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Y2kk Update: - Namco's Baten Kaitos: Eternal Wings and the Lost Ocean Nintendo Gamecube Review (Spoilers...) -

Now, for some damn reason, I've always had this sort of gullible weakness of an affinity for any sort of Japanese RPG...

... but even though it's been sitting in my collection for quite some time now? I just never had the urge to pick up Baten Kaitos and finally pop it into my Gamecube...

One, stupidly enough, was the name... because the name of Baten Kaitos is just so stupid sounding, that it actually is kinda funny...

I'm a Maverick really, rebelling against goddam card games of any form of geeky nature...

I've never been into Magic. And I've never gotten into any other type of Western card game crap when I was growing up either...

So how the hell could I have ever predicted, that I would enjoy Baten Kaitos so damn much in the goddam end?...

I mean, a card RPG... a card RPG?... an RPG where you don't have definitive attack, defense, and magic options?...

Instead, you're given a pack of cards. You can select which cards you want to bring into battle with you, whether they be offensive, defensive, healing, or just plain magical... But during battle, card selection is random. The hand you hold is completely different from the order of cards in your deck... And once you use up every card in the deck? The game reshuffles everything, and the dice are rolled yet again...

I put 56 hours into this game. Fifty-six fucking hours of my life into an RPG...

That's not to say that I loved Baten Kaitos, as strange as that sounds... The game definitely had its fair share of countless flaws, most of them unforgivable (which explains my score), which I'll get into a little later on...

But nonetheless, I just love my Japanese RPGs, for some damn reason... especially those made by Namco...

Baten Kaitos was the second and perhaps last RPG that Namco will ever release for the Nintendo Gamecube...

First, I'll get the combat flaws out of the way... because there was a hell of a lot of them...

WTF is up with the difficulty in this game? Baten Kaitos was perhaps the hardest RPG I've played in years, battle wise at least. I can't even begin to recall how many times I died in this game... The first time was from that spider thing near the start though. I remember that at least... I also remember thinking that Guocomo (or whatever his name was) on the ship was one of those invincible bosses you can't beat or something. Until after he finally beat my ass down, and the game actually told me fucking game over... WTF?...

It wasn't just that battles were extremely damn hard in Baten Kaitos, but that they took so damn long to finish in the end as well... Thanks to the random nature of the deck shuffles and everything, I would be stuck with a completely defensive hand for about three or four turns in a row sometimes. I wouldn't be able to attack the enemy whatsoever, all because I had no damn offensive cards to use... And thanks to this? Battles raged on for so damn long, that I literally just left my controller lying on the floor, bored as hell because there was nothing I could really do while the enemy was attacking... I remember getting so damn pissed after losing that first battle with Guocomo, Ayme, and that other guy, all at once. And why?... because I had spent a goddam half an hour on that one battle alone, only to be goddam killed because the damn dice didn't roll my way... WTF?...

Uggh... this was the hardest RPG I've played in years, bar none... Sure, I remember having to level up at times in Tales of Symphonia, since some bosses there were a challenge. But Baten Kaitos was the first RPG in a very long time, where I would level up ten levels or something on the side, just to make sure that I was at the damn boss' experience level when I finally end up meeting them... And yet I still managed to lose a ton of battles! Fatass Geldoblame kicked my ass with his damn instant kill move. And I don't even want to begin on Fedroh, or whatever that asshole's name was... I got my ass kicked so damn badly by him, that I left and leveled up experience for four damn hours, just to get ready to face him again... and yet he still managed to kick my ass the second time around... WTF?...

With that said though, battles in Baten Kaitos were surprisingly refreshing. And refreshingly rewarding, actually... Yes, sometimes lady luck doesn't favour me, and I end up with horrible hands with no offensive cards whatsoever. But there were also those times, where fortune favours the bold, and I end up pulling off 9-hit combos, searing off as much as 3000HP from an enemy thanks to all the poker combinations of straights and pairs... Now, I wish that Namco had implemented some real poker shit, like straight flushes or even straights that didn't have to go numerically in order. But even with just the simple pairs and triples and straights that they've included in Baten Kaitos, it's amazing what kind of extra strategy is brought forth into the game, by just the little numbers on the tops of the cards you play...

And for the most part, I just loved the art direction and enemy designs in Baten Kaitos. A ton of the bosses were cool as hell to battle against, as Geldoblame looked like a giant jello monster, and Fedroh ended up looking like everyone's favourite Cyclops... A ton of the regular enemies had stunning designs, the kinds of which you'll never be able to find in a Western RPG, even to this day. I mean, take the giant boars or brutes or whatever in the Cor Hydrae area for example, as their fire breathing designs are simply too kickass to possibly ignore...

Sure, I got bored of constantly watching the same damn magical animations play out in every battle, making bosses last more than half a goddam hour at times. But there's no denying that Baten Kaitos is an absolutely beautiful game, perhaps even more stunning than Namco's own Tales of Symphonia at times... The magical effects are sharp and crisp and bright and beautiful, the kind of which that puts almost every RPG on the PS2 to shame. And the backgrounds, while admittingly static, are just jaw-dropping to witness whenever there's a waterfall or a lush garden ripe for the pickings of that apple in your eye... Yeah, I admit that most of the overworld characters weren't designed very well on screen, and their animations are no more fluid than they would be on the SNES. But some characters didn't turn out so bad (Kalas and Melodia, for example), especially when they're soaring high on wings in 3D battle sequences...

Now, sound is a bit iffy... On the one hand, we had the most horrible voice acting I've heard in years. I mean, this is the kind of shit you'd expect from a bad Playstation game, really... Every voice sounded tinny, as if the game was still too large for a 2-disc Gamecube DVD set. And even worse yet, none of the voices really adhered to their roles... Kalas sounded bored and constipated most of the time. And Xelha was oddly both a dumb blonde bombshell, and a fucking bitch with a man's voice for good measure... Gibari had some of the worst scripted "cocky man" lines I have ever heard in an RPG. Lyude offered nothing special, except grating my ears with his "I don't deserve love" speech on the ghost ship. And Savyna had somehow even more of a man's voice than Xelha did (although this time, I suppose it was intentional)...

But Melodia was alright though. She was kinda sexy actually, with her completely whacked out taunting and maniacal laughs, followed by hot and horny disappointment and despair all the time. But that's besides the point... And the Great Mizuti? Well, at least she had some good script writing, and a voice that matched the mask. But two out of seven main characters, ain't exactly considered a success story...

What is a success story however, is the music. I was absolutely shocked by Baten Kaitos, as it has possibly one of the best overall soundtracks that I've ever experienced this entire generation of gaming... The battle music is campy and cheesy, but gets in your head after a while. Boss battles may not sound epic, but they worked the charm when it came to pumping me up for a long fight... And obviously, the main Baten Kaitos theme was just so orchestratingly wonderful, that it still sends a few chills down my spine. Sure, the tune was pretty much copied by Jade Empire later on, so the originality of it did feel a bit compromised, but...

If anything? Baten Kaitos just had that same kind of brilliant Asian charm, that the Shenmue series managed with its music. And considering I still hum the Shenmue theme song to this very day?... then yeah, well...

Short story short, every Japanese RPG is really just a mixture of three damn things...

... massive spoilers... for those actually willing to give Baten Kaitos a fighting chance...

The thing is, I knew a plot twist was coming. I saw it a mile ahead in Tales of Symphonia, and I thought I saw it coming here...

I mean, I knew Melodia would turn on me. That creepy, bitch of a voice during the narratives just sounded so much like hers, that it couldn't have just been a Metal Gear Solid coincidence...

But Kalas turning out to be the main enemy? My damn main character turning on me?... No, I didn't see that one coming. Otherwise, I wouldn't have overloaded him with all my good armour and equipment at the time of the goddam betrayal... goddammit...

I must say that up to that point, the plotline to the story was rather conventional for a Japanese RPG. But it was done extremely well, all things considered, even compared to the generic standards...

Kalas and his guardian spirit brought a sense of closeness to the character, that wouldn't have been possible if there weren't any chances to talk with the guy. Of course, none of the choices we got to make mattered in the end, but it still felt like a decent gesture nonetheless...

Now, his story at the beginning was simple and straight-forward, Shenmue-style, as all he seemed to want was revenge for his father's murder. But then we learned that he was a pawn of Melpercio, tricked into wanting power and freeing the ancient God from imprisonment. That part was cool... But after that? Uggh... we got shit about him being the chosen one, born from nothing but Magnus. We learned that he has his brother, the divine child, up his ass somewhere... And fucknabbit, he chose Xelha in the end? Goddammit, Melodia was always much hotter than that other bitch will ever be...

I hated Xelha. I hated, I hated, I fucking hated that bitch... Not only did her high pitched, whiny man's voice grate on the nerves. But the damn blonde never really contributed to the story either... So what if she was the Ice Queen of Wazn? Besides getting me the white dragon to ride on, all she did was pout that Kalas was evil, and refuse to kill the son of a bitch when she had the chance with the Ocean's Mirror... And then at the end of the game, amidst a completely pointless battle when Geldoblame returned, we learned that she's the lost ocean. And then she suicides herself like any good Japanese would... And then she just comes back from the ocean, from a fucking seashell? WTF?...

At least Melodia had a cute voice... So what if she had died before, and was brought back to life as a sexy, horny zombie follower of Melpercio or whatever? So what if she was utterly clueless most of the time, just laughing it up as I kept whooping Melpercio's ass over and over again without taking a hit?... The thing is, I'd hit it. Melodia and not Melpercio, I mean... She had that kind of baby, butter face that just screams out that she's a screamer. And she did scream a lot in this game... my only complaint with her storyline of pure evil, was that she wasn't pure evil. I mean, after giving up her soul to Melpercio to fully revitalize the god? Then she became a baby bitch in his womb, and eventually came back out with blue hair and a holy soul? WTF?... I was looking so damn forward throughout the game, of either fucking her in battle, or fucking her in bed. And then I didn't get the chance at either? WTF?...

Rounding out the rest of the cast... Gibari's rivalry with that other guy was a joke. Their fishing together was just lame, thanks to the complete ineptness of the script writing in that scene... Lyude was decent, remaining mostly quiet about his inner workings, until his goddam awful "love" speech on the goddam Ghost ship. I wish I had never gone there, and fucking burst a blood vessel from all the bad writing...

Savyna had one good moment: when she turned on the team, yet didn't really turn on the team. I had fun kicking her ass then, but that was about her only moment to shine... And the Great Mizuti? Eh, her voice was appropriate for a girl behind the mask, but all her lines were definitely not. Every single damn time Kalas or somebody made a comment about teamwork, the rest of the entire damn team would chime in a damn line. Especially Mizuti... wasting hours upon hours of gameplay clock ticking, thanks to just pressing the damn A button to continue goddam reading...

Right up to the Geldoblame battle in the volcano, the plotline wasn't bad. We had met a new character each step of the way, and the storyline was rather simple... Sure, I admit that it was hurting my brain like hell, to watch the damn team be stupid enough to collect all the End Magnuses for the enemy, and then tie it all in one neat little package for them. I mean seriously, have they never played an RPG before?... But then I was pleasantly surprised at the plot twist, as to why Kalas seemed to be doing all the enemy's work for them...

... but then that's when the storyline really became schizophrenically convoluted...

First, why on earth did each member of the team act as a lock to open up the gates for Melpercio? And why the hell did Kalas have to go back to the light side of the force, fucking falling in love with Xelha of all bitches?... Then that whole divine child thing came up, absolutely ruining Kalas' origins thanks to all the Matrix-like bullshit. And of course, then we got a running storyline of all the nations working together to break the shield around Cor Hydrae. Followed by some CG or whatever sequence, that took up an entire damn hour of my time...

Melodia wasn't a bad villain, but Melpercio was just damn embarrassing. I mean, how many damn times did I beat the motherfucker until Melodia finally wised up?... Ironically, for such a hard game, I never lost against Melpercio once. Not even in the final battle (although he was just about to kill one of my three characters before I kicked his ass...)... The storyline of the five gods wasn't bad, simply because I loved the art design and the musical soundtrack when it came to those shadows... But seriously, how the hell were we ever supposed to take them and Melpercio as a threat, when all he did was just stand there, laugh out "MWAHAHA", and get his ass kicked three damn times in a row?...

... end massive spoilers... not that anyone will ever play this game, mind you... if the NPD sales data shows anything, that is...

The plot in Baten Kaitos suffered a hell of a lot, mainly from bad dialogue, horrible voice acting, and a script that wouldn't make it past a high school Engrish teacher... I suppose that translation errors were also rampant, as Namco just didn't really give a damn about bringing Baten Kaitos over to North America... especially after such lacklustre Japanese sales and whatnot...

The game definitely had its fair share of flaws, even by RPG standards. I mean, boss battles took forever. And I felt fucked as hell whenever the cards in my hand didn't turn out in my favour... And WTF was with all the backtracking? Take the time right after the big betrayal for example, as I had to literally face a ton of old areas all over again with Xelha alone, wasting hours of my time fighting bad guys in goddam Celestial Trees, that no longer gave any goddam meaningful experience whatsoever...

But then I also remember such breath-taking sights as the Celestial Tree, the Cor Hyrae fortress, or even the damn ducks all sprawling across the innocent town of Celebrai or whatever... The thing is, Baten Kaitos was beautiful, in so many damn ways...

I never really gave the game a chance... It was a card game afterall. A motherfucking card game... How good could it possibly be?...

Tales of Symphonia still manages to outshine it. But still, there's really no godly shadow of a doubt...

... that even though there ain't much competition on the system to gauge it by?... still...

... and ranks right up there with the best RPGs I've ever played this entire generation of gaming, on any system really...

It's a shame Baten will never really turn into a successful series. It's a shame we may never get a true sequel on a Nintendo system either...

Sure, I will readily admit that Baten Kaitos: Eternal Wings and the Lost Ocean may have had a ton of glaring flaws...

... but still, it's just that?... if only more Mavericks and gamers like me had just given it a fighting chance?...

Throughout the entire history of arcades, there has been only one that I've ever completed...

... of course, that has more to do with the fact that I was at Playdium for a birthday... with an unlimited play card for two hours... and really, considering it was the golden age of arcades back then? The only damn arcade that I could get my hands on, was of course goddam Area 51...

Playdium is now a ghost town. Nobody will touch any of the arcades there with a ten foot pole, as the last of the arcades in North America are finally on their final breaths... dying from disease, War of the Worlds style, indeed...

And as for Area 51? It turned from an amazing light gun shooter... into just a generic first person shooter...

... and I kinda miss the golden age of arcade gaming... considering not everything was a fps back in those days...

Area 51 is a solid first person shooter though, and definitely one of the better ones on the Xbox... Sure, it can't hope to compete against the likes of the Halo series, or even the more realistic ones like the Rainbow Six series. But it's not like Midway didn't build a game that didn't hold its own...

Graphical wise, I was let down, definitely... The enemy designs aren't bad, but they're generic. Everything about the art direction in this game just screams out "B-rated movie" to me, although I am a fan of B-rated movies myself... It sucks that there ain't a huge variety of enemies. The mutated leapers look like frogs at best, and the evil gun-totting henchmen just don't have the animation to compare with the Combine...

And from what I recall, the backgrounds are nothing special to be awed by either. Every single area is either just a Half Life facility redone, or an Aliens rip-off with no real life to it whatsoever... Add in the fact that not only does the game look drag in colour and lacking AA definition on my projection screen, but the game barely seems to be able to manage even a stable 30 fps most of the time. Some scenes even dipped down to the 10 fps mark of Perfect Dark, it seemed...

Sound wise, I can't really complain. Everything is rather crisp and clear. It's just that, the sound mix wasn't anything special, or anything you haven't heard before in an aliens-type shoot 'em up... The music was absolutely meaningless as well. I don't remember a single tune in the game, as either it blended perfectly in the background, or it really was just that damn non-memorable...

The voice acting was done reasonably well however. For every character but your own... Hiring David Duchovny has just got to be the absolute worst casting choice ever in a first person game. As really, considering I imagine Midway didn't intend to bore us all to sleep, what the fuck were they thinking?... Let me get this straight. David Duchovny plays a character that is morphing into an insane alien mutate, filled with uncontrollable rage and madness. And yet the guy still sounds like he's bored to death at a bridal shower or something, recanting poetry about Edgar Allen Poe and his shit poems of madness? WTF?...

The controls in this game were adequate. The L and R triggers do their jobs, providing primary and secondary weapons and other shit pretty decently. And reloading is never a problem for me, as it all flows pretty much as smoothly as it does in Halo... The X and Y sensitivity still isn't up to the godly standards that Bungie has put forth. But at least all the dual shock aiming feels a lot more natural in Area 51 than it feels in most Halo clones these days... And if anything is truly wrong with the controls? It's the B button being used for grenades (it just doesn't feel right somehow), and it's the menu system, as something just feels so unintuitive of how you scroll through your choices and stuff...

The plotline is just a standard, geek B-movie story, which I suppose is decent enough for me. You had a good scientist, an evil scientist, tentacle rape porn, a world wide conspiracy by the US government, and the secret Illuminati. And you had little naked Roswell Grays running around with their own main motives in mind... I guess the initial intrigue was decent in Area 51, until things start getting unraveled, and you realize how shit the narrative by David fucking Duchovny really is... The one touch that I did really enjoy about the story however, was all the secret documents you get to scan and unlock throughout the game. Reading up on stuff like the map of ancient Atlantis, helped make Area 51 feel like a nice, antiquated collection of internet works really. It was all fluff, but rather entertaining fluff for a time...

And the mechanics of the game weren't so bad. All that really matters in a FPS are the controls and the guns, and I already mentioned that the Xbox S Controller works pretty damn well with Area 51... As for the weapons, I can't say I'm disappointed with what we got. Most of the game is spent with the automatic and the shotgun, and both of those guns are decent enough for what they're worth... The automatic is a bit too weak, as it takes too many damn bullets to take a mutated enemy out, and the scope on it is essentially useless. Meanwhile, the shotgun has absolutely no range whatsoever. And it bugs me to hell that it takes so long to reload...

Nevertheless, both weapons have a good kick on the controller, and both weapons don't have such a bad feel. If there is anything to really complain about here, it's the shitty ass implementation of dual wielding... I hate the fact that you can't reload your weapons while dual wielding, as it leaves me completely vulnerable with no ammo left once I'm forced to drop an empty gun. And the fact that I can't (or don't know how to) drop one of the two damn guns I'm wielding by will, always annoys me to hell whenever there's countless enemies rushing towards me, and I know that one of my guns is going to empty its clip and suddenly drop on me out of nowhere, right when I need it the most, of course...

Now, if this review sounds War of the Worlds mechanical and completely monotonous to you? If I'm starting to sound like an X-Files reject of a fugitive, then let me make two things clear...

... and 2), mechanical and monotonous are exactly how I'd describe Area 51 in the end...

... so I suppose David Duchovny really was a perfect casting choice for the role of insanely bored gamer #1...

I mean, Area 51 doesn't do anything wrong, per say. It has average graphics, average sound, average controls, average enemies, and average weapons... The AI is dumb, but not completely moronic compared to some first person shooters. And the plot may not be compelling, but at least it ain't completely schizophrenic like some Hollywood writers prefer to pull out of their asses these days...

But what good is a completely average game, when the fun factor is completely average as well?...

The entire game consisted of shooting endless hordes of enemies, that really never stopped coming. I would sit in one place for seemingly 10 minutes at a time, just mindlessly shooting straight at all the rushing mutates, until I ran out of ammo and took their clips to refill... Later on in the game, I never changed into a mutate to take on my foes. I just did the same thing as before, standing in one damn place and mindlessly shooting as endless hordes of Illuminati decided to just stand there and shoot right back...

Now, the mindless shooting wasn't bad. It's just that, there was no Halo strategizing involved. And there just wasn't any real decent gimmick to the action, to make it stand apart from all the other first person shooters out there. As the berserk mode and the crappy grenades in the game just didn't feel anything but average... I enjoyed having a team at the start though. As having invincible, disposable guys that you don't need to take care of, brought back the good ol' memories of Sarge back in the original Halo. I mean, I've never really liked squad games, but I do love having men alongside to fight with, just for shits and giggles... But then all my teammates died? And I was alone? And bored? And stuck with David Duchovny? WTF?... What kind of shitty ass gaming decision by Midway was that?...

Area 51, the arcade, was absolutely the best damn light gun game ever made since the original Duck Hunt... or at least Terminator 2...

It's an average game with an average fun factor, for the average Joe I'm sure, but it just doesn't stand out in any given way...

Area 51 does nothing wrong... it just doesn't do anything really right, either...

I had fun shooting the first thousand mad scientists that crossed my path... didn't really feel the same about the next two thousand...

There was just nothing memorable about the game... There was no giant enema. There was no great spoon...

And it all just dragged on in the end... as David Duchovny just wouldn't shut the hell up...

Still, Area 51 is better than a lot of first person shooters on the Xbox. And considering there aren't really many great FPS out there on the system, except for Halo, I'd actually kind of admit that Area 51 is near the top of the recommendations list...

But it ain't no Halo... the complete lack of co-op or a decent flashlight made sure of that...

... as Area 51, the arcade, was one of the funnest damn games I have ever played in the arcades in my life...

... and sure, I shouldn't and didn't expect anything along the lines of Goldeneye, but...

Now, I admit that I didn't see much of the original series. In my youth, I had a much greater affinity for such classic shows as I Dream of Jeannie, and Mork and Mindy...

The thing is, even as a guy, I just somehow have a thing for romantic comedies... and When Harry Met Sally, Sleepless in Seattle, and You've Got Mail are all up there as some of the rare movies that I can watch time and time again, and somehow never really get bored... even if the former two really did suck ass, in my noname professional opinion at least...

Those three are basically all of the decent films that Nora Ephron has ever done. Everything else she ever conjured from her mind, has fallen flat on its face from space, like a faded broomstick completely devoid of magic... and, well...

I expected perhaps a bit of magic from Bewitched... Nora was due for another success story in her roller-coaster of a career, afterall...

With valleys and peaks and troughs, and no plateaus... sort of like how a romantic comedy is supposed to swing...

But Bewitched just felt bland, flat, and goddam cursed with a bunch of bad montage moments of old school Nora Ephron, really... We had overused romantic cliches, like Will Farrell and Nicole Kidman watching the same show at the same time at different places (done in Sleepless in Seattle, I'd imagine?). And hell, Nora even got Heather Burns back on board as Nina, as the actress really hasn't had anything to do after her small role in You've Got Mail... And where the fuck was my orgasm scene? If they weren't gonna fake it like they did in When Harry Met Sally, then at least show me a real one on the goddam screen...

The thing is, Nora Ephron's movies in the past defined the genre of the "romantic comedy". Hell, I think she even started the genre, really...

But Bewitched is neither romantic, nor a comedy. It's just sort of... a bad nostalgic trip back to the Bewitched show of the past, really...

... and most of the reason why this film sucked, just had to be from the casting...

Will Farrell was just plain wrong to play Jack Wyatt. I still snickered at a few of his jokes, but nothing he did could've saved this film from what it became... The thing is, ironically, he was the Jack Wyatt of the film. I mean, he was the one who stole every single scene, and not in the way the movie should've went... Farrell was his usual self, over the top with the gags and the funny walks and all. But his mannerisms just don't suit the mood of a romantic comedy, you know? He couldn't play the serious card, and he just didn't seem like he really cared about Isabel whatsoever. It just looked like Will Farrell wanted to be in this film, so he could act like a jackass and hopefully get a few laughs out of it all...

Will Farrell, for the second movie in a row, played a hardass asshole. He was tough on everyone, yelling and screaming that he wanted an unknown actress, simply so he wouldn't be overshadowed... The thing is though, Farrell just can't play a hardass. He was much better in this film when he was playing a softie. Probably the only scenes that I did enjoy, were the ones when he was under a hex and absolutely high on life and magic weed. And probably the only reason I did enjoy those scenes, was because it looked like Will Farrell was enjoying himself as well...

He just didn't seem into this movie at all for the most part. His main love in life is improv, and improv just doesn't suit a romantic comedy very well. All his usual blathering jokes, including his improv ones while spellbound at the television dinner table, just took me out of the sense that I was watching a romantic comedy. And not for the better...

But as for Nicole Kidman?... I give her a 99%... and not just for those damn fine legs of hers...

She was strangely and ironically enough, perfect for the Bewitched role. I mean, I guess The Stepford Wives helped her learn how to act like a complete blonde bimbo or something, since she was absolutely perfect with the fluttery walk and the sweet, naive voice... She looked pretty nice too, always wearing cute little skirts. And her nose was strangely enough perfect for the role, as the dainty little thing did twitch like a twilight princess... And hell, for all we know, maybe Nicole Kidman is a witch in real life? How the hell else can you explain Tom Cruise's weird ass behaviour lately, if a hex wasn't cast on him by his ex?...

Now that would be something magical, now wouldn't it be? Nicole Kidman, a witch who pretends to be normal, acts in a movie as a witch who also pretends to be normal, but who also plays a witch on television that also wants to be normal...

She just had no chemistry with Will Farrell whatsoever... Sure, I liked all her little cute outbursts. Stampeding out of the television set after telling Jack off was decent. And I think I did sadistically laugh when she crushed Wyatt's ex-wife with a light fixture from up above... But all those scenes were cute, because Nicole Kidman was cute by herself with her twitching nose there. Will Farrell didn't contribute to those moments really at all... She never once seemed to really care for Will Farrell when they kissed. And her crossed-eyed, lakeside, acting lesson from Die Hard Mustafa, just felt embarrassing somehow for both actors... It was like the two actors played their roles in the film, as two television co-workers (or "co-people") who were married on the small screen, but didn't give a real damn about each other off the set... ironic, really...

Nicole and Farrell each stole the show by themselves, but a romantic comedy sort of requires a dance and a duet, you know...

I did admire how Nicole Kidman played the role of the bimbo so well though. If there's really one thing to compliment, it was just how clueless she was with our society... The reaction on her face when she learned of what a dick was? Or her utterly stumped nature when it came to the entertainment center?... I dunno, but even her audition was pretty touching. That "improv" moment didn't feel nearly as forced most of the scenes did up to that point. And I suppose the dramatic irony there kinda worked, when you consider how clueless the producers were laughing it up in the background...

But neither she or Will Farrell could play the role of the depressed drunkard sucking up Cool Whip to any form of delightful decency... The cameo of Brick from Conan the Barbarian was just uncalled for. He was barely funny in Anchorman, and he was just a pompous ass in this film...

And if there was no real trough for the characters, and no real fit of depression? If I wasn't convinced by Nicole Kidman, surfing the channels through each and every one of Jack Wyatt's bad Nora Ephron films from the past? Then how the hell could I care about the conclusion to this one?... I just didn't care that the two got together in the end. They had absolutely no chemistry, and they just didn't seem to give a damn about each other in the film at all. Will Farrell still felt like the Anchorman of the movie, refusing the share the spotlight with his Anchor-lady...

The rest of the casting was off as well... Shirley MacLaine was decent as the witch hidden behind the sets, but she had no chemistry with Michael Caine. Michael Caine on the other hand, had some decent grocery shopping moments, thanks to the magic of CG graphics. But his performance was so subdued in Bewitched, that I couldn't help but feel disappointed after his startling comic relief back in Batman Begins...

Sadly enough, the actual irony of the film was great... as if Nora Ephron put a little too much truth into her Bewitched remake and all...

I mean, Will Farrell complaining about his dead career and a horrible last movie?...

Kinda feels weird... to be making fun of terrible movies, when you're goddam making one...

As far as I'm concerned, Bewitched was nothing more than Will Farrell, trying to steal the spotlight from Nicole Kidman by playing Jack Wyatt, an actor trying to steal the spotlight from Isabel Bigelow... and Nicole Kidman, trying to steal the spotlight back from Will Farrell by playing Isabel Bigelow, a witch trying to steal the spotlight back from Jack Wyatt...

At least, I did enjoy Nicole Kidman for her picture perfect performance as the new Samantha. And Will Farrell was funny in spurts, whenever he got to break free of the "romantic" aspect of the genre, and beat the bitch of a witch to death with an ugly stick of a branch... but I digress...

... afterall, I do admit that this film was amusing... it just wasn't romantic or funny or anything like that, that's all...

Though Mr. and Mrs. Smith was a decently fun movie to watch. I'll give it that...

The whole prospect of having your suburban life turned upside down, by having much more in common with your spouse than you think, is always quite the dream that I tend to have...

... though I suppose getting a spouse or a girl would have to come first for that...

Either way, I can't say I was really disappointed in this movie. I mean, what was there really to be disappointed with?

I got a bunch of decent action sequences. With Angelina Jolie sporting a shotgun in the house, and Brad Pitt playing Poker to prove he played the game before it became "cool" on TV (sad thing is... somebody bragged about that to me the other day... wanker...)...

If there is any single fight scene that truly satisfied in Mr. and Mrs. Smith? It was definitely the minivan chase...

Yes, you heard me right. There was a bloody hell minivan chase, and it was fun... Sure, it mainly consisted of just generic Mercedes Benz's coming up the rear. And yes, it was just a bunch of mindless explosions and Bad Boys II-like shooting, not that I didn't mind that movie, mind you... But damn, who didn't get a chuckle from Brad Pitt, realizing how those sliding doors came in handy? Who doesn't get a kick from popping open the back door of the van, to pop a cap in somebody's ass on the freeway?...

And yes, for a brainless summer blockbuster flick, I didn't mind the script as well. It was kind of witty, actually... I can't say I laughed at any jokes. But I was never really dulled or bored along the way... I mean, take the minivan chase for example. While shit was blowing up all around them, Angelina Jolie was being just a common housewife bitch, complaining about how Brad Pitt was too lazy to ever impress the in-laws. Of course, it didn't matter to her that her parents were really actors that her company had bought off some stage, but hey... still, the banter between the suburbia couple was rather clever and amusing, for the second half of the film at least...

The first half of the film was just dreadfully slow though. We were supposed to get our shits and giggles from the sheer irony, of the dullest married couple in the world actually being the most badass of corporate agents at the office... Of course, it didn't help things out though, that even for pretty much the entire film (including the second half, which was entertaining for the most part...), both Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were pretty much as dull as they can get... whether they meant to be or not...

Brad Pitt just had awful delivery on every single one of his lines. He wasn't cocky like he was in Fight Club, so his weird sort of muffled accent just didn't work in this film... If there was anything that I did like about his character though? It was that he was pussy whipped... He never once took the initiative against his wife. He always let her pull the trigger, or aim the damn gun at his head... Whatever she wanted, she could have. Both in marriage, and in battle... and hey, in my honest opinion at least? That's what women want. Total supremacy over their man...

... and it must've worked in this film, both on and off the stage, if Mr. Smith could get that fine ass to a perfect 10 in the end...

Angelina Jolie was utterly stale in this film however. She just did nothing for me. And playing a stone cold bitch who follows the rulebook by the letter, definitely didn't help things out for me either... Yeah, some of her banter lines were crafty and witty. The dinner by 7 thing was amusing for a time, considering she never even lifted a finger to cook (yet was pissed off as hell, like any bitchy wife would be, whenever Pitt didn't show at the table). And those curtains were hideous, yet she still kept swearing by them the whole nine yards... But for the most part? All she did in this film, was bitch at her husband, pass the salt, and then blow up a bunch of shit...

That's good enough for a summer blockbuster, but not exactly enough for my fair share of the summer... if you know what I mean...

I'm probably just bitter that for a movie all about female assassins and everything, there was no damn hot women in the film. Sure, Angelina Jolie may have a hot ass to pretty much any male pair of eyes and testicles on the goddam planet. But I've personally always been a Jennifer Aniston sort of girl myself... And I guess it figures then. The only girl in the entire film that did turn me on, was Jennifer Morrison's short cameo as a hot bitch lesbian genius with glasses. Sadly, she in this film was all I'd ever want from a woman... I'd sure like her to pussy whip me with her set of four eyes and four lips down below...

Getting back to Jennifer Aniston however, I see that she decided to get back at her ex by now sexing up his co-star from Mr. and Mrs. Smith... While I wish I was referring to Jennifer Morrison or Angelina Jolie in this regard, I still gotta give props to Vince Vaughn for putting a bit of variety into the overall stale flow of the film...

He had some funny lines. Refusing to get out of bed for a routine mercenary kill, or warning his mother upstairs of high alert... Still, he just seemed completely out of place this film. He didn't seem like he had any chemistry with Brad Pitt as a friend, or Angelina Jolie as the best friend of the husband or whatever... His comedy was just a bit too slapstickish compared to the stiff utter lip shared by both Mr. and Mrs. Smith... And in the end? Vince barely really contributed a thing, as I only remember him in two or three key scenes in the film... though at least he's now contributing through the news, getting Jennifer Aniston to expose that bare bottom of hers and all...

Now, I'd probably give Mr. and Mrs. Smith two thumbs up, simply due to the fact that the script did make me laugh. And simply from the fact that I love stuff blowing up, especially in the minivans that I'm forced to drive day and night...

Mr. and Mrs. Smith get into an elevator, and then go on a shooting spree against a bunch of generic Mr. Smiths from the Matrix or something? And then after avoiding a couple of bazooka shots and killing everything in sight, then they go back to their marriage counselor... and what? Talk about sex? WTF?...

Where is the resolution? Sure, I understand that the action in the film was just a summer blockbuster backdrop for suburban marital problems or whatever. But still, WTF?... They just kill a bunch of generic assassins, without doing anything to Father or anyone who mattered whatsoever, to get the bounty lifted off their heads. And then they just have a ton of sex in the end? WTF?... While sure, that may be my fantasy too (if they replaced Angelina Jolie with Jennifer Aniston, Brad Pitt with Jennifer Morrison, and their pot roast with my penis...), it just makes no fucking sense in the end... unless they're just setting up Mr. and Mrs. Smith Part Deux...

Of course, we are talking about a film here, where the married couple doesn't ever notice huge stockpiles of guns everywhere in their house for the past four or five fucking years or whatever. And a film where Seth Fucking Cohen gets away with wearing a goddam Fight Club shirt (as if he deserves to do so... fucking OC dipshit...)... so I think I'll let the complete lack of an ending slide, just this once...

The film was fun, granted, and entertaining for its latter hour for the most part...

It had witty dialogue, some cool action scenes, and a couple of sex scenes that would've turned me on if the girls had just worn goddam glasses...

Okay, I admit it... I'm one of those select few, rare people who somehow didn't really like the original Batman movie...

... and okay, I admit it too. I was also somehow one of those select few, rare bastards, who preferred Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and the X-men cartoons at the time, over Batman: The Animated Series...

But I will admit one thing though... out of almost all movies from the 1980's, the first Batman film is one of those select few, rare, precious films that still stand tall and proud to this very day...

... and while TMNT and X-men are both cheesy, outdated messes now in this day and age, the Batman Animated Series still truly manages to stand the tests of time...

I may not be the biggest Batman fanatic out there. But there is one more thing I've just got to admit...

I caught a late-night showing of Batman Begins in a Scarborough theatre in Toronto. I saw it with my cousins and all, and because of that? My viewing angle for the film wasn't as favourable as I had hoped it would be...

Let's face facts - I probably would've enjoyed Batman Begins a hell of a lot more, if only I wasn't forced to sit on the far left side of one of the goddam front row seats... The picture was panoramically and pornographically fucked up for me, thanks to the fishbowl effect from that angle. Colours were faded, voices were muted, and one asshole behind me kept kicking my goddam seat... and my fucking neck was killing me by the time it was all said and done...

And yet despite it all?... Batman Begins still managed to rise to the occasion...

Some are already calling Batman Begins as the best damn comic book movie of all time.

Now, I wouldn't go quite that far... but it's painfully obvious just how much this film was a labour of love, and not a labour of... well? Labour...

Christian Bale was pretty much the perfect Bruce Wayne... although he did suffer a few hiccups and bruises along the way...

I couldn't stand the broody, filthy version of Bruce he played at the beginning. Not only did the quick, jarring cuts in the prison fight hurt my goddam eyes, but I couldn't help but keep picturing goddam, fire-breathing dragons in the background as Bale climbed the hilltops with his beard on straight...

But Bale still managed to nail the role, probably better than any actor before has been able to nail Bruce Wayne... His Jedi anger during training was amazing to watch, as his aggressiveness was a startling contrast to the cocky Batman fighting we're so prone to seeing... And while I didn't particularly love the scene myself, much later on when Bruce Wayne was being his ol' playboy self with the hotel swimming lounge and all? You could visibly see the teen angst still in his eyes, as he was basically faking an orgasm of pleasure and richness for the world to witness... You could somehow literally see the two sides, or two faces of Bruce Wayne in that very moment. With one half of him pissed off that he had to fake a smile for the cameras, and the other half seemingly and almost honestly making fun of the psycho in a mask...

This was the Bruce Wayne of the true comics, and the true Animated Series. The cocky, arrogant, chauvanistic playboy, who knows he has to put up with the pain of being a fake and a phony, to protect the ones he cares about behind the mask... Christian Bale absolutely nailed his performance as a young Bruce Wayne coming out of Princeton. The look in his eyes whenever he held that gun in his hands, and the gaze in his furrow when he saw his parents' killer, dead in a heap on the ground, but not by his own hand?... It was an amazing scene, and an amazing performance on Bale's behalf there. Not only did he stunningly look the part, with the 1950's style wussy hair cut and all, but he played the part of the man filled with both remorse and lost vengeance to an absolutely perfect, bitter pill of a letter...

... and yeah, I got a kick out of Katie Holmes, slapping him twice and being the bitch that she is... but that's besides the point...

Katie Holmes was the one truly terrible thing about the film, however. I mean seriously, they should just hire George Lucas to replace her with a CG version of Yoda. Or a less wooden version of Padme Amidala, as I sure as hell wouldn't complain... Katie had absolutely no chemistry whatsoever with Bale. Not only did she look too young for him, and not only did she completely not have the air of dignity you'd expect from an honest lawyer or anything. But I just can't fucking believe how much her role as the damsel in distress was wasted... It sickens my heart that she was able to kick the ass of Scarecrow with just her little taser. And then after that, gave me a fright by almost directly copying Kirsten Dunst's Spiderman performances, when she confronted Bale about the mask he wears...

I mean seriously, where were the hot girls in this movie? Were they anywhere?... I don't remember a single one...

... but the strange thing is, Batman Begins didn't really need the ladies... if anything, hot bitch eye candy would've detracted from the overall mood and amazing atmosphere of the movie...

The theme of the film was fear. Plain and simple... and Batman Begins brought it all to the big screen with absolute, poetic justice...

This was one dark, sinistre of a movie. And absolutely broody, moody and artistic in every single conceivable way... There were just so many memorable moments, that it's hard to pinpoint even a favourite single scene amongst them all...

This was the film that explained the origins of the Batman we all know, love, and fear...

... a brilliant concept, to reset a series that had lost itself in pure, ridiculous, and almost frighteningly retarded shit over the years...

First, the movie took way too long to get past the Shaolin Soccer Monk shit in the mountains. I was honestly bored to tears of just listening to all the Buddhist and amoral rhetoric uttered in those scenes... And the final fight that we got out of it all? Not only was it disappointing to see Mr. Last Samurai get suicided again by yet another one of Katie Holmes' boy toys in ten seconds flat, but what the fuck was with Bruce Wayne in that scene?...

Yes, I know the League of Shadows (or the League of Extraordinary Shadows, I prefer to call them, considering Liam Neeson's UK accent and all...) was rather MWAHAHA, cliche evilish. But did Bruce Wayne really have to go, "I will NOT kill any innocent murderers", and then fucking blow the entire place up in a heartbeat, including the man he refused to slaughter? WTF?...

And if there was definitely any second fault to the film, it was the quick cam cut action... I mean, maybe the problem was just accentuated by the fact I was sitting on the far left side of one of the fucking front rows, thanks to my cousins conning me into going to such a late night show... But seriously, what the fuck is up with Hollywood and the quick cuts these days? Do they not want us to see the action or something? And make us dizzy enough to throw up and buy an extra soda or two to wash all the puke back down?...

The batmobile sequences were great, simply because I could see and feel what the fuck was going on. But the final fight on the mountains, and the final fight on the train were both completely ruined by short, ADD quick cam shots, and hand to hand battles that just didn't last long enough... I mean honestly, who throws a shoe? WTF?... Near the end, first Bale takes out four League of Shadow goons without breaking a sweat, as if they never did kick his ass when he was training. And then when he was against Al Ghul? This was literally all I saw on the screen...

Punch. Kick. Punch. Kick. Evil monologue on the monorail train. Mwhaha. Punch. Kick. Batarang. Cape... then WTF? It was all over?

What the fuck kind of fucked up, epic finish was that?... so fucking unsatisfying...

To be honest, there was one more thing that I was disappointed in the movie by... and I never thought I'd say this...

I mean seriously, first things first... How the fuck did a Master Jedi get his ass kicked and name taken by just Batman? It's like the fucking Hulk beating Superman in the DC vs Marvel comics all over again... it just ain't right...

Second, I couldn't hear a damn thing that Liam Neeson said throughout the whole damn film... I'm hoping that it was just because my ear was next to a fucking subwoofer, so everything I heard in an English accent would somehow be muffled only to me. But I've heard various reports of just a god-awful sound mix to the film when it comes to anything that Liam Neeson said... I mean seriously, was it just me, or did every single one of his big lines get overpowered and overshadowed by the soundtrack or an explosion in the background?...

... and oh, by the way... Liam Neeson really, really, ridiculously sucked as a villain...

Part of it was because I saw the big twist of the film coming from a mile away. Half because Liam Neeson looked way too ominously distinct and evil with that goddam beard of his in the trailers... and half because him and the fucking League of Shadows was fucking exposed as bad guys, before Bruce Wayne even decided to Hulk up and blow up their whole goddam monastery on a whim...

Seriously, WTF?... We saw Bruce save Ducard's life and all. How it is supposed to be a surprise to see the man return with a goddam vengeance, considering this is a story about fear and goddam vengeance?... Was it supposed to be a twist somehow, that Ducard was actually the guy in charge? Because even if he wasn't in the first place, by killing the man who was? Bruce Wayne did make Ducard the new Ra's Al Ghul, if he wasn't already... The film literally showed this forty minutes before the big fucking twist of the movie. So how is it supposed to be a big fucking surprise in the end?...

... end massive spoilers... although, umm... this review is pretty much just one big summary of the film, so why the hell does it matter?...

Ra's Al Ghul may have royally sucked as a villain. And while the League of Shadows may have been insidious, even indirectly causing the deaths of Bruce Wayne's parents in the end, they still really weren't very bright when push came to shove... Sure, killing Gotham slowly with the economic depression wasn't bad. But just leaving Batman to die a slow death from goddam aging, after a horribly cliche evil monologue, rather than just putting him out of his misery in the burning house then and there? Yeah, just fucking bright, Mr. "I'm More Retarded than Stargate's Ra"...

Fucking trying to tear the city apart, using its own panicking citizens as a sort of goddam Resident Alias endgame style? Sure, on the surface, it may have seemed nicely in line with the whole mood and theme of the movie being fear and all. But it just didn't work out in the end... Not with some stupid microwave gun, fucking up the laws of physics or whatever, by penetrating lead pipes but not the surfaces of our skin. But that's a goddam rant for another sci-fi day...

The Scarecrow though, was an amazing villain however. There's just something about the character of Dr. Crane, that seems so ingeniously evil whenever he speaks, that you just can't help but be fixated and fascinated by his amoral insanity as he grins out, "it's the... bat... man". Or some crap like that... Scarecrow was probably my least favourite villain in the entire comic series. But damn, was he ever beguiling and goddam wicked with those smarmy glasses of his in this film...

His cocky and sly nature, and that devilish grin on the face of Cillian Murphy, just shines so damn darkly as he walks away proud of turning Falcone into a paranoidal lunatic. The tug at the corners of his cheeks when Katie Holmes flees in panic to the elevator, was just so damn sadistic, that I just couldn't help but enjoy the damn bitch being tortured as well... And the delivery of his stature and lines, when he gassed Batman with the fear toxin and lit the son of a bitch on fire? God damn, it was so damn quick and brutal and to the sharpening point, that it was probably the only damn time in the entire film where quick cuts were actually welcome...

... and it's always nice to see Bale get his ass kicked by a fire breathing monster...

Because this was the film of Batman's beginnings... this was the film where Batman wasn't the genius of a vigilante that he eventually will become...

He made mistakes in this film. He paid the price... and luckily, he had a bit of support in the end...

Now, I don't know if Lucius Fox was in the comic books or not. I don't remember him from the Animated Series, at least... But I just couldn't help but fall in love with Morgan Freeman's portrayal of the scientific genius. His sly wit and cunningly vague comments, were just so damn true to the "Fox" name, that I couldn't help but enjoy every single moment that he poked fun at Bale getting his ass kicked by a goddam nerd with glasses...

And Michael Caine? Sadly enough, I never appreciated his work with the series before... but dammit, I just can't believe how damn perfect his comic relief was in this film... In the back of my mind, I knew that his jokes were predictable. I knew that the script wasn't really humourous. And yet I just couldn't help but still smirk a grin or turn the other cheek with a smile, every single damn Alfred poked his own sense of fun into the film...

Like letting Wayne borrow the Rolls Royce? Or that lovely article he found in the papers, of a drunken Bruce Wayne burning his house to ashes (hmm... Bale sure has a thing for fire, it seems...)?... I don't know why I laughed. I mean, these are all things I normally wouldn't even find the slightest bit amusing in a film, but... Somehow, Michael Caine and his delivery of every single friggin' line of comic relief, was done so damn ingeniously... that I couldn't help but snicker a kind of evil snort, every single damn time... as if on cue... as if gassed...

... as if out of fear and heart break... and the true desire for comic relief...

And that's exactly why I know in my heart, that Batman Begins is a much better film that even I'm giving it credit for...

I can't say I enjoyed the film nearly as much as I know I should've the first time around. I mean, I was not blown away by Batman Begins, simply because the sound mix in the theatre I was in, and the goddam angle that I was seeing the massive projection screen at, ruined every single fight scene and pretty much every single action sequence that could've defined the Batman series for what it was...

Some of the casting was just off too... Katie Holmes can go back to OC hell for all I care. She may not have been from that show, but OC sucks, so it's a perfect goddam match as far as I'm concerned... I already mentioned that Liam just seemed lacking somehow, for the first time in ages... And hell, even Sergeant Gordon didn't have the kind of voice that I expected from the commissioner. But since he's not the commissioner yet, it gives him a ton of time to grow, and a ton of potential to show, to earn that extra commission yet...

I can't say the pacing was up to my tastes or comic book standards either. The first half was slow as hell, and yet the third act of the story was done so damn bloody quickly, that it seemed like it was over in a single blink of an eye... I mean, after the subway crashed, the entire city is just perfectly fine? Wouldn't it take weeks to synthesize enough antidote? WTF?...

This film was all about the true origins of Batman. And while some things were changed, it's unbelievable just how much more real this film feels than the old Batman film series ever did before...

As a techie geek, I can't help but fall in love with the new Batmobile, being as practical of a tank of a Hummer's dream that it is. I can't help but drool at the prospect of knife-blunting, Kevlar armour. Or ordering 10000 Batman masks, only to find the cheapasses shatter like glass... I can't help but adore every single mistake that Batman makes along the way. We just can't help but learn from every single moment ourselves, while rooting for the underdog against all odds...

The script was just utterly beautiful. With a true Bruce Wayne, playboy for hire... With a true Batman, who kicks all asses and takes no prisoners (even though Bale's voice while Batman was disgustingly awful...)... With true comic relief from both Michael Caine and Morgan Freeman... And with some true villains along the way for the ride, with Scarecrow being utterly ingenious (as the man that I now aspire to become one day...), and the League of Shadows at least mostly holding their own...

Take almost every single damn scene... Whether it's the sight of bats swarming the police forces en masse, with Batman gliding down stairways to hell with darkness swirling all around him... Whether it's the final moments with the Scarecrow, where the timing of his flaming horse absolutely saved the otherwise dull, Apocalyptic scenes... Whether it's the amazing CG effects, of the maggots on Scarecrow's face. Or the utterly devilish, hellfire of a demonic glare that Bale was happily sporting to Crane's crazy delirium... or hell, whether it's pretty much any single damn scene where you see Batman swinging through the alleyways, clinging to stairways, or soaring through the darkened skies with his trademark cape...

The darkness of the whole atmosphere of the film, made absolutely even the most ridiculously looking Superhero shots, into ones that just somehow seemed natural...

... into ones that just somehow felt gritty... into one that just somehow felt real...

It's only a matter of years, until we look back at this age of X-men and Spiderman comic book films, and just can't help but feel embarrassed for ourselves...

Y2kk Update: - Battlestar Galactica: Kobol's Last Gleaming (Part 2) Review (Spoilers...) -

If I had to pick the best damn Battlestar Galactica season finale ever done so far?...

... then without a shadow of a doubt, my vote would go to Kobol's Last Gleaming, Part 2...

Now, even if that statement wasn't true by default, I still gotta admit that I enjoyed this episode for what it was worth...

I mean seriously, this episode was just amusing to watch... You had ridiculous Saving Private Ryan moments on the Kobol surface, with Tyrol and Crashdown seemingly having a hissy fit over their predicament and all... You had a classic catfight beatdown between Number Six and Starbuck, to the sound of funky Indian-like music, presumably over the fucking Baltar screw job that royally fucked over the last episode... And hell, you even had an orgy of naked Boomers! How the fuck could I possibly not approve of an episode with naked fucking Boomers going boom?...

... of course, even if I did enjoy the first season finale, that's not to say it still didn't rape all its characters right up the asses...

Now, I will admit this at least - Edward James Olmos provided possibly one of the best damn cliffhangers I have ever witnessed from a show before. And it's not just because I was shocked as hell, to see Boomer pull the trigger twice on the old man's ass out of nowhere... but rather, because we at the time didn't know whether Battlestar Galactica would be back for a second season. And we didn't know whether Edward James Olmos would resign with the show at all... For all we knew, Commander William Adama might've stayed dead. And it was brilliant moment in sci-fi history, to see him go down in a puddle jumper of his own blood... with the classy, sappy music in the background helping things out, of course...

But oh, where do I begin with the shit stick of a storm for rest of his character? Commander William Adama just didn't seem right in Kobol's Last Gleaming, Part 2... He barely seemed visibly miffed about Starbuck's betrayal, as if he was just going through the paychecks and motions or something. And except for his speech about pride, he barely even flinched upon hearing the news that his own son had gone traitor on him as well... We had barely any contact or communication between Adama and the president, although I guess that shows just how hurt he was by her baffling actions. And we didn't even get any semblance of a gesture of respect, between the commander and his XO... All in all, Commander Adama was simply there this episode, without really contributing anything in terms of actual raw emotion. While his eerie calmness did help accentuate the shocking suddenness of his assassination at the end, his character still just felt goddam disappointing in the end...

And somebody please just bitch slap Laura Roslin for me, will ya?... Yeah well, considering that this is the television world, chances are that her psychotic hallucinations of religious hunches will turn out to be right. And the arrow will probably lead the fleet to earth and all... But if this was reality? If the show wasn't bogged down by stupid religious rhetoric, then I would've let her ass get raped like a fucking Cylon in prison, for all the mindfucking she's done against Adama's orders... What kind of psycho president do they have in command? She refuses arrest, holding a Mexican standoff in her goddam Colonial One. And then willingly gives herself up only after she makes Lee mutiny against the commander, ruining his career just like she did with Lt. Thrace? WTF?... It's like she's the goddam evil bitch of a mother, only satisfied after she's gathered all the support from her goddam children away from their father. And it just doesn't make any sort of goddam sense, considering how warm and compassionate her school teacher character used to be... but I guess that's what power and drugs do to a flower bitch...

Now, if any character had a truly shitty day? It was probably Kara Thrace... First, she fucks up Lee by getting fucked right up the ass. Then, she learns that her favourite commander in the world has been lying to her for months about earth and all that crap. Then, she turns traitor, and lands back on a Cylon-controlled Caprica where the Sun don't shine... Then, she gets her ass handed to her by an extremely pissed off Number Six. And finally, she finds out that not only was one of her best friends a Cylon agent the whole time, but that this duplicate got knocked up from a guy Starbuck probably would've wanted to fuck too while alone on the planet...

Still, I didn't mind Starbuck in Kobol's Last Gleaming, Part 2. Her catfight against Number Six was just a hoot of a hooters to watch. And hey, at least we temporarily forgot about all that soap opera bullshit with Lee, bogging her candy ass down... But none of it made up for just how goddam out of character she had become from the first half of the two parter. I just pray her character actually returns back to the Starbuck we've always known, come the beginning of season two at least...

Now, I know Lee is having a bad week and all. First, the love of his life goes fucking around the entire ship, and then she goes all traitor on his goddam Adama ass. But that still doesn't excuse just how goddam moronic he became in Part 2 of the season finale... Now, I understand that democracy has its place, and the civilian branch (aka - pussies) must at times tell the military (aka - dicks) when they're fucking too hard. And maybe this is just my own personal, Team America bias fucking things up here too, but... WTF? Why the hell would he side with Laura Roslin, when not only did she fuck up Starbuck's mind, not only did she potentially leave all of Lee's shipmates to die on Kobol, but she even refuses to acknowledge that maybe she stepped out of line?... I may still not be totally sure if a military dictatorship was in order. But seriously, with just 47000 people left in existence, Lee just decides to toss himself in with the hallucinogenic, tree hugging fanatics of lunatics? WTF?...

... uggh... what a pussy whipped motherfucker... him and his goddam Oedipal complexes...

And hell, if we're talking about bad days, might as well throw Baltar into the mix here too... I hate what his character has become in the two parter season finale. He went from being the overglorified hero of the hour, to being some wandering lunatic, imagining some Opera Hall in the middle of goddam nowhere... Now, as a cliffhanger, I absolutely loved how William Adama was nailed twice in the gut. But if anything brought down the finish of the episode, it was the goddam pointless moments between Number Six and Baltar... I mean, a baby? WTF?! Is it a real baby, or just his goddam imagination? Was it their baby, or a vision of the child that Caprican Boomer was carrying? Seriously, WTF?... Adama having summer contract problems was a good way to keep us fans hanging. But having Baltar suck on some baby's cock in a Kobol Opera House was definitely anything but...

Well, there was some light at the end of the tunnel, for some characters at least... For the first time in quite a while, Col. Tigh was actually distinguished. With no Ellen to fuck things up for him, he actually did look respectable as he was storming the ship, Star Wars style. Too bad he really had nothing else to do, though... Billy got to look nervous over the phone, whispering into Dualla's ear about the whole situation. But I still can't help but shake my head at his misguided sense of loyalty as he stuck with the president, even after bitching the episode before about her drug induced hallucinations... Tyrol got to argue with Crashdown, in a completely pointless scene that has probably something to do with Boomer. But I don't really care what... And Dualla got to look rather adorable with the commset and all. She really did seem to care about the commander, holding his hand as the blood soaked the white table crimson red...

This was the episode that started all the Lt. Gaeta is a Cylon rumours. And to tell you the truth, if he doesn't turn out to be the next Cylon sleeper agent? Then everything he did (or lack thereof) will just seem off in Kobol's Last Gleaming... Why was he completely not surprised in the background, when Boomer raised her gun and shot twice? Why did he not even seem concerned for Adama when he was down and out? Hell, Gaeta even looked like he was a grinning a bit with the emergency phone in hand... And most important of all, why the hell did the camera quickly zoom in on Boomer's and Gaeta's handshake? HDTV pictures show that Sharon already had her gun with her, so it's not like he passed her one. But that zoom in moment was just so ominous, that there just had to be something more to that scene than just a simple shake of the hands...

And oh, Galactica Boomer. How I miss you so... Grace Park did so many things right this episode. Namely, providing us an orgy of naked Boomers, feeling up a phallic nuke and all, until it couldn't hold it in anymore. But that's besides the point...

Adama was such a moron in the sickbay scene. He noticed that Lt. Valerii had shot herself in the face, yet never bothered to ask why? And in a lovely fit of dramatic irony, he decides to send her on a suicide mission, as a human posing as a Cylon agent. How quaint was that?... I loved every single Sharon scene on the Raptor, with panic stricken all over her face. The actress really sold the Cylon Base Star scenes to me... She looked absolutely terrified, helpless, and maybe even accepting the truth when she saw all her naked selves coming at her from the walls. The look in her eyes, when she repeated to herself over and over again that she wasn't a Cylon, was probably the most haunting (and most adorable) gaze that any character on the show has ever given the camera... I just wish she had become wise enough in the end, to just friggin' turn herself in before potentially doing something nasty... like I don't know, fucking over the commander with a pistol?...

... or fucking herself up the ass with an orgy of Cylons?... wait, that would be a good thing... but there's a wish I can save for a rainy day on Caprica...

Though it's kind of ironic actually... that after so many decent Battlestar Galactica episodes, built on nothing more than just great acting and brilliant series character development, that the season finale would completely suck for everything the series stands for, both the former and the latter...

... yet Kobol's Last Gleaming still shines in the end... by having a kick ass plot and some kickass, ridiculously funny scenes...

Seeing Starbuck react in tears at the sight of another Sharon, just standing by the wayside?... Watching Helo give a patented soap opera look, when he realized that dum, dum, dum, dum, the evil Sharon was pregnant with his baby?... Having possibly the best cliffhanger I've seen on television since Enterprise's Azati Prime, or even TNG's Best of Both Worlds?... And of course, how can I forget the cool ass, Death Star Base Star nuclear explosion and all? As all the naked Sharons of course, just imploded all at once from their naked Boomer orgy on board...

... and definitely an episode, that wetted my appetite and a little something more, for the second season to come...

Will Adama survive? Will Laura Roslin be redeemed? Will they have sex as his last request?...

Who will be the next Cylon revealed? Who will be the next screw-up? Who will be the next to get fucked right up the ass?...

... and will any of the characters ever just start goddam acting, like their goddam bloody hell selves again?...

Tune in July 15th, for the hotly anticipated continuation of Days of our Frakkin' Lives...

... as the space opera of Battlestar Galactica, finally gets a chance to gleam just once more...

Y2kk Update: - Battlestar Galactica: Kobol's Last Gleaming (Part 1) Review (Spoilers...) -

There are a lot of Battlestar Galactica fanatics on the net, who all claim that Kobol's Last Gleaming was one of the best two hours of television that they've ever experienced in their entire damn lives...

... that it really was Battlestar Galactica's brightest, shining light of a gleam of the entire first season...

... I would barely even count Kobol's Last Gleaming as one of the better episodes of the first season of Battlestar Galactica...

I mean, I see that Ron Moore prescribes to the same kind of crap philosophy that Joss Whedon does, in terms of fantasy melodramatic bullshit at least...

Make the audience fall in love with your characters. Put your heroes on a pedestal...

... and then tear it all down... make your audiences reap and weep the whirlwinds of fandom, cliffhanger pain...

And to be honest? Yeah, I mostly do agree with this dramatic principle and all... it's how all the great tragedies of the past worked, afterall...

Pretty much none of the characters' downfalls in Kobol's Last Gleaming made any sort of goddam sense whatever... not in the context of how "realistic" the show had portrayed sci-fi and their personalities beforehand, at least...

I mean, WTF is wrong with the president? I swear to God, she better be a Cylon pent up on drugs or something, or somebody's gonna get a hurt real bad... Seriously, how the fuck could she be so whacked out in Kobol's Last Gleaming? It's not just the fact that she believes she's the messiah of her race or anything... It's the fact that, ahem - 10 FUCKING GUYS ARE TRAPPED ON KOBOL. And instead of letting Kara do her damn job, she cons the pilot into stealing the fucking Cylon Raider and LETTING HER FUCKING PEOPLE ON KOBOL DIE? WTF?...

I mean seriously, how the fuck is this supposed to be the same, lovable, motherly president we've all come to adore?... I can only pray to the Gods that she turns out to be a Cylon in the end. It's the only logical reason why her prophecies would all be coming true (unless the writers really want to go down that chosen one, Matrix bullshit path in their show)... Her subconscious Cylon self must be sending her human half visions that the Cylons planned out, and making sure that all her dreams strictly adhered to the books of the bible, to mindfuck all her followers into being true religious believers. The Cylons want us to take Kobol, then want us to find earth for them, they want us to believe, and they're using their Madame President of a sleeper agent to do it all for them... or at least, I pray that this is actually their excuse of a "plan"...

But what Starbuck's excuse? There she goes again, just slutting her way down Baltar's pants, for really no apparent reason whatsoever... Sure, the two had a dance or two on Colonial Day, and maybe did the dance by the pale moonlight around the poker table once or twice as well. But considering she and Lee keep flirting with one another every goddam episode up until Kobol's Last Gleaming? Then it really doesn't make any frakkin' sense, why she'd suddenly become a cigar smoking "screw-up" all over again... And hell, we as an audience being forced to watch Starbuck, all remorseful and depressed for an entire episode? That was not exactly what the doctor prescribed...

And then WTF was with her decision at the end? THERE ARE 10 FUCKING FRIENDS OF HERS, TRAPPED ON FUCKING KOBOL. And yet she instead decides to just grow a beard and a personal vendetta against her father of a captain, and steals the Cylon Raider on the whim of a drugged up psychopath?... Tell me where that actually starts to sound like the Starbuck we've always known and sort of loved... Sure, I can almost buy her being a slut. Almost all women are... But WTF was up with her complete betrayal of her commander and friends this episode? I might as well start calling her Darth Starbuck, because her goddam Anakin angst was literally fucking through the walls...

And Dr. Gaius Baltar? It seems that all men have a tragic flaw, with 90% of us all of course having it with goddam women... Baltar was the man before, living the life of cigars and VP luxury. I loved his character. I wanted to be Gaius Baltar... But now look at him, just pouting away like some common folk of a loser. I have to agree with Number Six on this one - it was just somehow so disappointing... Kobol's Last Gleaming marks the beginning of the Dr. Baltar that I've grown to hate. I loved how narcissistic he was before, so why the fuck did he have to go all broody and remorseful?... Sure, he still had his few moments or two, giving me a few yuckles with his simultaneous speeches to both the president and Number Six at once. But that was a far cry from the Dr. Gaius Baltar that I respected as the king of kings on the series and all...

His character absolutely made no bloody hell sense in Kobol's Last Gleaming... I can understand him wanting to fuck Starbuck 'till she screamed and squeezed out "Lee" between her legs. But why the fuck was he taking it so hard, after giving it to her so hard? Why the fuck did he actually fall in love with Kara, when the two have had almost no chemistry whatsoever in the series?... And then what does Baltar do? He pines about his long lost love all episode long. And then acts as a fucking bitter priest when it came to Boomer blowing her brains out... I don't want to see Baltar as a humbled and reflective man. I want to see him swaggering about, as my own goddam personal hero. And yet things only get even stupider and more whacked out for him in the next installment of the first season finale... but I'll leave that blasphemy for another day...

Now, I don't blame Apollo for how he reacted to the slutty asstastic news, of Starbuck being bent over a poker table and all. And to be honest, I would've probably slugged Starbuck a new one too, if only I knew I could get away with it at least... However, I will admit that Lee Adama was just boring as fuck in the first part of Kobol's Last Gleaming. He was just there, felling all moody and angsty about not sexing up his dead brother's ex-fiancee fast enough to the draw... To be honest, I kinda felt that was still in character for him. He always did seem like the awestruck, believer in true love with Starbuck and all... But that doesn't excuse him for just how shitty ass stupid he becomes in part 2 of the season finale. But that's a rant I'll leave for my next review...

Commander Adama at least pretty much remained in character. He was still fatherly to Starbuck, almost begging her to come back with the Cylon Raider at the end. And he was still stern with Lee, barking at him orders like only a good father-in-chief can... But just like with Gaius and Apollo, William Adama just goes blitzkrieg psychotically stupid in the second part of Kobol's Last Gleaming. And as for the first half of the two parter?... Well, he was barely in the episode. Not much to say about the show, when its star is suddenly so lacking amongst the stars in space...

I would like to say one of the other characters on the series made some sort of sense this episode, but I'd be hard pressed to exactly find out who... Col. Tigh just looked blank and clueless at the end, pretty much waving his arms in the air like a maniac, hoping that Starbuck comes back with the Raider for some goddam reason... Lt. Gaeta was just there at the poker table, and so was Dualla. At least Dualla got to look cute and all there, but what the fuck did Gaeta do? Smile his sick Cylon smile, and hope that Baltar doesn't notice that clones come in the colour gay?...

And then there was Chief Tyrol. It was nice that he finally checked up on Galactica Boomer and all, after being invisible for so many damn episodes in a row. But it was also still fucked up how he didn't tell anybody on the ship what the Columbine Lieutenant told him... And it was even more fucked up, that nobody on the ship even noticed that one of its witchhunted bitches from a few episodes back, was shooting herself in the fucking face in fear she would fuck somebody else up. But that's really besides the frakkin' point...

Actually, there is one actress who did completely shine amongst the stars this episode: Grace Park. And man, did she ever shine a nice shiner in the rain... On Caprica, she really did give the impression that she loved Helo. Sure, I knew it was all some Cylon Jedi mind trick in the end, but damn did she ever look cute with a bullet in the shoulder. And you gotta give props to Helo too... He may have been too dumbass to figure out the whole Cylon human thing for 50 first dates and nights. But at least he was genius enough to leave Boomer shivering cold in the rain for half the entire damn episode... we, the male audience, have definitely got to give him two thumbs up and a dick for that...

Now, I still don't get why Galactica Boomer just doesn't tell someone to lock her up and check her blood for Cylon shit again or something. If she's really that frightened, why the fuck wouldn't she just turn herself in?... Sure, she may be afraid of being experimented on. Sure, I'm sure all Asians have some sort of fetish for suicide or some shit like that... But seriously, WTF? I loved Caprican Boomer this episode, mostly because she was hot as hell. But then we had Galactica Boomer, choosing to off herself instead of just finally calling me the fuck back like she promised? What the fuck is the bitch's problem?... fucking goddam bitches...

Boomer. Starbuck. Laura Roslin.... Yup. Three complete bitches in one single package, all in one goddam frakkin' hour...

Lee. Dr. Baltar. Commander Adama... Three completely moronic, melodramatic assholes all making the Battlestar Galactica show look like one complete, Joss Whedon rip-off...

I will admit however, that for what it's worth? I still enjoyed Kobol's Last Gleaming, if only for the plot... The opening montage was brilliantly crafted and pasted together, especially with the contrast between the Helo gun pointing thing, and the whole Boomer suicide thing back on Galactica... And I did love the spectacular action sequence, with the Raider colliding with the Raptor, and the first Raptor spiraling down into the depths of the atmosphere, just for shits and Johnny Depp fits and windowless giggles... And yes, until I saw Kobol's Last Gleaming (Part 2), the cliffhanger did leave me decently hanging at the end. It was completely out of character for Starbuck to steal the Raider like that, but at least it gave some semblance of meaning to that useless Flesh and Bone episode long ago...

I liked how they found Kobol. I didn't like how they found it after just 50 damn days in space though (otherwise you'd think Caprica would've found it earlier in the past 3000 bloody hell years)... I liked how Starbuck jumped back to Caprica. I didn't like how she did it with one damn jump (otherwise, why the hell is it taking the Cylons so damn long to find the Galactica fleet?)... I liked how there was both a real sense of hope and dread at the same damn time in Kobol's Last Gleaming. I didn't like however, how goddam much the second half of the two parter let me goddam down in the end...

Though I guess it just doesn't feel right, however... that I wrote about ten goddam paragraphs in a row, all tearing apart an episode that I actually quite enjoyed...

I guess I was genuinely telling the truth then, when I said I did prescribe and monthly subscribe to the Joss Whedon, and now Ron Moore type of melodramatic philosophical bullshit when it comes to character development, and making the audience come back for more...

I raised Kobol's Last Gleaming like a glass on a pedestal, so high that it literally sparkled to the brim from all the bathing sunlight...

... and then I tore it all down... like the clustered mindfuck of a bitch that it was...

As everything went back to normal for Battlestar Galactica after The Hand of God, I see...

The thing is, I don't even want to bother with reviewing this episode. You two noname readers out there both know, that I hate politics on television, and I absolutely hate political thrillers that try to be smart... And sadly enough, Ron Moore and the rest of the BSG writers, thought that a bar fight with a fat man with a beer bottle, was a smart political thriller in the end... uggh...

I respect the old school Apollo actor who plays Tom Zarek. And hell, I'll even admit that Zarek had some good lines this episode, with the whole speech about lawyers still acting like lawyers, and businessmen having no business... But if anything? That speech simply highlighted how damn dumb the civilian half of the whole damn series had become...

I mean seriously, WTF was with the press this episode? The way they talked over the wireless, you'd think they were covering an NBA Finals game or something. They were all bubblish and cocky and arrogant about their political opinions, as if they didn't notice that the world had ended outside their private Cloud 9's... Hell, I still don't get why the Galactica hasn't called for martial law yet. Practically the entire government was wiped out by nukes, there's only 45000 humans left in the known universe, and we got stupid press idiots here, spreading the free paranoid cheer amongst all the remaining idiots left in the fleet... uggh...

I suppose Colonial Day can be counted as a Laura Roslin episode, considering most of the scenes centered on her. It was supposed to highlight how cut-throat she had become as a politician, tossing aside that useless Col. Wally Samuels of forgotten SG-1 fame to the curb, and picking the devil that she knew better for the role of VP... But really, I just couldn't stand the president this episode. Sure, I thanked the gods that she didn't have another one of those goddam prophetic dreams of hers. But did we really have to be subjected to such boring performances at the podium, doing her presidential thing all episode long?... Her bitchy side is definitely not what I'd prefer to watch on my television. Not willingly, at least... I get enough of that from the real women in my life, thank you very much...

Where were the rest of the characters this episode? All Adama got to do, was ask the president for a cute, cuddly dance. Of course, that gesture would've been worth something in the end, if he didn't go all psychotic on her ass in the season finale two-parter... Col. Tigh got to look like the lovable loser with Ellen at his side again. But instead of focusing on him, we got god-awful scenes of Zarek and Mrs. Tigh scheming behind the XO's back. Which brings to life even more goddam soap-opera shit that I really could do without on my goddam television screen...

Lee and Starbuck got to flirt again. First, with the water spray, then with the gratuitous ass shots in the locker room, and finally with the dance with the hideous dress on Colonial Day... While I liked how the two had chemistry, it definitely felt too forced this episode, as nothing felt nearly as natural as it did between them in Hand of God... Plus, I absolutely hated how Starbuck danced with Baltar at the end, of course to lead into her WTF moment with him in bed the next episode. But I'll tear that moment apart when I get to the first season finale...

Dr. Gaius Baltar once again was the only saving grace of an otherwise waste of an episode. Colonial Day was all about politics, which I agree with Baltar with - it was the only damn thing more boring than 60 years of goddam blood test samples... But I still managed to enjoy the good doctor for what he's worth. He got to flirt with a pretty hot blonde reporter, as I'd love to give her an exclusive with my john as well... And actually, to be honest? Baltar really was quite persuasive and charismatic as the figurehead for Caprica. His preach to the press about keeping the old values of the old nations, was actually quite wonderfully written for a change. And perhaps was the only decent goddam speech the writers have ever written, that didn't sound like goddam pretentious speechifying from their own shit mouths...

And of course, we had Number Six... Once again, she helped Baltar ascend to the throne, raising his right arm on the path to becoming vice president... But why the hell does she care so much for Baltar to be at the top of the food chain? Because he's so easily controlled? Because she loves him? Or both?... And speaking of Cylon conspiracies, did anyone else notice that Boomer's dance partner this episode was Lt. Gaeta? How very possibly, not-very-revealing-but-still-otherwise-very-noteworthy, revealing that may turn out to be... indeed...

I suppose that besides the Baltar moments, I actually did enjoy something in Colonial Day. As the Helo movement back on Caprica finally got some real momentum... Finally, the asshole started putting one and one together to get a threesome, and noticed that maybe all the Number Six's out there weren't exactly human... Then he gets shocked as hell from learning that his slut of a girlfriend was a Cylon. He runs away like a wuss, leaving Boomer to chase him up the ass... and hey, if he doesn't want her? Then I'd gladly take her off his hands, and right into mine...

... not to mention the fact that Grace Park was wet with rain for the umpteenth time in the series yet again... and I gotta give Colonial Day some props for that...

A shitty ass review, for a shitty ass episode. A perfect match made in Kobol heaven...

Afterall, I was still pretty much bored to tears from Colonial Day. And it probably shows in this review, as I just can't even be bothered to creatively insult an episode that was just so goddam pointless in the end...

I mean, with Tom Zarek at the center fold, and Laura Roslin playing the queen bitch of them all?...

... a bit of a more realistic version, that is... though slightly less amusing...

True to its name, The Hand of God was the episode that truly defined Battlestar Galactica as the series it has become...

The Hand of God has become one of my select few favourite episodes ever devised from sci-fi... It's one of the rarest of breeds, the kind of episode that I can watch over and over and fucking over again, and yet when it's all said and done? The first thing I think of each and every damn time, is that I certainly wouldn't mind watching the episode yet another time around... it just never gets boring, it just never gets old...

Because in my honest opinion at least? I know that I haven't been the biggest proponent of Battlestar Galactica as a series and all... But fuck the haters. And fuck the hating. The Hand of God was absolutely the episode that sold me on the series... And the hope that another episode sometime down the road will be touched by the same exact hand of God as well?... that's really the sole reason why I'll be watching every single Battlestar Galactica episode from here on out...

Now, The Hand of God wasn't just stellar, because it featured almost half an hour of better space battle action than Star Wars or Star Trek has managed for years, maybe even decades. But rather, this episode was just that damn good in the end, because it featured every single character at their most likable state in the entire first season so far... Every single frakkin' character on the show got a chance to shine in this one single episode, in ways more memorable than entire seasons of Star Trek Enterprise or even Buffy the Vampire Slayer ever managed to achieve...

Commander Adama was the man in The Hand of God. Name any scene in the episode, and I'll swear to you that he was the best captain ever on television since Captain Picard, bar none... I dare ya - pick any scene. I mean, for starters, you gotta love the cigarette lighter moments with Apollo... Not only were they the most powerful father and son moments in the entire season, sharing memories of their lawyer of a grandfather over his long lost lighter. But Adama even managed to make the scene into great comic relief as well in the end, swearing he'd kick his son's ass and take his name if he didn't bring back the damn lighter from the mission... Superstitions have always been strong in every single family. And having the two Adamas share a true family moment, outside of their goddam usual Zack angst, was perhaps the most touching scene in the history of the entire show so far...

I was amazingly impressed with Captain Apollo this episode as well. Not only did he do an amazing job in the battle in the end, frantically repeating "I've got you, I've got you" at his target, in ways that really did heighten the tension... But his character was just so strong and yet so scared in The Hand of the God, that the duality of it all made for some startling, bloody hell decent television in the end... His search for confidence from his father in the lighter scene was Emmy-quality, no doot aboot it. The look on his face when his father told him he absolutely knew he'd come back, because "you're my son", was perhaps the most revealing moment ever between the two to date...

And for once, every scene featuring both Lee and Starbuck didn't feel like some soap opera rip-off. For once, there wasn't just teen angst between the two. But rather, a mutual adoration and respect... Apollo kept demanding confidence from Starbuck, even though he knew he'd never be even half the pilot she was. And she refused to ever give him that confidence. Not until the job was done in the end... The stark contrast, between the shaky Lee and Kara in their private conversations earlier, and how damn elated they both were together when they were sharing a Starbuck cigar moment in time, was absolutely the highlight of the relationship between these two characters all season long... And having Adama just nod in approval, as he got back his "damn fine lighter" in the background, was just all so sweet... that the writers really do deserve a cigar for their damn fine work in The Hand of God...

Because really, for the first time in the series perhaps? I've always enjoyed Starbuck's antics to some agree, but I've never really taken to her as a character. Not until she entered "the big leagues" this episode... Heading up to this episode, I had thought her knee injury was just some sad attempt at continuity. The same way the series shows toilets to one-up Star Trek's sanity and all... But the actress did such a hell of a job in every single scene, where she was biting her nails, tooth to bone, feeling absolutely helpless since she wasn't the one in the cockpit... Adama helped make the knee weight lifting scene into really an enlightening one. Realizing that you're no longer fit for that cockpit, is one of those heart-breaking things that every great pilot has to go through in their lives sometime, and somehow...

And the way Thrace handled herself as commander? Not only was her plan utterly brilliant (and even caught me by surprise), but I just loved that contained smile she gave the camera when the Cylons fell for her bait... The actress just looked like she cared so much for her pilots, for Lee in particular, that I couldn't help but get wrapped up in the whole thick of things. She convinced me of the battle, she convinced me of her character, and she convinced me of the series, all with just one goddam scene... Hell, how the hell could I not fall in love with her character? She really matured this episode, from just a cliche space pilot, into a true character of a woman. I mean, with her cigar sharing with Lee, her porn-like "back door is open" comments, and her lesbian-like, Elektra embrace of the president in the command center? How the hell could I not fall in love with her character then?...

Now, I'll admit that if any character suffered this episode, it was Laura Roslin. Hearing all the prophetic crap and seeing the 12 ghastly snakes on the podium, were the only things that bogged down the otherwise perfect pacing of this episode... Still, despite all the annoying foreshadowing talk of finding Kobol and earth, I still seemed to fall in love with the president this episode. She was just so motherly and cuddly with Kara at the end, that I just couldn't hate the actress... She had chemistry with literally everyone on the cast. She was stern and commanding, yet almost flirting with Adama when he was sharing Kara's original idea... And when the truth of the hidden fighters appeared on the board? I couldn't help but marvel at Roslin's reaction. She was both stunned, yet never once really surprised at Kara at the same damn time. As if she knew that the girl would never let her down...

Really, like I said, The Hand of God marked the point in the series, when every single character was absolutely the most likable. I mean honestly, how the hell could I not adore Laura Roslin this episode, when she was just so damn proud of her people?...

And if there was any single defining episode, that I can truly say made me love Dr. Gaius Baltar as my personal hero of them all? It was definitely The Hand of God... Dammit, I want to be this man! How the hell could he be so lucky, just guessing the exact right location and bomb yield, to blow the Cylon base sky high without damaging any of the fuel down below?... I can get into all the conspiracy theories again, of Number Six most likely subconsciously giving him the information when she 'broke' his neck mid-summer's dream. But hell, even all of her religious preaching couldn't bog down this episode, as Dr. Gaius Baltar truly was the man in command...

I just loved the expressions on his face, as he paced back and forth on the command deck, like I've done so many damn times before tests and presentations. I just loved her terrified he was, not of getting blown to bits, but rather for being exposed as the fraud he is... Every single one of his half-hopeful comments and questions, whenever the mission was in jeopardy and his guess would no longer have to be confirmed, made his character into absolutely the coolest damn sleezeball since Greedo shot first... And the reaction on his face when his guess was 100% "right on the money"? Absolutely no more Mr. Nice Gaius priceless. The actor looked stunned, shocked, awed, and almost in tears of relief, all from one little hug of affection from Lt. Gaeta... Hell, even Lt. Gaeta was perfect this episode. He whispered all his orders through his headset perfectly. And he sure as hell did hug Baltar in porous approval at the end... which brings more conspiracy theories to the forefront of my brain, but I'll leave those for another day...

Like I said, every damn character got a chance to shine. Well, almost as least... Tyrol was only seen sitting on his ass before the battle. Billy was nowhere to be seen. And Dualla was cute with her "god speed" comments, but that was about it from her... Most of the newly trained pilots from episodes past were merely noname, cannon fodder for the Cylon flak guns this episode. And Col. Tigh's only moment was scoffing at Starbuck's plan, before she had even come up with it, mind you... And even Number Six had barely anything to do, except for nauseating me with her prophetic echoing and foreshadowing of the Kobol episodes to come... although the difference between hers and the priest's interpretation of "serpents 2 and 10", did bring up a valid point and all... not that I'll go into that right here and now, mind you...

And back on Caprica? Normally, I'd just call all the Helo scenes as "Craprica" or something like that, like most of the net seems to do. But hell, even the gay porn barn scenes in The Hand of God seemed touched by divinity... Sure, I rolled my eyes when Caprican Boomer got her morning sickness and all. But hey, at least she looked damn hot while puking, thanks to the return of all the nuclear rain outside, wetting our appetites and soaking her lower eye... And finally, Helo starts coming to his senses. He starts realizing that maybe the Cylons look like humans now, and then we got a chase scene at the end. A Helo cliffhanger that was actually decently entertaining for once... And even Galactica Boomer got a chance to shine. She helped find the fuel Galactica needed at the start, and she even got to mock Crashdown with his new girl of a chip on his shoulder at the end. While ironically drinking champagne at the same time...

Pregnant girls aren't supposed to drink, now are they? Yet Caprican Boomer is the one puking from beans, and Galactica Boomer is the one getting wasted... and hopefully finally getting around to calling me the fuck back...

Doesn't matter though. Both Boomers looked hot this episode. It was a win-win situation... in possibly one of the best sci-fi episodes I have ever seen in years...

Everything in this episode was done to near perfection. The pacing was just right, the camera shots (especially the zooms in the battle) created the most epic of atmospheres... And the music? Holy motherfucking shit balls. If you weren't sold on the music in Battlestar Galactica before, then just listen to The Hand of God. As the composers really were divinated with the sound of music... The Celtic-inspired melody that played softly during the Adama lighter moment, and triumphantly while the hero returned home with the lighter in hand? Absolutely perfect. It was possibly the most memorable music I heard from any television show all season long... And seriously, the tune took about two bloody hell months to get out of my head. That's how goddam, frakkin' perfect it was...

And goddammit, have I even mentioned the battle yet? Seeing Apollo gun it through a conveyor belt, was absolutely the best damn, thrilling sci-fi space flight I've seen in years. And a brilliant homage to the Star Wars Death Star trench, might I add... The plot was amazing as well. Finally, we got some action, and for a good reason. The Battlestar Galactica and the fleet needed fuel. It also had to send a message to the Cylons, to back the fuck off. Two birds with one stone... And to make matters even more interesting, did the Cylons want the Galactica to win the battle? Did the Cylons take one on the chin, just to make sure the fleet makes it to Kobol, and eventually to earth?...

Really, if it isn't obvious by now, I'm stark raving mad about this episode. The Hand of God completely ranks up there with the best of episodes from Star Trek Enterprise, Buffy, Angel, Stargate, and hell, even my precious Star Trek: The Next Generation...

... for once, Battlestar Galactica got all good things, and absolutely the best of both worlds...

Yes, this episode was just that damn good. With a script and dialogue, that literally felt like it was written by the hand of God...

I mean, it wasn't just the plot. It wasn't just the pacing... It wasn't just the music. It wasn't just the melancholy... It wasn't just the suspense. It wasn't just the happiness... It wasn't just the mood. It wasn't just the foreboding atmosphere... It wasn't just the acting. And yes, it wasn't just the likable, matured, and absolutely charismatic character development either...

... and put it all together, in a one hour victory cigar, that I can keep watching over and over and goddam over again... and somehow never get fucking bored...

Seriously, how many episodes have I watched in my entire life, that I can honestly say the same exact thing for?

Y2kk Update: - Battlestar Galactica: Tigh Me Up, Tigh Me Down (Secrets & Lies) Review (Spoilers...) -

Tigh Me Up, Tigh Me Down was the first episode of Battlestar Galactica that ever had a name change...

Tigh Me Up, Tigh Me Down was also the closest ever episode to an actual slapstick comedy that the writers ever made...

It was also quite possibly, the absolute stupidest Battlestar Galactica episode I have ever seen in my entire, bloody hell life...

I mean honestly, is there anything even remotely redeeming about this complete waste of an hour of television?...

First things first, while I had thought I'd gotten used to it from the rest of the series, I have to admit that the shaky cam footage in Tigh Me Up, Tigh Me Down was simply goddam unbearable. It's flat out overkill in the dinner sequence, where all the fluttering shots of Col. Tigh and his wife literally put me into a dizzy spell over the goddam toilet, and obviously not in a good way... Were the camera men trying to make us feel drunk with the couple or something? Because all it really made me do, was walk away from the terrible episode...

This was Col. Tigh's only dedicated episode of the season. The writers finally threw him a boner, I see. And not for the better... It was also Edward James Olmos' first attempt I believe at directing an episode. And the two experiments definitely didn't mix well with all the tonics and vodkas when push came to shove...

Tigh Me Up, Tigh Me Down featured the return and introduction of Mrs. Ellen Tigh. And she provided all the supposed comedy this episode, feeling up Apollo underneath the table, flirting with Baltar right in front of her husband, and accusing the Commander of feeling her up in her sleep... It was all a dark kind of comedy, or at least I think it was meant to be. But the goddam whacked out music this episode, made it all feel like a circus side show or something... The dinner scene was made unbearable by constant alcoholic snorts and bland acting, that just could not be covered by the rhetorical dinner table, incoherent babble. And the laboratory get-together in the end had absolutely the worst atmosphere setting musical score I have ever heard from the show in my life, period...

This was supposed to be Col. Tigh's episode. Not some reject version of the Ellen DeGeneres show, or some shit like that... We got barely any scenes of anything but Tigh looking like a slapstick drunk. And I for one could care less about the distinguished man, laughing it up with a bottle in his hand. But I suppose that was the point... If there was anything that remotely saved this episode and his character from mediocrity, it was the five second pose of respect and friendship he shared with Adama over his "hunch" with the fighters. I don't quite see how Tigh saved the ship, considering a Kamikaze Raider couldn't possibly have caused more damage than a nuclear missile did... but at least we got a decent scene of the chain of command there... and what friends are for...

But almost every single other Adama scene was just plain embarrassing in comparison. I know that the plot dictated that the Commander be a little off, to at least humour the audience into thinking he was a Cylon. But did the writers really have to strip every single trait that made the Commander likable to the audience?... They had him distant as ever with the president and his son. They made him overly critical of Tigh in person, and then overly supportive of the Colonel whenever he was talking with the president...

And the president? At least Laura Roslin didn't have another one of those mind-grating prophetic dreams of hers, or any sort of crap like that. Grating on my own goddam brain, I mean... But she was still unbearably annoying at best. She kept giving those bitchy kind of stares that look right through men, to Adama. And she turned everyone against him, from Billy to Dualla to Col. Tigh, without any shred of proof that the Commander was indeed what the Cylon told her he was. That was definitely so damn stupid that it was annoying... I suppose the actress did her duty at the dinner table alright, looking scared out of her wits at the thought that somebody as drunk with horniness as Ellen Tigh was, could possibly be a Cylon. But then all her goodwill was completely ruined in the final scenes, when the comedic sort of Mexican standoff at the end (without any Mexicans or guns, mind you) fell absolutely flat on its face... You had the president bickering like a school girl, exchanging pointless barbs with Adama, as if she was a jealous little teen or something...

... which I hope she was... jealous, I mean... because then at least, we would've gotten some point out of this waste of an episode...

Once again, Dr. Gaius Baltar was the only character who actually came close to making this episode worthwhile to watch. Stripping it down with Number Six and spinning in his chair, while the rest of the world bitched on and on around him, was perhaps the only true defining moment of the entire damn hour. And I guess doing it with a table while Starbuck was watching from behind, was worth a woot or two as well...

Still, some things just don't sit right with me when it came to the ol' doc. Most of his scenes were just boring ones, fretting over the fact that it takes 11 hours to do just one Cylon blood test... And seriously, why the hell does it take 11 hours? Didn't Boomer's test only take a few minutes the episode before? Why would Baltar actually lie and make more work for himself?... I can sort of understand why he would make all test results green and human in the end. No fuss, and it doesn't make him a target, as long as the Cylons other than Number Six don't know that his test actually works... But still, he's putting the whole ship and his whole life at risk by letting Cylons just walk around without anyone knowing. That just doesn't sound smart for even a narcisstic guy like him...

Pretty much every other character was robbed of any sort of dignity this episode... Starbuck was just there in the CIC, watching the Raider fly in circles for really no apparent reason whatsoever. And Apollo had really nothing to do but get feeled up by an old lady, who may have played the role of a desperate housewife, but looked nowhere near as hot as Eva Longaria did at the Spurs game tonight... Billy and Dualla shared a decent moment at the start, with the Vipers showing off with their fly-by by the window. But their romance is just so naive and mushy at times, that it even makes a geek like me cringe at the dialogue...

Tyrol was just there, getting his money from the BSG payroll and all... And Boomer? I forget what she did on the Battlestar, but I do remember her just running down dark, phallic little tunnels with Helo back on Caprica and all... The writers are trying to make it feel like this Boomer is a free agent or something, that her love for Helo has made her defect to the human side or something. But I for one know that this is all simply what the Boomer bots are programmed to do - to think and even side with us humans, but they'll never really be on our side... They are perfect sleeper agents. Though I guess that comes with the territory, with the Cylon pregnancy and all...

... uggh... you know that an episode is just horrendously bad, when the best thing about it is a hot Cylon chick going maternal...

I guess I can respect what the writers were trying to do with this episode though. They were obviously trying to make a comedy with some serious ramifications for the series in the end... but it just didn't pay off one damn bit... pretty much like how every single Star Trek Enterprise comedy failed in the end...

Every BSG character this episode felt way off, all ruined by the fact that Ellen with her shrill voice was fucking up the whole damn show...

I don't know if Tigh Me Up, Tigh Me Down was the worst episode of Battlestar Galactica ever made so far...

... afterall, Flesh and Bone was pretty damn embarrassing itself... and then you have that awful vice-presidential election episode I have yet to trash with a review, so...

Truth be told... the only way I'd ever watch this goddam, bloody hell episode again?...

... with a Bloody Hell Mary on the side, just for shits and giggles of course...

I don't know if it was the absolute worst episode in the history of Battlestar Galactica, but it definitely was probably the most illogical of them all...

I mean, WTF? Starbuck goes all religious and Stockholm Syndrome on us? What the fuck is up with that?...

Trust me. If you missed this episode, then you should thank the lords of Kobol for your goddam, frakkin' luck...

Flesh and Bone was truly one of those rare, special episodes... that you literally wish that you could somehow un-see...

I mean, WTF did they do to Kara Thrace? What is she, the Harry Kim of the ship, and the jack of all trades?... She's the best pilot in the fleet. She's the best sniper in the fleet. And now she's the toughest SOB of an interrogator on the whole damn show? What the fuck?...

What the fuck were the writers smoking when they made this episode? Because truth be told, I was so damn bored from this episode, that I really could use a good high right about now...

I won't even bother getting into the details of it all... Flesh and Bone tried too damn hard to be over-pretentious. I mean, sure getting Leo to bob for apples in the water bucket was worth a moment or two. But what about all of his goddam speechifying that it took to get to that moment?... I don't think I've ever heard so much goddam religious fluff in my entire damn life. And it was horrid writing too!... it was like I was writing some goddam, high school play about some goddam, president-assassinating terrorist, or some crap like that... goddammit, no comment...

And then WTF? Starbuck actually relates to this guy at the end? She starts believing in the gods of Kobol again, and even makes out with the Cylon's hand when he was being blown out of an airlock?... Kara's character completely didn't make any sort of sense whatsoever this episode. I assume that meeting Leo was supposed to be one big frakkin' revelation when it came to her spiritual life or something... But all I got out of this experience at least, was that she was such a goddam wuss during it all, that she didn't even knee the Cylon in the balls when he had the balls to choke her out... I mean seriously, Starbuck was literally the worst interrogator I have ever seen on television. She even handed food to the Cylon without demanding some answers first. What the fuck?!...

Uggh... Flesh and Bone entirely concentrated on just Starbuck and the Cylon, completely ignoring every other cast member on the crew... Were Col. Tigh and Apollo even in this episode? Even if they were, they sure as hell didn't help the show one damn bit... And Commander Adama? First of all, why was he so goddam stupid, in choosing Kara with a busted knee to be the goddam interrogator and all? Why didn't he just do it himself, since he already beat the living shit out of that Cylon model before... And it's not like I cared about the big revelation at the end, that Adama could possibly be a Cylon. If anything, a revelation like that outside of a season cliffhanger or whatever, proves that the man isn't a Cylon. And kills any sort of spectator suspense the series had going for it beforehand...

Now, starting from Flesh and Bone and on, I really, really, ridiculously couldn't stand the President Roslin character one damn bit... I can only hope that she turns out to be a Cylon, or at least under their subconscious control. That would be the only logical reason for her goddam hallucinations being right and all... Because if the show really does want to go with faith? That the lords of Kobol do exist? And that Laura was really seeing the future in her dreams? Then even as a man of faith, I don't think I can tolerate BSG anymore. Because goddam politics and religious fundamental crap on television, all mix together in my mouth with the foulest of BSG and MSG sort of tastes...

It makes sense that Laura's a Cylon though, doesn't it? The Cylons seem to want the Battlestar Galactica to find earth, either to wipe out the human population on that planet too, or to fuck every single one of us in the ass until we make Cylon babies with souls... To find earth, we first need to find Kobol, or so the Leo Cylon claimed. And isn't that exactly what President Roslin is doing? She's the prophet leading her people to Kobol first, and then to Earth?... And why was the Cylon this episode so easily swayed by Roslin's promise? Before she shoved him out of an airlock at least, Jonathan Archer style and all...

There was only one scene in the entire episode that I enjoyed: the Boomer and Dr. Gaius Baltar moment in the labs... First of all, either the Cylons subconsciously helped Baltar with his scientific work and all, or he really is a damn genius. Because WTF? His Cylon detector actually works? WTF?... Either way, it did. And thanks to Number Six steaming up the scene, I couldn't help but laugh out loud at the wussy Baltar, frantically rapping away at his keyboard like a monkey, hoping the red light turns green. Like most road ragers at a traffic light, it seemed... I loved how he was too terrified of Boomer then and there, to actually tell her the truth about her Cylon self and all. But there's just one thing I don't get in the end... Dr. Baltar is completely self-interested, only caring about his own prestige and survival. Why the fuck didn't he tell Adama about Boomer being a possible terrorist then, since she could easily destroy the ship while Gaius is on it?...

Kara being a hardass interrogator turned religious softie. Baltar being a complete wuss of a pussy, too damn scared to even save his own hide after Boomer left and all?... Nothing, absolutely nothing in this episode made any sort of goddam sense whatso-goddam-ever...

If there's one thing that Battlestar Galactica has always been able to do better than almost every other sci-fi show out there in history, it's writing distinct characters that are always true to their core and native selves...

... so what the fuck went wrong with Flesh and Bone? What the fuck were the writers smoking?...

Somebody please just beat them over the head with an ugly stick, all the way down to their frakkin' flesh and bones here...

... or toss them out of an airlock, at least... for some sort of poetic justice...

I mean sure, I know every season has to have their bad apples in there somewhere...

But goddammit, and oh dear God almighty, this episode was just goddam embarrassing...

Y2kk Update: - Battlestar Galactica: Six Degrees of Separation Review (Spoilers...) -

You know what?... The first time I watched Six Degrees of Separation, I really didn't think it was anything special. As far as I was concerned, it just featured a frantic Dr. Gaius Baltar, running around with his tail between his legs and all... and with his dick tied between his ankles for effect as well...

But maybe it's just because I've been in the mood for a decent comedy as of late, but I really did seem to enjoy Six Degrees of Separation the second time I watched it...

Sure, it was mostly a filler episode, with the only real story arc continuation coming from Starbuck and her knee injury... But as a Star Trek Enterprise fan? Then I just can't help but admit, that I've just always seemed to enjoy a decent filler episode, over a heavy-laden story arc one...

Right from the get go, I actually laughed out loud at a Battlestar Galactica episode, without the episode being the utter and absolute joke itself for once. Hearing Dr. Baltar dive right into his whole atheist diatribe, was just the perfect parody and tribute to university and college fucks all over the world... And honestly, even the first time I watched the episode, I still couldn't help but snicker at Dr. Baltar in the CIC, just looking right past Shelly Godfrey as everyone around him was telling him right to his face, that she was standing there right beside him... It's truly the simple things in television I treasure, afterall...

To be honest, the filler ep of Six Degrees of Separation was perhaps only six degrees separated from a true story arc episode. I mean, it did continue on with all the questions that were surrounding Dr. Baltar and all... First, the Cylons save his ass from Dr. Emmerich with the destruction of the Olympic. Then, they pretend to intend to blow up his Cylon detector with a suicide bomber. And here in this episode? They tear his reputation down, so that nobody would ever dare question his loyalty ever again. But really, why is he so important to the master Cylon plan?.. And even more to the point, I think Number Six had a lot of personal reasons for the whole fake-out as well... She seemed to want to save Gaius' immortal soul (or was that simply sarcasm?). And she really did seem to want him to finally admit, that he did indeed love her... evil bitches always fiddle and test their men, afterall...

It was nice to finally have a twist on the usual Baltar and Number Six sex antics. Finally there was some friction between the couple, as Godfrey screaming at him like a disgruntled spouse in the washroom, demonstrated with the greatest of comedic flair... This was definitely Number Six's best episode of the first season. Not only did she get to make Gaius' life a living hell, and got to look pretty damn hot stripping out of the blue and all at the end (in my nerdy opinion at least, of course...)... But she even got to give a sweet peck to Commander Adama on the lips. God, that blonde bitch in glasses is so damn horny... and as the no-name obsessed over here, how the hell could I not approve of that?...

And I don't know really, but besides The Hand of God? Six Degrees of Separation was probably the episode that really sold me on Baltar's character, and it's not hard to see why... It's kind of ironic, that he was guilty of genocide, yet being framed here for something he didn't commit. And his reactions were just priceless, going absolutely finicky and all panicky as he was too damn dumb to even shut off the damn computer with his incriminating face on it... Sure, people have complained before that Dr. Baltar is just a whiny, self-interested bitch, who got boring after the umpteenth sexcapade with Number Six and all. And when it came to his religion-believing shit later on in the season? I do agree... But here, in Six Degrees of Separation? C'mon, how could I not relate to the poor bastard, when he's so damn scared of pissing in his pants at the end, that he actually starts believing in God and his divine will? For a short moment, at least...

... afterall, God is merely a winter jacket to so many of us these days... we put him on, only when it gets cold outside...

... or her... we put on her... if you're talking about Cylons and their lost Raiders of the ark over here...

The B-plot centered around the Cylon fighter that Lt. Thrace had brought back a couple episodes ago. And while I never really liked how the Raider was used in later episodes, I still gotta admit that I was impressed with its comedic use in Six Degrees of Separation... Watching Tyrol muck about in that bloody hell mess at the start did lighten the mood up a bit, if only to see Cally outside smile her shy kind of smile... And honestly, which Asian geeks amongst us didn't get the slightest bit turned on, when they saw Galactica Boomer feel up that Cylon Raider, as if she was giving it head or something?... lucky damn bastard of a ship...

Hell, I even adored Caprican Boomer this episode. Even if she was fucking it up with Helo on the planet, she looked ever damn adorable with that face all wet and sweaty again while doing it all... I may have really hated where their storyline went with their condom-less sex in the future, but hey - we still got some damn fine Boomer horniness at least, both on the planet and on the ship... Though I don't see the point of writing "Cylon" on her mirror back home (unless that was Number Six, pulling a fraternity prank on an old Cylon friend and all)...

Apollo was barely in this episode, except for supporting Starbuck (literally) as she recovered in sickbay. Starbuck was barely there either, with her cliche story of her knee hurting too damn much to walk and all... I had thought that that C-class story was worthless the first time I watched it. But the second time around, the finer touches actually made even this story arc more enjoyable... The smug look on Col. Tigh's face was precious, when he both insulted and incited Starbuck at the very same time. The guy sure knows how to get a hell of a lot of satisfaction from his own reverse psychology... And the doctor? C'mon, he was smoking in sickbay again! And he refused to give Starbuck any more pills, since the ol' drugged up doc wanted them for himself. And who the hell wouldn't at least slight a small grin at the chin from that?...

Commander Adama got to get all sexed up by Number Six. And normally, I'd just find that icky, but she did look quite hot in those glasses of hers. Nice to know she left him a souvenir as well... Laura Roslin started her whole "drugs to ease the pain" and hallucinations sort of crap this episode. Luckily, none of those religious prophecies shit kicked in yet, so I was able to enjoy her character for what she was still worth... She was motherly supportive of Gaius over the phone, and brutally bitchy with him in the cell. Just like my real mom, she's kind and gentle and caring when you do nothing wrong, and your absolute worst bitch of a nightmare when you've been found guilty as charged... I loved the president's dual nature this episode. It at least made me temporarily forget about all that shitty ass cancer crap that I really could care less about in her character's near future...

If any main character is a Cylon, it's probably the president. Her whole prophetic, pathetic subplot is probably all conjured up by the Cylons looking for God or something... But even if she is a Cylon? She won't be discovered for a long time. So for the time being, Lt. Gaeta definitely is the more suspicious one... Any long time BSG watcher knows about what Gaeta 'might've' done in Kobol's Last Gleaming. But the bread crumbs definitely didn't just start there... I mean, why was he assigned to work on the Cylon detector in the first place? Why is he always so supportive of Dr. Baltar? Why does he never question the man? And in Six Degrees of Separation, why is it that Lt. Gaeta so easily exonerates his friend at the end?...

... and hell, even if Gaeta ain't a Cylon? Watching him squirm on the toilet this episode was strangely enough, definitely satisfactory enough...

... and seeing Number Six taking a one or a two?... I dunno, guess I am just plain goddam sick and all, but...

While Six Degrees of Separation of course will never match wits with the best of dramatic comedy, from shows like Buffy and Angel and Stargate, and hell, maybe even the odd Smallville episode or two...

... the thing is?... I still enjoyed Six Degrees of Separation in at least six different ways... from Gaius looking like a total doofus with Number Six right next to him in the CIC, all the way to his mocking of the name "Shelly Godfrey" when sex came to shove at the end...

... and yes, I definitely did enjoy all 69 different positions as well, might I add...

The script writing has always been great in Battlestar Galactica. I will never really dismiss the dialogue in a BSG script... And the acting performances are always amazing in the series. Because unlike pretty much every sci-fi, special effects-laden show still out there, the actors in BSG actually seem like they really do care about their fellow characters and the cataclysmic events surrounding themselves...

But Battlestar Galactica has always had problems with pacing... Battlestar Galactica has always have problems with subtlely, whether it has to do with sex or any other crap associated with this goddam Space Opera... And Battlestar Galactica has always had problems with plotlines, whether they be from goddam political bullshit, or goddam religious boredom...

I am not exactly in a good mood today... failing a fucking "easy" driving test will do that to most people...

Lucky enough for me, I hated Litmus the first time I watched it. So pissing all over it in my review has just got to bring me some sort of entertainment value in the end, now doesn't it?...

This episode was worthless... I liked the story a lot more when it had the title, "The Crucible", because at least that play had decent writing, and the movie had decently hot chicks and all...

But what the hell did Litmus have? A fucking generic witchhunt?... Here we go, with the fucking politics again. Whether you claim this episode has more to do with McCarthyism than it does with the modern day Patriot Act, I really don't care... I hate fucking politics in television series. And I'm certainly not in the mood right now to tolerate it here...

Litmus was perhaps one of the worst episodes in the first season of Battlestar Galactica, simply because really absolutely nothing happens this episode... The Aaron Cylon comes back on board, presumably acting as a suicide bomber to shake things up and cause paranoia. I mean, if the end of the world on Caprica was 9/11 for the Battlestar Galactica, then this was yet another terrorist attack on the USS Cole or some shit like that... And then naturally, all the bullheaded Americans on board (namely, the hick looking Sergeant woman, who wasn't even good enough looking to keep me distracted) all predictably went insane with their baseless accusations of everything and nothing...

It's hard to like these two characters this episode, when they have even less morals than Baltar seems to have... Galactica Boomer was just bitchy and insane. Instead of being genuinely afraid of being guilty for opening the hatch, like she felt about the explosives in Water, she completely acted this episode like all she wanted to do was get away from the Tribunal. She cared nothing for justice, which just didn't sit right with what we knew of the human side of her character...

In comparison (and probably on purpose), Caprican Boomer was a pure saint here. The two sides of a litmus test, I suppose... She got the shit beaten out of her by an overzealous Number Six for fun. And damn, can the girl act adorably irresistible, with blood all over her lucious lips and tears of sexual happiness in her eyes... Helo never stood a chance...

And Chief Tyrol? I liked when he took his right, or fief, or however you spell it to remain silent. The actor looked terrified out of his wits when he realized that all his engineers had lied to save his ass (and fucked him over because of it)... Tyrol showed great conviction when he was admitting his guilt and personal punishment to the Commander in a later scene. And yes, he even had a decent comedic moment, playing big brother when it came to his trio of engineers siphoning off some water from the pipes or some shit like that... But all because of a stupid bitch of a girlfriend, I really couldn't stand Tyrol this episode. I mean, just for once, maybe he should've admitted something about his girl, that maybe it would be at least safer to put her behind bars for a while or something?... How dumb can he be? First, he goes apeshit on her ass during their break-up, saying she ain't worth it. And then he keeps his mouth shut to the Commander for the rest of the entire damn season? Smart move there, Chief...

Some have hailed Commander Adama's speech at the end, about witchhunts and the Sergeant losing her way, as a godsend and a direct message to the American government of today... I for one, can't help but roll my eyes during his preaching however, as I've heard it all before. And I've heard it better, to be honest... Now, if I had to pick a good scene from Adama this episode, it was when he was confronted by Tyrol while playing with his toy ship. The Commander was truly badass in that one scene, realizing that the public needed a guilty name to be satisfied, while the Galactica still needed its chief engineer. A perfect solution then, to jail the bastard who lied in court... But besides that scene? Uggh... besides that one scene alone, Litmus was the absolute worst test of the actor's capabilities. Adama was stupid enough to agree to the tribunal in the first place, and then just looked bored with the results for the rest of the episode, in my honest opinion at least...

It's not like any of the other characters faired any better under the litmus test microscope... Col. Tigh at least got to play hero for once, showing a ton of respect for the Commander after the old man said he now owed him one... Laura Roslin made a few speeches here and there in front of the press, revealing to the public that the Cylons now look like humans. But she really didn't seem to care about any of it, as she seemed just so monotonous whenever she was talking over the phone with Commander Adama...

Was Lee in this episode? I already can't remember. But if he was, then good for him then, I guess... Starbuck just got to continue on with her broken knee story and all. She also got to flirt with Baltar, which was the direct continuation of another story arc that I really could've done without in this Space Opera...

And then there was Dr. Baltar, who surprisingly had so little to do with such a Cylon, paranoid-delusional heavy type of story. I seriously expected more from him, then just a Fight Club moment with Number Six in the hallway... It struck me as odd though, watching that scene a second time around. Why is Number Six and the Cylons in general, so adamant about making Baltar look like a hero? They send the Aaron Cylon clone, presumably to seem like he was going to bomb the doctor's laboratory (or actually do it... can't tell for now...). And when Gaius tried to weasel his way out of continuing the project? Number Six pussy whipped his spine into submission until the poor bastard finally agreed to her terms... But why is she so damn concerned? Why is it so important that he survive, and that he be the man in charge? Is it actually love, or does she "have a plan"... or whatever sort of crap like that...

Either way, I don't really care... I didn't when I first watched this episode, and I certainly don't now...

I sucked at litmus chemistry tests back in high school. Choosing between red and blue or whatever with my goddam colour blindness, was one of the fucking things I always failed back in the good ol' days...

I fucking hate failing. I fucking hated chemistry. And I fucking hate litmus tests...

Sure, Litmus as an episode is applicable to modern day North American society. Sure, it raises a hell's worth of questions when it comes to our own military and political administrations... But you see, why the fuck does it matter, when the episode is just so damn annoyingly blatant to watch, that it fucking hurts my head like a fucking sundae headache?...

Battlestar Galactica as a show, time and time again, continues to prove that it completely doesn't know the meaning of the word "subtlety"... if that is a word at least...

It beats us over the head with an ugly stick of sex. And it repeatedly nails us in the nuts, with it's fucking "Film Actors Guild", FAG of a migraine-inducing message...

Y2kk Update: - Battlestar Galactica: You Can't Go Home Again Review (Spoilers...) -

Compared to Act of Contrition at least? You Can't Go Home Again wasn't a bad episode...

Plotwise? Well, there really wasn't much of a story to tell... Kara is stranded on a deserted island of a planet, essentially. And the whole episode was devoted to all the pilots being too damn dumb to spot where the hell Kara had landed on the moon...

We got disputes over fuel supplies and damaged Vipers. We got a bit of a confrontation between the military and civilian sides of the government, with the latter side ironically reminding the former of their duty to protect the people... And we also got the lovely American mantra of leaving no-one behind. Which wouldn't have sounded so hypocritical, if the president hadn't reminded us of the 20000 or so people she chose to leave behind with a smile...

Yeah, You Can't Go Home Again was pretty bland plotwise, like a barren moon in the middle of space or something...

But if there was one reason why this episode at least was worth my hour of time to watch it? It was because, completely unlike Act of Contrition, the characters were finally acting like themselves once again...

Starbuck had most of the most boring of scenes, literally just staring at her O2 monitor while playing around with some Cylon's dead brain. If I could've skipped all those dusky scenes on the moon, I would've gladly... But while for 90% of the episode, I just rolled my eyes at her little broken leg and all, I do have to admit that she turned back into the good ol' Starbuck we knew and loved in the final act of the episode... It was nice to see how much she owned Lee in that cockpit, when it came to dazzling him with fancy flying in the Cylon chevy and all. And she showed none of her bitchiness that she did in Act of Contrition... instead, we got back the ever lovable, cigar totting Starbuck we always knew. Hell, she even got the Commander's last smoke and all, as a reward for actually being tolerable once more...

I'm hard pressed to choose Edward James Olmos' best performance in the Battlestar Galactica series so far. But even though I'm no real fan of You Can't Go Home Again, even I have to admit that Commander Adama truly did get a chance to shine this episode... He just had so many great scenes that it's impossible to mention them all. From relieving Col. Tigh from duty, or pissing all over Lt. Gaeta for assuming he would call the search off as the O2 timer hit zero... He had startling chemistry with Laura Roslin as well, as the poor man was finally bitch slapped into his senses by a speech from everyone's favourite school teacher turned presidential bitch... But absolutely Commander Adama's finest moment, was when his son asked him about what his father would do if Lee was the one gone missing. And it was absolutely touching to be honest, both Adama's line that "we would never leave", and the heart-breaking expression on Lee's face afterwards...

There's really only one thing that I can complain about when it comes to Commander Adama this episode... I was expecting a goddam Angel moment with the pillow, goddammit!... I was hoping that his kind, gentle, forgiving face after that tender kiss on the forehead, would turn into a murderous rampage with the pillow on Starbuck's big ass pillows or something. Suffocate the bitch out of her misery; she was used to the O2 deprivation, afterall... Or at least burn her with the fucking cigar, why don't you... But sigh, instead we just got the tender, loving, fatherly Commander that we always knew. I was disappointed that I didn't get a truly classic and unforgettable scene like we had gotten with Wesley in Angel, but hey... whatever... it was just one small blemish, on an absolutely captivating performance by absolutely the most brilliant actor the series has ever seen...

And if anything, You Can't Go Home Again was probably Lee Adama's best acting performance of the season as well. Because instead of talking crap politics with Tom Zarek, or scheming behind his father's back with his surrogate mother over civilian rights or crap like that, we finally got the space soldier Captain Adama we always used to know. With an added obsession of a crush on Starbuck, to boot... I've already mentioned all of Lee's stellar scenes with his father. The two of them nailed their roles so perfectly, that I think their performances truly speak for themselves... But probably one of the best Captain Adama moments in the entire first season, came when Starbuck was absolutely owning his ass in the Cylon Raider. Hearing Lee's expression of pure relief and happiness, when he saw the words "Star" and "Buck" painted on the hull of the enemy ship, is only rivaled by his brilliant performance in The Hand of God... Just the sheer excitement in his voice, when he commented that the Raider was flying with "some serious attitude", was definitely a quote and moment to behold...

And pretty much every character got something decent to do in You Can't Go Home Again... Chief Tyrol got to tell the Cylon Raider that its ass now belonged to him. Meanwhile, Dualla got to look cute on camera at least, and Lt. Gaeta got pussy whipped by the Commander whenever he tried to open his frakkin' mouth...

I don't remember if Galactica Boomer did anything of consequence. But at least Caprican Boomer faked her own capture, which started moving the Helo plotline somewhere at least... Col. Tigh put in a decent performance as well, standing tall and firm and straight, and actually having friction with the old man Adama for once... He took his relief from duty with stride and pride, and you gotta respect the man for that...

Dr. Baltar's story arc really didn't go anywhere. But seriously, his lone scene must've been absolutely one of the most hilarious to shoot in the entire history of television making... Having Number Six all sexed up in blue on a table like that, riding Baltar's crotch and licking his fingers, as President Roslin just looks on with a pen in her hand and bored expression on her face? I seriously can't even begin to imagine how many takes of that scene the actors would've needed to pull off, just for shits and giggles... as it truly turned into one of the most memorable Gaius Baltar scenes in the entire season as well...

President Roslin sort of threw me off this episode. She was motherly with Lee Adama over the phone, counseling him over the Starbuck situation like some high school councilor would. And then as soon as she stepped onto the Galactica ship, she became the queen bitch when it came to motherly and spousal nagging, I assume... But somehow, it all worked out in the end for her though. Sure, I would've liked to bitch slap and fuck that frakkin' smile off her face when Starbuck was rescued. But I tend to feel that way when it comes my own mom too from time to time... well, the bitch slapping part at least, and hopefully not the fucking part. And maybe not the bitch slapping part either, but I digress...

Like I said, I really only have great things to say about every actor, actress and character in You Can't Go Home Again. It was simply one of Commander and Captain Adama's best performances in the entire first season of Battlestar Galactica, and had decent if not entertaining moments from every single other member of the cast and crew...

... it's just that?... I dunno, but the damn episode was still just so damn boring in the end, regardless of all the great acting performances...

The script was alright. But the pacing was just too damn slow... with so many goddam scenes of Starbuck just sucking on some O2 cock in a cockpit and all...

It's kind of a shame really, that Ron Moore wasted so much unforgettable character potential, on a truly forgettable episode in the end...

Ron Moore and his band of cohorts, just can't go home again... not without an act of contrition, at least...

... and not without sleeping with one eye open, for screwing up such a potentially great episode once more...

Act of Contrition was just one sad ass excuse for goddam bad acting... and goddam bad storytelling, really...

I mean seriously, WTF was with the opening moments? I know that accidents happen all the time in the military, but it just looks so damn dumb for pilots to be spinning around in wagons and playing with goddam red paint, when there's a war for survival going on with their entire damn species out there... I know accidents will always happen, but having some missile or something break off from its hinges? What the fuck kind of lame ass safety checks has Chief Tyrol been doing for the past three days or whatever, with nothing to do but fucking ponder over the survival of the goddam human race?...

It just felt so weird, you know? After every single episode of Battlestar Galactica feeling so solemn and depressed, Act of Contrition just opens up with this completely, slap-happy montage of an moment... It literally felt so out of place, that I thought I was watching some ancient flashback scene or something. Until we got saddled with the real god-awful flashback scenes, of Starbuck playing with goddam primitive Hummers in the past, and Lt. Thrace humming it up to the sound of atmospheric fire all around her cockpit...

... well, at least she didn't look bad as Zack was eating her out... that's one thing the episode got right, at least...

Act of Contrition did the Star Trek thing, centering on one central character instead of everybody at once. And it just weakened both the episode and the series as a whole by taking the chance in doing so... Billy, Dualla, Lt. Gaeta, and pretty much every recurring character was simply not recurring here. And the new characters they did introduce were completely forgettable... Except for Hot Dog at least, since he looks and sounds so much like goddam Ben Affleck in the cockpit in the end, but that's besides the point...

Laura Roslin at least got that great comic relief moment with the doctor smoking cigarettes. But I've never cared for her character when it comes to her cancer crap, and I certainly wasn't going to start now... Her right hand scientific man, Dr. Gaius Baltar, was only in one frickin' scene. That just can't be right, and yet that's how it turned out to be... Sure, he sniveled out of some Cylon Detection project crap yet again, but besides those one or two lines of his? Hell, even Number Six didn't show up for once. Which was both a relief and complete waste of potential at the same damn time... I don't even remember what Galactica Boomer did, besides ironically sit beside Baltar as he was talking about his human Cylon detector. And as for Caprican Boomer? For the first time ever, even she was a waste of space... We didn't get to see her naked, or even wet from the nuclear rain. Instead, she took a bite out of some dead guy's food (a person she probably killed herself), and flirted around with Helo instead of goddam calling me back...

Lee Adama did have a couple of decent moments at least. I still have the freeze-frame somewhere on my computer of his bulging eyes when he stupidly enough, admits Kara's guilt to his father. I guess I could relate to him then and there, always being the big mouth caught in the deer lights myself and all... I suppose that Act of Contrition also had some decent chemistry between him and Starbuck. The painting scene at the start was just embarrassing, but when the two were clashing over dismissing all the students? I dunno, but the two of them breathing down each other's necks and throats here and there, just seemed like a cheesy enough moment for the two to jump each other and finally get on with some more naked Starbuck scenes... I don't know if Zack would've approve of his brother taking his fiancee and all. But hey, the Gods of Kobol demand that we need more naked Starbuck scenes, so why the hell not?...

Alas, the flow of the episode was just plain jarring, with all the flashback scenes mucking up the place and all... Now, I didn't mind the battle against the Cylon Raiders near the end. It's always nice to see some sixth man guy with no last name get his ass kicked in battle, as the Galaxy Quest-looking guy did as the wingman... But I certainly could've done without all the flash-bang scenes of Kara ejecting from her cockpit. It was like Ron Moore took a page out of Alias' footnotes section or some crap like that, which was definitely not a smart decision in my blog of a book... And seriously, while the respect and reverence she showed Commander Adama when they first met was telling, I was still just bored out of my mind with all the Zack flashbacks in the end. Maybe it was just the lame music or something, but even I would've chosen to fast forward through the funeral scene...

I was really bored out of my frakkin' teeth throughout this slow ass, melodramatic, teen angst of an excuse of a television show...

There was only one decent scene in the entire episode of Act of Contrition. Obviously, the moment when Kara reveals the truth about Zack to Commander Adama... I gotta admit, the tears literally jerking at her chin were utterly precious. The actress nailed the role so perfectly, as she confessed her sins and mentally broke down for the first time ever on the show... And Cmdr. Adama in that scene was at his very damn best, threatening Kara's life unless she walked right out of there while she still could. He is truly the definition of a fatherly badass who beats his children senseless. And it was such a welcome relief to not have some fuzzy, warm resolution between the two of them at the end of the episode... She may be like a daughter to him. But daughters can definitely be bitches at times... and sometimes, a badass man needs to beat some sense into her daughter through the ass...

... sadly, I'd pay to see that... if it was the old, simple, naked Kara we were seeing instead...

That's the thing though... First, Kara was just a star-studded pilot who smoked cigars. Then she was a marine elite sniper... And now she's the best, most hardass flight instructor left in the fleet?...

Couple that insanity with the fact that instead of getting the cool, witty Starbuck that we're so used to... we got the pissy one without Tampax here, or some sort of crap like that?...

... and add in the fact, that except for Commander Adama? Every single actor suffered from the overuse of boring flashback scenes, wasting all the time this episode without even showing enough naked Starbuck for the show's own good...

... and hopefully an apology from the writers, for making this goddam episode in the first place...

Kinda appropriate, perhaps... That I'm reviewing Battlestar Galactica's Bastille Day episode, on D-day itself...

What the fuck was Ron Moore's problem when made this episode? It was like some bad flower power, flock of seagulls shit from the 60's and 70's or something. It was cliche at best, and just a total waste of time at the worst...

You had Billy, the naive college motherfucker, who thought he was being special by standing up for the oppressed peoples of the known worlds. Even if he didn't have a fucking clue what was really going on... And then you had Dualla, true to her dual natured name, as she played the 'oppressed' person who didn't feel oppressed at all. Like a black, rich, and kinda hot girl working downtown in a New York office. At least I could stand her then, if she wore a short skirt and all...

Commander Adama was barely in the episode at all. And when he was, he simply gave eye rolling speeches about choosing sides to his son, a comment echoed at the very end of the episode as well, as if I and my crappy writing skills had generated the script for Bastille Day or some crap like that... Laura Roslin simply went on her cancer binge in Bastille Day. I forget if this was the episode with the smoking doctor and all, but if it wasn't? Then it was really a waste of the president's time... Now, I'm not so sure why she seemed so hesitant to call for free elections in 7 months, considering that technically was the law. And she's always seemed to love the law, so... I guess she just didn't like negotiating with terrorists, or at least with Tom Zarek. But either way, she was a MILF on PMS this episode around, as far as I could tell...

Politics, politics, and more goddam politics. Could Ron Moore beat us over the head with a scepter stick anymore than he did this episode?... Now, I don't technically mind all the more subtle references to modern day, worldly crap. Having terrorists who rally the oppressed for political or religious beliefs, while actually having ulterior and much more selfish motives, isn't something I have a problem with on screen... But seriously, every single one of Apollo's and Tom Zarek's little rants to each other had me rolling my eyes at the sheer stupidity of it all... Talk about friggin, frakkin' speecifying here. I can basically sum up the entire script of the episode as Apollo saying, "you just want to be a martyr!" And Tom Zarek saying, "I'm doing it for the Rock! I'm doing it for the people!"...

I hated Apollo this episode. Lee sucked up big time to Tom Zarek, both with the college campus book speech, and giving into the demands as well... Technically though, I did like the resolution to the episode. While Tom Zarek was once again putting the blame of his psychotic followers' behaviour on society and not themselves, Apollo managed to calm down the situation with a loaded gun and a cheap ass speech about free elections. Kickass action, with a cute little moral for the kids. But that didn't save the rest of the episode from all the other crap I had already found in it...

WTF was with Starbuck this episode? She seemed completely out of place, making jokes as the CAG in charge. Sure, that's her style at poker games, but it just seemed so out of place when it came to running things in charge... And WTF is with her marine training? Why the hell would she be the only sniper on board the Galactica? I really didn't get a single damn thing to do with her character this episode...

Boomer was barely featured as well. Which is no wonder why this episode licked donkey balls, as far as I'm concerned... Her story was just a direct continuation of Water's, in which Galactica Boomer relied on Tyrol's stupidity yet again to hide, and Caprican Boomer got to feel up Helo some more times for some future hot, Cylon sex. But why on earth the entire Caprican city was left intact after a nuclear holocaust, I'll never know...

Tyrol got to have a cute moment in bed with Kaley, or whatever that little girlish engineer is called. At least she had a moment this episode though, biting off the inmate's ear, just like every bitch does to a man when one of us starts to not listen... Dr. Baltar only had a scene or two himself. But at least he made his moments stand out from the rest, with the start of his Cylon detection story and all. For once, he actually tried to do the right thing, admitting that he was stalling on the whole project and all... But just like any good bitch would, Number Six snapped that wussy spine right in place, pussy whipped her man, and actually gave him the secret to detecting Cylons in the end. And to be honest? Seeing the look on Gaius' face when he uttered the words, "nuclear warhead", was perhaps the only decent moment in the entire episode of Bastille Day...

Though I will admit one other decent thing as well - Bastille Day was Col. Tigh's best episode in the series to date. He finally acted like the XO, dressing down Starbuck's cockiness in the flight room, and making a point to Lt. Valerii about her relationship with the Chief... And at the same time, he also gave real meaning to his comment, "my faults are personal, yours are professional", when he was refusing Kara's apology at the end. I mean, for once the Colonel's drunkenness was not only readily apparent, but kinda funny as well. His reactions to the water conference at the start, at least gave the episode some semblance of comic relief... though Bastille Day as a total episode was kind of a bit of a joke...

Because in the end? Bastille Day was nothing more than just a shitty, crappy episode in my opinion, trying to seem all high and mighty in terms of enlightening its audience with pure, unadulterated crap... I would call it a filler episode, except Tom Zarek does return in full force in later episodes, as the wannabe Apollo actor that he is...

I'm sure there's some redeeming qualities about this episode. I'm just not going to bother looking for them, that's all...

Bastille Day may have been a major contributor to the overall story arc of Battlestar Galactica as a series. In terms of military power and the goddam Patriot Act, over the rights and freedoms of a free society of democratic people at least...

But to be honest?... Today, over Bastille Day, I'd rather just watch some old D-Day footage, if I really wanted to recap a real political commentary, that doesn't beat me over the head with a goddam frakkin' stick...

I've reiterated at least a dozen times by now (or at least, once...), that as a series? Battlestar Galactica ain't half bad...

... but for the most part? It just doesn't stand tall... when it comes to standalone episodes, that is...

But Water is one of those few exceptions out there in deep space... It still stands as perhaps one of the only single episodes of Battlestar Galactica, that both excels in plot and character development within the same damn hour...

I've always wondered about the situation with water supplies in space, and it was nice to know that a scifi series actually used it as the main focus for once... A lot of things happened in Water that had huge ramifications later on the series. Riots started breaking out on civilian ships, and military forces were brought in to keep the peace... And to me, this fine line between civilian rights and military control? The subtlety of it in Water was much better executed than in any of the later episodes, where the writers literally hit you over the head with an ugly stick over their goddam George Bush, Patriot Act morals and laurels...

Character wise, Water seems to get a rise out of every single actor and actress on the set. This was the episode that pretty much hyperlight jump-started every real space opera relationship to come in the first season, for better or worse in some cases...

Commander Adama was back to being his soft-hearted, badass self again. I loved the tone of his voice when he was telling his son that leaders must live with the consequences of their actions... But the real Adama moments were actually far more subtle than that one, simply because Water was the true start of all the potential stuff he may have one day with the president. I mean, he threw the big ol' bash on Galactica for her, just so she could feel more welcome... Then he even gave her a book (that was now one of the last in the known universe), in a rather touching moment. And he did it all in a way, that screamed out, "yeah, I'm a softie - but I'm a badass playa' as well"...

It was nice to feel the contrast between Laura Roslin's and the commander's speeches to Lee, about a leader regretting the things that he's done. She speaks with Apollo in such a motherly, loving school teacher way, that it's almost impossible to hate the ol' gal on drugs and cancer... I was also quite impressed with the actress. From her quick throwaway speech on the Galactica, you could tell she was becoming more president like. Her voice was so much more firm and commanding than it was in the miniseries, that I can't help but give props to the actress... And hell, she even had and still has chemistry with Commander Adama. Sure, they threw it all potentially away at the end of the first season, when the father and surrogate mother battle over the love of their son... But for now? She really gave a sweet, parting look whenever she glanced over to the commander. It helped make Water as an episode just feel so much more like... I dunno?... home...

Lee was useless though. He just whined about his actions against the Olympic Carrier, while Starbuck didn't care one damn bit... Tigh just measured his alcoholic beverages in terms of fingers. Although it was nice to know that at least he wasn't going to go all soft with the sob stories on us once more... Now, Starbuck was barely used either, except when it came to starting her whole eventual fling with Dr. Baltar. Their card game was decent though; much better than it was in the miniseries at least, since at least the shaky cam didn't make me dizzy this time around... And Baltar was a slippery one in Water, wasn't he? His eccentric and whacked out behaviour when asked about Cylon screenings was just perfect. He squirmed his way out of a terse situation yet again, by just being given the benefit of the doubt of being the resident genius on board...

And you gotta love that question that Number Six asked him. I wish I could remember the first women besides my mother that I lied to... and then slept with...

But if there was one thing I loved about Water? It was that Sharon truly came in her own, as absolutely the best (or at least, the most insidious) villain I've seen in scifi television in a very long time...

Galactica Boomer in all due respects, is a pure sleeper agent. She woke up all wet to the sound of a thousand drooling Asian boys at their television screens. And she didn't seem to remember a thing... Her Cylon model is extremely crafty, it seems. Not only is she programmed to act perfectly human, and even capable of everything we consider to be love. But her conscious self was programmed with all the selfish shit that we humans have, to actually aid her Cylon self as well... The human side of Boomer hid herself from the authorities out of fear that she'd been executed as a Cylon. Why on earth there are no security cameras on the ship, I may never know, but... All I do know, is that even with the ridiculous comment, "I'm having... trouble... saying... it..."? And even after almost suicide bombing herself? She still wouldn't give herself up... And hell, she even used her love for Chief Tyrol in her favour. She used their relationship to get him to do all the clean-up dirty work for her (which would come into play later on in the season as well)...

But it's Caprican Boomer that's the most conniving of them all... Water was the start of the Helo and Sharon relationship. And as long as it keeps raining nuclear water on Caprican Boomer's hair? Then I approve of this plotline... This Boomer fully knows she's a Cylon, yet she acts perfectly human anyways, to get Helo to fuck her in the ass. And the thing is, later on in the season? Some on the net still think that this Boomer defected over to the human side, but that ain't true at all... She may think she defected over, just like Galactica Boomer thinks she's human. But really, being a 'good' Cylon carrying Helo's child later on? It's just yet another way that the Sharon models can manipulate us human men in a thousand different ways, without even knowing it themselves... and with us lovin' every single moment of it, of course...

... because I sure as hell wouldn't mind getting fucked by a hot ass, evil bitch...

And I don't know, I just can't help but feel that Water was one of the few decent, single episodes in the entire first season of Battlestar Galactica so far... To be honest, if I had to rank episodes off the top of my head? Then this one would be placed right under Hand of God... not that there's much other competition out there, mind you...

And since 33 sucked so badly? I count Water as the true start of the first season of Battlestar Galactica...

I mean, really. It's an episode with plenty of scenes of Grace Park, wet all over with water...

"33" is kind of the odd ball of the Battlestar Galactica series... I mean, as perhaps the only real episode of the first season that was more plot driven than character centric?... then yeah, 33 does kinda feel like the bastard child of the Battlestar Galactica group...

All the plot consisted of this episode, was endless shots of crew members looking completely tired with their eyes wide shut... There were really no space battles to speak of, or carefully plotted tension to care about. Every single shot of the Cylon Base Stars seemed like just a rehashed CG copy of what we saw in the miniseries... I suppose the idea of a Cylon attack exactly every 33 minutes wasn't such a bad idea when it comes to 24-style suspense. But really, it opens up the question... why the number 33?... from a logical point of view, it made no sense. Why would tracking that Olympic ship or the fleet take exactly 33 minutes every single time?...

... or are we supposed to get some crackpot religious significance out of the numbers three and three combined?...

For better or worse, 33 reintroduced the Cylons not as mindless killing machines, but as evangelists with purpose. The thing is though, I've always hated the Cylons because of just how goddam, religiously annoying they are... What are they supposed to be? Terrorists or born again Christians, I really can't tell... I'm a Catholic, but I just can't stand preaching like this. Not really sure why, but... From everything that Number Six whispered in Baltar's ear this episode, you really get the impression that the poor Cylons want to go to heaven or something. They want to have babies with humans, so that their children will have souls... Both Number Six and Caprica Boomer would end up at basically the same damn spot when the season would end - with human children, as all was going according to plan... so at least, 33 was important to the lords of Kobol in that retrospect at least...

Commander Adama was still decent, playing the old man who was feeling so tired he couldn't even remember his own bed time... He just wasn't badass, you know? I don't pay to watch a captain just keep blinking constantly at some countdown screen every 33 seconds or so... Even his big decision, to wipe out the Olympic carrier at the end, didn't feel powerful or even his own decision actually. He seemed pussy whipped by the president, as Laura Roslin seemed to take up most of the screen time...

The thing is though, while I enjoyed how the school teacher turned president was so motherly naive in the miniseries pilot episodes, she was just sort of blankly there in 33... I guess that was kind of the point, considering she had been awake for 130 hours by that point in time. But really, all she did was try to look all concerned as she played around with some elementary school black board in the back of the room... And that comment about a baby being born? Really damn cheesy. About as cheesy as all the religious fundamental crap in this episode, mind you...

Col. Tigh was just there again. Once again, he did show great respect and reverence for the commander, even giving up his 10 minutes of rest and fame for the old man. However, I despised his little speech about feeling alive and sober for once. The last thing the show needed, was an alcoholic anonymous on board with no backbone...

Lee and Starbuck shared a moment over stim packs. That was probably the only real comic relief this episode... But besides that, what did the two even do? Sure, they beat the shit out of a helpless, little, nuclear-arms carrying Olympic Carrier. But who the hell cares?... They did their job, and they did what they had to do. Sure, they feel bad about firing on a civilian craft that may or may not have had 13000 people on board... But didn't Lee just tell the president to leave behind 10000 people in the miniseries or something? Why bitch about what happened in 33, rather than in that episode instead? Because he fired the trigger on a kamikaze run?...

Gaius Baltar was once again in the limelight of being a complete sleezeball. His constant moments back in Vancouver with Number Six were grating, as the music in those scenes really gets on the nerves... But I did enjoy at least how yet again Baltar lucked out, most likely thanks to the Cylons positioning him up the social ladder in the Battlestar Galactica fleet... I mean, was it any real coincidence that Dr. Emmerich on board the Carrier just happened to die on the very hyperlight jump before he was gonna expose Gaius for what he was? If the Cylons had infiltrated that ship, they probably decided to kill two birds with one stone... They probably hit Emmerich over the hit with a rock, and then let Number Six make Baltar look like a hero, by making him be the first to realize that the Olympic Carrier was the ship that the Cylons were tracking all along...

But probably the only character to truly stand out in 33, was of course everyone's favourite Boomer... Back on the Galactica, she wasn't used much except for a few moments proving that indeed, she was a Cylon (and not just a human with a Cylon clone). She barely felt tired after 240 Hyperlight jumps. And you gotta love Starbuck's little throwaway line, that Boomer in the Raptor has just got to be a Cylon because of it...

Most of the Helo scenes back on Caprica were a bore. How on earth he didn't figure that Number Six was a Cylon until 10 episodes down the road, I may never know... But at least Boomer (or a copy of her) came back to play sex things with him, obviously programmed to make babies with him until kingdom doth come... And I dunno, maybe because she's evil or a dominatrix or whatever (as we Chinese nerds do love our overbearing, Asian girls...) or something, but Caprica Boomer was always so much more appealing to me than the one on the ship...

It started the whole Cylon religious thing that I've always hated. And except for Boomer, it really didn't have any character defining moments that I actually liked...

And hell, considering the events of 33 (with the Cylon chase on all) were essentially never mentioned in the series again?...

... even though 33 was a direct continuation of the BSG miniseries, right from where it left off?...

... somehow still, the episode just didn't feel like it really fit in with the rest of the series as a whole...

Hell, it doesn't even have a proper name. What the fuck kind of fucked up name is "33" anyhew?...

Y2kk Update: - Battlestar Galactica 2003: The Mini Series (Parts 1 & 2) Reviews (Spoilers...) -

... Star Trek Enterprise is gone with the wind... and so are my usual, Star Trek Friday reviews...

... but Ron Moore's spiritual successor is still alive and kicking... with huge critical acclaim to boot...

I started watching Battlestar Galactica quite a while ago, since Enterprise haters all over the net labeled the BSG series as what the Star Trek series "should" be now, or should become... and why?...

... well, in this bloody and broody, teen angst day and age, isn't it obvious?...

... the series is dark, and disturbed, and "mature"... it's driven by sex and all things that all the generic dramas on television today excel at so damn generically well...

More importantly, the original Battlestar Galactica series back in the 70's and 80's was in many ways a lot like modern day Trek...

Battlestar Galactica 2003: The Miniseries was a complete reboot for the series, as if the original never happened...

... of course, there was a huge outcry of pain and suffering and death threats from the lingering fan support of the original series... but their numbers had dwindled so small over the past two decades, that hardly anyone outside of the net even noticed a whimper...

... and while Battlestar Galactica's first season really was one of the better sci-fi shows I've seen on television in the past decade or so?

The biggest critics of Battlestar Galactica all cite how damn obsessed the series is with sex. And right off the bat in the miniseries, it's kinda obvious that the critics are right on the money in this retrospect at least... I mean, Number Six just boards the peace space station, and starts making out with some random guy as the place is blown to hell? WTF?... It honestly made no sense. And it just looks stupid now, looking back at the series opener after watching the whole of the first season...

I admit, I did enjoy the Battlestar Galactica miniseries for what it was worth. It just wasn't the pinnacle of sci-fi television like some critics would like to vouch for it as or whatnot...

I do admit, I do love the music in the series... Now, sometimes, there's just such a wild variety of epic and folk tunes throughout a single episode, that it's like the score composers don't even have a clue what to pick, so they just use it all... But still, you gotta love the battle drums droning during aerial dogfights. And every time I hear a little bit of Celtic? I dunno, but my eyes just glaze up like Krispy Kreme donuts... too bad I hate Krispy Kreme donuts, mind you...

Some people like to argue that the series is artistic like an indie film, with all its shaky cam footage and all the camera angles it has that shows like Star Trek Enterprise have never dared to try... While I admit that I do like their 'shaky cam' simulated footage in space, with all the zoom in's and out's and all, I still have to admit that the show freakin' and frakkin' gets on my nerves with just how much they overdose on their shaky camera shots on the Galactica ship... It's overkill really. It does create a good atmosphere most of the time, but it also distracts and detracts from everything going around the camera from time to time as well...

... although at least the camera does one thing right... it always highlights and spotlights the characters on board...

BSG is the pure personification of a "Space Opera". In which the technology and even the alien races take a back seat to the soap opera lives of the characters. As hell, there aren't even really aliens in the new Battlestar series... The technology onboard the Galactica remarkably looks a lot like a modern submarine from the 80's, with huge ass phones with cords and no networked computers in any areas. And to be honest, I was surprised that the series made sense of it at all, as it's no small feat to make something as huge as the Battlestar Galactica ship feel natural with little primitive computer screens all around it... but I suppose Ron Moore did it, with his evil, seductive, soap operaish Cylons to the rescue...

The first half of the Battlestar Galactica miniseries just plain sucked though. I'm sorry, but it did...

Now, I didn't mind the parts where the Galactica was getting ready to be mothballed into a museum. We got a lot of classic scenes from Commander Adama from that at least. But every single scene dealing with the Cylons and the attack on earth, was just piss poor sci-fi to me at best...

I mean seriously, did the humans have to look that damn dumb?... I know that the Cylons created trojan back doors in Gaius Baltar's navigation programming and all, but seriously - why the fuck did they seem to network every single computer on their Battlestar ships with seemingly wifi capabilities, as if they didn't remember that the Cylons could just hack their way through everything in the original war?... And action wise, I was definitely disappointed in the first half of the miniseries. The nuke impacting on the Galactica wasn't bad, and the volley of missiles against the powered down Mark VII squadron wasn't terrible to watch either... But everything else, from the Cylon Raider attack against the Mark II's, to the eye-rolling "cliffhanger" moment with the EMP shockwave at the end, just made the series feel 'cheap' to me in terms of everything I love about scifi, from first impressions at least...

If there's one thing I couldn't stand about the Battlestar Galactica miniseries, it was all the sentimental, end of the world crap that got in the way... Now, I admit that I loved the space scene overlooking the nuking of Caprica. But all the little news casts of the attacks on Caprican cities just felt rushed in the end, as having the entire world end in one hour or less of showtime just didn't seem to work out in the end... And when it came to the truly bullshit sentimental parts, with Chief Tyrol having to sacrifice his men to the fire, and that stupid ass little girl looking Sixth Sense evil as she was left behind?... Hell, I actually cheered when she died, because I can't stand little children trying to look cute and innocent and failing miserably in front of the camera...

And hell, even when Helo was left on Caprica by his own choice, all I did was wave goodbye at him with a smile. Afterall, I didn't predict he'd become a decent character in the end... and I couldn't help but laugh at how Dawn of the Dead stupid the whole scene looked, with nukes going off in the background, and desperate people trying to climb back onto the Raptor spacecraft...

The second part of the Battlestar Galactica miniseries was much better overall, considering it didn't feel as rushed as having the end of the world end in 30 minutes flat. The second half definitely left a lot more time to character development, and opened the door up to the real relationships we would really see in the 13-episode first season... I really didn't like the Ragnor or whatever munitions depot scenes though. That 'arms dealer' Cylon guy there, whatever his name was, really dragged down the tense pace that the series had built up until that point. But his revelation and death set up the 'who's a commie Cylon' arc of the first season almost perfectly when it was all said and done, so I guess Adama kicking ass and taking names had some sort of purpose afterall...

Action wise, I didn't mind the frantic hyperlight jumps at the end. Especially since the Battlestar's suppression fire did look damn cool... Still, I wasn't impressed with the fighter action even then, as all it consisted of was random pilots getting blown to bits, and Starbuck saving the day... It wouldn't be until the Hand of God episode aired that I would finally be impressed with what was going on in space, but that's a review for another day...

I don't technically enjoy the plotlines in Battlestar Galactica. It moves as slowly as a soap opera, with the entire miniseries taking place in just a single day. And I can't say I enjoy the villains of the story either, as the Cylons are more suffocating with their breats as pillows, than they are threatening. But I'll talk about that another day...

But absolutely what hooks me and about everyone else onto the Battlestar Galactica series, are obviously the characters of this space opera unfolding...

Edward James Olmos was an absolute perfect choice for Commander William Adama. He alone makes the series into something worthwhile to watch every week, as he is perhaps the best damn captain in space since at least Jean-Luc Picard... He was a bit weak in the first half of the miniseries though, murmering his retirement speech and going all wuss like when it came to Lee, his son. Although I think Apollo's overacting in those scenes was more to blame... But still, all I care about, is that once the Cylon war started? Adama instantly became the star of the show, becoming the most badass captain I think I've ever seen...

This is the kind of guy you may not like in charge, but need to have in charge to survive. Adama is the kind of commander who makes all the hard decisions, and refuses to back down from his choices. He knows what he has to do, and he does it. And the actor just does it so perfectly on camera... Whether it was drilling down Chief Tyrol when it came to Col. Tigh's order to sacrifice his men, or whether it was the heart-breaking, silent hug he gave his son when he first saw that he was still alive, Edward James Olmos just owned the screen for every single moment he was on it...

Apollo may have turned out to be a decent character by the end of the first season, but he was just an ass in the premiere... The actor completely overacted his early scenes when it came to Zack's death. And in the second half, he had his ass carried by touching moments with Adama, and a few nice lines of comic relief with Starbuck... I guess Lee Adama was always meant to be a bit of a stiff, just like his old man. But he was just so over-the-top boring at times in the miniseries, that it seriously wasn't funny. He bordered on schizophrenic really, with how bastardized he was in the first half, and how 'prodigal-son'-like he was in the second... It all worked well for the series' character arc as a whole, but Apollo and his character development just doesn't feel natural in the miniseries at least...

Starbuck definitely got her fair share of classic moments in the miniseries, but none that made me like her at the time at least... We got to hear about how great of a fighter pilot she was. Surprisingly though, that never really felt real to me until after she couldn't fly anymore in the first season... And I'm sure the space poker scene would've been decent, if the camera rotations didn't make me feel dizzy or some shit like that... Comedy is the one thing that the series has yet to get right, not even once. But if any character in the series is capable of pulling off the good lines with comic relief, it's Starbuck... She definitely did have chemistry with Lee (even if her 'superior asshole' lines did roll my eyes at times), and her daughterly relationship with Adama was definitely in full bloom... You could see the potential in her character in the miniseries. But for the two or three hours that were shown at the time? She still seemed too one-dimensionally, a female hardass for her own good...

Colonel Tigh's only decent moment, was when Starbuck refused his offer to wipe the slate clean with him... I mean, besides that? We knew that he was a drunk, and we learned that he has a wife that hates him... We also learned that he's rather unsure of himself, seemingly only in his XO position since he's such good friends with Adama... But the thing is, if there's one thing the actor nailed right on the dot? It was how much respect he always showed the captain... The two just had a feel to them, of both being such long time friends. The series may never show how they became best buds in the first place. But there was just something about their acting together, that made me believe this two were inseparable, no questions asked... if that sounds good, at least...

President Laura Roslin provided the best 'unintentional' (I think) comic relief of the miniseries, being the school teacher turned president (as Adama yelled over the phone). And personally, I find it ridiculous how the show tried in its first season to keep talking about democracy vs martial law, when there are only 50 000 humans left in the known galaxy, in a race for species survival (why the hell the military shouldn't run things then, I'll never know)...

Still, the ID4 actress who plays the president here, was definitely the second best actor on the show next to Adama. I may not have enjoyed a single scene of hers when it dealt with her cancer, but I just love that condescending, motherly voice she uses whenever she gives orders to people around her... She talks like a fairy godmother really, and you could hear so many hints in her voice that she really has no clue what she's doing. And yet her speeches were so unwavering as well, even when it came to arguing against Adama for Apollo's love and loyalty... She definitely showed the first few sparks of chemistry with Adama, and a backbone as well when it came to being the boss (and when it came to bribes, regarding Adama's promise to find the so-called planet "Earth"... yeah right, as if that exists...). The militant in me just rolls my eyes everytime she talks about war and politics as if she was teaching in an elementary school class, and yet?... and yet, that's what made her character truly unique and great throughout the series as a whole so far...

Dr. Gaius Baltar eventually turns out to be my hero of the series, considering I can't help but relate to a supposed genius who really doesn't know a damn thing... He has no guilt, no conscience, and only has his self interests at heart. Plus, he's horny as hell... How the hell could I not relate to this guy then?...

... but he truly had a horrible introduction to the series. All his scenes on Caprica (the Tollan homeworld from SG-1, as they filmed it) with Number Six were a complete bore. And while watching him squirm in front of Lt. Gaeta while Six was probing his brain and anal ass was rather indecent fun, the sex fest between him and her in his brain eventually did get boring throughout the first season as a whole... The one thing that I did love about Baltar in the miniseries though, was the McCarthy kind of panic he showed when it came to naming the human Cylon on board... The first time I watched the miniseries, I was sure that Aaron the Cylon guy was a normal human, as he really seemed to act like one when he was locked behind bars (and Gaius just ignored his every plea... gotta love that)... and yet?... Gaius turned out to be... right?... Huh?...

He's one lucky son of a bitch... Either Number Six planted a subconscious thought into his head, telling him who the real Cylon was (so that Baltar could move up the hierarchy ladder on the ship)? Or Dr. Gaius Baltar really is a supposed genius to the outside world, who may think that he's a complete and cowardly moron, but actually is a supreme genius on the inside...

And there were just so many characters introduced for the series in the miniseries, that even I have to admit that the pilot alone put to shame most of the character development that happened throughout the entire four season run of Star Trek Enterprise...

Billy and Dualla just hit it off for no apparent reason whatsoever. But hey, Dualla is cute, and Billy is naive as hell. So at least they provide a nice, innocent backdrop of a contrast to pretty much every other character on the ship... Lt. Gaeta was basically just there too, but he provided a brilliant scene with Baltar at least. Seeing the contrast in Gaeta's face against the look of fear-stricken panic (and not guilt) in Gaius' wily demeanor? Not to mention the fact that that scene must've been fun as hell to film, with Number Six sexing up the doctor's lap in front of Gaeta's serious face, but I digress...

Chief Petty Office Tyrol was just plain annoying in this episode, which is why I still call him 'generic Jaffa SG-1 soldier from Redemption Part 2' from time to time. But really, probably the only reason I choose to hate this guy, is because he gets to test his big bang theory with Boomer all the time... And fuck, why won't Boomer return my calls? Grace Park was cute on Stargate SG-1, she was far less annoying than Lana Lang on Edgemont... and now that she finally makes it big on BSG? She won't return my calls? WTF?!...

Sharon did seem boring throughout the miniseries, until the big revelation that she's a Cylon at the end of course... I never cared much for Galactica's Boomer in the end, as she just seemed to be a generic love interest for Tyrol at the time. And I hate her for bringing that little annoying kid on board (thankfully, the kid eventually disappeared amongst the crew...)... But in later episodes, Grace Park could grace my park anyday of the week when it came to her Helo encounters back on Caprica. So I'll give her the benefit of the doubt when it comes to the series premiere and all...

... with looks that could knock your socks out of the ball park, wouldn't we all?...

Battlestar Galactica as a whole is quite an amazing epic arc. That's how space operas always work out in the end...

But just like with soap operas, individual episodes just don't seem to stand the test of time. And even the big budget, BSG miniseries pilot can't seem to hold a candle against other Sci-fi pilot shows that I loved, namely Enterprise's Broken Bow and Stargate Atlantis' Rising...

The characters in the miniseries, except for Adama and maybe Laura Roslin, were just pale shadows and imitations of what they would all eventually become throughout the first season... Apollo was a pissed off stiff, Starbuck was a fly girl with generic sass, Baltar barely had any moments to shine, Tigh was just there, and fucking Grace Park refuses to eat my ass out anymore... what the fuck is up with that?...

But combine the miniseries with the rest of the first season, and watch it all at once as a whole?...

Battlestar Galactica is one of the better sci-fi shows to grace television in the past decade or so...

Well... The Longest Yard doesn't exactly make for the longest reviews... or the most stellar reviews, for that matter (except I had a hell of a lot of fun, laughing at Ebert's piss poor joke of one... but that's besides the point...)...

The thing is, The Longest Yard is a sports movie. And as a sports movie, just like with any romantic comedy, you know exactly what you're going to get going into the theatre...

The thing is, I just have a place for sports movies in my heart for some odd reason... Maybe it's because they provide the kind of sweet, loving family that I've been searching for ever since I was a small, potty-trained child?... well, a family outside of my family and friends and relatives, that is...

Or maybe it's just that I'm still bitter that I was always picked last after the white kids, black kids, yellow kids, red kids, white kids again, and even the Chris Rocks when it came to any type of sport?...

Either way, I gotta admit that I enjoyed The Longest Yard... and I was kinda surprised that I did...

I mean, Adam Sandler is usually hit or miss. Movies like Happy Gilmore make me a very happy Madison man... and them he produces films like Mr. Deeds, which just makes me wish I could kill myself, or suicide myself by cop in a prison...

The Longest Yard avoids most of the mistakes Sandler has done in the past... He's natural in his comedy this film, never resorting to pure stupidity like Mr. Deeds was, and yet never getting overly sentimental like Big Daddy suffered from near the end... I mean, you know that Adam is finally back on his game, when he's calling short cops "Frodo", breaking up with bad girlfriends over helicopter cameras, and showing videos of himself "earning" last year's video tapes of the prison guard football team...

I've personally never heard of a prison guard league out there, but it definitely makes sense. Whatever NCAA football players didn't make it to the NFL or any respectable minor league, would surely find it at home beating on poor Adam Sandler's in federal prisons...

And for the most part? I did like the guards in this movie. Although that may have more to do with me still being a WWE Wrestling fan, than it has to do with anything in the movie... Seeing Stone Cold Steve Austin, doing his usual WWE hick promo thing when it came to calling Megget the N-word in the library? I don't know, but that seriously had me laughing the loudest in the entire theatre (although that may be due to the fact, that I was the only one in the entire theatre today)... Seeing Kevin Nash as a 7-foot football monster, going all nipple apeshit after his steroids are replaced by estrogen supplements? Hey, it may be stupid comedy, but there's just something so ridiculously amusing about seeing one of the toughest SOB wrestlers of the past, whooping it up with the gay cheerleaders in the stands...

Now, as a sports movie, the formula for The Longest Yard was obviously nothing to be surprised about... All you have to do, is take a bunch of random misfits with quirky personalities, and whip them into shape with a bunch of montages to the sound of music. The only real diversion in the genre happens at the end, with whether the team wins and celebrates, or comes close to winning and then celebrates... either way, there's gatorade, hatorade, and a bunch of seagulls, but that's about it...

The Longest Yard didn't exactly have the best band of misfits around, but at least it had its fair share of decently memorable ones (completely unlike Kicking and Screaming...)... Megget wasn't really special off the football field. But that library scene with Stone Cold was just absolutely so precious, that I couldn't help but cheer for the N-word as he was dashing his mad ass on the battlefield... Probably the best of the misfits was the McDonald's guy, whatever he was called. Not only was he pure jakked, looking like a real football player (unless he was one). But he made me want to actually eat McDonald's in the theatre with all his witty lines... that's good ol' fashioned subliminal McMessaging for ya... except that it wasn't exactly subliminal, but I digress...

You had your other members of your Motley Crewe... You had the fat guy. The closet gay guy. The soft-hearted man of pure rock and steel... You had the psychotic huge guy back from Happy Gilmore (looking like WWE's Rhyno, might I add)... You had Goldberg, doing absolutely nothing but trying to look huge for the camera, in more ways than one... and I'm sure there were a bunch of other generic guys, who may not have stood out, but still played a damn fine game in the end. And that's all I really ask for in a sports movie...

Yeah, the Motley Crewe as they're called, all get together as one big happy Gilmore family in the end. And thanks to some classic sports tunes played from the past, the final 'bout between the inmates and the guards was actually one hell of a good time to watch... You had huge tackles here, and massive sacks on poor Adam Sandler over there... You had Stone Cold getting back on the WWE injured list yet again. You had Mr. Deuce Bigalow doing his usual cameo thing yet again... You had a lovely ref (Sandler's friend... forget his name right now...) get nailed in the nuts twice... You had nuts being sold in the stands, and guards selling sniper rifles up in towers... All in all, as long as the music was good and the sound effects were loud, how can I really complain about a good ol' fashioned sports movie? It may be simple popcorn fluff, but never once did it get sentimental or boring or some shit like that...

The fate of Caretaker (Chris Rock's character) wasn't just pure shit - it was sentimental crap that the film really could've done without...

Thankfully though, Chris Rock was pretty damn good for the rest of the movie, as even the Academy Awards 2005 proved that the comic black guy in charge is tolerable in small doses... He provided most of the humour at the start of the film. And while he did get lost in the shuffle with all the other black guys later on in the film, I still must admit that he had a natural chemistry in this film that just felt, um, natural... He didn't feel like he was forcing his comedy for once...

I didn't care for Burt Reynolds much. It was nice he was included in the film, considering this was a remake of his old 70's film. But it was disappointing how as coach, he did steal the spotlight from Adam Sandler a few times...

James Cromwell was a bit too evil for the pig farmer's own good this movie. Why on earth he was so eager to shoot Paul Crewe in the head at the end of the game, I may never know... But for the most part, I've always liked Cromwell as an actor. He was certainly threatening, whispering in Sandler's ear to throw the game, or else he'll throw away the key to his cell... And c'mon, who here didn't love his partner in crime, Colonel Sanders?... Sandler and Sanders, together again. How the hell could I not enjoy this film then?...

And yes, we finally get to Adam Sandler... who just like Chris Rock, let the comedy just flow in this film... They didn't force any jokes. Every single slip of the tongue just felt natural instead, as subtle reactions, decent camera angles, and appropriate moments of awkward silence made every joke seem to stand out without somehow overshadowing everything else... Take the car chase scene we all know from the trailers, for example. Sandler never goes overboard with his voice or anything. He just subtlely shows the cops all the beers he's been drinking with a smile, calls up his old girlfriend, has a lovely chat, and then smashes her Bentley in three, in a way that just somehow made me laugh... even after watching that scene a dozen times in the trailers alone...

I thought he did a great job as an athlete. Sure, he didn't really look the part, but he played the card of a player earning props to a perfect T... I mean, take the basketball one-on-one game for example. Sure, he lost, but why does that really matter? Street ball is all about respect, and that's what he showed... He never called a foul. He played through every single bad call that he got... He bled and never complained... I mean seriously, except for maybe smashing his head into the metal post, that's how the game is supposed to be played... and you gotta give him props for that...

... and, well... contact sports are good, but it also helps that I'm a huge wrestling fan... which was probably why I liked this film so much, seeing Stone Cold get to throw riot grenades and all... but that's besides the point...

... because I don't know... I guess I'm just a sucker for sports movies... I mean, you know you have a thing for sports, when even I hated Paul Crewe at the beginning...

I don't care much about rapists, or child molesters, or ten year old daughters who fuck their fathers... hell, I'd even pay to watch the latter...

But I just can't stand a sports player, who throws a game on purpose... it just ain't right, you know?...

And if anything?... even if I was half expecting this film to turn into some sentimental bullshit in the end?...

Adam Sandler never threw in the towel... He never threw the game. And he never threw the movie...

From some of the reviewers out there, I had expected The Longest Yard to be the longest damn yawn...

... not one of those fixed ones that play all the time in the NFL and NBA, but I digress...

[c. visitors too bored to return...]
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