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Y2kk Update: - Battlestar Galactica: Crossroads (Part 2) Season Finale Review (Spoilers...) -

Though no, I'm not talking about Crossroads (Part 2) as a goddam, frakkin' episode...

... but rather about the insane fact that apparently, Battlestar Galactica was just re-renewed for 22 fucking episodes next season...

I mean seriously, what the fuck? What the frak, and what the goddam fuck? WTF?...

The eternal optimist in me may try to grin at the possibility that SciFi is simply trying to load up on BSG episodes while they can, so that they can finally put the series to rest and cancel that goddam motherfucker while pulling off their BSG 4.0 and 4.5, overpriced boxset bullshit all over again. Though at least finally, then I'd know that Battlestar Galactica will have been finally put out of its misery, after episodes like Crossroads (Part 2) that literally made no fucking sense in any sense of the word whatsoever...

Well, alright. So maybe taken into the proper context, there was nothing in Crossroads (Part 2) that was actually that far out from left field. I mean, who here actually did think that Kara had died in Maelstrom in the most meaningless of deaths? Sure, those fake facts reported on the net about the actress being pissed as hell about her role on the series might've looked serious if only Katee Sackoff had anything better to do with her career. And it's been almost obvious all season long that either she was a frakkin' Cylon, or that she was some sort of god character that Ron Moore and his fucking love for Q (the TNG variety, that is) seems to goddam obsess over and adore...

I suppose that the Kara thing made sense in a goddam predictable and eye-rolling way, if you're into goddam mythology and shit like that. But what completely didn't make any fucking sense to me, was the fact that the "switch" that made Tigh, Anders, Tori and Tyrol all finally realize that they were Cylons, was the goddam Jimi Hendrix song of "All Along the Watchtower". I mean seriously, what the fuck was that? Cylon Christian Rock from way back on earth? WTF?...

First of all, having Tigh as a Cylon makes no fucking logical sense in the traditional line of thinking. He fought alongside the Colonials during the first fucking Cylon war, long before the human-like Cylons were ever first made. Second, it just cheapens the whole effect of the occupation, knowing that the two leaders of Anders and Tyrol were actually fucking Cylons all along and didn't know it. Third, how the fuck did Tyrol ever get a baby with fucking Cally of all evil bitches, unless apparently Cylons that become union leaders automatically get the gift of life as a benefit as well? What's even dumber, is that apparently Tyrol was having Cylon on Cylon action back in the first season with Boomer, yet the writers refuse to give us the same damn benefit with Tori and Grace Park to this very damn day. What the frak is up with that?...

I would even go so far and claim that it's all a trick, that the four were manipulated into thinking they were Cylons, if only Ron Moore hadn't already claimed that all four of them really were. So with All Along the Watchtower, the only real explanation for any of this bullshit comes from the far left outfield of goddam homerism, Odyssey and Iliad, religious crap. That is, it all happened long ago, and it's all happening yet again, if you get my fucking goddam drift...

If you start looking outside of the box at the concepts of Kara potentially being a god-like figure, of all the prophetic bullshit that the Six in Baltar's head and the Baltar in Six's head keep on spewing out, and at all the goddam hallucinations that the goddam Madame President seems to keep having? Then it becomes sadly obvious that Ron Moore is trying to shock us all with some sort of goddam eye-rolling revelation when it's all said and done. Or at least, something that would be revelatory, if only it hadn't been done in God knows how many fifty-cent, two-bit, cheapass novels over the past hundred years or so...

Whether the final answer will be that apparently humans from earth actually invented the Cylons and the Colonials are all actually a form of Cylon themselves, or that it's the Cylons from the fleet who end up founding and evolving earth as we know it today, does it really matter? It's all so fucking hokey and goddam bullshit, SciFi cliche that I honestly can't believe that this same kind of crap is coming from the same damn series that supposedly prides itself on real life situations and modern-day moral dilemmas. WTF?...

And once again, I ask again, "All Along the Watchtower"? WTF is this shit? Was Jimi Hendrix a Cylon all along? WTF?...

... oh, please tell me there's some kind of way out of here, out of this joke of a series...

Now, at least I tried to take solace and a bit of reprieve from the trial of Gaius Baltar, as really, I do have to tip my hat off to the writers for instilling some form of common sense into Lee Adama's big ass speech. Because he was completely right, that while Baltar was indeed a coward and a collaborator (and possibly a traitor), he only really did so to preserve his own life. He would've died long ago if he had stood up to the Cylons, but since he never did, the mob wanted him dead here and now. Which completely contradicted the general pardon to all collaborators that Laura Roslin had given out months ago, yet here she was, the one who wanted Baltar's head on a silver platter the most out of all. Admiral Adama probably summed it up best when it was all said and done, that innocent is not the same as "not guilty", as the verdict for Gaius Baltar was actually right when it all comes down to the state of the Colonial race as we know it...

But oh dear God, did the writers have to give Jamie Bamber the most whiny of obnoxious of teen angsty lines? First of all, a note to the creators of the show: DO NOT ever repeat fucking lines on screen, like "what we did to ourselves... what we did to ourselves". That kind of bullshit works on paper, works even in writing when it comes to novels, but just sounds so unnatural when said out loud except from the best of fucking actors. And how the fuck did the judges allow Lee to preach out his entire damn lecture to the people for God knows how many endless minutes? The prosecution was right, that it simply was not fair to outline your entire goddam moral high ground bullshit in the court room on the witness stand like that. You wait until the closing remarks where you actually have a fucking goddam time limit, that's fucking what. WTF?...

I liked what Lee Adama had to say about the whole damn frakked up situation. I just couldn't stand how he said it, and what little the writers had to actually give the man to work with, besides the usual goddam teen angst bullshit crap against his father. And what was even dumber, was that after it was all said and done in a goddam attorney suit, he suddenly decides to suit up again and pilot Viper 3 after pushing a giant goddam reset button yet again for his character? What, were there honestly no damn repercussions for the kind of crap he pulled with his father before? So just like that, he's forgiven once more? WTF?...

There were definitely some decent scenes littered and scattered throughout the whole of the episode. I actually smirked at Felix purging the courtroom with his own sense of Puritanical justice, I thought that Laura Roslin and Admiral Adama had a touching (but heart-breaking) scene with one another when it was discovered that the latter had been the swing vote in the courtroom, and I really was damn turned on by Tori there as she was being seduced by Anders of all fucking losers. My fucking God, if only Grace Park had that kind of acting skills at looking horny and helpless for sex as hell, I'd be in my bunk rather than writing this goddam noname review of mine right fucking now...

But there were just so many other moments that were just so damn mindfrakking dumbass, and not in a goddam fucking creative way, that the episode couldn't help but be ruined as much as the goddam Opera House was back on Kobol. The dream sequences with Athena and the president led absolutely nowhere, and neither did any of the speeches that Lampkin gave to Number Six just a few episodes before about love and Gaius Baltar. Sure, I assume that the Baltar in Six's head will play some sort of important role next season, but as it stands right now? It's just a loose fucking thread that led nowhere except to some more bullshit theories how Hera (and maybe she'll have a husband some day called Zeus) might end up restarting the goddam human race on earth or some cliche crap like that...

Basically, I liked much of the execution in Crossroads (Part 2), but I completely couldn't stand the direction that I personally am seeing the plot and storyline of the series lean towards. From the grim reality and memories of suicide bombers in goddam Exodus, to now Kara fucking Thrace showing up out of nowhere with the Viper we fucking saw blow to pieces in Maelstrom? The series has truly jumped the ever proverbial shark into goddam la-la fantasy land, and that's saying a hell of a lot when talking about science fucking fiction...

... but rather how Ron Moore, after just three fucking seasons of the show, could've already lost his goddam frakkin' mind...

Fuck, he didn't even give us more than five fucking seconds of Grace fucking Park. Why couldn't he have given us the same damn scene of Tori being seduced by the scent of the neck, but with sexed up Sharons there rather than goddam Anders of all fucking assholes? Why the fuck couldn't that have been our goddam cliffhanger, instead of just some noname, worthless shot of earth to the sound of goddam Cylon rock music? WTF?...

Y2kk Update: - Battlestar Galactica: Crossroads (Part 1) Review (Spoilers...) -

The last two seasons of the show have completely sucked as a whole, in my honest opinion at least. Now sure, season two had Pegasus to go by, and season three has had at least Exodus (Part 2) to save it from the wrath of complete mediocrity. But two lone decent episodes out of two fucking whole seasons is just not worth keeping a series around for on television, and the SciFi channel is learning that the hard way...

With the move of BSG to the fall timeslot (which was a completely dumbass decision in the first place, might I add), one fact has been proven without a shadow of a doubt. That simply put, Battlestar Galactica is not as popular as its rabid hippie fanbase would like you to believe...

... or not outside of the world of my cousin "Bit" (last name "Torrent") from the Yukon, at least...

And as a result? I can't blame the SciFi channel for nearly pulling the plug on Battlestar Galactica as a series. In fact, I'm actually content that the BSG has been reduced from a 20 episode season back down to its original 13, considering I'd only consider the first season of the show to be a success (though that's only because the mini-series, the season finale that first year, and especially Hand of God were notable, as the rest of the episodes were pure goddam shit on a stick). The writers have not proven worth a damn that they can extend their story arcs to twenty something episodes a season, especially when stretched to now four seasons of the frakkin' show. And truth be told, it seems they really have only one more year to prove that they've finally learned their lessons...

An important crossroads for the series, yes. Though it doesn't really help that I felt at times that Crossroads (Part 1) as a season finale of an episode, had all the same goddam teen angst as I got from Crossroads as a goddam Britney Spears of a movie...

Let's face facts here, it's just making no fucking sense why Lee is going all out in his family feud with his father. Didn't they bury the hatchet long ago back in the first season? Is this the writers' plan, to try to reclaim some of their past and lost glory when the series was new and fresh, by actually reverting back to all the character arcs of old? Are they truly that damn incapable of thinking up anything original these days? WTF?...

Either way though, as well as the acting in the scene was by Edward James Olmos, it just felt so out of place and so out of logical sense for Apollo to give up his badge and wings to the Admiral, just because he was pissed at his father's claims of having no honour. I mean seriously, doesn't Lee know that he really does have no honour in court by using his tactics to discredit the witness rather than what the witness said? I'm not saying that his tactics weren't valid or anything, or that they shouldn't be used in a court case such as this. But if I was his father, you're damn right I'd be ashamed of the cheapass defence that Lee was pulling as a stunt in court. It may be all legal, but it doesn't mean it's honourable...

To be honest? If I was the presiding over the court, I'd actually walk into that room thinking that Baltar should become a free man. I mean, we all know that he was a real pussy when it came to the Cylons, and even signed his name when it came to death warrants and torture camps (which even if he was under duress, counts as collaboration). But the thing is, we've seen first hand that while obviously he didn't quite play the hero of the ever-proverbial president for the people, it's not like he was the one who willingly had everyone else killed and slaughtered himself. He didn't do anything to help the people that elected him, but he didn't actually do anything to harm them either...

He may have spent all his time frakkin' with Number Six and boning D'anna, but nothing there was actually criminal according to the court of law. I don't see what he did there that was so evil that the 38000 others around him did better. I don't see what he really did wrong there, except play self defence and keep himself alive as always...

He had no honour and absolutely no backbone, but nothing he did was really unexpected considering the circumstances he was put in. There was absolutely no way that he could've fought the Cylons after they first arrived, otherwise the entire human race would've been nuked from high orbit. Surrender was the only option, and I think even Admiral Adama knew that...

And why isn't the fault on the remainder of the human race for the surrender of the colonies? Wasn't it the people who elected Gaius Baltar simply because they actually wanted to settle on New Caprica, despite the Admiral's protestations? Baltar was a wily, self-interested bastard for playing on the dreams of the public like a fiddle, but technically all he did was play the politician and gave the people what they wanted. The people wanted to settle on New Caprica, and ultimately the people are the ones to blame for the mistakes that were made...

To be honest, the trial of Gaius Baltar was really the only truly stimulating and thoughtful character arc that the writers have put forth this season. Sure, it took until this point of goddam useless manifesto writings on the walls and endless prophetic bullshit like that to get us here, but now that the writers have finally made it to the trial, at least finally some of that good ol' fashioned BSG controversy was back in full force. Baltar definitely could've done more to protect his people, like moved the colonies away from New Caprica after the nuclear destruction of Cloud 9 last season. But for all intents and intensive purposes, he was a useless president who probably will end up more popular in the end than Bill fucking Clinton...

... if that hot Jake 2.0 doctor of a media bitch who asked for his blessing has anything to say about it at least...

Now Crossroads definitely had problems and issues. The fact that we were graced with the pleasure of that one-off replacement of a doctor from SG-1 yet barely blessed with any hot ass action from Grace fucking Park was one thing, and obviously I for one was not the type to stand the goddam, shitty ass music coming from the walls. I won't even comment on that fucking shit-ass plotline until next fucking week with the season finale, although I do think that any damn person with their two eyes open will know where the writers will go from here...

If only they had given us some hot Grace Park on Tori ass action, then all will be forgiven. But somehow, I doubt we'd even get that in the shitty ass, Scrooge McFuck of a finale. So whatever...

I will give the writers credit where credit is due there. Now sure, most of the court room scenes had me rolling my eyes at just how juvenile it all was acted and preached, and I won't even bother commenting again on just how pathetically teen angsty and emo Lee was whenever he stepped out of the court room. But that one scene where he was questioning Madame President, about her past cancer and her previous use of Kamala? That scene and that scene only was done to near perfection, not just because Jamie Bamber was acting all nervous as hell on purpose and actually seemed in control while doing so, but also because being on that stand was Laura Roslin's finest moment of the entire season as well...

I loved the sense of dread I got when she begged the prosecution there to not ask her the goddam question she knew was coming. And I almost felt bad for Lee while it was all happening, as he was literally selling his soul just to win a case to stick one to his father (... again, WTF and wasupwidat?). But teen fucking emo angst aside, I really loved the strength and conviction in everyone's performances and retaliations in that scene, whether it was Admiral Adama trying to protect his mistress, Lee trying to go all out with being the anti-daddy's boy, or Laura Roslin in just how fucking pissed off yet lady-like she handled herself when trying to convince Apollo to ask her why she was using Kamala all over again...

Of course, whatever points I gave the writers for a job well done there were quickly stricken from the record by the fact that they cowered, panicked and reverted back to their season one cancer arc for the president. Don't they have a fucking original bone in their bodies, WTF? But whatever, so what if they can't think of a goddam original idea to save their fucking jobs? Their fourth season will be their last, and I for one will be damn well proud of them if they can just finish the job they meant to start in the first fucking season of the show...

I just get this general impression from watching and reviewing the past two seasons of the show, that Ron Moore and his crew simply had no fucking clue what to do with the series after the one season mark. After doing Star Trek for so damn long, he knew had some sort of message to write and convey to the people. It's just that, besides his goddam teen angsty, hippie of a message in a bottle, he had nothing else to say, and quickly realized that he had already said it all in five fucking minutes flat in the goddam mini-series...

Since then, the series has been running on fumes, with the odd actual commentary on the human condition here and there. If the fourth season of the show does indeed turn out to be its last, then at least Ron Moore will finally be able to finish and put to a close what I'm sure he actually intended to complete way back in the first season of his show...

Because the series really is indeed at a crossroads. For two fucking seasons, it has been nothing better than fucking Crossroads as a fucking Britney Spears of a movie, with the same goddam political resonance as Mandy fucking Moore...

... but episodes like Hand of God, Pegasus and Exodus (Part 2) kept giving me hope, just a slither of hope, that the series can still be so much more...

And even if it was only for one fucking, fleeting moment of a scene? Lee interrogating Laura Roslin in front of the entire remainder of the colonies, gave me hope as well that maybe, just maybe the fourth season of the show can get the series back on the right fucking track for once...

I don't fucking care if the show gets canceled after that. Just give me one fucking season at least, where after it's all said and done?...

Y2kk Update: - Smallville: Combat small Smallville Week in Review (Spoilers...) -

It took Smallville how many years to think up something so damn novel and ingenious?...

Are they sure they didn't want to be even more creative? Like, replace the first letter with a "K" for good measure?...

"The only thing more embarrassing than Kane in Smallville?... was The Rock in Star Trek Voyager. My fucking God, that was embarrassing"...

Why the fuck is the WWE shoving down our throats the so-called star of See No Evil, to the very damn teen angst series that obviously I don't ever want to see again on the air? Why couldn't they have at least force fed us back John Cena and the same ol' shit with Robert Patrick? Then at least I could've got my money's worth from the goddam "Vince McMahon wannabe" here and now...

But strangely enough? Maybe it's just that this episode was actually meant to be so ridiculously stupid, that I sadly found myself enjoying it at times. Maybe it's just the old skool WWF fan in me at heart or some crap like that, but I actually sort of enjoyed the classic face vs heel 'bout between Clark and Titan at the end. How the fuck can't I get into the sheer stupidity of an episode that features chokeslams and roundhouse uppercut finishes to the sound of Mortal Kombat music? WTF?...

Yes, it's true. Combat was about as intelligent of a television show as WWE Smackdown was every fucking week. Yet I watched that bullshit (along with even WCW Thunder back in the day... my fucking God...) for God knows how many years, so of course I have the uncanny ability to completely shut off my goddam brain in front of the bloody hell boob tube, thank you very much...

I think it shows a hell of a lot of something when during an episode of Smallville, I turned the channel to "Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader" and immediately felt more intelligent and accomplished. But after God knows how many years of cheering on Steve Austin on fucking WWE Raw? Then I guess the explanations of how I could put up with Smallville after all these fucking years finally become a whole lot clearer...

Because let's face facts. Smallville has never been a show for the aristocrats and the civilized of high society, and Combat proved that very damn fact beyond a shadow of a doubt. It was just so damn lame how the most of an emotional aftereffect we got from the wedding last week was that Clark wanted to beat some lowly criminals to a living pulp. And oh, can't forget how Lana Lang loses the baby that apparently never really manifested into her becoming goddam fat after God knows how many months...

Was there really a child in the first place, or was she just drugged, will we ever know? Or the better question is, if we do ever find out, will I ever fucking give a shit? Hell fucking no to that...

I couldn't help but laugh at all the emo-turmoil between Lana and Lex. Sure, I knew that their whole honeymoon was canceled not really because Lana was a pure fucking, cold-hearted bitch, but that the show couldn't afford the sets for the Bahamas or wherever the fuck they were supposed to go. But either way, it just felt so fucking cheap how the loss of the baby took place after just one fucking scene of an evil looking doctor making faces from an evil looking doorway. Was that it, honestly? All we get out of this pregnancy angle bullshit in the end was a tear down Lex's cheek, a gas shortage, a flock of seagulls, and that's about it? WTF?...

Considering how fucking much I obviously so goddam enjoy every single scene that drags on with Lana Lang in it, I was hoping for at least some sort of mental compensation from seeing Lois Lane in a tight-ass leather outfit. Of course, even that led nowhere, as we didn't even get a decent fake match between her and Clark. Sure, at least she got to put the lesbian kiss of death on Ashley from the WWE, although that scene honestly made no sense when you actually try to think about it. But thinking has never really been the forte of anyone fucking associated with this show, nor has it ever been a strong point for us past and present fans of the WWE anyhew, so why the fuck would I care? Stars and stripes forever, baby...

Okay, so maybe I was expecting a bit more from Chloe or even Martha Kent than what we got out of Lois and Lana, but even that was asking too much from an episode called goddam "Combat". All Kent did was whine and gripe that Clark was being a whiny and bitchy freak of nature, while being too damn dumbass to ever question the motives of her new found whore of a boyfriend. Meanwhile, what did Chloe do but stupidly leave a photo of her fight club story out for Lois to find in the goddam trash can? How the fuck can she freeze frame a shot from the goddam internet feed, yet claim to not be able to goddam record it? How the fuck does anything she did in this episode even remotely make a bit of logical sense? WTF?...

And goddammit, the writers made her mention that her "latent" meteor power was her uber l337 hax00r skillz. Which obviously means that the writers are far too dumbass to ever possibly have made that her power in the fucking first place, or in the fucking future either. My fucking God...

Instead, the best they could think of were the terms, "crush, combat, kill". Has a nice ring to it though, especially considering the ring it was all taking place in was the ever patented WWE steel cage...

Well, duh, moron. You're on earth, where for no goddam logical evolutionary reason whatsoever, absolutely no fucking weapon known to man can somehow hurt someone from another fucking planet. So what the fuck else would you kill him with? A fucking rock? The Rock? WTF?...

... reminds me more of my shitty ass, WWE Crush car combat game for the Gamecube than anything else...

And yet? Such a guilty pleasure, to finally see Clark and Kane duke it out in no man's land...

... or at least, it was all better than actually paying fucking money for Wrestlemania...

Maybe I just read the label wrong here, but is that supposed to be real title to this episode? WTF?...

Kara Thrace had just died, and Edward James Olmos provided yet another startling emotional scene when going through Starbuck's old military record. The birthday card or whatever he was holding in his hand was especially a nice touch, and even got a slight chuckle of a solemn sigh out of me...

And yet the whole of this episode focused on bloody hell Lee Adama instead, not really pining and whining over his long lost love (though there was plenty enough of that), but rather in a teen angst fit over besting his father in the court of law? WTF?...

Let's get things straight here. Lee Adama has been CAG of the Galactica for how long now, besides being the big shot, fatass commander of the goddam Pegasus? He's had countless months and years to mull things through now since forgiving his father for his mother's divorce and the death of his brother, and yet now he decides to go on a teen angst rampage against his only remaining family member in the known goddam universe?...

Because I don't get it. I just don't get it. Why were the final moments about this episode about Lee trying to step out of his father's shadow, when the fucking married man has seemed perfectly content with the status quo for how long now? Did the death of Kara suddenly make him revert back to season one fucking Lee all over again? And why exactly would that happen? WTF?...

Lee Adama was an embarrassment this episode, but at least the writers realized this and gave him a nice sidekick that stole the spotlight. Lampkin's character seemed forced at first, with the whole cat thing and being an evil bastard lawyer who was only looking for fame and fortune. But the scene that he shared with Adama later on, about what he had stolen from each person and what it told about each of their personalities, was actually very well written and one of the best BSG has done in a very long time. If only the whole episode had that kind of respect for the fucking characters on the goddam series, then maybe A Son Also Rises wouldn't have fallen down to the depths of hell...

Because absolutely no actual BSG character whatsoever in the fucking storyline was given any credit or credibility in this episode. The most that anyone got was (thankfully) more graceful shots of Racetrack now that Starbuck has finally been kicked off the airtime, and more goddam gratuitous shots of Anders trying to prove that he ain't a Cylon or some shit like that. Where the fuck was anyone else, whether it was Tigh or Tyrol or Roslin or anyone who's supposed to matter to the plotline? I wish I could say we at least got some naked Grace Park action, or at least a plotline where Athena finally ditches Helo to hook up with frakkin' Racetrack. But fuck, the writers won't hire me for the goddam show, so what can you fucking do?...

Oh sure, at least we got a bitch fest between the ever useless Cally and the ever more clothed Sharon Valeri. And at least Helo was kept to a goddam minimum of screen time, lest I puke my guts out at the whine and cheese. Oh yeah, all great things. I was so impressed...

On the plus side though, I thought that Number Six had her first decent moment in Gods know how frakkin' long. And like I said, at least Admiral Adama got a few decent licks and kicks and scenes in, as he even was man enough to let Lee Adama go his own way by the end of the episode. But all these few, trinket things just didn't make up for the fact that the only real character done justice in the whole of the episode, was the goddam fucking new guest star of Lampkin for crying out loud...

Hell, even the villain of the story was completely defunct and pointless here in A Son Also Rises. I mean seriously, Kelly returns out of the blue for no apparent reason whatsoever, and yet somehow we're not supposed to suspect that he's the mad bomber, freak of the week?...

I mean sure, the episode may have the completely bizarro name of "A Son Also Rises"...

... but honestly?... this episode really has nowhere to go but drag the series down...

It's hard for me to even imagine a time when there hasn't been Stargate SG-1 anymore. It has lasted longer for me than almost all my friends and hobbies and whatever kind of dreams I once had...

In ten years though, how many series finales did this show already have? Season five was supposed to be the end (though thank God that shit season wasn't), Full Circle was supposed to finish the series off in season six, The Lost City was originally planned as a movie long before becoming the series finale of season seven, and then we had the combination of Threads and Moebius in season eight...

Unending wasn't quite the series finale I was hoping for the show I've known for ten fucking years of my life. There has been so much better in the past, whether we're talking about The Lost City or Threads here...

But considering the circumstances of what the writers were trying to do? They were informed of the cancellation of Stargate SG-1 during the filming of Bad Guys, and they only had the time leftover to really write the scripts to Dominion and Unending (although gosh darnit, they could've replaced the script to Family Ties with a goddam turd and it still would've turned out better, but that's besides the point). In that sense, I realize that the series finale of Stargate SG-1 wasn't everything that I or the rest of the fans wanted to be...

... but I'd also be lying if I denied that there wasn't any emotional resonance at all...

The general plotline was almost of a "WTF" nature, in the sense that it felt like it completely came from nowhere. It was never properly developed, and part of me figures that the demise of the Asgard would've figured more prominently in an eleventh season of the show. Because looking back at the past few seasons of SG-1? I guess then you can argue that the destruction of their people wasn't so far out of left field...

... although I really could've done without the whole frickin', "planet go boom" part of it all... WTF?...

We haven't seen Thor in ages, so we as the viewers knew that something was going on. And yes, we've known for a long time that the Asgard were a dying and decaying race, but honestly, to commit mass suicide here and now, while there was still a battle to be fought? I dunno, I realize the writers didn't have much time (or foresight) to plan this out, but really? That's all they could think up? "Planet Go Boom"? WTF?...

... I will, err... continue to keep believing that the Asgard were fighting the Ori to the death, and lost all their ships that they should've given to us in the process...

This is their legacy. To hand over to us a computer core with their knowledge, history and schematics, and then load the Odyssey with a few weapons that might do us a bit of good if only we could learn to reproduce them in time?...

But, hey, wait a tick. The Asgard had weapons and ships... capable of defeating the Ori?...

Is there some sort of time quota on SG-1 or some shit like that? That every "invincible" enemy after two fucking seasons goes from a nail-biter to a fucking nail-clipper of a joke? Poor fucking Ori, reduced to measly Goa'uld and Wraith ship shit. WTF?...

Yeah, umm... I'm just gonna ignore that part... all those deus ex machina parts pretty much, really, I'll promise you that...

But despite all my complaints and reservations, I can't deny the fact that I did feel a genuine sense of loss when the Asgard waved goodbye and sacrificed their lives to protect their technology (though Ba'al's just gonna steal it from us in five minutes flat, so who gives a shit?). I do admit that the hug that Carter gave Thor was strangely enough touching, and a decent but somber way to end the tale of the greatest little alien dude that I feel Sci-Fi as a means of story-telling has ever truly been able to produce...

And who the fuck can complain about the Odyssey getting fucking phasers? Oh fucking yes hell...

Now, the real question is, why the fuck did General Landry take a two week vacation from work to go sit on the bridge that used to belong to poor Colonel Davidson back home? WTF?...

Oh, yes. Brilliant strategems, General, just goddam bloody hell brilliant. Did they teach that shit to you at Westpoint? WTF?

Meanwhile, the end of the Asgard was rushed and squeezed into five minutes flat, and just wasn't the same as a result. Daniel Jackson and Teal'c barely had any words for their old alien friend, and while I know it was out of the power of the writers and producers, it just felt wrong for the Asgard to be wiped out without Jack O'Neill there to send Thor off. The two had the best of connections and the best of chemistry back in the day when the General was seen as the true leader of the potential of the "fifth race". While at least Carter got her final moments in with the best damn puppets the series has ever produced, it just felt hollow and empty still without O'Neill getting a chance to say goodbye...

And what was worse was that RDA even missed the light show of the Asgard completely ignoring the Ori threat and then just blowing themselves up for the shits and giggles fun of it all while the Odyssey and their legacy were in danger...

I mean honestly, who the fuck do the Asgard think they are? The Furlings? WTF?...

From that point on, Unending was a mix of good and bad, or decency along with disappointment, more or less. I did enjoy the action sequences, even if the Ori had been neutered down to the point where Asgard technology plus a ZPM onboard was enough to rip their shields to shreds. The music was still strong and overpowering, just as it was with Camelot last season. And the battle sequences would've been a highlight of the season, if only I hadn't had to deal with goddam General Landry with his fucking pathetic acting in command onboard...

As for the real crux and meat and potatoes of the plotline of the story, of SG-1 living out the next fifty or so years of their lives stuck in a time dilation field aboard the "god-awful ship"?...

Was it just me, or did the acting and the character pieces just start to feel a tad bit...

Obviously, that was the point. SG-1 had lived together for fifty damn years together on a single ship with nothing to do and no-one to save. They knew they couldn't end their lives or else they'd lose the legacy of the Asgard as well, yet they were powerless to do anything but wait and see if Carter could think up something new. And that was the whole episode really, just a bunch of montages to old 60's songs of fifty years passing in the lives of our heroes...

... with the only damn decent thing happening at the halfway point, when Landry finally goddam kicked the goddam bucket of balls...

Nothing really happened in those fifty damn years that was worth noting. Daniel went on a rampage with his remarks to Vala for really no apparent reason whatsoever, completely out of character, just to test whether she would be faithful or not. And then the two crazy kids finally got together, with really no scenes between them but the memory of their chemistry that they once had back in the ninth season of the show. There was really no point to seeing them age like they did, except to witness just how hideous Daniel's wig really was throughout the history of the series, even when it finally found itself dyed gray and discovered to be the remains of Landry's shaved fucking balls...

And really, Daniel just happened to die again? This time when the whole frickin' ship blew up? WTF?...

It's like the writers just realized they were behind on their whole "Daniel Jackson Death" quota for the season, and decided to drag the rest of the cast and crew down with him...

Cameron Mitchell basically was a prop this episode, sitting in the F302 the whole nine yards and tearing his massive bunk of a room a new one whenever else he was bored. At least he got a few decent sparring sessions in with Teal'c; at least he proved that he wasn't a completely useless dumbass when it came to learning from the Sodan. But really, I know Ben Browder was never an original member of the cast of the series, but he should've been treated better here than just a prop for horrible aging prosthetics when push came to shove...

And you know who should've been treated better? Teal'c, that's who, especially considering he was one of the four founding members of the goddam series. Over fifty years, he did nothing on the ship at all? While at least Daniel and Vala hooked up, and the ending of the episode let slip the hint that maybe Carter and Cam had a fling or two, what the fuck did Teal'c do to bide his time? Fifty fucking years had passed, making him as old as Bra'tac is right now, and the only thing that could keep him company was the drug-induced hallucinations of Kamala and Tretonin? Please tell me that he accomplished something else, or that he hooked up with someone, please...

Because sadly, if I ever end up going goddam virgin for fifty fucking years? Even General Landry would start looking fucking decent to me in the goddam shower, that's fucking what...

The only character that was actually developed over the course of fifty writer years was Samantha Carter, yet she's the character the writers are porting over to Stargate Atlantis for one more season. We learned a great deal about her desire to learn the cello, and how she never really gave up hope of finding a way out of her self-made prison, even after she claimed to Daniel that had given up all hope. She never wanted to give up on the Asgard or their legacy, and I couldn't help but think that even as an 80-year woman, she still somehow looked pretty damn fucking fine. Hell, just the way she took Cam's hand at the end while realizing that the Ori weapon could provide the needed power source for her plan, I actually fell in love with her character all over again...

Because ironically, aside from The Lost City? Unending was the series finale that did Samantha Carter as a character the most justice...

... I just wish I could say the same for all the other characters on the show, that's what...

Was there really a need to age everyone by fifty years (besides Teal'c, who now won't suffer the TNG Data syndrome of looking old as fuck)? The only scenes we got of all those lost hours and days and months was of the crew celebrating Christmas one moment, and lamenting each other's company the next...

Poor Teal'c. First he loses God knows how many months of boredom to become the undisputed King of Groundhog Day back in season four, and now sacrifices another fifty goddam years? Why must time travel devices hate Jaffa freedom?...

Seriously, why not just age them a year or so, let them all keep their memories, and be done with it? Why did they have to send Teal'c back all the way to before the time dilation field had been set, causing him to lose fifty damn years off his Jaffa lifespan, when wouldn't it have also worked to have just sent him right after the prison was first made, and then handed the crystal and time travel instructions to a younger version of Carter (who would then travel back in time herself)? In that scenario, wouldn't nobody really lose a year of their life? WTF?...

Hell, fuck, if somebody had to lose fifty years of their life and if somebody had to be sent back to change the direction of time, couldn't they have just stuck a post-it note on Landry's fucking balls and sent his worthless carcass of a dead dumbass back in time instead? WTF?...

There was just so much potential lost and wasted in this episode that I had hoped would be there. Like I mentioned before, O'Neill wasn't around to give his final respects to the Asgard, Daniel and Teal'c basically achieved nothing over the span of fifty fucking years, and please don't tell me that Carter and Vala never really got it on together over the goddam cello. Please tell me that they achieved something experimental with their lives...

But all that really matters for the series, what really matters for SG-1 as a whole, is how I feel at the end...

I loved the final moments of the episode, from the very second that Cam pointed to the Stargate chevrons lighting up, to the smiles that each and every member of the team gave each other before passing through that event horizon just one last time...

... just like I've loved almost every fucking moment of the series from the past ten years...

Y2kk Update: - Smallville: Promise small Smallville Week in Review (Spoilers...) -

And now I would pay any price, any fucking price whatsoever, to unsee what I have already goddam seen...

"Wait a tick, Aunt Nell is still alive? And who the fuck was next to Martha at the wedding? Because if that was Lois Lane, then by God, she got ugly real fast..."...

This was probably the most hilariously horrible episode that I have ever endured in my entire fucking life. I don't know how Promise could've outpaced all those fucking god-awful "oh shit" looks from the past, but by God, it somehow superseded them all out. I literally was balling out in laughter from all the goddam teen angst in the final ten minutes of the show. And before then? My God, I was actually cheering when Lionel Luthor was threatening Lana fucking Lang with the goddam yoke...

Nobody, and I mean nobody, acted or performed well or even had remotely what I would consider a decent script in this episode. Lionel Luthor was the closest to having at least some sort of credible plotline, but even his fell through the cracks by the end. I mean seriously, why is he being so damn ambiguously evil again? If he is evil, why hasn't he turned on Martha or Clark? Is he still pining for some Ma Kent poontang or some shit like that? There were absolutely no answers to his whacked out, Hyde of a behaviour from the past few episodes, and I'm getting sick of this whole "oh shit, he's both good and bad" question mark dangling over his head...

I mean seriously, WTF is this nonsensical bullshit that never leads anywhere? Lost? WTF?...

Chloe barely had a role whatsoever, relegated to being Lana Lang's poor patsy more than an actual goddam brides-mate. What did she really do except completely bloody hell lose her mind in assuming that the door to the wine cellar she was in just magically happened to close itself and lock the goddam bolt to boot? How the fuck could she have been so careless not to even warn Clark that maybe, just maybe, somebody had fucking locked her in? I had assumed when she gave a shrug and a sigh that she figured either Lana or Lex had doomed her to the freezing cellar cold, especially after Ms. Lang didn't pick up her phone on the other side of the bloody hell door. Yet still, Chloe pulls a Clark Kent and completely forgets any sort of common fucking sense? WTF?...

Lana Lang herself finally grew a brain, setting a trap for Clark because obviously he was too dumbass to take five fucking milliseconds of his life at super speeds to scope out the goddam area before using his powers. And it was about damn time that Lana actually realized that if she wanted to figure out Clark's secret, then whining and bitching about it to him 24/7 was not the way to get your man to trust you. And hell, I'll even commend the writers in one aspect, that the fact that as soon as Lana learned of Clark's secret (for the second time, really), once again she was put between a rock and a hard place for her knowledge. At least that was consistent, and one out of a thousand thumbs up is sadly not such a bad record for the writers after all they've done and shitted me through...

But then what does she do with the knowledge? Sits in the fucking mansion as she twiddles her thumbs, writing some goddam note to Lex about how she really loves Clark? My fucking God, make up your fucking mind already, you stupid fucking bitch. She was even too stupid to warn Clark about Lionel Luthor, even though if Lionel wasn't expecting it, Clark could easily have taken him out. Does she even realize that Clark is a Kryptonian, just like the ones she had fought before with fucking goddam meteor rocks? Yet she was so dumbass not to remember all the shit about Zod and his flunkies actually overpowering humans with kryptonite, that she was actually still too terrified to tell Clark that the very same man whoring out Ma Kent from behind was really an evil goddam, grinning bastard all along? WTF?...

And what did we get as a result? But fucking teen angst in a goddam love triangle between Lex Luthor, Lana Lang, and the odd man out (especially in terms of naming initials), Clark fucking Kent? I tried to enjoy the irony of all three of their dreams, and I even tried to give a shit about Lex Luthor having nightmares about his goddam child to be. But after the most ridiculous scene of Luthor nailing the dumbass doctor in the head and then hiding him ever so sloppily in the goddam convenient crypt he was in, how the fuck could I have ever given a shit? That was not my idea of a decent goddam storyline...

I laughed at how fucking desperate and dumbass Lex Luthor had gotten because of that bitch known as Lana. I laughed my fucking ass off at all those "oh shit" looks that Clark Kent gave to the same goddam bitch, even after the wedding was finally done and over with. And I fucking was rolling on the floor in fucking tears at Lana Lang, writhing and wiping the same goddam floor with her own bloody hell rivers flowing down her cheeks. How the fuck can't I enjoy an episode where all three of the most absolute morons on the face of the planet are all acting as if it was Dawson's Creek, season fucking goddam two, all over again? How the fuck can't I help but try to recover from my goddam eye sockets rolling all the way to the back of my fucking head? WTF?...

My fucking God, I have never gotten so much damn enjoyment from an episode that so very not meant to be intentionally funny, since the last time I was balling at the stupidity of goddam Star Trek Voyager...

So thank you, writers. Thank you for reminding me that no matter how shit my own writing is, I can always somehow find someone with goddam worse...

I still remember how epic the final episodes of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine were back then...

That was its legacy. The war arc with some of the best damn special effects and acting that I've ever witnessed in a goddam Sci-Fi series before, or even to this day for any goddam television series to be honest...

But what will Stargate SG-1's legacy be? Ten years of fluff? Or will they go out with a goddam bang like I had always hoped they would...

The last few episodes of the series have been goddam embarrassing at best, except perhaps for Talion. Because every other episode that SG-1 has done since The Shroud has been nothing more than pure meaningless bullshit; standalone episodes that would've been enjoyable in any other goddam season of the show, but just seem so damn misplaced and goddam worthless in the context of the final moments of the goddam series for all fucking time...

... and yes, I was hoping for so much better from the second last episode of the series...

And truth be told? It was a decent enough episode. There wasn't a part of it where I found myself bored, and the writers definitely did do their best in making the atmosphere of the show as goddam epic as they could, considering they probably never had planned for any of this shit to happen before the series had gotten goddam canned in the first place...

The basic premise definitely did feel rushed at first. We find Vala alone on a planet, pissed off as hell that her friends back on earth had betrayed her (even though in her own flashbacks, none of the shit she thought had happened to her really felt bad or anything). She then goes into a long-winded explanation with Adria, who just happened to have wandered into the tavern for God knows what reason that Sunday morn. Naturally, we got some girl on girl action between the mother and child (or at least, in my own mind), but besides that? As hot as Morena Baccarin is, she can't act her way out of a paper bag, and it's not like Claudia Black had much to work with in that scene either. The first ten minutes of the episode were necessary to set up the rest, but it all felt like wasted time in the end...

... sort of like the new goddam US daylight savings hour... but that's a story for another day, and another time...

Because the thing is, the story really picked up from there. Finally we got an answer to the big ass question, can a Goa'uld actually take a Prior or Adria as a host? Apparently so, although Ba'al may have been aided by the fact that the anti-Prior devices everywhere were keeping Adria in check. And really, I thought it was a smart move by the writers to finally get this question answered, as it was just dumb how Ba'al was smart enough to use all the knowledge and advantages of earth to his parasitic advantage yet never once tried the same with the forces of the Ori. It was about time that the most resourceful of all Goa'uld finally did something besides whine and grate and play the role of the comedic thorn in SG-1's side, and I don't think that Dominion ever really did disappoint in that regard...

But what the fuck was wrong with him in Adria's body? Like I said, Morena is fucking hot as fucking hell and she can suck the living daylight savings hours out of my dick anyday. But damn, did she really have to give Ba'al in those bondage scenes of hers, the goddam diva head nod and her own goddam mannerisms? If only her hands were free, I'd swear we'd get some goddam Celine Dion action to go along with the rest of her Ba'al shit. But like I said, at least the bondage was a nice touch...

But concept aside? I just don't feel the writers had enough time to fully explore the big ass nature of the story. They basically condensed the tale of Ba'al taking Adria as a host, the Tok'ra finally making their long awaited return, and Adria finally ascending to become the only real Ori known to still exist in the goddam universe, into just half a freakin' hour of television. While I command the writers for accomplishing such a goddam feat in the end, I can't say it all went according to plan, as Daniel might iterate as well. There just wasn't enough time to fully explore everything that I felt a story of this nature really deserved to tell, especially when the final briefing room of a meeting felt rushed and forced as hell, with goddam General Landry fucking over the series yet again just for good measure...

I keep alluding back to the Dominion Wars on Deep Space Nine, because I was so hoping that the writers would've used the final half of the tenth season of SG-1 to really show earth and the last remnants of the Jaffa nation, battling it out with the Ori for domination of the galaxy. But I guess The Shroud did have its moments, and I do agree that aside from a few episodes in season seven (Heroes and Lost City, primarily), SG-1 has never really been about the big ass war arcs. It's always been about light-hearted comedy and perhaps a bit of satire, but still, that's not to say that the writers haven't pulled off the whole epic theme of war before...

Season five was shit and season six's finale of Full Circle wasn't much better, so thank God the show never ended off on those terrible notes. But when it comes to Dominion, with the real series finale coming up in just a few days, with only one fucking hour of time to fully air? I just know that the writers won't be able to accomplish a feat like they did with The Lost City or Threads, two great "series finales" that had so many great moments leading up to them in the first place (such as Reckoning for the latter)...

Dominion may have been linked to The Shroud and The Quest, and thank God we got The Pegasus Project this year as well. But still, it all feels so damn sparse and spread out in the end, that it almost felt like the Ori were an afterthought in the minds of the writers when it was all said and done, and that Adria was barely a threat at all to SG-1 as a result...

Hell, sure I'd like to lock her in a cage and have my way with her any fucking day of the week. What fucking man in their right mind wouldn't? But to have her cornered and captured three fucking times in the same fucking episode? Then yeah, you better believe that she never really felt like a real threat anymore. But that's just what happens when you don't dedicate the time to properly developing your villains and story arcs, like the writers obviously failed to do in the final hours and tolls and death knells of Stargate SG-1...

But despite all my negativity? I will gladly admit that Dominion was a good episode in the grand scheme of things, with a lot of great character parts. Now sure, I wasn't the biggest fan of Vala having such a huge role in an episode this close to the finale, considering she was never a part of the original SG-1 show. But her connection with Adria had to receive some closure and final composure, and I thought that Claudia Black did a great job in resolving her motherly concerns for the Orici. It also helps that she was absolutely adorable in that little, "wonko" video blog to herself, as her little arrogant sniff in the air at the slightest whiff of a payrise was just too damn peculiar in a good way to ignore...

It felt weird that Daniel was completely ignored by Adria for the most part, considering he did betray her goddam horniness just a few episodes ago. And Jackson didn't really get that many moments in with Vala either, although they did confide about Adria a few times before the episode was done and over with. Still, the good doctor has always been the anchor that the series has been built upon, and he played the role of the foundation of the show yet again. I don't particularly remember anything he did in this episode, but I do remember that he contributed the little things to each and every single scene he was in that mattered. Hell, just his reactions to rewatching the video that Vala had made for herself was probably the most damn rewarding plot point of the whole damn hour...

Teal'c got a few of his own little quips in, nodding his head in approval whenever the idea of killing Ba'al or Adria or both birds with one stone came up. You gotta give him props for that, even if it was all just a few fleeting seconds of screen time in the end. And Cameron Mitchell, if only because of the actor, had a few moments in with Vala, including a heart to heart chat about whether she was ready and willing to kill her own daughter. Besides that, I didn't really feel that there were enough Mitchellisms throughout the episode to call it a proper day, as the only thing that sticks out in my mind is his "cool" reaction to having the Odyssey sneak up to Ba'al's ship while cloaked...

But you see? That's the thing, how everything felt rushed, especially when it came to Sam and all the technobabble this episode. The writers never explained how the cloak from The Shroud was still working on the Odyssey, whether Carter figured out how to reproduce it with the ZPM or if Merlin had actually set it all up with the flick of a switch. We never really got to get any emotion out of Carter whatsoever in this episode, except brief little descriptions on Star Trek coolant leaks and Adria barring the doors shut with her mind. We didn't even get any connection between her and the Tok'ra this episode, or even a mention of her past history with Agent Barrett who had just miraculously risen from the Smallville grave...

Fuck, we didn't even get to see her and Lexa Doig feeling Grace Park up again in a tight-ass mini-skirt and see-through blouse...

There is just so much more that I was hoping for here from Dominion. Now sure, I guess it was a decent enough episode in retrospect with a great premise and plot, but it was just not done justice in one fucking goddam hour of television. Not much can, to be honest...

Hell, I know that bloody hell action itself doesn't make for great television, but it definitely helps. And sure, we got here at least a brief moment of Adria looking fucking hot as hell, burning and seething as she broke the backs of all those bastards trying to kill her beautiful butter cheeks with Goa'uld poisonous gunk. But one raw moment of passion, even from a bitch slap as fucking hot as hers, is not enough to make for the epic kind of atmosphere that I was hoping SG-1 as a series and a collective writers effort would aspire and ascend to during its final run and stretch of goddam episodes...

That's why Deep Space Nine spaced their finale out amongst eight or more fucking episodes to finish it all off. The writers knew that no matter what they had done, no matter what they had accomplished throughout their past seven years of the series, it would be only the final stretch of episodes that would be remembered in the minds and midsts of the fickle mob of fans...

Now sure, Stargate SG-1 was a dominion in my mind, a dynasty of one the best damn television series I have ever had the honour and grace and privilege to watch in the span of my goddam lifetime...

But still, despite all that? Even more than all that? As much as it pains me to admit this?...

What the fuck kind of mindfuck of a storm of goddam shit did I just witness? WTF?...

What the fuck were the writers smokin'? How in the blue fuck could they ever have thought that this shit would be a good idea in the fucking first place? WTF?...

Because you know what a good idea is? Having Grace Park parade around in the tightest ass mini-skirt and see-through blouse like she is in that Command and Conquer 3 demo I'm playing right now. Hell yeah, she can command and conquer my ass any fucking day of the week, but that's a story for another day...

But you know what a bad idea is? Maelstrom as a fucking episode, that's fucking what...

Seriously, I know that the writers wanted to get Katee Sackoff off of the goddam show for whatever goddam reason. They wanted to sack her role for whatever fucking goddam notion that they had, that much has been broadly known...

But this is how they chose to do it? In a complete mindfuck of an episode that rivals Lost in sheer goddam pointless stupidity? WTF?...

I mean, we all know Starbuck ain't really gone. The actress is no longer a regular on the show, but you just don't kill an important character like Kara Thrace in a fucking swirling storm of piss-shit nothingness unless she's going to return as some sort of goddess or badass Cylon later down the road or some shit like that. So really, there was no emotional payoff in the end because I couldn't give a flying fuck that she apparently "dies" in this fucking episode...

There was really only one decent scene in the entire whole of Maelstrom, and that was when she was confiding in Apollo about the wall of photos of everyone who had died, and where she wanted her own photo to go. The thing is, there was no real payoff to the sacking of goddam Sackoff in the end. The final scenes of the episode were just so plain goddam rushed, that we didn't even get to see Lee's own goddam personal reaction at seeing the love of her life go down in a blazing ball of useless fire...

Instead, we got a literal laugh out loud scene of Edward James Olmos adlibbing the fuck out of the model boat he was making, much to the chagrin of the producers who knew the damn thing actually costed a hundred thousand bucks to rent. Whoops, but whatever...

Now sure, I can try and appreciate what the writers tried to offer us here in Maelstrom. There were a lot of little touches here and there that might've turned the fortunes of this episode around if only I was in a more nostalgic mood. Little moments like when Starbuck was talking to the Admiral one last time about hearing 'nothing but the rain', or her little conversation with Lee about how some things just never change between the both of them, could've actually felt worthwhile and worth a goddam watch if I didn't feel the episode was on the fucking clock the whole fucking time. As much meaning as those scenes tried to have, it just felt empty in an episode where everything felt rushed and there was absolutely no real sense of closure what-so-goddam-ever...

The writers tried to throw as much into the fold and fire as they could, whether it was a goddam sex moment with fucking Anders yet again (... uggh...) or a return to the fucking horny lesbian event (I wish...) between Starbuck and the Sharon Cylon that saved her on Old Caprica. In essence, Kara did get to say goodbye to everyone who did matter in her life, whether it was Tyrol or President Roslin or even goddam Helo of all shitfaced assholes. The thing is though, she never really said goodbye. There was no real sense of closure, except perhaps with Lee for a few fleeting moments. For the most part, all this episode consisted of was Kara Thrace on fucking suped up mushrooms, flying into a goddam swirling cloud of goddam shitass writing for really no fucking apparent reason whatsoever. WTF?...

Okay, so we also got lots and lots of fucking sex scenes between her and Leoban, or whoever the fuck was representing Leoban in her mind. Umm, is that supposed to be good? WTF?...

And okay, sadly, I wound up wasting away this episode with the image in my mind of Starbuck fucking her own mother up the ass with that goddam cigarette and riding that cancer of hers to goddam ecstasy. And what, is that supposed to be so wrong?...

We've had hints of a cruel and bitter childhood from Thrace before, but really, did any of us really deserve to have all that family shit heaved onto us out of almost goddam nowhere here in Maelstrom? Was any of it actually interesting to anyone out there? WTF?...

How in the blue swirling fuck did the writers ever conjure up the idea that having Leoban act as the Ghost of Christmas Past for fucking Kara in her own habitual nightmare could ever be considered as goddam entertainment? It was all cliche, teen angst, emo-bullshit and nothing more, with Leoban playing the role of her father and her mother playing the role of her goddam bitch. How the fuck did the writers ever think that this would be a decent send-off for the actress, unless this kind of mindfuck of a shit on the brain is exactly how they wanted to screw over her career in the end anyhew? WTF?...

I've compared Maelstrom to an episode of Lost before and I'll do it again. We all know that Starbuck will be back in some form or another in a later episode, so why the fuck would any of us here and now shed a tear? I'd open my eyes if she shed a bra, but that's about fucking it...

Even if she never does return to the series for whatever goddam reason why the writers kicked her off the show, this episode ruined whatever kind sentiments I had towards the character. So many pointless fucking questions were raised here in Maelstrom, none of which even remotely answered any of the existing questions that the fucking earlier parts of the season manifested over the goddam noggin' of the same damn fucking character...

... but even that shitty ass show has at least some goddam Evangeline titty ass action...

So where's my fucking Grace Park in a tight ass mini-skirt and see-through blouse?...

Seriously, what the fuck is a Maelstrom? Because that's exactly what we got here...

Seriously, is this what the writers honestly wanted as the legacy they leave behind? With just a couple of episodes left in the fucking goddam SG-1 series, this is the shit they shovel out on screen? WTF?...

Family Ties was just atrocious, simply goddam fucking atrocious. WTF were they thinking? Were they trying to rip off the most absolute cheesy, meaningless sitcom's from the 80's or some crap like that (or the 70's, even when it comes to the actors, if you know what I mean...)?...

If they were going to rip off shit from the long dead television past, couldn't they at least have stolen from a decent source? Yet here, I didn't get a hint of the writers playing with a full deck of cards like Full House, a perfect execution like Perfect Strangers, or hell, if they wanted to go the whole Sci-Fi sitcom routine, why the hell didn't they just rip off the best in Mork and Mindy? WTF?...

Instead, we as an audience were forced through the hoops and growing pains of goddam Family Matters bullshit...

WTF was the point of this episode? Is there even anything to write about this bullshit? Vala meets up with her scheming, thieving father who doesn't even fit into her old tales of being an innocent little girl from a primitive village before being taken host for a Goa'uld. Of course, I'm sure the script at that point read, "a new scheme is put into motion; hilarity ensues", or some crap like that. Unfortunately, I don't think I laughed once at any point in this goddam fucking episode...

No, wait. Scratch that. I stand corrected. I did laugh out loud while scratching my head when wondering how the fuck the writers could've ever thought Family Ties would be a good way to tie up the end of the series. WTF were they smoking? WTF?...

Nobody on the cast and crew had a decent showing in this turd of an hour. Carter tried to look pretty and all pedicured up for the camera, and only ended up looking completely ugly and out of place with those goddam hooker boots instead. Besides that, what the fuck did she do? A girl's night in while surfing the net for goddam stardust schemes on eBay and shit like that? WTF?...

WTF did Cameron Mitchell do? We didn't even get the pleasure of seeing how hot his date was for the evening (though chances are, it was just another DeLuise...). The extent of his contribution this episode was to claim that Carter and Vala looked "fantastic" at the start (which was a bold faced lie, mind you), and then look all dazed and confused as the new commander of the Odyssey was doing his best damn impression of being bald as Captain Picard on camera. At least we can feel fortunate that we didn't have to put up with the goddam "Cam, Bounty Hunter" leather clad pants that we're normally forced to during shitfest sidestories like this. But still, really, WTF?...

I at least imagined that Daniel would've gotten in a decent moment or two, considering he has been both the guardian angel and muse for Vala's bemusement over the past couple of years. Yet besides a single heart to heart talk with her about trusting her father and how proud he was that she never turned back to being a bad car boost, the two of them didn't get any screen time in whatsoever. Fuck, even that god-awful episode at the beginning of the season where Athena the bimbo whore tried to torture Vala into going lesbian had more Daniel and Vala meaning than this bullshit. I mean, with the series coming to a close, you'd think that maybe the writers would've continued giving hints at those two crazy birds hooking up or something, yet at the end of the episode, Daniel is too fucking tired and lazy to even get off his ass to fuck her up the ass? WTF?...

And Teal'c? WTF was wrong with Teal'c? Just last week, he was kicking ass and taking names as the most badass Jaffa in the entire damn galaxy. And this week, when he wasn't playing babysitter or getting zatted as a patsy, he was all dressed up for the goddam Vagina Monologues? That was probably the most embarrassing moment for both Christopher Judge and the series in a very long fucking time, yet sadly enough? It was pathetically one of the few redeeming moments in this entire hour of a waste of my time. WTF?...

Because what else can I take as hope from this stink of an ass of an episode, especially when Family Ties was all tighed up and tighed down by the shitty ass performance of Beau Bridges as General Landry? Now, I tried my best to just concentrate on just how fucking hard I'd stick my balls in Lexa Doig's mouth (or sadly, maybe even suck Michael Shanks' dick just because it's been in her, but I digress...), or how hard I'd fuck her lower eye into a goddam "sitcum" of my own (... ha?...). Because except for a tiny tummy (and of course, her goddam eye-rolling acting skills), she hasn't missed a fucking beat since having a child of her own...

But unfortunately, even her supreme hotness couldn't make me forget at just how Landry sucks as much shit as my own fucking balls after taking a goddam fucking dump over the feces known as Smallville. How the fuck could the writers ever possibly thought that we'd care about him hooking up back with some 20 year old looking hussy from the goddam 60's, I will never know...

... or some quarter-Asian of a prima-Madonna-wannabe from the goddam 80's, if you get my drift, at least...

There was just absolutely no reason for the writers to produce and put forth an episode like Family fucking Ties. Now, I can understand that with just a couple of episodes left in the series, they'd want to bring some sort of closure to the cast and characters. But honestly, how the fuck is some worthless sidestory of Vala Mal Doran having to deal with fucking poppa issues supposed to result in goddam closure for the actual fans of the goddam show? WTF?...

And to be honest? I'm quite honestly pissed that even after the show was canceled, this was still what the writers and producers fucking chose to put on the air. WTF were they thinking? WTF?...

They wasted a goddam fucking hour of my life. I want it back. And it want it back with a real fucking episode SG-1, thank you very much...

But since that just can't be the case? Then I for one want absolutely no fucking ties with this shitfest of an episode whatsoever...

... God, I haven't been this fucking embarrassed from television, since the last time I watched goddam Voyager...

I'd put down whatever the fuck I was smoking, sever all fucking thoughts and ties to this episode...

... and fucking write for me two fucking amazing last episodes, for the legacy of the series and the fans who truly fucking deserve it...

... ironically, by actually trying hard to write something that wasn't a fucking piece of shit, at least...

Now, by all standards, I thought I'd hate Dirty Hands pretty much as much as any recent fucking episode of Battlestar Galactica. And for a long time throughout the duration of the episode, my expectations pretty much came true...

I mean, yet another Chief Tyrol episode? WTF? Why the fuck are the writers frakkin' with our minds and putting us through his goddam shit time and time again? Not only that, but he had to drag Cally along with him on the shitfest ride. I honestly wanted to smack the living shit out of the goddam worthless, arrogant actress when she was parading about the class structure of the Colonials and crap like that...

And I honestly couldn't stand throughout the extent of the episode how all the Colonials seem to have completely forgotten what kind of asshole Gaius Baltar was when he was president...

I mean seriously, who the fuck do they think he is? Bill Clinton? Al Gore? WTF?...

But besides all those worthless ass scenes of Cally being a supremely dumbass bitch or of all those knuckle-draggers on the deck giving each other a hard time, I actually thought Dirty Hands had some redeeming moments, not just for the series but for the writers as well. I didn't give a damn about anything that happened on the fucking refinery ship, and hell, I was even balling out in laughter at the stupid farmboy getting his arm torn in half by the machine. I really couldn't give two shits about the issues on the goddam refinery ship, as I've never been a real fan of any union that actually goes past a work to rule slowdown. Pretty much the entire first two thirds of this episode were nothing more than derivative, predictable bullshit for the dumbass, clueless masses...

... but indeed, there were definitely moments where Dirty Hands managed to shine beneath the grime...

Take Gaius Baltar for instance. The writers have completely butchered his character over the past couple of seasons, but finally some of that old selfish, survival resourcefulness was bubbling and reaching for the surface once more. He probably did come from the farm planet he claimed he was born on, but obviously his presidency showed he wants nothing to do with the common person unless it comes to cigars, booze and women. But none of that matters anymore, as he pretty much smuggled out his own "Mein Kempf" or fucking "Inconvenient Truth", and became a star in the minds of all those morons out there who actually have already forgotten what a shitass kind of president he really was in office...

Finally, some of that old serpentry carpentry of his was back, and I couldn't help but smile a wily smirk at his character for the first time in goddam ages...

Now, I really didn't give a shit about anything to do with Tyrol, but I do admit that the episode was written in a passionate enough way for the topic of hand, that I actually enjoyed most of the pertinent conversations about the class structure of the world and shit like that. I mostly agree with President Roslin's point of view, that it's simply a fact of life that it's hard for a person born into one job skill and class to ascend to another. Anyone with low family income trying to get into a good university for a chance at a good job will attest to that. And I also do agree with Tyrol, that it'd be great to level the playing field a bit, to a certain degree that is...

But I don't particularly agree with doing all this kind of bullshit during the middle of a fucking war. Admiral Adama was a hardass, but he had it right in saying that a fucking strike or fucking civilian sabotage could take down the entire fucking human race in one fucking shot. I'm all for unions and crap like that after life has become less about survival and more about self actualization, but when the entire fucking human race depends on the oil you refine on a daily basis? Training programs is one thing, but do we really need people on Colonial One to soil their hands, just to make people in "lower classes" feel better about themselves? WTF is this bullshit? A crappy rich ass presidential election where kissing baby heads is suddenly seen as a working man thing? WTF?...

Like I mentioned before, the first two thirds of Dirty Hands was nothing more than predictable, communist bullshit, but how the fuck can I ever hold a grudge against an episode with a badass Admiral Adama like we got here near the end? If you noticed, Adama knew he had no real jurisdiction over the working strike on the refinery ship, nor did he really want to. But when it came to Tyrol and Cally causing a "mutiny" on his own ship? Well, call him Admiral Cain if you'd like, but he did what he had to do...

If you take the oath of military, you have to follow orders, in this life or the next. There is no allowance of morality or a gray zone or any shit like that. There is no fucking thing as a goddam strike. Call Adama a hypocrite if you'd like by letting Helo get away with his bullshit versus what the Admiral threatened Tyrol here with, but either way? The Admiral was The Man once again, and he made for one of the best damn scenes of this entire pathetic season, no doubt...

... the only thing I wish he had done, was actually put Cally against a bulkhead and airlock her into space... but whatever...

And I don't know, but even if the subject material of Dirty Hands was eye-rolling at best? The writers behind it still showed enough passion and pride in their craft to actually produce a scene at the end that had me smiling as much as that new nugget was. Starbuck hasn't really had many badass, crassy or DeGrassi moments to shine in the season, but I don't know, something about the way she was playing with her new toy pawn at the end had me smirking as much as I did at the end of Rise of the Phoenix of whatever that episode was called last season...

Because seriously, is that the only thing that a Tyrol episode ever brings to the fold these days? Hope at the end, thanks to the work of his goddam dirty hands?...

... pfft... I much would've preferred a Tyrol piece from the first season of the frakkin' show then, when at least we were always privied to a couple of gratuitous shots of Grace Park doing her dirty dancing thing, but I digress...

But in this third season of Battlestar Galactica, where so few episodes have actually reached the fucking upper echelon of goddam quality and class, while so many have been reduced to the goddam dredges of hobo horseshit down below?...

... well, at least it was nice to see an episode reach the middle class for once...

... even if the root material was nothing more than an eye-rolling, goddam inconvenient truth...

It's Oscar night. And suffice to say, I'd much rather be watching an episode of Stargate SG-1, thank you very much...

I just never thought there'd be an actor or actress from the show that I felt would actually deserve an Academy Award...

... well, besides Richard Dean Anderson, Michael Shanks, Don S. Davis, and Amanda Tapping, of course...

It's no big secret that the big Jaffa guy hasn't had the greatest of acting performances throughout the ten seasons of Stargate SG-1. Well, not on a consistent basis mind you, but he definitely did have his moments. Probably the best he ever did was season five's Threshold, where we finally learned of his backstory and origins as First Prime of Apophis, but besides that, I'm drawing a blank here. He's always been a great character, and even a decent enough writer in season six, but he never really felt like a true star on the team. Not for ten damn years and countless damn episodes, at least...

Talion was definitely an above average episode, although it's kind of easy to please a guy like me whenever there's a great choreographed fight in there. Because really, Talion had the best damn hand to hand combat sequences I've seen out of Stargate SG-1 since at least season five's The Warrior, and definitely ranks right up there with the Krauser knife fight between Ford and Ronan back on Atlantis season two. Obviously, a lot of credit has to go to the bout between Teal'c and Arkad, even if Teal'c was the poor whipping boy behind the lash for most of that lopsided fight. But really, did I ever think I'd see a kickass battle between the Sodan-trained Cam Mitchell and the biggest Jaffa warrior ever known to man? To be honest, I don't think I ever truly saw it coming...

Well, alright, so maybe that fight was a bit too lopsided in the end, and perhaps a fight against General O'Neill would've had far more meaning for Teal'c as a character. Still, the choreography in that battle was just plain amazing, and I gotta give props to Ben Browder for taking the lumps and bumps for real (as proven by the fact that the camera never cut away when the actor was flipped in half). Maybe I would've preferred Cam to have had at least some sort of fighting chance in the hand to hand engagement, as really at least a couple of those punches he got in should've phased Teal'c just a tad wee bit. But either way, what we did get in the end was still bloody brilliant, with quick elbow jabs and knee lifts and fucking kickass arm drag flips...

Sure, I could've used a goddam chair shot with a Stone Cold Stunner as well from the goddam southern hick getting his red ass kicked, but hey, you take what you can get...

And how can I not compliment an episode where finally the writers made a believable and despicable villain, who actually can be taken seriously (except for the fake posh accent, of course...). Arkad was a badass, and a cowardly one at that, taunting Teal'c after the big lug had already taken two direct staff weapon shots. The fight to the death between the both of them was thrilling, if not just for the Ori-Jaffa epic music but also for the fact that those clubbing shots of his to the knees were timed to goddam perfection. How the fuck can't you get behind Teal'c against the man who was boasting about bringing the "Tau'ri to their knees", and then doing the Dr. Evil fatal mistake of taking credit for bitch-slapping his momma?...

The blade through the heart was just such a satisfying, bloody hell finish to the character arc that Teal'c had started ten years ago...

Fuck, has it been ten years already since Teal'c first defected from Apophis and left his family for SG-1? That was always his character arc, of trying to free the Jaffa from the dynasty of the Goa'uld, and obviously Christopher Judge has had little to do since the fall of the system lords. Teal'c's story probably should have ended back in Threads, but the continuing series just couldn't let that happen, and his character arc has dragged on with a limp in goddam limbo ever since...

But finally, with Talion, I really did think closure was finally brought to the story of Teal'c. No matter if he lost his symbiot, no matter if the Goa'uld system lords are free, he will never stop fighting to bring peace and order and true freedom to the Jaffa. That is his legacy, that is his legend, and what better way to seal the deal than to finally hear on screen that Bra'tac really does see him as the son he never had? How could anyone possibly be more proud of the man he trained, then after stabbing some sick warlord bastard through the heart with his own sword? It's just natural...

The other characters on the show have all had their moments throughout the season, so there was no need for them to steal the spotlight here. However, as mentioned before, I gotta give props to Ben Browder, who got his ass kicked by Teal'c and made the episode ten times better by doing so with both a bruised ego and smile. Hell, he even brought the only real comic chemistry to the fold, going so far as to apologize to Teal'c about lying to him about the trap they had set. "Crazy talk" he had called it, but he and Teal'c really did put together one of the best damn moments this season of Stargate SG-1 has ever goddam produced...

Carter and Daniel had little to do, if anything. Vala was playing catch-up the whole way through, making little tidbit quips about the Jaffa and their backstory in case any new viewers of the Ori arc didn't know about the first eight seasons of the goddam show. And naturally, General Landry had to step on the scene to try to ruin the entire fucking episode for everyone else. Because let's cut the crap, it made no fucking sense whatsoever how he was completely undiplomatic with Arkad one moment, and then bent over backwards the next for the IOA as if his name was goddam Helo. WTF?...

Suffice to say, this entire episode belonged to Teal'c, and damn was the man on fucking fire...

I mean seriously, WTF was up with his badass, slow-mo walk from the man "about to explode"? The scar on that Jaffa's face; was he a fucking James Bond villain reject or some shit like that?...

Hell, I approve of almost all things of badass, violent proportions. And Talion was just that damn good in making me forget about all those lameass, cheesy TV dramas of this day and age. Teal'c stopped at nothing to get his revenge, in a way that was just so much more satisfying than we ever got from the Tanith arc back in season six. And even if Talion may have felt like a total filler episode in terms of standalone plot, it was just so much more than that in the grand scheme of things...

This was Christopher Judge's last chance to truly shine on the series, and goddam did he ever make his mark...

And in these finals hours of Stargate SG-1? That's all I ask from the series. That's all I ask from the writers...

... for closure, for goddam closure to each and every character on the cast and crew...

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