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... thanks to the first movie, that name's now the cornerstone of cartoon cuddly and cutesy. He's the American Idol of all ages now it seems (and not the American Infidel that you'd assume an Ogre would be after LOTR... um, nevermind...)... but bah, even after buying the DVD, I still haven't become a super megafan of the first Shrek movie or any sort of crap like that. I mean, the first half of the film was filled with absolute discovery and desire, and the dragon in the castle scene that finished the first or second or whatever act up, was absolutely the most epic animated scene I've ever seen since perhaps the Lion King... but I personally thought the film bottomed out after that. I appreciated how Shrek (like Trek?... nevermind...) was trying to be a modern take on the fairy tale archetype, but I was not impressed with the sheer cheesiness of the romance at all. I prefer subtlety I suppose... along with a computer generated girl who can turn me on (like Boo in Monsters Inc!... wait, that's not right...), which Cameron Diaz's Fiona certainly did not...

I feel the same way about Shrek 2 actually. I mean, the film certainly had heart and soul. I actually did giggle like a school girl at some of the more epic romantic parts of it and stuff, like the "I Love You" engraving on the Lord of the Rings, and the ending of the film (which I'll get to later). But sadly, for most of the movie at least, while many of the gags were creative, the emotion just wasn't there... Shrek 2 in the end turned kind of like an opposite form of Shrek 1, like mirror images of Fiona, with the latter half being far superior to the first half. Some of the final scenes in the sequel definitely rank up there with perhaps even Shrek's first visit to the theme park kingdom in the first movie, but absolutely no scene captivated me the way the Dragon did a couple years ago. In that sense, I was disappointed.

I envy Shrek 2 though... it has managed to become the sheer American Icon for almost all age groups to watch and adore... Every animation studio needs just one magical film to open the market up to the rest. Disney had Beauty and the Beast and The Lion King, Pixar had the Toy Stories, and now Dreamworks' has Shrek (their Spiderman of the season, if you will)... and it's not hard to see why the film is so loved. I mean, I may have been a bit disappointed in the film, but only because I had expected far too much from all the buzzy, overglowing comments I've been hearing about the film from people I know (my brother included... me c'est still bitter...)... Some of the little jokes were amazing in the film. Puss'n'Boots had a great introduction - I was already laughing so hard at the hairball gag, even after watching it in the trailers. And the cutesy eye thing that the tiny wee cat was pulling out of his bag of tricks? It was adorable! The poor little cat in boots... But for every great joke that Puss'n'Boots pulled off, there was a whole mess of others that I simply did not find funny. I didn't even snicker at the sight of the cat ripping Shrek to shreds, and although it was creative how the cat got the Happily Ever After bottle out of the glass container, I didn't find it funny either... I was hoping for a large rivalry between the cat and Donkey, but it never really materialized. It was sort of just Happily Ever After between the two, although I really could've done without that remake rendition of the awful song I've always hated near the end...

The supporting cast of John Cleese as the King, Julie Andrews as Fiona's mother, and whoever else as the Fairy God Mother and Prince Charming all did their respective parts well, I suppose... The Queen never really did much. From her understanding of the Shrek situation right away, I knew that she had gone through a similar experience herself. I was guessing that the King had been an Ogre before (which would've been a good reason why Fiona was once part Ogre), but I suppose the real solution ended up more touching in the end... Now, John Cleese did a good job acting like he was between a rock and a hard place. I always knew the King was a good guy inside - he was just scared and ashamed of his past, that's all (aren't we all?...). But there was absolutely one thing I did not enjoy - John Cleese looks nothing like this guy! In animation, it just doesn't work to me if the actor lip-synching the words looks nothing like the character he's supposed to. And yes, somehow that also includes animals (I have no idea why Donkey actually does remind me of Eddie Murphy, or Shrek reminds me of Mike Myers... they just do...). But John Cleese's voice completely didn't suit the character I was seeing! I can't really explain why, but he bothered me throughout the movie...

The bad guys in the film were a nice twist. The Fairy Godmother being sort of like The GodFather was an interesting take on fairy tales, and one that would've worked well (if her voice suited the look of her character as well...). She wasn't menacing though, but I personally thought she was a better villain than King-whatever in the first film (though nothing can ever replace the dragon...)... I didn't enjoy many of her comedy routines though. They felt more like poutine, quite literally actually... Going off of her diet only reminded me how much I hated the Subway diet, and I'll never forgive the movie for trying to make me hungry... And I was confused. If Julie Andrews played the Queen, why did the Fairy Godmother sing the songs? Her first one was awful - it was trying to be an old skool Disney song, without having the lyrics or simple clarity to make it work. But when she sang Hero?... well, that was already when the movie was really picking up, but I'll get to that later... As for Prince Charming, the idea of the most handsome person ever being the most chauvinistic poutine in the world is definitely nothing new. His arrogance did beget more annoyances than entertainment eventually, but for the most part it worked in this film, especially when the ol' switcharoo happened later on in the film... higher level spoilers for those who dare...

Ah, the plotline of the film... this was perhaps the biggest fault of the movie... It tried to blend Meet the Parents with classic fairy tale parodies (like Pinnochio being a real boy for five seconds), but it failed in one regard: it didn't have the basic archetype of a fairy tale anymore!... I know that no fairy tale really ever had a sequel. And God knows that when Hollywood tries it (see Wizard of Oz 2 for details...), only crap ever comes out of the pie hole... Shrek 2 did its best in remaking the intagible magic of the first film. But without a set-up archetype, of rescuing the princess and falling in love, it just didn't feel like a fairy tale anymore. And maybe it wasn't trying to be?... What it was in the end, was a smart comedy, and even a smart political commentary at times. And if I wasn't expecting so much more, I could definitely appreciate that.

Like I mentioned earlier, the film started out real slowly... Now, I loved the first five minute montage in the film. Even with it being Quicktime spoiled for me on the internet, I still tapped my feet to the beat of Accidentally Falling in Love... but after that, the film accidentally falls into a predictable mess. First Shrek gets whipped into meeting the parents, then we get an annoying (though vaguely amusing) scene of "Are we there yet"s (from Donkey who strangely enough, wasn't annoying for the rest of the film to me), and then we finally got to see the land of Far Far Away (which to me, just wasn't as innovative as the kingdom in the first film was). I appreciate the parodies of Starbucks, Old Navy, and whatever else in the commercialized kingdom. I even snickered at the sight of that homeless bum shining the horses for a nickel. But eventually, as the scene wore on, the corporate parodies did too. Trying to read the reworked names of each and every store was fun at first, but too much of a good thing can be bad, especially after seeing that Far Far Away Hollywood lettering just a bit too much... And from there, the film still didn't pick up much steam. The opening bouts between Shrek and the King were just too predictable and cliche to be funny, and the arguments between Fiona and her newlywed husband I guess reminded me of my own love life a bit too much (without the love part of it, of course...). The first scene in the film that I really thought was special was when Shrek was flipping through the secret diary - the little innocent cartoon writings were probably what turned the entire movie around...

The theme of the movie, was what would you do for love? Love is compromise, and after Fiona sacrificed everything for Shrek in the first film, it was touching that he would finally do the same... Now, the next few scenes in the film didn't grab me either. I didn't snicker at the "Pretty Woman" fairy tale comment, I didn't really enjoy the factory scenes (felt like a bad try at rekindling the wrestling scenes from the first movie), and I must admit, Shrek really is ridiculously ugly as a human (and now Mike Myers voice no longer matched the character he was playing...)... But you see? Even though I couldn't stand Shrek's face anymore, that's when the movie finally did start turning great... It was smart how Prince Charming tried to pass himself off as the new Shrek. And Princess Fiona screaming at her old beautiful self in the mirror was a nice touch as well... It was beautifully touching how Shrek was willing to let Fiona go, just so that she could be happy - it may not have been the best decision, but it was one of true love indeed... And then came absolutely the funniest parts of the movie: the trinity of parodies. The Cops spin-off was utterly brilliant! Who would've thought cat-nip could be so damn hilarious? And the Mission Impossible music blaring in the background of the jailbreak escape made it just as memorable as even the Knights scene in my eyes... And the massive, Monsters Inc Gingerbread Man playing the Marshmallow man? Oh, not the gumdrop button!... Starting from the Knights show, Shrek really did take off. And the rendition of "Hero" was amazingly smart as well. It not only made the rescue scene far more climatic and dramatic than it ever would've been, it not only made the cheesy dancing more than tolerable, but it was actually appropriately fitting to the entire feel of the movie as well. It blended perfectly with the scenes of milk being poured onto the poor Gingerbread Man (noo! Stop making me hungry!...), it trolloped masterfully with superstud Donkey galloping through the castle, and goddammit, the song even made sense! Not only was the song about heroes, not only was it about doing anything for love, but dammit, it made the movie a brilliant parody of The Bodyguard in the end! At last! A cheesy song that actually worked, and worked wonders! Yes, it had me at hello... a hello halfway through the movie, but a hello nonetheless...

As for the ending, I did smile like a Japanese school girl when Fiona predictably chose to turn back into an Ogre. I mean, she made sacrifices for Shrek last film around - she only wanted to know that Shrek would do the same, and he proved it... Now, I could've done without that awful Livin' La-whatever Loca song near the end, though the donkey-dragons were mutantly adorable... and I admit that I was happy, that Shrek was happy, for being an Ogre again, for knowing who his true love is, and for having the blessing of the father finally (and it only took a couple of assassination attempts to do it! Not half bad... wish I was there...)... but alas, there was just one minute problem for me though... you see, Fiona looked horribly disfigured as a human in the first film, and Cameron Diaz's voice never really matched the look of her Ogre self as well. But I guess animation has really come a long way or something, because, umm... human Fiona in Shrek 2 was kind of... umm... hot?... I guess I have a thing for freckles... and she even matched Diaz's voice perfectly?... sniff sniff... I was actually sort of sad to see her go this time... she really had me at hello...

In the end, Shrek 2 was insanely funny during the parody moments. From the Lord of the Rings, to Cops, to even Ghostbusters, this film was ridiculously funny every time it ridiculed another film... but where the film falters is it's desperate attempts to try to recreate the mood and atmosphere of a fairy tale, which even I admit the first film did extremely well... Like I reiterated before, Shrek 2 is a fine addition to the soon-to-be-four member family of Shreks. It has a brilliantly woven ending, and a nice fairy tale take on the all-too-familiar Meet the Parents scenario, which I assume most teenagers and adults can relate to far more than I and my long lost love life ever could... and if only they made an entire film out of catnip, I don't think I could ever be more happy... or high, but that's a story for another day...

But ultimately, while I know I should love Shrek 2 (and ultimately probably will), for now all I know is that I was disappointed in the film, just like I was disappointed with the latter half of the first movie... but I know, I know - review the movie for what it is, and not what you wanted it to be... and what it is, is a brilliant comedy with touching scenes and one hell of soundtrack...

I mean, to Shrek's credit, I remember not enjoying Finding Nemo much at first either. It was a disappointment to me compared to Toy Story and Monsters Inc, and I remember writing about my bitter disgrace after coming out of the theatres... but after watching the fishy-feeling film a second time around, and after loving it a third time around, I remembered just why I love animated films so much in the first place. Because the best of them just have an inherent charm, the likes of which I rarely understand until I watch and watch and game and rewatch the film all over again, and realize that I just never got bored... I just never lose the feeling that I got from the time I watched it the film, no matter how old and jaded I get...

And I'm hoping that Shrek 2 will be the same, in that retrospect at least. Afterall, it was a great film - flawed, but great... and here's hoping that two years down the road, it'll be even a greater film in my eyes... and in those adorable eyes-wide-shut of poor Puss'n'Boots too...

... awh... I wanna keep him!... and I probably will... because I'll definitely still buy this movie in the future, despite my initial apprehensions...

Y2kk Update: - Alias: Season Finale, Enterprise: Zero Hour Reviews (Spoilers) -

Television is over, at least until Stargate returns in July. Which means what for me?... which means besides the occasional movie review, and besides whatever ancient gaming reviews I can push myself to finally write out of boredom (Crystal Chronicles, I'm talking to you...), I've really got nothing to do with this noname site of mine. Sure, it'll be nice and crowded again at noname.mycrowsoft.com once I have both Stargate and Atlantis episodes to write about, but what about until then? I do have a couple articles that I didn't write last year that I still want to get off my chest this year, but chances are, I'll forever be too goddam lazy to even start on those, let alone finish... So honestly, what is there to do with me? I have no goddam job yet, and goddammit, I'm even starting to watch goddam reality TV for baby Jesus' Christ's sakes! That's how goddam low I've sunk to over the past couple weeks... Hell, I even felt bad that Diana didn't win American Idol season 3, if only because I wouldn't get to read all about the racist backlash in the news about Fantasia biting the dust...

Desperate times call for desperate measures, the cliche seems to say. And even though I hate the show Alias with the most garnishing of passions, I must admit that yes, I am an AA... an Alias Anonymous so to speak, considering I rarely ever like to admit that I even know what the show is about... Because yes, after watching the season finale last year (one of the worst episodes I've ever seen in a show to date), I started watching Alias every single freakin' week this year, for absolutely no apparent reason whatsoever... and of course, the weekend of this year's season finale was no exception, if only because I had absolutely nothing better to do with myself...

I don't even remember the name of that god-forsaken episode that aired last Sunday, but I do remember one thing: the show absolutely sucked. It even makes Smallville look huge in comparison, because yes, size does matter... As the main plot, you had Lauren pulling a Mission Impossible by impossibly gaining an inch of height or something by just putting on a goddam paper or plastic mask. I admit, the destruction of the CIA was decent, although maybe security at the offices might help if you force each employee to speak outloud a keyword while typing in a password or some crap like that? Sometimes the oldies are always the goodies... The rest of the episode was just plain awful though. Evil Vaughn did his MWAHAHA thing and of course didn't kill Lauren until it was too damn late. Lauren herself probably isn't even dead - if the Francinator could take an entire clip last year and keep on ticking, six shots from a puny handgun ain't going to take everyone's favourite Charmed Valkyrie out... Most of Sydney's plot was just an abhoration, if there is such a word. First she tries to talk nice to Vaughn, then she turns into a vengeful bitch, then she pulls a Mission Impossible herself, and then goes MIA. Her showdown with the Russian sister of her mother was just downright anti-climatic, and her fight with Lauren reminded me why Jennifer Garnered garnered no favour from me in Daredevil... And the ending? I didn't even care for the ending. Cliffhangers are great in shows where you don't expect them, but in Alias, where every single episode is a cliffhanger?... I don't know what those black light documents shedded light on in the end. I suspect that her father might actually be in league with his former wife then, maybe as the heads of the Covenant, but do I really know? Do I really care?... the episode was a snooze fest, complete with the absolute least romantic get-back-together for any two actors who used to have a fling. First he shoots the ex-wife, then he kisses the mistress, then he shoots the ex-wife some more before wanting to shoot the old girlfriend in the bed... I mean, WTF?... Unlike Smallville even, there hasn't been a single episode of Alias that I've enjoyed. And considering even Charmed had a good season finale, that's pretty damn bad for Alias... I thought season two's finale was bad enough, but honestly?... Jennifer Garner may be America's new sweetheart, but Alias and Sydney Bristow sure as hell don't deserve to be...

This season of television had a whole crapload of cliffhangers: Smallville, Alias, and even Angel to some extent... I never expected a cliffhanger from Enterprise though. Which kind of sounds ridiculous to say, considering both of the past two season finales have been cliffhangers themselves... I guess I still have that old school, "safe" Star Trek feeling or something. Even after great cliffhanger episodes like Best of Both worlds, Favour the Bold, and Scorpion, I still haven't learned my lessons, now have I?...

Enterprise's season finale, Zero Hour, had all the potential makings and mark-ups of a tried and tested true Star Trek classic. The whole Xindi arc had led up to this one pivotal moment alone, and I expected nothing but the best from this episode, especially considering Enterprise's $230 million annual budget... the best of both worlds, at least... but I didn't exactly get that. Because just like with most Star Trek second parters (with Best of Both Worlds being the only exception), the finishing half of a brilliant arc is always ruined by some sort of lacky, lacking writing...

Zero Hour's strongest point was definitely the varied use of each and every character on the show. Hoshi got to have the expected mental breakdown, and it contrasted nicely with how ruthless Archer was being in the bedroom with her (does that sound good?...)... Mayweather screamed out, "ME TOO", just a bit too loudly, as if he wanted to make sure he actually got heard this episode. He didn't have many lines, but he definitely was always in the midst of the action, piloting the shuttlepod down to earth and everything... Phlox got to do more technobabble this episode than I can ever remember him doing before. It did irk me that he just stood up and somehow magically pulled out of his ass "rotating frequencies" to drive the Sphere Builders away, but it was all made up for by his quacky sense of humour during the emergency. I loved his "don't scratch it" comment about Tucker's skin, and his cliche yet heart-pounding countdown was really effective in creating a tense atmosphere to the episode, if you ask me that is... And Reed didn't get many lines, but he got to kick ass and truly take names. The stunt devil who did that Buffy-style double kick from the ceiling completely didn't look like Keating though, but the smug look on Dominic's face when he was pulling endless amounts of remote explosives out of his pockets and ass was pure Reed all the way (he probably keeps them there and more places all the time...)... and Archer was his usual "Airlock Archer" self, I suppose. He pushed Hoshi to do the right thing, and I could almost see some chemistry between the two, if he wasn't old enough to be her father at least... I didn't particularly enjoy his acting with Daniels this time around though, unlike in Azati Prime. Archer was simply too ignorant of the Federation that we all care about, and it kind of felt odd that his temper was interfering with the celebrated canon announcement of which races were at the Federation founding... For the rest of the episode though, Archer was pretty spot on. Scott Bakula played the driven man as well as he could, showing concern for Hoshi, while doing the Kirk-captain thing and making sure that he's the one to go down with the Xindi weapon, not any of the people he cared about. In that sense, his talk with Daniels was spot on - if I were a captain, I might refuse to send one of them to their death just to spare my own life, although I suppose sending them to their death is the decision any smart and logical captain should make...

The real stars of the episode to me were Trip and T'Pol to me though... as always, it seems... I mean, this is honestly a first for me - I'm actually oohing and awhing along with the 'shippers' on the net! Jolene Blalock's shakiness when talking about Vulcan in peril really reminded me of the threat the galaxy was facing (and almost made me forget that the threat was 400 years away, and not immediate as the episode tried to make it)... I loved Trip's comment to T'Pol later on, about looking like an old oil painting. I snicker like a giddy school girl every time he teases her like that. And I loved her reaction - she finally confided in him her age, and it really had meaning, considering we the viewers have been waiting three years for the news as well... Zero Hour had a lot of little touches like that actually, instilling nostalgia into those who were with the show right from the start. From Dr. Phlox's letter of jubilant grief to Dr. Lucas, to T'Pol petting Porthos for the first time, despite all the things she said about dogs over the years... well... the episode had a lot of sentimental value to it, that's all. And that's really how the episode shines.

Where it doesn't shine however, is the actual plotline... Now, I loved the scenes in the Expanse against the Sphere. The countdown along with the amazing skin makeup and the fancy camera colours, really made a cliche scene feel tense and exciting to watch. I loved the Sphere Builders using their force energies to whip fireballs through walls - sure, the Sphere Builders didn't achieve anything, but they looked rather menacing as they were quite literally churning apart the ship like butter... And Trip's one-liner, "it sure is", when the deflector pulse was finally done? Not only did it lead to an amazingly creative effect of the Spheres collapsing back into their realm, but his timing worked perfectly with the "time's up" from the doctor just a moment sooner... But while the scenes on the Enterprise felt grave, I was sadly bored to tears with what was happening back near earth... I mean, what the hell was wrong with the MACOs? Two of them were missing in action, and the other got his ass kicked after doing the slowest ever martial arts I've seen outside of Riker ville. And the whole overload thing? It just felt so anticlimatic to have the finale have Hoshi read out a rod order, when it would've been much easier just to beam a nuclear bomb onto the damn Xindi weapon... The only redeeming quality of the episode was Commander Dolim's death. I was complaining about how slowly Archer was getting his ass kicked at first, but the smug look on his face after he planted the bomb on the Reptile's back definitely made it all up... well, not for everything in the episode I suppose... Because honestly, what the hell was wrong with earth? There were no ships in orbit to defend the planet, even after 20 minutes of the weapon just sitting there? There were no space stations, no satellites, no ICBMs on earth? The only help earth got was from Shran, who had one boring dogfight with the Reptillian ship, compared to the events of Countdown at least?... Some of Shran's one-liners were simple yet great, but when the action around earth is so dull? I don't know then... I'm almost wishing that... I'm almost wishing that the ending holds the key as to why the hell earth sucked so much...

... At first, I hated the ending. I mean, it came right out of left field - I never saw it coming. It was surreal, like the Planet of the Apes remake (which had an ending similar to the original novel's, I've heard...)... It didn't make sense at first, until I took a closer look at the alien behind the mask... and I know there's a few differences between this thing and a Reman (skin and eye colours) - hell, it looks more like a cousin or a reject of the Master Vampire from Buffy season one... but still, I swear it looks too much like a Reman to ignore. And I'd be very happy with this ending if it leads into the Romulan conflicts that we all know are bound to happen by season five... but we won't know for quite a few months, now will we? For now, I can just be happy and reasonably entertained with the wildfire responses on the net. Because for the first time since Azati Prime, I actually was interested enough in the future of the show to actually check the Star Trek Enterprise forums... and truth be told? The outrageous reactions to an outrageous ending were worth the price of admission alone... Hell, StarTrek.com going offline from all the traffic was worth the effort alone...

... sniff sniff... I'm going to miss Enterprise this summer. It had one hell of a season - definitely the best that the writers have put out since Deep Space 9 last left the airwaves anyhew... I loved how Trip and T'Pol are slowly falling in love - it's the first romance I've ever cared about since Riker and Troi (or Buffy and Spike, if you include other shows...). I loved how Archer had to make the tough decisions - he truly is growing into a worthy precursor to Kirk... and after the wackjob ending to Zero Hour? People can hate the show all they want, but there's no longer any doubt that this show is meant to follow in The Original Series' footsteps. Only the 60s could ever come up with insane ideas like alien nazis taking the captain hostage... or the young 66s actually, on her next birthday...

So here's to Enterprise's third birthday. Here's to another great season... I think I speak for everyone when I say, "engage"...

Y2kk Update: - Charmed: Bad Bad World, Smallville: Covenant, Angel: Not Fade Away, Enterprise: Countdown Reviews (Spoilers) -

This was supposed to be my Shrek 2 review, here and now. And obviously, from the sound of my voice (if I had a voice online that is...), I'm still quite bitter that I didn't get to see the movie yesterday on the day it premiered. Now I don't know when I'm going to see it... Then again, maybe it's for the best that I won't have to waste my money on yet another movie that I'll probably end up harping on rather than humping on in the end? I mean, I didn't really enjoy the first Shrek except for the Dragon-Castle scene, although that was partly due to the fact that nothing could ever replace the Toy Story's in my eyes, not even Pixar's later efforts... And judging from my few movie reviews of the year so far, it's not like Hollywood has had a great track record for 2004 so far. It seems to be that the only movies I ever truly enjoy are the ones I catch on DVD: Gladiator, Saving Private Ryan, Galaxy Quest, and The Last Samurai... In fact, I think the only two movies that surprised me with their quality in the theatres since the incarnation of DVD were One Hour Photo and Terminator 3, and thanks to my overly positive T3 review, I'm still getting flack from one of my friends at university... It's a rare occasion when a movie in the theatres ever exceeds my expectations, and I guess I do go a bit overboard with my overwhelming positivity when such a thing ever occurs...

But for television on the other hand, my expectations do get wildly exceeded from time to time, so I don't normally go all happy, happy, happy, joy-joy world when an episode actually catches my eyes and heart... So sorry for Charmed season finale then, because in a sense, it deserves to be praised like a goddess. I mean, I was positively shocked!... I've now watched every season of Charmed since Paige joined the cast, and I can honestly say that last week's season finale, "It's a Bad, Bad, Bad World", was absolutely the only GOOD episode I've ever witnessed from the entire show!.. Now obviously, it wasn't a perfect episode or anything. The first half of the two hour finale had me rolling my eyes at times, with Chris still being an idiot at actually believing Witch Wars were after Wyatt, and with the never-properly-explained strained relationship between Leo and his future son suddenly have disappeared in a puff of smoke... And of course, there was the evil world. The fight between Paige, Phoebe, and their evil twins was just downright bad, even by Charmed standards. The evil Chris and Leo looked quite ridiculous with their hair and out-of-place acting (although the girly forums did seem to love their new looks...). And the evil world itself just wasn't evil enough! I mean, there was crime and poverty and helplessness, but the majority of people still looked docile and decent in the background (and not the exact opposite of our world)... But I still snickered once or twice in that first hour, especially at Barbas, "the demon of hope" (clever!). And for what it's worth, I preferred evil Gideon to our already evil Gideon. Both may have been stupid in taking on Wyatt alone, and ended up being just as embarrassing as the show when their asses got bitch slapped, but at least both played the part of the villain alright...

But the second half of the story? The second half?... Oh my God, they killed Chris! The bastards!... maybe because of just me and my goddam university situation right now, but I almost cried at Chris' death! Honestly... The look on Paige's face didn't just fade off of me like normal television deaths do. The anger in Leo's Star Wars Emperor moment was actually quite appropriate to me rather than just embarrassing... And the whole happy, happy, happy world that was created was actually funny to watch, because it was actually meant to be embarrassing (in a good way at least, not like the normal embarrassment the show normally is). You could even see that Phoebe and Paige were having fun acting like idiots, and who would've known that Piper would love green peas?... and little Wyatt in the underworld? It was adorable how he smirked on cue when Gideon mentioned that Wyatt was acting cocky. And Gideon's end was obviously expected, but actually was quite poignant as well. We knew that Wyatt would survive, but the question was, would he turn evil?... and who really knows? Did he see Leo exacting vengeance? Did Barbas show him something in that brief moment that the demon appeared?... and the ending was paradoxically enticing as well. One moment, Chris was dead and I was seriously mourning his loss. And the next, his baby self was born, and I kept wondering to myself whether Leo would spoil the moment by telling Piper the truth of what happened... I guess that's the great thing about this episode. It left things open for us to interpret (in a satisfying way... unlike Smallville, but I'll get into that in a second). Was Wyatt saved? Why did Chris vanish? Perhaps the future was saved, and therefore Chris never came back to the past? Who knows?... all I know, is that for the first time in the entire history of Charmed, an episode was absolutely the exact opposite of a Bad, Bad, Bad show... and almost gave me hope that the WB evil executives were smart in renewing Charmed for a seventh season... until I remembered how damn bad the show normally is, that is...

And speaking of horrible shows?... Ah, yes, Smallville's season finale, Covenant, aired just yesterday on the WB... Don't you just love the WB?... They shaft Angel, but give the thumbs up to horrible shows like Smallville and Charmed in the process (although I can forgive Smallville, since it does feature Superman)... And how exactly was the season finale of Smallville?...

"Oh dear God... I see the series ended the season the exact same way it started. By putting me through an entire hour of ridiculous pain... First it was 'old man Kent can now kick Smallville ass... Wasupwidat?!?'... Now we have Kara kissing ass and taking names... Goddammit, why can't it be Enterprise kicking Smallville's ass? WHY CAN'T IT BE ENTERPRISE?! Wasupwidat?"...

Anyhew, Covenant was quite a letdown to me. After a string of (I hate to admit this, but) decent if not excellent Smallville episodes, Covenant just reminded me of all the same reasons why I loathed this show for kicking Enterprise's ass last year... First of all, let's get to the no-name characters... Pete wasn't in the episode. I mean, his five meaningless minutes of air time last episode was actually his send-off from the show? WTF?... And Chloe? Umm, considering I checked and I know she's coming back to the show next year, I don't exactly understand how she could get blown up and survive (unless there's a big reset button next season, that is). And it's kind of funny actually - the moment we finally meet her dad, is the moment he gets blown to smithereens... And Lana? Oh dear God, what have they done to your hair?! And the acting? My God, the acting was atrocious! I mean, I've said it before and I'll say it again - I literally bitch slap myself in the face every single goddam time Clark just lies to her face. And I don't even bitch slap myself in a good way! No siree. Instead, the show just feels stupider and stupider every damn time Clark is alone with Lana and lies about how he feels, or drops the goddam cliche rose that he was meant to give her before she left. But at least one good thing turned out from this whole charade - at least I got the biggest laugh of the entire episode when Clark was too damn thick to even remember he was supposed to chauffeur Lana to airport. And at least a possible Clark-Lana-Lex love triangle might be in the works for next season... Now, how about the Kents? Martha just whined about her husband's pact with Jor'el. She didn't have any of the charm and motherly wit this episode that she normally shows, although I guess that was sort of the point... And as for Jonathan Kent? Finally, his deal with the devil was revealed, and it turned out to be exactly the one I guessed at the start of the season. It was at least sort of powerful how he tried to save Clark at the end though... but alas, the horrible special effects felt like they were strangling me more than they were strangling Clark's father, but I digress...

Okay, now for the plot: it was dumb, plain and stupid (although at least it wasn't as dumb as last season's finale)... You have Kara from Krypton hiding in a wall for 14 years or something, to bring Clark back to Jor'el by "choice" (which Jor'el could've done anytime by torturing the Kents), only to realize before her disintegration that she was once human. Now, I give the actress props for acting quite evil - she took out that FBI agent without much mercy (although it was just plain dumb that Clark didn't show up on time to stop her). But I don't know - maybe this was intended, but she felt like a robot whenever she spoke out her lines like an automaton, as if she was reading memorized cue cards in her head or some crap like that. The twist at the end of the episode, about how Jor'el erased her memory and used her, was actually quite surprising. But it can't make up for her lack of chemistry with Clark. Kara had a nice body and wore nice clothes, but the face and acting just didn't work, especially in that Lois-&-Clark-quality flying shot... Clark Kent himself did the best job he could in those scenes, although he looked more uncomfortable with Kara than I think even the script was meant to convey. But he did have strong scenes with Lex once again, first with the Luthor mansion's own wall of weird, and second in the courthouse that "oddly" looked identical to Vancouver's Union Station... And for once, I actually was pleasantly surprised with Clark's behaviour! He actually showed up for the hearing, instead of just abandoning the friend who betrayed him like Clark normally would do on his PMSey days. And it set up a great story arc for next season too - the ruins of Lex's and Clark's friendship can definitely pit them against each other as enemies. But just when this episode was finally showing some potential, Clark then went dumbass all over again, deciding to leave for Jor'el's happier place and completely abandoning his parents in the process. I mean, he ran away last year and made things worse - does this boy ever goddam learn?... Now, I was going to say that the only real positive of this episode was the Lex and Lionel family feud once again. It was both shocking and heartbreaking for Lex to not even care about his father's deathly condition, but rather feared him more because a dying man has nothing to lose. But then came along the horrible ending to the season... I mean, I can appreciate cliff hangers, as long as they come with Cliff Notes. But unless fucking time travel is involved, or unless some clever camera tricks were involved, tell me how Chloe getting blown up and Lex getting poisoned can actually work out in the end?... The ending was trying to be smart. But in the end, it was just pointless and frustrating. If you're going to leave us guessing, then at least give us a situation where we can actually "guess" at the future outcome, without having to reduce ourselves to sheer ridiculous conjectures for an entire summer...

Either way, Angel takes the best episode of the week award. Not Fade Away was a solid show, though definitely not the series' finest moment, nor was it even the season's finest moment. The main problem with the episode was that it definitely felt rushed. I mean, take the Connor and Angel coffee scene for example - the quick cut at the end of Connor's comment about Angel's girly handwriting, definitely showed that words were replaced in favour of Eve pacing around the office for some odd reason... Now, the pacing was overall pretty bad in all retrospects in the episode, but the coffee scene was definitely the one that I'd complain about the most. And why? Because it was absolutely the most interesting scene in the entire episode. Not Fade Away was trying to give props and air time to every character on the show, but it came at the expense of the most powerful scene in the entire hour... but rounding off the characters before I get to the plot...

First of all, Gunn. He spent his perfect day back in the hood with Anne from Buffy season 3. Which was odd actually... It was nice to see how Buffy had saved this girl in more ways than one. In a sense, it brought things full circle. But the moment was ruined by Gunn's awkward 'Illuminati' comment (which is pretty much what the Black Circle represents). And unfortunately, Gunn really didn't have any other memorable lines in the episode. I will say that he showed spunk in the scene behind the Hyperion's alleyway though. He was dying from a vampire wound, but he was still huffing and puffing away at the "30 000 on the left". It made me remember the best moments of Gunn from the past, and that's gotta be worth something... Lorne's perfect day was predictable, singing at a karaoke bar like he used to own. And I get what this story was supposed to convey for him - that he's a tragic figure, a naive Pylean who came to our world hoping to escape a harsh warrior life, only to turn into a cold blooded murderer in the end. Andy's acting definitely portrayed that well... Unfortunately, like I stated in earlier reviews, this is not what I wanted to see from our "demon clown". Lorne is best at cheering up the room, and unfortunately, his tragic ending didn't feel tragic because of it - it just felt hollow, I guess because we never really noticed his downfall from neutrality until this middle of this season. It felt tacked on to the true Lorne, I suppose. He's just no fun as a maniac depressive... And except for the possibility that Lorne knew all along after hearing Lindsay and Eve sing, that he would be the one to kill Lindsay (paradox - did reading them make him kill Lindsay in the end?...), I didn't really care for his fall from naivete at all. It wasn't integral to the season, so it didn't feel integral to this episode either, although his "Goodnight, folks" ender line did feel appropriate... And Lindsay? He was a strange character this episode. He didn't have the Texan fire we all know him for. He just kissed Eve, trusted the Angel trusted him with the fight, and then got shot. It was appropriate that he would be pissed that Angel wasn't the one who technically killed him in the end, and it did get me wondering how far Angel has sunk into the darkness if he was willing to lie to Lindsay just to kill him in the end... But overall? Lindsay was in the episode as a token figure, but he was there for all his past work on the show. He didn't do much, but nevertheless, he did deserve to be there. Although we seriously could've used more Connor scenes than just Eve pacing around the offices...

Connor himself only had a scene or two, but like I already said, his chemistry with Angel was undeniable. Connor admitting full-out that he was grateful for what his father did for him was powerful, and his return to the Wolfram and Hart Offices (because he aptly figured the world was ending) didn't just supply a nice sense of closure to the Angel/son arc, but also provided some pretty damn good comic relief as well. And I personally like to think that the W&H offices rumbling at the end were due to the senior partners of the WB, with Connor leaving to live for another day on a hopeful spin-off show, actually. He proved himself that he belonged on the show this season more than the last, and considering he was in just two episodes? That's saying a lot... Wesley and Illyria were inseparable this episode, and to be honest, they were kind of choking me up with their cheesiness. I snickered at some of Illyria's "inspirational" moments, but overall, Wesley and his speechifying of truth and lies was more roll-of-the-eyes quality than deep and meaningful. But what shocked me this episode was how powerful Wesley's death was... I wasn't going to shed a tear or anything, considering Wesley just looked so damn unnecessarily giddy at seeing Fred's face again. But Fred herself, with the face of an angel? Her tears were just so damn beautiful to me, that I couldn't help but feel terrible for her - for both Fred and Illyria, I mean. It was somehow brilliant acting, in the sense that you could see BOTH Fred and Illyria mourning in that one scene alone. Maybe I'm just seeing things, but somehow I saw that, the duality of it all, and it moved me, before moving mountains... And Spike? I loved his perfect day. He truly is a horrible poet, but I sure as hell would've given him a standing ovation for his "glimmering gleam" and "effulgent" lines from the good ol' days. I was disappointed in the end though - he went out fighting and saving a baby, but he really felt like he was in the background this episode. He served his purpose of comic relief, but he didn't serve his purpose of being a hero, it seemed... sniff sniff, I'm going to miss him though... I'm not going to miss Harmony, although she did get a good send-off this episode. I was thankful that she turned out to be evil in the end - even without a soul, she'd been acting nicer than Spike ever had with one. And the letter of recommendation on her desk was hilarious, although I admit it did seem to take up too much time away from the Connor scenes... And the villains? The Archduke should stay on Star Trek - he just wasn't menacing without the Dominion... Hamilton was cocky, and I loved how his suit never got ruffled, no matter what Angel tried. He provided some good comic relief with his taunting of Angel, but in the end, he wasn't much of a memorable character (although at least he was worlds better than Caleb was on Buffy)... All the minor Circle members felt worthless. The Fell Brethren, Izzy, the Senator, and whoever Lindsay killed just felt too damn weak to feel like major players in the Apocalypse. Sure, Angel mentioned that together they would've been powerful, but I just didn't get a sense of danger from any of them whatsoever... Except for Cyvus Vail of course. He was the only great villain Angel introduced this season, and he showed it in his battle with Wesley. It's just too bad he didn't have a fair fight with Illyria... instead, he let his head get imploded from a "little girl" (the hottest girl in the world if you ask me, but I digress...)...

All the characters played pivotal roles, but Angel obviously shined the brightest. I've already praised the coffee scene with Connor enough times, but I haven't mentioned the look on his face when he was told to sign away the Shanshu prophecy in blood. His talk of forgetting what it's like to be human - it was kind of ironic that signing away his chance at being human, made him sound more human in the process... And Angel definitely had a good fight with Hamilton. It wasn't the best battle in the series, but all the taunting and the comebacks definitely did make it feel like one of the liveliest. And the final scene of the series, with all the cast members (sans Wesley) standing tall in the alleyway, reading to slay the dragon and the orcish army? I was a bit miffed at the eternal cliffhanger given to us at the end, but in a sense, it made sense... The show is over. The characters can either live or die, depending on our imaginations. I would've preferred a definite answer, but that would've ruined what the entire season has been about... That's what Not Fade Away executed so well. It definitely had the "Armageddon" type of apocalypse feeling to it, in a good way that is, with the perfect last day formula or whatever. These people knew they were going to die. They knew it wasn't a "fairy tale" - they knew there wouldn't be a happy ending. But the series has never been about happy endings... The season has been about never giving up, no matter whether you can win or lose. And in that sense, Not Fade Away shall not fade away in memory for a very long time. Sure, killing the Circle seems pointless to us, since we accept the world as it is. But if the characters all die, then they die as heroes. That was the meaning of the show back in season one, and it was nice to realize it was still the ending bookmark to the final chapter in a great, thought-provoking series. Angel has always been about the characters and what it means to be a champion, and it's good to know that some things just never fade away.

Was Not Fade Away truly episode of the week quality? Not exactly. The pacing was off, the dialogue lacked enough humour, and I can't say the cliffhanger status at the end gets top notch marks from me... But the series itself deserves all the credit and praise it can get. It was a damn shame that WB canceled the show when it was still in its prime... And it was a damn embarrassment that WB did that whole fucking "Thanks from your Friends at WB" montage at the end of the episode, even after ignoring the entire Save Angel campaign over the year... Angel didn't deserve to die, not in the episode and definitely not as a series. I will miss the Mutant Enemy universe... I will miss the coffees... I will miss Angel's furrowed brow... and I will miss dreaming of darling Amy Acker... oh, if only...

As great as Angel was, to be honest... if it wasn't for the sentimental fact that this week was its series finale, I probably would've given the best episode of the week award to Enterprise... This week's episode, Countdown, had a pretty crappy first act, but made up for it with two amazing acts after that. Rounding off the characters... Hoshi finally got some air time! WOOHOO! Brainwashed Hoshi for life!!!... Although, um, I don't think the Linda Park would've been completely happy with either a) making zombie grunting noises all episode, or b) lying unconscious in sickbay for the rest of the time... but eh, oh well, AOL, you take what you can... Her squealing and struggling were VERY poorly done at the start of the episode though. She didn't even look like she was trying to resist. But she made up for it with that orgasmic scream of hers - she really is Hoshi the Hottie, you know... and at least her sptting and not-very-successful suicide attempt got her high marks for her high marks... Though alas, while Hoshi finally got air time, Mayweather didn't. Good for him. Back on track, I see... Trip and T'Pol sort of got a back seat in this episode, but dammit, they had me at "Trip"!... if that sounds good, that is... Finally the two started getting along with each other, as evident from that "you may buy me a drink" joke that T'Pol pulled on Trip that dinner. And personally? That dinner between the threesome on Enterprise definitely reminded me of the best of the first two seasons. Archer's lame attempts at being social, Trip being optimistic again about seeing earth, and T'Pol once again getting annoyed at her companions' 'humanity' definitely proved itself to be a nice contrast to the rest of the dark edged, double sworded season. The whole scene had a very ominous feeling to it as well, sort of like a last meal so to speak... Phlox didn't do anything memorable, but he played the role of the good doctor to perfection, arguing in a very believable manner to save Hoshi's life... And Reed? Malcolm may not be the best at the emotional stuff (I sort of laughed at his callousness while Major Hayes was dying), but it was nice how his plotline with the MACOs was finally brought full circle. Although Major Hayes' death wasn't very touching (although I didn't predict it for some odd reason... what's wrong with me?), the scene in the Armory afterwards made up for it. For the first half of the season, it had felt like Reed was being ignored. In the end though, he didn't just help the MACOs feel like part of Enterprise, but he came to grips with his military past and perhaps became one with the MACOs as well. And who knows? Maybe one with the force. Afterall, he does have the Obi Wan accent... sort of... His speech about Hawkins being his "responsibility" rang true, and it's speeches like this that make the Xindi arc and a new season worth fighting for.

Archer unfortunately wasn't his best this episode. He got some boring scenes with the Aquatic Xindi, and it's not like he had any brilliant tactics for taking on the Xindi weapon. But he showed great captaincy and conviction in his argument against the doctor at the end of the episode, and like I mentioned before, he played a nice second fiddle to Trip in the dinner scene. For the first time in a long time, their friendship really shone... But the real winner of Countdown was the brilliant battle and special effects. I mean damn, how the hell did the Aquatics build a ship that damn big? It looked at least as large as a D'eridex Warbird. Then again, they built the Xindi weapon, so... And the special effects of the Xindi ships being ripped to shreds by the Anomalies? They were some of the most unique and compelling CG graphics I have seen all year, movies included... Sure, I can complain that the five Xindi species and their personalities go too much hand in hand with their looks (and the designs of their ships), as if the series was stereotyping or something. But while that may not sound like good "Star Trek", it definitely provides for good television in my opinion, as the Arboreals and Xindi primates do seem wise, and the Insectoids even turned their opinion around 180 degrees in the end like their heads... The real highlight of the night was the intervention of the Sphere builders though. If they could create suffocating anomalies like that at will, why didn't they just destroy Archer long time ago? Their Spheres are massive weapons, and although I would've liked confirmation of this from other than the Insectoids, it was nice that the Xindi were finally shown real "proof" that perhaps the Guardians are not on their side. And now we have a story split with Trip and T'Pol getting ready to destroy the entire sphere network, with a touching comment of T'Pol having to "watch over" him... It would've been more idyllic if they were going up against "Sphere 31" though. Then at least the internet might think up as many links as it can to Section 31... but still... While Countdown wasn't the greatest of episodes, it provided a great countdown to what I sincerely hope will be a stellar season finale (NOT a series finale! Enterpise has been renewed! Finally! Yahoo.ca!... although on Fridays, unfortunately...). And dammit, Countdown has brainwashed Hoshi!

... although... sniff sniff... I will miss Angel... at least I now have Enterprise - I'm not just stuck with goddam Charmed and Smallville, but... Goddammit! Damn you, 'friends at WB'... damn you...

I was hoping for a miracle, actually... a godsend from the gods... I mean, I felt horrible Friday morning. I finally got my final marks in for my final exams, and on top of my fucking two failures of the term, I dropped about ten fucking perfect in every single course that I fucking thought I aced on the goddam finals... I mean honestly, what the fuck is going on? Throughout the entire term, every single damn thing I thought was easy, I got a horrible failure of a mark in. And everything I thought was fucking hard, I got an even worse of a failure of a fucking mark in... And I just don't get why - what the fuck did I do wrong?... all I know is how horrible I felt when I had no choice but to tell my parents that I probably failed my third year of university Friday morning... I'll save the minute details of it all for my download site update, whenever I write that piece of crap... all I knew was that it would take a monumental gust of God's wind, just to even make raise my chin high enough to ever look up at the world again...

My brother was hoping that seeing Troy would make me forget all about my misforgivings... and he was partially right...

It's not that Troy was a bad movie (do I honestly start every review like this, or what?...)... it's just that, compared to the original greatest story ever told by Homer, it's a piece of crap... I mean, ah yes - I remember being in high school. My friend had just read the 19th century version of Odysseus or something like that, and in unbridled, Kill Bill jealousy, I tried to read the English translation of the Iliad... and fell asleep twice by the time poor Patriclus sort of bit the dust... Yes, I know - the translations all supposedly suck, but still, the fact remains... I never finished reading the story, and if I didn't give up on it? I never would've stayed awake to see the end of high school. Best story ever written, my ass... And besides, we all knew the jist of the story. Achilles Heel, Trojan Horse condoms, Superman saves the day yet again, yadda yadda yadda... so why bother reading? I just opted instead to pretend like I read the story, just so I could pretend to care about Odysseus as well...

The truth is, I've always been a huge fan of Ancient Greece and the fabled lore of the gods. And I've always been a strong believer that Troy was a real place, and that the greatest of wars was once fought there (then again, I still believe in Atlantis too, and that JFK was <GASP!> assasinated, if that says anything about me...). So obviously, I was more than excited when I first heard that Hollywood was making a new version of Troy, based on the Iliad, for 2004... until I heard who the director casted, I mean... and after I did?... well then...

I'll start with the good first: the Trojan half of the story wasn't so bad... Orlando Bloom would've been perfect for his role of Paris, if only I could stop making fun of his Legolas routine for just one minute of the film. I mean, he obviously had a the wimpy, pretty boy image down pat (and the bare chest for the ladies) needed to properly portray the smitten, naive prince of Troy. And his accent, not to mention his posture of a bravado, definitely did suit the reins of royalty. But honestly, possibly thanks to the boring script of the film, even Orlando Bloom couldn't save this film from obscurity for a thousand years. His romance with Helen simply fell flat, as there was no build-up and no aftermath of whatever they had. And hell, the only time I did care about ol' Orlando Bloom was when he did his best Legolas impression with the bow and arrow. Hell, no movie of his can ever be good any longer without a bow and arrow... And Peter O'Toole as King Priam was probably the best epic king since Marcus Aurelius in Gladiator. He truly did seem to love Troy - the only real problem with his character was that without any real gods in the film, he looked like a complete dumbass in his religious decisions. But still, it's a shamble of a shame Peter didn't have enough scenes in his film - he truly owned the nightshade one he had, begging Achilles for the return of his son... But absolutely the best (and probably the only great) character in the entire film was the one and only Hector, played by Eric Bana. He had the physique, force, and brutal attitude needed for an epic film like this one. He was great in combat, stellar in speech, and actually smart enough to know thy enemy and know thy gods don't really exist (except for God, but that's besides the point...). He put so much raw emotion and work ethic into his... um... work, and ethics... that he seriously was the single most redeeming factor of the entire movie. No matter how plain and plaid the lines he was given were, he still managed to breath life into the movie, just from the tender way he would kiss his son.

As for the women who were playing both sides like fiddles of Trojan horses, I personally thought Diane Kruger was a horrible choice for Helen. I mean, technically she didn't say any of her lines poorly, although she didn't put the delicious delicacy into any of them that you'd expect from a flowering girl. And you see, that's the main problem... her voice, her body, her touch, and even her hair - nothing really about her matched the image I've always had of Helen in my head... She was more like a Trojan Hoarse, actually... I mean, you'd at least expect the face of the girl that started a war of a thousand ships to be... well, you know... hot... but she wasn't... Hell, I personally thought Briseis looked much more adorable on screen, especially with that hair of hers. Plus, Rose got more naked ass time, which really showed off how beautifully streamlined her body was. And even more plus, Briseis executed all her lines with the kind of silky care you'd expect from an innocent priestess of Apollo. She also had a lot of sparkage with Brad Pitt I felt, but I'll get more into that in a second...

But the Greek side of it all? The Greek side?... oh my God, what the fuck was wrong with the men in charge of casting the Greek side?!... My brother was right all along - never, EVAH cast popular and well known actors in an epic movie, because just like I did with Orlando Bloom (who actually has talent, unlike the rest), all I could do was laugh at every single actor on the Greek side of it all... Odysseus was the only decent character on the Ithacan side. He showed not just wisdom, but actually some talent in his words and patience. But even with some strong dialogue, I couldn't help but make fun of his Goldeneye and Lord of the Rings days. And although I knew how it would all play out, I still couldn't help but ball into laughter at just how suddenly and stupidly he came up with the Trojan Horse idea... But at least Odysseus was decently well done for an epic film. Brian Cox as King Agamemnon on the other hand, was simply THE WORST casted character I have ever witnessed in my entire life! For God's sake, he was a Mycenaean with a fucking southern Confederate accent! He even used the same goddam word, "boy", as he used in X-men 2! I was half expecting him to say, "I thought you were one of a kind, Achilles... I was wrong...", or some Wolverine shit like that. And I almost literally shit my balls in laughter, every single damn time he tried to say an epic feeling line and fell flat on his face, simply because it did not work! The man just can't act serious, and I just couldn't take him seriously! He wasn't menacing - he was embarrassing. And I honestly don't understand how almost no other review out there didn't plague this casting job to hell... Because Brad Pitt was no better. I mean, sure I give him props for buffing up for all those unnecessarily gratuitous naked ass shots in the moonlight that I'm sure will lure the Orlando Blooming gals in... But in terms of acting, he was the absolute worst choice for Achilles! I mean, Pitt was great as the introspective guy in Fight Club and Tibet, but he completely does not match the cocky, arrogant, bullish kind of creep that Achilles was always meant to be. Pitt acted like he had no confidence in his overconfident character, he portrayed his character as if he had no real history with King Agamemnon, and goddammit, Pitt was just as bad as Brian Cox was at trying to say any overpretentious, overly epic line he was given... I will give Pitt the props for executing some awesome battle sequences though. And he definitely seemed like he had the touch in terms of chemistry with Briseis. But his one liners and dialogue afterwards spoiled everything decent he did on screen, though for now, that's besides the point...

Short story short, Trojans were good, Greeks were bad. And I'm not talking about the sides of good and evil in the movie... I mean, was it me, or did the Trojans sound British, and the Greeks sounded downright American, with both sides acting completely moronic in their own ways? But because Troy was based on the Iliad, I can't really fault the actual plotline that much, now can I?... I can fault the horrid execution of it though. Because first of all, the grainy camera cinematography in the film felt like a small scale Discovery channel show at best. All the shots were token overhead LOTR style, without any of the CG flash found in the trilogy. And the soundtrack of the film, except for perhaps the moment when the Greek ships appeared on the Trojan horizon (the only moment of the film that sent tingles down my spine), was positively boring in comparison to epic movies of previous years... And the script? My God, the script! What can I say? "That's why no-one will ever remember you"... I mean, it was atrocious! What else could I say? "Is there no-one else? Are you not entertained?"... or some crap like that... I mean, WTF? Not only could NONE of the Greek side actors execute their lines with any sort of dignity, but almost the entire script they were forced to endure sounded like it came from some high school student, trying to sound S-M-R-T smart while trying to write stupidly, Hollywoodish enough for the masses to understand. And goddammit, that just doesn't work - not without the title of "Gladiator" in the name of the film, at least...

Almost everything dealing with the Greeks in this film absolutely sucked: the acting, the dialogue, the war strategies, and yes, even the fighting, on the most part at least... But while half of the film felt as cruel and evil to me as the audience was supposed to believe King Agamemnon was, thank God the Trojan side of it all snuck deep within the walls of my heart and actually made me almost care... While the first Greek invasion of Troy was just a substandard fare of hacking and slashing and arrow stupidity all around, the attack by the Trojans on the Greek encampment actually gave me hope that the film was making a turn for the better. And in a sense, it did... Starting right from the ingenious strategy of using fireballs and the terrain of beachy hills to their advantage, Troy did suddenly start looking like the epic film it was meant to be... The death of Patriclus was almost heartbreaking, if only thanks to the tearful expression on Hector's face... The acting by Briseis when she pleaded for Achilles to spare her cousin really did highlight the chemistry between the two... The one on one fight between Achilles and Hector was so well done that I might even put it ahead of every single one-on-one fight in Gladiator, if only because of the quiet desperation so adequately shown on the face of Eric Bana... I've already mentioned that King Priam's visit to Achilles' tent later that night was powerful in ways that only an epic film can convey... And while the whole concept of the Trojan Horse now feels ridiculous to computer guys like me today, I must admit that I didn't feel the slow motioness of it all during the sacking of Troy was any bit annoying, nor the least bit inappropriate. Which says a lot coming from me, considering I normally hate the overuse of slow motion... I can't say I was delighted to find that the denouement of the film lacked any real action though, even with the fates of King Agamemnon and Achilles, but I can't say I was disappointed either... Like I stated above, the Trojans saved the film, even if they couldn't save themselves. For every single god-awful line spouted by the Greeks, there was a Trojan there to take away the pain by sacrificing their own. And I did feel bad for Briseis when she held Achilles in her arms one last time, before they even knew it would be their one last time. I mean sometimes, just like with that shilling up and down my spine at the sight of all those warships beyond the horizon, it actually helps a movie when you know something terrible is going to happen...

... and this year, I really didn't know something terrible was going to happen... goddammit, that really didn't help me...

I honestly don't fucking know what happened. I thought I did well in my courses, and yet this was my absolute worst term ever in university. I thought I was going to move onto fourth year with the best marks I've ever gotten, and now I find myself begging my professors to just let me pass with goddam fifty percents... And that is the kind of sorrow I went into the theatre room with yesterday afternoon. That is what furrowed my Angelus brow for Troy... And to be honest, Troy just wasn't good enough to make me forget all about the pain of my past and present. I mean, sure I laughed like an annoying, talking donkey every time Brian Cox tried to say something meaningful. Sure, I keeled over in agony everytime Brad Pitt tried to pretend like he was suited for this role or that goddam costume of a suit of his... but still...

There were moments where I did forget about my pains and promises, if only for a moment... like when Legolas finally picked up his bow and arrow - I think I cheered a bit like a god-worshipping fanatic at that... but these moments were far and between sporadic at best. Spartan at best... There were simply too many flaws in this movie... Helen and Paris had no chemistry. The uber-religious Trojans sounded like morons because the film had gone purely secularist (without real gods like in the Iliad, even Priam sounded like a dumbass with his choices). The pacing of the film felt off at times (such as during some god-awful, droning speeches by Brian Cox about Achilles). And many of the plot points of the film just felt disconnected somehow, yet jumbled somehow from condensing the entire Iliad into a 2.5 hour Campbells soup (decent plot points like Briseis being taken by the king, or Patriclus asking to fight on D-Day, just didn't seem to get enough attention to matter to the film).

But overall, while the film wasn't nearly worth the $200 million they spent on it, it was still worth the $10 I spent on it at least... and why? Because although it couldn't make me forget about my goddam predicament (can anything?), it did a damn good job of trying... The fear in Orlando Bloom's lips when he crawled to his brother's ankle for his life... The sorrow in King Priam's eyes when he saw his eldest son dragged through the sands like swine... Even the subtle look in Achilles' mother's gaze when she revealed to him his duelling fates, was enough to make me believe, for at least all the moments that Brian Cox and Brad Pitt had nothing to say, that this film was actually worth watching... It wasn't nearly the epic film that I was expecting, to be talked about for thousands of years, or at least to next year's Academy Awards. Hell, even with all the Briseis pluses of the film, Homer should still sue for the butchery of his work...

But then again, I fell asleep twice reading his so-called grandest work. And I only fell asleep once during Troy... so... I doubt that'd start a war of a thousand ships, but goddammit, that's gotta be worth something.

Y2kk Update: - Frasier: Goodnight Seattle, Smallville: Forsaken, Angel: Power Play, Enterprise: The Council Reviews (Spoilers) -

I was going to write a whole E3 montage this week... I mean, as a Nintendo fan, and as a Halo fan, lots of things happened that I absolutely loved and cherished. And lots of games were shown that almost made me forget about the hell of my life right now... almost, that is...

But I guess the crap of my life is a short story short for another day and time. In the meantime, I might as well mention that I caught the series finale of Frasier for the second time today. And truth be told, it was a decent episode. I mentioned to a friend of mine not long ago that the episode just wasn't nostalgic enough for me, but on second viewing, the little quips about Martin's old chair sort of did get the best of me... Still, as much as I hate to admit this, I really think the Friends series finale was quite a lot better, at least for the intended audience. Maybe that's just the anti-bourgeois in me speaking or something, considering this ain't exactly the best time in my life to be worshipping the intellectuals of the world... But despite my own painful bias, I still did enjoy most of the Frasier series finale. It had bits of humour, like Niles holding the monkey instead of the baby (although nothing can ever redeem the show for ending Niles' one-way obsession with Daphne). And the "open bar" running gag was amusing, especially with Simon's return, although it felt more like a normal episode gag than one for the series finale... And I guess that was the problem with Goodnight, Seattle. It felt like just another episode to me. The wedding had little meaning to me, considering all the things going wrong at the ceremony were by-the-book sitcom comedy. The baby birth seemed rushed as well, considering how little air time it got. And while the joke about the "Golden Gate" did make me laugh, it just served to highlight how the show felt like just another show, and not the final show. And maybe that was the point? I don't really know... I do know however, that I will miss the show. I will miss the coffees. Even though I technically... umm... never drink coffee, and... umm... never did watch the show, but that's besides the point...

It would've been nice if I watched even a single season of Frasier, a show that deserves all the praise it gets, rather than wasting my time with Smallville and my small Smallville weeks in review that nobody ever reads... but a funny thing happened with the show this week...

"WHAT?! Smallville's now 3 out of 4? What the hell is going on here?... that sure as hell ain't no small feat..."

The thing is, Forsaken can be easily forgotten as just another episode, for the most part at least. Lana's dealings with Lex and Clark about leaving for Paris grated my brain as she always does. Pete had a bunch of meaningless, tacked on scenes that just make him look like a traitor for abandoning his friend, and highlighted just how useless he is to the series (if it's true he's leaving the series). Chloe kinda surprised me with somehow using mad L337 hacking skills or some crap like that, to rebuild Lionel's voice message confession, but besides that? She was on screen for a few minutes max. She didn't even really interact with Lana, who was leaving... And Lex? Well, for most of the episode, he did quite do nothing. I didn't feel the chemistry between him and his father like I normally do when Lionel discovered the FBI wire. And unlike last week, even the ending of the episode didn't really point out an evilness in Lex's heart. He was back to being good again as far as I was concerned... But whole Forsaken definitely had flaws, I have to admit that for some goddam reason, I actually sort of liked this episode. Forsake me not, but still... Clark actually had a real dilemma that I almost cared about this episode! He was going to tell Lana his secret, and then thanks to some meaningless Pete Ross scenes, he realizes that maybe it's for the best that he just lets Lana go. I still banged my head against pavement when he just smiled at the end of the episode without even saying he'll miss her, but at least he had a real reason to fake his giddy composure this time around... And the return of Emily was actually quite welcome, since she featured in one of the few episodes last season that I actually was semi-interested in. The idea of locking a pretty girl in a glass room with no way out somehow felt appealing to a stalker guy like me, and overall, I thought the actress did a great job of feigning lonely insanity. I still don't get how water falling at a super slow rate could stop or even reach a being running at the speed of light, but oh well, AOL, who am I to question such great writers?... normally, I say that with the sharpest of sneers, chagrins, and sarcasm. But this time, I was most impressed when so many loose ends from throughout the season finally came together for the arresting of Lionel Luther. We all know the reason why Lionel has gotten sloppy and desperate, and hell, I almost wished he would've told his son the real reason why... That's the power of Danny Glover for you right there... or, um, John Glover... but still, Danny Glover was The Man in Predator 2. Same thing applies here. And when an ending of an episode is this damn good?... I tend to forget or forsake the rest of the crap that came beforehand...

Now, I just finished watching a horrid episode of Charmed where the sisters meet their evil twins, and I kept thinking to myself, this is the show that WB renewed over Angel's dead body?... Angel's second last episode ever, Power Play, was definitely good enough to earn episode of the week status for most weeks of the year. Just not this week, I'm afraid... Still, Power Play had powerful scenes for every single character in the cast. Illyria was the most useless, and I couldn't stand the fact that an Xbox for some odd reason was playing Crash Bandicoot (although the outdated series is now third party... but I digress...). But the odd correlation between her existence in the new world and the annoyances of games you can't stop playing, somehow did seem like a stroke of writing genius, at least to an E3 video gamer like me. And at times, I almost felt bad for her - Illyria, I mean... Amy Acker just has a way in her eyes to make me pine for her everytime she pines for a man, and poor gal - she really does look like she misses Wesley's "intercourse"... Gunn didn't have any memorable scenes to himself. But he got to play the anti-Devil's Advocate to Angel for most of the episode, wondering what the heck the big wig was doing with the Senator in his office... Lorne didn't have many great scenes either. But along with Gunn and Wesley, it was a team effort in Power Play. In every scene, whether they were interrogating Drogyn or Lindsay or Angel, these three played perfectly off of each other. Like a hat trick, so to speak... And I would include Spike in the three, but I'm sorry. As a Spike fan, he's a blonde cut above the rest. He was really the only character to present comedy this episode (one of the reasons why Power Play didn't earn best episode of the week marks), and he was really the only character to kick real ass as well. Most of the episode felt dull, like Drogyn dull, without Spike there and his snarky comments. I know it sounds weird to say this, but probably the biggest thing I'm going to miss about Angel, is Spike. And that one intimate time that is... though umm, nevermind...

The two main characters of the show were obviously Wesley and Angel though. I felt bad for Wesley at times. I mean, didn't he learn anything from remembering "the father will kill the son?" Once again, he was led to believe that Angel was going to betray them all. And once again, he betrays him first, for like the third frickin' time... Now, I never really enjoyed Angel's speeches about real power and being nothing without it, but at least they were worlds better than any of the crap Buffy spewed last year. But I do appreciate the point behind it... Because unlike Buffy, although Angel did mean his words in a way, he certainly didn't think himself higher than God as some Slayers seem to think they are... Angel's plan was to not let Fred's death be in vain. He was to infiltrate Wolfram and Hart's secret society of the apocalypse, which kind of sucked in terms of members in my opinion (none of the Circle except for Vail were really powerful or memorable or anything, as if the writers just wanted to mix all baddies from the season together and pretend like this finale was their plan all season long). But the plan itself was a nice twist for the show... Angel gave up a happy life with Nina (who may be absolutely the hottest Buffyverse woman since season 3 Sarah Michelle Gellar... or season 2 Darla at least...). Angel risked his existing power with the firm. Angel risked his life. Angel risked the lives of all his friends. And for what?... Some on the internet think it was a dumb plan to risk that all, just to make a small dent in Wolfram and Hart's plans. The Circle can be replaced - the apocalypse cannot be stopped... But I personally thought the plan was ingenious, at least from a writing point of view. The whole point of the season has been that heroes are heroes for a reason - they don't give up. They don't concede. They don't accept... Now, there may be better, more long term solutions to fighting Wolfram and Hart. There may be smarter ways to win in the end... but the show doesn't have a million years to go on. And if the show has to end now, I'm actually happy it'll go out on a bang... quite literally, actually... and except for some boring scenes with Drogyn, the Senator, and maybe even an unnecessarily cryptic Lindsay, this episode went out with quite a bang as well...

But the real hero of the week is Degra, and the real episode of the week award goes to Enterprise... Now, this week's episode, The Council, may have been a bit too slow paced to match wits with the best of Anomaly and Azati Prime. But it was a hell of an episode, that truly took the emotional toll and momentum from the previous episodes in the arc, and created an episode that truly made me proud to be a Star Trek fan... Now, the biggest problem with the episode was obviously the Council sessions. First of all, after all the Star Wars references this season, I was at least hoping for a council with plenty of computer generated members. I mean, a council of 10 guys? Wasupwidat?... And the dialog in the actual council scenes was simply atrocious at best. I know the writers were short on time and tried to minimize information redundancy, but honestly... Redundancy would not have been redundant! It was ridiculous how Archer just made statements out of nowhere without first pointing out his proof. And it was ridiculous how the Xindi just kept yelling at each other, instead of even discussing the evidence given... But with that said, there really weren't any flaws with the episode. Hell, every character got a great role in it... Malcolm got to show grief, even though it was obvious that after First Contact, any crewmember with the name of Hawkins was doomed to red shirtness... T'Pol acted dumb by doing the usual TV thing and not warning about a hologram before you ram it. But her Vulcan axiom, "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few", truly rang truer and soother in my mind than at any other time in the Star Trek universe, even when it was said by Spock... Hoshi got to have some fine chemistry with the captain again for once (for like the first time since Broken Bow?), talking about never being sent to the principal's office. She also got to translate a lot (sonar as a language? cool...), even though every other person next to Archer in the council chamber didn't need a translator. And then for some odd reason, she was kidnapped by the Xindi reptilians. For once, she was actually wanted! Hoshi the hottie indeed... And for once, Mayweather got some key moments. He even saved Malcolm's ass by firing a big ass phaser at some stupid Canadarm thingy. And if even Mayweather could kick ass in an episode, then it just has to be the best damn episode ever!... well, close enough at least...

Phlox had some amusing moments as well, thanks to the contrast of his Subway diet scene with what happened before the strategically placed commercial break... But the real keys to this episode lied in Trip, Archer, and Degra. The three combined for some seriously powerful emotional work. And maybe it's because it's been a horrible week for me, but I almost teared up when Degra was about to die... The cinematography in the scene where the Reptilian Commander knocks on the door was simply amazing - you knew Degra would die, but the scene made you hope he wouldn't... Trip himself got some powerful moments himself. His humanizing forgiveness of Degra was a nice ending to a great seasonal arc for him, but his most potent lines were probably when he was relating his anger to an "old friend". It actually rings true for a lot of feelings I've become forced to endure over the ages... And while Archer in the council grated my head in only ways Lana Lang can, he was amazing with Degra one-on-one (if that sounds good...). They showed true trust in each other, which somehow felt natural after all the episodes they've been through together. And Archer's reaction to news of Degra's death almost made me shed the tear I had almost forgotten... And to top it all off, the episode ended with a great battle sequence (albeit a short one) with Xindi ships all converging on the Death Star or whatever. As if it were a Borg Sphere, every photon torpedo just bounced right off the Xindi weapon's shields - and as cliche as invulnerability has become in sci fi, as a huge fan of the Borg, I was a huge fan of this battle... From the opening sequences with Degra threatening to fire on another Xindi ship, to the pieces falling together as to why the naive Xindi would actually trust the word of the Guardians, to the epic To Be Continued feeling at the end of the episode... well... the episode was not perfect, but thanks to the Xindi arc, it was all so powerful that I think I actually did shed a tear at the end... when I realized the season was ending in just one more week... when I realized the show may not be renewed for a fourth season...

Archer may not be the best captain, but... Enterprise?... well... it's my hero... and definitely my episode of the week...

How could I have possibly forgotten? The second anniversary of this website passed by a week ago, and all thanks to my goddam university predicament, I forgot all about it... although I guess a birthday of a meaningless website that nobody ever visits, does kinda pale in comparison to failing the whole fucking year of school, but I digress...

Not long ago, my official counter for this website finally passed 10000 hits... The unofficial counter though reads 30000 unique visitors, so I have no goddam clue which one of the two is right... All I know is, I was planning a big celebration of an ecstatic jubilation for the noname birthday that twas the ten thousandth hit. But alas, like I said, I guess getting goddam fucked over in school was reason enough to forget all about birthdays...

My brother got to be ecstatic the other day though. He miraculously passed his University of York Accounting course with a C+, the course that he used up all his time studying for instead of giving me a birthday present until now... For the IvanFian mal-informed, my birthday passed by long ago. IVT 420 is now just a dismal dream of a memory, in the wake of unspeakable horrors in what can only be known as goddam University of Toronto exams... But my brother wanted to make it up to me - the fact that I didn't get a birthday present from him, I mean. But it's not like he had much cash on him, after getting a girlfriend this year... so he took me out to the movies, actually. The movie he wanted to see, that is, not I...

But the ironic thing is... he was the one who left the theatre in disgust, apologizing for subjecting me to film noir horrors beyond my most abergasted dreams (is that even a word?)... but I?...

... It gets fourteen out of four stars from me! Torque 4 Life!... or, um, maybe not...

First of all, I can't get out of my mind which was worst: Van Helsing, or Van Wilder? Or that goddam Van Halen poster up in my brother's room... I guess I'll have to wait until Blade 3 to make the final cut on that... All I know for now, is that I entered the Van Helsing theatre with absolutely nothing but the lowest expectations possible, and found that at least, the movie didn't disappoint me as much as I thought... Hugh Jackman starred as Van Helsing, and to be honest? He was just a mere shadow of his former Wolverine self. Hell, the only time I even snickered throughout the movie was when Jackman as the Wolfman started protruding out his claws. If only they were made of Adamantium, I might've cared about the movie... And from there came along perhaps the absolutely worst CG battle fight since the days of the Rock in Mummy 2 actually, and I blame movies like Spiderman for this... Spiderman managed to hit huge at the box office, raking in over $800 million across the world. But the movie itself sucked ass! It had no real character development, no emotional plotline, no real pacing, and the most cartoony of villainous battle sequences that I've ever endured in my life... and yet it still made $800 million? WHY?... because it was based on a household, neighbourhood friendly name, and because it had that kind of non-stop, rock'em sock'em pace to it that hasn't been done well since The Rock, in my opinion... The same happened with The Hulk and Pirates of the Caribbean last year as well. Both movies made a ton of money they didn't deserve, all because they were fast paced enough, following the Spiderman blockbuster formula to a T (although at least Pirates of the Caribbean had some decent lines and a great character in Johnny Depp - the one bullet thing was the only really ingenious part of the movie...).

Van Helsing tries to do the same damn thing as well. It tries to be non-stop action, with the right amount of love, and the right amount of comedy... The problem is, first of all, unlike Spiderman, nobody bloody hell knows who Van Helsing is! I didn't even know he was Dracula's nemesis until I read it in early reviews of this movie... As for the right amount of love, Kate Beckinsale may have been voluptuous in Pearl Harbor and sexual in Underworld, but in Van Helsing? She has almost no chemistry whatsoever with Hugh Jackman, not to mention the fact that her fake Romania accent just sucks compared to her real British one (and what the hell was with Hugh Jackman? Was that a fake English lisp over his fake American accent?)... And the comedy? We were stuck with the Friar as the only real comic relief in the film. And to be honest, I don't remember a single damn line of his that I more than chuckled at in the film. He was the kind of comic relief that you might expect in an 80s film or some crap like that - welcome at first, until you realize just how annoying he is... And unlike films like Pirates of the Caribbean or The Rock, Van Helsing has perhaps the worst villain I've ever watched on the big silver screen. Or villains, actually... The film reaches a new low for even Hollywood in terms of hoping the audience is stupider than Pulp Fiction, praying that none of us know that Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde, Frankenstein, the Wolfman, and Dracula all come from different novels... Van Helsing chooses to squash all these characters into a completely meaningless, conglomerate, fender blender of a mess, with no single character standing out more than how god-awful their CG graphics really appear and animate... I mean, after the travesty of the Hulk and the Scorpion King, why the hell did they even bother to show Mr. Hyde's face, especially considering it looked like it was ripped right out of Shrek? Why the hell were we forced to endure that horrible CG waste of time between the werewolf and bat-Dracula battle sequence?... for God's sake, get a fucking clue, Hollywood! Give me Wolverine in a the kitchen with a bloody hell knife anyday...

But you know what? Yes, Van Helsing is perhaps THE stupidest movie I've burned at the stake my eyes with in years. But you see, I was kind of expecting that... tit for tat, actually... Because I knew this movie would make B-plot movies look like A-class Academy Award films the moment I saw the first trailers for it. And I went into the theatre, expecting nothing but an entertaining but extremely cheesy ride... Hell, that's sort of what I wanted, considering I'm dumb enough to be a Buffy and Charmed fan, mind you... In the end though, of course I was disappointed in the lack of comedy and the lack of any defining villain in the film. But I can't say I left the theatre disappointed...

The plotline was sheer ridiculousness at best. On the one hand, you had Dracula trying to raise his undead children from never living in the first place, by somehow using Frankenstein's effigy or some crap like that to bring them all to life, just like Dr. Frankenstein brought his own creation to life. And this plotline was just so damn dumb, that it really hurt my head... And on the other hand, you had this horrible sidestory of Dracula's father promising that he or his family would slay the vampire, or else they'd never get pardoned into heaven. The whole goddam idea of locking your undead son away in an icy castle and hoping a werewolf comes along for no apparent reason whatsoever to rip his throat out is simply mind-numbingly absurd... I mean, why the hell would a werewolf be needed to kill Dracula? Unless I'm missing something from the original novel, I don't think that's how things work... And the third subplot? About Gabriel's (sorry - Van Helsing's) lost memories and past? I may be a religious man, just like him... but he's a fucking fallen angel? What the fuck? I seriously doubt that the original story, dealing with an old professor armed with garlic, had anything to do with Hugh Jackman being God's right armed assassin... I thought we got enough of that crap in that god-awful Dogma...

And yet still... I never enjoyed The Mummy because it took itself far too seriously... or at least I did, at the time... But Van Helsing is so obviously stupid that even the five year old kid behind me was saying it out loud (over and over and over again, mind you... during the movie...), that I sadly enjoyed bits and pieces of it... The Frankenstein scenes were simply abominable at best, and simply had no redeeming moments whatsoever. But as for the other two plotlines?... Dracula may have been a terrible villain, but c'mon already! I laughed when he burst the cross in his hands into flames for no apparent reason whatsoever. I got interested whenever he tried to tell Van Helsing about their storied past. And the Halloween Party filled with vampires? It was a great looking Moulin Rougish type of shot, and as a sucker for vampires (pardon the pun), I kinda got turned on by a) how hot Kate Beckinsale was with that hair, and b) how entranced she was by the vampire's... umm... trance... And like I said before, as dumb as the truth about Gabriel was, it was kind of entertaining to get to that point. We knew there had to be a reason for why Van Helsing can do all the stuff he does and never really die... and sadly, in the context of the movie at least, the stupid ass reason why actually made a bit of sense... in a real cheese sort of way...

There were only three characters that I truly enjoyed in the film though: Dracula's brides. I'll give credit where credit is due - the special effects of their blindingly quick transformations from human to flying vampire and vice versa, were not only creative, but they were actually elegant and "realistic" as well... in a manner of speaking, at least... And the manner in which Van Helsing takes on each female vampire? Although I'll never forgive the film for having a rapid fire crossbow with near unlimited ammo, I gotta admit, it did make for a hell of a scene... While the werewolves, the Mr. Hydes, and the batman Dracula were all done horribly in CG, I have to admit, the vampire brides were pretty damn done well. Their demonic bodies integrated perfectly into the backgrounds, and the makeup for their eyes and tongues and claws really made them the only threatening (or at least, the only interesting) villains in the entire movie. I personally think the three actresses did a hell of a job - the only decent acting job in the entire movie, at least in the context of their roles... While every other character almost seemed embarrassed to be spouting out their lines, the three brides were shilling out every lovely shriek and squeel with the kind of sensual delight that I'd only expect from the best of Buffy the Vampire Layer stories...

Let me make it clear to you: Van Helsing is a bad movie. A bad, bad, bad, very damn bloody bad movie... But you see? The ironic thing is, that's not such a bad thing!

It's not a funny movie. Don't even expect a single joke to furrow your brow. And it sure as hell ain't a sexy movie, unless you've got a fetish for rather slinky vampire women, as I guess half the Western world does judging from television these days... And it sure as hell ain't a smart movie. I don't think a werewolf in a cage is ever going to pry the Oscar away from Golem anytime soon... But as long as you don't go into the theatre caring whether the movie will be good or not, then in truth, the movie doesn't feel so bad. It does have non-stop action, and it's a pretty damn long movie too. And what feels amazing to me, is that except for the first half hour of the film, the film doesn't feel long at all. Every scene, something integral happens to the film, if anything can be considered intregral that is... It's all so quick paced, with lightning bolts here and Jawa rip-offs there, that it makes The Mummy 2 feel like a 1960s wrestling match, before we knew that wrestling was fake...

Anyhew, I will always hate films that have horribly cartoonish CG characters fighting instead of human people in costumes, even. But I blame Spiderman for this, not Van Helsing... and Van Helsing, like Spiderman, does not deserve to be a huge summer blockbuster in terms of money. And to be honest, word of mouth for this movie is so bad right now that I doubt it'll even make the $150-200 million mark... and it shames me that everyone's favourite Hugh Jackman reduced himself to this kind of movie, after the Shakespearean inspired X-men, of course...

But let me make it crystal ball clear to you all: Van Helsing is such a damn bad movie, that I actually had some fun watching it. Hugh Jackman did kick some ass, especially in that horse riding carriage scene. Dracula was kind of funny, in the kind of way you laugh at 1950s movies today. And the ending, while more laugh-out-loud than sad, did catch me a bit off guard at its suddeness... And okay, fine. I admit it. There's absolutely no logical reason why anyone should like this movie. And I never said I liked it...

But it was a good popcorn movie, and it didn't grate the head like Spiderman or The Hulk did with their overpretentious cries at trying to be meaningful... Van Helsing was a stupid film, but it was a film stupid on purpose.

... plus, it helped that I won a free large bag of popcorn today... yay for my website, and yay for me...

Y2kk Update: - Friends: The Last One, Smallville: Talisman, Angel: The Girl in Question, Enterprise: E2 Reviews (Spoilers) -

I can't believe how bad of a week this was for me... for my family... and maybe for everyone, actually...

I'll spare the triteful details of my week on vacation straight out of hell for my download site. But suffice to say, despite everything that happened, I still have to admit that I probably felt the worst of the worst after the Toronto Maple Leafs fucking lost in the second round... Their Game 5 against Philadelphia just embarrassed the whole city, and Game 6 sincerely broke our hearts... Go Leafs Go indeed...

And sadly, it hasn't been a very good week in television either. Smallville was a chore of a bore, Enterprise was more whimsical than emotional, and while Angel was good enough to earn the top episode of the week award? Considering the competition? That's not saying very much...

I did watch Friends though. It was a rather bland feeling series finale, "The Last One" I mean. But at least it was better than Seinfeld's finale long ago... anything's better than a goddam clip show... Just to recap what the entire world already knows, Ross and Rachel finally got back together again, leading to the only real decent moment of the hour long episode: when Ross idiotically mentioned "the break"... The other memorable moments of the episode came from Chick Jr. and Duck Jr. Afterall, nostalgia is a powerful thing, yet I felt none of it for the other characters of the show besides the poultry... In the end, the series finale was safe and predictable, though satisfying in a limited regard. Despite Ross becoming a moron over the years, I did get a bit of a feminine tingle when he and Rachel finally, officially got back together. And I did chuckle a solemn laugh at the sight of every cast member giving up the key to the rent controlled apartment (that should be costing them a million goddam dollars a year)... and, well... sniff sniff... I've always hated to admit this for the past 10 years, but I, as a guy, have always liked Friends. It's witty comedy and zany characters (not to mention some really hot hair on the head of Rachel), always managed to consistently make me chuckle throughout the years, no matter how lame the plot of the episode I was watching truly was... Not many shows have that same kind of writing power to somehow be funny on a regular basis, without always being intellectually entertaining, or without being Star Trek... and because of that, I guess I am going to miss Friends. Even though I only watched a few episodes a year, somehow I'm going to miss Friends... just not the series finale of it, that's all...

Now onto the crap of the week. Or if you're Lost in my Translation?... I'm talking about the small Smallville week in review. And what was this week's episode? Talisman, was it?... Okay, here's a short story short for you: I hated every episode on Buffy that dealt with Spiritual Knives or Talismans. And I especially hated every episode of Buffy that dealt with Native Americans (simply because those storylines always end up cliche and politically correct), although I think there was only one... and short story even more short?... Smallville was definitely no exception to the IvanFian rule... because? Well...

"Okay, so Lionel Luther now knows people can be bulletproof? So if he's even remotely intelligent, why doesn't he just goddam shoot Clark or something to figure out his secret? What has he got to lose?... Talisman was yet another blatant reminder of the stupidity of the characters in the show... and I haven't even gotten to Lana or Pete yet... Now those two don't just take the cake. They're baking it..."

But I will get to those two in a second... Once again, short story short, Talisman was a bad episode, although it did have a few, vague redeeming factors... I liked the stressing of the "friend becomes foe" prophecy from previous years, a prophecy that the audience knows the true meaning of all too well. And Clark and his family being clueless about it did give the episode a bit of an ominous feeling to it. But honestly, Lex Luther has grown so much in the show, that it's hard to imagine him ever being a ruthless enemy. I think he's grown so likeable that I'd hate to see him an an enema of an enemy, but I guess that's the point... but still... if they're going to change him into a villain soon, I don't think they'll be able to do it well. Not with his list of good deeds at least...

And other positives about the episode? Well, I liked the tree hitting effect... and, um, I laughed when Clark was being stabbed in the gut, but still... The negatives? Ah, yes, the negatives... Once again, the episode started out with cliche Native American characters (or Jeremiah at least), complaining about land being stolen from them and stuff like that. And I'm not saying that I don't think Natives have the right to complain or earn back their land or anything. I'm just saying I'm sick of hearing it on teen shows trying to be smart and informative, that's all... And Clark? Why didn't he just go into supersonic speeds and take the damn knife when he had the chance? If we learned anything from this episode, it's that Clark can't see in bullet-time unless he's already in bullet-time (or if a bullet is shot at him for some odd reason). So why the heck didn't he even try to gain the surprise on Jeremiah or some crap like that?... But oh well, AOL, at least I didn't have to deal with any Clark and Lana crap this episode - that was gladly replaced by some prophecy mythos mumbo jumbo instead... As for the Kent family, they didn't do much except pretend like Jonathan miraculously saving his son was a shock or something... Lionel Luther was a pure dumbass this episode, not connecting 1+1 together and proving that Clark is not even human... And Lex was looking quite unnecessarily evil this episode. I guess he's only good when Lana is around to make him horny or what?... Lana herself was annoying as hell. Does she really need to be a character on the show? I'm really rooting for her to just leave for Paris. Really... And the Chloe and Pete subplot was just awful at best. It didn't flow at all with the rest of the story, it didn't connect at all, and if this is the kind of sendoff that the Pete character is getting?... then, well... I guess, once a footnote, always a footnote...

The Angel episode of the week, The Girl in Question, was rumoured to be all about Buffy. And after the episode aired, people on the forums were still complaining that the entire episode was entirely about Buffy... and yet Buffy wasn't even technically in the episode! Although she was the girl in question... The entire Ford focus of the show though, was based on the rivalry between Angel and Spike, being put aside to take out the Immortal and all his infinite charms or whatever kind of crap. Because I must say, I too fell for his charms, at least when I saw the afterglow on Darla's face... I didn't start watching the Angel series religiously until I saw Julie Benz in action in the second season. She looked awful on Buffy, but hot damn, was she a perfect sexual match for Angel on his own show! Her chemistry and acting is still perfect for a vampire slot of a slut, and she sure as hell looked damn adorable when she was beaming over a night with the Immortal... concurrently with Druscilla, might I add... And yes, like the forums, I do admit that the two actresses were kind of wasted this episode on a single scene. But what we got instead between Angel and Spike was just as good as any Italian job flashbacks ever could've been... I still laugh my balls out whenever Angel tries to claim that he saved the world from Acathla (when Buffy killed him), simply because he "made her do it"... Angel's and Spike's rivalries over both Buffy and their saving-the-world resumes was simply hilarious, and reminded me so damn much of the chemistry between the two that I've been longing for since Just Rewards... Nearly every line that they uttered was pure comic genius this episode, from the "Ciao's" in 1950s Italy, to the mocking of the awful cookie dough speech in the series finale of Buffy... Spike claiming that having sex is a relationship if "you do it enough times" was pure William the Bloody at his bloody best! And did you see the poor dejected look on his face when his Slayer coat was bombed to shreds? I felt so badly for the guy... I felt so badly for the coat (even though it was technically fried last year in the Hellmouth too)... And Angel worked perfectly with his female counterpart at the Roman Wolfram et Hart. The gypsy spitting was simply classic, and quite frankly reminded me of some of the Simpsons running jokes that I still crack on and off with my friends... And the playful playing of the American and Italian stereotypes in this episode was right up my alley. The violence vs napping contrast is always a great broca divider, in my racist book at least...

But there was one thing terribly wrong with this episode: the pacing of it all... Somehow, despite so many of the lines written being comedy gold, something about the quirky, quick cuts made in this episode just didn't work for me... Either because it was predictable, or either because it was too quickly executed, the comedy screen transitions to Angel and Spike outside Buffy's apartment just didn't cut it for me. And Andrew himself was a bit of a disappointment for me, considering his lines weren't nearly as geeky or James Bondish enough to stand out from the crowd, especially considering he stole the show in Damage... And the rest of the cast didn't do a great job either this episode, or any job actually. Fred was back in full cookie dough force, but while her sweetness turned bitter cold (whenever she switched from her Winnifred to her Illyria personality and vice versa) was an acting job done well, I must admit that it's hard to take an evil bitch seriously when she looks that damn cute. And the overdramatic music constantly running the background, not to mention the constant Dark Wesley stale face running across his brow, didn't helped matters at all. The only thing that did help was the hint in Illyria's voice that she loves Wesley like Fred did, but I doubt they'll have time to explore that with only two episodes remaining... Lorne and Gunn were both noticeably absent this episode, and harking back to Wesley, the only good line uttered between these three of them was "be blue", which sounded weird out of context in the first place... But nevertheless, the Girl in Question definitely earned this week's episode of the week award in question. And why?... well, there wasn't much competition, but even if there was? To hear Liam's awful Irish or whatever accent once again, and to hear old skool Spike spit out a "Son of a Bitch"?... well, some on the internet may still hate this episode for being too much about the girl in question. But it was never about the girl to me... It was all about the tale of mens' inferiority complexes towards each other. And trust me - after a shitty week like this one, I really got a large one of my own... Afterall, size does matter...

It's just too bad Enterprise couldn't spiritually fulfill my needs after the Leafs kicked the bucket this Tuesday... This week's episode, E2 (E-squared, actually), was a decent episode dealing with character development. And because of that, every actor and actress on the show got a turn to shine for once... Hoshi finally got a few decent lines in, revealing that she was curious about her children but not her potential future mate. Mayweather got to do something other than utter cliche lines, although sitting down at a table with a plate isn't exactly stretching his Titanic acting limits. And Reed finally got a moment to shine as well, as he sadly realized the truth that he never married a woman on the ship (although rumoured as being ambiguously gay, he does have other options...). And Phlox got to play the pimp again. I mean honestly, how many times is he going to be the tool that just magically sways Tucker and T'Pol together?... and Archer? He played a stagnant but in-character role this episode. Most of his time was spent looking around the alternate Enterprise, wondering whether to trust their story or not. In the end, since Archer trusts everyone (although a chat with an old T'Pol does help as proof), he blindly just believes the other Enterprise has his best interests at heart. This leads to a pretty interesting space battle between two Enterprises that should not have evenly be matched (considering one was much more repaired than the other... though one was much older than another...). And in a sense, this week's episode was a nice reminder of Archer stealing warp power from those Romulan-like aliens a couple of weeks ago (guess Archer taught Lorian quite well...). But in the end? The episode did feel quite hollow... It was a simple story of a ship from the future, changing the past out of guilt. It had none of the drama of Yesterday's Enterprise for example, nor was the set of the alternate Enterprise nearly as compelling of that of the alternate Enterprise-D at the time. The only real plus of the story was the paradox at the end of it - did the other Enterprise exist or not? Why does Archer and co remember it if they never travelled back in time? Was the ship destroyed saving their lives? We don't really know... Although I normally complain about ambiguously gay endings, I personally thought this little paradox of a twist was a nice change to the everyday alternate timeline storyline.

But while the core plot of the episode was kind of bland, one thing truly did shine: the Tucker and T'Pol romance... Now, I've been saying it since Broken Bow, and I'll say it again - these two were always meant to be together. And Tucker complaining about T'Pol's stubbornness after explaining away quite a comical honeymoon adventure of theirs, just highlighted their chemistry even more... And gosh, look at that! Tucker even cares enough about T'Pol to notice something was wrong with her (and yet Archer still hasn't noticed, even after she attacked his desk)... But the real classic moment in this episode was the extremely well done scenario with the two T'Pol's meeting. Jolene Blalock did a superb job of playing the naive Vulcan versus the one with all the memories. The old T'Pol was wise and yet sorrowful - I felt real meaning in her words when she was talking about her life with Trip Tucker... And our T'Pol? It was weird enough that she didn't find it weird that she was talking to herself (let alone a time traveling version of herself...). But the look in her eyes when she was told her emotions for Trip would never go away?... yup, that was the look of love on her eyes! Or of lust, but either one is good for the viewers at this stage in the game... Now, I sincerely hope that the writers don't screw up this romance like their did with Tom Paris and B'Elanna, or Jadzia Dax with Julien Bashir (yeah... that one sure worked...). I was never a fan of Kira with Odo either... but honestly, how can the writers ever mess up Trip with T'Pol?... Or Trip In T'Pol (TiT for short)?... I already love the two in love, which never happened with another Trek relationship (outside of Riker and Troi), and that was E2's strongest point. It may not have been a great episode, but in terms of the two real stars of the show, it was a great filler episode with serious (and possibly thought-provoking, with Sarek in mind...) future repercussions... up to 117 years of repercussions, actually... as long as Enterprise gets renewed for a fourth season, that is...

... and with my luck this week? It better damn be... or else my life officially now sucks...

Y2kk Update: - Metal Gear Solid 2: Substance Xbox Review (Major Spoilers... as in the whole game spoilers...) -

I admit it. I hated the original Metal Gear Solid. The plot, the gameplay... the legend, the legacy... I really did...

... I mean, yeah... not being able to pass the first goddam room in a game after a dozen or so tries - that can really bitterly strain your relationship with a game. No doot aboot it...

And even after playing through Metal Gear Solid: The Twin Snakes? You know what really sucks?...

... I still suck at the Metal Gear Solid genre. I repeat - I still suck... I really do. Hell, I just played through Metal Gear Solid 2 on Easy, and still died two dozen times somehow...

... but at least... I did play through the game. And contrary to popular belief, I think I actually liked the sequel more than its critically acclaimed predecessor... though not by much... and even so, that sure as hell ain't saying much...

I've always had an unnatural love and hate relationship with Konami's and Hideo Kojima's Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty. On the one hand, I hated it for putting the final nail into the Dreamcast's existence and for solidifying Nintendo's 'teh kiddie' image. Until this game was revealed, the PS2 line-up was simply abysmal at best, and it killed me inside knowing that the advertising for this game alone would kill any hope for Nintendo's next generation system before it even launched... But on the other hand, I goddam fell for the MGS2 advertising myself. I mean hell, sure I'm still bitter than the fucking melting ice cubes in this game got more attention in the war of attrition than Nintendo's Pikmin or Luigi's Mansion ever did, but even I have to admit that even I watched the E3 trailer for this game a dozen times fold. Simply because, like David Hayter's voice, it was too goddam cool for it's own good... I mean, the Metal Gear Solid theme song blended perfectly with the intermixed montage of Metal Gear Ray and Dead Cell CG sequences. Simply put, this game looked even more amazing than Shrek the movie did to me at the time... And to be honest, whenever I go back to the E3 trailer, I still think this game looks amazing. It honestly did trick me into believing that the next generation of games would be so damn different and so damn excelsior over the crap that the PSone generation had to put up with... outside of the N64 at least...

Metal Gear Solid 2 is a good game. Hell, it even has some of the semblances of a great game. But thank God it never got the perfect scores that the original Metal Gear Solid was unjustly getting across the boards, because this game sure as hell doesn't deserve them anymore than its predecessor did. Hell, I still think IGN discredited itself by giving the series far higher marks than it ever doth deserved...

MGS2 may not have gotten many perfect scores, but it sure as hell got a lot of high ones. And one of the main reasons why it did, was because simply put, Hideo Kojima polishes his games to near perfection. He may not be the "Socrates" of gaming (as a certain Dennis Dyack, now crying alone in his basement, crawled into the fetal position, was so candidly known to have referred to him by), but even I will admit that he does show many of the same gaming god qualities that the "Aristotle" of gaming, Shigeru Miyamoto, has always been about... And in terms of sheer metallic polish, Metal Gear Solid 2: Substance for the Xbox is as good as they come, despite the negative ravings and rantings of most MGS2-for-the-PS2 fanboys. I mean, sure some of the textures in the Xbox version are surprisingly lower quality than their PS2 counterpart, and sure the literal slowdown (not choppy framerates, but of the game actually slowing down) during the tanker rain sequences and the outdoor Big Shell scenes do get annoying, considering it takes you twice as long to get to where you're trying to go... And maybe it's my imagination, or my burgeoning inability to differentiate between Matrix slowdown and gaming choppiness, but I could've sworn I saw a few times (or a lot of times) where the animation in Kojima's cutscenes was unintentionally choppy at best (but nowhere near the crap of TTS' CG)... But these few port issues aside, Metal Gear Solid 2: Substance is one of the most solid gaming transitions from one system to another that I have witnessed in my life. The graphics and character animation still rival the best of today, the cutscenes are still mostly jawdropping to analyze, the full Dolby Digital sound puts the stereo crap in MGS:TTS to shame, and even though I personally prefer the Gamecube's MGS controls over the Xbox's, I still think that everything in Substance, especially the first person sensitivity controls, were executed to near perfection.

Now... I admit, the port was done to near perfection as far as I'm concerned, even though most MGS fans bitch about the complete opposite half of the time on the net... But there are definitely issues with the inherent game itself that I've never simply liked. I mean first of all, the art direction in MGS2 pales in comparison to the original. Solidus Snake looks like a pirate in a spacesuit, Fatman looks like something straight out of Star Trek Voyager (combined with the roller skating Megatron of Beast Wars, stupidly enough), Raiden and Rose both look plain and devoid of character considering they're the main personalities of the show, Otacon looks like he could kick Snake's ass for some odd reason, and Solid Snake himself? I mean honestly, what the fuck? His CG model is awful! It literally looks like his eyes are popping right our of his forehead, I shit you not... But on the other hand, characters like Ocelot, Emma Emmerich, and especially Metal Gear Ray are all designed with the kind of poignant delicacy that makes you almost forget that you're watching a game, not a movie... Unfortunately for me, it's the gameplay that ironically takes me out of the illusion, because quite simply put, I think I really, really, ridiculously hate the Metal Gear Solid series... I mean, the static camera angles in this game are awful! Most of the time, I have to go into first person mode just to see where the hell I'm going, which was never a problem with TTS... And the guns in this game are almost useless! I used the fucking Socom and M9 the whole way through, because the automatics used up their ammo way too quickly, the PSG sniper rifle was only useful in the few areas where the enemy was in a galaxy far, far away, and I couldn't even use the Stinger on the Raven toy model's fat ass, dammit!... And in terms of gameplay elements, hiding bodies in lockers was a nice addition, but since I hated moving bodies out of sight in Splinter Cell, and you're damn right I'd hate the game that started that "realistic" spy trend in the first place. And even worse, what's the point of hiding the bodies when the bad guys just reappear five minutes later or some crap like that?... Metal Gear Solid 2 suffered from a complete lack of memorable gaming arenas. The Tanker was beautiful to watch in CG sequences, but all the long ugly ass corridors sure as hell didn't make for compelling gameplay. And the Big Shell? Not only was the building plain as hell, but except for the sniper protection part of it all, I can't even remember a damn thing I did in it! It was all blow the Semtex this, fuck the C4 that. I mean honestly, at least the original MGS had merit in its backtracking. But in Metal Gear Solid 2, it was just a pain in the ass to go anywhere in Shell 1, especially with those annoying flying things just saucering about...

But lucky for Hideo Kojima, Metal Gear Solid games have never been known for their gameplay, no matter how boring it turns out to be. In the end, it's always the plotlines of his story that make it to the frontlines of the headlines for him... which in the case of Metal Gear Solid 2, turned out to be even more unfortunate for him...

... somehow... I ended up liking the plot of this game more than that of Metal Gear Solid 1...

I'm now going try the abysmally impossible: to sum up the entire goddam plotline of the fucked up game in a couple of paragraphs or some crap like that. And why is this impossible? Because the shortest full summary of the game I've seen on the net is something like fifteen goddam pages long, that's why... Metal Gear Solid 2 is three hours of cutscenes long, and felt like fifty goddam hours of goddam codec sequences the way they talked... but nevertheless, here I go... make it so...

The game starts 2 years after Metal Gear Solid 1's Shadow Moses incident. Solid Snake arrives on a tanker containing the Marines' new Metal Gear Ray (capable of underwater nuke firing), following an anonymous tip from Otacon's long lost sister, Emma Emmerich... Solid was hoping to publish pictures of the new Metal Gear on the net and then perhaps blow it up, to prove to the world that the government was proliferating nuclear weapons behind their backs. But the whole thing turned out to be a trap by Ocelot, the Patriots, and <GASP! What the fuck?> Liquid Snake's arm... Ocelot/Liquid Snake had sent the anonymous message, blew up the tanker, stole Metal Gear Ray, and then framed Otacon and Snake for the destruction of the ship as an "environmental terrorist act". Snake then faked his own death by stealing Liquid's body and passing it off as his own, because he knew why he had been framed... dum dum dum dum! The Patriots had never wanted Snake to become a hero after Shadow Moses, so they stained his name and stole "back" the Metal Gear Ray that was being made by the Marines behind their backs! And who exactly are the Patriots?... well...

2 years after the tanker incident, a terrorist group named Dead Cell, led by "Solid Snake", took over the "Big Shell" environmental complex that had been built to clean up the supposed oil spill caused by Snake's destruction of the ship. A fucking blonde, pansy wipe known as Raiden is then sent in after having only VR training and no real life experience (next to a secret past as a child solider fighting in Metal Gear 2's civil war, I think). Raiden gets stuck with an awful girlfriend by the name of Rose to prevent you from ever wanting to save your data, and right away it becomes apparent that both she and the Colonel are hiding something from Raiden... Eventually, you meet "Plisken" who's <GASP! SHOCK!> actually Solid Snake in a not so secret disguise (dammit, I refuse to accept Snake is Plisken! I REFUSE TO ACCEPT IT, DAMMIT!...). You then meet the terrorist leader, "Solidus Snake" (the third of Big Boss' clones), the former president of the USA who was removed from office by the Patriots, after his choice to stop the nuclear bombing in MGS turned Solid Snake into a public hero... Raiden eventually meets up with the current president of the USA, who admits that he joined the terrorists simply so he could strike back at the Patriots. He admits that he's just a figurehead, along with all of Congress. The government gets all their orders from 12 invisible men known as the Patriots, and Solidus Snake's plan was to use the new, secret Arsenal Gear being built beneath the Big Shell to liberate America from the Patriots' control. It turns out that the tanker incident was all set up to a) frame Solid Snake and b) provide a cover up for the most powerful Metal Gear ever made, hiding beneath the New York harbour... Solidus Snake wanted to use Arsenal Gear's EM nukes to disconnect New York's computer and economic systems from the Patriots and grant the city republic independence. Hence the name, "Sons of Liberty"... the president is then timely killed off by Ocelot, who doesn't kill Raiden for reasons only an unnecessarily evil, cliche villain and an eye rolling observer could ever understand...

Raiden eventually meets the AI programmer, Emma Emmerich, who admits that she helped make Arsenal Gear into not just a nuclear underwater fortress, but into a censorship device as well. The Patriots feared that the internet could reveal their identities (or spread info they don't want, such as Solid Snake's heroism), so that built Arsenal Gear (along with a secret program in all programs' Y2k patches), to delete and filter out all unwanted data out of the internet and computer systems. The good guys then devise a plan to use Emma's virus to destroy Arsenal Gear's "GW" AI systems, and at first the plan seems to work, as the Colonel and Rose over Raiden's codec begin to malfunction (Otacon soon reveals they are AI programs controlled by the Patriots). Raiden then comes face to face with Solidus Snake, who reveals that his true plan was to use Arsenal Gear as bait. He never intended to wage direct war with the Patriots, but rather wanted the list of their names stored in the GW AI systems, so that he could assassinate them all one by one in secret. Ocelot then reveals that he has a compulsive disorder to betray people, admits that he's been a spy for the Patriots all along, and that the names stored in the GW AI system were destroyed by the virus he wanted Raiden to plant. Ocelot then steals Metal Gear Ray, but before being able to kill Solidus Snake like he planned, Liquid Snake in that goddam fucking arm takes him over, and decides to use Ocelot's knowledge to find the Patriots and kill the 12 himself. Snake uses superhuman strength to pursue... Meanwhile, the Patriots contact Raiden, and it turns out the entire incident was part of the "S3 project". Ocelot thought that Arsenal Gear, Dead Cell, Metal Gear, etc... was all set up to recreate Shadow Moses, as the best possible scenario to train a soldier into becoming the Patriots' next Solid Snake. And it was true the whole incident, starting from the tanker 2 years ago, was a whole big conspiracy just to force Raiden into a situation where he would turn into the next Solid Snake. But the Patriots admit there was more to their S3 plan than that... It turns out that Raiden was useless all along. They wanted to use Arsenal Gear's GW AI system to see how well they could manipulate him into doing whatever they wanted. The first phase of GW was to filter out the internet "for the greater good" of human evolution, but the real objective was to eventually use AIs to control all of human behaviour through blackmail, lies, and goddam Matrix "truths". In that sense, the Patriots proved that GW worked, by making the fucking pansy Raiden do whatever they wanted, despite Solid Snake's interference. Raiden was then forced to kill Solidus Snake to rescue his fucking real girlfriend Rose, and it looked like the Patriots had won. Snake then shows up one last time, and admits that he saw through the Patriots' plan and kept a copy of the GW virus himself. At the very end, Otacon finds the 12 names of the Patriots inside the virus code, but then realizes something... Not only is one of the Patriots one of the "major contributors" to their cause, but all 12 members of the Patriots died in Manhatten more than a hundred years ago. They were apparently the Sons of Liberty, or some bullshit like that...

First things first, let's talk about the Patriots. So let me get this straight... They're a bunch of fucking mo-folks, a secret society of Homers that rule America by controlling the president, Congress, the military, and all the powerful people of the state through blackmail and crap like that? I mean, what the fuck was Kojima smoking? How stupid can he be?... What the fuck was he thinking when he wrote the goddam script to this goddam waste of a story?!

I mean fuck, everyone knows it's the Illuminati who does all that, not the fucking Patriots... God, some people just don't have a fucking clue...

... but seriously, Snake... As a guy who delved into conspiracy theories all my childhood, I particularly didn't mind the whole angle of the Patriots. What I did mind however, was that a) their fucking droning codec speeches took goddam hours to listen through, b) all the crap Matrix shit that was spewed about "truths" and that humanity is too stupid to think for themselves, and c) the Patriots completely contradict the feeling of the storyline from all of the goddam previous Metal Gear games! Even in Metal Gear Solid 1, you had the good guys, the bad guys, and the traitorous dogs. Everything was cut and paste, black and white at heart, at best... But Metal Gear Solid 2 was just fucked up in the head, as if Konami just wanted to leave us scratching our heads with a plotline that purposely makes no fucking logical sense whatsoever... And if any of you have ever read any of my movie reviews, you'd know that I hate storylines that purposely have no solution in the end. We don't know whether the Patriots gave false information on their viral disc, or whether they're simply not human, existing as AIs or aliens or three fold ideals or some New Age crap like that... And regardless of whether you've read my movie reviewers or not, anyone who knows IvanF knows that I absolutely, vehemently hate anything that remotely resembles the goddam high school philosophy found in the Matrix or with the goddam New Age crap going around these days. The Patriots are a goddam reminder of my past, in the sense that crap like that sure as hell could be real. Because only crap like me could ever think that I'm being smart by believing it...

... unless... that's what the Illuminati wants us to believe... but that's besides the point...

As for the actual characters in this game, I was bugged as hell by Snake's bug-eyes and crap like that during the CG sequences. But I did admire that he realistically felt older, more moral, more generationalistic, and definitely more mortal... I'm still pissed off though, along with the rest of the video gaming world, that we only got to play him on the Tanker and not the Big Shell. But I do admit it was a nice touch to see him from a different perspective, especially when he seemingly betrayed Raiden with Olga the girlish Ninja... And as for Raiden, the fucking pussy wipe? His voice was grating, his gill suit was gay in an anti-Will-and-Grace way, but sad to say, I actually liked his backflipping - at least I could go up and down stairs faster in this game than I could in TTS... But Raiden himself? I understand why Kojima decided to use him as a main character. He went from seemingly naive at the start of the game, to supposedly realizing the greater truths of life at the end. He was a soldier at the start, doing what he was told to believe. And by the end of the game, with Snake's help, he realized that while our actions may be controlled, our thoughts are not. Rose was a spy, but his feelings for her were real... Now, it fucking gutted me in the goddam spine that Rose didn't turn out to be evil like the Colonel in the end. I mean, what fucking bitch talks about the fucking day they meet 24/7 during a war game if she isn't goddam evil and testing him?... in the end, she was purposely annoying for two reasons: she was a) trying to circumvent the Patriots' control over him and reveal the truth the only way she could, and b) to keep reminding Raiden that he's a person, not a mindless soldier. But she wasn't fucking evil, dammit! What kind of evil bitch is like that on a normal basis, honestly? Why torture her man?... Why torture us?... Sure, she was pregnant, but...

... ah, yes... that would explain it... either that or her period... but, um, nevermind...

I won't even bother with the Otacon and Emma Emmerich storyline. I'll admit that Jennifer Hale did a much better job with Emma than she did as Naomi's voice in TTS, but Otacon? Honestly, did we really have to know his father committed suicide when Otacon slept with his step mother? I know I'm a fan of the Oedipal Complex, and it all makes sense with Emma's fear of water, but honestly! I watch movies for this shit with a warning label, not video games! Hell, even the Patriots' mind game crap looks tame in comparison to this fucking epidemic... I did like Emma though. She had a sweet voice, and I always dig a chick with trendy glasses. I can hope she somehow got vamped from Vamp's knife and that she'll be back for a sequel (not MGS3 I suppose, since that one takes place in the past). Besides, if they want to incest the continue, then evil Emma could get a twisted sexual obsession with Otacon. Sadly, in this universe, that would be considered normal family relations...

As for the bad guys, I was loving every moment that Metal Gear Ray was in CG, and hating every moment we had to ghastly fight it. Or them, actually... I mean honestly, since when did Metal Gear suck so fucking badly that a goddam P90 could take it out with a couple of shots?... I know the scene was just showing Solidus Snake to be a bad ass, but honestly, why bother with a Stinger missile when his stupid Stargate SG-1 gun could rip right through Metal Gear metal?... Solidus Snake himself was a far worse villain than even Liquid was in the original. I mean honestly, Solidus has tentacles to what? Hentai rape the fucking pansy Raiden to death?... The whole plotline for ex-president Sears was to be played as a pawn of the Patriots, no matter how hard he tried not to be. He was played as a fool by Ocelot, and then killed by Raiden when the only chance he had for revenge lied in the goddam girly's nanites. In that sense, he was a tragic figure - just not one that I cared for unfortunately, since his Powerpuff muscle routine felt more than poutine than anything else, sadly... And Dead Cell was just an abomination compared to Foxhound from the original game. Vamp was cool in my eyes, but only because I've seen worse on Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel... Fatman was just a royal embarrassment. I mean, who honestly gives anything but the most cliche villain a wine in hand and rollerskates on his goddam feet?... Olga was useless, even as the surprise cyberninja. None of her scenes were remotely as interesting as Gray Fox's were in TTS. And hell, I'd even take Meryl's whining for sex over Olga's meaningless moments anyday, dribbling on about her lost baby... The only villain I did care about was Fortune. Dramatic irony was played well here, in the sense that we knew that Ocelot had killed her father and she didn't. We knew that Ocelot was playing her now, giving her powers that she really didn't have (the bullet swerving effects were pretty damn cool in this game, though the boss battle was not). And when the device was shut off and she was finally shot? It was just nicely, juicily ironic that the one person who could finally kill her and give her rest, ended up being the man who started her pain in the first place... Some on the internet never got a feeling of remorse for Fortune, but I certainly did. Besides Ocelot (who was already fleshed out in the original), she was the only person I cared for in this game... And hell, even Ocelot got goddam pointless, gimmicky appearances by that fucking Liquid Snake. God, is he a stubborn clone or what? Not only was he completely useless to the storyline, but...

... and yet... the sheer ridiculousness of the entire Patriot plotline made even the Liquid Snake fiasco seem realistic in the end... No wonder this game alienated so many MGS fans with the goddam sheer idiocy of the entire secret society storyline... I believed it in the Simpsons. I don't believe it here...

Metal Gear Solid 2 is by no means a bad game. But I said the same damn thing when lying about TTS, so why reiterate?... Still, I must admit that I was surprised at the quality of the Substance port. I mean, the in-game animation, the overall framerate, some of the characters graphics, and definitely the sound in Metal Gear Solid 2: Substance are STILL better than anything Silicon Knights managed to squeeze into Metal Gear Solid: The Twin Snakes an entire year later. But the real problem lies in the actual MGS2 game itself, mainly the gameplay and the fucking storyline. None of the characters were memorable in this game, although I still have images of the awesome-looking Metal Gear Ray (which roars like a fucking dragon for no apparent reason whatsoever) etched into my mind. The plotline itself was memorable, but only because it was so damn stupid in the sense it was trying to be too smart... While the original Metal Gear Solid loses all its merit points by having long-winded codec conversations about Naomi's revenge this and FoxDie that, Metal Gear Solid 2 manages to even top all that off with none of the great action sequences of TTS, and none of the heart that went into Sniper Wolf's and Psycho Mantis' deaths, for example.

And gameplay wise, what the fuck was Konami thinking?... Yes, I understand and admit that my viewpoint is jaded, considering I've seen stuffing people into lockers, doing chin-ups on railings, and watching fucking ice cubes melt in The Twin Snakes already, which came out two years after MGS2. But still... It's not the little additions to the game that's bugging me. I mean, I love the first person shooting, and the body part hit detection is amazing in this game. It's just that, there isn't a goddam fun thing in this game whatsoever! At least the original MGS had some glorious boss battles, but what the hell did Sons of Liberty have? Olga just tossed grenades, I just stood there waiting for Fortune to hit me, Vamp was a fucking pussy considering he just spun around like a transvestite top, and Solidus?... well, at least that battle was better than the absolute-worst-boss-fight-ever in the hand to hand battle against Liquid Snake, but I can't say the bad-Japanese-cartoon-feeling Metal Gear Ray battle was not... It wasn't just the battles that sucked in MGS2 though. It was the entire layout of the Big Shell. Every room was just straight forward, with bad guys in plain sight, ready to be sniped with the Socom of all things... Thanks to the horrible static camera angles, I could literally see every single enemy soldier in the rooms, but never where I fucking wanted to go (it took me an hour just to find the staircase up to the helipad, I shit you not)... The backtracking is back, and worse than ever before (and I'm the guy who actually likes backtracking in Metroid and Zelda games), and all the goddam body dragging makes avoiding guard detection a royal pain in the ass (although I guess that is the point of the game...)... Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty was an amazingly polished game. But unfortunately for this "Socrates" of the gaming world, it seems that as soon as Hideo Kojima was given the programming freedom he wanted, he ended up making nothing more than rehashed, derivative crap...

And yet... somehow, I still ended up liking this game more than the original Metal Gear Solid. Go figure... The stages, while artificially inflated with backtracking, are longer and somewhat more involving than they were in MGS (searching for the hidden C4 was nowhere as annoying as I made it out to be). The bosses, while boring in ingenuity, at least were helped by the addition of first person shooting... I admit that the single sniping sequence in this game was better than any sniping moment in TTS... Heck, the CG sequence alone after you complete the Tanker was worth the price of admission (even though I only paid $10 CDN for this game... but that's besides the point...)... The music in-game may have been dismal at best, but at least the opening sequence had that classic MGS theme music that I so desperately sought out in TTS to no avail... And goddammit, I love Harriers and P90s - how the hell can I fault a game for having a fucking Harrier and an unstoppable P90?... But the real reason I enjoyed Substance more than TTS, was not because of the gameplay... Sadly, despite my better impaired judgment, I actually enjoyed the twist of what the GW and S3 programs really were in this game. I can't say I liked the idea of the Patriots, but I did enjoy many of the revelatory clues leading up to the big revelation... In the end of course, I found it fucking stupid that the Patriots' entire plan was goddam revealed for absolutely no apparent reason whatsoever...

I mean hell, everyone knows it's the Illuminati that did that in the 70s. Why the fuck do you think that decade was so damn bad?... There was a gas shortage and a flock of seagulls. That's about it...

[c. visitors too bored to return...]
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