An IvanF, IVT, No-Name Whiner, HomePage Production... October 2005: IvanF's No-Name Brand Website...

- NoName.Mycrowsoft.com - "Where do you want to Crow today?"

- Tweakui.Mycrowsoft.com (IvanF's Software Tweaks and Dweaks for PCs) - ( Mirror )
- Download.Mycrowsoft.com (PowerVR, Matrox, S3, nVidia Hardware News) - ( Mirror )
- Office.Mycrowsoft.com (Archived Webpages from Past IvanF Updates) - ( Mirror )
- MSN.Mycrowsoft.com (ATI, 3dfx, Intel, AMD, Via, ALi, SiS Hardware News) -
- Support.Mycrowsoft.com (IvanF's No-Name High School Online Courses and Projects) -
- Cows.Mycrowsoft.com - IvanF.Mycrowsoft.com - Development.Mycrowsoft.com -

- Welcome to IvanF's IVT No-Name Brand Website -
- boring everyone who comes online since May 5th, 2002 -

Y2kk Update: - Ubisoft's / Crytek Studios' Far Cry Instincts Microsoft Xbox Review (Spoilers...) -

Far Cry for the PC was lauded as one of the best first person shooters ever made. The graphics simply blew away the competition, the sound scheme was immersive as hell, and the game itself had the kind of AI ingenuity to it, to make it an instant classic to critics seemingly everywhere...

... and a goddam far cry from ever being considered one of the greatest games known to man...

When I first heard that Ubisoft was porting the game over to the Xbox? I simply shrugged my shoulders in complete disinterest... I had beaten the game on the PC before, found it to be nothing more than a pile of generic beetle dung shit on my computer, and had way more important games to get for my consoles anyhew...

That's when I was informed that it wasn't just a straight port going to the Xbox... Far Cry Instincts was to be a complete retelling of the story in the original, as a sort of a goddam apology from Ubisoft, for making me waste $10 on the PC version of their fucking shit earlier in the year...

Now, make no mistake. I can now honestly say that Far Cry Instincts is by far the better game than the original...

It's just that, it wasn't nearly as good as I was expecting, considering that the critics were at it yet again with their unanimous, Ubisoft applause and praise...

Far Cry Instincts introduces a whole host of feral abilities that your character, Jack Carver, receives after one of those Doom-movie like injections. It reawakens ancient African abilities long lost to the annals of time, making him into basically a ghetto version of the X-men's Wolverine, without the patented claws that is...

I have to admit though, that I do like the animalistic concept of it all. Take the feral scent ability for instance, as the effect of fucking yellow body odour streaking down the path that a mercenary walked through, is probably one of the coolest effects I've seen in a FPS game since Halo...

And the controls for the feral abilities are simple and smart as hell. You tap Y to initialize superspeed, and tap it again to turn it off... To turn all your other abilities on, you simply hold Y to toggle them on and off. While it may sound conflicting at the start, you soon learn to manage your feral abilities with perfect precision when it comes to the system Ubisoft has implemented (and it was nice to see the Beyond Good and Evil 360 input menu return as well)...

The only problem was, with the lone exception of the scent tracking? The feral abilities sucked ass...

Now, I admit that I liked how Ubisoft added in a regeneration mode, as your body quickly heals just like Wolverine's. The only problem is, healing requires your adrenaline meter to still be filled near the max, or else your health barely increases at all... Meaning what? Meaning, what's the point of using your goddam abilities if it just makes you weaker in combat in the goddam end?...

What's the point of night vision, when I can just turn up the brightness on my TV (which I sadly do)? What's the point of super-jumping, when it just overcomplicates the level design into being a bad, confusing rip-off of Metroid Prime? What's even the point of the scent ability, when the fucking, magical radar on your bottom left can see everything clearer than your abilities ever can?... And really, while some people do love the satisfaction of nailing a merc 20 feet high into a tree using a feral attack? I just came to hate the fact that so often I forgot throughout the game, that a lot of doors won't fucking open for you unless you fucking punch them first...

Ubisoft has done it again with their fucking obsession with modern day stealth in video games... First, they screwed the video gaming industry over with the repetitive bore fest that became known as the Splinter Cell series. And now they've done it again with all the crap they've put into Far Cry Instincts...

The thing is, I know a lot of gamers out there love setting up branch traps, and then tossing little rocks at foes as bait. And I know that a lot of critics complimented the claymores near the end of the game as well, as I suppose it was satisfying as hell to watch a moronic merc just step on a fucking mine...

But really, I just found all this shit pointless. What was the point of setting traps at all, when I could just gun everyone down in one tenth the time using dual wielded Uzi's? Or even better yet, dual fucking wielded P90s?...

Yeah, the point of Far Cry Instincts was to basically bring to life everything that guys like me loved about the movie Predator. And I admit that the surreal atmospheric mood that's set by the scent tracking ability, probably is the closest we've ever gotten to a true Predator game... And yes, I do love all the use of rain-forestry and mick foliage throughout the course of the game. Not only is the grass absolutely breathtaking at times graphical wise, but it really does make you feel like a hunter stalking your prey...

Until you get bored that is, just stand the fuck up, and just shoot the fuck out of everyone on screen, Rambo style...

There just isn't any point to stealth in Far Cry Instincts. And there just isn't any point to goddam feral abilities in the end either...

Yeah, I know the critics lauded the AI in the PC version of Far Cry, for having teamwork and whatsoever sort of crap (though I personally just found them to be both cheap and cheaters, sniping me off perfectly while I'm hidden in the grass, always knowing exactly where I was as soon as even one merc hears a fucking sound...).

But believe it or not, that same AI is completely missing in action in Far Cry Instincts. The only thing even remotely resembling intelligence in Far Cry Instincts, is the fact that once a merc calls for backup, more fucking enemies just seem to magically appear out of thin air (literally, as randomly appearing dots showing up on your radar). WTF?...

Besides that, the auto-aiming in Far Cry Instincts is just too good... It's like Crytek Studios couldn't make up their mind between mouse-like accuracy and goddam Goldeneye auto-aiming, so they did something that merged the two. As for some damn reason, it's so goddam easy to get headshots from 100 yards away with dual fucking P90s in the game (while an enemy is behind cover, no less), yet mercenaries at point blank range seem to take dozens of bullets before ever going down. WTF?... Up close, the game does body shots. Far away from your position though, it gives you instant Uzi headshots on snipers camped high on fucking guard towers. I say again, WTF?...

I literally just ran through Far Cry Instincts without using any other weapon than dual machine guns. There wasn't even a point to the sniper rifle or missile launcher, as the auto-aim was more accurate and caused more splash damage with dual wielding than either of those weapons... WTF?...

Yet with all that said though? I'll still readily admit that Far Cry Instincts is still one of the better first person shooters out there on the Xbox...

The graphics are just jaw-dropping, even when pitted in side-by-side comparisons with its PC predecessor... Sure, the water effects aren't nearly as pretty as they were before, but they still look goddam inspiring as you're handgliding over a river. Sure, explosion effects seem muted (as grenades look like bright puffs of smoke instead of anything truly incinerary), but the brilliant colouring and shadowing of everything else on screen helps make up for the fact. And sure, a lot of the foliage effect is ruined by low res vine textures, but all the bloom lighting still makes every single blade of grass look that much more sweeter than it ever did in VGA somehow...

Now, the bloom lighting itself may actually hurt my fucking eyes, to the point where the Sun reflecting off of even goddam wood was seemingly brighter on my television than staring at a real, goddam eclipse. Ubisoft may have really overdone it there, but that still doesn't change the fact that mountain cliffs and waterfalls look better in Far Cry Instincts than in any first person shooter I've seen on the Xbox before...

Another feature of the game they might have overdone was definitely the rag doll physics. Enemies just don't seem like they have any weight to them in the game, thanks to a bunch of weird glitches where once, I even saw a dead body bounce up to the top of a cave roof after landing on a goddam railrood track... Still, for the most part, the rag doll physics aren't that damm exaggerated. Seeing bodies slowly slump and fall off of guard towers, or blasting them asses off of sky high cliffs, are rather damn satisfying feats in the end, if I do say so for myself...

Sound effects aren't quite up there with the best that Ubisoft has ever done (Brothers in Arms: Earned in Blood comes to mind here), but it's still a goddam blessing to hear the game in full Dolby Digital 5.1 sound... Sure, I could've done without the shit that the sirens bellow in my ears. But machine gun bullets sound absolutely fantastic, enemy voices are as clear as they can be, and the full surround sound really works to your advantage as you're stalking your prey, Predator style...

Voice acting is campy as hell. I mean, what else can you expect from Blade's Stephen fucking Dorff doing the dorky commentary?... Still, it's not like classic films such as Predator had great scripts either. And for the most part, even if you've played Far Cry and learned its plot secrets on the PC before? It's still worth going through Far Cry Instincts, if only to laugh at Stephen Dorff trying to pull off the "fuck" word like a real man...

A lot of critics have complained about the level design being downgraded in Far Cry Instincts... In the original, the island really was an island, as you could go pretty much wherever you wanted, however you wanted, with dozens of different paths all leading to either the same or different destinations in the end. It was all basically one massive stage, as PC gamers loved the GTA like freedom there, especially when it came to all the goddam vehicles...

Sure, there are still tons of problems with the level designs in Far Cry Instincts, namely invisible vines to climb, fucking mountain cliffs to platform across, and some god-awful, boring environments like the fucking mine caves filled with Flood-like pygmies... But for the most part? I prefer the linearity in Far Cry Instincts. If Halo has proven anything about console shooters to me, it's that I don't want to fucking have to think about where I need to go in a first person shooter, or how to get from point A to B. All I want is to have to strategize about the individual combat situations themselves, and never have to worry about getting fucking Lost after a fucking plane crash...

To be honest? I still think the stages in Far Cry Instincts are too damn long for their own good. Sure, I can just save at the latest checkpoint and continue from wherever I left off before I shut off my Xbox, but somehow the idea of 1.5 hour stages ruins the whole feeling of replay value that I used to get from games like Halo (which had long enough stages itself)... It's no wonder then why I hated the original PC version of the game. It was just so damn aimless in all its goddam wanderings, on both foot and in vehicles, that I was too damn bored by the time I actually got to goddam aim...

If there's one place where Far Cry Instincts is by leaps and bounds far superior to the PC version, it's the vehicles. While I still don't get the Halo, Warthog-perfection vibe from the fucking Humvees in the game, at least I can finally fucking drive in a straight line now... and walk a crooked line afterwards...

I'm not a fan of any of the vehicles in Far Cry Instincts that can run on land, as they all seem so damn floaty somehow (Humvee, dirt bikes, and hovercrafts come to mind). But when it comes to the air and sea?... Fuck, jet skis are probably done the goddam best in Far Cry next to the Wave Race series. And there absolutely is no better feeling in the Far Cry games, then soaring through the mountain ranges on a goddam hand-glider...

I've also heard that Far Cry Instincts is simply amazing in multiplayer mode. Not only does it have some amazing, Predator-like online deathmatches, but it has a built in map editor so that I can recreate all those goddam Goldeneye stages that I'm still so damn, foot-fetishly attached to... Problem is, I don't have Xbox Live, so why the fuck would I care about online? Still, I'll give this game a shot at my next family gathering, as Halo 2 definitely didn't fill the void leftover from the original Halo for us, thanks to all of Halo 2's shit map and plasma grenade designs...

When it all comes down to it though? I almost always rate every single game I review on the single player modes alone...

... good thing I'm not a real reviewer then... or at least, never a decent one...

Because while Far Cry Instincts is by far a better game than that shitstorm I bored my way through on the goddam PC?...

... it's still a far cry away, from ever being considered a truly great game in any neck of the jungle, at least...

I may love the graphics. I may adore the sound immersion. I may even tolerate the half floaty, goddam dual shock controls... And hell, I may even fucking kiss my goddam dual P90s to sleep every single fucking night of the year, for all I care...

But that still doesn't change the fact that the game was so damn mechanical in its AI, and so damn repetitive in the end with all its generic combat and piss-poor stage designs. And that doesn't change the fact, that the stealth and feral abilities feel like nothing more than goddam tack-on's, and goddam gimmicks to differentiate the back of the box from the goddam, original PC version...

Still, the hunt continues for the next truly great first person shooter series outside of Halo...

... and I fear, hidden in the foliage, that we're still a far cry away from ever finding it...

Y2kk Update: - Smallville: Thirst small Smallville Week in Review (Spoilers...) -

It's as if this whole fucking episode was written, just so that James Marsters could say that goddam line in the goddam trailers...

"Buffy Sanders? Slaying Buffy the fucking vampire Sanders? WTF?... WTF is WB trying to do? Tarnish the goddam Buffy the Vampire Slayer legacy?... Hasn't Joss Whedon and the last seasons of the show done it enough already? WTF?"...

God, I'd much prefer an episode about Colonel Sanders, than Buffy the fucking vampire Sanders...

It's not like Buffy the Vampire Slayer as a series ever did muster any real decent Halloween episodes (save for the second season one with Spike and the enchanted costumes), so why the hell would I ever expect Smallville to do one better? Especially after the shit they pulled last year with the fucking three witches...

Chloe was fucking hot in her tank top in bed... that's all I can say nice about her, though...

And Brainiac? Once again, even without the patented British accent, James Marsters shines through... Now, sure his whole T-1000 act was lame as hell, considering he just seemed to leave the guard's body there for anyone to goddam find. And perhaps he was just a bit too smug when it came to his intelligence, showing off his inside knowledge of Luthorcorp way too much to Lex... But still, Marsters delivered a true performance, where he left so many questions in my head. Why the hell was he baiting Lex anyhew, considering you'd think the last thing that Brainiac would ever want at this point is to draw attention to himself?... Why is he trying to look like the hero, going after the Luthors? To gain Clark's moronic trust (not like that's ever hard), or something else?...

Fitting then, that the only thing decent about a WB "homage" to Buffy the Vampire Slayer, is the fucking BTVS actor that can't find work outside of the goddam Whedon-verse anymore...

And I'm sorry, but there just isn't really anything good to say about Thirst whatsoever...

I mean, why is it that whenever Kristen Kreuk tries to be bad, it just turns out so damn bad in the end?...

And to be honest? I find it ironic really, that Lana was at her most bitchiness this episode when she was still fucking normal...

She's supposed to be in love with Clark right now, right? So why the fuck would she apply to Met U behind his back, and fucking start packing to leave for the city without even fucking telling him about it?... Why the fuck would she just pick up and leave without giving a damn about the man she's leaving behind? WTF is wrong with her? WTF?...

As a vampire, sadly enough, Lana was actually nicer than she was as a human. She actually showed regret about making Clark's life a living hell. And fuck, even if it was just a silhouette, I was fucking turned on by that fucking lesbian, vampire-turning kiss of hers... But really, how many times has Lana been fucking lesbian kissed by now? How many times have alien spores taken over her body as if she was Kathryn fucking Janeway and made her evil, only for her to fucking forget the whole ordeal by the end of the episode?... God, the writers are breaking my back and fucking snapping my neck with shit like Lana's so-called immortality...

... and if I thought that wasn't bad enough? I finally got to fucking slap myself in the forehead so damn hard for the first time this season, when the fucking bitch spoke about "feeling (Clark's) heart" when she fucking bit his ass...

My head hurts from the pounding it took... I'm not being metaphorical here - I really fucking slapped myself in the head that fucking hard from this shit...

Lois was nowhere to be found (thank God she avoided this episodic atrocity), but Chloe and her uber sexiness did try to make up for the lack of parking Lane's. The only problem was, I thought her article writing fucking sucked ass... Her moments at the Daily Planet were just pure, uber shit. Carrie Fisher not only looked pudgy and old, but she couldn't act worth a damn without a blaster in her hand either. And Chloe Sullivan was stuck in the mess, of trying to suck up to a hard ass bitch who really was nothing more than one dimensional fill-in for Perry White...

And when it came to any of Chloe's crap outside of the Daily Planet? What the fuck did she do?... First, she loses out on her wall of wings to frakkin' Kat from BSG. And then she gets her fucking neck sucked on by Lana, leaving her flat on her back for the rest of the fucking episode?... Sure, if Lois had been on top of Chloe there on the bed, maybe I'd be singing a different tune about Thirst. Afterall, scenic shots like that sure do make me salivate for a good ol 'slurp... But nothing like that did happen. Instead, probably the only real decent Chloe moment, was when Clark just superspeeded right up her dorm room ass...

And WTF? Clark stole The Flash's gimmick? Since when could Clark run that damn fast?...

... I would also like to say, "since when has Clark ever been that damn dumb"?... but sadly, this is Smallville...

So let me get this straight... First, his girlfriend just picks up and leaves for another city without telling him, and he's cool with that. Then, she fucking begs him for fucking morning sex, and he's too fucking wussy to go for it? WTF?... At least we got some humour from him at the Halloween party, when it came the comments about the Zorro cape and mask. Of course, the writers then fuck up any chemistry he had going in that scene, by making him just stand there and stare as Lana was fucking over Chloe with her fucking fake teeth... From that point on, Thirst just becomes Smallville season two redux. Suddenly, Clark is perfectly friendly with Lex all over again, a magic cure for the vampire disease just happens to be found in Luthor's desk (WTF?), and Clark gets his ass kicked by Lana Lang yet again...

And yet he still sticks by her side in the end? God, he's such a glutton for punishment...

Do I even want to elaborate on anything else in the episode? Afterall, it says something when Lionel and the Kent parents were the best parts of the episode, as they were fucking missing in action for the umpteenth time this season already...

Now, yes Lex did have some decent moments with Brainiac, which I'm hoping will lead somewhere decent in the future of the series. Yes, the trio of bikini-clad, bad girls in the starting teaser did give me some new Hope for at least a bit more cleavage in the hour. And yes, Chloe did look fucking hot as she was typing away on her bed...

If only the episode had been an hour long scene of Lana turning Chloe with her lower tongue? Then maybe the episode wouldn't have turned out so fucking bad...

Pass the popcorn chicken already. Because God, I'm dying from thirst for a decent Superman showing here...

Y2kk Update: - THQ's / Yuke's WWE Day of Reckoning 2 Nintendo Gamecube Review (Spoilers...) -

Then why is it that they always get so goddam lucky with their games on Nintendo systems?...

THQ was all set to leave the Nintendo 64 platform for the fucking dust as soon as the Playstation 2 arrived. I remember all those reports, of just how goddam hard they were working Yuke's to produce the best damn Smackdown games on both the PSOne and the PS2... Meanwhile of course, THQ was tossing away the company of AKI along with their Nintendo 64 fanbase. All they saw were Million Dollar Man dollar signs, and didn't give a real damn about the quality of their last N64 wrestling game, WWF No Mercy...

Ironic then, really... Because maybe it's just nostalgia, but how the heck did the Smackdown games turn out so bad, and No Mercy became known as one of the best wrestling games ever made for a video gaming console in history?...

THQ has completely ignored the Nintendo Gamecube for the most part throughout its lifetime. It released Wrestlemania X8 (which wasn't that bad) and Wrestlemania X9 (which was horrendous) for the system, merely to feed off of us hybrid WWE/Nintendo rabid wolverine fanboys... And despite the fact that both of these games weren't nearly as good as WCW Thunder or WWF No Mercy were on the N64? They still sold decently well, simply thanks to the fact that ol' skool Nintendo 64 fans like me refused to move on...

I bought the Raw series for the Xbox though, and I've played the Smackdown series for the PS2... I've seen how goddam hard THQ tried and still tries on both of those systems (just check their advertisements per system, for instance), if only because they believe that those two systems are where the money is at...

Hell, I think even THQ was shocked by the fact, that gamers and critics liked WWE Day of Reckoning as much as we all did...

Yuke's barely put any effort into it. It was just another throwaway knockoff of their Smackdown series as far they were concerned, as they barely even bothered to put half of the WWE superstars at the time into the goddam game...

Yet irony had it, that WWE Day of Reckoning wasn't just the best wrestling game on the Nintendo Gamecube. But it also turned out to be perhaps the best damn wrestling game of this entire generation of gaming...

And I reckon, that WWE Day of Reckoning 2 managed to turn a few clueless THQ heads and moneyhats around as well...

While this may not mean much in the end, WWE Day of Reckoning 2 is absolutely the best damn wrestling game of this generation of gaming. It builds upon everything that the original Day of Reckoning had, and doesn't skip or miss a beat in any category...

If you had to choose between the original or Day of Reckoning 2? While THQ often seems to regress with their wrestling games (Wrestlemania 20 for the Xbox comes to mind), that certainly isn't the case with this game... Probably the only place that Day of Reckoning 2 doesn't hold up as well as the original is the goddam framerate, where Hell in a Cell matches do seem to drop below the 20 frames per second mark at times...

... though I prefer to call that a nostalgic throwback to the N64's No Mercy, of course...

The main gameplay difference between the old and new WWE Day of Reckoning is the stamina meter. While personally, I think the meter is pretty damn useless in the end (considering it's too easy to regenerate if you just stand there while your opponent is down), I do admit that it is an interesting feature. It definitely prevents some gamers from using weapons over and over again (as it wears down the meter far too quickly), and it slows the pace of a match enough at times for the momentum to shift after a wrestling hold...

The one new feature related to the stamina bar that I do like, is obviously the changes done to the submission hold system. While perhaps it slows down the game a bit too much at times, to have to choose the goal of your submission hold (to taunt, rest, or submit) using the C-stick, I love the fact that the gamer on the other end gets a chance at breaking out of the hold right away... By picking the same goal of the submission (or whatever you want to call it), it creates for a much more strategic feel when it comes to submission holds. And makes it that much more satisfying when you get an opponent to tap the fuck out...

Besides that, the core gameplay of WWE Day of Reckoning 2 is simply a tweaked version of everything that was sweet and holy in the original. I've always loved the way specials are handled in the series (by pressing A+B), I'm overjoyed that stealing other wrestlers' moves is back (A+B+L+R), and momentum shifts allow for some pretty unpredictable unprettiers when push comes to shove... And considering the original Day of Reckoning already far surpassed anything THQ offered on the Xbox or PS2 in terms of both controls and fun factor? I meant all the above in absolutely the most satisfied way possible...

If you were a fan of No Mercy, chances are you'll feel right at home with the Day of Reckoning series. The old skool grapple system is back, and thankfully with a hell of a lot less counters than there were before. Short grapples give you quick moves, strong grapples are no longer ridiculously easy to counter, and punches are no longer traded back and forth non-stop throughout a match... L still counters grapples, R still counters strikes, and the both of them still counter specials. But it all works so much better now than in the original, thanks to the fact that the timing of each counter button pressed has to now be so much more precise...

Some of the more oddball controls of the series on the Gamecube, such as pressing Y+A to irish whip an opponent or Z to tag an opponent, are still rather strange when you think about it. But I've been playing the series for so long on the Gamecube, that it just feels natural now, you know?... And everything else works so damn perfect to a letter. Climbing the turnbuckle with the Y button just feels more precise than it does with the Xbox pad somehow, and even taunting with the tiny Gamecube D-pad functions like a charm... I still have issues with using the C-stick to choose your target in ring, especially since it homes in on the ref and your tag team partners as well. But even that has been tweaked for the most part, to the point where it only really becomes a problem in high octane Hell in a Cell matches or whatever sort of crap...

Pretty much every single damn type of match you can think of is found in Day of Reckoning 2. I'm disappointing at the slowdown in the Hell in a Cell match however, but the improved cage roof dynamics and physics definitely make it up for the most part... Ladder matches are still frustrating, considering the game can't make it that easy for you to reach the target on top (and make you look like a jumping mexican bean retard in the process). But I do love all the little changes Yuke's has done to the weapons in the game, tables and ladders and chairs included of course, that make all those hardcore types of matches into something so much more balanced than they were before...

Of course, besides the slowdown, there are a few problems with the modes in the game. Last Man Standing matches seem to be a bit too random when it comes to TKO's, as sometimes it's almost impossible to keep a man down... And cage matches? Even if I hate the real rule myself, why the hell can't you pin opponents in the cage like you can in the real WWE? It's so damn frustrating to go against 2 or 3 computer opponents at once in the story mode and try to escape the fucking cage, as it's nearly impossible to keep them all down at the same damn time...

... lucky for me, there's a fucking massive bug in the game, where a CPU opponent just stands there frozen in time if he gets bloodied with the goddam camera angle option off...

Now, I'm not quite so sure if I like how the story mode in the game picks up pretty much exactly where it left off in the original. Not only does it feel weird that the history of the real Evolution group is skewed in the game, but that I also can't fucking use my old created character in the game either... Hell, when I saw that the story continued from the first game, I frantically checked the instruction manual to see whether I could import my old character or not, only to find that the instruction manual for the game quite frankly sucks donkey balls in all shapes and colours...

Besides that though? To be honest, WWE Day of Reckoning 2's story mode, as half assed as it was by THQ, still turned out to be the best damn story mode I've seen in a wrestling game to date. Sure, that ain't saying much (considering we fought construction workers in Wrestlemania X9, and Teddy Long gets run over by a goddam limo in Smackdown vs Raw... believe that...), but it says something at least...

Story mode is too easy in some places (regular matches, for the most part), and too damn frustrating at others (triple threat and cage matches, mostly). The weird thing though, is that the story wasn't written so badly either, with a bunch of decent rivalries and heel turns along the way... Obviously, the lack of voice acting hurts the overall presentation of the game. But sometimes I barely notice that it's missing, simply because I'm floored by the fact that all the mouths and eyes of the wrestlers are animated better than I've even seen in some fucking CG movies out there...

Fuck, if only they could've made Stacy Keibler in the game look as hot as Tina in fucking Final Fantasy 7: Advent Children...

But besides her man-whorish jaw in the game, WWE Day of Reckoning 2 even gives Smackdown vs Raw for the Xbox a run for its money in terms of graphics and overall presentation. I mean, even though in the end my brother will probably hate the graphics after the Xbox 360 is released, he literally said that the wrestlers are "scary realistic" in WWE Day of Reckoning 2...

The textures have improved so damn much over the original that it's almost ridiculous. While some bodies are still overglossed, for the most part the wrestlers no longer look nearly as plastic like they do on other systems. Hell, thankfully for once, Yuke's managed to put most of the polygons on the wrestler's faces instead of wasting them on the abs, and it definitely shows... Especially in story mode (where graphics are probably ramped up a bit for those 20 minute long HHH promos of his), wrestlers like Chris Jericho, John Cena, Kane, and even Carlito (minus the fucked up hair) almost look identical to how they actually look in real fucking life... simply amazing...

... and a huge part of that has to do with the improved physics and goddam animation in the game...

Finally, Yuke's gets it! After all these years of just making the best damn textures they could, but the worst goddam animation schemes possible, they created WWE Day of Reckoning 2... Now, while obviously some animations are still too mechanical in nature (HBK's and Edge's dancing spots, for instance), it's amazing just how close Day of Reckoning 2 got to truly animating characters like Eddie Guerrero, Batista, and Muhammad Hassan (poor Italian, mobbed by the anti-Arab media... sniff sniff...)...

In story mode, all their mouth and jaw and even eye movements are done to near perfection, as far as modern consoles are concerned. And during their ring entrances?... While it still sucks that Yuke's refuses to care for things as simple as actual wrestling timing schemes (the Masterlock doesn't even sync his muscle flexes with the music here, for instance), at least they improved on almost everything else in terms of presentation. While last year there was clipping and choppiness during the intros, I can now finally enjoy Christian's and Randy Orton's virtual entrances as the next damn best thing to real life... if actual wrestling can be considered "real", that is...

The total roster ain't so bad in WWE Day of Reckoning 2 either. Sure, it ain't nearly as grandiose as the names in Smackdown vs Raw. But really, I can't think of a single superstar missing in the game that deserves to be there, besides Lita and the fucking McMahons at least (God, Stephanie is so fucking hot as a blonde, but I digress...)... John Cena, Booker T, RVD, Rey Mysterio, JBL, Steve Austin, Hulk Hogan, Shawn Michaels II: The Quickening, and pretty much every single heavy hitter from before this game went gold are all goddam present. And besides HHH's nose (and the fact that the title ain't painted on his shoulder), every single superstar looks, feels and plays better than they ever did before...

If there are any real flaws in WWE Day of Reckoning 2, it's definitely the create a wrestler mode. Not only does it feature barely any more wrestler models, clothing, or movesets than the original game did (which was barely anything compared to the Smackdown series in the first place), but now horrible loading times ruin the entire experience of choosing different looks for your character...

... as goddam load times, along with the addition of slow-down, are really the only two problems that appear in the sequel compared to the original...

WWE Day of Reckoning 2 is still the best damn wrestling game of this entire generation of gaming...

And hell, I reckon it's probably an even better wrestling game overall, than even goddam, No fucking Mercy...

Sure, it may have taken THQ the Raw series, the Smackdown series, the Smackdown vs Raw series, and the fucking Wrestlemania series to finally get it right... after all these years, to finally get it right again...

But finally, finally, even if it ain't on the system that THQ wishes it was on?...

... the millions, and millions, of wrestling fans out there, finally get the next fucking WWE series that will be nostalgically compared to...

Y2kk Update: - Smallville: Aqua small Smallville Week in Review (Spoilers...) -

... as there's absolutely nothing to love about my colour commentary for the goddam Smallville episode of the week...

Because you know, the episode with The Flash last year ("Run", or whatever the hell it was called), wasn't just the best episode of Smallville I've seen to this day... but it was also had some of the top comic book moments of the past goddam few years, right up there with Batman Begins when push comes to shove...

"Aquaman? Fuck that. Talk about your generically, genetically jakked actors who can't goddam act... Sure, he looked the part of a swimmer. But really, when it came to everything else? Was I the only one who thought he was just a tad bit 'aquakward' ?"...

Ha, ha. Go puns go... as they were definitely the in-thing when it came to Aqua...

I mean, when an episode tries so goddam hard to be intelligent (though definitely not Brainiac smart), that it even comes up with shit like "Junior Lifeguard Association" just to mention "JLA" on screen, or "JBL" or whatever sort of crap?

Because I'm sorry, but Aquaman both as an actor and as a comic book character completely goddam sucks. He's just not cool, in the sense that he's a fucking marine biologist with a nasty terrorist habit on the side... I've suffered through so many goddam bloody activists in my day, that I even laughed in agreement when Lex made his joke about Clark becoming a fucking environmentalist on just his first day of university (yes, it sadly happens more often than you think). So obviously, I wouldn't give a damn about goddam Aquaman and his plight...

... and I sure didn't give a damn about his goddam romance with Lois Lane either...

Erica Durance made her return to Smallville, and thank the lords of Kobol that she did. Because hot damn, was she ever looking Milton fine not just in her bikini, but in all the tight ass T-shirts she was wearing... Where was all that lovely cleavage of hers last season? If only she had been around more often, or been shown off like she was in goddam House of the Dead, maybe the series wouldn't be goddam belly-flopping down under in my goddam mind...

I admit that I did like her attempts to fend off that generically handsome brute. It definitely wasn't a typical romance at the start, and I appreciated that - even if it was completely predictable that she would push him away at first, only to drool over him a second later...

And when it came to Clark being the third wheel? I thought it was handled pretty decently near the end, when it came to jealousy and all that shit... Tom Welling really has chemistry when it comes to Erica Durance, I'll give him that. And those two alone can make pretty much almost every ending sequence in an episode to be somewhat tolerable, if not memorable. No matter how cheesy their dialogue may get...

Now, I'm sure the actor is a damn fine swimmer in real life, and that helped in some scenes...

I will give him one thing though. His fight with Clark in the lake was pretty damn cool... Sure, I don't get how Superman technically lost that bout. I mean, instead of just staring for hours upon hours as Aquaman endlessly charged up his shot, why the hell didn't Clark just superspeed AC's ass? God, that farm boy is dumb...

I guess Tom Welling wasn't that damn bad in Aqua though. I mean, I always do like the inferiority complex he gets, whenever another superhero arrives on the scene (no matter how suckass they may turn out to be). And he always has such great chemistry with both Lois Lane and Chloe, especially when he just acts so goddam neutral and neutered at the sight of fucking Erica Durance boobies... But God, his fucking "oh shit" stares were back. Every single moment with Lana was just that same old, "oh shit", deer-in-the-headlights, fucktard shit in the eyes...

And when it comes to definitive comic book moments? His one-on-one challenge with Aquaman was definitely the only true highlight of the episode... and perhaps one of the few random peaks of this mediocre season this far...

Of course, if you're talking about peaks, I can rant on about Erica Durance all night long. But let's get to the other bitches first, now shall we?...

Chloe was pretty much missing in action in Aqua. I mean, besides her reaction to hearing about The Flash from last season (and yet she never put one and one together), what did she really do?... Hell, since becoming Clark's new sidekick, she's become a hell of a lot like Pete before he was kicked off the show. In both dialogue and goddam screen-time, that is (although we at least get some cleavage from her, which is more than I can ever say for goddam Pete... though, umm, nevermind...)...

As for Lana? Thank God we got barely anything dealing with that bitch. Afterall, she's the fucking anchor that's weighing the series down...

Hell, just from the bitchy-ass looks she gave Clark as he was dressing down AC (as if the whore wouldn't have done it herself), I was already screaming at the fucking TV. And why was that? Hell, after just two minutes of fucking footage we got from her, she was already that goddam nails-on-the-chalkboard-like to me? WTF?... I mean, watching Kristen Kreuk is like watching a fucking ex-girlfriend. Sure, it's pretty on the eyes. But if you're not getting the goddam break-up sex, then who the fuck cares?...

... I really can't take her fucking teases anymore... hell, even the fucking vampire preview for next week fucked the hell out of me...

I kind of find it funny though, that Smallville would finally do an homage to Buffy the Vampire Slut next week, the year that they get James Marsters to actually try to teach the dunces on the show how to goddam act...

Now, Professor Milton Fine's script dialogue was just plain atrocious. I mean, how the fuck did he go from using 10% of your brain (which is no longer considered true, by the way), to pointing Lex Luthor out as the devil in just five fucking minutes of a fucking lecture?... (I guess I should also note here, that apparently the Stargate planet of Tollana has been found in Kansas, right next to the missile silos of course. Guess fucking Dr. Weir's boyfriend is there too, slutting it up with Lana just like everyone else, but I digress...)...

But James Marsters, even without that patented British accent of his, managed to make the most out of his character. Even with lines that sounded completely innocent on paper, when it came to researching Lex and his weapons or whatever, Marsters still veiled a sense of true menace around his character... He just always has that kind of suave, ominous presence in the way he conducts himself. I mean, you could tell that Fine obviously knew far more than he should've about Clark and Lex. We all felt that something was amiss, the way he was quoting famous philosophers as if he was trying to prove he was human or whatever. And yet he was convincing as just a regular professor as well, knowing how mysterious real professors act at times and stuff...

He wasn't the Spike that I've idolized for years, that's for sure (well, not until next week at least). But Brainiac definitely felt like a real villain, something that the show simply hasn't had since Lionel Luthor became a complete, mind-fucked pussy... And as disappointing as Aquaman was? At least Brainiac truly gave this episode and the season, the kind of definitive comic book sense that something epic is set to happen...

He wasn't bad, per say. Michael Rosembaum never is, as he still is absolutely the best actor out there who's ever portrayed Lex Luthor (in my opinion, at least). I just feel that the writers have left his character swimming circles in the water without a fucking direction, that's all...

I mean yes, he was cruel to Aquaman this episode. But really, considering how much I hate activists? I'd probably do the same damn thing with the fucking torture thing... And yes, it's not like he was still friends with Clark or anything. He lied to his face, snickered some more behind closed doors, and tried to sell a bloody hell weapon to the Bush administration that would've fucking raised gas prices in the end. Now that would've been something truly horrid...

It's just that, does Lex really always have to be this damn dumb? He just conveniently leaves Aquaman all alone, in a fucking room where there's tons of water? He doesn't leave any guards, he doesn't set up any cameras, and he fucking doesn't even bother to keep tabs on Clark in Smallville? WTF?... And even after Aquaman fucks over his whole business, he doesn't go after the guy when AC fucking returns to the same fucking place he was captured in the first place? WTF?...

Y2kk Update: - Ubisoft's / Gearbox Software's Brothers in Arms: Earned in Blood Microsoft Xbox Review (Spoilers...) -

Brothers in Arms: Road to Hill 30 wasn't just the best damn World War 2 game I've played in years...

It was also absolutely the best damn first person shooter I've played this generation of gaming, outside of the Halo series at least...

It was really one of those rare, surprising games that shellshocks the living hell out of you with its sheer, goddam quality...

So at first, I was afraid of what would become of its sequel... Ubisoft not only rushed another Brothers in Arms right out of the enemy gates in the same damn year as the first game, but they also named it, "Earned in Blood"? What kind of fucked up, teen angsty name is that?... I was almost certain then, that Brothers in Arms had gotten the Prince of Persia: The Warrior Within treatment or some wartime shit like that...

A lot of people have complained that Brothers in Arms: Earned in Blood feels a little too much like Brothers in Arms 1.5 for its own good. I mean, it features the exact same graphics, the same exact sound effects, pretty much the same exact characters, and even the first half of the game is just another take on the stage designs from the first game...

But really, considering I loved Road to Hill 30 with all my heart? Why the fuck would I ever be disappointed in the fact that Ubisoft released a sequel that's every bit just as goddam good as the sequel, in the same damn fucking year as Road to Hill 30 came out as well? Now that's quick service with a goddam smile for you...

I admit that Earned in Blood was perhaps a bit rushed in feeling compared to the original. Production values are definitely down a bit, as graphics seem to have less lighting effects to them than the original, yet the framerate becomes absolutely atrocious in the 20's range at times. Sound effects are definitely not as classy as they used to be either, as the voice acting just lacks the oomph that the original had...

The plot was also pretty damn lacklustre in Earned in Blood. While the original was at least crafty with a nifty script, no matter how goddam melodramatic as Baker was being with his thoughts, Red Hartsock is just goddam monotonous at best in the sequel... It's sad that the only memorable lines came from Allen 'n Garnett in Earned in Blood, when they were talking to Baker and not even to Hartsock no less. Red's story just felt like it was tacked on to Baker's, as Baker was really the only person we gave a damn about in Road to Hill 30...

But absolutely the one thing that will forever scar Earned in Blood as inferior to its older brother, is the fact that it does not really have a single, unforgettable stage. While the original had the sniping from Caretan's towers, or the tank rush on Hill 30, Earned in Blood features nothing more than generic World War 2 urban combat in Caretan and St. Sauveur... Aside from some massive tank battles at times, and some hardcore artillery shots from German 88's, there was nothing in Earned in Blood that was even remotely as epic feeling as the original somehow felt...

Really, if you loved Road to Hill 30 (and I know I did), then you won't be able to fucking put down Earned in Blood, no matter how hard you try... Believe me - even after I was left disappointed at the framerate problems and my first Xbox dirty disc errors in over a year, I still couldn't put down the controller until I fucking beat Earned in Blood within two damn days of endless battles and nights...

The gameplay was amazingly authentic back in March. And it's still a goddam miracle today...

Now, the AI has definitely been changed, for better or worse really... My own men are now better at following orders, when it comes to assaulting the enemy and shit like that at least. They rarely just attack one-on-one anymore, normally waiting for each other to catch up so that they have the advantage in numbers at least. Which makes assaulting into something much more successful now than it ever was before...

Unfortunately, my teams' pathfinding was now even more dumbass than it was before. Lots of times, I've seen my Sherman tanks just move up right into the line of fire of German 88 shells. And sometimes my fucking men just stand there out in the wide open while engaging the enemy, even after I've repeatedly tried to move them to the safety of cover... the idiot bastards fucking deserved to die then...

And as for the enemies? In the original, Germans would just sit there and get sniped by your Carbine as soon as you flanked them from the side. But in Earned in Blood?... God was it ever frustrating for me at the start, to realize that the Krauts would now either reposition themselves once you flanked them, or retreat back to their reinforcements if need be...

Of course, after dying two fucking times on just the first damn stage of the game, it didn't take long until I realized that flanking the enemy in Earned in Blood was even easier in the end than in Road to Hill 30... While the AI does reposition itself once you get flanking position on them, the thing is, you don't even need to fucking shoot at them yourself anymore to kill them. You just sit your ass at a ninety degree angle to their position, and even without poking your head out of cover, they'll start running around and retreating like chickens... straight into your suppression team's line of fire, of course...

Hell, the AI even has its Braveheart moments at times... There was one stage, where an entire army of fucking Krauts decided to rush me up a hill. Problem was for them, they had no fucking cover, I had two fucking teams of snipers at the top, and the hill sure as hell had a long way up... Suffice to say, the Germans' assault technique didn't exactly work as planned...

Hell, you don't even have to lift a fucking finger anymore to take out an entire platoon of Germans. Nice...

... but then I realized just how much fucking harder the rest of the goddam game really was...

Let me get this on the record: Earned in Blood makes Road to Hill 30 look like fucking pansy training when it comes to Panzershreks...

The tanks, the fucking tanks in Earned in Blood fucking make you earn every single victory you can get in the game, as there's seriously no real way to fucking take these things out easily...

Because I mean, in Road to Hill 30? As Baker, I fucking took on every single fucking tank with my own two, bare fucking hands, grenading them all up the ass without ever endangering a single fucking member of my team...

Apparently though, that wasn't good enough for goddam Hartsock... or "Red", as he's called...

Seriously, WTF is wrong with him? I single-handily saved the day with Baker at Hill 30, I fucking assaulted and grenaded every fucking tank I found in the first game by my lonesome, fucking self... and yet Red in Earned in Blood, doesn't even think Baker fucking earned his stripes yet? What the fuck?...

The thing is, either Hartsock really just fucking sucks at taking out tanks by his lonesome, or the guys at Ubisoft and Gearbox realized just how damn easy (and addicting) it was to take out entire Panzer platoons in the original... and then beefed them up to the point, where I seriously got my ass kicked fifteen fucking times in a fucking row on the second last stage in Earned in Blood... that was not fun...

You can't fucking grenade the things up the ass anymore! The only fucking way to even damage a goddam tank, is to fucking "lure" it away from the fucking panzershrek nests that it literally starts off by sitting on top of, and then smoking it up the ass with the German pipes...

Luring them away though, is such a fucking pain in the ass. You need to make your guys flank the tank on both sides or whatever, confuse it to hell until it randomly starts shooting at something other than yourself, and then scurry your way to its rear where the goddam explosives are always conveniently nested... and then you get into even more problems, when you have two or three fucking tanks all at once... motherfucker...

That was not fun for the most part... especially when I was getting my ass kicked...

My men could never find full protection against the tank rounds (so it was only a matter of time until the armour set its sights on me), it was annoying as hell that you could only hold one Panzershrek round at once, and it fucking annoyed me to hell that it took as many as three or four goddam shots to the fucking side to take out the tanks in this game... Worse yet, half the time, I didn't even know where the fucking Panzershrek ammo was. Sometimes it was literally directly under the tank in a goddam ditch, and other times it was conveniently placed right in front of the goddam tank's fucking line of sight...

It wasn't until after I had fought and fucked my way through the entire game, that I checked GameFaqs... and found out a little something that I wish I had known right from the goddam get-go...

... because, I mean... you can actually grenade tanks, if you fucking damage their hatch first with an explosive round?...

I tried this little technique right after. While the chances of damaging the hatch enough from just one panzershrek round was minimal, grenading it after two shots or whatever still worked like a goddam charm... While it still didn't make tanks into the goddam cake-walks that they were in the original, the return of the grenade trick made sure that they were no longer the lumbering, frustrating brutes that I was forced to fisticuff with in practically every fucking stage in the goddam game...

But tanks aside, I still can't get enough of the goddam gameplay in Brothers in Arms...

Some have complained that constantly flanking the enemy gets old after a while. I personally disagree, as constantly scanning the battlefield for use to your full advantage, has always been exactly the kind of gameplay I've wanted from a first person shooter...

And if flanking gets old? There are just so many other techniques that you can use... Grenading has become a favourite of mine, as a properly timed and thrown frag grenade can get any German to leap in panic right into your men's line of fire. And the old classics, of sniping with the carbines and bolt action rifles, still knocks the socks and the fucking helmets off of goddam Krauts to this very day...

The weapons in Brothers in Arms: Road to Hill 30 were simply amazing... The Carbine had incredible accuracy, the MP40 was just superb for assaulting, and the sniper rifle were better than any damn rifle I've felt in a goddam first person shooter before. As yes, the accuracy and controls in Brothers in Arms with the Xbox S Controller were right up there with the original Halo in terms of sheer goddam perfection...

The M1 Carbine unfortunately was toned down in Earned in Blood, as it just doesn't have the accuracy or precision anymore that it used to. It's still the best damn weapon in the game when you're given a scope. But how often does that happen?... The MP40 is still a solid assault weapon, and the STG44 is now more common, but doesn't seem as sturdy as it used to be...

But if any weapon is truly blessed in Earned in Blood? It's the goddam German FG42 with a scope... That thing has barely any recoil whatsoever, making it absolutely perfect for rushing the enemy or just sniping them off from under the protection of cover. It has just such an amazing feel, that the only real flaw with the FG42 is that you don't get to start every goddam stage with it in your hands...

The main difference in gameplay in Earned in Blood, besides the introduction of juggernaut tanks everywhere you walk and breathe, is that artillery mortar shells and fucking German Crazy 88's are now everywhere as well, bombing the living hell out of your men. And yes, I will admit that it's frustrating as hell to just get shelled out of nowhere, as really there's no damn way to avoid that kind of shit in-game (not even strafing can save you, as often the computer meant to miss you... until you ran right into the explosion, of course)...

But just like with Halo, and just like with the original Brothers in Arms? What I seriously love about Earned in Blood is that it encourages you to fucking die... By getting wasted by enemy fire or your own goddam grenades three times at one checkpoint, you get the fair option of refilling your health and bringing your team numbers back to full. And I seriously wish that more first person shooter games considered little helper things like this...

Some people may consider the health refill cheap (and there is an option to avoid this). But really, rewards for trial and error are exactly the way to make any challenging game into something that's actually fun, rather than just frustrating... Constantly suiciding myself on Legendary difficulty in co-op mode, was exactly what made the original Halo into the best damn first person shooter of perhaps all-time (and the lack thereof is what seriously made the sequel suck balls in the end...). And the fact that Brothers in Arms: Road to Hill 30 gave you an extra fighting chance after three damn deaths in a row, was exactly the kind of fun factor that gave the game the kind of replay enjoyment to last me weeks off that canteen shit...

If there was one thing that the original Brothers in Arms was criticized heavily for by the media, it was the lack of replay value. While I personally count goddam good gameplay mechanics as the only damn replay value that I give a damn about, it is true that Road to Hill 30 was lacking in the usual multiplayer aspects and all... you know, that online checklist shit that every Xbox review shit seems to go by these days...

While I don't have Xbox Live, and I don't have any friends to deathmatch against, I can honestly say that Earned in Blood does have better multiplayer modes, if only for the inclusion of co-op skirmishes... I still don't get why Ubisoft didn't add co-op features to the campaign mode, as the two team system just screams for a brother in arms to play alongside. But at least the skirmish mode allows me to introduce the basic features of the game to those actually intimated by the Xbox controller, until they get fucking addicted enough to get suckered into the single-player mode time and time again like I was...

Now, sure Brothers in Arms: Earned in Blood may never be as great of a game as the original was...

Sure, it's much harder, much more challenging, and much more frustrating in the end...

... and sure, fucking ungrateful Hartsock may forever be in the shadow of Matt Baker, to his own obvious chagrin in the game of course...

But the sequel to the best World War 2 FPS of this generation of gaming, is still absolutely the second best WW2 game of this fucking generation of gaming...

It will forever be remembered by gamers like me for eons and ages, as it earned every fucking compliment from this no-name reviewer, hands-down in both effort and blood... lest we ever forget...

There's just something about the feel of Brothers in Arms, that makes it that much better than every other first person shooter out there...

It's enough to make you feel like you can just march your way all the way to Berlin, and win the war all by yourself with your own, bare two hands...

Y2kk Update: - Smallville: Hidden small Smallville Week in Review (Spoilers...) -

Hmm... my first small Smallville week in review to be delayed by a goddam day...

"Hidden? What the fuck kind of name is that? Fuck, you almost wish this episode could've stayed hidden... Yes, it was still probably the best episode of Smallville this season so far. But it was sure as hell anything but a fucking hidden gem"...

Now, I do admit that Hidden did start off rather decently. I may not be the biggest fan of Lana Lang around these parts, but damn did her parts ever look good in bed in the morning without her fucking pants... until she fucking opened her mouth, at least...

Script wise, I was at least hoping that she'd bitch about two virgins having the fucking worst sex of their life... that would've been funny at least...

Instead, what the fuck did we get from her all episode long? The actress trying to look like she was fucking tearing up beyond belief at her boy toy going down under?... And WTF was up with that meeting she had with Lex? I know she's dumb, but never that damn dumb. How the fuck could she just trust that Clark is "normal", when the guy fucking rose from the grave?... I know that the secrets between Clark and her will eventually break them up. That much is already clear... But really, it's her own damn fault for being so damn clueless. How the fuck can she just go, "duh, Clark is normal", every single freakin' episode of the week?...

There was no frakkin' freak of the week in Hidden, but we did get the usual "MWAHAHA" kind of fellow. And this cyberhacker dude, did he ever appear in the series before? Why does he have such an affinity for Chloe then?... To be honest, he wasn't so bad. The actor delivered his lines pretty decently, of having to kill his newly meteor-freaked father and all that shit... The problem was, the whole script the guy was given was just so damn melodramatic at the end, that I almost expected the fucking 24 timer to fucking get ripped again from Commencement for this episode or something...

Chloe wasn't bad. She always has the kind of bubbly spark to her that makes Smallville not that intolerable in the end. And her little moment of pouting, that Clark just got to fuck Lana (instead of Lana fucking her, I'm sure), was definitely one of Hidden's few saving graces...

But really, if any episode was her worst of the season so far, it was Hidden... She was pretty much just hidden away in the missile silo for half the episode (by the way, it makes no sense why the military would not send soldiers to ALL nuclear silos at once in the county for shit like this...). And in the silo, all she did was looked freaked out and murdered one of her friends, without caring about it at all in the end... When it came to Clark too, she was at her most annoying of the season. All she did was gripe and whine and moan and complain (do I love moaning...), that Clark didn't have his powers anymore. With all her taunts and mockeries, it was like she was saying he was nothing without being super...

Now, I suppose that for just a couple of episodes, it was nice to get a mortal Clark. It's just that, he was so fucking useless in this episode, that I pretty much even forgot that the son of a bitch was dying... So what did he do as a mortal? He had the shortest chat in history with his parents about sex, and then fucking got himself shot without putting up a fight? What kind of loser shit is that?... Then he died. Not much acting there, I'm afraid (though Lana fucking ruined the scene anyhew). And then he got resurrected... His confusion in the Fortress of Solitude wasn't bad, and I'll get to that later. But along with getting back his goddam powers, it appears that he fucking got back his patented "oh shit" looks again...

His whole conversation with Chloe at the end about hiding "secrets" didn't just make Superman look like a wuss. It made him look like a goddam ass.

... though if I had to lie through my teeth to fuck a hot bitch like Lana, then maybe I'd be a goddam ass too...

And you know something is wrong with an episode, when even Lex was goddam useless when it was all said and done. I don't even remember anything he did aside from his confrontation with Lana. And that alone was perhaps the worst damn moment of the entire damn episode... Lana was just such a moron there that my ears were honestly starting to bleed. Meanwhile, Lex was the ever skeptic, but just didn't have the force or resonance in his voice to really sound like he gave a damn... Where's his real rivalry to get into Lana's pants? There were three things making him turn evil over the past four years: his father, Clark's secret, and his lust for Lana Lang. Yet the latter has been just so completely devoid and missing in action this season, that it just makes Lex look so one dimensional in the end...

... but as for the former?... well, let's hope we get that father-son sort of shit back this season, sooner than later...

Because yeah, I did state earlier that Hidden was the best episode of Smallville so far. But really, it was only because of a couple of decent scenes...

I should've seen this whole Lionel Luthor thing coming. He was taken over by a stone that just so happened to be connected with Jor'el. And while obviously seeing Lionel at superspeeds looks cheesy as hell, having this whole extra Oedipal thing with both Clark and Lex at the same time is kinda damn funny... It definitely allows the actor to show more range, being both an amoral bastard on one end, and an alien bastard on the other. And John Glover handled it pretty damn well in the Fortress of Solitude, even giving a bit of a Jor'rel accent to his voice... Lex's moments were completely ruined by Lana throughout the episode. But the return of the Lionel we all loved and loathed at least saved some of the dignity of the goddam show...

And I now see that Smallville will play the "death" card when it comes to Clark's resurrection. Though I just don't get how he can be raised back to life before somebody else has to goddam die first... Obviously, I was so fucking hoping right when Jor'el mentioned it, that Lana Lang would be the one to fucking bite the dust. That alone will give me the hope and the fortitude to endure the whole fucking fifth season of the show...

But in the end? Since Lana survives in the comics, I really doubt it'll be her. It definitely can't be Lois, and it probably won't be Chloe either, since she was just introduced in the comic books as an old friend from the goddam 40's... That only leaves a select few people. And while the irony of Jor'el killing himself in Lionel's body would be kind of funny in the end, chances are that one of the Kent parents will be the one to croak. Afterall, Clark in the comics was spurred into becoming Superman from his father's last words... Or if the show really doesn't want to off anyone important, watch Pete just come back for one episode before getting smacked in the face by a fucking nuclear missile...

And yes, we got Clark versus a nuclear missile. Classic Superman right then and there...

Sure, it's been done time and time again. And yes, it was disappointing to not even see Clark crash back down to earth upon reentry as one huge ol' goddam brick...

But damn, as much as I can't stand Smallville? I also can't help but fall in love with the real Superman moments on the goddam show...

Y2kk Update: - 2K Games' / Visual Concepts' NBA 2K6 Microsoft Xbox Review (Spoilers?... umm, no...) -

Hell, I'm even desperate enough for fucking NBA Pre-season stat sheets this week. That's how fucking addicted I've become to the NBA, thanks to the fucking NHL lockout last season at least...

... and I've been so fucking addicted to NBA games, that I was still playing NBA 2K5 up to the end of last month...

The thing is, I was so pumped and prepped to pick up NBA 2K6 the very first fucking day it was set to come out...

I had my fucking $30 CDN in hand... so fucking itching to get my hands on the first damn copy of the game that I could get...

... only to get stabbed by a fucking dagger in the heart, like a fucking heart-breaking three pointer at the fucking buzzer of Game fucking 7...

And God, what the fuck is 2K Games' problem anyhew? I mean, I knew they would eventually inflate the prices of their sports games, once they fucking got a foothold in the market... But really, right after losing both the NFL and ESPN licenses, this is supposed to be the time to fucking double the price of their fucking NBA games? What the fuck is wrong with them? WTF?...

For any other game, and for any other sport, I probably would've just walked away empty handed...

... as NBA 2K6, ridiculously overpriced or not, is still perhaps the best damn basketball game I've played in my life...

That's not to say that it doesn't have a huge amount of flaws though. It still definitely has its share of bugs, as I still don't get why my offensive rebound putbacks often result in goaltending calls on me... Passing is seriously fucked up at times too. While at least the random passes to nowhere from 2K2 and 2K3 were fixed in 2K5, the computer is still goddam idiotic at times when it comes to defeating double teams. Instead of walking backwards out of the trap, they toss the ball out into the stands... Sometimes, that does make sense. But not when there's a fucking teammate right beside you, who you can fucking just hand the ball to. Seriously, WTF?...

Defence is still definitely the weakest aspect of the NBA 2K series. Why the hell did Visual Concepts take away the L-button defensive stance from NBA 2K2 anyhew, as pretty much every decent player (human controlled or not) can blow by the other unless you double team?...

Now, defending against backing to the net ain't badly implemented. And the block system has been seriously ramped up, as Tim Duncan and Ben Wallace are just so intimidating in the paint (though even Steve Nash gets the odd huge block in now and again)... But most of the time, when it comes to one on one? Using a simple pick or even just by using a few crossovers, you can penetrate right through the lane for an easy layup on pretty much every difficulty, on every single fucking team except for perhaps Detroit and San Antonio in the game...

Layups do get blocked from time to time, and double teams definitely do help out in the paint. But is it just me, or is the one way to completely dominate in NBA 2K6, is to have a team of freakishly athletic monsters to just jam the ball down the other team's throat every damn chance they get?... I tried playing NBA 2K6 the "real" NBA way at first, with mid-range jumpshots and the odd three-point attempt or whatever. But eventually, I just figured out one damn thing: if you have a decent dunker on the team, just fucking dunk the goddam ball...

Seriously, now every single one of my fucking points comes off of a dunk. All you need to do, is fucking call a pick in the paint, blow by the defender, and get an easy one-handed slam. On All-Star difficulty at least, I can kill the computer by double digits just by repeating the same damn tactic over and over again... While on Superstar level and higher, hugely defensive teams like San Antonio do manage to get away with far more blocks than fouls when it comes to this shit, the pure drive and dunk method in NBA 2K6 is still utterly unstoppable. It's not just the best way to win in NBA 2K6 - it's really the only way to win against the computer on higher difficulties...

One of the key things about NBA 2K6 that was advertised, was the fact that playing against different teams would result in different tactics. And for the most part, it's kind of true... For Detroit, you can literally rip your hair out at trying to defend against Rip Hamilton, running around like a school kid on pez. And playing against Phoenix is a dream, as Steve Nash just keeps pushing up the ball to Amare and Marion, with really no clear cut way to defend... Defensive tactics therefore are forced to change per team you play against...

But really, when it comes to offence? Like I said before, besides San Antonio and Detroit, you can literally kill every single team with just dunk after dunk after one handed dunk... I play as the goddam Toronto Raptors, and even with the pathetic frontcourt of Chris Bosh, Charlie Villanueva, and Joey Graham? I have literally demolished Shaq in the paint, and fucking posterized him with even fucking Morris Peterson on a one handed slam... How the fuck is that supposed to be realistic? But at least, it's fun...

I don't win every game with this tried and true dunk method on All-Star difficulty or higher, considering the Raptors suck, and considering the CPU will eventually double team the hot hand. But just choose any other goddam team with a massive backlog of dunkers, and suddenly the AI seems as goddam easy and redundantly moronic as it was in 2K5...

But if I wanted defence from my NBA games? I'd go play the NBA Live series, where field goal percentages are actually less than the 60-70% that I get in NBA 2K6. Hell, I ironically love getting 70% field goal percentages in my NBA games... Sure, NBA 2K6 is advertised as a true simulation of the sport. But if I actually got the fucking 35% and 40% field goal percentages that my real Toronto Raptors get? I'd probably fucking tear the DVD game up in fucking frustration and tears... and whine and bitch about it here on my noname site...

Now, thanks in part to defence being pure shit, offence is simply amazing in NBA 2K6. There's simply no doubt about it. It's seriously the most fun I've had with a goddam sports game since the glory days of the SNES...

The R-trigger is now known as the "aggression" button. I do sort of miss having a dedicated turbo button, as sometimes I would pull off a bad pass or a lazy crossover instead of just driving to the hoop like I want. But for the most part, weaving in and out of the D using SGs like Dwayne Wade and Larry Hughes, just results in the purest forms of satisfaction when playing against a friend... The kind of sick jams you can dish out, as you deke your way to the mesh, just puts any of the goddam moves in NBA Live or any previous 2K game to shame...

I still get confused at times when it comes to the aggression shit, as combinations along with the L-trigger really tend to fuck over your passes into turnovers mid-game. But for the most part, while EA's style stick is still much easier to use, the new aggression trigger is just so much more deep and enthralling in the end... You almost feel sorry for the defence in the game, since there's absolutely no fucking way to defend against this shit without a defensive stance button, or without double teaming and opening up a second man, at least...

Though I don't use it much, I have to applaud 2K Games for innovating with the dual player controls. I never particularly liked how the regular plays in NBA games affect your entire team, as all too often in the past, going for a pick would result in piss poor offensive rebound coverage or whatever... But using the dual player controls in NBA 2K6, Nash and Stoudemire can go to work with driving to the lane, then dishing it out for a sweet-ass, easy dunk...

To be honest, nothing in the game can properly stop a player who can use the dual player option perfectly, as it's absolutely the most realistic and effective way of eliminating the threat of a double team... It's hard for me to pull it all off still, as a lot of the controls in NBA 2K6 are just not nearly as intuitive or simple as they are in Live. But once you do manage to pull off a wonderful over-the-shoulder, no-look pass in the paint, you just can't go back... Once again, defence absolutely sucks shit in NBA 2K6. But damn, does the offensive shit in NBA 2K6 just bring to life the feeling of a real basketball game...

The introduction of the shot and pass stick is still clearly not perfected. I mean, I love the idea of being able to control the type of dunk you want to do (by pressing a direction on the right analog stick), but 2K Games clearly realized that the shot stick makes dunking too damn easy to do... As a result, they manage to frustrate me to no end, by giving the reverse dunks less than a 50% success ratio it seems. And thanks to the nature of the shot stick and how I fucking hold my controller, I end up pressing down or left on the right analog far too often when I actually mean to press up or right (for the actually good dunks, I mean)...

Still, even with the constant and frustrating and needless rejections by the rim, the shot stick still makes things too goddam easy for the game's own good. Defence simply doesn't stand a chance except to get painted for a foul in the paint, whenever you go up strong with a power dunk and fuck the hell out of the hole of the net...

While I would literally throw my controller down in disgust at the defence in the game, I can't help but smirk and lick my lips like Shaq staring at Shawn Bradley, whenever it comes to fucking mismatches in the fucking paint. Using the shot stick, I can literally fucking dunk over anyone in the game except for Tim Duncan and Ben Wallace. And God, is it ever sweet and satisfying, to just soar in the air and hang on the rim as if you fucking owned the joint...

Seeing a scrawny SF or PF in the lane, has never been that goddam enjoyable before... While NBA Live 2006 accomplishes it as well, I will definitely claim that NBA 2K6 is just as amazing, if not more when it comes to the mismatches. PFs can finally bowl through point guards in the paint as if they were fucking pylons, and PGs definitely have trouble going up against Cs unless you've got some big time crossovers happening or whatnot...

Sure, defence in the game ends up being an illusion at best. The shot stick, the dual player controls, and the aggression moves in the proper gamer hands, all make sure that there is absolutely no possible way to defend against any starter in the game one-on-one. But defensive match-ups are important anyhew, as sticking a true defensive stopper like Ben Wallace can pretty much shut down any damn player in the league... until the momentum metre shifts against the fucking Detroit basketball, at least...

Now, despite all the tweaks and innovations to the gameplay, NBA 2K6 doesn't quite impress me nearly as much as NBA 2K2 back in the day. Graphics for instance, are only marginally improved over NBA 2K5 (as hell, Chris Bosh still looks like a freakish ape in the game). The crowd still looks like polygonal shit, and sounds just as bad as any goddam sports game on the N64. And the soundtrack just seems lacking without the ESPN license somehow...

Presentation is a disappointment as well. While they brought in a lot of the little things that made NFL 2K5 so memorable, like the match-up analysis pre-game, the NBA 2K series is still missing so damn much when it comes to bringing the television experience to consoles... The new announcers aren't bad, considering their comments do flow with one another. But their voices are far more monotonous than the ESPN announcers were last year, and it's sad that they also use a lot of the same cliche phrases as well...

The half-time analysis is absolutely the most disappointing part of all. The Gatorade interviewer for instance is just goddam embarrassing, as VC should not show the fucking asshole's lips if they aren't going to fucking bother to fucking sync it with the talk... The replay recap is almost just as bad, as it merely shows a few baskets in the game and doesn't even bother with the other important stuff (like steals, blocks, rebounds, etc...). Hell, I remember one time they showed a recap of Vince fucking Carter of the Nets, and had so little footage to show that they actually displayed his fucking foul shots over and over again... WTF?...

Now, I don't know about the 24/7 or online modes, since I never bother with those two. To be honest actually, I would've preferred better graphics and an actually decent end-of-game analysis to fucking 24/7 shit again this year, but I know not everyone would agree with me...

I do play The Association mode to no end however, mainly for the thrill of being an uber-amazing GM. I mean, it's ridiculous how I cheated my way through the salary cap (by releasing all my players into free agency to get below the salary cap before starting a season, then picking back up all my superstars using the MLE and fronted contracts starting at $5 million and down)... I fucking managed to reduce my salary costs from $70 million to fucking $42 million just by that shit alone, with my contracts actually getting smaller as the years go by. And it felt so goddam sweet while doing it...

And besides the few obvious (and exciting) ways of getting around the system, I like how 2K Games improved the season mode. True, the trade checker could use more work, constantly scheduling practices is kind of annoying, and I hate using the unintuitive right analog stick to get to the menu system... But for the most part, all the correct salary issues are there, team chemistry is actually useful and enjoyable for once, the CPU doesn't normally make bone-headed trades anymore, and the new development system actually works wonders for the players that you dedicate time to... The draft is also so much deeper than any other NBA game beforehand, as I actually feel an incentive to fucking send out my scouts now. And thank God the whiny Vince Carter bitch mode is finally off the goddam Raptors...

The thing is, in terms of fun factor, NBA 2K6 is a great game at the core. It's addicting as hell, flashy as a motherfucking bitch, and I really haven't stopped playing it since the day I forked over fifty fucking dollars for it...

I still hate how the game is advertised though, as it's probably no more of a real simulation of the NBA than fucking NBA Live ever was... Defence is completely non-existent in NBA 2K6. And offence is absolutely insurmountable, as the winner of a match is always the person who controls the tempo of the game, and fucking slams down the most dunks in the paint...

And I still fucking hate how much the game fucking costed me. Why the fuck did Take-Two Interactive fucking pick this year of all years already, to fucking jack up the price? I mean, after seeing NBA 2K6 for the Xbox 360 in action, I'd be more than willing and accepting of paying $50 CDN for that shit... But considering 2K6 for the Xbox may be better than 2K5, but not that much better in the end? I still feel fucking cheated... and why?...

2K6 is not a perfect basketball simulation. The controls are frustratingly complex at times... and regardless of what the critics say, it's not that much better than 2K5, especially on the defensive end (though it is much deeper on the offensive side of the court)...

... and hell, even after two goddam weeks with the game? I still find that I'm fucking hyped to play NBA 2K6...

Y2kk Update: - 2K Games' / Visual Concepts' NHL 2K6 Microsoft Xbox Review (Spoilers?... umm, no...) -

And so are the hockey video games that I used to love so damn much before the fucking NHL strike happened...

The difference is, I couldn't wait to get Toronto Maple Leaf hockey back into my life and back into my fucking household...

But immediately after purchasing 2K Games' NHL 2K6? I just wished that the developers had just fucking delayed the game for another goddam month or two...

Seriously, why the fuck did they release the game so damn quickly, when they barely even had time to implement all the new rule changes? Are all the rule changes even in the game? I haven't checked myself, but something just doesn't seem right when I take a look at all the goalie pads now...

The thing is, as sad as this is to say, we sports fans do buy sports games just for the roster updates. Hell, my brother is the type of guy who refuses to edit player attributes or create players that are missing in games, simply because he and his friends will only play with the default rosters in games all year long...

So WHAT THE FUCK is 2K games' problem then? They were smart enough to release NBA 2K6 with August 22nd player rosters, so why the fuck didn't they even wait until the second week of August to finalize their NHL rosters? It makes no fucking sense... Except for a few small exceptions, the rosters in NHL 2K6 are exactly the same as they were in ESPN NHL 2K5. And this is the bullshit that I paid for?...

Yes, these days thanks to the goddam internet, you can download free roster updates. But I personally don't have Xbox Live, I don't want fucking Xbox Live, and thus the roster updates are anything but free to me...

So what the fuck did I just waste my hard earned money for? For essentially the same exact fucking game as NHL 2K5? WTF?...

Well... more or less, really... with some new pros and cons off and on the ice, I mean...

For one thing, the gameplay is improved. I'll give 2K games that... Every player now skates with more fluidity than they did before. Shooting has been tightened, as slapshots don't feel nearly as floaty or as inaccurate as they did before... Checking isn't nearly as ridiculous as it was before in terms of massive hip checks. I kind of miss the bone crunching sounds I always made along the boards though, but I'd still say the hitting in 2K6 is the best the 2K series has yet to offer (though obviously, that ain't saying much)...

Offence is where most things were glossed up. There's definitely more of a sense of speed now than there was before, and the new wraparound goal thingy stolen from NHL Hitz actually makes a difference. One-timers are also vastly improved, in which they don't go into the net every five damn seconds, but also aren't frustratingly hard to score with like in NHL 2K4 and before... Defence is still rather lacklustre, but definitely shows some potential. Skating backwards is well implemented and a more than welcome feature after all these years. And blocking shots, while still not up to EA's NHL standards, is still worlds better than any crap that Sega managed to put into the NHL 2K games back in their days...

The AI ain't that much better than it was in 2K5, but any improvement is damn well more than welcome. Players now skate backwards on D and hold position. They don't always cover their man, but I guess that can be attributed just as much to the enlarged offensive zone in the NHL than any crappy programming... On offence, the CPU still gets a ton of cheap ass goals on higher difficulty levels, but the AI goalies at least never really completely shut you out anymore unless you completely max out the difficulty. I still get my ass kicked then, no matter how hard I try, but at least the frustration I have experienced with the AI all the way back since NHL 2K2 has been seriously subdued...

While 2K5 wasn't the greatest hockey game that ever told a story, I did give it pretty much a free pass thanks to the $20 US price point... The graphics in 2K6 are pretty much the same except for a few new faces. The sound is now missing the ESPN flavour that made the last game so damn memorable, though the tunes in the new game are still passable to the ears... And even with value aside, I honestly do believe the gameplay was considerably improved in NHL 2K6. That's one pro, right?...

But along with the rosters, what the fuck did 2K Games do to every single other fucking thing in the game?...

Yes, I know that losing the ESPN license was not their fault. EA stole that sucker away from them, without even the intention of using it this year... But NBA 2K6 on the other end has proven to me that by using NFL 2K5 as a template, 2K Games can really make a goddam solid sports presentation without the use of the ESPN license. If they tried hard enough, that is... So why the fuck did they treat NHL 2K6 as the fucking bastard child of their now dwindling sports empire?...

The presentation absolutely reeks balls in this game. I'm sorry, but it's true... I thought that the addition of Hockey Night in Canada announcers, Bob Cole and Harry Neale, would at least bring some level of authenticity back to the game. But these two guys have always been known to be passive aggressive at best during their sportscasts, and they sound like fucking monotonous robots here in NHL 2K6... Did they even record their commentaries together? It's hard to tell, when all their phrases seem so damn disconnected from each other, that it really fucking sounds like they're each recording their voices for the game on their own fucking couches, with a lousy mic during the fucking lockout or something...

I was hoping for the same kind of stat analysis and period recap crap that we got from the amazing NFL 2K5 last year. Instead, while at least NHL 2K6 does manage to include an end-of-period replay mode, the game absolutely does no analysis and no commentary on whatever the hell happened. Even worse, the replay screen is so damn small on most televisions, that you can't even begin to enjoy the recap of the goddam game...

Having played NHL 06 this year, it's still so blindingly obvious that 2K Games has a long way to go if they ever want to match EA in terms of hockey presentation. The sad thing is though, Visual Concepts actually did beat EA at its own game with NFL 2K5, which makes their fucking pitiful excuse for an attempt in NHL 2K6 that much more frustrating...

Why the fuck didn't they just delay the game for one more fucking month?... Hell, I don't even have the slightest urge to play the franchise mode in NHL 2K6, simply because I know that there is no salary cap, and I know that everything from the new fucking NHL deal is completely and obliviously missing in action...

I'm sorry, but in the sports world, keeping up to date is perhaps the most important thing that a goddam sports fan like me will ever fork over their hard earned moolah and fucking virginity for. And regardless of whether non-sports game fans get it or not, having fucking updated rosters is the biggest fucking reason why we need a new sports game ever single fucking year... Apparently, 2K Games just doesn't get it either...

It just pains me to see Alexander Mogilny, Gary Roberts, and Joe fucking Nieuwendyk still on my beloved Toronto Maple Leafs team. Sure, it's dirt easy for me to trade these guys off my team, but what would be the fucking point of that?... I'm essentially fucking doing 2K Games' job for them. What the fuck did I pay them my money for?...

As a wannabe-true-gamer inside, I do feel like I should only concentrate on the game in hand. And the gameplay itself in 2K6, while still inferior to NHL 06, is definitely worlds better than the crapfest we got in NHL 2K5... And as a cheapass, value gamer? Then yeah, the price tag of just $29 CDN (or $19 US) for NHL 2K6 definitely earns Visual Concepts some brownie points...

But just ask any true sports fan about how they'd feel about getting fucked over with one year old rosters with their fucking new sports game...

For every decent thing that the NHL 2K series comes up with, the series just somehow always takes two steps backwards at the same damn time... instead of just skating backwards, which took them so fucking long to implement in the first place, taking their fucking sweet damn time by the way...

And even with Hockey Night in Canada finally back on the television, I find that I barely even have any incentive whatsoever to pick up and play NHL 2K6. Because it's just fucking NHL 2K5, with a fucking new cover on the front (and oh, thanks 2K Games by the way, for the fucking were-rabbit curse when it comes to fucking Mats Sundin getting fucked in the eye...)... 2K6 is just 2K5 with some minor gameplay tweaks, and the fucking ESPN license missing in action...

... though pfft, that's what I always say about the goddam NHL 2K series as well...

Y2kk Update: - Smallville: Mortal small Smallville Week in Review (Spoilers...) -

God, life feels so damn short at times, as yet another shitty ass week of Smallville passes me by...

I was hoping that the fifth season of the show, or whatever they're at, would finally raise the show into the same kind of epic legacy shit that the actual mythos of Superman deserves to be associated with... I may not be the biggest Superman whore in the world (hell, I haven't even seen the movies, which is why I missed all the references to them in the season premiere), but at least I know what I hate...

"Mortal? WTF?... God, even the Mortal Kombat movie was better than this shit. At least in that shitty ass movie, we got some goddam decent action and goddam more nudity from bitches than we ever got from goddam Lana fucking Lang"...

So... judging from all the sultry, teen angst music and the sight of the stars outside, I take it that Smallville finally lost its virginity as Clark and Lana finally got it on?...

And we still didn't get to fucking see Kreuk's fucking naked ass? WHAT THE FUCK?!?... what a fucking waste of time...

I admit that Lana wasn't that terrible in Mortal. Instead of being whiny in her usual bitchy sort of way, she was whiny in a all-fours-on-the-ground sort of horny way. Which most guys I'm sure would approve of... She looked desperate for sex all the time, and I just can't complain about that... What I can complain about though, is that she was her usual useless self for the rest of the episode. She was basically just the latch on Clark's arm, trying to look all concerned for her man gone to war, as she sat at home with the fucking in-laws...

And it just amazes me, that even after all these fucking years? She's still shocked and left in disbelief whenever she even gets a fucking hint that maybe Clark ain't exactly mortal? WTF?...

... oh wait... she was missing in action, and replaced by just a flash-bang grenade and a goddam vibrator in Chloe's trunk...

I would like to say that in Lois' absence, Chloe was the saving grace of the show. And I gotta admit, she did look mighty fine with her silky hair and that adorable face of hers... Of course, if looks were everything on the show, I'd actually like fucking Smallville and even fucking shows like Charmed, now wouldn't I? The thing is, I just happened to completely hate all the goddam technobabble that Chloe was spouting this week on the show... "Turn off the power?" WTF? How the fuck is turning off the power to a fucking power grid any easier than just hacking a fucking camera system? How to fuck did she just happen to bypass all the circuit breaker security shit that a billion dollar facility like that would have? WTF?...

I like how she supported Clark through the whole episode though. She's sort of still in the early Pete phase (before he got phased out, I mean), in the sense that she's still excited and not petrified of knowing Clark's secret... I also gotta admit, that at least I enjoyed her reaction to the mere mention of Pete. I was wondering when the black man in exile would finally get a holla, and finally get his props for actually knowing Clark's secret on the goddam show... Still, a couple of decent scenes does not a great character make. As cute as Chloe may be, if she ain't in hospital clothes like she was in the season premiere, then no fucking sale for me...

The Kents were useless. Hell, I almost wanted mamma Kent there to fucking bite the electrical grave... The sheriff scenes were god-annoying as well. We all knew she could tell the Kent house was under siege right from the moment she stepped through the door, so why the fuck did the writers drag it out with that horrible coffee scene? Because without Clark's powers, they had absolutely nothing to right home about, besides the shit back at home?...

Mortal was meant to be a character piece for Clark, and in many ways it didn't turn out that damn bad. It did probably bring to light his vulnerabilities in the best way since he got shot by a Kryptonite bullet. And it was kind of weird actually, to see him completely immune to the effects of those glowing green rocks (WTF? He's now completely human? Why can't he just turn himself back human whenever Kryptonite is around then?...)...

Some scenes felt forced in the way they painted Clark as a mere mortal, like the fucking token hammer scene really. Then again, I was just as shocked as Clark (no pun intended) when it came to the laser security system. And even though it was idiotic that he didn't think of it sooner, his fight against the three freaks of the week wasn't that damn dumb in the end (I personally loved his HHH impersonation with the goddam sledge hammer)...

Of course, as expected, I fucking hated every single one of his goddam scenes with Lana. I mean, as a fucking 23-year old virgin here, I tried to relate to the two of them admitting their goddam sexual inexperience to each other. But then I remembered that the real fucking actor and actress have probably fucked all of Vancouver to the high heavens by now, and I then just fucking rolled my eyes... Even if Lana wasn't completely whiny and bitchy, I just feel no spark or chemistry between the two whatsoever. Maybe that's supposed to happen, considering Clark is destined for goddam Lois Lane, but still... Do the writers really intend to gouge out eye balls out with every fucking so-called romantic scene of theirs? It's like they're writing goddam Mortal Kombat 3... or fuck, even a new Street Fighter movie...

God, I'd pay money for a fucking new Street Fighter movie... but that's a story for another day...

There was exactly one great scene in Mortal. I mean, sure we all knew it was coming (hell, wasn't I whining just last week that Lex would conveniently test Clark while he's only human?), but I still really enjoyed the break-up of their supposed friendship... I just expected another whine and cheese session, of Clark yelling at Lex for backstabbing him, then giving more "oh shit" looks before walking out the door. Instead, we got a heated fist fight, and Lex even got to fight back... I don't know if the scene itself was written well. But Michael Rosembaum sold the look of utter disbelief on his face so damn convincingly, like he almost always does, that it really saved Mortal from seeming like a complete waste of time... at first, at least...

... then I remembered that Lionel Luthor was fucking wasting away in Belle Reeve, without a single fucking line...

... then I remembered the three fucking freaks of the week, pointless as always, two of them being Prior-rejects from Stargate SG-1...

... and then I fucking remembered that fucking Lana, the fucking slut, didn't even fucking strip to her fucking underwear...

And considering the NHL Hockey season is finally back, and that I am Canadian?...

... then yeah, I fucking realized that I was fucking wasting my fucking time with Mortal rather than Montreal...

... so obviously, I walked into the theater today with a wide open mind, completely prepared to write a perfectly impartial and unbias review of Joss Whedon's Serenity...

On the one hand, as a SciFi buff, I absolutely despised the series for making a mockery of both Trek and science... and obviously as a Buffy the Vampire fan, I was pissed off as hell that Joss Whedon basically abandoned Buffy and Angel for this fucking show instead, leaving us with utter pieces of shitfests on the two already-shitty series that I did care about...

On the other hand though? Joss Whedon always does have a way with his characters. A way that makes me care about them, no matter how crude the settings of his television series may be, or how nonsensical his plotlines may turn out to be... and in that sense, Firefly was definitely a series that I would've preferred to keep running on the small screen for years...

... of course, I also think it was gorram canceled for a goddam goddam reason... but that's a story for another day...

Suffice to say, even though I'd much rather side with the gorram Alliance over the goddam Brown Coats, I've been highly anticipating Serenity for months and months now... Firefly had its fair share of decent episodes in its short lived run to wet my Whedon appetite. And more important than not, I've been dying to know just how exactly Joss Whedon's writing style would translate back to the big screen...

... without the big wigs looking over his shoulder for Toy Story and, umm... the original Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie, I suppose...

The thing is, I can't help but be disappointed in Serenity... and ironically enough, for the reasons that I never would've predicted in the first place...

Let's face facts - Joss Whedon can't do epic action. One-on-one fights in Angel weren't bad, but has he ever done any major action scene justice otherwise?... The same goes for Firefly. I was severely disappointed in just how disjointed his whole space battle felt. All you could see was the Firefly swerving through random explosions that looked straight out of Star Wars: Episode III... and not in a good way...

We never got any definitive shots of any of the action, or any memorable moments to remember aside from the sight of the Reavers all coming out of the cloud at once... Instead, just like with a low-budget television series, we knew that something epic was going on. But I for one just didn't get the gorram feeling that something big was actually going down...

On the small screen, this can be easily excused, simply because the true strength of Joss Whedon has always lied in his characters and dialogue and his story arcs... and perhaps the uniqueness of his vision for the industry as well... But what the fuck happened to his so-called genius in Serenity?... more like senility, or whatever sort of crap...

I know, I know. Obviously, all the cow shit (literal cow shit, I mean) wouldn't have worked on the big screen. Hell, I personally hated half the time all the gorram Space Western crap that Joss Whedon force fed into our television screens with his Firefly series in the first place... But at least all the cattle and the cows coming home gave the series a unique flavour (and stench) in the end, one that simply hasn't been forgotten to this very day. Sure, it wasn't quite my cup of earl gray tea, but it still just pains me to see that pretty much every bit of the Space Western crap that we got from Firefly, is noticeably missing in action in Serenity...

We do get a whole bunch of the Chinese shit that I absolutely hated on the series (mostly because nobody on the show had the goddam Chinese accent even remotely right...). But it was just all so subdued in the end, you know?... All the Chinese swear words were basically mumbled, so that newcomers to the series wouldn't realize that they missed a beat. And aside from the bar fight, was there any real Chinese-looking scene out there (though Inara's place was close enough, I guess)?...

Hell, even the musical soundtrack to this film sucked... I mean, sure it was laced with Chinese and Western folk diddy tunes, true. But none of it all was front and center, not that I could audibly tell at least... As far as I could perceive? All the unique musical crap that the series had going for it, took a backseat as an afterthought to the afterburners and all the other generic action crap that the film provided in the end...

The one place that Serenity did shine, was the fact that it did have a decent plotline in the end... I mean hell, just ten minutes into the film, we were already all told that the crew knew River Tam was a psychic, and that she could control her spider-tingling powers to sense danger. That there alone was probably more info than we would've got after two gorram seasons of the goddam show, knowing Joss Whedon I mean...

Chiwetel Ejitor played a stellar villain. Some have complained that he was too bland for the part, but that was exactly the point, now wasn't it? He was the exact opposite of the Reavers, in which he was always perfectly calm and serene. Yet deep down inside, he was a worse killer than anything else the Alliance ever made... It was Joss Whedon writing at its finest, for The Operative to tell Malcolm straight to his face that he knows that his actions are evil, and that he realizes that he doesn't belong in the perfect world he's trying to create. And yet during the whole conversation, Ejitor plays it with a straight face of a pure amoralistic demeanor...

... Ejitor = Elijah Woods from Sin City, I suppose then... or Blade, if you just see him as a black man with a sword at least (although his Last Samurai homage at the start was indeed very cool)...

Now, I didn't quite care for a lot of the minor plot contrivances, like meeting Mr. Universe of the WWE after just a split second introduction, or how the big bad guy just let everyone conveniently go when push came to shove... But the main core storyline of "Miranda", in which it turns out (huge spoilers) that the Alliance actually created the Reavers through an experiment to turn an entire population of 30 million into docile drones, definitely was the kind of revelation that could've kept Firefly as a series flying and soaring for years...

I absolutely loved the creepiness factor as the crew were walking on Miranda. The sight of all those dead and decaying bodies, just standing there as they basically bored themselves to death (though after watching Firefly, I can kind of relate...)?... I don't know. It was just absolutely the most powerful atmosphere I've felt from Joss Whedon since perhaps even Buffy's fourth season Hush... Sure, Hush sucked. But the feeling of fear and survival was definitely there, and I definitely felt it again here as the team was watching the recorded transmission of the last moments of that really fucking hot Alliance scientist there...

Summer Glau must've spent her summers kicking ass and taking names during the Firefly off-season or something, because damn can the girl ever kick high. I mean, there was no need to use Batman-esque quick cam shots or any other crappy action tricks in Serenity, because River Tam really is that damn fast when it comes to knocking you off your ass and fucking you sideways... To me, Summer will still always be just that random, red shirt, prima ballerina from the first or second season of Angel or whatever. But damn, can that bitch ever make ballet seem so damn cool... ballet like a bullet, really...

This was her first ever movie role, wasn't it? And she definitely owned the screen with the role... Joss Whedon thankfully toned down all her craziness from the series, in terms of those god-awful, philosophical, non-sensical bullshit ravings and rantings that Brown Coat fans just love to pierce and piece back together... Instead, Summer was allowed to tell the story through his 90 lb body frame and her amazing facial reactions. And just from the sheer fear on her frozen face whenever the Reavers came near, I actually bought into her psychosis for the first time ever in the series... Even if I thought her ultimate secret was ultimately lame as hell, I personally thought River was done so much better in Serenity than she ever was in Firefly...

... I just wish the rest of the television actors were as epic as the movie tried to be, you know?...

I absolutely hated what Joss Whedon did to Malcolm Reynolds in Serenity. He was a far more darker and edgier version of himself than he ever was in the series. And God knows that Nathan Fillion just can't act serious... I didn't mind the later bits, when Malcolm basically started his own personal war against the Alliance when it came to Miranda. At least I could buy his seriousness then, like a decent Whedon season finale or something... But for the first two acts of the film? Really, who was that man in command? Did he ever crack a smile or even break a sweat?... I could've sworn Malcolm was replaced by some generic action hero or something...

He wasn't funny, or anything like he was in the series... Sure, he had a few good lines. "I'm unarmed" followed by "good" cracked me up for a long time, and "You want to run this ship?" did as well, but those were pretty much his only decent lines in the entire damn script. And hell, those two quotes were spoiled by the trailers anyhew... And where was his goofiness? Aside from his whole exchange with Inara, he was purely archaic and stoic. I know he had a vendetta to pay the Alliance back with, but even as a soldier he had a sense of humour (if that episode with Buffy's "Holden" as a coma stowaway was any indication)...

Did Nathan Fillion do a good job on the action at least? I guess I can say he did... Joss Whedon always seems to pull off one-on-one duels pretty damn well. And even though it was completely dumbass (or honourable?... or "alright"...) for Malcolm not to shoot The Operative in the head when he was stunned from Inara's flash (not that kind of flash though...), I was still impressed with the overall choreography of that scene... While the final bout between the two wasn't quite as effective (thanks to the scene constantly cutting back to the Reaver battle), it was still good ol' fashion Buffy slaying all the way. Brought back nostalgic memories, actually...

... before Whedon basically buried his Buffyverse series thanks to his fucking obsession with Firefly, that is... and definitely before Nathan embarrassed himself as Caleb in Buffy's season 7, as well...

Jayne was criminally fucked in this movie. Though some have complimented that they were pleased that he matured into a serious hardass, I personally missed the good-hearted, goofy thug that we got in episodes like "Jaynestown", or obviously the time he got that patented hat from his mother in the mail... Here in Serenity, he was a badass with grenades, plain and simple. In the series, his love and hate relationship with River actually had chemistry. While in the movie, it really just looks like he wants to gut her out, and not exactly in the same loving way... Besides a few banter plays on words with Malcolm, did Jayne even have a decent line? He was the muscle in Serenity, plain and simple. Quite a crying shame actually, as Adam Baldwin didn't even look jakked enough for the part anymore for some odd reason...

Now, Kaylee was absolutely the most adorable part of Firefly the series. And often enough, she was the show's only saving grace, with her amazing grace and charms and naivete... But damn, give the girl a twinkie or something. Because while I know this is what Jewel Staite normally looks like, she was just so much damn cuter when she actually had meat on her cheeks... And in Serenity, why was she even there? Besides watching sparks fly in the engine room, you could barely tell she was an engineer. And besides the forced sparks between her and Simon, you probably wouldn't even know she was in the film... Did she even get a memorable line? Well, besides her vibrator one at least...

... I could've stood to hear a bit more of that at least, rather than the rest of the crap we got from her...

Simon in the series was the snark of the show, more or less. He was the clueless virgin whenever it came to Kaylee and love, but he was always the sarcastic asshole when it came to Jayne and Malcolm. And that's what made him one of my favourite characters on the show... But in Serenity? All he did was whine and complain about protecting his sister. While obviously, that has always been his thing in the series, the rest of his repertoire was sadly missing action... We barely got to see his medical skills whatsoever. And did we even get one decent line out of him?... Sure, I laughed a bit when Kaylee decided to fight and live through the Reaper attack, if only to get some fucking action later on. But I could've sworn that Simon got much better moments than that in pretty much each and every single, one hour episode of Firefly. Why not now?...

Sheppard Book died. He sucked ass anyways. Did he even explain why he's so high ranking and profiled in the Alliance anyhew?... Probably a general or a former assassin or something. Whatever. He died a pointless, generic death, by the book...

Inara had a few moments. Probably the best (and most Whedonesque) scenes of the entire damn film came between her and Malcolm. Watching the crew throw popcorn at the monitor as they were eavesdropping on Malcolm's communication, was exactly the kind of fluff and light-hearted stuff that makes me tune into crappy Joss shows in the first place... And she definitely wasn't just eye candy when it came to Malcolm and The Operative duel on the buddhist grounds. She didn't do such a bad job trying to pull a River and kick fucking high. And her whole incest thing (umm... incense, I mean...), caught me by surprise as well... But that was it. Did she even have a line after that?...

Bah, she sucked in the series anyhew. Literally. Fucking sucked. Fucking whore...

Now, Gina Torres never did well on the series if you ask me (and never on Angel either, that's for sure... and she sucked ass in Alias too, but who's counting?...). Zoe never did anything for me on the series, and she sure has hell didn't do anything for me in Serenity either... I do admit that I've always liked how she's kept her relationship with Malcolm, as if she was still in his military platoon at the Battle of Serenity or something. It gave her character some sort of meaning and uniqueness on the show... But besides that, what is her role? First officers never get anything to do on SciFi shows (just ask William Riker, outside of his womanizing moments at least). And all she did was stand around and act completely prosaic and stoic in this film... even when her husband fucking bit the dust... or his spleen...

I don't get it, really. Why did he die?... If he was going to be the sacrificial lamb, I would've expected the movie to make us first love him or something, by giving him a bunch of classic lines that would've endeared the entire crowd to the pilot of the ship. But instead, aside from the coolass Firefly entry into the Universal planet at the start, Wash was simply in the background. He quiped on the side like a film director making a DVD commentary, talked it up with Mr. Universe as if they were dating, and did his whole "Leaf in the Wind" blow shit, but that was about it...

... and absolutely the most hilarious one since at least I saw Tara bite the dust...

Can I help it if I laughed like a lunatic Reaver in the audience? While everyone else was shocked to tears, covering their mouths and shaking their fists in fury at Whedon for ripping their hearts out, I just couldn't help but fucking laugh about how damn sudden the whole thing was... Here was the guy, celebrating over a miracle landing of the Firefly. Then what the fuck happens, but a Reaver impales him with a fucking spear? Fuck yeah!... I'd call that sweet irony, except... umm... I can't see how that's ironic...

But it wasn't a pointless death... Anya in Buffy was a pointless death, since nobody on the cast gave a damn about it five seconds afterwards. And Wes had a pointless death, considering it felt just so tacked onto Illyria's story at the time... But Wash's death was not pointless in the end, for anyone who wasn't unspoiled I mean. His death marked a clear statement in the film, that nobody would be safe during the Reaver battle... And yes, while I knew deep down inside that River would probably pull a miracle with her killer ballet skills or whatever, I was still worried about Simon when he got fucking shot in the groin... or wherever he was shot, at least...

Yes, the final act of Serenity was quite a ride on the Firefly. The Miranda scenes were amazingly creepy and even thought-provoking (in a fucking, anti-Trek message sort of way). And while the Reaver battle was mind-boringly desensitizing, it was nice to see Malcolm play a little bit of hero with The Operative in the end (and got a few decent one-liners in there as well)...

Serenity was weirdly enough, the complete gorram opposite of everything that the original series stood for, in my honest opinion at least...

Firefly was about comedy. Firefly was about script writing. Firefly was about wit, and banter, and cute, corny lines...

Firefly was a fucking Western in space... Firefly was fucking Whedon in space... with fucking Chinese chicken balls on the side...

Simply put, Serenity wasn't even as good as the series. And the series sucked, so...

Still, my dual-natured, conflicted emotions about the whole gorram show, can't help but hold out hope that Firefly will someday mark and make a return to the small screen... it did go before its time, afterall...

But considering Joss Whedon now refuses to do any of the goddam television series that I actually do care about?...

Y2kk Update: - Smallville: Arrival small Smallville Week in Review (Spoilers...) -

Because ah yes, we have finally reached the arrival, the very moment that you two noname readers out there have been waiting so damn long for!...

... the long awaited return, of the one and only, IvanFian small Smallville weeks in review!...

"Clark gives his oh shit looks, Lex doesn't get a fucking clue, Lana is a fucking bitch, and Chloe is barely used again at all... and James Marsters is fucking topless already?... Fucking WB... Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to a fresh new season of Smallville!"...

Now, I was hoping that Commencement would pretty much commence a whole new era of Smallville. You know, the kind of season that didn't completely goddam suck, or whatever sort of crap...

WTF? The Kryptonian followers of Zod were completely laughable to me. Not only did the black dude get his ass kicked by Superman this episode, but didn't he get his ass kicked by Buffy the Vampire Slayer as well?... I can't honestly believe how damn dumb these Kryptonians turned out to be. I mean seriously, they just turn their backs on Clark before he conveniently gets the strength to push them both into the fucking vortex?... How is it that Superman finally found people out there that are even fucking dumber than he is? Couldn't they just fucking have stared at the fucking portal for ten more fucking seconds? Would it really be that hard? WTF?...

... they weren't the only ones on the show who got their asses handed to them by Buffy Summers and soon to be Smallville as well...

Now, I love James Marsters. Or at least, the James Marsters that I've come to know from Buffy the Vampire Slayer... Even from Angel, I loved every single thing about his vampire with the soul of a poet sort of thing... except for the fact that Joss Whedon fucking stripped him down to his underwear pretty much every single fucking episode of the season...

... so oh, guess what the fuck was the only thing he got to do in his brief WB cameo here?...

... besides turn out to be a purely shit-looking version of the T-1000, I mean... and I definitely do mean "shit"...

Commencement was a decent season finale last season, because it set us up with the whole Zod villain thing, and the Fortress of Solitude from the second movie. But really, how the fuck did the writers manage to even fuck that up in Arrival?... The Fortress took up about five fucking minutes of the show, and that was it. All Clark did was fucking stand there as bolts of energy surged through him, as if we were actually supposed to care about his "education"... And then he just loses his powers at the end of the episode? WTF?...

I assume that Jor'el (or Zod, or whoever that voice may be) has a plan that doesn't include really Clark having no powers in the end, nor his two morons from the ship getting fucking stuck in a fucking window pane for the rest of goddam eternity... But seriously, what fucking plan would that be? I like being kept in the mystery about things, but at least give us fucking cool effects and storylines in the meantime to keep us goddam occupied... At least last season had the introduction of Lois Lane and the Kryptonian Crystals. WTF did Arrival really bring?...

Ah yes, more whiny Clark. Though he wasn't as whiny as I had feared he would be... So he got together with Lana, as if that will actually fucking last. He lost his powers and thankfully didn't really complain much about it, although I know there's going to be a hell of a lot of college angst about this shit to come... I didn't care for anything he did in those scenes at all, nor his "oh shit, I'm lying through my teeth again" rehashed moments with Lex Luthor. And the Fortress of Solitude crap was just such a cocktease of a letdown, that how the hell can I ever really look forward to the new season of Smallville?...

The two pluses of the show have always been Chloe and her cousin, Lois Lane. Now, both characters were criminally underutilized in Arrival, but at least both gals got to bring some brightness back to the fold...

True, Lois was far too heroic and far too serious for my tastes for the vast majority of the episode. I hated how actually mature she was in helping the Kents out after the meteor hit. And she barely even got to kick or scream or throw a orgasmic fit when she was necked three feet high... But at least she got a bit of comedy in at the end of the episode, when it came to Clark and the flowers. Lois Lane and her quips were pretty much the only thing keeping this show alive last season, as far as I was concerned... hope Erica can do the same this year...

Chloe though, is much more hit and miss. That I'd love to hit it, that's for sure... Her appearance at the Fortress of Solitude was pointless, as just watching a cute blonde freeze in the fucking North Pole ain't exactly the hottest ticket on television these days... However, seeing how absolutely adorable she was in hospital clothes was definitely worth it in the end. And not only that, but she and Clark there provided the only decent scene worth watching in the entire episode...

I did like the contrast between the two characters there, as Clark kept giving his "oh shit, now I've shit myself" looks towards the Yukon window, and Chloe just kept smiling and beaming, knowing she's going to be the first on the planet to officially fuck an alien... I mean seriously, how the fuck could Clark not fuck her then and there? She was absolutely no sweet and adorable... and probably wearing no fucking underwear under that gown as well, goddammit...

Unfortunately for Smallville, the two cousin gals have never really been enough to even remotely make the show palpable to watch. Lana Lang is probably the biggest reason for that, as I couldn't even fucking stand the few scenes she did have in Arrival...

I understand that she didn't trust Lex, which is why she pushed him away before collapsing and napping like the slut she is. But really, her acting there was just so similar to her normal bitchiness, that it just brought back all the worst memories of past seasons for me... I kind of liked her plan of leading the Kryptonian morons right to the kryptonite room. Of course, that led completely nowhere but yet another fucking Clark and Lana scene, where they confessed their love for the umpteenth time to the gagging sound of a thousand fucking virgins like me...

Well, maybe I would've been able to care about something in Arrival, if only it didn't signal the arrival of yet another pointless story arc for John Glover... He's by far and away the most acclaimed actor the show has. So why the fuck do the writers keep fucking him over, replacing him with fucking topless scenes of fucking James Marsters instead (the WB sure loves doing that, I'm sure...)?... Here, we had Lionel just carving a damn Superman symbol into the floor like a mental patient. Hell, knowing the show, he will become a mental patient soon enough. Until he forgets all his fucking memories, that is... and resets back to the actor and the character that we actually give a damn about...

Now, I'm hoping that Lex turns out to be a decent villain this season. And now that Clark is human, maybe Lex actually will do some real probing over Clark's behaviours (until of course, Clark gets his powers back, and Lex conveniently enough stops DNA testing or whatever...)...

All I do know for now though, is that Lex was a complete moron in Arrival. Sure, he somehow managed to steal away the Kryptonian ship... But unless the show deviates from the story of the comics and movies, we all know that Lex will not figure out Clark's secret for decades. And that means in Arrival, he wasn't bright enough to fucking put two and two together, and realize that Clark being in the center of the fucking bright light in the fucking cave, may have fucking something to do with the fucking alien ship in his hangar bay...

Ah, yes... Lex is still a moron. Clark still lies through his teeth. Chloe still has nothing to do. Lana still lies flat on her back with her face all fucking scrunched up... and now, we get fucking Marsters and Clark poster shots of fucking asshole nakedness, rather than Erica Durance or anyone else on the cast who actually matters...

[c. visitors too bored to return...]
... best viewed in Internet Explorer 4 at 800 x 600 resolution, because that's what I still run at ...