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Y2kk Update: - Activision's / Neversoft Entertainment's Gun Microsoft Xbox Review (Spoilers...) -

Just in case you two readers didn't notice (not like anyone would notice), I actually write quite a bit about video games outside of this main page of mine. Hell, I probably have at least a couple hundred Xbox and Gamecube reviews on my other pages by now, simply because that's how I spend my weekends, sadly. Writing up shit that nobody will ever read or know about, even if they bother checking out my main noname page...

Well, I normally don't post my minor gaming reviews on this main page of mine, since most of the time they're nothing more than short and shit. But I was writing my Gun review this morning, and thought to myself that perhaps it merited a bit more limelight in the sunset than it originally would've gotten. I just finished the game myself, and while it's not quite a surreal experience or anything (like my review below may state), it was pretty damn satisfying still in the end. For a game that costed me just ten measly bucks, that is...

So just in case you're as bored as I am, here's my review of the Xbox version of Gun...

You know, I even laughed when the name of the game just appeared on the screen in the most overly of epic of fashions, the very moment after I slaughtered some bear with my two bare hands or some shit like that. I mean, here in my hands I had a game from goddam Activision of all shit publishers, a game that did horribly on the market that I had just picked for ten fucking bucks from the local bargain basement bin at The Great Canadian Superstore...

So how the fuck could "Gun" of all series have the audacity to have the most cinematic-like openings of all time? It just had to be all forced and a fluke, right?...

The thing is though, no matter how much I tried to shrug it off, I still somehow felt a little sliver of a goosebump of a shiver down my spine. There was just something about the whole presentation of Gun to me, that perhaps really did separate it from all the rest...

I've never been a big fan of Westerns in film, but I have watched Maverick time and time again. The film just never gets boring to me, either because my age old MILF crush on old skool Jodie Foster still hasn't subsided, or simply because I love the combination of six shooters, six packs and fucking five card draws. Maverick to me is one of my favourite comedy films of all time, and yet it's probably the only "Western" I've ever really truly enjoyed in my life to date (and Back to the Future 3 doth not count). Still, I always found it weird how majestic and misty eyed I feel everytime I do pop in that goddam low-res DVD film of mine, as there's just something about the Great Wild West that still gets the best of me, even to this day...

I've never been a big fan of Westerns in gaming either, simply because? Well... what Western games?...

I missed out on Red Dead Revolver the year before, but besides that? The last decent Western game I could even remember, was goddam Sunset Riders from Konami in arcades during the fucking SNES days. And even that was overshadowed in my eyes by the kickass TMNT, Simpsons, and especially X-Men arcades back then...

But as soon as I tore the claws off of that fucking insane bear with my own two bare hands? I dunno, but I just felt the spirit of the Cougar rush over me or something, as the atmosphere of Gun suddenly won me over. Whether it was the steamboat that followed or the fact that Kris Kristoff-whatever is one sure as hell kickass voice actor (Blade 2 kicked ass, by the way), I just somehow felt a unique connection to Gun that I don't think I've really felt outside of a Nintendo or Shenmue game, at least not in recent years...

Part of it is obviously the huge presentation value of the game. While some might say Activision took the easy way out and used preset cutscenes for all their cinematics rather than building them straight into the gameplay (Half Life style), I actually welcomed the return to old skool gaming movie scenes. Especially after I had just beated Half Life 2: Episode 1 and found it to be utter dog shit, but that's besides the point...

The graphics in Gun still looked awful as hell, no matter how hard Activision tried to pump up the detail level in cutscenes, but the motion capture of each and every character was absolutely incredible. Colton walked a bit too much like a stiff lodged with spurs (which he is), but characters like Hoodoo and the preacher were done exceptionally well in movement, in my honest opinion at least. And hell, as fugly as Jenny looked as a whore, she still walked and truly presented herself as goddam fucking provocative, something that I rarely witness in movies let alone in a goddam video game...

And obviously the main reason why Gun had such a surreal, movie-like atmosphere to it was because it really did have big name, movie-calibre actors. I already mentioned the man of the hour from Blade, playing Ned Flanders here (or whatever) to sheer badass father perfection, but what about Ron Perlman? He did absolutely awesome as a villain here, probably better than I've witnessed him ever do outside of fucking Hellboy in movies. And even the actor for Colton, whatever his name was, kept me interested in the storyline the whole way through...

The story itself was shallow, as all it basically consisted of was a city full of gold and a railroad Confederate desperate to strike fucking rich. We got a somewhat interesting backstory on Ned and his surrogate son Colton, but the plot did turn out to be pretty rail-way thin in the end. Then again, since when did a plot ever really matter in a fucking Western anyhew? I've seen so many fucking great action cutscenes in Gun, from Jenny getting it on in a bathtub to Hoodoo begging for mercy from the quick of the draw, that the entire experience of Gun was definitely one of the best pleasant surprises I've had in this modern age of consoles...

Sure, there are absolutely a ton of flaws in Gun, the biggest of which is the length. So many have complained that this game is a rental at best, simply because if you rush through the main storyline, it probably will only take you four or five hours to complete. I just don't see this as a problem though, considering "classics" like Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time are barely any longer, and I'm now the type of guy who doesn't have endless hours on my working weekdays to see a lengthy epic the whole way through...

While most of the sidequests are boring and repetitive (the pony express ones especially), they also do add on another three or four hours to the total gameplay of Gun, and that ain't half bad by today's short gaming standards. Besides, most of the Denton side stories are fun enough to run through, if only because the controls in Gun were surprisingly just as natural feeling as having a fucking six shooter in the goddam palm of your own hand (and dual wielding in this game is actually fun, for some goddam reason)...

I was shocked and absolutely floored by the fact that Activision actually managed to nearly perfect the controls in Gun, the same way that early Tony Hawk Pro Skater games may have had at the start. Obviously the basic Halo controls all ring true here, with R to shoot, X to melee, and L to throw explosive cocktails and dynamite (although of course Gun never reaches Halo 1 blissful levels of sublime). I just wish the camera system was improved though (though I don't have any real complaints about it), and switching weapons by holding down the white or black button really is a pain. And analog stick accuracy for the rifle and sniper is pretty piss poor most of the time, but I definitely learned and yearned in the end to compensate for all this, simply because of the fucking art of the bloody hell quick draw...

I normally hate "Bullet Time" in goddam games, and I've heard my fair share of complaints from gamers about it being overused here in Gun. Sure, it made the game easy as hell in the end, but it was so fucking addicting to get headshot after headshot after fucking headshot in slow motion, that how the fuck could I not fall in love with Gun? Quickdraw has provided some of the best damn moments I've felt in a game in months, especially when I'm shooting right through the black heart of bastards galloping on stallions. You just feel so damn overpowered with the quickdraw feature on, that how the hell can't I love being the fucking Superman or Neo of the goddam Great Wild West?...

That was probably the biggest complaint that gamers had about Gun, that the world just wasn't large enough to warrant a purchase of the game. And while since there are only two towns to explore (Dodge and Empire) and nothing but a whole lot of nothing inbetween, I sort of do agree? The thing is, I never wanted Grand Theft Auto in the Great Wild West in the first place, even if that was what was promised. I am not a fan of the overly expansive worlds where you have no clue where to go or what to do next. I do like certain elements of non-linearity, and maybe that's why I enjoyed Gun? It was too timid and too low-brow to really create a Grand Theft Auto world full of bustling people and sidequests, but it had just enough of that GTA touch to it that it felt welcome to gamers like me who still love the linear games of the past...

There's just something about the overall atmosphere of Gun, that draws me in like a fucking quick draw shot. Maybe it's the beautiful (though static) sunsets, or maybe it's because the ranches and the mountains and the hills all look so damn epic from far distance as you're scanning the horizon. Maybe I'm just a fan of all the low-res particle effects or the simplistic waterfalls by the Apache reserves, maybe I'm old skool like that, I dunno. All I do know, is that everything in the world of Gun, no matter if individually it's all anything but a technical masterpiece? It all just comes together so damn well as a single whole in the end, that it surprised and impressed the hell out of me in the same fucking way as Freedom Fighters and fucking Shenmue II have done in the past. Well done...

Or maybe I just like the fucking horses. While I still haven't tried Shadow of the Colossus, I must say that Gun has absolutely the best fucking horse rides I've felt since fucking Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time. There just isn't a single damn moment where I don't enjoy galloping across the Badlands on the back of a fucking beaut of a Mustang, as the wind billows by my cowboy hat and I quickdraw the hell out of some bandits on my ass. Just the overall package of the animation, framerate, vibrant colours, wonderful sound effects, and fucking musical score of epic proportions makes the whole damn experience of Gun, of riding off into the fucking sunset, into one of the best damn feelings I've had this entire generation of gaming...

And I'm shocked. Shocked that not only would I love a Western game, but that I enjoyed a fucking Activision game as well...

Sure, Gun has flaws. Piss poor graphics, overly easy and short missions, and the fact that you can bizarrely skin Native American heads with a scalpel just for shits and giggles, just to mention a few? A game with flaws, yes. But what series doesn't?...

Because as soon as the name of "Gun" slowly dithered and faded on screen, and I laughed my arse off all the way to the bank at just how epic Activision of all companies was trying to make their new goddam trilogy of a series?...

Well, the thing is, just like I shook my head at just how pathetic I thought Shenmue 2 was at first? I found myself shaking my head once again at just how wrong I was about Gun...

And now I'm the one hollering and clamouring for the goddam trilogy to be finished. Now I'm the one who's actually disappointed that I didn't pick up Gun when it first came out, and did my part to ensure that Activision does complete this goddam trilogy of a game (instead of just being the one who laughs at the fact that the goddam next two in the series have already been cancelled due to low sales)...

I mean, there's just something about having a fucking six shooter in your hand as you gallop with the wind, that I just didn't get enough of from any other goddam game in this generation of gaming... not until Zelda: Twilight Princess is released, at least...

Because just like I fell in love for Maverick and never get bored of it, despite the fact that I know it's a fucking lame ass movie?...

Well, I'm just shocked that I felt the same damn way, the very moment I skinned a bear alive with my own bare two hands...

Y2kk Update: - Electronic Arts' Need for Speed: Most Wanted Microsoft Xbox Review (Spoilers...) -

The first Need for Speed Underground, I was obsessed with. Not only did I work at improving both my skills and my cars in that game non-stop, but the fucking EA Trax from that title wouldn't fucking leave my head for half a fucking year. And that's fucking saying something, considering I hate all game soundtracks these days, let alone the licensed bullshit coming from Electronic Arts themselves...

The second Need for Speed Underground was still good, but not nearly as satisfying to me in the end. It felt more hollow and shallow in terms of a total driving experience somehow, but still addicted me to hell with suping up my car and tearing up the tracks with my latest treads. It was a worthy follow-up the original, and truth be told, I still pretty much begged EA for more to come...

First things first, I have to mention the controls. Both of the Need for Speed Underground's felt to me as if they had a perfect balance of weight and maneuverability, with the only issue coming with an overload of crashes in the first game and the inability to cause takedowns in the second. But Need for Speed: Most Wanted just seems to ruin this great feeling I got from revving the gas with R and slamming on the brakes with the L trigger. It's like they put on a hell of a lot more weight on each vehicle, making the game feel more like a bloated cousin of the Burnout series than anything else...

Next thing to mention is obviously the selection of cars, which has taken one step forward and two steps back if you ask me. I mean, sure I'm just like the next guy in drooling over the Porsche 911 Carrera or the Lamborgini vehicles in the game, but that doesn't mean I'm willing to give up the cars I loved from the Underground series. I don't mind the reduction of upgrades you can buy for your car (why the fuck would I care about subwoofers and LCD screens, afterall), but I can't stand how my favourite goddam Mazda Miata is now missing in action. Sure, I know it's a fucking girl car, but it handled like a dream in the first two games. And I'm not a fan of the missing Civic, Corolla, or RSX as well (unless I just missed them, I dunno)...

And the last main change to mention about Need for Speed: Most Wanted? Now, I know so many fans demanded the return of the car chases that date back all the way to Need for Speed: Hot Pursuit. The thing is though, while fun at first, the police chases just get fucking goddam tedious and boring as time goes on. At the start of Most Wanted, you can tear apart police cruisers and embarrass undercover agents to hell by ramming right through their road blocks. But by the end, you're forced into enduring chase after chase after fucking chase from fucking invincible helicopters, all because the radio chatter heat on your car has become goddam unbearable. It's not just the frequency of chases that annoys the hell out of me, but how damn long they can last each and every damn time...

EA did at least put in quite a few new features to keep the police off your tracks. The "police breakers" or whatever the fuck they're called, are fun enough to hit. By tearing right through a gas station, you can momentarily lose the cruisers behind you, but only for a damn moment. By the time you reach the later stages in the game, it doesn't matter how many donut shops you rip your way through. The helicopters and fucking cops in goddam Corvettes will find you and still take you down. The chases just never end, unless you become a complete master at every fucking corner of the city...

It's not just the police chases that bug the hell out of me in Most Wanted, but also all the little things you have to do to get on their most wanted list in the first place. Sure, I hated drift races in the Underground series, but at least they didn't happen that damn often to ruin the entire game for me. Meanwhile in Most Wanted, I'm stuck with so many mandatory police beatings and goddam photo radar moments that I fucking can't even muster up the patience to get to the next fucking real competition. I mean, what the fuck happened to just fucking "racing" in a goddam racing game? Has that old skool mentality really become that much of a goddam novelty these days? WTF?...

But still, for every wrong step that I feel EA took with the Need for Speed series in Most Wanted, there were a hell of a lot of things they did right as well...

The city in Need for Speed Underground 2 just felt lacking somehow, as the highway was unintuitive as hell and the only reasonable landmarks to remember were goddam Best Buys and Burger King shops. The world in Need for Speed: Underground on the other hand is not only fucking huge, but it's fucking gorgeous as well. There was just so much detail and art crafted into every single intersection of the city, that you could almost swear that they had copied a real location from somewhere out in the good ol' USA. And even if you can't stand the long journeys or all the shortcuts you can find in the Most Wanted streets, there's now a button to quickly and instantaneously transport you to the next race, which is more than a goddam transcendent addition to the series after getting lost on all the fucking bloody freeways in Need for Speed Underground 2...

And make no mistake, just like the city is huge, Need for Speed: Most Wanted is simply a massive game in the end. How many hours did it take me to even approach the ending moments (which sadly, I never bothered to complete)? 15 hours? Possibly more? And I didn't even do most of the races available, unlike the previous Need for Speed Underground games. Sure, I hate the fact that so many of those hours were forced upon me by brutal chase after fucking goddam police chase, but there are also so many damn races in there that were memorable beyond belief. And that's the kind of good shit that I love from my Need for Speed series, the kind of which that for some odd reason, no other racing series has eve truly been able to bring to the fold...

Everyone loved suping up shit in the Underground series, as those RPG-like elements pretty much engulfed my life for two holiday seasons straight. But the question was, why can't you pull a Fast and the Furious and actually put your car on the line? And to some extent, Most Wanted pulls through with that very need for stealing speed. I mean sure, I can't quite say that picking random "pink slip" markers after a race is really the kind of experience I'm looking for. But goddam, is it every satisfying still to meet the next Black List opponent and shut him the fuck up by taking both his bitch and his ride. And while some races in this game are now a bit too difficult around for their own good, that just makes the victory lap and the lap dance by their whore all the more sweeter in the end...

But okay, let's face facts here. For anyone who's seen the commercials or started up Need for Speed: Most Wanted, there was really only one reason and one reason only why our eyes were all glued to the screen. Of course, the fucking beaut of the BMW you start out with got a bit of attention, and of course the fact that the graphics in this game are a huge step up from the Underground series is another notable as well...

But hot damn, is Josie Maran ever fucking smokin' hot as Mia Townsend in this game. How many times did I watch her fucking intro video alone, where she fucking sweeps into camera view in the most sexy and surreal way possible, showing off her fucking gorgeous tits and body and ass in the way that only the most succulent of classy whores can? Sure, I may not be a fan of full motion video in video games any longer, but when I get a bitch this fucking hot to salivate over the entire game? Then sign me the fuck up for Sewer Shark 2, because I'm fucking riding Mia all the way to fucking town...

And yes, there is a story in Need for Speed: Most Wanted. Of course, the story sucks for the most part, but it gets the job done. Hell, if anything, the one thing I couldn't stand about how long Most Wanted was, was the fact that it took forever to just get back to more cutscenes with fucking goddam Mia is a skin tight tank top...

Fucking hell, just give me a fifteen hour game of her with a shift stick for crying out loud, and I'll be happy. Because fucking goddammit, I want to hear her crying and screaming like the bitch she is as I shift into gear, out loud and uncensored in full fucking surround sound. She's the type that looks like she can squirt and scream 'till the all the intakes are fucking steaming wet. Say my name bitch, because where the fuck is my Josie Maran game, goddammit?...

And of course, there are a lot of other reasons why Most Wanted should've made that list as well. The loading times are mostly minimal, the engine effects are all as great as they were back in the Underground series, and the EA Trax are bearable for the most part. The graphics I've already noted, but they deserve an honourable mention yet again for their amazing rain effects and lens flare. I wish the vehicle and road textures themselves were of higher resolution, but that's a small price to pay considering how damn epic the entire cityscape really looks and feels during both the daylight and nightlife...

But despite the introduction of Mercedes and Porsches and Josie fucking Maran and all that other good shit, I just feel like the edge from the Underground series has been taken out of this game. I miss all the "near-miss" moments I got from weaving my way through traffic, even if that was all stolen from the Burnout series in the first place. And even if drafting is still in the game, the lack of a point system just makes it feel absolutely pointless, as if it wasn't even there. And I certainly do miss the fact that in the Underground series beforehand, I really did feel that my car was an extension of my will through the controller. Yet EA felt that it was best to go back their heavier brutes of shit from their Hot Pursuit games of days gone by...

... when really the only thing hot enough left to pursue in Most Wanted, is fucking Josie Maran herself...

Hot damn and bloody virgin hell, she's definitely on my list. Hell, I want to be fucking her when I fucking make my list in the first place, goddammit...

But in the past two holiday seasons, when push really came to shove? While Need for Speed Underground and Need for Speed Underground 2 had both made my wish lists for Santa Claus, but Most Wanted somehow never did? Well, then...

So until at least Josie Maran becomes my own ho ho ho, then I guess as far as the Need for Speed series is concerned, despite all the polish I admit they put into Most Wanted in the end?...

Because you see, I've had a DVD copy of Napoleon Dynamite sitting across from my television for almost the past year, and I still haven't watched it. I've just had no interest in it. I can't even manage to pull myself to push it into my DVD player for two fucking hours of my life. And considering I've only heard good things about the cult hit film, why is that?...

However, that may all have changed, after I fell in love with the Nacho Libre...

That movie trailer just kicked all sorts of ass. Kick all sorts of ass of snakes... on a motherfuckin' plane...

Now, I'm normally a huge fan of stupid comedy. Zoolander and Anchorman both rank up there as two of my favourite comedies of all time. And Army of Darkness can fucking kick your ass and take your name for all I care, because that film is God...

Afterall, there are just some films out there, that are so stupid that they simply are ingenious...

It's one of those films that is just so stupid, that it really is so damn stupid.

Maybe it's just because I have a long time connection and identification with the source material of Nacho Libre? Maybe that's why I enjoyed it for what it was worth, even though I knew I was then and there seeing the equivalent IQ of 5 in the collective form of a theatrical release...

You see, I've always wanted to be a professional wrestler. It's been one my longest life missions and passions in... life...

The ironic (or not ironic) thing is though, that I'm a reasonably devout Catholic. A cafeteria Catholic for the most part, but a Catholic nonetheless...

But, but... wrestlers are false idols! They fight not for the sake of God, but for personal fame and false pride! Worshipping a wrestler is a sin!

So anyways, I actually kind of liked the choreography in Nacho Libre, the kind of which you can't really appreciate if you don't appreciate the actual art of wrestling. I mean, who here that actually enjoyed the glory days of WWE (Hulk Hogan, Shawn Michaels, Bret Hart), WCW (Ric Flair, Sting, NWO), and ECW (Sandman, Terry Funk, Mick Foley) could not enjoy the fact that obviously the producers of Nacho Libre appreciate the sports entertainment art for what it is. Because I'm sure I'm not the only one who saw hurricaranas, the 619, and even the goddam Tombstone Piledriver in there somewhere...

The point is, if you don't particularly like the actual wrestling in wrasslin'? Then you probably won't enjoy Nacho Libre for what it was. But if you're the kind of guy who can get behind the fat underdog of WCW's Ralph versus Rey Rey Razor Ramone? Then maybe you'll laugh as hard as I did when that Undertaker-clone swung two jobbers out of the ring while ringing their necks...

Hey, if the Brooklyn Brawler could beat HHH, then you'd think Jack Black could actually win the Mexican title.

But for those of you who don't give a shit about the wrestling in the WWE but rather just the plotlines?...

If you can't get behind all the arm drags and frog splashes in Nacho Libre, then you've just got to get behind Esquelto. Hector Jimenez absolutely steals the show with all his classic one liners, from refusing to be baptized to claiming he hates "all the orphans in the world". If you can't appreciate how stoic he says all his ridiculously straight-forward lines, I guess I can understand. But just try to watch his performance with a straight face of your own, and I guaran-damn-tee you that he'll break you down and you'll crack a damn smile. That is, if he doesn't spot you in the wilderness from the village first, I mean...

There was probably only one truly laugh-out-loud moment in Nacho Libre, but it was damn fine one if you ask me. It all starts off with Esquelto leaving behind Jack Black's character of Ignacio outside of Ramone's party, claiming he can't lift him over the wall because he's "too fat". Next thing you know, Esquelto is being chased by a fat tub of lard who burrows like a rat through walls, and Jack Black is mouthing to words to some song he's never heard before while plucking together horrible strings on a cello. After the ensuring embarrassment happens, we get treated to a street fight featuring everyone's favourite mayonnaise covered corn. Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth, this was the best scene in the entire movie and probably worth the price of admission alone...

I do admit though, that not everyone will enjoy Jack Black's performance here. He's given the most ridiculously dumbass of roles to play, as a friar who's obsessed with becoming a Los Luchadores Mexican wrestler, and he goes through the entire film playing it as straight as a man possibly can be with this material. There's only so much stupidity you can take from a film before it starts to wane on your intelligence, as I absolutely do admit that Nacho Libre's second half wasn't nearly as entertaining to me as the first. But seeing Jack Black survive in the wilderness by eating grass and wiping away with his bare hand his... tears? If that doesn't make you at least crack a smile, then you just must not have an Army of Darkness soul...

Alas, I wish there were more characters in the film that I can root for. Sister Encarnacion may have at times looked like the incarnation of carnal beauty, but she absolutely was not funny except for Jack Black's pick up line of dinner with "toast". Some of the other friars at the orphanage had their moments, like punching Ignacio out when he was making said pick up line to the nun bitch, but it was really just the Jack Black and sidekick squire film the whole way through. None of the orphans themselves were interesting, and none of the other characters really had any depth, even for a film with the collective IQ of 5...

But that doesn't change the fact that after my completely horrendous week at work? Jack Black and the scene stealing Hector Jimenez absolutely stole the show and gave me the best of comic relief. None of the faults and sheer stupidity of the movie can change the fact that Nacho Libre touched me on a more personal note, by rekindling my love for wrestling and my overwhelming passion and desire to become a goddam Luchadore myself...

I've got a good feeling that perhaps the reason why I did enjoy this film as much as I did, was because I saw it in a Friday packed theatre full of pissed off people like myself, burnt out from a week's worth of work and seeking some refuge in laughter. It's the 40 Year Old Virgin complex really, as I absolutely adored that film in theatres thanks to the contagion of laughter, but barely even chuckled while watching with my brother the goddam horrible DVD-remix. I've got a good feeling that unless you're swarmed by a gaggle of people dumb enough to enjoy Nacho Libre for what it is, that you just can't enjoy this film the way that it was really meant to be watched...

Now sure, Nacho Libre was not the comedy of the summer, nor even the best comedy of the week (that honour goes to The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift, if you get my drift...)...

Hell, the film didn't even make me want to watch my goddam copy of Napolean Dynamite. Wasupwidat?...

But still, if you're dumb enough to like wrestling? And if you're dumb enough to like Jack Black?...

Y2kk Update: - Ubisoft's Prince of Persia: The Two Thrones Nintendo Gamecube Review (Spoilers...) -

Apparently, somebody actually did take the advice from my Warrior Within review (or everyone's WW review), and finally smacked some goddam sense into Ubisoft...

The thing is, while I don't quite share the same belief as so many others, many do see the original Prince of Persia (well, the Sands of Time, I mean) as a gaming legend. I myself thought it was a decent product that brought back some of the best platforming techniques from the bygone 2D days, but it was still flawed as hell and far from being a moving, motion-picture, perfect experience...

But regardless? I think we can all safely agree, that Warrior Within fucking sucked ass...

Ubisoft has come back with Prince of Persia: The Two Thrones, supposedly the end of the trilogy of quick Prince of Persia ports on current generation systems. I'm sure they'll be back with another quickie in the series though, all in due time, and why the hell wouldn't they? The franchise still gets decent sales, good word of mouth, and high enough marks from reviewers who are still obsessed with the original Sands of Time, to ever be truly reduced to the dunes and dust and sands of time...

I admit that as soon as I started playing Prince of Persia: The Two Thrones? Maybe Sands of Time did have more of an effect on me than I ever originally thought, as all the memories of my past life of living that game suddenly came rushing back to me like a sand storm. The platforming at the start of The Two Thrones was amazing, despite all the shitty ass camera angles at times. I loved the sheer gameplay art that they implemented in almost every single action you took, from dangling on walls with your knife to ripping apart flags as you sliced you way down from a balcony. The Prince of Persia graphics engine may be looking dated as hell by now, but you just can't dismiss the overall beauty and grandeur of Persia...

That's when I stumbled upon the goddam Dark Prince for the first time. And oh dear God, that's when all the fucking horrible memories of Warrior Within started rushing me over like a fucking hurricane of shit. Who the fuck thought it was fun to have a character who's only purpose is to kill countless annoying enemies, lose health incrementally unless you rip apart every box you find, and grunt generic quips of rage? Who the fuck thought this would be a fucking good idea? The same guy who designed Warrior Within? Godsmack, is that you? WTF?...

Combat has always been a problem in the Prince of Persia series, but at least it was tolerable in The Sands of Time thanks to everything else being mostly enjoyable in that game. While I still do love all the platforming you get in The Two Thrones, every single fucking moment you're stuck as the goddam Dark Prince ruins whatever great gameplay experiences that you actually do get from the rest. Every single scene with him is just fucking button mashing as you swing around some goddam forsaken chain, killing dozens of fucking enemies that never quit on coming, and slicing open fucking boxes everywhere to suck up more sands of time, just so that you won't keel over and die while walking a crooked line. How the fuck is this supposed to be good for pacing? WTF?...

I won't even mention the Dark Prince segments any longer, as not only are they a pure Warrior Within embarrassment of an addition to the series, but they pretty much ruin the storyline with goddam horrible voice acting as well. Not only has the Prince gone completely schizophrenic, arguing to himself in broad daylight as if he was wearing some bluetooth headset, but we're forced to endure this kind of crap quality script writing at the same time while battling hordes of generic enemies while just rapidly tapping A and B? Backflip, stab, double kill on both our ears and eyes? WTF?...

Some claim to love the new quick kill system, where you sneak up on an enemy and take them out by surprise, God of War or QTE style. While at first I thought that it was entertaining, in the end it became just as pointless and useless to me as fucking dual wielding badass blades. Sure, it's much easier to slice someone's throat at times than just rapidly tap button combos in combat, but it also makes the platforming parts of the game a lot harder (or just more annoying) to just get into the right position in the first place. Why the hell must we really bother with so much stealth at times, just to sneak up on enemies that really aren't that difficult to beat in the first place? It's all pretty optional, and as a result? It all just seemed a bit pointless and contrived in the end, although I've never been a big fan of fucking stealth in any games anyhew...

The sad thing is, even combat as the normal Prince of Persia seems more half-assed in this game than in any other in the series before. I obviously complained about the repetition of battle in The Sands of Time, but at least constantly tapping A and then B got most fights then and there over and done with as soon as possible. The problem here is, The Two Thrones decided to make fucking combat harder for the fucking prince, often preventing all the old tricks of the trade from the first two games in the series from fucking consistently working anymore. Instead, I'm forced into trying to use all their new fucking moves implemented in the game, except that the hit detection off wall thrusts and pole dancing is now so damn wrong, that it wracks my brain whenever I slice right through an enemy without any noticeable effect whatsoever...

Well, at least one good thing that I can say about The Two Thrones is that while I've heard it's plagued by the usual bugs of the series, I have yet to encounter any myself. In both The Sands of Time and Warrior Within, I was actually forced to go back to fucking old saves due to game ending glitches, and thankfully I never encountered one in The Two Thrones...

The problem here though, is that unless my memory is just as hazy as the sands and fog of war, I really did think that the original Prince of Persia had much more polished controls on the GC than The Two Thrones does. I've already mentioned the shitty ass hit detection, but coupled with more bad camera angles than ever before? I'm left with a game that requires so much trial and error from just shitty ass gameplay mistakes, that I thank God and Jeebus for the fucking gift of goddam time travel...

Because what made The Sands of Time into a good, if not great game in the end, was the fact that all the platforming worked perfectly with the element of slowing down and reversing time. It took a while to gain that same kind of functionality back in The Two Thrones (it was dumbed down seemingly due to being overpowered in the first game), but the kickass feeling you get from jumping back out of an endless pit right out to an unsuspecting Persia pussy, is still just as gratifying and satisfying as it ever was before...

Sure, the time travel thing is still a bit laggy and loopy at times, as often I find myself impaled on a random trap and the fucking L button does nothing but make my corpse sway in the wind. But it's still obviously the best innovation that Ubisoft has done with the series, and really creates a trial and error, old skool gaming process that really feels more badass and less overall frustrating than any checkpoint system before...

Thank God that Kaileena (or whatever the fuck that bag breasted bitch was called) quickly and finally bit the proverbial, Babylonian bullet. And at least the developers brought back Farah for one last romp, even if her character was ruined by the Warrior Within treatment to a large extent. The thing is though, these two characters (along with the Vizier, for instance) highlight what I absolutely hate most about time travel, that it creates alternate universes and timelines where everything you've done in the past is rendered useless. The script writers thought it would be cool not only to erase from history everything that happened in the original game, but also the story the Prince told to Farah as well. Now we're left with just Warrior Within as the canon fucking plotline of the story? WTF?...

Well, no matter the stupidity of the writers over at Ubisoft, The Two Thrones is still a decent game. It may not match The Sands of Time in nostalgic majesty, but it's still a fucking beautiful sight to behold. The Prince of Persia graphics engine is very much outdated now, as I've stated before. But the architecture, geometry, and all the little touches of lighting that the developers grafted so subtlely into their world of ancient Babylon, really gives the Prince of Persia series a statement of great art, dedication and character. I just wish the Prince and all his enemies didn't look like PSOne polygonal boxes anymore, that's all...

Probably the biggest improvement that Prince of Persia: The Two Thrones has over its direct predecessor is the music. Thank God once again that Godsmack has finally been banished from this realm, and replaced by goddam middle eastern and Persian tunes once more. There are still some lingering guitar riffs and rock music embedded into the fold, but for the most part, The Two Thrones was indeed a decent and worthy throwback to the original Sands of Time. And not a bad way to end the trilogy, better than Return of the Jedi at least, until the next goddam game in the series, I mean...

For all its flaws and mistakes and fucking wannabe badassness, there's simply no denying how wonderful it feels to wall run your way from one platform to another, slice your path into a ledge on the wall, backflip your way across ceiling poles, and slide down a fucking red flag to some goddam tight ass, Persian pussy. And if you ever fuck up before you end up fucking the girl? Then the time travel aspect is all still there, and that alone is worth the price of persia alone...

But for all intents and intensive purposes? Prince of Persia: The Two Thrones still pales in comparison to The Sands of Time, or even any of those shitty ass original games back on the PC and SNES...

Because alas, for the past few years? Ubisoft really has gone over to the dark side of the force...

I'm sure that Disney or Pixar or whoever saw the enormous marketing potential of having fucking cars everywhere in their latest CG animated film. Now, I don't know whether that really had anything to do with the premise of the film, but at least it guaranteed some of the most breath-taking visuals ever. Cars and vehicles are some of the easiest objects for a computer programmer to virtually reproduced, and as a result? It leaves more time for the rest of the package...

The waterfall scene by the mountains was near photo-realistic in quality, and literally took my breath away. The neon lights of Radiator Springs were amazing to see, just like even the gravel on the roads looked as damn natural as could possibly be achieved. There is simply no denying that Pixar was at the top of their game in terms of graphics and animation here with Cars...

... but graphics and visuals are not the real reason why I go and see a Pixar film in theatres...

For better or worse, I prejudged Cars. I've watched all the trailers for the film, and saw it as nothing more than a standard archetypal story, the kind of which we've already seen time and time again in film...

Alright, so we Lightning McQueen, a race car living in the fast lane of life quite literally. Was there any real doubt as to how his entire story would end up unfolding? Just from the teaser trailer alone from last year, I instantly knew that he would be a basic metaphor for an urbanite living the fast pace in the city, who finds himself caught in some dumbshit hick town where he learns the finer meaning of slowing the pace of existence down. How many times have we seen this before?...

Every single character in the entire film was predictable. Sally was just there as the hot, cutie townsfolk (God, I want a Carrera Porsche...) who we all knew would sway Lightning McQueen to the hick side of the force. And Tow Mater was just there for comic relief, which he barely even produced in the film at all. The only character that I didn't quite see coming a mile away from trailers was Doc Hudson, but even his MO I quickly put together as soon as I saw how quickly he wanted to throw Lightning out of the court room at the start...

Now, I hate to go into the movie theatre with a preconceived notion of how a film will turn out. Ignorance is bliss, more times than not. But I've just come to expect so much more from Pixar, you know? This is the same group of writers and animators who have produced not just some of the greatest animated films of all time, but some of the greatest goddam stories of all time. The Toy Story's, Monsters Inc, Finding Nemo, and The Incredibles all rank up at there as some of the best fucking movies of all goddam time, in my honest opinion at least...

... I just came to expect so much more from the godsend of a company when it came to Cars, that's all...

It's kind of ironic, that a studio that paved the way for 3D computer graphics in film, would have so many transparent, single dimensional characters in a single film here in Cars. Owen Wilson did a decent job for the most part (except for all those moments he had to fake a laugh with Mater), but Lightning McQueen still had probably the least amount of depth and personality to him than any Pixar lead character before him. He literally simply got caught in the old town, had his pride taken away from him in a race between the tortoise and the hare, and then realized that he truly had a heart of gold in the end. Was there any real surprises along the way?...

Sure, I love a good archetypal story. I love stories with classic morals. But Pixar has always been known to put their own flavour and twist on things, to the point where they often enough make a unique-feeling masterpiece. The Toy Story's were simplistic in nature but were absolutely fabulous when it came to friendship, loyalty, and the inner child in all of us. Monsters Inc and Finding Nemo did just the same, this time with more fatherly bonds than anything else. The Incredibles was a brilliant satire and metaphor for every single damn day that happens in suburban life. But what will Cars' claim to fame be, if it ever does turn out deeper than I see it now?...

The problem with Cars is that it definitely has its clever moments, but it's never really funny. Sure, I laughed at the tipping of the tractors from time to time, but that was pretty much the extent of my shits and giggles. I thought to myself that some of the Nascar moments were clever, like the girls "flashing" McQueen or the Japanese segment on the news. But I never really balled out laughing like I did in so many Pixar films beforehand, until "Toy Car Story" and "Monster Cars Inc" showed up on screen at least. And I really think it shows something, when the only real joy I get from a film comes from the nostalgia of Pixar classics from years gone by...

But indeed, I am being overly harsh on the film, though I expected so much from Cars, so much more from Pixar, and came away disappointed. But that doesn't change the fact, that Cars is still one of the damn best animated films I've seen in years, Pixar name or not...

The races could have been more dramatic, but I will gladly admit that I was on the edge of my seat the whole way through. The little key moments, like Lightning McQueen jumping on tires to escape a car crash, or learning the tricks of the dirt trail trades from Doc Hudson, really gave the film a sort of personal touch of an aura of magic to it that only Pixar films seem to have in this day and age...

The relationship between Doc Hudson and Lightning McQueen was absolutely the only great emotional bond in the entire film. It was a simple metaphor for life, about the dirt race track and how experience and patience can overcome all. It was touching at times, with Lightning McQueen being taught that there's more to racing than just winning, and I think I even smiled a bit when the Hudson Hornet laced those racing tires up one last time. I just wish there had been more of a pay-off of their father-son relationship in the final race itself, as Hudson just appearing out of nowhere as the pit crew felt a bit forced, and Lightning's new skidding and power drifting technique was barely used at all to save his hide...

There was really only one character that I actually did find amusing and creative in the film. I guess Luigi was alright in a Mario sort of way, but it was Guido who simply kicked all sorts of Italian ass with his funky soccer hair and his love for Ferraris. To be honest, I really think their enthusiasm for European racing was the only memorable part of the movie to me that I actually did chuckle at, as seeing their affinity for fucking white tires of all things definitely put their mark on the road, in my honest opinion at least...

I wish I could care for Sally, but her only role in the film was to be the fucking generic, good looking girl who fell in love with the old hick town and now Lightning McQueen. I wish I gave a damn about Tow Mater, but his character was too hick dumbass simplistic for even my tastes. I wish I cared more for Mack, but he was kinda just a dumb truck with no purpose. I wish I cared about Ramone or Sarge or any of those other bit characters, but I just didn't. And I think it really shows something, when I rather cheered at the sight of the return of the pig character from "Toy Car Story" than anything else...

If I sound harsh, it's only because I love Pixar and all their films with all my heart. They truly bring out the best of the inner child in me, and I think they do the same in all of us as well, as their films really are almost universally loved. Their movies of Toy Story, Monsters Inc, Finding Nemo, and The Incredibles truly are epic and "nincredible" in the sense of just how stories can really endear and touch our hearts...

But for now? I will honestly state that it is the second worst Pixar film to date, just above A Bug's Life on the scale...

That's not to say the film is bad. But rather, my standards for Pixar are just so damn high, that even if Cars left me disappointed and wanting more? It's still better than every other damn CG animated film out there, save for the Shrek series perhaps...

Cars still had the sublime soul of Pixar. It just wasn't allowed to shine along with the car polish, that's all...

Cars is an absolutely beautiful film in scope and beauty and majestic overall quality. And I just love how in the end, the film really did come together as one. I loved the moral and lesson it brought when it was all said and done, as probably the most heart-warming moment in the entire film was when Lightning actually gave up the Piston Cup just to give the proper respects to his fallen comrade. Sarge would be proud....

Was it a predictable ending? Of course, I saw it coming a road mile away. But Pixar just did it so emotionally, so powerfully, and so wonderfully with the kind of magic that only they can bring to life on film, that it really did make me love Cars... if only for a brief candle of a moment in time...

I wish I could feel the same way about the rest of the film as I do for that one moment alone...

Y2kk Update: - Capcom's Mega Man X Collection Nintendo Gamecube Review (Spoilers...) -

You know what's sad? You know what was one of my greatest regrets out of this entire year so far?...

Back when Mega Man X Collection was first released for the Nintendo Gamecube, it was on sale at my local Loblaws Canadian Superstore for about $27 CDN. The thing is though, I had bought so many fucking games already that weekend (mainly thanks to the Nintendo DS and post-Christmas shopping), that I just didn't feel it would be right spending more money on a old collection of games that I pretty much already owned...

And besides, I figured that I could find the game for much cheaper used or something within a week or two. So why bother, right?...

Flash forward almost half a year later. And the dumbest ass thing is, up until last week, not only has the game never dipped below the $38 CDN new point throughout all my months of searching? But also that, for some goddam reason, absolutely none of the video gaming stores in the GTA has ever had a used Mega Man X Collection in stock from what I've goddam seen and heard. WTF?...

So yeah, sort of as a gift to myself for getting this new fucking worthless summer job of mine? Short story short, I went to the local Loblaws Canadian Superstore this past weekend, saw that the game was selling for $34 CDN as clearance for the next few days, and just decided to pick up the goddam game for just a little bit of closure...

The thing is, the Mega Man X games are some of my favourite fucking games of all fucking time. I mean seriously, how many fucking times did I play through the original Mega Man X on the SNES? I may have only been able to beat Sigma once for some goddam reason, but I must've played through every single stage at least a hundred times each or some crap like that in my youth. And the same goes for Mega Man X2, which was inferior to the original in many ways but still held its own, and still had some of the best fucking Mega Man action I've ever experienced in my life...

The series started going downhill with Mega Man X3. I only touched upon that game after realizing that the introduction of Zero started ruining the overall gameplay balance (plus, Zero is a guy? WTF? Fuck me then and all my fapping sessions...). I tried Mega Man X4 for the PSOne at the time, but I absolutely hated the level design and quit the series pretty much after that. I didn't have a PSOne afterall, and still don't...

Suffice to say, despite my hatred for every game past Mega Man X3, I've been salivating at the prospect of a Mega Man X Collection ever since Capcom first announced their Mega Man Anniversary Collection for the original series. Of course, that anniversary collection itself kind of stank up the joint, not only because Capcom didn't even bother to clean up the graphics or include the Genesis version of the Wily Wars? But they fucked up both the music and the controls in the Gamecube version of the game, while insultingly fixing that crap for the Xbox version later on...

Capcom didn't make the same mistakes twice, thank goodness. Mega Man X Collection for the Nintendo Gamecube has customizable controls. But even if it hadn't, the default button layout ain't that bad. Sure, with the NGC bean buttons, it's almost impossible to charge your shot while dash jumping in the air. But besides that move (which gave me blisters even with the original SNES controller anyhew), I didn't have a single damn issue with having B for charging shots, A to jump and X to dash...

There really weren't any differences between the PS2 and Gamecube versions of Mega Man X Collection from what I've gathered, except for the controllers and of course loading times. Capcom did a decent enough job on Mega Man X Collection for the NGC at least, as the loading times for the SNES games are thankfully much lower than even the NES ones for the Anniversary Collection. I wish that the FMV and the wait times had been improved even moreso for the PSOne Mega Man X games, as they seem pretty damn shitty on the Gamecube itself. But at least Capcom didn't cut corners and actually put everything onto a single NGC disc for once, which is more than I can say for last time...

Last time around, Atomic Planet absolutely butchered the original Mega Man series by having horrible remix versions of the in-game level music. This time around, Capcom made sure to appease old skool fans like me, as I don't think I've heard a single tune in Mega Man X 1 through 3 (the 3 games I have played through in the past) that didn't feel like it didn't belong...

The graphics in the Mega Man X series weren't really jaw-dropping back even during the SNES and PSOne days, so obviously they would look cruddy and ancient now. There are some interlacing issues with the emulation process on the Gamecube, but overall, I was more than impressed with the job that Capcom did in the X Collection. The graphics are probably cleaner than they were before, the sound is pretty much emulated to perfection, and even most of the slowdown from the original three Mega Man X games have been toned down to tolerable levels...

That's not to say that Mega Man X Collection is perfect, however. Besides having very few unlockables (except for that god-awful Battle and Chase kart racing game... uggh...), Capcom really dropped the ball when it came to Mega Man X3. They included the shitty ass PSOne version instead of the SNES version, which means that I was stuck watching god-awful FMV sequences thanks to Capcom's love for that useless bullshit back during the early CD days...

And of course, I still hate Mega Man X4 through X6. The feel of the controls in all three of those games are unbearably bad, the level designs are mundane and mediocre, the boss battles are ridiculously dumbass (either too easy or too fucking X6 hard), and the Falcon suit is absolutely pure shit. But of course, none of these issues can be really blamed on the X Collection, as the collection pretty much faithfully reproduces every single true X game except for Mega Man X3...

Sure, I sort of wish that X7 and X8 could've been included in the collection as well, but I knew they wouldn't considering that they still sell minute copies on the PS2. I also wish that maybe a few of those Zero games from the GBA could've been included as well, but those ones still sell quite a bit on the portable system to this very day, so why bother?...

In the end, I got exactly what I paid for, and exactly what I knew I would get going in...

I paid for old nostalgic memories of X1 and X2... and maybe some of the few decent stages of X3, shitty ass FMV or X-Men movie or not...

Unfortunately, I already own these games, and I still choose to play them to this very day on their native system. With the best damn controller ever made and absolutely zero load times, of course...

While sure, I'm still impressed that Capcom did such a faithful job in emulating all those games on the Nintendo Gamecube? Still, now that I look back at the $34 I spent on the Mega Man X Collection just last week, when I should've just saved my cash for a goddam DS Lite?...

I mean, while not buying this game when it was first on sale a long time ago, was one of my greatest regrets of the entire year?...

The thing is, I think it's now safe to assume that X3 will garner even more fucking money for Fox than either of the first Xmen movies ever did. Which is quite a shame, considering that in my honest opinion at least? X3 was definitely the worst of the trilogy...

That's not to say it was a bad film though. It's just not what I had hoped, that's all...

If the critics have compared the original Xmen film to Star Wars: A New Hope, and a lot of fans still insist that X2 was the Empire Strikes Back of the series? Then it's a pretty safe comparison to claim that X-Men 3: The Last Stand is The Return of the Jedi of the franchise...

X3 suffers from a huge letdown of rushed proportions. While X2 may have been a bit to meticulous in pacing (and bored me at times as a result), X3 is just so damn hyped up on Ritalin and drugs that it just never feels like it does it characters time nor justice...

It's pretty safe to claim that absolutely none of the characters in the X-Men series really evolve or develop past their X2 personality and roles here in the third film... Sure, Storm becomes a leader, but it's not like Halle Berry can act her way out of a paper bag. So why should we care?... And Hugh Jackman gets to play the big ol' romantic hero, but if anything? That's a step down from his role in X2, where he seriously provided an intriguing father and son relationship when it came to both Professor X and Stryker...

A lot of fans have ripped apart the movie for Cyclops pretty much getting ripped into atoms within two minutes of film exposure time. But why should any of us be surprised? Why should any of us complain?...

Okay, the big change for the franchise is that <GASP> Professor Charles Xavier gets ripped apart by the mild mannered mind of Jean Grey. It would be a big gasping moment though, if the same thing hadn't already happened in the comic books a thousand times fold... with the same damn solution for immortality as we got in this film...

I mean, invasion of the body snatchers? Transferring your memories into some dumbass new body? WTF?...

God, the handicap pity sex must've been mad insane before they broke up (she's his former fiancee in the comics, if you don't know). Too bad the camera panned away before we got more mad hospital "welcome back from the dead" necrophilia sex after the ending credits finally rolled...

Now, there is one name above all else that X-Men film lovers loathe about the third in the trilogy. Just like Star Wars fan groan at the sight of George Lucas directing another one of his shitty ass films, even I can't help but roll my eyes at the thought of Brett Ratner taking over Bryan Singer's hard work and dreams...

And the difference in the two director's visions shows clearer than daylight at Alcatraz in this film. Bryan Singer actually cared about the emotion and motives and drive behind the characters of the X-Men universe, and tried his hardest to relate their issues to the modern world. Meanwhile, Brett Ratner rushed through every single emotional scene in the film except for Famke Janssen making every man and woman in the audience blush, as if he couldn't wait to get to the big ass explosions he had set up for Jackie Chan in his mind...

Take the whole Rogue, Iceman, and Kitty Pryde (Shadowcat) love triangle for example. I mean seriously, how the fuck could a director possibly produce a more amateurish, teen angst angle on screen?...

Bobby Drake was a good character in X2, if only because he took the starring role of Buffy the Vampire Slayer in Joss Whedon's "coming out of the closet" to the parents scene. But what the fuck did he do in X3?... He completely ignored Rogue as if she didn't even exist in the film. He had a fucking Dragonball Z Saturday morning cartoon showdown with Pyro, finishing it all off with the worst CG T-1000 effect I have ever seen since T2. And he spent the rest of the fucking movie ice skating with a 19 year old girl who looked like she was 12...

According to the comic books, Iceman is an "Omega, Level 5 Mutant", just like Jean Grey. Apparently, this requires Bobby Drake to be horny and pedophillic as hell. WTF?...

Rogue was almost completely non-existent from the film. The only scene that she really even was noticed, was when Storm was ranting how there was nothing "wrong" about her, how there was nothing to cure... What a fucking bitch Halle Berry is. Sure, if you can control the weather and be treated like a goddess wherever you turn, there's nothing "wrong" about you. But Rogue not only can't touch a single living being without hurting them immensely, but is fucking losing her boyfriend to a fucking girl from grade school. WTF?...

I was surprised that Marie actually took the cure. Normally, a film would have her returning at the end in some big heroic fashion, as probably only her suction capabilities (along with Leech) could even remotely stall Phoenix in the end... I was shocked that she came back to such little fanfare with no powers whatsoever. But what difference does it make, when she's had absolutely nothing to do in the films since the original X-Men movie anyhew?...

And Storm here was a complete bitch the whole way through. Who's bright idea was it to give her more screentime? Who's genius idea was it to let her talk? WTF?... Why the fuck did the writers actually cave into Halle Berry's demands, when she turned out to be absolutely the worst leader in the history of the X-Men? I guess that's true for the comic books as well. But did we really have to get the most laughable eulogy about Professor X at his funeral to just prove that point? WTF?...

From an action point of view, Storm was improved I guess. Her spinning Chun-Li bird kick effect wasn't nearly as a bad as I was expecting, and it's always great to see one bitch in a catfight fry another with lightning bolts... But my God, is this so-called goddess just simply horrible at acting. It was both her and the fucking president who made this film feel like a fucking "Direct to Home" DVD movie with their fucking lame ass acting. All she did was whine and gripe to Wolverine the whole movie long...

How the fuck did this bitch win an Academy Award? I enjoyed her performance more in fucking Catwoman, for Christ's sakes...

I was surprised at Kitty Pryde though. Besides looking positively hot and illegal in a fucking X-Men jump-suit, she actually was given a significant role in the film. While I will never understand why we didn't get the Colossus versus Juggernaut showdown here that we always demand from the comics, I was still impressed at how Shadowcat battled the unstoppable behemoth in the final scene...

Brett Ratner didn't seem to give a damn about any of the pre-existing characters from Singer's reign. It definitely shows when Rogue gets the boot, yet guys like fucking Multiple Man of Charmed and Jason Dean fame get more fucking development time on screen...

But for his own new creations? Ratner actually gave the audience something to cheer for. Take Cain Marko for instance...

The crowd was roaring in approval at that line. It's both hilariously sad and funny at the same time, when a nod to an internet fan-made video of all damn things gets the biggest goddam reaction in the entire audience of nerds. WTF?...

Obviously, Juggernaut got the Sabretooth mindless minion treatment here. In the real comic books, Juggernaut is Professor X's step-brother and probably one of the biggest X-Men villains out there (next to Apocalypse, Mr. Sinister, and of course, Magneto). In the movie though, he was only here for shits and giggles... The thing is, Vinnie James actually did deliver those shits and giggles. I would've preferred a final epic battle to close out the X-Men trilogy, but it was still just somehow also enjoyable in a comic relief sort of way, to see Juggernaut ram through walls and fucking get his ass whooped by Kitty Pryde of all bitches. Talk about losing your fucking balls and pride...

Kelsey Grammer was introduced as Beast and Brett Ratner made sure that he was an awesome character. And Frasier certainly did not disappoint... As the intellectual mutant for the ages, Kelsey Grammer was a perfect choice to be an advisor to the president and a trusted friend of Charles Xavier. In fact, probably the only moments of Beast that I didn't like, was when he was making lame-ass puns and comebacks with Wolverine when they first met...

Rather than dwelling on that god awful script writing shit, I prefer to think back to the stunned look on Hank's face when he saw his hand shed its fur and turn back to normal upon approaching Leech. Just the little moments like that were Beast to the purest sense, and I just wish this film had more of them...

Instead, we got all the time in the film wasted on pure cannon fodder like Callisto and even fucking Pyro. I mean, why the fuck did they introduce Callisto as an enemy for Storm, when their whole Morlock story from the comics wasn't even mentioned, and Callisto isn't even supposed to have super fucking fast speeds in the first place?...

As for the summer student suddenly turned pyrotechnic psychopath? Besides getting beat down by Bobby Drake of all nerds, Pyro got his ass whooped by Magneto for claiming that Xavier deserved to die. Did the guy do anything else at all, besides a few pretty light shows in the final "Last Stand"? How the fuck did he turned completely ambiguously evil again?...

And who the fuck was the Spikey headed guy? Why the fuck should we care about him again? WTF?...

Brett Ratner spent the entire film hyping up his villains just for the major battles he would fight. The thing is though, there was just no meaning behind the battles, as absolutely none of the social-political aspects and modern day moral dilemmas of the first two films even got a chance to have their opinions heard in the third film... I mean, sure I may be no fan of preaching in the movies. But the spirit of the X-Men series itself just felt lacking as a fucking result of Ratner's obsession with just getting to the next explosion sequence...

A cure is found for the mutants, thanks to the mutant Leech (and yes, he is in the comics) getting his DNA replicated in a fucking Bright room. The thing is, why is the idea of locking this boy up for eternity and using him solely for medical purposes never even mentioned or argued?... Sure, I'd just claim that the boy already has more than he could ever want. While fucking Nicole Kidman and Samantha Carter to boot, he gets his own fucking free Xbox 360 in his room. What the fuck is there to complain about?... But still, it's absurdly annoying to me that the issue of his captivity was never even brought up. Isn't he supposed to have rights, you know?...

The only true issue that did come out was with the weaponization of the cure. Beast resigned as a result, but did we hear any more clamouring over the moral implications of such an action?... I actually agree with the wussy ass president in this film, that cure weapons were really the only way to subdue villains like Juggernaut, Multiple Man (maybe), and Mystique. But besides a few words from Magneto and getting some kick ass plastic military men action at the end of the film, did this fucking moral dilemma even cause a fucking stir in the movie at all? WTF?...

Why the hell did we never even get a real follow-up to Mystique's condition? She was robbed of her abilities, and left all alone and naked by Sir Ian McKellen (who apparently was not amused that the mutant could no longer shapeshift into the sex that he wanted...)... She should've been given time in the X-mansion for instance, learning what it means to be human and what it means to be fucked out of her supernatural abilities. Yet instead, all we got was a token scene of her being a "woman scorned", which led to nothing but a Magneto trap anyhew. How the fuck could Brett Ratner not only ruin but completely ignore one of the deepest characters of the first two movies? WTF?...

The cure was simply meant as an excuse to a) introduce Angel, who seemed to impress all the high school girls in the theatre I was in with his goddam Batman and Robin poses, and b) to wage a war between the humans and mutants again, just like the first film...

I do admit, Brett Ratner definitely does know his action. He just doesn't know how to build suspense or common sense, that's all...

I will gladly admit that the Golden Gate Suspension Bridge being ripped apart and built into a new bridge to Alcatraz was simply awe-inspiring, and right up there with one of the most impressive things that Magneto has ever done even in the comic books... What was not impressive however, was that Brett Ratner completely forgot that it was supposed to still be day when his fucking night battle began. And apparently, he never realized that maybe Magneto could fucking steal a ship or a ferry and use that to get to the fucking island instead. But whatever...

The first film in the X-Men series was absolutely the best film in the trilogy to me, simply because of the relationship between Wolverine, Professor X, and Magneto. While Charles Xavier was quickly wiped out of the picture here in X3, at least Ian McKellen was still here to pick up the pieces of his dignity that he still had left for being in the film... And besides being a complete wuss while Phoenix was tearing up her old home? I really did think that Eric Lensharr stole the show once again. His speeches were script writing at their worst, but he more than made up for it with every single look and glance he gave in the leadership of his mutant army...

Hell, Ian even did a great job of playing his younger self from 20 years before. While Patrick Stewart looked more like a white version of the Tasha Yar tar monster than Captain Picard of the first TNG season, I loved how the digital effects really did make Magneto look like his more youthful and vibrant former self... It wasn't just the digital make-up of that scene that I adored, but rather the fact that Charles Xavier and Magneto were still best friends at the time. The two actors really were astonishing in just the way that they perfectly played off of one another...

And hot damn, did Professor X ever want to tap that adolescent, Jean Grey ass...

(I'm not kidding either. Take one good look at the Onslaught comic book series if you want some proof...)...

A lot of fans have complained that Professor X manipulated Jean Grey, that he put mental blocks into her mind to prevent her from becoming the Phoenix. In essence, fans complained that Xavier was acting more like a villain than superhero in this film... The ironic thing is, these so-called complainers must have never fucking read the comic books in the first place. Because if anything, the Professor was far more true to the comics in X3 than he ever was before. He indeed did put mental blocks into Jean Grey's mind to prevent her from wrecking havoc with her powers, and these mental blocks really did get destroyed once the Phoenix Saga took place in the comic books...

Now, I didn't particularly mind the cure plotline in X3. Afterall, it led to a decent fight scene of Beast CG-ing all around, and Kitty Pryde kicking Juggernaut's ass and taking his name. I just thought it was all lame and unnecessary in the end, considering how fucking epic the Phoenix Saga could've and should've been if left alone...

The Phoenix Saga is right up there with the Death of Superman in terms of comic book arc popularity. It's such a fucking shame that the Phoenix never got the chance to truly shine in X3, as the vast majority of the film just had Famke Janssen in a fucking Neo trenchcoat in the background. She didn't even participate in the fucking human versus mutant battle at the end. I know she would've been bored as heck with all those worthless pawns, but still, WTF?...

For those of you who don't know, The Phoenix is arguably one of the most powerful beings in all of comic book lore, and supposedly could wipe out Superman with a single thought. And thankfully, at least we did get a small dose of what kind of limitless potential Jean Grey really has here as a true "Omega, Level 5" mutant, in what I consider to be the only a few select scenes worth really an entire damn in the fucking film...

First, the seduction scene. Wolverine and Jean getting it on was hot and bothersome, both in a good and bad way. Famke was fucking smokin' hot in her little tank top, and just had that kind of wild attitude that screamed "fuck me up the ass before I disintegrate your body with my cum". Or some shit like that... And even when Wolverine relented, obviously since his face was being blown apart by hot and horny fire? Jean Grey saves the scene once again by flinging him effortlessly across the room, then tearing the door off of the medical lab in a way that would make even Ian McKellen blush...

Second, the house scene. Obviously, having Wolverine against Juggernaut (and losing badly) and Storm against Callisto helped out in the Ritalin department. But the meat and potatoes was obviously Jean Grey and Professor X locked in a battle of the minds, which is a showdown that has happened in the comics before and still goes down as one of the best of all time... I was not surprised that the Professor would lose, considering he lost in the comic books to her before. I was however moved by just how epic the whole wrath of Jean Grey felt, as she ripped apart her house like a fucking banshee poltergeist screaming to be free...

Probably the only truly great Wolverine scene (except for perhaps his love for cigars) was when he was witnessing Jean blow away her mentor into ashes. It was a moment that literally lasted minutes on film, and probably was sadly the last thing that Brett Ratner actually spent his time and effort on filming, as the rest of the film just fucking felt rushed and wasted instead...

The one thing that truly felt missing in X3 was the old relationship we used to have between Wolverine and Professor X. While Xavier has always been overly protective and manipulative of Jean Grey (even in the original film, where he lied that she shouldn't use Cerebro), the Professor used to be nothing but a great mentor to Logan. And unfortunately, that dynamic was completely absent from this film, as if Brett Ratner refused to have his star badass be pussified by a bald man with an English accent...

Instead, he pussified him with Famke Janssen. The romantic garbage was stuffed down our throats between the two of them, even amongst their fucking teen angst glances in the woods as Wolverine was sent soaring amongst the trees, just for shits and giggles...

The final battle with Phoenix truly was epic in visual quality, as Jean Grey really did rip apart the entire fucking island as if it were almost nothing. Obviously, she could've blown away Wolverine too (yes, even his Adamantium) if she really wanted to, but some fucking part of her wanted to die... I know Wolverine couldn't have cured her, considering her mind probably wouldn't have allowed a dart or needle to get close enough to pierce to skin. But still, I expected something more out of those two than just "oh shit, forbidden love" Smallville looks between the both of them until Wolverine finally did what he did and plunged his three damn phallic blades into her sac. WTF?...

Then he held her in his arms as she smiled her last gasps for air. But wait, are we supposed to care? WTF?...

Yes, Wolverine in the comics really did kill Phoenix. But there was just no build-up to their final confrontation here in the film... Sure, I loved the special effects of Wolverine getting everything but his fucking underwear blown off by Jean Grey in the final bout from a special effects standpoint. And hell, even the music in that moment was pretty good...

It just felt so damn mechanical, so damn methodical. Almost like cold steel, really...

In my honest opinion, the original X-Men film was just like Star Wars: A New Hope. Rough around its edges, and perhaps a bit too slow to start. But it had real heart, it had real grit, it had Hans shooting first, and it had real characters. Real enough for us to give a damn about them...

X2 was just like Empire Strikes Back. Improved writing, better cast, some of the best battles and revelations of the series, and also probably the most epic feeling of the trilogy overall...

But yes, without a shadow cat of a doubt, X3 indeed was the Return of the Jedi of the goddam series. While still a good movie by itself, it just doesn't feel like it completes the series like the third in a trilogy should. Despite certain characters being killed off or "cured", it just doesn't feel like a worthy epilogue to the fucking best comic book movie franchise ever told...

But wait, wasn't X3 supposed to be The Last Stand? We're not supposed to get any more movies in the franchise, now are we?...

Well, tell that to George fucking Lucas if you want any conclusive proof of when a series is finished...

... and tell that to the fucking "$107 million opening weekend box office gross", while you're at it too...

[c. visitors too bored to return...]
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