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Friday, March 28th, 2003

Y2kk Update: Well, this is it... or rather, last week was it, whatever it may be... and no, unfortunately, it wasn't the kind of it that every itch wants to be. But rather, it was the end of an era, though hopefully not the end of a beautiful friendship... My closest friend as it stands today will be still around, in a manner of speaking. It's just that he no longer has a home near mine, and without a base of operations, he and I really can't watch any movies after today anymore... unless we have fun filled matinee days where we watch five films in one afternoon and he rests for the night in a hobo shelter or something, but that's besides the moot point... The point is, of course we're still going to talk. It's just that, things won't be the same. He's sort of been my anchor these past few years, don't you know. He's really the one left that I trust, and trust with the Basic truth... It's not like I've gotten all sentimental and weepy about it, mind you. It's just that, the more I think of it, the more things change, the more things stay the same, whatever the hell that's supposed to mean. I really haven't known what I'm talking about these past few weeks... not like this... not with her looking at me...

But anyhew, the two of us had one last whoop of a hoorah last weekend, when we went to see View from the Top together. I wasn't real interested or invested in the movie, but I just had to see it, if only to catch every last breath of Toronto's own Mike Myers in action, knock on plywood. And truth be told, even though he technically didn't star in the movie, he was truly the only star in my eyes that I saw. Every single moment with him on screen was more than just goooolddddd, and more than just eviiillllll... it was Mastercard priceless... Everything, from the first moment we see his one eye crossed, to his final moments where he tells Gwyneth Paltrow to fly away, was simply Mike Myers at his non-Austin Powers best (although my friend did note that his wacky, controlling ways seemed reminiscent of a prequel to Dr. Evil...). I loved how he kept staring at the girls he was interviewing, telling them to stare only at his one, good eye. I loved the sense of crossed-eye serenity in his face as he tolled the bell, saving him from having serendipity thrown into his face. I loved the fact that he had a "that's procedure" sign in the back of his room, for whomever's eyes were wandering from the star-studded action. I loved his disgruntled passenger routine, as I finally got what he meant by "emPHAsis on the wrong sylLAbol"... I couldn't help but have a ball, and ball in laughter at the sight of Mike Myers actually finishing a rubix cube or whatever during the flight attendants' test. But strangely and oddly enough, his greatest moment came in the end bloopers, when his one good eye mistook a 6 for a 9, to make 51 or 59 or 69 or whatever, if only to redeem himself for the few movies where he hasn't been goooollddd.... Pure and simple, Mike Myers has and forever will be pure comedic genius. There was absolutely nothing about his character I didn't like, as having a one-eyed man, so to speak, as a flight attendant trainer was one of the most ingenious ideas I had ever seen put forth. Right from the moment that he repeatedly called girl names wrong off the list, simply because he can't even read with his good eye, I knew I would cherish View from the Top, right from the top, taking it from the top, simply because Mike Myers was definitely on the top of his game.

But I'll admit something here, gentle viewers (or non-existent readers). I didn't just see the movie for the twenty minutes that Mike Myers was on screen... I'll admit here and now that I used to have a crush on Gwyneth Paltrow, even though I still can't spell her name easily yet (I did spell her name right, right?... "Literacy is a wright", but, um, nevermind...)... I've always had a thing for blondes, ranging from Jodie Foster to Sarah Michelle Gellar. And there was just something about Paltrow that made me smile... outside of her movies, that is, since I absolutely abhorred Shakespeare in Love, and God knows what else Horse-shit, Horse-Whisperer, fancy, artsy, Mr. talented, alien Ripley, murder mystery movie she did next... and the thing is, her tradition continued. Of not picking the movies at the top, it seems. After seeing her back in perfect form in Goldmember, all thanks to Mike Myers, I was really hoping that she would come out on top in View from the Top, considering I always love actresses in comedies, not over the top dramas. But the thing was, for a comedy, Gwyneth Paltrow wasn't exactly funny... Sure, she had a couple of rold gold moments, such as her panic when leaving on a jet plane for the first time, and when she was beaten by a bread roll by her former trainee friend. I also thought she had good spirits in the final curtain drum roll dance, although the dancers in the back obviously had more pizazz that anyone in the front... But overall, though View from the Top wasn't exactly the romantic comedy or even the comedy I was expecting, it was still a decent role for Gwyneth Paltrow to play. I liked her sincerity in the movie, although her blind ignorance at some points did tick me off (though that was the point of this success over love movie, wasn't it?). Even though she owed that first flight attendant friend, whatever her name was, a hell of a lot for helping her through her early days, she simply let her go with a hug and never saw her again? It also pissed me off how she became a pilot in the end. I mean, part of the movie's message was that if you put your mind to it, you can achieve anything... but, um... as a guy who's kind of getting killed in university right now, this movie was just salt on the wound, as I just couldn't stand how Paltrow's character, whatever her name was, became a bloody pilot, one of the damn hardest jobs to earn in this day and age. I mean, honestly, catch her if you can, but I don't think anyone can, considering she just magically is able to get perfect on everything... hell, throughout this movie, nearly everyone was damn perfect. I needed a friggin' bell as a noose to calm me down... damn eye exams...

Because that was one thing that bugged me about Ted, her stale, one dimensional boyfriend. Just naturally, he just happened to become number one in his class too, as if it was bloody easy to be the best in the hardest of schools. But I mean honestly, only one person can be number one. And therefore, there's always somebody that has to graduate last in the class as well. How do you know it's not your lawyer?... how do you know it's not your pilot?!... and, well... okay, time to ring the bell and calm me down... damn serendipity... But as for the rest of Ted's character or whatever, like I said, it was stale and one-dimensionally flat. I know guys are always pretty useless in romantic comedies, but honestly, did Ted do anything besides be there for Paltrow to come home to? Sure, I thought the touch of destiny, in which the two star-crossed stars of the movie met together in Cleveland thanks to fate cheating them, was kind of appropriate in the end, but besides that, the guy didn't do anything, and the girl's only role in the movie was to realize that a pilot always needs a co-pilot by her side... Which brings me to Candice Bergon, if that's how you spell Ms. Murphy Brown's name. I only had one problem with her: she was too perfect! Goddammit, I wasn't expecting this going into the film, but in the end, she was the damn perfect role model, and the damn perfect mentor. In her commercial at the start, it looked like she would be one of those frauds of perfect people, just trying to make a quick buck with her pass the buck book. But in the end, not only did she inspire Paltrow to be the perfect flight attendant, not only did she save Paltrow from her clepto friend's cheating, but alas, even after telling her, "I know what I chose", signifying that she valued career over family, she still managed to send Gwyneth on the perfect role to a perfect, by the book, ending to a romantic comedy... dammit, all these perfect lectures I could've done without. I learned everything I needed from Myer's, "you have to get off your ass to earn a buck", thank you very much...

And I mean honestly, is everyone in the world as damn perfect as these people are? You've got a girl who just wakes up one morning and decides, "I want to be a pilot". You've got a guy who wakes up one morning and decides, "I want to be a lawyer", and somehow, ad hoc manages to become number one in his law class by simply having someone believe in him... hmm, sounds like a certain other movie, but that's besides the point... And you've got a mentor who somehow already is perfect, juggling success with family as only A Wonderful Life can. So honestly, who throws a shoe? Is it really any wonder that in the end, the only two characters I truly did cherish were Mike Myers' and Christina Applegate's, simply because neither of them were perfect?... well, Mike Myers is perfect in comedy, but I'm talking about his character... In the end, although I definitely favour View from the Top thanks to a certain Canadian actor, I just couldn't really enjoy the scenes where he wasn't on screen, simply because the characters were too perfectly flat for even a romantic comedy. Ted was just there to look good for the ladies, Paltrow was just there to get a $40 haircut that stunned me flat on her back, and Murphy Brown was there to sell the movie as her character does books. All three characters were straight-out archetypes, which normally wouldn't be a problem with me. You've got the loyal, home-grown lover. You've got the success over marriage girl. And you've got the perfect, wise elder. And all three together made one big strike out of a Blue Crush wipe out... But don't get me wrong. I personally thought View from the Top was the best movie I've seen yet this year, I think, though I can't remember any other movies I've seen... But the point is, I see it as a Mike Myers movie, not a Paltrow movie, simply because... well... I'm jealous that I can't be like her. Why can't I be always first in every class? Maybe she should write a book on it or something, so I can take up flying lessons, and maybe some math lessons on the side, so I can start adding her to me to make 69, but that's besides the point...

But View from the Top wasn't the end of my finale of a weekend excursion with this close friend of mine or whatever. I wasn't going to report it this week, but since I don't really have anything better to do (except study for my finals in a couple of weeks... oops...), I might as well give my review for WWE Crush Hour for the Nintendo Gamecube... Just getting the game was a chore, because you know, even for a game like this that is reportedly a charred snore of a bore, it sure was in high demand... I saw it for a dirt cheap price at an Electronics Boutique, and even though I didn't know anything about the game except that it was a bad Twisted Metal clone or whatever, I decided to waste my money on it, if only so I could run over people with Stone Cold Steve Austin or whatever (whom I still haven't played, come to think of it). The problem was, my brother (who was going to pay half of the cost) wanted to see if Best Buy had a better price, so we walked for five minutes, checked the nearest store, saw the only WWE game they had left was sadly enough, the Scorpion King, and then returned to EB... only to find that... hark! The only copy of the damn game was gone!... My brother then went to the cashier to ask if they had any copies in the back, only to find that the person who was ahead of him in line had our copy of Crush Hour in hand, and apparently the only copy of Crush Hour left in the store, goddammit... As I was playing the latest Zelda: Wind Waker demo on the side, my brother dimly reported to me the news, and thus we dashed for the car and the nearest EB next to this one... we got there just in the nick of time... Like pricks, we picked up the one and only copy of Crush Hour for Gamecube there, and the funniest part of it all, was that we were right there, ahead in line of the one guy who also wanted the game and was just going to ask for a copy... heh... it's a viscous cycle, a viscous circle, like a WWE Crush Hour arena, but that's besides the point...

The point is, WWE Crush Hour has no point, and that's what makes the game so great. Slur the blur of graphics if you will. Slant the kant of shitty sounds if you must. And kill whatever rhymes with kill when it comes to the Attack of the Twisted Metal clones gameplay if you really want to, but the fact of the matter is, my friend and I had fun with this game... well, in small doses at least, and why? Because it's so simple to pick up and play, and therefore, it's worth noting that it's the best bargain basement game I have ever picked up to this day. Although I really wished there was a four player option, the two player option works wonders with two bots. Sure, it gets repetitive, just holding down the shoot button as you search for foreign weapons while building up special attacks, but simply the thrill of skidding with the L button, Mario Kart style,  taunting opponents with the voice of Matt Hardy, while ramming into Stacy Keibler's sides with a truck as revving as Brock Lesnar's, just somehow brings out the phallic, giddy school girl in me, it's true, it's true... Of course the game is paper thin in the end. The season mode (which I haven't fully completed once yet) is trying at best, in which the repetitive nature of the game really offers no value in single player mode. And in multiplayer, although the computer is damn easy to beat on hard, I really wish THQ had put in a proper cooperative mode in (texas tornado style, that is) instead of only that tagging thing, which I admit is quite innovative in the end... But although the maps themselves aren't very innovative or invigorating, the types of battles definitely are. Survivor Series is a hoot, and the Battle Royal is a hell of a lot of fun to play. I haven't unlocked the Royal Rumble yet, but simply the thrill of being the last one standing is giving me a fond feeling for this game... even though my brother bests me five to one every single round, but that's besides the point... But like I said, the point is, this game has no point, and that's truly the beauty of it. I can pick it up any day of the week, play a round or two, and not feel inclined to worship the optical disc it's based on like I do for Zelda or any truly involving and invoking game. I still play EA Sports hockey and soccer games to this day, simply because their gameplay is so damn simple yet so damn addicting that even NHL94 is still on my playlist today. And I'm hoping WWE Crush Hour will be, just like WCW Revenge, WWF No Mercy, and WWE Wrestlemania X8 continue to be to this day. Because you see, I don't need a point in games. All I need is to have fun, in one fell swoop of a coup d'etat. Or smashing the orbs of Rock's sports coop, in co-op mode at least. Either one's the same...

And besides all that, there really isn't anything to say about Crush Hour. The graphics are moot, the sound is shoddy (no music? Wasupwidat?), the battle arenas are poorly designed (although hell in a cell isn't bad), and the commercials in season mode are horrible (although I haven't seen the Stacy Keibler and Trish Stratus Survivor one yet). But overall, I got what I paid for. I paid to have a good time with my friend (although I know that doesn't sound good, considering I've been referring to Mike Myers and 69 throughout this update so far), and that's what I got. A game he could pick up and learn everything about in just a few minutes, enough to whoop my ass with Kurt Angle, it's true, it's true. That's what I'll always remember this game by, not like I need reminding or anything... I mean, what's the point of reminiscing about a game that absolutely offers no point whatsoever? And that's the Mastercard priceless point, but that's besides the point... because it all sounds like so much fun, doesn't it?...

Before I go, I'd better get on with my Buffy the Vampire Slayer review of the week, before my hard drive suffers a complete meltdown along with my RAM, but that's a story for my Tweakui site this week... This week's episode was Lies my Parents Told Me, and for the most part, it was one of the best episodes of the season. I've always enjoyed flashback episodes (well, Spike and Darla flashbacks at least, not really Angel's), and this one was no exception. James Marsters is a great actor (for years, I never knew he wasn't even a Brit), and it showed as he really seemed to care about his mom. One of my favourite moments of the entire season came when he was talking to Dru on the comfy couch, telling her about becoming the next scourge of Europe, the three of them together, the third being his mom... I loved the look on Dru's face: "you want to bring your... mum?..." And the way Spike just brushed the comment off, as if there was nothing weird about it? Priceless... it was gooooolllldddddd, but, um, nevermind... His moments with his sired mom later on were wonderful as well, thanks mostly in part to the brilliant bobbing and weaving it made with the present scenes of Wood pushing his face against wooden crosses. Although as a Freudian fanatic, I would've preferred if the mother and son innuendo went on further and, um, more poignantly direct, it was definitely still, um, provocative, the way it was. Spike was a little too nice for a vampire in his flashbacks, considering how damn stupid but evil he was back in season 2, but it truly did fit in with his current character, of being a demon that's so damn nerdy that he actually does care for people. He cared about his mother enough to give her eternal life, he cared about Dru enough to love her for a century, and he cared about Buffy enough to get a soul, just so that he wouldn't be beneath her anymore... no wonder I admire Spike. I'm jealous.

Buffy had a couple of decent scenes this episode, in which I liked it when she was mocking Richard's name in the fight of her life. Giles stalling Buffy in the graveyard worked quite well, although I can't remember anything he really said... Wood and Giles played off of each other quite well this episode. I liked their exchange about Spike and the military chip at the start, with the principal looking as confused as if he was watching a bad soap opera or some crap like that, which he sort of was. And I did like the solemn stare on Wood's face when Giles realized Spike killed his mother. I thought the two shared quite a few things in common at that moment, as Giles can convey a truckload of notions in a single look, stronger than a locomotive... As for the rest of the cast though, they were practically non-existent. Willow's real role this week was on Angel, but I won't review Orpheus here or anything. Xander was just dander or dandruff in the background, while Dawn was just fluff with a bandaid on her head. Anya went blonde again, although I doubt Giles will notice a second time around. I personally thought the hat on her head was cute, as was her line about Spike having a get out of jail free pass or whatever, but one line isn't really worth a mention in this episode... Overall, I did love Lies my Mother told me. I've been a Spike fan since season 2, and he was great in all his scenes in this episode. He acted a bit too callous and soulless at the end though, after Wood had cured him of the trigger. I would've thought he'd actually be sorry or what not about killing Nikki the slayer, as he said in his triggered state, but it seems that souled Spike is still the same old Spike we've always known. As a demon and as a man, he's still the same person it seems. And thus, no wonder I admire Spike. I'm jealous.

For what must a man do, to be hers?... but not like this... not with her looking at me... not with her leaving on a jet plane, wanting me to fly away... because that's procedure... to wanton... wanton... I don't even know how to pronounce that word or what it means, but does it really matter? It's like an apparel pair of paradigms, growing on a Chaucer pear tree, whatever the hell that's supposed to mean...

Friday, March 14th, 2003

Y2kk Update: I know, I know... this update is three weeks overdue... I warned you no-name readers, that my wang for zest would wane, whatever the hell that means... I warned you readers, if I do have readers somewhere in the globe, that my stupid school year or at least stupid exam time would eventually interfere with the writing of my no-name reviews that nobody never reads, not even me... Of course, in the end, it wasn't my schooling or drooling or court ruling that stalled this update for three bloody weeks. It was my sheer laziness, and the fact that I chose to play my Gamecube more than I ever studied or wrote, but that's besides the point...

I guess I also haven't written for a while, because there's not really much I want to write about besides my life. I was going to comment on Joe Millionaire, how my brother actually made me miss WWE wrestling on a Monday just so he could have some water cooler talk to cool and smooth out relations with the girls he has back at his university base. And the saddest part of it all, was that I was probably going to skip wresting anyhew, even without his encouragement and domination of the remote control, simply because I actually did like Joe Millionaire... I've been able to resist reality shows before. I was a minor fan of Who Wants to be a Millionaire, but Survivor on an Island was just not enough of a Temptation, the Mole was too much of an electric Chair, and Big Brother was... well... Big Brother... All the above just didn't cut it for me. No reality show did. Not until Joe Millionaire. Because somewhere, somehow, even though it played out like a tabloids TV documentary, with slurps being added in, even when we couldn't actually hear them, the truth of the matter is... if tabloids didn't ruin people's lives and have such stupid headlines, I might actually read them... Because simply put, just the look on what's-her-name's face when Evan revealed to her that he wasn't a millionaire and then just left her, leaving her out in the cold with the cold shoulder... well, it was priceless... and God, I was even left in suspense when what's-her-other-name was shown pissed off about being lied to, before showing up at the final ball, because surprise surprise, you're on camera... The show was chock and literally cock full of moronic, low-class, priceless moments. And that's why the show was a success. Hell, as a wrestling fan, that's why the hell I liked it. Because it reminded me so much of me... or maybe not...

I guess the other reason why I've been so reluctant to write this bloody update, is because I didn't really want to write my Daredevil review. Not anymore at least. It's been too long. As boring as I am, I'm a man of passion. I only write about stuff I feel I need to get off my chest. And Daredevil? Probably the biggest problem with it, was the it was so comic book formulative. I really felt no real passion in it, even with the love story... Which ironically enough, was probably the best part of the story. In the end, Daredevil was probably the best comic book film I've seen in, um... a while... I was never a big fan of Spiderman, and although I respected X-men, it just wasn't entertaining. I never really counted Blade a comic book movie, although I loved Blade 2. And besides that, I really can't think of anything else recent to mention, and by the rules of elimination, that leaves Daredevil on top... which kind of sucks, because I just felt so little chemistry in the movie, even with Elektra Greek Nachos or whatever she's name was, on top in bed, but that's besides the point...

Jennifer Garner was probably the best part of the film. Her entrance into the film's foray was absolutely perfectly done, with Matt Murdock smelling her scent like Wolverine on a hound-dog. I loved her ignoring of Matt when he was asking for a taste of honey, as it reminded me all too much of my success at getting a girl's attention... And without a shadow of a doubt, my favourite scene in the entire movie was the playful fight between Matt Murdoch and Elektra in the playground. Sure, it irked me how the kids in the background were chanting "fight", not realizing that most recess fights don't involve backflips and kung-fu. But honestly, right from the moment where Affleck cracks his neck, cracks about her name, and the two combatants simultaneously shrug off the clothes from their own shoulders, almost like an orgasm, but not, I knew the moment would be Rold gold. And it was, as the battle on the titter-totters was one of the most innovative and sexually invigorating fights I've seen in a movie in a long time... or was it just me?... It's just too bad the movie couldn't keep up its level of fun and excitement from there, as the latter half of the movie was far too melodramatic for my tastes. Although I loved the scene where Elektra was covered by rain, allowing Matt to see her face in full beauty, that was probably the last scene that I enjoyed with her. It was touching how she covered her face with an umbrella later on, obscuring Matt's view, but honestly... everything that came before and after that was just plain hooky. She went from beating Matt's head with an ugly stick on their first date, to practically begging to have his abortion by the dance of their dinner date. And her fight with Matt and Bullseye near the end of the film? Sorry for the spoilers, but although I was shocked that a beloved character like her would die, I was sure as hell not impressed with her final bout. Either because it was too dark (purposely so), or because none of the choreography was inspired or original, I just couldn't care about her wacking herself off with her psis or her piss or however you spell those weapons against Daredevil. And although I liked Bullseye line about being magic, it was really just dumb how he stabbed her instead of doing something creative with his perfect aiming ways. Despite Elektra kicking Daredevil's ass, she barely managed a fight against Bullseye, and somehow that just cheapened the whole feel of the scene. The only things she actually could beat properly to an ugly stick pulp, were those sandbags she was shredding to the sound of No Way Out music. And as a wrestling fan, when I heard that music in a supposedly serious moment? Go ahead and sue me, but I couldn't help but laugh at the cheapness of the whole gig...

But like I stated above, there were two scenes I loved: the playground fight, and the rooftop rain, and Ben Affleck contributed to the two just as much as Jennifer Garner did. But for the rest of the scenes, when he wasn't with Elektra? The problem was, Ben Affleck was a good actor... for a teen bopper, romance story. But as a superhero? I'm sorry, but he was as bad in this as he was in Sum of All Fears... He had some good moments as Matt Murdoch or Murdock or whatever. His quips with his law firm partner were amusing, but his speech in court about justice, and his comic book line about justice being served at the end, reminded me so much of my horrible, high school plays that I was covering my ears and slamming shut my eyes by the end of the film. I give credit to Affleck though, if that was him in the fight scenes. Even though I know it was wire-fu-ish, I did find his timing in the playground fight to be quite impeccable. And I did think his first battle with Bullseye was memorable, even though all he did was make the guy miss once, think twice, and kill the Nacho man father with his own walking stick. And I tried to respect Ben Affleck at two moments: his fight in the club against all those guys with guns, and the moment where he kept telling himself he's not the bad guy. But honestly, for the fight club former, even though the gun slinging was artsy,  I just couldn't stand the muffled sounds of the bullets. Maybe if I was a Daredevil comic fan, I would have, just like I probably would've enjoyed the first moment where Murdoch as a kid wakes up to the sounds of noises behind walls. But the truth is, I'm just a movie fan. I can't even spell Daredevil's last name. And the truth is, Matt repeating to himself that he's not a bad guy reminded me so much of me in Grade 9, telling myself in the mirror that I'm "not mean", that it almost made me laugh... And what really made me laugh, was his final fight against the Kingpin. The battle was so pointless that it really should've been saved for the sequel. It ruined whatever fond memories I had for the rain moments, as using the water sprinklers to see the Kingpin was smart, but somehow just contrasted the romantic scenes a little too much for my electric Nacho Chair tastes... The only thing I did like about that battle, was Michael Clarke Duncan making fun of Daredevil for being a blind man. Of course, if I was Kingpin, I would've just killed Murdoch when I had a chance. Of course he didn't. Instead, he stalled for three weeks like I did with this update, and why? Because he's evil. Because he wanted sharks with frickin' lasers on their frickin' heads.

And no, I will not see Dreamcatcher... It'll scare me so bad that I'll cry tears from the Sun!... unless we have a view from the top... or, um, nevermind...

Lastly, although I mentioned that Elektra was probably the best part of the film overall, it was Bullseye who was the best character, or at least he should've been. I loved the creativity he had in his kills, ranging from paper clips, to peanut bank shots, to three pencils guillotining the anonymous henchman's neck. Somehow, the last of the three reminded me so much of my university, but I digress... And I loved the look on Colin Farrell's face when Daredevil made him miss. His obsessive, compulsive, evil glare was just perfect, and since I had only heard good things about his character, I was sure I was in for a wild ride... Until I noticed the movie was almost over, and until I started making 98.5% wrestling predictions at the sound of Elektra beating up happy faces on sandbags. Because the thing was, Bulleyes' obsession led to almost nothing by the film's end. His killing of Elektra was anti-dramatic, despite the climatic surprise twist, and for God's sakes, where was his costume? He demanded a costume in his real yet seemingly fake Irish accent, and yet he wore just a damn trenchcoat by the film's end?... and his end? I'm sorry, but I just couldn't enjoy his battle against Daredevil. Sure, the stigmata bullet through the hands was kind of amusing, but I don't really think I was supposed to laugh that hard during such a pivotal moment in the film. And I also wasn't supposed to laugh at Bullseye missing every shot while Daredevil was doing nothing but backflips, although I did admire the ironic uniqueness of using Church windows as a weapon... In the end though, I really have just two main complaints about this final fight. Once again, although I know it was done on purpose, with Daredevil being a dark comic book hero and all, I just couldn't stand how dark it was in the Church. Because honestly, sure darkness is good for covering up bad CGI effects, but honestly, if I can't see the battle, I can't compliment it. And secondly... once again, Bullseye was a victim of the "evil" complex. I was practically balling, telling him to beat Daredevil up with a Botchy Ball or something, when he just happened to mention to Matt out of nowhere, for no apparent reason but to be evil, that Fisk was the Kingpin, as if it's in his nature to spell out secrets right before he dies... I also couldn't stand how he finally found Daredevil's weakness, and yet he all of a sudden stopped hitting the Orchestra pipes, as if he got bored of winning the bout or some crap like that. I loved Bulleye for the first half of the film, but he was just too cliche stupid for me by the end. I was hoping Kevin Smith (outside of his laugh out loud cameo) would at least write a villain that was decently intelligent, even if this was a comic book movie. But alas, some things just aren't meant to be. No Bullseye for me. He just missed the bus.

The thing was, the first half of Daredevil was excellent, and worthy of my praise. It had the wonderful playground fight, the bulbant rooftop plight, and even a good introduction to Daredevil, with the killing in the subway in contrast to his innocence as a youth. But the latter half of the film?... I'm sorry, but I guess I'm just not a fan of villains who just aren't smart enough to be villains, and fight scenes you can actually see. Sure, the movie was purposely based more on what you hear than what you can see. They wanted us to feel like Matt Murdoch to an extent, and I give them major props for modifying Smallville's x-ray vision to fit this Marvel genre. But honestly... I guess I'm just more of a movie fan than I am a comic book fan. The first half of the film was great, because it was both a comic book, and a movie. And the latter half?... well... it seemed more like a comic of itself... without any comic relief to make it tolerable, except evanescent feeling of having No Way Out...

Anyhew, I'm running low on time, so I'll move on quickly to my Buffy the Vampire review from three weeks ago. Storyteller was probably one of my favourite episodes of the year, simply because it marked the true, triumphant return to Rome of the Trio, the group I personally loved since the day they first appeared as one on Buffy. Andrew was my least favourite back then, but thanks to this episode, I now see that he has even surpassed Warren in my eyes. I loved his dream sequences, with Buffy winking at cereal, and with Spike being shirtless more times than can tell. I personally thought his little mental additions to the Dark Willow scenes were brilliant, not to mention his brilliance in his "in my plan, we are beltless" line. And call me classless if you will, not only because I enjoyed Joe Millionaire, but because I laughed both times at the sheer ridiculousness of his "we are gods" menage a trois... but honestly, Storyteller truly did make me miss the Trio. And even in the scenes without the Trio, Tom Lenk as Andrew truly did shine. I loved the way he mentioned off to the side that he placed his old murder weapon in with the household utensils. I loved the way he pointed stuff out to us on the Big Board, and talked about Warren and Johnathan as if they were characters on the television screen, and not his friends or partners in semi-evil. And that's why as cheesy as it was, with the tears closing the seal and everything, I found it rather provocative and revealing, how Buffy pointed out to him that life is not a story (which ironically enough, her life is a story, much to the chagrin of many online fans). I loved how this scene was almost indirectly talking to the online community, as they keep track of Buffyverse events almost as if they were sports stats, and talk about murders here and rapes there as if it was some damn mathematical equation, or at the least the Mathematics of Tears. And what boggles my mind even more was that after this episode aired, a lot of fans simply brushed all its comments off, and simply claimed this episode was horrible. Guess fans don't like to be told what to believe. They instead prefer to believe in Buffy, and think that there's no storyteller involved but themselves.

Anyhew, the rest of the cast this episode took a back-burner to Andrew, which was no problem in my eyes, but definitely a main concern for all those obsessive fans on the internet. Starting at the top as Andrew said, Buffy was brilliant in the cereal fantasy, but her only real true moment if you asked me came at the end, when she told to Andrew her first speech that actually did ring true. I also thought it was kind of cute how she did such a fake slap to the invisible girl. I personally wouldn't mind being smacked by her, if only so I know I'm not invisible to girls, but that's besides the point... Spike had only a couple of scenes. Shirtless Spike just had to make a comeback for the feminist fans, but I also enjoyed his little camera cameo, in which he even had his lines memorized, kind of reminding me of Buffy's dream sequence back in Season 4... Willow didn't do much but kiss Kennedy under the shadow of the perfect window, although I did like the look of boredom on her face when Buffy was giving yet another speech... Anya had a couple of great lines, mentioning masturbation, and half begging Xander for love and sex... Sex with the ex. I thought there was still chemistry between the two of them. I thought they still sparked. I also thought their love making scene felt out of place in the episode, as it contrasted too much with the fight in the school hallways... Xander was told that he was the heart of the team. His smile there was probably his only acting in the episode though... I had expected Dawn to have done more this episode, since she's the one with the real rapport with Andrew. Instead, she managed to just crack a smile like the rest, as the sweet-talking Andrew has a real way with storyteller words... All in all, this was Andrew's episode, his only episode, and it truly showed as I laughed not once, but both times at his little made-up fantasy excuses as to why he murdered his friend. I couldn't help but enjoy this episode, considering Andrew was essentially a representative of me on the small screen. It was almost as if votes to Congress (or Parliament for me) actually did give us a say at the end, whatever the hell that's supposed to mean... but alas, I guess that will forever be just a fable or a story of a peanut bank teller to me...

Lastly, Enterprise three weeks ago gave us a forgettable episode. Canamar was exactly Con-Air in space, as it was even written by one of the movie's writers. Overall, there's not much I can say about the episode, except that although some of the acting was nice, there's not much else nice I can really say. Archer was the star yet again, although he lacked any sort of real edge that could've made his role stand out. He just played along with the criminal captain as he piloted the prison ship. Besides that, and his Kirk-like attempt of a rescue of the criminals at the end, there's not much to say. Tucker had some memorable moments at least, knocking out a Nausicaan, and telling the guy who wouldn't shut up to shut up. As for the rest of the cast? Even T'Pol had nothing to do. She didn't even get to threaten the police alien or whatever you want to call him. Mayweather got to press some buttons, Hoshi got to spout a few lines, and Malcolm just sat at his post. All in all, it was just another regular Enterprise episode if you asked me. The only thing else worth noting is that I found it odd how it didn't show the prison ship burning up in the atmosphere, until I realized that they probably cut that scene, if only not to piss off people after the Columbia incident. I also thought that Malcolm Reed finally got some aim back in his phase pistol (which supposedly has no recoil whatsoever, so he has no excuse for missing). The only reason he missed his shots was because the villain criminal guy was hiding behind the other prisoners at the time... and, well... I guess I do have one thing left to say. Archer did have one decent moment at the end, when he gives the police alien guy his pissed off report. It was a short moment, and a pretty insignificant moment at the end, but at least Archer seemed real for once. It seemed like a true response, not one told by a storyteller.

Further Update (Saturday, March 15th, 2003): Well, chalk one up for the away team yet again... if you read my Tweakui update, you'll know it hasn't been the best of blurst of weeks for me. It seems even the Fates don't want me to finish this update, even when I was done... Because the stupidest part of it all today was, the week wasn't over... not for me... Because oddly enough, while I was writing the conclusion to this whole update of mine, my computer crashed. Right before I was able to save, the hard drive started making clicking sounds, almost like a Star Trek alien or a really bad Buffy villain, and then suffered a complete Clive cluster meltdown, almost as if there was a little Bond villain or a Daredevil superidiot inside, pushing the buttons to push my buttons. It took more than six hours today to remove my busted hard drives, steal a replacement from my brother's computer, and reinstall everything from scratch. I did manage to save all my important files at least... I now know that even when your hard drive is split into multiple, logical, Road to partitions, all your files still remain intact when you transfer the IDE drive from one computer or another... But even though my website files are all safe and sound, my pride definitely ain't. It's been one bad week for me, and I wanted to study real hard today, if only to begin my first baby steps to Angelic redemption. But instead, I was forced into slavery and staring at two fused and broken down hard drives, and cut my hands in three different places in the process... Oh, it's been a joyous week. A week I shall never forget, since I'll always have Paris. And if this is the kind of fun that I get for the anniversary of my Tweakui site? Then hell's bells, I just can't wait until the birthday of this no-name site, now can I?...

Saturday, March 1st, 2003

Y2kk Update: God, I am so damn stupid... Don't believe me? Then get a load of this... On Thursday, I found on the train ride home the girl whom I talk too much about, situated next to one of her old high school friends. Weirdly enough, either because three was a crowd or she actually was upset about the stuff I mentioned on my download site, the girl who talks too much barely said a thing. Instead, I found her friend to be a much better conversationalist that night, although I forget what we exactly talked about... except for one thing... I mentioned at one point that my dad was angry at me (or at least disappointed) that I did so horribly on my Electronic mid-term Tuesday night. The thing was, I was complaining to him about a question that used two or three transisters at once, not realizing that back when he was in college, he had to do questions with five to ten transisters, all working in series and parallel and tandem or whatever, all the time... That got this friend of my friend's mojo going, as he sort of took the words right out of mouth. He mentioned that my dad probably did these questions "uphill and downhill, both ways in the snow", and since that's always been one of my favourites lines, how I possibly resist joining on the whippersnapper of a bashing?... So since my father was from China, I commented that it's not just the snow he complains about, but rather going "uphill and downhill, both ways in the Himalayans", and that finally got a snortle of a chortle out of the girl who oddly (and eerily) no longer spoke so much... Feeling invigorated with comic relief, I continued on with my story, claiming that my dad also had to walk "both ways through the Hong Kong bay". And when the girl I talk too much about mentioned the Great Wall of China? Something just clicked in my mind, and I remembered an old story... I told them that my uncle once told me, that him and my dad once visited the Great Wall. And because my uncle always played sly pranks on my dear ol' daddy, he left him on the wrong side of the Great Wall that day, and all my dad could do was cry for help or for somebody to open the damn door... I personally thought it was a great story. And the girl who I talk too much about was laughing just so damn hard at what I had to say... it really made me feel special again, if only for a moment... but, um... the only problem was... um...

Goddammit, it wasn't until today that I finally learned the truth. I just watched a clip from Shanghai Knights this morning, and, um... I don't know how to say this, but, um... I truly am an idiot... Because now that I earnestly think back, there never was a real story about my father getting lost on the opposite of the Great Wall... that was from the bloody movie! That was Chon Wang, not my dad! I mean God, I mixed up reality with fiction, and only God knows how many times I've done that before... As far as I now remember, my dad's never ever been to the Great Wall, let alone find a way to get to the other damn side! And even if he was, with tourism today, why the hell couldn't he find his way back?... God, I feel so embarrassed. All I can hope for is that the people I said this too will forget all about the next time I mention my dad... Because honestly, who throws a cupcake? I swear, I really did think I was telling a true story at the time. And, well... That's the kind of impact a great story has on you, I guess. And who knows? Maybe it'll only be a matter of time until I start telling people my Uncle Ben was killed by a common crook that got away, and that I'm a father of a murdered son, husband of a murdered wife, and I shall have my revenge, in this life or the next... or actually, my only hope is that the girl I talk too much about never meets my father, or at least never nudges him on the elbow and mentions the whole Great Wall fiasco thing... So let's just keep our fingers crossed, and hope that she's a Quiet Canadian, shall we?

This review is long overdue, simply because I've been so damn busy these past few weeks. But as you readers know, I saw The Quiet American during the early half of Reading Week (and Daredevil the Friday after, but that review will have to wait), and even though my memory of the film has kind of waned over time, there is still one thing that I remember... The Quiet American was about as exciting and enticing to me as the Quiet Revolution. Don't know what the Quiet Revolution is? Don't bother. That's the point... I thought it would've been fun to visit pre-Vietnam War Vietnam in the movies for once, considering I am kind of getting sick of all the Full Metal Jackets and the We Were Soldiers. But the thing was, the film was exactly as the title says: quiet. Silent. Speechless. Heck, there really isn't much to talk about, because there really wasn't much to the film. The only thing I can faithfully remember is that I wasn't a very Quiet Canadian myself during the film. I kept sneering and snickering at Brendan's Frasier's faux French accent. I knew he could speak proper francais outside of reality television (and the Mummy Returns), which is why I found it so damn funny every time he imitated the language with such a bad American accent... I personally thought those touches were brilliant, and the only comic relief in an otherwise dull and lacklustre movie... and, well... I guess I don't normally like movies that practically scream out for Academy Awards, although I did love A Beautiful Mind and Castaway, but that's besides the Quiet Revolution point...

That's not to say I didn't respond to the movie though, because one thing's for sure: it left an uneasy feeling in my gut after it was all said and done, either because I didn't expect that ether of an ending, in which a certain someone was met with an untimely and murderous demise, or because I was simply disgusted by how bored I was... I guess either one's the same... The Quiet American at the core is a tale of morality, and really takes no side on who was right and who was wrong. And hell, that was the point that they were making. That no one is innocent, and no one is truly guilty. It's all relative. It's all about balance. I mean, the kind, gentle assistant to Michael Caine's Fowler ends up being a stab-happy communist in the end. Michael Caine himself ends up a little more evil than he ever was in Goldmember, but that's besides the point... And as for Brendan Frasier, the so called Quiet American? I knew he was evil as soon as I saw those glasses, but honestly, did the writers have to make such a cliche plot twist in the end? Sorry for the spoilers, but honestly, why must the American be evil in every "serious" Vietnam movie out there? Not that I'm agreeing or disagreeing, mind you. I'm just as sick of American propaganda as much as the next Quiet Canadian, but honestly, I'm even more sick of anti-American propaganda, especially after September 11th... Sure, the Quiet American tries to tell a moral tale, but I've heard the same story so many times before that I just couldn't help but snore through this film... Guess I just don't like movies with a message, although I loved Osmosis Jones and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, but that's besides the point...

But once again, I must reinstate the fact that I respect the film for at least having a vision. For instance, the love triangle was painful to watch at times, almost as painful as it is to read my updates, but I think that was how it was meant to be... not my updates, but the love triangle thing. It was meant to be painful, so we could understand the pain the characters were supposedly in... Brendan Frasier's love at first sight routine was even more corny and corky than mine, but it sort of worked in the end, as his dorkiness won the girl over much to my surprise, at least for a short time. Michael Caine however, never really looked like a man in love. Instead, I guessed that he simply liked possessing her, as he looked at Phong or however you spell her name more like a daughter than an equal. Phong herself didn't really bring much to the screen in my eyes, except recite for me a recipe of my own last name time and time again. Although I admit the buy-a-ticket-for-a-dance thing was pretty romantic at the end, it just didn't have the impact that I hoped it would have. And neither did the lie about the divorce, although the lie at the end with Fowler keeping certain dirty and dastardly secrets from her yet again did leave a slight mark on my stomach, like I mentioned before. Overall, the love triangle attempt was admirable, but just ended up feeling tedious to me. It definitely served a purpose in the end, as Caine seemed to send the Quiet American to his death more to get Phong back than it was to save the country or for his principles. But besides the climatic twist to it all, I just couldn't stand all the talk about being friends, and then moving on the girl, and blah blah blah... although you gotta admit, the British chivalry and politeness of Michael Caine was quite entertaining to watch as Frasier expressed his undying love to Phong in the same room.

But since I don't like to end reviews on an empty note, let me just mention one thing here... There were two absolutely memorable scenes in the Quiet American, that will usher in me a hush of a reverence and silence for a long time to come... I personally found the massacre at Phat Diem and the town square to be nothing more than overglorified make-up. However, the former was greatly enhanced and irrevocably tranced into my mind, by the seemingly 'romantic' conversation going on between Frasier and Michael Caine in the bomb shelter or whatever they were in down below. They were discussing Phong, with the American guy talking about love and Caine talking about his girlfriend as if she was some lightbulb or something (which was fitting, because he was as dull as a lightbulb for most of the film himself). And somehow, with the bombing going on above, this scene actually worked for me, much more than any car bombing or the blowing up of extra actors in watch towers could ever do... But the greatest scene in the entire movie came in the late stages of the town square bombing, in which the Quiet American revealed his true colours when he saw all the grisly deaths, and simply swiped away a blotch of blood from his perfectly white and seemingly angelic clothing... The contrast was brilliant, and it was truly the only part of the movie that I consider brilliant. For the rest of the movie, I was a Quiet Canadian because there was simply nothing on the screen for me to care about. But when Brendan Frasier didn't even care for a kid who had gotten his legs blown up thanks to his own, indirect actions?... Well, I was quiet, simply because I was as speechless as Fowler was. And I guess that says something... even if I would've preferred sharks with friggin' lasers on their heads...

Anyhew, I'm running low on free time (my dad just did a routine sweep of my room's perimeter to make sure I was studying), so I'd better quickly and quietly American move onto my Stargate SG-1 reviews for last week. Prophecy turned out to be the better of the double header if you ask me, and ended up being one the best episodes of the season as well... Sure, it was dumb how SG-1's stupidity came back to haunt them, as Jonas got a Kindergarten Cop or Phenomenon or whatever kind of tumour, most likely thanks to Nurti and the team's choice to simply leave the planet after Carter was cured... I really liked Jonas in this episode, as he truly did have to question his intellect for once, and not just his field skills. The story was right, at least in my views, that seeing the future does not guarantee that you can prevent anything, nor can it guarantee that you'll fulfill destiny exactly the way you saw it. Prophecy takes both of these grandfather paradoxes into effect, as Jonas' visions both got Carter half wacked, and saved SG-1's asses from an ambush on the alien planet of the week. I liked how Jonas doubted in himself, not knowing whether to trust his visions or not. And to be honest, I was left in suspense when the traitor on the alien planet heard General Hammond over the captured radio. I really didn't know whether it would cause the future to happen or prevent it, and thus, I have to give the Stargate writers real credit for actually making a episode dealing with time and destiny that was enjoyable to me... As for the rest of the cast, Carter didn't get to do much, except talk about quantum mechanics and the Heisenberg Principle (although her interpretation of it in terms of precognition is a bit too limited for my tastes). Jack didn't get any memorable lines this episode, and Teal'c was really just the hired muscle in the background. Doctor Frasier got to say a speech to Jonas though. I forget what it was about... Personally, I thought she was a good match for Daniel, but already people on the internet are thinking of Jonas and Doc Frasier sitting in a tree. I guess you just can't help falling in love with someone after you help to cut off a tumour from their brain... I should remember that the next time I want to get romantic, not that I'll ever get to chance to, however...

I mentioned that Prophecy was the better of the double header a week ago, which kind of disappointed me, since I was really looking forward to the season finale, Full Circle. And don't get me wrong. It was still a damn good episode. But it really should've been two hours long, as everything was dedicated to action rather than character development worthy of a possible series finale... Jack and Daniel had the greatest scene of the entire episode, and it came early enough to give me hope for the rest. I was already laughing when Daniel popped up in the elevator out of nowhere, ranting on and on about Anubis and Abydos, only to find Jack barely listening to a word, in which he has to revert back to the Jack and Daniel banter that put Stargate SG-1 on the map in the first place... I also loved the exchange in the briefing room, in which Jack and Teal'c both admitted to seeing Daniel before and not mentioning it to anyone else, while Carter in the background felt stifled and rifled beyond belief. She even sounded a bit agitated and lamented when she mentioned that Daniel "doesn't know", to which Jack brilliantly replied, "I know!"... However, the episode after that point sort of broke down when it came to familiarity. I was looking forward to seeing Skaara again, and although the look between Sam and Jack over the wedding thing was priceless, Skaara really didn't do anything after that. O'Neil barely seemed to care as his old friend and replacement son was dying, or even when he died, and although I liked some of Skaara's lines at the end, and the use of the kid's ball to have a scenery change in the background, I was still disappointed that our old Abydonian friend had nothing else significant to do... Running down the central cast, Carter didn't have many things to do, except shine a little red light on an eye that made it all too easy to find a weapon of mass destruction, one of which has remained hidden for millennia, even though the security around it absolutely sucked... Teal'c got to use a bad ass machine gun, and I was cheering at his use of a rocket launcher or whatever, but besides that, he was just muscle again, although I guess he doesn't need an episode centered around himself so soon after Changeling... Jonas didn't have much to do or say, except take out Daniel's old magnifying glass and tell him that he wasn't using it anymore... And like I said earlier, while Jack was brilliant at the start of the episode, he whittled down to just a hired hand by the end. I liked how he wasn't all invincible for once, and that his P90 shots didn't have True Lies accuracy for the first time in years, but still, it irked me how he didn't throw any damn grenades out the front door. Considering there were stairs leading downwards, shrapnel really couldn't done a decent job...

And as for Daniel... what can you say about the guy? It felt a little forced and rushed when he mentioned the tablet about the Ancients, and it felt a little awkward when he told Jack to hand over the Eye of Ra, but whatever staleness he had with the old team was all forgiven thanks to his final showdown with Anubis. Because honestly, the eternal battle between good and evil was finally back in full frontal force, with what the internet calls "Ben Danobi" and "Darth Anubis". And honestly, I was half expecting Anubis to say, "Stop me. Stop me now... Strike me down, young Jedi. I am unarmed...", or some crap along those lines... and quite truthfully, I enjoyed every bit of it, as the Goa'uld goading Daniel (or as I like to put it, the Goa'uld "goa'ding" Daniel... get it? Oh, nevermind...) led to an astounding climax with our favourite, little incorporeal entity being swept away like a bad Madonna film, and Abydos actually getting destroyed... However, a great start and a great finish couldn't save this episode from being just average or Just Jack in my eyes, just like a couple of admirable scenes in The Quiet American couldn't save the film from utter, rhetorical drudgery. But still, I must admit, that movie did have its merits... because like I said, Brendan Frasier cracked me up every time he faked his French, especially in the watch tower with a gun pointed at his head. Because honestly, if somebody can't even speak with a proper accent when his life depended on it?... then quite, quiet honestly, maybe there is hope that I'm not the absolute worst at goddam second tongues in the whole damn world... although you can definitely tell that I'm real bad at French if I'm trying to boost my morale by comparing myself to a fictional character, but that's besides the point...

[c. visitors too bored to return...]
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