An IvanF, IVT, No-Name Whiner, HomePage Production... July 2005: IvanF's No-Name Brand Website...

- NoName.Mycrowsoft.com - "Where do you want to Crow today?"

- Tweakui.Mycrowsoft.com (IvanF's Software Tweaks and Dweaks for PCs) - ( Mirror )
- Download.Mycrowsoft.com (PowerVR, Matrox, S3, nVidia Hardware News) - ( Mirror )
- Office.Mycrowsoft.com (Archived Webpages from Past IvanF Updates) - ( Mirror )
- MSN.Mycrowsoft.com (ATI, 3dfx, Intel, AMD, Via, ALi, SiS Hardware News) -
- Support.Mycrowsoft.com (IvanF's No-Name High School Online Courses and Projects) -
- Cows.Mycrowsoft.com - IvanF.Mycrowsoft.com - Development.Mycrowsoft.com -

- Welcome to IvanF's IVT No-Name Brand Website -
- boring everyone who comes online since May 5th, 2002 -

Y2kk Update: - Stargate SG-1: Origin, Stargate Atlantis: Runner, & Battlestar Galactica: Fragged Reviews (Spoilers...) -

... three good sci-fi episodes in a row. And three positive reviews in a single night from the no-name whiner...

Truth be told, every single episode aired on Friday was at least decent. Making the choice of the IvanFian episode of the week into perhaps the hardest no-name choice for me to make in the past several years...

In the end though, the nod just has to go to Origin... Even if perhaps Origin lacked the action of Atlantis' Runner, or the ramifications we got in BSG's Fragged, there's simply no denying that Origin capped off an overall brilliant three-parter arc to open up the ninth season of Stargate SG-1... If Origin doesn't quite deserve the episode of the week award, then the ninth season of SG-1 as a whole so far definitely has...

Before I forget yet again to note this shit, let me get off my chest that SG-1 really does seem fresh and new this season... Part of it is because of the craft and care made to the sets, as the worlds of the Ori have some of the best damn designs I've seen from SG-1 in years. Not only was the City of the Gods rivaling the majesty of Atlantis on the outside, but I just loved the absolute craftsmanship and vision the set designers put on the inside...

And perhaps the absolute strongest suit of the three parter opener for the season, has been the Medieval-like choir music. Whether Vala was being burnt at the flames, or Daniel was joining in on the fiery brimstone fun as well, I was amazed at just how epic the whole soundtrack to the ninth season has been so far...

And yes, contrary to what I believed after hearing of them the first time, I really do revere the Ori as a formidable opponent now... A lot on the internet have complained that Origin made fun of Christians too much. And to a small extent, I do agree, as all the mocking of "grandma's" felt like a short jab to Jeb Bush's side or something... But on the whole, the Ori do not represent the Christian Church. Nor does the show represent an anti-religion stance, no matter how many on the internet now seem to think so... If anything, the Ori are demons from hell, while the Ancients might as well be considered our guardian angels. Both sides are unable to affect our free will, but one side obviously has a better opinion of "enlightenment" than the other... and obviously, the SG-1 writers favour one side over the other...

And I for one love the introduction of the Ori. Not just because the Priors truly are creepy, in the sense of their religious fanaticism (and apparently, suicidal spontaneous combustion as well). Not just because the Doci guy reminds me of Charlton Heston, giving a NRA speech about his religious love of guns or something. But rather because the Priors and the Doci and the Ori have truly brought the SG-1 series back to its roots... True Stargate in its first three seasons, was always meant to explore the meaning of religion and its affect on not just ancient societies, but earth's as well. The Goa'uld represented Egyptian and Medieval-Lord feudalism for the most part, and now we have the Ori probably coming the closest to the Spanish Inquisition so far...

Sure, some detested the mention of the word "crusade" on the show, as if SG-1 had become about terrorists taking over earth as a jihad or something... But I for one am welcoming the change of pace, from the sci-fi show that SG-1 had become since season 3 and 4... back to its mythological roots, which suckered me into nine seasons of the show in the first place...

Origin really did feel like a new series premiere for the show, as there was just something so peculiar about that ending to me with Richard Dean Anderson... Part of it was obviously the body doubles and blue screen, as it was obvious that RDA and Michael Shanks weren't really acting to each other in the same room (and the scene suffered from it as a result)... But still, I just found those final moments uplifting somehow. When Jack O'Neill was talking about always winning and saving the world, while Daniel was back on his old skool diatribe about being scared and all? The banter and contrast between the two may not be season one calibre anymore, but it was still back... and it was great that RDA returned just once more, to pass the torch to Ben Browder in the F-302...

I actually like Colonel Mitchell this episode for the most part. Sure, his grandma jokes got old real fast (no pun intended... if that was a pun, at least...). But for the most part, he was just a concerned member of the SG-1 crew in the background, which is all I really wanted from the actor... Unlike all the season veterans on the show, Ben Browder looks like he actually cares about the situations he's in. He looked like he cared when Daniel and Vala were burning up in their comas. And he looked frantic as hell as he was carrying that communications device to the Stargate... He looked like he loved being back in a F-302. And yes, he sure as hell did enjoy mocking that Prior on the planet to death...

Mitchell didn't have many classic lines or heroic moments in Origin, save for the nice save with the Stargate whoosh and all. But no great epic moment was needed for his character, because he was still the one newbie member of the cast, and the only one who really looked like he gave a damn... well, besides Daniel, at least...

I guess I could say the same for Vala too, except her character really doesn't give room to be the caring type of gal... Still, for some odd reason, pigtails and a civilian uniform look really good on the actress. And for some odd reason, I really did like her performance in Origin... Sure, she was mostly subdued, as none of her comments made me laugh out loud. But really, after being burned at the stake, her comedy was pretty much the kind of comedy I expected... All of her jokes weren't laugh out loud shit, but rather subtle comic relief. And it worked if you ask me, as I snickered as she stole an apple from the Ori, or claimed to see the light before being burned alive again at the stake...

I should also note that I was definitely thrown off guard by how much she seemed to care about our galaxy in this episode. Why was she an integral member of that briefing room scene at the end anyhew?... But even more surprising, I didn't mind her presence there. Almost as if she deserved to steal Carter's seat, since she was stealing her lines in that scene anyhew... It was weird hearing Vala care about others. But after being burnt at the stake, it sort of felt real, you know? Like she had actually seen the light or something... after she was lit up, of course...

Teal'c had nothing to do, except grow his hair out even longer and uglier than it was before. He helped introduce Gerak though, who we now know will be an idiot of a leader in the near Jaffa future... Did Teal'c really contribute anything this episode? Hell, Mitchell's comment about Teal'c keeping tabs on the saving-the-world count, was far more memorable than any line that Christopher Judge actually had... Still, just the single raised, marquee eyebrow he gave, when Gerak looked like he was sucking up the Prior? That was definitely a true Teal'c moment... though I definitely hope that through the ninth season, we get a hell of a lot more...

It seems the true star of the new Stargate SG-1 is indeed Daniel, as it was him and Jack O'Neill that started the series in the first place... I personally loved how interested Michael Shanks was in his work. Just the little things he did, like his sudden impulsive outburst while mentioning the Ori finding out about our existence being his fault, made the character feel a lot more invigorated than he ever has in years (next to Threads, at least...)... There were just so many classic Daniel moments in Origin. From freaking out from Mr. Doci of Borg, to whining again about the Daedalus to Jack O'Neill?... to getting his ass kicked and name taken by the Dark Jedi Prior? And to even furiously grabbing the arm of Dr. Lam, as if he was pissed at his wife for some shit she's done in the past?... Origin was definitely some of Michael Shanks best work over the years, along with Threads, Homecoming, Abyss, and dating back all the way to The Crystal Skull...

Some on the net have complained that Daniel sort of regressed. That his curiousity got the best of him, and prattled on too much to the Doci about his own beliefs, as if he didn't remember where all that shit got him with the Goa'uld and the Ascended over the years gone by... The thing is, sure Daniel wasn't his smart and super-hero self in Origin. But he was back to being the naive, intrigued, and overly optimistic voyageur he was in earlier years, the kind of character that I adored in season two... Regression or not, I am the no-name whiner. And I personally am hoping that this old skool Daniel sticks around for a very long time...

Origin was just a completely solid episode, in the same kind of vein that SG-1 had going for it in all its early years... Instead of entertaining us with technobabble and fancy sci-fi special effects, Origin simply told a simple story. A story of the differences in beliefs and morality... and the story of two people getting burned at the fire, really...

It introduced a truly menacing new enemy... if only because the Ori hit a little too close to home for comfort...

It wasn't just a great start to what will hopefully be a fresh and invigorating ninth season of the show...

... and it wasn't just a nostalgic throw-back to every single thing that made the series standout in the past...

Stargate Atlantis' Runner was, pardon the pun, a close 'runner-up' for the best episode of the week award...

While SG-1 returned to its roots of mythology, Stargate Atlantis shined once more as it returned to its roots of character development and interaction...

Runner consisted of a simple story, of simply a hostage-taking on one end of the field, and a friend in need on the other side with a P90... The episode has already been criticized for feeling like mid-season filler. And to some extent, I do agree... as there was just something lacking from the total package, as if I was watching some brainless Baywatch episode at times...

... although Ronon Dex, and maybe McKay's own personal sunscreen SPF 100, had more to do with that than anything else...

Now, I simply hate the fact that Lt. Ford has left the show, and not even for greener pastures. So obviously, I turned out to be a bit biased against Ronon Dex (Ford's replacement) in the end. Still, the actor turned out to be a bit better than I thought... Sure, I hated how the episode set Dex up to be too damn good, as he made Sheppard and Teyla look like fools with that throw-a-bag trick. But really, as long as the guy can keep giving us fist and Krauser knife-fights like the one he had with Ford at the end? Then I'll be willing to watch...

Now, I don't like how Ronon so far as been portrayed as a human Klingon or something, or even an Andromeda Tyr clone to go with the Rommie one on Stargate. And it bugs me to hell that the prop department was so cheap they actually used Genii weapons for Dex's flashbacks (unless his planet was part of the old Genii Confederation)... But yes, at least he did seem like he had some chemistry with Teyla. The ripping of the shirt was a bit too stupid for my tastes (I personally wish she ripped open Sora's shirt instead... where the hell did they put that bitch anyhew?...). But the two did sort of connect in an eye-staring sort of soap opera way... the kind of which I'd prefer to stay on Baywatch actually. But at least Teyla finally feels like she has somewhere or someone to belong with, as she always did feel like an outsider amongst the group...

I always kinda wished that Teyla ended up with Aiden in the end, even if the two actors had no chemistry. And perhaps they still can, considering she's a Wraith, and Ford is completely nuts now... And to be honest? I really hope the writers know what they have here, because Rainbow Sun Francks is just awesome as the kid gone wild on Wraith sugar... He acts like a Muchmusic host hopped up on E actually, like we've all seen before. In a good way, I mean...

His schizophrenic performance is really great to watch here, as one moment, he's just the friendly Ford we've always known. And yet it just feels so eerie and awkward, to see the guy giving friendly jabs at McKay of wanting to catch up on things, or congratulating Sheppard on his promotion or whatnot... One moment, he looks sorry as hell for shooting P90 rounds right at McKay's head. And the next, he's willing to kill the unarmed, upside-down man hanging in a tree, without any real hesitation to blow one of his best friends right in the head... I personally think Rainbow put in a stellar performance as the n00b fighting back against his fraternity initiation. I loved the way he acted as he told McKay off for all the jokes he made in the past, and how all his friends abandoned him... The guy really is messed up, considering how perfect of a little soldier he used to be. Yet if you look around the real world around us, you can argue that he ain't really far gone... relatively speaking for a Muchmusic VJ, I mean...

Runner definitely took the ball from Atlantis and ran with it... but of course, there are reasons why it didn't quite get the IvanFian episode of the week...

McKay is always a brilliant sort of character to have around. But the difference between being annoying, and being McKay, is a fine line that not every writer can get the hang of... Because I'm sorry, but McKay has regressed a bit too much for his own good this season. All his nauseating talk about ozone radiation, and his thing for the Hazmat suit all episode long, really did grate on the nerves after a bit. McKay may be a wuss, but I think episodes like The Defiant One should've proved by now that he ain't that much of a wuss...

Still, whenever it comes to writing McKay as a loser who cares about his friends? The writers do normally come through. And they did again in Runner... As soon as McKay stepped in the point blank sights of Lt. Ford, Rodney re-became the lovable, wacky scientist that we've all grown to love... He cared about Ford, trying to calmly talk him down into coming back to the Puddle Jumper with him. Yet as always, McKay loses all patience, and starts wishing Ford would just shoot him to prove how far gone he really was... The look on McKay's face was simply priceless when he accidentally or instinctively shot Ford in the shoulder. And even if he was a coward, shooting that gun mindlessly in the air while crying for help, it was still definitely the highlight of the episode for me... McKay with good intentions yet always fucking up, is the kind of guy we can all relate to. Or at least the kind of guy that I can relate to, especially after a fucking week like I just had...

John Sheppard and Teyla had a few good lines themselves, but they really didn't do much... Sheppard got to relate to Ronon thanks to his military rank, and Teyla got to 'prove' she was trustworthy by ripping open his shirt and proclaiming "we wish you no harm". Which somehow worked like a charm, by the way... Dr. Beckett got another cliche scene of him being terrified to leave the infirmary. But he along with Dex did a great job in the surgery scene, as it really did look painful to watch the Baywatch bitch flinch... I would also say Ronon's acting was painful to watch as well. Yet surprisingly it wasn't, if only because Ford carried him in that stellar knife fight of theirs. And Sheppard provided all the comic relief needed to prevent Dex's hair from being the comic focus of the show...

I personally still wish that the writers would keep Dex on the run, and get Rainbow Sun Francks back on the show full time... but still, my personal misforgivings aside, Runner definitely did show a ton of promise for the second season of the series... Ford was finally truly interesting, as Runner was by far the actor's best performance on the series to date. And even I have to admit Ronon Dex doesn't seem to bad, if only because the man does look badass with an alien revolver in his hand...

Finally, the writers figured out what was going wrong in the first two episodes of the season... Finally the writers limited the show to just two running plotlines at once, just like they had done throughout the whole of the first season...

Sure, I was disappointed that Starbuck was completely missing in action... Sure, it still sucked that Adama was reduced to being old, saggy eye candy for Mrs. Robinson's on that medical table of his... And yes, sure it absolutely sucked that we got Adama for sex appeal for the second straight episode in a row, instead of fucking Grace Park or Michelle Wie...

But finally, the show showed some of the real pacing and plotline and focus that the first season of the show had... With just two plotlines running parallel to each other, each of the stories was given enough time to truly develop into the kind of crap we've been waiting to see all summer long...

You see, the thing with Battlestar Galactica, is that it doesn't really feel like there's just 47K survivors of humanity out there. The way that the actors portray things, and the way the government is set up in the BSG universe, it sounds like earth wasn't destroyed (which it wasn't... the 12 colonies were... yeah...). But rather, there's just a war going on in the background, with the main focus being the internal squabbles of power while our soldiers are off in Iraq...

But finally, we got an episode where politics nor the war itself were key. But rather, fucking survival was the only thing on pretty much my mind the whole show... On Kobol, the only thing the survivors could think of, was how the hell to survive. Calley couldn't think of anything else but to stay put when ordered to play the cannon fodder guinea pig, and Crashdown just couldn't think, period...

And back on the Battlestar? We got a scene that should've rolled my eyes (and it did), as the fucking elected government officials actually begged to touch the hand of the president, believing her to be their prophet and saviour... But it all felt real in the end, you know? These are people who have barely any hope for survival, who's only real dreams come from the prophecies in their bible... Logic goes out the window in circumstances such as this. And the only logical thing to assume, is that faith is the thing people really need to survive... This was never really commented on before in the show. But I'm glad it finally came to light in Fragged... and so did something else...

Finally, the Battlestar Galactica declares a state of martial law. Most of us in the real fucking world are still wondering how the hell the commander didn't declare martial law months ago, when his 12 fucking planets were just fucking nuked into oblivion... Still, there was just something about the whole delivery of Tigh's speech that tied my stomach in knots. I was glad that he finally did declare martial law, and yet? I don't know, but it really somehow did feel like the wrong thing to do at the time... Part of it was obviously because Adama would probably never do such a thing, and Tigh just fracked things up more for his best friend. And part of it was perhaps the music, as finally BSG produced an ending note that truly felt epic just like Hand of God felt near the end...

And part of it was of course Colonel Tigh. As truth be told, I really do think that Fragged was his character's best episode yet... The XO is always best when he's drunk, and there was no exception here. It was completely ridiculous to see the commander of the only Battlestar left in the fleet, not even remembering simple details on the bridge of his ship. And he was like this all the way to the end of the episode, when he was still sucking down the booze after giving a huge speech to the press... He was a completely irresponsible commander. And yes, he definitely regressed from his strong command in the season opener, as he even listened to his Lady MacTigh once again for advice...

But regardless of whether he's an idiot or not, the booze is what makes Colonel Tigh into an interesting character. He doesn't belong in command, and he doesn't belong in the ship, and he knows it... but his people need him. And he doesn't want to let Commander Adama down, so he never gives up... he never surrenders... and fracks things up a million different ways along the way. Reminds me of my own fucking life, really...

And you know that Colonel Tigh is doing his job (and so are the BSG writers for a change), when finally we got some true comic relief back on the show... Gaeta and Dualla had just a couple of 'petty' moments on the screen (bad pun intended...). But they were memorable as hell... The moment the two possible Cylons shared, over Dualla's little drinking signal while talking to Tigh on the phone? That was the little kind of touch that makes a great episode what it is... And all the other precious moments, like Calley admitting that military service was just meant to pay for dentist school, are the kind of human touches that have always defined Battlestar Galactica as the series that it is...

Now, I don't know why the writers fracked up, and made Crashdown into such a one dimensional character in season two. Did he really have to mess up in three or four episodes straight, to the point where I would've shot him myself for just being annoying?... Did the writers just want to make Tyrol look like a hero? As yes, I did respect the man, for dressing down Baltar and giving true respect to the chain of command... But I didn't care one bit for that rescue. As the whole "pistol beats metal thing" has already been beaten to death by the dozens of times I've watched Tom Hanks do it better in Saving Private Ryan, thank you very much...

The key that the writers did strike a chord though with, is the fact that there was no real solution to the Reservoir Dogs scenario at the end...

Would Crashdown really pull the trigger out of panic and a nervous breakdown? Would Tyrol been able to pull the trigger, against his better nature of being an all-around, annoying good guy?... Was Baltar right, in saving a life by taking a life? And are the writers right, that hate and murder is truly the one defining thing that you can say about all of humanity?... pfft... stupid writers, tricks are for kids...

Now, Number Six has been annoying as hell all season long so far. I mean, in season one, at least we got fucking sex and campy sex talk to go along with all her fucking sermonizing. But what have we gotten in season two?... just a bunch of preacher shit from her, talking about the baby and how the evil in Cylons is all the parents' fault...

But finally, Dr. Baltar had a decent enough role to play... He was once again the complete moron of a coward, losing his binoculars yet claiming he saw the Cylon Centurions guard their post for five minutes straight. And he was once again caught in the crossfire, retreating back to his old home in his mind where life was simpler, thanks to sex with a Cylon and all... Finally, we got those aspects of Gaius' personality back. But we also got something that I really didn't expect...

Thanks to his complete lack of morality, we actually got to see the hero come out of the guy. He truly did become a man, as his overwhelming desire of self-preservation, saved Calley's life and saved the entire rescue mission in the end... He lucked out again. After fucking things up with his lies, he lucked out again, and got to look like a true war hero for the first time since Hand of God. And just like Hand of God, I loved the dramatic irony of it all... He still wasn't the Dr. Gaius Baltar we all know and love and hate. But he was at least worlds better than the shit we've gotten from the past two episodes of the season, so...

Hell, everything in Fragged was a hell of a lot better than the shit we've gotten from the second season of the series so far...

On Kobol, we got a tight resolution to a plot that seemed like it was going nowhere... We got a kickass threat from the missile regiment being set up for an ambush. We got some great character development for Calley, Tyrol, and especially Dr. Baltar in the end... We got Apollo looking like a tightass idiot in his Marine outfit. And we got a true sense of the battle for survival... kill or be killed... that's the kind of element that the series has been lacking for so long, if it ever had it before...

On the Galactica, finally we got the politics of the show moving in a direction that actually makes fucking sense... The survivors lose their fucking minds, and fall in line with a fucking dying prophet doped up on narcissistic drug shit. And Tigh loses his mind over another kind of addiction, even going so far as to call the Battlestar "my ship"... Add in a wonderful collection of a musical score, and a true feeling of dread in the atmosphere of the episode... and then what do you get?...

... well, perhaps not the episode of the week for me... it got fragged by something else...

... three damn fine episodes in a row really... with three positive reviews straight for once, for the first time in the longest of whiles...

Battlestar Galactica was the best its been all season long... but it still came third in a tight ass race...

Y2kk Update: - Battlestar Galactica: Valley of Darkness Review (Spoilers...) -

Now, I don't know what went wrong with Valley of Darkness, to be honest... on paper, it sounded to be a decent enough episode, with a ton of action that a nerd like me would supposedly care about...

But pretty much every decent action moment was ruined by the improper pacing of the whole episode, yet again... So far, the second season of Battlestar Galactica has pretty much been torn asunder, by the simple fact that there are three running plotlines in every single damn episode... three different settings, each completely removing the pacing and the atmosphere that the other scenes had...

I was literally bored to tears from the fucking tearful goodbye, when Tyrol euthanized that Galaxy Quest buddy of his. And I was annoyed by Cally the whole episode too, as she's too cute to be covered in that shitty kind of grime... Crashdown was a disappointment again, literally doing nothing but complaining to Dr. Baltar that he's being an idiot. And Dr. Gaius Baltar?... I hate to reduce my former hero of the show down to just one fucking sentence or two, but his fucking dream sequence was embarrassingly bad. Since it never showed the baby's face, as far as I was concerned, Dr. Baltar was concerned about drowning a fucking rock in a blanket in the river (and that's probably what the producers did too...)...

Back on Galactica, things were ridiculously stupid at times... A great Cylon computer virus seeped into the computer systems. And yet Lt. Gaeta was able to purge it from the systems in just a few hours? WTF?... unless that was part of his Cylon programming, I don't really see how or why the Galactica crew should ever fear little wimpy Cylon viruses again. Especially considering the 'bots must've saved the good stuff for the Daedalus back on Atlantis or whatever...

Valley of Darkness was once again an episode that highlighted the little people on the show... Naive Billy once again got to get the spotlight, both ruining and saving the day by shooting a loaded gun in the pants. I suppose it was meant to be a metaphor, since he was trying to win Dualla back over or something...

Dualla was a bit of a story though... How did she survive the Cylon attack anyhew? Why was she the only survivor in the room?... I wouldn't go so far as to say she's a Cylon or anything. But she certainly does seem horny, and especially willing to make babies with Billy, it seems... though I wouldn't start pointing fingers at the cute gal just quite yet, otherwise Galactica wouldn't have any hotties left...

If there's anybody that I pray is a fucking Cylon, it's the Madame President. And the near miss with the bullet holes in her shirt should pretty much prove it... She just has way too much luck when it comes to visions and Cylons or whatever, for it to all be just a coincidence. Either the gods really are helping her out, or the Cylons are. And I'm praying it's the latter... Either way, Roslin didn't do much in Valley of Darkness. I was thankful that she didn't pray or anything like she did in the season premiere. But I was also disappointed that none of her motherly instincts ever came back when it came to Billy or Dualla or Lee back from the cockpit...

Now, as for Captain Lee Apollo? He was absolutely useless... I mean, I never really thought a storyline of mass murder in the closed corridors of a ship could actually be boring and tedious. But somehow, Battlestar Galactica pulled it off...

I admit that I did jump at the sight of the first Cylon hack and slash attack. It was just so sudden, that it did catch me off guard...

Then the fucking shaky cam came fucking into full effect. And after enduring the kind of shit everywhere in The Island the other night, I was definitely not in the mood to bear with it here... And as for the rest of the action? God, all it consisted of was mindless shootings in alleyways and corridors. We never really see much of it, since our imaginations are supposed to soar thanks to all the screams in the shadows... But really, I expect a bit more from sci-fi, than just bad CG toasters pretending to be zombie horrorific shit in the background. I at least expected a bit more from that final fight scene, than just Lee shooting at a Cylon that was too damn dumb just to stand in one place and toss grenades...

Col. Tigh didn't have much to do. He got to mutter under his breath that he's thankful he never had kids. And he's probably thankful he didn't really need to command in this episode either, considering he did absolutely nothing but give a lesson on Cylon tactics 101... Commander Adama should've known the tactic of decompression was coming (before he was unconscious, at least). So why the hell didn't he constantly post guards at the Aft Damage Control place then, if it was always the most likely target of a fucking boarding party?... Instead, just like with Water last season, we got an episode where it shows just how dumbass every single commander and marine on the ship really is. I mean seriously, what do they honestly do with their time, if they don't actually constantly guard the key areas of the ship that need to be guarded?...

The Galactica story just felt like dribble for me, somehow... it was far too mundane and monotonously dark, for it to ever be exciting for some damn reason... and except for that random yellow shirt guy who learned how to shoot a gun, the A-plotline of Valley of Darkness was surprisingly lacking in both comic relief and character development. The two true staples of the BSG series as a whole, I mean...

Ironic then, really... that for one, just for once... I actually enjoyed the Caprican scenes more than anything else in the show...

Nothing really happened there. Yet we learned and listened to a lot of decent shit anyhew...

Helo was just a dunce. The poor boy can't act. I might as well start calling him Ben Affleck or something, since he proposed to a Cylon in just six fucking months...

But Kara? Yeah, I actually enjoyed the little romp back to her ol' stomping grounds... What can I say? I'm the no-name nostalgic. And I actually kinda smiled with her when she found that age old cigar with a lighter... I can't say I can honestly believe that Kara Thrace is a painter. But I can see that she's an instant noodle kind of gal (I refuse to call it "Ramen" though... only fucking idiots call it "Ramen"...), as the quick morning life definitely suits her sex buds...

I liked the music in that scene too. Can't say it was really Starbuck in feel, but it did remind me of all the great Edward James Olmos scenes we've been sadly and oh so sorely missing from the show... And the Hummer? Sure, I'm still pissed since last season that futuristic humans still use fucking Hummers that need gas. But hey, at least her car this episode is staying in line with what we knew of her before...

And that's about it really... I would like to write a bonafide, witty review of Valley of Darkness or something...

... but just like with the last BSG episode? I'm simply drawing a goddam dark blank here...

I was bored watching this episode... and coincidentally, I'm bored writing this review... go figure...

I just knew that nobody of real value was in peril... except for those two random Marine guys who just happened to be idiotic enough to take a stand and die, at least...

And without neither real comic relief or real character development anywhere within this episode?...

With three goddam running plotlines, all fucking each other up in terms of atmosphere, plotline and pacing?...

Y2kk Update: - Stargate SG-1: Avalon (Part 2) and Stargate Atlantis: The Intruder Reviews (Spoilers...) -

... there was an SG-1 episode that was actually interesting again, for a change...

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm still on my Stargate SG-1 hating binge, as Avalon (Part 2) just had awful pacing in its second half... I won't even bother to mention how drawn out the whole procrastination of a proclamation or whatever, that six hour ceremony for the Orii turned out to be...

I was disappointed that the whole thing about Merlin and King Arthur was done and over so quickly. Afterall, all we did get was a mention of them in Avalon (Part 1) with a lovely sword in the stone... and not even a holy grail to show for it in the second...

But the whole bit about the new history of the Ancients, was definitely the kind of thing that suckered me into Stargate as a series in the first place... I don't really like the idea of Earth being known as "Avalon" before. But it makes sense that the Ancients were once called something like the "Alterrans" (note the "Terra" word in the rear...)... And the idea that they came to our galaxy fifty million years ago, has opened up a huge amount of new story options for the cast and crew. I for one, am excited about that, at least... and hopefully the writers are too...

As a techie, I feel compelled to note that Avalon (Part 2) does seem to make the Asgard seem infinitely inferior to the Ancients at first glance... Previously, the Asgard seemed to outmatch the Ancients in three technological categories: intergalactic hyperdrive (Asgard can travel millions of light years in just hours or minutes), beaming technology (which requires no receiver station like the rings or the Atlantis elevators do), and intergalactic holographic communications...

But in Avalon (Part 2), the Ancients kinda did make the Asgard look stupid in comparison... I mean, Merlin had Star Trek: TNG holodeck quality holoentertainment for himself (oh, the possibilities...). And the Ancients had the ability to travel billions of light years across space (though it did take them thousands of years to find Earth... don't know if they were making pit stops along the way...)... Don't know about the Ancient beaming technology in the caves though. The sound it made was pretty much identical to the Asgard one (meaning, it could be a modified Asgard transporter for all we know...). And it's possible that there were hidden Ancient receiver stations in the cavern grounds, just like the ring platforms are often barely visible in the ground, but still...

Poor, poor Asgard... Hermiod would feel like an infant compared to these guys (and look like one too, all naked and all...)...

I liked Colonel Mitchell this episode. I know the internet has already blasted the writers, for giving him one of those cliche "proving myself as the new guy" scenes, but I for one loved his battle against the knight in shining armour... Not only did the battle kick ass, because Mitchell got his ass kicked. But the actual swordplay wasn't bad at all, with a few actual decent moves that would give Teal'c a run for his money... And later on, when Mitchell was mocking Daniel Jackson about his babbling talk one moment, then stiffing back into posture as soon as the General overheard him through the door? I personally was relieved that we got a scene like that, since we haven't seen Jack or even Sam in the past few years, ever really care about military protocol the way that Mitchell did there...

Vala wasn't so bad either. Claudia Black really toned down her performance this episode, and thankfully didn't try to overshadow everyone else like she did in the first Avalon episode... It was great just seeing her with a tiara on her head. She didn't even make mention of it, and it was funnier that she didn't... Now, like I said earlier, I couldn't care less about all her scenes in some fat, blonde bitch's wench of a body across the universe. But her burning at the stake scene as a heretic?... I don't know why, but I've always had a thing for bitches getting burned at the stake (don't ask...). And thank the Orii gods, Stargate SG-1 filled my requisite quota for the week... Even better, after all the flamings and flayings, and she was brought to life? When she made her remark about the tingles not being about Daniel, I actually laughed for once at one of her sexual jokes. It was a true comic relief moment there...

... although laughing like a lunatic at her dress being on fire, might've been one as well... though maybe that's just me...

Teal'c didn't have much to do, as always. And worse yet, his patented key phrase of "indeed" was stolen by Hermiod an hour later. That naked bastard!... Still, even though the politics on Dakarta didn't interest me one bit, I know that Garak in charge of the free Jaffa will certainly have consequences in the near future. And it was always great to see Raknor again, especially after we all thought he bit the big one back in Reckoning last season... If there's one thing that Christopher Judge is doing better this season, it's showing the division of his loyalties between the Tau'ri and his Jaffa nation. Without even saying much, you could just tell on his face that he feels like he's betraying both sides of the coin... without stealing it like Vala did, at least...

I was disappointed in the solutions to the two puzzles at the start. Mitchell's wasn't bad, considering I for one wouldn't have seen the mirror images on the coins that quickly... but why the fuck was Daniel's puzzle so ridiculously easy? Sure, it tested whether you were truly gullible or not to steal the coin. But really, at least in this day and age (though perhaps not back the past), who would really steal a fucking trinket, when it could ruin your chance at heaping the whole treasure?...

I did like Daniel Jackson this episode... He had a lot of great comic bits, especially the moment where yet again, he rubbed in the fact that he missed the Daedalus. And once again, he was as interesting of a character as he was back in the earlier seasons of SG-1, all thanks to the fact that he couldn't stop blurting out shit when it came to the completely uninterested General Landry in the hallway (who sucked this entire episode, next to his office basketball net, by the way)...

Now, I hated pretty much every scene in the Orii worshipping galaxy or whatever. But if there was any reason why I kept watching, it was because Daniel Jackson was truly selling his role, with a kind of passion I haven't seen from the actor in a long time (or since Threads, at least...)... He really seemed to care about Vala when she was burned at the stake (guess he finally saw that she was hot...). Either that, or he was just trying to get his real-life wife real jealous on the set... gotta get those nooners in, oh yeah...

... and you just gotta love his "oh" reaction, when Vala was telling the Minister's wife to try "procreation... with herself..."...

The slow scenes about the Orii did definitely take its toll on this episode, preventing it from being anything above average for an SG-1 episode, at least...

... but how the hell could I possibly not give props to the episode, that finally introduced Lexa Doig as Dr. Carolyn Lam?...

I've wanted Lexa Doig on the show ever since I was amazed by her, umm, assets, back during the first season of Andromeda... Now, sure she was a horrible actress in Avalon (Part 2). The fact that she was all still bubbly and cute when giving a sedative to the dying Vala, or the fact that she almost seemed like she was flirting with the fucking General over his fucking desk, definitely made her acting range seem pretty much in the same league as Jessica fucking Alba's...

But just like I can't help but fall in love with every single moment Jessica Alba is on the big screen with her big titties?...

... seriously, how can I ever hate the adorable face that everyone's favourite Rommie has?...

No matter how bad of a line she utters?... no matter how terrible of an actress she becomes?...

... the only thing a true nerd like me can ever do?... is simply nod my head, yield a pussy whipped smile, stare intently at her bra and panties, and chant out as if I'm worshipping the Orii...

But still... for every slow moment in the show, there was an exciting truth revealed about the Ancients... or even their distant cousins, the Orii...

But still, the episode of the week still has to go to Stargate Atlantis... though for once, the margin of victory was barely measurable at all...

The Intruder wasn't a bad episode by any stretch of the imagination. It just wasn't really stellar... besides being interstellar, that's all...

It felt like a flashback episode, really. And completely unlike Letters from Pegasus, I couldn't care less about the flashback moments on screen...

Now, John Sheppard being all down on himself for letting that Lt. Ford slip out of his grasp, wasn't such a bad moment. Especially since I really expected him to end up consoling Ford's cousin over the counter top or something...

Now, I actually loved her moment with Sheppard at the start of the episode. The two really seemed to connect, over finally realizing that the city of Atlantis was now their true home... and the compliment that Weir gave, about the right people in charge giving him the promotion to Lt. Col?... It was cute, really. The way that Sheppard both realized that Weir had a hand in his promotion... and that she had so much faith in him...

But whenever it came to Narim? Or Simon? Or whatever his fucking name was?... Thank God the asshole is finally going back to Tollana, because I don't think I can ever stand another fucking weird, Weir moment with him... I mean seriously, I know it's been a year since I last complained about her wardrobe. But WHAT THE FUCK was Elizabeth wearing during that candle lit dinner? Seriously, at first glance, it looked like she was in a naughty maid suit or something... And while personally, I would've gone for it there over the fucking kitchen stove, Narim is still too attached to the ass of Samantha Carter to ever really give a damn. And the complete lack of chemistry between the two, just reminds me too fucking much of Kathryn Janeway with fucking Chakotay for close comfort...

But bah, the men in charge weren't much better either... Col. Caldwell was a bit of an asshole. He was stung by the bitchy Weir in the SGC briefing room, and acted like a baby who lost his toy for the rest of the episode. He just didn't have the commanding type of commander performance we saw from him in The Siege (Part 3), as he really didn't do much but just sit there as McKay and Weir dictated all the terms to him... And General Landry? Oh God, did he ever suck back in SG-1's Avalon, thanks to hitting on his fucking doctor of a daughter (though oddly... I have no problem with that... except for the fact that he's ugly as fuck...). But he just acted like an idiot of a chum with Caldwell in the briefing room... sort of striding and pacing around, like some dumb fuck of an uncle from the unwanted hick side of the family...

... sigh... I miss General Hammond... or O'Neill... or even fucking Dr. Weir in command, sadly enough...

Dr. Beckett got a few good moments in, complaining about reading resumes of people far more qualified for the job than he is. I can certainly relate, as my resume fucking really sucks right now (though at least he can put "intergalactic surgeon" on his... I guess I should try the same...)... Teyla didn't have much else to do than seem so excited at Dr. Weir's return, that I couldn't help but think that Teyla just didn't have enough fun 'procreating... with herself' while Elizabeth was gone... And it's a shame that Zelenka wasn't on the Daedalus or anything. It was decent to leave him in command with McKay gone, but we sure could've used the nerdsome twosome and their playful banter back on the ship... for 'shippers sakes, at least...

But just like Zelenka has met his match in McKay?... McKay has finally met his match with Hermiod...

Yeah, Hermiod's act did start getting old by the end of the episode. But hot damn, does the guy have a foul little mouth!... I literally spewed chunks of food out my nose when the Asgard sighed in frustration at McKay's order to search around the computers aimlessly. And you gotta give props to the Asgard fella, for not blasting Sheppard with an Asgard ugly stick after that "is he supposed to be naked?" comment (though the question definitely is valid)... The poor bastard is stuck with lowly humans on a primitive ship. It was almost as if he was rooting for the computer virus to kick the humans' asses, so the Assgard wouldn't feel so embarrassed for getting their asses kicked by the Replicators...

... but really, how the hell could he not enjoy working with McKay of all people?... Rodney is the man, and will forever be the man...

His reactions to Hermiod were simply priceless, especially when he heard the Asgard not even bother to hide his sigh of McKay stupidity... His crouching during the transport into the hangar bay may have seemed weird at first, considering SG-1 has beamed people in and out of rooms countless times. But I suppose for him, the site to site transport thing was new, and he wasn't a fan of rematerializing in a desk, so... And the poor guy couldn't even hold his lunch in the F-302 with Sheppard. I know that 6 G's is a lot to take, so you gotta give props to the guy, and feel for the guy too, when he looked so dejected and disappointed at the Lt. Col. mocking him with the flight stick controls in the end...

Now personally, besides all the flashback scenes, if one thing took The Intruder down a notch? It was definitely the... umm... plot...

We've seen it all before. Or at least, long time Stargate SG-1 fans have at least... The whole situation reeked of season four's Entity, as McKay even references that episode to solve the viral problem in the end... And really, I find it fucking hard to believe that the Wraith of all people could design such an ingenious computer virus, a mutating one that an Asgard couldn't even figure out how to fight (unless he was actually rooting for it to win, like I said...)... Wraith technology is mostly biological. And unless they stole binary AI tech from the Ancients, I don't see how they could remotely infect a supposedly secure, alien computer system with a fucking intelligent computer entity...

Lt. Gaeta must've uploaded a damn computer virus past the software firewalls of the Daedalus, through the ZPM that Gaeta "conveniently" had in his hands back in SG-1's Moebius...

It's the only real, logical solution here. Networked computers are never a good idea against the motherfrakkin' Cylons...

And personally, after the SG-1 writers already got to mull over the countless faults in Entity from years ago (like, say, a bad plot?...), I was disappointed in the same damn solution being used again here... The computer virus hid itself from total system shutdown and back-up bootup, by compressing itself and hiding in a remote computer (in this case, the F-302 navigation computers)... But didn't the writers realize that the F-302's aren't the only place the virus can hide? Any of the network connected laptop or PDA computers on the ship could've been infected as well (unless they purged all those too). And hell, don't even nuclear warheads have a navigational computer or two?... the fucking Cylons should be smarter than just hiding out in one damn little fighter jet in space...

... I found it completely ridiculous that the Daedalus didn't destroy the fleeing F-302 right after beaming out Sheppard, considering it and its computer database could one day fall into Wraith hands...

... I mean, an AI controlled fighter jet, intent on killing everyone in sight?...

Yeah, I loved that dogfight at the end. I've always been huge fan of fighter jets in the past, and I'm not gonna be changing my ways anytime soon. Not even after seeing Stealth, I can tell you that... Sheppard did a hell of a lot of cool-ass moves in the F-302, as those things are far more maneuverable than Goa'uld Gliders and Wraith Darts it seems (though not nearly as durable as the former, and not nearly as fast as the latter). The turns and dips he did would've looked simply amazing with scenery in the background. And the sudden stop he pulled even wrenched my gut, after seeing McKay's reaction to it at least... Sheppard complained about the lack of inertia in the Puddle Jumpers, so he must be thrilled with the F-302's now. And his excitement about being back in the cockpit really did show in this episode, as I probably got more enjoyment out of his short tangent in a fighter dogfight this episode, than I probably ever did throughout The Siege (Part 3) last week...

And that's exactly why, Stargate Atlantis once again pulls in the reigns of the IvanFian best episode of the week award...

I mean, it's Hermiod and McKay!... it's Sheppard and Stealth!... and it's Dr. Weir with her fucking horrible wardrobe back...

The first half of the Island wasn't bad. Because just like with I, Robot last year, the actual premise behind the story ain't half bad...

In a Blade Runner kind of world, clones are grown and taught and kept around like children, despite all the laws of 2015 that prohibit cloned beings from ever attaining consciousness...

It was just so messed up, that I swear I was watching two completely separate movies...

In the first half, everything was slow and subtle and nicely paced... You had Ewan McGregor getting dazzled by a moth from the airducts. And you had Michael Clarke Duncan screaming like a baby with his liver cut out, an effective but small part that the actor had... You had cute little scenes of Lincoln Six Echo and Scarlett's Jordan Two Delta holding hands against the rules, as the two crazy kids were still too young and naive to know what god-awful PG-13 sex scenes were...

Steve Buscemi was absolutely the glue that kept the first half of the movie together as a whole... We as an audience pretty much all knew what Steve knew, and what he couldn't tell his friend Lincoln. I mean, how on earth could you ever tell your close friend that his organs are gonna be harvested for a guy he's never even met outside of the mirror?...

Buscemi didn't have a lot of scenes. But just like with Armageddon, he stole every single moment he had... The poor guy couldn't even get a good dump in on the can, without Lincoln barging in to join in on the fun. And Steve's character, whatever he was called, actually brought forth a decent and enlightening conversation about clones and copies and such and such on the comfy coach... The actor explained it all in a way that didn't make the audience feel like five year olds. And he was so kind enough to lend Lincoln his credit card and cash, that I actually did feel bad when the character was killed off the cast with a bullet to the chest...

... of course, I also felt real bad, because that's about when the movie really started sucking ass... uggh...

Because right after that, Mr. Trevelyn (and yes, I'll never stop calling Sean Bean that) gives a ridiculously infantile speech about cloning and what he does at his facility... Not only was it all redundant with every frickin' thing that Steve Buscemi had already said, but Trevelyn said it in a way that made him seem like a goddam bad Bond villain, talking to rich infantile morons, moon-raking in the money... which I suppose he was, if Michael Bay actually does make a ton of money off this flick...

And after that? We got absolutely some of the most ridiculous action scenes I have seen from a fucking movie in years... and strangely enough, for once I don't mean that in a good way...

First, Lincoln absolutely destroys the highway, Bad Boys II style, using fucking dumbbells to fucking ring the bell... Subtle dig about the audience, perhaps? As if the movie couldn't get any dumber...

And then jet bikes? WTF?... So let me get this straight... Not only do Jet Bikes exist in just 2019. Not only does Lincoln Six Echo somehow race them as if he were a fucking pod racer for life... But he also can fly it up to the penthouse suites of skyscrapers, and fucking ram the bikes through from one side of the building to the fucking other, without even a fucking real scratch? WTF?...

And then after all that senseless carnage, he grabs onto the fucking logo of a building sign, gets that blown too to shit and smithereens... starts falling down 70 fucking floors of air, taking a fucking helicopter down with him... crashes the fucking building logo onto the streets where countless cars are smashed in two... And yet Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson are just completely fine in the end? WTF?...

Because I mean, there were just so many stupid ass WTF moments in The Island, that even I couldn't suspend my belief for this popcorn movie...

Why were there no security guards in the hologram room the first time Lincoln ran through it? Why were there no fucking security guards the second time Lincoln ran through it?... Why the fuck was Trevelyn stupid enough to take his hands off his gun, and fucking strangle Six Echo with his bare two hands? Why the fuck wasn't he smart enough to realize that edges of railings or whatever, along with actors of UK descent, are always his characters' one Achilles heel?...

I mean, getting hanged? Getting fucking hanged by his own fucking gun, while his security guards just sit and watch?...

... while fucking Neelix from Star Trek Voyager waddles his way to the Sun in his fucking tighty whities?...

... and don't get me even started on that fucking ex-Navy Seal guy, who just switches sides like a fucking light switch... uggh...

The action didn't just suck in The Island because it made absolutely no sense whatsoever. And it didn't just suck, because there's only so many massive explosions in a row you can take, before you just yawn when the next completely pointless one shows up a second later...

It's also just that, Michael Bay has fallen in love with the shaky cam shit that every shit director has fallen for lately. And really, how the fuck can I even enjoy a good gun fight scene, when the fucking camera is bobbing up and down, making me more sick than a bullet to the gut could've ever achieved in the first place?...

Without Steve Buscemi, the second half of the movie was pure shit... Seeing Ewan McGregor with nerdy glasses, trying to be all gungho with a gun in one hand and a bad Scottish accent in the other, was just simply ridiculous in the end... It would've been much funnier if he just played himself...

Except for maybe the rattlesnake encounter, was there even one bit of comic relief between every scream and shaky cam explosion?...

... even so... Ewan McGregor did help to make the first half of the movie into something decent enough in the end...

He actually asked some good questions to Sean Bean's character. Like, why does everyone wear white? And really, what the fuck is Tofu (and I refuse to believe it comes from Soya Beans... more like soya shit, really...)... I liked the whole running plot thing, that the clones retain some of their owners' memories. I knew where the boat from his dreams was coming from, but that didn't change the fact that Ewan really sold the fear and impact that his dreams had on him every single night...

The product placement was just god-awful in this film. Having Aquafina water on screen is one thing, but doing close-ups of the fucking bottle for five minutes straight next to the fucking Xbox sign, was definitely even worse than I, Robot's shoe shit last year... Still, Ewan definitely did have a bit of fun with that virtual fight arena. I would too, if I got to sweat it out with Scarlett Johannson on the other side...

And if there was anything to truly like about his character? It was the fact that Lincoln Six Echo, for the first half of the movie at least, was still rather gullible... I guess I perhaps did snicker a bit at his cluelessness to modern vernacular in the desert bar. And he just looked so damn happy when he saw that route 39 sign on the road, that I couldn't help but be contaminated by his infectious giddiness as well...

But really, WTF happened to our little lovable child in the second half of the film?... First, he willing kills a ton of mercenaries with that Bad Boys II shit on the highway. Without any sign of remorse, of course... Then, he willingly just lets his owner die at the barrel of a bullet, without giving a damn about the fact that his fucking 'father' or whatever, was now in a fucking body bag... And then at the end, Lincoln is still fucking giddy that he hanged Trevelyn by the noose, as if a dozen Bonds before him haven't done the same in some other movie or whatever... Lincoln just can't get enough of kicking ass, taking names, and fucking murdering everyone he meets on the streets, now doesn't he?...

I agree with the actress though. She should've done that sex scene naked, as the fucking bra and panties ruined the whole fucking notion and motion of actual sex... And her hair was just not right this movie. It was way too sexed up, as if keeping it straight and fine wasn't good enough for all the horny teens that Michael Bay always misses the mark in the ass... Her chemistry with Ewan was cute at the start, when they were like playground children holding hands and sharing cuties. But once she got her full horny groove on, she became a domineering bitch who's good nature was simply lost in goddam translation...

Sean Bean was just a ridiculous villain. I mean, he was so goddam two-dimensional, that not once did he ever stop and consider the ramifications of his actions... He just wanted every clone dead. And he didn't care how it was done, or whether it was actually moral or not...

Now, I suppose a person like him can exist in the real world. Afterall, abortion is still approved by even my own goddam sister, since people don't consider others as real people, unless those people walk and talk right to their fucking faces... so killing clones to save our own hides ain't so far off in the end...

Trevelyn does bring up a good point though... We as a total society would never allow ourselves to murder sentient beings that talk, and think, and act just like we do. So he just tells the world a lie, that the clones are all brain-dead vegetables, rather than the ones eating all the vegetables in an underground bunker every single day... fucking tofu shit... I'd rather meet the cows I eat in my fucking burgers, thank you very much...

Now to me, it doesn't really make much sense that organs would just fail and die if the person isn't conscious, like the plot in The Island seems to suggest. But it is a decent thought for a five second philosophical session sometime, whether the organs would ever truly be healthy, without a healthy mind in tow with it...

Sean Bean feeds all the residents of his underground world with both food and hope, to keep them fit and strong and always prepared to leave for death at the Island (where I assume they get lulled into unconsciousness, by watching Leo DiCaprio's fucking The Beach or something... I wouldn't want to live after that, but I digress...)... While I seriously doubt that feeding all those assholes every day really does cost less than just quickly cloning organs for immediate transplant, I must admit that it is a possibility that one day in the future, a keen businessman might break the laws of society just like Bean did...

The Island represents hope for all the clones in the facility... it gives them purpose, and I do believe that people need purpose...

Because just like I, Robot, The Island ain't completely a moronic tale... there are some decent thoughts in there, with some decent acting from Ewan McGregor at least (and Scarlett looks nice, I guess... I'd rather watch five seconds clips of her from Ghost World, though...)...

... I mean seriously, the only way you could possibly truly delight in it? Is if in your head, you hear nothing but sex and echoes six...

Now, as a popcorn movie, I guess I didn't really mind The Island while watching it in theatres...

Fantastic Four has fundamentally altered my view of the entire movie industry...

And yeah, just to get them out of the way first, Fantastic Four definitely did feel the brunt of the power of the pun all over the place...

"4get about this movie. If I were one of the writers, I'd be feeling naked and wishing I were invisible right about now..."

With that out of the way, let me state for the record, that Fantastic Four was definitely not nearly as bad as all the critics were making it out to be...

Because yes, compared to such classics as the X-men films, the Spiderman films, and especially Batman Begins, Fantastic Four should be ashamed to be shown in the same goddam theatres...

The script in Fantastic Four was awful, just awful... There were just so many lameass jokes made by Johnny Storm about The Thing, that I couldn't help but keep rolling my eyes at how goddam cliche they were all getting... The crushing of the Porsche 9/11 was a cool moment, simply because it was a Porsche. But the fire fight that occurred afterwards was just plain grating, as superheroes acting like children and having to be separated by hero made of rubber, just doesn't seem to work outside of the Pixar movies...

Reed Richards was played with about the same amount of conviction as the role of Lancelot was back in King Arthur. Meaning, none at all... The guy got some Reed Richards kind of techie crap to say from time to time. But most of his script was just plain crap, all joined together by bland montages of him working on some sort of contraption that not only can take away their powers, but apparently can bring them back as well... There are never any explanations behind the science in the movie. And there's never even a real explanation why the people in the city seem to love the Fantastic Four, instead of just freaking out from their powers once they busted up that bridge and all...

The Thing was used completely for comic relief in the film. And when a character like The Thing becomes a bigger joke than the CG version of The Hulk, then you know things don't bode well for the movie... The absolute worst part of the plotline of the story came from The Thing's lovelife. He gets dumped by his wife for turning hideous (as if the bald asshole wasn't ugly as fuck in the first place), a wife that he claimed to love with all his heart. And then he suddenly starts dating a blind chick he picks up in a bar a couple days later? WTF?...

Johnny Storm was decent as the Human Torch. But his sister was right - he was just a fad, and his antics went stone cold by the umpteenth time he tried to show off, as he just came off like some punk'd Ashton Kuchter wannabe in the end... The skiing scene was alright, if only because that girl he was with sure looked horny when he was on fire. And yeah, the nurse was a bit hot, although that scene went absolutely nowhere as well... But when it came to extreme biking or whatever? When it came to his awful naming of the Fantastic Four? The comedy always ended up falling flat, as even the car drag race scene (or lack thereof) didn't have the comedic punch to be anything but grating on the nerves...

Now, normally I'd complain like hell about Susan Storm. If she was played by any other actress than Jessica Alba, at least...

The actress wasn't convincing at all as a geneticist. Did she even have a single techie line whatsoever?... And she had absolutely no chemistry with Lancelot whatsoever. It made absolutely no sense in the first place, that the guy would ever ditch a girl that fucking hot... It also made no fucking sense, that a girl as fucking hot as Jessica Alba is, would be a geneticist without fifteen guys all over her at once... her brother included, of course...

But hey, it's Jessica Alba. How can I really complain?... Sure, she's an awful actress. But she looks damn hot with that blonde hair of hers. And absolutely damn fine with that ass as well... I have two weaknesses for women: glasses and hats. And she pulled them both off gloriously in the film, one scene after another, as she looked absolutely smoking to me with those spectacles in the lab...

Now as for Cole?... or Dr. Von Doom, as I should probably call the Charmed reject...

I'm sorry, but he was just awful, plain and simple... What the hell was Dr. Doom's plan anyhew? To block traffic? Because that's really all he really did... He didn't seem to even care about Susan Storm after he started learning about his new powers. And Viktor didn't even seem to care about Reed Richards after a while as well, which completely contrasts against what the Dr. Doom character has always been about... What were his fucking motives? And why did he just sit around for 3/4 of the movie, doing absolutely nothing but plucking metal strands out of his hair?...

Now, I never cared about Dr. Doom's origins much, considering I never cared much for the FF comics. So yeah, so what if the movie absolutely destroyed one of the deepest characters in Marvel? Since a magical momma's-boy with a bunch of robotic clones, ain't exactly the best way to introduce a super villain in a two hour summer movie... and at least he helped produce a rather interesting space scene, although it made absolutely no sense whatsoever that he'd be up there in the station...

But besides the introduction, couldn't the writers at least have given us some decent action then? I mean, the final battle was all over way too quickly... One moment, the guy is freezing Mr. Fantastic with some fantastic freezing shit (bringing back lovely memories of Mr. Freeze from Batman and Robin, might I add...). The next, he's firing a heat seeking rocket to his own voice of "mwahaha"... and right after that? We get pretty much the most cringe worthy line in the entire fucking movie...

... sadly... I'd actually rather hear the latter... as Fantastic Four just had the absolute worst script, and the worst final battle sequence I've seen in a comic book movie in quite a long while...

But I mentioned the overall movie wasn't so bad, right? So what was actually good about it?...

Sure, the final battle sucked. The two hour movie had built all the way up to just a ten minute confrontation in the streets... of course I'd be disappointed in that...

But as an origins movie, Fantastic Four didn't do such a bad job with the discovery of all their individual powers...

Mr. Fantastic stretching out to save the firefighters was a nice tribute to the campiness of the comic books. And The Thing causing all that destruction, all because he tried to save a guy from committing suicide, was one of the more subtle comedy bits that actually weren't so bad in the end... It made no sense that huge explosions would happen on the bridge and all, but at least it showed off a cool ass CG sequence with the Human Torch... And honestly, who here at least didn't get on the edge of their seat (men and women alike, I hope...) at the tease of Jessica Alba getting nude to get invisibly, incredibly naked?...

That whole scene was alright. And hell, even the montage moments of Jessica Alba, expressing her babyface angst towards stupid Lancelot with her force field projections, made for a decent enough first forty minutes of the movie at least...

Because contrary to popular critical belief, Fantastic Four was not a complete, shit-asstastic disaster in its own right...

Sure, Fantastic Four may not have quite put the "fun" in fundamental like I had hoped it would...

... and it can't even begin to compare to the AAA comic book movies of the past few years, but?...

I know I haven't been the biggest proponent of Battlestar Galactica over the past year or so...

It was like all the characters who made the first season of the show into something memorable, were cast aside in favour of all the secondary characters I've conditioned myself to goddam ignore... and for good reason...

Col. Tigh is just completely useless without a bottle in his hands. He's a stern upper lip guy, who we all obviously can tell doesn't want to be, and doesn't belong in command... This is the episode where he tells this truth, right to Adama's face (even if the old man can't hear it). This was the episode where Col. Tigh tells the entire CIC that the Battlestar Galactica will be Adama's ship until the day he dies. And both of these moments, were quite in line with what I've come to expect with the character... so they weren't that out of place...

But oh dear God, when it came to all the flashbacks? Talk about fucking campy out of the fucking ears... I can't honestly believe that James Olmos didn't crack up, wearing that wig and mustache on his face. And I can't believe how dumbass Captain Tigh looked like with hippie hair on top, as even the beer bottle in his hands couldn't save those scenes from mediocrity at best... If those flashback moments were taken with a grain of salt, and were supposed to provide comic relief, then maybe I'd approve. But since those scenes were rather meant to be fucking dramatic instead?... then, well... the episode did feel a bit lost in the end...

Adama really didn't do much. He just bled and bled in the present, and looked like he was going to ball out in laughter in all his flashback scenes... Madame President was simply there to look all concerned for Apollo, like a mother would for a son. And I was glad she kept her Kobol mouth shut for the most part... Of course, she ruined things when she stared praying with that wussy security guard outside of her cell. Her goddam speeches to the Gods are what ruined her character in the first season, and was ruining a perfectly decent space battle in Scattered...

Apollo wasn't bad this episode. It's just that, he didn't have much to do... The actor put a hell of a lot of emotion into the moment, where he was dragged apart from his dying father at the start. But after that, he just seemed hollow as Apollo, just drifting around in shock, yet not in shock at the same damn time?... Heh, he even seemed a little bored while fighting against the Cylons in the cockpit. Maybe his mind was preoccupied then? With Lee thinking of his father, and the actor thinking of his wife... If you didn't know, Jamie's wife played the medic in this episode. And she did a pretty decent job too, so I wouldn't mind her back... It just sucks for Apollo though, when his acting is fucking upstaged by a random medic character played by his wife...

Over on Kobol, I seriously couldn't stand anything going on over there... Chief Tyrol and Crashdown were both acting like babies, whining about who was in charge and who's fault every mistake was... Why is it that Tyrol is always right about everything, and Crashdown acts like he has down syndrome, or some shit like that? Crashdown was never really an idiot before he landed on Kobol, and I fail to see the point of making him into a complete dunce in command... Is it supposed to show his fallacies under pressure or something? Or is it just some sad soap opera tack-on, when it comes to Boomer sitting over there in sickbay... or she was, last time Tyrol checked at least...

I for one, was just glad that the Legalos-lookalike bit the dust from a fucking bullet... but maybe, that's just me...

Number Six was barely in the episode. Which absolutely sucked, since after so many months, I really needed a good fix of a hot blonde stripping... Gaius Baltar meanwhile offered absolutely nothing to this episode. I mean, the last thing I wanted to see from his character, was Dr. Baltar becoming all confused and "touched" and fucking humble on the small screen... This is not what I signed up to watch. I want the old cocky son of a bitch that became my hero, not the wussified Tin Man bitch with a human heart... All he did this episode, was hallucinate about making babies. I mean seriously, what is it with babies on Sci-Fi Friday this week?...

Helo played the pussy-whipped, Days of Our Cylon Lives guy again, protecting his supposed baby at all costs... Now, I would like to comment about Kara Thrace, considering the actress is one of the highlights of the entire series. But now that she's been relegated to B-story Caprica status, thanks to fucking Madame President? Well, Kara's barely worth my time anymore... She only had one goddam scene in the entire episode. And all she ended up doing, was having another mental breakdown with that pistol in her hands... She got to frak up the place with a bunch of soap operaish talk of evil bitches lying about pregnancy. But that's about it... Seriously, what else did she do? How many words did she even get to say? Did she even have one decent moment in Scattered?...

There were only two decent scenes in the entire episode, and they both belonged to the ever graceful, Grace Park... She barely said a word while Kara was swinging her gun in the Cylon's face. But quite frankly, I prefer Grace Park having no lines, considering she just looks so sweet with her babyface just sweating there, with no words coming out of her mouth to distract me... The other decent scene in the episode was obviously the interrogation one. It was short, but definitely made a point... Col. Tigh got to look tough with a few backhands he learned as a wife beater. And poor Boomer looked terrified at what she was, and was almost welcoming another bullet to the head... That was quality acting, if you ask me. But it was a short scene, and one scene alone is not enough to save a fucking, frakkin' whole episode...

Then again, the battle scene near the end was decent... Sure, it was ruined by our weekly scheduled, fucking prayer to the Gods with Ms. ID4-is-better-than-War-of-the-Worlds, but still... The Cylon transport ship was of a weird but decent design. And I loved how all the Cylon Raiders parked in the basestar, like punch-cards coming out of a wall... And the whole software firewall thing? Yeah, it was slightly dramatic... Sure, I still don't get why networking three damn computers with just cables (and not wireless) would allow hacking to take place. But I'll give the benefit of the doubt to the Cylons and futuristic technology, anyhew...

Now, as for Lt. Gaeta... Is it me, or is it becoming too damn obvious that he's a Cylon, almost as if he's now the red herring on the series or something?... He got the spotlight in Scattered over Dr. Baltar, and it painfully showed off just how goddam semi-evil he was...

First, he makes his partner in CIC leave, so that he could split the Battlestar Galactica from the rest of the fleet after the jump all by himself. Then, he comes up with the oh-so-convenient idea to network all the key computers on the Battlestar together, opening the mainframe up to Cylon virus attacks... While the mission's success supposedly was supposed to convince us that Gaeta ain't such a bad guy afterall, if you're quick enough, you would've noticed that right before he pulled out those network wires (and noticed he sort of took his time doing so...), the last firewall screen turned red... But it's just all too damn obvious for Lt. Gaeta. He can't be a Cylon then, if he walks and talks like a Cylon, now can he be?...

It was an average Battlestar Galactica episode... which automatically makes it the worst of Sci-Fi Friday...

But when it came to the actual character development, the one thing that Battlestar Galactica actually does better than all the rest?...

... with three running plot scenarios, and all the key characters out of commission?...

... the episode just felt more like a mid-season show, than it ever did a stellar season premiere...

... it was just all so scattered all over the place, for it's own frakkin' good...

Y2kk Update: - Stargate SG-1: Avalon (Part 1) and Stargate Atlantis: The Siege (Part 3) Reviews (Spoilers...) -

It's been a long time coming, but Sci-Fi Fridays are finally back on the small screen...

... with the two Stargate series being the crown jewels and Holy Grail of the lot, in my honest opinion at least...

Stargate SG-1 ended its disastrous last season with a bit of potential, as Reckoning and Threads both did kick ass...

And Stargate Atlantis? Need I really say more?... as the series was so unbelievably remarkable in its incarnation season, that my expectations for its second one were and still are simply off the chart...

I suppose that Stargate SG-1's Avalon (Part 1) was decent... decent enough, give my expecatations at least...

The series writers tried to retool and remake the show into something new, something fresh, now that both the Goa'uld and Richard Dean Anderson are sadly out of the way...

But really, did they really have to relaunch the show as Farscape SG-1? Because I really fucking hated Farscape back in its time, and I certainly am finding now that some things just never change...

Ben Browder as Lt. Col. Cameron Mitchell did alright, I guess... A lot of fans have been complaining that he's already become Major Sheppard lite, who was already Richard Dean Anderson lite in the first place... But in my honest opinion? If anything, Mitchell is not enough like Sheppard or O'Neill yet to keep my interests. Every time Browder makes a sarcastic witty comment, like the "bullets bounce" one, the joke just bounces right back in his face, as the delivery of his lines are all just so wooden... that it almost makes me feel like I'm watching a Star Wars prequel movie or some shit like that...

Claudia Black return as Vala was decent, considering she does provide the only sexual comic relief in the series. And I definitely did snicker at a few of her comments, like "let's make babies", and when she was disappointed with having sex with Daniel or whatever... She looked good in a hospital get-up, I'll give her that. But her leather-clad outfit just turned me completely off, for some damn reason... Also, her sex jokes got old real fast. There's only so many you can take, before they become predictable and boring... I still grin at the chin at some of her inside jokes though, like mentioning to Mitchell that they've never really met. And I suppose the "limited gene-pool" comment still makes me roll around in laughter, considering how many times I've sadly read Browder vs Michael Shanks arguments on the net... But still, there's only so many inside jokes she can pull off before those become predictable too... and then what would we really be left with?...

Some new elements were introduced into the series... Beau Bridges came in to replace General Hammond and Richard Dean Anderson. And I know General Landry was meant to be wry and everything... But every single one of his jokes fell flat right on its face, as the guy was nothing more than boring and dry... His voice was so monotonous, that it nearly put me to sleep. And trying to be a hardass against Mitchell in their first scene wasn't doing anyone any favours, considering the show has gotten long past two generic military types way back in its first season... Landry just had no chemistry with anyone on the cast. Even his chess match with RDA felt off and out of place... although I guess that had more to do with General O'Neill departing than anything else...

... sigh... the show just won't be the same without Richard Dean Anderson. He was truly the glue, the focus, and the fucking producer of the fucking show... It was sad to see him go in Avalon. The real problem though was, it was even sadder to think that this was his final performance (or one of his last) on the show... RDA tried to look sad and poutty in his chess match, about selling his house and stuff. But that's not the RDA we've come to know and love, as he didn't even try to make a sarcastic witty comment. Hell, he even ended up sounding smart with his Douglas quotes and all, something he really hasn't done since season one or two... And his hospital scene? I don't know, but he never really interacted with Mitchell like he did with Sheppard, so somehow it didn't really feel like he was passing the torch... More like passing the buck really, as I can only imagine the show can go downhill from here...

And WTF did Sci-fucking-Fi do to the starting credits? For eight fucking years, we had classic Stargate SG-1 music... and now, we get a fucking wormhole-Xtreme-worthy clip at best? WTF is wrong with the fuckers?... uggh...

... but still, as always, there are still elements of Stargate SG-1 that keep pulling me back...

Teal'c didn't do or say much this episode, like always. But it made sense that he would return to his people, and help form a government. It actually made sense that he would leave SG-1, considering he knew the Goa'uld were barely a threat... But if there is a new threat on the series? It's definitely got to be the Jaffa, right?... Unlike the Goa'uld, they are unified. They are also the most technologically advanced race in the galaxy, and control more planets together than any single Goa'uld ever did... But the Jaffa are also aggressive, and finally in a position to attain the power they never could before. If there will be any true enemy to the Stargate team this season and to Tea'c, it'll be the Jaffa... and that new kind of edgy feeling is definitely worth watching season nine for sure...

Carter was missing in action. And contrary to popular belief, she did not look hot with her hair all sexed-up like that on the monitor screen... But Amanda Tapping is on maternity leave, or was for the taping of the first five episodes of the ninth season. So really, I can't complain... Let's make babies, I always say. And it's nice that a kind hearted woman like her finally got to, you know... have hot sex and make babies...

Michael Shanks has just got to lose the beard. Sure, I know that if you mess with the 'fro, you've got to go. But he's got to go, if he thinks he can get away with looking all badass scruffy like that... Still, I absolutely loved his performance in Avalon, considering Daniel Jackson was back to his nerdy self. I just can't help laughing during his presentation of Merlin and Avalon in the briefing room, as he had to talk insanely fast since nobody was giving a damn what he was talking about... yet he kept on ranting and rambling on anyhew. You gotta give him kudos for that...

Shanks had nice chemistry with Vala again, as the pillow scene was probably the funniest gag the actor has done in quite a while. And yes, the Prometheus did bring back decent memories, as the place where Vala nicely beat him with a fire extinguisher and all... And if anyone helped ease Ben Browder into his role, it was definitely Shanks. Mitchell was just boring as hell while trying to get Daniel to stay on the base instead of going to Atlantis, but the scene was saved when Daniel woke up the moment with his apartment key... and of course, once again, we got that lovely and interesting comment about the "limited gene-pool" on our fair planet... That at least made Mitchell worthwhile to be on screen for at least a minute or two...

But still, there were just two reasons why I still enjoyed Avalon (Part 1) for what it was...

One, we got more action sequences from the battle over Antarctica... It kinda sucked that Mitchell was such a pussy in that fight, getting his ass kicked and everything. But damn, if only Atlantis didn't upstage SG-1 an hour later, I would claim that the battle against the Goa'uld was one of the best battle sequences I've seen in a long time...

And second? If only because Daniel Jackson finally got to be his nerdy self again, I did enjoy the Avalon aspects of the whole episode... The writers certainly did their homework, even mentioning that the sword in the stone was not Excalibur like most would expect. And it's always great to see Michael Shanks as an actor, so interested and engulfed in his role... I for one may not like the fact that Merlin, a guy from only 1000-1500 years ago, was perhaps an Ancient living amongst earth. But still, I've always been a big fan of Arthurian mythology...

... and if anything, the ninth season of Stargate SG-1 has just to be at least better than that King Arthur movie, right?...

... or better than Stargate's eighth season at least... though that's definitely not saying much...

Now, don't get me wrong... Stargate Atlantis' The Siege (Part 3) was definitely a great episode, at least on par if not better than The Siege (Part 1)...

... but after such a completely amazing first season? And after The Siege (Part 2) completely blew me away?... then yeah, the episode was just a tiny bit of a disappointment for me... given my incredibly high expectations and felicitations and all...

The episode did feel a bit mechanical. The plot just jumped from A to B to point C, with some clever jokes and CG sequences in-between. Somehow, the flow and the pacing of the episode just didn't feel as natural as I've come to expect from the series... And also, there was no real resolution to the episode. As soon as the place was nuked and the Wraith left for really no apparent reason whatsoever, the episode just suddenly came to a close... It was all a bit too rushed, especially in comparison to Rising from last season, which had a great resolution with the lemon chicken party and everything...

And WTF did they do to the fucking intro? I've had the fucking Stargate Atlantis theme song stuck in my fucking head for an entire fucking year, and how does the Sci-Fi channel repay me? By tearing my beloved introduction sequence to shreds, and replacing it with fucking commercial time? WTF?!?... uggh...

But on the whole, The Siege (Part 3) was definitely a great episode. And without a shadow of a doubt, won the best episode of the week award from me...

Dr. Weir was mostly useless in the episode. But yeah, I felt maybe a bit of chemistry between her and Major Sheppard when they hugged and gushed and everything. And was it just me, or did anyone else get turned on when she said "I love this plan", as if she was a hot porn actress or something, agreeing to a lesbian threeway?... or maybe, that's just me...

Teyla once again got to be actually useful for once, using her powers to trick the Wraith into leaving Atlantis alone... Now, personally I thought it was completely idiotic that the Wraith didn't fire at least a satellite beacon to watch over the planet or something. But that was no fault of Teyla's, at least... I also liked how spunky the girl was when she found McKay with his clip on the floor. She seemed to be playfully mocking him, after saving his life so effortlessly at least... And yeah, I noticed that she was the one who talked Ford down from strangling the poor doc. That would've given me hope, that she and her lovely Wraith genes could make Wraith babies with Ford one day... but then I learned what the fuck will happen to Lt. Ford this season...

Yeah, Rainbow Sun Francks got essentially fired from the show. I expected that at least he could do the Asgard's voice or something, and yet he wasn't even thrown a bone like that... Still, for a farewell present, Lt. Ford was actually interesting for one of the few times in his entire career. He was basically suped up on drugs, needing his Muchmusic dose of E talk to keep feeling strong and forceful and whatnot... It wasn't a bad idea, to turn Ford into a Phantom of the Opera looking badass or something. It was just dumbass to replace him on the show though... It didn't make sense that he could fly the Puddle Jumper (unless he got the gene therapy sometime after Hot Zone). And it doesn't make sense why the writers wouldn't want to keep the Ford storyline going strong this season, when finally the actor has something to do... and did it surprisingly well, might I add...

Dr. Beckett was great as always. He was freaked out as hell from the Asgard transporter, and it's always nice to see characters on the show freak out from magical tech we've become so accustomed to... He tried his best to talk down Ford from leaving with the enzyme, and got a bullet near his face to show for it. That scene showed a lot of the actor's range and skills, which leads me to believe that it was definitely a nice choice to bring the Scotsman (or Canadian... whatever...) on as a regular on the show... I just wish Janet Frasier was given that same chance before she went kaput too...

Stargate Atlantis has always been great when it comes to reoccurring guest stars, and The Siege (Part 3) was definitely no exception... Dr. Zelenka is just an absolute hoot whenever he's with McKay. And the two of them bantering over the easy and "hard part" of the cloaking idea, literally had me snorting milk at my goddam screen... Col. Everett was sadly and grossly underused. But it was nice that he sucked crow and actually apologized to Sheppard in the short time he had. And Sheppard showed a lot of respect back with that firm salute, something I haven't seen or really felt in Stargate in a very long time...

Novak was slightly annoying, but much more endearing than she ever was as the hiccup girl in Prometheus Unbound... And Hermiod, the Asgard on board? Poor messenger of the Gods bastard looked depressed with his job, relegated to helping out lowly humans (a race that only Thor seems to love) and cursing beneath his breath at how barbarically we were using Asgard transporter technology... heh, all fair's in love and war, of course...

And The Siege (Part 3) introduced Col. Caldwell as commander of the Daedalus. He was just a stiff upper-lip man, who unlike Everett, actually listened to counsel and advice. Sure, it was weird to see him without the cigar or anything, but I think his stance and personality will clash nicely with Sheppard's recklessness in later episodes... Plus, completely unlike anyone who's ever commanded the Prometheus before, Caldwell actually seemed like he knew what the fuck he was doing on the bridge...

Dr. Rodney McKay was once again the absolute, fundamental core of the episode. And nearly every single one of his lines proved just why he is the man of the hour... I didn't laugh at the dropped clip scene, considering the moment was meant to be tense (and comic relief doesn't always work 100%...). But damn, I can't help snickering at his vanity when he demanded his escorts to protect him with their very lives... He had so many great lines, like whispering in Atlantis when the city was under cloak, and curling in his bed with a nice sandwich while Wraith were still storming the castle gates... Sure, it made no sense why he would leave the ZPM unguarded in that room. But who the fuck cares, when finally we got our precious Rodney McKay back on the small screen?...

But The Siege (Part 3) did belong to Major Sheppard in the end... True, the actor was a bit mechanical in his role, listing off plans from the top of his head as if he had memorized it from a script sheet. I mean, the flow of the episode just felt off at times, whenever he suggested to use the transporter as a weapon or talk about making the city of Atlantis disappear...

Still, for every 'emotional scene', Sheppard was truly on the top of his game. He seemed terse but definitely relieved when he hugged Dr. Weir like that. And he definitely seemed to care about Ford, when he shot him in the back with the Wraith stunner at least... I didn't quite like the end of the episode, as Sheppard just staring at the Stargate just didn't feel resolved enough for my tastes. But really, the episode still kicked all sorts of ass anyhew... as Major Sheppard bossing around a Colonel on the bridge of the Daedalus, will definitely have sweet and sour repercussions in the future, I'm sure...

The plan to defeat the Wraith this episode wasn't so bad. Hiding the city and making it appear as if it self-destructed, wouldn't fool any decent human general. But eh, the Wraith have always been stupid, so a little nuclear mushroom cloud is always helpful here or there... I don't get why the nuke wouldn't leave radiation in the atmosphere for the next 1000 years. And I really don't get how a stealth generator from just a puddle jumper could extend its range to cover an entire damn city, but still... If there was anything I truly did love about this plan, as Dr. Weir so sexily stated? It's that every single member on the team got to contribute. It really felt like a team effort from a tightly nit community, and that's always what Stargate Atlantis has always been about... Not to mention the fact that I got to see a cool ass nuke explosion. Gotta have my fill of nukes...

And as a geek, you know me. I just love CG sci-fi sequences... As McKay was right - the bombardment of Wraith fire over the shield of Atlantis, really was beautiful. Sort of like the fourth of July, if I cared about the fourth of July, at least... That was sure one strong shield the Ancients got going there, even surviving a hundred kamikaze runs from the Wraith darts on approach without a flinch. And it all looked so dazzlingly beautiful, almost like rain pelting the windows of my house as the episode aired... well, a rain of fire at least. And really, how the hell can't I adore space battles of biblical proportions?...

The Battlestar Daedulus... as is it just me, or does it just look too much like the Battlestar Galactica for close comfort?...

Still, the episode kicked all sorts of ass, because the Daedalus kicked all sorts of ass...

Sure, I hated how the first siege of Atlantis lost all sort of suspense and tension, thanks to the battleship timely arriving to save the Sheppard day. I mean, the single Wraith hive ship left in orbit and the three remaining friggin' cruisers, couldn't even make a dent in the Daedulus' shields... But the second battle, where the Daedalus may have gotten its ass kicked, but still managed to hold its own against 12 friggin' Wraith Hive Ships? Then yeah, the geek in me just can't help but squeal in girlish delight... We finally got an explanation as to why the Prometheus and the Daedalus have no Asgard energy weapons. And I got to see a lot of Wraith ships get blown the fuck up by transported nukes, Kathryn Janeway style... a tactic that I've always been screaming at my Star Trek captains to just fucking use...

I love my nukes, afterall. And I love my Dr. Weir, Major Sheppard, Dr. McKay, and I guess Dr. Zelenka love triangle even more...

I've always loved Stargate Atlantis straight from the pilot episode. And I can only expect that things won't be changing for a very long time, now that I've already watched The Siege (Part 3) twice, and still want to watch it a third goddam time in a row...

It wasn't a perfect episode, like I had been so hyped for over the entire spring and summer break...

... as the Battlestar Daedalus could kick the Galactica's ass on not just Fridays, but any day of the week...

Y2kk Update: - Namco's Baten Kaitos: Eternal Wings and the Lost Ocean Nintendo Gamecube Review (Spoilers...) -

Now, for some damn reason, I've always had this sort of gullible weakness of an affinity for any sort of Japanese RPG...

... but even though it's been sitting in my collection for quite some time now? I just never had the urge to pick up Baten Kaitos and finally pop it into my Gamecube...

One, stupidly enough, was the name... because the name of Baten Kaitos is just so stupid sounding, that it actually is kinda funny...

I'm a Maverick really, rebelling against goddam card games of any form of geeky nature...

I've never been into Magic. And I've never gotten into any other type of Western card game crap when I was growing up either...

So how the hell could I have ever predicted, that I would enjoy Baten Kaitos so damn much in the goddam end?...

I mean, a card RPG... a card RPG?... an RPG where you don't have definitive attack, defense, and magic options?...

Instead, you're given a pack of cards. You can select which cards you want to bring into battle with you, whether they be offensive, defensive, healing, or just plain magical... But during battle, card selection is random. The hand you hold is completely different from the order of cards in your deck... And once you use up every card in the deck? The game reshuffles everything, and the dice are rolled yet again...

I put 56 hours into this game. Fifty-six fucking hours of my life into an RPG...

That's not to say that I loved Baten Kaitos, as strange as that sounds... The game definitely had its fair share of countless flaws, most of them unforgivable (which explains my score), which I'll get into a little later on...

But nonetheless, I just love my Japanese RPGs, for some damn reason... especially those made by Namco...

Baten Kaitos was the second and perhaps last RPG that Namco will ever release for the Nintendo Gamecube...

First, I'll get the combat flaws out of the way... because there was a hell of a lot of them...

WTF is up with the difficulty in this game? Baten Kaitos was perhaps the hardest RPG I've played in years, battle wise at least. I can't even begin to recall how many times I died in this game... The first time was from that spider thing near the start though. I remember that at least... I also remember thinking that Guocomo (or whatever his name was) on the ship was one of those invincible bosses you can't beat or something. Until after he finally beat my ass down, and the game actually told me fucking game over... WTF?...

It wasn't just that battles were extremely damn hard in Baten Kaitos, but that they took so damn long to finish in the end as well... Thanks to the random nature of the deck shuffles and everything, I would be stuck with a completely defensive hand for about three or four turns in a row sometimes. I wouldn't be able to attack the enemy whatsoever, all because I had no damn offensive cards to use... And thanks to this? Battles raged on for so damn long, that I literally just left my controller lying on the floor, bored as hell because there was nothing I could really do while the enemy was attacking... I remember getting so damn pissed after losing that first battle with Guocomo, Ayme, and that other guy, all at once. And why?... because I had spent a goddam half an hour on that one battle alone, only to be goddam killed because the damn dice didn't roll my way... WTF?...

Uggh... this was the hardest RPG I've played in years, bar none... Sure, I remember having to level up at times in Tales of Symphonia, since some bosses there were a challenge. But Baten Kaitos was the first RPG in a very long time, where I would level up ten levels or something on the side, just to make sure that I was at the damn boss' experience level when I finally end up meeting them... And yet I still managed to lose a ton of battles! Fatass Geldoblame kicked my ass with his damn instant kill move. And I don't even want to begin on Fedroh, or whatever that asshole's name was... I got my ass kicked so damn badly by him, that I left and leveled up experience for four damn hours, just to get ready to face him again... and yet he still managed to kick my ass the second time around... WTF?...

With that said though, battles in Baten Kaitos were surprisingly refreshing. And refreshingly rewarding, actually... Yes, sometimes lady luck doesn't favour me, and I end up with horrible hands with no offensive cards whatsoever. But there were also those times, where fortune favours the bold, and I end up pulling off 9-hit combos, searing off as much as 3000HP from an enemy thanks to all the poker combinations of straights and pairs... Now, I wish that Namco had implemented some real poker shit, like straight flushes or even straights that didn't have to go numerically in order. But even with just the simple pairs and triples and straights that they've included in Baten Kaitos, it's amazing what kind of extra strategy is brought forth into the game, by just the little numbers on the tops of the cards you play...

And for the most part, I just loved the art direction and enemy designs in Baten Kaitos. A ton of the bosses were cool as hell to battle against, as Geldoblame looked like a giant jello monster, and Fedroh ended up looking like everyone's favourite Cyclops... A ton of the regular enemies had stunning designs, the kinds of which you'll never be able to find in a Western RPG, even to this day. I mean, take the giant boars or brutes or whatever in the Cor Hydrae area for example, as their fire breathing designs are simply too kickass to possibly ignore...

Sure, I got bored of constantly watching the same damn magical animations play out in every battle, making bosses last more than half a goddam hour at times. But there's no denying that Baten Kaitos is an absolutely beautiful game, perhaps even more stunning than Namco's own Tales of Symphonia at times... The magical effects are sharp and crisp and bright and beautiful, the kind of which that puts almost every RPG on the PS2 to shame. And the backgrounds, while admittingly static, are just jaw-dropping to witness whenever there's a waterfall or a lush garden ripe for the pickings of that apple in your eye... Yeah, I admit that most of the overworld characters weren't designed very well on screen, and their animations are no more fluid than they would be on the SNES. But some characters didn't turn out so bad (Kalas and Melodia, for example), especially when they're soaring high on wings in 3D battle sequences...

Now, sound is a bit iffy... On the one hand, we had the most horrible voice acting I've heard in years. I mean, this is the kind of shit you'd expect from a bad Playstation game, really... Every voice sounded tinny, as if the game was still too large for a 2-disc Gamecube DVD set. And even worse yet, none of the voices really adhered to their roles... Kalas sounded bored and constipated most of the time. And Xelha was oddly both a dumb blonde bombshell, and a fucking bitch with a man's voice for good measure... Gibari had some of the worst scripted "cocky man" lines I have ever heard in an RPG. Lyude offered nothing special, except grating my ears with his "I don't deserve love" speech on the ghost ship. And Savyna had somehow even more of a man's voice than Xelha did (although this time, I suppose it was intentional)...

But Melodia was alright though. She was kinda sexy actually, with her completely whacked out taunting and maniacal laughs, followed by hot and horny disappointment and despair all the time. But that's besides the point... And the Great Mizuti? Well, at least she had some good script writing, and a voice that matched the mask. But two out of seven main characters, ain't exactly considered a success story...

What is a success story however, is the music. I was absolutely shocked by Baten Kaitos, as it has possibly one of the best overall soundtracks that I've ever experienced this entire generation of gaming... The battle music is campy and cheesy, but gets in your head after a while. Boss battles may not sound epic, but they worked the charm when it came to pumping me up for a long fight... And obviously, the main Baten Kaitos theme was just so orchestratingly wonderful, that it still sends a few chills down my spine. Sure, the tune was pretty much copied by Jade Empire later on, so the originality of it did feel a bit compromised, but...

If anything? Baten Kaitos just had that same kind of brilliant Asian charm, that the Shenmue series managed with its music. And considering I still hum the Shenmue theme song to this very day?... then yeah, well...

Short story short, every Japanese RPG is really just a mixture of three damn things...

... massive spoilers... for those actually willing to give Baten Kaitos a fighting chance...

The thing is, I knew a plot twist was coming. I saw it a mile ahead in Tales of Symphonia, and I thought I saw it coming here...

I mean, I knew Melodia would turn on me. That creepy, bitch of a voice during the narratives just sounded so much like hers, that it couldn't have just been a Metal Gear Solid coincidence...

But Kalas turning out to be the main enemy? My damn main character turning on me?... No, I didn't see that one coming. Otherwise, I wouldn't have overloaded him with all my good armour and equipment at the time of the goddam betrayal... goddammit...

I must say that up to that point, the plotline to the story was rather conventional for a Japanese RPG. But it was done extremely well, all things considered, even compared to the generic standards...

Kalas and his guardian spirit brought a sense of closeness to the character, that wouldn't have been possible if there weren't any chances to talk with the guy. Of course, none of the choices we got to make mattered in the end, but it still felt like a decent gesture nonetheless...

Now, his story at the beginning was simple and straight-forward, Shenmue-style, as all he seemed to want was revenge for his father's murder. But then we learned that he was a pawn of Melpercio, tricked into wanting power and freeing the ancient God from imprisonment. That part was cool... But after that? Uggh... we got shit about him being the chosen one, born from nothing but Magnus. We learned that he has his brother, the divine child, up his ass somewhere... And fucknabbit, he chose Xelha in the end? Goddammit, Melodia was always much hotter than that other bitch will ever be...

I hated Xelha. I hated, I hated, I fucking hated that bitch... Not only did her high pitched, whiny man's voice grate on the nerves. But the damn blonde never really contributed to the story either... So what if she was the Ice Queen of Wazn? Besides getting me the white dragon to ride on, all she did was pout that Kalas was evil, and refuse to kill the son of a bitch when she had the chance with the Ocean's Mirror... And then at the end of the game, amidst a completely pointless battle when Geldoblame returned, we learned that she's the lost ocean. And then she suicides herself like any good Japanese would... And then she just comes back from the ocean, from a fucking seashell? WTF?...

At least Melodia had a cute voice... So what if she had died before, and was brought back to life as a sexy, horny zombie follower of Melpercio or whatever? So what if she was utterly clueless most of the time, just laughing it up as I kept whooping Melpercio's ass over and over again without taking a hit?... The thing is, I'd hit it. Melodia and not Melpercio, I mean... She had that kind of baby, butter face that just screams out that she's a screamer. And she did scream a lot in this game... my only complaint with her storyline of pure evil, was that she wasn't pure evil. I mean, after giving up her soul to Melpercio to fully revitalize the god? Then she became a baby bitch in his womb, and eventually came back out with blue hair and a holy soul? WTF?... I was looking so damn forward throughout the game, of either fucking her in battle, or fucking her in bed. And then I didn't get the chance at either? WTF?...

Rounding out the rest of the cast... Gibari's rivalry with that other guy was a joke. Their fishing together was just lame, thanks to the complete ineptness of the script writing in that scene... Lyude was decent, remaining mostly quiet about his inner workings, until his goddam awful "love" speech on the goddam Ghost ship. I wish I had never gone there, and fucking burst a blood vessel from all the bad writing...

Savyna had one good moment: when she turned on the team, yet didn't really turn on the team. I had fun kicking her ass then, but that was about her only moment to shine... And the Great Mizuti? Eh, her voice was appropriate for a girl behind the mask, but all her lines were definitely not. Every single damn time Kalas or somebody made a comment about teamwork, the rest of the entire damn team would chime in a damn line. Especially Mizuti... wasting hours upon hours of gameplay clock ticking, thanks to just pressing the damn A button to continue goddam reading...

Right up to the Geldoblame battle in the volcano, the plotline wasn't bad. We had met a new character each step of the way, and the storyline was rather simple... Sure, I admit that it was hurting my brain like hell, to watch the damn team be stupid enough to collect all the End Magnuses for the enemy, and then tie it all in one neat little package for them. I mean seriously, have they never played an RPG before?... But then I was pleasantly surprised at the plot twist, as to why Kalas seemed to be doing all the enemy's work for them...

... but then that's when the storyline really became schizophrenically convoluted...

First, why on earth did each member of the team act as a lock to open up the gates for Melpercio? And why the hell did Kalas have to go back to the light side of the force, fucking falling in love with Xelha of all bitches?... Then that whole divine child thing came up, absolutely ruining Kalas' origins thanks to all the Matrix-like bullshit. And of course, then we got a running storyline of all the nations working together to break the shield around Cor Hydrae. Followed by some CG or whatever sequence, that took up an entire damn hour of my time...

Melodia wasn't a bad villain, but Melpercio was just damn embarrassing. I mean, how many damn times did I beat the motherfucker until Melodia finally wised up?... Ironically, for such a hard game, I never lost against Melpercio once. Not even in the final battle (although he was just about to kill one of my three characters before I kicked his ass...)... The storyline of the five gods wasn't bad, simply because I loved the art design and the musical soundtrack when it came to those shadows... But seriously, how the hell were we ever supposed to take them and Melpercio as a threat, when all he did was just stand there, laugh out "MWAHAHA", and get his ass kicked three damn times in a row?...

... end massive spoilers... not that anyone will ever play this game, mind you... if the NPD sales data shows anything, that is...

The plot in Baten Kaitos suffered a hell of a lot, mainly from bad dialogue, horrible voice acting, and a script that wouldn't make it past a high school Engrish teacher... I suppose that translation errors were also rampant, as Namco just didn't really give a damn about bringing Baten Kaitos over to North America... especially after such lacklustre Japanese sales and whatnot...

The game definitely had its fair share of flaws, even by RPG standards. I mean, boss battles took forever. And I felt fucked as hell whenever the cards in my hand didn't turn out in my favour... And WTF was with all the backtracking? Take the time right after the big betrayal for example, as I had to literally face a ton of old areas all over again with Xelha alone, wasting hours of my time fighting bad guys in goddam Celestial Trees, that no longer gave any goddam meaningful experience whatsoever...

But then I also remember such breath-taking sights as the Celestial Tree, the Cor Hyrae fortress, or even the damn ducks all sprawling across the innocent town of Celebrai or whatever... The thing is, Baten Kaitos was beautiful, in so many damn ways...

I never really gave the game a chance... It was a card game afterall. A motherfucking card game... How good could it possibly be?...

Tales of Symphonia still manages to outshine it. But still, there's really no godly shadow of a doubt...

... that even though there ain't much competition on the system to gauge it by?... still...

... and ranks right up there with the best RPGs I've ever played this entire generation of gaming, on any system really...

It's a shame Baten will never really turn into a successful series. It's a shame we may never get a true sequel on a Nintendo system either...

Sure, I will readily admit that Baten Kaitos: Eternal Wings and the Lost Ocean may have had a ton of glaring flaws...

... but still, it's just that?... if only more Mavericks and gamers like me had just given it a fighting chance?...

[c. visitors too bored to return...]
... best viewed in Internet Explorer 4 at 800 x 600 resolution, because that's what I still run at ...