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Y2kk Update: Okay, I guess this wasn't exactly the smartest move on my behalf... I was desperate for one last game before final exams the other week, so looking in the used Xbox game section of the downtown store that I always go to, I saw too definite contenders... On the one hand, there was Rainbow Six 3, a game I'm sure I'd like if I'd only give it a chance, but... it was also a game I was already hating and spiting, all thanks to the mere fact that there is no 2 player co-op outside of Xbox Live or System Link (hell, I'd even choose Unreal 2 over this piece of crap, all thanks to that one fact alone)... and on the other hand?... There was Microsoft's / Fasa Studio's Crimson Skies: High Road to Revenge, a game that I was nervous about at first, considering I haven't enjoyed a plane fighter game since Star Fox 64... but I simply couldn't let this game just slide by me, if only because of all the stellar reviews that it was Alias garnering from place to place... So in essence, I did my impulse buy thing, picked up the last used copy of the game, and in my opinion, were all the Crimson Skies reviews dead on with their supposed, pinpoint accuracy?...

The only problem is, I don't. And when I tried this game in regular multiplayer just last week? The thing is, it was almost like Microsoft doesn't give a damn about offline multiplayer anymore... I mean, sure I can put most of the lack-of-fun blame on the fact that my brother and his friend royally sucked at the game, not to mention the fact that I still can't do barrel rolls or whatever kind of moves without getting really damn airsick (so I just choose to run around in circles basically...)... so obviously, considering none of us could really hit each other with anything but a random shot, regular dogfights in splitscreen mode wasn't exactly our cup of earl gray tea... But the thing is... immediately after we got bored of Crimson Skies multiplayer after just about fifteen minutes, we instantly went back to Mario Kart: Double Dash, and didn't get bored once while playing that for the rest of the night... maybe that was because we were used to the Mario Kart play mechanics from the original Mario Kart and Mario Kart 64, I don't know... but all I know is, one of the games we played that night was fun in multiplayer, and one of them wasn't...

That's not to say I don't like Crimson Skies. On the contrary... it simply took me quite a long while to get into the groove of things thanks to the tutorial known as the single player campaigns, thank you very much... now, I may still get airsick and quite possibly seasick from all those moves you do by clicking the right thumbstick (which for me, wasn't very good control-wise either, considering my finger kept slipping off the right analog whenever I swayed it left or right), but the thing that made single player fun on normal difficulty at least, was that I didn't need to do any of these fancy moves, really... It was just pure chicken fights in the air, and follow the leader with the boosts... and except for the final stages, I got away with it all by just upgrading the Devestator and the Brigand, and using as much money as I could on the repair stations mid-battle (which makes no logical sense in real life, mind you). And although I still don't get how there could be homing missiles, bullet proof zeps, and whirlwind producing turbines in the world of the 1930s, I still must admit, that all of these sci-fi features combined, pretty much made for a pretty decent single player ride to revenge... I mean, although it is kind of stupid how all I do is use the brakes, slowly fly around, and snipe targets at a distance these days, I also must admit... that sniping with the Brigand's tank-like guns is fun as hell, as long as you don't get sniped in the ass in the process...

And that's basically all there is to the game. It's such a quick and easy game to pick up (once you get past the fact that even tapping the right analog stick will make you feel dizzy at hell), that in single player mode at least, I sort of enjoyed it more than I even do Mario Kart... but the thing is... When I first picked up this game, I knew that I was picking up a game designed solely for crappy Xbox Live, and not for the single player experience... and I was perfectly fine with that. With final exams coming up for the term, I just wanted a game that was quick and easy to play, to Crimson tide me over whenever I feel like procrastinating... but not take up all my time like Zelda: the Wind Waker did to me during final exams last term... And while I was playing through Crimson Skies, I didn't mind one damn bit that all the stages were so linear, and that after only about ten hours of gameplay, I was already nearing the end finale... but the thing is... while I bought this game because it was short?... the thing is... when I had finally beaten the game, watched that atrocious ending, and when the end credits started barrel rolling on screen?... what couldn't I help but think?...

And dammit, now I want Prince of Persia, if only because this game didn't even tide me over for the bloody hell short time that I wanted it to... Sure, I'm playing it through a second time around now, on hard difficulty, only to find that there's a ton of bugs that are annoying me to hell now (for some odd reason, my plane now gets stuck in the middle of mountains for no apparent reason now... and the last time I played the Navajo titanium mine stage? I somehow got stuck inside that downed Navajo zeppelin, without any way to get out... and to make matters worse, the bloody hell game saved a checkpoint while I was still stuck inside the damn zep of all places...)... and, well... I still don't like the controls in this game either, as I never touch the right analog anymore out of fear that I'll spin out of control and out of mind... The plotline is this game is simple and cliche at best, with the cutscenes barely being worth your time to watch... There's also the little things in this game that annoy me, like the fact that if I try to skip the repair station movies while listening to someone talking in the background, it cuts the speaking off too, causing me to miss whatever the hell was said... I also hated the fact that it took me forever to find the warehouse to snipe switches at in Chicago, since they noticably left that place off of the waypoint map... And the graphics? While the graphics of the mountains, planes, and zeppelins are all damn beautiful, thanks to rampant bumpmapping everywhere on everything... and though I prefer the effects in Metroid Prime better, the effect of rain dropping on the game camera is pretty damn nice in Crimson Skies as well... still, the thing is... two of the most beautiful sights in life, the sunrise and sunset, somehow are completely ruined in this game.... because in my copy at least, for some odd reason, sunlight reflecting off the water's surface causes the whole damn screen to pixellate up, and I really can't explain why... And apparently, I heard that the soundtrack to this game was released as a CD in stores. And in response, I only have one comment: what soundtrack? There's like two friggin' songs in this game! And both are cheesy (but match the mood set by the cutscenes and plotline, at least)! Sure, the music is catchy at times, if only because you hear it a million times fold in the single player campaigns, but how the hell can the music in this game actually be considered?... I don't know... CD quality?... maybe EA Trax quality, but still... even that's a stretch, as insulting as that is to say...

But despite all my complaints, I still will admit that while Crimson Skies is nowhere as fun to me as all the online reviews claimed it would be, I still can't get enough of dogfighting in downtown Chicago, ramming my plane propeller first into that damn Navajo follow-the-leader guy, or simply flying as high as the skies will take me, until I have an almost unobstructed view of the celestial sky... the little touches in this game, the little bits of freedom that actually do last in this game, is what makes Crimson Skies: High Road to Revenge definitely worth a purchase... while some reviews were way off, claiming Crimson Skies was GTA3 in the skies, I will admit that it gives me a sense of freedom and free-falling that no flying game has ever accomplished that I can ever remember... and that includes the Star Foxes (naturally, since they're rail shooters), that includes that god-awful Panzer Dragoon Orta, and that even includes the news Star Wars: Rebel Strike game (who's flying mechanics feel downright stiff and primitive compared to those in Crimson Skies)... now, I may be disappointed that Crimson Skies didn't even satisfy my gaming obsession for one damn week, but still... it is still definitely one of the better games out for the Xbox, and as it stands right now, it's definitely my favourite flying game for this generation of consoles, at least...

... sniff sniff... a tearful sniff sniff, that had me at hello... because this is it... the very last Star Trek: Enterprise mini-review until the goddam next year... and while I was so hoping that this week's episode, Carpenter Street, would end up leaving a joyful yet perilous feeling in my gut, like Shockwave Part 1 sort of did long time ago, the sad thing is... the odds were definitely stacked against this episode, considering I've never ever liked a Star Trek episode were they travel to the far flung past... I mean, I only liked certain parts of First Contact, I absolutely hated TNG's Time's Arrow, I personally think Star Trek 4 is the worst Trek movie next to that bloody hell, awful Star Trek 5... and just the other week, I caught Voyager's Future's End or whatever hell episode name it was called, when a human timeship from the 29th century ends up in the hands of a 1996 tech sector billionaire... and considering I hated every single thing in that two parter episode, except for perhaps the doctor getting his portable emitter? Then certainly I wouldn't like Carpenter Street, right? A time traveling episode that didn't even have the decency to be a November Sweeps, two-parter episode... and the thing is...

There was only one moment in it that I truly enjoyed... the human, vile villain certainly had his moments, not caring about terrorism as long as he gets paid, and eating like a slob in the company of a woman as fine as T'Pol... but definitely the very best thing he did this episode, was picking on a poor man in a wheelchair... that definitely pitted him as one of the best damn villains in Enterprise history, since we've all gotten far too used to fascist Romulans and overbadgering Klingons by this time and date... But the rest of the episode? Let's run down the list of characters in it... Mayweather was missing. No difference there... but it was sure as hell weird that Hoshi, Phlox, and Malcolm didn't even show up once in this episode, unless my memory is playing tricks on me... And Trip? Although I liked his reaction to why Archer and T'Pol entered the room, only to leave a second later with the Xindi bioweapon, the thing is... he didn't have anything to do either... Hell, even Porthos had more to do than he did, which kind of left me feeling empty, considering I wanted some sort of emotional follow-up to what happened to Trip last episode...

As for T'Pol, her only real character development was perhaps finally believing in time travel, as she pretty much stopped talking about the impossibilities of it by the time they started trying to steal cars. I guess she also got a taste of how humanity has truly evolved in the past century, as I think she was subtlely comparing to humans she's fallen in love with on Enterprise, to the evil man she was being forced to ride around with this episode... She also got to kick some ass with the Vulcan Nerve Pinch and stuff, plus she didn't really care about that non-interference crap when she brandished her phase pistol, but besides that? She was just an action hero this episode... and so was Archer, pretty much... Now, although I liked the idea that the Xindi were taking human blood samples for their bioweapon, the thing is, how the hell did they get to the past? And what's stopping them from sending more men to the past to simply wipe us out with our own nuclear weapons or something?... time travel paradoxes and time travel stupidities often get the best of me, which is sort of why I've always liked Daniels... because he never hides the fact that time travel is messed up. In fact, he loves messing with our heads even more, and with Archer's especially... I mean, I loved the scene where Archer tried to go medieval on Daniel's ass for abandoning him to the Xindi war. And while it doesn't make clear sense to me why changes in timelines must ripple up to the 29th century (when they can just scan time, mind you), it does make for one engrossing idea: that either Daniels is lying, or since the Xindi conflict was never supposed to happen, that there's a chance humanity actually may get destroyed... if this wasn't a TV show, that is... And as for Archer in the year 2004? His little moments, like stealing from an ATM machine, were actually pretty fun to watch. But while I wouldn't want a comedic episode in the vein of Star Trek 4, I was hoping for more references to how clueless 22nd century people are to 20th century earth technology, if only to make the episode feel more alive than that stupid Millennium Mars episode did on Voyager...

And for the rest of the episode, Archer and T'Pol just ran around, picking on the Xindi and making up some technobabble along the way in a highly forgettable rooftop chase scene... While I enjoyed some of the action (like the human villain trying to betray T'Pol), for the most part, it was just shoot and click with phase pistols, which bugged me to hell, because why wouldn't the Xindi just set his weapon to blow up whatever T'Pol was hiding behind?... but anyhew, even though Carpenter Street was not the overjoyous episode I was hoping it would be, it was still above average for a time travel episode if you ask me... though that's not saying much, I'm afraid... and I'm afraid, Enterprise won't get a chance to redeem itself in my eyes, not until January finally rolls around the corner... long after my bloody hell final exams, that is...

Y2kk Update: Goddammit, I saw it all coming... I was preparing myself for the inevitable backlash, because the Mario Kart series has definitely been one where the only true cc constant is controversy... I mean, one part of the internet absolutely, vehemently, Simon Belmontly loathed Mario Kart 64, claiming that it was an atrocious insult to the carefully crafted weapon balance of the first and original, Super Mario Kart. But the other half of the internet, myself definitely included?... I absolutely loved Mario Kart 64 with all my brave heart and Mel Gibson passions. I loved the wider tracks, the more destructive weapons, and hell, I even loved the so-called "rubberband AI", since it provided me with much more of a challenge than Super Mario Kart ever did (plus, the AI was still rather easy to beat, so co-op games were still always essentially between my brother and I, with the AI always picking on me of course...)... but alas, not everyone agreed with me, I knew... if memory serves me right, I do believe that it was that ol', trusty, crusty of a clown, Gamespot that reportedly sentenced Mario Kart 64 to an eternally woeful, Edgar Allen Poe, score of just 6.4 (although people seem to refer more to the "dreaded 6.8" that Gamespot initially gave to Shenmue, but I digress...)... so obviously, I knew the newest addition to the Mario Kart cc classes, Mario Kart: Double Dash for the Gamecube, certainly wouldn't be embraced with love or Love Actually by Gamespot, at least not initially... not until the inevitable, Shenmuish backlash... but the thing is...

I never expected the same, goddam thing from bloody hell IGN of all places!... the same damn site that scored both Blinx and Wreckless for the Xbox a couple of goddam 9s out of 10...

Although... I mean... I guess I should've expected as much... Remember way back at E3 2003? Both IGN and Gamespot absolutely tore into the early builds of Mario Kart: Double Dash, making headlines with their claims that the game chugs along too damn slowly, that the powerslide had been completely taken out, and even that the karts completely didn't handle well what-so-fucking ever!... and while Gamespot sort of subtlely silenced themselves when in later interviews, Nintendo admitted that they all the above were simply left out of the E3 build because they weren't fully implemented yet, IGN continued to bash the game inside and out, even claiming that the newer build of Double Dash that they got later (which PlanetGamecube and even Gamespot admitted ran faster in 150cc than Mario Kart 64 did) was only a "little" bit faster than the E3 build of the goddam game... But still, I had my hopes up high for IGN... I mean, sure I knew there would be some face to save for themselves when the newest Mario Kart game would finally have to be reviewed. I mean, they bloody hell couldn't give the game a 9, right? Considering it'd make them look like over presumptuous, fat ass jackasses, for ruining all the hype for this game with their earlier, eerie, scathing, unjustifiably wrongful previews... but still, considering this was bloody hell IGN, the site that's known to score mediocre games or even medical games a score like bloody hell eight out of ten, I was still hoping that IGN would suck in their pride and simply give Mario Kart a decent score, one that it deserves, between 8.5 and 8.9 at least... and, well... then I saw a posting on a forum of the latest review to come out of IGN Cube... reviewed by "Fran"... and backed up by bloody hell "Matt" of IGN...

They fucking give Project Gotham Racing 2 a score of 9 out of 10, and yet they wouldn't even, fucking give Mario Kart a goddam 8?... I don't care what the little disclaimer at IGN says, claiming that a score of "5 out of 10" means a game is fucking average and enjoyable... Because honestly, fuck them! Just fucking take a look at Xbox IGN or Cube IGN, take all the review scores they've dished out for the past goddam year, and fucking take an average of them with a goddam calculator, and what do you fucking get? How can their goddam average score of a game be 5, when the real goddam average according to actual goddam math is like a frickin' 7 or 8, thanks to all those fucking 9s they gave to bloody hell games like Blinx?!... I mean, WTF?!?... Now, I don't goddam care what Fran said to try to goddam justify his Double Dash score, although I remember Matt IGN claiming he thought a 7.9 was TOO generous for the game... because goddammit, Fran's review was just a bunch of bullshit, making Mario Kart sound awful, simply because it's a rehash. And yet practically the next day, what do I see from Fran again, but a score of over 9 for the latest Tony Hawk Pro Skater game, even though Fran admitted in the review that it wasn't very different from all four previous incarnations?... I mean, seriously, WHAT THE FUCK?!?... I know I'm overreacting over a piddly little review, but honestly, what the fuck is IGN's problem? Either they were trying to save face for their E3 impressions that were completely proven wrong later on (except for claiming that Mario Kart jumping had been completely removed), or Fran has simply outgrown Nintendo games and shouldn't be writing for Cube IGN anymore, considering his entire Double Dash review seemed laced with criticisms that the game was simply too damn kiddie, even for a Mario Kart game... especially for a Mario Kart game, as illogical as that sounds...

... and heh... there's also one more possibility... The thing was, until someone on a forum, demanding Fran's resignation, declared the reason that, "Fran's probably just pissed because no-one can tell that he's a man rather than a woman"... well?... heh... I thought Fran was a woman as well... guess Fran's got another reason to give games I love even lower goddam marks, if only to give a man like me a rise... but, um... I digress, since that doesn't sound too good anymore... but that's besides the point... ahem...

Because the fact of the matter is, reviews be damned, I loved Mario Kart 64. And even both though the 7.9 given from IGN, and the ironically identical 7.9 given from Gamespot, were truly starting to scare me, that all the negative impressions of the game from E3 were dead right on... well?... When I bought my brother Mario Kart: Double Dash as a very early Christmas present the other week, even though I admit, my first impressions of the game weren't nearly as positive as they were for Mario Kart 64... the thing is... as soon as I got past 50cc and started actually racing for real against 100cc and 150cc opponents?... My God, I swear to fucking God... Mario Kart: Double Dash is potentially the best damn Mario Kart game, or even the best damn racing game, that I've ever played in my life!... Now, obviously, the game has it's flaws. First things first, except for a select few tracks in the Star and Special Cups, many of the stages were bland as hell at first. After playing through all the cups on 150cc and Mirror Mode however, they're starting to grow on me, as even that Dry Dry Desert stage that I hated at first was starting to be fun as hell in multiplayer (except when my brother pushes me into the quicksand gorge, at least...), and the oval Baby Park is one of the best damn stages to play with three other players mounting the Gamecube controllers as gun turrets... But even though the tracks are starting to grow on me, the music still hasn't. Now, that's not much of a problem, however - unlike Fzero, Mario Kart was never really known for its catchy tunes, except for maybe the original Rainbow Road and Bowser's Castle in the N64 game. And in all honesty, those two tracks are also the only tracks in Double Dash with tunes that I hum during the day when I'm not at my Gamecube. I certainly still wish Mario Kart would get as classic music as Mario 64 or Ocarina of Time had, but not even the original Super Mario Kart was about the show tunes, so how can I really complain?... and lastly, I hate to call this a problem, since it all honesty and reviewer travesty, 150cc mode in Double Dash is already faster than 150cc mode ever was in Mario Kart 64 for the most part... it's just that, in the 64 version, certain tracks like Bowser's Castle made it feel like you were traveling at 250cc or some Fzero lightning crap like that, and none of that was found in the latest Mario Kart. Although 150cc is almost the perfect speed for kart racing in Double Dash, it would've been nice if Mirror Mode had faster speeds, or if a 200cc mode was included... but that's such an infinitesimal complaint, considering Double Dash chugs along at more than triple the pace than the original Super Mario Kart ever did, so who am I to be a Fran and whine like the no-name whiner?...

And why bother with all the minor gripes with grips and complaints like certain internet game reviewers do (I'm not fingering anyone... but let's just say, "F-U-ran"... but I digress...), when Mario Kart: Double Dash is one of the damn funnest games I've played all damn year... and goddammit, it's been a pretty damn good year in terms of gaming too! Pretty damn stiff competition, I might add... Now, this was my greatest complaint with Fzero GX, simply because it's my greatest praise of the Mario Kart series: I will most likely NOT buy a racing game, if it doesn't fucking have at least two-player co-op!... I've played countless hours of 150cc racing against my brother and the computer in SMK and MK64, and I see no damn reason why that tradition won't live on with Double Dash. Because goddammit, I know the internet is blaming Nintendo for not improving the Mario Kart Battle Mode (although shine theft was pretty damn fun the other night when I was playing with my brother's friends... I mean, WTF? I lost the shine with just 0.5 seconds left on the clock! Wasupwidat?!?...), but goddammit, I was never a fan of Battle Mode in the first place. I was always in love with co-op, and goddammit, that's exactly what Nintendo improved the most in this game! The other night, I was playing four player co-op, with myself as the backseat driver to my brother, and my cousins manning the second kart. And goddammit, although my cousins couldn't exactly keep up in the All Cups mode 150cc, I will damn well admit that this was the best damn multiplayer experience we've had since we first discovered how to wallop a million monkeys with shotguns in Timesplitters 2... And for Christ's sakes, when my brother got his friends over for some co-op action the other week, I actually embarrassed myself to hell by constantly goddam swearing with the f-word every single damn time they knocked me off the course with a blue shell or something! I mean, I know I use the F-word way too much in even reviews of "kiddie" games (like this one), but I never ever swear in real life unless I'm really goddam disappointed or embarrassed... and goddammit, the profanities were flying just the other damn night! I know that may mean nothing to you few reviewers out there, but it sure as hell means a hell of a lot to me. Because Mario Kart: Double Dash was a game that was so damn fun, that I was so damn into the game, that I was trying as hell to be competitive. And that's a feeling that no other game in recent memory, not even Halo, has managed to get out of me...

Is Mario Kart: Double Dash a perfect game? Not exactly... I've already mentioned a wealth of problems, without even mentioning the hassles of LAN play (although the random track and car selection will definitely help speed along games when tunneling software enables Mario Kart to go online). But dammit, I know the new AI and driving mechanics have split the internet into half and half again, just like it did with Mario Kart 64. But once again, in my eyes at least, Nintendo has truly struck 150cc gold... Cars handle so much better in Mario Kart: Double Dash than they did in any Mario Kart game next to the original! And in a sense, they handle too well, as I often can get away with winning 150cc races with lightweight racers without even doing a single mini-turbo while powersliding... But the powerslide itself? Yes, I miss all the jumping I used to do in previous Mario Kart games, but because the jump was eliminated, I can actually powerslide on straightaways much better than I ever could before, opening up new possibilities of beating all those damn track ghosts... And the simple fact that you don't lose much speed anymore when grazing walls or getting hit by green shells, speeds the game up to an almost feverous, arcade pace! I can't stress enough how damn freaked out I get everytime I'm in first place, followed closely by second, and I see five green shells just double dashing all over the place...

And as for the two racers on one kart idea? I know that to IGN and most of the internet, this was simply a gimmick to make the game look like it offered something new. But to me? I've already mentioned how damn fun co-op is with one person manning the wheels, and the other manning the cannon... But even in single player, the addition of constantly managing your weapons between two racers, adds an element of balance that truly engrosses me in the goddam gameplay. I mean, I sort of miss the fact that you could cheaply hold weapons behind your kart in MK64, but thanks to the two weapon system in Double Dash, I truly now appreciate the ability to store a banana or a green shell in the back, to fire at any incoming green or red shells (now that I can do it without hitting myself off the road, thank you very much...). And while at first it was damn annoying to lose your items when you get hit by an obstacle or a special weapon (and by the way, for the most part, I love all the special weapons in the game, although some characters don't get them nearly enough when leading at the front of a race), I will now admit that all the item losing sure as hell leads to some absolutely great strategies in the last lap of the race, where you try to hit as many stray starmen and mushrooms as possible, just lying flat on their backs on the road, to try to make it through every single damn shortcut in the stages as you can (and when I can't make it? That's when I definitely swear words that make Baby Jesus or Mario cry...)... And the AI? While some on the internet are chastising it for cheating with "rubberbandness" yet again, I will attest that although the AI is much harder in Double Dash than it was in Mario Kart 64, I will simply say that it's "cheap", but it does not really cheat. Sure, computer Bowser seems to have far too much acceleration in 150cc for a heavyweight, but the main complaint of most Mario Kart losers, is that they get walloped with blue shells and red shells, always at the finish line... and the thing is... They say tomato, I say... um... tomato... because that's one of the things I love most about this game! When I'm in first, I save as many weapons as I can to block everything from lightning bolts to triple red shells. When I'm not in first? My God, it's so damn satisfying to see a blue shell fly right overtop of me that it's not even funny... And even without my brother for co-op, without much trouble, I've still gone through every single cup on every cc with a gold (and often maximum points, after a few tries), except for All Cups Mode in Mirror Mode, simply because I don't want to completely clear the game since it belongs to my brother... The AI may be cheap in this game. But honestly, if you were in their position, second or last place, wouldn't you fire that blue shell up someone's ass, just for a sweet bit of I'm-Lovin'-It revenge?... the lure of the dark side is indeed difficult to resist...

And that's what I love about Mario Kart: Double Dash... forget all about the nitpicking and all the goddam complaints that the internet always has with the new generation of "kiddie" games such as this one... Forget the fact that Fran of IGN simply couldn't see past the fact that there's a reason why we all love Mario Kart in some form or another, and it has nothing to do with Super Smash Bros Melee type unlimited unlockables, or complex, tricky trick systems like SSX3... No, not at all. What Fran forgot all about in his review, was the fact that there was a reason, why Mario Kart has always been fun in the first place. There's a reason why we all can't get enough of battling it out, four player mode, at the stroke of bloody hell midnight, or racing against the clock to beat the damn hardest ghosts in time trial mode, powersliding through every single damn corner that we can make... There's a damn good reason why my cousins, as young as five years old, cherish the entire Mario Kart series as damn much as I do at 21 fucking years of age... And hell's bells, there's a reason why Nintendo didn't change the Mario Kart series nearly as much as Fran of IGN was demanding the games to change... because the thing is, if you add all the tricks of the trade... if add all the unlockables, all the extra "depth" that people of this day and age always endlessly demand... and if you add all the extra graphical tweaks over here and all the CG story mode hooplah over there... then, well?... If you're lucky, you get a game that's just as damn fun as the original, but with a whole lot more (as Super Smash Bros Melee proved to me, although some hate the game with a passion)... but what if you're not lucky? Why goddam mess with success? Why goddam mess with love? Why goddam screw up a perfectly beautiful game, when all we ever really wanted was to duke it all out, day and night, at 60 fps without a hitch in the framerates?... Sure, if I worked at IGN, even I would dock some marks for lack of originality in the Mario Kart series, which was why I was expecting a score between 8.5 and 9... and I realize that no-one really wants to read a glowing, positive review (though scathing ones are far more painful to read through... unless you're the one writing it, thinking it's humourous as hell...)... but honestly... to not even give one of the games of the year a score of 8, when fucking, unoriginal Socom 2 (no matter how good the game is) scores one of the highest marks of this goddam generation?...

... well, it seems that Fran, or simply the entirety of Cube IGN, has simply forgotten... or simply lost in the Dry Dry sands of time... what makes a game addicting in the first place... They're simply too shrink wrapped in their own technical checklists and opportunistic, journalist impartialities, to ever once again realize and fondly remember... that whether you like the game or not, there's a reason why millions of others do... and to not even consider those reasons? To not even acknowledge them in a review to be read around and across the entire world?... well then... I'm sorry, but something there just doesn't sound very objective about that... something there, just doesn't sound very fun about that...

Y2kk Update: Short story short... ploo on me... I was all set and ready to write my own Mario Kart: Double Dash review tonight... otherwise I would've written all my Smallville, Angel, and Enterprise reviews a day or two earlier rather than waiting to open the damn game... But ploo on you too, I guess, whatever the hell that's supposed to mean. Because I expected to be done with Mario Kart: Double Dash by now, in time for my reviews... meaning, I expected to run through the game as quickly as I did Mario Kart 64... and suffice to say, it's not the difficulty of the game that's preventing me from finishing it... it's just that... I'd feel guilty if I beat the whole game without my brother playing by my side (plus, I'd probably suck at the game if it wasn't for co-op...)... You see, I don't normally like to review games that I haven't at least "beaten" yet (though 100% completion doesn't really matter for impressions), unless the game royally sucks ass, like most Dreamcast and Xbox games sure as hell do... And the thing is... yeah, I admit it. I was mad at my brother the other day when he admitted he didn't have the cash to buy Mario Kart for the Gamecube. I was half pissed that I'd have to pay for the game myself, especially after all these past months of him promising that he'd buy it... and I was half pissed too, that if I bought the game, I'd be breaking tradition, since every Mario Kart game we've ever bought has always been his... So what did I do? Even though it's a little damn early for presents, I gave Mario Kart: Double Dash to my brother for Christmas... so obviously, I'd hate to be the one who plays through the game first all the freakin' time... otherwise I'd probably already be done with 150cc Mirror Mode by now... unless I do suck at the game by my lonesome self...

But anyhew, I've rambled enough about a game I'm going to review in a couple days anyhew. So now it's on to the only thing you dear readers ever do care about!... That's right! It's finally time for the small, Smallville, week in review! It's time for sadly, the very last small Smallville week in review until the end of the Holiday season hiatus... So if you feel like you're going to go through some IvanFian small Smallville review withdrawal over the next month or so, make sure to copy and paste this report on "Shattered" or "Shattered Balls" or whatever the hell the episode was called, onto your desktop as a holy prism of a psalm of a prophetic background... because here we go!...

"... umm... Lana just got her ass handed to her... by a horse?!... umm... I know this sounds cruel of me, but...

Truth be told, I was actually looking forward to William Shattnered, if that is what the episode was actually called. Unfortunately for me though, now that the first half of the Smallville season is finally finished, the only episode that I even remotely liked will have to stay the Perry White episode. And the only Smallville moment that I still rather enjoy, was the sight of that cocky, Clark bastard finally getting what he deserved with a kryptonite bullet to the chest (but why the hell wouldn't the damn guy aim for the face?... one can only dream...)... But Shattered? First of all, not getting Morgan Edge's old actor back was pretty inexcusable. Sure, it would've made sense if Lex was actually seeing things that weren't there, but since that wasn't the case? Then hearing Edge with a completely new voice and seeing him with a completely different body build just didn't work the same wonders as it did in Batman the Movie, I'm afraid... or even the Simpsons, when Lisa got braces... And as for the plotline of the episode, although it was interesting how Lionel was setting up his son for madness so that he could get away with the murder of his own parents, the fact of the matter is... I don't know... if this were Enterprise, I would've loved the plot-twists and all the twitchy necks... but since this is Smallville?

... heh... the look on Clark's face when Lana told him he was too dangerous to be around (even though it was Lex who was the dangerous one this time)?...

And, umm... okay, guess I finally got that out of my system (and trust me... ask my friend who was talking to me on the phone through this episode... he'll confirm that both of the above are actual IvanFian quotes from watching the episode... sadly enough...)... But what I can't really get out of my system, is how I was so damn looking forward to "Destiny", this week's episode of Angel, and unfortunately for me, I was let down by a Whedon flashback episode for the first time that I could ever remember... One of the reasons was simply the fact that Druscilla, for the second time in a row (Lies my Mother Told Me being the first), was pretty much completely underutilized. And when she was actually used? I'm sorry, but her lines just weren't up to Buffy season 2 quality. Her only real moment was when she extended her arms, waiting for her dear "Willy" to come and take her, and that was already spoiled in the promo for me... but I don't know... I know we weren't supposed to see her face or anything when she was on her back on the bed, considering we were supposed to feel as shocked as Spike did... but honestly, was it me, or did she seem bored as hell during sex? And unfortunately, the same anti-Paris Hilton phony phase came over Harmony as well too, much earlier in the episode... neither gal looked like they cared, and somehow, I would've just preferred to have just kept the sex scenes behind smoke and cyborg shadows, rather than in the dull full moonlight, where I was expecting at least some sort of softcore porn and screaming... And I don't know, just the little things in this episode bugged me... I mean, I normally try my best to not let my love affair of the Buffy and Spike romance sway my judgment on episodes very much, but honestly, it didn't really make sense to me why the writers would make Spike get off on Harmony, when he's supposed to only think of Buffy? Honestly, Destiny made Buffy seem like a prize or a "chalice" to Spike, rather than the deep love he had for her through all the seasons of Buffy (and yes, I'm including season 2...), as if the writers wanted to make Spike look morally worse than Angel this episode... And other bits that bugged me? The make-up on the bleeding eyed people just looked cheap in the end... And all the cheap, monotonous talk from Eve finally got the best of me... I mean, I know that we were supposed to get the hint that she was behind all this, but honestly, did they have to spell it out to us with her constant, convenient yapping in every situation?... And although this isn't really a complaint, I will note it here in the negatives, for some odd reason... that although I didn't see it coming, I can't say I cared when I saw Lindsey in bed with Eve at the end... probably because I didn't care one damn bit for the first season of Angel, and Lindsay never seemed important to me in the second season of Angel anyhew... Now, don't get me wrong. I'm pleased that the old partner of Lilah is back, if only so he can start chopping off people's hands with that lovely, not so trusty sledgehammer of his again. But honestly... I don't know... maybe it was the episode's fault, or maybe it was recent failures in school's fault... but somehow, my only surprise at the end... was simply not caring about the surprise... Hell, I wouldn't even be surprised if Eve and Lindsay turned out to be the good guys in the end... somehow, I guess I'm with Angel: my heart's just not in it anymore...

Though there was a stretch of twenty minutes of the show that I did unconditionally love, however... and they all took place in the present... Now, I personally found the whole Shanshu thing annoying at best, if only because I hate how the Whedonverse handles prophecies (why the fucking hell should the universe tear itself apart from not knowing who the Shanshu vampire will be, when the fated one has been predestined since the beginning of time?). And I also detested "Sirc" or however you spell his IRC chat name, if only because his cliche, evil British voice was boring as hell, and it felt weird that Wesley kept him around even after Die Harding him last season... And I found it dreadfully annoying how Angel and Spike couldn't even see the midlead coming, even though the cup just conveniently happened to end up in Nevada after the Inquisition of all places... But while I won't really discuss the rest of the episode (Gunn, Fred, Lorne - they all didn't do much that I cared about, except Fred wearing really hot looking glasses... And Wesley? He pulled a Travis Mayweather on us and simply wasn't there, so props to him...), since I guess I shouldn't say anything unless I've got something decent to say... but... the thing is... I absolutely loved this episode from the moment we saw Spike in the Red Viper car (although a black one would've suited him much better), to the point where Spike finds out the cup is filled with bloody hell, Mountain Dew (ewch... I'd rather have Crab Juice... or some Code Red...)... the thing is, although some cheesy effects did detract from the battle (I hate all the jumping around done in Angel, as it ruined the fight between Angel and Faith last season), I must admit, that the one-on-one-with-the-Great-One bout between Spike and Mr. "I fell down some stairs", was perhaps the best damn battle since Angel took on the Beast for the first time, or even since Angelus took on Buffy back in Buffy season 2... I mean, besides the cheesy throw effects, this battle had it all: burning crosses, wooden stakes, and oh yes - really damn good choreography when it comes to dueling with phallic poles (gotta love all the laced subtext...). And this was all intermingled with some of the best damn taunts and comments since Spike first showed up on the series! I mean, Spike was annoying as hell for the first part of this episode, with that dumbass Harmony thing and all that constant reminding that he could be the Shanshuing Matrix one. But when the fight broke out between the two vampires with souls? And when even I was hurt when Angel revealed (dare I say it?) the truth about Spike's relationship with Buffy?... well, let's just say I actually cared at the end who was going to win the fight... and I sure as hell chuckled along as Spike admitted he wanted the cup, half for the burden, half for the prize, and half just to take yet another thing away from Angel... Now, the banter between the two wasn't all perfect during the fight, as I felt Spike's insight into Angel, hating the sight of him, simply because he was his evil Padawan apprentice so to speak, felt too forced in their argument, as if it came out of nowhere... But still, for the most part? These twenty minutes alone of the episode sure as hell made my day... I can't explain why I didn't really enjoy the rest of the episode. But suffice to say, regardless of what anyone on the internet say, Angel and Spike are the best things since... well?... Buffy and Spike, actually... although I'm not so sure if that sounds too good... unless I was a girl, and unless as Buffy says, there's some sort of oil involved... if I was a girl, that is...

But while both Smallville (no surprise there) and Angel were disappointments to me this week (despite the promise of great episodes for November sweeps), it was all saved by you know what... and I ain't talking about the bell... Because the thing was, although I've already read some scathing reviews for this week's episode of Enterprise, "Similitude", the fact of the matter is... I loved this episode... in ways that I could never love other controversial episodes like Dear Doctor and Cogenitor... Now, one of those reasons was because I so enjoy the continuation of the Trip and T'Pol romance plotline more than anything in past seasons, although I deplored how T'Pol already kissed Trip in a sense this episode (it would've been much better if Sim had unexpectedly kissed her, with T'Pol being surprised that she kissed him back or something...)... But besides that one minor spit of a spat? Well, sure the intro of the episode in T'Pol's quarters felt like too much of a Paris Hilton porno video in a sense, but I loved the little moments with Sim and T'Pol later on, with Sim admitting that his love for T'Pol wasn't some adolescent crush... though "that was two days ago"... But before I go on a Trip praising streak, let me get the review of the rest of the cast done and over with, because surprisingly enough, each of them had something interesting to say or do this episode... Now, Hoshi didn't have much air time, but at least she had a memorable moment for once, teaching the young Sim to read. And Reed? Well, he was pretty noticeably absent himself, but at least he got to fire his buddy Trip out of the torpedo tubes, Homer Simpson Greenpeace style... Phlox wasn't in the episode nearly as much as I thought he would be, but for the times that he was, he was at his Dear Doctor best. I loved the look of fear, embarrassment, and sorrow in his eyes when Sim spilt the beans on the possibility that he could live a normal life. And I also actually felt a bit sad actually, when you could hear in Phlox's voice that he was about to kill his own son in surgery, in a sense... And Travis? For once, he actually pulled an anti-Travis by actually having more than one line, and by actually doing something important, like help save Enterprise for once! Now if I was him, I'd be plotting and scheming of more Dead Stop ways of putting Trip Tucker out of commission or shooting him out of an airlock, because we all know, if Trip had been up and about, it would've been the engineer in that shuttlepod cockpit instead of the brother... And I've already talked about T'Pol, who slinked around in her slinky little underwear for the umpteenth episode in a row. And although I shall still complain that she sure as hell didn't suppress her emotions as I feel her Vulcan self should've, I will admit that I sure as hell felt sorry for Sim at the time... if only because of that goodbye kiss meaning so much, and looking so sweet... and possibly spelling doom for the Trip and T'Pol romance after this season, but that's a whole other story for another day... and oh, by the way, the Enterprise looking real dirty with magnetic dust? Priceless looking, as it really was the best special effect to me since that weird ass asteroid field a few episodes back...

Certain critics didn't seem to like Similitude because they felt it was either preaching the wrong message about cloning, or that it wasn't clear enough on its stance on cloning... but the thing that I appreciated most about this episode, was that it didn't seem to preach to me anything at all... The thing is, I didn't really feel like the episode was trying to make a statement about 6th day laws or some crap like that. But rather, it was simply a sad story, an emotional ride, one of which I haven't felt since I watched A Beautiful Mind, actually... and I owe that all to Trip Trinnear Tucker the Third, for putting on one hell of an acting performance (his absolute best since Shuttlepod One). As Trip, he wasn't anything special, except when he gave that scrunched look on his face when watching Reed shoot his The Sims self out of the torpedo tubes with glee... But Sim? Sim throughout the ages was a joy to watch, as the child looked absolutely sweet in Phlox's arms, the young Trip looked fascinated with the return of the flying Archer plane from Broken Bow, and with the adolescent Trip appropriately acting like a retard in engineer to T'Pol... and somehow, I could just feel it in the acting - somehow, Sim at Trip's age was both Trip, and the Sim that we saw as a child... it's hard to explain or even fathom how, but somehow, this episode touched me, simply thanks to the genetic memory idea (as stupid of an idea as it sounds). Because at each stage of the clone's life cycle, he remembered more and more of his life as Trip... and at each stage, you could see more and more of Trip emerge, through the questions he would ask, through even the ways that he would walk... And by the time Sim had fully matured to Trip Tucker's age? There were two things about him: an ego, to prove to everyone that he's as good as Trip. And second, there was a sadness to him... that he could never truly be Trip... Which was all he really wanted in the end. He wanted to be a real boy, so to speak... and that's what touched me... Part of it was obviously selfish and annoying: he just wanted to save his own hide, rather than save that other self dying on the bed, so to speak... but the other part was simply the desire to be real. He had all of Trip's memories... so why didn't Archer see him that way? That was the real core of this episode to me. Some reviews claimed it was missing, but I saw it all the way through: I saw that Archer was hiding behind justifications of the war... when really, all he wanted to do was save his best friend's life... For once, you could see it in Scott Bakula's acting, that he was a man divided over ethics, morality, and friendship... Everytime he talked to Sim, he tried his best to remind himself that this was not Trip. And everytime Sim spoke to him, you could tell at every step, he was trying to prove that he was. And that's the real beauty of Similitude... I'm not sure whether the writers tried to take a side or not in the debate, but I definitely am glad that I didn't receive any of their preaching if they did. Because all I got instead, was a brilliant story of whether one man's life was worth another's... because Sim to me, felt real... if only because he felt so damn much like Trip with his memories... that's what this episode showed me... that Sim was a real boy... in my own eyes at least... His chemistry with Archer and Porthos was undeniable, and the solemn look of fear in his face when he was sentencing himself to die?... My favourite line in this episode absolutely was when Archer yelled out, "Enterprise needs Trip!"... because you could tell, or at least I could obviously tell, if only he would let him admit it, if only we wouldn't have sounded gay while saying it (only Malcolm is allowed to be ambiguously tit for tat...), Archer would've instead admitted to himself, "I need Trip"... and by simply using the name of "Trip" when talking to Sim, who still was trying to convince himself he was Trip?... Sim knew that he could never measure up to the man that he was meant to be... to the man that he was born... to the man that he thought he already was... and that saddened to me... it really did... if only because of the great acting on Trinnear's behalf...

Was Similitude a perfect episode? Not quite... not with the poor pacing at times and the really awkward editing... but quite honestly, despite all the parallels to that god-awful Voyager episode, Tuvix, I really feel like there hasn't been any episode, Star Trek or not, as touching or similar to Similitude in years... and there probably won't be for years either... until Similitude is inevitably cloned on some other Trek series...

Y2kk Update: Whoakay... now that's procrastination for you... Instead of studying at all for my Digital test tomorrow, I spent the past hour... watching some god-awful Smallville rerun about some girl who eats the fat off of men... The thing is, I guess things have finally gone full circle for me when it comes to goddam Smallville then. Because if I do recall, this fat-sucking-bitch, freak of the week story, was the first ever Smallville episode that I can actually, ever recall... it's not to say I didn't catch any Smallville episodes before this one, long time ago in a television galaxy far far away. But at least, before Pete got knocked out from some ravenous girl, there sure as hell weren't any episodes that were actually this stupid enough to actually remember...

Which brings me to this week's new episode of Smallville, of course... Because yes, you know it! It's that blessed time of week again! Now, I don't even have a clue what the episode was named, so I'll just go by the Friends formula again and call it, "The Episode with the Really Stupid Magnetic Personality Guy"... but whatever the episode was called, does it really matter? Because all that matters... is that once again... it's the IvanFian small Smallville week in review! The moment you've all been waiting for it!...

"We're back to the freakin' freak of the week formula, I see... Now trust me - I would make fun of the episode, but because it was so damn boring? I'm actually drawing a goddam Grosse Point blank...

So... umm... since I've got nothing better to say... Gladiator >>> Master and Commander 4ever! Wasupwidat?... "...

Hmm... actual IvanFian writer's block... for an episode that has no name and shall remain memoryless and Calculus causal for sure... Because you see, at least the ravenous girl episode had a plotline that was actually original enough to keep me Gladiator entertained. But this week's episode, where Lana goes bad girl from some Magneto clone, minus the good, gay acting? God, this concepts been done on so many television shows before that it's not even funny (especially when it's done so much better in anime porn... but, um... I digress)... and truth be told, since this episode wasn't funny or entertaining at all, I really could care less about it... but at least the WB promo for next week's Smallville looks decent... but we'll have to wait and see... Gladiator 4life indeed...

But while Smallville proved to be a bitter disappointed (not that it ever isn't, by my standards), my Wednesday night (the night that nothing could go wrong, if you read my download update) was mercifully saved by one of the best, if not the most in depth, Angel episode of the season thus far... Now, that's not to say that Lineage didn't have its downfalls. The idea of cyborg demons in the Buffyverse may have wet my Cyberdemon Doom roots way back while fans were complaining about good ol' Adam, but somehow, the idea of little ninja cyborgs in the "more realistic" Angelverse just seemed damn cheesy to me... And except for Spike and Wesley, the episode felt devoid of character depth as well, even though both Fred and Angel were onscreen for quite a long time... Gunn got his ass kicked, but at least he got to fight for once again, rather than just wear an expensive suit. Lorne said something, but once again, while it was worth a couple laughs, it was nothing special enough to remember... Now, I thought Angel fit nicely into the background in Lineage for the most part, and I'm not being sarcastic... mostly... Though he seemed a bit out of character when he was dressing down Wesley in his office, and it certainly felt forced when Eve tried to connect his bureaucratic outrage back to his son. But the good ol' Angel came back at the end of the episode, with a brilliant line about killing his own father... Sure, the delivery of his lines was a bit weird and bit too insanely giddy, but that was the whole point of the scene I think. The contrast with the overserious and overzealous Wesley by his side was simply hysterical!... But so what? Angel had one good comical line. Where's the real comic relief?... that's where obviously Spike came in. Now, he walked a fine line between comical sidekick and annoying prick in the side this episode. His constant taunting in Fred's laboratory even started getting on my nerves, and while I snickered at the return of the "head boy" title for Wesley, Spike mentioning it in Angel's office for the second time just seemed forced and a little too old... but honestly, the Wesley head boy thing was just one of the brilliant references Spike made to prior Whedonverse episodes. And honestly, as Mr. No-name Nostalgia over here, I was literally balling with laughter and tears every single damn time I was reminded of some of Spike's greatest moments!... The indirect comment about his own Buffybot shenanigans had me howling so damn hard that I missed the rest of the goddam scene! And his bluntness about his dead mom trying to "shag" him, in contrast to how oversensitive he was about it all last season on Buffy, made me goddam miss the entire last scene of the episode from goddam rolling on the floor as well... of course, since I had the episode taped, I simply rewound in the end to listen to the stupendous Spike antics all over again, especially when he finally got to smash a corporeal being in the face for once. But still... Spike truly was either love him or hate him this episode... and luckily for me, I can't even remember the last time that I chose the hate side of the force...

Meanwhile, Fred was in far more scenes than Spike ever was... I think... and yet I barely remember anything she did... She mostly just pined and tried to give soap opera-ish looks between Knox and Wesley, trying to make us care who she picks in the end (I'm going to go for Angel on this one though... because unless Darla or Cordy comes back, he really has no-one... and the lead, brooding star can't have no-one, now can he?). But really, the only scenes that Fred actually did a decent job in, were the ones in which she was whelping for help as the damsel in distress, both at the start of the episode and at the end. Although it's not like she did much when she was grabbed by the ghoulies of the man who would be Wesley's father or fazzha or devil's robot or whatever... but she did look rather cute in that little cast of hers... But really, what made that final rooftop scene memorable, besides the cool helicopter sounds in the background?.. it was the fact that the scene was so well written, and so well acted amongst the two British actors at the center of the Shakespearean play... Now, I can't say Wesley had his greatest moments ever this episode, but he sure had some decent ones. I loved the look on his face when he was talking about Lilah to his father, although I wish we could just figure out what he still remembers from the Conor mindwipe... I snickered at the look of embarrassment on his face, when he was talking to Fred as if the world was going to end, only to realize a second later that his father had already defused the bomb with no trouble at all... And I also loved how ingenious and yet cruel Wesley was in the torturing of the cyborg. Technically, considering it was a machine, torture shouldn't matter, right? They do it all to time to demons, and yet still... The only problem I had with Wesley, was that he didn't find it odd how one moment, his father was talking about the Wolfram and Hart books being out in the open, and the very next moment, a ninja cyborg conveniently came to claim them... though Wesley made up for his brief lapse in stupidity... by absolutely overkilling his father with like a dozen freakin' bullet shots, for Christ's sakes! I mean, I know he was just trying to protect Fred, willing to kill for her like Gunn did last season... but still! He shot his father like a half dozen times, as if he'd gone trigger happy on the Beast all over again! Oedipus beware... But at least I can be happy that in Wesley episodes at least, bullets actually do some damage to villains, which is more than I can say for last week's episode... Overall, Lineage may not have been the best written episode of the season (that honour goes to Hellbound), and perhaps it wasn't the best acted either. But the combination of the two, coupled with a hell of a lot of nostalgic references to past episodes, made Linear sure as hell stand out in my mind... far more than any ravenous freak of the week, Smallville episode will ever achieve, I pray to God...

I was hoping for the same from Enterprise though... that despite the cheesy and boring-sounding premise, that this week's episode of North Star would somehow shine through as a star of the Star Trek seasons... and suffice to say, although I certainly didn't find Enterprise to be episode of the 6-pack, year caliber or anything, I will admit that I did enjoy the episode a lot more than I thought I would... Now, the episode didn't really have much metal or gear or substance in the end. It was a cliche story of cliche slavery in the old wild west, and the only real fun came at the end, when it was amusing how Malcolm and the MACOs could barely take out men using 300 year old technology, of all things... The best moment of the entire episode probably came when Malcolm pulled off a Jeff Daniels and smartly shot the hostage. Plus, T'Pol looked pretty nice, collapsing from energy fire for the second week in a row, while invincible Archer could win a fist fight with a bullet in his shoulder in the barn in the back... Now, Archer was alright this episode, which was a good thing, considering he was pretty much the only Enterprise star to star in the episode. I absolutely hated his fake accent though, not to mention the fact that he was trying to act all Western like in the saloon (although I did like the fact that he pretended to know who Coopersmith was... it was actually decent thinking on his feet for once). But for the most part? Archer just reacted to the situations. He would punch of a few guys in the face, ride around in horses better than Trip ever could, and pretty much did his first season, moral superiority thing by claiming humanity had gotten past prejudices (yet he seems to grind his teeth and gnash his bones and nail his elbow on the couch everytime he hears the word 'Xindi'... I was waiting for him to admit to the girl that humanity was now at war, but he never did let that little detail slip, now did he?)... and, well... Given the circumstances, I seriously thought Trip and T'Pol would've gotten far more air time than they did this episode, if only because Trip actually has a real accent (okay, Southern is not the same as a Western accent, but to a Canadian like me, it's all the Australian same... Gladiator 4ever!!!). And besides the fight at the end, Trip and T'Pol did have the best moment in the episode, as I found it rather adorable how he helped her onto the poor alien horse... I just wish I knew what Trip was going to do without his harmonica now. And hell, I'm wondering how he got that gun in the first place to trade for the horse... but still... while I half deplore that Archer gets too many episodes to himself, I can't really complain when next week is going to be a double weed trip to Tripsville...

As for the rest of the cast? Hoshi was there. Can't say much else, considering she didn't say much else... Malcolm got to shoot things. It's just too bad he's not even smart enough to realize he can burn his phaser through wooden barriers and crap like that... Phlox didn't have much air time either, but at least he got to look smart when he pulled a Dead Stop and got rid of the poor girl's scar... and Mayweather? God, he provided the best comedy relief of the entire episode! He's been gone for how long now? And then all of a sudden, he pops back up for just one damn scene, says one useless line that could've been said by anyone, and cuts himself off (seemingly shaking his head at his career) before he can even utter a second damn line?... it was comic genius at it's best! That's exactly what Star Trek has always been about... underutilized characters at their Starfleet finest... So that's about the whole of the cast... Once again, North Star was an Archer only episode, and that had both its ups and downs. On the one hand, his chemistry with the Sheriff was good. I liked the moment when the Sheriff admitted he thought earth was just a fable. I also thought the novelty of being shaved, old school style, was probably the best Western touch of the entire episode... But the bad parts of North Star? The deputy guy was definitely too much of an evil Western stereotype, as even one of his henchmen did the patented rolling off the Tim Hortons rim of the window pane thing... and Archer really didn't have any connection to the school teacher woman, although it was a nice touch to give her that datapad at the end, if only because I'd sure as hell would want one of those things, if only to play computer games on... Still, North Star ended up being a rather forgettable episode, as nothing of real interest happened in terms of the Xindi arc or anything. But still... unlike Smallville at least, I don't regret watching this episode. And suffice to say, at least I enjoyed most parts of it, which is more than I asked for when I first learned of its premise... North Star was not a shining star, but it definitely pointed in the right Polaris direction... on a Wednesday night where nothing could go wrong...

Y2kk Update: My brother and I are always thinking this in the back of our heads, laughing our asses off:... ahem...

George Lucas: "Star Wars... is a religion!"
Interviewer: "... no... No, it's not."
George Lucas: "I wasn't talking to you!..."
...
George Lucas: "And if Star Wars is a religion... That makes me a God!"
Interviewer: "... no... No, it doesn't."
George Lucas: "Again, was I talking to you?!..."

If you haven't seen or heard about this skit yet, the above is a slightly modified version of some MadTV thing or a Star Wars fling that aired before Episode I arrived in theatres. Of course, after the travesty that was Star Wars Episode I, no-one dared (or bothered) to ever call George Lucas a god again... well, except for me of course... Because as a Star Trek fanatic, George Lucas will forever be, in my heart, the true god of the worst goddam sci-fi series to ever disgrace God's green earth since... well... The Matrix, actually... and Lord of the Rings... and, umm... Star Trek Voyager... but that's besides the point... The point is, I'm not Star Wars fan. I liked Episode II to an extent, and I still rank A New Hope as one of the better sci-fi flicks of its day and age. But honestly, every single goddam time somebody claims the god-awful, Empire Strikes Back, is a god of a goddam movie?... uggh, then I can't help but clench my fist, gnash my teeth, and outcry, "BLASPHEMY!", to all the infinite masses of the Old Republic...

Which is why I was so damn surprised with myself, and with the quality of the Star Wars universe when it's done right, after playing through Bioware's Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic for the Xbox... I picked it up the other day as the most impulse of impulse buys, since the store I always go to gave me a pretty decent discount on it (considering Future Shop down the street had taken $15 off the ticket price of the game as well), and truth be told, I wasn't expecting much from this game. Watching the starting intro movie, I saw nothing of interest except the worst possible looking faces on a next generation console... next to Morrowind's, that is... And even the introduction stage, where you have to run circles around the inferior interior of the Endar Spire or some crap like that? The first time I tried on these Bioware RPG controls, I thought they were awkward as hell. For some odd reason, I was pulling a Niles Crane and actually dying on the tutorial level... because whenever I goddam tried to use a medpack in the middle of a goddam battle (I was playing a scoundrel... I had no clue they sucked so much at the start... so sue me...), the god-awful battle menu system in the game wouldn't let me goddam survive long enough to scroll through the damn menu...

And my opinion of the menu systems in the game still hasn't changed. Cycling through my force powers when fighting the last boss was especially tiresome, considering my method of switching targets to pause the game at a turn, didn't even goddam work because there was just one bad-guy on the screen at once most of the time (I never think of pressing the white button to pause the turn... that somehow just feels cheap to me...). And whenever I try to goddam select a weapon or a piece of armour or some goddam specific grenade from my inventory? I'm forced to scroll down what seems to be a goddam infinite lists of goods that I don't give a damn about, simply because the organization of the items in this game, all unnecessarily obsessively alphabetized, absolutely seemed to be Bioware's Achilles Heel... their kryptonite... their Dark Side of the Force... their George of the Jungle Lucas... And as for the rest of my first impressions of this game? The CG movie quality is horrendous at times. So is the framerate, as not only does the game stutter when you're on Taris (the first world you land on), but it's choppy as hell when you're in your own ship for Christ's sakes! And except for the worlds that are as plain as hell to look around, the framerate can barely sustain 20fps on them as well... The sound is nothing special in this game either. I was hoping the Dolby Digital 5.1 would affect something in gameplay, but really, the only times I can even hear an echo from my rear 5.1 speakers is when somebody was talking to me and I didn't goddam notice... Sure, all the requisite lightsaber and blaster sounds all made it into Knights of the Old Republic intact, but they're in every damn Star Wars game, and considering we all know those past games sucked? Obviously, nostalgic sound does alone make a game... And as for the graphics? Sure, occasionally you find something to marvel at, like the ships flying in the backgrounds of Taris, or the unbelievably "realism" of the Selkath on Manaan (when I first saw them, I literally thought they were CG graphics right out of Shrek or some crap like that...). But for the most part, while the colour range of the scenary is good in the game, even to a colour blinded fool like me... It just sucks that most of the human characters in this game look so damn bad, especially your own... except when I'm running my ass off with my female Jedi character in a heavy combat suit, of course... mmmm... tangy... like orange juice... but, um, nevermind...

But despite all these initial flaws, and despite far more problematic problems that I'll talk about later... just for some goddam reason, as if the game possessed some sort of Jedi mind trick or some crap like that... I too fell to the damn dark side of the force... and <gasp!>... actually started liking a Star Wars game for once!... </gasp!!!> I know... I know! Hell has frozen over!... But I couldn't resist! The lure of the dark side tasted so damn sweet!... like orange tang!... but I digress...

First things first, I've never officially said I hated the music from the Star Wars universe, although I usually do admit that it gets on my griping nerves... But Bioware definitely knew what they were doing when they were selecting their score from the movies, and it definitely paid off, as I still can't get the damn Star Wars theme out of my goddam head... And the thing is, while I first hated the combat in Knights of the Old Republic thanks to the god-awful menu system (and for more reasons I'll talk about later), the fact of the matter is... for what it's worth, KOTOR actually does have a really innovative turn based system... Because the thing is, there are no turns, except when you pause the game. At first I thought it was awful how you could move around freely in combat, losing your turn just to run around in circles like some Star Wars chicken getting knocked up in the ass by Link... But after a while, as soon as you get your little NPC followers, the Old Republic fighting system actually ended up being really goddam deep and goddam fun as hell afterall... I would sneak up Dark Jedi Masters from behind and slice them four times in a row in the back of their heads as they're too busy dueling it out with my own Jedi slaves... or when my entire army of Sith troopers are engaging my Jedis at close range, I'd sacrifice them all with one giant thermal denoator blast, just for the hell of it... and this was all happening in real time! There's no need for annoying pauses between turns, unless you choose to pause the game yourself. And there's no waiting period for unbelievably long, redundant, especially redundant movie sequences for magic or anything else (ala Japanese anime RPGs), simply because all the force powers you get are sweet and easy and quick to sip, grenade throws are literally a blast, and if your character ever does feel slow and sluggish, then just switch characters or heal in the background, far away from the battle where nobody can ever touch you... I admit, at first, I thought that the Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic fighting system was absolutely the worst thing since sliced bread. But after you get familiar with it... and after you somehow forgive Bioware for leaving so many damn bugs in the final build of the game (which like I said, I'll discuss later)... then absolutely, the new combat system is the best thing since sliced bread... with cheese... and goddam orange orangutan tang (wait... umm... nevermind...)... and I'm sure as hell going to bet that it's going to be copied in the near future, if it hasn't already...

Hell, I sure as hell hope it gets copied... it deserves to be copied... anything's better than game developers stealing ideas any longer from the Morrowind designers, for Christ's sakes...

And... well... <start spoilers>... The thing is, the game surprised me in more than one account... Hell, it surprised a hell of a lot of Star Wars junkies, now didn't it?... at least considering that the internet went ablaze with comments over the summer that Bioware, in just their first damn Star Wars game, managed to create a better plotline than George Lucas has since Empire Strikes Back... now, while I insist that Star Wars: Episode II is a much better movie than the internet gives it credit for (though fuck - even I could've made a better Episode I... Re: Memento Fan...), I will dearly give props to the writers at Bioware... because goddammit, for the first time in my life... <GASP!!! DEH HORROR!!! VHAT IS DEH VORLD CUMMING TO?>... I actually liked a Star Wars plotline for once!... </GASP! HORROR! FORCE WAVE!>... I won't give away the shocking revelation in the game, shown in the CG movie titled... umm... "Revelation"... But, I will admit, that although I did guess at the truth near the start of the game (but only out of jest... I never thought it'd come true), I will admit that I was actually slapping myself in the forehead and ass, while jacking off to some Princess Leia porno on the side, because goddammit, how could I miss all the damn Fight Club-esque clues?... Goddammit, whenever Bastila or the Jedi Council said something about anything, there was always something weird in the way they said it... they always added an extra word... they always seemed to know more than they did... And I knew all that. And yet I was still goddam dumbfounded by the time the truth spilt out, even after all the laughs from Saul in the torture chamber. I mean, wasupwidat? Honestly, who throws a shoe? How damn clueless can I actually be?...

And how damn good can the writers at Bioware actually be, because not only did they provide the best damn Star Wars moment in history since <HALT! Never heard before spoilers, coming through!> Darth Vader was revealed to be <DON'T READ AHEAD!!! -> GASP!!!> Luke Skywalker's father!?!?! </ !!! GASP!!!... WTF?... NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!>... but Bioware somehow, just magically, as if with the use of the force, also managed to integrate numerous, actually entertaining plotlines into almost every single NPC secondary character in the damn game!... Now, I'll be the first to damn admit that the romance plotlines in the game are Episode II wooden cheesy as hell, although I have yet to find out what happens to Carth if you turn to the dark side with a female character... But I have done both light and dark side finishes with a male in love with Bastila, and while the kissing scene was a goddam letdown (and while I'm still very damn disappointed that I couldn't have a forbidden lesbian, Jedi sex craft relationship with Bastila as a female Jedi... but that's besides the point...)... well, I don't want to kiss and tell, but honestly, it felt like I was watching Episode II Natalie Portman, french kissing Anakin Skywalker... from goddam Episode I or some crap like that! Without the improved acting over Anakin in Episode II, that is... But when it comes to all the non-romantic plotlines in Old Republic? I loved the fact that Bastila has a subplot with her parents, giving her away to the Jedi. I was shocked as Carth was when some guy just came up to me out of nowhere and told me that Carth's son was training to be a Sith Jedi... I liked double teaming on Zaalbar's brother on the forest planet, and I can't believe I actually trusted Griff, Mission's brother, with my goddam 200 credits... I actually had fun interviewing witnesses in the Jolee-Sunry murder case... and goddammit, just when I thought they had no plotlines or some crap like that, the second time I played through the game, I came across villains in both the Canderous and the Juhani plotlines... Short story short, even on my third time through the game, I'm still discovering sidequests and sideplots to the goddam characters, quests that I didn't even realize existed my first two times through the game! And honestly, I can't thank Bioware enough for this. As a fan of Japanese RPGs, I love linear based games that lead you on a specific path, since there's really no other way to produce a truly epic experience for all (which Morrowind failed horribly at, mind you)... But at the same time, while during my first time through the game, I was complaining there wasn't enough non-linear sidequests in Knights of the Old Republic, what do I find the second and third times around?... that the more you talk to people, the more you explore... the more you care about the situations around you... the more and more you care about the game, then the more and more of the game you discover... and goddammit, almost all of it is interesting, even though I cycle through Jolee's ancient grandpa ramblings with the A button as fast as I can...

If there was anything disappointing about the story in the game, it was definitely what happens after the major revelation. Since I'm still in spoiler mode, I might as well admit that Bastila gets turned to the dark side of the force (which royally sucked for me the first time around, since I had focused all my force powers into her, ignoring everyone else...). But the thing is, the scenes that show her being tortured really show nothing about how she gets turned, which pretty much sucks in my eyes, as even Episode II was able to (at least partially) show me how a good man could be turned to the dark side of the force (although Anakin was already far too whiny in the first place...)... One moment, Bastila's good and tries to save the day (even though I was whooping Malak's ass without much effort when she came in for the "save"...), the next moment, she's just unnecessarily evil, for no good reason whatever... except for one reason... the bond... the lesbian, sex craft bond that I so dearly wished that they had just implemented into the game, but I digress... The bond was used so damn well leading up to the revelation in all my discussions with Bastila. But after she was turned? The writing just felt so cliche. Choices between light and dark side almost became nonexistent in conversations, leading to regular RPG reading boredom. And honestly, although I will admit the ending of the game was "authentic" feeling compared to the original Star Wars film... the thing is... that ending SUCKED ASS in the 70s, and it still sucks ass now!.. And the last stage of the game? The bad guys were annoying me as hell, as they seemed to be goddam unlimited... Now, I'm not normally one to complain about challenges, as I loved getting my ass whooped three times in a row from the thrown-in-at-the-last-minute Darth Bandon or Brandon or Brantford or some crap like that (although I beat him and his croonies without even getting hurt my second time through... that's the power of my character, "Link", for you... heh...)... but honestly, I can't put into words just how damn annoying it was to simply stand in one place for seemingly ten minutes in a row in that final stage, as bad guy after bad guy just kept flooding through the gates with seemingly no end... maybe I would've enjoyed the challenge more if I knew they would eventually stop. But even to this day, I'm not sure if they ever do... </end spoilers>

But absolutely the main selling point of Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic, is the ability to choose the path between the light and dark sides of the force. You can customize and tailor your character in almost every way you deem fit, with every force power shown in the movie, and every Wookie shown in the films, making Old Republic a true taste of glory for all Star Wars junkies out there... And truth be told, I enjoy a lot of the choices you get in conversations, as it's fun as hell to infuriate Bastila when she's both hurting and half naked (you'll know when...)... But also truth be told, most of the choices you get in the game are too black and white. They're either purely evil, or purely good. There's really nothing golden in sheep's clothing or whatever kind of crap... there's no real inbetween, unless you keep switching between light and dark solutions throughout the whole of the game... But for the most part, I loved the game for the same reason I outlined above: the gaming experience may be linear, but all the sidequests and the choices to be made make the game feel as non-linear as the best of 3d games of today... Because for once, just for once, I fell in love with the Star Wars universe, even though it bugs me to hell that the Republic apparently doesn't advance or change in 2000 years of progress... and I fell in love with the universe - the Star Wars universe - or the Bioware universe at least, simply because... simply put... it truly made the series feel like a religion... only this time, I am the god...

... Well, okay, so I'm talking to myself... again... so sue me... But as much as I love this game (as I said, I'm already playing through the game a third time through, which will tie it with Zelda: Wind Waker and Halo and... um... Shenmue II... oddly enough... for the most replay value of the year), I can't help but hate the fact that simply put, the game's got game... and the game's got bugs... I mentioned before that combat was clunky and ass wipe chunky as hell from the menu systems and the chopping framerates, especially with grenades and force waves going off on screen. But the combat system also sucks most of the time, simply because my character doesn't do anything when I tell it to half the time! Either it's my own fault, or either it's a bug in the game or something, or maybe it's simply because sometimes force powers take too many turns up or some crap like that, but honestly! Whenever I use master speed or sometimes heal, and then I try attacking a character again, not only does my character not bother to use the force power in the first place, but he just stands there, not doing a damn thing that I tell him to, until I frickin' switch characters and eventually switch back!... As for other bugs in the game? Loading screens have officially frozen on me at least five times in the two times I've played through... which ain't so bad compared to PC games or what I had to go through with Morrowind, but honestly, is there any real excuse why I can't trust the game to just load the next part of the stage?... As for loading times, this is the sole reason why I can't help but rate this game similar to Skies of Arcadia Legends on the IvanFian scales: because while Skies of Arcadia for the Gamecube had no load times at all, with Knights of the Old Republic, I find that I can sometimes get up and get myself a drink, or even go to the goddam washroom, as I'm waiting for some area in the game to load (although some areas load up in seconds... by random... weird...)... And as for all the cool glitches in the game? Sometimes when I level up my character, nothing goddam happens to my character's stats, and I end up having to reload my past game because I sure as hell ain't going to lose a whole damn experience level... I've had glitches where my character literally flies across a valley for some odd reason, far away from a battle, letting my other characters die in the not so glorious end... I've had lightsabers that don't come out when I'm moving to attack the enemy, forcing me to pause the game to correct whatever the damn error was... My characters have gotten lost on me so many damn times that it's not funny, just standing in the middle of nowhere as I'm ten minutes away, waiting for them to catch up... And hell, how many more bugs have I actually gone through? I've literally gotten stuck in walls, gotten stuck in Bastila (mmm... but don't ask...), gotten stuck in Zaalbar (definitely don't ask), had characters (who are supposed to talk) who refuse to talk to me after I've killed them... And was I ever damn lucky that I saved all the goddam time, since I encountered the dreaded Carth face glitch the first time through (how the hell could the debug teams miss something as obvious and "in-your-face" as that one?)?... Honestly, did Bioware order a hundred damn monkeys to debug the game and write the greatest story ever told at the same damn time?... because, well... at least they succeeded at the latter of the latte... but as the Penny Arcade saying goes, Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic definitely did sell out in stores... one copy for every damn bug in the game...

But trust me, don't let the bugs in Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic scare you off (although there are rumours that certain bugs can wipe out your Xbox's hard drive... but that's besides the point). And honestly, don't let the dark side of the force (namely, how damn bad the Star Wars franchise is, both past and present) to scare you away from this game as well. Because truth be told, beautifully bold, simply put... even past all the lightsaber and Star Wars musical score nostalgia... Even beyond all the gimmicks of having a Wookie on your team and hearing Jawas squeak to you in some form of Engrish... And even beyond all the fun you can have with the bugs and glitches in the game, without T3 hacking into the Terminatrix's circuits on the Leviathan, without a damn Gameshark to get your character to maximum experience your first stage in the game... Even beyond all the cheesy romance plotlines and the stunning revelations you learn... Even beyond the fact that yes, this is Star Wars done at its finest... Even beyond all that, you still have one hell of a game, with one hell of a combat system... one hell of an intricate plotline... one hell of an intricate subplot... one hell of an epic, linear experience... one hell of an engrossing, non-linear experience... One hell of a good time, and one sure as hell of a good Star Wars show... As much as I wanted to hate this game in the first place, I just couldn't help but fall to the dark side and actually believe that Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic, could actually be a contender for the best damn game of the year... if only it weren't so plagued by glitches, gulches, and graphics that hurt the ears...

Because despite all that? Despite all my Trekkie rage and contempt... I now truly know that...

IvanF: "Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic, is a religion!"
George Lucas: "NO!!! NO, IT'S NOT!!!"
IvanF: "Was I talking to you?!"
...
IvanF: "And if Knights of the Old Republic is a religion, that makes Bioware a god!"
George Lucas: "WHAT?!... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!"...
IvanF: "AGAIN, was I talking to you?!"

... heh... how can I not love a game that puts ol' George Lucas to shame?... the dark side of the force, indeed...

But enough with the George Lucas and Matrix bashing for a day... and don't forget Lord of the Rings, but I digress... Instead, it's that time of the year that we've all been waiting for! The penultimate period of the smallest and greatest, Smallville, week in review EVAH!... now, I don't even know the name of this week's episode, so I'm just going to call it Superman 1961 or some crap like that... so here goes...

"Clark Kent, pulling a Matrix? WTF?... Making the episode as bad as Revolutions?!? Why the fuck would they willingly do that?!"...

Seriously though, while this week's Smallville episode was interesting in parts, or small doses at least... the fact of the matter is... the Lana and Clark plotline is painful to watch. It's Dawson's Creek, genetically mixed with Everwood, at it's worst... And although it wasn't Clark and Lana really in the 1961 scenes, the acting and cliche writing sure as hell was... no wonder I re-twisted my gut muscles again this week... those two god-awful love birds truly are my version of kryptonite, don't you know... next to watching Matrix Reloaded again, at least...

Meanwhile, Angel this week treaded a fine line. The Cautionary Tales of Numero Cinco, as the episode was called, was a bold mix of both comedy and cynicism. And honestly, you two no-name readers know me... how can I not love an episode based on both of the above, the fruits of the loom of my life?... First the comedy bits: Angel absolutely was brilliant with every look and line he had. I laughed throughout the entire starting credits, just because of his non-shellac and almost bored to death reaction to being goddam, casually thrown through a window by a mailman... I loved the look on his face when he saw the four dead wrestling brothers just darting away, as if they were facing the Devil's Robot all over again... And David's work with Wesley was simply awe-inspiring this episode, because not only was it funny as hell to watch, but it actually made sense with the context of the entire season... The blank face on Wesley's face when Angel sarcastically mentioned the Sahjen or however-you-spell-his-name prophecy, was probably the funniest moment Angel's had in... well... a week... but that's besides the point... And to top it all off, it was both amusing and depressing at the same damn time, that Wesley couldn't even remember all that he had done thanks to the mind wipe. And hell, the moment was revealing as well at the same damn time, since it's only a matter of time until Wesley looks the prophecy up himself (C'mon, he has to wondering to himself, "hmm... now how did I get all dark and broody and shotgun wielding exactly?")... And although the reactions weren't perfect for the scenes (I was hoping for more blank stares or disbelief or something), it was simply ingenious how the "El Diablo Robotico" story was a legend in Wesley's eyes, while Angel just glazed his own eyes over with the rest of us at how damn Andele stupid the devil must've been back then... But in all seriousness, Angel excelled this week in seriousness as well. He was noticeably "disconnected" in almost every scene, as he barely even seemed to care when he was fighting the Aztec monster. He acted cold towards everyone without being cruel, and that's exactly how I feel Angel should feel after losing his son... he's distancing himself, because what hope does he have? Any hope he ever gains is lost, since everything he touches turns to ashes, as he claims... It's hard for actors, in my mind at least, to properly portray hope and a lack of hope on screen. And somehow, Angel did it all this week. I give him major Matrix props for that... props that the god-awful Matrix movies have never had...

And as for the rest of the cast?... I've already mentioned how damn funny Wesley was in his clueness seriousness... I also was balling in laughter from his car shotgun statement, although I feel the joke would've worked better if Wesley was actually sitting in front... My only problem with Wes this episode, was his goddam shotgun... Why the hell could a sword stab through the Aztec warrior's armour, but a goddam shotgun blast could not? Was his gun tapered, or taped up, or friggin' made of scotch tape or some crap like that? I mean honestly, why must bullets suck so damn bad in modern shows? In Smallville this week, a gun blunt to Jorel's side did more "damage" visibly than an entire magnum round did! Every fucking week, I swear to God... but anyhew, that's besides the point... Gunn grew increasingly and increasingly evil this week as he seemed more and more happy with his job. He seems to be enjoying power a little too much for his own good. A turn to the Old Republic dark side may not be out of the question... Lorne was invisible for most of the episode. But I was laughing at how quickly the Angel-vs-the-mailman news spread on the "web" according to him. And honestly, how can I not agree with him when he shouted out that Fred was "every woman"?... And Fred?... puppy sigh... Fred... her face is just so damn beautiful, that I could've sworn Spike was falling for it when she said he saved her life... I'm not sure what that look of his really meant, whether he was realizing that she was falling for him, that he was falling for her, or whether he only started thinking of the Shanshu prophecy applying to him. James Marsters is great in that paradoxical sort of way... But overall, unfortunately, Spike was more of a nuisance than entertainment this episode, as he whined a bit too much like Dawn about all his holy ghostiness, although I did chuckle at a few of his taunts and ribs... But the stars of the show were truly Angel and Numero Cinco, combined with the enchanting and especially mood setting Spanish music, as their shared depression, hopelessness, and despair ended up proving to be a winning combo at the end, if only because Angel fighting with Luchador wrestlers has always been one of my dreams... sad to say... Overall, this episode spoke volumes to me. It may not have been the most entertaining, the most engrossing, or the most action packed of the season. But somehow, the perplexing mood shifts between cynicism and comic relief, just somehow made my day... and that's saying a lot, considering I watched it right after I miserably failed a 30%-final-mark mid-term... in a course I'm already failing... although I guess anything would look good after a Matrix-Reloaded-like travesty like that... but that's besides the point...

Angel was good this week. But in all honesty, except for some minor gripes, this week's episode of Enterprise kicked ass!... now, I won't agree with the early assessments that Twilight can be compared to Yesterday's Enterprise. But it is definitely better than other Star Trek "reset button" episodes, like Cause and Effect and The Year of Hell (the latter of which was simply awful, although I enjoyed the former for what it was worth...)... Now, there's nothing original about a reset button plotline, dealing with quantum effects and crap like that, as weird as it sounds to say... Because hell's bells, I think Star Trek has done at least two dozen episodes based on ideas like this alone (and yet for some odd reason, my friend continues to insist that Star Trek copied Memento... go figure...). But it's not originality that counts in today's day and age - it's the execution of the idea that does. And truth be told, I was intrigued right from the start of the episode, with earth getting destroyed, and with Mayweather being the first to die... again... (it's always the brother that's the first to go...). Now, I have my complaints about the scene - first of all, where were all the earth defenses? You don't need warp 5 travel to frickin' build warships and orbital defences, mind you... Second, how in the blue hell did the Xindi build a frickin' death star that can destroy planets? I mean, so now what? A primitive combination of races from the Delphic Expanse now has more technology than the Borg and Species 8472 combined?... And lastly, why the hell did the Enterprise survive the destruction of earth? Why the hell didn't T'Pol at least set a collision course with the Xindi Sphere or some crap like that?... but I guess, those are all besides the point...

Several things made this episode as great as it was, and one was surely the neat idea that Archer simply can't form new long term memories. Because the idea of waking up in the future has been done to death on Star Trek alone, but the idea that you've continuously woken up in the future with no clue what's going on? I don't know whether that's original or not, but it sure as hell felt like it was, considering we were seeing things through Archer's point of view. We were thinking about "elaborate hoaxes" just as he was, with no clue whether Archer has said the same thing a million times before each and every morning. And somehow, the idea appealed to me... time was repeating, just not for him, but around him, so to speak... And the second thing that made this episode? The acting. T'Pol not only looked beautiful with long hair (what can I say? I'm not a fan of women with short cuts... except short skirts...), and her acting was just as beautiful, even though I'm sure feminists will be appalled by the fact that she gave up being a captain to be a nurse... or a house wife to a senile, old man in a sense... Jolene Blalock acted with a Vulcan subtlety that really screamed out for an Oscar, if only there was an award for a lack of emotion. She seemed to care for Archer, she seemed to be patient as hell with Archer, and yet at other times, she was commanding in the captain's chair, taking no shit from Tucker (who's her true love... we all know that...). The acting from Archer was decent as well, except for the final scene in sickbay, which felt too out of place. Like I've said in the past, Scott Bakula is at his best when he seems confused, and voila! They gave him an episode where he's supposed to be confused as hell... Now, considering he became captain of the Enterprise, I'd like to think Twilight would also be a Tucker episode. In some ways it was, but mostly, he was just there, and that's alright... for one week, at least... It was Phlox's turn to shine once more, as he spouted technobabble with a sense of honest sincerity that no Star Trek series has ever managed since The Next Generation. He also got to brandish a phase pistol and flip off a railing, which is good enough for an Oscar in my book, at least... And Mayweather? He was either dead or missing. So no difference from previous episodes there... Malcolm got to be promoted on the other hand, but Hoshi? Heck, she was still stuck at the same useless post, listening for alien signals where there were no aliens. Feminists beware...

Now, I'm not always a fan of reset buttons. I personally would've preferred if Archer remembered the events of the future as some sort of dream (some theorize that the subconscious could exist out of space time, of course...). But even though the reset was a bit annoying in the end, that doesn't take away from the fact that Twilight was one hell of a good episode. It had a brilliant, "WTF" intro sequence with the destruction of earth. It had some stellar special effects with the ramming of the Xindi ships and the destruction of the bridge of Enterprise (although I don't know why the Xindi were falling over from single phase pistol shots, when Archer could take three). Twilight actually had chemistry between Archer and T'Pol for once, with Phlox once again acting as their pimp. And even though reset button episodes come a dime a dozen in sci-fi, somehow the idea of temporal parasites made Twilight feel so fresh in comparison... even compared to Memento (sorry, Re: Memento Fan)... Was Twilight nearly as good as TNG's Yesterday's Enterprise and Best of Both Worlds? Not really. But along with Anomaly, it will forever stand as a true testament, that the third and fourth seasons of Star Trek series are always the best (well, with the notable exception of season 6 of Deep Space 9, that is...). Because I do believe...

IvanF: "Star Trek... is a religion!"
George Lucas: "NO!.. NOOOOO!!! IT'S NOT! THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!!! JAR JAR BINKS, SAVE ME!!!"
IvanF: "AGAIN, was I talking to you?!?"

Y2kk Update: It's a conspiracy, I tell you... My university is doing this to me on purpose, I shit you not!... Because why, oh why then, do they always put my mid-terms on bloody hell Tuesdays and Thursdays?... Why not Wednesdays? Why not Fridays? Why, oh why, I ask of thee!... You want to know why? It's because they want me to fail, simply because I have no will power... simply because I have no self control... I mean, how the hell can I possibly study for a Tuesday mid-term, when I have WWE Raw wrestling and normally NHL Leafs Hockey the night before?... And how in the blue hell am I ever supposed to get any studying done for Thursday exams, when the night before, I have my precious Enterprise, my precarious Angel, and yes... oh yes... even yes... my small Smallville week in review...

... well, I had my Digital mid-term exam yesterday. I traded one hour of my life in for 25% of my final mark, and the outcome doesn't look so good... but whatever happens, already happened. So I have to do my best to cast all my frustrations aside, and focus them all like a New Ager moving to New Hampshire, into providing the best, damn, goddam "small Smallville week in review" review that I've ever done in my entire life!... and that's saying a hell of a lot, considering each and every week, this is the moment that we've all been waiting for...

... "WTF? Smallville aired an episode about solar flares... the same freakin' day as we got hit by the worst solar storm since 1989?... WTF are the chances of that?! Honestly, wasupwidat?!..."

... but seriously, I was seriously surprised that I actually liked most parts of this week's Smallville episode, Perry. Hell, I even chalked one up to the Shanghai writers when they even conned me with their Perry White, bungee cord stunt... but then of course, everything decent that I felt about the episode was completely ruined by just one damn, awful speech from Lana Lang near the end, that made me compare the show to the bloody hell worst moments of Dawson's Creek for the umpteenth time in a row... goddammit, how in the blue did Smallville get so good at vampire sucking the life from its own show? I'll never know... but for that, dear Smallville, I salute you...

I was hoping that this week's episode of Angel, Life of the Party, would wipe the awful aftertaste of Smallville right out of my mouth... and in some ways it did, as Life of the Party was a hilarious episode for the most part... it's just that... it sure as hell had insurmountable odds at ever meeting my Himalayan high expectations, considering I absolutely loved "Spin the Bottle", the comic relief Angel episode from around this time last year... Hell, I even gave Spin the Bottle my best episode out of all shows of last year award, so how in the blue hell was Life of the Party ever going to live up to those expectations?... and considering what the premise of Life of the Party was, of everything Lorne says coming true, how could I possibly not compare the episode to Something Blue of Buffy season four (the episode where Willow had her will done by magical accident), which I still rank as one of my favourite episodes of all time from any show that I've ever watched?

Short story short, Life of the Party on its own right was a pretty damn good, goofy effort. Now, I'm not normally a fan of Lorne in high doses. He's normally only good as the short stinted comic relief, as the magic 8-ball moment from last year all reminded us of... But I really did feel that if any episode can truly be considered a good Lorne-centric episode, it's this one (although Spin the Bottle might be considered one as well). Because not only did Lorne get to truly shine in the comic department, but he got a serious moment with Angel in the limo as well. Admitting that he really wanted to help the team in some way, really gave purpose to his character even being on the show. And admittingly, I never really looked at him as the 'morale fighter' of the motley crew or whatever before that scene... And admittingly, Lorne was pretty damn funny in Life of the Party. I loved his dialogue with "Harmonica", as even just pointing her out, dancing all alone on the dance floor (and I admit, she did look absolutely fabulous on the dance floor...), provided probably the hardiest honest laugh I've had in weeks... I loved it when he called Angel "Milkdud', although his "wallflowers" comment sort of left me feeling flat... And his smaller, less noticeable comments, such as his "I must really hate himself" when his own subconscious beat him down, caused me to chuckle the second time I watched the episode, although in a way, that was one of the problems with Life of the Party...

The thing was, the comedy was a bit too dark at times. And because of that, the episode felt more restless and lifeless than it did a party (not to mention the constant showings of the party sort of dragged on too long by the end of the episode)... I mean, I laughed quite a bit at the episode's lines the second time through, but on the first watching? Honestly, a lot of scenes simply felt forced, as if they were trying to be funny, but they never quite got there... I laughed out loud at Lorne's "you taste great!" comment to the blood drink slave, but the rest of the scene just felt cocktail bland, even with Angel's blank stare at the half naked slave... I felt that I should've laughed at the demon who was wearing a human costume, but something just didn't click right for that scene in the end... I also thought that I ought to be laughing at Lorne's disgust at the Pylean wardrobe, and I also thought that the idea of the "Hulk" Lorne would've been at least a bit funny. But both scenes just sort of were there for me, feeling like part of the background, when the real comedy seemed to come from the supporting cast of the episode...

Angel probably had his best comic lines of the past year in this one episode alone. I loved the silence in the room when he mockingly brought up the idea that he was inviting all the guests to the party to slaughter them all... I loved his "brooding" when his hockey team was losing (dammit, they better have been losing to the Leafs!...)... And honestly, although I guess it should've been funnier, I still absolutely loved his eagerness to go back to having sex with Eve after barking orders to the rest of the crew... And Eve? Well, I felt her "hands-on" comments about Angel relieving himself weren't delivered with the poise the lines needed to be funny. And I'm not one to really compliment the way she looks, considering she still looks like an Alias cop-out if you ask me.. But she certainly did look fine in that dress of hers, and she looked even finer as she was slapping Angel's ass behind the couch, so how can I possibly say anything against her?... But the thing is, what was with that look she gave at the end of the episode? Is she evil? Was she angry that Angel didn't like the magical, drunken sex they had as much as she did (otherwise he would've lost his soul)? Or is it a combination of both, and the start of a long, drawn-out storyarc, along with a wonderful friendship?... Gunn is the other character that this comic relief episode seemed to forever foreshadow in terms of a storyarc. Lorne's comment to him, to "stake out his territory", was to me absolutely the funniest part of the entire episode... Now, some on the internet have already cemented their attitudes, and commented that they hated his pissing over the entire firm routine, considering they think "peepee" jokes are immature. But I personally think it's immature to not be able to appreciate a good "peepee" joke any longer, because goddammit, this was a good one! Gunn had a great line when asked if Lorne told him to piss all over the complex: "Lord, I hope so"... because unlike the rest of Lorne's comments, this one was a mystery (his other "will be done" lines had obvious reprecussions... this one did not). Lorne's subconscious had transmitted his words "literally" rather than metaphorically, as Willow had done long time ago with her "why don't they get married" comment about Buffy and Spike (which resulted in the best romantic comedy ever on television, if you ask me). And not only was I pleasantly surprised at the subtext (if you can call it that) of the magic mojo done on Gunn, but it's interesting how it foreshadowed things to come. Not only was his positivity towards getting his own sleep removed rather disturbing if you think about it, but the fact that Gunn was pissing all over the entire complex... sort of showed that he was thinking the entire building was his territory... interesting indeed...

And Wes and Fred? Fred was absolutely adorable as a drunk, just like when she's sober, but I don't really think either of the two characters portrayed drunkeness properly on screen. They each had funny scenes though, although I wish Wes had something more than just that one elevator waiting scene to snicker at... I loved Fred whenever she was in the background, doing her drunken thing. She looked cute as a button whenever she stumbled and snorted, but still... And Spike? Unfortunately, he was a bit of a disappointment. His positivity was weird, but not really funny, except when Wes and Gunn truly realized something strange was going on... Overall, I still wish Life of the Party had all the metaphors and creativity that Something Blue long ago had. Instead though, while the episode was funny, it just wasn't very surprising, except for the Gunn staking his territory thing... you'd think though that Spike would be more important in Life of the Party, considering he's had experience with this subconscious fate control thing, but still... and, well... my only hope now? Something Blue truly turned into a classic episode not just from its humour, but from its foreshadowing of the Buffy/Spike romance, Willow's turn to darkness, and the Yoko Factor of the group... only time will tell whether the same will be seen with Life of the Party. But all I know for now, is that it was fun to watch the first time, and as a credit to the performances, it was even more fun to watch a second time around, like any good party I've ever been to...

... the problem is... umm... I don't think I've ever been to a party, but nevermind...

As for Enterprise this week? Unfortunately, The Shipment on its own right wasn't exactly a stellar episode. It was far too slow paced to keep my attention with an exam the next day, sadly put, as it felt far too much of a "filler" or a setting-up episode for November sweeps... Most of the episode dealt with Archer realizing that not all his enemies were his enemies. Reed got to play Devil's Advocate, advocating the mission as a success if they just blew the weapons facility to hell. And I agreed with Malcolm at that early point in the episode, as Archer sounded pretty damn dumb, talking as if a war hadn't already started... but like in true Star Trek fashion, Archer and the episode reminded me that not all enemies are indeed enemies. Some are allies, who simply didn't know what they were doing. And in that respect, The Shipment was a pretty good episode, as it was especially highlighted by the fact that Sloth Xindi scientist near the end nearly chose to give Archer away when the Reptillian Xindi revealed that there was a ruthless enemy against them... It reminded me that both sides of the war are still swept myriad in mystery, and that nobody really knows what the hell is going on. And it reminded me that until you have more information, you really shouldn't blow innocent civilians out the sky, even if 90 scientists is a small amount of people compared to seven million...

Humanitarian lessons aside though, The Shipment was pretty much as boring as watching a shipment of cargo cross the seas... None of the characters besides Archer really had anything to do, as Malcolm didn't get to snipe off anyone, Hoshi just sat around, T'Pol got to sit around in the big chair, and Mayweather? Was he even in this episode? Did he even have one line? If not, then that's a new low, even for him... I did sort of like the Tucker and Phlox B-story though. Although neither character got any memorable lines in, I certainly was fascinated by how alien the Xindi's weapon truly was. I mean, who would've thought you could put a brain in a gun, making it smart enough to know when it's being fired by a redneck from the Americas? If only modern weapons had those kind of safeties... although we could do without the auto-destruction stuff for gun control, but I digress (don't hate me for my comments... I'm Canadian, eh... hate me for that)... And routing back to Archer, I don't think the captain really got many decent things to say himself. And it was pretty damn stupid of him if you ask me, to try to sneak the Xindi scientist out into the woods when the guy was offering to help (although if Archer and co's position was given away, the Xindi would've shot down their shuttlepod escaping for sure, so...). But the real plus of all the slow ass talking in the Xindi's home, was the growing backstory on the Xindi. Their world was destroyed, simply because all six races couldn't get along, and something tells me that has something to do with the Temporal Cold War arc that should be returning within a month or so... Overall, The Shipment was an episode that felt as slow as a Xindi sloth. But since I know it was only meant to set up the potential for future episodes, I'm willing to let this one slide. I just hope that the November sweeps will truly deliver some excellent episodes, otherwise I might start branding Enterprise in the same category as I did Voyager... although considering I loved even the first season of Enterprise? I doubt things will ever become that much of a bleak and dreary future...

[c. visitors too bored to return...]
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