accident...

Chloe may have been disturbing annoying as a psychotic bitch in the dream world, but there was just something so damn lovable and fuckable about her back in the real world. Clark obviously trusts her more than anyone else in the world but his own family, and why the hell he didn't make a move on her as he buttered her rosy cheeks up with compliments, I will never know. Either way though, there was just so damn much chemistry in that one scene alone, that it almost makes me look forward to the goddam upcoming Valentine's Day episode, instead of just assuming it'll be yet another Valentine Day's massacre by the cast and crew of Smallville yet again...

And how the fuck is an episode with the Martian Manhunter, doing his thing of shapeshifting into a badass black guy and then using his telepathy to save Clark's mind from a goddam Zoner, not a great episode in anyone's psychology book? Honestly, how can you not be convinced that the life you're in is a complete fucking lie, by a guy in a straight jacket in the next padded room, talking about being from Mars, having a fear of even the slightest hint of fire, and traveling all the way to earth just for the scent and secret of the goddam Oreo twist? Seriously, what's not to believe?...

Because seriously, if anyone had ever suggested to me three weeks before that I would actually enjoy a fucking episode that featured Lana fucking Lang for half of the fucking goddam episode?...

Y2kk Update: - Smallville: Justice small Smallville Week in Review (Spoilers...) -

If there is any fucking justice in the world, then this week's episode wouldn't be just the goddam exception to the rule, but rather what the fucking goddam series of Smallville should have always been about since day fucking one...

Yet even with a motley crew of superheroes and the beginnings of the Superman mythos? The writers still managed to fuck things up...

"Why the fuck does Clark get to take the lead in the melodramatic powerwalk? What the fuck did he do, except play the ugly a fuck, damsel in distress? WTF?"...

My God, was I the only one balling in tears at the god-awful Armageddon rip off of a Michael Bay, overdramatic powerwalk from our so-called superheroes? And then what the fuck do the writers do again, but fucking do that same pointless dribble of bullshit all over again as Clark's "amazing" friends leave the man of steel in their flash of dust at the end? WTF?...

Next thing you know, the Green Arrow is walking out with a swagger and a purpose next to his uber-muscular and shirtless team...

Wow. Oliver Queen sure got over that bitch, Lois Lane, real fast... faster than a goddam speeding bullet, to say the least...

Suffice to say, I had high hopes for Justice. I think we all did, considering I think this is what every fucking comic book fan thought that Smallville as a series would have been six fucking seasons ago. Sure, we've had brief glimpses of the birth of Superman over the course of the past few years, with episodes like Run, Aqua and Cyborg all playing their part in forming the overdramatic powerwalks of Justice. But still, for a show to take this many years just to provide what I would consider an average episode for any other television series to date? WTF?...

But by Smallville standards? Fuck, not like this is saying much, but Justice will go down as one of the best...

The first reason is more than obvious. Lana fucking Lang was nowhere in fucking sight, as even the writers have realized that any fucking moment with her would've ruined the goddam episode and the fucking sixth season as a whole...

I could've done without Lois Lane in this episode too, considering he took the mantle of the Lana Lang bitch when it came to whining and complaining and griping to her man. She never really had any clever lines here, and she didn't even have any boner-popping yoga poses to tide us over for the next week or so either. But I guess her eventual break-up with Oliver just had to be addressed somewhere and somehow, although I'm not quite sure that compressing that shit all into one fucking single episode was really the best decision the writers could've made...

"Hey, Ollie. I love you so much for taking me on a dreamy, romantic trip to Monte Carlo."

"Oh, right, sorry. Did I forget to tell you? I'm leaving town, I'm never coming back, and I'm never going to see you again. Bitch."

Nice way to put the gal down gently, Oliver. Talk about a bad "breaker-upper", my fucking God...

Chloe at least provided some sense of normalcy when it comes to women not being complete bipolar, melodramatic bitches. Some have speculated that Ms. Sullivan actually turns into a sort of "Oracle" type character in the Smallville universe, and she definitely seemed to back that point up here, as the "Watch-tower" sort of genius back at the "JL Industries" base. Besides that and being cute as fuck once again, she really surprised me with just how smartly she was written. She knew about Oliver Queen (when last week, I was sure the writers were gonna make her think the Green Arrow was actually Clark), she guided the entire superhero team to perfection, and once again she proved without a shadow of a doubt of just how damn loyal she is to Clark and whoever may be his friends. What more can you ask for from such a lovable, fuckable bitch?...

There are obviously tons of flaws in Justice, and one of them in my opinion was Lex Luthor. For one thing, his speech about "freedom" and "democracy" against the terrorists with superpowers was way over the top, and just as groan inducing as anything that spews from the mouth of Lana fucking Lang. Besides that though, the one flaw that I felt with Lex Luthor, was that aside from his Dr. Evil type of MWAHAHA evil torture contraption made for The Flash? I still felt bad for Lex, I empathized with him, simply because Michael Rosenbaum really is still the best damn actor (aside from John Glover) on the cast. I would rather have this Lex Luthor take over the world than let Clark fucking ruin the planet by trying to fucking save it with his dumbass stupidity. I really, really ridiculously wanted Lex Luthor to beat down the Green Arrow's cocky coloured ass. Is that too much to ask?...

And I don't know, but while I do appreciate the idea behind Justice, it just felt like too much was crammed into one damn episode for it all to work out in the end. Clark literally caught up with AC and Viktor the Cyborg in about ten seconds worth of conversation, then basically just cast them aside to "fly solo" and get himself stuck in a fucking room of kryptonite yet again. Does the dumbass ever learn? Even the moments with "Impulse" felt rushed (no pun intended...), as I enjoyed the "connection" between him and Clark and Chloe far more in Run than in Justice. Or was that simply because the actor who plays Bart Allen has gotten chubby and ugly with a goddam fucked up voice from puberty? WTF?...

But oh, Clark Kent, how fucking dumbass can you be? He always thinks he's invincible, yet here he is simply dumbass enough to stroll into a lead-plated room with nary a thought of fucking goddam kryptonite? He then gets his sorry ass saved by losers like Aquaman and fucking Cyborg, only to then try to steal back the show with his uber-dramatic powerwalk there at the end? Really, while I do appreciate the writers bringing the beginnings of the Justice League into the show, it was just done so much better in episodes like Run and the Green Arrow's first introduction. Because in both of those episodes, at least Clark Kent didn't seem like a complete fucking moron. Here, I was just shaking my fucking head that eventually this fucking idiot of a "Boy Scout" would eventually take the reigns as the spiritual leader of the group. Where the fuck is Christian Bale and fucking Batman when you need him? WTF?...

Either way, complaints aside, if only every fucking episode of Smallville was about the birth of Superman and the goddam Justice League Task Force? Sure, Justice may have been just an average episode of television in my eyes, but it was still one of the best fucking episodes of Smallville that has ever sadly aired. That may not mean much, but at least it stands for goddam something...

And if there is any goddam justice in the world? If the writers ever want to do the actual name of "Superman" justice with their goddam stories and scripts?...

... then for the rest of the goddam series?... this goddam episode better not be the exception to the goddam rule...

And please, will they at least just let the goddam series end with the proper dignity, deserving of the greatest comic book hero ever told?...

Y2kk Update: - Stargate SG-1: The Quest (Part 2) and Stargate Atlantis: The Ark Reviews (Spoilers...) -

I'm sorry, but I've just always loved tales of King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table...

Hell, even as a little kid, I would stay up late watching the most god-awful, wretched cartoon shit about Merlin and crap like that. I don't know why I put up with that BS when I had much better shit to review in my mind at the time (Back to the Future, bitches...), but I just did...

And naturally, how the fuck could the inner child within not love the actual return of Merlin in The Quest (Part 2)? I never really liked the actor who played Moros in Stargate Atlantis in the past (and later Merlin on SG-1), as he never seemed to show the wisdom and the sort of magical conviction becoming of the most powerful man to ever walk the earth. But here, while he neither felt overwhelming powerful or like a real wizard in The Quest, he just somehow still felt like Merlin to me. An aged, withered, vulnerable version of the man I used to idolize as a child, but he certainly still had that spark in there that let me know that I truly was reliving the tale of King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table in SG-1...

Hell, the writers even hinted at the old possibility of reincarnation from the tales of the Round Table. I mean, it kind of sucks that Vala was left out in the cold, and it wouldn't make sense for Ba'al to actually have been Mordred (since Ba'al has been alive for a ten thousand years). But hey, if Cam Mitchell really does look like Perceval? Does that mean then that Daniel really is Gallahad? Was Carter really Guinevere?...

Okay, so maybe there are a few remaining holes in that theory of mine. Either way, any episode is automatically amazing if General fucking Landry ain't in it, wouldn't you say?...

My favourite episodes of the past ten fucking years of SG-1 have all pretty much centered on Jack O'Neill or Daniel Jackson, and The Quest (Part 2) was no exception. While this episode doesn't quite rank right up there with The Pegasus Project from earlier in the season, there's no doubt in my mind that what Daniel did here with the Sangraal was really the spiritual successor to both The Fifth Race and The Lost City. Whether it was from yet another reappearance by the Ancient head-sucker thing, or perhaps because of all the times that RDA was mentioned in passing, The Quest (Part 2) really did somehow feel like an old skool episode of SG-1, with Jack and Daniel bantering away. Will wonders never cease?...

There were definitely some flaws in The Quest though, to drag it down. Obviously, as always, besides being fucking hot as hell, did Adria have any real purpose or presence? The pretense is there, sure, of trying to seem like a badass bitch with her powers. And don't get me wrong, I did love her Jedi show-down with the returning Obi-Dan Kenobi at the end, if only because the writers have forgotten about using weather as a weapon for far too long. But Morena or however you spell that Firefly slut's name, just isn't an imposing menace on screen. She's just too damn hot as hell with a cute as a fucking button baby-face to ever truly be a decent villain. Sure, I love the fact that she's on the show, just like with Lexa Doig as Caroline Lam, if only she would keep her mouth shut and just stand there pretty for the camera, that is. I call it the "Dr. Weir" situation, thank you very much...

And c'mon already, what the fuck kind of lame-ass battle was that at the start? I demanded dragons, and what did I get instead, but a frog with wings? WTF?...

Sure, I give the CG guys some kudos for getting the sound effects and the overall animation of the dragon to be somewhat Reign of Fire-ish in quality. But the actual look of the dragon? Did they really have to show just how low budget this series really is? Why did they have to ruin my dream of dragons? Why, goddammit, why?...

But even that colossal debacle had its moments, namely by Teal'c playing the hero. The big bruiser didn't do much in the episode, except beat and staredown at Ba'al the whole journey through. Still, it's the little things that Christopher Judge does that really brings a smile to my face. I mean, I'm sure I wasn't the only one who noticed that just like in The Lost City, Teal'c was just standing there shooting his gun at the end without any damn cover, yet never getting fucking hit by the endless amount of bad guys shooting right at him. WTF? And you gotta give props to the big guy with the big heart, for challenging the dragon like he did at the start. Sure, he failed miserably, but Stargate SG-1 always does need a good overdramatic run and a big ass C4 explosion to keep the viewers on their camel toes. How the fuck then can I possibly complain?...

Vala was a bit strange in The Quest (Part 2), but that was mainly because she seemed so damn emotional, and it wasn't all directed at Daniel. I mean, was it just me, or did she keep giving little flirty looks to Merlin of all aging sacks of balls, shying away like a teenage girl with an old man crush? WTF?...

But besides those awkward moments, I really do appreciate how she's grown as both a comical and serious character. I laughed when she seemed so damn giddy when screaming out the dragon's name of "Darryl", yet I really could empathize with her when she was tearing up during Mitchell's whole "team" lecture. She really has no problem with sacrificing herself, and you could see it in her eyes, but she couldn't bear to part with Daniel. She really does seem like she cares about him, or the actor really, if only because of the fact that I too would be jealous that Michael Shanks is boning a woman as fucking fine as Lexa Doig. I'm sure Vala wants a piece of that MD action too, if you know what I mean...

Mitchell never really feels like he belongs in stories about Ba'al or the Goa'uld or any of that other old skool SG-1 mythology, but he somehow fits in perfectly with the feel of the Round Table. Maybe the actor really is Perceval reborn then, I don't know. All I do know, is that he definitely had his moment of the season, if not the whole series, when he explained to Vala in plain black and white what it means to truly be part of the team. And you just can't fault the guy for running into the firefight at the end with all those Ori cannon fodder soldiers, running and gunning and blazing with really no concern for the fallen Ba'al whatsoever...

As for Sam? Carter really didn't do much except pose as a comic foil for Ba'al. Knocking him flat on his ass did get a cheer or two out of me, even though we all know that this was just yet another clone of the Goa'uld. Still, it's the little things in the episode I enjoyed, like Merlin shutting Ba'al up with a flick of the wrist. And Carter seemed to enjoy it all too, despite all the former system lord's comments about bigotry and racism and 24 shit like that. To be honest, you can actually feel more chemistry between Sam and Ba'al than you ever could with RDA. Well, RDA and Ba'al is a different story, I suppose, but that's besides the point...

Once again, I'll iterate that The Quest (Part 2) really was Daniel's episode, and Michael Shanks really did manage to shine like he has so many times in the series before. Even just listening to Merlin tell the stories of his past was amazing and captivating, only for the tables to be reversed as I was still hanging on every fateful word when Daniel had all of the former ascended's knowledge downloaded into his brain...

The rest of the episode mainly dealt with just fancy lights and colours as the brain-rewired Daniel virtually made a copy of the Sangraal for materialization, and obviously there's only so many Sci-Fi hologram effects you can take before getting bored. But honestly, if you weren't a fan of the Jedi showdown between him and the obviously horny as hell Adria, then you simply have no true inner geek in you. Who the fuck can possibly resist the scent and allure of a fucking dark Jedi bitch with massive, medieval cleavage to boot? Daniel sure as hell couldn't, as why else would he choose to save his friends and stay behind? Fuck, he got a free ticket to her room. I wish I could get that fucking lucky...

And if you didn't enjoy The Quest (Part 2), which was a huge improvement over the lacklustre first parter in every possible way? Then yes, you really don't have any real inner child in you leftover when it comes to King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table. Or you just haven't seen enough goddam decent Star Wars films in your life (or sadly enough, actually enjoyed the prequel trilogy... either one...)...

The tenth and final season of SG-1 still can't come close to matching the quality that I loved from the ninth season of the show as the Ori were introduced, but episodes like The Pegasus Project and The Quest (Part 2) are truly edging the gap closer and closer. I love old Arthurian mythology, and I still can't express enough just how thankful I am to the writers, for bringing SG-1 as a series to a close with some of the best damn episodes they've ever written and produced...

... now, if only we could get one more season, this time based on Back to the Fucking Future?...

The Ark was a decent enough Stargate Atlantis episode, but it definitely was no saviour...

I mean, I suppose it was a decent enough Sci-Fi episode, seeming like a generic mix of both Star Trek and James Cameron's Abyss at times (don't know why, it just did), but it entertained me for an hour for the most part, and that's all that I should ask for, right?...

... well, yes and no... especially from an episode with such a pretentious title, of course...

For one thing, since this was such a Sci-Fi episode, it just bugs the inner nerd in me that earth no longer feels special when it comes to resourcefulness and survival. While obviously we've done our own fair share of technological development, developing anti-gravity and sublight engines, not to mention basic interstellar hyperdrive engines to boot, it just somehow annoys me how this "primitive" 1960's culture in The Ark was able to not only completely hollow out a moon with full life support, but build a fucking huge space station using captured Wraith technology. Even with the resources of "five generations" at their disposal as they stated, it just makes earth feel less special when it comes to galactic scrappiness, that's all. A small complaint and nitpick, sure, but one that keeps nagging at my gut...

Personal geek opinions aside though, I did like most of the cinematography in this episode. The writers obviously cared a lot about their Sci-Fi effects during the crash of the Apollo-like reentry-shuttle with Sheppard at the helm. The overall set of the space station was effective as well, feeling claustrophobic and closed in, exactly as you would feel in a situation with little to no life support left. Now sure, it's starting to feel a bit strange how rare it has become to have the Daedalus come to save the day, as the team definitely could've used the ship here. But still, for a Star Trekish type of storyline, I thought the writers did a decent enough job... with the Sci-Fi aspects of the show, that is...

But you definitely know something is wrong with your episode, when a) it takes a forum post by the writer of the episode itself to explain just how the fuck Sheppard survived the crash landing (shuttle built like a glider, and pure dumb luck to boot...), and b) the most memorable part of the entire fucking Ark was literally the earth Snickers bar that somehow found it's way to the ancient shuttle's controls. WTF?...

There were just a lot of dumb moments in the episode that didn't somehow fit. Take Teyla for instance. When her gun was first swiped, not only did she pull a Carter by not having her sidearm on guard, but she didn't even react fast enough to take it back before the safety was turned off? Even if the old geezer did turn off the safety (which we never saw), Teyla is fucking fast enough to just pull a Jackie Chan at that range and take the weapon back. Yet instead she just freezes there, as the damsel as distress. WTF?...

Sure, the writers wanted to give her some character development, and the actress did a decent job of conveying both regret and horror at the fact that the ancient civilization nuked themselves to hell just to rid themselves of the Wraith in the past. But having her become so damn dumbass that she gets trapped in the Wraith transporter on the station, just felt so damn forced and so damn contrived, that once again it took a literal explanation from the story writer after the episode had aired to figure out what the fuck was going on...

Ronon was meant to be his usual badass self, and he sort of did pull a Jack Bauer when he pulled himself up and slotted his shoulder back in place. Still, aside from his challenge to Sheppard to fight to the death if they were going to run out of air (a fight that Ronon knew he would easily win unless Sheppard had a weapon... pfft, what a coward...), did he do anything in this episode at all? He didn't even show any signs of compassion for Teyla, which was weird considering how close the two have seemed over the past few episodes of the season. WTF?...

Now, I will always love Rodney McKay, and granted he certainly had quite a few ingenious quarks and quips within this episode. Obviously, noting how screwed they were once the Puddle Jumper was blasted by the shuttle into space was one thing, and trying to play the hero by trying to ram a busted door shut was another. Squealing for his life in a spacesuit as the window of the control room was cracked was decent as well, I suppose. It's just that, this was sort of the old Rodney McKay we had here, a sort of reversion back to season one standards. He just didn't feel like the Rodney we had gotten to know after McKay and Mrs. Miller or the Tao of Rodney. It felt like all of his character development from the third season of the show had been completely ignored and goddam disregarded, and I don't think that sat quite well with me here...

Dr. Weir was barely in the episode. Can I ever comment about her at all, except that I probably won't miss anything but her two darling breasts when she's made into a reoccurring character next season? WTF?...

I'm sure Sheppard will complain about the loss of her as an "ass-et", but I think he should complain instead about how damn bad this episode made his piloting skills look in the end. When I first watched the end of the episode, I was wondering how the fuck he could get lucky enough for that primitive little shuttle to survive the complete meltdown of the moon and somehow land on the planet after uncontrolled atmospheric reentry with barely a scratch. Then after reading the explanation of what the writers intended online, I learned that is what really happened, that Sheppard survived by pure dumb luck after going on a fucking suicide mission for Teyla of all fucking bitches. Really, is that the best way to make your hero into someone we actually care about? Maybe I'm just wrong about this, but seriously, dumb fucking luck? WTF?...

The impression I got from the episode instead was that Sheppard and his team was selfish. They knew they couldn't save the thousand or so innocents in stasis on The Ark, so they didn't even bother to try until Teyla became one of the trapped souls as well. The thing is though, if I had really gotten the impression that it was "impossible" to save those thousand or so lives, then I wouldn't have thought the team was selfish. I guess the writer just never really managed enough to convey the fact that perhaps getting the fucking Daedalus over there in time or stripping the power source out of the shuttle itself for the stasis pod, was fucking absolutely impossible. Or maybe I wasn't just paying enough attention since the episode just wasn't the saviour that I was led into believing it was...

It was a decent enough Sci-Fi episode, but it just didn't really feel like a true Stargate Atlantis episode, you know?...

The series for me has always been more about character development than generic plots stolen from Star Trek (even though I do enjoy my Klingon-turned-Jaffa stories, thank you very much...). And The Ark just didn't do the Stargate name justice...

Because when I first heard the name of this episode? To be honest, I kinda hoped and expected it to be about Dr. Weir, Cadman and Sora being the last three beings in the entire goddam galaxy...

... and then having to find a way with each other to, you know... procreate... and reseed the galaxy...

Y2kk Update: - Smallville: Hydro small Smallville Week in Review (Spoilers...) -

... I need water to wash that goddam awful aftertaste of Smallville out my throat...

"Lana Lang fucks over Lex's ego by telling him she's in love with another man... then chooses to marry him? WTF?"...

Oh my fucking God, when I first heard that Hydro was going to deal with Lana's decision over Lex's marriage proposal, I nearly vomited in the back of my mouth. And believe me when I say that nothing could've prepared me for just how shit ass her parts of this episode really were. Did we really need more "oh shit" looks between her and Clark? Did we really need more goddam teen angst mistrust between her and Chloe? Did she really have to beat down Lex's ego with a fucking ugly stick before accepting his goddam marriage proposal? Why do the writers hate the Smallville audience so damn much? Why the fuck is Lana not at least increasing her goddam concussion count this goddam season? WTF?...

I fully expected to gouge my eyes from Hydro until puss started spewing out, and that is definitely what happened whenever goddam Lana Lang was ramming another innocent bystander over with her goddam fleet of SUV's. But still, I was shocked to both watch and learn that the rest of the episode really wasn't so bad afterall. If you completely ignore every single scene with Lana Lang or Linda Lake, and just go by that other girl with two L's in the initials of her name, then perhaps Hydro wasn't a complete waste of an hour of human history afterall...

Okay, finally we got some of that old Lois Lane sass back. She was large and in charge for the most part, actually seeming intelligent for once in figuring out a superhero's secret identity. Of course, the writers couldn't let that happen for the long run (not that I blame them... Lois in the comics is even dumber), and actually set up a somewhat clever ploy when it came to Clark Kent donning the costume for the Green Arrow. I wasn't surprised by the kiss between the man in the suit and Lois Lane, as obviously it'll play a big part as the series comes to a close. However, I was impressed by the quality of the scene that followed, with Lois all smitten over the masked man, as both she and Chloe and of course, Clark's patented "oh shit" looks, generated one of the only classic scenes of the entire goddam season to date...

Chloe was just goddam cute and fuckable in this episode. Is there anything else really to say? Her face was simply glowing when she "figured" out that Clark was the Green Arrow, and she was acting so goddam cute and cheerful as a button when Lois was swooning over her kiss with the Green Arrow. To be honest, besides the Linda Lake fiasco, I really don't know why this episode was called "Hydro", when it was all about teen angst secrets. The thing is though, instead of just more shit between Lana and Clark like I initially expected, it was Chloe instead who was bottling in then letting loose with all the secrets she's kept stashed away, and the actress made it all just goddam work as a whole in the end...

Hell, Chloe even made Clark look decent for the most part, besides those god-awful lines of being an "alien" or a goddam fucking "intergalactic traveller" (as if anyone outside of the tabloids would believe a rumour like that...). I hated every single moment Clark had with Lana in comparison, although even those at least had some purpose behind his oh shit looks, considering he did just find out that Lang was pregnant (which in reality, does change everything in a relationship). Chloe and Clark just have chemistry with each other, and it's starting to finally feel like the writers are goddam remembering that for once...

I already stated that Clark's little deal with the Green Arrow to shield his identity was relatively clever (at least for this goddam joke of a series of a show...). And naturally, it was just all so damn ridiculously amusing to watch Tom Welling try to act all conflicted and confused at enjoying his kiss with Lois, only to fail miserably like he does in every other fucking episode. Except this time, I enjoyed the fact that he sucked ass at the job, simply because Chloe was really making both him and I blush with all her incessantly flirtations, with a smile that can suck your dick straight off...

If you simply forgot every single moments staring Lana Lang, Lex Luthor and Linda fucking Lake, then Hydro becomes a decent enough episode that actually leads into Justice next week pretty damn smoothly, if only because the friendship between Clark and Oliver has been solidified (for the time being... until Lois starts ditching the latter for the Green Arrow...). And since after five or six fucking years of personal practice, of blocking out Lana fucking Lang as if she doesn't even fucking exist on the series? Then of course, Hydro sadly becomes one of the few minor pluses in this goddam horrible season of Smallville to date...

The show for me has always been about Chloe, Clark and Lois Lane, and all three of them did their part in this episode. Now, finally cut Clark out of the equation and just have Chloe and Lois go at it, and then suddenly? Ah, yes, finally we'll have an episode of Smallville worth goddam watching for once...

... but let's just hope Justice next week is a refreshing substitute until then...

... to wash that filthy aftertaste of Smallville in 2006 from my goddam mouth...

If memory serves me right, I was really expecting 2006 to be a huge year in video games...

2006 was the year of both laughs and cries. Even I was absolutely dumbfounded and stupefied when the name of the "Nintendo Wii" was first announced prior to E3. And I was pissed off at the whole of the industry yet again, when E3 was announced to be cancelled from 2007 and on. WTF?...

This was the year of two major console launches (or three, if you count the Nintendo DSLite). How the fuck could I not have assumed it would be a huge year in gaming one year ago to this very day?...

The Playstation 3 arrived in stores in November to such incredible fanfare, only for its launch lustre to quickly wear off, as it's not actually hard to find the system on eBay going for less than its market price online any longer. During my weekend morning patrols for the Nintendo Wii, at 9 and 10 AM in the morning, I was still able to routinely find a few PS3's in stock on store shelves. I admit though, that most of the ones I found were the shitty ass, gimped 20GB models. But still though, it shows just how piss poor the PS3 launch line-up was and just how price conscious North America really is, when I saw plenty of eBay scalpers actually returning their PS3's to stores in the mornings, hoping to swap it for the Nintendo Wii which was instead the hot ticket product of the holiday season...

As my Tweakui update from last night will attest, I tried everything in my power to get a Nintendo fucking Wii, just so I could play my precious Legend of Zelda on the system with the new controller. Well, I did everything in my power, that is, except fucking camp over in the middle of the Canadian winter overnight at stores. Unfortunately for me however, the bitterly cold weather was not a fucking deterrent to all those eBay scalpers and all those psychotic soccer moms intent on getting their spoiled brats of children the latest and greatest toy for Christmas. Motherfucking mothers...

If I had indeed gotten a Nintendo Wii, perhaps my outlook on the gaming year of 2006 would've ended up different? Instead, while I never did succumb to the temptation of actually camping outside of a fucking Best Buy or Wal-Mart store, I still find myself here and now as a cold, cynical bastard when it's all said and done, as if I really did freeze my ass outside in the great Canadian storms...

I just didn't have the urge to pull out all the stops for the Wii, when I myself got an Xbox 360 during the early goings of fall. It was on sale at the time, the GRAW holiday pack that came free with Gears of War that is (from Rogers Video... motherfucking Rogers...). And suffice to say, even though my brother and I didn't have an HDTV at the time (we played on a Toshiba 43" SDTV projection instead), it was a nice experience to get out of the gaming ghetto of the original Xbox and the Gamecube, and to move onto greener and "greater" pastures...

New "next generation" system or not? There was just something disappointing about the year of 2006 that I just can't shake, something that my former self from 2005 may simply not have been able to goddam fathom...

Last year, there were so very few lulls when it came to great games. Whether I had Brothers in Arms for the Xbox in the spring, Resident Evil 4 in the summer, or Fire Emblem in the fall, there was just such a complete set of games for me last year (compared to 2006, at least) to the point where I never really got bored. Granted, I did have more time to play my games back then, considering I was only working at the fucking government, where obviously I never went home as fucking tired as I do now. But still, something just felt lacking in 2006, not when it came to the system launches themselves but rather the games that actually came out for the current systems all year long...

That's not to say I was completely disappointed. The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess will forever go down as one of the best games I have ever played in my life, Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney was perhaps the best damn non-conventional game I have ever experienced, and Rainbow Six: Vegas only further fuelled and fed my newfound obsession with 24 (the television show)...

But aside from the former of these three? Every gaming experience this year for me has felt just a tad bit hollow...

... maybe I'm just getting jaded, maybe it's the fucking GAF effect or something, maybe I'm just bitter at not getting a Nintendo fucking Wii, but really?...

Sure, 2006 was a hell of a lot more exciting than 2005 when it came to the news and the goddam headlines...

... but it was also was one of the most overall unsatisfying years in video gaming history, in my honest opinion at least...

Best Game of the Year - The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess (Gamecube)
Runners-up: 1 - Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney (Nintendo DS), 2 - Rainbow Six: Vegas (Xbox 360)

Was there any fucking doubt about what would get my goddam best game of the entire damn year?...

Not only was The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess the best fucking game of the year, but it also ranks right up there with A Link to the Past and the legendary Ocarina of Time in my mind...

Does it ever really reach the pinnacle that those two games did? No, nothing can, and I think in this day and age, it's obvious why...

Twilight Princess was more or less, simply Ocarina of Time redux. At times, it even felt like far too much of a fan-service, giving the North American crowd exactly what they wanted without any real risk like there was with Wind Waker (which I for one, still love to this very day). But while obviously at times I wished that more of that original Nintendo magic was found in Twilight Princess, I still was absolutely engulfed, amazed and obsessed with the title for the whole 32 hours that it took me to finally get to the last fucking boss and see the ending...

I played the game on the Gamecube, and obviously considering Twilight Princess was rebilled as essentially a Nintendo Wii launch title, I did miss out on half of the newfound experiences I felt. Still, there's simply no denying that aside from a few wonky controls (climbing vines, controlling the camera, etc...), there is no fucking game out there right now that I would ever choose over The Legend of fucking Zelda. Whether it was riding Epona across the insanely vast plains of Hyrule Field, sharing in the grievances of Midna as your shadow, or forging your way through a grand total of nine fucking dungeons (most of which rank right up there with Ocarina of Time's classics of the Forest and Fire Temples), this game was simple inspiring...

Now, I may say this far too often for The Legend of Zelda, but I never say it enough when it comes to gaming as a whole...

Beacuse I mean, so few games every break from the mold of being just blockbuster entertainment...

And Twilight Princess easily outshone The Wind Waker, Metroid Prime, Super Smash Bros Melee, and hell, even Resident Evil 4...

The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess alone saved 2006 from goddam gaming mediocrity...

... and God, do I ever want to play the game again on the Nintendo fucking Wii...

The "current" generation of consoles were pretty much shunned this year, half because of the new rash of systems off on the horizon (and the Xbox 360, no doubt), and half because a lot of the attention had switched over to the handheld battle between the Nintendo DS and the Sony PSP (not like it's currently much of a battle, with the DS outselling the PSP 2:1 or more in most regions...)...

Problem is, even though I've been an avid collector of games for the Nintendo DS, none really captured and captivated me like I had hoped after falling in love with Mario Kart DS (and to some extent, Animal Crossing DS) late last year. I was really starting to get worried, that maybe "simplistic" handheld gaming was just not for me, as no matter how many games I tried, none in the early half of 2006 ever seemed to truly click with me...

Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney was a game I never really gave a chance to early on. I mean honestly, how the fuck would I ever have assumed that I'd absolutely fall in love with a title about a fucking lawyer battling it out in court cases? WTF?...

I bought the game off of Amazon simply because it was rare. I wanted it for the collection at the time, that's all...

Now look at me though, literally frothing in anticipation at the arrival of the US-ported sequel later this very month. Fuck, I was even tempted to pick up the Japanese version of the game at a local specialty store for fifty fucking bucks Canadian the other day. That's how much I fell in love with Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney, as it pretty much stands right next to The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess as the only saving graces of this entire year of gaming for me...

How the fuck would I have ever dreamed that for first time since literally Harry's House of Horrors back during the Wolfenstein and Doom PC era, that I would fucking fall in love with a point and click adventure? Now, it's not like Phoenix Wright didn't have its flaws, as some of the evidence presented required fucking leaps of faith to analyze, and I really found myself hating the final (and tacked on) chapter in the fucking game. But these small flaws aside, Phoenix Wright was literally the only other title besides Zelda this year, where I literally couldn't wait to get back home from work to continue on the fucking chapters in the game...

... sigh... I almost don't want to pick a third best game of the year, but since it's tradition for me to do so?...

Technically, there were only three Xbox 360 games I enjoyed this year. Those were Gears of War, NBA 2K7, and Rainbow Six: Vegas...

... meanwhile, I preferred to continue playing the original Halo on the original Xbox, thank you very much...

But if I have to choose between any of those three decent "next generation" games? Rainbow Six: Vegas gets the nod...

Sure, I wish the graphics in Vegas were up to Gears of Wars standards, and I wish there was a proper campaign co-op mode like the latter as well. I'm just not into and never have been into the Rainbow Six series when it comes to reloading my gun in the middle of a fucking doorway online. I've always been a Halo fan at heart, and I've just never really had it in me to put the time and the patience into the Rainbow Six series...

... so the mere fact that I'm enjoying a Rainbow Six game for the first time since the very original, is worth a nod or two in the end, I suppose...

On normal difficulty, Rainbow Six: Vegas really turned out to be the best Rainbow Six game ever devised for a casual gamer. The team work of moving your men into position and taking the hits for you, seems ripped right out of Ubisoft's earlier efforts of Brothers in Arms and random crappy console Rainbow Six games from the past. This time around though, everything finally felt so damn polished, as for once it didn't feel like Ubisoft and its programmers fucking hated themselves for "dumbing" down the series for the masses...

I personally felt they found a perfect blend between the casual and the hardcore in normal difficulty. You still can't run and gun, it still requires you to kneel before taking any decent shot at the enemy, and you still require all those strategies of flanking the enemy and knowing your surroundings. But thank God you can actually take some hits and recover from them now, thank God you can heal your teammates when they take the shots and go down, and thank God the developers made the fucking automatics in the game into something worthwhile to use for accuracy for once...

It's not a perfect game, and I still wish I had my fucking Halo 1 (not Halo 2 though, since that was a potato sack of fucking bullshit...)...

But as the very first Rainbow Six since the very original, that has ever caught my attention and kept it for more than five fucking minutes straight?

... as it along with NBA 2K7 are really the only reasons I'm not disgusted with the Xbox 360 as the system stands this year...

Best Story of the Year - The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess (Gamecube)
Runners-Up: 1 - Rainbow Six: Vegas (Xbox 360), 2 - Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney (Nintendo DS)

A lot of fans have grown to loathe the simplicity of The Legend of Zelda series, when it comes to it storylines and shit like that...

Now while obviously, I do concede the fact that the NPC's in Twilight Princess were far too much of card-board cut-outs and way too one-dimensional compared to Clocktown in Majora's Mask or even the better characters you meet in The Wind Waker, I just still can't accept any real criticism when it's leveled against the main storyline itself...

Maybe I went a bit over the top when comparing The Wind Waker with Shakespeare long ago, but the basic principle there still stands. The Legend of Zelda has always been about the most touching of archetypes, about the growth of a young, naive boy into a seasoned, battle-hardened warrior. And looking back at Twilight Princess, going from my save file at the end of the game right back to the very starting prologue, I really do feel that this entry in the series was the absolute best at replicating the experience of that innocent original archetype, since at least Ocarina of Time itself...

The story wasn't told so well in cutscenes, but the experience itself of Twilight Princess was simply the best I had felt in any game since the N64. Each of the dungeons told a story in themselves, and it was so obvious to just feel the meaning and the morals behind Twilight Princess, if only one doesn't rush through it assuming it'd all be explained to them in fucking FFVII cutscenes...

Now I do admit, I did rush through the game myself. A lot of regular gamers took as many as 60 hours to just get through the main quest, while I somehow managed to get half the poes, most of the golden bugs, and practically every single heart piece in just 32 hours. Rushing is sort of expected a bit though, when you're working during pretty much all your waking hours and you just can't help but feel the wear and tear of sleep at night...

But maybe it's just because of my nostalgic, rose-coloured and sometimes clouded eyes, but I couldn't get enough of the feeling I got when riding Epona throughout the fields of Hyrule. A great story doesn't need massive CG cutscenes or voice acting or any shit like that, but rather a great fucking experience and the fucking gamer providing the epic story for himself...

All I do know, is that I felt closer and more connected to Hyrule and its characters than I ever felt in any fucking RPG before...

Sadly, there really wasn't any other game this year that had quite the atmosphere of The Legend of Zelda, and there really wasn't a fucking game that screamed out a creative plotline through voice acting or cutscenes either...

I was tempted to put Baten Kaitos Origins here, considering the story so far does seem to be a fair bit more fleshed out than it was the original. But thanks to Twilight Princess, I became quite side-tracked with the former Gamecube RPG, and kind of left Baten Kaitos Origins to rot as gutter trash in the backlog for now. It wouldn't be quite fair to name it an award when I'm not even half done the fucking game...

What about Oblivion then? The problem is, I fucking hate massive, open-ended RPGs. I hated Morrowind, and I haven't even gotten past the Captain Picard segments in Oblivion to see if the game itself on the Xbox 360 is really a goddam improvement over its predecessors. So that's off the table as well...

So what does that leave? A two-way tie between Rainbow Six: Vegas and Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney, the only two games besides Zelda that I actually did really enjoy during this past year of gaming...

Rainbow Six: Vegas has such an obvious, dumbass story. Terrorists have taken over Vegas, as some sort of ruse for a bigger plan somewhere else. Then the game ends on a fucking cliffhanger, the kind of which any Halo 2 fan would've risen in arms against, considering Ubisoft is right up there with EA at fucking milking their goddam franchises...

Then again, this was also the year where I went through every fucking season of 24 in a single month of a marathon while I was still goddam working. So obviously, any plotline with fucking endless terrorists shooting the fuck out of me from cover is good enough for an award from me...

And as for Ace Attorney? I wasn't really impressed with the storylines of each and every chapter themselves, but I really did start feeling for the individual characters when it was all said and done. How the fuck can't I get a man-crush on Edgeworth of all prosecutors, when the guy let out a "w00t w00t w00t" when the fourth chapter was all said and done? Like most Japanese games, there was simply too much talking in Ace Attorney at times for its own good, but there's also just no denying that the core characters of Edgeworth, Phoenix Wright's best friend, and Mia's little sister turned out to be some of the most memorable NPC's that any game in recent memory has to offer...

Now, if only Jack Bauer could round up all those terrorists from Rainbow Six: Vegas, and put them on trial with Phoenix Wright in charge?...

Best Multiplayer Game of the Year - Gears of War (Xbox 360)
Runners-Up: 1 - Rainbow Six: Vegas (Xbox 360), 2 - NBA 2K7 (Xbox 360)

I've gotta admit, that while the Xbox 360 has been disappointing for the most part in terms of single-player experiences? It really has taken the mantle away from the Halo-box already, as the best damn system for multiplayer in this day and age...

Now, I'm not fan of Xbox Live or any shit like that (even though I subscribed to it... by accident really, as I forgot to cancel our free trial run...). I played Battlefield 2 for a while, if only because of its dumbass run and gun simplicity, but really nothing else. I've always been about multiplayer experiences on the same damn console, when it comes to parties with the cousins or get-togethers with the friends. Or really, my main benchmark is always about just how much time can be passed when playing in co-op with my brother while he is home...

Gears of War was an overall disappointing game for me, despite the fact that it probably has the best damn graphics I have ever seen in a game (console or not). I've experienced it both on an SDTV and a HDTV LCD, and both times I admit I was awed by the graphical architecture and all the bells and whistles that came along with the package. It's just that, the gameplay itself left much to be desired...

The only thing that truly did impress me about Gears of War when it comes to things that matter, was the campaign co-op mode. Never since the Halo series (and arguably only the original Halo) have I had this much enjoyment from experiencing a title in fucking co-op mode. It's something that so many companies these days completely ignores or forgets, except through online co-op shit that I personally just can't give a crap about. Gears of War on the other hand though, perfectly tailored the experience to playing alongside a friend. While the single player in Gears of War was absolute shit, the multiplayer was one of the best I have ever had on any system in the past few years...

What was even more of a plus was that unlike other co-op games on the Xbox 360 (GRAW and Rainbow Six: Vegas, I'm looking at you...), the split screen experience on a single console didn't fuck up the graphics one fucking bit. While anything from Ubisoft looks like a bloody mess in two player mode, Gears of War still look absolutely stunning in clarity and colour, even on the old SDTV that I used to play it on. While in Rainbow Six: Vegas, I struggle to make out a fucking pixel on screen that could be a fucking terrorist sniping my ass, I never have such a problem with precision and accuracy in Gears of War co-op. And the tag team feature, of being able to heal other, is exactly the kind of gameplay implementation that made the original Halo into the fucking benchmark for all co-op games to follow...

So why is it then, that it took until now and the raw processing power of the Xbox 360, to get even one fucking worthy co-op successor to Halo? That is a question I'd definitely like to know the answer for...

Rainbow Six: Vegas is a solid game in single-player, if only thanks to my mood of sniping the asses of terrorists from 24...

But in co-op mode? What the fuck is wrong with Ubisoft? Why the fuck won't they let us get through the actual campaign mode with a friend by our side? Why the fuck did they make their game look like a bloody hell, blurry as fuck mess when in split screen mode? Why is it that when we are playing the shitty ass co-op stages available, that the game also takes away our two fucking AI squad members? Why the fuck does Ubisoft do the same kind of bullshit they pulled on the Xbox and PS2 with their Ghost Recon and Brothers in Arms series, when they now have the raw processing power of the fucking Xbox 360? Cutting corners, WTF?...

Suffice to say, I was very disappointed that Ubisoft had not learned their lessons when it came to fucking co-op on the Xbox 360. Did they hear none of our complaints when it came to GRAW earlier in the year? Or was it actually some lameass, lazy ass design choice, to not bother with decent graphics in split screen mode, and to not increase the difficulty or tailor the game experience to having you and a friend take on the terrorists as a tag team? WTF?...

Still, I will admit though that even with the shitty ass co-op options available in the game? I still at times prefer to play Rainbow Six: Vegas, if only because the core gameplay itself is so much more polished and in-depth than it ever was in Gears of War. The AI in Vegas is just so much more dynamic and so much more surprising, that it adds so much more replay value to the multiplayer missions, even though the missions themselves are a pale shadow of what they are in the single-player campaign...

If anything, I'm just giving this award to Rainbow Six: Vegas because I like sniping terrorists square between the eyes...

But having fucking clarity and resolution when doing so on my fucking LCD HDTV, is that too much to fucking ask?...

If there's any game that really has taken up all the gameplay time on the Xbox 360, it's NBA 2K7.

Now, I've always loved the NBA 2K series, ever since its first incarnation back on the ol' Sega Dreamcast. The core gameplay has always been solid, and the multiplayer with family and friends has been ever better...

NBA 2K7 for the Xbox 360 has its fair share of flaws, especially the fucking fact that I can't hit my fucking free throws (since everyone has their own distinct shots), and as always, this year's version has more than enough glitches to go around. But it wouldn't be fair for me to leave it out of the multiplayer gaming awards, when really 2K7 is the title that my brother and I have played the most together out of all fucking games this year...

Still, a sports game is a sports game. And while NBA 2K7 has really wowed us in terms of widescreen graphics and almost creepy-realistic animations, I almost prefer the root gameplay of the series back on the original Xbox at times. Still, when it comes to framerate and the fact that the wireless Xbox 360 controllers are near bliss? NBA 2K7 simply takes the overall cake, in terms of always being the game we fall back to as NBA basketball fans, as taking each other on with random teams just never ever gets boring...

Now sure, the same can be said for pretty much any basketball and NHL game we've played in the past, as we're just that much of sports game whores...

... even if, looking at the competition, there really was no-one else who did...

Most Surprisingly Good Game - Gun (Multiplatform)
Runners-Up: 1 - Medal of Honor: European Assault (Multiplatform), 2 - Tomb Raider: Legend (Multiplatform)

But truth be told, I was absolutely shocked by the production values of the game. There was just a sense of freedom in Gun, that simply can't be ignored or denied...

The actual run and gun gameplay of Gun wasn't anything special. It was addicting in sort of a mind-numbing way at times, yes. But still overly simplistic with not much depth in the end. Thankfully though, that's not what I reminisce most about the game...

I've tried horseback riding in Shadow of the Colossus, and I don't care what the Sony fanatics say about it being "realistic" with the reigns. The horse controlled like pure horseshit, and that's the end of that. And even when it comes to my precious Zelda: Twilight Princess? It pisses me off sometimes how it's so damn hard to turn the fuck around, or how unintuitive it is to dismount off of the horse while Epona is running (hold R and A, I believe...). The animations in Twilight Princess also at times felt off, as I really did miss the feel of Epona from Ocarina of Time, even if she was a bit "unrealistic" in terms of motions and controls when it was all said and done...

I don't know how it came to this, but out of all games with horseback riding in this generation of gaming?...

But I absolutely fell in love with just riding into the sunset in Gun. It was just overall such an amazing and unexpected experience, that how the fuck can't I name the game as my fucking most surprisingly good game of the year?...

... the advertisements never really stressed enough, about just how free you feel in this game as you're riding with the wind...

EA Sports meanwhile, has had a history of earning a few surprisingly good game awards from me. And why wouldn't they? How the fuck would I ever have expected Freedom Fighters and the Need for Speed Underground series to be anything else but pure unadulterated shit from the same company who brings us the shitasstic sequels to the NHL and NBA Live series? WTF?...

But here once again, EA left my jaw hanging to the ground. Even if they didn't release this game in 2006, this was when I played it on the Nintendo Gamecube, and I was shocked that they finally made a credible and addicting Medal of Honor entry...

A lot of fans found European Assault to be way too simplistic, and I can definitely somewhat agree. It has little to no depth compared to the squad-based tactics of Brothers in Arms, and the graphics were a complete eyesore compared to the eyecandy of Call of Duty 2 on the Xbox 360 at the time...

But I dunno, even if my squadmates were completely useless in European Assault? The gameplay itself, whether it was using a tommy gun or taken on Germans with a MP40, was just somehow so much more polished in feeling and fun factor than almost every other Medal of Honor game before it, that I was pretty much flabbergasted at the fact that the series had been abandoned by long time fans. Did they not enjoy the fact that the main character no longer moves like a tank or can now fire his automatic rifles with accuracy at the fucking goddam enemy? I for one loved the changes to the gameplay of the series, even if they still paled in comparison to the other WW2 fighters at the time...

I almost compare European Assault to Freedom Fighters. A lot of gamers simply scoffed at FF's piss poor graphics and simplistic duck and cover gameplay, but I for one fell in love with its so-called "repetitive" tactics, if only because they were implemented so damn effortlessly and well. The same goes for this new Medal of Honor game, as EA finally didn't give a shit about trying to impress us with their bullshot graphics or their goddam "realistic" add-ons, but rather concentrated on the fucking core gameplay that they used to know so well back in the SNES and Genesis days...

... and unfortunately for gamers like me, EA in their efforts to rediscover their fucking fun factor, were completely shunned by the industry that's come to loathe them for all the fucking years of shitty ass ports and derivative sequels...

Now I guess, I can't really blame gamers for never giving EA a second or third chance...

... but I can hate them if the next Medal of Honor game turns out to be fucking goddam shit, now can't I?...

There weren't many surprisingly good games released in 2006, but there were a few that I had in my backlog that I never played until this year. That includes Gun and Medal of Honor: European Assault, though I sort of anticipated those two types of titles to be decent in the end. I always seem to fall in love with horseback riding in games, and I always seem to enjoy having a disposable squad in first person shooters...

What I never saw coming though, was that for the first time in my goddam life? I actually found myself enjoying a goddam Tomb Raider game. WTF?...

My only real experience with the series was way back on my old Matrox m3d PowerVR card, as I used Tomb Raider as a tech demo to prove to all those fucking 3dfx evangelists at the time that PowerVR was the video card technology of the future (... yeah, that turned out well...). Since then, after I realized that the original Tomb Raider had little to no depth beyond the cup size of Lara fucking Croft? I found myself sadly enough enjoying the shitty ass Tomb Raider movies far more than I ever did the sequels of the original game itself. WTF?...

Anyhew, I picked up Tomb Raider: Legend for the Xbox 360 as a part of a deal. It was only $10, and yet still I was expecting to regret my decision...

But instead? For some odd reason, something just clicked with me in the latest incarnation (and sort of rebirth) of the series. Finally the game concentrated more on those Zelda-esque puzzles and exploration like the original did, as Lara Croft's bust factor was no longer the central premise of the fucking game. More to the point, I was actually tempted to give one of the best stories of the year award to Tomb Raider Legend, as the tale of King Arthur and the sword of Excalibur was actually thought out rather brilliantly in conjunction with the "death" of Lara's mother. It set up a sequel quite nicely as well, as for once, I've actually found myself waiting in anticipation for another fucking Tomb Raider game. WTF?...

Tomb Raider definitely had its flaws though. The combat system was trivial to me, and the game felt too short yet too repetitive at times as well. Never a good sign, but definitely still leaps and bounds better than anything that I used to know and hate from the goddam series before...

Not only that, but on the Xbox 360 at least (and on an SDTV, to be honest)? The game was gorgeous. Hell, if only Zelda: Twilight Princess looked this damn stunning in 480p (rather than just dithered to motherfucking hell...), I would be in goddam gaming heaven...

... and a thing for the goddam accident of a Tomb Raider game actually turning out to be good...

Most Disappointing Game - Gears of War (Xbox 360)
Runners-Up: 1 - Call of Duty 3 (Xbox 360), 2 - New Super Mario Bros. (Nintendo DS)

I suppose it's kind of odd, for me to claim that Gears of War was one of the few Xbox 360 games I actually did enjoy this year, for me to give the award of best multiplayer game of the year to the title, yet claim that Epic's newest third person shooter was also the biggest damn disappointment in 2006 as well...

I equate Gears of War to Halo 2, honestly. Both games wowed me with their graphics and their addictive gameplay at first, but neither title really had any real depth in the end to their shallow as hell gameplay. Gears of War still has the best damn graphics and textures I have ever witnessed outside of a CG motion flick, bar none, but none of that matters when the whole duck and cover routine just feels so damn derivative on the second playthrough. I've been spoiled by games like Brothers in Arms and Rainbow Six: Vegas from Ubisoft, where dynamic AI opponents actually change the gameplay in near unpredictable ways...

Even in hardcore mode (though I haven't tried insane difficulty), everything just feels so damn static in Gears of War, like a fucking goddam painting rather than a goddam interactive game, that it makes for a complete chore and a bore to ever go back to after experiencing just how shitty ass the last boss really was...

I know Halo 1 is truly the exception in first person shooters, but honestly? After playing through Gears of War the first time in co-op mode, and mistakenly believing it'd be just as good in single-player, I went back to Halo 1 for a while, grew to love and appreciate it's absolute depth of gameplay once more, and then returned to Gears of War, only to find that?...

... there was absolutely nothing there in the stages that didn't feel absolutely fucking identical to how it felt the first time through...

There is just no replay value. There is just nothing there for me to ever want to pop that game back into my Xbox 360 ever again, except to appreciate the graphics once more...

It was a fun experience that really did deliver the first time through, but nothing more...

Call of Duty 2 meanwhile, was the game that truly wowed people with its graphics last year, just like Gears of War did with gamers this year. Activision goddam thought that quite a quick tweaking of the enemy locations and the scenario locales would be enough to create the same kind of buzz in the Xbox 360 scene as they did in 2005. Problem was, they thought wrong...

There is absolutely nothing in Call of Duty 3 that is even remotely as interesting or new as it all felt in Call of Duty 2. The game is simply put, a quick port of last year's incarnation with the exact same enemies and scenarios, but with a slightly altered plotline and a less polished feeling with the weapons. I don't get why the fuck Activision was dumb enough to ever once again release a Call of Duty game that they didn't develop with the PC in mind, because every time they do, for some damn reason it turns out like sticky bomb shit...

If anything, couldn't they have at least added a co-op mode? Now that the graphics no longer had the wow factor they used to have, shouldn't they have concentrated on the gameplay? And no, having an online bug where shooting randomly into space in one map would somehow kill the friends on your contact list in completely separate maps, is not what I consider to be innovative, "4D" gameplay...

Where was Activision's own call of duty, to actually improve on the game that even I was so damn impressed with last year?...

Unfortunately, as much as it pains and grieves me to write this, the same goes for Nintendo with their New Super Mario Bros...

Now, it's hard for me to claim that this game felt rushed and derivative, especially since it has already broken almost all fucking records in Japan as a fucking four million game seller in the country. It's right up there with the first two Brain Trainings and Animal Crossing, as the touch age titles that are truly making the Nintendo DS into the biggest fucking technology success story since the iPod, or even the original fucking NES...

But I dunno, I just couldn't get into it. Several million sales in both North America and Europe combined would also like to disagree with me, but after playing through Super Mario World the other month and still loving it to death? The utter simplicity of the New Super Mario Bros. just somehow felt like a gigantic step backwards...

I miss being able to fly with a cape, and I miss all the crazy ass worlds that were introduced in Mario Bros 3 and 4. Yet here, we had a true return to form of the original Super Mario Bros. and the Lost Levels, neither of which I ever truly enjoyed even as a child before. I hate to say this about my precious Nintendo as a company, especially about one of their games that is really pushing the DS into mainstream enjoyment, but really?...

I had waited so damn long for a new sidescrolling Mario game, only to be stuck with one where the fucking useless blue shell was the only goddam power-up I ever really cared about...

I never finished this game. I never really thought about it after I quit. It was just that damn non-memorable. Since when did I never get a fucking Mario tune stuck in my head? Yet it never happened here, and I just can't place my finger on exactly why...

To me, the game just felt lifeless. Soulless even, completely unlike the joy I felt in Mario World, not just as a child but as the no-name nostalgic a decade after. Maybe it's the rose-coloured glasses talking or something, but aside from Twilight Princess? Nintendo just didn't offer me anything this year that really made me feel the magic of the company that I've loved for so damn long...

... all I do know, is that while I absolutely adored the success story of the New Super Mario Bros. overseas in Japan, bringing fun back to the masses of lapsed gamers from the NES days?...

The Nintendo DS and the DSLite were truly the success stories of the year. The system has been selling faster in Japan than any system since the original NES days, and that includes the original Playstation and PS2. It already has multiple four-fucking-million sellers (two Brain Trainings, New Mario Bros, and Animal Crossing), compared to just one for the fucking PS2 in that Sony system's entire Japanese lifetime. And the number of single million sellers or more in Japan for the DS system (the other Brain Trainings, Nintendogs, etc...) is just absolutely staggering, as is the fact that it's routinely outselling the Sony PSP in terms of hardware 5:1 (and even higher of a ratio when it comes to fucking software)...

... watching the Nintendo success story over there over the course of the year?... yeah, it's been fun...

The same has been happening for Nintendo all over the world. The Nintendo DS is quickly becoming the most popular Nintendo branded system in Europe of all time, breaking through the barriers in the UK for instance (formerly known as "Sony-land") with goddam relentless ease. In North America, the DS is outselling the PSP 2:1 on a regular basis, but what's even more remarkable is the fact that even the fucking original Game Boy Advance is still selling like hotcakes. Combine those sales with those of the DS, and it's ridiculous just how much North American parents prove time and time again that they love their handhelds for the kids...

Now sure, the Sony PS3 has done relatively well right out of the gates, reportedly selling 800K consoles since launch up until Christmas. But the Nintendo Wii has completely stolen its media thunder, having sold over 2 million consoles by now worldwide, and yet still being so much more in fucking demand that I still saw fucking line-ups for its shipments after Christmas was already said and done here in Canada. WTF?...

The Xbox 360 was doing horribly in sales for the vast majority of the year, but it seems around the holiday season and thanks to the price/shortage of the PS3, that more and more of those Sony fanbots are finally being converted to Microsoft's latest gaming system. Hell, I was one of the 2 million gamers who bought an Xbox 360 this holiday season, although obviously the free GRAW and Gears in War pack-in helped with that decision. And suffice to say, if only because of games like NBA 2K7 and Rainbow Six: Vegas, the purchase has been more or less worth it. I was obviously hoping for some sort of miracle in terms of gaming with the new generation of consoles, but for that, I had to turn back to the motherfucking Nintendo Gamecube one last time...

2006 was a great year in terms of video gaming news, at least. Every single fucking week, as a Nintendo fanboy at heart here, I literally laughed and cried and sang in praise of my childhood company, owning Japan like there's no tomorrow and slowly taking both North America and Europe back from their Sony oppressors. But the thing is, aside from The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess, even my precious company of Nintendo couldn't offer me the kind of great gaming experiences that I've grown to demand from the goddam industry. As much as I love my consoles and my graphics, it's the games that I sell my soul for. Twilight Princess was simply awe-inspiring, but one great game in an entire fucking year is just not enough, especially when we're talking about having four fucking consoles in my fucking household. WTF?...

2007 though, seems like it'll be the truly great year in gaming. Nintendo has already promised us Mario Galaxy, Metroid Prime 3, Super Smash Bros. Brawl, and hopefully a brand new Fire Emblem for the Nintendo Wii as well. For the Xbox 360, this is the year of the latest Brothers in Arms, Bioware's new RPG of Mass Effect, and of course Halo fucking 3. It's hard to say what Sony really has in store for the PS3, but rest assured, if enough great games do come out for that system? Even I'd be tempted to put aside my hate in favour of the dark side of the force...

Even the fucking Nintendo DS is finally getting those A-calibre type games that I as a console gamer simply can't ignore. Whether we're talking about The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass, the fucking Pokemon series here in North America, Phoenix Wright 2, or even the newly announced Dragon Quest series? There are just so many great games coming out for all systems in this coming year, that I honestly at this point in time just can't fucking wait...

The only question is, will 2007 truly be the year where I finally find my love for gaming once more? Or will I be disappointed yet again, as the jaded noname gamer that I have become?...

How many times in a row have I lost to fucking five year olds by now? My fucking God, I'm as bad at the game as Rodney fucking McKay...

And with my goddam cheat codes, how many primitive empires and kingdoms have I created and destroyed over the past few years in games like Civilization, Age of Empires, and, umm...

Because the power overwhelming of a feeling you get every time you take control of a nation like that? If only it were real, it would most definitely be... intoxicating...

And that's why I was excited for The Game. Because the premise of the episode itself was great, even if I had felt I had seen it all on Star Trek before...

Rodney and Colonel Sheppard find themselves an Ancient Civilization game and use their spare time to kick each other's asses. Now, since they assumed it was a game, it was only natural for them to build up arms against each other and then wage full out war. What good would a game be if you couldn't smite each other's foreign asses?...

But the problems with The Game as an episode, come after the two of them find out that the "game" they had been playing consisted of two real factions all along. The thing is, while I admit I did laugh at a lot of the jokes made throughout the episode about "cheating" and whatnot, did it not all seem just a tad bit childish, knowing that they were dealing with real lives and real civilizations here? I dunno...

Take the scenes between Major Lorne and Dr. Zelenka, for instance. While of course I snickered at the fact that the two prodigies of Sheppard and McKay were already sniping at each other after just five minutes of gameplay, the thing is, they both knew they were toying with the lives of real people, right? Sure, I know they couldn't resist the dark side of the force when it came to ruling an empire, but honestly, they were treating everyone's lives on those primitive planets entirely as a game when they damn well knew that it was all damn real. I can understand MWAHAHA villains acting this way, but two of our favourite characters after just five fucking minutes of gameplay? Sure, I laughed as Dr. Weir walked in on them both, but seriously, WTF?...

Dr. Weir herself was completely fucking useless. Sure, she stood there pretty for the camera, but whenever she opened her mouth, anyone could instantly realize just how empty her figurehead of a role really was. When you had Nola or Marie Warner or whatever the fuck her name was at the table, negotiating with Sheppard's man, all Dr. Weir did as mediator was sit there and look all pretty for the camera. While normally I wouldn't dispute such a wonderful titty action, it just felt wrong how the guest starts on the show were taking up all the fucking lines. I would love Elizabeth with her tight T-shirt to be a mannequin in my room, but I guess that's not what I was hoping for when we're stuck in a room where we're reduced to hearing shit from two warring factions that I just don't give a shit about...

Now sure, there were some genuinely interesting points made in The Game, especially about elevating another people's technology with our own. It's been explored before when earth gave Langara, the Genii and a few other nations some of our "advanced" technology, but here it becomes even more obvious the consequences of our actions, when McKay "cheated" enough to give his people telescopes, bicycles, flying dirigibles, and fucking explosive bombs. Then again, the episode also pointed out the idea that despite all the advances that McKay's people had made, Sheppard's nation still had the huge advantage in numbers and still had a good chance of beating their more enlightened foes. I'm sure there's a moral here about the Ancients and Wraith or some shit like that, but you know what was really the only good point I got from this episode?...

Now, don't get me wrong, I enjoyed The Game for what it was worth. The problem was, it really wasn't worth more than just an average episode of Stargate over the years. And I swear I've seen this all done before on Star Trek: The Next Generation, in almost any of those holodeck episodes done in the past...

... well, at least this episode was better than TNG's shitty ass "The Game" itself with Wesley Crusher and Ashley Judd...

... yes, that's Ashley fucking Judd, who was smokin' hot as hell to my pubescent self, but that's a story for another day...

Suffice to say, we got our own version of hotness from everyone's favourite Marie Warner here in Stargate Atlantis. Obviously, considering how devilishly cute the evil terrorist always has been, I approved of this casting move. The thing is though, her character just didn't have enough to work with here in The Game. She was better as the bubble headed blonde who adored the Oracle for all he was worth, but as soon as the truth was revealed to her? She became nothing more than a generic war monger, with no real depth to her (and that includes her tiny little bosoms...). I would've liked better and more creative writing between her and Sheppard's man, whatever the fuck his name was. Sadly enough, I just didn't care enough about what was going on in this episode to really take notes on names...

The two main guest stars weren't the only ones who were ignored. What the fuck did Teyla get to do? Look pretty on the Daedalus, pretend like the Puddle Jumper had somehow been taken out by lowly goddam dirigibles, and that's about it? And Ronan, what the fuck was his use? He completely looked out of place just standing there as Rodney's sidekick the whole time. Whatever happened to his badassness? A real man would've clubbed Marie Warner with his gun, taken her back to his secret lair, and then tortured the terrorist bitch with unspeakable sex for the next fucking year of her life. Where the fuck was my mamed and named and naked Marie Warner? At least they could've given her back her goddam 24 Alias wig for good blowjob measure. WTF?...

The heart and soul of the SGA show has always been Rodney and Sheppard, and I do agree that the two made for a great comedic duo this episode. But like I stated before with Lorne and Zelenka, their humour just seemed a tad bit misplaced. Considering the two of them were kind of directly responsible for two formerly peaceful nations going to full out war with one another (if only because of trade demands dealing with citrus fruits as gifts...), why were Rodney and John still bickering about who had cheated in their game and who would've won in the end? WTF?...

Now sure, at the end of the episode, you could easily see the brother-like comradeship between the both of them as Sheppard the MENSA math wiz was kicking Rodney's ass at chess. That scene I especially enjoyed, but their competitive rivalry really just seemed out of place and sorely overused when it came to the rest of the episode...

And you know what was the greatest flaw of The Game was an episode? It's not that the Ancients were playing god or something, interfering with the development of primitive cultures (which completely goes against everything they now claim to believe as ascended beings). It's just that...

WTF is wrong with Atlantis and their computers? Why they fuck are the graphics in their game so goddam shitty?...

What the fuck are they using for their video cards? Riva 128's, TNT2's, or my old fucking PowerVR PCX2? WTF?...

... and at least it was better than that shitty ass The Next Generation episode of the same damn name...

Now, if only the real game consisted of me, controlling two real nations full of hot fucking women, making the both of them get it on with each other, with Marie Warner and Ashley Judd being the central hub of the goddam lesbian orgy?...

[c. visitors too bored to return...]
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