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Thursday, October 31st, 2002

Y2kk Update: Alas, all good things must come to an end. And although I use that cliche far too often, it definitely did ring true last night. Because while you were sleeping, while I was doozing, a certain trick or treat of mine played a, um, trick or treat on my mind... I dreamt that I was in a business university course of some sort, and that I was having a mid-term in some ugly gymnasium then and there. And lo and behold, when I finally got that exam paper, what did I find? That somehow, one of the questions on the test involved "IvanF's Philosophy on Business"... and, well... heh... um... even though I really have no philosophy on capitalism or anything else, I was damn shocked in my slumber to see my name etched in inkjet pen alongside the names of Adam Smith and, um, another Adam Smith... And when I checked the visits to my noname site in my dream? I registered one million hits alone that one exam day, simply because people who had flunked the exam checked this very webpage to see if they got the question right about the "fundamental problem" with my flawed business logic or something... and, well... Of course when I finally woke up, I checked the real hits on this website and saw that the counter barely moved. I then checked my engineering exams, and didn't see my name anywhere next to Adam Smith's or, um, that other Adam Smith... And the thing was, even though I was embarrassed in my dream that my name was on an exam paper I was writing, I still regretted waking up this morning, simply because I had my fifteen minutes of fame somewhere in my eight hours of sleep last night, and wished it all went on for another fifteen minutes... not to mention that at one point, two girls were fighting over my dick for a night on a dinky coffee table. That was quite a trick or treat as well, but that's besides the point...

Anyhew, my mom is playing a cruel trick or treat on the kids in neighbourhood for about the fourth year in a row. She ain't going to hand out candy, not even those crappy toffee squares I got from cheapskates in the faregone past, and far be it for me to go against her matriarchal judgement. Besides, I'm too cheap to buy a bucket full of chocolates myself, but I'll save that excuse for a rainy day... And Buffy the Vampire Slayer pulled a dastardly trick or treat over my eyes as well, because despite it being the week of Halloween, the show of tweenie horrors didn't even have a new episode. Hell, they didn't even bother to rerun or rehash any of their old Halloween episodes, but that's besides the point... I mean, hell, I missed the first hour of wrestling this week, simply because I was stuck at school all Monday and opted to set the VCR timer to record Buffy instead of Raw when push came to desperate shove. And look how that turned out, all thanks to you, Buffy!... And dammit, I didn't get to see Buffy and Willow fighting for a night on the coffee table with my coffee crisp or something, but that's besides the point...

But lucky for me, and lucky for my non-existant, no-name readers, I was treated to a lovely Enterprise episode involving the bridge crew in tight, desert clothes, and T'Pol wearing a Rambo outfit or some crap like that... Although "Mauraders" had its moments, suffice to say, I just wasn't a big fan of the episode. I mean, the desert setting, along with the cowboy-like Klingon Mauraders, just reminded me too much of old Western films, and considering the only Western films I've ever liked were Back to the Future 3 and Shanghai Noon, that doesn't bode well for this week's episode... Because there's not really much I can say about the show. Archer had a couple of decent speeches going, and I admired his talks with T'Pol about not-interfering in other cultures, and his talk with the alien guy by the crawler or whatever. Trip didn't have much to do except bond with some lizard-shooting freak of an Skywalker kid that couldn't talk properly. I personally didn't feel a connection between the two of them, especially when the kid didn't even seem grateful when he was handed classified schematics or whatever to Enterprise, but if the colonists ever show up on Enterprise again, their rapport or however-you-spell-it might just come in handy as a welcome berth of continuity. I also liked most of the continuity in this episode, in which the Enterprise still wasn't fully capable after their minefield and dead stop incidents, and that Hoshi (in her one and only scene) is now a sharpshooter with a plasma rifle. And, well... I see from the way that Malcolm was impressed with Hoshi's grrrl power, the writers are trying to get phaser sparks flying between the two. Although from Broken Bow, I've always imagined that Archer and Hoshi had some chemistry together, the fact that Hoshi knows about Reed's pineapple crap, and lost her shirt in front his armoury knightness in Shockwave Part 2, sort of pricks and bleeds me into believing the writers have other plans in mind...

And, well, moving along, Mayweather gets absolutely nothing to do in this episode except wear a tight shirt, and T'Pol doesn't get to do anything but wear a... um, white catsuit... And as I mentioned above, her little Rambo escapades with her Vulcan martial arts were kind of funny at the end, but what really got me rolling my eyes was her "training" of the colonists. I mean honestly, all she did was duck and roll from the stupid club of a weapon. I expected something like a Judo takedown or a Matrix somersault kick or some crap like that. Sure, I won't take anything away from the fact that knowing which way to dodge is pretty damn hard. But honestly, I slapped my head silly when she gave it some fancy Vulcan name, and said it all with such serious, sincere conviction in her eyes, as if no-one but a Vulcan could figure out such a complicated moveset... And as for the actual plot of the episode, I thought the Klingons were a little too stupid in the final showdown, although that's how the race has always been portrayed. They had transporters, yet didn't bother to just transport themselves behind the colonists, or transport the colonists out into the open. The fire effects were nice, but the episode as a whole was simply too slow for ADD me. The plan to move the modular buildings was interesting, although it was straight out of a game of Starcraft, and I was surprised that the Klingon ship sensors didn't notice anything, but oh well... I was looking forward to threatening Klingons in Enterprise, but instead we've gotten a mixed breed. Sort of like the Klingons in DS9's Way of the Warrior, in which they finally started talking smack again, only to be smacked all over in the ass by the DS9 station that ripped them apart... Klingon ships are pathetically weak, their tactics are more than crude, and yet it's always fun to watch Rambo T'Pol kick their bony foreheads in the face... Now, if only Malcolm can actually hit a standing Klingon with his rifle, instead of just targetting some Jedi floating ball or something all the time, but that's besides the coffee time point... and oops... I'm getting all clammed up right now... discuss amongst yourself, or, um, nevermind...

Anyhew, just to waste more of your time in hope of getting a million hits a day (not to mention Hoshi and T'Pol fighting over me on a coffee table, but that's besides the point), I thought I should mention that my brother bought NHL2003 for the Gamecube this weekend. Both of us have been dying to play the game. Afterall, we're Canadian, and even though my Middle Eastern friends at university can't understand why I don't want to pirate a copy of Cricket 2003, at least they respect my decision to love a poor mockery of their field hockey game... And anyhew, I thought I should probably waste my own time by writing my own history with oasis EA Sports titles of past hockey games, because I used to be one of those no-name guys who couldn't understand the Canadian obsession with hockey either. I was in Grade 5 or 6 at the time, and I couldn't stand it whenever a guy in my elementary school class would hoot and hollar every morning after a Maple Leaf game. But eventually, the Leafs made it to the playoffs that year, and I started watching Hockey Night in Canada, simply because my father always had the show on TV late at night. And I swear, as soon as I watched that first playoff match against Detroit, and after I watched the Leafs duke it out through three, seven game series in a row, I was hooked, and I've been a Leaf fan ever since. Because although I'm also a fan of basketball, that sport just doesn't have the grit that ice hockey has. It doesn't have the tenacity, it doesn't have the intensity, nor the true spirit that only a Canadian thug can bring. If anything, I've never seen a sport that has as much balance and grace mixed with raw aggression as hockey has, and, well... coming from a never-to-be jockey, I just somehow find that oh so damn appealing... almost as damn appealing as wrestling, where Torrie Wilson and Stacy Keibler fight over me in a hot pool of Halloween toffee, but that's besides the point...

Anyhew, it comes as no coincidence that I bought my first hockey game around the time of that same playoff year. I couldn't stand NHL'92 for the Genesis. I thought the system was overrated, with only a 7.12 Mhz or whatever processor, and I hated Sega for their stupid commercials showing Sonic going faster than my beloved 3.5 MHz Mario Kart, so... NHLPA'93 wasn't much of an improvement, since the skating in the Genesis version was horrible, and the flow of the game in the SNES version was even worse than the NES title, Hit the Ice... But somehow, just somehow, when I bought NHL'94 the next year, I just knew that the pinnacle of hockey gaming was then and there. Because I mean honestly, I must've played that game to death, no doot aboot it. I would pat my pet beaver on the cheek, and get ready for a night of gaming all night long... I loved getting 200 checks a game by constanting nailing enforcers on the glass after the whistle had been blown. I couldn't get enough of triple deking out the goalies Might Ducks movie style. I just loved the sprawling goalie animation and the silence of the home crowd everytime I scored a blinding one-timer goal as the away team. And hell, I even sang along with the SNES NHL'94 theme song, whatever the hell that crap midi music was... And, well, each and every SNES and Genesis NHL game after that simply wasn't the same. The skating animation in NHL'95 was horrendous, and the create-a-player stuff in '96 and '97 couldn't save the game from loosing the edge that '94 somehow had. I will admit though, that NHL'95 for the PC was the closest I ever got back to the glory days of NHL'94. The sprawling goalies were all there. The checks after the blown whistle were still as intact and brutal as ever. The sounds had been improved. The graphics had been vastly improved. The season mode was a hell of a lot better. And I even got addicted to that little digital screen of theirs whenever you pressed ESC to pause the game... And even the controls were dandy, after I bought a gamepad just to play the coolest game on earth. But the only thing that was missing, the only thing that was so damn sorely missing, was that on a 15" screen, multiplayer absolutely sucked. With one person using a keyboard and one with the advantage of a gamepad, multiplayer absolutely sucked, and the joysick splitter I bought didn't alleviate the situation one damn bit... I admit NHL'95 for the PC was the pinnacle of single player, EA sports gaming, but nothing can ever replace NHL'94 for the SNES in my heart as the best hockey game ever made, period. Hell, I think I logged more time with that game than any game ever since, even when it featured a coffee table, but that's besides the point...

There were some decent EA NHL games since then. NHL'96 for the PC hurt my eyes with its awful change to 3d graphics, but NHL'97 wasn't nearly as bad. The pace of the game worked alright, and the 3d camera angles no longer hurt my deking skills, but once again, multiplayer suffered, and the create-a-player option just wasn't enough to keep me from putting the game down after a week. And when my brother first got NHL2000 for the PC? Our jaws hung down wide when we first saw the presentation of the game. Hell, even I said then and there that what we saw on screen was more realistic than anything we've ever seen on TV... but after playing the game for a week, I knew that the old magic, uphill and downhill on ice, was simply not there. The gameplay felt flat, and despite all the bells and whistles (with techno music oddly found in the movie, 15 minutes), I simply could not believe that EA Sports still could not top a little game they made six years earlier... And, well, that's why I was hesitant to try NHL2003. We bought NHL2k2 last year, and the game felt great except for one thing: without making a team of all-stars for myself, I simply could not score more than a goal a game... And at first, the realism was refreshing, but it didn't take long for me to miss the pure fun, sheer skating shallowness that only NHL'94 could offer. So after hooking up the SNES for a while, NHL2003 for the Gamecube finally arrived on the market. The minute my brother finished his mid-term exams, he immediately zambonied the cash and bought this game. And was he disappointed? And was I disappointed?

Well, besides the fact that there's no prancing cheerleaders or anything fighting over me on a coffee table, the game isn't that bad... And actually, this is the most fun I've had with a hockey game since NHL'95 for the PC, dare I say it. Because simply put, although the textures look extremely flat compared to even NHL2001 for the PC, graphics have really nothing to do with pure hockey fun. Although I absolutely loathe the EA Trax music (they seemed to have spent more time on getting Treble Charger into the game than actually improving game mechanics), I can tolerate the crap, as long as the game itself is fun. Although the menus are awful, with Y being used as the cancel button instead of B (and there's a hell of a lot of confusing submenus to cancel through), even that can't affect the game, as long as the damn hockey itself is fun. And, well... what's my final verdict?...

Like I said earlier, it's the most fun I've ever had with a hockey game since NHL'95. The insane one-timers are all here, and sure, simulation purists came complain all they want, how the sheer amount of puck centering in EA Sports games is simply re-goddam-diculous. But simply put, I'm glad that EA Sports is leaving the simulation part to Sega, and giving back to us NHL'94 gamers the stimulation part of the good ol' hockey game. Because as anyone who read the Canadian short story, the Hockey Sweater, knows, hockey isn't about rules. Hockey isn't about line changes, or even strategic defence plays. It's about what the French Canadians call a certain, um... I don't know what... But it has to deal with sweat. It has to deal with tears. It has to deal with sweater tears, and the love of tearing your opponent to shreds... and also the love of watching two girls tearing their skirts off on a coffee table for a taste of my toffee, but that's besides the point... And whatever this love of hockey is called, NHL 2003 captured much of it, although NHL'94 captured it best. The spirit of hockey. The spirit of being Canadian. And by simply letting us have fun with NHL2003, EA Sports has given that spirit back to my brother and I, who honestly had the most fun with multiplayer this weekend since NHL'95.

I still haven't figured out the new manual deke crap, I still haven't gotten a deflection goal yet, and I still haven't figured out why the game shows the same three, damn people in the crowd all the time, throwing unlimited hats to all those hat tricks I always get... The announcing hasn't changed much, except for the colour commentary that tries too hard to be funny, but as long as the big-hit sounds are intact and bone-rattling complete, along with the rattle off the crossbar that was so sorely lacking in NHL2k2, I'm a happy pappy camper. And hell, as long as EA Sports doesn't touch my beloved, Canadian beaver habit of damming and checking people through the boards after the whistle, I'll just keep on staying loyal to their series, especially if another NHL'94 comes my way, and takes my breath and cash away... And when they invent a game where two hot woman fans in the crowd fight over me on a coffee table, and visit this noname site of mine for help on their exams? Now that's a game I'd be dying to save, silence the crowd, and sound the red siren as a keeper, but that's besides the trick or treat point... Now, if only Buffy the Vampire Slayer could have a hockey episode, swirl it in toffee, and mix it in with a little byte this of wrestling, just think of the possibilities... but dare to dream I say, which is exactly what I plan to do...

Thursday, October 24th, 2002

Y2kk Update: Well, hell week number one is finally over. Got my circuit lab done. Got my history tests done. Got my Advanced Engineering Test done. Next up on the highway to hell, I've got to finish a computer assignment on Monday, a programming test on Tuesday, and my thankfully delayed Calculus test on Friday. And after that?... well, it gets even worse from there. University isn't about hell weeks anymore. It's about hell months, or hell terms, or hell semesters, or hell, just plain hell. And no, it isn't nearly as fun as I make it sound...

That's why I keep updating my noname site. Because TV, movies, video games, and writing about this sort of crap are the only things keeping me sane in this volatile world I've been entrenched within. Unfortunately, the internet also ruins whatever sancitity I have left in my little escapades away from reality, as it was absolutely unbearable to read through all those Night in Sickbay reviews across the web. Now, although I thoroughly enjoyed last week's light-hearted Enterprise episode, I concede that it had more than just a few flaws. But that absolutely does not justify how cruel practically every single cynical critic was towards this episode on the net. Now, I routinely check as many Trek reviews as I can on the weekends, but I definitely regretted this habit of mine this week. I mean, it's alright if I read through one review that absolutely tears and Catbert shreds the episode apart. As a writer, I absolutely understand how loathing something makes the writing process a hell of a lot more fun (although it is a misconception that the ensuing review will actually be entertaining to read). But honestly, I read through about ten reports on A Night in Sickbay, and not only were they all bastardized criticisms, but they all basically said the same exact thing as one another! I mean, hell, most of the reviewers didn't even like the Freudian/"Pillarian" slips of breasts and lips! Wasupwidat?... I mean, what is the honest likelihood that not only did every reviewer hate that episode, but that every single one said the same damn thing as the next guy? They all said Archer is stupid for caring about his dog more than his ship, even though the same thing was mentioned by T'Pol at least twice in the episode. They all said the attempts at Phlox humour only ended up embarrassing the best character on the ship, and they all said that Archer romanticizing and fantasizing about T'Pol ruins the hope of ever getting back the Spock/Bones/Kirk camaraderieship or whatever. And hell, I can tolerate one review that said all this, but ten? Fifteen? Bloody hell twenty? And, well... somebody can always find the redundancy of these criticisms as proof that the episode did indeed suck in all ways, but I just find it as proof that journalism sucks online. Because these days, it's not about being original, not that anyone can be original. It's always about being the first to say something, and waiting for the so-called copy-cats to follow suit, simply so you can say you were first. But nobody is ever first on my list. Not when I read the reviews on the weekend.

Anyhew, enough bastard criticizing from me for one day. I'm just lucky that I don't read any Buffy reviews, because it would be shame if my opinion was changed about this week's episode, "Selfless". I absolutely loved this episode, from Spike's "I have no where to go" line, to Anya's rendition of "I'll be his misses" or something like that. It was a wonderfully crafted episode, and I'll be damned if any reviewer took that Once More, with feeling away from me. Now, I admit Buffy missed the boat at times when it came to cute humour. The spinning pencils on her head was alright, but switching from guys' hearts being torn out to getting business courses at university didn't exactly work for me (although it showed her season 7 routineness of slayage). Xander had some pretty good speeches going, with his love for Anya and saving her thing. Willow was a true star this week, although her evilness didn't exactly match her cuteness later on. One moment, she's telling a girl to shut her whimpering, and the next, she's doing her "Hey, I'm right here" thing when Xander was talking about not killing homicidal friends. Sure, the contrast was nice, and sure, it showed that Willow has both light and dark personas, but her schizophrenia was still not well mixed enough for me... As for the rest of the cast, Dawn was conspicuously missing, and Spike was great for the time he was on air, but besides that, my hero didn't do a thing. But that's alright, since Anya hasn't had anything to do for a while, but she finally got this episode to truly shine, and Spike will get the same in due time. And hey, that rhymes! And 'rhyme' rhymes with time... cool, but, um, nevermind...

Anya had a brilliant comedy thing going with the flashbacks to Olaf. I loved the old camera style look, I loved Anya's Gaellic/Anglo-Saxon or whatever fake accent, and I laughed at the subtitles whenever Olaf and the "Olaf impersonation" talked. I mean, how can anyone possibly not love villagers throwing various fruits and vegatables at a Troll, not to mention Anya's beautiful rendition of the word, "Troooll"?... And as for renditions, the first time I heard it, her musical song this episode didn't exactly ring well in my head. But the second time around, the wedding bells did sound and toll, and I loved her song just as much as her work in Once More, with Feeling. I especially liked the touch of the spinning Xander chair or whatever, although her fake blond hair was kind of a little too, um, fake for me (sorry, I'm a hair guy when it comes to women, although that doesn't necessarily sound too good)... And who can possibly forget such classic lines as "Anya lame-ass, made-up, middle name", and her brilliant line how her little Russian revolution, of which the prolitarians will overthrow absolutism or something and pave the way to communist utopia on earth, is all just common sense? Sort of reminds me of the Common Sense Revolution, which we Ontarians hopefully haven't forgotten, but, um, we probably have, so nevermind... The spider demon was a very cool idea, although its death was a little too quick. Anya's fight with Buffy wasn't bad, but there's not much to say about it. And D'Hoffryn was cool in all aspects, from his comment of all women deserving vengeance to the one about his demon having a picture of Willow flaying Warren up on his wall. And the ending of the episode was rather dramatic, even for melodramatic me. I didn't guess that Hally would die, and I almost felt bad for Anya when she saw her old fiendish friend go up in flames... It was cool how Anya got her wish twisted and fulfilled, and thus got a taste of her own medicine. It was appropriate and kind of witty at the same time, and I applaud the writers for that. And since nobody ever reads this site, I just hope that other reviewers on the net are applauding too, because writers would actually check the net if they'd get some real recognition and praise in the cynical online world. But alas, even the hourglass is forced to follow the laws of man, whatever the hell that's supposed to mean...

Anyhew, I mentioned that video games are what keeps me sane in this asylum, gotham-city world of ours (God, Birds of Prey sucked when I watched a while of it this week), though it is kinda shameful how they also take away all my time from school as well. I bought Star Fox Adventures for the Gamecube two weeks ago, and I skipped two days of school, half to recuperate from vomit land, and half to finish this game, but I'll talk about the game in a second. I bought Mario Sunshine at god-awful Future Shop, simply because I got Luigi's Mansion free with it after about two days worth of heckling and complaining. But if I wanted life to be simpler, I could've just gotten Mario Sunshine by itself at Blockbuster where my brother once worked. He could've just asked one of his friends for a discount, and I could've gotten the game at about $15 off, which isn't enough to buy Luigi's Mansion, but at least I could've walked out of the store in no fury, no fuss, with no furries, and no pain... Well, since I couldn't find a single deal for Star Fox Adventures (besides an air freshner and a Fox McCloud puppet at Electronics Boutique, but that's besides the point), I decided to just go for the discount at Blockbuster. The thing was, I suck at math. I really do suck. And I was so damn dumb that I counted my money wrong, and I ended up giving the cashier twenty more dollars than I was supposed to give... So short story short, after asking for a discount, I essentially gave away my entire discount. Hell, I paid more for the game than I would've at any normal store at normal price, or so I would've done if I hadn't realized how stupid I was before exiting the store. After waiting in line for ten minutes as I guiltedly watched the cashier check the money in the cash register, he finally deduced and deducted that I did pay an extra twenty dollar bill, and I got my cash back amidst a hell of a lot of embarrassment... So I'm now $20 richer so to speak, and a few billion cells short of a proper grey-matter brain. And, well... I can't think of anything to say right here, so let's just get on with the review... But beware. Spoilers abound below, because that's my style. I write for myself, and I've already been spoiled, so sue me.

If you asked me a week and a half ago, I would've said Star Fox Adventures was a bust. I would've said it was a collection fest, that I was sick of using Tricky the dinosaur to find Alpine roots for lazy-ass Snowhorn Mammoths, I was sick of finding gold bars for stupid Brontosaurus dinosaurs who wouldn't just slam the ground with two of his feet, and I was sick of finding babies for a stupid Cloudrunner Teradactyl Queen who wouldn't even push a lever to save the world. I would've told you that the graphics and sound were nothing to be impressed about, that the overworld wasn't large enough to be impressive, that the beat of the music was off, and that even the Arwing missions didn't look right. I would've complained to you that the battle system wasn't just tedious, but that it was a royal tenuous bomb. All I had to do was button mash, and the stupid auto Z-targetting would do the rest. I mean, the game was a Zelda clone. Mostly everyone would agree. It was a short Zelda clone, with smaller missions, pointless battles, uninspired scenary (the Walled City was nice, but Dragon Rock was just stupid), sloth-like bosses (Galdor was cool, but the bikers, the RedEye king, and Drakor all lost their novelty after a moment or two, and whatever happened to General Scales at the end?), and worse of all, this epic game had absolutely no epic sense, feel, or experience whatsoever. There was no thrill of exploration, no desire for adventure, no thirst for the kill. It felt like a mechanical world. It felt like a mechanical game. I felt like it would never grace my list of favourite games, and yet... and yet...

Never say never, because when I freed Krystal from the crystal, when I saw Fox back away to his Arwing, when I saw the face of Andross, when I witnessed the return of Falco, and when I watched the final credits roll, I felt... I felt... well... I felt sad... I felt emotion... I felt choked up... And goddammit, I can't believe it, but I already missed the game. I missed the game so damn much, that I started a second game the night after, just to feed and fuel barrel my cravings. And although the replay value was so low that I beat the game in less time than my second try at Luigi's Mansion, I still miss the game, and why? Because even though the Nintendo magic just wasn't there this time, there was a different type of magic. It's was a rarer kind of magic, that Rare kind of magic... the kind that had me disappointed in Perfect Dark at first, only to find myself saying it was the best FPS I've ever played after a month or two. It's that same Rare magic that told me Donkey Kong Country and Goldeneye would amount to nothing, only to find that I became absolutely addicted to the PP7, and couldn't stop playing Diddy Kong's Quest until I had finally obtained 102%... And the second time I played through Star Fox Adventures, I saw that the magic was all there, even if I didn't see it at first. The graphical colours were so much more vibrant than those in Mario Sunshine. From the fur on Fox's tail, to the way his ears itched, to the very way the tree leaves were textured in the background, it was all a magical experience. The music in Thorntail Hollow and Cape Claw both get me all nostalgic now, and I still get flooded with emotion everytime Andross warps away from Krazoa Palace and I hear the music of Fox being the hero and racing away to his Arwing...

And sure, many complain that Fox and his Star Fox team feel tacked on this game. Star Fox Adventures was originally meant to be a new Rare franchise called Dinosaur Planet, until Miyamoto came in and said that the hero guy or whatever looked a lot like a Fox... And even if the conspiratists are right, that Nintendo knew they were going to sell Rare and thus refused to fund a new franchise for Microsoft to build upon, I still have to applaud Nintendo for giving the technical, mechanical Star Fox team a trip to the magical, incomprehensible Dinosaur planet. Because Fox McCloud had personality, a personality which only Rare and its Conker kind of guys could've infused into a character like his. I laughed when Fox was about to beat down Tricky for insulting his hot spring fall. I snickered when McCloud realized how ridiculous the spellstone and Krazoa spirit crap was when talking to the Queen Triceratops Earthwalker. And how can anybody not find the moment to be riveting, worthy of remembrance, when he spots Krystal for the first time and notes how beautiful she is to the sound of 60's Saxophone music? I was with Fox all the way when he freed the last Krazoa thingy, screamed at the spirits to free his new love at first sight, only to have her steal her staff back afterwards. I was with Fox all the way when he said bye to Tricky, and made him an honourary member of the Star Fox team. And when I got the cheat token that told me a close friend of Fox was soon going to die? If it meant Peppy like I think it did, then I guess my emotional response was appropriate, because I now care about the Star Fox team. I now care about mercenary Fox and arrogant Falco. Hell, I even care about Slippy, and that's a feat worthy of recognition... As great of an action game as Star Fox 64 was, I never really grew close to the characters as I did to Mario and Link. But thanks to Rare, I now have. And that only saddens me even more, since Rare will never make a sequel to this game, or any game for Nintendo ever again.

I still miss Star Fox Adventures. And I still miss Rare. And it's such a rare feeling for me to have any sort of feeling towards a game at all. Sure, I can complain how Krystal became useless after the first stage of the game. Sure, I can complain how Fox never used a blaster (although that might've been an unexpected good decision, considering the recent Washington Sniper ordeal). Sure I can complain how Andross came into the story out of nowhere, like cliche villains always do in cartoons. Sure, I can complain the game has no replay value, and that walking from Cape Claw to Moon Point or whatever is damn long and annoying. And sure, I can complain that the game lacked creativity, that it lacked originality, that the final stages of the game felt rushed. I mean hell, it's easy to complain about a whole host of things, and while all of them in the end would be technically true, mechanically true, none of them would just feel right. Because I loved this game. I really did. It may not have given me a fuzzy feeling inside like Super Mario Sunshine, it wasn't as mindlessly addicting as Luigi's Mansion or Super Smash Bros. Melee, and for sure, it will never top the most epic game of all time, the Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time. But where the game lacked polish, the game had character. Where the game lacked drama, the game had comedy. And truth be told, I truly will miss this game. Truth be told, I truly will miss Rare.

A critic's job is to tear apart a TV episode, a movie, or a video game for all its inadequecies, and you can join any forum or check any video game site to see this human quality in action. But as for me? As for me, the no-name whiner? I've tried to be a critic, but I'm not. Instead, I'm all about honesty, or trying to find honesty. And in all honesty, I wish Rare could stay with Nintendo. In all honesty, I wish I was playing Star Fox Adventures right about now, just so I could feel again...

Wednesday, October 16th, 2002

Y2kk Update: Well, good news for me. I'm not sick anymore. No more nights in sickbay for me. And sure, it was kind of nasty how my nose was running all yesterday, and how the two guys beside me had to witness my pants being used as tissue paper all lecture long, but that's besides the point... And, well, there's also bad news for me. Sure, I have nothing major in the academic world this week, but as soon as next Wednesday comes along, I'll be a small guppy in a big pond in the middle of dolphin eating season, and I don't like the sound of that. So in the pointless hope of trying to prepare and study for such an onslaught of mid-term exams, let's see if I can keep this Y2kk Update short, shall we?

Not much happened in the online Buffyverse, although I found it rather comical how threads are now starting how "Buffy doesn't act like a real hero; she's got too many issues", and "BTVS doesn't have good fights anymore; I need to watch Angel for realistic battles these days"... and, um, I may be used to it in Star Trek, but I just find it hilarious how Buffy fans are for no apparent reason demanding that the show be more "true to life" or some crap like that. I guess they still refuse to accept the Buffyverse is a metaphor for the hardships of life, as just an ape escape for reality and not a substitute for the real thing, but that's besides the staked point... Anyhew, I really don't have much to report about this week's episode. Hell, I don't even catch its name since I was too busy hacking away a lung on the germ infested couch to care. However, I will admit that "Cassie" or whatever her name was rather endearing to me, considering I was practically dead as a dead, um, vampire or whatever at the time. Cassie the precog did have a certain, tender sweetness to her voice, and I guess that was helped by the fact she was wearing clothes that reminded me of my obsession, but that's besides the point... And obviously, she touched the heart of many online fans as well, considering they uploaded a crapload of copies of her website onto the internet the very day the episode aired. But besides her cuteness, nothing she did could save this episode in my eyes. Because I'm sorry, I was never really a big fan of the so-called great second season or whatever kind of crap, simply because it was too teenie bopper antsy for me. Honestly, it was a showgirls, girls-show back then, and so was this Cassie episode. Everything about it, from the eye-rolling poetry to the Buffy gang all crying at the end, really made me feel like gagging for the first time since Buffy decided that death was her gift... and who knows? Maybe I did gag? Both from the storyline, and my damn sickness, but that's besides the point...

And as for the rest of the episode, there's not much to say. Probably the only line I liked was "have you Googled her yet?", followed by Willow's "I've gotten over you, sweetie". Though it somewhat bothers me that a person who tried to destroy the world is back on such friendly terms with Edger friendly friends, I guess I should take me own advice, freak an egg, shove it down my spine, and admit the show doesn't have to be Ivanfian realistic all the time... I thought some of Buffy's cuteness was alright as she counselled a bunch of students at the start, but besides the girl who beat the crap out of the bully guy, none of the characters displayed were of any real interest at all. Xander barely did anything in this episode, Anya was missing, I couldn't feel anything for Dawn and her espionnage storyline, and although I'm relieved that Spike got back to "serious" serendipity insanity (although punching himself in punch-drunk-love didn't exactly have the intended effect on me, since I'm the guy with the permanant bruise on his face), even Cassie's sweet home alabama line how "she'll tell you one day" didn't choke nor strangle a tear from my eye. Because simply put, the theme for the season is back to the beginning, and sadly, I was not a real fan of the show at the beginning. The atmosphere of this episode was not about atoms, and not about Adam, but about angst, Alabama and Eve. It felt like a girl episode, it sounded like a girl episode, and well, simply put, that's why I'm not the one uploading Cassie poetry on the web as we speak.

Although I'm now fearful that Buffy has gone the way of the girly second season (a season which I watched solely because... um... my obsession reminded me of Sarah Michelle Gellar at her best...), I still stand positive about Star Trek Enterprise, because the show simply hasn't had a bad episode yet this year. Of course, things could drastically go wrong sooner than later, resulting in a dozen Desert Crossings in a year, but that's besides the point... The point is, Roxanne Dawson (if that's how you spell her name) did an admirable engineering job as the director of Dead Stop. Although the episode itself was a little too simplistic for me, as a guise for Appearance vs Reality and a Master of Disguise, I still greatly enjoyed it nonetheless. I was laughing out loud everytime I heard B'lanna's voice as the automated computer (... heh, althouh Majel's voice was invented yet in Shockwave Part 2, the Dreadnought's voice is already present, I see...), and I was roaring out bacteria when I saw how damn similar the computer's humanoid computer core looked to a stupid Borg Hive (I almost expected the station to hail the Enterprise and say, "We are the... um... not the Borg. Resistance is Futile. Lower your shields and surrender your... um, oh, you don't have shields. Nevermind..."). But besides all that archetypal, metaphorical crap about the assimilation of individualness in capitalist and communist societies or whatever, the episode itself was pretty damn good. I love the boyish mentally that Trip and Malcolm have whenever they're together. I loved seeing food replicators, site to site transporters ("Evenin', subcommander", although I don't understand why the computer couldn't just beam Archer and T'Pol out of the core when it detected them), dermal regenerators, and a female computer voice wowing the crew. It all reminds me so much of the best of both worlds... Not to mention the fact that continuity in this episode was a definite plus, from Doctor Phlox inflicting as much pain as he likes on Malcolm, to Archer throwing the "lax discipline" speech back in Reed's face, everything seemed to flow in the show with ease. I even loved Trip's comments about the paintjob, how was he was getting around to it, as if he was as damn lax, Romana pax, and lazy with chores as I IvanFian am... And sure, it was damn ridiculous how after getting off his shirt, Captain Kirk style, Mayweather just had to turn useless and die. Sure, it created a murder mystery that kept my own cerebral cortex preoccupied, and I thought Archer smashing the callous computer screen was rather effective, but honestly, does the black man always have to be the first to die?... But overall, the episode simply excelled, and I even enjoyed the warp plasma explosion at the end (although the tiny yield of the Enterprise torpedoes still got on my nerves). And the sight of seeing the station repair itself? Wow, it all reminded me so much of the greatness of Space Odyssey 2001... even though I haven't seen Space Odyssey 2001 yet, so, um, nevermind... Let's just call it 1984 then, shall we? Double good peppermint gum then, yum... I was getting around to that...

And since I'll have so much to study next week, I thought I'd just do an early bird review of A Night in Sickbay, even though some places in North America haven't received the episode yet. Personally, I enjoyed this episode, although it kinda sucked how I was coughing out a lung in between each and every laugh. My favourite joke was actually the return of the chainsaw. I snickered when Hoshi mentioned it, and I laughed so damn wildly when I saw Archer using it at the end... Hoshi actually did a good job in this episode, much better than her forced speech about Mayweather in Dead Stop. I loved the way she grabbed the bat thing and said, "what are they doing to you?", I loved her startledness when Archer overheard her comments on the comm, and how could one possibly not love her little decon chamber scene? I'm sure the way she was touching T'Pol will get some fantastic fanfic gelled on the net... Trip had barely anything to do, but that's alright, considering he had a hell of a performance complaining to the computer core with his cowboy accent last episode. Mayweather had just one second of air time, so I see his role in the show is staying consistant (not to mention his only scene was a funeral scene... nevermind...). And as for that dream scene, I personally thought it was rather bland, even the part where Archer and T'Pol share a naked decon chamber scene. However, when he woke up and said, "I dreamed... that Porthos died...", that somehow made the day for me, even in my D-day kind of sickness crap. And as for sickbay, a place I wish I could've gotten my damn flu cured, I was surprised at how much more effective the comedy was compared to the time Phlox had to hibernate for a few days. Now, the toe-nail thing was kinda pointless, and the tongue thing reminded me of my own drooling self just a few days ago in bed, but I absolutely loved the bat chase (especially the part where the bat started humping its prime predator), and the scene where Porthos is floating in whatever kind of crap was actually real effective in my eyes, although if I were the Musketeer, I wouldn't trust having a chameleon pituitary gland in my head. I've watched Osmosis Jones too many times to trust the damn thing... or, um, nevermind...

Because the real star of the show, was Porthos. I may not be a pet guy myself. My parents would eat any dog or cat I bring home, and I think I ate my pet goldfish about a decade ago, but that's besides the point... The point is, that although I complained about that Cassie episode being too girly-oriented up on top, I couldn't help but "aaah" with puppy eyes everytime it showed Porthos in that little protected chamber of his. Basically, I loved everything about a Night in Sickbay except the weird ending, where T'Pol began mentioning the attraction crap out of pretty much nowhere... And as long as the writers can keep this up, the Star Trek universe will always shine more prevalently and prominently in my Alpha Centuri eyes than any prom that the Buffyverse can dish out. Because simply put, I didn't like BTVS before the Zeppo and before Buffy was given the honorary, class protector award. Before that, the show simply catered to one demograph, just like every Star Trek show did before the introduction of Seven of Nine... and that's why I miss the glory of days of The Next Generation, and that's why the online Buffy fans are begging for a back to the beginning, chasing Cassie sites all over the web. Because we both had it our way, uphill and downhill, both ways in the show, one for all and all for... um, whatever. I never figured out that line, although I was getting around to it... oh, nevermind...

Friday, October 11th, 2002

Y2kk Update: Okay, you may be wondering why I didn't write a noname update on Wednesday or Thursday... or, um, on second thought, you probably don't care, since nobody ever visits this site anyew... But short story short, I'm sick. I suck, because this sucks, that I'm sick. I mean sure, right now my only leftover symptom is that blantantly sore throat of mine, but I wasn't always this lucky. On Wednesday, I spent more time gagging in the washroom than I did alongside my partner, doing the major laboratory project of the day. And yesterday, besides still being too dysfunctional to stare at a computer monitor without feeling the urge to Elizabeth hurl, I was at school all day anyhew, so I couldn't have written a noname update, even if I was mentally capable of doing so... I woke up at 7 in the morning yesterday and got to school by 9, simply for my test at 6:30 at night and simply because I hadn't studied for the damn thing yet. Afterall, I was dead sick on Wednesday, I was helping people out as Mr. Computer TA on Monday and Tuesday, and thus I figured to myself that if I had a whole day to, um, myself, that I would actually try learning something for the test out of animalistic, Hannibalistic fear... Unfortunately, things didn't exactly go as planned, and thanks to my delusional mind, I couldn't concentrate for a single damn minute. Every time I tried to look at my notes to study, my mind would simply wander, tell me to shut up, and shut the hell down like Windows95 being, um, Windows95... and in the end, I'd always end up drooling on the floor for about an hour or so each time, trying to get some goddam needed sleep... And the payback? And the test? Since I barely got the equivalent of 30 minutes of studying compared to the 3 or 4 days all my friends were reveling in, I guess I didn't do so bad. Sure, I'm sure I failed that sucker miserably, but at least I didn't throw up during the damn exam, and sadly enough, that was my only goal... so you can say that I'm proud... Canadian proud, although I'm not sure if such a term exists...

There's actually only one thing that bugs me about Wednesday and Thursday. The only thing I talked about to others, was how damn sick I was. I was practically bragging it off like some broken record or something, because honestly, my personal pain is the only thing I ever have to talk about... And the thing was, I could visibly tell that my friends were getting sick of hearing that I'm sick, and even though my conscious mind could recognize this all, I was still too delirious to do anything about it... And the thing was, before I got sick, I checked the Buffy forums and sort of noticed the same thing online. The girls and, um, more girls who had posted those days, seemed to already be sick of Spike's insane ravings and rantings. They claimed 3 episodes of his nonsensical talk was already simply too much, and they're already demanding a change. Now, from first glance, this could prove that a) the world moves too fast these days, simply because people keep demanding novelty, and b) people don't like what they can't understand, and they can't understand what Spike and his "I'm insane; what's his excuse?" is exactly saying... But to me, once again, this "sick of asylum sickness" is all due to the very coinage strength of the internet, the ability of each and every person online to share their thoughts and steal each other's. Back in the pre-internet days, everyone had speculation about future TV episodes and movies and stuff like that. The thing was, unless you were in some fanatical club or something, chances were you didn't have anyone to talk to about your speculative ideas, so they remained all too simple and all your own... Flashforward to the converging connnectiveness of today, and you'll find rampant Buffy speculation across the forums. And the thing is, each and every individual speculation really amounts to nothing but bad ideas. But take a thousand of those ideas, merge them all together and modify a few things, and you end up having a fanfic storyline that most on the internet seem to think is "better" than the actual episodes... And already, I've seen major theories of Spike's hallucinations on each of the forums that I've visited, and it really seems like the writers in those forums are already claiming that they combined efforts are better than the slow crap that is happening to Spike right now in, um, reality... And really, I guess there's nothing wrong with that. Everyone is entitled to speculation and I suppose their opinion. Afterall, it's what makes shows fun to watch, and it's simply innate human nature to brag about knowing the future or whatever... but still, it's this speculation crap that makes the mass public hate the new Star Wars movie series (although the novels had a hand in that as well). It's this speculation crap that makes every old school Trekker hate every series after TNG. And it's this speculation crap that causes most Buffy fans to claim that every new season pales in comparison to the second and third seasons... and, well, I forget if the internet was around in its current incarnation back then, but speculation in the forums was definitely not nearly as open to the general public in those golden ages. Back then, the internet was a novelty, not a way of speculative life...

Anyhew, I for one haven't gotten sick of Spike and his delusional state or anything, simply because now that I have the stomach flu bogging up my brain, I can sort of relate with the ol' chap with the chip in his brain... The only thing I didn't appreciate, was that the mood associated with Spike and his insanity changed over the period of just one week. Last week, his insane ravings had a purpose - he was feeling guilty. This week, they were instead used for comical humour. And this unbridled shift in the mood of his comments simply didn't work for me, although I still have to give the writer's credit. They deserve American Idol props for trying the "Everyone's talking to me; nobody's talking to each other" thing in "Same Time, Same Place"... Because although I personally didn't enjoy this episode, it was quite interesting to see a storyline where it shows Buffy one moment, and then shows invisible Willow or whatever the next moment, at the same time and the exact same place. And it was sort of interesting how they wrote in a bit of payback for evil Willow, with the Gnarl demon eating at her flesh (although I still don't buy into the Scobbies all forgiving her so quickly - sure, her evilness was just a metaphor for suicide and not caring about her friends and crap like that, but honestly, she tried to end the world! She tried to kill 6 billion people for Christ's sakes, but I digress...). Personally, Gnarl was never threatening to me since his retarded rhyming scheme reminded me too much of my own bad writing, but that's besides the point... But anyhew, simply put, I liked the premise of this episode, but the execution just wasn't as fantastic as last week, I suppose. Hannigan did a good acting job with her relief when she finally was able to see Buffy and Xander, but besides that, she didn't do much. Buffy and Xander were both kind of useless, and I thought Xander not knowing what was going on (with the Spike blood thing) was a bit out of touch with his season 6/7 character, but his yellow crayon thing was still a decently nice touch. And like I said earlier, I wasn't impressed with Spike's little comical banaza this week. I felt it should've waited a couple more weeks at least. But the speculation on the internet does seem to ring true, that how do we really know he's insane? In this episode, he was actually talking to Willow while Buffy thought he was just being crazy. How do we really know the Big Bad of the season simply isn't chasing him around wherever he goes, infiltrating his thoughts? Or, um, nevermind... But the real star of the show this week was Dawn, who not only found a purpose in the Scoobies by taking over Willow's old internet searching work, but also did the best job in a long time when it came to comedy. Sure, I felt the jumps between Willow getting eaten alive and Buffy putting a remote control in poseable Dawn's hand was a bit too schizophrenic for me, but the murmuring from Dawn's clamped mouth was downright hilarious... Then again, I guess it may have also served as another reminder of what Willow did to Warren, clamping his mouth shut and skinning his little, um, skin off, but that's besides the point...

As for Enterprise, I was so damn hyped up for last week's "Minefield", the introduction of the Romulans and the future Romulan War, that I knew it couldn't meet my expectations. And sadly put, it didn't. But that won't stop me from saying it was a still a wonderfully woven episode, which only had the fault of being a bit too character based, and thus a bit too bland for Arnold action demanding me. I was hoping for an episode based on Romulan deception, sort of like how Silent Enemy last year panned out (except those stupid aliens weren't Romulans, and they had Borg personal shielding for no damn reason, but if you want to talk about Borg rip-offs, talk about this week's Enterprise episode... but, um, nevermind...). However, instead we simply got the Romulan's territorial nature, as they demanded that the Enterprise leave their orbital minefield, even though they had no clue that Archer and co. could even see the mines (I guess they were hoping the Enterprise would blow itself up)... And first of all, considering how long it took the ship to get the hell out of the minefield, how the hell did they get that far deep in the first place? And secondly, although the special effect of the mine explosion was pretty damn cool, I was not impressed that it was just a 0.25 kiloton explosion. I mean, c'mon! Enterprise uses torpedoes that have less punch than a modern hand grenade, and the Romulans use tricobalt devices that can't even simulate a damn nuclear explosion? I mean, Stargate Command right now is using bombs capable of 1200 megatons, and yet the dastardly Romulans refuse to build a bomb capable of destroying a ship in one strike?... And, well, I guess it doesn't really matter though. The episode wasn't really based on the Romulans, but rather on blue screen effects and the backstory of Malcolm Reed. And while I loved Shuttlepod One last year because everything about Reed felt natural, about recording his last words to all his old girlfriends and about trying to sacrifice himself while drunk, his life's story just didn't mesh well together in Minefield. I mean, didn't it seem a little too quick after talking about how lax corporal punishment or whatever had gotten on the ship, that Malcolm got onto a hearfelt story about his uncle and his fear of drowning? I mean sure, Malcolm's character now makes a lot more sense now. He's trying to sacrifice himself for the good of the ship, simply because he wants to equal his uncle, and hopes that such a sacrifice will save him from the shame that he was too afraid of serving in the Navy... And first of all, I have no clue why 22nd century Earth with their perfect society would need a navy anymore, but that's besides the point... Because I guess I can relate to Malcolm, since I'm terrified of drowning as well. If you ever get me on a ship in the middle of the ocean, you deserve a million bucks... unless I'm delirious from the stomach flu at the time, and didn't know where the hell you were taking me, but I digress...

My favourite part of Minefield? The special effect of the two Romulan birds of prey decloaking in front of Archer and Reed, although I will forever miss that 1.2 km long, Romulan Warbird design... My second favourite part? Archer and Reed holding up duratanium shields to protect them from the mine blast, although I was wondering at the time why the Enterprise never uses their transporters anymore... And my least favourite part? When Malcolm said right before the commercial break that it was time to sacrifice himself for the safety of the crew. I mean, pulling out his own oxygen tank was a nicely innovative touch, but I guess I'm with the internet on this one that his death wish was simply too much to bare as a whole, simply because it's been done to death by anonymous amateur writers everywhere...  But then again, I watched this episode last week. Perhaps if I watched it this week, I would be a lot more supportive of Malcolm's little fear of drowning. Afterall, after a couple  days of fearing I'm about to drown in my own vomit, I guess I'm a bit more inclined to agree with Malcolm's claim that today is indeed a good day to die... or a good day to, um, die another day, although I don't think that particularly works Windex Wonder Bread...

Nevermind. I'm delirous... what's his excuse?...

Wednesday, October 2nd, 2002

Y2kk Update: I had my first real chat with the girl, with the really loud voice and the really hearty spirit the other day. I've never mentioned her on my noname site before, but year-long Y2kk readers of my download and msn sites might remember her of some sorts... Anyhew, she's going through a rough time. She just split with her boyfriend, and she spent the whole train ride home with me in an endless attempt to define true love. And I won't really bother divulging what she said to me. Suffice to say, you probably can pretty much guess her opinion of it all. To her, love is supposed to be a cliche fairy tale, of perfect men and perfect romance, but has so far ended for her as nothing more than trickery, deceit, beguilement, and blah blah blah. And believe me, I wanted to tell her my definition of love, even if I didn't know how to put it into words. Sure, I've never felt what love is, but I think I probably know what it doth feel like. But truth be told, I barely muttered a word to her. I barely muttered a word. And why? Because even if love between a man or woman cannot truly exist to the chagrin of chivalry, there is still one true love that knows no bounds. And that is, the love to love - yes, show that you can love, and the love of knowing what it is to love. And, well... if I had wasted her time with such God-awful rhetoric as Freud, Chaucer, evolution, and IvanFian theory, stuff that was designed to confuse and offend her, sure I'd feel better after gloating that I supposedly know what love is, as if anybody can actually know what love is, but I certainly wouldn't feel any better after I witness that dismal frown bend upside down on her innocent little face... Or am I giving myself too much credit? I probably wouldn't have registered as a bleep on her radar anyhew. She probably would've forgotten every word I was going to say. Or am I now giving her too much credit?...

And oh, what a tangled web the love for love weaves, because I procrastinated from studying quite a bit this week by checking up on the Buffy the Vampire forums, wondering if the "Grrrl Power" freaks on the net have changed over the course of the summer. And nope, no siree. Those domineering, pioneering women are still revving strong and free, with the oh so masculine trait of forever refusing to ever change. Because no matter how many times Joss Whedon makes fun of them, no matter how much Marti Noxon or whoever tries to calm them down, the posters on these forums just never change. I just couldn't believe my eyes and Vulcan ears upon seeing all those damn debates on the net, whether Spike deserves to be loved or not because he got his soul back. And honestly, if these posters are the women that men marry, do I honestly want to get married? Because despite the fact that a) Buffy the Vampire Slayer is a fictional show, b) Spike got his soul back, c) Spike was feeling so damn guilty for raping Buffy that he risked getting a soul, d) Spike is a really funny guy, and e) it's a damn fictional show, the freaks on the net still refuse to take him back. They claim his love is impure, that doing the right thing out of guilt doesn't deserve any sort of love or loving back. They argue that redemption is not the same as atonement, whatever the hell that means, that it's wrong for him to do the right thing in hope of winning love, and that without true redemption, one can never be loved. They claim love must be selfless, that one can only love without the desire to be loved back, and the list goes on, blah blah blah, of how Buffy should never take Spike back merely because he's being tortured with a soul. And first of all, maybe it's just because I'm a guy, but all these femme fatales on the net are driving me bananas, simply because they seem to be forgetting one major thing: they all ignore whether Buffy actually loves Spike or not. Instead, they just cleverely clang and clamour how if Spike doesn't a) grovel at the Scobbies' feet, b) save the world a dozen times, c) spend a century in utter spark burning guilt, and d) I don't know what, but they would probably list something cruel to animals here, then he doesn't deserve to be loved, and should go as far as to being shoved off the show. They completely ignore whether love actually exists between Buffy and Spike, and instead argue whether any love should exist or not, by their Stalinist rules and their rules alone... and, um... Honestly, if these freaks on the net and the girl on the train are any indication, do you girls even have any idea what love actually is, or is simply the love of pining over love really the only love that you'll ever want to know? It seems you prefer dreaming over actually finding an decent answer, and if that's true, that'll explain a lot of the guy frustrations out there right about now...

Short story short, I feel for Spike. Because no matter how sorry I felt about my actions in high school, the girls there simply didn't give a damn. They just ignored me, probably thought in their heads that I wasn't worthy of love or forgiveness, and then just buried me six feet deep with their endless banter and rhetoric of how we guys are such simple minded creatures... But anyhew, I have to give real credit to James Marsters for putting up a hell of a performance in Beneath You. I must admit that the final scene was one of the best in a long time, although it was almost ruined by a few cheese-flamboiled jolts. Lines such as, "No more mind games. No more mind", and "have you completely lost your mind?" were so damn simple, that it reminded me of the crap I wrote back in Grade eight or nine... And hey! That rhymes? Get it? No? Okay, um, nevermind...  Anyhew, the whole scene was saved by three major points. First of all, I chuckled from the comic relief of, "Well, yeah. Where have you been all night?" I personally found the line, "Angel should've warned me", very profound, if only because that was the exact moment Buffy's face changed from callousness to pure horror. And although I was cracking up as Spike was citing bloody bad, railroad poetry on that crippler of a crossface (and yeah, I know, girls everywhere were actually crying over this scene), the utter cheesiness of the scene was all remarkably reduced by the sheer brilliance of the dark, monochromatic lighting in the Church. And I guess I should also mention the effectiveness of the Gladiator type music in the background, which reminded me a hell of a lot of the movie... um... Gladiator... nevermind...

As for the rest of the episode, nothing much happened, but I will comment that the show had a great overall flow. From Spike's new costume of clothing, to Dawn's comment about waking up on fire, every line seemed to sync wonderfully together. I didn't exactly fancy Nancy, and Anya didn't do much except morph her face (although the upcoming episode of her bunnyesque origins should prove rather intriguing), but the rest of the cast did excellent jobs. Xander's always been cool when acting as the Zeppo, chauffering people around and telling Spike to shut up. Dawn got some good lines off in the car, about school and how Buffy shall not talk to her friends or whatever. And Buffy was truly a highlight in the show, not only because I personally love the return of endearing, cute, "Joan" Buffy (as evident from her detention remark), but because she's still got all that angst in her, and love for my man, Spike. And anyone who says Spike isn't deserving of love has probably lost their minds (No more mind games, no more mind, to steal a piss poor quote...). Or at least, they've lost the meaning of love by searching for it all their lives. In the endless pursuit of happiness, it's often the easiest path to find happiness through complication, and by putting complications on what Spike must first achieve to be worthy of love, not only does this make life a living hell for the show's writers, but also saddens my whole outlook on the innermost, innate, instinctive love of love... of course, I'm ony saying this because I'm real lonely and bitter, but that's besides the point...

As for Enterprise, last week's episode of Carbon Creek may not have matched this week's episode, Minefield, in terms of visuals and moral dilemmas, but I personally still have a soft spot in my heart for the story of three Vulcans who crash landed in Pennsylvania. First of all, I loved the whole atmosphere of the Carbon Creek town. From all the 50s styles vehicles to the very clothes the Vulcans donned, it was all a masterful touch on a show that often doesn't have very much costume variety (well, human wise that is...). And sure, while many critics complained that Carbon Creek lacked essentially the entire supporting cast of the show, I personally found the episode to be a beautifully woven sidetrack to the central Enterprise story, and a welcome change of pace. It was written better than most episodes are, with such classic lines as, "(Do you prefer) the frozen fish sticks or the threat of nuclear annihilation?", "It's not always easy to contain your emotions", and even though it made some people cringe, I personally liked the lines about Moe and I Love Lucy... And as for classic scenes, who can forget the sight of a Vulcan fixing a sink with a wrench or a vacuum with a, um, wrench, or of T'Mir putting a dress on backwards behind a washed cloth, for no apparent reason but to get a rise out of the audience? And honestly, who didn't think of Spock when that Vulcan guy donned the hat or whatever on his head, and who didn't at least think of Data when the same Vulcan echoed the words, "I said (the kiss) was very pleasant"... Treknation was right in their review. They claimed Carbon Creek was a wondrous story about human nature... with Vulcans... and I agree that that has always been Star Trek's strongest point: making claims about the human spirit by exemplyfying them through the spirits of other species. Sure, this formula failed miserably in Voyager (except stories about the savant of a Doctor), and sure this formula failed pretty badly in DS9 as well (well, Quark was alright, but Odo was always a bore to me, and the Bajorans with their religion just never seemed to click), but it sure as hell reminds me of the good old days, when Picard would travel abroad lecturing every race that his bald head doth see, and when Kirk would run rampant amongst the stars, telling the Gorn and whatever other species that their bibles and Gazelles were all wrong...

And as for the real human spirit, in the awful reality we call the internet? I couldn't stand some reviews I found on the web, that trashed Carbon Creek for being a circus of a sideshow, for not developing any Enterprise characters, for possibly ruining Star Trek continuity (some were very offended that the Vulcans invented Velcro in the episode apparently), and for leaving us hanging on a thread, for not answering any questions about the Vulcan who stayed on earth. And it's little quirks and Quarks like this, coupled with the unbridled fanaticism about the meaning of life and love on the internet, that led me to believe the utter crap I do now, and become the cynical bastard that I am today. People have always nagged me, nitpicked at my work, and left me nailed to the noose when things didn't exactly go as planned... All people have a love for love, for defining love, for feeling love, for proving love. And yet, they choose to bound it by so many rules, so many regulations, and so many complications, that it's now no wonder why I was never able to fit in with the crowd. Because I had a solution. Maybe not the right solution, but I had a solution, and who the hell would want a solution? That's the human spirit for you. Ignorance is bliss, and for me, arrogance is ignorance. And therefore, logic dictates... um, nevermind... Vulcan nerve pinch for me...

[c. visitors too bored to return...]