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The original Spiderman movie was the first movie I ever reviewed on this noname website of mine... if you can call whatever the hell I wrote a review, that is...

... and it was obvious from the fact that I talked less about the movie than I did about a father pulling a Steven Seagal on his son, that the original Spiderman movie definitely wasn't on my list of all time favourite popcorn flicks of the year... And I think it was even more than obvious that I was bored to tears, since I was too busy analyzing how damn openly Freudian it was (Peter Parker gets his father figure killed, murders the only other father figure, eliminates the friend/brother figure, protects the mother figure at all costs, wants to bone the childhood girl/sister figure, etc...) to even remember what the hell was going on in the film... Simply put, Spiderman was not nearly as memorable as I hoped it would be... not after the huge marketing blitz, I mean... and, well...

Truth be told, I kind of hated the first Spiderman movie. It was awkwardly paced, none of the actors or actresses seemed to have any chemistry with each other whatsoever, the dialogue felt more like a cartoon than a movie based on a comic book... and goddammit, I'm still pissed off that I jumped in my seat like a fraidy little school girl from that goddam Norman Osborn scene... If anything was memorable, pissing in my pants certainly was...

But goddammit, even though my brain was wracking at me to avoid the sequel to the film like the goddam plague, Sony sucked me back in again with yet another brilliant marketing scheme... Because I swear, Spiderman 2 had perhaps the absolute best movie trailer I've ever seen in my life. I've literally watched the downloadable 50MB version of it on my computer at least a dozen times by now, and it just never gets boring... which I knew would be a problem in the end... Because if a trailer to a movie is this damn good, then the movie in comparison can only end up as a bitter disappointment, right? Considering that all the good spots in the movie were already shown, that's normally how the movie game is played...

I saw Spiderman 2 in theatres today. First day. First review. I just couldn't resist...

... and because... well?... this film has been revered by critics all across the board as the series' The Empire Strikes Back. Hell, this film even has a 96% rating at Rotten Tomatoes right now, a feat I've never even seen before... and if only I actually liked The Empire Strikes Back (worst Star Wars film EVAR. Suck that down, bitches...)... although I really hate to admit this, but...

Was it a great movie? Maybe. Was it a perfect one like the Rotten Tomatoes rating suggests? Not quite exactly... but Spiderman 2 was definitely a war of worlds ahead of its predecessor. Hell, just straight off the bat from the opening credits, I just knew that Sam Raimi wasn't going to make the same damn mistakes with Spiderman 2 as he did with the first film. While the original had absolutely the worst opening credits I've ever seen, Spiderman 2 had perhaps the best that I can ever remember. Having water colour comic book paintings of the "last time, on Spiderman" sequences was simply a waterbrush stroke of genius. As the noname nostalgic, even I have to admit that...

At times Spiderman 2 felt a little long, with an ending that dragged on just a bit too much, and a middle act that never seemed like it would ever end. But to be honest? Completely unlike the first film, I don't think there was really a single time in the entire film that I was ever bored... Hell, that's a compliment that I can't even give the X-men movies, mind you...

The comedy was all there, even if it wasn't memorable. I mean, there's not many jokes I remember anymore, aside from a running gag about missing cocktail foods, and a rather brilliant cameo by Bruce Campbell, the Evil Dead Usher from hell... My brother though got a real kick out of the "my back, my back" punchline, even though he never really connected one and one together and realized it was a rib about Tobey Maguire's Seabiscuit negotiating tactics. And I don't think the rest of the crowd realized it either, but they sure as hell seemed to get a kick out of it too...

The music was all there, even if it wasn't memorable. None of the tunes from the soundtrack even stand out in my mind anymore. It's not like I'm humming anything in the elevators with Spidy on the side... But there was not a single time during the film that I ever felt the music was misplaced or awkward. And in many ways, that's the biggest compliment that I can ever give to a musical score: that it blends so perfectly with what's happening on screen, you don't even notice that the music is playing at all...

And the special effects? For the most part, I guess they weren't very memorable (bear with me on this one...). Spiderman looked horrible in CG whenever he stood still in the movie (and especially in those opening scenes... WTF were they thinking with that lighting?). And it's not like we movie goers haven't seen cars and taxis flying through coffee shops lately. As magical as special effects can be, we really have become desensitized to them... or most of them, at least...

Because absolutely the greatest CG special effect I've probably ever seen in a movie to date, has just got to be Doctor Octopus' mechanical tendrils. They moved so lifelike they that they almost seemed alive at times. And I really have to give credit to the scope of the film - they really gave Doc Ock some real damn style, with the mechanical arms lighting cigarettes and even playing cool with his Matrix-esque shades... It's been noted in almost every single review out there, how the Sam Raimi patented hospital scene was something fresh out of Evil Dead. And I admit, even I had to smirk at the sight of the chain saw... But while I also admit that the scene was far too "New York monster of the week" cheesy for me, never once did the mechanical arms look out of place. Hell, in the entire movie, not once did the mechanical tentacles ever look fake or cheesy. They looked as real as they come, and believe me when I say that's probably the biggest compliment I have ever given to a computer graphic effect...

And the battles the film? Looking back, except for the train sequence that everyone seems to be raving about as if they were on ecstasy, none of the battles were particularly memorable... and by default logic, I guess that would be a problem... And yet that's also the greatest compliment that I can give Spiderman 2, Dr. Strangely enough... That the battles may not have been memorable, that the comedy may not have been the greatest, and that hell, even the musical score wasn't really all there... and yet they were - they were all there, like pieces of a grand puzzle - and they never felt awkward or out of place, not even once (well, besides some cheesy comedy, at least)... Everything seamlessly blended in together as a whole in this movie, and dammit, made the comic book characterization of Peter Parker come to life on screen... While all the reviews I'm sure will be ranting about battle scenes here and special effects there, the only really thing that I care about, is that this film somehow suspended my disbeliefs to the point that it actually made a comic book character feel real in my eyes...

... for once, a comic book movie relied more on its character development than it did on character power...

... for once, a Spiderman movie embodied everything that the Spiderman mythos has ever truly been about...

... big time spoilers... although probably by now, everyone's seen the movie, so...

Peter Parker was absolutely the brightest star of the film, and completely unlike his performance in the first film, Tobey Maguire completely owned his role... Parker in this film suffered from the moral dilemma that plagues all superheroes at a point: what's the point in saving lives, if you can't even save your own in the end?... And overall, while the middle of the film sort of dragged on thanks to Spiderman not being Spiderman for too long of a time, I completely admit that Parker's dilemma really felt real at times... Some have complained that it's kind of weird that Parker would completely lose his powers, just from a subconscious desire to have a real excuse to quit his superhero life. I on the other hand personally thought losing his powers was a nice touch, sort of like performance anxiety, if you know what I'm talking about... However, relosing his eyesight and somehow completely losing his physique kind of mystified me to the point of actually laughing out loud (oops...)... But even still, both moments managed to provide some actual nostalgia from the first film. And both moments definitely provided some rather decent metaphors of what Peter Parker was feeling inside... And honestly, who didn't feel even a ripple of a chill down their spines when Parker dropped the glasses and clenched his fists to drop the gloves? The superhero was back, and I actually cared...

I will give all the credit in the world to the film for somehow suspending my disbeliefs and somehow making Spiderman falling, from a twenty story high building without a scratch, into something than actually helped the story rather than just annoy me with being scientifically impossible... And the real reason why the movie worked so well, Spiderman powers and all, is because the character basis of Peter Parker was just so much stronger in this film than the original... When the building was on fire, you can actually spider sense the guilt on his face. And when you hear that someone died in that very building, you can actually feel his heart snap in two... And honestly, I've never felt sad in a comic book movie before, but just the look on Parker's face when he was finally admitting the truth to Aunt May was nothing short of heartbreaking... even breathtaking, mind you... I still don't think Aunt May really fits into the movies well (her speeches were a bit too long and overdramatic, if you ask me), but her reaction to Parker's guilt was perfect... I mean, I really felt sorry for poor Parker. Guilt is the most powerful emotion in my life by far, and this movie was just so damn full of it that it actually made me want to cry...

... I didn't cry though... except when I looked around and realized there wasn't going to be another Steven Seagal moment, at least...

And completely unlike the first film, Tobey even had chemistry with Kirsten Dunst... Now, Kirsten once again didn't have much of a role except to get her hair all wet and look real horny for the photo ops... But dammit, she even played Mary Jane Watson as pretty sweet this time around, all the way to the point of her "go get 'em, tiger" finally sounding natural for the character... Although alas, at times, she was just a bit too one dimensional. All she did was pine for Peter Parker, without actually doing anything but repeatedly goad him into telling the truth. And she had absolutely no chemistry with Jameson's astronaut son (partially on purpose), although the upside down kiss was a rather nice bit of continuity... But Mary Jane really redeemed herself at the end of the film. The look on her face when she found out the truth about Parker was both surprising and painfully heartwrenching, and you can easily see in just the way her face shifts from sadness to smiles and vice versa, that she finally understands just why Parker has been acting the way he has... and it broke her heart to finally know the truth... Although some of the lines uttered were too damn long for the suspense of the scene, I really enjoyed the comic relief when Parker was trying to save Mary Jane's life from the fusion experiment. The two characters finally looked like they cared for each other rather than just for the money bags and script... And the scene where Parker had a heart to heart talk with his dame-next-door love on the spiderweb, was probably the most homely and heartfelt moment of the entire film, as even I felt horrible for the two characters and their forbidden love... And if the film had actually ended that way, sure the audiences would've booed at the end, but it sure would've made the film feel so much more whole than how it actually ended. I was shocked that Mary Jane learned the truth about Parker so early into the trilogy of films, but I was actually satisfied by the fact that Kirsten Dunst finally gave credit to her role... But then the film had to drag on and on, with a wedding runaway bride that made Watson look like a complete bitch, and an ending that may have been happy for audiences, but just somehow felt empty for me, knowing that the relationship between the two was being rushed thanks to the nature of the movie industry... I understand why the writers got the two characters together so soon - just in case the third movie is the last, I mean. But I really think they should've risked it all and left this kind of ending for at least the end of the third film. This movie was about guilt and finding yourself, and even though Mary Jane did find her true self at the end, it still felt tacked on to an otherwise wonderfully broody movie... What's the point of teen angst if you're going to be happy in the end? Make the audiences crave more with a hiss, goddammit...

Now, I never once imagined that Mary Jane would find out the truth in this film. But just from the trailers, I knew Harry Osborn would... And it's a good thing too, otherwise James Franco's character would have been completely wasted in this film... Because that's what he was: wasted. Wasted on scotch, actually... Are we actually going to believe that just drinking a bunch of scotch and reading a bunch of newspaper clippings can actually make a man go insane? Geez, now I remember why I hated the first Spiderman film in the first place... James Franco only got to play a one dimensional role, as evident from the fact that his only really momentous scene was bitch slapping Parker twice in the cotton mouth. His friendship with Parker in this film was completely lacking, though I suppose that's the point, considering he blames Parker for his father's death almost as much as he does Spiderman... And even at Harry Osborn's big shining moment, when he figures out the truth about Spiderman's identity, he still doesn't really get a single minute on screen to shine. Instead of giving him one redeeming moment where it shows him letting Parker go, we get a really cheesy cutscene of him somehow talking to his dead father in the Green Goblin mirror. While it obviously sets up a sequel brilliantly, the scene definitely made the film drag on to places that reminded me just why I didn't want to see this film in the first place... I'm really hoping that the fourth movie deals with Harry as the Goblin, and not the third. Because if this is the kind of brain grating dialogue that we're going to be forced to deal with yet again, then please give us one last good Spiderman movie inbetween, with hopefully a really good Spiderman villain to remember...

And that was probably what was the most memorable thing about the entire Spiderman 2 movie... Tobey Maguire was great for his guilt, Kirsten Dunst was actually adorable for once (her hair was nice, and thank God she didn't wear that hideous Chinese dress...), and even James Franco at least played his role to the best that the script allowed... But honestly, the show was stolen by Alfred Molina as Doctor Otto Octavius. I already mentioned that his tentacles were goddam alive enough to be counted as members of the cast, but I never once mentioned how damn great Molina's performance was, to make the tentacles seem so damn believable to the audience...

At times Doc Ock did get on my nerves though... Why did he need Stargate Trinium, when he was using bubble sonic emissions for fusion (sorry - I'm a tech geek, so I nitpick...)? How on earth did he manage to make mechanical tentacles that are magically immune to magnetization? How the heck did he manage to stay conscious from consecutive punches from Spiderman, a man who could even lift an entire building wall at the end? And honestly, why the hell would he create unnecessarily evil looking robotic arms with absolutely unnecessarily evil, self preserving AI? The logic of would-be villains is just downright baffling at times... And the scene where his mind begins to become possessed by the arms? Some critics called it creepy - I just call it downright cheesy (although at least it was still worlds ahead of whatever crap we had to put up with Norman Osborn)...

But goddammit, I'd be lying if Doc Ock wasn't the best damn villain I've seen on screen in years (although Stryker in X2 was pretty damn good himself)... Octavius wasn't the most menacing of villains, as all he really did was climb buildings like King Kong, stomp on the ground like Godzilla, and throw money bags of cars around as if we were watching The Matrix Reloaded or some crap like that... But he definitely had a personality. He definitely had intelligence. And he definitely had charm... The bank scene wasn't the greatest fight to me, except for maybe Aunt May's offence (although it bugged me that she was the hostage who was captured - wouldn't she have a "deliver us from evil" heart attack or something?). And the coffee shop scene was obviously spoiled for me by the trailers... But the train scene was absolutely remarkable, simply because Doc Ock did everything within his power to take out Spiderman, even to the point of sacrificing everyone on the subway. He showed no mercy, yet deep down inside, you could still sense that he was a good man, even with the loss of his wife and dreams... and it showed in his final scenes. Some might find it a cop out that Spiderman never was able to beat his nemesis, but I personally thought it was a great twist for Dr. Octopus to finally pull himself together and redeem himself for the monster he had become... I never liked how Norman didn't really give a damn when he found out about Spiderman's identity, but I sure as hell felt relieved when Peter Parker and his "unmasking binge" (did he really have to show off his bits and parts to the whole subway?) actually had a point in the end...

... end big time apple spoilers... get it? I made a pun!... oh, nevermind... a Peter Parker pathetic pun, I know...

Now, I won't be like all the other reviewers out there, gushing over this film as if it were the industry's saving private grace... I mean, sure I was never once bored during Spiderman 2, but that's not to say that I was always entertained. The movie did have a lot of weaknesses, afterall... Jameson still felt like too much of a cartoon character, although he finally was pretty funny for once. His son didn't really serve any point in the plotline, and I really felt he was wasted, considering what big plans are in store for him... I already mentioned that Harry Osborn was wasted from being Wasted. And judging from Doc Ock and his tendrils, I guess the bad-guy speecifying thing hasn't really gotten out of the writers' systems yet... Aunt May was still annoying in many scenes, especially in the one where she beat us over the head with an ugly stick about just what it means to be a hero... The middle act of the movie was a bit too long, as I've already said a dozen times by now. Some of the Parker dilemma things were just a bit too exaggerated. The ending dragged on, and didn't exactly finish the way I was hoping the film would end... And goddammit, evil Dr. Connors mentioned goddam Eigenvalues! I fucking hate Eigenvalues! They fucking failed me in first year Linear Algebra. Dammit, I'll never give four fucking stars to any damn film that reminds me of how damn much I goddam suck...

... but for everything that Spiderman 2 does wrong, I really hate to admit it, but it does a ton of things absolutely right. Because ladies and gentleman, although I still personally prefer X-men out of childhood nostalgia, Spiderman 2 truly is the definitive comic book movie for our generation. It truly brought to life everything that I think the Spiderman series is truly known for, and all that the Spiderman series truly stands for, all thanks to a brave man's attempt to bring the character of Peter Parker alive, and not just the character of Spiderman... This was the first comic book movie ever that I truly identified with the main character on screen. Whenever Tobey felt guilty, I felt guilty. Whenever he felt in love, I actually pined away for a horny Kirsten Dunst myself. And whenever he finally admitted the truth, to himself and whomever else at least, I really did feel sorry for him... I really did feel sorry... I actually did care, as if this was really Peter Parker, the comic book character that we all somehow care about... the one we all identify with somehow...

Peter Parker, the geek. With no choice but to be a hero... with no choice, just a conscience...

And even though I will forever still cling onto the blind hope that this film isn't perfect, or even that great, I will still admit that Sam Raimi and the minds behind Spiderman 2 truly did bring to life the very core, the very being, the very essence of the Spiderman meaning, in a way I never really thought was possible...

Nothing in this film was particularly memorable in itself... The comedy. The musical score. The special effects. The battle sequences. The script. The plot. Hell, even the characters...

... I will always hate the original Spiderman film, for making a boatload of cash for goddam Sony, keeping them aloft and afloat ahoy, during those early PS2 money-losing, money-grabbing days... I will always hate the fact that a movie that was just so damn cheesy and so damn boring in the end, could end up making so much money and get so much attention on name brand recognition and marketing alone...

... and while I never will like the fact that Spiderman 2 will do exactly the same, I am still man enough (and geek enough) to finally admit that...

Y2kk Update: - Nintendo's The Legend of Zelda: Four Swords Adventures Nintendo Gamecube Review (Spoilers) -

Fine. I admit it. Even as a Nintendo fanboy, I've never really had a thing for Nintendo's so-called GBA Connectivity idea... Sure, I justify that having an LCD screen all to your own does enhance and maybe even enchant the gameplay experience, for some gamers out there at least...

I mean, I have no Game Boy Advances! I have no friends! Goddammit, I'm one lonely son of a bitch, and Connectivity does nothing but remind me how goddam pathetic I really am...

I may not be the greatest praiser of Connectivity out there, no matter how innovative I may think it is (and no matter how much of an Nbot I try to be...)... but I am a huge fan of The Legend of Zelda series. Hell, I don't even think there's a single form of entertainment or artwork out there that can even come close to matching the sheer majesty of the Zelda universe. And truth be told, haters be damned, I don't think I'm quite alone in that assertion...

So obviously, I had my apprehensions when Nintendo put one and one together, and pretty much tied and tried to launch their Connectivity regime with the latest foray into the Legend of Zelda mythos... I was terribly afraid that I wouldn't even be able to enjoy half of the game, simply because I'm no more than one fourth of its target market. I have no friends, let alone three friends with GBAs...

What I didn't quite expect though, was surprise surprise... Partly because of its return to its 2d overhead roots, and partly because the Zelda series is the best damn series ever period, I soon realized that The Legend of Zelda: Four Swords Adventures was just as deep and just as engrossing and just as Nintendo magical as almost every single Zelda game before it... And considering I still consider the Super Nintendo's A Link to the Past as one of the (if not the) greatest games of all time ever made period, I suppose it's no real wonder then that The Legend of Zelda: Four Swords Adventures provided without a shadow of a doubt, the most goddam fun I've ever had with a video game this entire year so far...

... and considering the competition already released this year? Considering the fact that I've played through the game on single player mode only?...

This review is sort of going to be unique amongst the Halo flood of Four Swords reviews out there. I only played the game on single player, which I admit is a travesty. It's like rating Mario Party without a party (which so many reviewers seem to do...), or Counterstrike without online... but still, I can only review what I've played. And believe me when I tell all those gamers out there still sitting with their asses wedged on the fence: this game is pretty much as good as it gets... Single player alone was more than worth the price of admission for me, and I can only imagine what kind of reckless multiplayer abandonment and mayhem lies in wait... if only I weren't one unlucky son of a lonely bitch...

But you see, that's also exactly the biggest problem with the game. Connectivity is its greatest appeal and greatest strength, and yet it's also my greatest gripe with the game, bar none... The problem with Zelda: Four Swords Adventures is that as fun as the game is, you can literally feel in every single stage that you play, that the game would be that much funner with three friends at the helm. Take the first boss, Phantom Ganon, for example... In single player, the battle felt hollow somehow, as all I had to do was bounce the glowing ghoulie ballies back at the blue black badass four times in a row. Nothing felt original about the battle, and for the first half of the game, I really did consider that to be a real poor design decision for the series... And then lo and behold, I checked the internet, and what did I find? That in multiplayer, the battle is an absolute maniac hoot, with the glowing balls randomly changing colours, with only one Link out of four being able to deflect it... And it's not just the boss battles that made me feel so singled out in, um, single player... It's just so obvious that throughout the entire game, multiplayer cooperation was the sole and unbridled focus. It definitely does get annoying during the latter stages, where it's obvious all the backtracking you have to do in single player would be completely unnecessary with three friends to share the burden. And I don't know... the first time I saw the fire rod burn apart an entire field to ashes, my jaw literally hit the floor in amazement... followed by a singled shedded tear, that I would never be able to share such book burning bounty joy with an ever unsuspecting loser friend of mine...

... well, that's a bit of an exaggeration actually. Four Swords Adventures does have a plot - much more than I first anticipated, actually... though to be honest, I kind of felt that I could've done without the plot in this game... It felt tacked on somehow, and a bit of a clone of A Link to the Past in the end. I mean, the backstory of how Ganon in LTTP got his Trident was a bit interesting to an old timer like me. And remembering Agahnim from the past, it was obvious that Vaati wasn't really the true dark power in Four Swords Adventures... but somehow, it just didn't sit right with me that Ganon was behind everything in the story, MWAHAHAing in the background. I mean, if this was a true Ganondorf story, where was the Master Sword? The six maidens and Zelda were all here, but where was the Triforce? Where was the real adventure?... Just like with Majora's Mask for example, I definitely got the impression that Four Swords Adventures was meant to be a Zelda sidestory, from the gameplay at least. And that's perfectly great, and perfectly perfect - I loved Majora's Mask, and Link's Awakening still stands as one of the best games ever made, period...

But what was with the LTTP plotline tacked onto a Zelda sidestory? Besides Connectivity, that was perhaps my biggest grip with the game - that it was obviously trying to be just a simple and enjoyable game, yet it felt like it was being overpretentious on the sidedish side... I admit that I've been spoiled - I only seem to truly endear myself to Zelda games with a truly epic plotline. And maybe that's why it irks me so much, that Nintendo tried so hard to make Four Swords Adventure into a true Zelda epic when it really wasn't... Because it definitely didn't play like an epic. Hell, thanks to its level based design, it didn't even feel like an adventure...

Instead, it felt like an amazingly fun, innocent game. And I simply wish Nintendo had kept it at that...

I mean, sure I may have my gripes with Four Swords Adventures... but just like with Zelda: Wind Waker, what a Zelda game does right, it does a thousand times better than any other game on the face of the planet could ever hope to achieve...

Some on the internet complain that Four Swords Adventures was too damn easy, and to some extent, I agree. I did end up dying a lot in the latter stages of the game, even after mastering the amazingly intuitive C-stick formation schemes. But I still finished the game with nearly 90 fairies left over, which some would consider an iddy biddy problem, I suppose...

Because The Legend of Zelda: Four Swords Adventure is NOT an epic game. It is NOT an adventure game, despite its title. And it is definitely NOT your standard hack and slash game.

It is a puzzle game at heart, the best I've ever had the privilege to play. And even the battles in the game demonstrate that...

Take some of the boss battles for example. Fighting the Hemorac-Hemorrhage-Herpes-whatever bird-king from Wind Waker in 2d form was one of the greatest battles I've felt in years... Was the battle easy? I suppose it was... But why does that really matter, when the idea behind the gameplay was so damn ingenious, that I couldn't help but smile and shake my head at just how innovative it was in the end...

And just every single little puzzle in the game, from firing arrows in the pitch black dark off screen, to carrying poor bastards across pits in the abyss of the dark world, Four Swords Adventures had me stumped at least a million times along the way, and I loved every single second of it... None of the puzzles were overly difficult to solve. And dammit, so many of them were just so damn intuitive that I even smacked my head silly at just how dumb I was for not seeing the damn solution in the first place... This game literally even puts every other single Zelda game to shame in the puzzle department, as even the final battles against Vaati wracked my brain for ideas...

... although I'm still embarrassed at the time it took me two damn hours to figure out just how to push a damn block in place... oh, how I wish I could get those two hours and my belittled pride back... sniff sniff...

The main thing that will probably turn a lot of gamers away (and lure in nostalgic, lonely bastards like me) are obviously the 2d graphics in the game. Hell, the first time my brother saw Four Swords Adventures in action, he simply scoffed that the game looked worse than its SNES prequel, and then started marveling about The Chronicles of Riddick off to the side...

And while I admit that some sprites in the new Zelda are just downright pathetically designed (WTF were they smoking when they drew the Gorons and Dodongos in 2D?)... while I do admit that the graphics indoors on the GBA (and GBA emulator in single player) are perhaps the worst ever graphics I've ever seen since the Sega Genesis still defaced this earth... and while I do honestly wish that this game was higher res on the Gamecube (Link and Zelda look especially horrible in close-up cutscenes)... the fact of the matter is, for a 2d game, I must admit that Four Swords Adventures simply blew me away. It simply astounded me with its special effects, even rivaling The Wind Waker in every single FX department... I mean honestly, I dare you - just take one good look at the fire rod in a grass field, or a Shadow Link bomb dead center in the screen, or even the energy fields that the maidens enclose a certain bad guy with, and then look straight in my eyes and tell me that this game isn't a work of art... That's one thing that gamers today just don't give Nintendo enough credit for - they may not produce the most technically astounding graphics anymore, but they do create the best damn art. And they do create the best damn atmosphere to shine their art on like a pedestal... I mean, there is absolutely no slow down in this game. There is not even the slightest ripple in the framerate consistency. And really, sprites be damned - it looks absolutely amazing when seemingly dozens of soldiers all come crashing through the walls at once, with not even the slightest hint of ever taxing the Gamecube, no matter how many bombs are blowing or insane things are going on...

And the sound in this game? Low quality effects, I suppose. But never once did I have a problem with them (I guess The Wind Waker even got me used to that whiny Link voice)... And the music in the game? Absolutely THE best music in a video game ever, period!... What did you say? Four Swords Adventures just ripped a bunch of A Link to the Past and Ocarina of Time songs and remixed them? Well, obviously! Combine sheer nostalgia with a symphony of midi majesty, and then you'd have Four Swords Adventures... midi haters be damned, just hearing the old Hyrule Castle theme song still brings tears of joys to my eyes...

And as for the controls?... in single player at least, I will sadly admit that there were some faults with the controls, even with the GC stock controller... Obviously, controlling multiple Links at once is a chore, and constantly switching between them does get taxing, although it never does feel confusing... And while the C-stick makes Link formations feel entirely intuitive to use, I'm afraid that the L button just didn't seem to work the same. And while Link's old moves of hacking and slashing and spinning away all work just as wonderfully and masterswordfully as they did back on the SNES, I simply hated Link's new automatic dash move. I mean honestly, how many goddam times must I fall into pits by just trying to hit a bad guy, only to miss and end up jumping half way across the screen in the goddam process?... and as for the GBA component... well? I guess I may never know exactly how the game controls with a Game Boy Advance...

I absolutely hate the fact that I'm going to do this, but I just can't give the game nearly as high of a score as I want to, simply because for the first time in a very long while, I really feel like I'm missing out on half of the game here... and is it really my fault? I mean, I have no friends, goddammit! And I don't have the damn money to hire three hookers and four GBAs!... and like I mentioned before, there's just so many amazing things in this wacky game of combative cooperation that I will simply never experience (at the time of this writing, mind you... I'm too poor for hookers... for now...), all thanks to Connectivity... The real problem is, I know how great Connectivity can be if you have it. I've heard all the stories of just how damn fun it is to blow up a partner Link as he's exiting a door, or even shoving a little brother down a hole to save his life from a big ass bomb... And I won't be one of those jackasses, who constantly spit and spite and cynically claim that Four Swords Adventures could've been done without Connectivity. Because without Connectivity, the fun of all four Links splitting apart and going wherever they pleased, all at once, wouldn't even be a fourth of the fun factor that it is... and dammit, that's the biggest problem! I know how damn fun Four Swords can be... and no matter how damn amazingly addictive the game was in single player, there will always be this lingering thought and cold feet doubt in the back of my mind...

As a multiplayer game, I know in the pits of my dark world heart, that The Legend of Zelda: Four Swords Adventure simply has no equal. But as a single player game?... well?...

Four Swords Adventures surprised me to the bone. I never would've suspected that a multiplayer return to the series' 2d overhead roots, could produce a game so damn worthy of the Zelda franchise name. But just like with every single Zelda game out there (besides the god-awful CD-i's, at least...), I was without a shadow link of a doubt absolutely proven wrong...

... a Zelda game is the only time in life I enjoy being wrong (although I suppose being wrong happens too many goddam times in my life, goddammit...)...

The graphics in Four Swords Adventures are truly unique and a sight to behold in this day and age. The music in the game was more touching to me than any other game since The Wind Waker, or even Ocarina of Time... The combat in the game is amongst the best I've ever played in a Zelda game, even putting A Link to the Past to shame. And the puzzles in the game are so damn simple yet so damn thoughtful, that it almost makes me want to beg the video gaming gods for a return to their old skool 2d gaming ways...

... the game wasn't perfect... but it was absolutely the most damn fun I've had with a game all year, period... no doot aboot it...

... the only problem is... I could just feel in my heart, in every single stage, that I was just somehow missing out on so much more...

Y2kk Update: - Steven Spielberg's The Terminal Theatrical Review (Spoilers) -

Contrary to what I first believed when entering the downtown theatre, Steven Spielberg's The Terminal is NOT a romantic comedy.

And in a sense, I was disappointed in that, considering I've really been on a chick flick kind of binge for God knows what kind of reason as of late... And yet in a sense, I was relieved that the movie was no more sappy than having a box of chocolates with a terminally ill gal in the eighties.

When asked by the JFK airport customs inspector, Frank Dixon, as to why she seems to have a thing for Viktor Navorski, Catherine Zeta Jones' characters simply replies, "that's something a man like you could never understand"...

... uh huh... and, well... I guess that's something the entire audience will never understand either... Because I swear to God, Tom Hanks and Catherine Zeta Jones had absolutely no romantic chemistry whatsoever. Hell, I would've given an arm and a leg or even the full price of gas right now, just for Meg Ryan or someone to have taken her place. After movies like Joe vs the Volcano and You've Got Mail, I've simply (and sadly, considering I'm a guy... so sue me...) fallen in love with Tom Hanks falling in love with her for absolutely no reason sans script... and hell, it's not like Meg Ryan is doing anything actually important right now...

Because like I said, The Terminal is absolutely not a romantic comedy, even though the trailers for it definitely made it out to be one. Instead, it is a movie much closer to Forrest Gump, simply telling an innocent story about an innocent man, in an absolutely innocent tale that you just can't help but fall in love with... I've heard a lot of wannabe movie critics out there claim that The Terminal really dropped the ball in terms of telling a relevant story to today's modern world. It seems that all the Michael Moore would-be's out there were destined to be disappointed that The Terminal wasn't some 9/11 rip-off about how Arabs and whoever else get their arms and legs torn off in airports these days... And in a sense, I hate to admit it, but I half do agree with the critics. It would've been great to have a film that deals with these kind of darkish, modern issues...

... but where I don't agree with the critics, is that a post 9/11 film has to be dark and edgy to have a point.

Because believe it or not, the simple tale of Viktor Navorski from Krakozhia is exactly the kind of movie that the critics wanted it to be. They just can't see it, that's all... not with all those big, fat, rich, white movies like Fahrenheit 9/11 out there, staring them straight in the face at least...

The thing is, Viktor Navorski is a victim of the system. He can't leave the airport, he can't return home, and he can't step on the American soil that he so desperately wants to see. He is an innocent man, trapped by the very rules of The Man, who acts just a bit too much like an iron fisted George Bush for his own good...

Customs Officer Frank Dixon played his role masterfully, for the most part at least. I loved the two scenes where his instincts prevailed - the actor truly was at his best cracking the shell on the Walnut case, and when embarrassing me with that Chinese Disneyland fiasco over there... And it's so damn hard not to like Stanley Tucci's performance in just the simple scene where he's watching Viktor Navorski make more money fixing up the airport than he was making in the head office... Behind the scenes, Frank Dixon was a small, belittled, confused and jealous man. He didn't know what to do with Viktor, because the Krakozhian simply would not break the rules. And he envied Viktor, perhaps for having the guts to do what's right rather than just doing what the rule book says. And the "goat" scene definitely proved it - the contrast between these two men was stupendous, as a real rivalry culminated all the way to the finale of the movie... But unfortunately, sometimes Dixon was played as too much of a hard ass to even be entertaining. While little moments like his mutual disgust with the poker-won fish were memorable, so many of his scenes simply felt too over the top. Threatening Viktor Navorski at the end of the film just felt forced and almost strikingly out of character for someone who seemed to be finally getting the "ignore the rules" thing by the middle of the film. I understand that he was afraid of losing his Field Commissioner position, the job he was begging for over ten or more years. And while some brilliant scenes (like his obsession with the security camera when begging Navorski to break the rules and leave the building) did point out that Dixon was definitely a man on the edge, it still seemed that most of the time, he simply had a petty jealousy of Viktor, and nothing really more than a man-made rivalry.

And maybe that was the point? I'm not really quite sure... but compared to the rest of the characters in the film, Dixon eventually just faded away as a single-dimensional character...

The Terminal has been compared to a comedic Castaway on more than one occasion, and in many aspects, I agree. Every single scene that Tom Hanks was in, he owned. Whether he was alone or talking to a can of Planters peanuts, he owned every single scene he was in... But what made The Terminal stand out from the cast-awayed crowd, was that for once he was surrounded by actors and intriguing little subplots that actually did matter in the film. Hell, in some scenes, I even think Tom Hanks let his co-stars steal the show... passing the torch rather than just passing the buck, I see...

The romance between the INS agent played by Zoe Saldana and the food boy, Enrique Cruz, was kinda hard to swallow at first. I mean, of course Enrique on the side caught my eye, considering he was eyeing his girl with the same kind of intent that I always did from the shadows with my obsession... But c'mon already - sure it turned me on that she was a Trekkie (she better like Enterprise, dammit...), but both of them just got married like that? Out of nowhere? Damn, where can I get my own INS agent who looks like that then?... but seriously, while the latter (and actual?) part of their relationship kind of waned on me, the foreplay (with Viktor as the foreman middleman) was definitely one of the highlights of the movie. Tom Hanks just had a sort of benevolent charm to him, with his inability to even translate what had transpired that day, that even made me feel like he had more chemistry with the INS agent than Enrique did at times! Or all the time, actually... His little quirks, about standing behind the yellow line, and his brilliant line about having a "fifty-fifty" change of making it into America, made the scenes more interesting than I ever could've first imagined. And all Zoe had to do was stand there with her little stamp and look cute! It was amazing how simple their little relationship was, and yet how endearing (like father and daughter, almost) that it felt in the end. And while Enrique didn't get nearly as many classic scenes as his bride to be got to have, it was still ridiculously funny to watch him hang on every word that Viktor said (almost as pathetically as I hung... and still hang... onto every single word my obsession ever said...). And I even loved how this little subplot affected moments in the main drive of the plot. Dramatic irony is always the greatest, and the crowd I was with definitely snickered at Viktor's smug look when he turned down Frank Dixon's sandwiched food for the day...

But absolutely the best supporting character in the entire film was the one character that I thought I'd hate from the trailers. Gupta Rajan, the short and stern little man from India, seemed like a stereotypical character to me at first, even with his "appointment" and "CIA" running gags. But once he opened up to Viktor (after a ridiculously funny scene of Tom Hanks opening himself up to an X-ray machine), Gupta really turned into one of the best characters in the entire film. Hell, probably the funniest scenes in the entire movie came from him, from the absolute look of disappointment on his face whenever someone stepped around his "Wet Floor" signs, to the absolute movie-stealing show he put on with the carnival act at the balcony dinner... And the end of the film? Sure, I was disappointed in how the movie ended (I'll get more into that later), but there was one moment that truly stood out from the rest in those scenes, and of course... you guessed it - it belonged to Gupta... Like I said, he looked and sounded like just another stereotypical character at first, but in the end, I was the one who was bitten in the ass, for stereotyping him as a stereotypical character. He was perhaps the best damn comic relief I've seen in a film in years, and definitely one of the most endearing characters in a very long while as well...

Hell, even his accent was amazing in this film... Now, I may not be Eastern European. Hell, I'm a Chinese loser who can't even speak his native language, thank you very much... But my first name is Ivan, so at least I can pretend like I know what I'm talking about when it comes to Eastern European nations. And first of all, a) I've always loved Krakozhia - it was my favourite vacation spot to ever visit. And b) sure his accent wasn't authentic, but dammit, Tom Hanks actually did sound Krakozhian to me in this film! Normally when a completely English actor dons an accent (like Colin Farrell and that horrible Irish accent of his... oh, wait...), I end up hating the movie, just because I can never get around the accent. But hell's bells, Tom Hanks can pull everything off, can't he? He even made it sound like he was learning English by slowing toning down his accent. His scenes of somehow learning English from comparing American and Russian travel guides had me as goddam jealous as Frank Dixon was about his foreman job...

That was the real American beauty of this film: how damn innocent Viktor Navorski was, and yet how much he actually achieved. His misunderstandings in his first meeting with Dixon at the airport were just pure comedy gold - he had absolutely no idea what he was being told, he had absolutely no idea how much he was making us all laugh, and yet he still managed to understand enough of what was being said to refuse to break the law... And the scene with the watching security camera may have been completely devoid of Tom Hanks dialogue, but Viktor sure as hell put on a hell of a show, all while really having no damn clue at just how much he actually achieved... I mean, by actually following the rules, he took it to THE MAN! Tom Hanks is THE MAN, and just the little innocent scenes of him ducking out of the view of the camera, had the entire cinema balling in innocent tears. Cynical bastard critics out there may never put one and one together and figure out how this one scene alone embodies all that is right and wrong with America (and hell, neither will I, since I'm making this up as we speak...). But dammit, people! Just watch this scene, and tell me that it doesn't at least make you snicker. With Tom Hanks just staring at the camera like a wide-eyed child, too scared of the consequences of the outside world to even take one step forward, it was all just so ridiculously funny, with Frank Dixon growing more and more irate in the foreground. And somehow, just somehow, it felt real deep and meaningful as well... like a Charlie Chaplin movie...

... now, I never liked Charlie Chaplin... I've never even seen one of his movies... but I know he made movies, and I respect that...

And once again, this film was compared to Castaway for a very damn good reason. The scenes where Viktor figures out the nooks and crannies of the airport terminal life were every bit as interesting as watching Tom Hanks send the tooth fairy a present in one of his all time best movies... The "quarter scene", where Viktor finally figures out how to afford food at the airport, had me and the rest of the entire theatre balling on the salty floor in laughter. And hell, just making the bench where he sleeps on at Gate 67, had me reminiscing of his first discovery of man-made fire, without the annoying song and dance at least... While Castaway had Hanks surviving in a place with absolutely no civilization whatsoever, The Terminal proved to be an amazing "sequel" thanks to the fact he ironically couldn't figure out how to live with capitalism all around him! And every single attempt he made at figuring out corporate America, from waiting an entire day for a phone call at a pay phone, to even being unable to lie about a morbid fear of his home country, the audience really somehow identified with this lone man on the screen. We didn't even notice all the people buzzing past him, ignoring him as if he were on an island... Tom Hanks didn't stand out in this film thanks to film tricks, or even from the fact that he was Tom Hanks. He stood out, because we the audience were looking for him, strangely enough in his bathrobe... And why?

Because he made us care about what happens to him next. The Terminal told a story. And as simple and innocent as that sounds, there's no question about it - in a world full of points and propaganda, just telling a story is definitely a rare and sacred thing to behold...

Once again, for the record, The Terminal brings back to life some of the best moments of Castaway that my heart still remembers and endears. I would've given that film a 9/10 if I had seen it in theatres long ago, which kind of pains me because I just can't give its spiritual sequel the same kind of revolutionary treatment... The spoilers I listed above mainly dealt with the first half of The Terminal, simply because I just can't help thinking about the first half. It was an amazing comedy, with such deep and nuanced revelations about our society that it really made the movie feel like a film for the ages.

But what the hell happened in the second half of the film? Tom Hanks gets pussy wiped by a girl that's NOT Meg Ryan? WTF?...

... I won't go into details, simply because it simply ain't worth it. But all of Tom Hanks' performance was pretty much ruined by Catherine Zeta Jones, trying to be romantic but failing like she does in everything but her T-Mobile commercials... And it was because of this couple's absolute lack of chemistry, even by the fountainplace, that even the hated ending of the film felt welcome to me... Except for their dinner date, there was absolutely no saving private grace to their relationship. Hell, if it wasn't for Gupta in that scene, their meaningless talk of croissants and pagers would've bored me to tears.

Yes, it's true - I don't care where Croissants come from. Who in their right mind would give a damn where Croissants bloody hell come from?...

... unless my obsession was telling me the story, but that's a story for another day...

But in all honesty, the second half of the film didn't go downhill just because of her (Catherine Zeta Jones I mean, not my obsession... well, maybe my obsession too...). Everything just didn't seem to click anymore, from the Enrique and Zoe subplots, to even Gupta's chemistry with Viktor Navorski (except for of course, their "master plan" at getting Viktor a date...). Hell, even Frank Dixon started disappearing into the background - he kept watching Viktor like a hawk, yet for so many weeks, that's all he did. Quite a letdown, actually... If this film had stayed with the same kind of pacing and storytelling that the first half of the movie embodied and embroided onto film like a sweet smelling handkerchief, then The Terminal would be every bit as worthy as Castaway was to the Tom Hanks collection. But I just can't say this film was one of his absolute best, simply because the latter half of the film just dragged on to the point where I just didn't care for the ending anymore. Viktor's reason for going to America was supposed to be touching, and I bet it would've been if the rest of the film had held up...

I walked into the theatre expecting a romantic comedy... After the first half of the film, I fell in love with it as a comedy... and if it had just stayed that way rather than turning into a romantic tragedy, it probably would've ended up as my favourite film of the entire year so far (not that there's been much competition, sans Shrek 2 at least...).

... still... the film had just so many unforgettable moments, that this review (for such an innocent and simple life movie) is probably one of the longest movie reviews I've ever written on this entire website. Despite what all the cynical wannabe-critics have to say, this movie is surprisingly deep, the kind of which that I didn't even feel Forrest Gump and Castaway felt in the end...

And that's the best thing about The Terminal... about that thing this movie does...

I suppose it's not really anything analytically deep. I suppose it's not nearly as simple to dissect and extract on a table like other Tom Hanks classics as Forrest Gump, Apollo 13, and hell, even Catch Me If You Can...

... but except for perhaps Forrest, The Terminal has something that none of these films really had...

And a feeling you get, at least from the first half of the movie, that keeps driving into your a heart a wedge, a stake... a feeling... a gut-wrenching feeling, that this film is just somehow really deep... You don't know how, you don't know why, but somehow, just somehow... it's telling you something...

... which is indeed a rare thing these days, post 9/11... there's your moral for you right there...

... life is like a box of chocolates, and Tom Hanks definitely had me at "Krakozhia"...

Y2kk Update: - Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story Theatrical Review (Spoilers) -

I did my best to avoid reviews for this movie, I really did... Terrified that even a single stray line from a single review on the net would give away the best comedic moments in the film, I really did try my absolute best to stay away from all the reports on Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story... and, well...

... alas, I am weak... because I think by the time I finally did see this movie, I read about two dozens early reviews for it on the internet... and I thought doing so would've ruined the movie for me.

The thing is, they all claimed that Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story, despite how endeaing it was, was a worse of a movie than Zoolander was a couple years ago. And it's not like I'm disputing that fact... because, well... What gets the big, honkin', f-ing "WTF" from me, is the fact that nearly every single frickin' review this year actually claimed that they loved Zoolander two frickin' years ago?!

Is my memory just completely messed up or something, because all I remember are countless reviews that tore apart Ben Stiller's movie back then as just a cheap hack of his early career skits? Am I making up history or something, or did every single friggin' critic back then say that Zoolander was perhaps Ben Stiller's worse movie ever to date?... and yet all of a sudden, while praising Dodgeball, they all claim that it can't match the majesty of the goddam movie they suddenly all seem to love? I know Zoolander became a cult hit as a DVD release, but honestly...

... well... as a huge fan of Zoolander WHEN IT ACTUALLY FRICKIN' CAME OUT, I can honestly admit that the hypocritical critics are right - Zoolander was a better movie than Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story... That's not to say that Dodgeball definitely doesn't grab life by the ball and run with it. That's not to say that the film doesn't put its money and mouth where its balls are... hell, as Ebert pointed out in his review, Dodgeball deserves some sort of critical appraisal at least, for its cunning sort of deus ex machina kind of name... Dodgeball isn't a 'true story' about an underdog. It's a story about a 'true underdog'...

... don't ask me why, but that took me about five D's of weeks of trailers to finally figure out...

... yeah... and you thought Derek Zoolander was dumb... at least he can read mines...

... and, well... Even though Zoolander may be the better of the two movies, I can faithfully agree that any person who enjoyed Zoolander will get the same kicks and kickass riles out of Dodgeball. Both share the same kind of formula for humour, with Ben Stiller being a pompous idiot who can't string together sentences, and his wife, Christine Taylor, playing the really, really, ridiculously good looking kind of girl of a role... And it's mainly because of these similarities that Dodgeball may never branch off on its own from its predecessor. Afterall, Zoolander had a far better cast with Will Farrell and Owen Wilson in the, um, cast... and as we all know (with all the modern day critics as proof), it's hard to like the 'sequel' to a film when the prequel was just so really, really, ridiculously damn good...

... even if only by painfully warped nostalgia... I guess the brainwashing finally did get to them...

Being in Zoolander's shadow wasn't the only problem with Dodgeball as a film... I admit that as a True Underdog Story, Dodgeball was definitely amusing. It just wasn't laugh-out-loud funny most of the time, and half of the reason why was because of the same damn reason that spoils all comedy movies in the end...

... Now, I'll give credit where credit is due. Even after it was damn spoiled as the highlight of the Dodgeball trailers, I was still pissing out ten-days old milk out of my nose at the "If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball" routine. And hell, probably the best damn gag in the entire movie came from the Patches O'Houlihan followup, "if you can dodge traffic, you can dodge a ball"...

But besides that? I chuckled in the trailer at the sight of the cheerleading flashback - I didn't in the movie, though... In the trailer, I couldn't get enough of the old skool Dodgeball videos from the World War past. But by the time I made it to theatres, I barely could even grin at it anymore... And even some of the best gags not found in the trailers, like "the five D's of dodgeball" or a trio of brilliant cameos, were all ruined for me by either critic reviews out there or even the damn commercials for Dodgeball itself.

Because of that, I could feel myself wanting to laugh during the entire movie... but I just never did...

That's not to say the movie wasn't hilarious. But I guess it is kind of ironic, that I would consider a movie that I really didn't laugh at to be utterly hilarious...

... okay then, the trailer was hilarious. And still, even fully knowing the premise, I still snorted out guilty giggles whenever a geek got shot in the pills.

... guess the movie reminded me too much of my own damn forsaken past, mind you... but we shall never speak of this again...

Hell, now I just can't help reminiscing about it... Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story truly brought back to life the worst goddam memories I have of elementary school... I was the horribly inadequate geek in gym class (and, um... still am today, sans gym...). Hell, I even wore my regular, matching jump shirt clothes for both regular school and goddam gym lessons, since I was too damn scarred to ever set foot in the changing rooms (don't ask why...)... As the movie promo states, Dodgeball really is a game of violence, exclusion, and degradation. And believe me when I say my balls are as small as they are now for a very good reason...

But that was the main joy in Dodgeball - the guilty pleasures of relieving my own past through some poor sap's eyes... I can't say that I ever really cared for the characters in the film though. Most of them were just piss poor caricatures, like Steve the Pirate or Angry Gordon with the mail-order bride... And even though thanks to my obsession, I usually have a thing for movies with lead romantic blonde actresses (The Wedding Singer, You've Got Mail, Zoolander - hell, even The Parent Trap... so sue me...), I absolutely felt no chemistry whatsoever between Vince Vaughn and Christine Taylor, even though she was just as really, really, ridiculously good looking as she was in Zoolander... Actually, the only joy joy that I got out of Christine was in the fun of watching her real life husband hit on her, and of course watching her hit him back... Thanks to the info of the imdb internet age, I actually felt more chemistry between the good girl and the bad villain in this film than I did for the protagonist... After Ben Stiller's previous movie performances, I really would've preferred having more Engalish scenes with him rather than so many straight-forward (and completely unsavy business) scenes with Peter Guy LaFleur. While the Calgary Flames are certainly an underdog team that I can cheer for, Average Joe's gym certainly ain't no not...

But at least I was pissing at all the Canadian jokes... is that a good thing or a bad thing? Canada - the underdog on all fours for America... I really don't know...

Do I sound a little disappointed in Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story?... maybe... But to be honest, it was exactly the movie that I thought it was going to be (exactly as I thought it would be... sadly...). I knew I was going into the theatre spoiled thanks to the trailers, and in that sense, the movie was spectacularly funny (just not when I was in the theatre, that's all)... All the supporting characters did their jobs in making me snicker and hunger for a Snickers. Rip Torn as Patches O'Houlihan had some of the best lines in the entire film. Gordon at least delivered a couple good dodgeball scenes or not. Steve the Pirate stood out from the crowd. The geeky romantic, whatever his name was, put on a hell of a show in that final Dodgeball match. And Christine Taylor did a hell of a job with one ridiculously funny ending twist (must've turned Ben Stiller on back there in the, um, back...)...

All the rest of the characters in the film definitely made me smile from time to time. Because despite my negativity, Dodgeball was not a movie that was boring. Even despite an ending that dragged on for longer than it should've, I still was shocked at the end credits of the film, that an hour and a half had passed by so damn quickly without me ever noticing... The film felt really damn short, partially because it was so damn short, and partially because it was one of those few sacred movies that really was entertaining the whole ride through.

And what made it special... was that it was based on Dodgeball, for Christ's sakes! Everyone's played Dodgeball. And everyone's played either on the stronger winning side, or the pathetic loser side like me... This movie was delightful nostalgia in the end, as every single crotch shot, twang off the glasses, and banging blow to the head made this movie every bit as distinct and memorable as Blue Steel and Magnum were in Zoolander... Even if I can't really recommend Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story as a movie to watch in theatres, I definitely can't recommend this movie enough as a rental or a DVD purchase. Or hell, even as a repeated watching on www.apple.com/trailers...

... the only thing I'm afraid of now, is that two years down the road, I'll somehow change my mind about Dodgeball like all those pandering critics out there did with Zoolander (unless all the critics back then were simply fired and replaced for their really, really, ridiculously horrible Zoolander reviews... but I digress...)...

... not like anyone would ever notice though... I am the Average Joe's of noname movie reviews, afterall...

... and, well... the movie was just a bit too close to reality for its own good, I see...

Honestly... the reviews for this movie have been nothing short of Riddick-culous...

... yeah, well... sorry for the horribly overused pun, but I just can't stand all the Riddick reviews out there, Riddick-culing this film...

Now, I was never a big fan of Pitch Black. Actually, I sort of despised that movie, except for the rather interesting premise... and the fact that the lead female role looked pretty damn hot in that balmy little tank top of hers (I have a thing for blondes, you know...)... but still...

And maybe that's why I enjoyed The Chronicles of Riddick as much as I did. I mean, I could feel during the entire movie that Vin Diesel wasn't going to be winning any Academy Awards anytime soon, but I did thoroughly enjoy this film. It had great special effects, a stellar soundtrack, some of the best CG designs I've seen outside of Stargate (...), and no matter what any critic says, it also had some of the best fight scenes I've ever seen in movies since X2 at least... All the critics seemed to despise Riddick though, throwing rotten tomatoes at his high profile candyass. But unlike all those reviewers, you see... I didn't like Pitch Black...

And probably the reason why I enjoyed The Chronicles of Riddick so much, was because I didn't want a sequel to Pitch Black.

Because The Chronicles of Riddick had something that Pitch Black just didn't have: proper pacing, or at least pacing that I liked (except for the first act, at least)... I know Pitch Black became infamous as a niche, cult favourite title. It was definitely a good, low-budget looking movie. And I admit that the pace of the film was consistent throughout the entire film... but the film just didn't have the kind of witty dialogue or moving plot development that's required to keep me entertained for a movie with such a slow heartbeat at times. Only a few things intrigued me in that movie: the sight of the darkness rising, and of Riddick rising to the top of the food chain (until that awful ending, at least).

The Chronicles of Riddick took those two things that I enjoyed from its predecessor, and put it all into what I hope will be the start of a new sci-fi action franchise. I mean, there's a reason why Vin Diesel turned down sequels to Fast and the Furious (surprisingly good movie... horrible milked out sequel) and XXX (movie made out of shit... without shitty porn to make it look good...)... Because simply put, no matter what anyone says, Riddick is Vin Diesel at his very best. He was a badass, pure and through. And regardless of the PG-13 rating, Vin Diesel provided the best badass performance I've seen on the movie screen since Terminator 2 brought forth some of the best one liners of this entire generation of film making...

The first third of Riddick wasn't exactly the best of the movie though... I personally thought the special effects of everything but the Halo-esque troop transport (loved the anti-gravity generators though) was lacking in imagination. Besides, I think the trailers already spoiled everything decent about those scenes to me... It just wasn't very involving for me to see Voyager-Hirogen-dressed soldiers swarming the streets of Star Wars rebel fighters, and it did kind of annoy me to see those Borg-rip off sensor drones just roaming the hilltops... And I'm sorry, but I hated Imam in the first movie. It was nice that he returned for the sequel, to actually link this movie to the first (because God knows Jack/Kyra wasn't a real link), but his character proved rather useless in the end. His family did too, as the little daughter had nothing to do but spout out that Pitch Black line again, about Riddick killing the monsters and yadda yadda yadda... And the scenes in the actual Necromonger acropolis or whatever? The whole mind-reading, prophecy thing was thankfully rather low-key for the rest of the movie, but I'd be hard pressed to claim that it didn't bug me for this one damn scene at least. Just like I couldn't honestly believe that Judi Dench's talents (who visibly could be seen in all her scenes, counting the money she's making from this movie in her head) could completely be wasted with completely cliche and pointless "Chosen One" talk in this movie, I really couldn't believe that a movie based around a badass Furion could end up so boringly bogged down by prophecy crap... then again, it worked for the Matrix...

I suppose there are more similarities between Neo and Riddick than I ever really thought about before. They're both supposed to be uber-cool, and in the end, uber-badass anti-heroes... but while Keanu only got to show his badass nature with his kungfu moves (and the slaughter of cops who wouldn't turn into agents for some odd reason...), Riddick really got some real shiners of lines that truly defined his typecasted character even better than Fast and the Furious ever did... The movie finally started to pick up steam for me when Riddick just shows up at the Necromonger's harvesting of new converts, with really no way to escape (not like he cared). Riddick wanted revenge for the death of his friend, so he actually challenged the killer to a fight, and stabbed him through the heart with his own knife before the fight even got started... Lord Marshal (the cliche leader of the evil Necromongers, wearing a slew of masks he carved out in Face/Off) tells Riddick, "he was one of my best men." And in a brilliant prose of a line?... hey, it may not be Shakespeare, but still...

Sure, the line may be cheesy as hell to read, and hell, maybe even cheesy as hell to hear. But dammit, it worked for the character. It worked for the moment. And it worked for Vin Diesel. And that was what this whole movie was all about... Critics complained wildly about the monologue scene that Riddick has in the mercenary transport ship. And I completely agree with the critics here - the scene was just too damn long, with nothing ever really happening... But even in that one monologue, Riddick had a brilliant line that spoke volumes about his character: "Why drive, when you can be driven?" And it's little quips like that truly define the movie for what it is...

... as Vin Diesel finally reclaiming his lost badass glory. Riddick truly is the man...

Because I honestly cannot even fathom the criticisms against the Crematoria scenes in the movie... While obviously "Crematoria" is the worst name for a planet ever, and it's unimaginable that a planet with a 700 degree sunrise would have a breathable atmosphere, why the hell should any of us care when the action and suspense in those scenes were that damn good? Hell, it was even an homage to Pitch Black. In the prequel, safety was in the sunlight; in Chronicles of Riddick, there was nowhere safe on the planet but in the shadows. And I personally thought it was an amazing touch and a thoughtful twist...

Everything about the Crematoria scene defined The Chronicles of Riddick as the absolute best popcorn movie of the summer to date. I loved the way Riddick broke free of his chains. I loved his comment to Toombs that he "should've taken the money". I loved his cheesy interaction with the poorly designed hell-hotdog - " it's an animal thing" - if only because of the WTF reaction on his inmates' faces... And even though the final fight scene on Crematoria was the absolute worst travesty of the movie (at first, I tried to think that the lack of sound effects was an artistic choice... but then I remembered why this film got a PG-13 rating instead of a Pitch Black R...), I must admit that every scene surrounding that one, overdrawn-out battle sequence, was the best sci-fi action I've seen in years. From the volcano ash, to the sun rising in the fight against the Necromongers, to even the revelation about Lord Marshal's "Purifier", I really did love Crematoria (as stupid as that sounds to say). And honestly, Riddick had absolutely the best one liner in the history of recent one-liners down in that jail cell...

Well, maybe that wasn't a single line, but still... death by tea cup alone made this movie one of the best movies of the year so far, no matter what any of the critics say. And even though I had a thing against Alexa Davalos from her Gwen Raiden days on Angel (too much makeup = bad interaction with anyone but Charles Gunn), I must admit that she suited the role of super sexed up "Jack" quite well. She did kick ass in the prison scenes, although she seemed to try too hard to be a badass with her limited, whiny lines. Alexa definitely looks much better than normal with her hair all fritzed up, and I almost felt sorry for her when she saw Riddick just lying dead on the rocks, with the blazing Sun rising on the horizon... and to be honest, I was surprised by her fate. I honestly never saw it coming. And that alone made the final act of the movie a lot better than I thought it'd be. After Crematoria, in my opinion, the movie had nowhere to go but down. But at least, it still went out with a big bang...

Lord Marshal was a horrible villain. His act of stealing people's souls was stretching it too far, even by sci-fi standards. But Lord Vaako and his Truth About Charlie Wife definitely filled the voice of the void, no matter how damn cheesy and single-minded their lines were in the end... Because even without lifting a finger, they proved to be the real threat in the movie, both to their leader and to Riddick... Now, I was a bit disappointed in the final fight scene. Sure I was relieved that Vin Diesel finally got his ass handed to him, I was pleased that it was mostly a one on one fight, the special effects of Lord Marshal as The Flash were decent, and the end to the battle was pretty damn badass in its own right. But I just don't know... I suppose because there weren't really any cocky one-liners, the battle just felt sort of flat to me... And although the ending was predictable, considering all the references throughout the movie to "you keep what you kill", I still was rather shocked to see Vin Diesel slumped in that chair as the final scene in the movie. I don't like how the movie ended so abruptly after that, but still... it does makes me want to know what will happen to our rogue, lead character from now on. That has to count for something...

As it obviously has most critics, as their absolute Riddick-culous reviews have foretold...

The Chronicles of Riddick obviously deserves some of the criticism lobbied at its throat. The first act of the movie felt disjointed and disoriented at best, the crowned villains were clowns (and that includes Vaako, despite the fact that I enjoyed his inner conflicts), the backstory to the riddled Riddick-verse was plagued with hollow answers (Furions? Elementals? Underverse? Underwear? WTF?), and many characters were grossly misused (though Judi Dench was definitely smiling at the bags of money she held in her hands at the end of the movie...).

But for every fault and nitpick, there was so many damn things about this movie that I did so thoroughly enjoy. The mercenaries had some great lines (I loved their reaction to Riddick's little shrug on their ride to Crematoria). Kyra had some great action scenes. Even Imam had some good moments in trying to convince Riddick to save his world. And Riddick himself?... for once, I actually LOVED Vin Diesel's performance in a movie. He helped make Fast and the Furious into the movie that it was, and quite frankly, he WAS Riddick in this film. He was the whole damn film. He was the whole damn show.

And he owned it. He owned the role. The movie may not set the gold standard for all sci-fi movies to come, but dammit, Vin Diesel has truly set the platinum standard for a complete, movie badass... he was so damn cool, that it was simply re-goddam-Riddick-culous...

I went into this film not expecting Pitch Black 2. I went into film not even wanting Pitch Black 2... I went into this film wanting The Chronicles of Riddick, and that's exactly what I got. The movie may be plagued with weak dialogue, weak villains, weak supporting characters, weak plotline, weak story backdrop, weak ending, weak opening weekend gross, weak overall movie, etc etc etc... and 99% of the time, I'd sort of assume that'd be a bad thing...

Y2kk Update: - IvanFian 2003 to 2004 Television Global Globe Awards (Angel vs Smallville vs Stargate vs Enterprise) -

How the hell am I going to entertain myself on any night, period?... wait, don't answer that one...

The thing is, Wednesdays for the past two years at least, have been a special kind of thing for me. It was the day that both Angel and Enterprise aired last year, and the day that I added Smallville to the mix this year (although that really wasn't my choice... or so I attempt to claim...). Those three shows provided three solid hours of television entertainment at its best, each and every Wednesday night. No other night could ever compare - not Charmed Sundays, not Wrestling Mondays, and hell, not even Hockey Night in Canada Saturdays could ever hope to match the overhyped triple entente of the only three shows I've ever really religiously watched on television, all back to back to back...

But as of 2004, Wednesdays are no more... Angel has been canceled, for no explicable reason except for drunken money hats whatsoever. And Enterprise has been moved to the Andromeda death trap of Friday evenings (although it's not like I have anything better go do with my life on Friday nights...). And Smallville? Well, that goddam useless show is still on Wednesdays, but I hate that bloody hell show, so that doesn't help things very much... and hell, I don't really know what the future of television has in store for me. I still have my precious Stargate, I'll have Enterprise for one more year, and hell - maybe I'll even start reviewing Alias or some crap like that out of sheer lunacity one of these days? It'll be nice for once, for Smallville to not always be the absolute worst show I review each and every week. Afterall, the act of having a horrible third act is getting a bit old...

But I don't know. All I do know is, Wednesdays will never quite be the same. Angel is gone. Enterprise has been shipped to a retirement home... but at least both shows can go out with a hurrah. And in my opinion? Hell, they already did go out with a bang, as they definitely swept the academic board across with the official IvanFian 2003 to 2004 Global Globe Awards.

Both Angel and Enterprise this season?... they had me at hello... and they have more of their fair share in IvanFian pointless awards...

First category up is the Best Episode Script award... I was wondering whether I would give the runner-up spot to Stargate's Homecoming, for the return of the Jack and Daniel bickering... or to all those Angel episodes, with the most belligerent of scripts, ranging from all the cracks in Just Rewards to the emotional father-son relationship in Origin...

But then I remembered one of the greatest Enterprise episodes of the entire season... Now, Enterprise ain't normally known for its stellar script writing or anything. Even I admit the show's never ever had witty dialogue or clever character banter. But this year's Stratagem really did shock me in its quality writing and storyline. I mean, I knew something was up when Archer started off the episode with gray hair, mysteriously in a shuttle with the Xindi we all knew was responsible for the attack on earth. But the episode played out the sequence of audience-discovery with near perfection, giving us subtle hints along the way that some sort of ruse was going on, before finally letting us in on the secret (and it was a very clever secret, in my opinion at least)... Now, of course the episode wasn't perfect. Degra was far too incompetent at the end of the episode, although I did love the look on his face after he finally realized what he had done. But there's no denying that Stratagem had some of the best dialogue Enterprise has ever had since Shuttlepod One, between Archer and Degra and the fates of their two worlds. This one episode alone made Degra one of the most fleshed out and popular guest characters on a Trek series ever, and so much of that was due to his conversational chemistry with Scott Bakula... Although some critics claimed Twilight marked the true shift in the momentum of the show, I personally consider Stratagem to be this season's version of "Yesterday's Enterprise". I absolutely loved this episode, as every little line uttered from the mouths of Archer, Trip, and Degra was timed and executed perfectly to, umm... near perfection...

But while the suspense of Stratagem ranks right up there with the best of television of the year, Enterprise can simply not pry the Best Episode Script award away from Mutant Enemy. The people behind Angel are some of the most gifted writers I have ever had the privilege to be entertained by, and this year's Hellbound was no exception... Now, obviously the episode did have its fair share of cheesy lines. And many of the voices of the ghost-like characters just weren't clear or distinct enough to have the echoing effect intended. But honestly, no matter how many times I watch this episode, the brilliant prose-like writing gets to me every single time... Pavayne had some of the best MWAHAHA lines I have ever witnessed in a television show (and since he was from the 19th century, he even made the cheesy lines sound believable). And Spike was truly the man, providing the perfect counter and the perfect amount of contrasting snark to the pansy ass 19th century ghost of a man... And the rest of the entire cast played their parts as well. Angel delivered some amazing and poignant speeches about the fate of the souled vampire champions, foreshadowing what would happen for the rest of the season. And Fred got to be cute as a button yet again, obsessing to the point where she would giggle each time when she wrote on the walls... While not every Angel episode has the rewatch value that old skool Buffy episodes seem to have, Hellbound definitely made me watch and watch and rewatch the episode time and time again, because the lines and dialogue just never got old. The episode marked a true turning point for Patrick Swayze Spike, it brought forth the hellbent Angel, and it delivered the most beautiful Fred moments the season had ever seen. What more could I ask for, for I see dead people?...

Anyhew, moving on... the second award of the night is the Best Episode Battle Scene award. And to be honest? I was quite disappointed with the battles this entire season on both Angel and Enterprise... For Angel, sure the fight against Hamilton in Not Fade Away was decent, but it's all been done before (and felt like a Matrix rip-off, somehow). And sure, Spike and Angel got to go one-on-one a few decent times in sweeps, but none of their fisticuffs were ever truly memorable... And as for Enterprise, considering the Xindi Arc brought forth the promise of a war, I was really hoping for some Deep Space Nine quality battles and epic stuff like that. But Twilight just didn't cut it for me, and the season finale of Zero Hour was quite the bitter disappointment in terms of absolutely zero earth defences... Hell, Enterprise's battle line-up was so damn weak this year, that I was almost considering Smallville for this Battle Scene award. And quite frankly, that's pretty damn sad...

But there was one Enterprise episode above all else that truly shined, umm... abov eall else, in the epic battle scene category at least... While Azati Prime's final moments definitely rank up there as one of the best cliffhangers the series has ever seen (although the end of the battle scene in Damage definitely let me down), I think the runner-up to the Best Episode Battle Scene award has just got to go to Countdown... The civil war between the Xindi in this episode was definitely the most epic battle sequence in the series to date. Xindi ships were flying everywhere, and the Enterprise dogfighting with the Reptillian flagship while circling the Xindi sphere definitely ranked up there with the smooth ass ship animations in Anomaly... Now, I was a bit disappointed in the battle in Countdown at first, that besides some pretty cool photon torpedo explosions, nothing explosive was really going on. The Enterprise from E2 never reemerged to dive headfirst into the weapon, the Enterprise and its new Xindi allies never got to use any real unorthordox strategies, and the TOS-beaming scenes were a bit anticlimactic (even with Hayes' death)... But honestly, the one thing that truly made this battle unique, was finally the use of the anomalies as a weapon. I mean, the effects of the Xindi ships being torn apart like paper were priceless. Hell, the Aquatic ship had perhaps the most unique destruction ever for a Star Trek vessel... Now, some on the internet complained that the water from the Aquatics should boil in space rather than freeze, but does it really matter? In a universe were sound travels pass the stars, all I really care about was that the effect of the shards of water freezing stone cold in space was too damn cool for its own good (no pun intended...)... Azati Prime gave Countdown a good run for its battle money, with all the amazingly destructive scenes happening inside the Enterprise. But Countdown definitely takes the cake for the best battle sequences outside of the actual Enterprise ship, and the episode really did make me salivate for the final conclusion to the Xindo Arc... it's just too bad Zero Hour just couldn't deliver on Countdown's promise...

But with all this 2004 talk of Angel this and Enterprise that, it sounds almost like I've forgotten about my second favourite sci-fi show, now haven't I? And what was the name of that show again? Humour me... Because the Best Episode Battle Scene for the entire season, without a shadow of a doubt, just has to go to Stargate SG-1's The Lost City (Parts 1 and 2)... The first half of the two hour season finale had one of the most addicting land battle scenes that the show has ever produced. Now, it still irks me even to this day that the Colonel's men were firing damn machine gun fire at Alkeshes, fully knowing that anything that hits wouldn't even make a dent let alone a meaningful scratch on the paint... But just the whole epic event of death gliders here and bazookas there, really made the scene make up for the lack of action in the rest of Part 1 of the episode... And as for part 2? My God, how many times have I watched the action sequences in Part 2 of the Lost City, I think I've lost count... Now, I admit I was disappointed that the Prometheus and the X-302s didn't get enough "air time" on the television screen, considering how major of a battle was going on above Antarctica. But that doesn't change the fact that I relished and cherished every single damn microsecond of the battle that was being shown on screen. I mean, I knew Hammond wouldn't end his life with the collision course at Anubis' ship, but I'll be damned if I didn't admit that the huge ass mothership pounding away at the little Prommie didn't have me at the edge of my seat... And while there was never really a threat from the Drone Soldiers in the Ancients' output, I still was floored by the special effects and the sound effects buzzing past my screen (from human guns way beyond our technology... but that's besides the point...). And the final effect of the Ancient finger of fire, cutting a Xindi swath across the huge fleet of Anubis, has definitely got to be worth something at the Emmy's for best damn special effect, ever... After about fifty repeated viewings of the final battle in The Lost City, I think I finally did lose my sense of taste and the will to watch the battle one last time. I realized that the episode didn't have the best action sequence ever in the history of Stargate (considering most of The Lost City was a tease), but it definitely had me on the edge of my seat... for months on end, somehow... and still to this day, I suppose... and while that may mean nothing to the Emmies, it sure as hell means a lot to me...

Stargate SG-1 definitely outpaced and outgunned both Angel and Enterprise in the special effects and battle departments this season, but somehow ended up lacking in the emotional department (even with Heroes this season)... And Enterprise definitely had its fair share of episodes that affected me in ways I couldn't ever have expected. I mean, I screamed "NOOO!!!" at the television screen at the end of Azati Prime. And hell, I'm in love with T'Pol in love with Trip! How the hell was I supposed to expect that to happen?...

But still, the runner-up to the Most Emotional Episode Award has just got to go to Angel. It had so many brilliant episodes, from Smile Time to Origin, all of which really melted the heart and made me giggle like an Amy Acker school girl in delight... Now, technically I felt a lot more emotion from Origin than Not Fade Away, but I just have to give the runner-up award to the series finale anyhew, simply because I felt so much emotion because it was a series finale... Not Fade Away is obviously not my favourite episode, but I'd be damned lying if I wasn't feeling at least something throughout the course of the episode... I felt effulgent pity for Spike in the poetry bar. I still felt sorry for Gunn, for selling out his soul to the devil (as contrasted by his visit to everyone's favourite name-stealing Anne). The death scene of Watcher Wesley Crusher (sorry, just Wesley...), with the make-believe Fred holding him in her arms one last time, was one of the most touching moments of loss in the history of the entire show. I think I almost shed a tear... Hell, I even felt bad for Lindsay, the wannabe badass tiny Texan. He was finally showing some humanity, and yet he was killed for crimes he hadn't even committed yet (hmm... don't want to relate to that movie though...)... And Angel? Although I will still complain how his scenes with Connor were cut short, I personally chose Not Fade Away over Origin for the runner-up award, because both had the most touching scenes with Connor ever written in the entire series... and even though Not Fade Away will probably never stand as one of my favourite Angel episodes of all time (just like Chosen pretty much sucked compared to the rest of BTVS), I simply cannot deny the fact that first, I was teary-eyed at the rainy, nostalgic return to the alleyway from the first episode of Angel... and then I was in an uproar at that god-awfully annoying cliffhanger of a series ending... I may not like this episode, but I'm man enough to admit that I was ready to cry like a girl when the final credits were set to roll. Not Fade Away itself wasn't the most emotional of episodes, but the series as a whole most definitely was...

Which sure as hell explains why the 100th episode of Angel, You're Welcome, gets my vote for the Most Emotional Episode of all shows of the year... I mean, sure I can still complain that the dialogue in the episode was just too much catch-up quality, and not enough new stuff. And hell, Lindsay's plan and slow-paced final fight against Angel was more than just anticlimactic... But just like Spin the Bottle touched me with nostalgia last year, You're Welcome did quite the same damn thing. And it works... Just the mere mention of Connor at the time made me actually remember the third season of the show as if it was actually good. And the mere sight of Doyle on the screen almost made me forget about how badly I wanted that damn plasma screen his video was being shown on... I loved the brief return to the Cordelia and Harmony friendship. I loved Wesley's comment about "kickin' it old skool". I loved the fact that snarky old Cordelia was back, even mocking all the evil things she did the season before when possessed. And hell, Cordelia Chase was hot this episode! Fred may be the most adorable girl in the world, but damn did Cordy wear some damn fine outfits in You're Welcome... she's welcome, indeed... But perhaps the most frightfully touching aspect of the entire episode in the end, was of course the shocking ending. Except for perhaps the moment when Buffy sent Angel to hell in Becoming Part 2, I don't think I've ever felt as sad for a character in the Buffyverse as I did for Angel when he got that fateful phone call at the end of the episode. And quite frankly, I was shocked. I never saw it coming, despite all the clues... and I was sad, too... the episode was such a perfect send off for the Cordelia character, but I never actually expected her to die... and I never actually expected my voice to go dry... I wanted to thank the writers for such a beautiful and stunning episode, but I think they already knew that, considering the title of the show... I don't think I said a word for minutes after that ending. The only other time I was that damn dead silent, was when the fucking Maple Leafs lost to fucking Phile in Game 6 of the fucking NHL second round playoffs... but that's a story for another day, when I'm finally past mourning the end of a great Buffyverse character... and past mounring the loss of another great NHL season, but I digress...

And now, for the only award that ever truly means anything to the Best Picture obsessed... Now, there were tons of competitors for the awards I've already given out. Angel had Hellbound, You're Welcome, and Origin. Enterprise had Anomaly, Stratagem, and Countdown. Stargate had Homecoming, Heroes, and The Lost City. And Smallville?... well, it was there... hell, it even had Truth and Asylum. Even Smallville had the potential this year to actually be noticably mentioned here and now...

But absolutely none of these episodes (no offence or anything) had any chance of prying away the Best Episode of the Year, Period award from the two episodes that I revered above all else this season...

The runner-up for the Best Episode of the Year award goes to none other than Angel's Damage. There was absolutely no other episode this entire season that made me feel suspense, comedy, pathos, and intensity the way that Damage made me feel... At first, I was a bit apprehensive at the fact that Andrew was coming back. He was one of the few redeeming qualities of Buffy's last season, but his act was getting a bit old by the end of season seven... But chalk it up to the Super Mutant Enemy writers at Angel, for breathing new life into the show by having Andrew work wonders with each and every cast member of the crew. His Lord of the Rings references had me rolling on the floor in laughter, and the expressions on Spike's face were simply priceless... Andrew also brought a new, even darker type of dynamic to the group. The audience knew he was telling the truth, that Buffy didn't trust Angel anymore. It was ironic - we needed Andrew, who didn't have a thing against Angel, to be trusted with the fact that nobody trusted Angel... and the sheer delivery of the line was almost haunting to the bone... And being a huge Spike fan and all, I just couldn't get enough of his dilemma of the week. Here we had a much needed return to the Slayer mythos, with Spike finally having to deal with the consequences of his unsouled past. Damage was perhaps the last episode where Spike truly got to shine alone in the season, but what a way it was for him to go out... He had the best heart to heart talks with Angel since Hellbound, he got some great fighting sequences with the psycho Slayer, and James Marsters delivered with sheer brilliance some of the most honest lines his character has ever gotten to grace since season six of Buffy the Vampire Slayer... I love Spike, I really do. He is perhaps the best damn character in the entire Buffyverse. And James Marsters truly stole the show with Damage, without damaging the reputation of his fellow actors of the show whatsoever.

And yet still... Angel's Damage just couldn't snatch away the Best Episode of the Entire Year award from the one episode that had me gripping the edge of my seat for months without end... It turned out to be the only Enterprise episode with real rewatch value in the entire history of the show, and it turned out to be one hell of an episode as well...

I mean, there was an obvious reason why Azati Prime didn't get the best battle sequence award of the year.

At first, I didn't really warm up to this episode. Hell, in my own review, I specifically stated that I didn't think the episode could measure up to Anomaly's legacy... and while Anomaly may be a damn fine episode, especially in light of the events in Enterprise's Damage, I realized after watching the episode again that it just couldn't hold a brief candle to the sheer majestic majesty and the miraculous pace of Azati Prime. Everything about this episode screamed for Best Episode of Trek, ever... In terms of suspense, with the thought of Enterprise losing its captain (and its captain losing his ship), the episode even outpaced the Borg of Regeneration last season. In terms of special effects, it even put the best of Deep Space Nine to shame (and Episode I of Star Wars as well), with the mere sight of the Xindi weapon being built underneath the water... The episode had a little bit of something for every character to do. Mayweather got to be the piloting hero, Hoshi got to figure out the Insectoid language (very helpful for later on in the arc), Trip got to be concerned for T'Pol, T'Pol got to throw T/Archer 'shippers a friggin' bone, Archer got to have some brilliant scenes with Daniels in the future and Dolim in the present, and hell, even Degra got to return and remind me why Stratagem turned out to be such a great episode in the first place... And the ending to the episode? My God, the ending. The few Trekkie friends that I had all complained that a) T'Pol was acting irrationally, and b) they knew the Enterprise would magically repair itself from a reset button... My my my, how low has the image of Trek actually gone? But I had faith in the heart, knowing where the Trek writers would take us (gag... I know...). I knew that there was a reason why T'Pol was acting outrageous, and after seeing Damage, I really appreciated Azati Prime for that much more of its worth. And after watching the rest of the Xindi arc (with no reset button mind you... yet...), Azati Prime just seems that much better. It's the absolute Best of Both Worlds to me. It was the absolute turning point of the entire series, and ranks right up with there with Broken Bow Part 1 as the best Enterprise episode ever made... In terms of storytelling, it was worlds beyond anything that Voyager ever produced. And except for battle sequences, it was even better than any of Deep Space 9's best, in my opinion at least... Every time I rewatch Azati Prime, I just end up appreciating the episode more and more, for tying in so many lost fragments of the Xindi arc beforehand, and for laying the groundwork for the entire arc for the rest of the season. Ladies and Gentlemen, Azati Prime truly was the founding pillar of the entire series, and perhaps even the pillar of the founding of the Federation. It may not have had the best action scenes ever made, it may not have had the best script ever written, but it did have a great story. It did have a great battle. And it did leave me begging for me, as perhaps the best damn cliffhanger episode since Best of Both Worlds.

And there you have it - the IvanFian Global Globe awards 2003 to 2004, whatever the hell that's supposed to mean... and now quite frankly, until Stargate starts back up in the summer, what the hell am I going to do with myself? I really don't know... this past season of television was great on almost every front (Alias and Smallville being the obvious exceptions)... I've said it before, and I'll say it for the millionth time: I really am going to miss Angel. And I just can't wait for the return of Enterprise, despite Zero Hour being a zero hero for me...

So I suppose it's rerun season for me then, right? Sounds like so much damn fun, now doesn't it?...

... but with a season filled with Just Rewards, Hellbound, You're Welcome, Origin, Damage, Anomaly, Twilight, Similitude, Stratagem, Countdown, and yes, Azati Prime... then yeah, I guess. For the first time since the DVD age was born, maybe it will be damn fun to watch all these amazing episodes again on television? Until the DVDs come out at least... only time will tell...

... thanks to the first movie, that name's now the cornerstone of cartoon cuddly and cutesy. He's the American Idol of all ages now it seems (and not the American Infidel that you'd assume an Ogre would be after LOTR... um, nevermind...)... but bah, even after buying the DVD, I still haven't become a super megafan of the first Shrek movie or any sort of crap like that. I mean, the first half of the film was filled with absolute discovery and desire, and the dragon in the castle scene that finished the first or second or whatever act up, was absolutely the most epic animated scene I've ever seen since perhaps the Lion King... but I personally thought the film bottomed out after that. I appreciated how Shrek (like Trek?... nevermind...) was trying to be a modern take on the fairy tale archetype, but I was not impressed with the sheer cheesiness of the romance at all. I prefer subtlety I suppose... along with a computer generated girl who can turn me on (like Boo in Monsters Inc!... wait, that's not right...), which Cameron Diaz's Fiona certainly did not...

I feel the same way about Shrek 2 actually. I mean, the film certainly had heart and soul. I actually did giggle like a school girl at some of the more epic romantic parts of it and stuff, like the "I Love You" engraving on the Lord of the Rings, and the ending of the film (which I'll get to later). But sadly, for most of the movie at least, while many of the gags were creative, the emotion just wasn't there... Shrek 2 in the end turned kind of like an opposite form of Shrek 1, like mirror images of Fiona, with the latter half being far superior to the first half. Some of the final scenes in the sequel definitely rank up there with perhaps even Shrek's first visit to the theme park kingdom in the first movie, but absolutely no scene captivated me the way the Dragon did a couple years ago. In that sense, I was disappointed.

I envy Shrek 2 though... it has managed to become the sheer American Icon for almost all age groups to watch and adore... Every animation studio needs just one magical film to open the market up to the rest. Disney had Beauty and the Beast and The Lion King, Pixar had the Toy Stories, and now Dreamworks' has Shrek (their Spiderman of the season, if you will)... and it's not hard to see why the film is so loved. I mean, I may have been a bit disappointed in the film, but only because I had expected far too much from all the buzzy, overglowing comments I've been hearing about the film from people I know (my brother included... me c'est still bitter...)... Some of the little jokes were amazing in the film. Puss'n'Boots had a great introduction - I was already laughing so hard at the hairball gag, even after watching it in the trailers. And the cutesy eye thing that the tiny wee cat was pulling out of his bag of tricks? It was adorable! The poor little cat in boots... But for every great joke that Puss'n'Boots pulled off, there was a whole mess of others that I simply did not find funny. I didn't even snicker at the sight of the cat ripping Shrek to shreds, and although it was creative how the cat got the Happily Ever After bottle out of the glass container, I didn't find it funny either... I was hoping for a large rivalry between the cat and Donkey, but it never really materialized. It was sort of just Happily Ever After between the two, although I really could've done without that remake rendition of the awful song I've always hated near the end...

The supporting cast of John Cleese as the King, Julie Andrews as Fiona's mother, and whoever else as the Fairy God Mother and Prince Charming all did their respective parts well, I suppose... The Queen never really did much. From her understanding of the Shrek situation right away, I knew that she had gone through a similar experience herself. I was guessing that the King had been an Ogre before (which would've been a good reason why Fiona was once part Ogre), but I suppose the real solution ended up more touching in the end... Now, John Cleese did a good job acting like he was between a rock and a hard place. I always knew the King was a good guy inside - he was just scared and ashamed of his past, that's all (aren't we all?...). But there was absolutely one thing I did not enjoy - John Cleese looks nothing like this guy! In animation, it just doesn't work to me if the actor lip-synching the words looks nothing like the character he's supposed to. And yes, somehow that also includes animals (I have no idea why Donkey actually does remind me of Eddie Murphy, or Shrek reminds me of Mike Myers... they just do...). But John Cleese's voice completely didn't suit the character I was seeing! I can't really explain why, but he bothered me throughout the movie...

The bad guys in the film were a nice twist. The Fairy Godmother being sort of like The GodFather was an interesting take on fairy tales, and one that would've worked well (if her voice suited the look of her character as well...). She wasn't menacing though, but I personally thought she was a better villain than King-whatever in the first film (though nothing can ever replace the dragon...)... I didn't enjoy many of her comedy routines though. They felt more like poutine, quite literally actually... Going off of her diet only reminded me how much I hated the Subway diet, and I'll never forgive the movie for trying to make me hungry... And I was confused. If Julie Andrews played the Queen, why did the Fairy Godmother sing the songs? Her first one was awful - it was trying to be an old skool Disney song, without having the lyrics or simple clarity to make it work. But when she sang Hero?... well, that was already when the movie was really picking up, but I'll get to that later... As for Prince Charming, the idea of the most handsome person ever being the most chauvinistic poutine in the world is definitely nothing new. His arrogance did beget more annoyances than entertainment eventually, but for the most part it worked in this film, especially when the ol' switcharoo happened later on in the film... higher level spoilers for those who dare...

Ah, the plotline of the film... this was perhaps the biggest fault of the movie... It tried to blend Meet the Parents with classic fairy tale parodies (like Pinnochio being a real boy for five seconds), but it failed in one regard: it didn't have the basic archetype of a fairy tale anymore!... I know that no fairy tale really ever had a sequel. And God knows that when Hollywood tries it (see Wizard of Oz 2 for details...), only crap ever comes out of the pie hole... Shrek 2 did its best in remaking the intagible magic of the first film. But without a set-up archetype, of rescuing the princess and falling in love, it just didn't feel like a fairy tale anymore. And maybe it wasn't trying to be?... What it was in the end, was a smart comedy, and even a smart political commentary at times. And if I wasn't expecting so much more, I could definitely appreciate that.

Like I mentioned earlier, the film started out real slowly... Now, I loved the first five minute montage in the film. Even with it being Quicktime spoiled for me on the internet, I still tapped my feet to the beat of Accidentally Falling in Love... but after that, the film accidentally falls into a predictable mess. First Shrek gets whipped into meeting the parents, then we get an annoying (though vaguely amusing) scene of "Are we there yet"s (from Donkey who strangely enough, wasn't annoying for the rest of the film to me), and then we finally got to see the land of Far Far Away (which to me, just wasn't as innovative as the kingdom in the first film was). I appreciate the parodies of Starbucks, Old Navy, and whatever else in the commercialized kingdom. I even snickered at the sight of that homeless bum shining the horses for a nickel. But eventually, as the scene wore on, the corporate parodies did too. Trying to read the reworked names of each and every store was fun at first, but too much of a good thing can be bad, especially after seeing that Far Far Away Hollywood lettering just a bit too much... And from there, the film still didn't pick up much steam. The opening bouts between Shrek and the King were just too predictable and cliche to be funny, and the arguments between Fiona and her newlywed husband I guess reminded me of my own love life a bit too much (without the love part of it, of course...). The first scene in the film that I really thought was special was when Shrek was flipping through the secret diary - the little innocent cartoon writings were probably what turned the entire movie around...

The theme of the movie, was what would you do for love? Love is compromise, and after Fiona sacrificed everything for Shrek in the first film, it was touching that he would finally do the same... Now, the next few scenes in the film didn't grab me either. I didn't snicker at the "Pretty Woman" fairy tale comment, I didn't really enjoy the factory scenes (felt like a bad try at rekindling the wrestling scenes from the first movie), and I must admit, Shrek really is ridiculously ugly as a human (and now Mike Myers voice no longer matched the character he was playing...)... But you see? Even though I couldn't stand Shrek's face anymore, that's when the movie finally did start turning great... It was smart how Prince Charming tried to pass himself off as the new Shrek. And Princess Fiona screaming at her old beautiful self in the mirror was a nice touch as well... It was beautifully touching how Shrek was willing to let Fiona go, just so that she could be happy - it may not have been the best decision, but it was one of true love indeed... And then came absolutely the funniest parts of the movie: the trinity of parodies. The Cops spin-off was utterly brilliant! Who would've thought cat-nip could be so damn hilarious? And the Mission Impossible music blaring in the background of the jailbreak escape made it just as memorable as even the Knights scene in my eyes... And the massive, Monsters Inc Gingerbread Man playing the Marshmallow man? Oh, not the gumdrop button!... Starting from the Knights show, Shrek really did take off. And the rendition of "Hero" was amazingly smart as well. It not only made the rescue scene far more climatic and dramatic than it ever would've been, it not only made the cheesy dancing more than tolerable, but it was actually appropriately fitting to the entire feel of the movie as well. It blended perfectly with the scenes of milk being poured onto the poor Gingerbread Man (noo! Stop making me hungry!...), it trolloped masterfully with superstud Donkey galloping through the castle, and goddammit, the song even made sense! Not only was the song about heroes, not only was it about doing anything for love, but dammit, it made the movie a brilliant parody of The Bodyguard in the end! At last! A cheesy song that actually worked, and worked wonders! Yes, it had me at hello... a hello halfway through the movie, but a hello nonetheless...

As for the ending, I did smile like a Japanese school girl when Fiona predictably chose to turn back into an Ogre. I mean, she made sacrifices for Shrek last film around - she only wanted to know that Shrek would do the same, and he proved it... Now, I could've done without that awful Livin' La-whatever Loca song near the end, though the donkey-dragons were mutantly adorable... and I admit that I was happy, that Shrek was happy, for being an Ogre again, for knowing who his true love is, and for having the blessing of the father finally (and it only took a couple of assassination attempts to do it! Not half bad... wish I was there...)... but alas, there was just one minute problem for me though... you see, Fiona looked horribly disfigured as a human in the first film, and Cameron Diaz's voice never really matched the look of her Ogre self as well. But I guess animation has really come a long way or something, because, umm... human Fiona in Shrek 2 was kind of... umm... hot?... I guess I have a thing for freckles... and she even matched Diaz's voice perfectly?... sniff sniff... I was actually sort of sad to see her go this time... she really had me at hello...

In the end, Shrek 2 was insanely funny during the parody moments. From the Lord of the Rings, to Cops, to even Ghostbusters, this film was ridiculously funny every time it ridiculed another film... but where the film falters is it's desperate attempts to try to recreate the mood and atmosphere of a fairy tale, which even I admit the first film did extremely well... Like I reiterated before, Shrek 2 is a fine addition to the soon-to-be-four member family of Shreks. It has a brilliantly woven ending, and a nice fairy tale take on the all-too-familiar Meet the Parents scenario, which I assume most teenagers and adults can relate to far more than I and my long lost love life ever could... and if only they made an entire film out of catnip, I don't think I could ever be more happy... or high, but that's a story for another day...

But ultimately, while I know I should love Shrek 2 (and ultimately probably will), for now all I know is that I was disappointed in the film, just like I was disappointed with the latter half of the first movie... but I know, I know - review the movie for what it is, and not what you wanted it to be... and what it is, is a brilliant comedy with touching scenes and one hell of soundtrack...

I mean, to Shrek's credit, I remember not enjoying Finding Nemo much at first either. It was a disappointment to me compared to Toy Story and Monsters Inc, and I remember writing about my bitter disgrace after coming out of the theatres... but after watching the fishy-feeling film a second time around, and after loving it a third time around, I remembered just why I love animated films so much in the first place. Because the best of them just have an inherent charm, the likes of which I rarely understand until I watch and watch and game and rewatch the film all over again, and realize that I just never got bored... I just never lose the feeling that I got from the time I watched it the film, no matter how old and jaded I get...

And I'm hoping that Shrek 2 will be the same, in that retrospect at least. Afterall, it was a great film - flawed, but great... and here's hoping that two years down the road, it'll be even a greater film in my eyes... and in those adorable eyes-wide-shut of poor Puss'n'Boots too...

... awh... I wanna keep him!... and I probably will... because I'll definitely still buy this movie in the future, despite my initial apprehensions...

[c. visitors too bored to return...]
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