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Y2kk Update: I've had a long and rocky and bumpy, Warthog road of love and hate history with Halo... sort of like the 60s... I still remember how much I damn wanted Xbox at launch, just for this game... and eventually, I got what I wanted... not the Xbox, but rather the game... Not that I had the game mind you, but you know what I'm saying... I was at my sister's apartment, and her boyfriend had just gotten the Xbox with Halo from a friend... I still remember that weekend at Bernie's of mine, as if it were the night I shot Barney the Dinosaur as he slept... or as I slept... Because I was sleeping at the time, as was logged in my Tweakui update of that week. The fire alarm was new in my sister's condo, so it kept going off at the most inopportune of intervals. Eventually, my sister got fed ex upped with all the crap, and decided to give the management boys a piece of her mind... Flash forward three hours later, and I see her finally returning to the apartment. It seems that on her way down to the office, she remembered that the exits to the stairs get locked during fire alarms, and she got stuck out there like a lucky monkey in the middle ever since she left... it was great...

But what wasn't so great, was my first impressions experience with Halo that night. Before that whole condo-on-fire-only-not-actually-on-fire fiasco happened, I just happened to have wasted my entire day away watching the Playboy channel with a friend, and running through as much of the Halo single player campaign as I could on Normal... the Playboy channel eventually got boring (there's only so much of Cleopatra in the future porn that one man can take...), but the thing about Halo, was that it never got exciting. The weapons were all of the best variety that I've seen since Goldeneye, and the music was epic as hell. The sound effects were all of the best sample quality I had ever heard (except for Cortana, who still sounds awful in stereo sound for some odd reason...), as even the noise of the shields recharging got stuck in my head like the sound of music... The only problem was, that the bad guys got repetitive over the long while, and don't get me started on the stages... or at least, don't get me started on them yet... And by the time it was time to finally settle down for slumber, I had gotten my way all the way to the introduction of the Flood. I never did make it all the way to that 343 Guilty Spark guy, but I got to watch that dumbass Aliens video clonehead at least... And considering I've heard only great things about the Halo single-player storyline, I was devastated that my Halo campaigning days were abruptly over. I had to see the ending, because it just had to be good, considering the parts of the plot that I had seen were Half Life crap... so a few months down the road, before my brother quit his job at Blockbuster, we rented an Xbox, and on the very last day we had it, Halo finally showed up back on his store shelves. So fully knowing that I only had a few frickin' hours to finish the entire game, I selected Easy difficulty this time, and literally ran my ass threw every single damn stage, only stopping to shoot bastard Convenant out of boredom... and, well...

You know, the funny thing was... the ironic thing was... I FRICKIN' ONLY GOT TO THE SAME DAMN STAGE AS I ENDED ON BEFORE!!!@!... I mean goddammit, I only got 2 hours of goddam Halo playing time before I had to give that goddam, larger-than-any-VCR-I've-ever-seen crap box back to the store, and honestly... honest Edly... although making it through five or so of those massive stages in just two hours was quite an accomplishment, what wasn't an accomplishment (or if it was, it was an ironic one) was that I goddam ended on exactly the same damn stage as I did my last time through!... And ARGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!... I was just so pissed that I would possibly never be able to see the uber ending of what I still believed to be the best plotline for a first person shooter ever, that in my desperation, I looked up story spoilers on the net, and before I knew it, I had finally found the truth... the truth and reconciliation... and now I'll have to reconcile with the fact that... quite frankly put...

Flash forward a whole year later... As soon as my brother and I bought our Xbox the other week, I just knew that I needed Halo as the first game in our collection... so I lent him the money to get what he considers to be the "best game ever made", period... and what was the first thing he said when we popped the disc into our Xbox's slot?... he was so damn excited... because Halo has the best plotline in any game, period... and ugghh... After the game was finally over (we played it through Normal in co-op mode), he could safely and soundly say as I could and did, that Halo's plotline reeks of suckiness. It sucks at everything but suckiness... The plot was done in Aliens, it was done in Metroid, and it was pretty much done better in both... storyline wise, at least... But if you few readers out there haven't noticed yet, this is supposed to be a review of Halo: Combat Evolved the game, and I really haven't talked about the game yet, now have I?... but short story short, if you want the brunt of the grunt of my review right now, I'll honestly say that while Halo is a great first person shooter, it definitely isn't the revelation of the reckoning or the be-all-end-all of all games as even my brother claims it is. It's hardly "Combat Evolved"... at most, I'll say it's "Combat Involved"... but it's pretty damn fine combat at that...

First things first, the single player campaign sucks in this game. I've now played through it four times (I'm beating it on Heroic co-op as we speak), and I can honestly agree that this game was definitely rushed to be an Xbox launch title. The stages themselves are bland, with the same room being Metal Gear reduxed or whatever over and over again. This was apparent enough in the earlier stages, but at least in those, the designers tried to shake the trend with an odd outdoor scene or two in the mix. But really, the stage of The Library is a perfect example of why Halo's single-player barely holds a candle to its Goldeneye and Perfect Dark predecessors. All that goddam Library stage consisted of, was a linear path where endless hordes of Flood zombies come at you until you die from just getting bored and laying down your guard (to hopefully get laid by Cleopatra... but, um... too much porn for me...)... I'll give credit to Halo, for having only short bursts of loading times despite having the longest damn stages I have ever seen (although I'll take my credit back for having the damn longest loading screens before each and every stage...). But the fact is, the stages are too damn long... Even my brother was waning off by the time that goddam Monitor got to a bloody cut-scene, as fifty damn minutes of damn senseless killing was even too much for him (and checkpoints don't save in co-op)... honestly, except for maybe the Truth and Reconciliation, which has the two-punch variety of the sniping exterior and the Covenant ship interior, I can safely say that every damn stage in this damn game doesn't just suck. They all lick balls... Hell, even the final stage had me rolling my rolling thunder eyes. It was a pain to blow up the fusion cores, as the damn Sentinels kept coming out of nowhere. And it was a damn pain to drive that Warthog out of the ass of the ship, if only because... um... I can't drive...

But all because the stages suck in the game, doesn't mean the game was boring... Because literally almost every single mechanic built into the game didn't just feel realistic... they felt, well... fun... They felt like they were made for the Xbox controller, both the large and the S versions... First of all, I can't rave enough of how damn great the flashlight is in this game. Not only is the sound of switching it on and off enough to keep me tapping the white rabbit button, but the simple fact that it literally affects everything on screen (with lighting... not sure about shadows) makes it an amazing effect that even PCs might not be able to handle... And the aiming in this game? Even before I got used to dual shock controls, I already had the aiming in this game down pat. At sensitivity level 3, I could already take out everything in the skies but the best of Banshees and the most hidden of Covenant snipers. And I've heard of a few who can play at control sensitivity 10 better than even most Counterstrike PC players that I know... And just the fact that Halo is a console FPS is great enough for the simple fact that simply put, Master Chief doesn't run as fast as a damn, Cheetah lunatic on Cheetos. In PC games, army men and terrorists run insanely fast Quake 3 speeds, just to make some damn challenge for an Optical Mouse user. But honestly, games like Unreal Tournament 2003 and Counterstrike just don't feel "real" when you're jumping around in strafing circles at 70 mph... and although the alien environments in Halo are the last things I want to call "realistic", the fact is that Master Chief's speed is the most realistic fighting speed since Goldeneye first appeared on shelves. Sure, PC fans will always shout about the game being too damn easy or having too damn slow walking speeds in that sense, but a PC FPS is not what I want. Ever since Perfect Dark, I just wanted a console FPS that just felt right... and now I have it... with Combat Involved...

I've already commented that the single player stages and most of the bad guys (grunts, ghosts, hunters, all flood bastards) all suck in the game in my opinion... they're tedious to repeatedly kill, and rather monotonous at times with their strategies... But what counts most in a FPS to me at least, are the weapons... and God, Halo is a godsend for weapons. The sniper rifle is dead strong and accurate, as using the right analog for the zoom scope was a brilliant idea. My only problem is that the left analog doesn't toggle between crouching on and off, as it really is annoying to hold down my thumb just to get a steady shot (I end up losing my shot instead...)... And the alien weapons, with possibly the exception of the Needler, not only have a real alien feel to them (my brother whines that he's betraying humanity by using Convenant weapons), but also are damn hell useful in combat. Hell, even on Normal difficulty and especially higher up, human weapons are useless on the Covenant. And it really is damn fun to power up the Plasma Pistol, Samus Aran style, as unloading it on an unsuspecting Elite (who are the only cool Convenent badasses if you ask me, especially when they're cloaked) is just pure orgasmic joy. The weapons that the Elite carry are pretty damn nice as well, as they rarely overheat, and even if they do, it just feels so damn nice to switch between the two weapons you have before the Convenant ever have a chance to recover...

And really, that was perhaps Halo's greatest innovation. The two weapon system or the two towers system or whatever the hell you want to call it... When I first heard of it, I scoffed at the idea that I wouldn't be able to scroll through 20 different weapons that my magic belt buckle would magically be able to hold... But honestly, not only does the two tier or whatever idea add a real strategic element to the game, of deciding which two weapons are the best for each situation, but it also is damn fun to scrounge around for a new battery to replace the old Covenant pistol every few baddies or so... And while this isn't the greatest innovation, honestly to me, the best done feature in Halo just has to be the damn Covenant plasma grenades. Although I wish that shooting with a gun afterwards would set the flares off early ala Timesplitters 2, there's no denying that it's damn funny watching even badass Elites jumping out of the way of a little smoking flame... There's no denying that it's damn delectable to smack a damn grenade on the back of a Hunter and watch him squirm. And honestly, simply the effect of seeing a chain of grenades blast a bunch of dead grunts off a bridge platform and all the way down to the abyss below, is simply one of the most damn satisfying FPS moments in any game, period... and still manages to make me maniacally laugh to this day, but I digress... I've always been a fan of grenades, and especially grenade launchers. And I can honestly say that no game has ever done the grenade feature better than Halo has. Sure, it's annoying at times when I accidentally tap the L button and a grenade sticks to my foot, but honestly... the sight of seeing me fly in a brilliant white explosion of fire is worthy enough of the sacrifice in all its splendor...

But you see, that's also the problem... Convenant weapons are just so damn gullibly good in this game, like a damn gorgy lullaby, that... um... it makes the human weapons look comparably bad... or in layman's terms: the human weapons flat out suck... And I'm serious. While the Marine pistol is shockingly accurate from long distance, it is absolutely useless in this game except when a zoom scope is needed. And while the rocket launcher does serious damage to any Convenant tank, it's simply too rare in the single player campaign to be of any use... And the frag grenades? The problems is, they don't bounce enough. While the plasma grenades always damn land where I want them too (normally and nominally in the middle of unsuspecting cloaked Elites...), the damn frags never bounce off walls the way I intend, or ever cause enough damage to be useful other than blowing up my own men (I want my Granada grenade launcher back...)... But oh, the worst of the worst, and the sole reason that I still shake my head and fist at Bungie today... is the damn Assault Rifle... I mean honestly, here we have what I consider to be the first damn machine gun ever done right in a FPS, on any platform, since Goldeneye... hell, with rumble on, the Halo Assault Rifle is possibly the best damn feeling machine gun ever made in a game, period... But then Bungie screws us all over for what they consider fucking "game balance", and makes the damn Assault Rifle the damn weakest weapon in the whole, friggin' game. It takes long enough to kill grunts with them on Heroic level, but to kill an Elite? Short bursts help curb the recoil, but honestly... it should not take two damn clips of 60 damn bullets each time to kill one damn bad guy, that one damn shot from one goddam plasma pistol can take out! And it's frustrating! It's absolutely frustrating, that my favourite gun in the game, of any game, possibly of all time... ABSOLUTELY FRIGGIN' SUCKS CRAP!!!... it has no sniper scope, it has no long range, and I have no frickin' laser beams attached to my head!... The only damn thing the rifle is good for, is taking out Banshees and occasionally the odd Ghost or two, but that's about it. And I will never forgive Bungie for this... never... And honestly... Jebus, seriously! Geez!... I know Aliens set the precedent, but still... it just irks me at times that humans 500 years from now, with interstellar travel all mastered and everything, still use goddam guns that can't hold more than goddam 60 bullets at a time! I mean goddammit, we had better weapons in fucking Vietnam, for Christ's sakes! You can buy better goddam guns at fucking Wal-Mart! ... but I guess, umm, that's besides the point...

There's three other things about Halo's single player that I'd better report on, otherwise I'd get flamed for being an ignorant fanboy (not that anyone will ever read this review, mind you)... Besides the grenades, probably my favourite addition in Halo to the FPS genre has been the regenerative shielding. Not only does it look damn cool to get hit, and not only does it add a bit of strategy to back off and guard whenever shields get low, but I can't get enough of screaming to my brother, "Shields are done to 15%, captain! She can't take much more of this!!!", but, umm... I guess that's besides the point too... Anyhew, moving along... literally... Vehicles have been implemented in FPS games on the PC multiple times, but I honestly could never get into them... literally... I could never figure out how to goddam work them with the goddam keyboard... And while I'm no fan of the Warthog or the Ghost controls myself, the fact of the matter is, the dual analog implementation is the most intuitive FPS vehicle control scheme that I've ever been privileged to use. While certain vehicles are more death-traps than blessings (Ghosts get shot down way too easily, the tank's machine gun sucks more than the Assault Rifle, and I keep flying into walls with the Banshee, but that's besides the point), I can't deny the fact that I've seen players who can drive the Warthog better than a real car, and man can they floor it while firing... and the other thing that Halo does so damn well?... the AI... hell, they even took a page out of Andromeda's book by having a female, computer AI for the ship (except I want my Lexa Doggie Style!... um, sorry... I meant, "Doig"gie style...)... And honestly, I've already mentioned the way Elites jump for their lives at the sight of a grenade at their feet. But after playing through the game on Heroic, I can honestly say that I'm noticing more and more the ways that Elites cower behind rocks and bunker behind walls, only to strike 2 fast and 2 furiously when you least suspect them to do so. It's amazing at times to see grunts cover each other as one prepares a grenade "down in front", and it's just as satisfying to see my own men leap for cover like a bunch of rag-tag losers holding the worst assault rifles in history... and I've only heard even better things about Legendary difficulty, which I'm scared to try, if only because those damn laser-sword bastards kept killing me in one damn hit on even Normal of all difficulties... but if there's one problem I have with the AI, it's with the humans. Because let's face it - they flat out suck. I would kill them myself if they didn't turn on me, not that that's much of a problem, considering they suck so damn badly that they all usually die from my first damn frag grenade... People always talk about how damn great it is to fight with forces on your side. Even my brother used that as an excuse as why Halo is the best game ever made... but while it adds a hell of a lot to the atmosphere, just to here the Sarge order men around or to see cowardly soldiers shooting a little something extra at dead Elites that I've killed, the fact is... once you get over the novelty of having an army at your side... well... I'd rather just kill them for their ammo. They can't do anything productive, or useful, and whenever I face a tank or a hunter, they're dead within a second... no wonder Earth is losing the damn war...

And I would talk about multiplayer mayhem, except for one thing... I haven't played any of it yet... I haven't tried a LAN game, which reportedly never gets boring. And I've never tried XBconnect or GamespyArcade, as laggy as they supposedly are, as I don't have two NIC cards in my computer right now... But I can definitely vouch for one thing: the co-op in Halo is not only the best damn multiplayer in this generation of gaming, but absolutely the best damn thing to return from the SNES days ever. In single-player, I get bored after shooting just a couple of those damn thousands of Flood brain bastards... but on co-op? Sure, it helps that we never die (considering my brother and I always manage to respawn), but even without that... it's just so damn satisfying to shout to my brother, "grenade!", or lay out out a plan to attack a Hunter from two separate vectors... and I'm sure LAN parties would be just as grand with Halo, as even if the game isn't Combat Evolved, it truly does make Combat Enjoyable.

To wrap things up, I'll be up and front, with the brunt of a grenade: Halo is not the best game ever made... It is even not the best first person shooter ever made, as Half Life set real standards for AI during its time. And it's not even the best console FPS ever made, as Goldeneye had a far better single-player campaign and arguably better multiplayer stages. And I'd even argue that Perfect Dark would've been a superior shooter, if only it wasn't plagued by slowdown and N64 graphics... But Halo: Combat Evolved truly is a defining moment for this generation of video games. It is without a shadow of a doubt, still the best damn game on the Xbox today. And it's arguably the best damn multiplayer game on any of the next generation systems, even without Xbox Live support... But while my brother will still shout at me in the showers (shudder asunder...) that Halo deserves to be higher than Zelda on the Gamerankings chart, I'll simply shrug and know in my heart what I consider to be my own truth and reconciliation... that Halo has all the right tools to be the best in the business. It has the right weapons, the right storyline basis, the right badass bad guys, and most importantly, the right controls... the entire foundation of the game is remarkably sound, not to mention having probably the best damn sound effects period, and possibly the best damn foundation for a game ever made, period... but while it perfects in polish, it sadly and sorely lacks in pure, unadulterated, combat content...

Which is what a sequel is for... which is why I personally can't wait for Halo 2... I even want it more than the next Zelda, or even the next Metroid Prime... but don't tell my brother that...

Y2kk Update: It's started... we're now playing on a higher level... Not that I want to be on this so-called level. I'd rather be playing with power, Nintendo power, than making sure that the X actually does mark the spot, but hey... considering I haven't been able to find a job this summer and probably will stay unemployed for the rest of my months, I guess I needed something to stop the boredom... I guess I needed something new to complain about...

Enter the Xbox (though hopefully, not Enter the Matrix...)... my brother and I saw it on sale the other weekend at Best Buy, and figured what the heck? It's 50 bucks cheaper on sale, and even though we seriously didn't have the money to buy any damn games for the thing, we knew for certain that enough of my brother's friends had Xboxes to borrow games off of... So what else could I do but sell my soul for a taste of poutang pie, and get a crappy Xbox instead in the process?... my sister just got a new job working for Fuji, and considering she'll be stealing the Ford Taurus from us in a couple weeks or so, it was only fitting that she would offer us a compromise... She would give my brother enough money to buy the Xbox and all we need to get it running, and in theory, that was a perfectly good arrangement, now wasn't it?... the problem was, even with the Xbox on sale, the total cost of goods escalated. And what really sucked for me at least, was that my sister was essentially giving us an IOU... which means no moolah until the summer ends and the deal is done... and, well... the Xbox was on sale now, the keyword being now... and the problem was, my brother only had $50 in the damn piggy bank... so who else did he turn to, but me?... and guess what? Guess who, who is now playing in Toronto?...

I am now $320 CAN in debt... and goddammit, the Xbox doesn't even belong to me...

I paid for the system. It was $200 plus tax. I then paid for the second S controller, which my brother will take with the original to residence, which costed me another $40 with tax... And when we got home, we realized that we had no damn RCA cable hole thingies left to put the Xbox in, so I had to dish out another $20 for a Mad Catz S-Video pack... and I would've spent another $20 or so, if only we could find a decent Optical Cable for Dolby Digital 5.1 sound or some crap like that... And the icing on the cake?... Halo... or Gaylo... or how we Chinese call, "Hal-lo", meaning "hello" in francais... That costed me the last $40 in my account, and, well... suffice to say, even though we had gotten parental approval for this little transaction of ours beforehand, my mother had sort of thought the whole damn package would come to just $200... unfortunately, that was the price in American dollars, but that's besides the point...

And what is the Xbox doing now?... gathering dust like the mothra-sized paperweight that it is... The controllers are still unacceptably hefty to me, even though we have the Small versions. The sound is simply horrible on Dolby Surround compared to the Nintendo Gamecube... and every single game next to Halo that we've borrowed has been absolutely atrociously boring in comparison... but thankfully, we do have Halo, but I'll get into that in my review later this week... And while I can only muster the dignity and fortitude to suck up my Nintendo fanboy pride and play the Xbox while my brother is wielding the opposite controller (translation: the system is only fun for multiplater), I still must admit, that since Halo co-op entered our lives?... the poor Gamecube has been nowhere to be seen... probably because the last game I bought for it was in March, and Wario World is just too damn expensive for its own good, so therefore the Xbox has won by default... but Xbox fanboys would say that's besides the point...

Anyhew, I missed last week's Noname update for a decent reason: because I was lazy as hell... but then again, there really wasn't much to report, now was there?... I must admit that I loved last week's episode of Stargate, Fragile Balance, a hell of a lot more than I expected, even though I still don't understand what the hell the title is supposed to mean... The episode was brilliant in the sense that it gave Richard Dean Anderson the time off of work that he wanted, while leaving the episode with a Jack feel nonetheless... and how? All thanks to Michael Welch, or Welsh, or however you spell that kid's name. Although his Jack O'Neil mannerisms, or "Jackisms" as they call them, were a bit too strong and overused in his initial scenes (the interrogation by Sam, Teal'c, and Daniel, when the latter admitted that "stranger things have happened"). But in the end? I personally felt his Jack impressions were spot on, and I'll give all the credit in the world to the actor, for making this entire episode click... I loved the scene where Young Jack tried to drink a beer in his own house, only to have it stolen from his lips by a Samantha Carter who called him "cute"... I loved the chemistry between the real Jack and the duplicate, when the latter was noting that he was a lot taller than he thought he was... But most of all, one scene stands above all else in my mind. Somehow, for the longest time, I couldn't get out of my head the reverence and respect O'Neil has on the base, even in the body of a 15-year old. When Sam nodded to the F-302 pilot crowd that the young man (who could've taken out the guards outside, I'd wager) standing before them actually was the Goa'uld killer of the planet earth, they all snapped to attention, even to listen to such simple statements as the F-302 only compensating for 90% of G forces... I mean honestly, the kid really did feel like O'Neil, which led to one slight problem in the end... I mean, wasn't it a bit weird that grown-up O'Neil in the body of a 15-year kid, would actually want to get it on with 15-year old girls?... but then again, like Daniel says, stranger things have happened... although I'm not sure how many of them broke such sacred laws...

Okay, probably a ton of them. So sue me, or sue O'Neil for going forth to Cassie's high school or wherever he was... As for the rest of the cast? I can't remember any real Sam moments, except when she tried convincing Jack to have as much fun with his condition as they were... Daniel didn't have a pivotal role either, although it was weird how he can innately speak with tons of alien species, but couldn't understand regular Cantonese (by the way, while the girl spoke the language properly, the old man sounded off... unless he was using an old accent that I don't recognize, but that's besides my poor Chinese skills...). And Teal'c?... did he say anything at all?... oh well, AOL, I guess that didn't matter much, consider he got to star in this week's Orpheus, but I'll get to that in a second... And as for the plotline itself? It solved a lot of mysteries in the series, how such a friendly race like the Asgard could be the ones abducting people all over the planet (and giving cattle anal probes too, but I guess that was never explained...). Although Thor didn't say much, he had a sense of command and presence to him that much mirrored O'Neil's back in the briefing room. And Loki?... poor Loki... an "Assgard" beaten down by a damn Zat... how stupid could he be?... but overall, I loved Fragile Balance, if only because it shared a wonderful balance between seriousness, mythology, and pure impressionist comedy. It will go down as one of my favourite episodes of the past few years, if only because Jack made a reference to everyone's favourite "mini-me"...

As for Orpheus... well, I've never been a fan of either Klingon or Jaffa based episodes, but I was a fan of the Warrior a couple seasons back, and I did find that Orpheus tempted my taste buds as well. It was compelling right off the bat, in which Teal'c took a staff blast and actually had to work to recover for once. It was also nice to see Sam in that work-out outfit of hers, as I guess a sweaty gal talking about Signs aliens being allergic to sweat just turns me on... or maybe that's just the Young Jack in me talking? But I digress... As a Teal'c episode, I felt the show had class. He had a wide selection of great moments, from his silencing of Daniel during his meditation, to the simple admitted truths, that Daniel had watched over him without Danny ever remembering it, and that Teal'c has been letting Bra'tac win in spars for years... Both moments were touching, if only because Teal'c rarely ever slips and admits his deep-down truths. And although it was short moment, just the looks between Bra'tac and Teal'c, and the remembrance of what a warrior truly is, did convince me that Teal'c was finally on his way to finding, um, his way back... and of course, a Steven Seagal neck-snapping of an anonymously evil henchman is always helpful in the male bonding process. Or at least, that's what Seagal always says...

Orpheus was a decent episode plotwise, although I've never really been a fan of rescue episodes. I am a fan of episodes where the team gets to use artillery strikes for once, and I definitely was a fan of O'Neil gunning down half an army with a sniper scope, but I digress... If there was one problem with this episode, it was that it was too damn noticeable that Jack was missing for half the episode. He did have one great moment though, when he did what I would've done, gave up on Daniel's psychiatrical crap, and made Teal'c talk simply because Jack's the boss... too bad the episode didn't have more scenes like that... and too bad for the Goa'uld that they're to stupid to have force field irises around all their Stargates, but I digress... and, well... on the bright side, Jack's being noticeably absent gave the rest of the characters a chance to shine in his, um, absence. Now, although Sam didn't get to say much, the concern on her face when Teal'c was captured and tortured was enough for me until her big episode comes up. And as for Daniel?... well, I personally thought his ending scene with Teal'c felt rushed and forced, in which he admitted that he never felt like he belonged to the team... which really sounded weird coming from him, considering he always was close to Jack, and he always had an affinity for the greater good, but I digress... But still, little moments, like when he was obsessed with looking through the gate records, really added up in the end. It was dramatic to me at least, how guilty he felt when he realized he had been to the planet and didn't do a damn thing. Michael Shanks showed a lot of good remorse in this episode, which coincided with Teal'c's self-pity perfectly, as if both had achieved a fragile balance. Now, I may not know what the Greek hero Orpheus, looking back into hell and losing his lover, has to do with Teal'c losing his symbiote of a lover (oh wait, it suddenly clicked... no, wait, it didn't...), but the title didn't stop me from loving Fragile Balance, and quite frankly, I'm shocked that I've loved Orpheus and thus loved every single episode this season so far...

Stargate SG-1 consistently provides me with top notch writing and entertainment, which is more than I can say for that paperweight of an Xbox that I have filling my entire basement as we speak... but then again, how can I stay mad at Halo? Or as we Cantonese say (although Daniel wouldn't understand us, I guess...), a good "Hal-lo!" to you too, and a heartfelt, very hefty goodbye.

Y2kk Update: You know, I still remember my first reaction to watching Pixar's Toy Story for the first time...

In case you didn't get that the first time, let me spell it backwards for you: woW... And as I left the theatre that night, I swore that Pixar truly was the future of animation, and that the mere competition of Disney would never be able to touch the inner child in me as Woody and Buzz so magically did... and, well... I'm not sure if I realized that Pixar was owned by Disney back then or whatever. All I know, is that since then, Pixar has released classic after classic after classic. I may not have been the biggest fan of A Bug's Life, but I can definitely say that without a shadow of a doubt, it still ranks amongst my favourite movies made in the past five years. And even though A Bug's Life wasn't a perfect movie in my eyes, Pixar definitely redeemed themselves with Toy Story 2, which by all accounts, was utter, motion picture perfection. And although I never got to write a review for Monsters Inc on this site, I will admit here and now that while it lacked a lot of laughs, it definitely made up for it in sentimental value. I don't normally cry in movies... unless they're as bad as Jason X and Python... but I did almost cry in Monsters Inc by the end all be all of it, so how can I not give Pixar major pixel props for that?... And now comes Finding Nemo, a movie that I spent the first half of this year convincing my brother to come see with me... and was I disappointed?... well, yes and no... For a Pixar movie, I'll admit that Finding Nemo was not their greatest fish in the pond. I'd equate it with A Bug's Life at best, for reasons that I'll get into later. But as I mentioned earlier, even A Bug's Life ranks so high on my recommended movie list that I can't help but feel that Finding Nemo may still be the best movie of the entire year... Sure, it failed to instill that wow factor in me, and it couldn't move me as Monsters Inc did... but it certainly did have a lot of laughs... and it certainly did make me walk out of the theatre satisfied, smiling with the knowledge that Pixar truly can do no wrong... I mean, hell, if a movie can make me forget all about that half hour of horrible Disney trailers at the start, then it deserves all the thumbs up and praise that these two hands can give...

Finding Nemo had one glaring flaw to me: it felt like a video game, a linear video game, moving along on a mindless assembly line in the most straight-foward of progressions. Because the thing was, for most of the movie, Marlin and Doby, or Dolby, or Digital, or whatever the hell that Ellen fish was called (I'll call her Dooby Fish Snacks for now or something until I can recall her damn name...)? The two of them simply went from one scene to another, from one confrontation to another. First came the sharks, which were absolutely hilarious when it came to their alcoholics anonymous routine. I sure as hell was chuckling at that poor fish the smaller shark brought as a buffy buddy or whatever that day, even though the rest of the movie crowd I was with seemed mute (probably because the theatre consisted of just a couple parents and a few kids, but I digress...).. But the thing was, that scene felt like it was over and done with before it hardly began. One moment, Dubby or whoever was up at the podium, talking about never eating fish, and the next? Sure, I loved the graphical effect of the fish lip blood or whatever, but the transition between nice white shark and evil, dark shark was simply too quick for my bloody tastes... And after the seemingly quick chase scene where the poor sharks got blown to hell, what then? The movie raced itself to yet another battle, first with a falling submarine, and then with a little shark with a friggin' laser (or a friggin' light bulb that blinks) on its head. Sure, I thought the computer effects were absolutely astounding in that murky water scene. If there was any moment in the film that almost made me wow, this was it... but the whole thing happened so damn fast, 2 damn fast, 2 damn furiously, and so damn quickly, that it was over and done with, back into the light, before I even knew what was going on. Somehow, the pacing of this film just didn't feel proper to me, a problem that I never felt that any other Pixar movie had (well, maybe Monsters Inc to an extent...)... but then again, I did say the same thing recently about X2 as well, so maybe it's me. Maybe I just have no internal pacing mechanism anymore without being allowed to Pacey pace in the theatres, but I digress...

But there was one scene in the movie that I really enjoyed. Simply because the writers took their time to actually let us get to know the sea turtles, I found the long trek to Sydney on the current stream or whatever, to be not just enjoyable, to be not just a rush, but to be or not to be rather touching in the end. Maybe I just have a thing for turtles that go "dude" (as my teenage mutant ninja turtle days would suggest), but I really did feel a connection between Marlin and the baby turtles, if only because he saw his own son in them. And honestly, the best thing in the entire movie has just got to be the thread or the string or whatever that binds the start with the finish: the simple, innocent, innocuous question, of how old a sea turtle can get. And even though it didn't make me all weepy eyed at the end to hear the answer, it did connect everything in one, neat little package for me. I mean, hell, it wasn't just a connect the dots moment to me. It was a God blessed, connect four moment... enough so that if I was made of money, I probably would've seen Finding Nemo a second time, just to give it another fair lady chance to make me cry...

As for the characters? Marlin was pretty straight forward, but in that sense, he really did feel like a dad. I mean, I don't normally think of my dad as a multi-faceted comic relief character or anything. I just see him as Dad, a man determined to make sure I have the best life possible. I mean, he may not like it when I want the last meatball on the table, but he always gives it to me, simply because I'm his son... and Marlin was quite the same. Sometimes I wished he was funnier, but I guess that was a common misconception, considering he was a clown fish... and besides, after a viscous murder like the one at the start of the film, I'm sure that even a clown would have to dig deep down to find his happy place... And as for Nemo or Necro or Nimrod, or whatever Dobby tried to call him? Well, the one thing that made him truly memorable was his lucky fin. Considering I have an... um... appendage... that I don't think is... um... large enough, as well... I guess I can relate to Nemo (not to mention the fact that I also drown when I try to swim, but that's besides the point). However, truth be told, I hate to say this, but I don't think I enjoyed any of the scenes in the dentist fish tank. I'm not sure why that was - maybe fish just aren't interesting to me?... I did laugh at the character who was obsessed with bubbles, and in the trailer at least, I was also cracking up as hard as it gets when the starfish was trying to find its happy place. But still, the fish tank scenes just felt bland. Maybe that was Pixar's intention, since fish just aren't meant to be locked up like that according to the Greenpeace writers, but still... Either that, or I just still have my paralyzing fear of dentists... and fish tanks... and toilets... yup, that's it...

And Dorky, the Ellen fish?... Well, there were two main scenes that I found her memorable in. First, when she was bouncing on all the jellyfish. I didn't expect her to get injured like that, and it all culminated in a great moment with the sea turtles, when Marlin was apologizing to a seemingly unconscious Dolby, who was actually playing hide and seek in full surround sound... It was the little emotional moments that got to me in Finding Nemo, which is why, despite the lacklustre, muddy atmosphere at the time, I really did feel bad for Ducky when she was begging (and subtlely banging) Marlin to stay, if only because she didn't want to forget him (she apparently doesn't like one night stands in Sydney...). And, well... I often feel the same way, actually... about the memory thing, not the one night stands... I don't want to forget people, but I know I will, given enough time... hell, that's why I made my websites in the first place. So I can never forget what I feel. Maybe Doogie should take a hint from me or something?... but anyhew, there is one line from Finding Nemo that is still stuck in my head: 'just keep swimming'... I guess I should take that as a metaphor on life. When in doubt, just keep swimming, and everything will be fine... but, um... I don't think I care much for the metaphor. Yet, her damn song is stuck in my head, just like it was in Marlin's. Because I mean, while she's lucky enough to forget the crap in life, she was still damn smart enough to get her crap stuck in our heads so we can never, ever forget... lest we forget...

But in truth, I guess in the end, that was the problem with Finding Nemo. It was a true tale of the love and loyalty between father and son. Hell, despite all the dad and son movies from 2002, I still felt bad when Nemo did the cliche thing and told his father that he hated him... But in the end, Finding Nemo was forgettable, as even the ending of the film felt abruptly rushed (and not in a good, sea turtle way) to an extent. I somehow just felt that the reunion between Marlin and his son was lacking. I felt that the moment was too abruptly spoiled by the fish trawler's inability to beat down a bag of fish... and in the end, I am afraid that I will forget most of Finding Nemo, as I've already forgotten most of A Bug's Life already... but while Finding Nemo may not be an instant classic in the vein of Toy Story or Monsters Inc, it definitely was an enjoyable fable, a cherished fish in a little pond, one of which I probably will never forget the moral of... though, um... what was that moral exactly? I may never know. But at least I'll always remember, that I was supposed to learn something from the film, and didn't... not even the damn name of Dory, but I digress...

Anyhew, I sort of wish that I wrote my Finding Nemo review last week, especially considering one person out there (you know who you are) actually was "looking forward" to it... But I just had to get my Best of the Year IvanFian awards done and finished with, before the new season of Stargate SG-1 started. And quite truthfully, I was acting sort of like a little child on Christmas morning when I finally was able to watch Fallen and Homecoming this, um, morning... the two-parter season premiere for the season... But by the end of the two episodes? Maybe I was just still pissed that I had actually wasted a rental on Jason X or something (and that I had wasted my Friday watching Virus on TV, but that's besides the point), I just couldn't help but feel that the SG-1 two-parter was kind of underwhelming. I mean, action wise, the episodes just didn't amount up to much. Now, don't get me wrong - I loved the Death Star trench warfare scene or whatever you want to call it from the end of Fallen. I probably missed half a dozen lines of the show just from laughing so damn hard at the "Red Leader" comment... but besides the cool fear factor of watching two Enterprise-crappy missiles blow apart a little hole in a big ass ship, what really did the two episodes offer? The attack on Anubis' ship by Baal wasn't really new or anything. I couldn't help but jeer at the cowardice of the cliche villain, Anubis, getting away in a quaint, little Borg Sphere or something, but still, besides that... While Redemption last year set a bar for Stargate special effects, Fallen and Homecoming really couldn't do anything but limbo under last season's shadow, and limp their way to the finish line.

But the return of Daniel Jackson was truly where both episodes shined. Fallen and Homecoming wasn't even really about the script, but rather about the acting. I mean, you could just see in Jack's eye the shock and concern he had when he saw Daniel on the planet... and I just loved every single time Daniel called him, "Jim", if only because I didn't know whether he was ribbing him or not... And I gulped hard too with Teal'c (wait, does that sound good?) when Daniel asked what happened to his wife. I mean, Jackson looked so damn giddy when he remembered however-you-spell-her-name, that I don't know what I would've said if I was the one who had killed her like Teal'c... and even the talk with Jonas, how Quinn wanted to give up his SG-1 position as a return favour to Daniel? Just somehow, the show felt complete again, both from the banter, and from the fact that archaeology played a big part in both episodes... Character wise, I loved Fallen, but as soon as Daniel started remembering his Commando skills in Homecoming, things started falling downhill from there... Not only did Homecoming suffer from weird pacing (I know the two parter was meant to be two episodes, but it was just weird how one minute, Anubis was going to blow up the earth base, and the next minute, he was over Kelowna), but it suffered from being too plot driven as well. The talks about Yu's age were fascinating, but simply too slow paced to keep my interest. The background about the naquadria bomb being used was motivating, but the writers didn't dwell or devil on the moral implications enough to make it a factor. And honestly, while the crystal with all the naquadria knowledge will probably be helpful in future episodes, it really felt awkward that it would make up most of the plot of the episode, rather than allowing Daniel Jackson's return to be the focus... I would've preferred a Lord of the Rings homage, with the Kelownas doing battle with the thousand Jaffa, but alas, I can only dare to dream...

But there was one moment of Redemption for Homecoming... Now, I know many fans didn't particularly take to Jonas Quinn, but I sure as hell did. And it was sad to see him go... More than Finding Nemo sad, and Finding Out Dory's Name, so to speak... The greatest moment of the episode probably came when all Jonas did was tap Teal'c on the shoulder. The two had become such close friends, that no words were necessary... and that was truly the strength of both Fallen and Homecoming. I know reviews can't do it justice, and perhaps words can't either. But really, while the script lacked creativity, the mere looks in the actor's eyes sure as hell did not. And what can I say? The season opener for Stargate's seventh season may have Fallen in a few places, but in the end, it definitely felt warm. It definitely felt welcome. And it definitely felt like a Homecoming, for what I hope to be one great season, and one great way for a great series to end.

Y2kk Update: Well, I doubt anyone noticed, but I have been rather noticeably absent on the internet as of quite late... and there is a reason why I've been missing in action, although my reason lacks all semblance of reason... I sort of bought Grandia II, one of the only two major RPGs for the Sega Dreamcast, the other day. And the problem was, no matter how bored I got with the damn repetitive game, I just couldn't get it in my system, to get the damn disc out of my Dreamcast system, until I had leveled up my whiny characters to hell in that game... but I'll talk about that whenever I do a mini-review for the game (which I won't bother posting on the main page of this site, of course)... and, well... in other news, I did see Pixar's Finding Nemo in theatres the other day, but I think I'll save that pointless rant of mine until the season premiere of Stargate SG-1, season seven, which starts in a few days or whatever. Besides, I promised myself I would put on my first IvanFian Global Globe awards ceremony before the first episodes of the next seasons of shows would start. And golly gee, I guess getting that crap over with is the least I can do, considering I completely forgot about this website's first birthday about a month ago...

Just to let you no-name, non-existent readers know, my awards will be based upon Stargate's season six, Buffy the Vampire Slayer's season seven, Angel's season four (even though I never reviewed its episodes), and Star Trek Enterprise's season 2 (of which are all now archived in the TV/DVD movies section of this website of mine). And, okay, now that the crap pleasantries are tired and over with... The first category up for grabs?... Best Episode Script...

Runner-up definitely has to go to Stargate SG-1's The Abyss, and is it really any wonder why? The Jack O'Neil and Daniel Jackson banter was what made the show great in the first place to most fans (although for me, I simply liked the fact that we could kick alien asses with machine guns for once...). The Abyss had the fortune of cramming in an entire season's worth of whimsical, musical banter between the two all in one, neat, little package (since Daniel wasn't around for most of the rest of the season to argue with), and it truly was both a sight to behold and to hear. And to top it all all off, came top of the line acting performances from both Richard Dean Anderson and Michael Shanks. I really did feel sorry for O'Neil when he was repeatedly tortured, killed and revived (even though I was hoping the scenes would be more brutal than they were). And I really did feel Daniel was getting frustrated at himself, at the fact that he couldn't intervene, and the fact that he deep done inside knew that O'Neil would never take his offer to be an intangible watcher like he was. All of this put together resulted in one hell of a script, and really showed in the end that an episode really doesn't need massive special effects or even a cast of more than two to really sparkle on the small screen... but then again, it wouldn't have hurt to see the X-302 nuke a few planets in the meantime, but that's besides the point...

And the winner of the Best Episode Script of all show seasons? The IvanFian award goes to... Buffy the Vampire Slayer's Conversations with Dead People... and yeah, I know I didn't really enjoy this episode on the first viewing. So sue me. I was having a rough week... But after watching it through a second time? And a third time? And a fourth, and a fifth, and a sixth?... Well, we all know that the Holden Webster actor now has a twin of his playing Knox on Angel, and quite frankly, he truly deserves the role. Because honestly, despite watching every season of Buffy except the first one, I can honestly and simply not find any lines in the Buffyverse vocabulary that can match, "I'm here to kill you, not to judge you", and "I think you're confusing me because you're evil"... But the true joy of the episode came from the fact that, as great as Holden's and Buffy's psychiatric and psychotic fight in the moonlight was, it was all matched brilliantly by both Dawn's and Willow's sub-plots. I still feel chills down my spine every single time the First Evil tells Willow, "oh, not it... me" (it's just too bad the damn First Evil could never put any real umph into its claims, but that's besides the point). And although I found it cheesy how Dawn suddenly became Ms. Marvel Magical and was able to supposedly fight off a spiritual demon, I will admit that I was honestly freaked out by Joyce's eyes on the couch, and honestly, how can you not love an episode that brings back Joyce from the dead, if only for one meaningless moment in terms of the season?... and, well...

Just to let you know, the second runner-up for the Best Episode Script award was Angel's Soulless... somehow, the entire scene of Angel riveting of how naughty of a girl Fred was, was simply... well... gripping for me, but I digress... And anyhew, moving along, the next IvanFian Global Globe up for grabs is none other than: The Best Episode Battle Scene...

The runner up? It's none other than Enterprise's Regeneration... now, I know this episode has its critics on the net, but what episode doesn't? In a sense, I'll admit that I'm postitively bias towards this episode, simply because it featured the Borg. But then again, there's no denying that chills were running rampant up and down by spine every single damn time I saw a Borg cutting beam, and every single damn time the Enterprise crew fired a phase pistol shot. I was literally counting the shots they had left until the Borg adapted, and honestly, the hell march music in the episode still sends spills and tingles up and down my neck, every time I pop this episode back into my VCR. There may not be much that I can say about Regeneration that I haven't already said on this website, but at least here and now, I can honestly say that no other episode in any show since Voyager's Scorpion, made me feel the sense of dread that I felt when the Borg boarded the NX-01... but of course, the battles in this episode weren't perfect. I was snickering a bit at Malcolm pointlessly pointing a phase pistol right at a Borg drone's face at point blank range, but hey, you can't ask for perfection, now can you?... unless you're the Borg...

And the winner of the Best Episode Battle Scene award goes to... Angel's Rain of Fire, which had without a shadow of a doubt, the best hand to hand action sequence that I've witnessed off the big screen in my entire life, I dare say. By now, every Buffy and Angel fan must've seen at least once the epic fight at the end of the episode against the Beast, with crossbows, axes, and, shotguns, oh my. Some on the internet simply drool at the scene because of Wesley banging with slow-mo guns. Others cheer at the sight of Gunn showing no signs of fear again, or at Wesley protecting Gunn from the ensuing, explosion blast. But whatever sight of the side of the debacle you're on, rest assured that there was something in this epic battle sequence for everyone, though quite honestly, there simply wasn't enough... I was left cringing for more, if that can be counted as a criticism... Because honestly, the moment that Angel went head strong in with sword in hand, I knew the battle was going to be awe-inspiring. And although later episodes sort of overdid (or underutilized) the Beast's invincibility, there is no denying that the first time I watched Rain of Fire, I was reeling at the sword shots and the shotgun blasts just harmlessly bouncing off the monster's carapace. And honestly, I must've replayed this entire fight sequence a thousand times fold in the confines of my imagination by now, if only because I can't get enough of the Beast sneering at a gun blast to his face... of course, it can be argued that this episode simply ripped off The Terminator and most Buffy episodes, but regardless, Angel still wins this award... for being the total package, and for taking a lovely double crossbow shot to the package... it's just too bad Winifred didn't get any action this episode. It would've made the scene even more gripping, but once again, I digress...

The runner-up to the Best Episode Battle Scene award probably would've went to Buffy's Chosen. Although the final battle sequence of the final episode of Buffy was a little too Hecate hectic for me to bear, I will admit that it did invoke in me an epic, Lord of the Rings feeling when Spike's Unreal Championship amulet or whatever the hell glowy thing, pulsated and pummeled a thousand Ubervamps into the ground... Which is why it's no surprise that Buffy the Vampire Slayer's Chosen has reaped my runner-up spot for the Most Emotional Episode of the Year award, and it's plainly obvious why... Maybe the episode wasn't as great as Grave or Homecoming or the Zeppo or whatever in the end, but I did feel nostalgic and rather sad when it was all said and done. And although I can attribute a lot of that to the series ending, I just can't shake the feeling that Chosen had a lot to do with what I was feeling as well. The episode crammed a hell of a lot into one hour, which was both its greatest strength and its greatest disappointment (I refrain from calling it an "Achilles Heel" though, if only to save Faith from school girl boredom). But really, all that matters to me, is that for one hour, Chosen sure as hell was a hell of a ride. Just little touches, like the Angel portrait on the punching bag, or the look Buffy gave Spike before the climatic showing of the school bus or whatever, will ensure that I will watch the episode again and again long before this summer is done. And even though the ending scene was highly criticized on the net, I personally couldn't help but smile when Buffy gave a little grin of her own... and Spike? You're da man! You're da Yoda man, but I digress... Chosen may not have been a great episode. But it definitely did feel like one...

And the winner of the IvanFian Most Emotional Episode of the Year award goes to... Goes to?... drum drool roll please... and, um... nevermind... Because I'll deal with the winner of this award when I deal with the best episodes of the year, period, awards down below. But until then (or until the next paragraph), I might as well mention that there's a tie for the second runner-up to the most emotional episode of the year. I already mentioned how much I loved Regeneration, and how much I was shaking in my boot when it was all said and done. But I haven't mentioned anything about Angel's Orpheus, where Willow may have acted out of character, but she sure as hell put on an entertaining fight with the Queen Bitch, Cordy. I personally loved her little flirtations with Fred (now that's a relationship I wouldn't mind missionary visiting and visioning over...), and even though the internet tore apart her "cheap" jokes to Wesley, I personally loved the chemistry between the two during their talk of supposed darkness... The Faith and Angelus conversations were decent as well, although except for the puppy saving moment, there wasn't really a saving grace or grave or coup de Achilles Heel between the two that could've pushed this episode past Chosen on the list...

And finally, we come to the only awards that actually do matter as far as I'm politically incorrectly concerned... And now, first up is the second runner-up to the Best Episode of the Entire Year, Period award, and that goes to... Buffy the Vampire Slayer's Selfless. Now, there were plenty of other episodes that deserved this award. Stargate's Redemption two-parter, Enterprise's Dead Stop, and Buffy's Conversations with Dead People were all worthy candidates as well. But quite frankly, it's hard to top Selfless when all due things are taken into consideration. I mean, I may not have enjoyed this episode as much as the former threesome (although threesomes are always good...), but how can I possibly not love Selfless when Anya got to sing a solo on her own (although I guess that is the definition of a solo...)? Her battle with Buffy was iffy, but the look on her face when Halfrek went up in flames and television frames was simply priceless. The episode really showed off great writing and great acting when Anya was trying to convince both Willow and herself that the frat boys got what they deserved. The episode also appeased and teased us with a promise that we never really got in season seven: the return of Darth Willow. And although I wish Selfless had a scene that could bring a tear to my eye as Spike almost did to me in Beneath You, I will admit that after rewatching the second and third seasons of Buffy, the talk in Selfless about killing Angel and 'kicking his ass' felt a lot more real to me, and possibly even more nostalgic than Chosen.

Runner-up to the Best Episode of the Year award goes to none other than Enterprise's Regeneration... What more can I say about this episode? I loved it. It outranks and outstrips most Star Trek episodes and movies that I've ever seen in my life... I love the Borg! I love Enterprise! I wish Voyager never existed to tarnish the NX name, but I guess I should be careful what I wish for... there's Vengeance demons and British birthday vampires out there, you know... but enough about Malcolm going cannon crazy over the Borg. Now it's time for the official, IvanFian, Best Episode of the Entire Year, period award... which goes to the episode that was also the most emotional episode of the year to me as well...

Truth be told, this episode probably deserved the Best Script of the Year award as well, but I just couldn't give it a hat trick... But in many ways, it deserves all the merit it can get. From Fred's constant badgering for weed, to Angel wondering where the heck his horrible Irish accent went, to Gunn swearing he would never work for the white folk, to Wesley dreaming of naked women never giving up probe, I must've laughed harder in this episode than I have in years... And the episode wasn't just great for comedy, although just the references to the 'Man' and rooting for the slave alone would've been enough to put this episode over the top from my view from the top... The final fight and the final father-to-son talk between Angel and Conor, where the two realize that they have more in common than they ever once thought, ended up being a real eye opener for me as well. I love Freudian psychology, and I also love filler episodes that really psyche you up for the melodramatic arc coming up, as the Cordy line of, "we were (... in love)", set up the Beast's entrance in Rain of Fire so damn Borg perfectly... It was pure Joss Whedon genius at its best, and although I won't rant about Spin the Bottle any longer, rest assured that if only I had this episode taped, I would have enough ammo to write a Y2kk review about ir that will even make my Zelda ones look like one sentence, l337 forum postings...

And, well... that's it, I guess. The official ending of the final season of Buffy, the sophomore season of Enterprise, the fourth season of Angel, the sixth season of Stargate, and the first year of this IvanFian, no-name website. I'm hoping to keep this as a tradition - of giving out my own, worthless awards whenever I'm bored enough to write. Until then, I've got a new summer of Stargate to keep my mind and my unemployed ass occupied with love. And if not? If my mind wanders into Sartre, salty nothingness?... well, I guess I can get lost in Grandia II and Spin the Bottle again, if only to relive the past of what sure as hell was a great year in television... for me at least, even if the critics and ratings choose to believe otherwise...

Y2kk Update: Uggh... I just spent an hour or so, reading up on the news sites and the multiplatform forums, about the up and coming PSX system (which turned out to be a PS2 with a built in 120GB hard drive and DVD recorder, although it seems to share a code name with the original Playstation for reasons unknown...)... and the thing is, even though I know this system will be extremely expensive and not for the average gamer in a sense, I do know what it's really meant to be... a warning to Nintendo and Microsoft, the equivalent of a skull thrown through their windows... that Sony in the future is definitely not going to play by the rules and use games as their big guns... They proved with the original Playstation that a system can sell if it can play CD music. They proved with the Playstation 2 that a system can sell based on its DVD playback alone. And either with the upcoming PSX or with the PS3, they'll prove that a system can sell, simply by adding in a DVD recorder that barely anybody wanted before the announcement this morning... And what's next? TiVo recording abilities? Blu Ray compatibility? Satellite HDTV receiving? The ability to flick on and off light switches with a single remote control?... The thing is, I personally hate "convergence". I hate it when technology all combines together in one, neat little package... and what I hate most, is the double standard on the net. Everyone used to make fun of Microsoft .NET, and everyone used to make fun of Universal Plug and Play... and yet look at the forums! They're all praising Sony's attempts at integrating every damn thing into their Playstation units except the kitchen sink!... and except four controller ports, or even controller ports on the front of the damn system, but I digress... Convergence is supposed to save us money. Some will agree. I, on the other hand, simply claim it forces us to pay for extra stuff that we never wanted in the first place...

And by the way... the TiVo and satellite tuner things I talked about?... apparently, they are going to be in the PSX... and yet I made them up, thinking I was joking to the extreme... go figure...

All Sony wants is to scare Microsoft and Nintendo into shitting in their pants, as the two will look primitive in comparison now if they only put DVD playback into their next systems... and, well... regardless of whether I agree with Sony's vision of the future of gaming or whatever, I'll take my hat off to them and give them Judo kudos for that... Because regardless of whether you like Sony or not, you have to give them credit, for always knowing what the consumer wants (or at least, make them want whatever Sony has), and for always knowing how to market it just quite right... I was wondering this morning why Sony didn't announce this PSX thingy at E3 last week, considering it would've stole the show for Sony coupled with that Playstation Portable thingy. But the thing was, for most people on the net it seems, the announcement of the PSP alone was already enough to scare the opposition into submission... And it seems that the hype machine that possible killed the Sega Dreamcast, is already quickly on its way to wiping out the Nintendo company I've loved since I was a small kid... Already, Game Boy Advance SP sales are dwindling in Japan. Although this possibly could be because the SP is now old news, I personally don't think it's a coincidence that GBA sales practically cut themselves in half just the week after the PSP was announced... and for who? For what? Just like Sony exaggeratingly marketed the PS2 long before it came out, as having Toy Story: The Movie graphics and having the ability to fire Iraqi missiles (neither of which the real PS2 was capable of), Sony is already hyping up the PSP to no ends... although admittingly, not with tales of Tomahawk missile strikes on Baghdad... The thing is, even though the PSP wasn't even shown at E3, nor was its price announced, simply it's 3d graphical abilities, its MPEG and MP3 playback, and the fact that it uses optical discs, have already got the internet and most Western developers into a fusion frenzy, that the PSP will kick the Game Boy Advance's non-FMV ass in no time flat... Nobody seems to care that the system is coming out at the end of 2004 (which is a long way coming), nobody seems to care that the memory sticks used for movie & music playback will be damn expensive, nobody seems to care that the PSP might drain its power quickly or that it might be prone to CD anti-skipping errors, and nobody seems to bloody care that Sony will now officially end and ruin the 2D gaming scene for the rest of bloody eternity... And already people are praising the PSP for its possible connectivity abilities with the upcoming PSX, even though everyone simply dismisses GBA connectivity with the Nintendo Gamecube as a mere gimmick... And already, people are speculating that the PSP will be a portable DVD player, even though that wasn't even in the specs!... Already on the internet, just rapid fire and rabid succession talk of the damn Sony system has made it a million times better than even the specs tried to speculate! And really, even though I can't stand the fact that the PSP might possibly spell the doom of Nintendo in three or more years, I still have to tip my hat for Sony... for always knowing exactly the best way to give the people what they want.

By giving them enough of what they want... or at least, enough of what's new... and let them dream of the rest...

... and, well... besides the PSP, Sony in my opinion didn't have a very good showing at E3. They had Gran Turismo 4, which has almost photo realistic graphics, but I didn't catch any movies of it in action, so I'm not sure if the animation will be better than the realistic but stale motion of Gran Turismo 3... Sony showed off Ratchet and Clank 2 I think, but already people seem bored of the series (although I'm personally dying for a new, decent platformer)... Resident Evil Outbreak will probably be good, but the thing is, the trailer of it played more like a sequel to the Resident Evil movie than it did for the actual damn game... And although Sony had a few other offerings (like EA Sports games being online only on the PS2), I think most of the internet will admit that the company only "stole" the show because of the PSP announcement, and the fact that Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater will be a PS2 exclusive. Although the E3 trailer made me laugh at points I wasn't supposed to laugh at, I wouldn't be lying if I didn't feel jealous when the Metal Gear Solid music played and Mr. Snake over there jumped over a waterfall, Rambo style or whatever... In the end, I was amazed at the Metal Gear Solid 3 trailer. It truly demonstrated movie style qualities and an orchestra of action... but the thing is, even though I know the games are popular for their stealth gameplay, I also know that they're far more popular because of their melodramatic, anime-ish plotlines. And if the MGS3 trailer showed anything, just like the MGS2 trailer long ago proved as well, it's that Konami works wonders when they're making movie-slash-game trailers, and work wonders when making interactive movies... but they're not very good anymore at making interactive games...

Taking away the PSP, Sony had a rather wretched and ratchet blank showing at E3, but let's face facts: every first party company did as well... Now, I'll give absolute credit to Microsoft where credit is due. They showed off a fantastic total line-up, including Ninja Gaiden, BC, Fable, Doom3, Half Life 2, Starcraft: Ghost, and of course, the one and only, Halo 2... But the thing is, how many games will honestly make it to the Xbox this year? 2003 was supposed to be the year of the Xbox, yet the only decent games Xbox fans will get are Brute Force, Ninja Gaiden (which is getting mixed reviews), True Crime (which is multiplatform), Counterstrike (which most PC games wince at actually paying to play), and possibly Fable (if it makes it by Christmas time). Instead, Microsoft fans will have to settle for 2004 as being the true year of the Xbox, as Doom3 and Half-Life 2, two of the games that every Xbox fanatic is drooling over, were only shown for the PC and only briefly mentioned when it came to their console port... so basically, it's hard to call the two games as part the Xbox E3 show, when it was obvious the developers of the games only cared about their respective PC versions... And as for the rest of the Xbox line-up, being a Rare fan, I did feel a bit of nostalgia for their little showing at E3. The remake of Conker's Bad Fur Day seems entincing to me, although it's online add-ons obviously don't apply to my too-cheap-to-pay-for-online-gaming ways. And Kameo looked decent, although it did strangely look very different from the last time we saw the game... And Grabbed by the Ghoulies showed decent animation, although the trailer didn't show much besides kicking and repetitive screaming... but still, I couldn't help but be disappointed in Rare's showings when it was all said and done. Sure, they announced that another Banjo Kazooie was in the works, but where the hell was Perfect Dark 0? There is only one game that I want from Rare, and I fear that it will never see the light, if only so it doesn't take some shine away from Halo 2, but I digress... As for other third party software, Starcraft: Ghost and Splinter Cell: Pandora Tomorrow are both multiplatform, neither are temporary Xbox exclusives, and neither will be released until 2004 anyhew. So really, what the hell does Xbox have this year in the end?... and yet... and yet?... we gamers all know that a solid selection of games don't really matter in the end, as long as the system has a killer app or two. Goldeneye and Ocarina of Time sold the N64. PS2 would sell on Gran Turismo 3 and Grand Theft Auto 3 alone. And Xbox will surely sell on Fable and Halo 2 alone...

And that's where the problem with Nintendo lied this E3... because you see, just like the rest of the net, I couldn't help but feel underwhelmed by Nintendo's presence this year... not that that's much of a surprise, mind you. Last year, they stunned the show with Metroid Prime, Mario Sunshine, and Zelda: Wind Waker. The year before that, hype on the Gamecube, Rogue Leader, and Super Smash Bros Melee arguably took a lot of attention away from the Sony booths... But this year? The problem was... Nintendo had a solid showing. They had Fzero GX, Mario Kart: Double Dash, Star Fox Armada, Mario Golf, Geist, Pokemon Colesseum, Wario World, and Pikmin 2. But honestly, which of those games, with possibly the exception of Mario Kart, can be considered a must have title? Regardless of whether I want Fzero desperately or not, I know that most of the gaming world does not. And what hurt Nintendo's showing even more, was that poor reviews came in for both Mario Kart and Star Fox Armada, with the former being too "slow" (reminds me of those Sega commercials making fun of the original Mario Kart, actually...) and Star Fox Armada having piss poor controls and SNES style FX graphics (even though Namco admitted the game was only 30% done). Geist isn't seen favourably on the internet either, as even though its twist on the FPS gaming industry is incredible and indelible (by taking Maken X to the extreme and allowing for deathmatches where you take over people's bodies), it's graphics and guns were simply not up to Halo 2's standards. I mean, although I personally am looking forward to the game, if only for its original premise, the internet can only judge on screenshots alone, and it hurts to see everyone judge Geist without ever picking up the damn game... And honestly, the problem with Nintendo is that every year, they consistently show titles at E3 that steal the show in some form or another. And after Mario Kart was shown on CNN prematurely, the internet went wild with speculation that the games Nintendo would reveal at the actual show must be even more grander than the grandest of kart racing games... And in the end, we just didn't get what our own hype delivered. We did not get Fear, unless Geist turned out to be Fear... We did not get Game Zero, which even though nothing is known about it, the internet is still insanely speculating that it'll be a FPS that will kill Halo nonetheless... We did not get Super Mario 128, even though Miyamoto alleged in interviews that it would be ready for show by E3... We only got a brief glimpse of Metroid Prime 2, but got nothing else new from the geniuses at Retro Studios... We didn't get any sightings of Mario Tennis, and Too Human was too invisible for the third year in row... And we didn't even get to see a sequel to Zelda, except for Tetra's Trackers and the Four Swords, whose half-blessed and heralded return to 2D gaming on a next gen console, made Nintendo the laughing stock of the show... even the internet fans, who keep demanding for a new 2D Zelda game, hid their faces in shame, despite the fact that they finally got what they wanted...

Nintendo didn't try to compete directly with the competition at E3, contrary to what every internet analyst was hoping they would do. Instead, Nintendo concentrated on the Game Boy Advance and connectivity, and obviously, when the internet was screaming for a Halo killer beforehand, they undoubtedly were destined to be disappointed to see Pac-Man returning to the gaming scene... Like I said before, this by no means signifies that Nintendo had a bad line-up at E3 (and besides, Four Swords looks good... if I had multiple GBAs, or even one...). Their games were good, but unfortunately, they did have a bad show, as the first party showings really could not create any sort of Sony hype machine whatsoever... and often times, when internet forums argue about how lame Nintendo's showing was, they forget to mention that third parties are involved with the Gamecube as well. This year, Nintendo stepped back and let companies like Sega, Square, and Capcom earn their spots to shine, as Billy Hatcher, Final Fantasy: Crystal Chronicles, Metal Gear Solid: Twin Snakes, Resident Evil 4, and Viewtiful Joe all got rave reviews from gamers. The problem is, Billy Hatcher looks like a "kiddie" game to the internet (while Sonic Heroes does not for some odd reason...), Crystal Chronicles is a "side-quest" and therefore not as important as the real Final Fantasy series (even though a Final Fantasy "sidequest" called Secret of Mana is still my favourite Squaresoft game to this day), MGS: Twin Snakes is just a remake of the original (and yet no-one seems to care anymore that a Metal Gear Solid game has finally shown up on a Nintendo system?), Resident Evil 4 is just another Resident Evil game (hmm... no-one seems to care about its Silent Hill creepy darkness, or the RS4 real-time graphics, yet lambaste and bake Geist and Star Fox graphically whenever they get a chance), and Viewtiful Joe is just joe blow too "cartoony" (a complaint used for Zelda everywhere, and a complaint given to Mario Kart when all the negative previews starting propping up...)... Like I've stated a dozen times by now, Nintendo had a solid line-up, a solid snake line-up, and probably the best games of the show, even without any of its big guns. But truth be told, none of the games were worthy of Los Angeles, California. None of the games were worthy of a show that is only meant to one-up the competition with surprises and hype.

In the end, I can be a real stickler and claim that none of the three consoles stole the show this year... and the PC was no better either, since Doom3, Halo PC, Deux Ex 2, and Half Life 2 are all FPSes, and eventually you can only have so much mindless shooting in your life... But I'll still give credit where credit is due, and openly claim that out of all the platforms, the 8-minute footage of Halo 2 was enough to solidfy for me that Xbox deserves the top dog billing this year... but not by much, of course... Sony had the hardware side of things wrapped up. Nintendo had the 2003 line-up all wrapped in gold. But Xbox seems to have 2004 in the palm of its hand, and maybe 2004 will truly be the year of the Xbox like 2002 and 2003 were also repeatedly said to be... unless the PSX and announcements of the PS3 will kill the Xbox sooner than later... and unless the newly announced Zelda sequel and Zoonami's Game Zero (not to mention Sega's possible Halo killer) decide to one-up Halo in the end... and I'm still praying for Perfect Dark 0, which would be incentive enough for me to get a Xbox... but dare to dream I say...

But apparently, Sony isn't the only hype machine going around these days... This Enterprise review of mine may be a week late, but I do have reasons for being so lame ass slow, no matter how weak those reasons may be... Obviously, the end of Buffy filled my writing schedule last week. And besides, the Enterprise season finale sort of left me a wee bit disappointed... That's not to say in the end that The Expanse was not a good episode. I in fact enjoyed it quite a lot. The problem was, it felt more like a teaser phaser trailer of the next year of Enterprise, rather than its own episode. Last year, the cliffhanger of Shockwave left me screaming for me, but this year? Although I wish the Enterprise season never ended, I also wished that the finale could've done the same job that last year's finale did for me... I wanted The Expanse to create a sense of hype and hyper dread in me. Instead, I found it a decent season opener, but not a season closer as I was hoping it would be.

The special effects in Expanse were truly top notch. If the Xindi probe devastating Florida wasn't spectacular enough, the shot of Tucker and Reed standing by the resultant chasm should be enough to stand its own in comparisons to even Star Trek Nemesis. And the space battles against the Duras Klingon ships were among the best battles Enterprise has done yet, although the L4 loop or whatever that Mayweather did in the nebula cloud should have been an easy maneuver that any enemy race would predict... even a Klingon... And you should've heard me cheer when the Enterprise finally replaced their beyond crappy conventional torpedoes with photon ones, even though it irked me how just back in Cogenitor, Malcolm claimed he never heard of photonic weaponry (I guess he just has a bad memory though, considering Hoshi told him about photon torpedoes a year ago on a Klingon ship). And even though the battle was simplistic, how could I not get giddy like Malcolm and smile when Archer ordered to up the yield ante by 50%? And I might as well mention here that the Klingon bird of prey designs were very well done, as they looked like a nice mix between future Birds of Prey and Battlecruisers...

Aesthetically, The Expanse is a near perfect episode. But as an actual episode? Somehow, things felt rushed... I mean, I was surprised by the appearance of the Suliban, and it was a nice touch that the Future Guy suddenly sided with Archer against the Xindi faction or whatever (unless he's pulling a wee WWE swerve on them...). But after that, the Suliban mysteriously disappeared from the episode, and honestly, it might've made the episode feel more coherent if simply Daniels had told Archer about the attack instead... The Klingons were fun to watch, but overall, they posed no threat whatsoever. They tore apart the Enterprise at first, but with more earth ships on the horizon, you knew that Duras stood no chance... although it was surprising that he died, as the destruction of a Klingon ship could signal a war by the time the Enterprise returns from the Delphic Expanse... And the Xindi themselves? Since we only got to see a dead one, I can't say they're a threatening race yet. And it was kind of stupid for them to make a probe rather than a big bomb, considering they had all the time in the world to make one, as earth had no clue that they even existed... in the end, the Xindi reminded me of terrorists, striking down civilians without going for military targets. Of course, unlike terrorists, I'm sure their technology will be far more potent than the US-like Enterprise's in the Delphic Expanse, but that's besides the point...

Each character got a moment or two in this episode... more or less... except for Hoshi, who hopefully will get to be more than the useless hottie on the bridge next season... I mean, even Mayweather got to be the hero at the helm again, as he pulled off a loop at full impulse speeds (which shouldn't be hard with inertial dampeners, but I digress...). Phlox got a couple of good moments for the fifth episode in a row, as he got to scream at a Vulcan for ethics in one scene, and reveal his loyalty to the captain in another. Reed got to have a hell of a lot of fun with his torpedoes, until he realized they no longer could hurt Duras' ship from in front. Malcolm also got some touching moments with Tucker, talking about memorials this and movie theatres that, moments that rekindled their friendship that has been missing in action since Dead Stop. But the real star of the show goes to Charles Tucker, who did a hell of a job of going from innocent voyageur at the start, to disbelief grief, to disgruntled millennium soldier by the end (although his transformation between the three states was a little too quick, thanks to months skipped on television in the dry docks). I loved his anger when he told Malcolm to get the weapons ready so they could blow the Xindi out of the skies (although we all know how pathetic photon torpedoes will be in the end...). I loved his little death march rant about not tip-toeing around in the expanse. I also noted along with Archer that he seemed to have grown very fond of T'Pol, who might I add had some decent scenes this episode as well. I liked her moments with Phlox and Soval, as she did a good job of conveying mixed and shared loyalties to the two. I also did like the way she half pouted to Archer to keep her on the bridge, although the captain sort of ruined that moment with his Kirk-like, righteous stuttering speaking... Actually, considering the gravity of the situation (the weight of the world, actually), Jonathan Archer didn't seem like he cared very much. He didn't look like a boy scout when he was aweing the NX-02, but he certainly didn't seem like a man prepping for war with a military team on board his ship. He certainly did seem aggravated when he heard of the attack on earth, and I did like how couldn't say much about it, but in later scenes, the death toll seemed like just old news to him (then again, the attacks in Iraq already seem like old news to us, so...). And like I state earlier, his inability to speak anything but George Bushian English during his talk with T'Pol about her quitting the High Command, kind of ruined the scene for me... but hell, how can you not snicker and relish a character who tells useless Duras to 'go to hell'? It was probably the highlight of the episode for me, and I would be lying if I said a tingle of excitement didn't shiver my spine when they crossed the threshold into the expanse... I really hope that I'll enjoy this year long arc for Enterprise. I just pray, the show doesn't turn into 24 or some 24/7 crap like that...

And thus closes the final chapter on the sophomore season of Enterprise. I personally fell in love with Enterprise the first moments I watched it last year, and the second season was no different. It is officially my favourite Trek series since The Next Generation, and already I'm enjoying its seasons more than anything but the third and fourth of TNG (and maybe the 6th and 7th of DS9)... and, well... just to tell you few no-name readers out there, next week, before the new season of Stargate starts, I'll be rehashing and sort of re-reviewing the best episodes out of all the series I've watched this year: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, Stargate, and Enterprise. It won't be much of a review, but at least it'll be something to start the real summer-of-no-more-slayage off...

[c. visitors too bored to return...]
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