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Y2kk Update: - Battlestar Galactica: Unfinished Business Review (Spoilers...) -

Well, actually, now that I think about it? I guess Unfinished Business wasn't exactly a terrible episode, per say...

Now sure, I hated it and would prefer for fucking donkey diarrhea to bleed out of my bloody hell ears than to ever watch this fucking bullshit again. But besides that? It's not like the actual script and the acting performances were horrible. I guess though, it's just that?...

WTF was I watching? Battlestar: The OC? Battleshit: Smallville? Gilmore Galactica? WTF?...

So, you're telling me that poor little Lee Adama was so fucking heart-broken over getting rejected over a fucking one night stand from Starbuck, that he got all fat and obese? WTF is this emo-shit? Does the former Commander also have a MySpace blog and a Friendster account to boot? Does he sing emo-rock to himself as a lullaby before sucking his own dick and going to sleep? Is that why he was dumbass enough to marry that twig bitch, Dualla? WTF?...

I don't even want to talk about the dumbass ramifications of the whole Lee and Starbuck storyline. I mean, I know the two have always had a thing for each other, obviously since Starbuck seems to have a hard-on for all things Adama (she was going to marry into the family afterall). Hell, I would prefer a fucking foursome between her and Zach and Lee and the fucking Admiral as well, screaming out which of the three was really her daddy, than the fucking soap opera bullshit we were given this episode. But instead, we got a horrible character piece where the two of them apparently love each other so much that after marrying random other people, they beat each other to a pulp in public and then embrace their sweaty bodies in front of their better halves...

Because yeah, I know that Battlestar Galactica has always been a space opera. It's just that, the soap opera shit has been done so well before in episodes like Hand of God, Home and Pegasus, that there's no fucking excuse for the writers to force feed this shit on us all in an entire episode dedicated to fucking Punch Out or some shit like that. I mean seriously, I didn't think this was possible, but the writers for once actually produced a romance so damn atrociously unbearable, that it literally made me yearn for the days of Sharon and fucking Helo getting it on. Or hell, I'd even take Anakin and Padme over this raunch bullshit, and that's just plan embarrassing. WTF?...

... sigh... at least Padma was actually hot... for the five minutes when she wasn't a CG cut-out, that is...

And yes, Boomer (or Athena) in that wonderful little tank top of hers was the only damn decent thing in this episode...

... that, along with Hot Dog getting knocked out in two seconds flat, were perhaps the only things to give me hope and to keep me going, really...

Well, okay. There was one other saving grace, I suppose. Admiral Adama duking it out with Tyrol was the real climax of the episode, and the only scene worth a real damn in the grand scheme of things. Even with his mouth all bloodied up and his face gushing red, the Admiral still managed to lay the smackdown on everyone's candy asses. He got Tyrol and his "fat, lazy ass" to get back to work, as the Admiral sacrificed a battle to win the war. That's exactly why I loved his character so much in previous seasons, that he cares so much for his crew that it breaks his heart when he knows he has to sacrifice even one of them for the greater good, and it was great that the guy finally regrew his set of balls here in Unfinished Business...

Wow. Madame President is such a whore. I guess though, nice job with that fucking passionfruit top of hers by the way, although it really made no logical sense (cinematic sense sure, but logical?) for the dusty, freezing cold planet of New Caprica to be all bright and fucking red on the day that Baltar broke ground. But besides all that, hot damn, was she ever horny. Until the scene where she and Adama are staring up at the stars, every single one of her lines pretty much screamed out, "I'm a hot MILF. Fuck me, bitch". And we've just gotta assume that Admiral Adama would tap that ass. Otherwise, why the hell would he become so damn soft in the end?...

And Lee Adama, fatass self and all, had been having a decent enough season for the most part until we ran into this goddam Starbuck shit of his. Last season, it was completely forgotten for the longest time that the two had something for each other, and it was completely ignored this season so far as well. And yet suddenly, the writers Jedi force push all this emo, teen angst bullshit back down our gullets and throats without any semblance of real character development or an arc between the both of them for the past ten or so episodes? They just expect us to go, "ooh, pretty boxing ring", completely ignore the fact that Starbuck was fucking doing kick boxing of all shitty ass cheap ass cheats, and then just call it a night as the two supposedly really do love each other? WTF?...

Who the fuck writes this bullshit? The same shithead who thought Black Market would be a good idea? WTF?...

Because if I ever happen upon the poor unfortunate soul who actually wrote this galactic piece of shit of an episode?...

Seriously, was I the only one with a sense of humour when Colonel Caldwell actually recommended using Atlantis' arsenal of drones on the poor, hapless whales? I literally laughed my ass off at the Greenpeace ramifications of annihilating an entire alien fish species. And yet, strange enough, I actually was comforted by the fact that a) Elizabeth Weir turned his gracious offer down, and b) she looked smokin' hot in that little tight T-shirt of hers while doing so...

Which kind of episode exactly? The bottled up likes of which that remind me of just why I fell in love with this series so long ago...

Now obviously, it's not like I cared for every little thing that happened in Echoes. The forced Teyla and Ronan bullshit especially pissed me off to no end, as the two barely have any chemistry whatsoever (plus, I hate seeing Ronan neutered by the stick wielding bitch like so). But for the most part, every single character in this episode had an important role to play, and every single actor and actress really delivered...

It was such a simple story, one that was predictable right off the bat. While it still remains to be confirmed whether McKay last year in the Puddle Jumper was actually seeing Carter through the mental projections of "Sam", it was at least obvious here that all the visions of the old skool Ancients were being sent as a message from the whales. It was like Star Trek 4 all over again with the shitty ass plotline on paper, although this time, I actually understood the fucking humour behind it all and actually found it to be goddam funny. WTF?...

I don't know why, but I just got so much enjoyment from McKay's little "dabbling" into the world of marine biology. Sure, I could've used a Seinfeld moment or two where a humpback whale is literally fucked by a golf ball or something, but just seeing the man ecstatic about a huge ass fish in the water was somehow great. His chemistry with Sheppard was amazing in this episode, some of the best they've had all year long, especially as the latter was getting all creeped out by Rodney's insistence to keep calling the whale as "Sam". And how the fuck could anyone not laugh at all the ramblings and babbling between the both of them when their ears were punctured by the fucking tree hugging fish of all things?...

And what, you're finally figuring this out now, why exactly? Wow, what great instincts...

How can I ever hate and harp on an episode where not only did Sheppard and McKay's little debate over Doug Flutie and the rest of the hockey players in Canada make a triumphant return, but so did the clever combination of snark and comradeship between the both of them as well? I loved how they worked together in solving the riddle of Adaris and of how to use the goddam Ancient translator machine in the first place. Well, okay, so it was actually McKay doing all the work, but Sheppard was also there to share his pearls of wisdom. And I just love how much Joe Flannigan seemed to enjoy his role in this episode, as if he was playing golf again on the Atlantis balcony again or some shit like that. He just seemed so damn eager to swim with the fishes in the Puddle Jumper so to speak, and his "plan" to shield the planet from the solar proton flare using the upgraded shields of the Daedalus actually felt smart and well-thought out by the writers...

This was even Dr. Zelenka's best frickin' episode in at least a year, if not since the first season of the show. I normally don't devote a paragraph or anything more than a single sentence to the guy, but how the fuck can he possibly be denied when the man literally stole the show as he consulted solar charts before his goddam pigeon races? Most of his scenes consisted of watching whale-shaped blips on the Atlantis sensors, yet he managed to make every single one of those moments into a scene worth watching. How the hell he pulled that off, I may never know. All I do know, is that the next time whales and dolphins and pigeons go wild, I'm making sure to get some hot bitches and go wild with them too...

But alas, not every character in this episode turned out to be a hero, but I still enjoyed their performances for the most part nonetheless. Carson should've been able to accomplish more, considering he was the lead doctor on base during a massive medical emergency. His role was a little too damn diminished for my own tastes, but he still delivered a solid performance in caring for the sick and sharing in the comedic banter as McKay and Sheppard with their ears couldn't hear worth a damn...

Ronan and Teyla were utterly useless, yet I didn't mind their presence as much as I thought I would. Ronan was completely pussy whipped and I hated him for it, but he helped make up for his complete lack of a set of balls by kicking some ass and taking names in fighting practice with Teyla. Well, okay, so maybe those scenes were only saved by the fact that Teyla once again looked smokin' hot in that little Athosian spitfire outfit of hers. Why the hell she doesn't just wear that 24/7 so that I and the rest of the male population could forgive all her character's piss poor storylines throughout the seasons, I will never know...

And seriously, has there ever been an episode with Dr. Heightmeyer that I haven't thought to be a high hallmark for the series? Now, the thing is, I find that psychologist doctor to be goddam annoying and borderline retarded at times, as she should've known by now that mere hallucinations on Atlantis just don't fucking exist. But the irony is, the more I lower my head in shame at the stupidity of the bitch, the more I end up looking down at her fucking set of perfectly shaped breasts and forgiving (or forgetting) all of the horrible writing that was put into her character in the first place. Here she went all brunette with the tight-fitting T-shirt and all, and how the fuck can I ever give the thumbs down to two fucking nipples up like that?...

Of course, speaking of hot brunettes with those tight ass T-shirts, I really did honestly believe Echoes to be Dr. Weir's best episode of the season. She was strong in command at times, helping to make decisions to save the city and all its inhabitants, yet she showed that softer diplomatic side of herself that we rarely ever see from her anymore as well, choosing to even sacrifice one of her own men to protect the goddam whales shoving for shelter underneath the city...

And when the time called, she had great chemistry with the rest of the cast and crew for once. I loved how she was mocking the "guys" when it came to their obsession with the whales outside at the start, her reaction to the fish's prominent genitalia was priceless, and who the fuck can ever forget how integral she was to all the comedy about hearing aids and shit like that? For once, I actually have to give props to the writers and the actress, for producing such a goddam satisfying performance from a bitch who's normally only satisfying when she's just goddam silent there and hot. Thank you, writers, and thank you hot smokin' tight-ass T-shirt...

And I don't know, but even if Echoes didn't really excel at anything, it did all the little things right that made it feel like an instant classic to me. I've already watched the episode three times now, and I still somehow tense up whenever the Daedalus shield is getting absolutely hammered by the solar flare. Even from an action or Sci-Fi standpoint, with McKay whining and bitching in 27-page e-mails about how it was unfair for Atlantis to lose two of its three new ZPMs, I just loved every single creative thought put into this episode. Hell, it even made Stargate SG-1 more interesting of a show in the end somehow, because now I'm actually frothing in anticipation of seeing the Odyssey still get its ass kicked and name taken by the Ori, even with a goddam ZPM powering its shields on board...

Now, the plotline of Echoes was just so damn simple, that not only did it turn out to be such a brilliant character piece for every single actor and actress on the show, but it also became one of the best damn bottle episodes that this series has ever done before...

Sadly, I didn't want the show to end, as the inner tree hugger within was actually smiling and sobbing as Sam the whale was waving goodbye and flipping us all off. WTF?..

Last week, Atlantis made my ears bleed. But goddammit, this week's episode was just so damn satisfying, that it even made the dumbass disappointment of The Return (Part 2) seem like just a goddam distant echo...

Oh dear God, now I'm starting to wish that Stargate Atlantis never did return...

Okay, so I thought there was some potential in The Return (Part 1) before the mid-season break. It seemed like it had a decent plotline to me, where a hell of a lot was obviously hidden from obvious view. It didn't make sense to me that ever so conveniently, the Ancients would just show up and somehow make their return, steal Atlantis from the SGA crew, and then get themselves fucked over by the Replicators in ten seconds flat. Surely real Ancients could never be that damn dumb and that damn arrogant anymore, especially after losing to the goddam Wraith from the same damn mistakes, right?...

But wait. What was the only goddam line in The Return (Part 2) that even mentioned the Ancients?...

What a fucking letdown. The Ancients in SG-1 were built up to be the ultimate race, the perfect evolution of humanity that we all aspire in becoming. But fucking Atlantis episodes that actually show the Ancients in their dumbass entirety, stemming all the way back to Before I Sleep, just ruins the illusion of perfection to the point where the inner ascended geek within just can't stand this bullshit from the writers anymore...

The Return (Part 2) had potential marked all over it, yet the writers and producers somehow managed to squander it all. The Replicators were all a bore fest in terms of personality in The Return. Now sure, technically the show is going for The Borg Redux or some shit like that with their monotonous voices and their ability to adapt to our disruptor weapons. But at least the last time we saw the Asurans, we had characters like Niam and fatass Oberoth to make things interesting. Meanwhile in this episode, every frickin' enemy character was goddam generic as hell, and it certainly wasn't good (or bad?) when both the white and the black Replicator guys started to all blend and look the goddam same to me in the end...

And the Replicators themselves? They fell for the oldest trick in the goddam book, the same stupidity that got the goddam Star Trek Borg in trouble everytime they assimilated someone and just took their knowledge at face value. The Ancients may have been complete and arrogant dumbasses an episode before, and it all got them killed in the process, but shouldn't the Replicators at least noticed something was wrong when Ronan, before firing even a single shot, dropped the only weapon that ever could've prevented his capture? Sure, the deus ex machina twist of turning the shield into one massive Replicator weapon was decent, but it was just too goddam obviously coming to me as the lameass C4 "plot C" crap proved that something was definitely up...

And then the writers had to try to make me feel like a complete fucking moron by spelling everything out in flashback scenes that showed way too much and completely disrupted the flow of the entire goddam episode...

And it just becomes obvious that the writing in an episode is subpar when at times it literally felt like a script that even I would concoct. What was the fuck was all the talk of Plan A and B and C and F for? It felt like practically half of the lines in the entire hour were comprised of that one word of "plan" alone, as if the writers really had no fucking thesaurus to take a gander at or some crap like that. While The Return (Part 1) at least felt like a cohesive story about the characters and their relationship to Atlantis, what the fuck did the second parter really offer?...

Practically every character on the series was adapted to be a generic action hero in The Return (Part 2), with almost none of the character development they showed in the first parter manifesting here in any semblance or form whatsoever. Dr. Weir actually had one of her best performances in the last episode, yet here all she did was bitch and whine about how it was her plan to use Niam and spread yet another Independence Day virus, and how Sheppard was letting the drones blow up all her favourite buildings. It didn't even feel right in the uber-rushed ending, how she was hugging O'Neill of all old and saggy MacGyver clones. The music may have been swooning, but after such an action oriented episode of absolutely no damn plot worth a damn whatsoever, I just didn't give a shit...

Suffice to say, just like the room decorations, this episode felt a tad bit Spartan...

Jack O'Neill and Woolsey were actually a good comedic duo though. The problem was however, that this is Stargate Atlantis we're talking about here, not SG-1. Now sure, I loved some of O'Neill's classic lines, whether they were about dramatic suspense or deadman switches. The thing is though, I was astounded by just how much screen time he and Richard took away from the actual cast of SGA. WTF?...

I know it's almost like a damned if you do, damned if you don't scenario for the writers here, considering I was lamenting the fact that the General had almost no role in Part 1. But here, I was still shocked and sort of disappointed as well, that almost a fifth of the episode seemed to have been spent on old man O'Neill swimming in the flooded sections of Atlantis. Sure, I was entertained, but it just felt wrong for SG-1 characters (aside from McKay) from screwing over the rest of the cast and crew of the spin-off series I was actually watching...

... sigh... you can almost hear the Daedalus bringing Carter along for next season already... uggh...

And because of Jack and Richard stealing the Shakespearean spotlight, no character on the SGA series itself really managed to shine. Sure, Teyla got to dual wield ARGs, Beckett got to blow up the Atlantis stardrive, and Ronan got his ass kicked and name taken, but do we really care? Half the time, I was just rolling my eyes that the Replicators never noticed that a plan to blow up the city with C4 was just so damn lameass to be true, that that I didn't care what the fuck the rest of the characters on the cast and crew of the show were actually doing...

I normally love McKay, I really do. But considering half of his lines in the episode consisted of the word, "plan", and the other half of his screentime was wasted on him complaining that Niam would wake up and kill them all, I just couldn't feel the McKay love this episode. And the same goes for Sheppard really, especially as he was being berating by fucking Weir as he was driving the damn Puddle Jumper and trying to save all their lives. He should've just told her to shut the fuck up and given her a sturdy backhand or some shit like that, just like any real man would have done behind the wheel, and only then would I have given him my goddam support and approval...

Now sure, despite my complaints, there were some great moments in The Return (Part 2). Obviously, O'Neill had some fantastic lines reminiscent of his SG-1 seventh season performances, the CG shots of the city tower being blown apart by Sheppard and his crew were jaw-dropping, and the chase of the Jumper (or Gateship, as the Replicators called it) by drones was pretty damn suspenseful as well. Now sure, as the geek that I am, I was pissed as hell at first that the fucking drones couldn't seem to pierce the weakened shields on a fucking Puddle Jumper of all things. But on further inspection in slow mo, the drone actually passed through (or bounced off... maybe) the very edge of the PJ shield (as Sheppard dodged it at the last second), leaving it ambiguous whether drones really can penetrate any damn known defence or not. But whatever, enough geek talk for now...

Because that really was all The Return (Part 2) was good for. With huge ass explosions, energy ARG weapons, and a fucking massive city shield being powered by three fucking reset-button ZPMs, this episode really felt like a fucking fan-wank for all the geeks that wish to see Atlantis rise up with its stardrive and kick some Ori ass. But while obviously I'm a fucking huge nerd myself, the thing I care most about from my goddam Stargate Atlantis are the personalities and character development of every member of the cast and crew. And considering half of this episode was filled with just generic Replicator ramblings, and the other half was used up by SG-1 characters for some goddam reason, I just can't help but give this episode a good ol' grade of "Plan Fucking F"...

There was just so much potential for The Return (Part 2) after I had hoped that the Ancients in the first parter were actually Replicators, and after I had actually loved the acting performances from Torri Higginson and Dr. Beckett and all the rest long ago...

But oh dear God, now I'm wishing that Stargate Atlantis never made its return...

... or at least, not the return of the goddam fucking stupidity of season fucking two, that is...

And no, contrary to popular (or misguided) belief, he alone was not enough to save this episode...

It's not like Hero was the greatest of hours of storytelling or anything. I pretty much equate it to The Captain's Hand from last season. It was an overall solid standalone episode with admirable acting. And quite frankly, it's also been the only decent episode of the third season of Battlestar Galactica next to Exodus (Part 2), in my honest opinion at least...

Of course, the faults with this season of Galactica still goddam abound. So many characters just didn't feel like their real selves, with Starbuck completely ignoring the hardass character she supposedly became back on New Caprica, and with Dualla playing the token black girl role with her three second stint. Almost every other character was completely missing in action, whether it be Gaeta or Boomer, although I thank the gods that Helo only had a single token moron scene in the CIC...

This was probably Lee's best and only decent episode of the season so far. Now sure, he didn't even have many moments, looking completely out of place without his fatass face at his father's medal ceremony even. What I did enjoy though, was how he actually stood behind and even defended his father's past against the Admiral himself. It was foolish and "naive" of William Adama to believe that he alone had sowed the seeds of the destruction of humanity, and it not only wise but right of Lee to lay the smackdown on his father for ever really giving it a serious thought. Lee in the first season of the show would've just blamed his father in a Tom Welling teen angst way, while Lee in the second season would've just been too damn lazy or bloody hell fat to even get off his ass in the first place to argue. It was nice that his character was given at least some semblance of intelligence here, and it was great that the actor was actually able to pull it off...

If there's any real reason why this review of Hero won't be nearly as long as my normal BSG reviews, it's not because there's nothing to say, but rather there's nothing that needs to be said. Edward James Olmos is simply the best damn actor in SciFi today (or at least since TNG went off the air), and I think all of us here already fucking know that. He alone carried the entire Galactica team to Valkryie victory here with his damn fine performance alone. Whether he was just silently contemplating in the corner of a room or tearing himself apart at the seams for the guilt over what he had done, he was simply amazing in his role as Admiral. He didn't just seem to carry the weight of the world on his shoulders anymore, but rather the weight of an old man with a heavy conscience...

And if anything? I don't know, but Edward James Olmos alone was able to bring the strong character arc of an atmosphere from the first season of the show back into this season for the first time this year. The flashbacks on the Valkyrie were all done well, in a shaky cam sort of way far more reminiscent of the way BSG used to be able to pull it off successfully years ago. And the fact that he knowingly and willingly shot down one of his favourite pilots to prevent a war with the Cylons, actually brings to light a better reason why he was so unwilling to leave Kara alone to die on a dusty planet back in season one. He refused to leave anyone behind starting from the moment he sacrificed ol' Danny Dixon and couldn't live with himself, and I personally felt that Hero helped flesh out the backstory of BSG's true hero pretty damn well in the end...

But okay, so maybe Papa Smurf Adama in this episode did have his weak spots from time to time. Having the Galactica to be the old man's "graceful retirement" for the botched black ops was pretty damn dumb, considering back in the mini-series, it had seemed like he was in love with the ol' ship as if it had been his for decades. It was also pretty damsel in distress of him to actually naively believe that he alone could've started the Cylon war, when if I was in place, I would've instead believed that actually going to war with the Cylons then and there could've prevented their disastrous surprise attack on the colonies a year later. And I honestly don't get why the Admiral was weaksauce enough to tenure his resignation to the president then and there, when really he should've known better that there really is nobody else in the fucking fleet to take his place. Because I sure as hell wouldn't want fatass Lee back at the helm...

Even if the Admiral did have his moments of weakness before the president, the thing is, Hero was strengthened by the fact that this was truly Laura Roslin's best episode since the first season of the show. She was warm, compassionate and understanding at times, but also confident and wise enough to know what needed to be done for the greater good. There was no logic in letting Adama resign his commission, and she even made him miserable by pinning a medal on his chest, just for the moral of the entire fleet...

And I don't know, but there were just so many little things that the actress did well in the episode that also somehow made Hero feel special. Not only did we get some lovely scenes of Torri lookin' as smoking hot as Torrie fucking Wilson from the WWE, but was Roslin also trying to flirt with Adama or some shit like that when she was asking what really happened with Bulldog and the black ops? Because all I do know, is that sadly, I was turned on by the little flip of her dress then and there. WTF?...

Or maybe Edward James Olmos just has this amazing talent to make every fucking actor around him into sheer Shakespearean genius. It certainly worked with Colonel Tigh this episode, as his whining and griping and bitching at this point in time actually made goddam sense for once. He was still the ever dumbass badass, giving away the truth to Dixon how Jennifer Garner left him to rot in Cylon space for the betterment of her career, but at least it led to some amusing results. And then what do you know, but Tigh actually manned up and took one for the team, playing the hero for once instead of the devil's advocate and actually saving the ass of his friend. Now, I don't get why he didn't just send Starbuck to save the old man's ass instead, considering she could've gotten there a hell of a lot sooner than a one eyed drunk, but whatever. Either way, Tigh for once was worth a goddam moment or two on the show, and that's saying a hell of a lot...

But of course, sure Tigh may have played the hero, but I think we all know who the real hero of the story is. Because only Gaius Baltar could get a hot poker shoved up his ass one week, and then shove his own finger up the hot asses of two fucking smokin' bitches the next...

... hot damn, for the first time since the first season, I want to be that man...

... God, do I want to be in his shoes... and to be in his women, but I digress...

Now, I have no idea whether Hero will survive under the microscope of scrutiny. Like I said, I equate it for now to The Captain's Hand, an episode I quite enjoyed for the most part on first viewing, but one that I just didn't really give a shit about on the second screening. And despite Admiral Adama's admirable performance, right now I just don't feel the goddam urge to watch Hero a second time fold...

But at least finally, for the first time and pretty much the only goddam time since Exodus (Part 2) this season, Battlestar Galactica actually produced an episode worthy enough to be fucking goddam watchable in the goddam first place. And at least that's saying something...

Because for the most part? The third season of the show has been just so goddam atrociously painful, that not only would I prefer to watch goddam Heroes on television during the fucking goddam week...

... but that I would rather prefer to watch goddam reruns of fucking Alias as well...

Y2kk Update: - Smallville: Static small Smallville Week in Review (Spoilers...) -

"Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars... But Lana Lang? One hour straight of Lana Lang?... is straight from fucking hell. WTF?"...

You know what? I would actually give Static a positive review, if the entire episode had actually consisted of Clark Kent in fucking Seattle, going mono a mono with the big badass Zoner from the WWE. But no, instead we were forced into one hour full of cock-blocking shit of Lana and Lex expressing their undying (and unphased...) goddam love for each other. WTF?...

My fucking God, I'd rather watch random static on my fucking television screen than this fucking bullshit...

Why the fuck are we supposed to care? Last week, at least I had the pleasure of seeing Lana Lang collapse in a pool of her own bile. But this week, not only was she a complete bitch whenever it came to anyone talking smack about her boyfriend, but she also again had to whine and gripe as the damsel in distress the full time through? The scenes where she cries and bitches about not wanting to have this baby of hers alone were just so damn overacted, that I'm sure that even the camera angles of soap operas wouldn't have been able to stop the cheese flowing through my television set. Why the fuck are we ever supposed to care?...

Lex Luthor, God I felt so damn miserable for him whenever he was stuck with Lana, and so much happier for him when he didn't have to put up with her goddam shit while phase-shifted. Normally here, I'd imagine it would've been a living nightmare to not be able to touch or interact with anything or anyone. But in his case, if I were him, I would've welcomed it with open arms...

How is he supposed to be the villain of the show exactly? He's always the pussy whipped motherfucker of his relationship with Lana, silently and poetically expressing his love for the bitch even when she couldn't hear him. Sure, that grates the ears and rolls the eyes, but is he really evil? Aside from just collecting a bunch of meteor freaks in a lab (which almost every self respecting government or corporation would do to prevent them from ever being a threat), what did he do wrong in this episode at all? He only killed that random MWAHAHA electrician freak out of self-defense, so what the fuck did Lex really do wrong?...

But on the flip side of things? It's not like these two characters were the only ones who were complete and utter crap this episode. I guess stupidity on the series really is infectious, because Lionel Luthor just isn't making much sense anymore. Yes, we realize he's supposed to be evil again, but isn't he supposed to hide it better than he is? Last week, he was all chirps and whistles at Thanksgiving dinner, and yet now he was being all ambiguously evil when around Chloe Sullivan all over again? What happened to his charade? He's now flipping between good and evil every frickin' goddam episode from now on? WTF?...

Chloe herself bugged me to hell in Static as well. I know I should just learn to ignore and block out all goddam idiotic computer shit on television shows, but really, how the fuck can I ignore the Swordfish stupidity here in Static? First of all, how the fuck did she copy an entire database to her fucking iPod on the fly? Sure, it may be actually possible, but it's just fucking retarded to do so when you can just fucking get a massive external hard drive for so much cheaper. And second, how the fuck did she actually copy encrypted, password protected files to her fucking iPod in the first place? They're fucking goddam protected for a reason, meaning you can't even begin to access them let alone copy them for fucking code breaking later. WTF?...

Then again, this is the same goddam show where apparently jamming radio frequencies can pull phase-shifted people within an entire room out of some foregone, goddam dimension. And the same damn show that actually thinks we give a shit about Lana and Lex macking out in front of Allison Mack in the mansion as a good thing. Whatever...

The only damn parts I did give a shit about in Static were based in Seattle, which was a nice change of pace from the Metropolis of Vancouver for once. We barely got any scenes of Batista sucking down bone marrow for breakfast, but what we did get was actually more graphic and satisfying than I ever originally expected from the series. How the fuck can't I enjoy a moment where he rips out some cop's spine, or tosses Clark Kent helplessly into a fucking sky high crane?...

Of course, Clark Kent got beaten down like a goddam government mule. So much for being the badass hero of the story...

Instead, it all boiled down to the Alien Man-Eater versus the Martian Manhunter...

Umm... you have super strength, invincibility, fucking heat vision, fucking light speed, and as Kal-El you have even been known to fly faster than a fucking nuclear missile. What the fuck did the Martian Manhunter exactly do that you can only dream of, besides having a brain and an actually clever gimmick of goddam Oreos, that is? WTF?...

Okay, so Tom Welling sucked bone marrow ass in this episode, as usual. But as a comic book geek, I personally thought the very short and stunted introduction of DC's Martian Manhunter into the series to be pretty overall well done in the end. Unlike with Aquaman and Cyborg, a forced romance wasn't stuffed down our throats. It was all about kicking ass, taking names and having a jonsing for goddam Oreo cookies. And that I can definitely relate to, if only because I had a craving for that goddam cream-filled shit afterwards myself...

Because rather than have the fucking November Sweeps episode concentrate on the emergence of Superman as a real Hero instead of just a goddam Helo, we get an entire fucking hour of Lana fucking Lang instead. WTF?...

Can somebody please lay the smackdown on all the writers' candy asses for me? Please, just this once?...

Because this episode wasn't just so damn atrociously painful, that I would've rather watched pure goddam static on my television screen...

... but that I would've rather goddam watched WWE Raw or Smackdown instead as well...

Y2kk Update: - Battlestar Galactica: A Small Measure of Salvation Review (Spoilers...) -

Last week, I somewhat praised the writers for producing a small measure of salvation for the series...

Ironic, really. That on Remembrance Day, not only did Battlestar Galactica air perhaps their least memorable episode of all fucking time, but a show that was a complete disservice to the men and women who fought and died for our freedoms in all the years of the past...

Hell, A Small Measure of Salvation was just so much of an embarrassment not just to the series but to SciFi in general, then it even makes the goddam liberialism of the New Caprica arc seem metaphorically brilliant in comparison. WTF?...

This episode started off on the right foot though. The camera angles and the doom and gloom of the Colonials finding and boarding the downed Basestar had its moments. The music and the fear of what would happen to Athena as she stepped onboard the infected ship was already enough to get me excited for the rest of the episode. Sure, it was dumbass as hell that everyone took off their spacesuits and breathed in the air of what pretty much looked like an outbreak zone. But hey, one small fault in an episode doesn't a Smallville shit ass episode make, right?...

A Small Measure of Salvation must have been no small feat for the writers to concoct something this damn thoughtless and this damn pathetically dumbass in the end. There were just so many cop-outs and shortcuts done to get from point A to B, that it seriously reminded me of goddam Star Trek Voyager of all fucking series...

Why the fuck was Sharon immune to the disease? Because her fucking miracle hybrid of a child helped her produce anti-bodies? Sure, I can accept that explanation from a scientific point of view, but not from a goddam story-telling one. The entire fear and threat of the episode was removed then and there. The only thing I gave a shit about was the future of Athena, and I seriously had thought that she'd be stuck taking Doc Cottle's treatment for the disease for the rest of her existence. Instead though, the writers gave her character a complete free-fucking-pass from the plague, as if it never fucking happened in the first place. Whatever happened to continuity and consequences in the series anymore, I will never know...

So what if Apollo and co wanted to wipe out the Cylons? The thing is, while obviously I disagree with genocide, it's not like I've ever encountered a situation where twelve fucking billion human beings were wiped out in a single fucking attack. There shouldn't have even been a debate in the Battlestar Galactica world about thinking twice on removing the Cylon threat once and for all. If the Cylons aren't destroyed, then not only would humanity from the twelve colonies be wiped out, but the people of earth would probably be fucked over as well. Sure, you lose a part of your soul destroying an entire species, but don't you lose a part of your soul anyways every time you fucking kill a person in cold blood, or even self defence? As a metaphor for 9/11, I can see the point in the debate about genocide. But when talking about retribution for twelve fucking billion people dead and the survival of the last remnants of humanity, then why the fuck would I ever give a shit about morals and pussy shit like that?...

Not only that, but why the fuck would the plague work on the Cylons in the first place? I had thought from Torn that the disease had been specifically designed to combat the Cylon gene pool, otherwise how the fuck could it carry over through resurrection ship shit? Yet here we learn that it was just a thirty thousand year old disease that apparently humans had become immune to, yet Cylons in their cancer-solving ways couldn't even last ten seconds against it. And if it was a human disease, how the fuck could it ever transmit through radio-esque waves into the fucking Resurrection ship? I really don't get it. I just don't fucking get it...

It would've been so much better if maybe the Colonials had actually tried their tactic in destroying the Cylons, only for the Cylons to shut down their resurrection ship and self destruct it before the plague could spread. That way, the writers would at least have had some consequences left over from their actions (the crew of the ship feeling remorse for trying genocide and failing, the Cylons now wanting revenge, and the Colonials having a tactical advantage over their enemies out of the fear for their new biological weapon). But no, for some odd reason, Ron Moore completely forgot about all the continuity that made his Battlestar Galactica into a decent series in the first place. Instead, he wrapped everything up in a neat little package with a bow on top, and "closed the book" on absolutely the dumbest ass decision that Admiral Adama could ever make...

Nobody's coming for you. And who the fuck has ever come for Sharon in the past goddam year? Adama treats her like a goddam daughter, and you're somehow still the fucking XO of the fucking only Battlestar left in existence. And yet you're showing goddam teen angst for being the only real fucking traitor on the ship? WTF?...

I don't care whether Helo was right or wrong about morals. The fact is, Athena had it right, that as soon as you wear the uniform and give your oaths, you just never forsake the badge. Even if you're right in your decision, you're still a fucking traitor and you should take the consequences of it (normally execution) like a man, at least knowing you were right. The thing is, absolutely the biggest fucking cop-out of the episode, was that after his actions sacrificed not only Galactica's only tactical advantage over the Cylons but also the men and women fighting in Vipers during the battle, nobody fucking came for Helo at all. He was completely safe, and still the executive officer of the fucking Battlestar Galactica? What the fuck is this? What the fuck is this shit? Tom Paris and Star Trek Voyager? WTF?...

Ironic really, that the only time Helo ever grew a set of balls was when he was acting as a complete and utter fucking pussy. WTF?...

And there were just so many other problems with this episode that I can't even begin to mention them all. WTF was Gaeta and Dualla doing back in CIC? Apparently, the reset button not only made Lee completely content with being a major again, but now everyone had back their old jobs after a year of rust and doing absolute shit on the planet? And after one fucking episode of an ass kicking, just ten minutes later and Starbuck is back to being a model space cadet in her Viper? WTF?...

Sure, Sharon was hot, especially as she was sweating sweet shit out of fear that that pussy goo on her hands would somehow give her Cylon AIDs. But her character was just so damn ruined by this complete cop-out of an episode, by all the stupid ass mistakes that the writers fucking made, and by the fact that fucking Helo of all bitches was by her side, that even I couldn't bear witness to just how smokin' fucking cute she really was...

We were meant to be touched or perhaps mortified by the talks between Admiral Adama and Laura Roslin about the use of biological weapons and goddam genocide. But I'm sorry, I know she's a school teacher and everything, but this debate felt like it was just something ripped out of an elementary school text book for goddam war time politics and morals. I've seen all this shit before from Ron Moore himself in Star Trek: The Next Generation's "I, Borg", and it was a hell of a lot better done back then (even if the decision at the end was purely pussy dumbass). Here, there really should have been no debate. Twelve billion humans dead, with only 40 000 left. In that scenario, you take what you can get and you run with it, as sometimes really you have no choice but to believe that the end really does justify the means...

Imagine what would've happened if the world had just rolled over for Hitler sixty fucking years ago. For the sake of the morals of a few people then and there, we would've let a madman take over the planet with his goddam principles of genocide and shit like that. People still blast away at America for using the nuclear bomb on Japan, even though chances were that not using it would've let hundreds of thousands of more deaths happen in terms of regular bombing raids and ground assault combat. Sometimes, you do what you have to do not for yourself and not for your own conscience, but for the sake of the children of your children. For your descendants to have the chance to give more of a shit about iPods and teen fucking angst television shows than whether they were next in line to be goddam slaughtered...

Because that's what it means to be a soldier. That's what it means to be a veteran.

And truth be told, A Small Measure of Salvation was worth anything but just a goddam post-it note on goddam Remembrance Day...

... I would've preferred a goddam rerun of Hand of God than this shit, thank you very much...

... as anything but this week's episode would've been at least a small measure of salvation...

Y2kk Update: - Smallville: Rage small Smallville Week in Review (Spoilers...) -

"Rage? RAGE?!? WTF kind of name is that? Why not just call the episode, 'Teen Fucking Angst'? Seriously, WTF?"...

What the hell were the writers thinking with this completely shitasstic Thanksgiving episode? Were they trying to make every member of their audience feel abandoned, impoverished and utterly retarded like the people we're supposed to be helping on this American holiday?...

... or were they simply trying to one-up Ang Lee and The Hulk in the shit-ass, super serum category of superheroes? WTF?...

Maybe if the Green Arrow had actually pulled off a Hulk Smash, I might give this episode the time of day. But having to deal with that sore loser of a motherfucker whine and gripe for an hour long straight was not exactly my choice for the holidays, considering how fucking wooden the actor has always been. His speech at the end, of wanting to be like Clark Kent or Michael Jordan or whoever else the fuck, was just so poorly written and so wretchedly performed that I seriously wished that Superman would just lay the smackdown on his candy ass. And it was just so damn sappy that he would show up to Thanksgiving dinner at the Kents, without anyone noticing that he was the Green Arrow (Chloe sure has gone dumb blonde since hooking up with Jimmy and Bimmy...). I know Oliver's parents are dead, but he seriously has nowhere else to go? WTF?...

Shoving every actor and actress into the same Kent room was meant to show the togetherness of Thanksgiving, but really only ended up conveying the goddam cheapness of the producers and the show. At least it did juxtapose against the eerily distant dinner between Lana Lang and Lex Luthor, which was good I suppose considering that Lex is meant to be the villain of the show. The thing is, even when he's trying to be all badass (sending a hobo to gang rape some female doctor), he gets overshadowed at his own game. Lana Lang was just such an utter bitch in this episode, that Lex should have actually been thankful that he was able to stay more than an arm's length from that fucking dirty whore at dinner...

You know what I did care about though? Seriously, this was my exact reaction the moment that Lana Lang collapsed in a heap of her own shit on the floor...

Now, if the soap opera triangle does become complete, and somehow either a) the baby belongs to Zod instead of Lex, b) it actually belongs to both Zod and Clark at the same time, or c) it was born without any help but from the mitachlorians of the universe, then maybe this plotline of hers will find a small measure of salvation. But until then, why the fuck would we ever care about her predicament? Kristen Kreuk is such a fucking bitch on the show, that the only thing saving her a spot on the cast are her fucking goddam looks. So why the fuck would anyone give her the time of the day if they presented her as goddam fat? WTF?...

Chloe and Lois were decent in this episode I suppose, except for contracting Superman-itis in being complete goddam dunces of airheads. I still don't like the Chloe and Jimmy relationship, and Lois really has no chemistry with Oliver whatsoever (which is sort of the point...), but at least the both of those gals still look cute as a couple when together on screen. The writers really pushed the limit on our acceptance of the stupidity of the Superman universe though, when Chloe went from first talking about Oliver Queen to then suddenly jumping into a discussion of The Green Arrow without ever putting two and two together. Then again, this is the universe where everyone in the future will somehow forget what Clark Kent looks without glasses. Go figure...

I hate to say this, but Clark Kent was perhaps the only redeeming aspect of the entire damn episode. Not that I enjoyed the performance of Tom Welling one damn bit, but it was only his storyline that actually made any fucking sense. Yeah sure, Oliver was green with envy about Clark's powers (and they did mention that maybe he does get a bit lonely come Thanksgiving), so maybe there was a small point to make about his rage against the machine as well. But I guess considering it was around this time that Jonathan Kent died on the show last year, I kind of did sort of fall for the goddam sap story of Clark Kent now being the man of the hour at Thanksgiving dinner...

Of course, I don't understand how the fuck that both Martha the Whore and her son could completely forget that it was Lionel Luthor sitting there at the table that had killed Jonathan just last year. Or how Chloe could conceivably forgive that Lionel had tried to kill both her and her father when he was first sent to prison and shaved fucking bald. Yet instead, we get scenes of Ma Kent playing the Lana Lang of her goddam gross as fuck relationship with goddam Lion-El...

Since when has Smallville ever made sense? Since when has any episode ever made me smile instead of just wanting to wreck things with a goddam Hulk smash of the hands?...

Sure, I enjoyed the episode of "Green Arrow" this season. But now knowing of all the pain and misfortune that it would bring me in the episodes to come, such as in "Rage"? Even that decent hour of the series has been rendered moot as a fucking shit stain on a goddam stick...

Now don't get me wrong, considering I still watch Smallville for some goddam reason, there are some things to definitely be thankful for...

... and I'm definitely thankful for Lana Lang collapsing into a pool of her own fucking horny as fuck piss...

But what I'm definitely not thankful for, is the fact that I forced myself into enduring such a shitty ass goddam episode on a week that's supposed to be a goddam holiday...

One side of me wants to applaud Battlestar Galactica, for producing an episode really worthy of the genre of "Sci-Fi". Almost every single scene on the Basestars felt completely alienish to me, far more than any Star Trek show in recent memory, and I just gotta give Ron Moore some props for that...

But on the other hand? There's this other side of me, that just wants to gut his fucking eyeballs out for making a complete travesty of a BSG episode. Torn was absolutely nothing like the "realistic" Sci-Fi that he's been producing through the series for the past two years. And as a result, this episode just felt like a bastardized version of his dream...

On the right side of things, I really thought that the concept of "projection" when it came to the Cylons sense of perception was a great idea. It also brought forth a lot of the old side of Gaius Baltar, the self-serving and completely self-preserving aspect of him that I've loved since the first season of the show. Ron Moore finally returned to some of his old roots of having Number Six crawl inside and outside of his head, and the cinematography in those scenes was pretty much breath-taking. If only from the view from the top of Tricia Helfair's tiny little bra...

But on the wrong side of things, the rest of the Cylon world was boring as fuck. I guess the hybrid was saying some meaningful things that we won't understand until the end of the series, but besides that (and the orgasms from jumps), I didn't care for all of that thing's scenes. The Cylon world has been divided, to the point where they weren't just bickering amongst themselves but also completely ignoring the pleas of the hybrid. While I do respect the subtle social commentary there (along with the parallels with what was happening on Adama's ship at the same time), all the boring ass music and all the fucked up quick camera shots were disorienting me to the point where I just wasn't enjoying myself anymore. It was interesting yes, but just not fucking enjoyable...

But on the other hand? We had Grace fucking Park in the nude doing Tai Chi or Yoga or whatever sort of crap. Fuck, how the fuck can I ever rip and scorn an episode like that?...

Well, then again, the scenes on Galactica were pretty meaningless. They just seemed so fucking low budget, having everything happen pretty much in the same room with the same actors the whole damn time. Kara was a complete and utter bitch, and a boring one to say the least. The cutting of her hair was meant to be meaningful, but just didn't have the spirit behind it that Adama had when he shaved his pornstache. And it's just that, both Starbuck and Col. Tigh were way too one-dimensional characters, doing nothing in the end but being generic malcontents. They didn't have anything new to say that hasn't already been bashed onto our heads throughout the first few episodes of the season, about trust and hot showers and shit like that...

Wait, didn't Starbuck get to shower and eat hot steaks and shit like that in her captivity? And wasn't Saul only on the goddam planet for four fucking months, by his own fucking choice? Why the fuck are they whining and bitching and griping so damn much about four fucking months? What the fuck is this? The Grenada Convention? WTF?...

Then again, the episode was all saved by Admiral fucking Adama, laying the utmost smackdown on both their candy asses. Edward James Olmos was a badass motherfucker in Exodus (Part 2), and here he was a badass motherfucker yet again. He knocked Starbuck out of her chair without a hint of hesitation, and dared the both of them to shoot him square in the chest, almost as if it was goddam Sharon back in season one he was talking to all over again. Hell, he even stood up to Kara in the most personal of ways, stating that she was once a daughter to him but no longer. And his chest to chest thumping with Saul, if that sounds good, was probably their most goddam significant moment on the series in a year...

But fuck, then I remember how this episode felt like so much of a goddam reset button. How the fuck did Lee Adama lose his fucking fatass self in just under a week (unless time wonkiness is in full effect)? Or more for that matter, why the fuck was he reduced from Commander to just his old fucking Major self, and he now has to take orders from goddam Helo of all bitches? Everything on Galactica just seems to be back in its old season one or two way, before the Pegasus had appeared on the series. Tyrol and Cally were no longer husband and wife really, but rather coworkers. Lt. Gaeta had his old job back, doing the science sort of crap on the show. And even Grace fucking Park was back in her old Boomer role aboard the Galactica, even if her callsign had changed...

But I just can't help it if I fell in love with the Sci-Fi drama shit of this episode as well. Laura Roslin was only in a single scene, but she seemed as warm and open-hearted as you'd expect from a "good" lion watching over you with a blinking eye, I suppose. I loved the discussion on the whereabouts of earth, and I am curious as hell about that probe supposedly from our fair planet. If it really was left behind from the thirteenth tribe, how the hell did it produce a plague that would affect all Cylon models from far in the future? Leoban always did say that everything had happened before and is happening again, but does that also include the invention of the Cylons? Is it time travel we're talking about here or some sort of shit? WTF?...

It's just that, so many interesting prospects for the characters was brought up in this episode. Laura Roslin was able to "project" the hallucinations of snakes back in season one, so could that possibly mean she is one of the remaining five Cylon models that the others never speak of? And it was an interesting parallel, how Admiral Adama essentially shoved Kara out of the chair of the daughter in his heart, and gave that role to Grace Park instead. For those of you who don't know, "Athena" was the name of Adama's actual daughter back in the original Battlestar Galactica series...

Now, if the plague really does affect everything Cylon in its range within mere moments, not only does that mean poor "Athena" is about to be spewing a hell of a lot of morning sickness bile quite soon for the second damn time in the series, but perhaps it also shows that Laura Roslin really is the goddam chosen Neo one afterall? If she now has Cylon cells throughout her bloodstream (due to her miracle cure from cancer), maybe she really is the leader who will lead the tribes to earth but can't land a step on the new homeworld herself...

And maybe the writers actually do have a fucking plan afterall? Who fucking knows? But it sure as hell seemed like it in Torn, for the first time in God knows how long......

And there you have it. I'm honestly split half and half like a fucking shitty ass hybrid engine on this episode...

On the one hand, it was an interesting piece of Sci-Fi art that was so damn different from the rest of the series that it can't help but be noticed...

But on the other hand? It just seemed so damn low budget, with so many Sci-Fi cliches at times, that I felt like I was watching a cheapass homage to the original Star Trek goddam series. And considering Ron Moore was once Mr. Star Trek himself, that's probably exactly what I was witnessing...

Seriously, I both loved and loathed, enjoyed and completely disliked this episode all at the same time. WTF?...

On the one hand, the Cylon scenes completely mindfucked my eyeballs, and most moments on Galactica were generic as holy goddam fuck...

Y2kk Update: - Smallville: Fallout small Smallville Week in Review (Spoilers...) -

I expected big things from Fallout. Good things actually, from the preview and the early synopsis at least...

Because Fallout turned out to be more like the goddam aftermath of nuclear war, or a nuclear wasteland of a bloody hell waste of my time...

... or simply nuclear fucking power going to waste by laying waste on Clark Kent's whiny ass...

And sadly? The pathetic performance of goddam Bow Wow on the series was the very least of Fallout's problems...

Here we had such a promising premise. A bad ass motherfucker from the Phantom Zone (who dons a black body as a suit, naturally) cuts a swath across North America to take out the last son of Krypton. Only problem is, he's a fucking moron, and he gets his ass handed to him even after draining the power source from Milton Fine. You'd think that if he really had the power to destroy half a continent with a single shot, that he's just fucking do it already instead of getting kicked in the face by the fucking Supergirl wannabe. But no, once again the writers and special FX people completely copy out, and have Clark Kent somehow save the day with that magical emblem of his father's in ten seconds flat, whatever the fuck that thing is supposed to be...

Of course, with great power comes great sacrifices, or however the fuck the saying is supposed to go. Now normally, considering she was quite hot, I'd mourn the death of poor Raya. Only problem was, she was even more of a moron than Kal-El. Seriously, what the fuck is up with Kryptonians just standing there still and letting themselves get shot? Now, if it's a bullet coming their way, I can understand why they'd like to just wait for it to bounce off their chest so they could pound their breast plate in cocky ass pride. But when you know something is coming your way that can fucking kill you in a single bloody hell shot, why the fuck don't you just get the fuck out of there? WTF?...

Raya was hot alright, but she had absolutely no chemistry with Clark whatsoever. I at least expected the writers to have her point out to the poor Smallville bastard that his father was actually a good man, and that the voice in the Fortress of Solitude was probably just Zod fucking with his mind. But no, instead she turns into the complete and utter fucking bitch that apparently all women really are across the known universe, and flat out spits in Clark's face to suck it up and stop being a pussy when it comes to pain and torment. Was Clark Kent really falling for this brute of a bitch? Because seriously, the only kind thing I can honestly say about Raya is?...

But in Fallout at least? It's not like the rest of the women of the Smallville universe fared any better. Lois Lane was nowhere to be found, having the acting performance of her life along with John Glover as usual. Chloe meanwhile was being suffocated by the sheer stupidity of Jimmy or Bimmy or Billy Idol or whatever the fuck Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen's name is supposed to be on the show. It was supposed to be funny I suppose, his theories about Lex and the Egyptians or whatever sort of crap. Problem was, it just didn't even make me chuckle at the very least, and the complete failure of comic relief managed to drag Chloe down to the depths of sheer futility and Phantom Zone hell as well. WTF?...

Lana Lang though was the chief bitch, and sadly not in the good way she was a few episodes back. Here, she does her old skool usual bitch ass thing and completely changes her stance and mind on things depending on goddam mood. Apparently, whenever it rains and pours, she completely backtracks on everything she says about studying the Kryptonian power source for the defence of humanity, starts hiding things from Lex, and then completely ruins their relationship by giving goddam ultimatums. What the fuck happened to the good gal who simply bribed, extorted and blackmailed outside personnel? How the fuck could she twist and turn and churn on her boyfriend so? And why the fuck does it seem like we've all seen this before, like a goddam feeling of Denzel Deja Vu? WTF?...

Poor fucking Lex. I'm sorry, but between the x-rays and having the girlfriend leftovers from the man of X-ray vision, I just felt pity for goddam Lex Luthor. He may be misguided, trying to save the world by essentially conquering it was power and technology, but nobody deserves the fate that he's been forced upon here with Lana. The show was trying to make him seem like the supervillain of the series, by hoarding the Kryptonian power source and becoming all obsessed with uncovering its secrets. But once again, Lana Lang stole the show and stole the spotlight yet again in terms of sheer goddam villainy, as she really does wear the goddam pants of the goddam relationship...

And her secret? To be strong enough for a man, yet the ultimate goddam bitch of a woman. WTF?...

Fallout was meant to be the deciding factor in Clark Kent's life, where he would finally move past simply saving his personal friends and protecting the world merely out of self-preservation and guilt. We even got a fucking huge ass speech in the end, how he was tired of running, how he was finally going to go through his training and emerge as the goddam hero of the world...

... but then he ruins it all by claiming he'd rather spend the rest of the season curbing his own remorse yet again, by rounding up the last of the goddam Prisoners of Azkahban in his current state instead of learning how to properly fucking take them on in the first place. WTF?...

God, if Superman can get owned like that from fucking Bow Wow of all people? Fucking goddam Bow Wow?...

I'd rather eat the shit of a special guest star from the goddam WWE wrestling arena than the bloody hell fallout from this fucking crap...

Though normally here, I'd at least applaud the writers for sparing us from the fucking wooden acting of the fucking Green Arrow. But unfortunately for the audience, Tom Welling took on that Team America role instead, and gave the absolute worst performance ever as the Man of Steel. He was completely pussy whipped when with Raya, completely ungrateful as a son of a bitch of a son to his mother, and was completely unconvincing in his little tirade at the end of being a good man and doing the right thing. Like I said, I'd call the actor wooden, except alas, that would be a grave disservice to all bloody hell pieces of shit ass wood everywhere. Knock on wood, of course...

After expecting such big things from it, I can't imagine that I'd ever put my faith in Smallville again...

Whoever helped collaborate on the script for this episode should be goddam shot...

Now, I do understand exactly why this episode was made. Not only was it filler and obviously a budget saver after the saviour of Exodus (Part 2), but it was also necessary to examine the aftermath of what exactly had transpired on New Caprica. Just like the first season of the show focused so damn hard on the after-effects of 9/11 (err... I mean, the Cylon massacre...) on the populace of the people, here we have Ron Moore trying to strike gold a second time with showing just what it means to have survived the occupation of Iraq (or, err... well, you know...)...

But seriously, whenever you have a fucking episode basically helmed by Chief Tyrol and Colonel Tigh? I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Bad things happen to good goddam people...

I mean, take Jammer for instance. I was just starting to like and respect the guy, goddammit. Now, I'm not saying he did the right thing in joining the New Caprica police in the context of the show. It's just that, if his predicament was supposed to be some sort of justification for the slaughter of Iraqi police new recruits overseas or some sort of bullshit like that? Well, I don't really know what to say then. I just know that Jammer was a much better fucking actor than Tigh and his wife and that fucking good for nothing bitch called Cally all combined. Goddammit, I was just starting to like the guy, and then they pull an Airlock Archer on his ass? WTF?...

What the writers of BSG do best is try to make the audience hate each and every likeable character on the show as much as humanly possible. In the first season, Starbuck was beloved by all, so of course the writers had to make us all writhe by marrying the bitch to Anders. At least here in Collaborators, the two of them finally broke it off, but unfortunately the departure left Anders looking like a hero and Starbuck being a supreme goddam bitch of a judge and jury. I understand that Kara is a bit peeved off at her time in captivity with a man she technically murdered over and over again, and of course I guess she's still feeling rather goddam dumbass at the fact she couldn't even feel out who the fuck her daughter really was. But seriously, did the writers have to completely make us hate her all over again, for the simple fact that she's now as fucking maniacal and bastardized as Tigh was whenever he was fucking drunk as fuck? WTF?...

Who the fuck does she think she is? The new teen angsty, Lee fatass Adama from season fucking two? WTF?...

Oh, Colonel Tigh. Normally here for a situation like his, I would make some sort of snap comment like, "how the mighty have fallen". The problem has and always will be, the character fucking sucks ass. Was he badass when he offed his wife? Sure. But here, he was just a common, generic prescription thug. And sure, that was indeed the impression that we were meant to get from the guy. The problem was, he wasn't even a special thug. The spotlight was on Tyrol, not him. He was just a background juror for all we gave a shit about. His only real moment to shine was when Admiral Adama would've preferred to Colonel to be on goddam moonshine more than anything else in the CIC. And the fact that Collaborators was probably Saul's last chance to be the fucking star of the show, only for the writers and the actors to botch it up so damn badly, is embarrassing enough for both parties as is...

It's been Chief Tyrol in the captain's chair (figuratively speaking) for the third season of the show so far, and here Tyrol was really the Chief Supreme Court Justice, I suppose. He wasn't bad in his role per say, although I seriously wanted to smack some sense into him when he was sucking up to goddam Cally of all goddam bitches. He definitely was a bit too callous in his role though. Not to say that by the laws of treason, Jammer shouldn't have been stuffed down an airlock or anything. It's just that, it's sad to think that I liked Anders more in this episode more than anyone else on the Jury of six, if only because everyone (with perhaps the exception of Tyrol) was just being too damn one dimensional for their own good. There was just no real discernible dissentment or diversity in any of the central role characters in Collaborators, and completely made it a goddam yawn fest even as Jammer was begging for his life in silence. WTF?...

I really don't like the direction the writers had taken Gaius Baltar either, even if his new situation amongst the Cylons is very similar to how it was for the Baltar on the original BSG series in the 70's. It's just that, the actor back in the first season was so damn unique for television (or at least, Sci Fi television), only for him to become just a regular joe smoe, conflicted villain of the week these days. I guess on any other given day, I would've enjoyed the parallels in his story when comparing his trial by the Cylons to that of all the Cylon collaborators back on Galactica. It's just that, besides maybe seeing and getting weird out by Xena trying to fucking seduce the ex-president in a white dress for whatever goddam reason, there was not a single moment where I gave a shit about Gaius Baltar on a Basestar. Two years ago, I would've jumped at the chance to see the man in action in that kind of situation, but now I'm just as fucking callous about all that shit as dumbass Cally I suppose...

And where the fuck was my goddam Boomer? WHERE THE FUCK WAS MY GODDAM BOOMER?...

I expected an entire Basestar of naked fucking Grace Parks all over again. WHERE THE FUCK WAS MY BASESTAR OF NAKED FUCKING GRACE PARKS?...

But of course, at least there was hope at the end of the rainbow. Unlike in so many shitty ass episodes at the tail end of the second season, at least Collaborators managed the same feat as so many lesser-shitty episodes from the first season of the show, in at least having a stellar final fifteen minutes of an ending to close things off. The trial of Felix Gaeta was sort of too predicable for my tastes, considering I had hoped that Tyrol and co. would've pushed that pussy out of an airlock and then realized their dog shit of a bowl mistake later on or some shit like that. But still, the emotion and conflict in that sequence was great, and reminded me of just why I started to forgive Ron Moore for his goddam transgressions of a season two reset button after he hallowed and humbled us all with Exodus (Part 2)...

As for further reset buttons, it's annoying as hell to me that Tom Zarek has basically been reduced to being a villain again. Then again, the actor has always been great as portraying the moral gray area sort of bastard of the series, and I guess I can welcome that ol' version of him back. Still, it's disheartening a bit that all the good-will he built up with the Madame President over the past few episodes was completely ruined, as the two have now become bitter rivals and enemies once again. Either way though, you gotta give props to Zarek. His speech about justice without lawyers or testimonies or any circus shit like that at first sounds too damn good to be true in this day and age, until you realize just how wrong he really is. Either way though, it was an impassioned speech that helped saved the episode from goddam mediocrity...

Oddly enough, it was the Madame President who contributed the most to the actual positives of Collaborators, which is something that I really haven't said in over a goddam season. The thing is though, even with her limited screen time, Laura Roslin was back to being the wonderful, motherly figure she used to be back in season one, before the Kamala turned her into some sort of a WWE wrestling bitch post-Hand of God. Here, she did not only do the pragmatic thing but the right moral thing to do when she delivered a general pardon to all collaborators during her first day of her the return of the office. Both she and Zarek wanted the fleet to move on with their lives, but the difference was, Tom wanted to forget the past and leave it in the dust. She actually wanted to forgive, which is exactly the kind of warmth and understanding we used to get from Laura Roslin way back in season one...

But one great line from a great man was just not enough to save this episode from the goddam wretches of pure yellow dog bowl shit...

Felix the cat (or Lee Adama, for that matter...) would've taken that very dog bowl and the entrails of this fucking episode, eaten that shit, shit that shit back out, and then shoved whatever the fuck was left from its ass out of the goddam airlock to boot. How the fuck can we ever willingly revert back to usual BSG crap like Collaborators, after we've witnessed what the writers and directors really are capable of with Exodus (Part 2)?...

... like I said, whoever fucking collaborated on this story and script should be goddam fucking shot...

Now of course, there was and still is light at the end of the goddam BSG tunnel...

But whether that's sunlight, a spotlight, a rushing train, or the fucking tail end of a goddam shit stick and an airlock?...

[c. visitors too bored to return...]
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