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Y2kk Update: Uggh... I just spent an hour or so, reading up on the news sites and the multiplatform forums, about the up and coming PSX system (which turned out to be a PS2 with a built in 120GB hard drive and DVD recorder, although it seems to share a code name with the original Playstation for reasons unknown...)... and the thing is, even though I know this system will be extremely expensive and not for the average gamer in a sense, I do know what it's really meant to be... a warning to Nintendo and Microsoft, the equivalent of a skull thrown through their windows... that Sony in the future is definitely not going to play by the rules and use games as their big guns... They proved with the original Playstation that a system can sell if it can play CD music. They proved with the Playstation 2 that a system can sell based on its DVD playback alone. And either with the upcoming PSX or with the PS3, they'll prove that a system can sell, simply by adding in a DVD recorder that barely anybody wanted before the announcement this morning... And what's next? TiVo recording abilities? Blu Ray compatibility? Satellite HDTV receiving? The ability to flick on and off light switches with a single remote control?... The thing is, I personally hate "convergence". I hate it when technology all combines together in one, neat little package... and what I hate most, is the double standard on the net. Everyone used to make fun of Microsoft .NET, and everyone used to make fun of Universal Plug and Play... and yet look at the forums! They're all praising Sony's attempts at integrating every damn thing into their Playstation units except the kitchen sink!... and except four controller ports, or even controller ports on the front of the damn system, but I digress... Convergence is supposed to save us money. Some will agree. I, on the other hand, simply claim it forces us to pay for extra stuff that we never wanted in the first place...

And by the way... the TiVo and satellite tuner things I talked about?... apparently, they are going to be in the PSX... and yet I made them up, thinking I was joking to the extreme... go figure...

All Sony wants is to scare Microsoft and Nintendo into shitting in their pants, as the two will look primitive in comparison now if they only put DVD playback into their next systems... and, well... regardless of whether I agree with Sony's vision of the future of gaming or whatever, I'll take my hat off to them and give them Judo kudos for that... Because regardless of whether you like Sony or not, you have to give them credit, for always knowing what the consumer wants (or at least, make them want whatever Sony has), and for always knowing how to market it just quite right... I was wondering this morning why Sony didn't announce this PSX thingy at E3 last week, considering it would've stole the show for Sony coupled with that Playstation Portable thingy. But the thing was, for most people on the net it seems, the announcement of the PSP alone was already enough to scare the opposition into submission... And it seems that the hype machine that possible killed the Sega Dreamcast, is already quickly on its way to wiping out the Nintendo company I've loved since I was a small kid... Already, Game Boy Advance SP sales are dwindling in Japan. Although this possibly could be because the SP is now old news, I personally don't think it's a coincidence that GBA sales practically cut themselves in half just the week after the PSP was announced... and for who? For what? Just like Sony exaggeratingly marketed the PS2 long before it came out, as having Toy Story: The Movie graphics and having the ability to fire Iraqi missiles (neither of which the real PS2 was capable of), Sony is already hyping up the PSP to no ends... although admittingly, not with tales of Tomahawk missile strikes on Baghdad... The thing is, even though the PSP wasn't even shown at E3, nor was its price announced, simply it's 3d graphical abilities, its MPEG and MP3 playback, and the fact that it uses optical discs, have already got the internet and most Western developers into a fusion frenzy, that the PSP will kick the Game Boy Advance's non-FMV ass in no time flat... Nobody seems to care that the system is coming out at the end of 2004 (which is a long way coming), nobody seems to care that the memory sticks used for movie & music playback will be damn expensive, nobody seems to care that the PSP might drain its power quickly or that it might be prone to CD anti-skipping errors, and nobody seems to bloody care that Sony will now officially end and ruin the 2D gaming scene for the rest of bloody eternity... And already people are praising the PSP for its possible connectivity abilities with the upcoming PSX, even though everyone simply dismisses GBA connectivity with the Nintendo Gamecube as a mere gimmick... And already, people are speculating that the PSP will be a portable DVD player, even though that wasn't even in the specs!... Already on the internet, just rapid fire and rabid succession talk of the damn Sony system has made it a million times better than even the specs tried to speculate! And really, even though I can't stand the fact that the PSP might possibly spell the doom of Nintendo in three or more years, I still have to tip my hat for Sony... for always knowing exactly the best way to give the people what they want.

By giving them enough of what they want... or at least, enough of what's new... and let them dream of the rest...

... and, well... besides the PSP, Sony in my opinion didn't have a very good showing at E3. They had Gran Turismo 4, which has almost photo realistic graphics, but I didn't catch any movies of it in action, so I'm not sure if the animation will be better than the realistic but stale motion of Gran Turismo 3... Sony showed off Ratchet and Clank 2 I think, but already people seem bored of the series (although I'm personally dying for a new, decent platformer)... Resident Evil Outbreak will probably be good, but the thing is, the trailer of it played more like a sequel to the Resident Evil movie than it did for the actual damn game... And although Sony had a few other offerings (like EA Sports games being online only on the PS2), I think most of the internet will admit that the company only "stole" the show because of the PSP announcement, and the fact that Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater will be a PS2 exclusive. Although the E3 trailer made me laugh at points I wasn't supposed to laugh at, I wouldn't be lying if I didn't feel jealous when the Metal Gear Solid music played and Mr. Snake over there jumped over a waterfall, Rambo style or whatever... In the end, I was amazed at the Metal Gear Solid 3 trailer. It truly demonstrated movie style qualities and an orchestra of action... but the thing is, even though I know the games are popular for their stealth gameplay, I also know that they're far more popular because of their melodramatic, anime-ish plotlines. And if the MGS3 trailer showed anything, just like the MGS2 trailer long ago proved as well, it's that Konami works wonders when they're making movie-slash-game trailers, and work wonders when making interactive movies... but they're not very good anymore at making interactive games...

Taking away the PSP, Sony had a rather wretched and ratchet blank showing at E3, but let's face facts: every first party company did as well... Now, I'll give absolute credit to Microsoft where credit is due. They showed off a fantastic total line-up, including Ninja Gaiden, BC, Fable, Doom3, Half Life 2, Starcraft: Ghost, and of course, the one and only, Halo 2... But the thing is, how many games will honestly make it to the Xbox this year? 2003 was supposed to be the year of the Xbox, yet the only decent games Xbox fans will get are Brute Force, Ninja Gaiden (which is getting mixed reviews), True Crime (which is multiplatform), Counterstrike (which most PC games wince at actually paying to play), and possibly Fable (if it makes it by Christmas time). Instead, Microsoft fans will have to settle for 2004 as being the true year of the Xbox, as Doom3 and Half-Life 2, two of the games that every Xbox fanatic is drooling over, were only shown for the PC and only briefly mentioned when it came to their console port... so basically, it's hard to call the two games as part the Xbox E3 show, when it was obvious the developers of the games only cared about their respective PC versions... And as for the rest of the Xbox line-up, being a Rare fan, I did feel a bit of nostalgia for their little showing at E3. The remake of Conker's Bad Fur Day seems entincing to me, although it's online add-ons obviously don't apply to my too-cheap-to-pay-for-online-gaming ways. And Kameo looked decent, although it did strangely look very different from the last time we saw the game... And Grabbed by the Ghoulies showed decent animation, although the trailer didn't show much besides kicking and repetitive screaming... but still, I couldn't help but be disappointed in Rare's showings when it was all said and done. Sure, they announced that another Banjo Kazooie was in the works, but where the hell was Perfect Dark 0? There is only one game that I want from Rare, and I fear that it will never see the light, if only so it doesn't take some shine away from Halo 2, but I digress... As for other third party software, Starcraft: Ghost and Splinter Cell: Pandora Tomorrow are both multiplatform, neither are temporary Xbox exclusives, and neither will be released until 2004 anyhew. So really, what the hell does Xbox have this year in the end?... and yet... and yet?... we gamers all know that a solid selection of games don't really matter in the end, as long as the system has a killer app or two. Goldeneye and Ocarina of Time sold the N64. PS2 would sell on Gran Turismo 3 and Grand Theft Auto 3 alone. And Xbox will surely sell on Fable and Halo 2 alone...

And that's where the problem with Nintendo lied this E3... because you see, just like the rest of the net, I couldn't help but feel underwhelmed by Nintendo's presence this year... not that that's much of a surprise, mind you. Last year, they stunned the show with Metroid Prime, Mario Sunshine, and Zelda: Wind Waker. The year before that, hype on the Gamecube, Rogue Leader, and Super Smash Bros Melee arguably took a lot of attention away from the Sony booths... But this year? The problem was... Nintendo had a solid showing. They had Fzero GX, Mario Kart: Double Dash, Star Fox Armada, Mario Golf, Geist, Pokemon Colesseum, Wario World, and Pikmin 2. But honestly, which of those games, with possibly the exception of Mario Kart, can be considered a must have title? Regardless of whether I want Fzero desperately or not, I know that most of the gaming world does not. And what hurt Nintendo's showing even more, was that poor reviews came in for both Mario Kart and Star Fox Armada, with the former being too "slow" (reminds me of those Sega commercials making fun of the original Mario Kart, actually...) and Star Fox Armada having piss poor controls and SNES style FX graphics (even though Namco admitted the game was only 30% done). Geist isn't seen favourably on the internet either, as even though its twist on the FPS gaming industry is incredible and indelible (by taking Maken X to the extreme and allowing for deathmatches where you take over people's bodies), it's graphics and guns were simply not up to Halo 2's standards. I mean, although I personally am looking forward to the game, if only for its original premise, the internet can only judge on screenshots alone, and it hurts to see everyone judge Geist without ever picking up the damn game... And honestly, the problem with Nintendo is that every year, they consistently show titles at E3 that steal the show in some form or another. And after Mario Kart was shown on CNN prematurely, the internet went wild with speculation that the games Nintendo would reveal at the actual show must be even more grander than the grandest of kart racing games... And in the end, we just didn't get what our own hype delivered. We did not get Fear, unless Geist turned out to be Fear... We did not get Game Zero, which even though nothing is known about it, the internet is still insanely speculating that it'll be a FPS that will kill Halo nonetheless... We did not get Super Mario 128, even though Miyamoto alleged in interviews that it would be ready for show by E3... We only got a brief glimpse of Metroid Prime 2, but got nothing else new from the geniuses at Retro Studios... We didn't get any sightings of Mario Tennis, and Too Human was too invisible for the third year in row... And we didn't even get to see a sequel to Zelda, except for Tetra's Trackers and the Four Swords, whose half-blessed and heralded return to 2D gaming on a next gen console, made Nintendo the laughing stock of the show... even the internet fans, who keep demanding for a new 2D Zelda game, hid their faces in shame, despite the fact that they finally got what they wanted...

Nintendo didn't try to compete directly with the competition at E3, contrary to what every internet analyst was hoping they would do. Instead, Nintendo concentrated on the Game Boy Advance and connectivity, and obviously, when the internet was screaming for a Halo killer beforehand, they undoubtedly were destined to be disappointed to see Pac-Man returning to the gaming scene... Like I said before, this by no means signifies that Nintendo had a bad line-up at E3 (and besides, Four Swords looks good... if I had multiple GBAs, or even one...). Their games were good, but unfortunately, they did have a bad show, as the first party showings really could not create any sort of Sony hype machine whatsoever... and often times, when internet forums argue about how lame Nintendo's showing was, they forget to mention that third parties are involved with the Gamecube as well. This year, Nintendo stepped back and let companies like Sega, Square, and Capcom earn their spots to shine, as Billy Hatcher, Final Fantasy: Crystal Chronicles, Metal Gear Solid: Twin Snakes, Resident Evil 4, and Viewtiful Joe all got rave reviews from gamers. The problem is, Billy Hatcher looks like a "kiddie" game to the internet (while Sonic Heroes does not for some odd reason...), Crystal Chronicles is a "side-quest" and therefore not as important as the real Final Fantasy series (even though a Final Fantasy "sidequest" called Secret of Mana is still my favourite Squaresoft game to this day), MGS: Twin Snakes is just a remake of the original (and yet no-one seems to care anymore that a Metal Gear Solid game has finally shown up on a Nintendo system?), Resident Evil 4 is just another Resident Evil game (hmm... no-one seems to care about its Silent Hill creepy darkness, or the RS4 real-time graphics, yet lambaste and bake Geist and Star Fox graphically whenever they get a chance), and Viewtiful Joe is just joe blow too "cartoony" (a complaint used for Zelda everywhere, and a complaint given to Mario Kart when all the negative previews starting propping up...)... Like I've stated a dozen times by now, Nintendo had a solid line-up, a solid snake line-up, and probably the best games of the show, even without any of its big guns. But truth be told, none of the games were worthy of Los Angeles, California. None of the games were worthy of a show that is only meant to one-up the competition with surprises and hype.

In the end, I can be a real stickler and claim that none of the three consoles stole the show this year... and the PC was no better either, since Doom3, Halo PC, Deux Ex 2, and Half Life 2 are all FPSes, and eventually you can only have so much mindless shooting in your life... But I'll still give credit where credit is due, and openly claim that out of all the platforms, the 8-minute footage of Halo 2 was enough to solidfy for me that Xbox deserves the top dog billing this year... but not by much, of course... Sony had the hardware side of things wrapped up. Nintendo had the 2003 line-up all wrapped in gold. But Xbox seems to have 2004 in the palm of its hand, and maybe 2004 will truly be the year of the Xbox like 2002 and 2003 were also repeatedly said to be... unless the PSX and announcements of the PS3 will kill the Xbox sooner than later... and unless the newly announced Zelda sequel and Zoonami's Game Zero (not to mention Sega's possible Halo killer) decide to one-up Halo in the end... and I'm still praying for Perfect Dark 0, which would be incentive enough for me to get a Xbox... but dare to dream I say...

But apparently, Sony isn't the only hype machine going around these days... This Enterprise review of mine may be a week late, but I do have reasons for being so lame ass slow, no matter how weak those reasons may be... Obviously, the end of Buffy filled my writing schedule last week. And besides, the Enterprise season finale sort of left me a wee bit disappointed... That's not to say in the end that The Expanse was not a good episode. I in fact enjoyed it quite a lot. The problem was, it felt more like a teaser phaser trailer of the next year of Enterprise, rather than its own episode. Last year, the cliffhanger of Shockwave left me screaming for me, but this year? Although I wish the Enterprise season never ended, I also wished that the finale could've done the same job that last year's finale did for me... I wanted The Expanse to create a sense of hype and hyper dread in me. Instead, I found it a decent season opener, but not a season closer as I was hoping it would be.

The special effects in Expanse were truly top notch. If the Xindi probe devastating Florida wasn't spectacular enough, the shot of Tucker and Reed standing by the resultant chasm should be enough to stand its own in comparisons to even Star Trek Nemesis. And the space battles against the Duras Klingon ships were among the best battles Enterprise has done yet, although the L4 loop or whatever that Mayweather did in the nebula cloud should have been an easy maneuver that any enemy race would predict... even a Klingon... And you should've heard me cheer when the Enterprise finally replaced their beyond crappy conventional torpedoes with photon ones, even though it irked me how just back in Cogenitor, Malcolm claimed he never heard of photonic weaponry (I guess he just has a bad memory though, considering Hoshi told him about photon torpedoes a year ago on a Klingon ship). And even though the battle was simplistic, how could I not get giddy like Malcolm and smile when Archer ordered to up the yield ante by 50%? And I might as well mention here that the Klingon bird of prey designs were very well done, as they looked like a nice mix between future Birds of Prey and Battlecruisers...

Aesthetically, The Expanse is a near perfect episode. But as an actual episode? Somehow, things felt rushed... I mean, I was surprised by the appearance of the Suliban, and it was a nice touch that the Future Guy suddenly sided with Archer against the Xindi faction or whatever (unless he's pulling a wee WWE swerve on them...). But after that, the Suliban mysteriously disappeared from the episode, and honestly, it might've made the episode feel more coherent if simply Daniels had told Archer about the attack instead... The Klingons were fun to watch, but overall, they posed no threat whatsoever. They tore apart the Enterprise at first, but with more earth ships on the horizon, you knew that Duras stood no chance... although it was surprising that he died, as the destruction of a Klingon ship could signal a war by the time the Enterprise returns from the Delphic Expanse... And the Xindi themselves? Since we only got to see a dead one, I can't say they're a threatening race yet. And it was kind of stupid for them to make a probe rather than a big bomb, considering they had all the time in the world to make one, as earth had no clue that they even existed... in the end, the Xindi reminded me of terrorists, striking down civilians without going for military targets. Of course, unlike terrorists, I'm sure their technology will be far more potent than the US-like Enterprise's in the Delphic Expanse, but that's besides the point...

Each character got a moment or two in this episode... more or less... except for Hoshi, who hopefully will get to be more than the useless hottie on the bridge next season... I mean, even Mayweather got to be the hero at the helm again, as he pulled off a loop at full impulse speeds (which shouldn't be hard with inertial dampeners, but I digress...). Phlox got a couple of good moments for the fifth episode in a row, as he got to scream at a Vulcan for ethics in one scene, and reveal his loyalty to the captain in another. Reed got to have a hell of a lot of fun with his torpedoes, until he realized they no longer could hurt Duras' ship from in front. Malcolm also got some touching moments with Tucker, talking about memorials this and movie theatres that, moments that rekindled their friendship that has been missing in action since Dead Stop. But the real star of the show goes to Charles Tucker, who did a hell of a job of going from innocent voyageur at the start, to disbelief grief, to disgruntled millennium soldier by the end (although his transformation between the three states was a little too quick, thanks to months skipped on television in the dry docks). I loved his anger when he told Malcolm to get the weapons ready so they could blow the Xindi out of the skies (although we all know how pathetic photon torpedoes will be in the end...). I loved his little death march rant about not tip-toeing around in the expanse. I also noted along with Archer that he seemed to have grown very fond of T'Pol, who might I add had some decent scenes this episode as well. I liked her moments with Phlox and Soval, as she did a good job of conveying mixed and shared loyalties to the two. I also did like the way she half pouted to Archer to keep her on the bridge, although the captain sort of ruined that moment with his Kirk-like, righteous stuttering speaking... Actually, considering the gravity of the situation (the weight of the world, actually), Jonathan Archer didn't seem like he cared very much. He didn't look like a boy scout when he was aweing the NX-02, but he certainly didn't seem like a man prepping for war with a military team on board his ship. He certainly did seem aggravated when he heard of the attack on earth, and I did like how couldn't say much about it, but in later scenes, the death toll seemed like just old news to him (then again, the attacks in Iraq already seem like old news to us, so...). And like I state earlier, his inability to speak anything but George Bushian English during his talk with T'Pol about her quitting the High Command, kind of ruined the scene for me... but hell, how can you not snicker and relish a character who tells useless Duras to 'go to hell'? It was probably the highlight of the episode for me, and I would be lying if I said a tingle of excitement didn't shiver my spine when they crossed the threshold into the expanse... I really hope that I'll enjoy this year long arc for Enterprise. I just pray, the show doesn't turn into 24 or some 24/7 crap like that...

And thus closes the final chapter on the sophomore season of Enterprise. I personally fell in love with Enterprise the first moments I watched it last year, and the second season was no different. It is officially my favourite Trek series since The Next Generation, and already I'm enjoying its seasons more than anything but the third and fourth of TNG (and maybe the 6th and 7th of DS9)... and, well... just to tell you few no-name readers out there, next week, before the new season of Stargate starts, I'll be rehashing and sort of re-reviewing the best episodes out of all the series I've watched this year: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, Stargate, and Enterprise. It won't be much of a review, but at least it'll be something to start the real summer-of-no-more-slayage off...

Or actually, it's Wednesday, but the fact remains, that Tuesdays will never be the same for me again... because I won't get new Enterprise episodes Tuesdays any longer, but that's besides the point... and while I'm at in, I might as well admit that Mondays will never be the same for me again either, considering I won't be getting anything but Buffy reruns from here on in ... it won't be the same for any of us Buffy cult viewers any longer. We're never going to be able to hear little, witty, whiny Buffyesque lines like the one up above from you know who. Because as of this Tuesday, a legend was laid down to rest, and I'm not talking about the Master Sword, which has been laid to rest forever, for God knows how many times... But rather, I'm talking about the show that has founded a plural for the word, apocalypse. And indeed, we have reached the real apocalypse or apocalypti or whatever of the series... Because as of this Tuesday, Buffy the Vampire Slayer is no more.

I resisted writing a Buffy review last week, mainly because I was a lazy ass who was too tired and too bored to even bother with his Splinter Cell review. But I've got another reason too... For some damn reason, UPN didn't allow Buffy the Vampire Slayer to go out with its usual bang, and denied it a two hour season finale, not to mention a two hour series finale. And I really don't know what was going through UPN's head at that point when they made that decision, but decisions are decisions, and decisions are final, I suppose. And either way, I decided to simply delay my End of Days review, if only so I could consider it a two parter along with Chosen.

End of Days was not the greatest of episodes, but it did have one of the greatest feels I've felt since maybe Conversations with Dead People or whatever. I mean, the writing was witty, the characterization was all there, and for all those women out there who care about relationships on the television tube, we actually got some signs of love rather than just signs of sex... Right off the bat, the episode kicked itself into decently high gear, as I was already chuckling at the look on Caleb's face when Buffy "King Arthured" the scythe out of the stone. The scythe turned out to be a bit too powerful in the end however, as it seemed even more powerful than Excalibur or whatever kind of crap when it tore apart three Ubervamps without even going for the head or the heart. The weapon also got to be the brunt of some decent jokes as well, as I knew the truth indeed, that "scythe does matter"... And even though Buffy's final bout against Caleb at the end of the episode was not nearly as spectacular as most battles on Angel are, it definitely was perhaps the best fight that Sarah Michelle Gellar has had all year, as the constant switching of hands when it came to the scythe actually made for good television... and I couldn't help but feel lucky for the weapon when it got to sear and smear in the hands of such lovely women as Buffy, Faith, and Willow. And, well... like Willow said, scythe does matter, and boy am I jealous...

Every character in End of Days got a decent role to play. Faith got one of the best lines of the season in, "thank God we're hot chicks with super powers". Her partial apology to Buffy was actually touching to a perspirant Degree, with nice touches such as when Buffy noted that Faith going evil was a bit of a factor in the two never getting along... Willow got to do research again ala season 2, and although the website she was searching on looked like something that the Buffy freaks in my high school would've cooked up out of boredom, she did seem to connect with Giles for the first time since the season seven opener. Giles also got to play a decent role as well, as he started warming up to Buffy again, as soon as he realized she was right when she walked through the door with the scythe... Xander only got one moment that I truly remember, as his talk of being a cow left out to pasteur actually did feel appropriate. And considering he partially blamed Buffy for his eye patch condition two episodes ago or something, it was kind of moving that he was so willing to die by her side... and imply that they were both going to die... And Dawn? Well, nothing really happened to her. Nothing relevant to the story, at least. But I did find it funny when Buffy or Dawn or whomever was speed reading through that letter, and then at the most touching part, Dawn just zapped Xander with a teaser of a taser out of nowhere... sniff sniff, brought back fond memories of girls telling me to stay the hell away, but that's besides the point... Anya and Andrew probably got the best scene in the entire episode, and possibly one of the best of the entire season. Although I wasn't a big fan of Anya's tirade about humans always dying and trying, I did kind of feel sad for Andrew, as his talk of knowing he was going to die reminded me a little too much of my own pep talks of failing in university... But chalk it up to Andrew and only Andrew to mold a melodramatic scene into one of the most humourous scenes of all time, as not only did I agree with his assessment that Jaws Anya was the perfect woman, but I laughed and snortled loud enough for the whole house to hear when the two started duking it out in wheelchairs...

But in the end, although I love the supporting cast at times, Buffy the Vampire Slayer was always really a two character show. It used to be about Angel and Buffy... and now it's about Spike and Buffy... and we got both of the above in the same episode alone... Spike's ramble, that simply holding Buffy in his arms was the best night of his entire life, resonated real true to me, considering I often feel the same way about the few brief moments that I've ever felt close to girls... before the pepper spray, I mean... and while I could've done without the "shirty" arguments, it was cute how Buffy wouldn't hide her feelings from Spike anymore for the umpteenth time, as she told him what seemed to be the truth, that she was holding the scythe because of him. And it kind of hurt me actually, being a Spike fan, when the two eventually put off whatever they were trying to say and departed for the night. I guess it reminded me a bit too much of all those times I was close to saying what I wanted to say... but it just never comes out... After that, the episode kind of dragged a bit on for me, as the white haired women felt a little too Lord of the Ringish for me or some crap like that. Although I loved her shrug when she asked Buffy for her "real" name, her talk of watching the watchers sort of bored me as a television watcher... but that may explain why I don't like the Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings series very much, but that's a story for another day... And when Angel returned? Considering I watched Angel all season long on his own show, it felt kind of weird that he would make such teenage angsty comments to Caleb as Buffy was fighting, and the kiss really seemed like it came out of nowhere, although I realize the writers were liplocked pressed for time... but when I saw the look on Spike's face afterwards as the First Evil called Buffy a "bitch"?... it was priceless... it's just too bad that it wasn't really followed up in Chosen the week after...

Well, in a way it was. Simply put, Chosen was a great episode in my eyes, but just wasn't the series finale that I was hoping for... then again, it's not like I've ever liked a Buffy season finale anyhew... I found the second season finale to be far too melodramatic and cliche, I found the third season finale to be way too anti-governmental and high school crapish, and I was completely upset in the fourth season when my favourite Big Bad, Adam, died before the bloody final episode... I hated the Gift of Season 5 since it was far too melodramatic with the Buffy dying and the Spike crying, and although Willow turning evil and chasing Jonathan and Andrew down was quite entertaining last season, I just couldn't help but laugh out loud and roll my eyes at every single moment Xander told Willow he loved her... So let's face facts: I'm not a fan of finales. But I was definitely a fan of Chosen, even if it wasn't the big bang of a Big Bad episode that I was hoping that it would be.

First things first, the First Evil did nothing, besides give a nice IvanFian-like line of "who needs an arm when you have an army"? It was kind of weird that First Evil Buffy was shorter than the real Buffy, even though Buffy was sans shoes at the time. And it was even weirder that Buffy barely reacted to finding out that the First Evil can imitate her, not like it ever did anything intimidating with the look... But I guess in the end, the Big Bad being all bad and everything wasn't the point of Chosen, or even the season. Evil will always exist, but for the first season finale ever, Buffy chose to act early rather than just act when the apocalypse was finally upon her. She chose to fight rather than just react, and I guess that reverberates meaning in the end... I guess... Although a debate is raging on the net whether Buffy and Willow did the right thing, of activating all Slayers, even though girls like that baseball kid never asked for it, and even though a slayer could turn evil like Faith and cause a world of trouble without watchers... and, well... besides all these moral issues, I at least found the power sharing scene to be quite provocative, like one big Slayer orgy or some festive thing like that... Internet fans also seem to bashing the "feminist" message that Joss Whedon supposedly sent out with this episode, by saying girls can only be strong by beating on male Ubervamps, but since that's all the show has ever been about to me since day one, I'm going to digress... and, well, once again... In the end, Buffy was never about smart plotlines to me, nor smart politics, nor even smart storytelling. It was about smart dialogue, and stupid popcorn action, and that's about it. And these two criteria of mine, Chosen delivered in spades... Quite honestly, I loved the final battle of Chosen, as the armies of the Hellmouth looked better and stronger than anything I saw in the first Lord of the Rings film, at least... And sure, it bugged me how the Ubervamps were being killed left and right, even by sword blows to their guts or whatever. I guess they were little Ubervamps then, and not the super soldier kind that Buffy had to down with cheese and cheeseman mid-way through the season... and I have to give props to the choreographers of the fight scenes. Because while Buffy can't pull off decent one-on-one fights like Angel can, it definitely helped to have a hell of a lot of hot chicks with superpowers in the background, as Kennedy throwing a vamp into a stagmite was cool, and Vi going all Rambo was even cooler...

And just for the record, I've loved hat girl Vi since the first day she arrived, even though she no longer wears that scrumptious hat that I could just eat... To me, Vi is the cutest girl on Buffy the Vampire Slayer since... well, Buffy... and it shocks me that the net loves Vi as much as I do, yet hates Kennedy with a lesbian passion... The reasons for the net hating Kennedy are obvious, considering she is Willow's rebound girl. But I personally found her scenes with Willow to be sweet in Chosen, as even though I gagged on her "my way" line, I felt chemistry in their kiss for the first time ever, actually... probably because I love the way Kennedy looks with her styled hair... and I've always had a thing for brats, like a certain crush I had back in high school, but I digress... And few on the internet seem to like Principal Wood. Although I agree that it was dumb how he could kick down an Ubervamp with ease and not Spike a few episodes back, I did love his chemistry with Faith this episode, and I did love his "death scene"... For once, Wood got to show some Buffyesque character instead of his wooden personality, as he baited Faith with talk of being prettier than her. And when he drifted off on the bus? I actually thought he died, and I actually did feel sorry for Faith, because she looked like she cared about someone for the first time since... well, since she was on Angel, but that's besides the point... Andrew didn't get to do much in this episode, but he and Amanda got to share in probably my favourite scene of the entire episode and possibly the entire season. I was literally howling in my house when I saw the two playing Dungeons and Dragons on the show. And honestly, has there been any line better than, "I used to be a respected watcher, and now I'm a wounded dwarf with the mystical powers of a doily", or something along those lines?... I haven't cracked up from a television show like I did during this scene since... well, since the wheelchair fight, actually... And I really was glad that Andrew survived in the end, even though I knew we would never see him again. He just reminds me too much of myself to die, as he was wondering on the bus why the hellmouth he was still alive. And who could not love a guy who writes a farewell speech and gives credit to his brother, Tucker? He is 'Tucker's brother', afterall... it's just too bad that I'm not used to seeing Amanda with blood on her face. I didn't even notice that she died in this episode until watching it a third time around...

Anya didn't get to do much in this episode either, and it's quite a shame that her character was killed off for just a shout of shock... it was almost as if the writers haven't like Emma all season, but I'll leave that for the tabloids to deal with... I did like her earlier moments, of sleeping through the night before battle, and for getting the courage to fight for her life from the mere image of cute, furry, hoppy bunnies... And it was kind of painful to see her lying there dead as Xander was calling her name. But alas, I was never a big Anya fan (except when I'm hoping to half get her to happy land), so I found myself forgetting her death by the time my TV turned off... But I did care for all the core Scoobies this episode, as Chosen was really centered around the original fantastic four. Xander pretty much just protected Dawn all night (by the way, I loved Dawn's shin kick, but I digress), but even though the internet is flaming him for not tearing up at Anya's death, I could personally see in his eyes... or, um, eye... that he was both proud of her and saddened at the same time... although I do admit, his comments about Starbucks and Toys R Us did seem a bit off... Willow got to play the nervous girl nicely again, but I was really hoping for veiny Willow to make one last return, and not for her to go all whitey on me. But still, it did provide closure to her magic addiction plotline, as it seems that she can now get a good, euphoric, orgasmic high from magic instead of an evil one now. Good for her... and Giles? His true pinnacle of the entire Buffy series to me was that one D&D moment alone, but I do admit, it just felt right (or just felt nostalgic) when he was complaining that the world was doomed... Even though it felt forced and literally came out of nowhere, I loved how Buffy, Willow, and Xander all started talking about shoe shopping and trying on patches, as if we were back in the first season that I so loved to hate... I thought it was a nice touch and a nice nod to old school fans, even if the moment did feel rushed thanks to the one hour constraints of the episode.

The core Scoobies had their moments, but the real moments went to the love triangle... and although Angel acted really strange around Buffy, I still laughed at his talk of Spike getting a soul as part of a fad, if only because I thought the same thing to myself on countless occasions... And while the cookie dough analogy didn't quite work in this episode (but would've worked back in season 1 or 2 when Buffy hadn't been hardened from hardened wood yet), I still found it appropriate for Buffy, as she's only my age or whatever kind of crap, and it's about time she realized she didn't need to find her true love at sweet sixteen... And while I complained that Spike, seeing Angel say hello with his "tongue", didn't amount to anything in the end, it did result in a barrel of laughs with the coolest picture of Angel on a punching bag that I've ever seen in my life. And in a way, it was kind of sweet actually... It felt rushed in a sense, but it was kind of touching how Spike got over his jealousy thing the moment he looked into Buffy's eyes and realized he was her champion... And Spike? Honestly, I didn't think he'd die... I mean, he's showing up on Angel next season, isn't he?... isn't he?... unless that was all a swerve... But still, he finally got the noble death he wanted to, by experiencing what I'm sure many of us wish we could feel... our souls... And it was just really cool, how his soul just blew away all those Ubervamps like that in the coolest effect I've ever seen outside of the movie theatres. And how can you not love a character who chuckles and laughs in the face of stingy death? And my heart did melt when the fire from his hands couldn't melt the hold and bond he had with Buffy... old flames die hard, was what I was feeling... And Spike, you're da man! You truly are Die Hard, part 1! He took out an entire Hellmouth, and although the whole episode did feel rushed as I keep saying, it was a fitting end, for the Welcome to Sunnydale sign to fall into a nuclear crater at the end... if only it had been the larger version of the welcome sign, Spike would've gotten a hat trick for his knocking signs dead efforts, but I digress... if only...

Was it a perfect finale? Absolutely not. I know that there was no time to wrap up a lot of loose ends from the past 7 seasons, but they really should've tried to wrap up some from this last season at least. I mean, where was the 'Buffy won't choose you' thing to Dawn? Although the look on Buffy's face when she saw Dawn back in the house was priceless, that whole sending Dawn off thing (if that's what the quote was alluding to) ended up being pretty meaningless in the end when it came to the final battle... And what about this From Beneath You, It Devours crap? Sure, it alludes to the Hellmouth down below, and possibly it meant that Spike would devour the Hellmouth, but no meanings were clear, and it now seems that the catchphrase of the season was nothing more than just a bad catchphrase... Is the First Evil dead? Of course not. Buffy just destroyed its army. But it was never made clear how the First Evil would eventually become corporeal, even though it was added in that it would become real when most of the world had been overrun with evil... I was really hoping for a twist though, that by activating all Slayers or something, Buffy would've played right into the First Evil's hands and made it corporeal by accident as well. That would've been nifty... Or at least, the episode should've explained why the hell the First Evil was acting now. Why was it amassing an army and opening the seal, when it could've done that when no slayer was ever in Sunnydale for the past thousand years? Sure, Giles once conjectured that Buffy's return from the dead made a weakness in the Slayer line or something, but nothing was explained in Chosen. And at the very least, that tie should've been... well... tied up... or tidied up, at least...

But still, plot holes aside, Chosen was still an episode that shook the pits of my gut with laughter, and an episode that shook my house from pulse pounding action. I loved Buffy doing Matrix jumping between buildings. I loved the fact that Sunnydale was completely destroyed, even though by watching the school bus chug along, it was apparent that the town really wasn't very large at all (yet it has an university... and yet it has a damn dam, but I digress)... But most of all, I will give Chosen two thumbs up, if only because I did feel sad at the end of the episode. Maybe I was just sad the series was ending or something, or maybe the episode really did get to me in the end. But either way, I've never had any real emotional response from any Buffy episode that I've ever watched (although I really did like Once More with Feeling, and I still get queasy watching the Gentleman in whatever that silent noir film episode was called). Chosen wasn't perfect, just like Buffy was never perfect in the series. But when she finally got to smile in the end, knowing that she didn't just save the world... but that she changed it, for once... When she realized she was no longer alone, I couldn't help but smile with her... she could go to Disneyland, and I could send her to happy land... because now that's she 22 and a baked cookie, I think I'll start looking her up in Cleveland or something...

But dare to dream I say... So to Buffy the Vampire Slayer, I take my Vi hat off. And to everyone who was ever involved, I bid a gracious adieu, a God Speed, a Good Will Hunting, and a God Bless Us, Everyone...

... and a very heartfelt, Grrrr... Arrggghhhh... and a thanks for all the memories...

Y2kk Update: The one thing that pisses me off about checking Zelda: the Wind Waker forums, is that almost everyone who still lingers on them seems to be hell-bent on proving to all newcomers, that Zelda is damn well the easiest game ever made... and it hurts sometimes, you know? When they complain that a five year old kid could beat the game without dying once... and while I didn't die once (dying counts as only a minor part of the challenge in a modern 3d game, in my opinion), it really does suck that these posters keep categorizing me as an idiot or something since it took more than a week for me to get to the final boss, despite near non-stop gaming time (during exam time no less, which is probably why I failed my Electricity course, but I digress)... I mentioned in my review that I must be a mentally deficient retard then, as these lingering devil's advocates seem to advocate... But really, I've been hovering and J Edger Hoovering over video game forums for God knows how long. So why Oh why am I all of a sudden taking offence to other people's boasts of ease of difficulty?

... well, I guess it all started on my very last day of exams. I had just returned from that infamous video game store downtown that I always go to, where I had picked up a copy of Splinter Cell for the Gamecube along the way, as a reward for hopefully passing all my second year engineering exams (which I now obviously know was a self delusional lie...). Now, I showed my little Gamecube optical disc copy of the game around and of course, got a lot of negative remarks from my PC gaming friends out there (who never seem to like any game that they can't get for free, or in this case, didn't like how Splinter Cell for the PC's pistol aiming wasn't Counterstrike accurate...)... That was my wish, however. That was my thrill. To be able to laugh at all their dismal remarks and criticisms over a game that I didn't even really care about, and a game that they've barely even tried. I've always considered Splinter Cell an Xbox game and not a Gamecube one, even after recently beating it twice on my GC, so it's not like I required my usually present, preset, fanboy defensive poses or poises or posturings or anything to ward off attackers... But there was just one small criticism, just one little comment, from a guy who's probably one of the nicest I've met in university yet, a comment that I just couldn't shake off as meaningless... Immediately upon seeing Splinter Cell, he ordered me to take it back with a laugh. And as I tried to drag out of him the reason why he was so quick to judge, he openly claimed that Splinter Cell sucks... simply because it has no challenge... It was one of the easiest games of all time, he claimed. I then asked if he beat the game or something, and what was his response?...

He beat the game... on Expert mode... on his first try... on his first sitting... in just a matter of hours...

I didn't really care much for his boast though, considering I had yet to play Splinter Cell and I had no real clue whether he was telling the truth or not (but just for the record, this guy has never lied to me... and just for the record, it took me a week to get through Splinter Cell on Normal Difficulty, so maybe I really am a five year old kid wearing six-year old underwear or something, but I digress...)... But when the subject moved onto Zelda, where I mentioned how many people on the internet brag about how damn easy the Wind Waker was for them?... he then mentioned that he's only played one Zelda game in his entire life... A Link to the Past for the SNES... and he beat it... he beat the entire game... on his first try... on his first sitting... with a damn death meter of zero... in just a matter of hours... meaning he never died... he never got lost, not even in the Lost Woods... and, well... he beat Ganon... on the first try, with barely any hearts... because he didn't even know the goddam bosses dropped them around...

And God, I must suck at games... but I guess most of those Wind Waker anti-evangelists do as well, since they consider A Link to the Past to be the pinnacle of challenge in the series... and, well... in the end, it's all relative... and it's all about balance, but I digress...

Well, this is the part where I'm supposed to get onto my Tom Clancy's Splinter Cell review... a game with Tom Clancy's brand name, even though he really didn't write anything for it... And first things first, I will admit that the game was pretty damn easy. I barely had to try to beat the game, although it certainly did take a while to cycle through every damn stage. It was almost as if I was going through the motions as I kept doing the same damn crawl, side-step, shoot pattern over and over again... The thing was, eventually I got sick of trying to telegraph all my moves on the fly like I would for Zelda. After a day or two of this crap from Splinter Cell, I outright gave up on using night vision and infrared or whatever kind of Cyclops eyewear crap, and chose instead to just run full steam, run of the mill, into the next room, guns blazing, and count how many guys there were before I got slaughtered. After dying once or twice, I would then know where every damn guard would be in the room, since every single damn part of the game felt scripted, and by using this technique, I was able to pass the entire game with barely a scratch... besides all the deaths, of course... And while the same argument can be made for Zelda in a sense, Zelda at least confused me to hell with some of its puzzles, while Splinter Cell's only difficulty came from me walking around in circles, as I had absolutely no clue where to go sometimes after I knocked out every guard. But still, I won't say here that Splinter Cell was an easy game. It definitely did take a while to get used to sniping with a pistol and grappling down walls... and besides, I wouldn't want to make a newfound enemy out of all those evangelists who claimed Splinter Cell was damn harder than Wind Waker ever was, but I digress...

Short story short, Splinter Cell is far from being a bad game. On the contrary, I enjoyed many parts of it after the initial learning stages where I had no clue what to do (my brother can even vouch for me, that it literally and honestly took me half a goddam hour for me to figure out how to rope down a wall)... but the problem was, the game never changed. Actually, it even got worse and more boring as it progressed. And if it wasn't summer time for me and my failed course, I swear I would've stopped playing Splinter Cell around the time of the second Chinese Embassy or something, simply because I had no drive to snipe guards in the face with the SC-20 anymore. The whole game was just one long repetition and one long Matrix regurgitation of itself, and that's exactly why I know in my heart it does not truly deserve the "Best Game of the Year 2002" award that the AIAS or ALIAS or whatever Academy Awards gave it over Metroid Prime... Now, I admit that I never played the Xbox version of Splinter Cell. But I do know the major differences, and the rumours are probably true that the Gamecube version was just a port of the PS2 one, without the nuclear power plant stage. And thus, the graphics I was seeing were PS2 quality, not even Gamecube quality, and definitely not the quality of the game that "deserves" the best game of the year award, as many anti-Vice City and anti-Ratchet and Clank fans claimed... I also know that several parts of stages were cut out from the Xbox version, notably the entrance into the CIA. And I know the Gamecube version was easier to some extent, as many stages allowed 3 alarms to be triggered, not one... But for all those naysayers who claim the Gamecube version was way easier than the Xbox version?... The first time I played Splinter Cell on the GC, it took me a week to get through. But the second time I took the reigns of Sam Fisher?... it took me just four hours to get from the first stage to the death of Nikoledze or whatever that stupid guy's name was... It's unfair to grade Splinter Cell on another system after you've beaten it and know where almost every bloody body and guard is in the game. And that's why I'll still openly argue that Splinter Cell was a decently challenging game, because it at least tided me over when I had nothing better to do.

The problem was, as mentioned before, Splinter Cell was a boring game. And the problem also was, I was hyped up for Splinter Cell to be a "realistic" game, and that truth never really came to fruitation, as if it couldn't handle the truth... First of all, I must say that while on the Xbox, I'm sure the environments were unrivaled and unmatched by any other game's graphics out there... except for Wind Waker, at least... But on the Gamecube at least, where we got a bloody, piss poor PS2 port like always?... I swear, the only stage that had good graphics was the first one, as it seemed Ubi Soft purposely made the game look so damn good at the start, just to hook in players who were only willing to test the waters out. While I admit the textures in the CIA stage were decent, and I admit that the fog or steam or whatever it was in the meat packing plant stage created a damn good atmosphere, I also have to admit that the fire and explosions in later stages seemed like a joke, the Chinese Embassy both times around looked grainy in quality (unless that was intended), and the Georgian Palace stages were only saved graphical wise by all the darkness shrouding their poorly decorated walls and sewers. And trust me, I've played through the game twice. While the first stage can still wow me with its lighting effects, as the shadows silhouetted from the raging fires are simply the best I have ever seen on any console or PC, the rest of the game seemed like it was hefted together as an afterthought on the Gamecube, as even the spotlights in that mine field area couldn't reproduce the brilliant shadows I saw early on... and, well... When I bought Splinter Cell, all I thought the game would be based upon were graphics and shadows, shadows and dust. Although I have yet to play the game on hard mode, I have to say that not once did shadows play a role in the stages I played. But rather, it was the sound and music in the game that did everything, which was weird considering no forum poster ever seemed to care about either in all the posts I've ever read... After running into rooms all the time, getting my head blasted off because I knew I had infinite lives and infinite checkpoints waiting for me, I would simply rely on the pace of the music to guide me through, as it was actually quite remarkable how it acted like a Spiderman spidy-sense. Simply put, when the bad guy music played, I would sit in position and wait to snipe. And when the music was gone, I would move along until a turret would shoot at my leg or some crap like that... and in the end, one can almost say the music in the game made Splinter Cell a little too easy... until I went against those four elite commandos in the last stage, who made short work of me five times in a row or something, but that's besides the point...

Or actually, that is the point... Many people's greatest grievance against Zelda: the Wind Waker was that they never died once. My greatest grievance against Splinter Cell, was that you simply die too many times... and that hell, you're even encouraged to die! This game was said to be one of the most realistic games of all time, yet it was no more realistic than the original Super Mario Bros, in the sense that dying has no effect on the damn game. And unlike Mario Bros, there was no real penalty for dying. While I could never get to Stage 8 back on SMB because I had a finite amount of lives, I found that I could just waltz and practically prance my way through Splinter Cell, simply because it had taken a damn cue from bloody PC games and livened up the mood with a dozen checkpoints in practically every stage. I mean, how the hell is this supposed to be "realistic"?... and while I enjoyed how in the later stages, Sam Fisher could only take a bullet or two before dying, and while it was always fun to snipe off three guys with three shots to the head with the SC-20, I did not enjoy the fact that even after games like Goldeneye and Perfect Dark, soldiers reacted to bullet shots to their legs and arms as if they weren't bloody hit at all. I mean, sure it would've made the game easier, but why would a "realistic" game not even make a goddam person flinch when they were shot with an sniper bullet right through the damn heart? It was the head or nothing in Splinter Cell, which probably was a taken cue from games such as Counterstrike (in which entire rounds of automatics pumped into a guy's gut seems to have minimal effect), and although I did enjoy shooting men right between the eye, it just wasn't "realistic" enough for me... but I guess I should at least be thankful for the bug-fixes since the Xbox version. I heard that on the Xbox, practically half of your head shots seem to go right between the eyes... and all the way out on the other side, as bad guys would simply mosey on down, alive and completely oblivious, without a single clue that they should be dead... and it's true that I encountered "ghost soldiers" about a half dozen times in the Gamecube version as well, especially on my second run through, and it's just kind of funny that a game that's supposed to be so damn "realistic" ended up having some of the worst hit detection physics I have ever experienced in my life... but that didn't bug me the first time I went through the game, so maybe it doesn't really matter?...

But for everything that Splinter Cell does well, it, um... does it well... I never get bored of carrying dead guys into dark corners, even if sometimes, shoving them in a dark closet still sets off an alarm (I could never figure out how to set off absolutely no alarms in the CIA headquarters, even though everyone was goddam hidden). I like the fact that each guard has a different face or something, as it makes stuff more "realistic" I guess (even though it was easy to map every guard a different face when everything was damn scripted and set in stone). I like the fact that the SC-20 has super soaker shockers or whatever, even though I never knew (until reading it on the net) that you could actually shoot water and fry guys with it that way (and actually, that was a problem... a lot of the "cool" stuff in this game, like splitting your legs on walls and then jumping on guys from behind, I simply had no use for in the damn game, not even once... as they were only useful for television advertisements). I like the fact that I had to hold L to steady my sniper scope aim, as it added an extra bit of interactivity to make the assault stages pretty fun to play through the first time around... and most of all, I loved the animations that they gave Sam Fisher. He moves almost photo-realistically as he tip-toes around, and I never get bored of him shooting out cameras around corners... but it sort of really stands out how almost nobody else in the game looks as damn "realistic" as he does, and it sort of is weird how a guy with three, big ass lights on his forehead could go sit and lit in the shadows undetected, but that's besides the point...

As for more bad stuff? Sure, you could shoot out every computer and every light, but almost everything else in the game was non-interactive. Sure, I got used to the free roaming camera after a while, but it really was possibly the worst free-roaming camera I have ever used. And sure, I've never been a fan of non-linear games, but Splinter Cell was simply TOO linear, as there was always only one way to go in the damn game. And what sucked even more, as I stated long before, was that often I was too damn blind to spot that one damn way to move, for God knows how long. It took me a bloody hour to figure out where that damn contact was in the first stage fire room, it took me half an hour to figure out you could grapple onto exhaust pipes or something, it took me almost another damn hour to figure out I had to jump over that garbage bin into the Chinese Embassy, and worst yet... Can you imagine this? Simply because they didn't show it to me in the training tutorial, I didn't know you could "judo elbow" people with the L button until the fifth or sixth bloody stage... So honestly, for the entire CIA stage, I would literally keep running around my opponents in the darkness, attempting to grab them from behind and "judo chop" them until they died, because I had no idea that I could simply punch them in bloody front of their two bloody eyes... and of course, every time they pulled a gun on me, it was truly ridiculous how I kept running around like a chickenshit, Homer Simpson in circles, and yet... and, well... I somehow managed to still pass the stage on my first sitting... I guess I'm just lucky... and I guess I'm also real stupid, because I also didn't know until a few days ago that I could turn the SC-20 into an automatic, but I digress...

And really, that's probably the only real compliment that I can give the game, although I'll get to that in a second... As a movie experience, Tom Clancy's Splinter Cell absolutely sucked, as the plot line was too straight-forward with really no twists. The only moment I was invested in, happened when the Georgian President delivered his cyberterrorism strike while Fisher's daughter, Sarah, was on the phone, but besides that?... Maybe I've simply watched too many Hollywood films, but was it too much to ask for Sarah to be captured for ransom or something, and was it too much to ask that that helper guy, whatever his name was, faked his own death and truly was a 006 traitor or something?... it would've explained a lot, but I guess every Tom Clancy movie has to be dull and "realistic" (even though nuking Baltimore in Sum of All Fears was goddam not realistic)... And as a "realistic" gaming experience, Splinter Cell failed in almost every aspect as well, as every single scene in the game felt scripted (eg: guard shows up at point A, shoot guard in head, second guard arrives at point A, stands at body, shoot guard in head, rinse, lather, and repeat, etc...). Nothing felt alive. Nothing felt dynamic. Everything was either annoying (like hearing Lambert's rhetorical statements over and over again after you died), or everything was a gimmick (I didn't even realize that you could bloody hell shoot the fish tanks, even though some Xbox fans used this "interactivity" as proof that Splinter Cell was the best game ever made, period...). And really, that leads to the "only real compliment" that I can give the game... about the repetitiveness, I mean...

Because truth be told, if you're looking for an "old school" gaming experience, maybe Splinter Cell will be right up your Chinese Embassy alley. If you like dying all the time, if you enjoy repeatedly playing through the same damn scenario all the time, then you'll enjoy Splinter Cell, as it reminds me of some of the old NES greats... minus that goddam, Bionic Commando confusion on how to goddam grapple poles, but that's besides the point... And really, though I may have many complaints about Ubi Soft's Splinter Cell, the fact of the matter remains, that I just couldn't put down the game until I finished the stage that I was on. Checkpoints and saves be damned, if I didn't beat the entire CIA headquarters in one sitting, I couldn't live with myself. And that sort of addictiveness does make me see some of the reasons why Splinter Cell won the best game of the year award from the only Academy I've ever cared about... but, um... a few reasons doesn't mean it deserved it, as Metroid Prime is a far more engrossing game that should've grossed more sales, but at least I can now see that Tom Clancy's Splinter Cell was a close second... or maybe not... but a close contender, at least... And as for me? I personally am already sick of the stealth spy genre, as I was almost ready to hurl when I saw the girl in the Starcraft Ghost E3 trailer pulling a Sam Fisher... if I ever see another Splinter Cell game in my life again, it will be too soon... but of course, I'll still buy the sequel first day it ever comes out, if only to bug my PC loving friends... and if only to see how damn fast I can beat the damn game, but that's besides the point...

But anyhew, enough with the Nintendo Gamecube reviews that nobody will ever read. I would write my Buffy the Vampire Slayer review now, but I think I'll save that for tomorrow or something, by lumping and humping End of Days with my upcoming Chosen review or something. In the meantime, while waiting for IvanF's double your pleasure, double your fun Buffy whammy, it turned out that we got a double dose of Enterprise this week... half for the better, and half for the worst, I'm afraid... I'll try to be brief on First Flight, the first of the two episodes, since there's really not much I can say about it. It was a three man show, and one of those men wasn't even part of the main cast. And yet I couldn't help but enjoy this episode, even if it moved along at a predictable pace. I've always been a fan of warp drive, and I personally thought all those Warp 2 tests in First Flight were a nice homage to the men and women who died in the Columbia crash... As for the characters in the episode, T'Pol got to shine every time she looked out the window yonder like a puppy dog who really does likes science, but besides her heart-warming "compliment" of naming the dark matter nebula after AG Robinson, she really wasn't given many lines. Tucker didn't get to do much either, but I loved his chemistry with Ruby in the past, as I really think those two could really work together (which I think they tried, as mentioned in Shuttlepod One, but don't quote me on that one). And I couldn't help but slap my fist on my head when I learned the truth about his name being "Trip"... Charles Tucker, the "Third", I mean... it's so damn obvious, and so damn corny, that I couldn't help but love it as I demanded to myself, why oh captain why I couldn't figure it out myself... As for Archer, he actually played a good "by the book" kind of guy, which was completely opposite to how Captain Picard was in his youth. I even felt like Jonathan was the exact opposite of his current boy scout self while directing AG in the flight control room, although his attempts at trying to look concerned with the destruction of the NX ship was kind of laughable, not laudable... Archer and Robinson got to inflict some good punches on each other, which every guy knows is absolutely the best way for us to bond. And I must admit, even though he seemed strangely out of place in the Star Trek world, AG Robinson turned out to be a great character in the end, as I almost felt sad when he told Archer, "see you out there", because we knew the truth that he wouldn't... Although the competitive spirit between the two was cliche, as even I used to write in my stories back in grade 8 lines like, "God knows you could use the practice", I still thought it worked well in this episode... but maybe I just have a soft spot for flashbacks and nostalgia or some crap like that... or burgeoning, bourgeois hope that maybe I can be a bad Star Trek writer one of these days...

But while I adored First Flight, I really couldn't love T'Pol like she would love me during Pon Farr, and I really couldn't love Bounty like I hoped I would. First of all, it never helps when an episode is named after a paper towel company... and secondly, while I thought the Tellerite's make-up was pretty damn done well for Star Trek, it was just too cliche to me that Skalaar or whatever his name was had a heart of pure gold. He loved his cargo ship, and was willing to make deals with the devil to get his ship back from the devil. And while I guess he should be admired if Star Trek were reality, on television the Tellerite was just a bore to watch, as even the look of disdain on his brother's face couldn't save this plotline from feeling just a little too bit overdone and ripe. Archer really didn't do anything in this episode that he didn't do in Canamar, as the only moment that I can really remember him in was when he purposely started busting the Tellerite's engines. I actually was surprised that Boy Scout Archer wouldn't magically fix everything just to gain his captor's trust, but I guess Archer did learn a thing or two from First Flight... what that lesson was, I may never know... And I thought his escape from the Klingon ship was decent, if not a little too easy. It annoyed me how he was able to beat off a Klingon with barely his bare hands, although I guess Klingons have become pathetic after repeated beatings on Deep Space 9. I also was annoyed that the Enterprise was able to not just fend against the Klingon ship, but was able to cripple it as well. Although I'm sure the writers will claim eventually that the ship Archer was on was just a weak transport or something, it would've helped if they mentioned it in the episode... Overall, although I was pleased that the writers had brought forth a direct follow up to the events of Archer's trial in Judgment, I unfortunately couldn't enjoy the episode... not even with its B (and definitely A-class) plot...

I've been waiting for a nice Pon Farr episode, as yes, I even enjoyed the Voyager one where Torres goes into heat... But the thing was, Bounty was not a real Pon Farr episode, even with B'Elanna behind the helm. It was a teaser, as it teased us with T'Pol rubbing her legs with gel, it teased us with T'pol eating with her hands while eyeing Tucker (which has meaning to me, somehow... the eating, I mean...), and of T'Pol making it painfully clear that she knows that Malcolm Reed likes her bum... even though he hasn't mentioned anything since first season ended... And while I didn't enjoy the Pon Farr scenes nearly as much as I wanted to (I wanted a fist fight between Archer and Tucker for T'Pol's hand in non-sanctioned and unsacrimonious, moaning marriage, but alas, all we got was T'Pol running around in her undies and getting shot with phallic phase pistols), I must admit that my friend messaged me soon after, telling me that Bounty was his favourite Enterprise episode yet... I assume he wrote me that with a straight face... and while I personally can't agree with him, how can I possibly argue that Bounty sucks, if the target male audience can't get enough of T'Pol sucking on Malcolm's pistol?... and besides, on a positive note, I did like Phlox's talk of Denubulan males being rather inhibited, despite their tendency to have multiple wives, as it did make some of the earlier scenes more tolerable... So as long as decent acting is involved, and as long as we can see more sweat, bring on the pain I say... or at least, bring back the love triangle thing with more Pon Farr episodes whenever the future's comes to an end... I'll be waiting for Tucker and T'Pol, sharing his cigar in bed...

Y2kk Update: Hmm... well, I'll be damned... I read quite an interesting article in the newspaper this morning, about a certain Islamic leader in the Los Angeles region or something... This leader apparently blasted X2 or X-men 2 or whatever you want to call it, because according to him, it was plainly visible in the "opening sequences" of the movie, that the villain wore a ring with "Allah" on it... He concluded that the director or dictator or whatever you want to call him, Bryan Singer, had mutilated the precious story of the X-men, a story that's always been about tolerance and indifference, into blatant US propaganda against the Islamic world... and, well... um... the thing was, for all us movie goers who actually did see X2, there was really no villain in the "opening sequences" of the movie (unless you count Stryker's appearance with an all too ominous Senator Kelly to be in the opening)... although I do remember a few close up shots on the hand of a certain Nightcrawler at the beginning when he was in disguise... Now, I guess I shouldn't jump to conclusions. I mean, maybe Magneto or Stryker were really the ones with the Allah ring or something, as it's not like I paid attention to what every character in the movie was wearing... but, um... if this LA leader guy who had actually mistaken NightCrawler for the bad guy in the film?... then, well... um... I guess I shouldn't say anything... But if I watch X2 a second time and actually do see that Stryker or Lady Deathstrike in the White House really does wear a beware Allah ring for no apparent reason whatsoever?... then, well... I guess I shouldn't say anything then either... or wouldn't say anything, because I would be speechless...

If you can't tell already, truth be told, I saw X2 over the weekend with my sister, her boyfriend, and my brother... The thing was though, I have absolutely no clue whatsoever why my sister would treat us to this film. Whether she was just feeling guilty that we didn't do much for my birthday, or because she was trying to subvertly convince my brother to let her keep the car for another month, I may never know... Either way, things turned out just perfect peachy for me, considering I didn't have to pay a single dime... and not even a Canadian one... but then again, I have definitely noticed that when I pay with my own money, I seem to enjoy things a hell of a lot more than if they're just given to me on a sliver of a silver platter... and truth be told, maybe it's because I went in with such high expectations, but X2: X-men United was not the perfect, geek, Mastermind of a movie that I was so hoping that it would be (although thank God it was Superman leaps and bounds over anything that god-awful, Captain Picard Mastermind movie ever was)... X2 was a good movie, maybe even a great movie at times, but in the end, though it pains me to say this, I just didn't enjoy the pacing of the film very much, and I just didn't experience the classic characterization that I felt the first X-men movie endearingly had (although the first movie was a chore of a bore, if only because the action sequences all sucked)... But anyhew, before I get on with my review, I'd better just warn you one or two readers out there that spoilers abound in any review that I write, and in my honest opinion, by going into X2 without knowing a damn thing about it, I found that the most enjoyable parts of the movie were indeed the surprises... heck, it was surprising that I enjoyed the surprises so much, and didn't enjoy all the geek timbits that we all knew were coming, that the rest of the internet seems to adore...

There's only one way that I can really do a proper etiquette, X2 review, and that's by doing the usual suspect, fanboy thing and run down the entire list of coolio characters... and what an all-star cast it was, as we all knew from the commercials alone... Let me just get off my chest here and now, that Patrick Stewart is by all accounts Professor Xavier. Nobody could've played the part better than Mr. Picard over there, and truth be told, he nails every line he's given in X2 like Hemingway humping Shakespeare, whatever the hell that's supposed to mean... From his joke to Wolverine that he'll let Jean braid his hair, to his screaming at Jason Stryker to stop messing with his mind, to the calm serenity in his eyes as he inexplicably took almost two whole days to move his damn wheelchair to the very next Cerebro room, to his bald, bawdy orders to never show off again as he used his T Mobile commercial powers on every person in the museum, to even the sheer, stryking sense of power and fortitude he displayed to the president in the final scenes, Patrick Stewart was the embodiment of everything that Xavier has been or ever will be... or, um... not quite I guess, because actually, there was just this one line that poor Xavier could not deliver with Shakespearean prose, and that was when Jean Grey took over his mind near the end... I can't and won't blame my precious Captain Picard for this, because honestly... maybe the writers were trying to make a comment about our own homophobia here or something, but I honestly could not take the death scene seriously with Cyclops shedding an optic tearful at a Professor Xavier smirking like a giddy school girl... whether that's a personal fantasy of most X-men comic book fans or not, I don't know, but I seriously think it would've worked better if Jean had simply picked Storm to play mind games with, or Rogue, or even Nightcrawler for Christ's sakes... the scene just didn't work in my eyes, and it's a shame that it didn't, because the death of an X-men truly was unexpected and on the preparation H whole, pretty well done...

Those who have watched X2 know that I'm talking about Jean Grey. Although Wolverine was still mostly the star of the film, it was Jean Grey who came a close, second in fiery prominence. The problem was, her plotline was just a bit too sappy and far too melodramatic, even for my Buffy with frickin' lasers on her head tastes, especially because Jean Grey's powers were far too damn powerful and far too damn prominent like I said before... In my opinion, I really can't see how the Phoenix Saga can work on the big screen, but at least I was given hints of how it could in X2. Although it was cheesy how fire managed to burn in her eyes every single damn time she exerted herself, almost as if Famke was extra horny or some crap like that, it did lead to some decent moments in the end, as I especially enjoyed her battle with Cyclops that resulted in a damn damn not being dammed... But besides that, did Famke I-can't-spell-her-last-name really have much to do? Her speech at the end of the movie nearly had me rolling, as it just didn't sound natural. Her comments to Storm about being bored in the Church seemed out of place as well, not to mention that it bugged me to hell how she just casually classified Nightcrawler as a teleporter (as if it's such a common thing), but that's besides the point... I however did enjoy the delivery of her line when she told Wolverine that the girls always flirt with the bad boys, and go home with the good ones... gives me so much hope for the future, sniff sniff... Not to mention the fact that Famke looked absolutely ravishing in her little tank top, though that was really Mystique in disguise, as she went all groping and eloping with Wolverine, but I digress... and I have to admit here. I was never a fan of the Phoenix Saga in the first place, so call me bias if you will. I admit Jean Grey was much better in this film than she was in the first film, where all she did was stare and smile as Cyclops could've shot Magneto a hell of a lot earlier and saved Rogue's hair for bloody sakes... but still, it just didn't feel right that Jean was actually a star of this X2 film... especially with my favourite X-men, Cyclops, being back on the backburner and not even the afterburner of the Blackbird yet again...

I admit it. Cyclops sucks in the films. In the first X-men, all he could do with get beat up by Toad of all people, and in X2? He gets beaten by his girlfriend, who could never do anything in the comics except trot along by Xavier's side like a Parisian Troy of a trollop... and Cyclops also got his ass kicked by Kelly Hu in about five bloody, spandex seconds, but I'll get to that in a second... But luckily, my second favourite X-men, Wolverine, got the shine as the greatest star in the film yet again, as I really, really, ridiculously mean it when I say Hugh Jackman is, without a shadow of a doubt, truly the incarnation of Wolverine on the big screen... I mean, was it me, or was the stupefied look of grief-stricken panic on his face pure Oscar-worthy, as ice barricaded him from the one man who could reveal to him the truth? And was it me, or did the poor guy look so damn heart broken when Jean finally made her choices (first with Cyclops, and second at the end of the film), more so than in whatever that horrible romantic comedy of his was called?... And his battle with Lady Deathstrike was simply breathtaking, as you really do start feeling bad for the two when you realize they simply could not die, no matter how many times they were killed. And well, quite frankly, it was probably the best battle I've seen on screen since... well, Shanghai Knights, which wasn't very long ago, so I guess that isn't saying much... and I do have one major complaint, that that battle was simply too short for its own good. But it also did provide the only time in the entire movie that I remember myself chuckling out loud... when obviously, Wolverine widened his eyes and hardened his adamantium look when Kelly Hu extended or protracted or pornographiced or whatever her own adamantium claws, and all poor Logan could say was, "Holy Shit!", as if a certain body part of his (minus the adamantium skeleton) became as hardened and as smitten as a Rock... it truly was a Kodak moment...

But as much as Wolverine was the star of the film, especially because of his dynamic with Stryker, I don't think there's an X-men fan, or a Lord of the Rings fan either, on the face of the planet who would not admit that Sir Ian as Magneto stole every single scene that he was in. Literally every line that Magneto uttered had my thrilled on the edge of my seat, as much as 1000 monkeys typing on a 1000 typewriters always seems to do to me, but that's besides the point... From his incredibly innovative escape from prison (although I'm sure there was an easier way than pumping iron into lard), to his comment about the X-men not knowing how to fly as he effortlessly saved the Blackbird, to his sense of sheer casualness as he plucked every single one of those grenade pins out of those Grenada soldiers, to his simple strut and tap on the helmet he gave to Jason Stryker as a new, nefarious scene hatched in the howls of his mind... And honestly, probably the best scene in the entire film was probably the simplest, as Magneto coaxed the ever confused, ever Columbine, Pyro into believing that the man who-would-murder-every-human-on-earth ain't exactly a bad guy... But while I agree with about every geek on the face of the planet that Magneto was played to pure perfection, I have to disagree with those who claimed Mystique played off her working relationship with the boss, so to speak, with bodily, blue perfection. While Magneto had his ever persistent magnetic personality, Mystique seemed to have lost her aura of mystique from the first film, as she was seen onscreen far too often to be shrouded in our curiousities (and 10-year old fantasies) anymore... Her plan to free Magneto was absolutely brilliant, but her scene where "Grace" graces a lovely toilet scene wasn't exactly my cup of earl gray tea... Her attempted seduction of Wolverine played nicely in the trailers, but it somehow felt too fast and too forced in the actual movie, except when I was staring at Famke's, um... well, you know... acting... And though her break-in of Stryker's facility at the end was logical, it just pained me to see that the guards were so damn inept and so damn Austin Powers stupid that they missed every single damn shot... it really would've helped if they had plastic laser beams attached to their heads, but I digress... because honestly, I don't care how fast Mystique can move. A bullet is a bullet, and a giddy girl sliding across the floor as if she was riding a splish and splash mat in her own backyard, should've been hit by a bloody, Neo barrage of bloody ammo by the time she reached the door... And quite frankly, the only time I saw a connection between her and Magneto was when, with just a single look and a swollen smile, Mystique got the message, turned into Stryker, and turned the tables on the situation in a way that the X-men should've been smart enough to see 8 miles ahead... and, well... at least AintItCoolNews had a laudable quote about her, that Magneto and Mystique share such a connection, probably because no matter which way Magneto "swings", Mystique can satisfy... unfortunately, as tasty as that morsel of a timbit of an idea as that was, alas, it just didn't shape or shift in the movie to me...

And since this review is running steadily long already, let me try to run down the rest of the cast as quickly as possible... Storm, as my brother said, "finally learned to speak English". And the thing was, there was not a single scene in the film that I enjoyed her presence in, sadly enough... I mean, she didn't have any lines nearly as bad as her "struck by lightning" one in the first film, but I felt no chemistry when she was poking and prodding at Nightcrawler's sins on his skin, and she sort of ruined the climax of the film for me by taking so damn long to freeze the damn Cerebro 2 room. And actually, I sort of wanted her to die in this film, as I sort of felt threatened by the fact that she could make hundreds of tornadoes to destroy US fighter planes. Somehow, it's hard to feel comfortable around a girl who can't talk properly and has the ability to destroy every city on earth, and I guess that makes me as sinful as Stryker in the end, but I digress... Nightcrawler had probably the second best scene in the movie, as his attempted assassination of the president ranks right up there with the Wolverine-Deathstrike battle. The problem was, although his Catholicism worked well at first, somehow I got bored of hearing about my own religion by the end of the film. And although I probably chuckled at his comments about being in the great circus once or twice, it did remind me a little too much of the jumping flea in A Bug's Life, and I really could've done with his little pep-talk about faith before teleporting through the door... the only Faith I seem to drool at anymore seems to be the one on Buffy, but I really should digress...

And as for the three main teens of the movie, Rogue barely had anything to do. Although I understand why she'd be so freaked after flying the Blackbird near the end, her acting just felt massively out of the place compared to everything else happening in the scene... I do like how pissed she got when Magneto taunted her about her hair, but like I said before, Magneto ruled every scene he was in, so I really can't attribute this to Anna Paquin (who's rogue beauty lured me into the first film)... her kiss with Bobby was nice in the trailers, but meant nothing to me after seeing it a dozen times since. And really, the only memorable Rogue moment was when she didn't buckle her seatbelt and paid for it with a flight out of the plane. Now, I didn't understand why Nightcrawler could teleport back to the Blackbird at such high velocities without seeing where he was exactly going, yet he was so afraid of a little door near the end, but that didn't really matter to me, considering you can't beat a scene where flightless Rogue falls to her death... Moving along, Bobby, Iceman, or whatever you want to call him, didn't do much in the film either. He did look rather candidly sad at the end though, when he realized Pyro was gone. I'll give kudos to him for that... And as for John? Oh, sorry, I mean, Pyro... There's not much to comment about his acting, but I did absolutely love how he kept flicking and flopping the lid of his lighter, as if he was itching to go trigger happy or something benevolent like that. And although he went just a little overboard with his frying of all the police officers in his magical, momentous scene, it was rather fittingly humiliating him when he was beaten up by useless Rogue of all people... it seems that X2 has a lot of white boy beating by girlfriends or whatever in the film... damn boy scout Cyclops...

Overall, the three of them added a nice B plot the film... or a C plot... or a D plot... or a plot on a graph, or a plot hole, or something along those lines. And actually, the mansion definitely felt more like a "school" this time around since we got to see the far kids more than the psycho-technology basement down below (which the first film filmed far too much for my tastes at least... somehow, it just felt unrealistic that leather suits could be sitting underneath Toronto's Castle Loma, but I digress...). Colossus was nice to see, although it bugged my brother and me to hell that he was missing the Russian accent for one, lone ranger line... I personally liked Shadowcat, especially since she looked almost Famke adorable in her little sleeping garments (although what happened to her? Wolverine just left Colossus and co in the woods with nothing to eat but themselves)... And the thing was, the feeling of a school is probably what made the Wolverine scenes so hard to watch and bare... because you see, the moment I left the theatre, besides laughing at that Phoenix symbol in the water, I felt a sense of dire distress in the pits of my stomach, and I didn't exactly know why... I can't say that I was disturbed, and I won't say that I was unsettled... but still, something just didn't sit right with me every time I thought back to Wolverine killing US soldiers without mercy. Either it's because he did it in front of Rogue without remorse, or either it's because I simply was not expecting him to go all Die Hard in a film about heroes, I don't know... All I know is that I left the theatre, feeling like something was wrong, feeling like something went wrong. Whether that feeling was a good thing or a bad thing for my movie theatre experience, whether that feeling was intentional or not, I have yet to decide.

To wrap things up, I'll say this much at least. X2: X-men United definitely kept me on the edge of my seat thanks to surprises and surprisingly good villains. William Stryker wasn't just cruel and malevolent... I almost felt bad for him, when he told the story of his wife and a power drill... And although it was a little excessive how he essentially had three death scenes, you have to admit, he played the villainous part to perfection. I loved his evil accent, I loved his big grins at Wolverine, I loved his comment that he once thought Logan was unique, and I especially loved the moment where he told Mr. Stargate Tanith to shoot anyone who approaches, even if it's him... And I loved his idea to use Professor Xavier to rid the world of all mutants, partly because he wanted to save the world from men like Magneto, and partly out of revenge for Xavier turning his son against him... it was all ironic, and all rather tragic in the end... And maybe that's the reason why I didn't like X2 as much as X-men 1, even though I found the original to be slow and boring. I can argue that X2 was simply too fast paced, with one scene always leading to another, and with one short battle concluding to start another... I can argue that I felt the musical score from the original was, well, more original than the one in X2 as well... But perhaps the truth of the matter is, when I walked out of the theatre, I think I noticed something... For a movie about heroes, for a movie about tolerance, I oddly found myself caring far more for the villains, of Stryker and Magneto, than I did for any of the heroes... As I stated to a friend the day after, I entered the theatre expecting Shakespeare. I left with merely Hemingway... Magneto and Stryker definitely struck me as MacBeth quality, but the rest of the cast? With the notable exception of Wolverine, I felt like I was stuck with a crap story like Huckleberry Finn... or even worse... shudder... Hamlet... and I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I just find, that perhaps... just maybe... I was just a too little disturbed at myself, a little too perturbed with myself, for betraying what I should believe, and for not enjoying the film for what it was...

And you know what was even more funny to me? While X2 lacked a sense of humour, the posters on the Buffy forums definitely did not. I know that Joss Whedon wrote a few scenes for X2 (probably including the one where Bobby returns home to Boston, where Pyro goes psychedelic). But honestly, have the forum posters gone mad? I saw at least 3 massive threads the other week about how X-men copied Buffy the Vampire Slayer! They commented that the isolation of mutants was stolen from the isolation that Buffy feels as the Slayer... and, um... these people do realize that X-men talked about bigotry and tolerance decades before Buffy ever arrived, don't they? And they do realize that even X-men copied its ideas from a thousand different sources before it? Nothing is ever original, and that's one thing many posters seem to refuse to see... I mean, there's nothing wrong with not being original, at least not to me. Anything I ever write has probably been said a thousand times fold on the internet online alone... But the thing is, many forum posters seem to believe that after seven long years of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, that the writers can still come up with "original metaphors" and original storylines that do not resemble ones from the past. I mean, they criticized Spike for getting a soul, simply because it was too much like Angel being cursed with one... the key to good television is to repackage old ideas in a way that the fans don't notice they're watching the same damn thing. Such is the definition of a fad... and that was the premise that Buffy was first formed upon. A chosen one. A slayer... or as I've always seen it, teenagers whining about not being understood, as every show I've seen since I was born seems to encompass...

And the thing is, my acceptance of non-originality normally leads to me enjoying episodes for what they are, and I personally thought this week's episode, Touched, was rather touching, even if it's all been said and done before in the years before... I won't say much about it since I'm getting tired of typing, but Spike's speech to Buffy nearly had me on my knee, as I wished I could say all those things to girls that I, well... thought I loved, if love is possible... Hell, I'll probably steal his speech if it can ever get a girl to go all weepy and attainathon like that... Buffy and Spike held the episode together like American Pie crazy glue, as Sarah Michelle Gellar really did seem depressed when she was hiding under those covers (not to mention seeming very hot to me, as I always dream of rescuing girls who feel down under... and want it down under, but I digress...). And although her Matrix dodge of Caleb's punches was cheesy, her face lighting up like a Christmas tree when she saw that Master sword or scythe or whatever it was, nearly brought a tear to my eye as well... mainly because she looked hot when she was fighting, but, um (I wonder though... every time Link takes out the Master Sword, something goes wrong...)... I guess I've just been real horny this week or something, because my only comments about Willow are that she looked extremely adorable as well. The way she said her little practiced speech to Spike was season 2 cuteness if you ask me, and the sleeping wear she wore when Kennedy was talking about unrestrained moaning?... if only all girls could wear those kind of extra comfy clothes around me, I'd simply melt in my own knees... and yet the internet hates what they call "Killow" so much, almost to the point where they want to kill Kennedy and kill Killow once and for all, but I for one never liked Tara, so we're finally even as far as I'm concerned... and besides, I liked Kennedy when she was beaten down for interrupting all the time, but that's besides the point... And as for the rest of the show? Well, Touched was a bit too much based on touchy groping for my tastes, as Anya and Xander had no lead up to their sex scene, and Faith and Wood couldn't raise my wood whatsoever... I did enjoy the return of the Mayor though, as his laugh is simply contagious. And I did enjoy Caleb's sermon to First Evil Buffy, that the rest are sinners, but she is sin... I thought it was a catchy slogan at the least. It could definitely work for Sony or Microsoft or something with E3 on the way... Overall, Touched was great, simply because of the Buffy and Spike connecting. I've always been a Spike fan, and I started watching Buffy because of Sarah Michelle Gellar, so... The episode didn't really get anywhere besides getting all characters bedside for one last hurrah before the show ends, but all that really matters to me is if an episode has a few good scenes or not... and a few good women turning all Willow bad in cotton clothing, but once again, I digress...

It only takes a few decent scenes to get me to like an episode... and the thing was, this week's episode of Enterprise, Regeneration, laid all my fears aside and had so many damn joygasm moments for me that I can proudly say that it is probably my favourite Enterprise episode yet (although Broken Bow part 1, was better done to some extent). I was apprehensive at first, that the Borg would ruin continuity by showing up on Enterprise. But now that I've seen Regeneration? I don't care what the internet says. These Borg were not Voyager Borg. There was no Borg Queen. There was no Unimatrix or Unibrow, weak collective link. And most importantly of all, there was no goddam Janeway to take on the whole damn collective... These Borg were the real deal, as the only reason they failed in their assimilation of the quadrant was because there simply was not enough time. That's what was great with Regeneration. Even without a ticking bomb timer like Faith found at the end of Touched, there was a sense of morbid dread as time trickled down in this week's Enterprise episode, because we the viewers knew the truth... given a few more days, that Warp 1.4 transport would be soaring space at Warp 9.99, with a strong enough Borg electromagnetic field to take down the entire damn Alpha Quadrant within weeks... And I mean honestly, how can a real Trekker not love an episode where the Borg cutting beam finally makes a return? How can a Trekkie not love an episode where the Borg mutate a perfectly pacifist transport into a Star Wars Corvette or some warship crap like that? And who here can't love an episode where the Borg fall prey to transporters and bombs, their age old weakness from as far back as Q Who?... The musical score to Regeneration was simply astounding as well, as it was played with an ever increasing pitch that seemed to echo the hell march to war. And thanks to all this, I was literally trembling by the end of the episode. I was literally shaking like my sound system, although that may have something to do with the fact that it's so frickin' cold in my basement, I don't know... All I know is that I absolutely loved Regeneration, almost as much as I love the Borg... as long as they're done justice... They were the reason I became a Trekkie in the first place. They were my First Contact with the Star Trek universe. And truth be told, Regeneration truly gave us the Best of Both Worlds, and now stands as my third favourite Borg show ever (behind Best of Both Worlds and Scorpion, tied with Dark Frontier, and ahead of I Borg and First Contact).

The cast all did brilliant work in this episode... well, except for Mayweather, who was as good as cloaked again that is... because I mean, even Hoshi got something to do, as she looked ever adorable with a phase pistol as she fed her first season slug to worms or whatever... Tucker didn't have much to say, but he definitely did look concerned as he worked away at those Borg circuits. Reed got to have a slap happy time, as he got to fire at anything that moved, and blow up anything that didn't, no questions asked. I also enjoyed his batting of the Tarkalean Borg on the back of the head, as I really did think that poor Red Shirt was going to be assimilated... just like Phlox had been, as the dear doctor got his third episode in a row where he got to shine, as it was plainly obvious to me the subjected yet subverted fear in his eyes when he realized he had been "infected" with the nanites. And his increasingly mechanized and monotonous voice as the nanites wore on, brought to mind the dread I first felt when Captain Picard was assimilated by Jason Stryker... or, um, as Locutus of Borg, I mean... And if there was one problem with this episode, it was that Phlox managed to win the battle against the Nanites. I accept that his immune system combined with lethal doses of omicron radiation could slow the nanites down, but destroy them? I wish the writers had claimed the destruction of the Borg transport was what saved Phlox in the end, but that's just one, small nitpick for an old school Borg fan like me... Because literally every scene in Regeneration had my jaw hanging out, salivating for more, as if I was the embodiment of Porthos as Picard is to Xavier. When Archer revealed that Cochrane did reveal the truth about First Contact, somehow, I just knew that I had been completely assimilated by this episode... and when T'Pol reminded us that Zephram was frequently intoxicated? Somehow, she did the impossible and made me almost like First Contact as a movie, because now it felt real rather than segregated like an X-man on ice... I couldn't recommend Regeneration enough to even my non-Trekkie friends, and I can't recommended it enough to you two readers out there either. It truly did regenerate in me my love for Star Trek, or at least my loathing of the Borg.

The only real complaint on the internet about this episode, is the nerdy nitpick that "why doesn't Professor Xavier Picard just look up info on the Borg from Archer's time before Best of Both Worlds?"... and there's also the fickle problem of 24th century Borg taking so damn long to adapt to primitive phase pistols on the Borg transport, even after they adapted to the guns left on Enterprise (but at least it wasn't as bad as in Best of Both Worlds part 2, when Worf and Data had seemingly unlimited shots)... but as long as you're open minded and willing enough to set these continuity issues aside, what you'll have left is an absolutely astounding, heart wretching, Blackbird suspending episode, that damn well works because we know the truth. We know what the Borg are capable of. Archer and Enterprise do not... it's a tricky premise to handle, when the crowd knows more than the crew. But when it's done right? When we know the team is walking into a trap? When we know the researchers were opening up a Pandora's Box?... it results in the best television on screen, period... and quite frankly, contrary to everything I had assumed just weeks ago, I enjoyed Regeneration more than I ever could've imagined, and far more than I ever could savour X2... until I get my second morsel of an X2 viewing however, when Hemingway vs Shakespeare can finally shift gears and ring the bell for round 2, but for the last time, I digress...

Y2kk Update: Well, if you've read any of my other websites, then you'd know that I'm finally done exams and hopefully done second year of university... It's kind of strange, actually... sort of like that strange, WB charmed, 4th DS9 Quark of a quark scientists just found, but that's besides the point... My childhood dream has never been to be an engineer, but rather to simply pass second year of engineering... that's all I ever wanted, and in a sense, that's all I'll ever need... I had heard so much hype in my youth, that the second year of engineering was absolutely the hardest year of them all, that although I now hear that third year at my university is just as Doug Gilmour killer, somehow I just don't care like I did at this very same time last year... so, well... let's keep our fingers crossed, shall we? That I'll actually be able to pass all my goddam second year courses and fulfill my sad but fruitfly-full, boyhood dream... Marks come in May 13th... my favourite number... what a date of a Splinter Cell door to pick...

I just wish I had kept my fingers crossed when I made my wish, however... Because I'm sure any NHL hockey fan out there knows that the Toronto Maple Leafs were eliminated by Philadelphia in the first bloody round of the NHL playoffs... Of course, I fully admit the better team won... but c'mon already! The Leafs have always sucked! They never deserve to win. They score by luck and luck alone, and yet miraculously, we seemed to make it to the Conference Finals almost every single year for the past five years... except this year... this year, the Leafs couldn't even get out of their parent's own basements. So as Mats Sundin would ask, Vhy? What changed?... and sadly, all voodoo things considered, I think it was me... Tweakui and Download readers here will know my tendency to "bet" my university success on the Leafs or Toronto Raptors winning or not. I mean, usually I claim I'll do decent on an exam if and only if a Toronto team wins that night, or in their playoff series... and in turn, usually I get killed on the exam, and both Toronto teams get systematically slaughtered later on in the night... So I decided to turn the tables around this time. I decided to bet my success on Philadelphia instead. I wished that if I do well on the exam, that the Philadelphia Flyers would win the playoff series, and if I did poorly like I always do?... then Philadelphia would crash and burn, just like the Maple Leafs always seem to do... And it seemed like a fair wager, wasn't it? I mean seriously, what were the chances of me actually doing well on an exam?... but, um... there was just one problem... because, um, you see... the exam that I made a bet on?...

It was my Digital Electronics exam. And the problem was... um... I got 85% on it... the best out of my entire circle of friends... although I didn't get to see my mark until long after the Leafs were massacred 6-1 or something in Game 7 of the series... so, um... well... if any Toronto fans are out there reading this (which I seriously doubt since nobody ever visits this webpage), then pick me already... I'm the scapegoat we've all been searching for, and I'm your man to beat to a bloody pulp... but before you start hunting me down with One Hour snapshots, just remember one thing:... I was doing it all for the Leafs! It's always for the Leafs!...

Anyhew, now all I have left to watch on television is the final episodes ever of my precious Buffy the Vampire Slayer... and although I can't say this week's episode, Empty Places (or was it called "Empty Spaces"?... I already forget...), was a Jewel among Pearl Jams, I can definitely say it was a decent episode that leaves me good hope for the series finale. To run down the cast, Xander wasn't in the episode a lot, but his chemistry with Willow in the first scene was simply brilliant and very reminiscent of their old school relationship in Season 3, if you asked me. I found it remarkable how Xander could still joke with a thumb for an eye, yet sound so soft and anguished as he tried to snicker about Daredevil. And the way Willow started to cry, with Xander telling her to please not start? It truly was a special moment... unfortunately, the episode as a whole lacked many of them... Spike was barely used, but he surprisingly had a lot of chemistry with Andrew. I loved his talk of cooking onion things or something, even though I wasn't very fond of Andrew through this episode... at least not the first time I watched it... The first time I went through Empty Trading Spaces, I found Andrew to be nothing but annoying... but on the second runabout, I laughed as he spelled "stake" wrong, and I giggled like Anya having sex when he underlined the break-up sex, um... line... on the big board like a big boy. I still found the hot pocket scenario feeling rather forced the second time around, but I laughed at the look that Andrew gave Faith as she finished off the meal he had dabs on... Faith put on an entertaining show as well, as always, as she seems to always do. Although sometimes I have trouble following her lingo, she somehow simply felt natural in the big break-up scene in the end, something that Giles and Dawn really couldn't achieve. Dawn's only real moment in this episode was when she hugged Xander at the homecoming (even though Buffy's house wasn't his home, per say...), and Giles did have a decent talk with Buffy about trust issues, but he really didn't do much else in this episode... his eyes did reveal all when he told Buffy that decisions have to be made in her absence, however... And Anya surprised me with the power of her lines. After being completely absent the week earlier, she managed a decent opening scene by wondering whether or not she should be at Xander's bedside or rather by the break-up sex bed's bedside, and her speech to Buffy about the slayer being "luckier" than the rest of them actually felt meaningful, and little too close of a reminder of Holden's analysis that Buffy has an inferiority complex about her superiority complex...

Although I did not enjoy Empty Trading Relations or whatever it was called as a whole because the fight scenes were rather lacking, I do admit that the episode ended up on the plus side for me, simply because of Buffy and the big break-up, non-sex scene at the end. The star of the episode was definitely Sarah Michelle Gellar, and besides that puberty thing going on with her voice, her delivery of lines was perfect. I loved her comment that the leadership thing was a popularity contest, and that she should get an opportunity to get the Potentials drunk and bake them cookies before they got a chance to vote... reminds me of real elections actually, or at least her homecoming queen thing with Cordelia... I loved her angst towards Faith, telling her she just loves taking everything away from her. I loved the tears in her eyes when she left the house, as she couldn't even pull herself to hit Faith again, as she knew it wasn't her fault. And the solemn look of guilt in her eyes every time someone mentioned Xander? Or the way she reacted when Willow admitted she wasn't defending her? It was brilliant, making Empty Laces or Empty Races or Empty Pakistan Rices or whatever the hell the episode was called, one of my favourites of the season, if only because of that final, fetal position, great scene... the real Yoko Factor, even though Spike wasn't there...

And, well... besides Buffy... and besides wrestling... and besides actually looking for a job... and awaiting virtual, visual orgasms again while in anticipation of E3... I really have nothing better to do than watch Enterprise now that school's over... and from the look of things, it seems the Enterprise writers saved the best for last. The episode from two weeks ago, The Breach, was remarkable to me, if only because the shots of the cave climbing made the caverns seem enormous, even though I really knew they were just shooting the same wall over and over again from different angles. I also enjoyed how everyone got a crack at doing something in this episode... well, except for Hoshi, of course... Mayweather got to be the hero... and the injured black guy yet again... I can't remember any of Malcolm's lines anymore, but I do remember Tucker getting real pissed at the Denubulan Scientists, which was good enough for me... too bad he didn't actually shoot them in the ass when they were climbing Spiderman style, but I digress... Archer got to play tough guy again, as he even risked war by targeting the enemy bombing raids. I forget what T'Pol got to do this episode, but even if she didn't have much, she'll always have a host of episodes in the future, not to mention she'll always have Paris... But overall, the true star of The Breach was Dr. Phlox, as he truly did get to shine for the first time since Dear Doctor... hell, they even mentioned the doctor friend in Dear Doctor this episode, if only to point out that it was finally Phlox's time again... and although I thought some scenes felt rushed (Phlox started talking about his children a little too quickly to the Antaran if you ask me), and some scenes had too many extraneous phrases to be curt and powerful (the spinning scene in the messhall with T'Pol, I mean), I did thoroughly take delight in the fact that Phlox is not perfect. He has biases, as do we all. He has prejudices, maybe even hatred, as he stormed out of Sickbay simply from some small words from the Antaran... but just like I always fear I'm racist, I end up trying my best to prove that I'm not (even if proving that I'm not racist ironically makes me racist). And it was great to see this exemplified through Phlox, who tried his best to teach his children exactly the opposite of what his grandparents taught him. John Billingsley (I hope I spelled his name right) has been said to be as great as Patrick Stewart at making any line, no matter how cheesy, seem so meaningful. And although The Breach was not a perfect episode, the right blend of the A and B plotlines mixed with Phlox's acting, resulted in one of the better Enterprise shows of the year.

Which leads me to Cogenitor, last week's episode of Enterprise. The thing is, Cogenitor should've been a great episode, as it reminds me of the great Next Generation episode, where Riker finds a woman in a race of no sexes... the thing was, I hated that TNG episode... and while I don't hate Cogenitor, I thought it's melodramatic message was a bit too preachy and a bit too annoying for my tastes. Nevertheless, I'll give the episode credit where credit is due, and quite frankly, if I did like sermonizing in shows, I would've loved Cogenitor as if I had two sexes to get in bed with... which, um, actually, we do, but that's besides the point... Mayweather and Hoshi once again sat on the sidelines, but Malcolm got to play comic relief boy this week. I loved the look on his face when that Vissian women claimed Enterprise's missiles were antiquated, but quaint. It was a great line in terms of phallic aggression, and it was a true line because... well... it seems that even modern US Patriot Missiles are better than the crap that Enterprise shoots out, but I digress... Archer didn't have anything meaningful to do until the end of the episode, but his chemistry with Tomalak, the Vissian captain, or whatever his name was truly did stand out. Both of them being pilots, and both of them being explorers, made for a hell of a ride with some amazing special effects this episode. From the wave that Archer flew through, to the orange hum of a gassy glow through the Enterprise windows, to even the touch of the Vissian quoting Shakespeare, it truly did seem like some real people bonding was going on in this episode... especially with Trip and "Charles", as the third sex member chose its name to be... like I said before, if I enjoyed sermonizing in television shows, I would've loved this episode, as I can plainly recognize the huge, moral dilemma this episode posed. It was obvious that the third sex person was being oppressed. It had no name. It had no function rather than to eat and copulate. It was a sex slave, without all the drool-worthy attention that sex slaves on earth get, but that's besides the point... and yet we all knew that Trip shouldn't have interfered. The Vissian population was only 3% congenitors, meaning that if the third sex was given the right to choose to love before mating, the Vissian population would decline to nearly the point of extinction. Not to mention the cultural ramifications of a Cogenitor possibly teaching all other Cogenitors to stand up for human rights, although I find it ridiculous that such a peaceful race of explorers would treat their own race with no rights whatsoever... Nevertheless, this contrast in the Vissians was what made this episode great in a sense: they were the nicest people Enterprise has met, yet they didn't even see the slavery right under their noses.

Which is why, when Tucker said he only did what he thought Archer would do, we the viewers all knew he was right to some extent. Archer has meddled in almost every culture he's encountered. However, Archer had screwed up enough times already to realize that he wasn't setting a proper example... And when he was talking to the engineering couple, the captain of the Enterprise even seemed to start agreeing with Tucker's point of view, but he did the only thing he could do, and that was to give the Cogenitor back to save first contact, even though abandoning a plea for asylum goes against every human right we know of... And the question remains, who was really responsible? Tucker, for doing the right thing at the wrong time? Archer, for sending the Cogenitor back to its people, even through suicide was a possibility? Or the Vissians, for not respecting the right for asylum? Or T'pol, for acting half as a jealous girlfriend to Tucker again, even when he wasn't with a woman per say, but that's besides the point... Which is why this episode was great... or would've been great, if I liked paradoxical, no win scenario messages like this episode had. But alas, this kind of stuff is just not my cup of tea. I may have liked Phlox's acting in The Breach, but in the review above, notice I didn't even mention the idea of Nazi war criminals, or even how the episode reminded me of my parent's own disdain for the Japanese from WW2... Because I prefer episodes with quaint missiles. I like episodes where the Borg invade or some crap like that...

Of course, I should be careful for what I wish for... as the Borg are coming, with a possible lack of continuity assimilated right behind them... while the Toronto Maple Leafs aren't coming anymore, and won't be until October... all thanks to me... but always remember... I'm doing this for the Federation! And I was doing this for the Leafs!... and oh, screw it... just get the IvanFian beatings over and done with as quickly as possible, okay?... because it all sounds like so much goddam fun, doesn't it?

[c. visitors too bored to return...]
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