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Y2kk Update: It's a conspiracy, I tell you... My university is doing this to me on purpose, I shit you not!... Because why, oh why then, do they always put my mid-terms on bloody hell Tuesdays and Thursdays?... Why not Wednesdays? Why not Fridays? Why, oh why, I ask of thee!... You want to know why? It's because they want me to fail, simply because I have no will power... simply because I have no self control... I mean, how the hell can I possibly study for a Tuesday mid-term, when I have WWE Raw wrestling and normally NHL Leafs Hockey the night before?... And how in the blue hell am I ever supposed to get any studying done for Thursday exams, when the night before, I have my precious Enterprise, my precarious Angel, and yes... oh yes... even yes... my small Smallville week in review...

... well, I had my Digital mid-term exam yesterday. I traded one hour of my life in for 25% of my final mark, and the outcome doesn't look so good... but whatever happens, already happened. So I have to do my best to cast all my frustrations aside, and focus them all like a New Ager moving to New Hampshire, into providing the best, damn, goddam "small Smallville week in review" review that I've ever done in my entire life!... and that's saying a hell of a lot, considering each and every week, this is the moment that we've all been waiting for...

... "WTF? Smallville aired an episode about solar flares... the same freakin' day as we got hit by the worst solar storm since 1989?... WTF are the chances of that?! Honestly, wasupwidat?!..."

... but seriously, I was seriously surprised that I actually liked most parts of this week's Smallville episode, Perry. Hell, I even chalked one up to the Shanghai writers when they even conned me with their Perry White, bungee cord stunt... but then of course, everything decent that I felt about the episode was completely ruined by just one damn, awful speech from Lana Lang near the end, that made me compare the show to the bloody hell worst moments of Dawson's Creek for the umpteenth time in a row... goddammit, how in the blue did Smallville get so good at vampire sucking the life from its own show? I'll never know... but for that, dear Smallville, I salute you...

I was hoping that this week's episode of Angel, Life of the Party, would wipe the awful aftertaste of Smallville right out of my mouth... and in some ways it did, as Life of the Party was a hilarious episode for the most part... it's just that... it sure as hell had insurmountable odds at ever meeting my Himalayan high expectations, considering I absolutely loved "Spin the Bottle", the comic relief Angel episode from around this time last year... Hell, I even gave Spin the Bottle my best episode out of all shows of last year award, so how in the blue hell was Life of the Party ever going to live up to those expectations?... and considering what the premise of Life of the Party was, of everything Lorne says coming true, how could I possibly not compare the episode to Something Blue of Buffy season four (the episode where Willow had her will done by magical accident), which I still rank as one of my favourite episodes of all time from any show that I've ever watched?

Short story short, Life of the Party on its own right was a pretty damn good, goofy effort. Now, I'm not normally a fan of Lorne in high doses. He's normally only good as the short stinted comic relief, as the magic 8-ball moment from last year all reminded us of... But I really did feel that if any episode can truly be considered a good Lorne-centric episode, it's this one (although Spin the Bottle might be considered one as well). Because not only did Lorne get to truly shine in the comic department, but he got a serious moment with Angel in the limo as well. Admitting that he really wanted to help the team in some way, really gave purpose to his character even being on the show. And admittingly, I never really looked at him as the 'morale fighter' of the motley crew or whatever before that scene... And admittingly, Lorne was pretty damn funny in Life of the Party. I loved his dialogue with "Harmonica", as even just pointing her out, dancing all alone on the dance floor (and I admit, she did look absolutely fabulous on the dance floor...), provided probably the hardiest honest laugh I've had in weeks... I loved it when he called Angel "Milkdud', although his "wallflowers" comment sort of left me feeling flat... And his smaller, less noticeable comments, such as his "I must really hate himself" when his own subconscious beat him down, caused me to chuckle the second time I watched the episode, although in a way, that was one of the problems with Life of the Party...

The thing was, the comedy was a bit too dark at times. And because of that, the episode felt more restless and lifeless than it did a party (not to mention the constant showings of the party sort of dragged on too long by the end of the episode)... I mean, I laughed quite a bit at the episode's lines the second time through, but on the first watching? Honestly, a lot of scenes simply felt forced, as if they were trying to be funny, but they never quite got there... I laughed out loud at Lorne's "you taste great!" comment to the blood drink slave, but the rest of the scene just felt cocktail bland, even with Angel's blank stare at the half naked slave... I felt that I should've laughed at the demon who was wearing a human costume, but something just didn't click right for that scene in the end... I also thought that I ought to be laughing at Lorne's disgust at the Pylean wardrobe, and I also thought that the idea of the "Hulk" Lorne would've been at least a bit funny. But both scenes just sort of were there for me, feeling like part of the background, when the real comedy seemed to come from the supporting cast of the episode...

Angel probably had his best comic lines of the past year in this one episode alone. I loved the silence in the room when he mockingly brought up the idea that he was inviting all the guests to the party to slaughter them all... I loved his "brooding" when his hockey team was losing (dammit, they better have been losing to the Leafs!...)... And honestly, although I guess it should've been funnier, I still absolutely loved his eagerness to go back to having sex with Eve after barking orders to the rest of the crew... And Eve? Well, I felt her "hands-on" comments about Angel relieving himself weren't delivered with the poise the lines needed to be funny. And I'm not one to really compliment the way she looks, considering she still looks like an Alias cop-out if you ask me.. But she certainly did look fine in that dress of hers, and she looked even finer as she was slapping Angel's ass behind the couch, so how can I possibly say anything against her?... But the thing is, what was with that look she gave at the end of the episode? Is she evil? Was she angry that Angel didn't like the magical, drunken sex they had as much as she did (otherwise he would've lost his soul)? Or is it a combination of both, and the start of a long, drawn-out storyarc, along with a wonderful friendship?... Gunn is the other character that this comic relief episode seemed to forever foreshadow in terms of a storyarc. Lorne's comment to him, to "stake out his territory", was to me absolutely the funniest part of the entire episode... Now, some on the internet have already cemented their attitudes, and commented that they hated his pissing over the entire firm routine, considering they think "peepee" jokes are immature. But I personally think it's immature to not be able to appreciate a good "peepee" joke any longer, because goddammit, this was a good one! Gunn had a great line when asked if Lorne told him to piss all over the complex: "Lord, I hope so"... because unlike the rest of Lorne's comments, this one was a mystery (his other "will be done" lines had obvious reprecussions... this one did not). Lorne's subconscious had transmitted his words "literally" rather than metaphorically, as Willow had done long time ago with her "why don't they get married" comment about Buffy and Spike (which resulted in the best romantic comedy ever on television, if you ask me). And not only was I pleasantly surprised at the subtext (if you can call it that) of the magic mojo done on Gunn, but it's interesting how it foreshadowed things to come. Not only was his positivity towards getting his own sleep removed rather disturbing if you think about it, but the fact that Gunn was pissing all over the entire complex... sort of showed that he was thinking the entire building was his territory... interesting indeed...

And Wes and Fred? Fred was absolutely adorable as a drunk, just like when she's sober, but I don't really think either of the two characters portrayed drunkeness properly on screen. They each had funny scenes though, although I wish Wes had something more than just that one elevator waiting scene to snicker at... I loved Fred whenever she was in the background, doing her drunken thing. She looked cute as a button whenever she stumbled and snorted, but still... And Spike? Unfortunately, he was a bit of a disappointment. His positivity was weird, but not really funny, except when Wes and Gunn truly realized something strange was going on... Overall, I still wish Life of the Party had all the metaphors and creativity that Something Blue long ago had. Instead though, while the episode was funny, it just wasn't very surprising, except for the Gunn staking his territory thing... you'd think though that Spike would be more important in Life of the Party, considering he's had experience with this subconscious fate control thing, but still... and, well... my only hope now? Something Blue truly turned into a classic episode not just from its humour, but from its foreshadowing of the Buffy/Spike romance, Willow's turn to darkness, and the Yoko Factor of the group... only time will tell whether the same will be seen with Life of the Party. But all I know for now, is that it was fun to watch the first time, and as a credit to the performances, it was even more fun to watch a second time around, like any good party I've ever been to...

... the problem is... umm... I don't think I've ever been to a party, but nevermind...

As for Enterprise this week? Unfortunately, The Shipment on its own right wasn't exactly a stellar episode. It was far too slow paced to keep my attention with an exam the next day, sadly put, as it felt far too much of a "filler" or a setting-up episode for November sweeps... Most of the episode dealt with Archer realizing that not all his enemies were his enemies. Reed got to play Devil's Advocate, advocating the mission as a success if they just blew the weapons facility to hell. And I agreed with Malcolm at that early point in the episode, as Archer sounded pretty damn dumb, talking as if a war hadn't already started... but like in true Star Trek fashion, Archer and the episode reminded me that not all enemies are indeed enemies. Some are allies, who simply didn't know what they were doing. And in that respect, The Shipment was a pretty good episode, as it was especially highlighted by the fact that Sloth Xindi scientist near the end nearly chose to give Archer away when the Reptillian Xindi revealed that there was a ruthless enemy against them... It reminded me that both sides of the war are still swept myriad in mystery, and that nobody really knows what the hell is going on. And it reminded me that until you have more information, you really shouldn't blow innocent civilians out the sky, even if 90 scientists is a small amount of people compared to seven million...

Humanitarian lessons aside though, The Shipment was pretty much as boring as watching a shipment of cargo cross the seas... None of the characters besides Archer really had anything to do, as Malcolm didn't get to snipe off anyone, Hoshi just sat around, T'Pol got to sit around in the big chair, and Mayweather? Was he even in this episode? Did he even have one line? If not, then that's a new low, even for him... I did sort of like the Tucker and Phlox B-story though. Although neither character got any memorable lines in, I certainly was fascinated by how alien the Xindi's weapon truly was. I mean, who would've thought you could put a brain in a gun, making it smart enough to know when it's being fired by a redneck from the Americas? If only modern weapons had those kind of safeties... although we could do without the auto-destruction stuff for gun control, but I digress (don't hate me for my comments... I'm Canadian, eh... hate me for that)... And routing back to Archer, I don't think the captain really got many decent things to say himself. And it was pretty damn stupid of him if you ask me, to try to sneak the Xindi scientist out into the woods when the guy was offering to help (although if Archer and co's position was given away, the Xindi would've shot down their shuttlepod escaping for sure, so...). But the real plus of all the slow ass talking in the Xindi's home, was the growing backstory on the Xindi. Their world was destroyed, simply because all six races couldn't get along, and something tells me that has something to do with the Temporal Cold War arc that should be returning within a month or so... Overall, The Shipment was an episode that felt as slow as a Xindi sloth. But since I know it was only meant to set up the potential for future episodes, I'm willing to let this one slide. I just hope that the November sweeps will truly deliver some excellent episodes, otherwise I might start branding Enterprise in the same category as I did Voyager... although considering I loved even the first season of Enterprise? I doubt things will ever become that much of a bleak and dreary future...

Y2kk Update: Ah, goddammit... Fuck me... and while we're at it, Fook Yu too.

... or at least, cracked "better" than before, would be the more precise word... I was hoping that the Eurasia 1.1 ACloader that I talked about last week would pretty much prove that Gamecube piracy was possible, but not viable. Most games would barely load with the loader, no matter what flashy NIC delay settings you chose in DOS. And even if the game did run, it would be scarred and marred beyond charring recognition, with glitchy movies, random crashes, stuttering framerates, and oh yes - the inability to save, unless you completely memorize the times when you can safely insert your memory card and when you have to bloody hell take it out... I was hoping that that would be it, that the first ACloader wouldn't be that different from the last... but the goddam thing is...

Naturally, you can't stop progress... if you can call goddam piracy as progress...

Even before Eurasia threw in the towel and abandoned their GC hacking project, for reasons unknown, it was already becoming clear to the hacking community on the goddam net, that the Eurasia loader was only using 5%-10% of the Gamecube's 10Mbit broadband adapter capacity at any give time. So it was only natural that some other group with some goddam agenda, Paradox in this case, would leech off of Eurasia's source code and release an improved loader, known as the PDX Acloader 1.2 that arrived on the internet just two or three days ago. And the crappy thing is... goddammit, thanks to some generic LAN optimizations, and thanks to some goddam new caching feature that allows your PC RAM to store GC memory fetches or some crap like that, games like F-zero GX and even my goddam Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker almost work goddam flawlessly now, almost to the point where there's no point in goddam buying them anymore... sure, loading times still suck in-game, although initial loading times have been reduced from 5 minutes to about 3 minutes for gaming start screens. And sure, memory card problems still abound, mainly because the memory card uses the same EXI bus as the broadband adapter does, causing Wind Waker and the like to crash if you don't remember to remove the memory card and reinsert it at certain no-name times... But still, goddammit! Just last week, I was taken solace in the single fact that legendary games such as Metroid Prime, Super Mario Sunshine, Super Smash Bros. Melee, and Zelda: Wind Waker didn't even load with the goddam ACloader! I was praying to goddam God that maybe, just maybe, that these games' "streaming-on-the-Marty-Mc-fly" ways would prevent them from ever working through the goddam PSO exploit... but noooooo... of course not... of course all my hopes and dreams are just a bunch of bullshit... because just "optimizing" the goddam loader with goddam caching, has allowed almost every single one of my favourite goddam games to work, albeit with memory card problems, and albeit with some stuttering in goddam music... but still, that's about it... and that's not a lot...

And I don't know why. Maybe it's because I bought these games and now feel cheated. Maybe it's because I just goddam hate the attitude of these pirates against Nintendo, whom they refuse to pay their respects, dividends, and cash to... but still... there's just something, there's just goddam something, about all this goddam Nintendo Gamecube piracy news... that sends chills through my bones... and not in a goddam good way, like it does to nine year old basement boys who think downloading piracy collections is the same thing as goddam sex...

And from here on in? If just goddam simple caching can get even the most sophisticated of Gamecube games to work flawlessly? All Paradox has to do, or whatever else crappy group that comes to the so-called "rescue" next has to do, is simply get our PC computers to run the goddam GC broadband adapter at even 50% of its 10Mbit bandwidth capacity, and then the goddam streaming should be enough to get any game to work near flawlessly, even with music and full FMV completely intact with no downsampling, although the memory card problems would probably still abound (there is still no way to prevent the conflicts between the memory card writes and broadband adapter reads... but I may have spoken too soon, knowing these goddam pirates...). So although I know Nintendo will never read this goddam update of mine, and although I know that even if they ever did, they'd never listen to a goddam, useless, no-name fanboy such as myself... still... if only so I can patent down my goddam allegiances on goddam internet paper, these are my recommendations for Nintendo to goddam do:

a) Nintendo can recall all Phantasy Star Online GC copies on store shelves, and recall all their 10Mbit broadband adapters as well (which some people insist Nintendo is already doing, although it's odd how the company is still shipping out BBAs on their own goddam website then...). And Nintendo shouldn't rerelease PSO or the new Phantasy Star Online - Episode III until this goddam hacking bug is patched, if only because the god-awfully low number of PSOs sold to date will severely limit Gamecube piracy to a real minority... the only real problem is this: Sega and Nintendo can't patch Phantasy Star Online, without completely ruining the online portion of the goddam game. Because this is what the whole goddam hacking ordeal is goddam based on: Sega built into GC PSO the ability to be "patched" in memory from any online server that it connects to, either in hope of blocking cheating, or to update the game with new items and crap like that on the fly or some crap like that... and thanks to this goddam fucking brilliant idea, hackers were able to trick PSO into patching itself with a whole other goddam, commercial game... simply because fucking Sega didn't even goddam bother securing against this feature being exploited... I mean, what the fuck? Honestly, what the fuck was Sega smoking when they left a hole this goddam fat ass big? What the fuck did they expect to happen?... The only thing they can do now to fix their goddam DCesque mistake, is to install some sort of encryption to prevent PSO patching from any client but the goddam Sega servers... which will require a complete overhaul of Sega's PSO servers in the end, and may royally screw up any gamers still online with their old, unpatched versions of PSO... and honestly, with Sega not giving the best of smiles and support to Nintendo lately, except for goddam fucking Billy Hatcher? I seriously doubt they'll even bother to recall their PSOs, if only because they'll be banking on Nintendo not wanting to royally piss the Naka off...

So here's my other suggestion: recall all 10Mbit BBAs, and release 1Mbit BBAs in their place so that we can get some goddam use out of the LAN features for Mario Kart: Double Dash, 1080 Avalanche, and Kirby's Air Ride... Nintendo was going to go all the way with their LAN ideas, and even got Gamespy on board to get Mario Kart online with tunneling LAN technology... but they honestly can't keep selling 10Mbit BBAs (which potentially can work at 100Mbit mind you, according to Anandtech specs), when goddam Gamecube hacks and cracks are making the rounds all over the net... So by rereleasing the BBA in 1Mbit bandwidth incarnations, it'll effectively stop piracy, as already the PDX ACloader requires at least 1.5Mbit/sec transfer rates to get Gamecube games running as well as they are. And honestly, while 1Mbit BBAs might screw up Nintendo's Gamespy plans, and although it might cause bugs with unpatched versions of PSO, at least it'll sure as hell work fine with the Mario Kart DD LAN games that we so dearly desire.

b) My second suggestion, is to simply insert some sort of goddam security into all Nintendo Gamecube games from now on. Unfortunately, Mario Kart DD has already gone gold, so it's too late to test some sort of Macrovision security in that... But starting next year, with games like Final Fantasy: CC and Metal Gear Solid: Twin Snakes, Nintendo should at least implement this simple solution: simply have the game "software reset" itself every single time it gets to the title screen... Zelda: Wind Waker proves that the Gamecube can simply reset itself to the game's starting screen, after checking the game disc's barcode encryption, no matter when or where the reset button was pressed. So honestly, this shouldn't be hard for Nintendo to implement. When the ACloader is used on a game, it'll load the starting logos and then simply goddam reset and hopefully load off of the goddam disc in the goddam Gamecube. So if the game is legit, it'll "reset" itself to the starting screen where you can press start and get on with the gaming. And if the game is being played through the ACloader? Hopefully, the reset will reload the PSO disc that's still in the Gamecube, and bring up that awful, goddam Sega starting screen rather than the game being goddam pirated...

Of course, "software resets" may not always work, but it's a simple solution that seems to be easy enough to implement by even the upcoming holiday season games, as long as they haven't yet gone gold. But what about in the long-term, if this reset security fails to keep the hackers at bay?... Well, this solution is a lot harder to implement, but it'll definitely be unhackable unless crackers truly want to waste away their days and months... Using an encryption scheme, future first party Nintendo games at least (such as Pikmin 2, Metroid Prime 2, Wind Waker 2, and Mario 128) should constantly read a specialized form of data during gameplay from the Gamecube disc drive, such as how damn quickly the disc is currently spinning, or maybe at times the drive can "burst" a signal at 25Mbit/sec (the drive's max speed) that drastically affects the game in memory if it isn't sent. For example, in a future Metroid Prime, when you're loading a new room or some crap like that, if a signal isn't sent from the Gamecube disc drive that it's properly sending data at 25Mbit/sec (which the 10Mbit BBA simply cannot do, unless it can be resetted in the future to 100Mbit in PSO), then the game will either stall and wait for a real 25Mbit/sec signal to be sent, or simply goddam crash in the goddam end... Although this method requires a hell of a lot of work to implement, and although it might cause serious problems with scratched GC games or GC disc drives that no longer work 100% properly, it definitely will keep hackers at bay, as no amount of ACloader optimizations or game music downsampling will ever easily defeat this kind of problem...

And c)? My favourite suggestion, if only because I loved it when they did this for the Nintendo 64 (although I may be in the minority on this)... Wouldn't it be neat, if Nintendo released a Gamecube RAM expansion pack sometime next year, that "conveniently" is used through the BBA serial port on the bottom of the Gamecube?... Games like Star Wars: Rogue Squadron and Zelda: Majora's Mask really proved just how damn good a RAM pack can be to a game, and everyone should know by now just how damn much I loved playing Perfect Dark in hi-res, even with all the FPS slowdown... Now, wouldn't it just be a pleasant "coincidence" if games like Metroid Prime 2 and Mario 128 "required" this extra RAM pack to run properly?... not only would this effectively stop piracy in its tracks, for these games at least (as you can't play the game and have the BBA in the serial slot at the same time), but it'll benefit gamers in the end with better graphics and hopefully better gameplay, as long as the RAM pack doesn't sell for an arm and a leg... The only real problems with this? First of all, the BBA serial port down below only runs at 27Mbit/sec, which definitely isn't much compared to the 1GB of whatever bandwidth that the built-in RAM of the Gamecube normally has. So a RAM pack down below may be completely useless in the end (I would recommend a hard drive instead then, but that'd be hacked in a day or less for full access piracy, so...)... Second, gamers who legitimately have the BBA might get pissed off as hell if they have to keep switching the BBA with the RAM pack for certain games and vice versa, especially if they have a GB Player connected as well... Third, the RAM pack may conflict with the memory card EXI bus the same way as the Acloader does, although I'm sure Nintendo can work around this problem, considering they made the system... And lastly, making a new hardware product sure as hell certainly ain't easy, and I seriously doubt Nintendo could both roll out a RAM expansion pack AND modify their 2004 line-up of games in time without delaying them until the next generation of goddam console systems... but still... a guy can always dream, now can't he?...

In the end though, I've got a hunch that this is what Nintendo is really going to do: NADA... they've dealt with piracy before, and realize that the "limited" piracy of the Famicom, SNES and the GBA (if you can call that limited...) actually helped the systems beat out the competition, if only by improving the image and word of mouth of these systems. So in the end, hell, maybe they were goddam hoping for piracy to occur, if only to steal some limelight away from all the fun people are having with their Xbox hard drives (and I'm not talking just about the sex here...)... and I bet Nintendo will happily go back on their piracy-blaming tangent yet again, claiming that billions of future sales losses are due to rising piracy rates and not because of softening software demand (since they sure as hell keep getting embarrassed whenever GC software sales keep falling... even without any goddam piracy whatsoever in the past...). .. but still... that doesn't change the way I feel about this whole damn, fucking ordeal... because the thing is... just like I don't mind guns, but I hate the people who use them... I don't mind piracy at its technological state. But I fucking hate the people who do the hacking... and I especially hate the people who just leech and leech and goddam !list off of whatever they can find on the net for fucking free, even if in the end they do inadvertently "help" the Nintendo cause...

Or maybe I just feel goddam cheated by all this... because I myself bought Animal Crossing new, just one goddam day before the Eurasia Animal Crossing Loader was announced and released... but hopefully, that's besides the point... because it all sounds like so much goddam fun, now doesn't it?... and, well...

Animal Crossing for the Nintendo Gamecube is one of those games that still baffles me with its success... because, well... I never would've imagined that the Sims would've made it big in the gaming world... until I realized it was already one of the best selling games of all time, even in the PC market of rampant piracy. So I guess that shows what I know... Now, with that said, I officially now say: don't goddam listen to anyone who says Animal Crossing is a clone of the Sims. I forget which game was actually released first (Animal Crossing for the Gamecube is actually a port of the N64 game, Animal Leader, I believe...), but does it really matter? While The Sims feels pretty goddam hectic to play, with bills to pay on the double dime here and with jobs and kids to annoy you with each and every day, Shigeru Miyamoto's Animal Crossing is a whole different "beast" of a creature in itself. Because AC is not about living life as we know it... it's about living life at a leisurely pace... it's about living life at your pace, which I definitely have grown to love, faster than the weeds can grow in my not-so-randomly named town of Hyrule... To be honest, I'm not just baffled by why Animal Crossing managed to become a platinum selling hit (which is more than I can say for 95% of the Xbox "platinum" hits out there...). Every single day, I just keep getting more and more terrified, mortified, and stupefied... by the mere fact that I'm actually falling in love with a game as simple as goddam Animal Crossing, even in this day and age of overly complicated games...

And it appears that I'm not the only one... There's tons of naysayers on the net, who claim that Nintendo has lost all sense of innovation this generation, just churning out sequel after sequel, except for perhaps Pikmin (which sadly, was one of those rare Miyamoto games, along with Stunt Race FX and the original Star Fox, that I simply did not like). And because they hate to admit that they're wrong, whenever these pessimists are countered with the fact that Animal Crossing is one of the most unique gaming beasts anyone has ever devised, they simply retort that Nintendo has lost all innovation for "this" generation, and that Animal Crossing was an innovative game for the Nintendo 64, NOT the Gamecube... but still... even if they're right, they're still admitting one thing... They still always admit in the end, that not only is Animal Crossing one of the most innovative games ever developed, even by Miyamoto's standards, but that it's also goddam fun and mindlessly addicting to play, even to anti-Nintendo fanboys such as themselves... hell, they even admit at times that paying back your loan of all things in AC, is something they never would've thought they'd enjoy, and take it from me - that's a hell of a lot to get out of guys who won't even admit Metroid Prime and Wind Waker are decent games... Although you always get the rare occasion when somebody bashes Animal Crossing for its "kiddie" graphics or its simplistic gameplay, you also always end up getting a mass mob of Nintendo and anti-Nintendo fanboys alike, all damn crowding and demanding and interrogating those AC naysayers one single damn question... to simply know:

Yes, ladies and gents. The full moon's a 'rising. Animal Crossing literally is that damn good.

And honestly, obviously looking at screenshots or even movies of the game simply do not do the game justice. I mean, I can sum up the game in essentially one sentence: you move into a virtual town of talking animals, and do a bunch of errands and collection sprees for neighbours to earn yourself enough money for new furniture and new upgrades to your house... and besides that? I guess there's a flock of seagulls and a gas shortage, but that's about it... no doot aboot it... And c'mon already, right? NGC = "No Good, C'mon?", right?... When I first read long ago about that completely "Japanese-game-like" AC premise or whatever in the N64 days, I actually applauded Nintendo for not bringing the game overseas, if only because I knew it would bomb so badly... but goddammit, how was I supposed to know it would end up being one of the best, damn selling games for the Nintendo Gamecube? How was I supposed to know, that even I would get so damn addicted to checking my town for goddam new fish in the rivers every single damn day of the year?

That's not to say Animal Crossing doesn't get boring... quite the contrary, I find that it's hard to even play this game for half an hour a day without getting bored of pulling weeds and talking to obviously pedophillic neighbours (I mean, they always seem to love my letters when I tell them they like to beat on little boys...)... But that's the real genius of Animal Crossing, and the real reason why this game is completely different than the Sims: because the game has so many different, random events happening each day according to your Gamecube's clock, that you just can't help but check your town every single damn day of the week, at least just once, just to see what Tom Nook's has new in store... or if there's a rare type of bug flying around... or if the rain has exposed some new type of dinosaur fossil... or if some travelling salesman has landed with limited time offer gifts... or hell, just the other day, a sailor landed on shore, and I supposedly "saved" his life by poking him in the arse (like he liked it...) with my fishing pole... Sure, the novelty of finding Shenmue sailors in my little town of Hyrule may wear off after a few playings of goddam Shenmue, but honestly... There's always something new to do in Animal Crossing, no matter what day. I'm always looking for new bugs to catch. I'm always looking for new fish to sell. I'm always checking to see whether a new neighbour has moved into town or not. And although I feel sorry for PAL users (since NOE and N-Australia obviously don't seem to care about you guys), I must admit that I can't wait until the next frickin' holiday in this game. Halloween is just around the corner, and although I'm sure the novelty of giving away virtual candy will wear off sooner than I think, the fact remains... that goddam Shigeru Miyamoto is a frickin', goddam genius.

He's a friggin', goddam genius... because he made a game so damn simple that it looks like it could even run on the frickin' original Gameboy, albeit with less colour... But just thanks to the little treasures in this game, like getting a letter from your parents in the morning, to suddenly unearthing some new treasure by the shore, it all makes the Animal Crossing experience one that I know I simply won't be able to put down for the longest of whiles, at least not until I no longer have the Christmas holidays to look forward to, to see what AC presents I get... And technical wise? As simple as the game is designed, it's actually very effective in setting the right mood for the game. Right now, it's fall season (although I "time-travelled" to see what all the other seasons look like too), and I must admit, although the textures on the animal's clothes are horrible, the lighting both during the day and at night of the autumn season looks better in a sense that most modern games do in this day and age... The sound effects are obviously not THX in quality, but surprisingly, the music is addicting just enough and always molding perfectly in the background. And while the animalese talking does get on my nerves, somehow I can almost make out what they're saying, just by the blurps coming from their mouths and the text written on screen... And the controls for this game are simply perfect, as I can't help but praise Miyamoto for having the foresight to picking three different buttons, all for running. I never fell like I'm moving sluggish in this game, and honestly, in a town where you I try to visit everyone every single day, that's honestly much more important than I would've ever imagined if I designed the game...

Is Animal Crossing a perfect game? Alas, no. Moving furniture around in your house can be awkward, and I just bloody hell wish there was a way to quickly get rid of all the weeds in town (after I "time-travelled" back to the present, of course). Travel between towns is also not nearly done as well as I'd hoped... I don't like having to have a friend's memory card to visit his town and buy from his shop, if only because I don't have any friends... I won't complain about the lack of online capability, even though even the modem adapter could've worked perfectly for visiting other people's houses in this game... But I honestly wish you could visit other people's towns through some password system or something, similar to the method of item trading. Although saving would've be a bitch of a problem then (since the game would then require more than 59 blocks of memory for 2 towns to be in memory), it would've been a nice option to have, although I credit Miyamoto for inventing his own form of "online" with the trading system in the first place... And oh, one more thing. Tom Nook is annoying as hell when he sells you stuff. You can never get past his speech fast enough with the B button to just buy what the hell you want, and if you press B too many times? You keep exiting the menu and have to go through his long winded speeches all over again... it's just a minor thing, but still...

But besides these tiny, minuscule, animalese-sounding problems?... honestly, except for perhaps Zelda: Wind Waker, there's been no game on earth or the animal kinding, as addicting as Animal Crossing has been to me in the past year, if not even longer... I'm always hoping in this game for a new Nintendo game to come in the mail or the monthly raffle. I'm always keeping my shovel in hand for X marks in the dirt, or my fishing pole in hand in hope of catching the most rarest of bass... No matter all the other games I've bought recently (which I'll review when I finally finish them...), I always end up popping Animal Crossing back into my Gamecube at the end of the day, right before Tom Nook's closes at 10pm, not just because I'm addicted to having every damn bit of commercial furniture I can get my paws on (ironic, isn't it?... how the most innocent looking of games can bring out the absolute worst in all of us in terms of materialism and pedophillic bigotry... but, um, nevermind...)... I keep turning on this game, not just because of holidays, and not just because of the wishing well... but I turn it on, because it's EASY to turn on. Because I know when I'm putting Animal Crossing into my Gamecube, that I have a CHOICE to play for five minutes or less, or ten minutes or more if I want to... I continue to play Animal Crossing, because it doesn't take effort to. It's just pure, simple, innocent, animalistic sex fun... And that's the real reason why I can't get enough of just how ingenious Shigeru Miyamoto is. He's made the first ever game that I feel doesn't "require" me to invest the time and effort into that all the complicated games of today seem to... he's made the first ever game, that is as goddam "convenient" for me to just pick up and play, as it is flicking on a light switch or seeing what's on television... He's made the first ever game, where I can just simply turn the game on, and feel goddam comfortable and goddam relaxed, knowing that I'll be a happier man, even after just two minutes of gaming...

And then of course, the game takes away my life, preventing me from doing homework for five hours straight, given the right day and time... Miyamoto is sure as hell one sly devil... Beware the Animal Crossing, I'm warning you all. It has far more bite than bark, as even anti-Nintendo fanboys can attest to that... because yes, it's that damn good. Because it all sounds like so much goddam fun, now doesn't it?...

Anyhew, I know that while one of you readers actually cares about my Y2kk rants and my weekly video game reviews of whatever, I know that all the rest of you Y2kk readers out there (yes, all two of you) have all been only waiting for... the one... the only... the IvanFian, no-name small Smallville week in review!... Now, this week's episode of Slumber or REM or whatever the hell it was called, was actually more interesting to me than Smallville has been in years... or possibly ever... but still...

... "Skinny dipping = cool. But Superman being fast enough to dodge bullets, but not goddam swords? What the hell is 'upwidat?... Slumber started out with so much promise, but ended up feeling like Superman vs Freddy and Jason by the end... though I do admit the ending lines didn't hurt like kryptonite hell for goddam once..."

And, well...with Enterprise running a rerun this week of potentially their first and worst episode of the season, I was afraid that Smallville was all the TV I was going to have... and that's not a good thing... that's a thing as tortuous as Martha Stewart to me in the end... But thankfully, just thankfully, this week's episode of Angel, Hellbound, ended up being absolutely the best Angel episode since Soulless (although Just Rewards had its moments), and probably the best written Mutant Enemy episode since Buffy's Conversations with Dead People. And of course, I have to attribute this all to Spike... because Spike's truly 'da man! Da Yoda man for sures... Every single line he had in Hellbound was delivered with grace and poise and prose, from his comment near the start that he practically invented afraid of the dark, to simply the raw look in his eyes when he was refusing to talk to flunkie spirits anymore... and the real beauty of James Marsters, is that no matter who he acts with, he seems to bring out the best in the actor. Because I swear, his talk with Angel about being destined for hell? Not only did it raise some very important issues for the Buffyverse (now that the vamps have souls, they're doomed to suffer), but honestly, Angel gave his best speech since he was goddam evil last year. I loved the way the two were just snarking at each other on the couch, and honestly, the 'liking-his-poems' bit and the Barry Manilow comeback was just sheer brilliance, both in terms of pure comedy and perfect comic relief... And whenever Spike was with Fred? Hell, the way she smiled at him was better than she ever smiled at Wesley or Gunn. The way she froze when she was nipped by Spike on the shirt in the lab spoke more volumes about her acting skills than any of her Fredcentric episodes did last year... And hell, even when Spike wasn't on screen, just talking about Spike brought out the best in the cast and crew of the series. Fred's justification of going overbudget in the science department was brilliantly woven and written, as not only did Angel look and act very strangely like a real CEO (albeit a nervous one), but I loved the looks between Fred and Eve as well. Fred commenting about how she ain't some stupid school girl with a crush was brilliant, not only because her delivery of her sarcastic comments was perfect, but because she was a school girl with a dozen crushes just two years ago... And as great as the Barry Manilow comment was in the episode (and props to Angel as well for the Dark Soul references as well... although I wonder if Spike's beating him in that category...), probably the best comic relief in this episode definitely came from the Gunn and Wesley comments about Spike going to hell. Logically, if you think about it... they're right... and wonderfully, thanks to the overdramatic music, logically the scene was funny as hell...

But as great as all the cast was in this episode (except for Lorne, who was MIA probably because his own episode is up to plate next week), I really can't help but praise Spike some more. He did it all in this episode, in terms of acting in character. He was snipeful with Angel with his comment on his "block of wood mystique". He was disturbed in the basement scenes, when he saw the man cutting off his own fingers (which along with the girl who took the shard of glass out of her eye, was the only thing that disturbed me as well). He was tender in his scene with Fred, when he was thanking her for all she's done and couldn't do, even though she couldn't hear him... He was honest, but never throwing in the towel, when he was stripped to his bare necessities and forced to play by Pavayne's rules... He was wrathful, and hell, having a good ol' Spike duster time, when he finally got to get his groove on, and land a few dozen punches and licks in his first fight since becoming Casper... and hell, he was also sweet and thoughtful at the end of the episode, when he showed understanding and not selfishness in his final talk with Fred over his lost chance to relove and live... James Marsters did it all in this episode, and although I will admit that some of Pavayne's speeches and flunkies were cheesy as hell (and a little too disorienting too, when he kept making his flunkies speak for him inbetween sentences), Spike truly made the most of it, as he "sold" (as I would say if this was wrestling) the fear and literally hell that Pavayne was projecting as something that even a vampire like Spike would be scared of... Because Spike's always been a man in control. That's why he likes the world - because he's not some small bit player in it, and hasn't been since he was turned. And just the raw look of paralyzation in his eyes, when he realized that he's completely powerless to stop his descent into hell?... honestly... it was priceless... Spike being Hellbound, was simply priceless... All the talk of Shanshu prophecies this and Spike's passions to be a "real boy" that, were all simply goddam priceless... and makes me wonder just how I ever could've watched a Mutant Enemy show without Spike as a character...

... and it also makes me wonder how I possibly could've tolerated Smallville just an hour earlier... but that's besides the point...

Y2kk Update: On August 5th of 2003, I wrote this: "as far as I predict, for the next three years, Gamecube games will not be pirated until the dawn of the next age of console gaming, at least as far as the casual gamer is concerned"... and just last Wednesday, I was bragging to my friends at school that while the Xbox was hacked in less than one week after release, no-one's been able to crack the piracy protection on the Nintendo Gamecube in over two years as of now, and that the Gamecube probably won't be hacked for years to come...

So much for my prediction, right?... well, not exactly... You see, I was smart enough to add at the end of my completely ignorant statement: "at least as far as the casual gamer is concerned"... Meaning that although I knew that ways to pirate on the Gamecube would eventually exist, I was counting and banking on the fact that there would be no easy, surefire, spitefire, Sunfire Pontiac, cheapass way to play pirated Nintendo games at 100% quality, like you can with just a modded Xbox and a rented game downloaded to your hard drive...

And to some extent, in that context at least, at least I don't look that fucking stupid... Because the thing is, yes, the Gamecube was cracked over the weekend, after just over two years of trying... I can't deny that... but I can still try to keep my pride intact, as pissed off as I am that Gamecube security has finally been breached, by at least half-hopelessly and helplessly justifying to myself, that hopefully Nintendo won't be completely screwed by this... Because you see, the way the hackers finally cracked the Gamecube, was through a glitch in Phantasy Star Online discovered a month or so before that August 5th article of mine (which was what the article was essentially ranting about in the first place). When the news first came out in the summer, it came with a tagline claiming that only 4MB of GC RAM could be used through the PSO hack (since the rest was being used to run PSO in the background), meaning that commercial games would never be able to run thanks to a lack of memory... But somehow, just somehow, a group of hackers named Eurasia have found a way to overwrite PSO's .dol executable file to reclaim almost 32MB of the Gamecube's RAM, enough for almost every single game to play... but to play or not to play flawlessly?... that is the question, more or less, at least...

Because while the memory program has now been hacked and solved, there's one problem that can't be solved without the use of external hardware: the method of loading and actually running the actual Gamecube isos... Because you see, this is the real reason why my stupid prediction is still intact: because in order to pirate on the Gamecube, you must first a) load PSO, b) change around the IP settings in the game to accept data from your PC, c) attach your PC to the GC broadband adaptor, then d) change the IP settings in your PC to upload to your GC, then e) run the bug in PSO to enable uploading, then f) run Eurasia's new uploader program on the PC to send to the GC game Isos through the broadband adaptor, and then g) finally, yes finally, you can play your game... after h) about five or ten minutes of black screen of death, initial loading time... and as long as you're willing to deal with choppy gameplay, choppy FMV, and loading times that make the PsOne look like a godsend... Short story short, while small time games like Animal Crossing and Luigi's Mansion have already been tried and tested to work almost flawlessly with this broadband adaptor hack for the Gamecube (although the 5 minute initial loading times from the PC to the GC are a real pain in the ass), the problem is, even games as simple as Wave Race GC or as complicated as Metroid Prime get seriously choppy from all the lagging loading speeds on the fly, while games like F-zero GX and most other games don't seem to even be able to load and save off of memory cards while using this hacking software... Now, I have no doubt in my mind that the memory card problem will eventually be solved with time, but there is simply no way in hell that Eurasia can optimize their uploading code to make a game like Zelda: The Wind Waker work flawlessly on the fly. The GC broadband adaptor only runs at 10Mbit at max, and as long as games remain choppy due to this loading fact, and as long as it takes a hell of a long time just to set up the GC for pirating in the first place (the a->g step process, I mean... and I assume you also have to set up PSO and your PC again each and every time you want to play another pirated game, so...), then honestly, who throws a shoe? Honestly, what piraters in their right minds would actually use this PSO hacking method rather than buy their games used or something?... besides honestly, the only ones who would probably care about this... are the ones on the internet who are either hacking junkies, or just really, really, ridiculously against giving their money to Nintendo... even though they bought a Gamecube... and even though they bought a GC broadband adaptor... and even though they bought Phantasy Star Online of all games, but that's besides the point...

Of course, judging by my track record, now that I've said all this 10Mbit bullshit, I bet Eurasia (the company that released the PSO loader hack) will probably find a way by next weekend or some crap like that, around the hardware problems I've mentioned, and get even my beloved Zelda: Wind Waker to work perfectly (I mean, already their Metroid Prime and Mario Sunshine releases work a hell of a lot better than their last week releases did). As soon as they can just get around those pesky memory card problems of theirs, then even with all the choppiness in games, I'm sure more than enough gamers will have their PCs next to their GCs anyhew and pirate 24/7, even though they probably claimed to hate all GC games just a week ago, I shit you not (although I heard that in preparation, Nintendo started yanking off PSOs and broaband adaptors from store shelves two or three weeks ago... but that could simply be a rumour)... but like I've been trying to stress, how many gamers would actually keep their PCs wired to their Gamecubes instead of to their broadband internet connections or whatever? How many gamers would leave their PC next to the GCs and TVs, just to play games that take forever to load up in the first place don't run properly at all? Or even if they just use a long ethernet cable, why the hell would they bother running back and forth, to and fro, from their PCs to their GC, just to make sure the damn things are communicating properly (the Eurasia releases apparently don't load properly or "quickly" all the time)?... So as far as I'm concerned, I've learned just three things from this experience:

Two - Like I said in my August article, no security system is impenetrable. But you can definitely make one so damn annoying to pirate for, that it's hardly worth the effort. And I congratulate Nintendo on that.

And three - wait, I take lesson two back... the first part of it, at least... Nintendo did make a flawless security system. The only real flaw, was letting goddam "piracy-killed-the-Dreamcast" Sega of Japan, program for the damn Gamecube... Therefore, for this whole GC hacking fiasco, instead of blaming my own stupidity... and instead of just heaping the usual blame on hackers who don't just want a selfless hardware challenge like they claim they do, but want the attention that goes along with their "accomplishments" (otherwise why the hell would they release their goddam hacking, pandora's box programs to the public?)... well... I've officially learned that if there's any real lesson to be learned from all this, it's that... when in doubt... it's always their fault:...

And meanwhile? Since I said it once, I might as well say it again... "as far as I predict, for the next three years, Gamecube games will not be pirated until the dawn of the next age of console gaming, at least as far as the casual gamer is concerned"... and, well... three years from now? I was talking about the start of 2006... that's a long way to go, but I've got nothing left now except to hold true to my word... even though it probably won't hold true to next Thursday, but I digress...

Anyhew, enough boo hooing about the stupidity of the online world. Now it's time for what you've all obviously been waiting for: the small Smallville review of the week!... now, I don't even know what the episode was called, so I'll just go by the "Friends-system" of naming, and call it "the episode with the kryptonite bullets" or some crap like that... and, well... How did I feel about this noname episode?...

... "What the fuck? Bad guys are too fucking stupid to shoot at the damn head? Wasupwidat?... and God - honestly, how damn stupid can Lana be? She was told the truth to her fucking face! What the fuck is wrong with her! I swear, every single fucking week..."...

And there you have it! A review for the episode that has no name, much like myself... but now, onto the important shows in life... Angel unleashed its episode of "Unleashed" this week, and truth be told, something just didn't click right about it... Maybe it was the ending that through me off, considering it was all light headed and family-friendly or something, while the rest of the episode seemed like it was trying to be disturbed with slashing little girl's throats and everything... Overall, the writing just didn't seem to work in Unleashed, possibly because it lacked any sense of comic relief, and possibly because Spike was simply too vixenated or something by his travels to the dark side of the force, that he didn't even get off one single, decent comical line that I can remember... well, besides the look on his face when he learned Angel killed a werewolf with a silver pen, but still... The episode was simply too fragmented in the end as well. One moment, you had Fred ignoring Spike, and then without any flow in the sequence of scenes, after it seemed like she had forgotten all about him, suddenly he's the first thing on her mind... The episode also seemed to deal a little too heavily on Nina, the werewolf girl. Now, I was all for all the close-ups on her, considering Angel the series always manages to get girls that rile me up (Fred just looked perfect in her dress while ordering Chinese food, Darla always looked damn fine in silk, and Nina absolutely looked hot as werewolf hell in those tight T-shirts Angel kept feeding her... how does the Angel crew keep getting women this damn beautiful? No other show on earth can consistently get a full moon rise out of me...). But besides her looks, and besides how cute she looked in her PJs when she was all disoriented in the morning and everything, I can't say she was terribly interesting or anything... maybe I'm still bored of werewolf syndrome from the Oz days (Oz had cool lines, but I never really liked his character), but at times her lines just felt cliche about describing what its like to wake up in the morning a monster... and I can't say I sensed any real chemistry between her and Angel, although perhaps that was the point... because, well...

Fred got a lot lines to say, but none were truly memorable... except one, you see... I noted last week that Spike already noticed Fred looks up to Angel, and in this episode, Nina already could sense (or just guess) that there was something between the two as well. I've got a feeling that Fred will finally pass herself around to Angel this season, after going through all the other guys at Wolfram and Hart first and LA second, of course... Gunn got some decent moments in this episode too, as perhaps the Senior Partners are hoping he would eventually betray his friends after they all suspect him of already being a W&H spy, thanks to his brain jack job... Wes didn't get much to say. It seems with Fred and the science department dealing with all the magical stuff, Wes doesn't have much to do, although I loved how much he loved his pen near the start, but I digress... Lorne got some decent lines in Unleashed, but they all felt forced and out of place. He tried to give Angel a speech about isolating himself or something, which might work in later episodes when the group isn't so close anymore, but in Unleashed? How exactly was this speech supposed to fit in with the plotline, exactly?... and Angel? He got to help the helpless again for the first time in a long time, considering season four was all about the Big Bads and not the little bads... though his speeches were painful at best to listen to, about being a controlled monster and everything, but there was one thing I liked about him this episode... In the first two episodes, he killed humans without remorse: the commando leader in Convictions, and the Necromancer in whatever last week's episode was called... In Unleashed, he dives down deeper into the dark side, by sentencing everyone's favourite Dr. Phlox to death and not even flinching about it. At least in the first two episodes, he killed out of self defence, but in this one?... he simply didn't like the Denubulan guy... Angel's apparently a racist... but that's besides the point...

The point is, Unleashed was a simple episode that probably was supposed to remind us of the first and second seasons of the shows. There was a monster, there was a saving of the naked helpless from the monster, and of course, there was the nice twist of the eating-werewolves-alive for rich people convention, which was rather innovative... But truth be told, I didn't like Angel until the third season. So truth be told, Unleashed didn't move me one bit, except to unleash painful remembrances of why I so preferred the fourth season of Buffy over the first season of Angel...

But maybe that's my bias talking... While I seem to be rather negative when it comes to decent Angel episodes, no matter how bad an Enterprise episode may be, I still end up actually liking it... This week's Enterprise episode, Exile, should've been boring and triteful as a trout to me at best, considering the main plot was a Hoshi plotline, and the B plot had barely any action whatsoever... I mean, the sight of the shuttlepod rolling and romping about on the surface of the sphere looked ridiculous at best (although perhaps it was simply moving strangely from spatial anomalies), and the planet of whatever that telepathic guy was called looked no better to me than a TNG episode on a Klingon world, so I really can't say I enjoyed the special effects this episode... The B plot was trivial to me, as the only suspenseful moment, when the shuttlepod was floating away uncontrolled, durated with duranium for just a few seconds at most. I mean, sure I found it interesting as hell that there are so many damn spheres in the Delphic Expanse. I mean, I now desperately want to learn why someone would actually make the expanse, so I give major kudos to the Enterprise writing team for making a story arc that I actually find motivating... But really, was there any real point in showing off Archer's journey to the sphere so damn much in terms of screen time, except to alleviate boredom from the Hoshi A-plot?... but before I get to that, let's round up the characters. Archer got to look happy at the start and pissed at the end. He tends to go through the motions. And it was kind of funny, actually - when his projected image was talking to Hoshi at the end, Hoshi knew it wasn't him from the inhuman, inconsiderate way he was talking... but if only she could see the captain through our televisions, she'd know that's what he's sadly like in person... T'Pol didn't get much to do, but at least continuity was established with her staying away from the trellium D in the launch bay... Reed got to sit there. So did Mayweather. So a job well done on both accounts, I think... And Tucker? Did he have more than one line? Probably not, but I guess that's alright, considering how much "I-can-eat-a-peach-for-hours" air time he's had lately... And Dr. Phlox, miraculously back from the werewolf dead on Angel, didn't get any special moments of his own, but at least he's getting lines now, if only because the Delphic Expanse is definitely proving useful in screwing up human physiology in one way or another...

But as for the Hoshi plotline... now, I'll admit that one of the reasons why I enjoyed this episode so much, was because I couldn't get enough of her silk and satin wardrobe... I mean, who honestly brings those kinds of clothes when they're a willing prisoner to a horny bastard is beyond me, though I'm not really one to complain... but you see, the strange thing is, that's not the only reason why I enjoyed Exile... Somehow, although Hoshi's backstory wasn't nearly as convincing to me as Mayweather's was last year (although the grandfather bit felt natural, though cliche, considering she's Asian), I somehow felt that she really did a good job in portraying a messed-up Beauty and the Beast storyline... she looked incredibly immersed in her book, as Belle would've certainly been. And she was gentle but strong as well when confronted by the telepath - she didn't lose her anger until the very deceitful end. She was tolerant, and compromising, and was ready to smash his balls in the end - or ball, to be precise... or Sauron crystal or whatever you want to call it... She was highly offended by how much personal knowledge the alien had stolen from her mind, and somehow Linda Park didn't appear forced in the way she acted. She never lost her calm when confronted with the graveyard, despite realizing that this man was a lonely as hell bastard looking for a sex slave... and the telepathic guy himself? The thing is, he wasn't horny or anything. He was simply lonely. And the two worked wonders, because although Hoshi hasn't seemed lonely in previous episodes, she certainly seemed distant in this one. And there was just something about her eyes, the way Linda Park was agreeing with the telepath... that she knows he's right about her, but she also knows that there's more to her than simply what he knows. The telepathic may have read her brain like a book, but he didn't exactly read her motives, her goals, or her loyalties properly. She of all people knows that there's a difference between reading the book of an alien race... and understanding its context the way it was meant to be read... The telepathic guy saw what he wanted to see in her in a sense, and as the no-name, dateless bastard over here... I can sort of relate... which is probably why I liked this episode in the end... because it seemed all too familiar... for him and Hoshi were reading my mind as well...

And besides, Hoshi the hottie, holding in heat, that big ass, Sauron Ball in a nightgown?... somehow, that just made my day... even after Smallville, and even after Smallville kicked Enterprise's ass in ratings yet again... but I digress...

Y2kk Update: You see, I was trying to be nice... I think... I mean, technically, there's nothing within our family history that bounds me in getting my brother what we consider to be expensive gifts for his birthday... it's just that... Two years ago or something, I bought for him NBA2K2 for the Dreamcast, which costed me a lot of money, relatively speaking from a jobless guy, mind you... The thing is... I was trying to be nice... I think... it was what he wanted, and he did end up playing the game a lot in the end... it's just that... naturally, he didn't play the game nearly as much as I did in the end... go figure, right?... a perfect birthday surprise indeed... the perfect crime... the best of both worlds, if only the hourglass wouldn't follow the goddam laws of men...

I forget what I gave him last year for his birthday, although I do remember that the very expensive MP3 player that I bought for him at Christmas is now just an expensive zip disk to him for moving MP3s from one lapdog laptop to another... But this year? Well... I was trying to be nice... I think... in my own, little shallow sort of way... I was willing to incur the costs of his happiness of course, as I always do... So what did I end up getting him for his birthday this year?... not to be usurped by his friends getting him NHL 2004 for the Xbox, I turned to the nearest Future Shop in the area, and picked up what seemed to be their last copy of WWE Raw 2 for the Xbox on store shelves (although they were probably hiding their stockpiles of the game in the back, considering I don't think it's exactly selling like hotcakes right now... although I doubt hotcakes sell well anymore either, but that's besides the point...). And of course, my brother loved the present, and once again felt guilty that I was showering and overshadowing him with gifts... and this time, just this time... I think I was being nice... I think... because you see, I haven't played Raw 2 once without my brother as first player. So technically, I haven't abused the system where I buy him games mainly for myself... it's just that... ummm... I haven't really touched Raw 2, mainly because I've been leeching off of my brother's NHL 2004 for the past two weeks... so, umm... a perfect birthday surprise, indeed... a perfect crime... the best of trireme worlds it seems, if only the hourglass would actually obey the laws that I wish were women, whatever the hell that's supposed to mean...

Short story short, THQ and Anchor have done wonders with WWE Raw 2... in terms of presentation at least... First of all, I'll admit that Raw 2 has absolutely the best menu and in-game music since the N64's Wrestlemania 2000, or even WCW Revenge... of course, the music in the game still pretty much sucks compared to most other games out there, hence I will stress the word "since"... But at least instead of horrible rap, or techno, or techno-tenchu-rap or crap like that, THQ has gone back to simply playing rock, The-Rock-without-rap-crap, steady midi tunes in the background, or even custom tunes ripped to your Xbox hard drive if you want... And the sound effects aren't bad in this game either, although considering how much more advanced the Xbox is over the N64 sound quality wise, THQ still has a long way to go until they gain my respect. I mean, while punching and kicking sounds are executed decently, little things like the sound of turnbuckles, the horrible twitching sounds of submission moves, and all the bland variants of grunting men just don't tickle my fancy the way they ought to, it seems... Wrestler entrances are done well for the most part, but I was really hoping for more, considering WWE Wrestlemania X8 for the Gamecube got quite a few intros down pat last year. And while there are some exceptional entrances in Raw 2 (Hollywood Hogan, Chris Jericho's, and Goldberg's come to mind), a lot of them seem even backwards compared to last year's wrestling efforts, notably Christian's and Randy Orton's (even though Orton didn't exist last year, but I digress)... but on the whole, I was very impressed by the presentation of WWE Raw 2. The graphics for the crowd are vastly improved over every single wrestling game I've ever encountered or encumbered, although their cheering and booing just isn't loud enough for my default tastes. The graphics to me, for some of the wrestlers at least, is amazing as well, as Shawn Michaels, Chris Jericho, and Booker T look so damn real at times that I forget that I'm playing an extension of the damn Raw game from last year... The animation has been improved for most wrestlers too, as they no longer look like they're walking with a stick up their asses. It's disappointing how guys like the Rock and Austin still don't have their patented walks though, but I guess you can't have your walk and eat it too, whatever the hell that means... or some crap like that... But honestly, the one single touch in this game that really impressed me to hell? The loading screen while you're waiting for matches, actually... Yes, it's true - the sky is falling, because I actually like loading in a game for once... Somehow, just somehow, although I will complain that sometimes slowdown enters the mix, I really can't complain in the end about just how damn cool the VS screen is, no matter which PPV you're going into. As a guy who watches wrestling every single week, I can honestly say that I truly do appreciate Anchor's efforts to get the background screens of Vengeance, Summerslam and Survivor Series and all those countless PPVs done justice in a game for once... it's just kind of sad (and ironic, I guess) that the entire Raw time was fired shortly after they finished this game... sure, I laughed my ass off when I heard the news, but still... 'tis sad... 'tis the perfect crime, without the birthday...

Is there a real reason why they were fired? Maybe, but I really don't see it from this game... Although while the presentation of Raw 2 puts all other wrestling games to shame, the in-game wrestling engine still leaves much to be desired... I will admit that Raw 2 has probably the closest wrestling action to AKI's WWF No Mercy than any wrestling game since... but once again, I stress the word "since"... There's no real strong-grapple in this game, which I shall forever bitch about, but the pace of the game is nice and slow enough to choose between doing moves with the X or A button, which is close enough, I guess... And to be honest, I sort of preferred the voltage meter in the original Raw better than in this game, although the one in Raw 2 is definitely closer to the No Mercy spirit meter than anything else... And finishers are a blast in this game too, as they're even easier and quicker to do than they are in No Mercy (plus the F5 looks cool ass as hell). The only problem is... how the hell do you counter goddam finishers? That was the raw beauty of Wrestlemania X9, and that's exactly where the problems with the Raw 2 game engine start showing their zebra spots. First of all, all reversals are now done by a single button, the B button. Although this simplifies the awkward controls of the original Raw a lot, it just leaves me with a cheap feeling, since I've grown so damn accustomed to trying to guess the right dodge button from No Mercy and WWE Wrestlemania X8... I also loathe the running in the Xbox Raw series. Why Anchor didn't just relegate a button to running like in any normal game, I'll never know... I do like some of their button choices: the white button for picking up weapons is actually handy since the game now never gets confused over what you want to pick up... But as for picking up guys off the mat? Although I don't mind the new way of doing submission moves, why the hell do guys suddenly wake up instead of staying in their dazed birdy mode when I pick them up? For game balance or some crap like that?... Why the hell do the L and R buttons not seem to work the way they're supposed to? Sure, the L button most times does target the nearest opponent, but it also goes for my own partner far too many times, and went for the referee more times than I can even remember... And it's absolutely annoying how the computer keeps pinning me in matches over and over again, because while it's nice how players can now actually pop or poop themselves out of submission moves easily, why the hell can't we get up after getting goddam pinned? It makes no sense!... Although I will definitely admit that the Raw 2 gaming experience is worlds ahead of the original Raw's, it probably has more to do with the following three features than anything built into the actual action itself:

The gimmick matches, the story mode, and the create a wrestler are literally worth the price of the game itself... more or less... The hell in a cell matches aren't perfect, I agree. It's simply too easy to TKO someone from the top, and it's kind of anticlimactic after you climb, when you can drop a guy through the cage so damn easily... And I really don't get what's up with TLC and Ladder matches. It takes me like a goddam minute of hanging on the goddam belt to actually win one of those matches. I really have no idea what Anchor was smoking, whether it was RVD 420, when they programmed that into their so-called game balance... But still, the fact of the matter is, Raw 2 has so much variety in these matches, including 3 vs 3 and 2vs2vs2 tornado matches, that I'm in multiplayer wrestling heaven. I've been demanding that the new generation of wrestling games should go beyond the standard 2 vs 2 formula for years now, and by God, it's fun as hell to have six guys all duking and deking it out in street fights all at once... Now, the real marketing point of Raw 2 was always the story mode, in which you're supposed to start feuds for the belt and crap like that over the course of unlimited wrestling seasons. And first things first, I went through it quickly with Jericho, winning him the World Title at Wrestlemania to earn me all the PPV arenas in the game... but the thing is... No matter who I beat or what I did, Jericho simply didn't get a single feud in the course of an entire season. I just got a bunch of random matches that eventually led to a title shot at Wrestlemania, which really didn't seem any different than previous wrestling story modes at all... So last night, I went into create a wrestler mode and made myself a "prototype" CAW... And I must admit, the CAW in this game is simply unmatched in move choices and wrestler appearances... once you steal every costume from every wrestler, that is... The one problem with the create a wrestler I found? That you can't configure taunts and motions properly in wrestler entrances. I had to choose Jericho's style for the whole entrance of my wrestler for some odd reason, even though in all previous games that I can remember, I could choose different taunts at different times. All the cool pyro and fogging stuff that you can implement in your entrances almost made up for this oversight... almost... but still... I then took my prototype wrestler into the story mode, and actually tried to start feuds this time. I constantly complained and set traps for the World and WWE Champions. I encouraged and manipulated Jericho (who lost the title, dammit!) into siding with me against Brock Lesnar and Scott Steiner, although I never did manage to get him as my manager... And some feuds did start, but... umm... They're not the ones I intended... Now, Rhyno's all over my ass, demanding matches against me almost every single damn week. Undertaker is now attacking me backstage all the time, even though all I did was interfere in one of his matches against Brock... And when I finally got a title shot against Scott Steiner, the World Champion at the time? After all the time I wasted on complaining and calling him out... he loses the title belt on the show right before I was finally going to get my goddam title shot!... hoenstly, do I have to sleep with Triple H in this game just to get a damn title shot, taking a cum shot, just like in real life?... wait, don't answer that...

Raw 2's story mode is far from being perfect. But thanks to popularity points and the simple fact that - sing it with me - "it's got'a season that never ends"... or some crap like that... the game is addicting just enough to make me proud that I bought the game... for my brother, of course... afterall, I was trying to be nice... I think... And the presentation, graphics, and music in this game are all huge improvements over last year's wrestling games, although the actual wrestling itself still has a long way to go until I can ever be impressed like I was with WCW Revenge... Raw 2 is by no means a perfect wrestling game. But it definitely is a perfect birthday gift, indeed... a perfect crime... the best of both worlds, it seems... if only the hourglass would follow the laws of goddam wrestling physics and dynamics... maybe they should take a look at the leaked Half Life 2 Havoc engine, it seems...

Anyhew, it's now officially time for what I know all yor non-existent, noname readers out there have been waiting for weeks! Salivating like Pavlovian dogs, it's finally time for yours truly's... "small Smallville week in review" review!!! See the three exclamation marks? It has to be good then... And this week's episode? Phoenix was it?... it doesn't really matter... all that does matter is...

... "What the fuck? Dr. Desiree the second, is really a frickin', having-herself-a-boner, Dr. Evil? What the fuck?... and now, who to fuck? But that's besides the point..."

... and there you have it! Definitely my best Smallville review EVAH!... granted, there's only been one noname Smallville review before this, but still...

Anyhew, onto the shows that actually matter in life... This week's episode of Angel, Just Rewards, was definitely one of the best written episodes I've seen from Mutant Enemy since Angel last lost his soul. Now, I know the internet complained quite a lot, about Spike taking up all the screen time in this episode... and I admit, it did feel like the writer's were trying to introduce him just a little too much all at once, just in case Angel fans don't bother watching Buffy anymore... but still... goddammit, I don't care how long his scenes were! They were all goddam funny as hell, as only Spike can achieve! I was balling in laughter from just his "bugger" and "balls" comments from the fallacies of being a Casper ghost... I loved his eternal haunting and tormenting of Angel in sports cars of all places... and hell, as a Brit, if only he had said "Honestly, who throws a spoon?", in what was obviously the action sequence of the century, then there would've been no better Spike centric episode in history... since the fourth or fifth season of Buffy, at least... But while Spike succeeded on all levels as the plucky, Patrick Swayze, comic relief, especially in his moments with Harmony, I will admit that he definitely did not fit into the subtle, subverted, Danny dark atmosphere that the Angel series is supposed to be all about. Whenever Spike talked about Buffy or what they had together, or when he was trying to get Fred to help him in the end, his overacting just didn't fit the context of the building he was in, or the feeling that the show's had since first season, unless the writers are now trying to change all that...Buffy was all about melodramatic romance crap. Angel is... well... the same... but not quite the same... and honestly, I laugh every single time I see Spike in the opening credits, simply because he sure as hell doesn't look like he belongs there with his duster! Believe me - his mistaking of LA for hell was hilarious enough for me to want 24 episodes of Spike a year instead of the show 24, but still... sometimes I wonder whether bringing him over to Angel was such a good idea in the first place...

Wait a second... what am I thinking? Of course it was a brilliant idea, because where else could he have such great chemistry with his grandsire?... Angel himself was funny in this episode for the first time in years even, or at least since he lost his pesky soul, I always dare to say... I mean, I was laughing so damn hard as his "Casper" insult, not because it was funny, but because it was so damn unfunny that it was hilarious! Him actually trying to match wits with Spike... not going to work when you're talking about Captain Forehead... Now, I loved the chemistry between the two of them, both when Spike was taunting, and when both of them were actually being serious, actually. Although I don't see how he found out about it, I did quite agree with Angel that the whole soul ordeal wasn't quite fair, with him suffering 100 years of torment and infinite remorse, and Spike only being insane in a basement for a mere three weeks (which was already too long for the attention span of most Buffy viewers, it seemed...)... just little moments like that were enough to show me that this ambiguous... umm... vampiric... duo... definitely deserves to be on screen... but the only problem was... What about the rest of the cast? Gunn actually got to play third star for once, as his new law firmness has him as Angel's new intelligence sidekick, supplanting Wes in the end, which will probably piss Wes off more sooner than later... Wes himself didn't have many lines. He did have a lot of confused looks though at things Angel didn't find worth mentioning about Spike, which was good enough for me until the whole eccentric, Spike-centricity thing settles down... Lorne was just there. He's quickly becoming the Pete and Mayweather, or even the fourth season Gunn, of the series it seems... and he's not even a brother.... and Fred? She looked cute as a bosom as always... and I loved her lukewarm statement... but, umm... she doesn't seem to have much chemistry with Spike at this point, although I could just be hoping that he doesn't fall for her over Buffy... I agree with Spike's observation though - Fred and Angel seem to have a connection that I never saw with Cordy... I just hope Fred doesn't get passed around to Spike first like she seems to do with all the other guys on the show...

Angel was definitely a hallmark episode this week. I can only hope the writers can keep up the brilliant writing and directing... But how about the Enterprise episode of the week? While Impulse was not the most deeply motivating or moving of episodes... it was definitely one of the coolest... if there's any episode that deserves an emmy for special effects, it's Impulse. Not only did the adrift Vulcan ship look shiny as hell, not only did the shuttlepods look kind of real in their movements for once, but what the hell was up with the minefield? Honestly, I was staring at those massive rocks just spinning around in unpredictable circles all episode long, and I never got bored, and why? Because I've never seen an asteroid field do this on a show... ever... and I do appreciate the creativity... unless it's been done before on Babylon 5, but I digress... As for the show itself, I must admit, even though I normally hate zombie shows and movies, I just couldn't get enough of seeing Vulcans at their Resident Evil worst. I was in agreement with the MACO guy - shoot to kill, because the Vulcans were essentially dead anyways... I don't normally say that in Star Trek, but that was the kind of cool atmosphere Impulse delivered on the small screen. The hollowed insides of the Vulcan ship were some of the best set designs I've seen outside of the Aliens movies. And although the make-up on the Vulcans was only decent at best, the lighting on the ship made them look spooky as hell to me, especially when they were clawing over each other to get to the Enterprise crew... The episode wasn't scary though - but it sure as hell was entertaining. Hell, how can I possibly not love an episode that ends in a warp core bang? The plot of Impulse was impulsive at best, but definitely nothing but warp speed in execution. It was non-stop action that may not be thoughtful or smart, but it definitely had me at hello.

Archer actually had his best episode in months, or even seasons actually, as he kept guiding the more and more bedazzled T'Pol through the corridors of her long lost ghost ship. T'Pol herself was much better at showing fear and paranoia than she has at any other emotion in prior seasons, as she really did seem... I don't know... alluring... when she was all sweaty and threatening to kill everyone... Reed got to shoot a bunch of people. He must've been happy as hell, and even though he didn't have many lines, simply his constant presence there was enough to make the episode feel ambiguously Reed oriented in the end... which makes me happy, in a sort of ambiguous way... Trip Tucker and Mayweather had a side project that at first seemed to be completely disjointed from the main Vulcan Halo one, but in the end, all good things and all good storyline threads did come together, which of course I always love in writing and execution... Mayweather didn't get many lines, but at least he got to wreck the transporter with the first real accident since the first season. And back to Trip again, he didn't get many memorable scenes... but I loved his concern when he found out that Trellium-D was poisonous to Vulcan blood streams. As an engineer, it was his duty to secure the ship from all anomalies... but then again, you could see he had some extra concern for a certain Vulcan he's come to know, which is a world's away difference from the looks he gave T'Pol in the first season episodes of Enterprise... and Hoshi? She was there. She's turned into Lorne, except without the witty lines and all the brotherly crap. Go figure...

Overall, Impulse may not have been the most food for thought for the brain, especially considering the Vulcans would eat your brains if you ever got smarter from this episode. But it definitely was one of the most entertaining hours of television I've had in months, and ranks right up there with Regeneration and Anomaly as true signs that Enterprise is at least way better than the movie, Signs, will ever be... it was perfect birthday surprise, even though it was no-one's birthday... a perfect crime... the best of both worlds, if only Enterprise can ever deliver an episode as great and legendary as Best of Both worlds truly was...

Y2kk Update: I've always considered myself to be a console RPG fan at heart... the only problem is, I haven't played many RPGs in my secular lifetime, now have I?... I only barely touched Final Fantasy 3/6, and I never went farther than the initial few stages... I mean, back then, I thought the Final Fantasy series would fail miserably in North America, so why bother putting up with its annoying battle system, right?... And as for other RPGs, I never really touched anything but the original Dragon Warrior, which still stands as my favourite RPG to this day. Which means I never tried Chrono Trigger, I never once tried the Namco Tales of Whatever series, I surely never even thought of touching the Phantasy Star or Shining Soul series as a Nintendo fanboy, and besides the Mario RPG series, I can't even think of any other RPG series at this time and day, as I'm really that oblique to whatever comes out of Japan... and yet the thing is... I still consider myself an RPG fan to this day, because whenever I do get an RPG in my hands, I love it so damn dearly, that I can never damn put the stupid game down. It happened with Dragon Warrior all those years ago, before I had even become a Nintendo fanboy. It happened with Mario RPG, even though I really hadn't touched an RPG beforehand since the NES days... it happened again with Paper Mario. And goddammit, as soon as I picked up Grandia II for the Dreamcast a year ago, I was hooked for life on that game... Sure, I didn't touch Grandia again after just a week of finishing it thoroughly through, but for that one week at least, I was a man possessed. And truth be told, I'm actually afraid of RPGs now! They seriously take away my life, no matter how bad they turn out to be, I shit you not!... well, except for Sega's Timestalkers, but there's always an exception to a rule... Because as stupidly annoying as the experience leveling in RPGs always turns out to be, I just can't get enough of getting my characters to the next damn level, even if it means the next damn failure on my next damn university mid-term exam, but I digress...

Which is why I got so damn scared when I finally saw Sega's / Overwork's Skies of Arcadia Legends for the Nintendo Gamecube at my favourite Torontonian video game store the other week... I mean, I've been searching for this game for dirt cheap everywhere, considering the Dreamcast version is almost impossible to find anymore except off of e-bay, and the Gamecube version normally retails here in Canada at $75 a pop... But here it was, after two years of searching... a single, perfect damn copy of Skies of Arcadia Legends, what some people still call the best damn RPG of this gaming generation, for just $50... and goddammit, I didn't have the money!... well, so to speak... I needed all the cash I had at that point to buy freakin' university books for third year engineering, and considering how damn mad my dad would get at me if he ever caught me with a video game instead of the latest textbook?... but goddammit, I wanted Skies of Arcadia so damn badly, if only as a collector's item, if only I could prevent myself from playing this game during mid-term season... And the thing is, there's a reason why I love that video game store downtown that I always go to. It's because the owners there are friendly, and they certainly know my face. And they could simply tell by my patented, puppied-eyed, "I've-really-got-to-pee" look, that I really, really, ridiculously wanted that copy of Skies of Arcadia... and I explained to them my dilemma... and the thing was, they were nice enough to reserve the game for me, actually. They told me I could pick it up a week later if I wanted to, after I had bought all my books. They were actually kind enough to me to sell the game to me, whom they hoped would be a loyal customer, rather than the next Joe blow-yourself Millionaire who steps off the streets and sees that the legendary Skies of Arcadia is on sale in mint condition... So what else could I do but sing my praises to them, and promise to return a week later?...

One week later... I went back to the store... and asked for my reserved copy of Skies of Arcadia... I then look over to the Gamecube section of the store while writhingly waiting, and what do I see with my little, green Gigas eye?... ummm... there was an even better condition copy of Skies of Arcadia, just sitting there on the shelf, with a stamp of $50 all over it... I asked how long that copy's been out to the viewing public, and apparently, nobody's wanted it for the entire week that I've been gone... and, ummm... Okay, I felt like an idiot.So what if I thought Skies of Arcadia would be the hottest commodity since Paperweight Rocks were pet toys! So sue me!... but it's not like I lost out in the end. I opted to get the even better condition Skies of Arcadia (which was absolutely new, except for being opened by the owner for something), and I got it all at what I hoped was a dirt cheap price, at least compared to the Canadian retail value... I finally had the greatest (and essentially, the only) Gamecube RPG in my two, bare little hands... and the only question was... "Was it worth the drive to Acton?"...

Dammit... even Canadians don't get that quote anymore... hell, I bet they don't even remember "967-11-11" anymore, but I digress...

Anyhew, Skies of Arcadia Legends definitely possessed me for the 51 or something hours it took me to beat the game, according to the timer on my saved file. Which means that I spent more time playing this game in a week and a half than I did studying and going to school combined... not that that says much in my case, mind you... The thing is though, Skies of Arcadia was a good game, but it didn't capture the same passion and Grenada, gratuitous gratitude in me as Grandia II did, or even Paper Mario. While I'm goddam pleased that there wasn't any cheesy acting as there was in Grandia, Arcadia lacked all voices for the characters for some odd reason, which works just fine for something traditional like the Zelda series, but somehow seems lacking in a modern RPG... Play mechanics wise, Skies of Arcadia was destined to be great. The combination of the SP meter and magic points may not be innovative, but considering I used Delta Epsilon Mirror all the time to survive in those dungeons, those two meters sure as hell added an element to battle that at least kept my eyes on how many of my guys were alive to recover back my levels... and although I will never understand why gamers loathed the epic traveling in Zelda: Wind Waker so much, I can dearly understand why these Zelda haters loved the traveling in Skies of Arcadia... to some extent... The thing is, the skies in Arcadia may be covered by ugly mountains and sky rifts in this game, but simply the ability to elevate yourself upwards and downwards in the freedom of the skies truly feels uplifting, no pun intended. And really fancy graphics weren't necessary for this overworld anyhew, considering the whole world is just so damn massive in the first place, that it feels so damn freeing. Sure, at first your travel is constricted by floating, stupid, illogical rocks in space and crap like that, but once you finally are able to explore, it actually is a hell of a lot of fun to simply watch the compass 24/7 as you try to beat Domingo in getting as many Discoveries as you can... But there are also drawbacks to the Skies of Arcadia overworld, and the biggest one in my opinion just has to be goddam random battles. This goes for dungeons too - I loved Grandia II not just because the battle system was innovative, but because it was a hell of a lot of fun to sneak up on visible enemies, or simply to avoid them if I wasn't in the mood... But honestly, I hated how I would literally fly two steps in the great vast outdoors in Skies of Arcadia, only to met by a bunch of stupid bad guys that really draw the fun out of going from place A to B. I've heard there are trinkets in the game that prevent random battles, and I know about the method you can use with your upgraded ship later on in the game, but that didn't stop my sanity from being slowly ebbed and etched away for the first forty or whatever hours of this damn game, apparently...

And the real problem was, maybe I would've liked random battles, if only the game battles were fun. While Grandia II had a nice counter system, and Mario RPG had a brilliant attack timing system, what does Arcadia have? Nothing that I know of. It's simply a run-of-the-mill, four-member party-based game, all lack of bells and strings and hyphens attached. So if you've never played an RPG, here's how the generic process goes: you heal with the girl or the wimp in the group, you use offensive/defensive magic or SP moves with the other girl in the group obviously, you guard with the second strongest character in your group, and you attack with your strongest. That will always get the job done in any generic RPG, and it certainly worked 99% of the times in this game... and God, were there ever a hell of a lot of times, all thanks to stupid, pointless, outdated random battles... I mean, except for when I had to earn a hell of a lot of money at one point, I never ever went around to dungeons or crap like that to willingly earn some experience points. But because I got lost so many times in this game and ended up facing big ass bad guys each step of the way, I ended the game at experience level 57 for my main three characters, which was more than enough to even make the last three bosses in the game seem like absolute wimps compared to my cannoning blade... I didn't intend to actually gain so many damn experience levels in this game. Hell, in Grandia II, I even went into the last stage bosses with less experience than I should've... But all because I always refuse to run away from battles, I ended up with an easy as hell finale to the game. And in a way, I'm not very pleased with all the above. Even my maxed out characters in Mario RPG had problems against Smithy, I shit you not... Although it may be hypocritical to blame Skies of Arcadia for easiness when I never once though it was a problem in Zelda: Wind Waker... that's probably because... ummm... I suck at Zelda, but nevermind...

But no RPG review would ever be complete without a really pathetic analysis of the game's plotline in hand, so here it comes, spoilers ahoy ahead... Now, like I mentioned before, I'm glad that the sheer suckiness of the "faith in the Enterprise heart" crap of Grandia II was avoided in this game, but honestly, whenever Vyse tried to cheer people up or give pearls of encouragement, it made my heart bleed in a very bad way, at just how damn cheesy his lines were... I didn't like Aika either, however her name is pronounced. She was simply in the background, so no personality there, but still, I have to give her some credit... she was simply unstoppable with her Delta Shield and Lamba Burst, if only I had learned of these two SP moves so much earlier in the game... I didn't like Captain Drachma either, as he was just a copycat of Captain Ahab, although the reference did work in this game. Though I didn't like how he left the party halfway through the game - I've never liked it when you're forced to lose a member of your party, as it really screws up the team chemistry and the fact that I put a hell of a lot of experience work into him... Now, Gilder or Glider or however you spell his name was cool as hell, if only because I loved his gun slinging SP moves. But he had no personality really, besides running away from Clara at least. And unfortunately for me, those scenes weren't as amusing as the writers' hoped they would be, I'm sure... And the villains? God, Admiral Galcian was just a pure joke. I was laughing my ass off when his SP moves were doing almost no damage to my level 55 or something characters at the time, and besides that? Plot-wise, he wasn't the real focus of the game. Ramirez was... and God, was he cheesy. First of all, I couldn't damn believe how long it took him just to kill my characters when he was trying to steal the five crystals. I mean, I figured you couldn't beat him, so I just let my characters get hit and die... the only problem was, his damn SP moves took forever to get the job done! I literally sat there for half an hour, without healing, as he did nothing but sit there himself and gloat about how great he is... And God, was his grieving of Galcian annoying as hell! It seemed like he would never stop pounding the ground as he would Galcian's ass... Hell, the whole final battle arc of the Silver Gigas and everything was just of no consequence in the end. My ship took Zelos out without much trouble (thanks to the all-too-powerful Sacrulen spell), and then what the fuck happens? A mutated Ramirez comes back for another asskicking and couldn't even take half off of my Vyse's HP power?...

But there were a few points about the plot that I did love. First of all, the innocence in Fina's eyes was cute as hell. She was endearing, even if her lines were cheesy. And besides, the mighty morphing Cupil was adorable too, not to mention the fact that Fina sounded horny as hell whenever you focused with her in battle... Enrique had his moments as well, although the voice they chose for him completely did not match his body. As a prince, his lines were destined to be of cheesy consequence, so it didn't really matter to me just how much he blabbed about Valua. In the end, I still thank him for stealing for me the Delphinus and crap like that. Surprises like that sure as hell made my day and made this game... For the bad guy side, the only character I liked was Belleza, if only because I love a woman who can kick my ass in a ship full of seamen... The only problem was, she has weapons on the Lynx, right? So why the hell did she have to ram the Hydra's escape pod in the end? I guess she just wanted to die for supporting him in the first place, but still... and, well... The main story arc of Skies of Arcadia wasn't very good at all. Although I admit the Roman Coliseum was put to good interpretation, along with the division between the rich and poor, Valua was simply too much of a cliche evil empire to be taken seriously, as you can almost see the word "America" painted on the queen's forehead or some crap like that... And the basic storyline of the ancients just didn't keep me invested whatsoever, even when the Silvites explained the history of the world and just how damn Dr. Evil evil they truly are. Arcadia was loosely based on the tales of Atlantis, so I've heard and seen it all before in writing. And thus, except for the sense of discovery when it comes to rather interesting Discoveries, and the coolness factor of flying around a round world (which I half wish was done in Zelda: Wind Waker), nothing really felt new... Except for what perhaps was new in the game. You see, I don't really know what was added in Skies of Arcadia Legends from the original exactly, but I heard that the Piastol, Moonfish, and Bounties sidequests were nowhere to be found on the Dreamcast. And sadly for the DC (but great for me in the end), the best parts of the plot definitely came from these new sidequests in the game, as they actually provided backstory to characters that seemed so damn blank in the main story arc (although was it me, or did Ramirez just a bit overrreact to a little, white lie?...). Just like I still wonder with Ryo Hazuki, I did wonder right off the bat why Vyse had that scar on his face, and I definitely did listen up when the Piastol story revealed, reviewed and revised the Vyse... The moonfish rewards that I got were better than most items I could buy, so happy days for me there, and just finding the moonfish and feeding the damn Pokemon thing were both easy and dedicating enough to be rewarding as well. And when the backstory of Ramirez and Doc all coincided with Piastol's in the end? C'mon, you know me, the no-name writer... I just love it when two seemingly disjointed storylines all merge together into one, happy-days-family in the fat ass end, so obviously I would love all these little additions to the Vyse backstory plotline...

And as for the bounties? They were the only things that genuinely made me laugh in the game, for reasons that were intended. I loved the fact that Rupee was a kid. I loved Fina's comments when the Iwa-whatever demons boarded my ship. And the Vize Imposter guy? Greatest concept to come along in a long time, although I'm sure it's already been done to death in other games, but still... And honestly, while most battles in Arcadia sucked ass from sheer randomness and laziness, I loved almost every single Bounty battle, if only because of how damn hard they were for me to just goddam beat with a bloody ugly stick. I mean, I only had the Risen spell at the time with no crystals, so it literally took me all goddam night long to beat Rupee and whatever his accomplish was called, because their damn SP moves would kill off my characters with one single hit, even when I guarded, and I really had no surefire way to revive whoever did die (I was only at level 15 experience at the time). Sure, I was pissed off as hell when I finally learned the Riselem spell just one dungeon later after I beat those two carpet losers, but nothing could take away from the fact that I loved the fact that they were a challenge... The Iwa-whatever demons were hard as well, especially considering I found Piastol easy and thought the game designers had just made all the girls in this game wimps. Their Chak Moi or whatever move would kill Fina in just one hit while dangerously hurting all the rest, and without her, it was hard to revive anyone else who later would die... But while Rupee provided the hardest battle for me, definitely the most memorable was the Vize and Imposters fight. Because goddammit, while Fiana or whatever her name was went down without much of a fight, Anita with her stupid, slap ass Anita Burst just kept on killing me! And what the fuck was up with Vize? Is he a woman beater or something, because he just kept using his damn Cutlass Wrath on only Fina and Aika, who of course I needed to keep Vyse and Enrique alive... Now, although it took me about 15 tries to beat Rupee and only 3 to beat Vyse (I beat the demons on the first try, though with much difficulty), I must admit that I savoured the Vyse battle just as much as the former, if only because he killed my team for the first time ever since I found both the Riselem spell and Enrique's Shield of Justice... how he plowed through both of those with ease, along with Aika's Delta Shield, I may never know...

But honestly, there was one thing and one thing alone that made this game stand out as something great to me... As a Star Trek fan, is it even hard to fathom that I loved this game for the Delphinus alone and all the ship battles?... now, although the only hard ship battle for me was against the Lynx (thanks to the Red Gigas leaving me in a pile of dust come Belleza time), I must admit that I loved almost every single sky battle in the game, no matter the difficulty. Now, after the Lynx, every battle was a disappointment in terms of challenge. DeLoco never even took off a third of my power in any of our encounters, the Green Gigas started shaking his head as if he needed an aspirin before even half of my power was gone, Bluheim the Blue Gigas telegraphed its moves so damn much that I always managed to guard in time and never had to heal, the Yellow Gigas was a joke thanks to my experience levels by that time, and even Zelos was not much of a challenge, considering I had enough SP thanks to Urala or someone in my crew to heal myself with Sacrulen every single damn time that stupid Death Star wannabe got the upperhand... But even though most sky battles were easy, others were memorable, if only for surprising me at times. Besides the Lynx, the only other ship I had trouble with was Vigoro's. As a man, I had to fight honourably, so I simply refused to heal my ship, even though his Draco Cannon was just about to kill me before I finished him off with the trusty Moon Stone Cannon... Admiral Gregoro wasn't hard in the end, but I was sure as hell impressed with him after he rammed my ship in with his hull. Challenge isn't the only thing that makes a memorable battle - sometimes, originality comes into play as well... And the Hydra? Considering how large it was, it was a wimp. But the Hydra Cannon spooked me to hell the first time it engulfed me... until I realized I had the Sacrulen spell and then wiped the floor with Galcian, but I digress... And by the end of the game, I was screaming at the ending, because I loved the Delphinus in this game so damn much. It was my ship, it was my crew - I had spent all my goddam exam study time just finding for it its full damn, compliment of crew. And I was damn pissed off when Vyse no longer had my ship at the end of the ending... and along with the fact that the ending was nothing more than a few snippets of info about my crew and their futures, I was so damn pissed that I goddam lost the Delphinus in the absolute crappiest RPG ending I have ever seen in my life!... although pirate Fina was cute, but I digress... end spoilers, I guess...

All in all, Skies of Arcadia took away my life for a week... 51 hours of my life, to be exact... But possibly because its graphics were simply too outdated for the Gamecube's day and age, or possibly because I hate random battles, or possibly even because I hated the generic battle system in this game along with the sheer blandness of its RPG-linear dungeons, I simply cannot say that Skies of Arcadia is as great of a game as all those fans on the forums seem to think it is... Usually, an RPG has at least a couple of locations that peak my interest, like the chapels did in Grandia II, but what does Skies of Arcadia have? While the Eastern continent nicely reminded me of home, every other place in the world felt nothing more than flat, like their occupants believed the world was aptly shaped... And what about the music in this game? First of all, the sounds felt just as flat as most the Spanish sounding towns in the overworld, probably thanks to the compression of a 2 CD game onto one GCD. But still, besides Esparanza or Bananarama or however you spell that town, I can't remember a single tune in the game that stuck in my head, except for the sky battle melody that just creeps into your head from being played so many damn times like a goddam nympho on a flute... and like I mentioned before, I was severely disappointed near the end of the game, at not just how easy the damn game was, but because except for the final dungeon itself, the game felt damn rushed. The dungeons became even more linear than they were before, and the plotline just seemed to speed away after certain key events, as if the game designers knew that there was no development time to waste...

But still... there are reasons why I lost myself in this game, besides the fact that it's an RPG... I admit, I loved the sense of freedom and discovery that you have in this game, simply from the sight of your ship rocking up and down hard in the skies with two girls on board... And I admit, the sidequests in this game were simple enough to easily get started on, but also addicting enough to keep me, well... addicted... and the ship battles were cool as hell. The possible combination of torpedoes, secondary cannons, and superweapon blasts, all in the same turn, still has me shaking in my boot of anticipation to this day... And I appreciate the fact that Sega and Overworks have made an innovative RPG, not in terms of battle, but it terms of the little things in life you treasure, like the fact your airship plays such an integral part in boss battles. And hell, I appreciate the fact that in my terms and in my timeline at least, Sega is sure as hell on a roll... Before this year, I could not even name you a single Sega game that I've played that I liked, even after playing the Master System and Genesis all the time outside of my house, and even after owning forty games for the Dreamcast. But just from this year alone, while Shenmue II tops the list, I've fallen in love with Shenmue, with F-zero GX (if you can count that as a Sega game), and as of now, Skies of Arcadia Legends... it may not be the greatest and most daring RPG or even the newest kid on the block. But it definitely will take your breath away... or if not, at least it'll take your life away. That much is certain, at least when it comes RPG wannabe fans like me...

And that's the bloody hell, paradox of a thing, actually... I was scared buying this game, that it would royally screw me over for the mid-term season, so I tried beating the game as bloody hell as quickly as possible... and I did... Area 51 hours is quick, I think... but not before going through my first mid-term in the process... and, umm... the thing is... I just saw it with my own eyes the other day... I couldn't believe it... my test paper, I mean... and it's official... for the first ever time since bloody hell High School, I have officially gotten a 90% on a major test or exam... and, umm... the thing is... Skies of Arcadia may have taken my life away for a week and a half. But it definitely did set me as free as a bird, in more ways than one... and for that alone, and for the fact alone that its a bloody hell RPG, it deserves my praise and respect... and my obsession apparently, but I digress...

Y2kk Update: It was kind of sweet, actually... and kind of nerve-wracking as well, considering I never get calls from girls... Now, it's not what you think, especially considering it's not what I was hoping for either. It's just that, my brother's birthday was coming up at the time, and one of his friends called so that I could do my part in her precious little surprise for him... isn't that sweet?... well, sort of... The thing is, my brother has been frothing at the mouth - quite literally actually - for the 2004 incarnation of EA Sports' NHL hockey series since he bought NHL 2003 the first day it came out. And considering my brother hasn't exactly kept his passion for the EA NHL series a secret amongst the Greater Toronto region or whatever kind of crap, I wasn't really surprised when one of his close friends from university called me a couple weeks ago, to get me to stall my brother from getting the game, so that his friends could get it for him...

And awwwh, shucks, how sweet, right?... and the end result was sweeter than Sweet Home Alabama, I guess. My brother never knew what was coming when he was handed NHL 2004, just minutes before he was going to leave to buy it. So all in all, he was happy, and I was happy that he was happy, right?... well, sort of... The problem was, I was given the assignment of making sure my brother didn't pick up the game first day. And considering there was an one week gap between the game's release date and his birthday, I quite honestly took a lot of unwarranted abuse from my brother in the process of progress, whenever I kept making up lame excuses as to why he shouldn't buy the game and crap like that. I told him to wait until it was cheaper or something. I told him that he can't have NHL hanging around when he has second year university or whatnot (not that that excuse ever works on me, of course). I even told him that I'd buy the game for him considering he was strapped for cash... but I'd buy it only on the day of his birthday... and although my brother claimed several times that I was being a pain in the ass, considering he had no clue whatsoever that I was trying to help his friends, I guess it all worked out in the end... because my brother got his precious NHL 2004 for free. And I?... well...

The thing is, my brother wanted NHL 2004 for sure. That was without question... the only thing is, he doesn't feel like bringing his Xbox to residence, if only because the only TV in his dorm suite belongs to somebody else who would end up playing his Xbox more than he ever would... So in the end, he left the Xbox here, at home, and he left NHL 2004 with it, to play with his buds whenever he gets back... and, umm... that means... umm... It's his game, without question. And it was a gift for his birthday from his friends, no doot aboot it... but, umm... although I feel half guilty for saying this, I... ummm... as far as I'm concerned, those two weeks of pain and punishment from my poor, beguiled brother, was all worth it... because the only one in the family playing the EA NHL series right now... is me... yours truly... I may suck at it, but's it's all mine... my precious...

But is that necessarily a good thing? That's the real question I still have on my mind... the thing is, my brother was frappacinno frothing at the mouth for one reason and one reason only: all he wanted, was NHL 2003 with better graphics, better manual deking, and updated rosters. That's all... and in a sick sixth sense, that's all I wanted as well... As he would say, we're both EA Sports corporate conglomerate, whipping boy slaves... We're the guys that condescending, internet forum wisecrackers keep mocking for being so damn stupid for paying $60 of our hard earned money just for updated rosters each and every sports year... But there's a reason why my brother and I wanted NHL 2004 to be almost exactly like NHL 2003: because we've loved the EA Sports smashmouth, arcade-like system ever since we first picked it up in NHL '94 (although I wasn't a fan of NHL '92 or '93 before that, if only because there were no one-timers or Dougie G on the Leafs...). If it ain't broken, don't fix it. And the NHL series is by no means a broken record... Though yes, I know... although it was plainly obvious that NHL 2003 wasn't the most perfect hockey game around, I will honestly and earnestly say that my brother and I had more fun with it than about 99% of the games on the market today, yesterday, and probably in the hereafter tomorrow... or maybe even the afterlife... I loved all the massive hitting, especially after the whistle. I loved all the one timers and crazy dekes you could do with just one finger. I loved the fact that you could just speed across the rink in just a couple of seconds, and skate backwards all the way back into your own zone before your opponents can ever get the damn puck on a shoot in. And hell, even I liked the horrid announcing in that game, as painful of a brunt that it was to bear... Because I didn't care what any damn critics said about the series getting stale. I loved my EA Sports NHL 2003 just the way it was. I didn't want it to change, and neither did my brother.

Which is why we were given such a damn shock when we first tried NHL 2004, only to find that... well... uggh... it played more like Sega's NHL 2K3 (which we hated by the way... except for all those crazy types of mind-numbing shoulder checks...) than it ever resembles any previous incarnation of the NHL series... I mean, when EA Sports hired the Vancouver team that did Sega's NHL 2K, I got worried a bit, considering the last thing I wanted to happen to the NHL series was for it go simulation on my arse... But after all the glowing previews from all the critics who had played the game at E3, I started getting cocky, and hell, I even started getting Cockney, with the idea that maybe, just maybe, the EA NHL series would stay just as addicting as it's always been to me, while adding new features to compete against Sega's rising ESPN series...

But God, was I an idiot, for actually believing the critics!... for believing the same damn critics who curse and bark at every damn NHL game that's arrived from EA in the past... Because goddammit, critics don't care for fun games anymore it seems. They only care for innovation. They only care for the New Kids on the Block, while they were still new... They only goddam give good marks to games that feel new and fresh. And yes, I do the same. I only give top marks on this site to games that get top marks, but at least I admit when they're fun, as I did with NHL 2003... And goddammit, why the hell did I believe the critics, knowing all this, when all I ever wanted in my NHL games was the same damn game I've had since 1994?... the thing is, in NHL 2004, I was disgusted by how damn slow the whole game felt, even at near maximum gameplay speed. I was horrified by how awful the passing system has been redone, even with passing assist near full foobar. I was petrified by how damn Sega-like the goddam shooting in this game has become. I mean, one timers are sometimes harder to score with than damn slapshots from the point in this game, which is as anti-EA-like as I ever could've imagined. And goddammit, even the sound of pucks rebounding off goalie pads in this game is the same damn, exact sound that I hated from the NHL 2K series on the Dreamcast... And checking? Oh my God, the checking? Except for boarding, I can't honestly believe that the checking in an EA sports hockey title has been dummed down to the point where poke checking is almost goddam favoured. I mean, sure bruise control becomes quite a powerful ally once you get the hang of it, but where's the beloved NHL '94 feel where you simply speed up to bullet train speeds until you ram your stick through your opponent's arse, no matter where he may be on the ice?... And the manual deke? Although I never liked manual deking in the first place, I sure as hell know that my brother loved it in last year's game. But in NHL 2004? God, thanks to the changes in the dual analog controls, my brother can barely deke past the computer anymore on even medium difficulty, although for some reason, he can do it on difficult... And Jesus! Or Jebus, or however you want to goddam spell it! Even the announcing in this game feels so much damn more boring than it did last year. Sure, the colour commentary in NHL 2003 was embarrassing, but at least all the groaning I did kept me awake, which is more than I can say for this year's new announcing team... The damn thing is, almost everything was changed from NHL 2003 to NHL 2004, even the camera angles it seems (which are now oddly too distant to be of any use). And although video game fans who never touch sports games, simply because they're not revolutionary enough like art or whatever kind of crap, can cheer all they want that EA is finally putting some innovation into their video games, I for one am shamelessly embarrassed that EA Sports actually felt the need to compete with Sega in terms of how damn realistic their sports games can be... All because EA's Madden sold better after both online and more realistic aspects were added to the mix, doesn't mean I want the same damn things to happen to the sports games that I actually do play. If I wanted a simulation game, I would've went to Sega... but as both NHL 2004 and the new NHL Hitz Pro have demonstrated, competition is not always a good thing... it sometimes leads to what the minority wants, not what I want... when it ruins my dreams of nostalgia, at least...

But not all is doom and gloom from the little man, IvanF, at least. Because as pissed off as I still am that NHL 2004 is nothing like the past ten years of hockey games from EA, I will completely admit that I've grown to like, and possibly even love, the new "realistic" game that's been made. For one thing, fighting is now actually fun, as the final blow in a longwinded, gladitory battle now gives me the same kind of satisfaction as an overtime win did in NHL 94... The dynasty mode has me hooked as I expected it would, as I've become obsessed with playing every single game in the seasons to make sure I earn as many GM experience points as possible, even though I got sick of having 2-1 games all the damn time long time ago... And even though I now cringe whenever I always get the goddam puck stolen off of me (even though I always could blow past 3 defenders at once in NHL 2003 with just Mogilny or someone), I must admit that the AI in NHL 2004 is a lot more fun to wipe the floor with than in any NHL game beforehand. Considering the only surefire way to score in this game is with a close wrap-around (and the only other ways to score are really good one-timers and slapshot pure luck), I really do feel invigorated whenever I beat the computer in a close game, if only because this game now actually serves a purpose in challenge (although the game is strangely easier on Difficult than it is on Medium... go figure...). And lastly, the game is a hell of a lot of fun, perhaps even more than NHL 2003, when it comes to multiplayer games. While in NHL 2003, I could win with just one timers, and my brother could win with just manual deking, we've now been forced to play against each with actual hockey techniques, like dumping the puck and setting up on powerplays. Although I doubt I'll ever like that pinning on boards crap from NHL2K3 that's now found it's way into EA territory, and although I seriously don't get why they removed backwards skating from defencemen, I must still admit that using some technique and strategy in an NHL game for once is actually quite refreshing as the critics acclaimed... I just wished they didn't change the whole game at once, that's all...

To be frank, I've fallen in love with NHL 2004. And I've fallen in love with the fact that I've essentially gotten the game for free, albeit with some language languish and anguish on behalf of brotherly miscommunication and misinformation over ICQ... but in the grand scheme of things, considering how much of a Leafs fan I am (although I pale in comparison with most other people in town), NHL 2004 simply doesn't rank high on my list of hockey games. On the top of that list is NHL '94, which can simply not be tip topped, no matter how good a game may be, unless it has Dougie G with a 127 point season in it or some crap like that... Second would either come NHL '95 or NHL '97 for the computer, as both managed to exceed their Genesis and SNES brethren in every way. And third would be my beloved NHL 2003... for providing me with more fun than even my precious, precarious Zelda did at times (well, maybe more than the worst parts of Wind Waker only, but that's it... and I digress). And after NHL 2003 and NHL 2000, and way before NHL 2K2 and 2K3 (even ESPN hockey on the SNES beats the latter in my opinion...), will finally come NHL 2004... for showing a lot of promise. For showing a lot of potential... but still... I can only hope that EA Sports hires a good coaching staff in their real dynasty mode at least. Because I'll be seriously disappointed, as hypocritical as this may sound, if the NHL series doesn't change, evolve, and innovative from here on in, at least... The series wasn't broken before. But though I may sound like a broken record in saying this, it sure as hell is bruised and bandaged now...

Anyhew, I've already wasted enough time on Xbox reviews that nobody will ever read... So out of pure boredom, I think I'll start a new trend: the IvanFian Smallville week in review. And here's a tip... unlike all my other reviews, I'll keep the review real small, considering I've hated Smallville since the very first episode I saw (early second season, I think)... so without further adieu, here is the first ever 'IvanFian small Smallville week in review' review:...

... and you can quote me on that... but in more serious news, the season premiere of Angel aired this week. And the thing was, maybe I've been blinded my nostalgia or something, but the great writing that defined such fourth season episodes as Soulless, Orpheus, and Home, somehow seemed... well... soulless, in the season premiere of yesterday. I mean, sure each character had their respective, respectable lines. Wesley got to get jealous of everyone's favourite vampire-psychologist-turned-human-plague-sociopath, but besides that? All he got to do was wield a gun... and it wasn't even his beloved shotgun! If anyone can manage to get a shotgun into a court room, it's Wesley... but he didn't this time. Where's the love? Where's the Feng Shui (which by the way, was probably the best joke of the episode to me, considering I'm Chinese and sick of that mystical shit...)?... Gunn had his moment to shine, figuratively at least. In previous seasons, he glowed thanks to the lights gleaming off his bald head. But now that he has hair? I don't know, something just wasn't right with him... and I know that was the point, considering he just Matrix downloaded a bunch of law stuff into his brain. And considering his brawn just became Wolfram and Hart brains, but still... his own lines just weren't up to his usual snuff, I say. Although I guess he hasn't really had any memorable moments since he last punched out Wes last season... Lorne was hilarious as always. But is it me, or did he have much better parts in episodes before he become a series regular? I mean, I may have loved his comments about Mary Kate and Ashley, and the singing-signup-sheet-for-evildoers was pure comical gold. But these days, it just feels like he gets tacked onto episodes or something simply because he is a regular, sort of like Dawn was always just there in Buffy the Vampire Slayer... although I can't really complain about Lorne, now can I? Everyone loves Lorne, except if they hate jello and puppies (grr... argghh... I hate puppies...)... And Fred? Well, she was meant to have some really significant lines. And I did laugh at a few of them, although I'm not sure whether I chuckled more from her little phone entrance or that god-awful poster of the Dixie Chicks in the science lab background... The thing is though, she was given really commanding lines to shout out at her little troop of workers. She even had a whole speech, outlining that she's the boss or some crap like that. But c'mon really... although I'd love if someone that vixen beautiful bossed me around in a lab, the truth of the matter is, she simply didn't have the kind of conviction she needed in her voice. She felt hollow really... although trust me. If she ever asked, I would fill her up in a heartbeat, if you know what I mean...

Angel, besides his awful looking hair, definitely had his moments. The looks on his face when Wolfram and Hart showed up after his maiden rescue, and when he was staring in disbelief at the phone from hell, were both cheesy faces as hell. But they were effective, nevertheless... And his chemistry with Harmony was great, especially the twinge on his lips when he learned of the secret ingredient of Otter, even though I felt like Harmony had too many lines to stay interesting... He also had some decent moments with Eve, who would've looked hot as hell to me if only she didn't look like an Alias to Jennifer Garner or some clone crap like that... And my favourite moments of the episode by far? First, it was definitely the guyness in Angel's expression when he saw all the cars. Last year in Home, it was about HDTV. And this year? Well, I would've picked the black car on the left for sure, but he's an old timer, so I'll forgive his taste... and secondly, was the death of the Wolfram and Hart commando team leader brutal or what? I mean, it already seemed like Angel went evil around Home or something, messing with his son's head through magic. But honestly, he kicked a man's shotgun right into his face! I mean, even as Angelus, he didn't do that to shotgun Wes. It's like Old Man Kent whooping on Whoopi. Wasupwidat?... Overall, <insert episode name here since I for some odd reason can't remember it> was a decent premiere effort, but it seemed to have inherited the blankness and hollowness that blanketed the Buffy writers from season five and on. Either that, or it was simply too much of an introductory episode, with nothing really going on... The only thing that was really worthwhile to watch in those Buffy seasons though (besides the trio that I loved but everyone else loathed) was the coolness factor of Spike... and what do you know? Blondie bear is back! I mean, hell, he didn't even have any lines in <insert episode name here>, and I was already balling from laughing from the reactions to his mere entrance... Spike truly is Mutant Enemy God... or the mutant enemy of a god or some crap like that. I can never decipher which...

But while Angel disappointed me a bit with its season premiere, it was definitely made up for with Rajin, this week's episode of Enterprise. I mean, sure the critics can pander the series for its sleezy cheesiness all they want, but I personally love how the writers are showing no fear when it comes to... well, being sleezy slinky, actually... Hell, it's obvious from this episode what's going to happen between Trip and T'Pol for the rest of the season, considering T'Pol's emotions probably got all thrown out of wack from everyone's favourite trojan horse (who doesn't use Trojan condoms, thank you very much)... Now, I've already read some scathing reviews of just how damn dumb this episode of Enterprise was in terms of sexcapades, but goddamit, I don't care! How in the hell can critics possibly say that lesbian mind control through alien sex craft can possibly be bad for any series, I may never know?... because goddammit, yes, I know Smallville kicked Enterprise's ass in ratings last night, but do I give a damn? Hell no. All I've ever wanted to see in a show, was one girl feeling up another against her will... I hate to use the word rape, considering how damn offensive it is to most women, but I'd be damn lying if I didn't say lesbian rape by making-the-girl-as-horny-as-possible-until-they're-begging-to-be-raped, didn't turn me the hell on... I'll always remember one moment in high school, when someone asked my crush whether all guys get turned on by lesbianism. My obsession at the time widened her eyes to the widest point I've ever seen, as if she was saying, "Are you ****ing retarded? Of course they get turned on, like rabbits on light switches!" (or as if she was turned on by lesbianism too or some mushu crap like that)... and the thing was, although I wouldn't have put it into those words (although I just did I guess), I knew in my heart back then that at least for me, she was telling the truth. Because when I saw last night just how damn happy Hoshi got from getting so goddam hottie horny?.. God, I had this sick, sly dog smile on my face for the rest of the night... hell, even T'Pol getting feeled up half naked couldn't compare to the idea of Hoshi going up and down in an elevator, I prematurely shit you not...

But yes, I know. I'm sick. So help me God... but I'm only telling the truth. That's my job here. To tell my truth. And the rest of the truth?... well, I'd be lying if I said Rajin was a great episode for anything besides its lesbos merits, but it definitely does stand on its two feet. I've always liked the idea of a trojan spy, and the idea worked pretty well with the firefight in the end, as I was almost as interested in the MACOs getting their asses whooped by superstrong Xindi as I was with the Borg walking really, really, ridiculously damn slowly around Enterprise last season. It's just too bad that while the Reptilian Xindi look better than ever, the bug species still looks like crap, and the set of the alien market looked like something right out of that horrible TNG Farpoint pilot episode or some crap like that... As for the characters, Trip was great as ever, getting his head bashed in by a girl... he always gets to be so damn lucky... Hoshi I've already mentioned, she being ambiguously gay - I mean, happy and all... Mayweather was there, I think. Once again, nothing out of the ordinary... Reed got to fire a few weapon blasts. But he didn't even get to toss a stun grenade, nor were his bits and parts scanned, so I know he wasn't satisfied... T'Pol got the worst end of the sexy sleeze stick I think, but I really do think she and Tucker make quite an item, as they have been since Broken Bow... Phlox didn't get to say much, but I remember the comment about Rajin's eyes. And he certainly did have his Denobulan charm when was scolding Archer for scratching at his alien scars... and Archer himself? He didn't get to play as commanding of a performance as he did in Anomaly, but he put up a good fight nevertheless. He looked both strong and weak at the same time, winning Rajin in a street fight one moment, and helpless to stop the Xindi the next. I can't say he ushered any momentous lines though, considering he looked confused as hell during the dinner scene. His acting confusion definitely worked a nice cold fusion with his night of scratching at least, but I digress...

The critics can rip Rajin apart all they want, but I really couldn't give a damn. The episode showed more than enough potential to keep my hopes up for the rest of the season. There's now a running arc for perhaps the first decent Star Trek romance since Riker and Troi (and no, I didn't like any of the relationships in DS9). There's a running arc where Archer is loosing his humanity ever so slowly, even if it means a lot of scratching to get there... There's a running arc where Enterprise is still simply no match for the Xindi, let alone all the anomalies tearing apart their ship. And there's running arcs for Malcolm, Mayweather, and possibly lesbian Hoshi, such as... ummm... okay, the last stuff I said wasn't true, but everything else is. And really, this is what the critics demanded for last year, isn't it? Continuity, outside of the Q continuum You never would've seen lingering scars from an alien spore infiltration on Voyager or even DS9, although nothing can match the psychological damage done by the Borg to Picard... And really, when was the last time Star Trek had a character as cool as the mad chemist alien, who reminded me a little too much of the mad scientist from Lilo and Stitch, actually, but that's besides the point... Rajin represented almost everything I like about Enterprise, including, yes, the lesbian touchy-feely scenes. Critics can spout all the arcane principles they want, but I know what I like... I know what works for me... the only thing I am afraid of, is whether Enterprise will be canceled before its fourth season or not... because I know sleeze can only sell for sneezes at a time...

So here's hoping... and here's to EA dynasty mode coaching potential or some crap like that... I love you Enterprise... beat up Old Man Kent for me, and come home...

[c. visitors too bored to return...]
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