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The thing is, I think it's now safe to assume that X3 will garner even more fucking money for Fox than either of the first Xmen movies ever did. Which is quite a shame, considering that in my honest opinion at least? X3 was definitely the worst of the trilogy...

That's not to say it was a bad film though. It's just not what I had hoped, that's all...

If the critics have compared the original Xmen film to Star Wars: A New Hope, and a lot of fans still insist that X2 was the Empire Strikes Back of the series? Then it's a pretty safe comparison to claim that X-Men 3: The Last Stand is The Return of the Jedi of the franchise...

X3 suffers from a huge letdown of rushed proportions. While X2 may have been a bit to meticulous in pacing (and bored me at times as a result), X3 is just so damn hyped up on Ritalin and drugs that it just never feels like it does it characters time nor justice...

It's pretty safe to claim that absolutely none of the characters in the X-Men series really evolve or develop past their X2 personality and roles here in the third film... Sure, Storm becomes a leader, but it's not like Halle Berry can act her way out of a paper bag. So why should we care?... And Hugh Jackman gets to play the big ol' romantic hero, but if anything? That's a step down from his role in X2, where he seriously provided an intriguing father and son relationship when it came to both Professor X and Stryker...

A lot of fans have ripped apart the movie for Cyclops pretty much getting ripped into atoms within two minutes of film exposure time. But why should any of us be surprised? Why should any of us complain?...

Okay, the big change for the franchise is that <GASP> Professor Charles Xavier gets ripped apart by the mild mannered mind of Jean Grey. It would be a big gasping moment though, if the same thing hadn't already happened in the comic books a thousand times fold... with the same damn solution for immortality as we got in this film...

I mean, invasion of the body snatchers? Transferring your memories into some dumbass new body? WTF?...

God, the handicap pity sex must've been mad insane before they broke up (she's his former fiancee in the comics, if you don't know). Too bad the camera panned away before we got more mad hospital "welcome back from the dead" necrophilia sex after the ending credits finally rolled...

Now, there is one name above all else that X-Men film lovers loathe about the third in the trilogy. Just like Star Wars fan groan at the sight of George Lucas directing another one of his shitty ass films, even I can't help but roll my eyes at the thought of Brett Ratner taking over Bryan Singer's hard work and dreams...

And the difference in the two director's visions shows clearer than daylight at Alcatraz in this film. Bryan Singer actually cared about the emotion and motives and drive behind the characters of the X-Men universe, and tried his hardest to relate their issues to the modern world. Meanwhile, Brett Ratner rushed through every single emotional scene in the film except for Famke Janssen making every man and woman in the audience blush, as if he couldn't wait to get to the big ass explosions he had set up for Jackie Chan in his mind...

Take the whole Rogue, Iceman, and Kitty Pryde (Shadowcat) love triangle for example. I mean seriously, how the fuck could a director possibly produce a more amateurish, teen angst angle on screen?...

Bobby Drake was a good character in X2, if only because he took the starring role of Buffy the Vampire Slayer in Joss Whedon's "coming out of the closet" to the parents scene. But what the fuck did he do in X3?... He completely ignored Rogue as if she didn't even exist in the film. He had a fucking Dragonball Z Saturday morning cartoon showdown with Pyro, finishing it all off with the worst CG T-1000 effect I have ever seen since T2. And he spent the rest of the fucking movie ice skating with a 19 year old girl who looked like she was 12...

According to the comic books, Iceman is an "Omega, Level 5 Mutant", just like Jean Grey. Apparently, this requires Bobby Drake to be horny and pedophillic as hell. WTF?...

Rogue was almost completely non-existent from the film. The only scene that she really even was noticed, was when Storm was ranting how there was nothing "wrong" about her, how there was nothing to cure... What a fucking bitch Halle Berry is. Sure, if you can control the weather and be treated like a goddess wherever you turn, there's nothing "wrong" about you. But Rogue not only can't touch a single living being without hurting them immensely, but is fucking losing her boyfriend to a fucking girl from grade school. WTF?...

I was surprised that Marie actually took the cure. Normally, a film would have her returning at the end in some big heroic fashion, as probably only her suction capabilities (along with Leech) could even remotely stall Phoenix in the end... I was shocked that she came back to such little fanfare with no powers whatsoever. But what difference does it make, when she's had absolutely nothing to do in the films since the original X-Men movie anyhew?...

And Storm here was a complete bitch the whole way through. Who's bright idea was it to give her more screentime? Who's genius idea was it to let her talk? WTF?... Why the fuck did the writers actually cave into Halle Berry's demands, when she turned out to be absolutely the worst leader in the history of the X-Men? I guess that's true for the comic books as well. But did we really have to get the most laughable eulogy about Professor X at his funeral to just prove that point? WTF?...

From an action point of view, Storm was improved I guess. Her spinning Chun-Li bird kick effect wasn't nearly as a bad as I was expecting, and it's always great to see one bitch in a catfight fry another with lightning bolts... But my God, is this so-called goddess just simply horrible at acting. It was both her and the fucking president who made this film feel like a fucking "Direct to Home" DVD movie with their fucking lame ass acting. All she did was whine and gripe to Wolverine the whole movie long...

How the fuck did this bitch win an Academy Award? I enjoyed her performance more in fucking Catwoman, for Christ's sakes...

I was surprised at Kitty Pryde though. Besides looking positively hot and illegal in a fucking X-Men jump-suit, she actually was given a significant role in the film. While I will never understand why we didn't get the Colossus versus Juggernaut showdown here that we always demand from the comics, I was still impressed at how Shadowcat battled the unstoppable behemoth in the final scene...

Brett Ratner didn't seem to give a damn about any of the pre-existing characters from Singer's reign. It definitely shows when Rogue gets the boot, yet guys like fucking Multiple Man of Charmed and Jason Dean fame get more fucking development time on screen...

But for his own new creations? Ratner actually gave the audience something to cheer for. Take Cain Marko for instance...

The crowd was roaring in approval at that line. It's both hilariously sad and funny at the same time, when a nod to an internet fan-made video of all damn things gets the biggest goddam reaction in the entire audience of nerds. WTF?...

Obviously, Juggernaut got the Sabretooth mindless minion treatment here. In the real comic books, Juggernaut is Professor X's step-brother and probably one of the biggest X-Men villains out there (next to Apocalypse, Mr. Sinister, and of course, Magneto). In the movie though, he was only here for shits and giggles... The thing is, Vinnie James actually did deliver those shits and giggles. I would've preferred a final epic battle to close out the X-Men trilogy, but it was still just somehow also enjoyable in a comic relief sort of way, to see Juggernaut ram through walls and fucking get his ass whooped by Kitty Pryde of all bitches. Talk about losing your fucking balls and pride...

Kelsey Grammer was introduced as Beast and Brett Ratner made sure that he was an awesome character. And Frasier certainly did not disappoint... As the intellectual mutant for the ages, Kelsey Grammer was a perfect choice to be an advisor to the president and a trusted friend of Charles Xavier. In fact, probably the only moments of Beast that I didn't like, was when he was making lame-ass puns and comebacks with Wolverine when they first met...

Rather than dwelling on that god awful script writing shit, I prefer to think back to the stunned look on Hank's face when he saw his hand shed its fur and turn back to normal upon approaching Leech. Just the little moments like that were Beast to the purest sense, and I just wish this film had more of them...

Instead, we got all the time in the film wasted on pure cannon fodder like Callisto and even fucking Pyro. I mean, why the fuck did they introduce Callisto as an enemy for Storm, when their whole Morlock story from the comics wasn't even mentioned, and Callisto isn't even supposed to have super fucking fast speeds in the first place?...

As for the summer student suddenly turned pyrotechnic psychopath? Besides getting beat down by Bobby Drake of all nerds, Pyro got his ass whooped by Magneto for claiming that Xavier deserved to die. Did the guy do anything else at all, besides a few pretty light shows in the final "Last Stand"? How the fuck did he turned completely ambiguously evil again?...

And who the fuck was the Spikey headed guy? Why the fuck should we care about him again? WTF?...

Brett Ratner spent the entire film hyping up his villains just for the major battles he would fight. The thing is though, there was just no meaning behind the battles, as absolutely none of the social-political aspects and modern day moral dilemmas of the first two films even got a chance to have their opinions heard in the third film... I mean, sure I may be no fan of preaching in the movies. But the spirit of the X-Men series itself just felt lacking as a fucking result of Ratner's obsession with just getting to the next explosion sequence...

A cure is found for the mutants, thanks to the mutant Leech (and yes, he is in the comics) getting his DNA replicated in a fucking Bright room. The thing is, why is the idea of locking this boy up for eternity and using him solely for medical purposes never even mentioned or argued?... Sure, I'd just claim that the boy already has more than he could ever want. While fucking Nicole Kidman and Samantha Carter to boot, he gets his own fucking free Xbox 360 in his room. What the fuck is there to complain about?... But still, it's absurdly annoying to me that the issue of his captivity was never even brought up. Isn't he supposed to have rights, you know?...

The only true issue that did come out was with the weaponization of the cure. Beast resigned as a result, but did we hear any more clamouring over the moral implications of such an action?... I actually agree with the wussy ass president in this film, that cure weapons were really the only way to subdue villains like Juggernaut, Multiple Man (maybe), and Mystique. But besides a few words from Magneto and getting some kick ass plastic military men action at the end of the film, did this fucking moral dilemma even cause a fucking stir in the movie at all? WTF?...

Why the hell did we never even get a real follow-up to Mystique's condition? She was robbed of her abilities, and left all alone and naked by Sir Ian McKellen (who apparently was not amused that the mutant could no longer shapeshift into the sex that he wanted...)... She should've been given time in the X-mansion for instance, learning what it means to be human and what it means to be fucked out of her supernatural abilities. Yet instead, all we got was a token scene of her being a "woman scorned", which led to nothing but a Magneto trap anyhew. How the fuck could Brett Ratner not only ruin but completely ignore one of the deepest characters of the first two movies? WTF?...

The cure was simply meant as an excuse to a) introduce Angel, who seemed to impress all the high school girls in the theatre I was in with his goddam Batman and Robin poses, and b) to wage a war between the humans and mutants again, just like the first film...

I do admit, Brett Ratner definitely does know his action. He just doesn't know how to build suspense or common sense, that's all...

I will gladly admit that the Golden Gate Suspension Bridge being ripped apart and built into a new bridge to Alcatraz was simply awe-inspiring, and right up there with one of the most impressive things that Magneto has ever done even in the comic books... What was not impressive however, was that Brett Ratner completely forgot that it was supposed to still be day when his fucking night battle began. And apparently, he never realized that maybe Magneto could fucking steal a ship or a ferry and use that to get to the fucking island instead. But whatever...

The first film in the X-Men series was absolutely the best film in the trilogy to me, simply because of the relationship between Wolverine, Professor X, and Magneto. While Charles Xavier was quickly wiped out of the picture here in X3, at least Ian McKellen was still here to pick up the pieces of his dignity that he still had left for being in the film... And besides being a complete wuss while Phoenix was tearing up her old home? I really did think that Eric Lensharr stole the show once again. His speeches were script writing at their worst, but he more than made up for it with every single look and glance he gave in the leadership of his mutant army...

Hell, Ian even did a great job of playing his younger self from 20 years before. While Patrick Stewart looked more like a white version of the Tasha Yar tar monster than Captain Picard of the first TNG season, I loved how the digital effects really did make Magneto look like his more youthful and vibrant former self... It wasn't just the digital make-up of that scene that I adored, but rather the fact that Charles Xavier and Magneto were still best friends at the time. The two actors really were astonishing in just the way that they perfectly played off of one another...

And hot damn, did Professor X ever want to tap that adolescent, Jean Grey ass...

(I'm not kidding either. Take one good look at the Onslaught comic book series if you want some proof...)...

A lot of fans have complained that Professor X manipulated Jean Grey, that he put mental blocks into her mind to prevent her from becoming the Phoenix. In essence, fans complained that Xavier was acting more like a villain than superhero in this film... The ironic thing is, these so-called complainers must have never fucking read the comic books in the first place. Because if anything, the Professor was far more true to the comics in X3 than he ever was before. He indeed did put mental blocks into Jean Grey's mind to prevent her from wrecking havoc with her powers, and these mental blocks really did get destroyed once the Phoenix Saga took place in the comic books...

Now, I didn't particularly mind the cure plotline in X3. Afterall, it led to a decent fight scene of Beast CG-ing all around, and Kitty Pryde kicking Juggernaut's ass and taking his name. I just thought it was all lame and unnecessary in the end, considering how fucking epic the Phoenix Saga could've and should've been if left alone...

The Phoenix Saga is right up there with the Death of Superman in terms of comic book arc popularity. It's such a fucking shame that the Phoenix never got the chance to truly shine in X3, as the vast majority of the film just had Famke Janssen in a fucking Neo trenchcoat in the background. She didn't even participate in the fucking human versus mutant battle at the end. I know she would've been bored as heck with all those worthless pawns, but still, WTF?...

For those of you who don't know, The Phoenix is arguably one of the most powerful beings in all of comic book lore, and supposedly could wipe out Superman with a single thought. And thankfully, at least we did get a small dose of what kind of limitless potential Jean Grey really has here as a true "Omega, Level 5" mutant, in what I consider to be the only a few select scenes worth really an entire damn in the fucking film...

First, the seduction scene. Wolverine and Jean getting it on was hot and bothersome, both in a good and bad way. Famke was fucking smokin' hot in her little tank top, and just had that kind of wild attitude that screamed "fuck me up the ass before I disintegrate your body with my cum". Or some shit like that... And even when Wolverine relented, obviously since his face was being blown apart by hot and horny fire? Jean Grey saves the scene once again by flinging him effortlessly across the room, then tearing the door off of the medical lab in a way that would make even Ian McKellen blush...

Second, the house scene. Obviously, having Wolverine against Juggernaut (and losing badly) and Storm against Callisto helped out in the Ritalin department. But the meat and potatoes was obviously Jean Grey and Professor X locked in a battle of the minds, which is a showdown that has happened in the comics before and still goes down as one of the best of all time... I was not surprised that the Professor would lose, considering he lost in the comic books to her before. I was however moved by just how epic the whole wrath of Jean Grey felt, as she ripped apart her house like a fucking banshee poltergeist screaming to be free...

Probably the only truly great Wolverine scene (except for perhaps his love for cigars) was when he was witnessing Jean blow away her mentor into ashes. It was a moment that literally lasted minutes on film, and probably was sadly the last thing that Brett Ratner actually spent his time and effort on filming, as the rest of the film just fucking felt rushed and wasted instead...

The one thing that truly felt missing in X3 was the old relationship we used to have between Wolverine and Professor X. While Xavier has always been overly protective and manipulative of Jean Grey (even in the original film, where he lied that she shouldn't use Cerebro), the Professor used to be nothing but a great mentor to Logan. And unfortunately, that dynamic was completely absent from this film, as if Brett Ratner refused to have his star badass be pussified by a bald man with an English accent...

Instead, he pussified him with Famke Janssen. The romantic garbage was stuffed down our throats between the two of them, even amongst their fucking teen angst glances in the woods as Wolverine was sent soaring amongst the trees, just for shits and giggles...

The final battle with Phoenix truly was epic in visual quality, as Jean Grey really did rip apart the entire fucking island as if it were almost nothing. Obviously, she could've blown away Wolverine too (yes, even his Adamantium) if she really wanted to, but some fucking part of her wanted to die... I know Wolverine couldn't have cured her, considering her mind probably wouldn't have allowed a dart or needle to get close enough to pierce to skin. But still, I expected something more out of those two than just "oh shit, forbidden love" Smallville looks between the both of them until Wolverine finally did what he did and plunged his three damn phallic blades into her sac. WTF?...

Then he held her in his arms as she smiled her last gasps for air. But wait, are we supposed to care? WTF?...

Yes, Wolverine in the comics really did kill Phoenix. But there was just no build-up to their final confrontation here in the film... Sure, I loved the special effects of Wolverine getting everything but his fucking underwear blown off by Jean Grey in the final bout from a special effects standpoint. And hell, even the music in that moment was pretty good...

It just felt so damn mechanical, so damn methodical. Almost like cold steel, really...

In my honest opinion, the original X-Men film was just like Star Wars: A New Hope. Rough around its edges, and perhaps a bit too slow to start. But it had real heart, it had real grit, it had Hans shooting first, and it had real characters. Real enough for us to give a damn about them...

X2 was just like Empire Strikes Back. Improved writing, better cast, some of the best battles and revelations of the series, and also probably the most epic feeling of the trilogy overall...

But yes, without a shadow cat of a doubt, X3 indeed was the Return of the Jedi of the goddam series. While still a good movie by itself, it just doesn't feel like it completes the series like the third in a trilogy should. Despite certain characters being killed off or "cured", it just doesn't feel like a worthy epilogue to the fucking best comic book movie franchise ever told...

But wait, wasn't X3 supposed to be The Last Stand? We're not supposed to get any more movies in the franchise, now are we?...

Well, tell that to George fucking Lucas if you want any conclusive proof of when a series is finished...

... and tell that to the fucking "$107 million opening weekend box office gross", while you're at it too...

Y2kk Update: - Alias: Reprisal / All the Time in the World and Lost: Live Together, Die Alone Season Finale Reviews (Spoilers...) -

But what the fuck kind of series finale did we get from the fucking writers? Reprisal and All the Time in the World were just so bad, that they were both hilariously funny in the end. WTF?...

So, let me get this straight. We've been hearing about the great Rambaldi's "endgame" for how long now, of the world being completely destroyed or some shit like that? And it all turned out to be some lameass prophecy of Irina selling nuclear ICBMs to Sloane? Was that it? Am I missing anything here? WTF?...

Okay, so maybe Rambaldi's endgame referred to something else. Was it the whole immortality thing with Sloane? How the fuck is one man finding Rambaldi's tomb and being dumbass enough to get stuck there forever, ever worth a fucking apocalypse prophecy that apparently all the secret organizations of the world have been worshipping and following for five hundred years? WTF?...

While Reprisal and All the Time in the World still managed to be better than Resident Evil Alias last year (yet both my friend and I cheered this year at the return of the evil Rambaldi red ball thingy this time around), I really have to stress that even for a series that I've hated for five years and running? The series finale was bad. Just plain fucking bad and embarrassing...

Okay, Michael Vaughn is still alive and living happily on the Winnipeg beach shores of who knows where. But was I the only one praying that DareDevil or Ben fucking Affleck would turn up to save the fucking day and steal away the bride? Seriously, last year when Vaughn got hit by a car and "died", I seriously was hoping that the "real" Michael Vaughn would turn out to be Ben Affleck himself, just to piss off the actor Vartan even more...

Did Vaughn do anything in the finale? Umm, he tagged along like a pussy-whipped lapdog, cuddling Sydney all along the way. But besides that, Reprisal and All the Time in the World were both just one big girl power trip of an episode... guess it was a fitting end to Alias afterall...

I mean, Tom died. WTF? And why the fuck should we care?... Who the fuck is Tom anyhew? A guy dumb enough to let himself blow up when most likely, he could've just sprayed the bomb with enough liquid nitrogen to get out of the subway system himself with just a few minor civilian casualties in the background? Instead, we're stuck with some god forsaken love soliloquy from a guy who never had a purpose on the show in the first place? WTF?...

His thing with The Cardinal and his wife went nowhere in the series. Obviously, the writers felt he wasn't worth a spin-off series, as he got absolutely the worst send-off in the history of season finales. WTF?...

And Dixon was there. Yay? He got a decent scene at the end for nostalgia's sakes, but he really has been invisible on the show ever since the first season on the show. Whatever. At least he got lines, unlike most series with a token black actor in it...

Marshall was just sort of there as well. Sure, the moments with his wife were cute, but it's sad to say that his wife of all people fucking overshadowed him in the fucking final episode... I don't even know the name of his wife. All I do know, is I remember her using her CIA and NSA skills to hack through Marshall's children book passwords in no time flat. It seems that even in the fucking series finale, Marshall and all his potential get wasted for more fucking female time on the show. Girl power wins again, I'm afraid...

Even as a hacker, Marshall has been misused and subdued all year long by having Rachel, the Jennifer Garner blonde-clone, on the team. I never understood why the writers introduced a character who a) not only looked smoking hot in Alias costumes, b) could kick ass and take names with the best of Sydney, but also could c) hack all the shit better than anybody but Marshall can. It was like she was the Jack (Bristow) of all trades, and the only explanation would be that the writers were hoping that the blonde bombshell would take the reins of a spin-off series in the future. But I for one never see that fucking happening...

What the fuck did Rachel do in the finale? If there was any proof that her character was a failure on the show, it was that her only memorable moment was placing a fucking goddam snake on motherfucking Amy Acker...

But why the fuck was her character so damn ignored in the finale? Sure, everyone's favourite Peyton at least got to go all badass by killing the 12 of the Prophet 5 (why not just call themselves Prophet 12 then?), then had a cute little field trip with Ted and Barney over in How I Met Your Mother...

Now, I could never buy Amy Acker as a villain, especially after seeing her as everyone's sweet-ass Fred in Angel for so many damn years (Illyria sucked, by the way). But I still loved her character in Alias, if only because of how fucking hot she was to me. And it was just a shame that her only real contribution in the finale was to get captured, break into tears during interrogation, and completely disappear from the show, all in the span of less than two minutes flat. WTF?...

... well, I guess she is "flat" indeed... but sigh, here's hoping that I get to see her again...

Sydney did it all in the series finale, much to my chagrin. She kicked ass, took names, played her usual Aliases, and then ran off into the sunset (literally) with her fucking ex-boyfriend in real life. God, Jennifer Garner must've loved to get over with the show already... And why not? She has such a fucking great movie career going for her, right? I was just stunned while witnessing as all the fucking flashbacks of Sydney's life kept ruining what little respectability the series still had, shaking my head at how cheesy and fucking sappy the whole childhood aspect of her memories ended up being...

I never gave a damn about Sydney's love affair with Michael Vaughn in the series, considering the two of them were always both so damn boring in the end. The series instead has always been about her family relationship with her father, mother, caretaker (Sloane), and to some extent, her sister (Mia Maestro was so fucking hot when she wanted to be...). And at least, the series finale of the show got a couple of those things right...

Sloane has always been the best character in the series. He was always the most deep, being a good man in his youth who became obsessed with faith in his dying years. Might as well just call him John fucking Locke for all we care... It made sense in the end, that his goal was to forever become immortal. It was also a fitting end, that he would be trapped with Rambaldi for eternity thanks to his former best friend and now arch-nemesis. That was probably the only one damn thing that the writers got right in the finale...

Well, I guess Jack Bristow had his fair share of moments as well. I knew he was going to die since the very first episode of the fucking series in the first place, and that it was only a matter of time until he did. I thought it was fitting however, at just how damn badass he was in sacrificing himself to ensure Sydney's and the world's safety. He was a proud man who refused to let even a entire spray of bullets keep him down, and he fucking blew himself up to fuck Sloane over for eternity just to prove it. Damn, the man suddenly became my hero...

Unfortunately, Bristow has been proven time and time again to be a pussy-whipped loser when it comes to his wife. Though quite frankly, Irina's presence in the finale just made no fucking sense whatsoever... Why the fuck was she here? To sell ICBMs to Sloane in exchange for immortality? And then she got into a fucking pathetic catfight with her daughter, only to fall to her death in what I assume was supposed to be a moment of irony?... Seriously, I don't get it. Did she have any real purpose whatsoever except to be killed off? WTF?...

And why the fuck did the writers have to kill off Nadia a few episodes ago? If there was ever an actress on the show who deserved a fucking spin-off series, it was Mia fucking Maestro...

Where the fuck was my true girl power action? Where the fuck was my Amy Acker on Mia Maestro magical moment, goddammit?...

Now, at least Sark returned for the series finale. He didn't do much besides squeal in pain from just a few fucking bullet shots, although I guess he never really was big into nuclear genocide enough to keep the codes all to himself... I never minded Sark. His fake English accent always gave the series some sort of respectability. I just felt that there was a hell of a lot more the writers could've done with his character in the fifth season of the show, and a hell of a lot more special guests from the past that they could've returned as well...

We got Sydney's old roommate back from the first season of the show, whatever the fuck her name was. But where the hell was Will? Shouldn't he at least been given one fucking second of screentime, considering the actor proved he was readily available in whatever else episode he appeared in this season?...

What about Lauren? Did she appear and I just missed it due to pure, sheer boredom?... oh wait, the season she was in completely sucked. We're meant to forget it ever happened. Nevermind...

But out of all people to forget, where the fuck was Eric? I'm sure the actor has nothing better to do than to appear in JJ Abrams shit. He got a token fat guy scene in Mission Impossible 3, and he was the fucking goddam pilot in the Lost pilot, for Christ's sakes. Why the fuck couldn't he just get back onto the one fucking show where he started it all in the first place? WTF?...

Because is it just me, or did the writers just seem completely lost in the series finale?...

The Rambaldi endgame made no sense. Almost none of the characters made any damn sense.

... which automatically makes sense in light of the past five years of the series...

... and makes it more than a fitting series finale for the goddam horrible show...

The series just makes no sense. And it makes no fucking sense why I continue to watch it. WTF?...

Live Together, Die Alone aired this past week. And while I do admit that it was one of the better episodes of the second season of the show, that doesn't mean it was a fucking good episode overall...

The episode featured Desmond, the crazy Scottish figure from Jack's past, reappearing in the series after seemingly vanishing in the second episode of the season. All the flashbacks were based on him, including a nice little timbit of Jack starting his running thing in the background of the stadium...

Desmond himself turned out to be a decent character in the end, and I wasn't quite expecting that. He could still turn out to be one of The Others in the end, but I now highly doubt that. Live Together, Die Alone seemed to identify him as just another casualty of whatever war is really going on out there, as perhaps his relationship with the father of the love of his life has something to do with whatever the fuck is going on in the show...

John Locke has been a wasted character on the series all season long, considering I don't give a damn about his faith or sudden lack thereof. I only caught bits and pieces of the "Pearl Hatch" episode, but just from what I saw, I instantly then knew that the main hatch was actually "real" to some extent. Why else would JJ Abrams spoil the beans so early in the season, unless it was all just to mindfuck the viewers of the series all over again?...

I gotta admit, even though I knew it would happen eventually, I still got a huge chuckle out of seeing the huge pile of "Pearl Hatch" documents just lying there doing nothing in the field... I mean, what's the definition of irony really? That the hatch that claims to be the monitor of a psychological experiment, actually turns out to be the psychology experiment itself? WTF?...

So it was basically concluded in Live Together, Die Alone that the island does seem to harness some sort of massive Jack O'Neill magnet. And as Eko probably theorized long ago, it was an electromagnetic "incident" on the island that caused the Oceanic Flight to crash down on the island in the first place. That was also the conclusion that I and a lot of other internet writers came to as soon as we noticed the electromagnetic phenomenon in the hatch, so excuse me if I think that the explanation of the plane crash turned out to be a little too simple in the end...

What still isn't explained, is why the fuck must the button be pressed every 108 minutes? Eko never questioned this, but Desmond did at one point, only to be cut off. Why the fuck can't they just make a batch file to automate the process? What is the point of the specific sequence of numbers they input? How is that connected to Hurley and his fucking winning lottery numbers? Why did Henry tell Locke long ago that he didn't press the execute button and nothing happened? And if rumours are correct and Desmond really is coming back to the series next year (which most likely means he ain't dead), why didn't somebody just turn the fucking emergency key in the basement a long time ago? WTF?...

Probably the biggest mindfuck of them all was the fact that we got reasonably conclusive proof (though not 100%) that Lost still takes place during the year 2004 and not the future. How else could Penelope (Desmond's past lover) be able to detect an electromagnetic disturbance for the second fucking time from a place like fucking Antarctica at the end? WTF?...

What the fuck kind of island are the survivors of Oceanic Flight on anyhew? I've heard the writers all claim that everything in Lost is at least "explainable" in terms of modern technology, but how the fuck do you really explain otherworldly cloaking devices and UFO-like electromagnetic shields without first stealing shit from my precious Star Trek and Stargate series?...

Is the island hidden in Antarctica? Because then General Jack O'Neill would definitely be impressed but not surprised at all by all the magnets, if the survivors really did crash land on fucking Atlantis of all islands...

Atlantis sort of makes sense, doesn't it? We have this storyline of Desmond being washed up on a far away land, much like Odysseus was in his journey of the Odyssey. Meanwhile, Penelope (the same name as Odysseus' wife in the Homer fable, by the way) still waits for him forever back at her place as she searches for the island herself...

If there was truly one massive brainfart of a mistake in Live Together, Die Alone? It was in Jack's and Sayid's plan... I mean, wasn't it obvious to everyone that Michael could've been lying as to where they were heading? Sayid should've been able to somehow track where the fuck that the group was going in the jungle. Instead, he just trusted Michael's word. WTF kind of lameass soldier is he in the end?...

Well, at least the Korean chick was cute on the boat, whatever her name was. Is it wrong for me to find Asian orgasmic morning sickness to be hot? I'm sure Gavin (sorry, "Jin") would agree with me... although it's still fucking weird for me to see him speak only Korean after hearing his perfect English in both Angel and 24 for God knows how many seasons...

Now, I don't know if Michael and Walt will ever be back on the show except in flashbacks, but I do know that if they ever do return to the island itself? Then either they are given a massive redemption storyline, or the fucking both of them should be just blown sky high out of the seas...

Probably the only good cliffhanger that the writers produced all season long was of Michael turning turn-coat and shooting both Anna-Lucia and Libby to free Henry Gale. The thing is though, at the time I thought he had both committed suicide afterwards, and that maybe he had shot Anna because he had been given specific orders to do so. Yet later, we learned that not only did he only shoot himself in the arm, but that he never had such orders to kill Anna? He just did it for the fucking hell's sake of things? WTF?...

Well, I guess that's one way of getting rid of two drunk driving divas in one scene. But even so, WTF?...

And as many predicted, Henry Gale did seem to turn out to be one of leaders of The Others in the end. It's good that the actor is returning as a regular next season, if only because he portrayal of Henry Gale has probably been the only good thing to happen on the series all season long...

It's obvious that The Others know a hell of a lot more about the island than we viewers probably ever will know. However, if the fact that they were surprised (or hurt?) just as much as the plane survivors were from the electromagnetic blast from the hatch means anything? It's that suddenly, chinks are showing in their armour... I mean, why else would they release Walt? Why did they claim they got more than they bargained for? Why was Henry even surprised that Kate could easily tell that The Others were just pretending to be Hillbilly Hicks for the hell of it?...

Viewers had a hell of a lot of conspiracy theories on what the fuck would happen in the finale. A lot of people speculated that the list of people that Michael would bring would actually be the ones who would turn out to be safe, and the people left at the camp would be the ones who would get fucked... None of this happened though, which was kind of anti-climactic to say the at least. The series finale was perhaps a little too straight forward for its own good, for lack of a better term. And hell, now we know that The Others don't even get to be Star Trek alien foreheads of the week anymore, if Sawyer's ET theory turns out to be a red herring as well...

Sawyer did nothing this episode. Sure, he had his turn to actually have shit to do in the season, by boning Anna Lucia and telling Jack about it later, but for the most part was invisible throughout the year... How did The Others know his real name though? There still hasn't been any explanation to their seemingly omnipotent knowledge. All we do know, is that Sawyer essentially got his ass kicked by a measly dart. Not very impressive, two years straight of being knocked out by The Others, that is...

Why was Hurley there? Didn't he realize that Michael's plan involving him in combat was absolutely the dumbest shit on the fact of the planet? Why didn't Hurley even ask Michael about why the fuck a fat man who has never shot a gun would be required for a rescue operation? WTF?... Still, I thought Hurley showed a lot of poise in how he handled Michael's confession in the middle of the episode. Libby died because of Michael's desperate bunglings, and yet Hurley just sat there disappointed in him. He didn't want revenge, he didn't want vengeance, but rather just wanted an explanation. Michael meanwhile, was too trigger happy as a fucking token black guy with a gun to dignify anyone with a response...

Kate was there to look hot. I guess Claire was too. They both were hot. Fuck Charlie and fuck Jack, I just want more scenes of Kate and Claire being fucking sweaty hot in the jungle sun... Bring fucking Amy Acker and Mia Maestro onto the show as well. The casting sheets are demanding two more females on the series next year. Is that too fucking much to ask?...

Wait, did Kate do anything in this episode? Besides look horny as hell while being tied up at the end, bondage style?... Something about a doll and a net and fucking Jack for the hell's sake of things, that's all I remember...

Jack would've been the hero of the story, if he wasn't dumbass enough to not only a) not notice that Michael was lying through his teeth, but also for b) not realizing he was nowhere near the fucking beach until it was too late. The doctor was just so moronic in not even letting Kate or Sawyer in on the whole plan with Sayid. How the fuck did he expect to con Michael into doing anything by himself, when he wasn't even bright enough to come up with a convincing lie about Michael's gun being completely empty on ammo?...

But even still, I guess the question still really remains, who is the true Jack of all trades? Who would win in a fight?...

Well, I guess at least now we know the fucking doctor would get knocked out by a bird that screams, "Hurley"... what a wuss...

He would probably also get his ass kicked by a foot with just four toes. Suck on them apples, bitch...

But either way, it's sad to think that the four toes revelation was probably the only thing that I really did give a damn about in Live Together, Die Another Day...

I mean seriously, what the fuck else did we learn? That the plane crashed near the South Pole due to a big honkin' magnet and ancient hieroglyphics on the hatch wall?...

And WTF was with the Russians or Icelandics or Brazilians or whatever sort of crap in the end?...

... which automatically makes complete sense in light of the past two years of the series...

... and makes the episode more than a fucking fitting season finale for the goddam horrible show...

Y2kk Update: - 24: Day 5: 5:00 am to 7:00 am Season Finale Review (Spoilers...) -

I've been fucking ill as hell with the flu for the past several days, so I really had nothing better to do than to go through the 24 DVD boxsets that I just recently bought on sale from HMV...

To be honest? I've always been highly critical of 24. I've always been a fan of episodic content over fucking constant cliffhanger bullshit, and I still hold the likes of the series partly responsible for the death knell of my own beloved crap like Star Trek: Enterprise...

It really speaks volumes about the quality of a season of television, when in my fucking fever-ridden delirium? I constantly kept waking up in the middle of the night wondering how the fuck I was going to help Jack Bauer get out of the next badass situation. I literally was dazed and confused as hell every fucking night with my waking dreams, thinking that I was being chased at CTU or some crazy shit like that...

... and oh right, I came all over Elisha Cuthbert's face as she was fighting the mountain lions... that was fun...

Unfortunately, the fifth season of the show has never, ever made me happily insane in the very same way...

A lot of fans have argued that the current season has been the absolute best of 24 since the first season of the show. I completely beg to differ, even though my opinion is a bit skewed from the fact that I never really cared about characters like Palmer and Tony until I finally watched the first season of the show (and I still don't care for Michelle... fucking nutty bitch...)...

The fifth season has just been almost a pure repeat of the second season of the show, with the fucking value of oil being the main reason why America is the fucking cause of its own terrorism. It's almost like the writers were too bored to go along with their own Chinese bullshit that they lined up at the end of last season, and decided to try to bring the ratings back up with more than less-than-subtle George Bush bashing on the show yet again...

Still, that wasn't much of a concern for me. It's not the political bullshit that I watch 24 for. It's the fact that Jack Bauer is absolutely the most badass, natural born killer on the face of the fucking planet that I now tune in every fucking week...

The season finale for the fifth season of the show started out with a real bang. Jack Bauer absolutely cleaned house in the Russian submarine, taking out evil generic Russians left and right, and going one on one with the very English-accented, Russian mastermind himself...

The real joy of the episode came when Christopher Henderson made a break for the submarine hatch after the silos were all said and done. It was dumbass as hell that a special forces agent like him would not even bother to check if there was even one fucking round in the chamber of his gun, but it was still goddam gratifying to see the way the badass went out...

... and then Jack Bauer laid merciless waste to the best villain on the show since Nina Myers...

The fifth season of the show however, dealt with Jack Bauer pretty much against George Bush. Or at least, the weasly President Logan who completely fits the George Bush bill of every 9/11 conspiracy theorist out there... The problem is, while that seems to entertain every liberal and Republican-hating fanatic in North America (and I have a hell of a lot of anecdotal evidence at least to back that claim up)? It just wasn't enough to satisfy little ol' me...

I do admit that season five has had perhaps the best pacing of the show since at least the second season. The writers had a tightly knit story (up until the United 93 rip-off and Bierko just suddenly re-becoming the random MWAHAHA villain of the week), and the plot revealed itself in an extremely well versed fashion over the course of two thirds of the year...

But alas, this season just didn't have enough action in it for me. Or at least, not enough of Jack Bauer kicking ass and taking names...

After taking two fucking wrench shots to the fucking head and snapping Bierko's neck in two without even blinking an eye, Jack Bauer and the 24 season finale just took a turn for the boring worst. The most action we got out of the rest of the episode was the lamest ever interrogation scene of the president, with Jack Bauer obviously not able to pull the trigger on who was supposedly the most powerful man on the face of the planet...

Of course, it became painfully obvious as soon as the camera focused on Logan's pen not just once but twice, that either Jack Bauer replaced the thing or attached a microtransmitter to get the brain-dead president to unwittingly confess his sins... I saw the whole thing coming from a mile away, but even I will admit that I thought it was a smart touch by the writers. It just can't compare to the absolutely amazing first season finale that I watched just the other day for the first time myself, that's all...

President Logan himself was probably the best non-combatant villain the series has ever had since Sherry fucking Palmer. He was already squirmy as hell as a true politician in season four, and his dealings with the "Bluetooth Gang" (as the internet so dubs them) in the fifth season of the show really reached out to every conspiracy fan on the face of the planet... The actor didn't exactly remind me of any president that I know of myself (perhaps except George Bush Sr, in some respects), but he definitely had that kind of smarmy charm to him that just made everyone scream for him to just get it over with when it came to his own fucking suicide...

I didn't think Logan really had any decent scenes in the season finale of the show, but at least I wasn't bored to tears from the moments he shared with his now-estranged wife. Obviously, the confession scene in the hanger was decent, if only because I was laughing my guts out at how dumb Logan must've been to not check his own shit for bugs and mics and shit like that...

But as the noname pervert? How the fuck could I not draw an extra sense of pleasure from the fucking seduction sex scene?...

But seriously, the couple gets undressed, has sex, and gets fully dressed again, all in the span of just four fucking minutes? WTF?...

No wonder Mrs. Logan didn't seem satisfied when it was all said and done. Talk about a fucking quickie...

I guess in those four fucking minutes of so-called eternity, she was thinking of precious Agent Aaron Pierce, now wasn't she? Meanwhile, Logan was riding her like a donkey and screaming, "I'm the President, bitch!" She should've been more appreciative of the moment...

It's a good thing that the writers didn't kill off Pierce this episode. I mean, I know Palmer got a new series to leave for (and his role was already being reduced in season four anyhew), but why the fuck did the show get rid of both Tony and Michelle?... In the end, the only original characters we have left are Pierce (the slow talking, hick badass counterpart to Jack Bauer) and fucking Mike the moron. I'm still the fan of both, but neither have been anything more than really background pieces in the series before...

Now we have characters like Bill Buchanan and Karen Hayes making sweet, old couple love. Uggh... Did they do anything in the season finale? I enjoyed the scene with the Attorney General to some degree, where all the old farts in the room perked their hearing aids up at the sound of Logan admitting murder. But really, were Bill and Karen in any other scene?... Couldn't the writers at least have brought Miles back into the equation? Now with the president gone, the guy has no power. Couldn't they have just decked the loser, shitted on his entrails, and be done for the day?...

Instead of Miles, they brought in Morris. I suppose he'll be a new character on the show next year, but I really don't give a shit about Chloe's ex-husband (except the fact that he has impeccable taste, hitting on the hottest woman at CTU right away)... I don't get what his purpose on the show was except to appease the fans. If anything, I think Star Trek transporting his way across LA all the way to CTU within ten minutes was one of the worst things the series could have done, ruining the mystique around him the same way that seeing Daphne's family in Frasier sort of did...

Chloe though is probably still the best computer geek in the history of television...

Sure, I'm a fan of the actress' constant constipated look. I think it would go great alongside Kreuk and Tom fucking Welling in Smallville, don't you know... But for the most part, in the fifth season finale at least? All Chloe did was stare at a monitor all day and boss around Morris. That was about it, and just didn't show the same kind of versatility and sort of loyalty that I've come to expect from the gal over the course of the fifth season of the show...

And not Jack Bauer versus Clark Kent from Smallville. Because that one is a no brainer, considering how brain-dead the latter may be...

Unfortunately, that will have to wait until the seventh season of the show (or both shows? Please say yes...), as we will probably get stuck with fucking more Audrey scenes in 24 than anything else in season fucking six...

I hate Audrey. I'm sorry, but she's useless... Her dad may be an old man badass, but Audrey is just a damsel in distress. A cute damsel in distress with fucking sweet ass titties, but a damsel nonetheless...

Either way, I'm praying that she was in on the whole Chinese thing at the end of the episode. I know it'd just essentially be a repeat of the Nina Myers situation, but I would love it if fucking Jack Bauer's lover turned out to be the true turncoat of the series...

But sigh, guess I shouldn't hold my breath and cross my fingers or whatever sort of crap...

In the end, the writers gave us the season ending that I think anyone who knows about the upcoming 24 movie should've saw coming a mile away... President Logan knew that the best way to get rid of Jack Bauer was to let his enemies know he was still around for the pickings, and so the Chinese came, punctual as ever...

But I wouldn't sweat it. I'm Chinese, and they do the same freighter shit to me all the time...

They're just gonna calmly talk over a cup of hot tea, that's all. With maybe some dim sum. Maybe some brainwashing. But that's about it...

And you just gotta admit my country-men are fucking badass, when they can kidnap the biggest badass on the face of the planet, drive all across LA to the shipping ports, beat Bauer within an inch of his life in the process, and set sail for Shanghai... all in the span of ten fucking minutes...

Yes, I know. We Chinese are known for our quickies. But hot damn, that's still damn impressive...

A lot of people are expecting a 24 movie to be set outside of LA, either in Asia or London. So for all we know, the sixth season of the show will start off with Jack Bauer back in LA, either completely brainwashed or just goddam back to normal after the events of the movie, fucking Kim Bauer like we all wished he did way back in the first season of the show (umm, sorry... that's my flu-ridden delirium talking again... nevermind...)...

And while the fifth season of the show (along with its finale) left much to be desired, in my honest opinion at least?...

The thing is, I still look back at the season finale of Charmed last year and simply shake my head at just how awful of a series finale it would've been... if the show hadn't been picked up again, that is...

The sixth season finale, where Chris first died in his father's arms before being cradled as a newborn, was not only probably the best season finale that Charmed ever did? It was also probably the only episode of Charmed that I have ever liked in the history of the fucking universe, and I still think it would've served as the best series finale the series could ever have hoped for...

Obviously, I was left a bit discontented by Forever Charmed. Not only was Prue completely left out of the picture (or pictures, literally), but the whole time travel trip felt like something out of a bad paradoxical Star Trek: Voyager episode than anything else... I mean, if Future Chris and Wyatt were coming back to the present, then wouldn't Leo at least hug his own children considering the last time he saw them, they were either a) dead in his arms, or b) really, really, ridiculously evil? WTF?...

On the other hand though? Forever Charmed was a hell of a lot better of a series finisher than last year's season finale ever was. And even though Charmed as a series has sucked on the whole, at least I can say here and now with certainty, that the last eight seasons of the show weren't completely tarnished and ruined by a single finale that didn't do it justice (Voyager, Enterprise and even Will and Grace, I'm looking at you...)...

All season long, the writers have been hyping up the "Ultimate Battle", as if it would actually have meaning. Yet the last villain on the show to ever have meaning to me, was Gideon with just how goddam giddy he was to pop baby Wyatt's bubble with a phallic knife... Suffice to say, I was disappointed that the ultimate battle in last week's episode merely consisted of some firecrackers, a burst of light, and Piper not giving a damn that Paige was left for dead. Thankfully, the battle was given just a bit more meaning here in Forever Charmed...

Now I will gladly admit that Billie is absolutely the dumbest goddam blonde I have ever met outside of a) Kimberly Bauer and b) real life. I mean, what the fuck kind of blonde dipshit, cleavage-totting moron decides to go on a killing spree as soon as she learns that some of her old friends and mentors were horny for their boyfriends? WTF?...

And yes, without a shadow of a doubt, Billie's black tears of mascara were absolutely the most retarded thing I've ever seen on television to date. I balled out laughing at just how hilarious it all was when she blew away her sister (does that sound good?). And I'm sure Forever Charmed will not garner any more support amongst all the Billie haters out there, for having a spinoff series with the fucking dumbass blonde...

But taken as a whole though? The Billie and Christy shit thing, while utterly stupid when you think about it logically, was at least a nice parallel to the message of the Charmed series as a whole... Charmed has always been about the bond between sisters and how they can affect your life in more ways than one can possibly imagine. Billie may have been so damn stupid that it literally hurts the brain to think about just how much she'd fit in with Kirsten Kreuk on another series, but I'd be lying if I said that having evil sisters on the show wasn't a nice way to tie everything together for the final season of the series...

A lot of the fans of the series have lately been calling for a spin-off series dealing with Chris and Wyatt in the future. While I seriously don't see how a series that takes place in 2030 can even remotely be taken seriously, I will admit here that it was a nice touch by the writers to bring these two back for one episode at least... Alas, they had absolutely almost zero interaction with the rest of the cast and crew, and I'm still peeved about that. But even the little things like the "Uncle Coop" line, or how the siblings were bickering over who was "kicking demon ass", helped remind me of why I enjoyed the sixth season finale so damn much...

And it's nice to know that the writers have just as much respect for Daryl, of course...

Ah, yes. The WB is up to its old tricks again, completely ignoring the token black guy of the series. Must every show on the bloody hell channel have their own goddam Pete Ross? WTF?...

So yeah, the old useless cop got the cold shoulder, along with Shannon Doherty (not that I can blame the prue-ducers much for that... Get it? Oh, nevermind...). But we got some more friendly faces around, like Grams and the Charmed mother herself (whatever the fuck her name was)... It was silly humour, I know. But seeing the young hipster mother try to get back with the husband she divorced and left for a whitelighter long before her death, was actually kind of stupidly entertaining for me. And even though I never followed the series in the earlier seasons (before the season where Prue died), it's still always great to see Grams...

To be honest? The highlight of the episode was when Grams was talking to young Piper, about how she was the only one who could keep her sisters from killing each other. It was such a simple touch, but it was definitely a nod to everything that the series have ever stood for... Holly Marie Combs have never really been the same on the series since she got pregnant with Chris (well, you know what I mean), but it was nice to see a warm smile from her once again. She really was the glue that kept the series together for eight long years, and you have to either love her or hate her for that...

Phoebe was mostly useless throughout the past two seasons, as her fucking kickboxing ways got way old long before Buffy the Vampire Slayer ever got kicked off the air. Phoebe's entire past two seasons have consisted of her either being a weakass bitch needing rescue, or a fucking pussy looking for love. And to be honest, I have not enjoyed her journey one damn bit into becoming pretty much a damsel in distress...

Of course, Alyssa Milano is still smokin' hot. Even after eight long years, she's still smokin' hot. So why the fuck would I care?...

I do care that Coup was shoved down our throats without any real reason whatsoever. I was hoping that he actually was a reincarnated Cole or something (another character who didn't even get a nod this episode), who perhaps was given a second chance thanks to what he did for Phoebe with Drake... Alas, either the producers couldn't get the actor back, or they never even thought of the Coup and Cole connection. So basically, Phoebe just gets married to the fucking generic, Mutant X boyfriend of the week in the most lunch-churning love romance ever. Wasupwidat?...

And Paige? Besides being the brunt of jokes when it came to her mother's affair, what the fuck was her purpose? To just stand there, pretend like Henry existed, and look pretty like a plastic doll for the camera like she always does?... Well, the actress never did like the series in the first place, often calling it childish in terms of acting. I couldn't agree more, and I'm sure she's happy now to get back to her so-called movie career (insert pity laugh here)...

The whole "Ultimate Battle" part of the show just plain sucked balls. I mean, since when have The Triad really been that much of a threat?...

And Forever Charmed really did need the two hour treatment like the sixth season finale got. There just wasn't enough time to put the same kind of raw emotion into each and every scene like they did two seasons ago...

But yeah, even if I do hate Charmed as a series on a whole? Now, my eyes didn't start tearing up with fucking black mascara or any shit like that when the photos on the wall were being shown, but I still did think it was a really nice touch...

Having all three of the sisters have three children each of their own was a very nice tribute...

And I don't know, but I just felt happy for Piper at the end. Not only did she finally get that daughter she always wanted?...

But yeah, she finally got the life she wanted. She was always kind of the housewife of the sisters, and it was great to see her live that life with Leo in the end...

I normally do hate the overly sappy endings that most season finales have. But after eight long (and often tortorous and labourous) years of goddam fucking Charmed? Hell, even I thought it just somehow felt appropriate, that the Halliwell Manor live on with Chris and Wyatt at the helm, and so many fucking rugrats running around the house...

So really, how do you spell Zankou? Because truth be told, I really do honestly suck at Scrabble...

And Charmed, in my honest opinion at least? Really did suck as a series on the whole...

Hell, even the "10 second" opening was ripped right out of the JJ Abrams playbook...

My brother for one though, was absolutely enthralled by the movie's introduction. He had never seen an action film that started out with quite literally such a mindfuck of a bang...

Oh dear God, have I ever experienced far too many fucking crappy Alias episodes that have started in the exact same fucking way...

The problem with Mission: Impossible III for me was that it was directed and eventually played out almost exactly like an episode of Alias would. And why wouldn't it, considering Mission Impossible was always one of the sources for the very show that eventually would star Jennifer Garner?...

Just like with every Alias episode, things start out decently in MI3 until the middle of the episode, where the plotline just falls apart once you realize there really ain't any plotline there whatsoever...

The first battle scene in Mission Impossible III was good, very good actually. I actually found it not only epic but also original, how helicopters were duking it out in European windfarm of a battlefield... And JJ Abrams was pretty clever there with the techno-tricks and all. All the sticky grenades, machine guns with fucking PC trackballs, and the ol' bomb in the head trick actually made for one hell of an opening bout...

The problem is, I've just seen it all before. Hell, didn't JJ Abrams just use that fucking bomb in the head thing in Alias just the other week? If anything, I thought the tech in Mission Impossible III was less advanced, less innovative and less interesting overall than the fucked up shit we get from Marshall every week in goddam Alias...

Goddammit, JJ Abrams even went so far as to replicate his success in Marshall with his fucking Scottish clone here in the film. Yet I'm just sorry, but lightning just doesn't strike twice (unless you're on the island of Lost, I suppose)...

There were just too many ridiculous moments in MI3 for me to actually give a serious recommendation for this film. Take the bridge battle for instance, where Tom Cruise armed with just a fucking HK GR36 (with one ammo clip, might I add) is able to fend off against a fucking fighter jet of all things. WTF?...

I wish there was some real suspense in that scene. And perhaps there was, considering Tom Cruise's little side-kicks looked to be potential cannon fodder in the battle... But as for the main stars of the film ever being in real peril? Considering this was all being directed by the man who tries his hardest to make Jennifer Garner into an immortal goddess of wigs, do I really expect anything different from Tom fucking Cruise?...

But like I said, my brother absolutely loved MI3, and that's probably because he's never experienced the JJ Abrams formula through Alias or Lost before. And to be honest, I do have to agree with him on some points, no matter how moot...

The Italian Job (or Vatican job here, really) was surprisingly well done. Sure, it was far less hi-tech in execution than whenever Sydney Bristow would steal a fucking briefcase from a loser villain of the week. But seeing Tom Cruise put a fucking still photograph in front of a fucking security camera had me entertained enough as is, as dumbass as it was...

But also the little clever moments, like Owen Davian being doubled in the washroom, were definitely more than welcome in this world where spy movies are now far and between. And besides, how the fuck can I possibly hate a scene that not only had a) a fucking hot Chinese bitch in a sexy dress, b) a fucking hot Italian car dressed in yellow, and c) the fucking hot Chinese bitch blowing up the Italian car in a fucking smokin' hot ball of fire? What the fuck is there to complain about?...

But you see? That scene was about the equivalent of the middle commercial break of Alias, before the rest of the episode just sort of starts falling downhill into a jumbled mess of absolute JJ Abrams shit...

I will admit here that I thought Brassels would be evil in the end. And to be honest? I felt cheated that he wasn't... Why bother bringing Morpheus of Matrix fame into the cast and crew, when the whole extent of his involvement would be a) boring speeches about pills (not that that's anything new to him), b) Tom Cruise stealing his patented Matrix air kicks near the end, and c) Neo going down the rabbit hole to get the goddam Rabbit's Foot? WTF?...

I really thought the Rabbit's Foot would've been used in the movie so much better than it was, yet all it turned out to be was just a fucking movie prop with a generic label on top. WTF?... It was a cool idea to have Tom Cruise swing from one building to another to get to the device in Shanghai, but why the fuck were we cheated out of all the action that happened between that moment and Ethan jumping out of the fucking building? For such a big budget film, I don't like being kept in the dark, as it just ends up feeling cheap...

I did think that Brassels was evil, I will admit that. But it was also goddam obvious to anyone (or should've been, at least) that Musgrave was in on the whole thing. Why else would. JJ Abrams make him seem so fucking dumbass when admitting he knew about the whole Vatican Job to the boss?...

I thought the two were working together or some shit like that, as it definitely seemed like Brassels gave Musgrave the green light to let Tom Cruise escape from IMF headquarters. But it turns out in the end, Brassels was just the patsy being set-up, and we were given the absolute worst MWAHAHA villain speech later on from Musgrave, that I think I've ever seen JJ Abrams direct before in his fucking life...

So, huh? Let me get this straight... Owen Davian is a fucking terrorist. He likes to collect weapons of mass destruction and pawn them off to the highest bidder. And Musgrave (working alone in his insanity, might I add) thinks he's George Bush or something, using Davian to locate who and where the weapons end up being sold to, and then sending in democracy to save the day? WTF?...

That's it? Just one fucking moronic IMF agent? That's the whole conspiracy? Who the fuck thought up this shit?...

The part that I couldn't stand the most though (besides Keri Russell being in the fucking film. WTF?), was the sappy moment that I could see coming from a mile away the moment that Julia was announced to be a nurse. I mean, you have the opening scene of Tom Cruise with a fucking bomb in his brain, and then the next you have the revelation that the only way to save him would be to kill him and bring him back. It sure as hell doesn't take a neuro-brain surgeon to realize what the fuck happens next...

I admit I was confused by the doubling of Julia. I should've seen it coming, considering we are talking about Mission Impossible here. But I'm man enough to admit that I was shocked to see Julia dead before Ethan's very eyes... When the truth was revealed, I was impressed by the script then and there. It was clever writing, and definitely did serve to be the best overall highlight of the film...

And then we got some bullshit scenes of her saving the day and her saving her fucking husband's life...

I mean, I hate Alias and I fucking can't stand Lost. Is it really any wonder than, that I'd hate the film that JJ Abrams even stuffed fucking Lost clues into the fucking end credits?...

Well, "hate" is not exactly the right term. I did enjoy the first half of the film, with the brilliant helicopter scene and a pretty nice con-job in the Vatican...

It's just that, the plotline of the fucking movie still wracks my fucking brain with its fucking stupidity...

Y2kk Update: - Smallville: Vessel small Smallville Season Finale Week in Review (Spoilers...) -

And sadly, my smile has almost absolutely nothing to do with the season finale episode of Vessel that aired yesterday...

"Lex with superpowers and a trenchcoat? WTF? Who the fuck does he think he is? Neo?... I half expected him to fly up into the air and into the screen at the end. WTF?"...

And, well... I just hope that the sixth season of Smallville turns out better than the fucking sequels to The Matrix did, that's all...

The thing is, yesterday's episode was a decent season finale. It just didn't come close to matching last year's cliffhanger, which introduced the Fortress of Solitude amongst a massive meteor shower of biblical proportions and Kryptonian origins, that's all...

I thought that this year's season finale of Smallville would at least introduce Zod. You know, the real Zod, not this fake Lex bullshit crap. I'm taking about The Wizard of Oz kind of guy behind the Fortress of Solitude and shit like that... Why else would the writers have casted Terrence Stamp as the voice of Jor'el right from the get go? Even though I've only glimpsed the original Superman movies in passing, even I found it completely odd and ironic that Terrence Stamp here was talking about Zod, without actually being Zod... or at least, not technically yet, he ain't...

Instead, we sort of got the showdown we all sort of wanted between Lex and Clark. And as Kevin Spacey may say?...

Sadly, I preferred the movie of the same name to the so-called epic battle we did get between the two former best friends. Afterall, Lex was a complete pussy here, getting tossed around like a Havoc engine rag doll despite his newfound superpowers. And the sad thing is, we all know that the reset button will be pressed eventually, and that he will completely forget everything that has happened as soon as Zod is removed from his body...

I choose to believe that Zod (or Jor'el, whatever you want to call him) in the Fortress of Solitude had tricked Clark into releasing his spirit. That old skool knife from horrible Smallville episodes long past finally made a return, and most likely would've released Zod whether Clark had used it as advertised on Lex or not. Why else would Fine be taking a gamble on Clark "sacrificing the vessel"?...

I don't get why Clark had to be the one to throw the knife though, even if his real father had designed it that way for some damn reason. Couldn't the BRAIN Inter-Active Construct just have stabbed himself in the fake heart, just for shits and giggles?... But I guess I was impressed with good ol' Milton Fine either way this episode, as he proved to be a pretty badass villain for perhaps the first real time in the entire season. His taunting of Clark when it came to his Lana fucking Lang love life was more than appropriate, and James Marsters just looked campy and ridiculously ridiculous as hell as the evil pilot flying Martha and Lois Lane to the Fortress of Solitude for whatever damn reason...

And it was about goddam time that a super-fucking computer AI from Krypton laid waste to our own primitive computer systems and shit like that. Although considering even Chloe of all people could hack through any of our security nets within five seconds flat? I guess it ain't so much of an achievement for Brainiac to go one step further...

I really hated the results of the supervirus on the cities of the world though. I mean, just a few hours into a motherfucking blackout, and riots start tearing apart with tear gas every single damn street? Where the fuck was I when the state of New York and my own province of Ontario had no power or computers for two fucking weeks a few summers ago, and yet the most violence I ever heard was a few tossed bottles here and there?... What the fuck was that shit going on in Vessel? Was it rape time when it came to Chloe laid out on her bare back in front of that rioting gang? Is this supposed to be fucking Resident Evil Smallville or some Alias season finale shit like that? WTF?...

In the meantime, I really, really ridiculously don't get what the writers are trying to prove with Lana Lang here. Not only did she dress as a pimply tramp all episode long (hell, wasn't that the same tank top that Buffy the Vampire Slayer used to wear all the time?), but then she blindly just tore away at Clark for relational shit while the world was being laid to waste? WTF?... How the fuck selfish can she really be? Was it actually supposed to be romantic, how she met with Lex on the rooftop Sleepless-in-Seattle style, while not giving one single damn about all the people getting fucking hurt and murdered down below?...

And the bitch doesn't even notice she's now making out with the supreme evil lord of the universe? She can't tell a difference? She doesn't even care? She thinks Zod is hot? WTF?...

You'd think with the movie history that Erica Durance has, she'd be the one slutting it up with every fucking guy on the show (and maybe she does, behind the scenes...). But on the show itself instead, the most that ever happens with her is the fact that her mouth never closes, as she pretty much said nothing but complete nonsense this whole episode through... There was absolutely no point to having either Martha Kent or Lois Lane in Vessel whatsoever, except as cliffhanger cannon fodder for whatever Brainiac (and perhaps even Lion-El) are planning for next season. The most I can surmise is that they'd be used as hostages to force Clark to release the real Zod... as in Terrence Stamp, whenever the actor is truly ready to kick ass and take names...

Chloe didn't have much to do, as you can't really do much hacking when all your fucking software tools just print out the word, "Zod". Still, I actually found her moment with Clark to be kinda cute, even moreso than the usual Chloe cleavage that we get... The kiss was a bit awkward, as can be expected, but was long overdue between the both of them. The way that Chloe kept gently stroking Clark's chin even after the moment was so damn heart-warming, and just so much more adorable than any so-called romantic shit that Lana fucking Lang ever pulled off...

What was hilarious though, was that despite how much Chloe was into Clark, staring hopelessly deep into his eyes? Clark just didn't give a damn about her, barely even holding her waist like a fucking blow-up doll of a prom date, while he kept eyeing the ring of the phone as if it was the target of his goddam teen angst...

I was disappointed in Tom Welling for the most part, as the most acting we got out of the guy was him staring delusionally at Lana Lang being a fucking bitch again. And what the fuck kind of moron keeps talking about murdering someone in the fucking news room of a goddam newspaper?... I was hoping for some sort of epic battle here in Vessel, yet my hopes were simply laid barren to waste. The most that happened here was Clark being too dumbass to even hold onto Lex as he was pulled into the Phantom Zone hourglass, and I actually cheered when the idiot was sent tumbling into deep space as the clueless son of a bitch he really is...

The guy deserves it, for trying to fuck over Lex Luthor while refusing to ever fuck Chloe Sullivan. WTF is wrong with him?...

Lex did his part in Vessel, proving to be the true villain of the story, even if he was a waste of space in the final battle itself. Well, I guess he was the villain, considering he did seem intent on pushing Clark to the limit with all his taunts and all... But then again, let's look at this from a logical point of view. Wasn't Clark going to kill an innocent man, as Lex technically hadn't done anything truly evil yet after getting his powers? Wasn't Clark really the sick freak who lies all the time, and stalks Lana Lang with his own fucking superpowers? Isn't Clark really the reason why the whole world was going down the shitter? Who really is the villain of the story then?...

I still have an itch of a feeling though, that Lex has just been brainwashed to think he's Zod for the time being. The real Zod should still be in the Fortress of Solitude, and I think that both Milton Fine and Lionel Luthor know this... I refuse to believe that John Glover's talents would be wasted on being a good guy. Now, it's possible that he's inhabited by the real spirit of Jor'el, sure. But I just find that completely unlikely, as he did technically kill Jonathan Kent (and threatened to do so long before, near the start of the season)...

Terrence Stamp must make an appearance on the show sometime, and I'm sure it will be kickass as hell when Lionel is by his side...

... or I can look like a complete fool when all my theories turn out to be wrong, but whatever...

In the end though, Vessel did what any good season finale of a series should do...

... and it left me waiting in anticipation, for whatever the cluster-fuck happens to Clark in the sixth season of the show...

Now, I was disappointed that Vessel was nowhere near as amazing of an experience as last year's season finale was...

... and I was also disappointed, that Clark never laid a beating on fucking Neo from The Matrix either, but that's besides the point...

The point is though, that at least this episode achieved one thing that Smallville as a series rarely ever does?...

It proved to be a fine vessel, for the spirit of the Superman comics to inhabit and be brought to life on screen...

But even so? Well, for the fifth season at least, that about wraps it up for Smallville...

... with my small Smallville weeks in review, the very moment that Smallville returns...

Y2kk Update: - Smallville: Oracle small Smallville Week in Review (Spoilers...) -

Apparently, my town was hit by an earthquake yesterday. And my own street intersection was apparently the fucking epicentre of it all...

It was around 10:40 am Thursday morning when I was just surfing the net (as if I had something better to do), and then heard a fucking large "thud" coming from the house. My first instinct was that my lumbering brother had haplessly fallen out of bed or some crap like that, so I checked on him. But nothing seemed out of the ordinary... except that he was drooling like a fool on the floor, as can be expected...

Apparently, a massive earthquake of magnitude 2.6 on the Richter Scale had impacted my house that Thursday morning...

But even though I miraculously survived and lived to tell the tale of it? That morning, even after the monumental event, I still never would've guessed that a fucking earthquake had actually hit...

"Jonathan Kent from beyond the grave orders Clark to avenge his death? WTF is this? Hamlet?... Because we all know, Smallville is anything but Shakespeare..."...

Oracle itself was a decent episode, as pretty much every fucking hour of the series that actually devotes itself to the Zod story arc turns out be. But seriously, how often do the writers even remember that they're fucking writing for the most legendary comic book character ever created? You can literally string together every single decent Superman moment in the entire Smallville series, and end up with a brilliant two hour movie in the end...

Without a shadow of a fucking doubt, most of the crap that would get left out on the cutting room floor involves Lana fucking Lang. And surprise surprise, it doesn't take an oracle to realize that she was the greatest goddam fault line of this goddam episode... I mean, why the fuck is she being so pissy? She's concerned about privacy in her dorm room, yet she shares the place with Chloe (Clark's friend), not to mention the fact that a) she's a whore, and b) her front door has a fucking huge gaping window in it? WTF?...

Lana was bitchy and clueless as hell in Oracle. Didn't she kind of realize that Lex playing around with a vaccine from an evil alien is perhaps not such a great idea, yet she seemed to just go completely along with the plan?... I was shocked in that scene that Lex actually seemed to have the intelligence to realize that Milton Fine was playing him for a fool. But I was anything but surprised, that Lana Lang in the meantime had no fucking idea what the fuck was going on... And later on, she doesn't even question a single fucking thing about what happened with Lex in the laboratory, yet continually just kept yammering on and on against her super-stalker of a boyfriend? WTF?...

And what was it that Lois Lane said? That Clark had dumped a "hot, smart, fun" chick or some shit like that?...

Sure, I wouldn't mind if Lane and Lana had fucking gotten it on. But since I didn't see a single fucking lesbian kiss? Then what the fuck was Lois thinking? WTF was that Lane bitch smoking?...

Lois Lane herself just sort of felt tacked onto this episode. She really had no defined role, as being Lana's gal-pal just didn't seem right. Since when did she ever go for "hot, smart, fun" chicks in the same mold as Lana in the first place? If anything, her description of a real woman was far more accurate when it came down to her own cousin, Chloe... Even Lois' big ol' Harley speech at the end just felt forced. We all know that she's the village bicycle that Clark (and everyone else) is waiting for, but did we really need a eye-rolling moment between the two when Clark actually admitted that she somehow knows him better than anyone else? It's like fucking Lana and Clark all over again with the piss poor writing all over the cave walls. WTF?...

And I felt bad for Ms. Chloe Sullivan this episode, I really did. Not only did she get doozy off of Lois' rum cake (which I assumed was her cousin's plan all along, considering she seemed really into "hot, smart, fun" chicks this episode around...), but her whole world was flipped upside down when it came to Lionel Luthor... I also don't get why the fuck Chloe was needed to flip the pages of all that Kryptonian crap that Lionel Luthor had written while in a headache of a trance. I mean, can't Clark just instinctively read Kryptonian? Why the fuck would it take a fucking massive computer algorithm just to point out three fucking letters written in FUCKING GODDAM ENGLISH?...

The thing is, we know he's possessed. I think the glowing white eyes thing and the magical touch of the hand at least points out that there's a goddam Goa'uld parasite inside of the guy...

But is he being controlled by Jor'el (the real Jor'el) or Zod? Is he really good or evil? Bah, hell if I know at this point... All I do know, is that I will be severely disappointed if Lionel Luthor turns out to be the saving grace of a father figure for Clark in the end. It'd be a complete cop-out of everything his character ever stood for during the past five years, and a complete waste of evil misdirection from the writers for the first half of the current season as well (for God's sake, he blackmailed Jonathan Kent until the man fucking died from beating Lionel's ass too much...)...

And it was too obvious in Oracle right from the start that Jonathan Kent was no ghost. What wasn't obvious, was why Clark was too fucking dumb to use his X-ray vision, superhearing or even his fucking superspeed and sight to notice that it was just fucking Milton Fine playing mind tricks with the fog of war... I did like some of the camera angles the director chose with shadowing and crap like that. But the WB has never had a problem with copying cheapass slasher films, but rather producing decent scripts with realistic characters that we actually do like...

As a result, Martha Kent was truly a dumbass bitch in Oracle. Not only did she pretty much admit that she has feelings for Lionel to her fucking deadass husband, but she never really once questioned why Jonathan would demand that Clark take Lionel's life?... Sure, I guess she was heart-broken that apparently Lionel had caused the death of her husband. But I just felt sorry for the actress, as she just waddled there with absolutely nothing to say as Lionel strolled right into the Kent residence and made up some fucking lameass excuse for why Pa Kent's heart went out...

Ma Kent just seems too much like a damsel in distress, or too much like a fucking helpless, tragic hero. Meanwhile, Clark is simply too fucking stupid to do anything but sit on his hands and procrastinate, even with a supervillain mad dashing about the globe with a fucking supervirus in his hands...

The series really could've done a lot more with this shapeshifting Brainiac. Still, at least we got a decent battle out of it all, even though Clark should've barely ever been intimidated by a flying fucking tractor of all things (except for the cost of replacing it, that is)... It was ridiculously moronic and unnecessary for Milton Fine to reappear just when Clark was actually going to kill Lionel Luthor for him. Of course, then logic overrides the AI and asks, why the hell couldn't Brainiac have just killed Lionel Luthor himself?... Was it because the entity possessing John Glover could kill Milton Fine with a single touch? Or was Milton Fine actually working for the man at hand?...

Well, at least we got a decent scene of Lex Luthor versus a T-1000. Apparently, the T-1000 always wins...

And Oracle indeed turned out to be a decent episode in the end, if only because it was a nice set-up for the season finale next week. I mean, I'm curious as to what the fuck really is controlling Lionel Luthor, I want to know what the fuck Brainiac is planning with the supervirus (most likely just as blackmail for Clark to release Zod though... uggh...), and of course, what the fuck was the purpose of the vaccine he pumped into Lex?...

A super serum of super semen? Was Lex Luthor modified to be zodified or some shit like that? WTF?...

Why the fuck couldn't the writers have just developed this kind of story arc over the entire fucking season? WTF?...

But if anything? Even though I do miss having Jonathan Kent on the show (although the actor himself seems to have more of a role in the series now that his character is dead, ironically...), I do admit that season five has been strengthened by his absence...

The baseball tickets here were a simple little gesture, but they really gave Tom Welling a chance to have real teen angst that a viewer like me can actually give a damn about. It was a touching parting gift from his father, a nice contrast to the rum cake and all, and if anything, it did deliver that fabled Lois and Clark scene in the end which apparently some on the internet actually liked...

I mean, kicking off one of the only decent actors on the show actually improved the quality of the series as a whole?...

And who the hell is willing to hedge their bets on the season finale for the year?...

Last year's finale for Smallville was decent, and I for one expect more of the same from Vessel this coming week...

But if anything, at the very least? This week, as a set-up for the only real story-arc in the series that matters?...

While still flawed, Oracle was indeed a solid epicentre for a Smallville episode on the whole...

Y2kk Update: - Smallville: Fade small Smallville Week in Review (Spoilers...) -

Then again, I really must've been disillusioned at the time. Because, when oh when, has Smallville ever provided even a single sigh of goddam relief?...

"Yet another Smallville stalker shower scene? WTF?... Either way though, I'd hit that. I'd hit that. I'd hit that. I'd hit that. I'd hit that..."

Because sadly? I pretty much equate Fade and its goddam Hitman scenario with how goddam awful all those fucking, goddam PSP commercials are on TV...

Seriously, why the hell did we get yet another standard fare freak of the week episode at this point in the season? And a dumbass one at that... Why did he just bury Clark outside of The Talon (where apparently there just happens to be a huge tuff of dirt that anyone can step on)? Why not take him for a ride in his car, and just shoot him in the fucking head?... And in the final bout with Lex? What kind of moronic hitman walks right into a room by opening the door himself, making it completely obvious when he entered and where the fuck he is. And then apparently was too damn dumbass to even duck from fucking bullet shots (as evidenced by a fucking wound to the goddam gut)? WTF?...

Well, it's not like Clark was any smarter. A battle of brilliant wits, this was not... I loved how it took forever for Clark to even think about using his super-hearing to track down the invisible hitman, let alone actually even attempt to use his fucking X-Ray vision. And why the fuck doesn't he just ever throw a fucking object at his enemy, just in case the guy has fucking kryptonite on him?... It was moronic at best how Clark and Chloe were openly discussing his meteor rock weakness in the Daily Planet, not just because a fucking invisible hitman can be a "fly on the wall", but also because there are fucking tons of reporters around them. What the fuck kind of dumbass people are they?...

Well, Chloe was decently cute again at least. And I kind of got the impression, that she was hoping that Clark would "move on" from Lana with her instead... Of course, that didn't amount to anything in the end. And at this late stage of the season? I seriously doubt we'll get anything between the two of them besides maybe a few "oh shit" looks, that will eventually get me to hate even Chloe cleavage as much as I despise Lana's fucking scrunched, constipated, Renee Zellwinger face...

Lana is the fucking whore you can hit over and over again inside, apparently. I love how she blames Clark for lying to her all the time, yet is dating the supreme evil asshole of Lex Luthor (who she knows has tried to fuck over the world in the past)... Didn't she completely avoid Lex last week? And yet now they're sucking face and probably going down together since she's obviously worn out all the batteries on her bunny-fanged vibrator? Talk about a fucking cock-tease of a schizophrenic rebound whore. WTF?...

I just couldn't help but fucking roll my eyes at just how "noble" she thought she was being with her "oh shit" Clark moments at the end of the episode. Yet, you know what the saddest thing was though? Being in a such bad mood myself while watching this episode, I kind of almost could relate to the bitch when she was bitching in the barn... Clark is like a sick stalker of a hitman when it comes to Lana, afterall. He left her, he dumped her. Sure he obviously cares about her still, but she's a "big titty girl" as Chloe might say (or not). She can make her own choices, failures and fucking misforgivings. And if she wants to date Lex, then that's her fucking whorish, horrible decision to make...

And you see? That's where the MWAHAHA hitman villain of the week went wrong. If he really wanted to help Clark, it wasn't Lex he should've fucked over with the fishes. It was Lana fucking Lang...

But then again, this was coming from the same moron who apparently was dumb enough to become visible again just to choke Lex Luthor, exposing his identity in the process. WTF?...

At least Lex Luthor had a few moments. The thing is, Michael Rosenbaum has always been a great actor. It's just that, the writing is so fucking all over the wall when it comes to his character, that it's simply goddam ridiculous... Smallville is absolutely schizophrenic. We all know that Lex is lying through his teeth most of the time, but he still seems mostly sincere about becoming friends with Clark again, and with protecting Lana from goddam fucking bullets (his one weakness, I suppose)...

... though I suppose the latter is what makes him evil in the eyes of most fans...

Sure, Lex can go off the edge at any moment, but he's actually trying to be nice and compassionate. Meanwhile, Clark keeps making the guy go fucking batshit, Batman insane. If anything, the fifth season of the show has shown that Lex has the potential to be a good man, yet assholes like Clark and Chloe just refuse to put any faith in the guy. WTF?...

Let's face it. Clark was a total complete dumbass in Fade, to the point where I pretty much saw him as the fucking true villain of the show... First, he saves the next great hitman from death. Then he saves the next fucking Hitler yet again by catching the bullet meant for Lex fucking Luthor... Even worse, he stopped the bullet that could've killed Lana fucking Lang. Sure, a true hero will save lives first and ask questions later. But what the fuck is wrong with the guy? Just fucking let Lana die already, and then we can all be happy...

He had some decent scenes with Lois in the end though, enough to salvage this episode somewhat, I suppose. Obviously, the stalker shower scene was cliche as hell, but even I snickered at Clark just standing there like a deer in the headlights at the fucking naked Lois Lane. I know I would've had the same reaction, as any fucking bitch on TV should've been smart enough to just put on a goddam towel...

I expected at least some more comedy at the end of the episode though, when Martha was lecturing Lois about the fine wine of men (as if Ms. Kent wasn't fucking whoring it up with Lionel Luthor in the background). I expected the ever cliche sitcom moment, of Clark coming in through the door right when Lois was saying she'd find the right man, only for her to tell the jackass to buzz off or some shit like that...

Like I said, that would've been cliche and predictable as hell. But it would've made me laugh still, you know?...

[c. visitors too bored to return...]
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