An IvanF, IVT, No-Name Whiner, HomePage Production... March 2004: IvanF's No-Name Brand Website...

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I've had a crisis of sorts this past couple of weeks, with university labs here and backstabbings there. Which pretty much explains why I haven't updated this website for quite the longest of whiles... I mean, for bloody hell once, I actually was too fucking busy to write crap on my websites. I even missed out on writing for the fourth anniversary of my Tweakui site's incarnation, all thanks to goddam midterms and milestones and goddam school work messing up my week... But ay, finally here lies the clitoris rub. Finally, here comes the calm before the storm, as I get a short reprieve of a week or two until my final labs and final exams all rear their own ugly asses in my tits and ass of a face...

But I'll leave the details of one of the worst hell weeks of my entire short university history for my Tweakui and download sites... 'twas a week of infamy, that will probably only be beaten out in the "to-be-bashed-with-an-ugly-stick" competition by the upcoming Hellboy... But all personal IvanFian ranting aside, I might as well point out that Smallville itself had a crisis of its own last week. I finally caught a rerun airing of Crisis, and simply put, suffice to say...

"God, that episode sucked. Why didn't they just stick to the brilliant, blue screen of death thingy they had last week? At least that had a decent plotline going for it..."

In a week where I was having my own midlife crisis, obviously I couldn't be bothered with the Smallville episode of Crisis... I mean, sure I did watch it, but did I really care about it?... well, I can't really hate the episode for its use of time travel (at least it mostly stuck with my own beliefs, that the future is already set). But I can fault the episode for a) bringing that time travel crap out of nowhere with the goddam use of a cellphone, and b) for that god-awful scene where Lana actually believed Clark appeared out of nowhere due to time travel, and not because of the superpowers she must've seen him use a couple dozen damn times by now... Now, I admit, the episode did have a couple of decent moments. The Korean scientist with absolutely no accent became humanized enough to die a pitiful death, a decent plotline started with Lex vowing to take down his father, and the wonderful twist and juxtaposition to the storyline of Lionel Luther being on deathrow. But all these minor little moments couldn't save the episode from contracting a bloody hell liver disease of its own and dying a horrible, Everybody Loves Raymond death... Chloe was useless except for being captured. Lana just ran around. Was Pete even there? Clark's parents were stupid enough to give Adam a gun. And Clark himself? Couldn't he have just ran around in all directions after he just missed Adam stealing Lieutenant Hammond's truck? I mean, at bloody hell lightspeeds, I don't think it would've taken long to comb the entire goddam block... The episode felt like a popcorn movie in most respects. Unfortunately for me, the popcorn movie in question was that horrible Clockstoppers movie, which I simpy refuse to accept that Jonathan Frakes actually directed... If Crisis is any example of the February Sweeps best that the Smallville writers can mustard gas up, then give me a bloody hell technical difficulties screen anyday... and bring back Angel, goddammit! I'm talking to you, WB...

But if there was any single light shining in my horrible past two weeks, it was the season finale of Stargate SG-1's seventh season... I admit that some of the episodes this season have been hit or miss, with most of them lacking the rewatch value of the previous seasons. But goddammit, I've already watched The Lost City Part 2 a dozen times by now, and goddammit, I still haven't gotten bored of this episode! It seriously ranks up there with Angel's Damage and Enterprise's Azati Prime as the best damn episode of any show for the entire year. And dammit, it even ranks up there with Within the Serpent's Grasp, The Serpent's Lair, and The Fifth Race as one of the best damn Stargate episodes of all time!... First of all, let me get off of my chest that the SG-1 crossword puzzle has turned into one of the best damn Stargate gags since Teal'c was driving golf balls through a wormhole in Window of Opportunity. I thought it was brilliant how Jack wrote the name of the planet in the crossword puzzle without even knowing it... and I especially thought it was brilliant how he wrote "Uma Thurman" as a celestial body... The episode didn't have much humour after that I suppose, but I still laugh out loud everytime Jack rips off Daniel's "At" symbol from his uniform, only to end up staring in disbelief along with the rest of the group at what the hell he was trying to say... First of all, I must admit that in those two scenes alone, Michael Shanks truly shined in his role as Daniel Jackson. I mean, this was the Daniel of old: both intuitive, and a history geek at the same time. I loved how he was able to understand whatever sounds Jack was making to the Stargate symbols. I loved his look of disbelief when Jack announced "Terra Atlantis" in one of the best scenes since Torment of Tantalus... I especially loved how wonderfully annoyed Daniel was when, instead of gasping in astonishment, he blasted back, "Jack! We were just there!" And oh yes, thank you, writers! Daniel was actually DECENT at translating this time! He got everything right, right off the bat (probably thanks to his ascended past), which is more than I can say for his translation crap job in The Fifth Race (goddammit Daniel, "locus" is a fucking ENGLISH word!... but, um, nevermind...). My only complaint was that this episode lacked any real Jack and Daniel banter, although I still chuckle everytime Daniel seemingly shakes his head at Jack's little goose chase to the Tayonas planet. I also can complain that Jack and Daniel didn't really have a special moment together like Jack and Sam, and Jack and Teal'c did. All Daniel did was mutter that he "would've done it"... but I guess we got enough of the two having "moments" together back in part 1 of the Lost City...

I can't say that I really enjoyed the moments between Sam and Jack though. I didn't feel that their romance was forced, but even with all the relationship stuff in the episodes leading up to this, I still felt that it was odd how Sam would finally start admitting stuff for Jack at this sort of place and time. I also thought their talk of Sam taking command of the mission to be kind of lacking in the end. Even after 12 watchings, I still pay more attention to the hum of the tweaked hyperdrive engines than I do to those two stars of the show getting close... However, I do grin everytime Sam awkwardly assumes command and actually gives Jack an order for the first time. I mean, the look on Teal'c's face was priceless... And just like with Daniel, instead of feeling reassured or any crap like that, she actually seemed annoyed at O'Neill when the Lost City was revealed to be on earth! Utterly brilliant! If only I could write like that... The only main character on the show who criminally didn't get enough meaningful air time this episode was Teal'c. As if writing Changeling last year lost him camera rights this year, Teal'c basically did nothing this episode except sit by Bra'tac's fallen side and pilot the cargo ship around Antarctica. I did find the moment between Jack and Teal'c to be rather touching though... quite literally, at least. As a guy, I sadly have inhibitions about touching other guys' faces, so the first time I watched this episode, the Teal'c and Jack scene did feel out of place. But after more and more watchings, I really started to enjoy that one scene alone. Christopher Judge can truly demonstrate a huge wealth of emotion with just a head nod and his patented "indeed"... And at least Teal'c got to kick ass against the Anubis drone soldiers. Although it still boggles me to hell how humanity actually built energy weapons within their regular firearms (I guess along with the BC-303, we're more advanced than most races out there now), it was still pretty damn cool that Teal'c could just stand there out in the open, and waste supersoldiers by the dozens...

And as for the other characters? Jessica Stein played a rather brilliant Elizabeth Weir for all the scenes that she was in, and the actress will sadly be missed when her character returns without her in Stargate Atlantis. However, two things were strange: a) she never once seemed in awe of the working Stargate in either Lost City episode like most newcomers do, and b) she was in barely any scenes in part 2... but still, for the scenes that she was there... I absolutely loved how bad her bad "kitchen sink" joke was (hell, every joke in this episode somehow seemed to hit the mark with me). And although the camera work was cheesy, I still enjoy the moment where the entire base somehow shakes from whatever Anubis sent through the Stargate (although it would've been funny if that was Thor who dialed into earth and stepped through... but nevermind...). However, I didn't feel she had any real chemistry with Senator Kinsey, animosity or not. Then again, I've never really respected Kinsey, even as a villain. It's not his cowardice that bugs me - it's his stupidity... Running away was perfectly natural for him, but completly ignoring the Goa'uld threat last episode? Or saying a bunch of idiotic crap to the president over the phone?... I don't know. His character just didn't cut it with me. But don't let the suit fool you - President Henry Hayes was truly the man this episode! Every scene he was in, he commanded with authority. I still roll around laughing every time Anubis holographs himself into the Oval Office. Not only is it ridiculously funny to see the guards empty machine gun pistol rounds into the president's family pictures, but I just love the president's new catch phrase: "Never going to happen!"... sure beats the "Axis of Evil" crap any day of the week... I mean, simply from the way he even loosened his tie when the thirty plus Goa'uld motherships appeared in orbit, the president owned the camera. From his assessment of the initial three Goa'uld situation, to his lack of panic (and thankful lack of Texan enthusiasm) at the sound of the Nimitz battle group dying a five minute death, I just wish America's real president was as damn solid and sophisticated as Henry Hayes was this episode...

Now onto the best parts of the episode... I've already mentioned that the moment where Terra Atlantis was revealed to be one of the best damn Stargate scenes ever since Torment of Tantalus. I was simply in awe at the revelations we were getting about the Stargate universe, even if I had always suspected that Stargate Atlantis would... umm... obviously have something to do with Atlantis... I also found it just as intriguing that earth wasn't The Lost City in the end. We were obviously a military outpost for the ancients, where they built one of the coolest sci-fi weapons of all time (it was like a living pillar of fire or a thinking finger of God - I loved how it dynamically twisted and tornado turned to swat Goa'uld glider bugs out of the sky...). But now the Stargate universe has truly opened up, with much better mythology than ascended being crap could ever provide. I mean, why did the Ancients die out? How could a measly virus get the best of them? Why were they building tons of weapons and a Lost City when the Goa'uld were no match for them? Why were the Ancients so much more advanced than even the Asgard of today (except for hyperdrive and transporter technology, it seems)? And if earth is not the Lost City, what was our planet's real purpose then?... I've loved the idea of earth being a colony of an ancient race of advanced humans ever since I first heard of the real Atlantis myth. So obviously, it comes at no surprise that I would fall in love with the myth finally becoming reality in the show... and obviously, as a Star Trek fan, of course I would fall in love with the epic battle scene between the Prometheus & the fleet of F-302s versus Anubis' gliders and Alkeshes... I mean, I was a bit disappointed at first, I must admit. I really felt that stuff involving that obviously evil Jaffa traitor should've been cut short, just to give a few more precious seconds to the battle of Hoth or Antarctica or whatever. But for what's there, I'm still impressed even to this day... General George Hammond truly got a great send-off from the show, even if he seemed quite out of element on the Prometheus. I loved the first barrage of ass kicking missile fire, finally taking down those Alkeshes that the Tau'ri never seem to be able to down (although if it takes three missiles to take one Alkesh out, I'd definitely think about attaching some death glider cannons to those F-302s). And even after that, with very little actually going on in the battle (planes were just flying around, barely shooting at each other, with the Prometheus only firing machine gun rounds for some odd reason), I was still greatly impressed by all the special effects. Hell, even the cargo ship flying through Antarctica had some of that "wow" feeling missing from Stargate ever since last season's Redemption, actually... And the moment where General Hammond was about to ram the BC-303 into Anubis' ship (since that one piddly missile it fired obviously did no damage)? I admit, I thought Bra'tac might die in this episode (his and Jacob Carter's times will be up soon, I know...), but I knew in my heart that Don Davis wouldn't die in his final episode. Nevertheless, I was still left wondering in anticipation whether SG-1 would save the day before General Hammond went down with his ship. And the scene where the majestic Ancient weapon tears apart the entire thirty mothership fleet? My only complaint was that poor Anubis didn't really get much room this episode to feel menacing... hell, he even looked pathetically short compared to O'Neill down in the Ancient's complex (couldn't he just enlarge his holographic self to be imposing?). But it was still satisfying to see his vessel go up in a billow of blue fire... Somehow, this episode just felt complete. Like a true full circle, which is more than I can say for last year's pathetic season finale...

My only real complaint with The Lost City Part 2 was that it felt rushed at times, with some odd pacing from here to there. The evil Jaffa thing definitely should've been cut shorter, if only to make room for more Jack moments with the rest of the team. And although I thought the cliffhanger part of the episode was done nicely (the "dormata" thing), the pacing of it still felt off compared to the slow dribble of seeing Jack walk through the Anubis hologram... but these minor quips aside, this episode absolutely kicked ass, and probably will end up as my favourite episode of the entire season of all shows. From the brash collision of the two warring fleets, to the simple smile on Bra'tac's face when he first heard Hammond's voice, to even the cheer out loud moment when the President mentioned that Canada knew about the Stargate - this episode was filled with the greatest of memories for me... It was definitely the best Stargate season finale since Nemesis, and probably the best damn action episode since The Serpent's Lair. And considering I'm counting it as more than just a worthy successor to The Fifth Race, which sits behind Best of Both Worlds as my absolute favourite television episode of all time?... well, that's saying a lot. And that means alot. I mean it. Because The Lost City did something that I didn't really think was possible during a hellboy week like this one of mine... it left me both satisfied, and craving for more... it truly brought forth the best of both worlds...

Y2kk Update: Well, this sure as hell has been a crapper of a week... I mean, half of its crappiness I expected, and ranted, and rhetoricked about for weeks before on end. But the other half of it? Honestly, I thought everything was going fine for me this week. And that's the thing... I'll save the details for my download site this weekend, but it's just bugging me so goddam much to this day... that everything I thought was perfectly fine, ended up going horribly wrong for me in the end. As if I was goddam cursed by goddam watching Charmed or some horrible show like that, it just so happens that as soon as things started looking bright for me - as soon as I started gaining back my confidence? - I got bitch slapped back down to earth by some horrible misforgivings that are definitely going to take a hell of a long time to forget... if I can ever forget... lest I ever can forget... and the sad thing is, for once, I don't really believe that the new crosses I now bare are my own fault...

Luckily for me though, amidst absolutely the most horrid, atrocious week I've had in months, television was simply at its best for the first week of March. For any other week, Stargate SG-1's "The Lost City - Part 1" would've been absolutely, undeniably declared my favourite episode of the week. I mean, sure it had its slow spots, but the episode was really that damn good as a donut of a whole... The Fifth Race still stands today as my favourite Stargate episode of all time, and one of my favourite shows of all time, period (but nothing can beat "Best of Both Worlds"... but I digress...). And The Lost City is already shaping up to be an epic, direct sequel to the story, as right off the bat, the episode had me at hello... It was a bit aggravating at first at just how damn weirdly or "derentous" Jack O'Neill was acting at the start of the episode. He even showed disrespect to General Hammond after being late, which I hope a reason will be revealed as to why later on (unless Frasier's death is still rattling him up)... But either way, I still enjoyed the start of the episode, simply thanks to two great, three letter words: crossword puzzle... Well, okay, so maybe my filling-in-the-blanks is about as accurate as Jack's brilliant "fat" for the atomic weight of Boron (which is 10.8, might I add). But honestly, The Lost City truly shined in the sense that the little nuances of comedy were all there in full frontal force. I loved the "up, down, charmed, strange" quirky kind of quark joke. I loved the fact that Jack wasn't allowed to ask anyone for help on the crossword puzzle, yet he even asked the airman in the elevator for consultation... And I loved the entire scene in Jack's house, mostly thanks to some brilliant comedy. Although I sort of wish this episode had the kind of Jack and Daniel banter found in Abyss and Full Circle last year, it made up for it with Teal'c's obsession with donuts, Daniel getting drunk on Guinness, and Jack finally revealing what we've all known along: Mr. Burns is a cover up conspiracy for the Goa'uld!... but the scene wasn't just one of my favourites of the whole season for its comedy alone. I loved the look on drunk Daniel's face when Jack mentioned dying, but no-one had the guts to say anything about it... I loved the awkward chemistry going on between Jack and Sam before the other guys arrived on the scene (great timing, guys...). She finally asked about Jack's wife, Sara, and it was painfully obvious through her glowing skin that even saving the world wasn't worth losing Jack in her eyes... And goddammit, I can't believe how funny the damn 'unfunny stories' were! I've watched the Lost City three times already, and each and every time, I crack up at the team's lame excuses for showing up at Jack's door... The awkward friendliness in those few scenes truly stand today as some of the best camera work ever filmed for Stargate. And already, even before part 2 airs, I'm loving this year's season finale much more than I ever did last year's. The only finale that can match it, is probably the first season's Goa'uld invasion one (although I loved Nemesis as well...).

Because so much was happening in this episode that it really, really, ridiculously feels like a majestic series finale (which it was originally)... The new President Hayes made a comeback, and truly showed off his acting strut in his scenes with Dr. Elizabeth Weird (umm... I mean, Weir...) and General Hammond... First of all, I'll get off my chest that Kinsey was annoying this episode, especially when he changed his story over the whole Anubis invasion thing, but I guess that was the point. But probably Kinsey's strongest moment was in the car at the start with Elizabeth Weir, because he actually looked satisfied for once instead of just threatening and complaining around. I loved the "this is not a joke" signed letter from the President - the timing was perfect with Weir's reaction... And Elizabeth Weir herself? The short blonde hair did make her seem like a Carter clone at times (wasn't she offered the Carter role a long time back?), and I didn't really think Jessica acted well when she was trying to be all shocked about the Stargate problem and all. But she did show a kind of gentle kindness and poise when she first met Daniel that really showed off the potential of her character... Finally, we have a fool who thinks she can negotiate with the Goa'uld! Her naivete was a refreshing return from the Daniel Jackson of old, and the chemistry between the two characters was undeniable as soon as they started labeling each other as "people like you"... I liked the references to America's "Manifest Destiny" and all the stuff I forget about when I turn on the television. And I also liked how innocent she seemed - I mean, just the way she'd swing her head around, pretending like she knew what was going on but really didn't, was probably the best feeling since Jonas' cocky newbieness in last season's Redemption... And I liked the idea of the writers letting Don Davis bow out of his role gracefully, while raising the stakes pretty damn high by putting civilians in charge of the SGC. Although I doubt this new government branch thingy will last long after Anubis attacks and the president sees what he's up against (and maybe Kinsey change his mind as well... or on second thought, nevermind...), but just the look in Bra'tac's eyes when he wouldn't even shake Weir's hand was worth the price of admission alone... Too bad General Hammond never got a scene with Weir though. Because he's really been on a role of a roll as of late, starting with Heroes and cumulating with his brilliant "a lot of hair ago" comment to the president. It was weird seeing the ol' Homer clone calling someone a "sir" to their face for once, but he really did seem to show respect for the new president in a way that felt real. And he really did seem sad but respectful when he arrived at Jack's house to tell him he's been relieved of command... I'm going to miss Don Davis. General Hammond was probably the most lovable teddy bear of a general ever, and I just hope he goes out with a bang in The Lost City - Part 2... without actually going up in a bang, mind you...

The Lost City was great on so many levels, thanks to all the special effects and all the great performances by the actors. Jack peeved me at first with all his up, down, charmed, and strangely inappropriate comments... But when it came time to saving his team? he became the serious Jack of old, and "did it again" by taking in the Ancient's knowledge... I loved the moment where he shoved Daniel aside to save his life. Hell, I loved the entire battle sequence, especially the chill that came down my spine when Reynolds ordered a constant radio signal to keep the Stargate open (finally, a team doesn't look openly stupid while guarding the gate!). Probably the only problem with the battle scene was that a) the Goa'uld were goddam stupid, shooting the ground for no reason whatsoever a mile away from SG-1, and b) the SG teams were pretty dumb themselves, using machine guns to try to take down Alkeshs when they really should've brought a Naquada or mini-nuke missile or some crap like that... But still, the battle was amazing to see, simply because of the stunning composition of music and atmosphere. And hell, the atmosphere of the entire episode was incredible, in large part due to the acting, and also in part thanks to some great nostalgia ("Derentous? What is that?!")... I've already mentioned Carter's and Jack's contributions. I loved their chemistry with the crossword puzzle bet, and I loved their inability to admit anything to each other back at Jack's place... I loved how "deep" Teal'c was, and Daniel really showed some poise, conviction, and open mindedness when talking to Weir and introducing her to Bra'tac... If there was any flaw in this episode, it was that it didn't end on the greatest of notse. Instead of simply seeing Teal'c and Jack hug, perhaps the episode should've left off with the shot of Anubis' fleet in space?... I don't know. Either way, the dialog in the episode was what made it great, and as I said, if The Lost City - Part 1 had aired on any other week, it would've been a classic shoe in to be the classic, best IvanFian episode of the week...

But you know what was probably the best damn episode of the week?... Well, it seems Smallville had a bit of a little "Crisis" this week...

"... the first half hour was Raymond's face (from Everybody Loves Raymond) just frozen in space, making a face on the goddam television screen... the rest of the show wasn't much better: a blue screen of death, telling us there's some technical difficulties, as if Raymond just staring blankly into space like a naked zombie on prom night wasn't fair warning enough... And yet the WB somehow still found a way to run commercials during their broadcast?!... and you know what this means, right?...

Suffice to say, the episode didn't exactly air the way it planned... Or did it? The title of the episode was strangely ironic afterall... Either way, I'll probably catch a rerun of the show sometime next week. Not that I'm losing sleep or anything about missing another lame Adam-goes-psycho and Clark-hides-things-from-Lana-yet-again episode, of course...

Luckily, the WB managed to fix their television feed by the time Angel aired. And thank God or the Old Ones for that, because goddammit, I wouldn't have wanted to miss this episode... I mean, if "Shells" had aired any other week, it probably would've been declared my favourite episode of the week as well... Sure, it wasn't the most entertaining of shows, but it had a lot of great dialog and a lot of moments that just made me go "wow" or "really?", assuming the latter is a good thing... I mean, poor Fred. I laughed at her all last week as she was dying, and I laughed at her little montage of a mountain dew song this week. But something happened by the time I saw Fred packing her things up and leaving home in the flashback - I missed her... I missed her as much I loved her, as her cheery, cherry quirkiness and bashful, blooming cuteness was just as appealing to me as the fairness of her skin and hair ever was... And the thing is, Amy Acker did a great job as Illyria, with the alien head bobs and the cutesy little PN03 dancing to avoid bullet shots. But as cool as naked and sexy Illyria was (although I would've preferred a Star Trek catsuit, thank you very much), she wasn't Fred. And suddenly, it hit me - as Illyria was asking for Wesley's help in the end with such a cold, hollowing voice - I'm going to miss Fred so much! Sexy Fred isn't enough! I need glasses Fred back! I need science Fred back!... I'll give all the credit in the world to Amy Acker for somehow combining the character of Fred, with the harshness and yet naivete that that smurfette, Illyria, brought into the fold. And I'll give all the credit to the writers for making me miss a character so much for the first time in a long time... But I'm afraid, that with Angel ending this season (WB dropped it, UPN didn't pick it up, and I doubt SciFi will bother now), that I'll never get to see my precious Fred again! Maybe she'll get lucky and get Shanshued in the end, but still... Illyria was not the Big Bad of the season. But rather, she's here to help, shown from the fact that perhaps both Fred's memories and her own fears of being alone, will cause her to befriend humanity in the end. But even though it'll be nice to see who the real Big Bad of the season is, I guess I'm just a little sad now that Illyria will be there until the final episodes, helping out the gang - always present, but not as the Fred I love... guess I'm in the same boat as Wesley then, eh?... yeah, I miss her... and that says a lot, coming from me... considering we're talking about a fictional character here...

As for the rest of the characters... Gunn was most definitely the highlight of the show. His speech in the hospital bed was a bit too overplayed (I hate it when actors have to say the same line out loud twice... works in paper, but not in practice...), but I loved the rush of a chill I got when Wesley was standing right next to him in the office, apologizing for taking out his frustrations on Charles, since Gunn had 'nothing' to do with Fred's death... I loved the dryness in Gunn's voice at the time. I love how he was about to cry, but couldn't... I just wish I could duplicate same feeling the next time I'm petitioning off an exam... And Wesley himself? I laughed and snickered a bit at all his too-serious acting when it came to Fred's death. With the actress still around, I'll miss Fred - but I don't feel like she's really gone... But while Wesley's moping got on my nerves, I loved the two scenes where he actually took some spiny action. Stabbing Gunn was not only a shocking sight, but it was also pretty damn ironic - I was almost expecting Wesley to smother Gunn with a pillow in the hospital bed, just to repeat history all over again... And shooting Knox? Obviously, I didn't really mind that evil Knox died, considering this season, he never really reproduced the glory he had in Buffy's "Conversations with Dead People". But his death was absolutely brilliant comic relief! I was rolling my eyes at Angel's Buffy-like, black-and-white speech. And then out of nowhere -> BANG!... "Were you even listening to me?"... Heh. Brilliant. Poor Wesley... I just wish I could've felt something for Fred and Wesley at the end, that's it... As for Knox, since he played such a big role this episode, I might as well comment that it was probably his best Angel episode ever. The actor is definitely at his best when playing someone who's nerdy yet evil, and his awkward "my bad" comments were just as amusing to me as some of his psychology stints were back on Buffy. I especially loved his "Mom thought I was reading porn" comment... guess it reminded me too much of my own youth, as long as you substitute Illyria with... umm... well... porn... And as for Angel and Spike? I can't say I liked their battle with Illyria very much. While I found it cute how Fred was dancing to avoid bullets, I must admit that her dodging of the sword swings had too much style and not enough substance. I mean, it forced the fight to feel slow paced in the end, unlike the first battle with the Beast last season. But at least the "bullet time" didn't feel like a total copy of the Matrix in Angel, which is more than I can say for Smallville, mind you... And Angel, Spike, and Lorne all played back-up roles this episode. Angel felt horrible for letting Fred die, Spike got to be the man by beating the man - by choosing to stay until the final fight, and Lorne got to... umm... do nothing?... Either way, while Shells was not the perfect episode, it was much better to me than last week's episode, and definitely once again was some of the finest writing on television today. While it can't touch Just Rewards, Damage, or You're Welcome in quality, it definitely does stand on its own against every other show on television today...

There's only one show left to review by this anal-cyst... and as the no-name Trekkie, I just have to say...

Azati Prime kicked ass! And all sort of primal ass in the process... While this week's episode may still not beat Anomaly for best Enterprise episode of the year, it definitely follows up on Stratagem as one of the best episodes I've watched in a very long time. Everything about this episode simply felt perfect, even if during the commercials, you started realizing that some things didn't completely add up... Let's start with Archer. Sure, I can complain that his argument to Degra and the other Xindi was a bit weak (then again, these guys must believe anything if they believe a she-voice from the future)... But why quibble about that, when there's so damn much to gloat? Bakula executed his farewell speech with sheer brilliance. His seriousness actually put meaning into his reminiscing of being explorers, and his actor goofiness actually provided comic relief when he mentioned the crew still has a lot of stars to explore... I loved the internal strife and conflict that he's been harboring and bunkering up within himself up until this episode. He still feels regret for Sim's death, and now he has the blood on his hands for murdering three Xindi in cold blood. I loved the scene where he forced himself to destroy the outpost - I actually felt a chill, because he knew what he had to do, but you could see how much grief he was in, wishing that he didn't know... And his suicide mission plan was actually a good plan for once! (although warping right to the edge of the planet and bombarding the outpost with every photon torpedo they've got might've been better...). Perhaps thanks to the overdramatic music that actually worked, I actually wondered what would happen to him as he dived the Xindi shuttle like a sub. And in a way, I was actually thankful when he was captured... His interrogation was far more entertaining to me than Picard's ever was with the "four lights". While Jean-Luc's torture was actually meant to be painful to watch, I enjoyed the comedy that Archer brought into his capture. Some might think that mentioning turtle soup was kind of lame, but I personally got a chuckle out of it, and I enjoyed every bit of the Xindi firing back with news that the Enterprise had been found... And as for his chemistry with Degra? Once again, the two actors worked brilliantly off on one another, and the talk of children (introduced in Stratagem) truly made the episode feel as a whole with the rest of the Xindi arc. Hell, this episode may even outstrip Anomaly in brilliance, simply because it manages to tie into the entire arc of the show in just one episode... While I think the Enterprise-J in the future had absolutely the worst looking corridors since Voyager, Archer's talk with Daniels had me intrigued at the edge of my seat. We finally learned who the real threat was - the Makers will invade and be beaten back by the Federation (which includes the Klingons? What?...), in a scene that lacked battle drama but not brilliant special effects. We learned that the Xindi had been fooled, and that Archer destroying the Death Star weapon will only make things worse. These revelations didn't just bring real meaning to the Xindi arc, but also to the entire Enterprise series itself... Finally, the Temporal Cold War arc is truly feeling like something fresh and threatening. And Daniel's desperation in his voice, rather than his normal cockiness, definitely helped set the brilliant atmosphere of the episode. I mean, if I didn't know Enterprise would continue on with new shows after April, then I could've sworn this episode felt like a massive budget, season finale...

Sure I can quip about the Star Wars parallels. Obviously, the Xindi weapon was the Death Star, but I couldn't help but snicker at how much the Xindi ships underwater reminded me of Naboo, and how photon torpedoes had to destroy "the core" of the sphere... But why complain about silly things like this when the episode felt so powerful in the end, despite its cheesy moments? Yes, it was strange to me that T'Pol not only cried (why cry over Archer anyhew? You love Tucker, T'Pol! Not Archer! Believe me!...), but she screamed at Tucker when she was obviously making an illogical command decision. And Tucker's "what the hell is wrong with you?" comment may have been pretty damn insensitive, but it sums up the scene and her actions quite as well. T'Pol is now obviously showing signs of some sort of internal problem, possibly from the disease she got back in season one. While I felt she overreacted far too much to the captain's suicide mission, I must admit that her character arc is getting really intriguing, if only because I want to know if she belives she feels anything actually real for Tucker... And as for Tucker? I understand the chain of command, but I was sort of upset that he didn't try to press Archer, his best friend, to pick someone else for the mission. But little complaints aside, Tucker had some great lines, from the going in "ass-first" comment, to simply the astonished look on his face when he first saw the wonderfully animated Disney-world of a Xindi weapon underwater. I've watched the episode four times already, and I still get shivers down my spine whenever I see Tucker bracing for that first shuttle dive into the ocean below. The music all throughout this episode was nearly perfect, and was definitely the best Enterprise score done since the Borg episode last season... And if there's any reason to celebrate over Azati Prime, it's that Mayweather finally was important and integral to the plot! Not only did he get some great lines and some great moments with the captain in the shuttle, but he provided some great comedy as well (I still snicker at the sight of Mayweather pulling a Galaxy Quest in terms of flying the ship a little eccentrically...)... Phlox only got a single scene, but it was touching and a nice bit of continuity to see how much he and Porthos have grown to enjoy each other's company. And Hoshi got a moment too... Literally. Just a moment. But at least she was important to the mission for once (her translator did work, afterall...), and at least she got to look like a hottie again with her hair down in the big attack... Reed didn't have much to do this episode, but his acting spoke for itself when he was ordered to target the Xindi outpost in cold blood... And the final battle sequence of Azati Prime? Sure, I can complain that the Enterprise got ripped apart too quickly (it didn't get any offence off except a single torpedo), but the scene kicked all sort of ass! Seeing men on fire, consoles blowing Tucker-clones to the floor, the bridge lights collapsing up above, and good men and women silently screaming off into space... I mean, wow. While Regeneration and The Expanse had some pretty good ship battle scenes, Azati Prime takes the cake... and the Charlemagne champagne while we're at it... I was simply shocked and belittled at how crippled the Enterprise became by the end of the episode, and I honestly don't know how they're going to repair the ship (unless they keep it that way for the rest of the season, ala Year of Hell). The first time I watched the episode, I was literally screaming at the television, "NOOOOOOOOO!!! MY PRECIOUS ENTERPRISE!!!"... I've fallen in love with that worthless, sack of a piece of shit ship... Why, oh why couldn't that fugly Enterprise-J been the one to kick the bucket instead? Why is life so cruel? Why pay the Piper? Why watch Charmed? Why, oh why, must it be goodnight, my Enterprise, goodnight? ... and yet why is it so damn enjoyable, to watch all that senseless slow mo death, mayhem and destruction on the little screen before us?...

That certainly says something about the show, when for once, I was actually hypnotized by the slow motion rather than just smirking at it like in Angel... Azati Prime definitely takes the prize as best episode of the week for me, which is saying a hell of a lot, considering the competition... From Stargate SG-1's "Blue-Ancient-Repository-Crisis" Lost City, to Angel's "La-Blue-Girl-Crisis" Shells, to especially Smallville's "Blue-Screen-of-Death" Crisis episode of the week... then, well... quite frankly, the television for the first week of March has been some of the best television and writing I've ever known, period. No doot aboot it... During any other week, any of these episodes (especially Smallville... Smallville - you kicked all sort of Everybody Loves Raymond ass!) would've taken the best episode of the week award. But that's just how damn good Azati Prime really was... And for that, Enterprise writers, I salute you.

In a week where I felt like a sack of sheer shit... you made me feel like... I don't know...

[c. visitors too bored to return...]
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