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Friday, February 1st, 2008

Y2kk Update:           - IvanF's Noname Video Game Award Ceremony 2007 -

Well... better late than never, I think...

It may be a month late, but I finally have my video gaming awards ready for the year of 2007. The thing is, the delay hasn't been because of a lack of time, but sadly more from my complete lack of interest and effort in writing this noname update of mine. 2007 was meant to be one of the biggest years in the history of gaming, and it was for a lot of people out there, both entertainment and revenue wise. Games like Super Mario Galaxy, Guitar Hero 3, Call of Duty 4: Modern Combat, and Halo 3 absolutely sold shit-loads this holiday season...

Hell, even lesser known titles like Mass Effect for the Xbox 360, the Half Life 2 Orange Box, and Mario and Sonic at the Olympics (really? God...) managed to hold their own. Title wise, there was just so much supposed quality, with games like Bioshock and The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass following up the pack. The only real bombs in terms of sales this year came on the PS3 alone, where games like Ratchet and Clank and Uncharted ended up becoming relatively 'uncharted' on the goddam NPD listings...

Console sales wise, the Nintendo Wii was a beast all year long. Line-ups for the console were seen at every Wal-mart and Target and Best Buy in America, whether it was the month of March or the Christmas season of Black Friday. It wasn't just the US that went stir-Wii-crazy, as the Nintendo Wii has become nearly as much of a success in Japan as the Nintendo DS, and the Wii has also become the first ever Nintendo console (in a very long time) to win over Europe's heart for first place sales wise...

In December, according to the US NPD, the Wii sold about 1.3 million consoles which is pretty damn impressive, but somehow feels underachieving considering the demand for the system out there, and the fact that the DS sold around 2.5 million systems in the same damn month. The Xbox 360 also looked very impressive, selling 1.1 million consoles in that single month at a much higher price point than the Nintendo Wii was. The thing with the Xbox 360 though, was that year-on-year growth from last Christmas just wasn't that impressive, as one should've been able to assume that the benefit of having both Halo 3 and Call of Duty 4 on the same system that sold 900K last December, should've gotten a much bigger jump with all things considered this year...

Meanwhile, Sony is just lucky that dumbass parents out there are still buying the PS2 for their little kids thanks to its price point alone, considering the PSP seems to be selling only on media functions and piracy, and the PS3 pretty much remains as uncharted as its headline title. About 750K PS3's were sold in December, which isn't half bad, except that is about half of what the goddam Nintendo Wii sold in the same month alone. This was all after a huge marketing campaign spent and a huge price drop for the system. Now rumours are swirling that Sony is about to release a PS3 slim to counter the Wii this year, and the current mock-up's even look like a PS3 symbol slapped onto the side of a Wii. Right now, Sony is still staying afloat thanks to the sad fact that the PS2 never stops selling (1 million of those things sold in December, and the system is still not $99? WTF?), although I do admit, the fact that Blu-Ray has essentially won the HD-Movies war should help the PS3 in some respects this coming year...

The thing is, as interested as I still am in the business aspect (or "Sales-Age", if you know what I mean...) of the video gaming industry, I sadly have to admit that 2007 was one of the years where I had the least amount of time and interest in actually playing the damn games I kept researching about. Thanks to having a job that actually does pay my non-existent bills every month, my gaming collection has never been larger, especially after being one of those idiots who did pick up a PS2 on sale and then ended up collecting pretty much a hundred rare games for it over-fucking-night (not like I'd play any of them too, mind you). Having hordes of games at my disposal doesn't help me from not getting bored of all the titles that I was once so hyped for when the first screenshots and bullshots were released...

There were just so few games I finished this past year, for better or for worse. And that's why despite not writing a single video gaming review all year long, I thought it was only deserving to still have my IvanFian Video Gaming Awards for 2007...

... ahem...

Best Game of the Year - Super Mario Galaxy (Nintendo Wii)
Runners-up: 1 - Halo 3 (Xbox 360), 2 - Metroid Prime 3: Corruption (Nintendo Wii)

I think most open-minded gamers and gaming publications will gladly admit that Super Mario Galaxy was the best game released on any system this past year. There were plenty of other contenders, and I know a few out there who felt that Call of Duty 4: Modern Combat, Bioshock or even Mass Effect were the best games ever made in history or some shit like that. But none of those above titles can compare to the sheer amount of fun and innocent enjoyment you get from Super Mario Galaxy. Despite the horrible graphics at times thanks to the Wii's 480p dithered resolutions, it doesn't change the fact that words cannot explain the wide-eyed kind of bewilderment and imagination that was put into this kind of game...

Super Mario Galaxy is one of those pick up and play titles that you can't help smiling at. Is there really any other way to put it? Every time you shake your controller to spin into the stratosphere, or every time my little cousin comes over and picks up the second controller to be my guiding pointer, I smile a little bit more within. This truly is a game for all ages throughout the eons. Now certainly, Super Mario Galaxy does have its fair share of flaws, mainly still that despite the innovation of having tiny little planetoids with black-holes randomly situated by their sides, I did feel that certain parts of this game were retreads of Super Mario 64 and Super Mario Sunshine...

In fact, I'd still put the whole of the former above SMG, and some of the more challenging platform stages of the latter over Galaxy. But the fact remains, that while SM64 wowed me back in the day, Super Mario Galaxy is still the better overall game, and it's amazing how Nintendo and Miyamoto were able to make so many things in its universe feel so new and fresh. There's simply no denying that Super Mario Galaxy was a labour of love, whether you're floating around as a Boo or trying desperately to unlock Luigi. It's been said that if you don't fall in love with this game, you have no soul. And after hearing the classic Super Mario Bros music theme to the sound of anti-gravity, who am I to argue?...

...

Halo 3 was both a great game and a disappointing title in its own right. On the one hand, I thought the single player experience was completely lacking, pretty much as it was for Halo 2 as well. With the Elites no longer enemies, Bungie had their hands tied in how to make the Brutes into an interesting set of baddies. While I admit they did a decent job, some parts of the game left me scratching my head at just what the fuck were they thinking. Take the second stage for instance, where you encounter about ten fucking boring brutes when locked in a goddam steel cage of a room. The entire battle through, I just did my best to bait and draw and melee the fuck out of their brains. I used no real strategy besides that all game long, and I never saw the kind of brilliant AI I used to know back from Halo 1. I realize the first Halo is now outdated by today's standards, but I still saw more random behaviour and more human like actions from the Elites on my last playthrough than I ever did in Halo 3. Couldn't they have just copied and pasted the same goddam code already? WTF?...

Halo 3 though, while horribly disappointing as a short single player experience, really does shine in terms of multiplayer and co-op. Thank God Bungie came to their senses and gave us players the ability to respawn on legendary difficulty again, otherwise I never would've been challenged on Heroic. There were certainly frustrating parts of this game, namely the idiotic decision to give the Flood regenerating snipers with unlimited fucking ammo (WTF?), but it was certainly helped by the run and gun nature of having a friend or brother kicking ass and taking names by your side. Co-op mode has always been the main benefit of every Halo game, and if it wasn't improved here in Halo 3 over the previous titles, then this game really would've been nothing but a disappointment. Stages like Cortana were just brutal in how "Library"-esque their repetitive and backtracking nature truly was. With a friend though, bunting me in the side of the head just to get more fucking ammo, not only could I deal with it all, but I had a lot of fucking fun taking out those goddam Scarabs as well...

The graphics in Halo 3 were beautiful, to say the least. I still use it as my main benchmark for my Sharp Aquos 1080p, simply thanks to all its vibrant colours. And I did like quite a few additions to the game, namely the return of the Assault Rifle and the introduction of quite a few new vehicles. Halo 3 was definitely nothing ground-breaking, as almost everything in the game felt like a retread of previous titles. But still, I thank Bungie for trying to return back the original title's roots like they did. The melee and plasma grenade attacks that I loved so much in the first Halo but were neutered in the second, now had returned with a lot more game balance than they had before. And really, can I ever hate a game, no matter how disappointing, that has music as soothing and badass as Halo does? I can listen to it all fucking day, and sadly through YouTube VGL videos, I think I have...

...

There were many other titles that were technically runners-up for Best Game of the Year 2007. The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass, Fire Emblem: Radiant Dawn, and even lesser known DS titles like Hotel Dusk and Phoenix Wright: Trials and Tribulations all turned out to be great pieces of software that I enjoyed this past year. But out of all the games I've played, I just have to give the final nod to Nintendo's and Retro's Metroid Prime 3: Corruption. Out of all Metroid Prime games, it was disappointing at first for its lack of challenge and depth, but can I ever really stay mad at a game with controls that were this fucking amazing and out of this world?...

I know some gamers have claimed that Medal of Honor Heroes 2 did it all better, but since I haven't tried that title yet, I've got to give the nod for best FPS controls to Metroid Prime 3. At first, of course I wasn't used to the floating and whirling feeling of using the Wii pointer to aim and turn around at the same time. Over the course of an hour though, and finally after I got past that horrible, Halo-wannabe introduction to the game, I fell in love with the controls as if they were my own second nature. Is the Wiimote as precise as a laser mouse and keyboard on a PC? No, and probably never will be, but the difference is actually quite minimal once you get the hang of things. And most importantly, the Wiimote is just plain fucking fun. Whether I was sniping evil allies down with my charge beam or welding busted circuits back together with some fine-tuned plasma, the controls just fucking kicked ass and clicked with me in Metroid Prime 3 in a way that no mouse ever has, and in a way that no dual-analog first person shooter has ever accomplished save for maybe the first fucking Halo...

Besides that, Metroid Prime 3 epitomized both the best and the worst of the trilogy. On the one hand, I liked how the game was easy to get into for beginners, with very little forced back-tracking and some amazing graphics in Sky Town to boot. I loved the return of most of the gifts and gizmos of the past such as the screw-attack, and I thank Retro Studios from the bottom of my heart for finally including the double-jump right from the get-go. On the other hand though, Metroid Prime 3 felt a bit disappointing from a long time Metroid fan. While I feel fortunate it was not as frustratingly difficult or mind-numbing as Echoes was, I felt that Metroid Prime 3 was just a bit too linear and a bit too FPS-feeling compared to the First Person Adventure sense I got from the first Metroid Prime...

Still, this was all a minor complaint to me, considering MP3: Corruption was one of the few games I finished all the way through in 2007. I couldn't put it down for a second, and I still wouldn't mind giving it a second go-around one of these days. And the same goes for Super Mario Galaxy and Halo 3 as well, which is why they all are my favourites games of the past year...

Most Surprisingly Good Game - Hotel Dusk (Nintendo DS)
Runners-up: 1 - Earth Defense Force 2017 (Xbox 360), 2 - Ghost Squad (Nintendo Wii)

Every year, there are a few gems that I never see coming, and Hotel Dusk was definitely the brightest of them all for me. When I picked up that game, I thought I was just collecting a title that would turn out to be rare, much like Etrian Odyssey and Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney before it. What I got though, was a game I hated my first play-through, but somehow fell absolutely in love with the characters and the story-telling the second time through. What was it that compelled me to go through what was essentially an interactive novel twice? Was it just my old skool nostalgia for old point and click titles on the PC like Maniac Mansion and Day of the Tentacle that I played back in the day? Or was it simply because the writing was so superb (for a video game, not a top notch novel), enough so that I could hear distinct voices in my head for every single character in the game? Either way though, I've been hearing voices in my head telling me to live through the story yet a third time one of these days. But for now, I think I'll hold off for a sequel where the star attractive attraction is of actual legal age...

Now, I've gone cheap this year by not offering Best Story or Best Multiplayer Game awards, which Hotel Dusk and Earth Defense Force 2017 would have won respectively. But either way, I thought I'd give EDF 2017 its due respects and desserts, considering along with Halo 3, it was absolutely the game most played at every family gathering and party that I went to. Something just never gets boring about going through co-op mode, unlocking hundreds of boundless weapons against endless hordes of giant insects and towering robots. There's absolutely the kind of ID4 sort of feeling to EDF, and I still chant with the poor saps of virtual soldiers every time their yell out those very same initials. There's no explaining why Earth Defense Force 2017 turned out to be so addictive and so fucking fun for what entirely amounts to a budget, B-rated title from Japan. It's the same kind of love though that movie watchers have for Godzilla, and the same kind of bond I used to form as a gamer with old skool SNES shoot'em-ups. The allure of EDF is simply inexplicable, except by just picking up a controller and blowing buildings and shit up. What else can I say about this game? For twenty fucking bucks, every Xbox 360 owner should have a copy for a rainy day...

On the Nintendo Wii side of things though, if you've still got twenty bucks lying around, then find Ghost Squad for dirt cheap wherever you can find it. I used to be such a fan of light gun games back on the NES and Sega Dreamcast, as I still remember fondly Duck Hunt and House of the Dead and Confidential Mission. Ghost Squad may not use a light gun, but it certainly is "light fun" (ha?) when it comes to almost perfectly emulating the feel of a weapon using the Wiimote pointer. It's the most simple pick up and play game I have seen in years, as literally anyone from any age can pick up the Wii controller and have a blast in this four player party game. The only true downfall is that there are only three stages to go through, but each of those has enough replay value thanks to the sheer stupidity of the plotline or whatever, that I don't think anyone who actually tried this game got bored. Light gun games have been a dying breed for a long time, but with House of the Dead Collection coming up and I still need to pick up Umbrella Chronicles one of these days, I just hope this budget title of Ghost Squad turns out to the first of the return to what I very much consider the glory days of gaming...

Most Disappointing Game - Bioshock (Xbox 360)
Runners-up: 1 - Halo 3 (Xbox 360), 2 - Fire Emblem: Radiant Dawn (Nintendo Wii)

Bioshit. Is there really anything else I can call this game? It was hyped up to death by online fans and Xbox 360 fanatics, and it turned out to be nothing more than a repetitive, unfinished, completely unpolished mess. It started off with an interesting premise, of Big Daddy's and Blue Whales and masterful water graphics and physics galore. What I got though, felt like a poor man's clone of Doom fucking 3, which is sad in itself to say the least. None of the weapons in Bioshock felt decent to me, as the only truly effective weapon was the goddam wrench. I mean seriously, WTF is this, Half Life 1.5 then? I ran around out of boredom, smashing every nut in the head I could find with this crowbar thingy. And eventually, when a Big Daddy would kick my ass, I would just respawn with this unlimited ammo melee weapon and go harp on his already damaged ass some more. Bioshock was full of broken game mechanics, and the pathetically stupid last boss was just the final example of that...

Some gamers claimed that Bioshock had one of the most fulfilling, eye-opening plotlines they've ever experienced. To them I say, WTF? Even Smallville has more depth and morals and virtues. WHAT THE FUCK?...

Hate-This-Shit-Lo 3. Well, that's only partially true. Like I stated before in my Best Game of the Year section, Halo 3 was a fun but flawed experience in multiplayer. The thing is though, the title was nothing more than just goddam frustrating in single-player. Whether we were dealing with endless amounts of regenerating, Flood snipers or still dealing with all those goddam annoying Covenant snipers that pissed me to hell in Halo 2, there just wasn't much of anything actually entertaining in the single-gameplay itself. The reintroduction of the Assault Riffle was a nice touch, but outside of co-op, I almost always ran out of ammo for it right away on Heroic difficulty, so it was like the gun never returned for me in the first place. Fighting the Scarabs and everything was epicly neat, but thanks to some shitty ass checkpoint saves here and there, I can't believe how frustrating of an experience Halo 3 turned out to be. It was a world of improvement over Halo 2, but aside from some minor tweaks to turning speeds and combat physics, I would still take the original title over Halo 3 pretty much any day of the week. Strange how after the entire trilogy has played out, that this is how it would all turn out...

Fire Emblem: Radiant Shit. Well, that's not really true. I'm finishing up Fire Emblem: Radiant Dawn for the Nintendo Wii right about now, and it shows something that I'm almost finished a 10 to 12 hour game in this day and age. I do love my Fire Emblem formula, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit I'm already getting tired of the series after the Gamecube stellar title and the two FE's on the Game Boy Advance. Sure, I'm still highly anticipating the upcoming DS version, but that's partially because of how much more Fire Emblem-like that title will hopefully be. What's disappointing about Fire Emblem: Radiant Dawn, is that besides the poor plotline thanks to this being a direct sequel to Gamecube title, none of the characters really get time and development to shine. The chapters jump all over the place, and you never really feel like you can concentrate and build up your favourite characters like you could with Ike and co before. Not only that, but Nintendo simplified the support system, so much so that all the interactions between characters that fans loved on the GBA was nowhere to be seen here. I still love the Fire Emblem series with all my heart, but I just felt like Radiant Dawn was a mailed-in sequel to one of my favourite turn-based strategy games ever made...

Fire Emblem and Halo 3 are both great experiences to me in their own rights. I just can't help but be disappointed in both though, in the sense that neither lived up to my grand experiences from their prequels...

But Bioshock? Considering I never ever even played the System Shock series? WTF then is its excuse?...

...

2007 was supposedly a great year for gaming, but it just didn't feel that way for me. Like I stated before, I bought a ton of rare PS2 games (eg: the Growlanser series, the Shin Tensei Megami series, the shitty ass Ico games, etc...) and I've been catching up on some PC games as well (the only main Bioware title I'm now missing is Planescape Torment, for example). Hell, I've ever been rounding out my Gamecube collection with titles such as Ikaruga, Alien Hominid, Chibi-Robo, and I even finally picked up Beyond Good and Evil for the system like I should've done so fucking long ago...

But when it comes down to playing the actual games themselves? Aside from Super Mario Galaxy, Halo 3, Metroid Prime 3: Corruption, Fire Emblem: Radiant Dawn, Hotel Dusk and Phoenix Wright: Trials and Tribulations? Those were essentially the only games I've completed that I actually goddam enjoyed. Everything else felt like a chore, and everything else felt like the complete polar opposite of how a game should make a tired, old skool gamer feel. And yes, sadly and somehow, that also includes my beloved Zelda: Phantom Hourglass. Whether games have become too epic like Metal Gear Solid 4, or have simply because too neutered and watered down for the masses like most Wii shovelware turns out to be, I don't know why I feel so blunt and burnt out with gaming. Maybe I'm just geting too old for this shit, I really don't know...

I admit though, there are still a few titles from 2007 I have yet to pick up and explore. The Half Life 2 Orange Box, Mass Effect, Medal of Honor Heroes 2, and technically even Rock Band and Guitar Hero 3 (since I bought the latter for my brother-in-law, not myself). But with 2008 already shaping up to be interesting as hell, with Nintendo showing signs of their continued domination through Mario Kart Wii, WiiFit and especially Super Smash Bros Brawl, I don't know how much I'll get back into the so-called great gaming legends of 2007. I'm hoping for some great DS games on the horizon, as I've already picked up Advance Wars: Day of Ruin. But really, in all honesty, I've still had no interest to open up that title yet, and I can foresee that I will have the same feeling of apathy towards a lot of supposedly great titles coming this summer and fall...

Still, I love video games. Perhaps I love the memory of them more than I do the modern industry, but I still have a place in my heart for Nintendo and Sega and even goddam Microsoft, basically everyone but fucking Sony...

And it all sounds like so much goddam fun, now doesn't it?...

... well, that's what games were always meant to be...

... and hopefully, that's the way they'll forever stay...

Thursday, January 31st, 2008

Y2kk Update:           - Smallville: Persona small Smallville Week in Review (Spoilers...) -

The last time we saw this Bizarro Clark, he was the epitome of a perfect hero and man. WTF happened to him?...

Because now? Brainiac, I guess was right. Bizarro Clark fell to the same damn kryptonite as the real Kent, and it sure as hell wasn't blue...

And why? Well?...

... wait for it...

... ahem...

"My fucking God, does Lana Lang really make everyone around her into a whiny, incompetent ass? WTF do they see in her? WTF?"...

Bizarro Clark fell in love with Lana, that was just plain sad. What ever happened to the Phantom being some badass creature from hell? Instead, it turns out he has the same damn faults as Clark Kent does, as they both fell for the worst bitch on earth, and they both fell under the supreme intelligence of the Brain Interactive Construct or whatever sort of crap. I expected Bizarro to be some sort of supervillain, and yet he turned out to be nothing but a pussy of a patsy. Are we viewers supposed to become enraged and then feel pathos for Lana and Clark, after fucking Lang sucked the balls right off of Bizarro over the past two weeks? If anything, Bizarro Clark had it right, Lana was always meant for him. Problem is, she didn't suffer the same fucking fate with the blue kryptonite as her goddam lover did. Where's Romeo and Juliet: The New Adventures of Superman when you need them? If only that had happened, maybe it would've been a nice ending to a romantic comedy afterall?...

The best part of Persona was the return of Brainiac, who managed to outsmart both Clarks, not like that means very much. I did feel bad for the Kryptonian guy with a family on earth, but at the same time, his sacrifice made Brainiac feel more like a true villain in the series than anything else. I would love to have Milton Fine back on the show for the rest of its shortened season, but it doesn't look like that will be the case. He didn't fool me with his whole shape-shifting thing, but I must admit that compared to what the writers normally cook up on the series, Brainiac did impress me with his wits and cleverness. He was the best villain that the series has ever known, and it's a shame that we may never see him again before the potential end of the series. If only he could've sucked the metals and whatever negative intelligence Lana Lang had out of her concussion-ridden brain, then maybe we could've had that heart-swooning ending to the story afterall?...

Chloe was basically useless in this episode, about as much as Clark Kent normally is. But Allison Mack at least played her small role to perfection, showing true concern for her friends and being intelligent enough to notice when Clark was being competent and somehow goddam romantic. At least she knew something was off, which is more than I can say for that whore Lana Lang, who obviously was with Clark for his body rather than his goddam charming personality. If anything, Persona definitely did feel a lot like an old skool Smallville episode, although I admit it was done well enough to pass off as a fourth of fifth season show. The thing is, once again you had Chloe playing the hero through her smarts, hiding the Kryptonian beacon before Bizarro could suspect anything was wrong. Meanwhile, you had Lana Lang being a bitch and slutting it up, probably wishing that she hadn't gotten her new boy toy to blow his load all over blue Kryptonite chunks...

Meanwhile, we had the little B-side-story of human cloning with Julian and Lionel Luthor finally getting to know one another. It was obvious right from the get-go that Lex would not allow his new baby brother to survive another day. The thing is, as pathetic of an actor that was playing Gabriel Gray truly was, and no matter how cheesy of a plotline it was to have your own cloned brother, I actually enjoyed this half of the episode simply thanks to the acting of John Glover and Michael Rosenbaum. It's like a broken record over the years, how these two actors provide all of the greatest moments in the history of the show, and it still holds true to this day. Whether Lex was being emo as hell while dancing in the rain, or Lionel was laying it out to his son about Lex being the one he lost, I actually enjoyed the father and son brainy interaction between the both of them. Now, if only Lex had ordered a hit on his father and then cloned his own mother to fuck her as well, then we could've had a lovely Oedipal ending to this whole romantic threesome like an episode like this truly deserves...

Truth be told, I did enjoy Persona for what it was worth. Unfortunately, what dragged it down most was that Tom Welling just can't fake a proper personality for long periods of time on screen. Bizarro Clark actually acted like a mature human being in the last episode, but failed at everything but wooing the brain-dead Lana Lang here in this hour. Meanwhile, what was the point of Jor'El holding Clark hostage in the fortress for weeks at a time? And what the fuck was Chloe claiming, that the real Clark Kent has a memory like an elephant? An elephant with brain cancer, maybe, because what the fuck was she smoking? Tom Welling played the role of two clueless men from Mars in this episode, which was a severe disappointment over last week's treatment.  Now, if he can ever just dump Lana Lang and get it on with Chloe like every viewer wishes could happen, then maybe this show will have the fucking decent ending that we've all hoped it would have...

Because the age old story, of Clark Kent suffering from the Kryptonite known only as Lana Lang, has gotten real old over the past seven years. It's time to move on with the story, it's time to move on with the mythos, and it's definitely time for Clark Kent to move on from the goddam whore of a bitch...

Persona was a decent enough episode to watch, mainly from the return of Brainiac and the amazing son and father dynamic between Lex and Lionel. But with two bloody hell Clark Kents at the goddam helm, and no sightings of Kara to put my mind and other body parts at ease?...

And with the goddam ending consisting of even more melodramatic bullshit between Clark and Lana to the sound of emo music?...

... well, with only a few episodes leftover in this shortened season?...

... I'm just hoping for the best from Smallville...

Tuesday, January 29th, 2008

Y2kk Update:           - Stargate Atlantis: Harmony Review (Spoilers...) -

Well, this was a joke of an episode if I ever saw one...

... yet, I still found myself entertained...

The entire plot of Harmony almost felt like it was based on a bet. Somebody at the office probably came up with the idea for that ridiculous painting of McKay as the hero and Sheppard cowering behind Adria Jr, and then somebody bet him that he couldn't whip up a story that made actual sense for it. And, well, a paper-thin script later, here we have Harmony, casting the wannabe Kristen Kreuk as the 13-year old diva of a princess. And while the plot was cliche and predictable as hell, with really the only true saving grace being the ridiculous painting at the end, sadly I still found myself quite entertained...

There was no Ronon in this episode for whatever reason, there was no Colonel Carter (not like we see her anyhew), Teyla was off strutting off her legs while pregnant once more, and Dr. Keller thankfully was just a pretty memory and not an nauseating voice. Harmony was all about Colonel Sheppard and Rodney McKay, bonding together once more, this time with a snot-nosed, know-it-all brat in the mix to remind everyone just why Meredith should be king. There was really nothing note-worthy in Harmony, but the banter and quips between Sheppard and McKay have always been the true basis for every single success that SGA has had as a series, in my honest opinion at least. So it's no wonder that I still found myself enjoying Harmony for what it was worth...

We didn't learn much about Sheppard except that, as McKay quite frankly points out, it does seem that every alien woman falls for him, and his dating tastes in return are a lot less mature than a 13-year old girl. McKay got to experience what it's like to have a cocky, arrogant bitch around him 24/7, and Sheppard definitely did enjoy the reversal there of roles. Besides that, is there anything to say about Harmony? The whole plot of Genii mercenaries going after the princess was just a bothersome farce to give the writers an excuse at a) a true bottle episode filmed by probably high school students in the Vancouver forests, and b) a reason to show off that badass painting of McKay and his underlings at the fin of an end. Then again, like I said before, that painting alone was damn good justification enough for this episode to exist...

Scientific and mythos wise, there were both bad and good sides to Harmony. The thing is, Rodney's statement that this planet was a testing ground for the first Lantian drones was very odd, considering we've seen drones installed at the 30 million year old Antarctic outpost in SG-1. Then again, it is also true that drones have never been spotted anywhere else in the Milky Way Galaxy that we know of, so it is possible that they were retrofitted on the Ancient Earth outpost after the Lantians arrived back from the Pegasus Galaxy. Either way though, it was damn cool to see all those mini-drones buzzing around the Genii, swatting their regicidal asses down like flies. If the Ancients had perfected these things as infantry weapons (which I'm sure they didn't, considering the Asurans never used them), then I honestly cannot see how they lost the war with the Wraith. Then again, we've seen the almighty Aurora-class warships get shredded by even the pathetic weapons of the goddam Travelers, so the writers seem to love making the Ancients look like goddam wusses and idiots in the end...

What I did enjoy mythological wise from Harmony, was that it felt very much like a budget episode from season one in terms of using actual goddam mythology. This planet that Sheppard and Rodney were on, had created their entire monarchy and society based on Ancient technological ruins and the use of the Ancient gene. While the writers had flirted with this idea back in season two's Tower, I felt that Harmony was done a hell of a lot better and made a lot more sense. I loved SG-1 simply because of the huge contrast between young and advanced civilizations, and how technology can easily be perceived as magical. That feeling has been lost on SGA for quite a while now, but it was a nice touch for its return here in Harmony. Last week, I was pissed off as hell that Teyla was able to understand Rodney's computer programs and shit about ionic storms more than even Sheppard did. At least this week, the writers made sense in having Harmony refuse to believe that the gods and beast of the ruins were actually a goddam machine...

Of course, as badass as all the mini-drones were, the true star attraction of the episode was none other than the painting. And son of a goddam bitch, does this mean that Rodney now has his face immortalized on two separate fucking primitive planets? Lucky son of a bitch...

Well, at least I found my new screensaver. So has Meredith McKay, apparently...

And if Rodney has his way? So has Sheppard and everyone else on Atlantis...

... now that's true harmony for you...

Thursday, January 24th, 2008

Y2kk Update:           - Stargate Atlantis: Quarantine Review (Spoilers...) -

Forgive me for the late review, but my opinions on last week's episode have kind of been under quarantine...

I've been busy lately, and perhaps that affected how I felt about Quarantine on a whole. It was definitely a decent episode with a good enough premise, forcing characters to bond thanks to being locked in separate rooms with little to no chance of escape. Of course, it really made no logical sense why Atlantis would create interference fields to prevent even basic radios from communicating with one another, but hey, guess even Rodney McKay makes a few mistakes from time to time. The premise of the episode felt a bit forced, with the absurd notion that a simple ionic storm that has no effect on our own technology would make the so-called, uber-sophisticated computers of Atlantis go completely haywire. But like I said, Quarantine was a neat little bottle of a budget episode, and it certainly did its job in spades and pairs...

Well, out of all things, I really detested the forced Dr. Keller and Ronon pairing here. Now, I know that Ronon seems to have a thing for nurses (he's not the only one), and Dr. Keller is definitely the cutest of doctors. But really, I can't see how the two ever got together except of course by following their eyes (and lower eye, I suppose), as the both of them have zero chemistry as far as I could discern. Hell, with people potentially dying all around her, the adorable Keller's speech about somehow missing dances and shit like that when young (as if a girl who looks like her would ever be able to avoid men in any profession), was the most grating piece of inappropriate writing I've heard off of Smallville...

Now sure, there were a few light moments in their conversations, specifically the mention of the movie Jaws in relation to their failed oxygen tank experiment here, and seeing Jewel Staite close up on screen always puts a smile on my face. But for the most part I just rolled my eyes at every scene that Jennifer and Ronon were on screen together. Why the hell did the writers get rid of Dr. Carson Beckett again? Sure, his chemistry would have been even more forced with Ronon when push comes to shove, but at least it would've appeased some Stargate fans and 'slashers out there...

Rodney meanwhile was unfortunately put into a situation where he was useless, for better and for worse. On the one hand, it was good to see him panic like the good ol' days when he always thought he was helpless. With no computer at his disposal, he let his imagination and paranoia get the best of him, and went back to his old skool, germ-fearing ways. In a sense, we got to see a side of Rodney that we haven't seen in a long time, and it was a little strange to have such a reversion in his character, especially considering I really did miss his chemistry and banter with the rest of the cast and crew here in Quarantine...

On the other hand though, we got some much needed progress and revelation in terms of his relationship (and now lack thereof) with Katie Brown. I guess I know moreso now from first hand knowledge, that you'd think that if you really do care about a girl, you'd do your best not just to protect them but to also make them happy, through the best and the worst. Rodney tried to be thoughtful with the ever expensive, 1/8th of a carat of a diamond ring and all, but when push came to shove, he thought of himself far more than he ever was concerned with Katie. The two of them had to break up sometime, and while I would've preferred to see Rodney more in his usual comedic element, I thought that Quarantine did a good job of showing us more of his personal side that we used to know...

There isn't much to report about Colonel Carter being stuck in a transporter elevator with Zelenka, except that a) I still think the writers are wasting away Amanda Tapping's potential, and b) Radek sure as hell got a good, close look at the Colonel's bosoms. He also got an electric shock in return thanks to karma, but of course also later saved the day with what I can only assume were Die Hard references in the tiny ventilation shafts. Sure, it was nice to see both characters as Atlantis sometimes does get a bit dry with just the usual four and Dr. Keller filling up most of the episodes, but there just wasn't much chemistry between Carter and the Czech doctor. Short story short, they got stuck in an elevator, and they never even started to make out with one another as if the world (or this planet) was going to end. You'd think a self-destruct alarm would do it, but it seems Carter is saving herself for the now-single Dr. Rodney McKay elsewhere instead...

Finally, we got Teyla and Sheppard spending some quality time with one another, discussing how in the blue hell she actually blew up like a balloon over just one week's television time. For the most part, if any pairing in this episode felt the most right, it was between Sheppard and Teyla, as even John's talk with her over his cop friend back on earth felt like it had meaning and friendship behind it all. Being pregnant, Teyla obviously can't do nearly as much with the team on the show as she would have before. But the actress still can really affect things on the series, through her actions and her words, now even moreso than she could before by even the simplest of scenes. Here, I thought her strongest moment (since, well, last week actually...) came right after Spiderman Sheppard left to climb the control tower. She stepped outside herself, thought long and hard about whether to take the risk to do something similiar and head for help, but then stepped back inside out of fear of harming her child. Even without saying a single word, I thought Rachel as an actress had one of her most memorable scenes of the entire season so far...

Joe Flanigan however, was the real star of the show. The best parts of the episode all came from him, whether he was virtually swinging away at computerized golf, giving Major Lorne the stare for a complete lack of C4 preparedness, or eyeing whatever her name is that was hot as hell behind the Atlantis control room console. The one true laugh that I got out of this episode all came from Sheppard of course indirectly invoking Rodney, or actually his password at least. The look on Teyla's face when she was told the all-encompassing meaning of the number "42" was simply goddam classic, and really stands as a clear reason why I normally do love innocent little bottle episodes like Quarantine, if only I weren't so worried and hurried and busy around this time of my life...

Quarantine definitely did have its moments, namely Rodney and his ego coming into play, relativistically speaking of course...

But compared to earlier bottle episodes like Doppelganger? Yes, I admit, I was left a tad bit disappointed...

... enough so that I'm not sure if I will give this episode a second chance to shine...

... as it just may very well stay under quarantine...

Sunday, January 13th, 2008

Y2kk Update:           - Stargate Atlantis: Spoils of War Review (Spoilers...) -

Alright, I admit it. Stargate Atlantis at times does spoil the geek in me...

I was definitely impressed with the special effects and technobabble of Be All My Sins Remember'd last week, but I was left wanting more when it came to comedy and actual character development. While I would've much preferred for a true two-parter like The Lost City where the comic relief and banter was spread throughout the whole of two hours, I must admit that the writers did impress me with this week's episode of Spoils of War. I was afraid that SGA had forgotten all about the actual characters driving the show, but it seems my fears were far too premature...

Just all the little moments in this episode, from Ronon dragging Rodney's ass out of the locker room so Teyla and Sheppard could have some private time, to poor McKay getting picked first for the first time in his life when it came to the Wraith Queen's tummy ache, Spoils of War really did have a true return to that campy, team-oriented feel that Stargate Atlantis used to have back in its early glory days. While the complete absence of both the Daedalus and Apollo just one week removed from the Battle of Asuras definitely reeked of the writers trying to crawl themselves out from their ever Deus Ex Machina, I still enjoyed this episode for what it was worth. It was a great companion to Be All My Sins Remember'd, with a hell of a lot more humour to tip the scales of balance back in favour of the characters, which I always do prefer in the end...

Last week, Teyla was mostly ignored, possibly because the actress was definitely showing a bulge by that point. This week though, I was surprised that not only did the episode focus around her, but made her character feel a whole lot more human and vulnerable in the process. The scenes of trying to control the mind of the Wraith Queen were exceptionally well done, reminding me of the best of worlds when it came to the Born Queen in Star Trek. The eerie sensation of having that pale green-lighted Queen watching over your shoulder, trying to distract you long enough to turn your unborn child to the dark side of the force, was surprisingly well done for what seemed at first to be just yet another hokey-sounding telepathic soiree. Not only that, but the scene caught me completely off guard, as even I exclaimed "WTF?" when the Wraith Queen apparently didn't find McKay to be even a morsel-enough of a meal...

But definitely the strongest scenes throughout the entire episode belonged to Teyla as she was simply conversing with Sheppard and others about her new pregnant condition. While the moment with Major Lorne felt a bit too 'shipperish for my tastes (although it was understandable, considering we all suck up to first time pregnant women like that), what rang true the most for me this episode was her external struggle with Colonel Sheppard and her internal struggle to realize her own limitations. Last week, Sheppard came off as a complete ass for sounding so offended as soon as she explained her pregnancy. This week though, you really could see why John reacted the way he did, simply because he has so much concern for Teyla's feelings when it comes to her unborn child, the maternal instincts that even she did not know she had. If anything, while Ronon was just a whipped boy in contrast, it was like Sheppard was the one who knew more about Teyla and what she would try to do, even in her current state, more than anyone else. And he knew he had to stop her, no matter how cold it may have made him seem at the time...

This was probably Joe Flanigan's strongest performance since Doppelganger, even if he wasn't the star attraction this time around. His connection with Teyla was some of the best chemistry he's had with the actress in years, and he even got the chance to stand (or kneel) against a Wraith Queen to show off his ever-growing tolerance for anal mind probing. Meanwhile, you could really tell from every single facial expression that he had, that John really was in command of the team. He had that sort of aura of respect around him, regardless of whether he was tipping Major Lorne and co to give him some private time, or counseling Teyla one on one on the balcony steps. In fact, I'd even argue for the first time in ages, Sheppard did seem wise beyond his years. Back in the glory days of SG-1, Colonel O'Neil always had that same feeling to him, even though he shrouded it with self-deprecation and pretense stupidity most of the time. And, well, there are certain times when Joe Flanigan seems to epitomize that same kind of great leadership amongst the cast and crew...

Ronon as usual was a pussy-whipped ass, bending over backwards for Teyla like you would expect a big brother in love with his hot sister to. Well, at least he got to kick some ass and chew bubble gum as well, tearing the Wraith a new one with his patented Travelers gun. Besides that, I don't really remember what he did. He seemed agitated at times, does that count? Jason Mamoa doesn't really get the chance to shine in episodes such as this, but I'm sure he'll have an episode or two dedicated to his efforts somewhere down the road like he has had every half of a season...

Meanwhile, if there was any real reason to truly enjoy Spoils of War, it was Rodney McKay and his chemistry with "Todd" the Wraith. McKay alone is always great, whether he's absolutely clueless about when to make a discrete exit or whether he's reliving bad dodgeballs days in the high school gym. But if anything, David Hewlett can also make the most boring technobabble into the most interesting of scenes. Whenever he was talking with Todd about the history of the war with the Ancients, both actors just seem so genuinely interested in the discussion that you can't help but experience the same. And hell, who here wouldn't empathize with poor Rodney McKay when he was picked first as a full course meal? Rodney didn't provide nearly the level of comic relief as I had hoped he would in Be All My Sins Remember'd, but he sure as hell made up for his previous lack of presence back then in the here and now...

As for what we learned in this episode, obviously we now know that Wraith Hive Ships make great bunker busting bombs. Besides that though, we finally get a bit of much-needed backstory on how the Wraith managed to defeat the Ancients, by using the latter's overconfidence to steal power and technology to turn the tide of war. Sounds a lot like how earth managed to defeat the Goa'uld in the past to be honest, although I don't get how massive cloning facilities could really explain how the Wraith managed to build so many warships in so little time (unless the Ancients were too dumbass to guard their Stargates with force fields from ground troops, even during the middle of a war). If anything, Spoils of War was far from a perfect episode, but at least it certainly cast a far more realistic light on how the Wraith did manage to defeat the Ancients in the past. Now, how the hell a Wraith Hive ship could ever possibly take on a Replicator-enhanced Aurora-class warship, we will never know. But at least, the CG sight of a Wraith Hive Ship dive-bombing a planet's surface, helped me forget about that little former detail from last week's episode for just one day...

Now sure, Spoils of War had its share of flaws. It just didn't feel epic enough when compared to last week's episode, and I wish Rodney and Ronon had more chances to shine. But at the same time, the episode really did manage to steal the spotlight with a great opening intro, followed by a superbly directed, claustrophobic sort of atmosphere. Plus, Teyla had perhaps her best character performance in years on the show...

If only the entire season had this kind of quality, season four would be right up there amongst the very best of Stargate...

And with Todd the Wraith still out there, as the villain that Michael should have been? Well, then maybe there still is a chance for a great second half to Stargate Atlantis season four...

... as I really did feel spoiled by these past two episodes...

Sunday, January 6th, 2008

Y2kk Update:           - Stargate Atlantis: Be All My Sins Remember'd Review (Spoilers...) -

What did I say in my last SGA review? That Atlantis sure as hell ain't Shakespeare?...

... maybe not, and Be All My Sins Remember'd proved that beyond a shadow of a doubt with its shitty ass writing...

... but still, it doesn't change the fact that this episode was a hell of a lot of fun to watch...

The problem with this episode was that it tried to be truly epic, it tried to inspire the best of Stargate. And while the CG battle over Asuras was definitely the largest scaled battle that the computer effect guys and director have ever tackled head on, I'm not even sure if it's the greatest space battle we've seen on Stargate Atlantis alone. The Siege (Part 3) will always be note-worthy simply because of the novelty effect of having the Daedalus come to the rescue for the first time, and No Man's Land will forever stand out simply because of the ingenious strategies and tactics employed against the Wraith. Even comparing to SG-1, I'm not sure if Be All My Sins Remember'd will leave a longer lasting impression on me than Camelot did when the Ori motherships first arrived in our galaxy and decimated our combined massive fleets...

And if anything, the attempt at sheer Star Wars epicness of this week's episode of Atlantis feels a lot like the Lucas prequel trilogy when compared to the original beauty of SG-1's The Lost City. The Lost City didn't just have special effects and epic Gladiator music, but rather deep character development, a sense of discovery and true magical mythology, and of course the best of Jack and Daniel banter and comedy. In the end, that was the greatest flaw of Be All My Sins Remember'd, that it simply did not have the personality or "strange" charm that a true classic like The Lost City had. I barely remember a single time that I laughed in this week's episode of Atlantis. Five years from now, will Be All My Sins even be remembered?...

Character wise, it was definitely a weak episode. The only crew member who got any development at all was Teyla when she revealed her pregnancy to Sheppard and Ronon. If anything, besides the marketed contrast in the latter two guys' reactions, the only real development from that scene was that Teyla would be missing and vacant from the series from that moment on. Meanwhile, I couldn't help but side with Sheppard in this situation. He wasn't acting jealous really, but rather concerned, and was hurt perhaps that Teyla didn't trust him enough to talk about this situation months ago. Meanwhile, Ronon was a pure pussy-whipped asshole, holding her hand in a purely platonic way as if he was a big brother, when I for one would've been a jealous, giant ass and sought out the father to go beat his ass...

Sheppard got to ask Larin of the Travelers for her phone number, and got to show off the fancy Daedalus class suped-up ships in contrast to his puny little Puddle Jumper. Besides that though, and besides bitching out at Teyla like I probably would've done, what did he accomplish but completely embarrass a Replicator Aurora-class warship with a volley of drones of his own? Meanwhile, Colonel Carter got to show she was in charge by sticking up for her people to Colonel Ellis and sharing little Cold War anecdotes with Caldwell. It was nice to get a bit of the old Carter back when it came to science, especially when she beamed in delight at McKay's little statement that "we are geniuses". I've missed that old Carter from before, but even in Be All My Sins Remember'd, there's only 42 minutes of time to show that smile. I've got a bad Ronon feeling that it'll all be gone again by next episode's time...

Besides that though, Be All My Sins Remember'd was heavy on the plotline and not so deep when it came to Shakespearean writing. McKay for instance, had a few good moments with Zelenka and Fran. In fact, I'd argue that Rodney and Fran were the best parts of the episode, as there was a certain charm and sexy goodness to creating a Friendly Replicator Android to do your bidding. If anything, the creation of a "bomb" that is self-aware was the one strong point this episode had in writing. Rodney started noticing it too near the end, that it hurts our morals to send a sentient being to its suicide. The question is though, sentience or not, does the sexy femme bot have rights? We programmed into her the desire to sacrifice her life to end the Replicators, and she was happy as a result to accomplish her task. Was any of this right then, as Rodney was perhaps originally correct, we don't feel sorry for our own bullets or smart bombs. It's just that, I can't help but sympathize with her situation a bit, naturally since Fran was HAWT...

"Hello!"

Hell yes, I'd say hello to that cutie right back any day of the week and stick to her like glue like all those Replicators did. She just looked so damn happy and adorable to be sacrificing herself for the purpose she was created, and she did it all while looking hot with those innocent eyes and hair of hers. How the fuck could I not fall in love? If anything, it might have worked in a Pygmalion sort of sense, if Rodney and the audience had kept getting to know this "bomb" over the course of several episodes, if not a season long arc. I sure as hell wouldn't have complained, considering how much of a brunette bombshell she really was to the eyes...

If anything, that was my greatest fault with Be All My Sins Remember'd. We had huge plot points, like the Wraith sending seven ships to ally with the Daedalus and Apollo, and the Travelers promising another five or so ships of their own to help combat the Replicators over Asuras. What we had here, was a war of epic scale proportions, all dumbed down to fit within 42 minutes of screen time. Seriously, wasupwidat? This is the kind of great plotline that should have been slowly built up over the latter half of the season. I know it gets old and probably expensively high budget, to keep having scenes of the Wraith and humanity working together, with Larin constantly kicking Sheppard in the balls on her own Aurora warship. But seriously, aside from some cool CG screen-shots of a Puddle Jumper landing in a Wraith Hive Ship and of the allied fleets all jumping into hyperspace in unison, I never got that warm fuzzy feeling I get from an epic-scaled episode such as this. I really wish the writers had gone full out and extended everything, including the birth and death of Fran, into a true season-long war arc...

Still, while I can complain about the writing all I want, it doesn't change the fact that this episode completely 'pwned' my ass in terms of excitement and visuals, all thanks to the new Asgard 'pwning' plasma weapons onboard the Daedalus and Apollo. It wasn't even a ten second contest, having the two of them gang up on a single Aurora-class warship, what was supposedly the mainstay of the Ancient fleet back during the Wraith wars. Seeing the Daedalus-class ships absolutely kick ass during the final battle while barely receiving a scratch but for buckling shields, I wouldn't be surprised if the upgraded Odyssey or whatever could take on three or four fully-armed Aurora-class warships at once. To be honest, I never thought the writers would give humanity this sort of power, as now we have beaming transporter technology, the most advanced hyperdrives left in existence, the best maneuverability of any capital ship, shields that can take a whacking from two or three Ori motherships at once, and now weapons that goddam cut through Ancient shields as if they weren't even there. While I lament the fact the writers have written themselves into a Deus Ex Machina corner of invincibility here (hell, could Atlantis with 3 ZPM's even stand up to a small fleet of our ships?), it doesn't change the fact that I'm ranting about this tech crap while salivating at the same damn time...

The battle above Asuras was beautiful, reminding me of the only good CG sequences from Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith. I don't get how the Replicators faired so damn badly though, losing four or five or their most powerful warships while taking out only one Hive Ship and one puny Traveler ship in the process, especially considering how powerful we've seen Ancient drones previously made out to be (hell, Sheppard proved it again here by tearing an Aurora in half with a single shot). But besides completely embarrassing the Replicators (and hence Ancient technology) by showing an Aurora to be barely a match for a single Wraith Hive Ship, I still can't get over how beautiful this battle was to watch if you just sat back and enjoyed the ride. Now, I have no idea how a fleet of F-302's with missiles could penetrate or even weaken an Ancient ship shield like they did, but the glorious explosions that happened afterwards were worth the price of admission alone...

If anything, what I'm worried about now is, where the fuck do the writers go from here? Not just in terms of technology, where thanks to the Asgard at the end of SG-1, humanity now has the fastest and most deadly ships in the known fucking universe, but also in terms of the season long war arc. We got a brief glimpse of Dr. Weir in Replicator form (most likely) at the end as a teaser, but I know the actress won't be back until next season at the earliest, so what will the writers do now to keep us in suspense? The first half of season four was flawed but interesting thanks to the constant fear and backdrop of the uber-powerful Replicators wrecking havoc on the entire Pegasus Galaxy. But just like with the Goa'uld, the old-spider Replicators and with the goddam Ori as well, the writers have done it again here and had humanity completely obliterate what was supposed to be an all-powerful enemy in just 42 fucking minutes. What the fuck are the writers going to do now? Do we really expect viewers to once again perceive the Wraith as a threat, especially when it would take an entire fleet of Hives to stand a chance against a single Daedalus-class battlecruiser now? WTF?...

Ha, if anything, I almost feel bad for the Ancients. They've been made out to be so damn fucking stupid in all their war time decisions in the past, and even made a return last season only to be wiped out in ten seconds flat by their goddam overconfidence. Now, we've proven that human-engineered Asgard technology is powerful enough to cut through Ancient ships and shields like butter, while our own defenses can easily counter the uber-drones from The Lost City as if they were nothing. If we were the ones fighting the war against the Wraith 10000 years ago, our superior tactics would've easily been a match for the numbers of the Wraith. Atlantis (and to some extent, the final years of SG-1) have made a total mockery of the race that was supposedly so intelligent that they ascended to a higher plain of existence. If the behaviour of the Replicators, who emulate the Ancients as best they can, are any indication of what it takes to ascend? Then fuck me, whining and ranting and complaining on my download site should be enough to take it to Adria and fuck her sideways one of these days. Oh, if only...

Anyhew, I've gotten a bit off track here I guess, and it takes a fun, techie episode like this to get my tangents truly going. Still, considering the title reads as Be All My Sins Remember'd, I must admit that I was hoping for so much more from this episode than just a large, CG fire-fight in space. I was impressed with Fran and the cool idea of having an uber-Gozilla, Cloverfield of a Replicator blob en masse, but nifty plot points and Asgard beam weapons are just not enough to keep me coming back for more...

To make a truly epic episode, the truth of it is that the best of Stargate needs both hope and heart. It needs comedy and banter and all that shit that truly made classics like The Fifth Race and The Lost City into some of the best television experiences I've ever seen. Despite the Shakespearean title, Be All Sins Remember'd will not be remembered in the same kind of light as those two grand titles still are...

Doesn't mean I didn't have a hell of a lot of fun watching this episode though. Hell fucking yes...

... especially if Fran could be just a bit more friendly...

... ahem... well, you know...

Monday, December 24th, 2007

Y2kk Update:           - Smallville: Gemini small Smallville Week in Review (Spoilers...) -

Okay, I admit, a bit of a late review, but can you really blame me?...

I mean, not only did this episode come out of nowhere during the holidays, but it completely caught me off guard too...

And why?... well?...

... wait for it...

...  ahem...

"Clark Kent was charming, confident, caring, and most of all, competent? WTF? That's just not right. That's just plain bizarre..."

I don't get how the fuck Bizarro is back into the Smallville mix, or why the hell he would stick his neck out to save worthless friends of the real Clark Kent like Chloe. All I do know, is that Bizarro sure is a smooth, charismatic player when it comes to the ladies. Not only did he have Chloe eating out of the palm of his hand when it came to aiding in the search for Milton Fine, but he also actually made his romance with Lana Lang into something goddam bearable for once. How the fuck Bizarro survived the season premiere or why Jor'el would lock his son up in Stargate frozen pod stasis, I have no clue, and I don't really care. All I wish for Christmas now, is that from this moment on, we have this bizarro Clark Kent large and competently in charge instead of that lumbering fool of an emo idiot that we normally get. WTF?...

So let me get this straight, apparently Tom Welling does have the acting chops to seem adult-like, intellectual and almost human-like when he's finally given a role that's written half damn well? Who would've thought, right? But if anything was more surprising, it was that I could tolerate his relationship with Kristen Kreuk this episode, and it didn't even have to rely on her god-awful Chun-Li, thunder-thigh skills at witchcraft and martial arts to pull that off. For some odd reason, the two actors in this episode actually did look at each other with some real love and concern in their eyes, and they actually did hold and console one another as if they actually meant something to each other. Why on earth the writers and Tom Welling would only accomplish this when it's fucking Bizarro in the mix and not the usual Clark Kent, I have no clue. All I do know, is that somehow the two of them, Lana and Clark, actually did look like a sweet couple for once. WTF?...

Meanwhile, Chloe finally got some extra screen time, but unfortunately it was at the mercy of that god-awful Jimmy the Bimmy running about. Or actually, the both of them were stuck in an elevator together with no way out but to scream to the heavens for help, which sadly enough worked. It was a Christmas episode, so I can understand why the striking writers would try to get these two characters to kiss and make up and move on with their proverbial lives for whatever's left for the abbreviated season. And from that viewpoint, it wasn't so bad, seeing the two of them act so awkwardly and then pull out the total cheese factor when it came to their lip-lock. Once again, Allison Mack proved to be a good actress who pulled off a decent performance in her little Die Hard of a situation. I wish she had more important things to do in the season than to just be Jimmy's arm candy the whole way through, but hopefully the writers will have something planned for her character next season or some shit like that. At least the reveal of her meteor freak status was somewhat touching, literally at least...

My memory's gone a little hazy since going on vacation, so I don't recall if Lionel Luthor was anywhere in this episode. His son was though, both of them, or at least a carbon clone of one of them was. I thought the writers have jumped the shark in Blue, when they revealed that Julian had somehow survived being strangled and left for dead by his mother, thus ruining whatever motivation Lex Luthor would have had to turn evil in the first place. Now, while I still don't enjoy how the writers keep pulling random shit out of their asses, at least I can appreciate that they didn't completely ruin Smallville continuity, as it turns out this Julian was simply a manufactured clone of the original child. Of course, it took half a season of horrible acting from Gabriel Grey, not to mention Tomin taking a retirement break from conquering worlds in Stargate SG-1, to forcibly figure this shit out. But whatever, guess you've got to take the good shit with the bad...

Erica Durance as Lois Lane still hasn't shown one iota of good journalistic skills in the series, but at least this episode continued continuity in just how ballsy and dumbass her character really can be. She was trying to protect Chloe, sure, but she sure could've warned her in a lot of different ways, even if she was being watched by the Ori up above. Her one decent scene came at the expense of her boyfriend, when she actually was willing to point the gun at him in order to save her cousin. At least the writers have some family values for their Christmas time special, although naturally Lois Lane suffered cliche concussion number nine in response to her bravado and stupidity. Good gift for her, I guess...

And as for Lex Luthor? Michael Rosenbaum, if he does not return for the still-in-question eighth season of the show, will quite surely and sorely be missed. He's been a "good guy" for how many episodes now, yet here in Gemini, you could just tell that he can't resist falling back to the dark side of the force, despite his best intentions. As far as he was concerned, cloning a brother was a minor offence that didn't harm anyone, almost like music piracy is for most people. But when it came down to the thick of it all, he played God by not just creating human life but also taking it away, killing off Tomin and doing the SG-1 team a huge service in the process. Lex can't help but treat people as Christmas toys, even if technically his new brother Julian was never real in the first place. While this whole cloning plotline literally came out of nowhere and I can normally never stand the writers for doing this kind of randomized shit, I will still give my props to Michael Rosenbaum, for always saving the showrunners' asses straight from the goddam recycle bin of fire...

Gemini in that sense, was like a two-faced episode in terms of quality. On the one hand, nothing made sense when it came to Bizarro still existing or how the fuck Luthor suddenly learned how to clone a brother into existence. And hell, it certainly hurt as hell that we got no sights or moaning sounds of Kara Kent in a tight ass T-shirt all over again. Where's our fucking Christmas gift there?...

But on the other hand, no actor dragged the series down, as even Tom Welling and Kristen Kreuk made a decent impact on the small screen together. Maybe I've just been overly sappy from the holiday season and from what's been happening in my own private life, but really, it's been just downright strange how I've actually felt myself swoon at their goddam relationship this season, for whatever goddam reason...

I know, this has been a bit of a late review. But can you really blame me, when this episode caught me so off guard?...

I mean, I actually liked a goddam Smallville Christmas episode? WTF?...

... how fucking bizarre...

[c. visitors too bored to return...]
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