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Y2kk Update: - Nintendo's / Vivarium's Odama Nintendo Gamecube Review (Spoilers...) -

Even if Battlestar Galactica is shit, oh how I wish I could be a badass such as him...

... but alas, I guess I'll have to settle for being the commander of the goddam Odama instead...

Not that that's such a bad thing, mind you. Considering Odama really is one of the more innovative titles that Nintendo has produced in recent years. Even if the concept is pretty much a bit too oddball (or pinball) for its own damn good at times...

It sounds really, really ridiculously weird on paper. In Odama, you play as a pinball machine in ancient Japanese times. You use the Odama pinball or whatever as your weapon, aiming it with the paddles or whatever you call those flipper things, at the opposing enemy targets to literally bowl over their armies. You get an army of your own in which you must aid through a gateway by taking out the other side with the Odama pinball, reinforcing your own lost troops with replacements, and barking orders to your men through the microphone. All new game copies of Odama come with a free microphone in hand, which surprisingly works better than any of the speech recognition I've tried elsewhere from Nintendo so far (especially on the DS, namely the Brain Training series)...

With the mic in hand, by holding down the X button in Odama, you can tell your troops commands like "advance", "push forward", and "flank and destroy". Your little army of Japanese pikmin samurai on screen will pretty much do whatever you say, as long as you don't shout your commands into the mic at super high pitched velocities or any crap like that. And it is a fun little diversion, to be able to dictate orders to your troops like any good Japanese general should. The only issue is, you really do feel like a moron by talking to a bloody hell video game of all things, all by your lonesome self (and in case, in my parents' basement...). I really would prefer the option to turn off the mic and be able to give orders through the controller instead, but so far I haven't found that option, if such an option even exists...

The concept of Odama is innovative enough, and truth be told, it's actually quite fun. I love flanking and destroying enemy troops, and I love striking the bell like a gong with my pinball to knock all those opposing forces flat on their backs from a sonic boom. The thing is though, like any pinball game in the past (except for perhaps Metroid Pinball), things get repetitive and boring real quick. There's only so many stages of having to open up dams or hitting specific targets to take out a bridge, that I can take before I either get annoyed at how hard this game is or get frustrated at just how damn mind-numbing it is to just play a goddam pinball game on a console controller...

... well, I mean, season one Adama at least (since he was a complete pussy in season two, but that's a story for another day)...

Because believe me, Odama is a frustratingly hard game. Ironically, Nintendo took the simple game of pinball and overcomplicated things to hell by setting it up as a war sim in medieval Japan. Odama could've worked well as a quirky Japanese DS game, but not as a full priced Gamecube title. Not with all its flaws and its final unpolished state, that is...

Even Tom Cruise in The Last Samurai would get his ass kicked by this Giant Crab of bullshit...

Sure, almost all pinball games in the past have been hair-pulling difficult at times, but at least in those, you don't really care for anything but your top score. In Odama, not only is it sometimes half impossible to consistently find and strike the targets you need to hit as mission objectives in each stage, but you get fucking time limits as bloody hell constraints as well. Didn't Nintendo learn anything from Pikmin, in which both challenge and frustration factors are ramped up by the tick of the goddam clock, for better and for worse? It definitely doesn't work so well here in Odama, where constant enemy troop reinforcements and the inaccuracy of your goddam pinball flippers, make for each and every stage into becoming a goddam chore...

Obviously presentation wise, Odama is just flat out pathetic. I know that there are at times hundreds of warrior samurai on screen at once, but did Nintendo really have to make each and every single one of them look like a PSOne Dynasty Warrior character at best? Didn't they prove with Pikmin that simplistic yet stylish conjured graphics can keep steady and satisfying framerates, even with hundreds of characters on screen? Couldn't the developers of Odama have gone that route instead of having houses and rivers and gongs with such blurry polygon counts, that it really does feel like I'm playing a goddam DS game? Hell, I think even Metroid Pinball looked and played better than this shit...

Then again, that's not to say I don't enjoy Odama for what it's worth. Sure, I got bored of the novelty of the microphone orders real quick, and sure I really could've much used better production values (although the music soundtrack in the game is decent). But the concept of playing pinball with an entire fucking army backing you up is just so ingeniously bizarre in the end, that I really do enjoy squashing entire legions of enemies with a giant fucking pinball. Who the fuck wouldn't?...

I wish this game had been given a chance on the DS rather than the GC, but even so? Despite all of Odama's shortcomings, it is still a fun game. No matter how unnecessarily complicated that Nintendo of all companies ironically made it, since when has a pinball game ever truly failed at curing the occasional bout of boredom? It is an overly challenging pick up and play title, that still definitely should be considered a good look if you're bored of all the over-cloned game genres of this day and age...

Odama is a wacky and zany yet still entertaining and innovative game. It's a new series with a ton of potential, a game where if you really try and train hard enough, you really do start to feel like a virtual general. And you really do start to feel like a goddam Battlestar badass...

Y2kk Update: - Stargate SG-1: The Pegasus Project and Stargate Atlantis: Irresistible Reviews (Spoilers...) -

This was the episode that I've been waiting to see all fucking year long. Sure, we haven't gotten very far into the tenth season of Stargate SG-1 just quite yet. But even so? Just call it my obsession of a little pet project of mine...

Even without the luxury of being a two hour season premiere or any sort of crap like that? The Stargate writers still managed to create an SG-1 episode that not only is worthy enough to be considered for the Top 10 of the series of all time, but also blows away everything as a goddam simultaneous Stargate Atlantis episode as well.

I loved the whole crossover aspect of the show. Because honestly, more often than not, when one cast meets up with the other, the less favourtized of the two series always gets shunned, as if nothing had happened in their universe at all. Yet here in The Pegasus Project, not only did we get references to specific episodes of Atlantis (McKay revealing his "partially naked" hallucinations of Sam in the Puddle Jumper, for example), not only did we get to see the city of Atlantis in all its splendor, but we even got a fucking battle against a Wraith Hive Ship. What more can we possibly ask for?...

Who here didn't do a fucking fist pump of "oohrah" victory the moment that the greatest of coincidences occurred? Now, I don't know if it was the Ancients stepping in to help us without us knowing or something, but wasn't it a bit convenient that the destruction of a Wraith Hive ship (which only happened due to the Wraith's stupidity to chase the Odyssey into a black hole) not only caused the jumping of the small Stargate wormhole to the massive Ori Supergate, but destroyed an entire fucking Ori mothership as well?...

Then again, do we care why or how it all happened, when the special effects in those scenes weren't just spectacular, but fucking artistic as well (especially the moment where the Ori toilet ship was literally split in half and "flushed" by the super kawoosh)? It may have been a short battle, but hot damn was it one of the most energenic, classy and classic moments in Stargate SG-1 that I have ever witnessed before...

... and the sweltering music there just made the moment all the more satisfying...

The soundtrack in The Pegasus Project was amazing, and probably was the best that the series has ever done since The Lost City. It was just a perfect blend of music from Stargate Atlantis, the medieval Ori stuff of the new SG-1, and old skool flavour from the earliest days of the series. I will give Michael Shanks all the credit in the world for his impassioned speeches here, but I also have to huge give props to the music conductor and all his genius. You really do feel the utter disappointment, frustration and hopelessness that Daniel does, the moment that Morgan Lafey is whisked away...

Now, I may always be a fan of Sci-Fi and the big ass space battles (which The Pegasus Project had both of in spades), but my heart when it comes to Stargate will always truly belong to mythology. And here in The Pegasus Project, we got more mythology than I think we have ever gotten from the series since either The Lost City or Avalon...

Here we got to meet Morgan Lafey in the flesh (well, as a hologram, really), and it was here that so many connections in the Stargate universe that could only be theorized before finally came to light, and came to light in ways that actually made sense. We fans knew that it couldn't just have been a coincidence that the same actor who played Moros in Atlantis' Before I Sleep played Merlin in Avalon. We fans knew that the issue with the Ancients (or Lantians) returning to a primitive tribal earth and seeding our earliest cultures with their stories just had to be addressed. And we knew that when it comes to all our battles against the Ori, that the strict policy of non-interference by the Ascended Ancients just had to brought forth to the table for re-evaluation...

And the actress who played Morgan Lafey did an absolutely astonishing job in really seeming like she genuinely wanted to help our heroes out with our quest for the Holy Grail. The look of pain and sorrow on her face, knowing that she would be punished for doing the right thing, when she was stopped in her tracks by the others? That alone will go down with great episodes of the past like Abyss, where the strength and fortitude in the script writing and the acting, supersedes all else in an episode that will already go down in history as one of the best of all time...

Now, I don't know if we'll ever see Morgan Lafey ever again. And sure, I was disappointed that it wasn't the superhot Melia from Atlantis who played the role of Morgan in The Pegasus Project. But still, if Lafey ever gets punished just like Daniel was as an ascended? Well, I for one will personally volunteer to find her naked and innocent and amnesiac on a barren planet. I definitely am one to make the sacrifice, and I'm sure most of the writers on the show would and should too...

What was truly amazing about The Pegasus Project, was that even with a fucking stacked cast and crew from two crossovered series? Even still, nobody was left out of the equation really. No one was left in the dust, no character felt wasted, and no character missed out on the opportunity to truly shine...

Now, for any of the observant? Who here didn't at least chuckle when James T. Sheppard of the Church of Kirk found himself sandwiched between Colonel Carter and Vala at the meeting table? But even besides the Kirking, he was a much better character in The Pegasus Project that he usually turns out to be in Atlantis. He was absolutely hilarious when it came to shutting up McKay under the threat of a gun, and the whole lemon thing? In a universe where Wraith can suck the living Lucius life out of you, he carries a fucking lemon around with him at all times? Fucking bloody brilliant, and every single moment he spent with either Cam or Sam was hilarious in the greatest sense as well...

Now, McKay got a huge host of screen time in The Pegasus Project, mainly because David Hewlett started out his Stargate career on SG-1. It was kind of strange that he reverted back to his old Redemption self when it came to being Carter's foil here, but who here didn't shrug off his slight regression when it came to all his absolutely hilarious moments? Why on earth would he be stupid enough to not only eat a sandwich or call Sam "sexy" in the middle of the command deck of the Odyssey, but openly admit the fact that a half naked hallucination of her helped saved his life in a "dark" place? It was all so WTF, that it was all so damn miraculously funny...

The thing was though, I was even more impressed with his interactions with Cameron Mitchell. Obviously, the whole "death by lemon" scene had me rolling in stitches, even if the scene did feel a bit forced. But absolutely the key moment between the two was when the Odyssey was staring out at the big ass black hole, McKay was arguing about the semantics of what it means to "see" a black hole, and as for Mitchell? Well, with his staredowns and putdowns and all, I guess he's just The Man in situations like that...

And Dr. Weir? Oh my friggin' goddess God, how the fuck could I ever turn out to like an episode with her in it, let alone actually enjoy Torri Higginson's performance as well? Yet here in Stargate SG-1, once again the impossible is defied, and Elizabeth was actually cute and sensible for once instead of just being a fucking utter bitch. In the Pegasus Project, she took a back burner in the nose bleed seats when it came to being a leader, and finally we got to see the aspect of her personality that actually cares about languages and peaceful politics like that fake copy of hers did back in The Lost City...

I absolutely loved her chemistry with Daniel Jackson when it came to translations of old languages and the use of the Ancient database. And the look on her face when learning the truth about Moros, Merlin, and the Knights of the Round Table? Not only was it spectacular from a mythological, Discovery-channel point of view? But either thanks to her little smile of curiosity there, or maybe because her hair was done better here in SG-1 than it ever has in Atlantis? Dr. Weir actually looked fucking cute for the first time in years. What the fuck?...

Like I said, besides Landry having as many lines here as Lieutenant Ford did? Every character had their moment to shine in The Pegasus Project, and no actor was ever ignored. Not from either series, which was an astonishing accomplishment for an one hour episode especially...

Well, you kind of felt bad for Teal'c, I suppose. He was stuck back at the Ori Supergate in The Milky Way Galaxy, but even he got to seem like a hero at times. He risked his own hide to warn the Odyssey in Pegasus about the Wraith Hive Ship, and got an Ori mothership bearing down on his defenseless position as a result. Yet steadfast and stoic as our Jaffa man is, he stayed by the Supergate until the very last moment, and was the first to see in goddam history a fucking Ori ship bite the dust. It was a beautiful moment, and it reminded me of all those times in the past when Teal'c thought the Goa'uld just couldn't have been beat, only for SG-1 to pull a fucking miracle out of their ass and prove to him that the impossible can be done...

Vala didn't have that many lines herself, but she was surprisingly adorable for what she did get to work with. Some may consider her annoying and grating on the nerves, but she was simply Irresistible when it came to all her little facial expressions and voice squeelings when trying to con Daniel into just asking the damn questions straight to the hologram. It just astounds me how much of a better character she's become since Prometheus Unbound in the series, when she was absolutely the worst idea of a character in my opinion ever. Yet now here, I actually felt a connection with her as she was trying to console Daniel in the end. I guess in the past, she just didn't have anyone to really trust?...

Cameron Mitchell I've already described, as every single one of his scenes with Sheppard and McKay were damn "cool". But even with all that comedy aside, the man was still able to shine when it came to the Cam and Sam show. The two of them, both being co-leaders of SG-1, are just so friendly and chummy with each other that it's brought a whole new dynamic to the show. At first last season, I really did think the writers had forced a ton of Jack O'Neill's old lines down Ben Browder's throat, but now? Now, except for the moment where he suggests a satellite slingshot maneuver around the black hole (which may have been a throwaway Farscape reference...), his character now just seems so perfectly suited and defined for his SG-1 role that it boggles the mind how out of place he once felt before...

Samantha Carter was the true science girl of the episode, and damn does Amanda Tapping ever excel at that shit. The great thing about The Pegasus Project though, was that despite there being tons of technobabble (like references to the Black Hole incident from way back in season two), a casual viewer can just gloss over it like Cameron Mitchell was at the briefing table. The core of the episode was all about team interaction and of McKay being his old jackass self when it came to Carter. The two just work so wonderfully and effortlessly on screen in all the subtle ways, that the both of the actors just hilariously play off of each and need each other in the most subconscious of geekish ways...

But despite every single glowing praise I've said about all the actors and other characters on the show? There simply is no disputing the fact, that The Pegasus Project was Daniel Jackson's heart and episode all the way through, from the very moment that he stood there by the window stunned by the sheer majesty of Atlantis before him. He really did feel like the wild-eyed, naive explorer of the first season of the show then and there, for the first time in God knows how many years. And yes, I have missed that Daniel...

The progression of his character in The Pegasus Project mirrors his own over the course of the entire history of the series, and I thank the writers for this trip down memory lane. He just somehow seemed like the Daniel of old when first setting foot in Atlantis, staring down the balcony with Vala (if that sounds good), just absorbing the magic of the moment all in. Then when first faced with the hologram, we got the more stoic and intellectual side of Jackson of later seasons, always thinking one step ahead of everything he came across...

Sure to me, I wouldn't have second guessed the notion that an Atlantis computer could translate in real-time 8th century English with their 10000 BC verbal counterparts (afterall, the hologram could magically understand all of modern English, right?), but hot damn did both he and the writers seem like geniuses for all the rest. I was mighty impressed with how he so quickly noticed how the hologram chose her words so damn carefully, and how the holographic room was using up absolutely no power in Atlantis whatsoever...

I don't like the fact that the twist of the episode was revealed in the teaser trailers, but that still didn't stop a chill running down my spine the moment that Morgan Lafey shifted her whole demeanor and just vanished. And the fact that we've been told by the writers and producers of the show, that Daniel would be following a more dark and sinister path than ever before in the tenth season of the show? Well, truth be told, I've always loved Daniel as a character, and I've always loved the mythology of the show...

His speech to Morgan Lafey absolutely stunned and floored me, not just by the raw passion in his words, but by how much it meant to both the actor and the character. In days where the US "policing" the world gets all the newspaper headlines, a discussion on the morals and ethics of the ascended beings and their own "Prime Directive" can take a bloody hell lifetime. Hell, we already had that debate when it came to Daniel's own brief candle of time as an ascended being (which thankfully was finally addressed once more here in The Pegasus Project), as it all just feels academic from here on in...

Daniel has always been the open minded diplomat, but that has never stopped him from realizing that there simply is no negotiating with pure evil. He never hesitated to kill a Goa'uld before and certainly wouldn't make an exception for the goddam Ori. He has never been one to be the first to the frontlines of a war, but he never backs down from saving human lives in the end, even if it doesn't suit the true big picture. And is that his tragic flaw then? Is that what will cause his downfall? Daniel Jackson has always had the strongest beliefs and convictions in what he believes is right, yet it was so damn frightening and bone-chilling (to be honest) to see him just lose it like there like he did in this episode, as it just seems like he's lost all hope...

I would absolutely love to see the epic battle to come between the Ancients and the Ori. Now, I won't pretend to know what that battle will look like, or what kind of battlefield it will take place on...

But thank God I at least got to see this episode before I go and before I sleep. Because The Pegasus Project is just one of those rare Stargate episodes, where I've already watched it three damn times in full, and still have yet to get goddam bored....

Now sure, I don't really know if The Pegasus Project will truly stand the tests of time like Threads, Beachhead and Prototype have done for me in recent years...

It's just kind of ironic then. That the absolute best episode since The Lost City, actually deals with the lost city...

Watching The Pegasus Project, I was the wild-eyed adventurer just like Daniel was at his first ever glimpses of Atlantis...

Heh... the thing is, this week wasn't exactly the most fair of weeks for having the episode of the week award...

I mean, just think of the competition. Not only does The Pegasus Project have a chance at being one of the best episodes of Stargate SG-1 of all time, but it probably fits right up there with Rising as the fucking best episode of Stargate Atlantis as well. WTF?...

And the thing is, judging by all the early descriptions? To me, Irresistible on Atlantis was going to be just one of those god-awful episodes that a viewer absolutely hates. But not as one of those episodes that are just so bad that it's actually good, but an hour that's so damn horrendously stupid that you can't simply bear to watch. The kind of which that the season season had in spades, mind you...

And yet? Even though my overall opinion really hasn't changed much since seeing the episode?...

My God, was Irresistible stupid. What kind of stupid ass plotline has Richard Kind completely forgetting that he was Daniel Jackson's bitch in the original movie, while pulling a Sin Spin City when it came to raping every fucking hot girl in town?...

Then again, unlike Stargate SG-1, Atlantis actually had some fucking hot bitches in super tight dresses. That's gotta be worth an extra look, right?...

And the thing is, as bad of a plotline as Irresistible was? It just still had that annoying yet alluring sort of charm that so many of the episodes from the first season of the show seemed to have. For the first time in ages, I actually laughed out loud so hard from an Atlantis episode that I actually had to hold my gut, and why? Because Sheppard and McKay finally had another one of those classic geek moments together, finding time in the middle of a Rape Rape Date Sim emergency to talk about how fucking hot Catwoman was in the god-awful original Batman series. WTF?...

It was obvious from the get-go that Sheppard's cold would be his defence in this episode. But even so, and despite all his horribly acted out coughs and sneezes? The episode just had this great kind of transition from him being weirded out at first by all the women and men googling over this fat bastard by the dinner table, and the next being truly creeped out by that lucious Lucius Lavin's need for some lovin'. Not only that, but for once John Sheppard was actually the one to be left out of all the Kirking rituals, and fucking got revenge by stealing away Lucius' favourite love-toy instead...

Either way though, I absolutely think that this was probably Beckett's best comedic performance ever. I think we all know why he was the first to retort on Sheppard's comment about fantasizing about Lucius' touch, and we all probably got a good chuckle out of it as well. And who here didn't at least shed a tear in laughter, when John even got Carson to weep like a baby in the Puddle Jumper? Lucius needs the guy afterall, and so does the show. For once, he actually got to play the hero and saved everyone, including the writers, with his great acting performance...

Teyla and Ronon had reduced roles, but even they got their moments to make me smile. It was awkwardly weird to see Ronon as such a pussy whipped bastard to Richard Kind. But then again, he's always been such a pussy when it comes to Sheppard, that it really didn't feel out of place either. And as for Teyla, it was always nice to see her first want to bitch slap some sense into Lucius for asking her hand in marriage, then swooning over the man when it came to caring about his feelings. In fact, probably her glee in returning with all the weed (or herbs...) from the Wraith planet, was her most fun moment on the show in years. As dumbass as both of these characters were in the episode, at least they were actually entertaining for once...

And what the fuck was with Dr. Elizabeth Weir this week? First, she impresses the hell out of me in The Pegasus Project, and now she turned me on again in Irresistible? Am I just really that damn horny this weekend? WTF?...

The sad fact of the matter is, Torri Higginson was quite irresistible in this episode. Sure, it was pathetic how she probably made the same dumbass command decisions here as she would've if she hadn't been high on Lucius, but you gotta love the fact that the actress really can be free and wheelin' and dealin' with herself at times. Can't I at least get her hand in marriage, after all those times she was feeling herself up with her fingers? And all those moments when she had her paws knitted all over Lucius, not to mention the cat fight bitch look she gave to Teyla when she learned of that marriage proposal to her? I dunno, but Elizabeth actually seemed like a real woman for once. A hypnotized woman who would do anything I ask of her to please me and pleasure herself, but a very hot damn "real" woman at the very least...

McKay sort of took a back seat in terms of comedy in Irresistible, except for the Catwoman debate of course. Still, David Hewlett has absolutely some of the best comedic timing I've seen on a SciFi show to date, and every single one of his quips and queries in this episode felt natural and completely in place. Whenever it came to his Stargate collection quota, that look he gave to Teyla at the end just to piss off the female vote, or that child-like eagerness in his eyes while explaining the Intergalactic Bridge idea as if it were a comic book story, there is just something to McKay that is uniquely hilarious and brilliant. In any galaxy or Stargate series, really...

Now, don't get me wrong. I still thought Irresistible was a dumb as shit cliche comedy that has been done to death already in Sci-Fi, let alone any fantasy-driven dribble on the idiot TV box (hell, it was done twice on Buffy the Vampire Slayer alone)...

But unlike most Atlantis episodes in the second and already third season of the show? Irresistible actually had a complete and self-contained story, with an ending that not only left off on a high (weed) note, but also didn't feel rushed for once as well...

I know that Richard Kind's skills were wasted. I know that a comedy about the entire office being in love with Lavin' was one of the dumbest asstastic and reused concepts around. I know how borderline eye-rolling it was, to see the entire Atlantis group listening to the man's stories about bringing a baby back to retarded life and all (which was a true story, mind you...)...

But even so? When it came to his whole attractive personality and the plot of this episode?...

... well, until I take that antidote and see this episode for the shit it is, at least...

Y2kk Update: - Ubisoft's Tom Clancy's Ghost Recon: Advanced Warfighter Microsoft Xbox Review (Spoilers...) -

... because yes, I am officially a retard... for buying this game in the first place...

... and so is Ubisoft, for being stupid ass enough to try to port Ghost Recon: Advanced Warfighter to the original, goddam Xbox...

Even though the Ghost Recon series has never been my thing, whether it be on the PC or consoles, I still was willing to give Advanced Warfighter the benefit of doubt. Afterall, I actually enjoyed what I've played of the game on the Xbox 360 so far, although obviously a huge part of that was due to the fact that GRAW X360 has probably the best damn graphics I've ever seen from a console game to date...

... I just expected a port that actually played like a fucking real game worth real money, that's all...

I always lambasted Ubisoft for all their cheapass ports from the Xbox to the Gamecube in the past. Namely, their Splinter Cell and especially their god-awful revised versions of the Ghost Recon series on the Nintendo Gamecube. Why did they ever even bother to create ports in the first place, if they knew right off the bat that they had to change the gameplay itself to accomodate the system, and thus ruin whatever great gameplay balance and ideas that they had from the original? Are they just flat out retarded, or simply just that damn greedy? WTF?...

To this very day though, I never thought I'd see the same damn laziness from Ubisoft when it came to the actual Xbox...

I expected at least decent graphics from GRAW on the Xbox. What I got instead, were blocks and piss poor textures that resemble more of the first Ghost Recon game on the system than any of its sequels later on. How the fuck Ubisoft made a step backwards from Ghost Recon 2 and even Summit Strike, I will never know. All I do know, is that not only are all the characters on screen blurry and polygonal as hell, but all the colours on screen are drab and the framerate gets choppy as hell. Hell, even the HUD doesn't have a steady FPS or decent animation for God knows what reason, as the videos that appear on screen to give you information seem more like PowerPoint slide shows than anything else...

There is one good thing about GRAW, and that is that Ubisoft left intact the cooperative missions of the game, more or less. You can play through the stages with a friend either on the same system or online, and I opted to try the former (considering it was done so damn well on the Xbox 360). Unfortunately for me and my brother though, the game looks even shittier in fucking co-op mode. If I was already disappointed that you could no longer see you weapons in co-op on the Xbox360, then you better as hell believe that I was pissed off as hell when all the backgrounds and settings looked like scenes ripped straight out of the N64's Goldeneye in fucking co-op mode here...

At least Ubisoft could've had the dignity and decency to leave the gameplay of Advanced Warfighter intact, yet they didn't even manage that. In the Xbox 360 version, you get a squad of four to command, and their AI is at worst decent and at best amazing in terms of responsiveness and awareness. The thing about the Xbox version though, is that you don't really get a squad. You just get one stupid ass motherfucker, who basically is used as target practice by the enemy since he goes running off against every red dot on screen like a stray runaway dog looking for a leg to hump. Your one lone guy is completely irresponsible and impossible to control or predict, making Ghost Recon into basically a one man road on the show, with yourself being the star of the shit...

GRAW on the Xbox 360 was already arcadey enough compared to the rest of the series, but at least you still had your squad of four to command. Here on the original Xbox though, you're left as simply one man who runs and guns his way through Mexico, simply to prove to the world that you're a bad enough dude to rescue the president. Yet there are just so many damn limitations on your character that it's goddam ridiculous. Your jumping abilities are pathetic, as you can't even crawl over tiny little walls to get cover from bullet fire or shit like that. And after eventually falling in love with the Xbox Live online modes in Battlefield 2, it just feels goddam so out of place now to play a war simulator that somehow does not have a "prone" option for laying flat on the ground. How the fuck could Ubisoft leave that out? WTF?...

I could forgive some of Ubisoft's royal fuck-ups with GRAW if at least they kept the controls decently intact, but it's not like the Ghost Recon series on the Xbox has ever felt like anything more than a bloody hell awkward keyboard in the first place. Even so, I really don't understand Ubisoft's choices here for running and sprinting and goddam crouching with the left analog stick, as far too often your thumb gets fucked up between those choices during the heat of battle. And aiming and accuracy are fucking pieces of absolute shit in Advanced Warfighter as well, as the choppy framerate and the lack of sensitivity (at least on default) with the Xbox analog sticks makes the slaughter of enemies into a goddam chore...

Is there anything that Ghost Recon: Advanced Warfighter does well or properly or even remotely unobjectably on the goddam Xbox? Well, at least grenade throws are decent, as the arc trajectory still uses the same physics as it does on the Xbox 360. Mounted machine guns are fun for the most part as well, although simplistic and sort of degrading in nature. And you do get moments where you can launch a UAV or carpet bomb an area with an air strike, but it's not like you really have control over those moments. It's cinematic in a novel sort of way to call in said air strikes, but it also sort of only amounts to just pushing an awkward combination of buttons on the goddam D-pad and nothing more in the end...

Now, it's not like I'm not trying to think of decent things to say about Ghost Recon: Advanced Warfighter for the Xbox. It's just that, I never thought I'd live to see the day where Ubisoft of all companies would port over a complete blasphemy to their once beloved goddam console system. I used to have such fucking faith in the company, and now this?...

I guess if you know you're never going to buy an Xbox 360, you've never even seen the Xbox 360 version of this game, and you really do want to play with all the new weapons and toys of the future in Advanced Warfighter? Then maybe, just maybe, this game is worth a rental or a used purchase at best. But I just can't recommend it for a full purchase outside of the bargain basement bin, when it barely looks and feels and controls any goddam better than any of Ubisoft's bitterly shitasstic ports of the previously decent Xbox Ghost Recon games to the bloody hell Nintendo Gamecube...

Because except for the co-op campaigns and the hilarity of hearing that the Canadian Prime Minister was such a wuss that he immediately got himself killed before the battle even started, is there really anything that I spin here into a goddam positive note? Because, simply put?...

Y2kk Update: - Stargate SG-1: Morpheus and Stargate Atlantis: Misbegotten Reviews (Spoilers...) -

Afterall, Stargate is like a box of chocolates. You never really know what you're gonna get...

I mean, it's always hard to tell. Depending on the week, will we get the red pill, the blue pill, or just the bitter pill to swallow?...

Will Stargate and Atlantis be good like The Matrix, or simply shitty ass like its sequels? It's definitely hard to say, and almost impossible to predict...

On paper, Morpheus looked pretty much as bad as Matrix Revolutions. And that's pretty damn bad if you're asking me...

I mean, what the fuck else could we really expect from yet another bottle episode, featuring yet another plague, featuring yet another parasite that latches onto your brain and calls itself a "Goa'uld"? On paper, Morpheus definitely didn't look like it would be winning any Emmy's...

Now, don't get me wrong. The plotline of this episode sucked ass and really doesn't deserve any real comments whatsoever. SG-1 stumbles onto the deserted set of Camelot, gets sick with the fucking most cheapass and money saving "sleeping" virus ever filmed, and then magically just gets saved by Joe Bob the bad CG Iguana? Where the fuck was the ending of the episode? We got a blur, a flock of seagulls, a gas shortage, and a definite ideas shortage, but that's about it...

Morpheus was just a set up to The Pegasus Project next week, which except for the whole crossover idea with Atlantis, seems to be shaping up to be the "real" season premiere of the tenth season of SG-1. But at least in this week's episode though, we got a few bits of pieces of info to keep us tided over, as it's always great to get some more mythology behind Merlin, the Knights of the Round Table, and now Morgan Lafey as our potential new nemesis...

Obviously, the story of Morpheus was about as sophisticated as a five year old could write. But it's not the originality that matters to me, but rather how well the story is told. And strangely enough, Morpheus had just enough of those little campy moments to remind me of all those dumbass episodes that I actually did end up enjoying during the ninth season of the series...

Right off the bat, Daniel comes yammering onto the set with his incoherent mythological babble, reminding me of the best of ways that he kept going on and on and on about the same damn shit every day during Window of Opportunity. And in a stunning coincidence, the series even brought back the actor who played Daniel's archaeologist nemesis in Window of Opportunity, giving Daniel the opportunity here to not even shed a tear after the poor doc gets a heart attack from a fucking overdose of caffeine pills. What are the odds, eh?...

Teal'c didn't have many lines, but at least he wasn't overshadowed in terms of plot for once. No-one really had much to do except pretend like they were nodding off the whole episode long, so Teal'c didn't look so bad for once as he heroically caught a goddam iguana in a brown bag. He was the last to fall and succumb to the parasite, probably because of his Tretonin. Either way though, lameass cop out of an ending or not, he kinda saved the day in Morpheus. So technically, does that mean that since he's black, we should start calling his character "Morpheus" as well?...

Who's Neo then? Cameron Mitchell? Poor guy literally was talking to himself for twenty minutes as nobody was there in the cave to even pat him on the back. I don't even remember if the guy had any funny lines in this episode, but I do remember both him and I cringing at the fact that he potentially sacrificed his life over Deuce Bigalow: European Gigalow of all films. Oh dear God, as my last lingering memory, that would seriously suck...

Carter was decently cute doing her little medical studies (while hopefully doing herself to say awake...). It's always cliche for Sci-Fi and especially SG-1 to find some huge parasite gorging on our brains, but Amanda Tapping still made it seem interesting in the ways that only she naturally can. Sure, I wish this episode had more time spent between her and Daniel or the rest of the team, to build up the chemistry that I hope keeps them as a cohesive unit of a whole throughout the season. But as it stands right now, I still did enjoy how everyone felt natural and comfortable with each other in this episode, as their lines just seemed to all flow in the script...

Morpheus, as boring of a plotline as it was, really did seem like a campy team-based bottle episode from the glory days of the third or fourth season of the show. Go figure, eh?...

Hell, even General Landry wasn't that bad. Although he did seem uncomfortably horny when staring at Richard Woolsey and intently thinking of his "unusual" sexual advances. WTF?...

The star of the show really was Vala to me, as Morpheus really did show off her individual comedic talents and skills far better than any episode that Cameron Mitchell got on SG-1 last year or Ronon got in Atlantis. Who here didn't at least find it amusing that she was cramming for a psychiatric evaluation, while completely botching and bitching and fucking up her psycho-babble when it came to greeting the psychiatrist? Hell, you must not have a soul (or it belongs to the Ori) if you didn't at least snicker at the polygraph machine gone haywire at just her complementing the man on his suit and charm. It was all stupid as ass comedy, but it just all seemed to fit and flow together, even when she offered for Daniel to pay lunch to the sound of that classic SG-1 theme music at the end...

And the ink blotch tests were awesome too. Though personally, the first things that personally popped into my head were "tortoise", "Blade Runner", and "Japanese Hentai", in no particular order. I wonder what it all means?...

And as simple of a moronic episode as Morpheus really was? It did the job in being well scripted, well acted, and entertaining enough to actually be a better overall show to me than Flesh and Blood was last week. Which is shocking, to say the least...

Seriously, am I dreaming then or some shit like that? Or just high on drugs, I really need to know...

... because red pills and blue pills be damned, I actually enjoyed the whole caffeine pills bit...

Because once again, I enjoyed SG-1 for what it was, no matter how bottled and low budget the episode may have been...

Guess it was bound to happen after the shitty ass second season of the show. But this soon into the third season? WTF?...

WTF is wrong with the characters? How the fuck could they be so damn stupid? Do the writers want us to hate the actors and the show? WTF?...

First, the Atlantis team just decides that after all of Michael's help, that instead of just letting him back out into the Pegasus Galaxy trusting that he would keep the existence of Atlantis safe? They rape him with a needle against his will, take away his memory and identity, pretend like the whole de-Wraithing thing didn't fuck things up the last time they tried it, and just assume that all their baseless lying goes to plan? WTF?...

Woolsey gained my respect on SG-1 in the past two weeks, and completely lost it when it came to Atlantis. Why the fuck is he covering for Dr. Weir now? I know that she has had her moments, but letting the Wraith find the location of earth and upgrade their hyperdrives to intergalactic speeds, then potentially letting an entire colony of humanized Wraith escape from their planetary prison to a Hive ship, were definitely not excellent decisions for the good of our planet, in my honest opinion at least...

I mean, why the fuck didn't she order a secondary nuclear bomb to be brought by Sheppard to the site, just in case? Why didn't they just pick a planet as a prison with a Stargate in a nearby orbit, instead of being forced to dedicate their new Wraith Hive Ship to the clean-up cause, and have it meaninglessly destroyed just like they wasted the fucking Ancient Warship Orion for no real fucking reason last week? Doesn't she know what kind of fucking assets she could've had besides the ones on her body, if only she had half a fucking brain? WTF?...

Yet John Sheppard is "defending her honor"? I know it was a cute scene between the both of them, as he even seemed to blush as he made no reference to her quip. But really, how moronic and pussy whipped can the guy really be? How the fuck can he ever defend Elizabeth Weir for what she has done in command, fully knowing (I assume) that she has not only endangered earth with the threat of an invasion from life-sucking aliens, but also destroyed the only ship we had powerful enough to even challenge the fucking Ori in the Milky Way Galaxy. WTF?...

Sheppard was just really dumb in every way in Misbegotten. Did he really have to have such goddam transparent lies whenever he just brushed off and dismissed the humanized Wraith? Why the hell wouldn't he have guessed that maybe the nuclear bomb failsafe plan wouldn't have worked, considering Carson was fucking tortured, mind probed and probably anal raped by a really angry Michael? Why the hell didn't he just trust Michael in the first place like he did last episode, instead of making sure that Connor Trinneer someday comes back in full force with hopefully the Starship Enterprise to make life a living hell for the expedition team?...

I know being pussy whipped by a bitch makes men do some dumbass things, but he couldn't even beat down a bunch of harmless humans wearing fucking white shirts for red shirt target practice? Couldn't he have just raked up the Jack Bauer body count himself? WTF?...

Ronon was no better. He pretended to be badass at the start, and yet all he did was stab a bunch of dumbass Wraith and then call it a day. He could've been and done so much more as a character. He could've been the fucking Jack Bauer of the series. "I wish"...

Teyla was utterly useless as well. Not as a character technically, as she pretended to know how to actually use a Dell computer at the start, and then fucking reminded us all why women should never be allowed to drive when it came to the Hive Ship later on. But as a personality, what did she really do? Act tired from the Wraith mental interface, then do her little pouting look when it came to trying to convince Michael that losing his identity and consciousness was the right thing to do for the good of his lack of a future? WTF?...

Now, I'm not saying that there was an easy solution to the problem at hand. Since the gas that Dr. Beckett had developed only lasts a day or so, you really only have two choices. Trust that the humanized Wraith can cope with the truth and slowly integrate them into society, or just wipe them all out as if they were still Wraith trying to suck the dear life out of you. The problem was, the Atlantis team was so fucking stupid that they couldn't make a decision between the two choices, and got four fucking red shirts fed upon and a fucking Hive Ship lost in the process...

WTF is this? Battleshit Galactica? Is he gonna bomb Cloud Nine when Dr. Weir and Sheppard are frakkin' in a hotel room or some shit like that? WTF?...

The only character with even some sense in Misbegotten was Doctor Carson Beckett. It's understandable that a doctor would be torn between helping his patients yet realizing that it just isn't right to keep them in the mental state that they were in. As a doctor, he refused to kill them and still thought he was doing the right thing in saving them from their Wraith inner nature. The problem is, while all that was true to his character, it was still completely stupid of him not to recognize the threat at hand. It's just too fucking bad we didn't get to see him get tortured by Michael, as it would've been a small fucking consolation to me to see somebody from the dumbass Atlantis team finally suffer for screwing over earth...

And the ending to Misbegotten? WTF? Yes, I know that after last week, there wasn't much money left to show a battle. But did the show really just have to skip all the tension and have the Atlantis team all safe and snug and sound in a puddle jumper just suddenly out of nowhere? If this was a standalone episode, I might not really care how cheap of an ending that was. But as a follow-up to the "To Be Continued" line from last week's amazing episode? I can't help but think that Misbegotten not only tarnished the reputation of No Man's Land, but accomplished the impossible task of making even Allies look good...

I was hoping that Connor Trinneer could come back to the cast as a regular guest star, sort of like a half human, half Wraith with his loyalties split and divided between his two universes colliding. Connor Trinneer is an awesome actor, and he definitely could've pulled it off. It's just such a fucking cop-out to not know if he survived the orbital bombardment or not. He's now stuck in writer's limbo, chillin' with fucking Lieutenant Ford and Jimmy Hoffa while waiting for his next goddam paycheck. He deserves better than that...

Y2kk Update: - Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest Theatrical Review (Spoilers...) -

You know, there are still times when I wish I watched Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl in theatres. It was a movie that absolutely shocked and floored me with its fun and quality, a film that I've been able to watch time and time again on DVD yet never get bored...

I was hoping for more of the same from Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest.

But sometimes, I guess you just expect a bit too much from a sequel, you know?...

It's been almost two weeks since I saw Dead Man's Chest in theatres. Hell, I actually saw it on opening weekend, when the film shattered all records with a frickin' $132 million box office gross. And what is the film at now? Almost at $300 million worldwide in just three weeks?...

If this was the first Pirates of the Caribbean we were talking about here, I would definitely approve. But alas, there was just something about Dead Man's Chest that seemed to be lacking, to the point where I kinda did find the film fun but ultimately disappointing in the end...

Obviously, the fact that the movie was a cliffhanger was a huge turn-off in the end. Some were shocked and awed I suppose by the return of Captain Barbosa, but I simply sat there instead with a "WTF" kind of look on my face. I mean, I know Pirates exists in a world were death has no meaning, but did the film already have to spoil the sacrifice made by Captain Jack Sparrow (oh right, big spoilers there... kinda forgot...) by pretty much announcing that anyone can return at anytime from the World's End?...

Although I guess all the promo pictures from the finality of the trilogy, showcasing Jack Sparrow in the most ridiculous of costumes, kinda gave away that fact as well. Oops?...

Now, don't get me wrong. I enjoyed Pirates of the Caribbean for what it was, and a large part of that was very much due to Jack Sparrow. I do agree with some of the critics, that Johnny Depp wasn't nearly as natural as everyone's favourite captain of the Black Pearl as he was in the original, but who here actually couldn't find something to like in his character? He was a bit oddball at first when it came to meeting Bootstrap (or Booze-strap?) Bill in the bowels of his ship, but it all started making sense once the purpose of his compass was truly revealed. And if anything, the man deserves huge props for having one kickass entrance with a bullet blast through a frickin' casket. Trust me, the man's got style...

The movie itself sort of lacked its own flavour though. What can you expect afterall, for a film that was over two and half hours goddam long? And this is supposed to be a kids movie, or a movie for all ages? WTF? How the fuck could you expect to bring your entire family safely to a film like this, where the intro features ravens and vultures pecking at prisoners' eyeballs, and the rest of the film showcases cannibals pulling a Hannibal Lector and a Green Goblin on Orlando Bloom's Disney World ass? WTF?...

But if there's one reason to think at first glance that Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest is a children's movie, it's the villains. I know Disney couldn't just copy the same kind of CG characters that they had in the original, but I sort of wished that they had. I found Davy Jones and his crew of barnacled sea creatures to be a great feat in terms of special effects, but it just looked ridiculous to watch a man try to be threatening while having a head shaped like a goddam hammer head shark. The enemies were just too cartoony for my tastes, which kinda sucked considering almost the entire film was centered on some CG creature trying to be a badass but failing absolutely miserably in battle...

Dead Man's Chest simply crammed way too much action into its two and a half hour span, making me lose my fucking attention span almost halfway through the film. Because was it just me, or did Pirates 2 feel like just one long, huge scene wrapped up altogether, rather than have the perfectly timed and paced moments that truly made its prequel a classic?...

In the original Pirates of the Caribbean, we had amazing moments of actual comic relief, like Jack Sparrow and Elizabeth Swann drinking it up while stranded on the beach. Ironically, probably the only truly light-hearted moment that I actually got the chance and time to laugh at in the sequel, was when the characters all once again found themselves on a deserted island, and Orlando Bloom brought up the whole turtle rescue story all over again. Nostalgia (and his fiancee) are such a bitch...

I prefer proper pacing in my films, thank you very much. Every film needs slow character moments to build tension or build intimacy and chemistry with the other actors. The problem is, there were just so few of those moments in Dead Man's Chest, and even those were rushed to some extent. Meeting Bootstrap Bill for the first time on the Black Pearl was alright I guess, but his reunion with his son just flat out sucked. How the fuck are we supposed to relate to the two getting back together in some form or another, when nobody in the fucking theatre could even figure out just how the fuck to play that goddam dice game they were wagering their souls on?...

Ironically, while a lot of fans have complained that the cannibal parts of the film were absolutely not needed (and should've been cut to reduce on the film's budget and time constraints), those were actually the moments I enjoyed the most. Because besides the water-wheel fight at the end, the only truly creative battles that reminded me of the stunts and zany stints from the original film, were all featured against the goddam cannibals. Whether it was Orlando Bloom swinging like a sissy in an American Gladiator boner of a ball, or Captain Jack Sparrow duking it out with a wooden post on his back and a ton of fruit weighing him down, I actually was able to enjoy the Jackie Chan sort of humour in these imaginative fights...

And who the fuck could ever not think that it was completely badass for Johnny Depp to have had those freaky painted eyelids while sitting on the throne? It was the little moments like that that I treasured, more than any dead man's chest of cursed Aztec gold could ever provide...

Jack Sparrow's character definitely grew in Pirates of the Caribbean 2. And it's really no wonder, considering he starred in the film almost way too much for his own good. We almost got an overdose of that overbearing personality that almost won the actor a goddam Oscar, as I often got sick of his act when it came to trying to outsmart Davy Jones by offering 100 souls for his own, or mocking the former Commodore for his drunken antics. It all felt a bit too forced in this film compared to the original, but true to his character, Johnny Depp really brought it home at the end. To be honest, just him starring at the compass during the final Kraken battle to help him decide what he truly wanted, was my favourite Jack Sparrow moment in the entire damn film. And like I said, his sacrifice really showed a hell of a lot of growth in his character...

... sigh... I just wish I could say the same for the rest of the crew of the Black Pearl...

Orlando Bloom was the fucking whipping boy of the film, both figuratively and literally. His moments with his father were ruined not only by bad CG effects crawling out of the walls, but by the fact that the two just didn't have any real chemistry whatsoever. I mean seriously, how the fuck were we supposed to give a shit about Orlando Bloom getting slashed and dotted to his death by his father, when a) I've been spanked harder in the ass than he was there, and b) all the fucking teen bitches in the audiences were squealing in joy at the actor's fucking ripped shirt? The dice game later on absolutely made no sense whatsoever, and I just didn't give a damn about Bootstrap's sacrifice there. What's the point of giving an eternity of servitude to a man who will probably be dead (or really dead...) by the end of the third film?...

And how the fuck could the English actor, Orlando Bloom, ever like Stellan Skarsgard? Didn't the latter try to invade England or some crap like that? How the fuck could anyone sympathize with that god-awful villain of a voice that almost ruined King Arthur by its own goddam self? Why the fuck did Disney even hire this lameass actor? Were they 'bootstrapped' for cash? WTF?...

But like I said, Orlando Bloom was the complete whipping boy of this film. Because really, what character development did he really get? He was arrested right off the bat for a reason that seemed forced and hokey at best by the writers, then was sent running from fucking parrots and cannibals for the next half of the film. By the time he finally managed to catch his breath, he was sent and got stuck on the Flying Dutchman by trusting in Jack Sparrow, and forced into the hard menial labour of the most meaningless parts of the film. I mean sure, he got a few Legolas hero moments in by getting an entire innocent ship wasted by the Kraken, and then got his fucking heart broken by that fucking whore of a fiancee bitch who seemed ready to fuck the hell out of that other bad boy Pirate to be?...

Now, I'd say that was a pretty shitty ass day for the pretty boy from the middle age, wouldn't you? And deservingly so, mind you...

Keira Knightley was given comedic moments to shine, yet I didn't give a single shit about anything she really did in the film. So what if she managed to steal the seals of pardon away from the big evil East India Corporation, when she was dumb enough to get tracked by a spy she trusted? I guess I was supposed to laugh at the sheer ridiculousness of that flying ghost of a dress of hers, if only the actress really wasn't so damn flat that she actually did look like the fucking swabbing boy on deck. If only the actress there was desperately looking for another naked stowaway whore on board just as the captain so ordered and the doctor prescribed, maybe then would I give a shit about Keira Knightley...

I really felt no chemistry between her and Will Turner whatsoever, completely unlike the first film. The writers didn't even bother to write any real scenes between them in, as her only moments with her fiance were first in a jailcell, and later as she was bitching and complaining on the beach as the trio of men were duking it out in a duel over her honor. Must all women be a goddam pain in the ass when we guys are doing "men" stuff?...

Strangely enough, the only scene with Keira Knightley that I did enjoy was when she was seducing Captain Jack Sparrow with her speeches about doing the right thing, about giving in to "curiousity". Ironically, I think almost the entire audience felt far more of a spark and chemistry between her and Johnny Depp in that scene than we ever felt between her and Orlando Bloom. And then yet at the end of the film, like any good slut and whore and bitch would do, she seduces the poor Johnny Depp again, this time into sacrificing himself to the fucking gullet of the Kraken. And after all that, she still has the fucking audacity to pretend like everything was fine (even after 'cheating' on her fiance), and was willing to sacrifice all of their lives just to get back the soul of the man that she fucked, fucked over and damned in the first place? WTF?...

Then again, maybe Dead Man's Chest was perhaps the Empire Strikes Back of the trilogy, the kind of film where the bad guy wins for really no reason whatsoever, and it really takes multiple viewings to truly understand what the director and writers were trying to get at. Or several fucking viewings to just fucking try to understand whatever the fuck that black Jamaican of a Yoda bitch was trying to tell all the guys with her goddam jar of dirt...

The East India Company was just sort of thrust into the thick of things after no mention whatsoever of them in the first film. I didn't really have a problem with that, but rather with the fact that all of their scenes were boring as hell. The first Pirates of the Caribbean had awesome explanations of the curse of the Black Pearl and the Aztec gold from Barbosa, who just had this amazing way of making even average speeches on paper seem like fucking treasure on film. I just felt no animosity towards the goddam evil corporation of the British empire though, as they were really only there to set up the wacky sort of adventure that would bring Will Turner back together with Captain Jack Sparrow...

I was shocked and pleasantly surprised at least, that the writers managed to fit Commodore Norrington back into the film. I didn't even recognize him has a drunkard, and was shocked once again when he turned out to be a turncoat. Ironically, if you think about it, he was the only character in the film who didn't lose a single thing throughout the duration of this film. Davy Jones lost his heart, Orlando Bloom lost his fucking fiance, Keira Knightley lost her breasts, and obviously Captain Jack Sparrow lost his life. But through the thick and thin of it all, Norrington came out with the heart of Davy Jones on top, and was unselfish enough to only ask for his old career back in return?...

And a lot of people have raved that Davy Jones was a great and threatening villain, but I just didn't feel it. What did he really do that was threatening or even convincing one least bit? He ordered the death of a few filthy men who were already too fucking ugly to be let back to sea, and then he played a fucking dice game with Orlando fucking Bloom. How the fuck is that supposed to be evil? Are we supposed to hate him because he plays the organ badly and has a beard like Saddam Hussein's? WTF?...

I really didn't think his character was fleshed out nearly enough in this film, as we didn't even get a proper explanation of why the fuck he ripped out his own heart for a girl, and how the fuck he survived with a fucking beating heart in his chest. The first film had a great backstory about Barbosa and the mutiny for the Black Pearl, but we didn't even get a single comment about the fate of the Flying Dutchman here or why the fuck Davy Jones could control the Kraken in the first place. WTF?...

At least the Kraken battle scenes were decent, and featured some of the best damn CG timing and effects I've ever seen in a film. It almost looked natural, to witness sailors be ripped from the decks of their ships through walls, or for masts to be torn asunder as if they were made of fucking paper. I actually thought that next to the cannibal fruit and water wheel moments, that seeing the pirate crew fight off the Kraken with fucking rum of all things was the goddam highlight of the film. I will give huge props to Disney and Jerry Bruckheimer for making the Kraken come to life, not just through CG magic but by an amazing musical score, but I still didn't enjoy the torrent pacing of the entire film. There was just too much generic rage, carnage and teen angst for me to really perk up and give a shit about...

Now, if only the suggestions I had gotten from all the film poster advertisements had become a reality, and that Davy Jones did use the Kraken to fucking hentai tentacle rape Keira Knightley until her breasts finally did perk up and she squirted out the entire sea? Then maybe, just maybe, I wouldn't have been almost falling asleep by the goddam end of the film...

But as it stands now? Two and a half hours of non-stop action, as weird as this sounds to say, was just way too fucking much for me...

Now, to be perfectly honest? The first time I watched both the first Pirates of the Caribbean and National Treasure, I wasn't all that impressed. I had a good time on the first viewings, sure, but it wasn't until I got the chance to the watch those films again and again and again on DVD, that I truly did appreciate just how amazing of an adventure both of those movies really did turn out to be in the end...

Maybe the same will happen with Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest? Who really knows?...

I can only hope so, considering I did indeed have a fun time in the theatre, for the better part of two and a half bloody hell hours at least...

... it was just a little overwhelming in my eventual disappointment though, that's all...

Because Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest did indeed feel a bit too much like a Disney Park theme ride. It was thrilling, yes, but ultimately shallow and unsatisfying...

Sure, the body and form of The Curse of the Black Pearl was all then and there?...

Y2kk Update: - Stargate SG-1: Flesh and Blood and Stargate Atlantis: No Man's Land Reviews (Spoilers...) -

Afterall, I absolutely loved the ninth season of the show. Sure, a lot of people complained that it had simply regurgitated the same ideas as past seasons, of having uber-powerful villains posing as gods with the SG team having to find yet another Ancient superweapon to defeat them. But I've never really given a damn whether a plotline is "original" or not, but rather how the writers tell the story. And in my honest opinion at least, the ninth season had the best damn story-telling since the glory days of SG-1 that ended back in the third and fourth seasons of the show...

And as far as I'm concerned? It's a little hard to follow up on an act such as that...

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but Flesh and Blood will never impress me? Or something to that effect...

Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed this episode for what it was. It's just that, there wasn't any real suspense in this episode, but rather a morbid sense of hopelessness that I think was even getting Bra'tac down as he tried to end his life and the tenth season of the show prematurely. The entire team of SG-1 flat out knew right from the get-go that there was absolutely nothing they could do to phase the Ori ships, let alone slow them down. On paper, it probably did seem cool and enticing to watch a Hat'ak suicide run itself without making a dent on the Ori's shields, but it just had no meaning to it in the actual episode itself. Not when we knew it wouldn't have mattered a damn....

Flesh and Bone was meant to be a set-up for the tenth season of the show, and it most certainly did that. The cast and crew even over-blatantly pointed out right before the final credits began to roll, that this is what the writers wanted. A return to what the Stargate universe was before the Goa'uld became Star Trek red shirts, where the good guys were completely outmatched by the baddies from a galaxy far, far away. I'm definitely looking forward to the tenth season of the show, but I was disappointed in the sense that Flesh and Blood basically just felt like an epilogue to last season's mostly stellar Camelot. It wrapped up a few loose ends, but really didn't serve a new purpose of its own...

And there were a few continuity bugs that wracked and gnawed the hell out of my brain. Because despite as powerful as the Ori are, I really was at least expecting that the writers would make the SG-1 team look decently intelligent in their plans against them. More so than the Atlantis morons did in Allies, at least...

Trying to ring aboard a bomb through the Ori shields (which would've worked on any fucking enemy Goa'uld vessel in the goddam past...) was a decent enough idea, and the final moments of Colonel Chekov ordering the transport of a nuke from the Korolev was perhaps the best action sequence that the entire episode managed to prescribe (ah yes, good ol' Russian red shirts...). But later on, did Carter and co really have to use a Jaffa naquada bomb? Why not just get a fucking nuke from the Odyssey armoury (unless there were none left), as it's always safer to use a fucking 2000 megaton explosive than just a pathetic little Jaffa thingy with a fucked up trigger that was made in Taiwan...

And didn't anyone notice that the Supergate was no longer active in the background as Carter was just floating aimlessly in space? What happened to the original plan to dial out to the Ori galaxy to prevent any more ships from coming through? Why was that completely forgotten? Where the fuck was the Asgard ship? Why the fuck was Kvasir just suddenly back on the Odyssey, when he could've had a new Asgard warship with working beaming technology there in just five seconds flat? And it's just kinda strange that nothing about the events of Camelot were mentioned here in this episode at all, although I do know the San Graal will become the main focus of the rest of the tenth season of the show...

But Flesh and Bone did definitely get the job done where the writers wanted to lead into the season. It introduced Adria, Vala's darling little girl, who takes after her mother in more ways than one. I mean, I've never been a fan of Vala so to speak, but if the daughter does indeed take after her figure? Then definitely, I'll be perking my ears and eyes to the words of Origin, provided that the actress who plays the adult Adria proves to be a wonderful companion of a whore...

But did they really have to call the girl, "Adria"? Why not something a bit more simpler, a bit more provocative?...

Why not call her Jasmine? Or Hope? A New Hope? Or even Anakin fucking Skywalker, considering that completely useless bastard was such a fucking pussy in the original goddam trilogy... but I think you get my drift...

I liked the young actresses who played the role of Adria over the hours of her teenage angst life. The first little girl (who actually was the daughter of one of the show's producers, I believe) was like a creepy little red riding hood, with that stoic delivery of lines way above her level of comprehension. And the middle girl especially not only gave a damn good speech about how the Ancients have been deceiving us all along, but probably would make my list of hotties if it wasn't for that fucking underage requirement...

I don't doubt that Adria will be a great villain throughout the season (no wait, I do... considering who the fuck will be playing her as an adult...), and I understand that the writers had to at least use a full episode to introduce her to the audience. I just would've preferred all this talking bullshit from let's say, the second episode of the season or something. Normally the season premiere actually has some excitement in it, and yet we were reduced to a bunch of lectures from a five year old instead. It just wasn't my thing, until the little bitch is old enough to play with my own thing, but I digress...

Flesh and Bone also really concentrated on Vala, considering she and Cameron Mitchell will pretty much be the two stars of the show now that the rest of the cast is getting bored with their television lives. And to be honest, I didn't even mind Vala at all here in the episode, as she really has felt like a central member of the cast since her stint on the show early in the ninth season...

She did a fine job in trying to scold her little girl in her quarters when it came to the slaughtering of Jaffa, and Vala did pretty much bring the best comedy of the episode when confusing the heck out of Daniel Jackson with her rantings. Hell, she even seemed like a somewhat attentive and loving wife when it came to that poor bastard Tomin or whatever the fuck his name was. And she got shot by her efforts, as self sacrifice seems to be a requisite for all new members of the main cast at one point or another...

Daniel Jackson, or the actor of Michael Shanks at least, is said to have a reduced role in season ten, sad to say. It already definitely seemed like that here, as he took the backseat to Vala for most of the episode. He just wore that funky, plastic medieval wear from the Ori ship the whole time he just stood there bored as hell in the hallways, and tried to look good to the camera without his trademark glasses. He had a couple of decent conversations with Vala about the state of her daughter, and even had the balls to point a gun at the girl when push came to shove (not like it would've matter, as the damn Priors can raise people from the goddam dead...)...

I had wished the actor had provided more of his trademark comedy in Flesh and Blood, that's all. But I guess I'll have to settle for him outliving all those fucking moronic, Russian red shirts instead. You just gotta love how he left them all to die with a fucking ticking nuke behind him. Apparently, a complete lack of self-sacrifice is allowed for a character in their ninth or tenth season on the show...

Meanwhile on the other side of the galaxy, Teal'c was completely ignored here in Flesh and Blood. I'm getting used to it all, as it's not like the actor has ever had many lines to say on the show. But something just didn't seem right here anyhew...

What a fucking torture session, eh? He's blamed by the Alliance for the destruction of two measly Hat'ak motherships, and then when threatened with a pansy little Goa'uld torture stick, they fucking cut his hair instead? What the fuck? Who the fuck do they think he is? Samson?...

As the only guy left on the show with an even worse hair-do, is now officially Woolsey...

I do wonder at times though what's happened to Carter. She looked kinda cute as she sorta just did her little girlish lip thing when floating around helplessly in a space suit (which I assume, she had to shit in at one point or another... don't ask me why I just thought of that...). The rescue scene itself was decent I suppose, at least special effects wise, considering we all knew full well that she wouldn't have been harmed. But I'm just disappointed that she did nothing else for the rest of the episode, never once thinking of how to stop the supergate, or even bothering to suggest that maybe if Bra'tac was a fan of self-sacrifice, then maybe they should ram the fucking hell out of that Ori ship on Chulak that had landed and lowered its shields? Just a thought...

The stars of Flesh and Bone were indeed Vala and Cameron Mitchell, as Vala got to play dolls with her soon to be supermodel of a daughter, and Cam got to look like the hero when it came to first surviving the destruction of the Korolev, and then piloting that huge bucket of bolts to save Carter's ticklish ass. Cam got a few decent lines in as well, as with Daniel and Jack O'Neill obviously not being around much, he was fed every single thought that the writers had in mind. Hell, he even got to steal Teal'c's shit when it came to trying to talk Bra'tac out of pointlessly killing all his friends onboard. Couldn't the writers at least have thrown a fucking flesh and bone to Teal'c with a couple of goddam lines for goddam once?...

I'm just not so sure if the long wait has truly been worth it all, as Flesh and Bone was really nothing more than an average episode in my books, at the very least...

... especially when the only fucking hot girl in the entire goddam episode, turns out to be the fucking underage teen of all people...

But after their stellar ninth season of the show? I'm definitely willing to give the writers the benefit of the doubt...

Sure, I was amazed by the writing and quality of Stargate SG-1 in its ninth season of the show. But, umm?...

... I don't think I can say quite the same thing about Stargate Atlantis and its second goddam year as a series...

Truth be told, Stargate Atlantis season two sucked. It sucked hard, it sucked balls, and it sucked motherfucking Landry ass out of a motherfucking straw for almost an entire fucking year. Does that sum things up?...

So when I first heard about this week's Atlantis season premiere, did I ever really think I'd give two thumbs up to No Man's Land?

But apparently, we've entered bizarro world again, or the writers of the Stargate series just goddam switch priorities every single goddam season. Because while SG-1's Flesh and Bone was only 'meh m'okay' to me, Stargate Atlantis and No Man's Land have safely wisked away the episode of the week crown...

... and given it to that brunette hottie that Sheppard was eye-balling in the messhall...

Man, she was fucking hot. Why couldn't they have gotten her to play Adria, goddammit?...

Because like all ascended or ascending women? Her one weakness would be John Sheppard. Who would've thunk?...

But bah, while SG-1 wasted their opportunities this week, Stargate Atlantis surprisingly reminded me without a shadow of a doubt as to why exactly I fell in love with the series in its first season as a show...

First of all, I think the space battle here speaks for itself, as it ranks right up there with The Lost City, Camelot and The Siege (Part 3) as the best damn space shit I've seen from the Stargate writers in both entire goddam series. Finally, the Daedalus proves that it's a tough little nookie of a motherfucker, showing us how it's done and that size really doesn't matter...

It's all about how you use it, and it was about goddam time Caldwell tried to nuke the fuck out of a Hive Ship with every missile that he's got (and it would've worked, if Sheppard hadn't caused all the Wraith Darts to guard the space around the queen 24/7). And as for the fucking rail-gun battery barrage as the Wraith Dart hanger bays opened up? Damn, that was fucking sweet, and fucking smart for once from Colonel goddam Caldwell of all people...

Fuck, it's like the crew of the ship finally grew a fucking brain. What the fuck happened to them last year?...

And hell, and seeing all those nukes light up the night sky like that? It was almost like watching an episode of Battlestar fucking Galactica...

... a good episode of Battlestar Galactica that is, knowing full well how goddam rare those really are...

As stupid as the Atlantis cast and crew were in Allies, I could almost forgive them for it, simply because they actually had some decent wits about them in No Man's Land. It was like the writers even tried to make up for their lacklustre season finale last year, and extended Sheppard's fighter battle sequence at the start of this episode (which screwed the hell out of me, considering I had left my television at the time thinking the show was still in flashback mode). Sure, it was ridiculous how he took out about a dozen darts by himself with just three fucking missiles and a cap gun, but what the fuck else can I expect from the man who can fucking pick up any of the smokin' hot Atlantis chicks he wants?...

He's my fucking hero. Afterall, Sheppard still did his whole Kirkin' routine, ignoring Zelenka and Rodney's baseless argument to flirt with the fucking hottest bitch this side of the galaxy. And he also did get to pull off his whole Hans Solo thing as well, even going so far as to emulate the man by sticking his fighter to the side of a Intergalactic garbage chute...

But what I probably liked from Sheppard most, was that he was not only absolutely hilarious in No Man's Land (operation "This Will End Badly" is one of his better ones that most people missed), but that he actually felt human. He wanted to do huge damage to the Hive ship himself, but I guess the number game of hundreds of darts against his one fighter finally caught up to the man. While it was ridiculous how the Wraith spared his life rather than just obliterate him while he was still in the crimson skies, I did like how Sheppard had to humble himself and trust in Michael to win the battle in the end...

And besides, any time that a Star Trek fanatic like myself can get an episode with Connor fucking Trinneer (and not that bullshit clone of his, Sim Tucker, that we got in Allies instead)? Well, while I definitely missed his southern accent here, I really do admit that his character has grown a hell of a lot after just three episodes in the series. And I would love for him to come back as a semi-regular one of these days...

Even under all that make-up, you could still see just how conflicted Michael was in all his choices. He wanted to belong to his fucking Hive, but just like any good Borg in Star Trek would feel once disconnected, he just didn't fit in there any longer. He wanted to live, and to live he had to side with the "Atlantians" as he called us. It was a plausible turn of events, and made a hell of a lot more sense in context than it ever felt when Teal'c first betrayed Apophis for a bunch of locked up humans who merely showed him a fucking Jack O'Neill hand watch as goddam military technology...

And Michael (or Connor Trinneer, really) just seems to bring out the absolute best in the characters on Atlantis. I normally hate Ronon as a character, as even with McKay, his whole stereotypical "never say die, unless you die another day" attitude was still getting on my nerves. He's meant to be a supreme badass, yet I never see him pull off the stunts like Jack Bauer or John McClane or even fucking Captain Picard would ever do, so he's never had credibility with me. Yet for some damn reason, I actually loved the moment when he pulled out his gun on Michael. It was a predictable thing to do, but damn did the two actors there along with Sheppard ever make that moment convincing...

Ronon just seemed like a real character in No Man's Land, and I was shocked at that. If even Mr. Baywatch seemed like he could almost act decently here, an impossible feat in my eyes, then does this mean that even Dr. Weir will be something more than a goddam brunette of a barbie doll one of these days?...

Dr. Weir sucked ass. Why the fuck did she even leave Teyla behind to do her dirty whore work for her? Couldn't she have left someone else in charge who, you know, knew what the fuck to do with the PDA that Teyla was struggling to use later on? God, I felt so embarrassed for Rachel as an actress as she just stood there while Elizabeth was bitching at Caldwell to sacrifice his ship and crew, just to fix her own goddam mistake. I'm sure Teyla wanted to kick Dr. Weir's ass too in that scene...

Either that, or fuck her up the ass with her fighting sticks like I'm sure she's done so many times in the past. Otherwise, if they weren't fucking it up together, why the hell would Teyla be moving up the corporate ladder so damn quickly, and why else would the two of them now be on a first name basis? Boggles the mind and tongue ties the undies, now doesn't it?...

But Dr. Weir still sucked ass, even while taking it up the ass. She was sent back to earth to face the music of the Chinese bitch from the IOA, and supposedly we were meant to believe she held her own. It was about due time that she got called on all her countless blunders, as really not only has the Atlantis expedition not helped earth one damn bit in their fight against the Ori, but have fucking caused us to enter into almost a full scale war with the Wraith on a second front. Sure, the Wraith are fucking pansies who should've just been left to wander into the Milky Way Galaxy, where Jaffa ships and fucking F-302's strapped with nukes could've torn their worthless hides apart, but it was still Elizabeth's goddam stupidity that got us into that problem in the first place...

I do admire one thing though, that she had the guts to actually make the call and potentially sacrifice both the Daedalus and the Orion to save earth from a potential culling. It was a dumbass decision on her behalf, considering the Wraith are a complete and utter fucking waste of time. But if you pretend like the Hive Ships actually were a credible threat? Then yeah, I do think she made the right decision...

... and lost the fucking Orion, our only defence against the Ori, in the process...

Well, at least that scene of all those little squids of death, dancing their way back and forth as they sexed up the hull of the Wraith ship, was actually goddam beautiful in the end. But still, we lost the goddam ship...

And you know who else was a bitch? Because you know, by the way, just to get ahead of my episodic quota by one damn week?...

I mean, what the fuck was the crazy son of a bitch trying to do? Hit on Dr. Weir? WTF?...

Even Carson was better than fucking Landry this episode. Man, the doc fucking cleaned house and owned the whole damn show...

No Man's Land was an overall great episode, packed with action and suspense. But it was Rodney McKay above all else, with all his patented whining, that made it truly the comedic genius that Atlantis used to consistently and campily be back in the first season of the show. I absolutely loved all his comments, about choosing to be a hero rather than a meal, or how he fucking got all that spyware on his computer whenever he tried to download porn (or music... or more pr0n... sorry...). He was an absolute moron and a waste of time in Allies, but I thank the Atlantian ascended gods every morning for the fact he was back in optimus prime form here in No Man's Land...

Afterall, I loved DOS. Wing Commander 2 on DOS 5.1 could kick your motherfucking ass. True story. And probably the Wraith's ass too, though that's obviously not saying much...

And No Man's Land rocked as well. Because except for the fact that the crew accidentally beamed onto the lost set of a Lord of the Rings movie at the end of a really weak cliffhanger moment? I was honestly quite stunned and thrilled by this episode the whole way through...

Stargate is back, and Atlantis is finally back in form... for one week at least...

Y2kk Update: - Konami's World Soccer Winning Eleven 9 Microsoft Xbox Review (Spoilers...) -

But I had planned to watch Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest with my cousin. I even offered to pay, for God's sakes...

Well, they cancelled. Leaving me with absolutely no reviews to write on this noname website of mine, except for absolute shit games from the backlogs in the back alleys of my goddam blogs...

Yesterday, I wrote a decent enough review for Konami's Winning Eleven 9 on the Microsoft Xbox. Well, it wasn't really a decent review, but it does seem to make sense to post it here on my noname main page this morning, considering today is the day of one of the most anticipated World Cup finals in history, even here in soccer-hating Canada...

Yesterday in the third place losers match, Portugal choked so damn hard that my brother was convinced that it was all set up for the appeasement of the German home crowds. I particularly didn't care though, since both teams sucked ass anyhew to be left out of this afternoon's goddam finals. What fucking losers, I laugh at their misfortunes...

It would've been fun though, to have seen a Portugal vs Italy World Cup final here in the GTA region of Canada though. Out of all nations and nationalities in this multicultural mosaic of ours, those two are the two goddam peoples who are constantly stirring up trouble and brandishing knives at one another's throats, even before all this World Cup hoopla began. Would've been fun to have actually seen a real posse brawl here across all the city streets between the two of them if push had indeed come to shove...

... sigh... guess now we Canadians will never know the bliss that can only be defined as the true soccer fanatical riot, eh?...

But until then though? I guess my review of Winning Eleven 9 down below will have to do...

But still, his couple of months while backpacking and trotting his way across Europe sure did have an effect on him, especially considering he lived the lives of the Portuguese, Italian, French, and especially the goddam Germans throughout the majority of this year's World Cup...

... and he has the battle scars from all the street riots still to prove it...

And while he was there? He heard from all his friends and pretty much all the "football" fanatics out there, that the Winning Eleven series for the PS2 and Xbox was the sports equivalent of God. He heard so many damn compliments about how it simply blew the FIFA Soccer series out of the water from its sheer authenticity and challenge, that he actually bought his first Xbox game in ages as soon as he arrived back here in Canada...

He picked up Winning Eleven 9 for the Xbox, which is supposed to be just as good as the PS2 incarnations of the series, right? Well, loading times were reduced and graphics have been slightly improved on the Xbox, but apparently the controls just don't feel the same according to others. Analog stick sensitivity obviously got a bit fucked up during the porting process, and apparently the lack of four shoulder buttons on the Xbox hurts the gameplay controls to some degree. Though I guess I wouldn't know about it, considering I fucking sucked ass everytime I tried the Winning Eleven series on the goddam PS2 in the first place...

What I do know though, is that for the most part? Yeah, I did definitely get the impression from Winning Eleven 9 on the Xbox, that it is a superior series to the FIFA series. It's just an overall better designed gameplay experience, in terms of being as random and "exciting" as real soccer, that is. It's said by its fans that no two goals in the Winning Eleven series are ever scored in the same way, as the defence AI in the series always changes on the fly. I definitely noticed this myself, as I most definitely had difficulty in deking my way to the goal line like I always would in the goddam FIFA series beforehand...

Controls are nice and tight in Winning Eleven, almost too much to the point where it does get frustrating at times. Cross kicks, corner kicks and headers are all done much nicer in terms of timing and feel in this series than they ever were in FIFA, but just getting across the length of the grass is such a pain in the ass in Winning Eleven. The defence really does tend to trap you and rarely ever breaks down, even if you try to skirt and skid your way through on the sidelines. I would tend to think that Konami has simply done a damn fine job on the AI, but I actually kind of just attribute it to just bad goddam babyish controls and offensive handicaps in the end...

The game automatically switches your controlled character to the nearest one to the ball. Not only that, but you automatically "pressure" your opponent by just holding A. You don't even have to tap it or use your fucking brain to really play defence in the game, as everything is automatically done for you. While obviously that's pretty damn realistic, considering so many real soccer matches in real life end in nil-nil ties (especially in this fucking lameass World Cup 2006, at least), I just still find myself annoyed to hell after every single fucking game makes it to extra time and eventually goddam penalty kicks in the end...

It's really damn hard to get a proper kick on net in Winning Eleven, as your shot automatically completely shoots in the wrong direction if either you are being pressured by the defence, or if you accidentally press the shoot button for the wrong length of time. It's not like an EA game where all the controls are intuitive, but rather to win at Winning Eleven, you really have to be in tune and experienced with the game. While seasoned veterans of the series may love the learning curve and depth, I kinda just didn't have the patience to actually learn how to succeed...

Yeah, I've never really been a big fan of the sport of soccer, and I especially have never been a real fan of soccer video games. I've always felt like they seemed a bit too Euro-centric and cheapass in terms of presentation, and Winning Eleven definitely doesn't (or does?) disappoint in that regard...

Konami and their Japanese origins have always guaranteed horrible presentations for their menu systems in their past, but why the fuck did they make it so damn confusing and unintuitive to navigate through all the "football" leagues in Winning Eleven 9? If they really worked so damn hard on ironing out the gameplay mechanics for the best damn realism possible, shouldn't they have at least spent five damn minutes thinking about the menu system to get to the gameplay easily and quickly in the goddam first place? WTF?...

Well, at least Konami has always known graphics, and Winning Eleven definitely looks better in terms of graphics and textures than anything the FIFA series has brought forth so far. Animations are a bit stiff, and it especially shows during penalty kicks and shootouts where characters jumping and dodging resemble something more like a SNES motion captured caricature than anything else. But it still all looks decent in the end, considering at least how many characters you obviously have at once on screen...

Maybe the company is still using those old International Superstar Soccer algorithms or something, I dunno. But at least the sound and announcers are really good in the series now, or at least they are as exciting as you can expect from goddam Brits handling the damn mic. It's all just so damn authentic enough that I'm actually just as bored to tears while playing this game as I am while watching soccer in real life. Good job...

Well, maybe I will start to enjoy the game of soccer soon, considering my home city of Toronto will be getting their own shitty ass MLS (Major League Soccer) team next year at Exhibition Stadium. While I seriously doubt that I'd give a damn about a league as shitty ass as the MLS, or give two shits about yet another shitty ass team owned by MLSE (Maple Leafs Sports Entertainment)? The thing is, the rest of my entire family loves the sport of soccer, and that actually includes both my parents and grandparents. I'm sure we'll all go to some Toronto FC game next year as a whole, and maybe I can start seeing that same damn something in the sport that the rest of the world apparently perceives?...

... and that my brother starting seeing while doused in European flavour and fever as well?...

He thought he'd love the Winning Eleven series though, enough so that he made it the first game he himself bought since Halo fucking 2...

But he got bored of it, just like I did. It's not just that it's so damn frustrating to score, but it's also that it just gets to be a mind-numbing nuisance of an experience to rarely ever be able to break down the defence corps of your opponent at all. Without any real goals to the game (ha?), there just ain't much excitement even when my brother and I are playing against one another. WTF?...

Sure, the controls are sublime for what Winning Eleven is trying to achieve, and that is to perfectly emulate the game of soccer. And I think Konami did an excellent job at that, in all facets of realism and authenticity. At one point when my brother was playing Winning Eleven 9, from a distance even I actually thought he was watching a replay of the fucking World Cup...

Sure, I watched the World Cup this year. And apparently, so did the rest of Canada, considering ratings for soccer have been so much higher this year than any other tournament before...

I'm probably one of the few Superman fans out there who not only have never seen the original films, but rather refuse to watch them since they seem so goddam inane and ridiculous, even compared to the source comic books. Sure, maybe twenty years ago people could believe that a superhero could turn back time by spinning the world backwards on its axis or throw cellophane S-symbols at Kryptonian enemies, but I just don't see it working in this day and age any longer...

And since I'm a member of the new breed of comic book lore? The fact of the matter is, I was disappointed as hell when I learned that Superman would rather just return and not be reborn. I loved Batman Begins and I really do think that the Superman series needed a complete reboot on film, if only for the current generation of comic book movie watchers like me out there today. And I absolutely couldn't stand Bryan Singer's man-whore crush on the original films, to the point where he even duplicated the goddam primitive computer effects of the opening credits of the past. WTF?...

Who the fuck does he think he is? George Lucas? WTF? What the fuck was he thinking, because?...

"Superman gets his ass kicked by Kumar? Kumar? WTF?... And where the fuck was Harold then, Mr. 'bullets, my one weakness; how did you know'? Could he beat Superman's ass too? WTF?"...

It never gets old. Or at least, it should get old but it never does, how dumbass Superman can be whenever kryptonite is involved. I mean, shouldn't he have just stayed at a distance and threw fucking rocks like meteorites at Lex Luthor on his new little island, considering that not only has Kryptonite been stolen from a museum, but that fucking Jor'el had probably told him that the growth crystals inherit the properties of their surrounding minerals as well? And yet Superman makes the fifty year old mistake of just sweeping in, posing for Parker Posey, and thinking it would all go to plan? WTF?...

Alright, I think it's safe to say that the plotline of Superman Returns seems about as hokey as an average episode of goddam Smallville. Why the fuck is Lex Luthor trying to grow a new continent, when the Fortress of Solitude plainly proves that not only are the crystals too damn useless to make flat land to build on, but that there's no fucking way you can grow food or irrigate on the rocks it creates with fresh water either? Why the fuck would people move to his new continent, when besides having a land mass itself, there's no fucking way to survive there in the first place? And how the fuck is telling all this to Lois Lane supposed to make things run smoother? Can't the US military just nuke his bald ass to hell? WTF?...

Then again, we're talking about comic book movies here, where Batman villains using microwave emitters to make a city go psychotic is considered a "smart" plotline in this day and age. Whatever...

I just expected more from Kevin Spacey, you know? He's a damn fine actor, but his role as Lex Luthor here was marred right off the bat by the fact that Bryan Singer has a fucking hard on for the dumb as shit Lex Luthor of the past. I was hoping for something more along the lines of Michael Rosenbaum's portrayal of the character in Smallville, where he's a ruthless businessman who will do anything for power. We got that in Superman Returns at first when he's giving his huge speech about Prometheus and bringing fire to the people, but then we got the dumbass version of the 70's character chewing on his toothbrush as Lois Lane screams like a bitch at fucking wigs of all things? How the fuck is he ever supposed to be threatening? WTF?...

Lex Luthor in Superman Returns was instead treated as the goddam comic relief, spinning out some insane realty plan just like he did in the first Superman film or whatever sort of crap. As a result, Superman never really faces an opponent worthy of his strength and challenge. I mean for God's sakes, Superman got the beat down by Kumar of all people, and Lex Luthor was once again too damn dumbass to just stab Clark Kent in the eye with his fucking kryptonite sliver. Instead, he stabbed the super-healing wonder in the one place where it would take him the longest to possibly die, and then just assumed it would all go to plan. I can take this shit in the comic books and cartoons, but Batman Begins has made me expect a hell of a lot more from the line of DC graphical novel movies...

Really, the climax of the film involved Superman bench-pressing the equivalent of Hawaii, and even that wasn't done to my satisfaction. I know that he had just gotten a supercharge from the Sun and all, and sure he was lifting a large part of the seabed that was beneath the kryptonite structure for the most part, but how the fuck can Superman possibly lift more than ten thousand tonnes of mass into fucking space when halfway up, fucking kryptonite crystals started fucking with his ear. And didn't he still have a piece of that kryptonite shit in his gut? We're just supposed to assume that because he was being all badass for Lois, that he can defeat his one true weakness of bullets all of a sudden? WTF?...

It's kind of sad that the most "realistic" character in Superman Returns turned out to be Richard White in the end. He was a strong character in terms of doing what's right and being completely pussy whipped by Lois Lane, even if she loved another man. But the thing is, must James Marsden and fucking Cyclops always be the fucking bitch in the love triangle? He got the beat down by Wolverine in the X-men movies, then got fucking vaporized by his own ungrateful girlfriend, and now he's gone over to the DC world to get the cold shaft by another bitch yet again?...

And yet you know something is wrong with a film, when Cyclops of all superheroes rescues Superman from the depths of the ocean. And something is definitely wrong, when you actually feel that James Marsden is the top damn actor in a goddam movie...

Both Perry White and Jimmy Olsen were decently casted I guess, but there just wasn't enough time in the film to handle either of those characters with the respect that they deserve. Perry had a huge spiel about why the hell Superman was wearing new tights in his return, and Jimmy at least welcomed Clark Kent back to the office with open arms. But besides that, these characters were invisible for the most part, with Perry even looking like a complete dumbass whenever he ignored the blackout and the fact that Lex Luthor was missing in action yet again. Don't these characters ever learn?...

After watching Smallville for so many years, I was actually expecting that Ma Kent would get some decent screen time over in Superman Returns. But it's shameful to admit that I wanted her to roll over and die as she was waiting for Clark to revive outside of the hospital at the end, as she absolutely had no fucking impact on the movie whatsoever. Even fucking Parker Posey was able to steal the show, bringing over her Blade 3 vampire dogs to cannibalize each other, and at least Kitty did a decent job in bringing to life the old skool feeling of the 50's with her distractions of outfits. But what the fuck did Martha Kent do? Disturb us all by fondling her fucking naked son as he crashed landed back on earth? Is that where he got his stalker sixth sense from? WTF?...

Does she count as a MILF? Why was she barely featured in the film whatsoever? Is that why Harold was nowhere to be found? WTF?...

And why the fuck did Superman have to go back to Krypton naked? How the fuck did he even get to shit in his little spacecraft? WTF?...

It was just lame that Superman would return to Krypton in a two and a half year journey, just to check out the scenery and go, "yup, it's dead". And then soar all the way back and arrive on earth five years later, as if fucking Lois Lane wouldn't have moved on with her life or the world didn't blow itself to shit. Now, I'm sure that somebody out there would've noticed the coincidence of Superman, Clark Kent and Lex Luthor all returning to the front page of the news on the very same day. However, that day certainly isn't today nor will it ever be at the Daily Planet...

The newcomer to the series was the son of Superman, who affected me so damn little throughout the course of the film that I don't even remember his goddam name. He was plagued with asthma and allergies the whole way through, which probably will prevent any Marvel vs DC battles featuring Superman Jr. anytime soon. But we know that he's indeed the son of the son of Krypton, simply because of the fact he tore the generic dumbass guard of the week a new one. I liked how he didn't even understand the extent of his powers, but I did not enjoy the fact that future sequels will be fucked over by the fucking annoying new kid on the block...

That's how the series is going, if the kid doesn't meet an untimely demise in the next fucking film...

Because when a fucking child shoving a piano is one of your biggest suspense scenes, then you know something is fucking wrong...

Superman Returns was simply not an action film. In fact, the only decent action sequence in the whole two and half movie came nearly at the start, when Superman returns to save the plane with Lois Lane on it from crashing into a fucking American baseball stadium of all things. How iconic...

Now, don't get me wrong. I loved that scene to death, even if we knew nobody was really in danger. Just the sights and sounds of seeing Superman lift the fucking plane as if were a toy was spectacular, and he even added a bit of comic relief there in the end as well. I didn't see the film in IMAX, but I assume it would've looked simply amazing to watch Superman soar right on by the speeding plane crashing down to earth. But like I said, that was the only truly great action sequence in the entire film, and that just doesn't feel right for the comic book genre...

Talk about teen angst here. And I thought I was watching a Superman film, not fucking Smallville of all things...

Kate Bosworth was worth the role of the long lost love of Clark Kent, but not the role of Lois Lane. I know that she's settled down with her son and with poor fucking abused Cyclops of all losers, and therefore she wouldn't be quite the sassy girl she once was. But what really bugs me is that she had absolutely none of that old flair, but rather just spent the entire movie pining over the man of steel. She was simply there as a fucking prop to be in love and fall in love with the hero of the day. And sure, Kate did a great job at that, but the story just didn't let her be a good Lois Lane, you know?...

But this is a Superman film we're talking about here. Who the fuck cares about anything else than Superman?...

Brandon Routh was obviously taken not just because he looks a bit like Christopher Reeve, but because he acts almost identically to him as well. Bryan Singer still has a hard-on for the Superman of the 70's and 80's, just like so many nostalgics do (although Reeve did kick ass, God rest his soul). But isn't it time that we had a bit of a new take on Superman? Perhaps, but at least I did enjoy what we were given here for what it's Bos-worth...

There have always been two sides to Superman, and Brandon Routh pretty much nailed both to a perfect T (or the letter 'S', if you prefer). Smallville as a series has always been lacking simply because, except for the plaid, Clark Kent has never really felt like the nerdy Clark Kent. That's not the case here, where Superman is just so uncoordinated as his daily reporter self that he literally does look like he's going to fall over whenever he gets hit by a book, or trip in embarrassment everytime he watches Lois behind her desk. The thing about Smallville is that Clark never even bothers to pretend like he has an alter ego in that series, while here in Superman Returns, it almost feels natural for Clark Kent to be such a klutz. I mean, the guy even has a geekier hand wave than I do, and how the fuck could you not appreciate that?...

Then of course, there's the true face of Superman. Brandon Routh really does seem like a completely different character when he dons the cape, and I really enjoyed his performance as the show-boaty, cocky as hell Superman. I mean, was it really necessary for him to face down that Gatling Gun as if it was the toughest SOB he ever met, and then just let the bastard try to shoot him with a bullet to the eye? WTF?...

I suppose it was all necessary, just for shits and giggles, because that's what makes Superman who he is. He's smart and strong (obviously), the cocky bastard of a alpha man. Brandon Routh just contrasts the face of Superman so damn much with Clark Kent wearing those glasses he never needs, that the two really do feel like completely different people. As stupid as Richard White and Lois seemed for never seeing through the whole secret identity charade, I could almost believe it here thanks to Brandon Routh truly bringing and being the best of both worlds...

Or three worlds actually, as there has always been the third side to Superman, the side that nobody really wants to admit...

Was it just me, or did he look like he was almost feeling up Lois Lane with his X-ray vision? Sure, he was playing doctor and checking her out, but it was clear as daylight that he was also "checking her out". And is it really necessary for him to keep invading her privacy, by seeing right through the walls of her house when she's not even looking, or hoping to God that she undresses in the elevators like he always does? Does he just like kinky office nooners and shit like that, because everyone knows he probably X-ray scans the woman's washrooms everytime Lois Lane needs to finger out some relief on her afternoon breaks...

And the thing is, I loved this side of Superman. As creepy as it all was, Brandon Routh pulls it off to the point where he really does seem more like a man desperately in love rather than just a sick stalker like that Spiderman bastard over in New York...

And then there was the fourth side of Superman, the self-fullfilling prophecy that the son would become the father. He was no longer the last son of Krypton, and I actually found it touching how he cared so much for the child that didn't yet know who he was. Maybe it's just the nostalgic in me, even though I never watched the original films or some shit like that, but I really did feel a connection with the words of Jor'el that Superman was now passing on to his son. Sure, I may hate the kid as much as the world hates Dakota Fanning, but I really do think Brandon Routh pulled off the father and son aspect of the film to near perfection...

Now, the thing is, I did almost expect Superman Returns to suck ass as much as Cyclops ever had. I mean, like I said before, I am no fan of the original four films (or the first two films, since even Bryan Singer is ignoring the latter two). I really did hope for a reboot of the series, for a Superman Begins where he beats on Batman's ass or some crap like that...

... but that didn't stop Bryan Singer and his man-whore crush on the blue tights, of course...

Because what we got instead, was a flawed movie that still felt like a true homage to the epic of Superman, if only because of Brandon Routh's amazing performance. And if only because of the love and attention to detail that only Bryan Singer can bring to a comic book film...

From every sonic boom and every heat flare from the atmosphere, from every gust of wind to the very way that Superman would float so effortlessly and magically in the air, I really did think that Bryan Singer brought to life all the little things that made and still make Superman the true hero that we all cherish and love. Probably my most memorable moment of the entire film was when Lois Lane reached for her cellphone in zero gravity, when she and we all experience the calm before the storm, while Superman billows by the window sill at blistering speeds...

Now, I may always lament the lack of action in Superman Returns, but it really did feel like a real Superman film, you know? The heart and soul were all here in spades and plaid...

And despite all my reservations and hesitations? Well, I will still be there, front row and centre, yet again...

Y2kk Update: - Activision's / Neversoft Entertainment's Gun Microsoft Xbox Review (Spoilers...) -

Just in case you two readers didn't notice (not like anyone would notice), I actually write quite a bit about video games outside of this main page of mine. Hell, I probably have at least a couple hundred Xbox and Gamecube reviews on my other pages by now, simply because that's how I spend my weekends, sadly. Writing up shit that nobody will ever read or know about, even if they bother checking out my main noname page...

Well, I normally don't post my minor gaming reviews on this main page of mine, since most of the time they're nothing more than short and shit. But I was writing my Gun review this morning, and thought to myself that perhaps it merited a bit more limelight in the sunset than it originally would've gotten. I just finished the game myself, and while it's not quite a surreal experience or anything (like my review below may state), it was pretty damn satisfying still in the end. For a game that costed me just ten measly bucks, that is...

So just in case you're as bored as I am, here's my review of the Xbox version of Gun...

You know, I even laughed when the name of the game just appeared on the screen in the most overly of epic of fashions, the very moment after I slaughtered some bear with my two bare hands or some shit like that. I mean, here in my hands I had a game from goddam Activision of all shit publishers, a game that did horribly on the market that I had just picked for ten fucking bucks from the local bargain basement bin at The Great Canadian Superstore...

So how the fuck could "Gun" of all series have the audacity to have the most cinematic-like openings of all time? It just had to be all forced and a fluke, right?...

The thing is though, no matter how much I tried to shrug it off, I still somehow felt a little sliver of a goosebump of a shiver down my spine. There was just something about the whole presentation of Gun to me, that perhaps really did separate it from all the rest...

I've never been a big fan of Westerns in film, but I have watched Maverick time and time again. The film just never gets boring to me, either because my age old MILF crush on old skool Jodie Foster still hasn't subsided, or simply because I love the combination of six shooters, six packs and fucking five card draws. Maverick to me is one of my favourite comedy films of all time, and yet it's probably the only "Western" I've ever really truly enjoyed in my life to date (and Back to the Future 3 doth not count). Still, I always found it weird how majestic and misty eyed I feel everytime I do pop in that goddam low-res DVD film of mine, as there's just something about the Great Wild West that still gets the best of me, even to this day...

I've never been a big fan of Westerns in gaming either, simply because? Well... what Western games?...

I missed out on Red Dead Revolver the year before, but besides that? The last decent Western game I could even remember, was goddam Sunset Riders from Konami in arcades during the fucking SNES days. And even that was overshadowed in my eyes by the kickass TMNT, Simpsons, and especially X-Men arcades back then...

But as soon as I tore the claws off of that fucking insane bear with my own two bare hands? I dunno, but I just felt the spirit of the Cougar rush over me or something, as the atmosphere of Gun suddenly won me over. Whether it was the steamboat that followed or the fact that Kris Kristoff-whatever is one sure as hell kickass voice actor (Blade 2 kicked ass, by the way), I just somehow felt a unique connection to Gun that I don't think I've really felt outside of a Nintendo or Shenmue game, at least not in recent years...

Part of it is obviously the huge presentation value of the game. While some might say Activision took the easy way out and used preset cutscenes for all their cinematics rather than building them straight into the gameplay (Half Life style), I actually welcomed the return to old skool gaming movie scenes. Especially after I had just beated Half Life 2: Episode 1 and found it to be utter dog shit, but that's besides the point...

The graphics in Gun still looked awful as hell, no matter how hard Activision tried to pump up the detail level in cutscenes, but the motion capture of each and every character was absolutely incredible. Colton walked a bit too much like a stiff lodged with spurs (which he is), but characters like Hoodoo and the preacher were done exceptionally well in movement, in my honest opinion at least. And hell, as fugly as Jenny looked as a whore, she still walked and truly presented herself as goddam fucking provocative, something that I rarely witness in movies let alone in a goddam video game...

And obviously the main reason why Gun had such a surreal, movie-like atmosphere to it was because it really did have big name, movie-calibre actors. I already mentioned the man of the hour from Blade, playing Ned Flanders here (or whatever) to sheer badass father perfection, but what about Ron Perlman? He did absolutely awesome as a villain here, probably better than I've witnessed him ever do outside of fucking Hellboy in movies. And even the actor for Colton, whatever his name was, kept me interested in the storyline the whole way through...

The story itself was shallow, as all it basically consisted of was a city full of gold and a railroad Confederate desperate to strike fucking rich. We got a somewhat interesting backstory on Ned and his surrogate son Colton, but the plot did turn out to be pretty rail-way thin in the end. Then again, since when did a plot ever really matter in a fucking Western anyhew? I've seen so many fucking great action cutscenes in Gun, from Jenny getting it on in a bathtub to Hoodoo begging for mercy from the quick of the draw, that the entire experience of Gun was definitely one of the best pleasant surprises I've had in this modern age of consoles...

Sure, there are absolutely a ton of flaws in Gun, the biggest of which is the length. So many have complained that this game is a rental at best, simply because if you rush through the main storyline, it probably will only take you four or five hours to complete. I just don't see this as a problem though, considering "classics" like Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time are barely any longer, and I'm now the type of guy who doesn't have endless hours on my working weekdays to see a lengthy epic the whole way through...

While most of the sidequests are boring and repetitive (the pony express ones especially), they also do add on another three or four hours to the total gameplay of Gun, and that ain't half bad by today's short gaming standards. Besides, most of the Denton side stories are fun enough to run through, if only because the controls in Gun were surprisingly just as natural feeling as having a fucking six shooter in the goddam palm of your own hand (and dual wielding in this game is actually fun, for some goddam reason)...

I was shocked and absolutely floored by the fact that Activision actually managed to nearly perfect the controls in Gun, the same way that early Tony Hawk Pro Skater games may have had at the start. Obviously the basic Halo controls all ring true here, with R to shoot, X to melee, and L to throw explosive cocktails and dynamite (although of course Gun never reaches Halo 1 blissful levels of sublime). I just wish the camera system was improved though (though I don't have any real complaints about it), and switching weapons by holding down the white or black button really is a pain. And analog stick accuracy for the rifle and sniper is pretty piss poor most of the time, but I definitely learned and yearned in the end to compensate for all this, simply because of the fucking art of the bloody hell quick draw...

I normally hate "Bullet Time" in goddam games, and I've heard my fair share of complaints from gamers about it being overused here in Gun. Sure, it made the game easy as hell in the end, but it was so fucking addicting to get headshot after headshot after fucking headshot in slow motion, that how the fuck could I not fall in love with Gun? Quickdraw has provided some of the best damn moments I've felt in a game in months, especially when I'm shooting right through the black heart of bastards galloping on stallions. You just feel so damn overpowered with the quickdraw feature on, that how the hell can't I love being the fucking Superman or Neo of the goddam Great Wild West?...

That was probably the biggest complaint that gamers had about Gun, that the world just wasn't large enough to warrant a purchase of the game. And while since there are only two towns to explore (Dodge and Empire) and nothing but a whole lot of nothing inbetween, I sort of do agree? The thing is, I never wanted Grand Theft Auto in the Great Wild West in the first place, even if that was what was promised. I am not a fan of the overly expansive worlds where you have no clue where to go or what to do next. I do like certain elements of non-linearity, and maybe that's why I enjoyed Gun? It was too timid and too low-brow to really create a Grand Theft Auto world full of bustling people and sidequests, but it had just enough of that GTA touch to it that it felt welcome to gamers like me who still love the linear games of the past...

There's just something about the overall atmosphere of Gun, that draws me in like a fucking quick draw shot. Maybe it's the beautiful (though static) sunsets, or maybe it's because the ranches and the mountains and the hills all look so damn epic from far distance as you're scanning the horizon. Maybe I'm just a fan of all the low-res particle effects or the simplistic waterfalls by the Apache reserves, maybe I'm old skool like that, I dunno. All I do know, is that everything in the world of Gun, no matter if individually it's all anything but a technical masterpiece? It all just comes together so damn well as a single whole in the end, that it surprised and impressed the hell out of me in the same fucking way as Freedom Fighters and fucking Shenmue II have done in the past. Well done...

Or maybe I just like the fucking horses. While I still haven't tried Shadow of the Colossus, I must say that Gun has absolutely the best fucking horse rides I've felt since fucking Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time. There just isn't a single damn moment where I don't enjoy galloping across the Badlands on the back of a fucking beaut of a Mustang, as the wind billows by my cowboy hat and I quickdraw the hell out of some bandits on my ass. Just the overall package of the animation, framerate, vibrant colours, wonderful sound effects, and fucking musical score of epic proportions makes the whole damn experience of Gun, of riding off into the fucking sunset, into one of the best damn feelings I've had this entire generation of gaming...

And I'm shocked. Shocked that not only would I love a Western game, but that I enjoyed a fucking Activision game as well...

Sure, Gun has flaws. Piss poor graphics, overly easy and short missions, and the fact that you can bizarrely skin Native American heads with a scalpel just for shits and giggles, just to mention a few? A game with flaws, yes. But what series doesn't?...

Because as soon as the name of "Gun" slowly dithered and faded on screen, and I laughed my arse off all the way to the bank at just how epic Activision of all companies was trying to make their new goddam trilogy of a series?...

Well, the thing is, just like I shook my head at just how pathetic I thought Shenmue 2 was at first? I found myself shaking my head once again at just how wrong I was about Gun...

And now I'm the one hollering and clamouring for the goddam trilogy to be finished. Now I'm the one who's actually disappointed that I didn't pick up Gun when it first came out, and did my part to ensure that Activision does complete this goddam trilogy of a game (instead of just being the one who laughs at the fact that the goddam next two in the series have already been cancelled due to low sales)...

I mean, there's just something about having a fucking six shooter in your hand as you gallop with the wind, that I just didn't get enough of from any other goddam game in this generation of gaming... not until Zelda: Twilight Princess is released, at least...

Because just like I fell in love for Maverick and never get bored of it, despite the fact that I know it's a fucking lame ass movie?...

Well, I'm just shocked that I felt the same damn way, the very moment I skinned a bear alive with my own bare two hands...

[c. visitors too bored to return...]
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