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Wednesday, July 31st, 2002

Y2kk Update: No, I didn't catch a movie this week. I'm waiting to watch Goldmember with my sister and brother, and hopefully my sister will come back from her new home tomorrow or some crap like that. In the meantime, I've kept rather busy, despite being too lazy to even write one goddam DVD movie review... My friend called last night and reminded me about the asteroid that will hit in May 2015 or whatever, so I decided to look up some Nostradameus astronomy crap through my dial-up internet this morning. And what did I find instead? Utter, deceitful, disrespectful crap about Planet X, an inspiring planet I often dreamed of as an aspiring child, until the day I finally learned it was called both Nibiru and Marduk (which baffled me as an incompetent astronomer since when did planets have Sumerian or Babylonian names?).

A few weeks back or something, my friend convincingly told me that he believes scientists will one day find a particle smaller than that of the atom. And, um... I sort of feel guilty for this now, but I kinda of shot him down. I let my arrogance sort of rip through his sides as I awkwardly exaggerated that they've already found a couple dozen subatomic particles. You know, the kind like electrons, quarks, gluon, leptons, borons, neutrinos, higgs particles, dark matter, mirror matter, quantum ether, blah blah blah, and that sort of crap I just arrogantly ranted off... Anyhew, my friend was taken aback for a mere moment, but it was enough to remind me of how I felt everytime one of my infallible theories was proven to be old school, obsolete and overdone. I used to think I was the only one who knew what Planet X was, until I finally got hold of the internet and learned that there were millions of idiots out there, just like me. And somehow, they had all found their way to the intenet... just like me... and, well...

I got scared. I remember hearing that Planet X would ram into the earth inthe  May of 1996. I even read that Nostradameus predicted this so long ago that he just had to be right... I guess my logic hadn't been screwed on properly yet at the time, because I prayed to God that he would please, please, pretty please spare me and my family... Flashforward to today, and I had forgotten all about Nibiru or the Phoenix Star or the Red Dragon or whatever kind of alternate name crap. But if you've just got to know, here's the current conspiratist theory about it all... Back in 1982 or 1983, NASA released a headline that stated they found a Red Dward Star in orbit outside our solar system. They called it the tenth "planet" in the solar system, and claimed that it was probably what caused the irregularities in Neptune's and Pluto's orbits. However, they soon retracted their statements about Planet X, and to this day, conspiratists all around the world continue to believe in some sort of massive, government cover-up to the end of the world. The articles I just read claimed that the only way Neptune's irregular orbit can be explained is with a tenth planet outside of our solar system, and although I believe that to be half true, the article failed to admit that the Kuiper Comet Belt outside of Pluto possibly provides all the gravity needed to predict Neptune's and the Pioneer probe's altered and seemingly random trajectories.

Now, here's how the story goes: every 3600 years, the Red Brown Dwarf known as Nibiru or Shiva or whatever comes close to earth and stops our planet from rotating for three whole days (you gotta love the number three when it comes to Armaggeddon). Naturally, this Red Dwarf will come along in our lifetime - in May 2003, to be precise... And of course, the conspiratists have linked this theory to other conspiratist theories, just as expected... Now, I may believe in Atlantis, but combining it with the Red Dwarf theory is ridiculous. The internet sites I read this morning claimed that Atlantis was sunk by the Red Dwarf, which they aptly named Zeus. Of course, the Dwarf hailed from the position of Orion, which has always been the most special and spectacular of constellations for alien conspiratists for no apparent reason... To escape Zeus, the Atlantis people with their superior technology hollowed out the earth and continue to live to this day inside the earth's molten core, where their cold fusion generator provides all the "unexplainable", crystal-guru energy found on the surface of the earth. Anyhew, since Atlantis was sunk and the rest of the world experienced Noah's Great Flood because of it, naturally no evidence exists any longer of any of this happening... Now, what I don't get is how this internet resource could claim the star comes back every 3600 years (and he had no evidence to back this up), when the Great Flood took place God knows when and Atlantis supposedly sank in 9000 BC (and I don't think that's a multiple of 3600 years from now), not to mention Atlantis believers also believed Atlantis was crushed in 25000 BC and 50000 BC, which is not a 3600 year interval I'd like to point out, but I digress... But then again, it's kind of silly to fight conspiracy theories with more conspiracies, but I should shut up right about now...

The internet site also claimed that we had already begun to experience the effects of the Red Dwarf star. Weather has and will become unpredictable and unmanagable in the seven years before the earth is hit, the evangelist-like writer claimed. And although I'll admit weather patterns do seem to become more "unstable" each year, I'll also point out that every time a drought hit the prairies in the 1800s, some freak would take control and claim the end of the world was upon us... In 1989, I read that people claimed global warming was just a cover up for the end of the world in 1996, and as we all know, nothing seemed to happen after those seven years were up. Because let's face it, as human beings with piss poor memories, we just assume weather gets worse each year. Hell, we just let to assume everything in our lives gets worse and worse each and every year, and those conspiratist freaks like to prey on that. So let's see what their other "evidence" was...

First of all, NASA may have covered up their Nibiru discovery, but certain Russians (who will do anything these days for money) have supposedly not. Although the star is approaching fast, only space telescopes can see it, while regular astronomers with afforable telescopes who might try to prove/disprove the Red Dwarf's existence of course do not have the ability to find this supposedly massive object... And more proof is that although the Y2k bug may have amounted to nothing, prior predictions that machines will turn on us will still be true when the magnetism from the star will naturally fry all electronics on earth. And if the recent "evil" weather isn't proof enough, then the corruption in modern society is therefore evidence that God will soon punish us for our disobedience. Of course, that's also what people said during the Cold War, during the McCarthy days, during World War 2, during the Great Depression, during the Copernicus days, during the invasion of Rome, and blah blah blah blah, the list goes on... And the most conclusive proof? Naturally, it's that NASA made Hubble only to keep an eye on this Brown Dwarf, and that they made the International Space Station only as a place to seek refuse from the upcoming havoc on the earth. And this havoc will hit on May 2003, which suspiciously resembles May 2000, the month that the alignment of Jupiter and Saturn was supposed to alter our earth's axis... or May 1996, when Nibiru was supposed to hit. Or May 1999, the day Nostradameus supposedly predicted aliens would take over the television and the world... or May 2015, when an asteroid is supposed to hit. Or May 2019, the time when another asteroid is supposed to wipe out all life... or was that a nuclear war? I've already forget... And let's not forget the asteroids of May 2036 and May 2039, and God knows how many more hell-bent May after that. I mean, hell, what's with these conspiratists and the bloody month of May? Do they honestly believe Hayfever or some crap like that will make more people believe them, and cause more mass panic when push comes to shove?...

And oh, the very best evidence that this internet site had to offer? It was that other sites such as my own (which nobody ever reads), will make the Planet X theory seem more outlandish and more ridiculous than it really is, and why? Because the Men in Black have paid me off, to discredit the people trying to save the world from the evil Illuminati threat. And, well... with infallible evidence like that, who the hell can argue?

I guess after reading this kind of crap, it's kind of easy to imagine how conspiratists were supposedly offended by Stargate's The Point of No Return episode, with Martin Lloyd claiming everyone knows the Lunar Landing cover-up was just a diversion from the real cover-up... I mean, hell, if the Nibiru guy actually wanted to seem credible, he should have claimed the US government has a Stargate to transport the world's best scientists off to the Alpha Site before Anubis hits us with another asteroid, but I digress... Anyhew, about this week's Stargate episode, Shadow Play... It was a rather decent episode with great acting, especially on Richard Anderson's part with his solemn brooding and Tollan-like, no-technology-for-you attitude. Jonas played a fair role as well, and I absolutely loved the last scene with him telling his schizophrenic professor that together they saved their world... And although I did enjoy the twist in the episode, with the naquaadria resistance being all a delusion, I just couldn't help but be a bit disappointed. I mean, I'm sure that as the psychological freak that I am, I would've loved this episode had it aired a year or two before. But honestly, Shadow Play was almost an exact shadow of the entire A Beautiful Mind plotline! I wish I didn't watch that movie so I wouldn't consider this episode a retard of a retrend, but the parallels are simply uncanny. Dean Stockwell played a brilliant scientist who contracted schizophrenia, and imagined a military-like hallucination in a cold war kind of world. And if I could just block out A Beautiful Mind, I would probably say this episode was the best episode of the year, despite the lack of action (although fake Intar with with of those Intar, stun pistols was kinda cool). But since I watched Russell Crowe go insane just a mere, few weeks back, I just can't give Shadow Play kudos, even if it seems to cater to everything I want in an episode. To put it simply, I loved A Beautiful Mind, and I'll try to love Shadow Play, but it probably won't work. Not until the Red Dwarf, Nibiru, comes after 3600 years just to mutilate cows and produce pointless crop circles for no apparent reason, but that's enough infallible proof for one day, I suppose...

And no, I'm not being paid off, but I guess that's what every person being paid off or under mind control would like to say...

Wednesday, July 24th, 2002

Y2kk Update: Well, I've been pretty bored with life lately. I guess that's what happens with an internet junkie when he doesn't get his fix... It's even going to be a pain in the ass just to upload this very Y2kk Update. Since I've been blacklisted from my broadband company, even after paying their massive $50 fee for the month, I've been forced to revert back to the my past, primitive ways of being blind-sighted and broadband impaired... And not only am I on dial-up, but I'm on free dial-up, for Christ's sakes! And it uploads and downloads so damn slow, that even my bloody hell webpages take forever to load, but I digress. I guess I'll save the full extent of my whining for my Tweakui update later this week. Without the internet to surf, and without any new movies to rent and abuse, I guess I've got nothing left to do than to write, write, and as Winston Churchill says, write... or, um... he actually said to read, me thinks, but that's besides the point...

I didn't see a movie last Friday for reasons that remain unexplained, but I did see K-19 just yesterday and a lot of the movie is still fresh in my mind. Simply put, I thought this movie was perhaps the best submarine movie I've ever seen, and much better than most of the reviews I've read have said . Granted, the only sub movies I can remember seeing are The Hunt for Red October, Crimson Tide, U-571, and Saving Silverman (with the Subway University I mean, and... oh, nevermind), but I usually fancy myself as a navy marine freak nonetheless. Between Grade 6 and 9, I had both a huge fascination with the ships of Star Trek and the modern ships of the US Navy. It was the coolest thing, actually - I would actually ask my friends to give me names that would be cool for a ship, and I wrote down hundreds of their suggestions on some sheet of paper that I can't find today. And why did I want a list for myself of a thousand ship names? Because I wanted to build a fleet of that many Starships in my mind, and dream of blowing every single one of them up with anti-matter torpedoes, but I digress... Anyhew, I've been fascinated by the technology of ships and submarines ever since those glory days. Hell, I spent most of my summer school course this year with thoughts of Leviathon-class cruisers and concrete-built submarines dancing in my head. And I might as well mention here that I've always been a freak about nuclear energy as well. If it wasn't for damn nuclear waste byproducts, uranium and those upcoming meltdown-proof reactors could provide for us clean, unlimited energy for us in just a matter of years. But as long as Chenobyl keeps wrecking havoc on our computers, we'll always be too afraid to turn Yucca Mountain into a radioactive Godzilla, but I digress...

So when you put two and two together, how could I possibly not love K-19 to the fullest? The greatest scene for me was actually when the champagne bottle did not break on the hull of the Widowmaker. I was somehow in full agreement with the crew at the very instant that happened, for both they and I knew they were all cursed for doom (although I guess I also knew they cursed from the trailers to the movie, but I digress). It was actually a heartbreaking moment, though not a bottle breaking one, and I started thinking to myself then and there, that with my paralyzing fear of water, would I actually get on a ship that didn't have a wine bottle broken on its hull? It's a stupid question, I know, and I'll probably never even get on a non-cursed ship in my life, but I actually started thinking a lot about this whole issue of mine during the movie... And there were a lot of other decent, if not decently good scenes in the movie. Even though it's been done to death in sub movies, the moment where the hull buckles from being 300 metres beneath the surface of the water did send a shiver or two up and down my spine. The phallic moment, where the K-19 rips through the ice just to prove to the motherland that their submarine was superior to any bastard child the Americans could build, was also a rather poignant moment, and actually reminded me a lot of the 100th Voyager episode, one of the few episodes of the series that I actually did like, where the USS Voyager was frozen in a block of ice, but I digress...

And it was during this ice-capade that I started second guessing the intelligence of integrity of the captain as well, just like the XO at the time was. And yet, my loyalty in the captain was somehow restored during the radioactive scenes. From a modern perspective, Harrison Ford's character was insane. He was lettting his people die a slow and painful death when he possibly could've saved them all if he just asked for NATO's help. But this was 1961, before even the Cuban Missile Crisis occurred. The motherland chose the most loyal captain they could offer, and from that vantage point, Harrison Ford in his role truly did shine. And this movie did rather shine when you could see radioactive decay all gloating and glistening off the molten skin of the K-19's repair workers. Although I've always loved nuclear energy and feel that it's gotten a hell of a lot safer than those early cold war days, I don't think I'd ever have to courage to risk my life, wearing just a mere chemical suit, by allowing the power generators that I know and love to burn, crack, and peel away the very skin from my bones... and if that's not enough, it wasn't pretty when the guy threw up after just 10 minutes in the reactor core. Although barfing has never worked in my opinion in any other movie I've seen, I thought it worked exceptionally well here. After just 10 minutes in the core, I didn't expect the workers to be in that bad shape, and yet... it's nuclear energy. After studying it for so long in my life, I know that after 10 minutes in a busted-up, old Russian core, I myself would probably be dead. And that's what made this movie great to me. It actually related to a lot of the fears I had as a techie kid, as a walking Oedipal Complex shrouded in captains, first officers, Deanna Troi, and hulls, although I really have no clue what I said just there...

But yes, there were some rather large flaws in this movie that prevented it from being an absolutely great movie. First of all, how eager and stupid could the Russians have been to send an unfinished submarine out to patrol the New York border, just to prove to the Americans that they now have a delivery system to assure that stupid MAD clause in their Santa Clause crappy clause thingy? But then again, this was the Cold War, an era notorious for secrecy and military regimes that lacked all sense of basic logic whatsoever. And besides, I guess I can't really consider this a movie flaw when this whole crap fiasco actually happened in real life... Secondly, I was perturbed at first by the inconsistant accent of Harrison Ford and the completely lacking accent by Liam, um... can't remember how to spell his last name, but I digress... However, I noticed that by the final curtain, where Harrison was giving a speech to the remnants of his crew in '89, that I had forgotten all about the Russian accent. Once the movie got good, I forgot all about the film's past transgressions, and enjoyed the movie for what it is. Sure, some can argue Liam ending the mutiny and helping his captain at the end was just pure illogical, but I simply see it as trust in the motherland (despite Liam having no trust in his captain). Sure, some can argue that the movie just dragged on, with Harrison Ford unable to make a real decision at the end until it was beaten out of his head with a stick, but to me, it was only at the end that Ford finally looked human to me, and actually did seem like he cared about his crew like a captain secretly always does. And sure, I've heard that the second half of the film bores reviewers to tears from the lack of action, but I for one thoroughly enjoyed the time taken to show the full frontal impact of what a nuclear reactor can do. I've even heard complaints that this film doesn't feel cohesive, and yet aside from Road to Perdition, this was the only film I've watched all year that had me entertained the whole way through. It felt like a full movie to me, and it actually felt more real than anything I've felt since... um... Gladiator... and maybe Black Knight, but I guess I should shut up right about now...

Anyhew, onto the Stargate review of this week's episode, Abyss... which, um, might I add, took four bloody hours to download with my 33.6 modem, when if I just had my broadband for one more day, I would've had Abyss in the palms of my keyboard hands after a mere 5 minutes, but I digress... Abyss was one of the most highly anticipated episodes of the year, and did the goods deliver? Yes, and no... I admit that the dialogue in this episode was some of the best since maybe my favourite episode, the Fifth Race, but it just couldn't hold my interest as a whole as much as Redemption, Part 2 did earlier in the season. As I mentioned, I thoroughly enjoyed the constant badgering and banter between Jack and the ascended Daniel. I've always loved their childish, "Did not", "Did", "Did not" routine, and it makes a somewhat modified return in this episode. And of course, the witty humour doesn't end there. I loved Jack's lines as usual, especially "that's my week so far", "look who's talking", and when he mentioned to Baal that he probably knows, um, less than he thinks... And as for his comedic counterpart, when Daniel asked Jack if he thought "the Asgards named a ship after you because they thought it was a cool name", I couldn't help but be momentarily stunned because, um... I used to name ships simply because they had cool names, but I digress... And perhaps the greatest comedic line I've heard since The Warrior's, "I don't say much" quip, was when Jack told Daniel, "so you want to be my Oma", or something along those lines... Now, I don't understand what the source of that joke is, but I guess my subconscious mind got the punchline, because I started laughing my head off when he said that for no apparent reason whatsoever. And all in all, the first bulk of the banter between Jack and Daniel had all the right elements to make it classic. Their later discussions, however, reminded me too closely of the crap I write in stories. I'm not saying Jack complaining that he's not a good man was not a good speech. It just wasn't powerful to me, because I've heard all his rhetoric from, um... myself... And when Jack finally admitted that if he gets tortured and killed just one more time, that he'll tell Baal everything he wants to know, I personally thought that was great acting on RD Anderson's behalf. Right then and there, the whole Jack character came into play, and I just instinctively knew that he had remembered his mission purpose all along, that he was just hiding the truth from Daniel in case a) the room was bugged, and b) in case Daniel was a Goa'uld induced delusion. And yeah, I can honestly say I was satisfied at the end, when Jack cracks a smile or two and Daniel tells him he's going to be alright. Not only did these few motions show that the Jack that I've personally always admired is still there after all that torture (then again, he was still slap happy after being abandoned in Iraq for a year), but that perhaps Daniel knows big things for the SG-1 team are waiting for them on the horizon, stuff that could really get juicy...

And my only gripes about this episode? That first of all, there was little to no action. I know it was probably the better move to allocate all the episode time to the Daniel and Jack banter, but I really did feel kinda cheated when it didn't show any kind of stand-off between Jack and Baal at the end or anything... Daniel possibly telling Teal'c about using Yu and his motherships to give Jack a fighting chance was rather ingenius. I personally never thought of that solution, but once again, I felt kinda slighted and cheated. We didn't get to see the battle take place, nor did we get to see the aftermath. The episode was all about Jack and Daniel, and although that probably was the better choice to do, I still missed the usual kind of generic, Zat gun, action sequences... And oh, I absolutely loved the anti-gravity effects in Jack's holding cell, but I wasn't really impressed with the gravity fun in the torture chamber. Call me a spoiled brat if you want, but Jack's repeated killing just wasn't as brutal as Teal'c's torture in season four's, The Serpent's Venom. And Jack repeatedly waking up in the sarchophogus made me think more of Groundhog Day and the comedic Window of Opportunity than it did of any kind of sympathy for him, but I digress... But really, I've blown all these gripes way out of proportion. Writing wise, this has been one of the best episodes in the history of the Stargate series. It's just that, there wasn't enough eye-action-candy for me and my wonderful testosterone to call it one of my personal favourites. Then again, I'm one of those freaks that didn't and still doesn't mind Anise, the Tok'ra barbie, but I guess I should really shut up right about now...

Wednesday, July 17th, 2002

Y2kk Update: Since I've got golf lessons in a couple of hours, and since I can't type anything tomorrow while watching my grandmother unless I decide to bring a laptop to her place, I'd better cut to the chase for this week's IvanF at the Movies review... I saw Road to Perdition with a friend last week, the same friend I see movies with each and every week. Hell, I probably wouldn't even be watching movies if it wasn't for him, which is why I kind of feel guilty for kinda shooing him away yesterday night. Then again, I feel bad for shooing anyone away, but I digress... After being stuck in a hot, sweaty car for pretty much most of the afternoon, I just didn't want any company later that night. But when I told my friend this, he kinda made me feel guilty for ruining his movie plans or something along those lines... I didn't say anything wrong. I just hope I didn't make him feel neglected or left out in left fried field or anything, that's all. Because believe me, I know what it feels like to be left behind enemy lines.

Anyhew, time for my spoiler-packed, mini-review of Tom Hanks' Road to Perdition, and just by realizing Tom Hanks stars in the movie, you'd already know that the movie has Academy Award written all over it. And when I was walking into that theatre, I was a bit apprehensive that the movie would end up like that American Beauty move I love to loathe: as a cocky, bigot endevour that simply screams out, "I'm smarter than you! Give me the Academy Award!"... However, I now admit that I couldn't be happier with Road to Perdition after it proved me damn wrong by ending up more like Tom Hank's Castaway than any Kevin Spacey movie out there. Sure, Castaway was another movie that hollered out, "Look, I made fire! Give me the Academy Award!", but it was also a movie that genuinely made me sad. It invoked and provoked a powerful response in me, despite Wilson being the best member of the entire cast. And bless the heart who wrote the script, but Road to Perdition was almost as damn good to me as Castway was the first time I watched it... almost, that is... I kept repeating this to my friend after leaving the theatre: that as great as Road to Perdition was, it wasn't perfect. It was so damn close, but it just wasn't perfect. And I although I really love the movie, it just wasn't perfect enough for me to love...

Let me just explain here before I get ahead of myself, that although I now forget the actor's name, the grandfather in the movie shined in every single scene he was in. From the moment he hugged his grandchildren, the tender music he played on the piano, and the sequence where he prays to God for forgiveness in a church, he had me on my knees... he had me at hello, although I guess he never said that word, and I guess I wasn't actually kneeling, but that's besides the point... Anyhew, I thought that Tom Hank's played his Michael Sullivan character was such a coy, copulous silence in his eye, whatever the hell that's supposed to mean, that he truly did earn my respect and that of the Academy's for about the umpteenth time since his debut. If anyone deserves seven lifetime achievement awards, it's Tom Hanks. Sure, I thought some of his acting in this movie was reserved and less refined than I anticipated, but when it mattered most, you could see his stand-alone brilliance shine through the megaplex screen. The smile of joy on his face when he realized his son couldn't shoot his killer was simply awe-inspiring, and absolutely awe-struck me like no other scene has since Tom Hanks hollered, "hello!", in Castaway... But the real star of Road to Perdition? You'd never be able to guess from the trailers, but Jude Law and his psycho of a character honestly made the movie for me. I mean, sure his characters in AI and Enemy at the Gates were decent, but I had never seen his full potential until I saw this very movie. Not only did Jude Law and Tom Hanks create a near-perfect denouement to the tragic story of Michael Sullivan with the ending sequence, but also created together what I believe to be absolutely the best scene in the entire movie. The moment Jude Law stepped into the diner, whipped out his camera, and explained to Sullivan that he loves "being paid for doing what he loves", I fell in love with this movie... and the glorious bead of sweat glistening off Hank's brow only managed to highten the scene so much further, that this one scene alone could end up being my favourite movie sequence of the entire, box office year. But I guess we'll have to wait and see for the verdict of that...

However, as great as the movie was, with it's near perfect casting and near perfect acting, I simply cannot call the movie perfect. As great as the storyline was, I just can't consider it perfect. First of all, let me admit here that I couldn't grasp the full impact of the father and son major talk between Hanks and whoever played Michael Sullivan Jr. Somebody's cell phone started ringing all over the place, and it didn't take long for the others in the crowd to start screaming at the guy to shut the phone off... Needless to say, I couldn't enjoy that scene. I was expecting a big emotional impact, but thanks to the cell phone and a whole mob of pissed off people, I got nothing. And to be honest, maybe it wasn't the cell phone's fault. I'm not sure about you, but I didn't feel genuinely happy or genuinely sad at any moment in the entire film, regardless of what was going on in the theatre crowd. During the comedic moments where the son has trouble driving away from the bank robberies, of course I laughed, but the humour felt misplaced (although I did enjoy him asking for "$200"). During the massive climax sequence where Michael Sullivan does what he must with a Tommy Gun, I just didn't care. Call me desensitized from video games if you will, but instead of caring about the ethics and morals of the scene, I commented to myself how cool the musical score was at the time and how crappily poor marksmen the grandfather's men must be to miss every single shot when their lives are on the line. Hell, I even complimented the grandfather for breathing out perhaps the best sigh of failure that I've ever seen in a movie, but I just couldn't give a damn about the actual characters in the scene. Blame the cellphone if you will, but this movie failed to evoke the emotional response in me that Gladiator, Castaway, and yes, even Disney's The Parent Trap have all done to me in the past... And although the plot of the movie remained solid for most of the show, there was just one thing that bugged the living daylights out of me. In the accountant's hotel room, Tom Hanks managed to shatter glass or something into the face of Jude Law's assassin character. Now, considering Tom Hanks barely even cringed when he murdered his father and brother, I would figured that he would've at least taken the time to walk just one step over and put a bullet into Jude Law's head... and, um, he didn't... Thanks to script immunity or something, Jude Law was allowed to live... Tom let him live and leave, even though he knew where Hanks was going... even though he knew about his son... even though Jude's now out for revenge, and yadda yadda yadda, the list goes on...  Earlier in the movie, I had thought to myself that Michael Sullivan was a smart man, for getting the Capones involved and for always covering his back... and then he allows some mass-psycho-Hannibal-murderer to survive and shoot him from some window, just to show that he still cares... and oh, just great, Hanks. Great way to use your mind...

Anyhew, regardless of my negative comments, Road to Perdition was absolutely the best movie I've seen all year. Not a single scene in it was boring, although the placements of some sequences did feel a bit stiff and off. The music was great, though not perfect. The editing was great, though not perfect. The acting was brilliant, though not perfect. And, well, I think you get the picture, that this picture is definitely not going to Perdition, but rather straight to the Academy Awards. The only problem is, Tom Hanks has won best actor so many damn times, that unfortunately, Road to Perdition may get more than its fair share of screw jobs and politics...

Anyhew, time's running short on me, so I'll just so a very petit synopsis of what I thought of Nightwalkers, this week's episode of Stargate SG-1. Simply put, I was never a fan of X-Files, so can I really be blamed for not enjoying this episode? Sure, the village of the damned in this episode was an intriguing proposition, but the spookiness of the endeavour instantly melted away as soon as Carter mentioned, "you guys aren't nearly as smart as you think you are."... And yes, I know that line was near the end of the episode, and yes, I did like her "motorcycle riding, lock picking" comment, and I might as well mention that it was nice to see her in charge of the team for once, but I just didn't enjoy the surreal feeling I got from the townsfolk, who ended up being only a very minor and incapable foe for SG-1 to deal with. Simply put, I just couldn't tolerate the gloominess of the episode, and I thought the happy ending just didn't suit the gloominess I was feeling just a few, fleeting moments beforehand. Sure, I laughed and remarked at Jonas' photographic memory abilities, and yeah, I am intrigued by that ship the infant Goa'uld were somehow building with bits and pieces on earth (it'll probably be used for defence along with the X-303). And yeah, it did occur to me that the SGC has just inadvertently found a way to save the Jaffa from slavery, by cloning Goa'uld larvae for implantation (as long as they get past the moral dilemma of using Goa'uld as Jaffa slaves, and as long as the Jaffa don't oppose relying on earth for their ability to live). But I just still couldn't like this episode. It was interesting, yes, but just not entertaining, and why? Because it just didn't feel like the go-happy Stargate I know and love... and besides, something just didn't sit right when Samantha Carter sits down in some sort of Scully tribute uniform...

Wednesday, July 10th, 2002

Y2kk Update: Great, just great. Amicable even, if that's how you spell the word. I've got a date with destiny tonight, and I'd better be on par. You see, I've been forced into a false marriage tonight, into some lesson for that non-sport of golf that I've never really liked. And yeah, I know, I'm the one who volunteered for the role of driving birdies and crashing carts, but that was before my sister went all business bezerk on me and left for Montreal without saying a single word of apology. And now I'll have to endure a couple hours or so, listening to my sister get extra instructions from whatever kind of male model teacher we'll be blessed with at the golfing range. As you can tell, I'm so excited that I just can't hide it, and it all sounds like so much fun, doesn't it?

I watched the Royal Tenebaums on DVD with my friend on Friday. I still don't understand how a little independent movie store could rent out DVDs a weekend before they're meant to be releashed, but oh well, AOL, I wasn't one to technically complain. I've only heard good things about the Royal Tenebaums afterall, from my sister, my friends, and from the bloody hell internet of all vile and despicable places. But alas, the shared opinion that the Tenebaums were screwed out of an academy award was just not meant to be for me... I never once expected to be bored during a Ben Stiller movie, but I guess there's a first for everything. I never once expected to be bored during an Owen Wilson movie, but then again, I saw never saw Behind Enemy Lines... I never once expected to be bored during a Luke Wilson movie, but, um, I guess that's because I have no clue who he is... I never once expected to be bored in a Bill Murray movie nor a Danny Glover film, but I honestly felt like I was watching some mixed pedigree of CaddyShack and Predator 2 or some crap like that... And I never once expected to be bored during a G-spot Paltrow delicacy, except that, um, actually, I don't think I've ever liked a single one of her movies (although I did once collect pics of her before, but that's besides the point)... I won't say much here, but I will point out that I couldn't believe how disappointed I was with the Royal Tenebaums, to the point that I don't even know if I'm spelling the name of the movie correctly. My friend claimed I didn't seem to get any of the subtle jokes in the movie, but trust me, I saw them, and I admit they were kind of creative, but they just weren't funny. And for a comedy, that's not a good thing. That's a bad thing... In all honesty, with a sister loving her brother, a father trying to steal back his wife, and a widower refusing to let his dog die with his past, it all felt like some kind of drama, straight out of the horrific boredom of my life. It was a raw disappointment, a smackdown of cataclysmic proportions, and it definitely was not a smart nor decent comedy to me. And I think I'll stick with my Lethal Weapon 4s, Zoolanders, and Shanghai Noons for a good, hardy, intellectual laugh, thank you very much...

Anyhew, I did see Men in Black 2 last week, and I did try to walk into the theatre with low expectations, as I would with any other movie... I really did... But honestly, how could I possibly have known that the sequel to one of my favourite summer blockbusters of all time would end up being so lame and crappy compared to original? I know this has been said so many damn times on the internet, but honestly, I left the theatre barely remembering a decent thing about the movie, as if the big neuralization of New York or something had affected me as well. And, well... maybe I should give Men in Black 2 the benefit of a doubt or something. It's reported that Will Smith initially called the MIB2 script "brilliant", even after filming Ali, but there's no way to know for sure how much the script actually changed after the World Trade Centers were attacked and after Elle refused to make a return appearance.

I'll admit here, that I had extremely high hopes for the movie after seeing the trailer, the same trailer, over and over and over again... and sadly, that was more than just a severe, swerve of a problem. I can't even remember laughing anytime during the first half hour or so of the movie, simply because all its brilliant jokes and running gags had been ruined and descecrated by that ceremonious trailer. Literally every single decent laugh was stolen from the first half of the movie and implanted into that one trailer, just to give the impression as if the whole movie was that damn funny. And actually, I think the first time I even laughed at the movie was when Frank the dog was singing along to Who Let the Dogs Out or whatever that old school song is called. And, well... by the end of the show, the movie did steadily improve in comedy and spirits, as I laughed along with the bachelor worms, at their twister game, at the little hairy guys in the locker world, at the MIB watchman just sitting there in the middle of a crisis, and even when Jeebs' head was blown off by Kay before he even got his memory back. And actually, the only entire sequence that I throughly enjoyed was the one where Tommy Lee was staring at the needed key as Will Smith doddled around the room, searching endlessly for hidden clues. After five years on the job, Smith was still thinking like a rookie, and that's what I enjoyed most about this film. It was the veteren-rookie interactions that set the original Men in Black apart from all other movies to me, and although there were some slight hints of that immortal brilliance in the sequel, there just wasn't enough to keep me satisfied. The writers of Men in Black 2 seemed to take all the visual gags from the original and implemented them in place of all the wry and witty comedy between the real characters of the story. Even Patrick Warburton had a decent role going, with the crying in the diner and everything like that, and yet he was booted off the screen before I even knew what stoned him. The UFO store clerk was pretty entertaining as well, but he left the viewscreen well before anyone could ever see him stone his mom...

And that is the single greatest flaw about Men in Black 2 - everything about it just feels rushed. After neuralizing the public on the demolished subway at the start of the movie, Will Smith suddenly took a seat on a bench and brought up the subject of his loneliness out of nowhere. Nothing prior in the movie prepared us for his soul searching. He was just fine one moment, and depressed as hell the next... Later on, there was no real build-up to the invasion of the MIB headquarters whatever. Serleena, or whatever her name was just, happened to appear at the scene, used her breasts and fancy tentacle thingies to tear apart the place, and that was about it. Nothing more, and nothing less. Agent Jay didn't even seem concerned for a second. He just pressed a button, flushed himself and Agent Kay down to tubes to the streets of New York, and that was it. That was all. There was no build up, no drama, no threat, and no aftermath. And honestly, it's because of scenes like that that made Serleena into an awfully woeful and harmless villain.

She did nothing at all that was threatening, besides prance around in her underwear and talk to lesser villains who were taken care of in the shortest of fights. And unlike the Edgar bad bug in the original film, Serleena never seemed to pose a real threat to the Men in Black at all. She may have taken over their headquarters, but instead of getting the agents to fear and respect her or whatever, we've got Agent Zed nailing her in the head with repeated bicycle kick shots, Matrix style, for no apparent reason but to get a cheap laugh. The writers made Serleena into a joke, and yet they never bothered to make her funny. A comedic villain, like Jeebs or someone, would've worked at the very least... I mean, in the original film, Will Smith showed fear yet poise in his dramatic battle against the unstoppable bug at the end, and yet in this film, all he does is shoot Serleena a couple of times and bite her on the tentacles. There was no fear, no pressure, and although I did enjoy the twist on the Light at the end (although it was a bit too Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Dawnish if you ask me), there was nothing really exciting in this movie whatsoever. And as a sequel to one of my favourite movies of all time, how could I possibly not be just a tad bit on the depressed side? And, well... I guess all I can hope for now is that Terminator 3 won't butcher the respect that the previous two incarnations of the series have rightfully earned, but without James Cameron at the helm and after seeing that truly, absolutely, atrocious T3 trailer, I've got a feeling I'll have another Pearl Harbor disaster waiting on my hands... hell, I already see similarities in their advertising campaigns, but maybe that's just me... and besides, I, um... sort of liked Pearl Harbor, but I guess I shouldn't have said that...

Anyhew, just to let you know, I did write a review of the Buffy the Vampire Slayer musical episode, Once More, With Feeling, over the weekend. Or, um, well, it's not exactly a review. More like an overview really, of an episode that aired practically an entire year ago from now... I'll just copy a section of it here for no apparent reason, not like anyone reads this page anyhew. But since I just submitted this no-name site to Google, then maybe one or two Buffy fans may finally take notice, read my review, and dismiss my webpage as the essence of crappiness until the end of time... and it all sounds like so much fun, doesn't it?

"I'll point out here, just in case this review ends up royally sucking, that this is the third review or editorial or whatever that I've written today for this no-name website. I'm a little tired right now, but after taking a few weeks off to recuperate from nothing, I thought I should make July 7th special or something from a no-name point of view. You see, it's my sister's birthday today... and actually, it was my friend's birthday yesterday and I forgot all about it, but that's besides the point... Anyhew, after coming home for an hour to pick up her car, she sped off with her boyfriend to spend a somewhat eventful weekend in the somewhat romantic, Montreal, Quebec city. And, well... I thought it would be appropriate to write a review of Once More, With Feeling on the date of my sister's birthday, since the title does describe what I wish our sibling relationship was like, and it was perhaps the only Buffy the Vampire Slayer episode that my sister ever sat down and actually watched with me. She found it rather ridiculous how a bunch of actors and actresses who couldn't really sing were trying to do a musical episode of some sort, and since my sister had watched a plentiful and abundant amount of musicals during her "maturing" days, I did take her opinions with more than a grain of pepper salt. Of course, her singing isn't worth a damn. She can shatter glass with her voice, and not on purpose... but she does know what defines a good singing, so my ears were peeled, if that's the right word...

Anyhew, why am I reviewing this episode so very damn long after it first aired?... To be honest, I didn't see the episode in its entirety until now. The first time I watched the episode, it was the so called butchered version with a missing 60 seconds or whatever from every scene. And finally, last week I caught the full version of Once More, With Feeling I suppose, and what's my verdict? That quite honestly, I can't tell a damn difference between the full version and the supposed torn up one. So how did I know I was watching the original version of the episode? I really didn't, but it did go over five minutes into overtime, to my surprise and, um, surprise again... And what exactly is my opinion of Once More, With Feeling? Because if I do rememeber correctly, the first time I watched it, I found the episode to be overhyped. The singing was well done, but the music itself lacked the punch I thought it needed. Then again, I was a guy listening to Buffy music intended for girls, or at least Buffy fanatics. And more importantly, I'm a guy who never listens to music. I don't listen to wrap, nor chazz, nor leadal, nor Mcclassical, nor any of those types of music I've never even heard about. So honestly, as a guy who has bought not a single music CD in his lifetime except for the one based on Donkey Kong Country (although I did enjoy the Rock's and Gladiator's soundtracks), how can I really review a musical episode in good conscience?

I can't, really. I don't have the credentials to write a review of any merit... But has that ever stopped me once before from running my mouth? Hell no! And I'm going to do it again, and for reasons why? It's because although I can't say Once More, With Feeling was my favourite episode of the sixth season, it definitely places in my top 3 or 5. Sure, I found the schizophrenic concepts of Normal Again far more interesting than I ever did of Sarah Michell Gellar singing with vampires, but that doesn't mean that I respect Normal Again more than this musical episode. The amount of hard work and rhyming rhythm and all the brilliant writing that was put into Once More, With Feeling simply astounds me, confounds me, and quite frankly, makes me jealous. I don't see it as music, but rather as whimsical poetry at its best, and yes, even though I technically hate poetry, I also technically... um... like poetry, although I guess that didn't come out right... I'm reviewing Once More, With Feeling above all other Buffy episodes, simply because it's one of those very few shows that get better and better every time I watch it. Entertainment wise, I can't say Once More was brilliant, nor even a success in my world of views. But writing wise and creative wise, quite honestly, I think it's possibly and positively the best episode I've seen on any television show to date.

And it all started with what I consider the best song and performance in the entire episode. Buffy is patrolling to the sound of music, and all of sudden, she suddenly starts singing... Suddenly! And, well, I'll write some of the words she sang here, but nothing can do the drama and pose she proposed in the song any sort of justice: "I've been making shows of trading blows, just hoping no-one knows... that I've been going through the motions, walking through the part... Nothing seems to penetrate my... heart!..." Now, I've heard Sarah Michelle Gellar hasn't exactly sung a thing before this Buffy episode, but for a person with as much vocal experience as I have, she definitely played the part amazingly. And what made her first song, "Going through the Motions", a classical hit was the fact that Joss Whedon integrated vampires and demons into the fifth element event horizon flawlessly. When Buffy hit a vampire in the mouth ("... doesn't mean a thing... She ain't got that swing... Thanks for noticing..."), the change in pace and the pause in voice was absolutely flawless, attracting my attention like no other scene in this episode has, and the beauty of the song didn't end there. Perhaps the best sung moment in the entire episode came at: "She's pretty well with fiends from hell, but lately we can tell... that she's just going through the motions", since she's not half the girl she, "Owww!"... And I don't know why, but the entire scene of Buffy slaying demons, having their dust rise to symbolize hope, virtue, clarity, and whatever other kind of crap, simply brought a tear to my eye... thinking about the dust that is. I'm afraid I'm allergic to that crap, but that's a real lame comment, and that's besides the point. And Sarah's best moment of singing in the episode came at: "... and I don't want to be... Going through the motions, loosing all my drive... I can't even see, if this is really me! And I just want to be... alive!..." And I know writing her words does not do her work ethic justice, because as simple as those lines were, she delivered them with a conviction that truly did prove that the success of the Buffy series has a hell of a lot to do with her... her acting, that is... and okay, I admit, I did start watching back in season two because Buffy really looked hot in all those pyjama clothes she wore, but maybe I shouldn't have said that right about now..."

If you're really bored this summer with your "freedom" at work or whatever, go ahead and read the rest of this unnecessarily long review at: ivanf-tvdvdmovies-reviewingwithfeeling.htm.

Wednesday, July 3rd, 2002

Y2kk Update: Well, we all know which day it is today... It's the day that some lobby group in Washington DC is actually demanded Congress to rejoin the United Kingdom, according to a news report I saw over at Shortnews.com just a minute ago... And what else happened today? Warcraft 3 just arrived for the PC amidst a record amount of preorders and predetermined CD copying. The game's already been played to death thanks to beta piracy, and the only real thing that bothers me is that people out there have been judging for months a piece de resistance or whatever kind of artwork before the masterpiece is even done. And do I sin the same? All the time. Hell, technically I'm reviewing Stargate episodes before I can see the art of the show the way it was meant to be seen.

I also saw Men in Black 2 earlier today, but since there ain't a new Stargate episode to soil and spoil next week on this website, I think I'll save my mixed movie review for when the right time comes. But before I start ranting about Stargate for the sextillionth time on this website, let me just note here that after watching Finding Forrester with my friend (you should've seen his face when I accidentally dropped his DVD onto the ground...), I realized just how much my writing sucks... or at least, sucks compared to when I actually did sort of like the crap that I wrote. I've never been happy with the stuff that I write, but there was a time when I actually wrote crap that I could read a second time without squinting and squirming from side to side. Don't get me wrong - I still write from the heart, as William Forrester in the movie tells all writers to do. But that's my problem - I only write from the heart, never from the mind. Or more accurately, I only write with passion, and basically never correct the first draft that I write for anything. And alas, my life has become standardized enough these days that I simply find a hard time finding the passion to write any longer, like I feel I did quite often during my Grade 12 and OAC writing years, when I actually had Muses I thought I could literally impress... This summer, I'll post a personal awards ceremony for myself on my Tweakui site, naming my best and favourite Y2kk Updates from the past year or so. And whenever I decide to write that Tweakui update, you few readers will find that the only crap I ever wrote that I liked happened to be during the times when I actually had the real-world passion to write. And that's why I don't think I can ever write a novel - by the time I'd get to the quarter mark of the story, I would've already lost my passion. And that's why I'm afraid of life, love, and marriage as well... But doesn't that Triforce insinuate and intimidate us all?

Anyhew, this week's Australian Stargate episode was entitled "Frozen", and it wasn't a bad endeavour, but it wasn't a spectacular one either. The first thing to note, is that I loved the costume and set design for this episode. Sure, the action mainly took place in that one, single, cramped Antarctic science facility, but it was a blessed facility, and I found myself quite in awe at all the scenary there. And even though the hyperthermic clothes or whatever the SG team was wearing have become pretty standard on television these days, it still somehow all got my undivided attention with the widescreen format used in this last season of Stargate. And I'd better not forget to mention how cool all the containment suits used late in the episode truly were. In fact, the greatest moment in the episode came at the very end, with the SG team carrying the sick Jack O'Neill inside a coffin-like container, through the Stargate in almost an egulogy type procession. In other words, the sick O'Neill being carried and babied by his crew was simply put, very sick... or, um, is it spelled "sic"?... Oh, nevermind. I'll never get a girlfriend at this rate, or a decent writing style while I'm at it...

But that's the one thing most lacking from this episode: the writing for Jack O'Neill. Sure I laughed when he commented "Darwin would be crushed"... and yeah, the Simpsons line was misplaced but funny, and reminded me a lot of his brilliant line long ago in Beneath the Surface, when he was trying to remember a bald man important to him, and told Carter, "I think his name is Homer"... However, I seriously just spilled the coffee beans on the only two true moments of humour in this entire episode, and the rest was all mythology and serious crap like that. Now, don't get me wrong - the interactions between Jonas Quinn and Aiyana were almost touching at times, and I even felt something when she was too ashamed to look at the Stargate. But honestly, this episode was rather boring because it centered around the four superwomen women (Aiyana, Carter, Frasier, and Dr. Michaels), and pretty much left out my hero of Jack O'Neill. Of course, he did have that big moment with Sam later on when he blinked or died or whatever to allow his blending with a Tok'ra, but besides that one moment, it was pretty much a Jack-in-the-box-less episode.

However, I must point out here that my opinion is rather bias, simply because I was sort of getting fed up with the mythology in this episode. I know I'm arrogant and everything and should just keep my mouth shut, but I don't exactly like how the writers are using actual Atlantis theories to explain the Ancients and set up the upcoming Stargate movie. Although I still believe in Atlantis to an extent, I don't like the idea that they became civilized 50 million years ago and died out a mere 12000 years ago. If an advanced civilization had that much time to grow and prosper, I think they would've destroyed a lot more on earth than just their puny island that we can't seem to find any evidence of whatsoever. It's been argued that our tech is advancing so quickly only because we're Atlanteans reincarnated with their former knowledge, but I won't dive into that debate right about now... The episode Frozen also pointed out that the Ancients were human, had mystic healing abilities, telekinetic Kitty Prowers, and blah blah blah, which all once again points to the real, existing theories of Atlantis serving as the backbone of the up and coming Stargate spin-off series. And yes, I still believe in Atlantis, even though a lot of Edgar Cayce's predictions about it seem to have passed and died without notice. I guess I was just being pig-headed during this week's Stargate episode, because I couldn't believe Daniel wasn't there any longer to scream at Janet Frasier for figuring out too damn slowly what every archaelogist has known for the past century or so. Every time Carter said Aiyana's discovery was not just big, but huge and world-changing, I couldn't help but groan and grope my lopes, and remind myself of the good old days when I thought my theories of Atlantis were original, only to be shocked when I first found the internet, and found out that my theories had already been thought up by a thousand other internet freaks out there, just like me...

It was like Freud said, about walking into your parents' bedroom as a small child, only to find the two of them doing some nasty things under the covers before your very eyes... Of course, the internet is a little less graphic than that, and that may explain why I have no qualms about pornography yet I'm scared of sock-puppets, but once again, I must digress, because alas, Homer Simpson is a very important man to me as well.

[c. visitors too bored to return...]