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Y2kk Update: - Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire Theatrical Review (Spoilers...) -

... obviously, from my first line alone, you know that my review is going to be fair, unbiased, and goddam impartial as hell...

The thing is, has there ever been a Harry Potter film that I liked? The first one was slow and boring as hell, the second one was bland from all the monotonous darkness, and the third one felt like a cheap rip-off of a Star Trek: The Next Generation film... and Lord knows that I'll never ever goddam read the actual goddam source novels in my entire life...

... which brings me to Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, which started out with the usual British fanfare of a fucking World Cup filled with English soccer fanatics, as I wasn't sick enough of watching this embarrassing shit already on the goddam news...

Mercifully, the events are interrupted by the marching band of the Death Eaters, bad rip-offs of the Ku Klux Clan who apparently just love to make their presence known in stadiums and arenas with absolutely no goddam security whatsoever... We then see a mysterious figure, as if it was ever in doubt even ten minutes later in the film who the fucking mystery conjurer was. And from that point on? We had ourselves a movie...

Because you know what? There were really only two reasons why I even went to see this film in the goddam first place...

And second? Well, I was hoping that Emma Watson (who plays Hermione) would fucking look hot in her dress... Fuck you, Hermione (once you become of age...). Fuck you...

Problem was, the trailer for the film was just so much better than the film itself. When you only see the Harry Potter cast in snippets, everything seems better... But after the full three damn hours of listening to Ron whine, or Hermione bitch... or Professor Snape, umm, snape... or Harry fucking Potter soak it up in a fucking bubble bath, I was ready to fucking join the Death Eaters and fucking put the goddam world out of its misery...

Basically, the entire plot of the film is centered around a big ass contest, in which Potter wasn't actually allowed to join. The Goblet of Fire manages to spew his name out somehow, and of course despite the actual rules on paper for the goddam contest requirements, he gets entered into a variety of shitty asstastic events...

To be honest? I don't even get what was so hard about these tasks. The mermaid one was lame as hell, considering nothing was really at stake there (hell, the girl who quit still was allowed to get into the finals somehow)... And WTF was with the maze? So what if the branches and the hedges eat you alive? Everyone was still just fine and dandy at the end, except the guys who actually survived the damn thing...

It turned out at the very end, that the whole contest was just one huge ass ruse to get Harry Potter alone and isolated. And in an extremely gruesome scene that I'm sure would've given me fucking nightmares if I were still a kid, Peter Pettigrew actually chops his own hand off and adds Potter's blood to the mix, to bring fucking Voldemort back to life... Honestly though, that was the whole fucking plan? Seriously, why the hell couldn't they have just done this like four years ago, snatching up fucking Potter in his dorm bed before he learned any real magic spells? Why now, and why hide it with the whole goddam contest thing? WTF?...

Not only that, but Voldemort was a pure pussy. Not only did he do the purely James Bond villain thing, letting Potter get back on his feet instead of just blowing his brains out when he had the chance... But was it just me, or did Ralph Fiennes look like a fucking bad Star Wars alien character in the goddam film? Hell, if I didn't know better, I would be asking where his goddam light-sabre was... And as for what he did have, his wand I mean? Sure, Voldemort may be immortal or some shit like that, but God did he ever suck in battle. His blasts reminded me of Cyclops from the goddam X-men movies or some crap like that... and we all know how much Cyclops damn sucks, now don't we?...

The thing is, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire just had so many damn scenes that I was bored out of my mind through. The ballroom dance dinner for instance may have been a decent, if only a) the Indian girls were actually hot, and b) if I hadn't seen the same damn thing in God knows how many teen angst films already... (by the way, speaking as a Chinese Canadian over here, Cho-Ann or whatever her name may be was ugly as fuck...)...

I hated almost every character in the Goblet of Fire, which is something I couldn't even say about any of the previous films... I mean seriously, did Ron even have a purpose in this film? The first act, all he did was sulk it up about Potter getting his name in the Goblet somehow. And in the second act, what did he do exactly?... The poor guy was shunned with the time travel shit in the third film, and now had absolutely nothing to do again here? WTF?...

I paid good money to see Hermione look hot, and I was damn well disappointed (of course, hopefully I won't be in a couple year's time...). And besides her dress scene, was there anything that we were supposed to care about?... Unlike the first three films, she was virtually invisible with the magic (while not being actually invisible, with the cloak thing I mean). She was clueless about the port key boot, she never once used powerful magic of her own, and probably her only memorable moment was when she was too damn pussy as hell to mention what the third unforgivable curse was in class... Sure, there was that goddam tease of a hug she gave Harry Potter, as if that was somehow supposed to sway all the Ron/Hermione 'shippers across the net. And besides all that, what was she? Just a fucking generic cheerleader in the background of the goddam tournament? The damsel in distress for the knights in shining armour? WTF?...

... uggh, even the side characters were utterly disgraceful compared to their former selves... I mean, yes know it was meant to be disgusting, but did we really have to see Hagrid make out with the 10-foot tall French bitch all movie long?... And was there any purpose to any of the professors at all in the movie? At least in the third film, Snape got to look like a dumbass when it came to the Sirius Black situation. But here, besides look ever evil and generically conspicuous as always, did he even have a single decent moment to himself?...

Now, I know my friend was somehow in the begotten mood to enjoy the likes of "Mad-Eye" Moody. But really, from the way the character acted all movie long, was there really any doubt that he would turn out to be the fucking villain of the story?... Did I guess that he was a shapeshifter? No. And quite honestly, I actually didn't believe that he would turn out to be the supreme evil, considering the "evil" characters in past movies (Snape, the Elf thingy, and Sirius Black for example) all turned out to be decoys instead... But nope, not so here. What you see is what you get, besides the whole damn shapeshifting thing I mean. And I definitely did groan at the whole damn MWAHAHA explanation that fucking Moody bored me to tears with by the bard tale's end...

And while I hate to say this (well actually, I don't...), Dumbledore was just plain dumb as a door-nob fuck in this film. Where was the fucking presence you'd expect from a magical man of his stature? Where's the fucking Force lightning, or even the goddam Yoda Kung-Fu shit stance?... Instead, all we got instead was an old man who looked lost half the time, not knowing what the fuck was happening with the Goblet of Fire. I mean seriously, where was the omnipotent sort of father-figure that we saw snicker at the Phoenix burning itself to shreds, or the aging old motherfucker who somehow knew all about Hermione turning back the clock?...

... or at least, kill off the goddam character... put him out of his goddam misery already... God, he's useless...

But yeah, I guess it is kind of pointless to nitpick a Harry Potter film about the actual plot itself, considering any real divergences from the novels would've had about ten thousand petitions on the internet, all ready to burn the film like a fucking KKK enema of an effigy... Sure, I may hate the storyline of the Potter novels, but besides all that? Even I have to admit that Goblet of Fire was a reasonably well done film...

The Philosopher's Stone was an introduction to the Potter world, and therefore was far too slow in pacing. The second film tried to be dark, but ended up just being monotonous in the way it attempted to follow the boredom of the novel, scene by scene... The third film, like I said earlier, didn't even feel like a Harry Potter movie in the end. It was far too rushed, far too fast-paced, and had a third act with an atmosphere that completely didn't suit or match the first two and half movies of the series...

So when I say that Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire is the best movie in the series to date? Then yeah, it obviously ain't saying much... But what's true is true. And I must admit, that the darkness in Goblet definitely attracted me more than most films about magic in the past half decade or so...

It was actually nice actually, how we got to forget about Voldemort and that shitty ass running plotline of his for the first two acts of the movie at least... And some of the minor characters were decently enjoyable. Cedric wasn't such a bad guy afterall, and those French women were pretty damn decently hot (when they weren't speaking with their god-awful accents, at least)... More importantly, the pacing of the film felt pretty much just right. Sure, I hated all the teen angst shit that had slotted and slutted its way in there, but at least all three acts of the movie felt uniform in mood and Moody atmosphere for once...

And oh yes, of course... the wild-card, pulled straight from the burning fires of the Goblet of the noname reviewer...

... as there is always one damn thing that can redeem any damn movie in my goddam eyes...

... and that alone puts Goblet of Fire above the three other shitty ass films that unfortunately bare the same name...

But even so, rest assured that nothing ever changes the goddam fact that, first and foremost?...

Because no matter how many dragons there may be? I can and will not ever forget...

Seriously, with this series? You either walk both into and out of the theatre loving it, or you don't...

I kinda feel bad for Joe Flannigan, for having his name even associated with Epiphany. Every reader on the internet pretty much knows by this point that Joe was the one who pitched the idea for the episode... Problem was, just like with what happened to Michael Shanks' script back in SG-1's season seven, the writers absolutely butchered Flannigan's ideal with their bullshit, buddhist elitist ways. And while Epiphany definitely did have its fair share of moments, the fact of the matter is that there really wasn't any damn content to care about here whatsoever...

Sheppard was one of the few reasons to watch the episode, but only because of the few remote jokes he had laying around there. His comments about "MALP on a stick" and Wilson the Volleyball were spot on, and definitely provided the best laughs of the entire hour... Joe Flannigan also made the most of his role, trying to salvage whatever he could from his own storyline idea. I loved seeing his hick mannerisms as Farmer John in the corn fields, and he sure as hell did look earnest as he 'complained' about Teera seeing him naked on the bed...

Problem was, not even all the greatest Flanniganisms in the world could save this episode from its own bile and phlegm. Not only was the actual storyline nearly a pure rip-off of SG-1's A Hundred Days (another episode that bored me to tears long ago), but that Epiphany never really achieved anything of real substance when it came to its own name... What I mean is, sure the villagers got their epiphanies, but what about Sheppard? Did he really learn anything at all? He seemed unmoved and unchanged by the end of the episode, and we didn't even get to learn one damn thing about his own background. We could sense he had some abandonment issues, but not once did the writers ever acknowledge what Flannigan was trying to write and emote through his goddam actions...

And once again, it hit me like an epiphany. Because once again, the writers leave a goddam episode with no decent ending whatsoever... I mean seriously, the Predator-beast just plays ring-around-the-posey and then dies? WTF?... Seriously, I'm with Sheppard on this one...

If I were Sheppard, I would've bitched slapped that Teera bitch back down to earth for putting me through all that crap. I mean, sure I loved the line, "what's with you and ascended women?", but this girl was just too much of a goddam psychic bitch... And then where the fuck was the happy ending I was expecting? Instead of actually hugging Weir like he did in The Siege, or having kind words to say to McKay, Sheppard just acted as if he was pissed off after seeing the gang again for the first time in six months. What the fuck kind of lame ass ending was that?...

Well, if there was any other reason to watch Epiphany, it was because of McKay. At times, he may have been too abrasive (his Beckett scenes seemed a little forced, for instance), but he sure as hell did have a lot of great lines... I already mentioned the MALP on a stick and ascended women cracks. But I don't know, he just seemed to have this great animosity thing with Ronan (as if he were an animal), and I loved it every time he tried to explain a time dilation field to the morons back at the Atlantis base...

Teyla didn't do much, except look confused and get her ass kicked by the beast. Ronan didn't have a purpose either, although at least his sword swinging ways were a decent diversion to the obvious Predator copyright infringement... While neither character had anything decent to say, their roles didn't really seem out of place or forced. They served their purpose - Teyla didn't understand time physics, so Rodney got to explain it to the audience through her. And Ronan was too dumbass to understand everything else, so the audience got to get the rest of their technobabble explanations through him... As for Dr. Beckett (who I forgot to mention in my last review), he wasn't bad or anything. He even got to remind us of Lt. Cadman, with a decent joke from McKay to follow. Of course, besides whining, Carson unfortunately didn't contribute much...

Dr. Weir though? It was weird, actually. In an episode that I hated, I actually could tolerate the bitch for once?... Maybe it was because Col. Caldwell wasn't there to try to sex Weir up or anything, or maybe it was because Teera took the bitch throne away from her this week? Or maybe it was just because Weir was so damn happy to go off-base and play the Dr. Jackson of the team or something?... either way, she actually didn't seem that damn moody for once (which may have been bad writing, ironically... considering Sheppard was lost yet again, and she didn't look like she cared a damn...)...

It's just that, despite some decent acting performances from Joe Flannigan and David Hewlett? The episode just lead nowhere and taught us nothing in the end... I mean, anybody who's watched SG-1 and the Asgard knew all about time dilation devices already. And we've seen all this ascension shit before, where a light bulb just switches on in some random person's head, and they spout rhetorical buddhist bullshit just before effortlessly ascending before our very eyes. WTF?... We learned nothing new about the Ancients. We learned nothing new about technology or the history of the Pegasus Galaxy. And we learned absolutely nothing new about John Sheppard over six damn months of solitude, or a hundred days of sex or whatsoever...

I mean, was it not Steven Spielberg who once said that the most important moments of a movie, are the five minutes after the film is done?...

Hell, why can't the series just learn from its own goddam examples last season?...

If there's one thing that I should be thankful for, it's that I have a cousin in Canada with a first name of "Bit", and a middle name that rhymes with "torrent"... No, seriously. I'm a Canadian, and yes I do have a cousin who gets the early feeds of Stargate Atlantis off of TMN (although he's not exactly the 'cousin' that I get my own copies from... ahem...)...

And if there's one thing to truly be grateful for? It's not only that there wasn't any shit Smallville episode to write about this week... but that Stargate Atlantis finally returned to Canadian television airwaves, with the long awaited hour of The Hive...

The thing was, the episode started out with so much promise. The atmosphere was great, as it combined the best elements of suspense with comedy, the two major factors that lead Stargate Atlantis' first season into being such a damn success... The interior of the Hive ship was just as creepy and surreal as it was in the series pilot. But of course, comic relief is always welcome, as I literally laughed out loud of both Ronan's fetish for knives in his hair, and Sheppard's fear of "sending in" the clowns...

Hell, one of the greatest things to be thankful for from The Hive, was that it finally had the old McKay back that we all knew and loved. He truly took one for the team, sacrificing his lucidity to truly kick some ass and take some names... While I admit that his schizophrenia at the Stargate DHD was a little too incoherent for my tastes, who here didn't laugh at how insane he was acting while talking with Weir? And who here didn't at least crack a smile at just how girlish McKay fights, even when he's suped up on Wraith enzymes?... While Rodney didn't exactly do much in the episode after his drug rehabilitation, I still have to admit that he did an excellent job all around. This was probably the actor's best performance since at least Duet, as he really did look like he was in anguish as he was languishing in sickbay without the enzyme...

The thing is, while the first 45 minutes of Stargate Atlantis were great, almost perfectly emulating the chemistry and mold that the series had back in its first season, why the fuck did the writers have to go completely dumbass and cliche in the final fifteen?...

Fuck, it was like I was watching a goddam episode of Smallville or something, or some shit like that...

How the fuck did Ford manage to escape from the Wraith to save the day? Even when Sheppard asked the same damn question, no explanation was given, simply because there wasn't a single goddam plausible explanation in the end... And how the fuck could the Wraith be this damn dumb? I understand why vampires in Buffy (and Smallville... uggh) could be this damn clueless, considering they were often played by actresses from Clueless. But these are space vampires we're talking about here, space vampires that fucking took out the goddam Ancients...

And apparently, the Queens are so damn dumb that they would blow each other up, just from one measly dart nipping at their heels? Didn't anyone else think it was just a bit too damn convenient, that the destruction of one Hive ship manages to destroy not only the other damn Hive ship, but every fucking dart around as well? WTF?... If anything, the battle between the two Hive ships should've given the Daedalus the chance to sneak in there (just fucking use the hyperdrive for once to get fucking close, goddammit...), and fucking pop the both of those Wraith ships from behind with nukes right up their asses...

But apparently, Caldwell was too damn dumb for even that. I mean seriously, besides gripe, moan, state the obvious, and spout out Lana Lang lines, what the fuck did he even do?...

Well, despite how I feel about the shitastic space battle and ending to the episode, at least I can still be thankful that every member of the cast managed to do something decent in The Hive... and yes, that finally includes Aiden Ford for once...

I still hate how the guy just conveniently got back some more Wraith enzyme to save the day. But for the most part, I liked the partial return of some of the old Fordisms we loved and ignored last season... When the drug was breaking down in his system, he started acting more like the character we knew a year ago. Even if he didn't have many lines there (some things never change...), it was still great to experience some of his former mannerisms returning just once more... It was cliche for him to stay behind to slow down the Wraith at the end. But some of his earlier moments, like sticking a knife where it don't belong, definitely gave the character a much fresher appeal than he did in the first half of the two parter...

Ronan didn't do much, except squeal like a little girl in pain when it came to the enzyme, or lack thereof. But like I mentioned earlier, I did snicker at his whole knife routine, and I definitely do want one of those goddam stun guns that he just magically seems to have... The other half of the comedic duo was Rodney, as I stated earlier as well. There was none of his incessant whining, but rather some brilliant moments of being a "brilliant scientist backed into a corner". He fought like a girl, but had a heart of gold. And he was probably the only one on the Daedalus at the end, who didn't act as if they were staring at a goddam blue screen of death...

Dr. Weir was useless. She was such a bitch. Seriously, she didn't seem to show any real concern for Rodney when he was doped up on drugs, she seemed more constipated than caring about Sheppard and his lost team, and she even seemed to fucking flirt with Beckett by McKay's bedside. WTF?... And at the end? Not only did the Col's IDC code get registered before the fucking gate opened up (again), but that epic-wannabe music floating around Weir's head in the background just seemed so damn lame with that whole cliche, "we're all safe and sound after you thought we were dead" routine. Seriously, it seems that even without a small Smallville week in review, I still get my fucking Lana Lang moments to fucking bash my head about...

Teyla didn't do anything special, but at least she had her moments. She did care about Aiden like she always had, yet showed concern for Ronan as well as she has all season long... While I'd prefer to just call her a slut and leave it at that, she didn't really act as one here. She seemed to just naturally flow along with the episode, as the use of her Wraith mental abilities didn't seem forced or really contrived for once... It's just too bad she didn't get to use her stick fighting or anything. Otherwise, I wouldn't have minded to show her my own stick abilities as well (well, if she was with Sora again, at least)...

... well actually, if there's one thing to definitely be thankful for in The Hive? It was that Neera was hot... so fucking hot...

Ah, yes. Lt. Col. John Sheppard once again got to play the Captain Kirk of the series, and fucking had a fucking hot bitch on his shoulder to warm, console, and eventually cry about. I don't care if she was a Wraith worshipper or not, because she was just so fucking hot with the hair and the lighting in those scenes... I pray to God that she managed to survive at the end. Otherwise, the only thing that will keep me going during the cold winter nights, is the thought of the sexy lesbian lust of desire I saw in her eyes when the Wraith queen softly caressed her cheek... Dammit, where's Sora, Nerdy Carter and a stick when you need them?...

Sheppard definitely did a good comedic job in The Hive. As great as Ronan and McKay's moments were, John still managed to steal the show... His clown routine was poorly written, but the actor just delivered his lines with such earnest honesty, that I couldn't help but laugh. And he was probably the only decently intelligent character in the goddam episode, not only turning the Hive ships against one another, but figuring out the shit about Neera just as quickly as I did... Hell, I even liked his scenes with Ford. They showed some of the old camaraderie that they used to have, and he almost even made me forget about Ford's cliche "saving the day" shit when push came to shove...

If only we had gotten more R2D2 references in the goddam Wraith Dart (and if only we had gotten an explanation of how Sheppard learned to read the Wraith computers), and if only the last 15 minutes of the show didn't suck so damn hard?...

Y2kk Update: - Smallville: Solitude small Smallville Week in Review (Spoilers...) -

I mean seriously, it's like common fucking sense finally locked them all in solitary confinement, until they were suddenly struck by a goddam light of an epiphany in the forehead, of what was fucking wrong with goddam Smallville in the first place... because, well?...

"Thank God! Another episode without goddam Lana Lang... No wonder Solitude turned out to be one of the sole decent episodes of the season, as Lana fucking Lang was all alone and by fucking herself, without a goddam line on the goddam camera..."

There you have it! The damn recipe for small Smallville success. And why has it taken the writers five goddam years to figure it all out?...

The thing is, no - Solitude was not a great episode by any means. I mean, compared to any other television series out there, it was painfully average at best... Solitude still had its fair share of decent moments though, and a great number of them came from James Marsters and his character of Milton Fine...

C'mon really, who here didn't laugh at Brainiac's little rant of Zod being the hero of the oppressed people? Who here didn't roll their eyes that Clark wasn't even the least bit skeptical of a Kryptonian who pretty much hated all of human existence?... And for the most part, Brainiac wasn't a dumb guy. He hit Martha Kent with a Phenomenon (though he was the one who got smarter, not her...), and fooled the ever naive Clark into trying to free Zod from the Fortress of Solitude. Not only was it all a decent payoff after four long years of Jor'el plotlines going nowhere, but it was also a conclusive throwback to the fabled Superman II movie storyline...

... but of course, that's where Brainiac suddenly went Smallville stupid, just like any other goddam villain on the show...

Of course, instead of killing Clark, he just leaves the Kryptonite on him rather than shove it down his goddam throat? And of course, instead of watching Clark writhe in agony on the goddam table, he turns his back and just stares at the goddam Zod screen for five minutes straight in living colour? WTF?... The fight with Clark was anything but epic in the end, as Brainiac acted once again as just another generic Kryptonian. He didn't use any of his T-1000 powers, and he wasn't even intelligent enough to have a fucking Kryptonite ring on his goddam finger. WTF?...

The thing is, is Brainiac really dead? I somehow doubt those little Kryptonian crystals going through his nanites would destroy him. Perhaps he was just downloaded into the computers there, I don't know... All I do know, is that for now, James Marsters is off the show. WTF?... He has been absolutely the best part of the series for the whole of the fifth season. And unless rumours of him becoming a series regular are true, then it's all going downhill for the goddam series from here on in... if that's even possible from a goddam quality standpoint, that is...

And how the fuck could Clark really be that damn thick in the brain? Brainiac basically spelled out the entire goddam storyline of the past five years, with his whole "Jor'el is evil, Zod is my hero" speech, and then MWAHAHAing later on that General Zod was going to take over the goddam world. And yet at the end of the episode, Clark is still blaming "Jor'el" for everything bad happening in his life? WTF?... How the fuck could he be this damn dumb? I thought Lana Lang was the slow one on the show, but hell, I'm sure that even she would've put one and one fucking together in the end...

I just didn't care for Tom Welling in Solitude, that's all. He tried to show concern for his dying mother, but all that came out instead was the generic teen angst and "oh shit" looks that we've been getting from him even in commercials for The Fog... It's not like we got any real decent action sequences either. The final fight between Clark and Brainiac was just a bunch of Dragonball Z crap, as Brainiac was even too dumb to go after Chloe as a hostage or any shit like that...

Thankfully, Solitude still managed to shine through thanks to the contributions of the rest of the cast...

Martha Kent was definitely no John Travolta, and I couldn't help but laugh at how ridiculous the whole Kryptonian-cancer-from-a-flash-of-light thing was. I ridiculed how sappy her acting was as she was sick on the sofa. But she still did a decent job with that whole "smelling the rain" shit at the end, no matter how badly it was written... Jonathan Kent was sort of just there. I say he should've kicked Clark's ass for not telling him about the "deal" with Jor'el, although I blame Tom Welling more for dragging those scenes down. Still, every scene Pa Kent had with Ma was a decent one, as at least those two elder actors can act...

John Glover didn't really have a point to being in the episode, as Lionel Luthor as been absolutely useless without his money or the power to be a threatening villain. However, it's strange that he would tip Chloe off about Milton Fine, considering I always assumed Zod was controlling Lionel... Why the hell would Zod ever want to stop himself from being resurrected? Maybe there's a point to Lionel walking around in a generic daze afterall?...

Lex didn't have much to do, as apparently the upcoming "Lexmas" episode will be more his thing (while Lexa Doig is more mine...). Still, while his obsession with Lana from last episode was sadly missing in action, at least his "little green men" syndrome was finally back... Michael Rosenbaum plays the ever quaint politician to near perfection, beguiling everyone with smiles while brooding over his inner dark secrets boiling right beneath the surface. It still sucks though, that after five years of such great acting, we're still stuck with "Lex the friend" rather than a true villain we can actually love to hate...

By the way, Solitude was Lana Lang's best episode ever. I'm serious about this...

I wish I could say the same about Erica Durance, as I would've thought she could've stolen the spotlight with goddam Kreuk finally out of the picture. Alas, Lois Lane was reduced to nothing more than just "oh nice" smiles when it came to the Daily Planet and her goddam Ford Fusion... Seriously, how the fuck did she afford a brand new car while serving coffee and muffins at the goddam Talon? WTF?... And considering she had absolutely no contact with Clark this episode, somehow all chemistry with the rest of the cast was completely lacking for her. Well, except for when she mentioned being "Chloe's" sidekick, as she gave her that sexy "I want you now" look in the Daily Planet, of course...

Chloe wasn't bad. She saved the day with her meteor rock throwing exploits, and even got to spy on Lex's spaceship before it dithered away. Not bad for one night's worth of reporting... She didn't do anything cute or precious in Solitude at all. Though instead, she was simply a solid contributor, doing her research on Milton Fine in what seemed at first to be a realistic way (until she broke into Luthorcorp security by just hiding behind a goddam car, that is...)... Allison Mack is a great actress, and one of the only decent assets the show has had for five years running. If only they could rename her as "Lana" and kick goddam Kreuk to the goddam gutter, both the world and Smallville would be a much better place...

And while we're at the early Christmas wishes, I might as well hope too that with James Marsters gone, more Buffy reject alumni get shovelled through the door...

I mean, if they could get one episode right this season, then why the hell can't they continue the streak from now on?...

... oh wait, I forgot... the writers are as goddam clueless as Clark is... nevermind...

For what it's worth though, Solitude was right up there with Splinter as the best episodes of the season so far... even if Solitude by itself was nothing real special in its own right...

Still, I'm hoping that Solitude won't be the sole exception this season when it comes to quality...

... and the last damn time Smallville ever gets the episode of the week either...

Y2kk Update: - Smallville: Splinter small Smallville Week in Review (Spoilers...) -

I must be delirious or something, seeing fucking impossible hallucinations or some shit like that...

Splinter wasn't exactly the greatest story ever told on the small screen. And it definitely had its fair share of flaws... But I suppose even the goddam Smallville writers can pull a decent episode out of their asses once in a while, once the November sweeps start banging on their front doors of course...

"James Marsters can kick Smallville ass? Wasupwidat?... Since when could a character with the name of 'Milton Fine' actually kick Smallville ass? Isn't that an oxymoron? WTF?..."

James Marsters came through for the WB, just like he did so many nights before on Buffy and Angel. But I gotta admit, it wasn't just his acting that passed the exam in Splinter, but also the fact that the writers finally used his character to a somewhat interesting degree... Now, I don't quite like how they're rushing the exposure of Brainiac as the villain of the season (or is he?), as I would've preferred the discovery of his dark side to be developed all the way to February sweeps instead. Still, we definitely got a decent story out of the vampire turned T-1000, as WTF was up with his Kryptonian powers? Since when could a fucking Kryptonian computer actually shoot heat vision from his goddam eyes?...

I don't know how Brainiac managed to emulate Kryptonian powers, but it kinda all worked, considering even I was confused at what he really was until he proved his real worth with the silver kryptonite at the end... Obviously, the Smallville writers aren't geniuses and couldn't come up with a truly brilliant Brainiac plan to unfold throughout the episode, as earning Clark's naive trust has been done time and time again in the series before. But still, affecting him with silver kryptonite and potentially severing all his close connections to the human world, definitely seems to jive with what we know of the series' Jor'el or fucking Zod over in the Fortress of Solitude...

A lot of the Clark Kent scenes in the episode were a complete waste of time as usual, such as seeing a crib with the fucking spaceship in the background or whatever (unless that will have deeper meaning later on in the season). But actually for the most part, strangely enough, I actually did enjoy Tom Welling's performance in Splinter... I don't know why, but did anyone else get a huge "I Know What You Did Last Summer" vibe when he got that letter that read "I Know How to Kill You"? The thing is, that no matter how bad the acting was in all those old teen horror flicks from the past, the movies were still somehow entertaining. And the same principle seemed to apply here...

Though God (or Zod), how many trucks can the guy destroy though? Is the series suffering from the Voyager syndrome or something? An episode is only good if they lose a fucking shuttlecraft and magically get a new one back a day later? WTF?... and, well...

Tom Welling for the most part, really did seem to be losing his mind in the end. And the best part of it all, was that he was finally being the man that I thought Superman always should've been from the fucking start. Sure, maybe threatening his parents wasn't the brightest move for the kid, but everything else was surprisingly spot on... I mean, Lana is a complete and utter bitch, and Lex is supposed to be the villain of the story. Why the hell would you ever trust them? Since when was Lana not a slut, and wouldn't fucking slut it up with Lex for his fucking billion dollar house? I've wanted to smack her fucking silly for God knows how long now (both in bed and in the fucking face), and thank God Clark finally had the guts to do just that in this episode. Suddenly, he's looking like my hero...

And who the hell would ever really trust Chloe, right? She's betrayed Clark for news stories before in the past, and it's not like Pete was absolutely the best at keeping secrets either... Chloe was barely used in the episode, except for saving the Kents with some timely Kryptonite exposure. But for the most part, she was used well enough for the season arc, setting up more of the Lex Luthor and Lionel connection that has been so dearly missed in the past couple of seasons... Hell, I almost didn't even notice Lois wasn't in the episode. Until I did notice the lack of fucking cleavage on fucking Chloe, that is...

Lionel Luthor was finally back after God knows how long of a hiatus. While obviously his character was completely lacking in any of his former strengths, considering he was neither rich nor powerful nor Jor'el this time around, the actor still always shines through as the absolute best in the series... Finally, the series got back to what I always believed was the true reason deep down inside, why Lex would eventually turn against Clark. Sure, Clark's secret has always driven him mad, not to mention the actions of his father... But really, when it comes to real life? What the hell else do men really fight over, then a goddam slut who deserves to get fucking smacked in the face by a fucking fucktard?...

Lex Luthor was once again the nicest guy in the entire damn show, practically. I really don't get why he's still friendly and chumming it up with everyone else, even after Lana and Clark basically told him to get fucking lost in the past year... Either way though, regardless of the direction of his character in the seasonal arc, Michael Rosenbaum was right up there with James Marsters as one of the actors who did make this episode entertaining in the end. While it boggles the mind why he didn't put 2 and 2 together when Clark managed to kick his ass so quickly, I just always seem to enjoy the scenes throughout the series whenever he fucking tries to woo Lana Lang, and she's too goddam slutty to ever seem to turn him down...

Lana Lang is a fucking thorn and a fucking splinter in my side. I fucking literally smacked myself in the fucking forehead, when she was actually dumbass enough to believe Chloe's goddam story about the silver kryptonite (as if Clark has never shown signs of "temporary powers" before)... Hell, just like with the fucking witch and fucking vampire episodes, Lana was more bearable when she was evil in Clark's eyes than whenever she was good. The actress just seemed Shannon lost whenever she tried to show concern for Clark, or whenever she pretended to be weary of Chloe... And really, was it just me, or did the bitch just act more natural when she was fucking feeling up Lex in the mansion? Hell, it was like the "real" parts of the episode were the paranoid delusions, and Lana slutting it up was the only thing I could believe...

Afterall, it's not really paranoia, if everyone out there really is out to get you...

And pretty much every single actor on the show got a moment to shine a little silver tint in Splinter. Hell, even the Kent parents finally got to make a return, with a decent plot to go along with it as well... Sure, Annette O'Toole was pretty much just a tool in the background, but even she got to break the news about red kryptonite to Chloe (guess she'll be looking that stuff up now, just in case she gets fucking horny for Clark again...)... And while I really don't like this Senator angle, at least it gives Jonathan Kent something to do. Hell, to be honest, even knowing what we do know about those two candidates? I'd still rather vote for fucking Lex Luthor over him, considering Lex would at least lower taxes... Lex for president then! But hell, maybe that's just me...

Splinter was definitely not the pinnacle of television this year, and not even the best of Smallville that I've seen (which quite frankly, ain't saying much). But hell, it was by far the best episode of the season so far, as there were just so many little touches to this November sweeps episode, that it fucking made me paranoid that Smallville might actually turn out decent this year... James Marsters was great with the manipulation in the barn in the end, and just as good with the fucking super speed in the fight with Clark. And Chloe even got to give the audience that patented Clark "oh shit" look near the end, when she just happened to jinx herself with that "I'd die first" comment of hers...

Now, don't get me wrong. Despite Splinter being not that bad, Smallville is still shit...

Instead of the episode hurting my head like a goddam train wreck, pretty much like every other week?...

Y2kk Update: - Smallville: Exposed small Smallville Week in Review (Spoilers...) -

"An episode without Lana Lang still manages to suck shitastic ass? WTF?... Fuck. If anything, Smallville has just exposed itself as the absolute worst television series known to man..."...

At least with Lana Lang, you know where the series stands... and that's in teen angst shit, that is...

I really don't get it. I really don't get how an episode with Erica Durance in a fucking All-American bikini, could somehow degenerate into just some bad ripoff of Striptease and Dukes of Hazzard combined (although Jessica Simpson had already merged the two genres, I suppose...)...

Personally, I didn't give one damn about Jonathan Kent and his goddam 25 year old friendship with Senator Jack. Hell, was I the only one who found it hypocritical of Jonathan, to be berating the Senator about breaking marriage vows when fucking Ma Kent was nowhere to be found in the episode at all? WTF?...

Now, I suppose I can try to appreciate the fact that Smallville tried to be intelligent, when it came to the whole line about envying our heroes. And I've always had a thing for those old muscle cars of Dodge Chargers from the past... But really, if the series wanted to rip off The West Wing and fucking Dukes of Hazzard? Couldn't they have just stolen their shit from at least a better show, say... Uncle Jack Bauer?...

... wait... they already ripped that series off in last year's season finale... fuck... so, nevermind...

Well, at least Lana Lang was in her best form of the season. I really thought she improved this episode. I really did... (sadly, I'm actually being serious here for the first fucking time ever...)...

Chloe was basically just a prop in the background though. I mean, sure I suppose her journalistic skills saved the day. But is it just me, or does it just get really annoying how she can just magically find everything on the fucking net in ten seconds flat?... The only thing that saved her character last season was the fact that a) she knew about Clark's secret, yet he was too dumbass to ever once notice, and b) she was fucking hot as hell sitting on his lap, wearing nothing but his fucking football jersey... But did she fulfill any of our damn fantasies again here? Hell no. Instead, she was relegated to the bottom of page fucking 73 in The Daily Planet, when she should be relegated to the bottom of page fucking 69 in my fucking noname updates...

And WTF was wrong with Clark? Once again, he has a fantastically hot babe in his fucking lap, and yet all he can do is wince away and fucking avoid the boobies? C'mon dammit, be a man! Who would ever look up to a hero as goddam clueless as he is?... I don't know, but something just didn't feel right about him this episode. Not only was he incredible naive when it came to his Uncle Jack (then again, I guess I can't blame him for nostalgia...), but once again he seemed to act more friendly with goddam Lex Luthor than they ever did as friends... WTF?...

Now, I did like Michael Rosembaum's acting. He always manages to turn shit ass script writing, like that turd when it came to King David and Goliath, into something that's actually palatable on screen. And to be honest, I kind of liked his storyline here too, of running for Senator and somehow already getting his biggest competitor out of the race (while doing nothing wrong at the same time)... It's just that, it makes no goddam sense when it comes to what's going on between him and Clark. Not only does he earn Clark's trust by lending him his membership card, but then they once again have their "oh shit, I love you" awkward stares at the end of the episode, just like they did when they were best friends? WTF?...

If there was any saving grace to Exposed, it was the fact that Lois Lane finally got some much needed exposure. Both in terms of acting and in terms of nudity, of course (not like the actress had any problem with that, if House of the Dead was any indication...)...

Her pole dance was just so goddam bad and her gyrations were such a goddam turn-off, that I couldn't help but find her whole goddam stripper scene to be laugh out loud hilarious. I don't know if it was ever intended to be that damn awkward (and I'm including the dance parts where she supposedly was comfortable...), but it was still great entertainment nonetheless... And once again, she saves the day at the end of the episode with her sassy wit and whip and charm. Apologizing to Clark with a soft spoken moment, then threatening him with gossip the next, was thankfully the best damn ending that we've had in Smallville in a very long time (although the complete lack of Lana Lang probably had a hand in that as well)...

And if there was anything else decent about Exposed? It was that finally, the actual Superman parts of the goddam series got a chance to shine... Now, it may not have been Clark versus a nuclear missile again. But I was still very impressed with how calmly and cooly he took that MWAHAHA random villain helicopter down...

The European motherfucker was just a complete waste of time. But at least his scenes were somewhat salvaged, by the fact that Clark jumped high in the air again and dragged that 'copter down like it was a fucking kite... These are those rare, precious moments that give me reason to fucking tune into Smallville every single week. Afterall, I am a fan of "Superman", if they would finally start getting to that shit in the series at least...

But alas, no matter how they tease it, all the Superman exposure we get instead is goddam fucking teen angst, whining, oh shit looks, fucking ugly nudity (I didn't even think that was possible before), and a fucking Dukes of Hazzard ripoff... There's no true battle between good and evil, Lex just isn't maniacal enough, the random bad guys of the week are nothing more than just bad jokes of filler, and there obviously aren't any heroes in the series that you give a real damn about...

Y2kk Update: - Ubisoft's / Crytek Studios' Far Cry Instincts Microsoft Xbox Review (Spoilers...) -

Far Cry for the PC was lauded as one of the best first person shooters ever made. The graphics simply blew away the competition, the sound scheme was immersive as hell, and the game itself had the kind of AI ingenuity to it, to make it an instant classic to critics seemingly everywhere...

... and a goddam far cry from ever being considered one of the greatest games known to man...

When I first heard that Ubisoft was porting the game over to the Xbox? I simply shrugged my shoulders in complete disinterest... I had beaten the game on the PC before, found it to be nothing more than a pile of generic beetle dung shit on my computer, and had way more important games to get for my consoles anyhew...

That's when I was informed that it wasn't just a straight port going to the Xbox... Far Cry Instincts was to be a complete retelling of the story in the original, as a sort of a goddam apology from Ubisoft, for making me waste $10 on the PC version of their fucking shit earlier in the year...

Now, make no mistake. I can now honestly say that Far Cry Instincts is by far the better game than the original...

It's just that, it wasn't nearly as good as I was expecting, considering that the critics were at it yet again with their unanimous, Ubisoft applause and praise...

Far Cry Instincts introduces a whole host of feral abilities that your character, Jack Carver, receives after one of those Doom-movie like injections. It reawakens ancient African abilities long lost to the annals of time, making him into basically a ghetto version of the X-men's Wolverine, without the patented claws that is...

I have to admit though, that I do like the animalistic concept of it all. Take the feral scent ability for instance, as the effect of fucking yellow body odour streaking down the path that a mercenary walked through, is probably one of the coolest effects I've seen in a FPS game since Halo...

And the controls for the feral abilities are simple and smart as hell. You tap Y to initialize superspeed, and tap it again to turn it off... To turn all your other abilities on, you simply hold Y to toggle them on and off. While it may sound conflicting at the start, you soon learn to manage your feral abilities with perfect precision when it comes to the system Ubisoft has implemented (and it was nice to see the Beyond Good and Evil 360 input menu return as well)...

The only problem was, with the lone exception of the scent tracking? The feral abilities sucked ass...

Now, I admit that I liked how Ubisoft added in a regeneration mode, as your body quickly heals just like Wolverine's. The only problem is, healing requires your adrenaline meter to still be filled near the max, or else your health barely increases at all... Meaning what? Meaning, what's the point of using your goddam abilities if it just makes you weaker in combat in the goddam end?...

What's the point of night vision, when I can just turn up the brightness on my TV (which I sadly do)? What's the point of super-jumping, when it just overcomplicates the level design into being a bad, confusing rip-off of Metroid Prime? What's even the point of the scent ability, when the fucking, magical radar on your bottom left can see everything clearer than your abilities ever can?... And really, while some people do love the satisfaction of nailing a merc 20 feet high into a tree using a feral attack? I just came to hate the fact that so often I forgot throughout the game, that a lot of doors won't fucking open for you unless you fucking punch them first...

Ubisoft has done it again with their fucking obsession with modern day stealth in video games... First, they screwed the video gaming industry over with the repetitive bore fest that became known as the Splinter Cell series. And now they've done it again with all the crap they've put into Far Cry Instincts...

The thing is, I know a lot of gamers out there love setting up branch traps, and then tossing little rocks at foes as bait. And I know that a lot of critics complimented the claymores near the end of the game as well, as I suppose it was satisfying as hell to watch a moronic merc just step on a fucking mine...

But really, I just found all this shit pointless. What was the point of setting traps at all, when I could just gun everyone down in one tenth the time using dual wielded Uzi's? Or even better yet, dual fucking wielded P90s?...

Yeah, the point of Far Cry Instincts was to basically bring to life everything that guys like me loved about the movie Predator. And I admit that the surreal atmospheric mood that's set by the scent tracking ability, probably is the closest we've ever gotten to a true Predator game... And yes, I do love all the use of rain-forestry and mick foliage throughout the course of the game. Not only is the grass absolutely breathtaking at times graphical wise, but it really does make you feel like a hunter stalking your prey...

Until you get bored that is, just stand the fuck up, and just shoot the fuck out of everyone on screen, Rambo style...

There just isn't any point to stealth in Far Cry Instincts. And there just isn't any point to goddam feral abilities in the end either...

Yeah, I know the critics lauded the AI in the PC version of Far Cry, for having teamwork and whatsoever sort of crap (though I personally just found them to be both cheap and cheaters, sniping me off perfectly while I'm hidden in the grass, always knowing exactly where I was as soon as even one merc hears a fucking sound...).

But believe it or not, that same AI is completely missing in action in Far Cry Instincts. The only thing even remotely resembling intelligence in Far Cry Instincts, is the fact that once a merc calls for backup, more fucking enemies just seem to magically appear out of thin air (literally, as randomly appearing dots showing up on your radar). WTF?...

Besides that, the auto-aiming in Far Cry Instincts is just too good... It's like Crytek Studios couldn't make up their mind between mouse-like accuracy and goddam Goldeneye auto-aiming, so they did something that merged the two. As for some damn reason, it's so goddam easy to get headshots from 100 yards away with dual fucking P90s in the game (while an enemy is behind cover, no less), yet mercenaries at point blank range seem to take dozens of bullets before ever going down. WTF?... Up close, the game does body shots. Far away from your position though, it gives you instant Uzi headshots on snipers camped high on fucking guard towers. I say again, WTF?...

I literally just ran through Far Cry Instincts without using any other weapon than dual machine guns. There wasn't even a point to the sniper rifle or missile launcher, as the auto-aim was more accurate and caused more splash damage with dual wielding than either of those weapons... WTF?...

Yet with all that said though? I'll still readily admit that Far Cry Instincts is still one of the better first person shooters out there on the Xbox...

The graphics are just jaw-dropping, even when pitted in side-by-side comparisons with its PC predecessor... Sure, the water effects aren't nearly as pretty as they were before, but they still look goddam inspiring as you're handgliding over a river. Sure, explosion effects seem muted (as grenades look like bright puffs of smoke instead of anything truly incinerary), but the brilliant colouring and shadowing of everything else on screen helps make up for the fact. And sure, a lot of the foliage effect is ruined by low res vine textures, but all the bloom lighting still makes every single blade of grass look that much more sweeter than it ever did in VGA somehow...

Now, the bloom lighting itself may actually hurt my fucking eyes, to the point where the Sun reflecting off of even goddam wood was seemingly brighter on my television than staring at a real, goddam eclipse. Ubisoft may have really overdone it there, but that still doesn't change the fact that mountain cliffs and waterfalls look better in Far Cry Instincts than in any first person shooter I've seen on the Xbox before...

Another feature of the game they might have overdone was definitely the rag doll physics. Enemies just don't seem like they have any weight to them in the game, thanks to a bunch of weird glitches where once, I even saw a dead body bounce up to the top of a cave roof after landing on a goddam railrood track... Still, for the most part, the rag doll physics aren't that damm exaggerated. Seeing bodies slowly slump and fall off of guard towers, or blasting them asses off of sky high cliffs, are rather damn satisfying feats in the end, if I do say so for myself...

Sound effects aren't quite up there with the best that Ubisoft has ever done (Brothers in Arms: Earned in Blood comes to mind here), but it's still a goddam blessing to hear the game in full Dolby Digital 5.1 sound... Sure, I could've done without the shit that the sirens bellow in my ears. But machine gun bullets sound absolutely fantastic, enemy voices are as clear as they can be, and the full surround sound really works to your advantage as you're stalking your prey, Predator style...

Voice acting is campy as hell. I mean, what else can you expect from Blade's Stephen fucking Dorff doing the dorky commentary?... Still, it's not like classic films such as Predator had great scripts either. And for the most part, even if you've played Far Cry and learned its plot secrets on the PC before? It's still worth going through Far Cry Instincts, if only to laugh at Stephen Dorff trying to pull off the "fuck" word like a real man...

A lot of critics have complained about the level design being downgraded in Far Cry Instincts... In the original, the island really was an island, as you could go pretty much wherever you wanted, however you wanted, with dozens of different paths all leading to either the same or different destinations in the end. It was all basically one massive stage, as PC gamers loved the GTA like freedom there, especially when it came to all the goddam vehicles...

Sure, there are still tons of problems with the level designs in Far Cry Instincts, namely invisible vines to climb, fucking mountain cliffs to platform across, and some god-awful, boring environments like the fucking mine caves filled with Flood-like pygmies... But for the most part? I prefer the linearity in Far Cry Instincts. If Halo has proven anything about console shooters to me, it's that I don't want to fucking have to think about where I need to go in a first person shooter, or how to get from point A to B. All I want is to have to strategize about the individual combat situations themselves, and never have to worry about getting fucking Lost after a fucking plane crash...

To be honest? I still think the stages in Far Cry Instincts are too damn long for their own good. Sure, I can just save at the latest checkpoint and continue from wherever I left off before I shut off my Xbox, but somehow the idea of 1.5 hour stages ruins the whole feeling of replay value that I used to get from games like Halo (which had long enough stages itself)... It's no wonder then why I hated the original PC version of the game. It was just so damn aimless in all its goddam wanderings, on both foot and in vehicles, that I was too damn bored by the time I actually got to goddam aim...

If there's one place where Far Cry Instincts is by leaps and bounds far superior to the PC version, it's the vehicles. While I still don't get the Halo, Warthog-perfection vibe from the fucking Humvees in the game, at least I can finally fucking drive in a straight line now... and walk a crooked line afterwards...

I'm not a fan of any of the vehicles in Far Cry Instincts that can run on land, as they all seem so damn floaty somehow (Humvee, dirt bikes, and hovercrafts come to mind). But when it comes to the air and sea?... Fuck, jet skis are probably done the goddam best in Far Cry next to the Wave Race series. And there absolutely is no better feeling in the Far Cry games, then soaring through the mountain ranges on a goddam hand-glider...

I've also heard that Far Cry Instincts is simply amazing in multiplayer mode. Not only does it have some amazing, Predator-like online deathmatches, but it has a built in map editor so that I can recreate all those goddam Goldeneye stages that I'm still so damn, foot-fetishly attached to... Problem is, I don't have Xbox Live, so why the fuck would I care about online? Still, I'll give this game a shot at my next family gathering, as Halo 2 definitely didn't fill the void leftover from the original Halo for us, thanks to all of Halo 2's shit map and plasma grenade designs...

When it all comes down to it though? I almost always rate every single game I review on the single player modes alone...

... good thing I'm not a real reviewer then... or at least, never a decent one...

Because while Far Cry Instincts is by far a better game than that shitstorm I bored my way through on the goddam PC?...

... it's still a far cry away, from ever being considered a truly great game in any neck of the jungle, at least...

I may love the graphics. I may adore the sound immersion. I may even tolerate the half floaty, goddam dual shock controls... And hell, I may even fucking kiss my goddam dual P90s to sleep every single fucking night of the year, for all I care...

But that still doesn't change the fact that the game was so damn mechanical in its AI, and so damn repetitive in the end with all its generic combat and piss-poor stage designs. And that doesn't change the fact, that the stealth and feral abilities feel like nothing more than goddam tack-on's, and goddam gimmicks to differentiate the back of the box from the goddam, original PC version...

Still, the hunt continues for the next truly great first person shooter series outside of Halo...

... and I fear, hidden in the foliage, that we're still a far cry away from ever finding it...

[c. visitors too bored to return...]
... best viewed in Internet Explorer 4 at 800 x 600 resolution, because that's what I still run at ...