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Whoever helped collaborate on the script for this episode should be goddam shot...

Now, I do understand exactly why this episode was made. Not only was it filler and obviously a budget saver after the saviour of Exodus (Part 2), but it was also necessary to examine the aftermath of what exactly had transpired on New Caprica. Just like the first season of the show focused so damn hard on the after-effects of 9/11 (err... I mean, the Cylon massacre...) on the populace of the people, here we have Ron Moore trying to strike gold a second time with showing just what it means to have survived the occupation of Iraq (or, err... well, you know...)...

But seriously, whenever you have a fucking episode basically helmed by Chief Tyrol and Colonel Tigh? I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Bad things happen to good goddam people...

I mean, take Jammer for instance. I was just starting to like and respect the guy, goddammit. Now, I'm not saying he did the right thing in joining the New Caprica police in the context of the show. It's just that, if his predicament was supposed to be some sort of justification for the slaughter of Iraqi police new recruits overseas or some sort of bullshit like that? Well, I don't really know what to say then. I just know that Jammer was a much better fucking actor than Tigh and his wife and that fucking good for nothing bitch called Cally all combined. Goddammit, I was just starting to like the guy, and then they pull an Airlock Archer on his ass? WTF?...

What the writers of BSG do best is try to make the audience hate each and every likeable character on the show as much as humanly possible. In the first season, Starbuck was beloved by all, so of course the writers had to make us all writhe by marrying the bitch to Anders. At least here in Collaborators, the two of them finally broke it off, but unfortunately the departure left Anders looking like a hero and Starbuck being a supreme goddam bitch of a judge and jury. I understand that Kara is a bit peeved off at her time in captivity with a man she technically murdered over and over again, and of course I guess she's still feeling rather goddam dumbass at the fact she couldn't even feel out who the fuck her daughter really was. But seriously, did the writers have to completely make us hate her all over again, for the simple fact that she's now as fucking maniacal and bastardized as Tigh was whenever he was fucking drunk as fuck? WTF?...

Who the fuck does she think she is? The new teen angsty, Lee fatass Adama from season fucking two? WTF?...

Oh, Colonel Tigh. Normally here for a situation like his, I would make some sort of snap comment like, "how the mighty have fallen". The problem has and always will be, the character fucking sucks ass. Was he badass when he offed his wife? Sure. But here, he was just a common, generic prescription thug. And sure, that was indeed the impression that we were meant to get from the guy. The problem was, he wasn't even a special thug. The spotlight was on Tyrol, not him. He was just a background juror for all we gave a shit about. His only real moment to shine was when Admiral Adama would've preferred to Colonel to be on goddam moonshine more than anything else in the CIC. And the fact that Collaborators was probably Saul's last chance to be the fucking star of the show, only for the writers and the actors to botch it up so damn badly, is embarrassing enough for both parties as is...

It's been Chief Tyrol in the captain's chair (figuratively speaking) for the third season of the show so far, and here Tyrol was really the Chief Supreme Court Justice, I suppose. He wasn't bad in his role per say, although I seriously wanted to smack some sense into him when he was sucking up to goddam Cally of all goddam bitches. He definitely was a bit too callous in his role though. Not to say that by the laws of treason, Jammer shouldn't have been stuffed down an airlock or anything. It's just that, it's sad to think that I liked Anders more in this episode more than anyone else on the Jury of six, if only because everyone (with perhaps the exception of Tyrol) was just being too damn one dimensional for their own good. There was just no real discernible dissentment or diversity in any of the central role characters in Collaborators, and completely made it a goddam yawn fest even as Jammer was begging for his life in silence. WTF?...

I really don't like the direction the writers had taken Gaius Baltar either, even if his new situation amongst the Cylons is very similar to how it was for the Baltar on the original BSG series in the 70's. It's just that, the actor back in the first season was so damn unique for television (or at least, Sci Fi television), only for him to become just a regular joe smoe, conflicted villain of the week these days. I guess on any other given day, I would've enjoyed the parallels in his story when comparing his trial by the Cylons to that of all the Cylon collaborators back on Galactica. It's just that, besides maybe seeing and getting weird out by Xena trying to fucking seduce the ex-president in a white dress for whatever goddam reason, there was not a single moment where I gave a shit about Gaius Baltar on a Basestar. Two years ago, I would've jumped at the chance to see the man in action in that kind of situation, but now I'm just as fucking callous about all that shit as dumbass Cally I suppose...

And where the fuck was my goddam Boomer? WHERE THE FUCK WAS MY GODDAM BOOMER?...

I expected an entire Basestar of naked fucking Grace Parks all over again. WHERE THE FUCK WAS MY BASESTAR OF NAKED FUCKING GRACE PARKS?...

But of course, at least there was hope at the end of the rainbow. Unlike in so many shitty ass episodes at the tail end of the second season, at least Collaborators managed the same feat as so many lesser-shitty episodes from the first season of the show, in at least having a stellar final fifteen minutes of an ending to close things off. The trial of Felix Gaeta was sort of too predicable for my tastes, considering I had hoped that Tyrol and co. would've pushed that pussy out of an airlock and then realized their dog shit of a bowl mistake later on or some shit like that. But still, the emotion and conflict in that sequence was great, and reminded me of just why I started to forgive Ron Moore for his goddam transgressions of a season two reset button after he hallowed and humbled us all with Exodus (Part 2)...

As for further reset buttons, it's annoying as hell to me that Tom Zarek has basically been reduced to being a villain again. Then again, the actor has always been great as portraying the moral gray area sort of bastard of the series, and I guess I can welcome that ol' version of him back. Still, it's disheartening a bit that all the good-will he built up with the Madame President over the past few episodes was completely ruined, as the two have now become bitter rivals and enemies once again. Either way though, you gotta give props to Zarek. His speech about justice without lawyers or testimonies or any circus shit like that at first sounds too damn good to be true in this day and age, until you realize just how wrong he really is. Either way though, it was an impassioned speech that helped saved the episode from goddam mediocrity...

Oddly enough, it was the Madame President who contributed the most to the actual positives of Collaborators, which is something that I really haven't said in over a goddam season. The thing is though, even with her limited screen time, Laura Roslin was back to being the wonderful, motherly figure she used to be back in season one, before the Kamala turned her into some sort of a WWE wrestling bitch post-Hand of God. Here, she did not only do the pragmatic thing but the right moral thing to do when she delivered a general pardon to all collaborators during her first day of her the return of the office. Both she and Zarek wanted the fleet to move on with their lives, but the difference was, Tom wanted to forget the past and leave it in the dust. She actually wanted to forgive, which is exactly the kind of warmth and understanding we used to get from Laura Roslin way back in season one...

But one great line from a great man was just not enough to save this episode from the goddam wretches of pure yellow dog bowl shit...

Felix the cat (or Lee Adama, for that matter...) would've taken that very dog bowl and the entrails of this fucking episode, eaten that shit, shit that shit back out, and then shoved whatever the fuck was left from its ass out of the goddam airlock to boot. How the fuck can we ever willingly revert back to usual BSG crap like Collaborators, after we've witnessed what the writers and directors really are capable of with Exodus (Part 2)?...

... like I said, whoever fucking collaborated on this story and script should be goddam fucking shot...

Now of course, there was and still is light at the end of the goddam BSG tunnel...

But whether that's sunlight, a spotlight, a rushing train, or the fucking tail end of a goddam shit stick and an airlock?...

Y2kk Update: - Smallville: Reunion small Smallville Week in Review (Spoilers...) -

You know, I was actually invited back to a "six month" reunion at my university the other day...

And why? Well, besides the sheer stupidity of a six month reunion? My school was shit back then, and it's still shit now...

Is there really anything more to say? You know bad things are bound to happen when you give the free reigns of all the dramatic acting to the goddam Green Arrow, who's actor is more wooden than any of the goddam arrows he ever fires in the series. He tried to seem all remorseful and regretful over his past actions, and he even tried to make amends with Lex when push came to shove. But my God, does the Justin Hartley or Justin Bailey or Josh Harnett or whatever the crap his name is, even know how to remotely act like a fucking human being? Every single scene he was in made fucking baby Jesus cry. WTF?...

I was hoping that the constant presence of Lex Luthor in the episode would make up for any of Oliver Queen's deficiencies, but unfortunately for us, the Lex we were shown was some punk kid rather than Michael Rosenbaum more than half the time. Why the fuck we were supposed to give a shit about Duncan anyhew? Were we supposed to be surprised at the contrast of Oliver and Lex with their modern contemporary selves, sort of switching roles or whatever sort of crap? Because was it just me, or did even I (the fucking comic book loser of my high school) even want to beat the living snot out of that cocky ass Duncan kid? He was going to rat the rest of them out? WTF is wrong with him?...

He didn't even had good tastes in comic books. Read something more realistic and more fucking Marvel, dumbass...

Well, at least the fight between Lex and "Mr. Queen" had its moments in the modern day, but it certainly didn't last long. Any other scenes between the both of them were ruined by Lana fucking Lang, trying to look all sweet and innocent again but completely failing in the process. How the fuck Oliver could ever say at the end that Lex was a "lucky man", I'll never know. I pity the poor bastard, even if Kristen Kreuk does look like a smokin' hot but high hell maintenance bitch whenever she dons those sweet ass tank tops of hers...

I was hoping for some Chloe cleavage in Reunion, or "Clovage" for good luck and measure. Unfortunately, except when she was drooling over the Green Arrow for some goddam reason (please don't tell me that those two will become a couple in the future... uggh...), she had no purpose in the episode whatsoever. The camera was focused on Lois Lane the rest of the time, and unfortunately for us, neither did she have massive cleavage nor did she have a clever role to play in the plot either. She reappeared and disappeared without any damn explanation more times than even Clark Kent vanished just when the action was heating up. Of course, at least we got yet another priceless dumb bitch moment from her, when she even realized that Clark is never around whenever suddenly the day is mysteriously saved, which was strangely decent I suppose. But as for the rest of the goddam episode?...

Okay, so maybe the ending did give me hope for next week's episode, with Raya appearing in an Australian crater completely naked (or so I'd assume). But as for the rest of Reunion, it was all like one bad fucking memory of all the goddam horrible episodes of the past, as if the promise that Arrow had last week was completely goddam misbegotten by the writers. Clark Kent was once again a dumbass, as Tom Welling was in full "oh shit" and teen angst mode once again. He was pissed off that Lana Lang had suffered her latest concussion with Lex instead of with just himself, brooded over the regrets and choices that Oliver had made in the past, and then for some goddam reason, managed to kill Duncan (something that both Lex and Oliver have regretted for over a decade) without even batting an eye from guilt? WTF?...

Hell, even the return of the so-called badass Lionel Luthor fell on deaf ears. John Glover tried to have that smarmy little smirk he used to always enchant the screen with, but it just wasn't there with the crap that the writers gave him. This episode was meant to be the reunion of the real Lionel Luthor with the rest of the audience, but how the hell can we ever expect to take him seriously when it seems that the writers have no real fucking direction for the guy right now whatsoever? What is his goal, and what is his real purpose? Is there even some semblance of a character arc for him anymore? WTF?...

I mean seriously, was I the only one who literally wanted to beat the living shit out of the writers for being the goddam losers that they are? WTF?...

... they always turn out to be shit, and remind you of only the goddam worst memories from your goddam past...

Seriously, it's like I've been cursed by the gods. I've been having some sort of allergic reaction in my hands and feet, yet I ain't supposed to be allergic to anything. I didn't eat or encounter anything out of the ordinary on Friday or whatever, so why the fuck did the swelling and the itchiness all start that very night? I've thought about bacterial infections too, considering I cut myself earlier in the week on my hand as I was trying to repair my busted ass computer, but that wouldn't explain why the heels of my feet are now also as goddam red as Number Six after a night of 69...

Maybe I am suddenly allergic to something, I don't know. The only other possibility I can come up with for the symptoms that I have is Edema, an excess build-up of fluids in the extremities due to poor body circulation and possibly changing barometric conditions (aka weather)...

Either way though, does it really matter? Before, my fingers and hands and feet were once as goddam pencil thin as that waist around Dualla, but now have swollen to the point of being so damn fat, that I feel like Lee fucking Adama here. WTF?...

But I guess, that's nature's balance or something. To gain something, you've gotta lose something...

What exactly did I gain on the weekend though, but perhaps the best damn Battlestar Galactica episode since Pegasus itself?...

... fitting then, that Exodus (Part 2) would be the final farewell of the Pegasus from the series as well...

I do sort of argue though, that the battle scenes in space in this episode were kind of a bit of overkill, considering I don't understand how the fuck the two Battlestars could take repeated beatings by nukes over and over again when the first two seasons of the show demonstrated their core vulnerabilities to direct goddam hits by Basestars. But even so, there's still no denying that if only because of the sweltering music and the fact that fatass Lee Adama actually had a plan when called into battle? That the Pegasus really did indeed go down in a blaze of glory, went down fighting and fighting hard, and took down something like three or four fucking Basestars all by itself in the process...

... that's one Basestar for every fucking shitty ass episode that we've been forced to endure on New Caprica...

But even if the past three episodes to start the third season of the show may have been shit? I'm starting to see the reason why, as Ron Moore really was wise to save his entire damn budget for the first half of the season on this one episode alone. Because seriously, the sight of the Battlestar Galactica jumping into the atmosphere and launching Vipers right into the line of fire (literally), was not just one of the most thrilling and intense sequences that BSG has ever accomplished, but also one of the most artistic and strategic ones any SciFi series has ever done as well. It literally made my jaw drop to see the the Galactica jump right before it drove into the ground. Now, Hand of God may still reign supreme in my book of ungodly episodes, but Exodus (Part 2) definitely did have its kickass moments as well...

Finally, Ron Moore had learned the idea of subtlety with his metaphors, or at least in context of science fucking fiction. Maybe I'm just a bit partial to an entire hour's worth of pure non-stop action or some shit like that, but I really did think that the writers got their mojo shit together for Exodus (Part 2) when it came to the message they were trying to convey as well. We were still given small hints that we were looking at a futuristic, futile Iraq scenario (as Baltar pointed out to the Cylons), but these hints were kept at a bare minimum as Ron Moore instead let his acting, story and camera work tell the entire damn metaphor themselves. Even something as simple as the shaky cam shit as Tigh and Tyrol were pinned down by Centurions was simply amazing, not just because it so effectively articulated the grit of war, but because those scenes alone reminded me of the real life situation in Iraq right now far more than any other scripted bullshit that Moore has beaten us over the head with in the past three episodes of the season...

Now obviously, there are always a few flaws in any episode, and I just wanted to get them out of the way first. I mean, many on the internet seemed to love what transpired between Tigh and his wife, as the one-eyed man turned out to be actually badass enough to poison his MacBitch of a wife. The thing is though, while Saul definitely did play the part to near perfection, I just didn't give a shit about what he was actually doing. He should've killed Ellen Tigh way back in the first season of the show, as she's been nothing but a cancer to the series since. I mean, she was the big character death that Ron Moore talked about in his podcasts? Why the fuck should we care?...

Starbuck was once again reduced to pure shit. Now, I admit that the camera work and her acting as she essentially "lost" her daughter was excellent, but I just can't wrap my head around the fact that her plotline on New Caprica just goddam so sucked in the first place. Leoban was never a real threat to her, and having her make-out with the guy to get to her daughter was just somehow more boring to me than traumatic, or heaven forbid, slutty and provocative. It was pathetic that she was dumbass enough to try to take on a Cylon with her bare hands, and got herself pimp slapped appropriately for it as a result. I hated the fact that she was back with Anders, as she dragged the guy down from his badass pedestal as well from the past few episodes. And why the fuck did she ever really believe that Kasey was her daughter in the first place? What the fuck ever happened to maternal instincts and crap like that? WTF?...

But wait. Why was Kasey acting like Starbuck was her mother the whole damn time? Doesn't the kid even know when she's being kidnapped and given to some goddam stranger?...

And Boomer? Where the fuck was my weekend dose of Grace Park? The only glimpse we got of her was really when she was bitching about Adama being back, and then hugging goddam Helo at the end of the episode. And as for Helo, why did we have to put up with the guy? His only real contribution to the series so far was to make this half-assed, supposed-badass look of "no" as Adama called for the "jump drive". The thing is, Helo so over-acted the part that the look on his face was more of that of a cocky, Mutombo basketball star who had just blocked a goddam "jump shot" than anything else. Do we really have to deal with this kind of shit for the next goddam fifteen episodes of the series? WTF?...

But those few complaints aside, I really do have to admit, Exodus (Part 2) was definitely the best episode of the new season of the show by far, and probably one of the best done episodes in the history of the young series as well. Of course, the entire hour being non-stop action sure as hell helped to steer me to that conclusion, but I was also just as damn well impressed that except for the aforementioned issues I had with the episode? I really do respect what had happened and what had become of each and every character on the cast and crew...

Colonel Tigh was ever the unsung hero. He was definitely more in his element as a commander on the ground than he ever was as an XO in the air. He killed his wife and barely blinked about it when push came to shove, literally shoving his men and willing his way to the Colonial ships to escape the planet. And when he returned to Galactica, that salute shared between him and Adama was perhaps the most touching moment the two of them have had since the first season of the show. And you really do feel bad for him at the end, as Adama was swept away by the crowds as the hero of the masses, leaving his old friend to bask in the glory of the land of the blind instead...

Technically, I guess Gaeta was an unsung hero as well. Of course, I hate the stupid bitch and I'm still hoping he really is a Cylon, but I still have to admit that he had a wonderful scene with Baltar on Colonial One. I still don't like what the writers have done to Gaius over the seasons, but I do admit that the moment where he begs Gaeta to pull the trigger on him, was definitely one of the best acted sequences of this season so far. Now sure, I found nothing of interest when he found Hera weeping on the floor (although I was laughing my head off that Anders' two "best" guards couldn't even get Maya past the fucking Oracle tent for crying out loud...), but I will give credit to the writers for at least having the balls to actually let Baltar join the Cylon group. I don't know if that will exactly pan out for the best interests of the series or not in the end, but it definitely was brave of the writers to change the dynamic of the show in such a way...

As for Colonial One after it was abandoned by the Cylons? I normally hate on the former Madame President for being a complete and utter bitch, but there was just something different about her in Exodus (Part 2) that eluded such criticism, as she exuded such a sense of warmth and hope instead. That smile she gave Tom Zarek as they departed ways wasn't just a tad bit kinky, but it also just seemed so damn sincere. And that little sigh of relief she gave as she sat back down on her old chair on Colonial One? I don't know why, but I just felt at home there, just as much as she did. She really did belong in that seat, and her poise definitely proved it. She didn't seem to be that bitch of a president that she used to be back in season two then and there, but rather the sweet motherly school teacher we used to love and love to hate way back in season one. I've missed that Roslin, and if only for a moment, she had returned...

Her old teacher of a self wasn't the only familiar face and feeling to make a reappearance. For so long, I've felt that Lee Adama has just felt wrong in his role, with all the goddam teen angst plotlines they've given the actor over the past year or so. He was shit in season two, and he has been fatass shit so far in season three. But finally, the writers got a clue that he's not just some whiny brat kid of Admiral Adama's any longer, but rather the commander of the goddam Pegasus. And Lee definitely showed it this episode, with a sound strategic loss of the flagship that secured for him exactly what he had always intended to do: save the human race, and to save his father. Him thanking the bridge of the Pegasus didn't just bring back the old nostalgic feelings I got whenever Lee had that lighter of his grandfather's in his hand, but rather all of the greatest moments that Ron Moore once wrote on Star Trek: The Next Generation as well. Lee may still be a fatass, but at least now he certainly ain't a softie of a fatass...

But the real man of the hour has always been Edward James Olmos as Admiral Adama, and thank the gods that the badass returned in full form in Exodus (Part 2). Except for perhaps the scene were he went all cliche by thinking his ship and crew were doomed, I was impressed as hell by even the littlest moments from him, whether they were thanking Lee for the sacrifice of angels or watching Saul just fade away in personal distress and disgrace. Hell, even that one damn scene where Adama finally shaves that fucking pornstache off of his face? Chalk it up to subtlety there or some sort of crap, but I just felt that moment was the perfect metaphor and analog of exactly what the series has now become, for better and for worse...

Because completely unlike how I felt about last year's season finale, I really do feel that Exodus (Part 2) was a "good" reset. Sure, now the state of the universe has pretty much gone back to how it was in the first season, with the Cylons as shadowy enemies with a "plan", the Battlestar Galactica as the lone ship guarding the survivors of humanity, and the Adama family being on the very top of the food chain of command. But at the same time, it's also true that every single character has gone through absolute hell and back through the past four or five episodes alone, and have all changed for the better from it, at least in terms of how shit they all were back in the middle of season two...

Lee finally found his path in life, and grew some real fucking balls to be the commander of the Pegasus, if only for one real day. Colonel Tigh proved without a shadow of a doubt that he's a hero, but always the castaway hero in the casted shadow of another. Starbuck proved that she's still a goddam Lana Lang of a dumbass bitch, but I've just gotta assume that her frakked up fragile mind will have huge ramifications in the near future. And hell, even Chief Tyrol learned a lesson or two, of just how to be something more than just Boomer's goddam pussy of a cock the whole nine yards...

And Admiral Adama? Finally, finally the man of the hour truly had goddam returned. He was badass as hell as the Battlestar Galactica was free falling through the atmosphere like a rock, and he was just as fucking badass even as he was walking through those corridors of his ship, saluting every damn member of his returning crew. Finally, after so many damn episodes where I've felt that each and every character had been nothing more than pure, unadultered shit? Finally, they had returned to Galactica...

Or is it, "the more things change, the 'Moore' things stay the same"? But whatever. Does it really even matter? Even if ol' Ron finally produced an episode worthy of the name of Battlestar Galactica for the first time in almost a goddam year? We all still know who the true hero of the story is...

Y2kk Update: - Smallville: Arrow small Smallville Week in Review (Spoilers...) -

The thing is, I honestly expected Arrow to suck ass just like every other hour of the series has been for God knows how long. I mean seriously, what else could you possibly reasonably expect from the same writers who fucking brought us Species IV: Wither just last week? WTF?...

But you know what was most surprising to me, as if I had just found out some superhero's secret identity or some shit like that?...

"The Green Arrow was... good?... You mean, I actually liked an episode with a teen angst wannabe in a fucking green hood? WTF?..."

But seriously, I couldn't believe my eyes. Now obviously, Arrow pales in comparison to the best episodes that I normally enjoy from other television series. But when comparing to just the rest of Smallville itself? Arrow was not just up there with Run and Commencement as one of the best episodes in recent years, but it also ranks up there with the latter two as the only good episodes of recent years. WTF?...

Now, the actor who plays Oliver Queen has been absolute shit for the past few weeks, as the guy simply can't emote or act. But ironically enough, or appropriately enough, he did a damn fine job of emulating a stiff, teen angsty superhero with an arrow shoved up his ass. Now sure, I laughed at times at just how goddam ridiculous all his crap CG arrow effects looked. Because seriously, how the fuck could a fucking arrow ever hit a bullet out of thin air, or how in the blue hell can a goddam single shaft of titanium toss a fat ass Lee Adama bastard across an entire room, I will never know. But physics aside, I actually enjoyed the Green Arrow here for what he was worth, as his first encounter with Clark Kent in the laser light room was one of the most artistic things that the series has ever produced before...

Sure, I cringed at every single moment that Lois Lane and the Green Arrow spent together, as the cliche comic book romance between them just didn't flat out work with Oliver McShit trying to do the goddam acting. But at least I could see at least some glimpses of why this actor was chosen in the first place for the part, if only when he was talking to Clark. All the speeches about good and wrong and helping the world instead of waiting for it to come to him, were exactly what the series has been missing for six fucking goddam years. I can't even remember the last time I felt a tingle down my spine as the ending credits for Smallville begin to roll, but I do have to admit here and now, that the writers did a damn fine job planting the first seeds of the goddam Justice League. And it's about bloody hell time...

There's just one dumbass thing bugging me though. Oliver Queen talked about Clark's "potential", but what the fuck kind of potential could he have seen when Clark couldn't even find the asshole again after a momentary distraction from a goddam taser of an arrow? How the fuck could Superman ever lose sight of a fucking regular human when he has fucking superspeed, goddam super hearing, and goddam x-ray vision? How the fuck could he have let the Green Arrow get away? WTF?...

Okay, so maybe Clark Kent wasn't the brightest tool in the shed for the umpteenth time. He was too dumbass to unmask the Green Arrow when he had his fist begging for mercy, and he wasn't even convincing enough to pretend like it was The Green Arrow who had deleted all of Chloe's files at the end. Still, for once Clark's confusion actually seemed somewhat convincing, at least in terms of what the plot was supposed to mean. Superman has always seen the world in black and white, while the Green Arrow and Batman are the superheroes who rather view existence in shades of gray. Now sure, while Clark's development of learning of what is right and what is wrong was so damn rushed in this episode when it should've been slowly developed over the past six goddam years, I still have to admit that I could still see a twinge in Tom Welling's eyes at the end, and I could actually see the beginnings of the Superman we all know and love in there, something that I swear I haven't witnessed since Commencement before...

Of course, all the sweltering music in the episode definitely helped things out. I don't normally compliment the soundtrack in the fucking series, considering last week's episode for example, was a pure goddam American reject when it came to that sort of shit. But even if the producers had to rip off music from the goddam Batman movies to pull it off (since the Green Arrow has historically been such a shitty ass comic book character that he doesn't even have patented music of his own), I still have to admit that Arrow definitely had one of the best comic book feelings for the series since goddam Commencement or Run. I've already mentioned that I could actually feel a bit of emotion as the end credits began to roll, and maybe that's simply because for once, the series didn't bore me to shit with teen angst emo-rock, but actually played music deserving of the legendary comic book in the first place...

The thing is, while Arrow won't go down in time as one of my favourite episodes in the history of television of any shit like that, it is one of those rare features where literally every single character on the cast was used rather effectively in the end. As always, Chloe was cute as hell, as she really did seem simply irresistible when she was baiting and teasing Clark into revealing to her who the Green Arrow really was. Thank God then that Jimmy Olsen wasn't around to fuck things up for the show with his goddam teen relationship angst. And how the fuck could Clark ever resist giving up the dirt on Oliver Queen without at least asking for Chloe to give him a blowjob with that goddam infectious smile of hers, I may never know...

Most of her scenes were completely ruined by Oliver McShit as mentioned before, even if the cliche concept of a reporter trying to expose her boyfriend's secret identity seemed like a good comic book idea on paper. The thing is though, the writers still managed to throw her a bone for the first time in the sixth season of the show when she was allowed to kick ass and take names on the rooftop with the Green Arrow. Her martial arts skills have barely been used for the longest damn time now that she's essentially become the damsel in distress of the series. Finally, we got some of that old sass back that made Lois Lane into a remarkable character in the fourth season of the show. Hell, even when Kent went to visit her and Oliver in his loft near the start, the old skool banter between Lois and Clark finally was given a fresh chance to return...

Normally, this is where I go about bashing how shitty ass the whole Martha Kent and Lionel Luthor relationship has become. The thing is though, Ma Kent was barely used in the episode at all, and when she was there, she actually had a purpose to play. Lionel Luthor meanwhile seemed to be at first that goddam goody two-shoes that we've been forced to endure for years now when meeting with Lana Lang. And that handshake between him and Clark made me roll my eyes at best. But the ending of the episode, where it was revealed that either Lionel is just trying to do the right thing by going after the Kryptonian key no matter what the cost, or if he still is somehow possessed by Jor'el or Zod or whatever sort of crap? Either way, finally we got some of the old Lionel Luthor back, rather than this whole Lion-El bullshit crap. Finally, the badass motherfucker, man of the hour is back in black...

I didn't even mind Lex Luthor this episode. What the fuck wasupwidat that? For the past year now, he's seemed like such a pussy whipped asshole, bending to every single one of Lana's whims and ideals. Finally though, he started to show some real backbone, even using his father to toss Lana through the hoops to prove to him her loyalty. Why the fuck Clark didn't pimp slap the bitch like Lex is doing now to keep her in line, I will never know. But finally, not only is the real badass Lex Luthor that we used to love back, but with Lionel and now Lana Lang going to the dark side of the force, he's got the old gang all back in style...

Now, in literally every single small Smallville week in review I've ever written, I honestly believe that I've puked my way through enduring every single one of Lana Lang's moments on the series. The most baffling thing about Arrow though, is that for the first time in pretty much the entire existence of mankind?...

My brother actually asked me earlier this week if Lana Lang had turned evil or something in the series, and my only response was that even if the writers never intended her to be that way, the actress sure as hell made it true. The thing is, the writers finally did the intelligent thing to do, and simply used Kristen Kreuk to her natural goddam advantages. I actually got a chill down my spine when Lana was threatening and blackmailing the good doctor and his family, half because I didn't expect her to ever do such a thing (no, wait... she was a cheerleader before... nevermind...), half because I was shocked that her little speech was written so well, and half because Kristen was actually acting well on the series for the first time in goddam history. WTF has happened to the world to ever have let this occur? It really is the end of the world, isn't it? WTF?...

Now sure, there was really no single thing or element in the hour that Arrow did exceptionally well. For any other series, this episode would have been nothing more than average...

But I am indeed a comic book fanatic, alway have been and probably always will. And I have been enduring six fucking seasons of Smallville for that very same goddam reason, whether that was truly wise of me or not. And I'm sorry if it's just the inner fanboy at heart screaming out now, but finally I had an episode here that actually felt like it belonged to the goddam real comic book series that we all know and love...

Finally, Clark was beginning to realize his destiny. Finally, we had the evil Lionel Luthor back. Finally, we got Chloe all by herself looking as goddam fuckable as ever. Finally, we got a Lex Luthor who actually grew some goddam balls. And finally, against all fucking odds, we had here an episode where we were actually meant to hate Lana fucking Lang, and goddam loved her performance as a fucking result. WTF?...

Now, just like with Run and Commencement in the past, two episodes that had just so much potential only to be squandered by absolute small Smallville teen angst shit the very next week, I know in my heart that the hope I feel now for Arrow will be gone by goddam next Thursday at the very least...

But still, if only for an hour? If only for one damn fine episode in this entire goddam season?...

The Green Arrow really was a conscience, a voice in the darkness, a bloody hell guiding light...

Y2kk Update: - 2K Sports' / Visual Concepts' NBA 2K7 Microsoft Xbox Review (Spoilers...) -

I had just spent a lump sum of almost five hundred fucking dollars on Toronto Raptors Sprite Zone tickets for the season. Now sure, I know that I'm going to get half of that money back most likely, considering I (hopefully) temporarily bought extra tickets for my brother's friends and all. But still? Except for perhaps the combination of all the Christmas presents I gave away last December, I have never ever signed away five hundred fucking dollars of my motherfucking money all at once...

It was a weird feeling, knowing that I could do such a thing with it barely denting my bank account savings in the end. But still?... uggh...

It's not like the $500 for Toronto Raptors tickets was the only thing I bought that week. Maybe if I had known I would spend that much on NBA games and all, I wouldn't have picked up Baten Kaitos 2 and a Game Boy Micro on sale at Zellers the weekend before...

And maybe, just maybe? If only I had known just how much fucking money I would spend on basketball in the end? I would've actually waited for 2K Sports' NBA 2K7 for the original goddam Xbox...

I mean, I couldn't believe my fucking eyes when I saw the price here in Canada for that game at launch. Forty fucking bucks? Forty fucking bucks, that should've been just thirty from the current fucking CDN-US exchange rate? Seriously, forty fucking bucks Canadian for what I knew would be almost the exact same game as we got in NBA 2K6 last year? Sure, I'm a sucker for updated rosters and shit like that, but honestly, even I have my standards and limits...

But sadly though? Just the thought of playing a Chris Bosh with a regular rating of 91 finally got me to fork over my hard earned dough...

And yeah, I was right. For forty fucking bucks, NBA 2K7 was almost identically the same damn game as we got last year. I mean, they introduced substitutions on the fly, which seemed like a good idea at first. But in the end, it ended up frustrating me, as I was just too used to the quick play-calling on the D-pad last year for me to really adjust. Far too often, I've tried to call a quick pick and roll or a screen with the D-pad arrows, only for that goddam substitution screen to show up instead, blocking my view and causing me to get my ass kicked by the CPU. Now sure, there's probably an option somewhere to turn this off, but why am I allowed exactly to make subs while actually fucking playing ball? Shouldn't it only be at stoppages of play or some shit like that, unless you're obsessed with playing online I guess?...

NBA 2K7 also supposedly tightened up its defence this year, and I do agree that it's now harder to score in the paint (while in NBA 2K6, I could literally walk into the key and dunk at will with even Rafael fucking Araujo...). The problem is, if anything, the overall defence in NBA 2K7 hasn't improved whatsoever (hell, even double teaming doesn't work as well as it used to), but rather the Visual Concepts team made the shot stick absolutely suck in comparison to how overpowered it was last year. While at least I don't seem to clank as many easy dunks off of the rim as I did before, I now find that my players just refuse to dunk half of the goddam time even when they're practically goddam open. Even when there's a fucking 5-foot PG on you, it's like the game calculates that it's Ben fucking Wallace blocking your view or some shit like that. WTF?...

There was one decent thing that I liked about NBA 2K7 that was actually new, and that's the new "Signature Styles" for each and every player. I love the feel of the new custom shots for Dirk Nowitzki, Dwyane Wade and other superstars. For the most part, 2K Sports really brought in a more personal feel to every major NBA player in the game, and I for one really appreciated the attention to detail at first. The only problem is, Signature Styles are done just so much nicer on the Xbox 360 that it simply shames 2K7 on the Xbox in the end. Can I really blame 2K Sports for this? Of course not. But it just doesn't feel special or stand out anymore on the original Xbox as a result, that's all...

Besides that though? Besides that, for forty fucking bucks Canadian, I literally got the exact same game as I've already had for a fucking year. At least EA Sports had to decency to fix up the lighting, the reflections and the overall framerate of NBA Live 07 before putting that franchise out to pasture on the original Xbox. Why the fuck couldn't 2K Sports and Visual Concepts do the goddam same?...

If anything, the graphics have slightly regressed since 2K6. Maybe it's just my eyes playing tricks on me, but somehow some of the new court textures look blurrier, and a lot of the texture mapped faces look even more N64-ish than they fucking did before. Not only that, but 2K Sports completely forgot to overhaul alot of the graphics for the developing superstars of the 2007 season. I mean seriously, why the fuck does Chris Bosh still look like a fucking goddam gorilla? Why the fuck does it feel like I'm still playing the Raptors with Antonio Davis at PF or some shit like that here? WTF?...

The replays in NBA 2K7 haven't improved at all, although it's hard to beat out how effective they were in NBA 2K5 and 2K6. However, I expected some sort of improvement on the commentary at least, considering the Xbox 360 version had quite a few updates. I didn't notice a single new word muttered or uttered on the original Xbox though. And if only because I've heard the Xbox 360 version in full Dolby Digital 5.1, I just can't go back to the crackly, low-bitrate sound effect crap of NBA 2K7 on the original Xbox. It was shitty when 2K Sports first half assed it way back in NBA 2K4, and considering they never fixed their bullshit in the first place, it's still shitty now. WTF?...

The core game of the 2K series has always shined through though. Problem was, I really do swear it shined a lot brighter in last year's version than it does in 2K7. As I mentioned before, it is harder to score in this year's iteration than it was in 2K6, but that's mainly because Visual Concepts have dumbed down the controls and nothing really more. I still can't play proper defence whatsoever, as I have an almost impossible time blocking shots, double teaming superstars, or just preventing Tony fucking Parker from raping the paint as if it were Eva fucking Longaria...

And it's not just the shot stick that feels neutered and watered down in terms of offence. I may be alone on this opinion or whatever sort of crap, but I swear that the mid-range jump shooting game is just so much more effective in the NBA Live series than it is in 2K7. I rarely ever hit from behind the arc in the 2K series either, and I really don't know why. Some have suggested that I'm passing wrong (preventing my players from spotting up properly before the shot), but either way, does it really matter? It's just not nearly as intuitive and easy to get a fucking jump shot in NBA 2K7 than it should be. And considering the D-pad is now used for scrub subs on the fly and not really for quick play calls, I'm now more at the mercy of the fucking All-Star shitty ass CPU than ever before. WTF?...

Seriously, I had such high hopes for NBA 2K7. Now sure, I guess I knew in my heart that it would be the exact same game as NBA 2K6, as sort of the denouement of the series as the existence of the original Xbox slowly but surely winds down. But still, for forty fucking dollars? I expected some sort of improvement and some sort of change, rather than just updated goddam game sliders that somehow made the gameplay even have less of a flow than it goddam did before...

Why, oh why the fuck did I ever pay forty fucking bucks for NBA 2K6 right out of the gate, knowing all this? I may never know...

And to salt the fucking wound, guess what the fuck I saw at Wal-mart the other day?...

What else but NBA 2K-fucking-7, being sold for just twenty fucking bucks Canadian 24/7, just three fucking weeks after I had already bought this shit from EB Games and couldn't return it anymore. WTF?...

Y2kk Update: - Electronic Arts' / EA Canada's NBA Live 07 Microsoft Xbox Review (Spoilers...) -

I was at the Toronto Raptors exhibition game yesterday afternoon versus the New Jersey Nets. Not a bad game by any stretch of the imagination, and it was all free. My brother got corporate tickets from his company since none of the higher wigs actually gave a damn about a goddam NBA exhibition game, considering they were all busy as hell already with all their goddam free Maple Leafs tickets...

But hey, exhibition game or not, I certainly did enjoy myself. There were definitely some moments, as I heard some RealGM'er holler out at Carter, "Hey, how's your wife!... oops...", only for Vince to slam one down on poor Andrea Bargnani in the only real dunk of the night to make the Chris Jericho highlight reel...

Yeah, for the majority of Torontonians out there, yesterday's exhibition match was nothing but a mere blip of an afterthought in the sports section of the newspaper this morning. Hell, even regular season fucking Raptors games get no fucking attention around here, except for maybe in the Toronto goddam Sun (which doesn't count as an actual real newspaper, mind you...)....

And to be honest? I kind of feel the same way about NBA Live 07, or at least this year's version of it...

I've heard so many negative reviews about Electronic Arts' latest and perhaps final NBA game for the original Xbox, and I'm simply baffled by it all. Now, I'll be the first in line to readily admit that EA has completely squandered all the potential they showed in NBA Live 2004 by completely butchering the sport of basketball in their 2005 and 2006 incarnations. And I'd be the first in line more often than not, bitching and complaining at the top of my lungs that EA really does nothing but chocolate milk their their yearly sports releases as fucking mere roster updates for all they're worth...

Now sure, NBA Live 07 may not be the greatest basketball game ever told, but I seriously don't see what's so wrong with it. In fact, I actually think that it's EA's best basketball effort on the original Xbox system since NBA Live 2004, even if the series still hasn't matched the pinnacle of potential that it showed almost four fucking years ago...

What's so wrong with Live 07 anyhew? Is it from all the skating players? Because yes, the piss poor animation has been part of the series ever since its current gen conception. The basketball physics themselves are simply horrendous, as EA couldn't be bothered to deal with making that shit realistic even in their Xbox 360 version of the game. The framerate itself stutters in Live 07 as well, not to the point where it hurts the eyes or anything, but enough to piss you off to no end that the company couldn't even be bothered to manage 30 fps locked, let alone the sixty frames per second we all wish every fucking game could have as a minimum...

But so what if Live 07 still has all these same damn faults as every single NBA Live game on the Xbox has on the past as well? Electronic Arts' latest entry into the NBA basketball market may still not be up to the same calibre and quality that 2K Sports has with NBA 2K7, but considering how fucking lazy 2K Sports was this year on the original Xbox, and considering EA really did improve a lot of things in the original Xbox version of Live 07 than I ever actually thought they would? The gap between the two franchises this year is smaller than it has ever been before, and that alone is what's most impressive to me to say the least...

There aren't many new features in Live 07, mostly because EA was concentrating all their efforts on their Xbox 360 version of the series. But even so, Electronic Arts' still managed to implement substitutions on the fly and X-factor players into games. The former was done just to compete and keep up with the 2K series (which implemented the same idea in 2K7), except I actually feel somehow that it's easier and quicker to sub players during timeouts in the Live series than NBA 2K7 for whatever reason. And the X-factor thing, as cheesy as it is, actually does give you a good reason in-game to play that sixth man. More often than not, in my own little five minute quarter games, I had no real reason to sub out my superstars in the past, yet now I find that upgrading a regular scrub off the bench to star status is actually a hell of a lot of fun...

I'm still not a fan of the controls in NBA Live 07, namely that there are three fucking shoot buttons to overcomplicate things. While I really don't get why the dunk and layup buttons were separated, I will admit that I've sort of gotten used to the idea of the dunk button finally after all these years. In the paint, if I'm a small guy who ain't a superstar dunker or any shit like that, I do want to take a jump shot. In the NBA 2K7 series, even with the shot stick I often end up taking an ill advised layup attempt that simply clanks off of the rim. That problem never really asserts itself in the Live series, especially in 07 were the three shoot buttons were optimized and further refined over previous years...

Offence is hit or miss in NBA Live 07, but at least it feels vastly improved over how it was in NBA Live 2005 and 06. I still end up missing far too many dunks and easy layups in the key, simply because of fucking Ben Wallace standing there and looking all imposing or whatnot, which is frustrating to say the least. But the thing is, aside from perhaps NBA 2K7 on the Xbox 360, I really do think Live 07 has the best mid-range game out of any NBA video games out there on the market today. I really don't get all the criticisms about jump shooting, because I absolutely love calling a screen and roll play and then sniping a mid-range jumper with Rip Hamilton or even Toronto's own Anthony Parker. Three point shots seem awkward to new gamers coming over from 2K7 as well at first, but I now absolutely prefer the spot-up shooting behind the arc in the Live series more than anything else, at least as far as 07 is concerned this year...

And out of all complaints, I really don't understand why critics bitch and whine about the defence in the Live series. It's the 2K7 series where I can literally walk through the paint and slam a dozen dunks in a row on the competition, and it's the Live series where I actually have to fucking pass the ball in order to get a decent look at the basket. I admit that plays in 2K7 seem to have more of an effect on gameplay than anything else, or creative plays to say the least. But when it comes to pick and rolls and simple screens, the defence in the Live series just seems so much more tight than in the 2K one where I can score on almost every fucking play I call. I mean, people still do notice that 2K has absolutely no defensive stance while Live 07 still does, right? Defence was the one thing I actually liked in NBA Live 2005 and 06, and I still ain't complaining about it now in 07...

Of course, all the same bullshit that ruined the previous NBA Live experiences are still in 07, since obviously EA didn't really want to give the time of day to original Xbox users when the Xbox 360 was primed and ready to go. The announcers are still dumbass as hell, the graphical lighting in the arenas looks like something out of the goddam black and white 50's, and the computer AI doesn't know how to do anything at all properly except steal the fucking ball like an ADD kid who forgot to take his Ritalin. Online play is still slow and chopping as hell, and while the ESPN ticker on the bottom is a nice bit of integration, I would've preferred to be able to actually watch ESPN in fucking Canada, thank you very much...

Now, sure I guess it doesn't really say or mean much, to claim that NBA Live 07 is perhaps the best NBA Live game on current gen systems since NBA Live 2004, considering all the incarnations of the series inbetween have been nothing but absolute Vince Carter bullshit. But to say that out of all years, this was really the year where the gap in quality between the Live and NBA 2K series was the smallest it's ever been before? Then yes, that is saying a hell of a lot coming from me, considering I played the fuck out of NBA 2K5 and 2K6 in years gone by...

I really don't get why all the critics seem to marr and malign NBA Live 07 for all its worth, considering I ironically may even consider it to be the best overall NBA Live experience on the Xbox to date. Sure, the AI and offence is still suspect at best, and the graphics and animation is just a pure fucking atrocious eyesore at worst. But the core gameplay of the series was tweaked enough to the point in NBA Live 07, where I actually enjoyed playing lockdown D and skating across the arena for a goddam fastbreak...

Perhaps just like Vince Carter, the critics have all become broken fucking records over the years, wincing and whining and bitching and complaining...

Now sure, I may not prefer the NBA Live series over the 2K series, that much is guaranteed, but still?...

I dunno, but to me? When it comes to NBA Live 07, which in my honest opinion was the first actually fun NBA game from EA Sports in goddam years?...

... sigh... I guess some people out there just don't know what they're missing...

And c'mon, you just gotta give some props to the Live crew, for making Chris Bosh of the Toronto Raptors an actually decent virtual basketball player for three fucking straight years...

... even if EA Canada are just a bunch of poor, dejected Vancouver Grizzlies and Seattle fucking Supersonics fans...

Y2kk Update: - Electronic Arts' / EA Canada's NHL 07 Microsoft Xbox Review (Spoilers...) -

Because yes, I'm definitely still in a hockey mood after last night's Hockey Night in Canada...

Mats Sundin with his 500th goal. Scores on a top corner snipe. In OT. Short-fucking-handed.

But no matter how hard I whooped it up and cheered like a five year old at Christmas, you know what pissed me off after the game? The fact that Toronto Maple Leafs fans are just so damn cheap, that barely anyone even bothered to throw their hats onto the rink. Now sure, it's pointless in the end to toss your hard earned hats to a bunch of corporate and callous zamboni drivers out there on the ice, but still, it's the thought that counts. I would've imagined that Leafs fans would've shown at least some real appreciation for Mats Sundin and his decade of endless effort for this city of ours than just the four or five measly, worthless hats that die-hard fans actually did throw...

The same goes for sports games, really. Where's the appreciation and respect? Both Electronic Arts and 2K Sports have obviously set their eagle eyes on the prize of next generation systems instead, especially with the PS3 on the horizon. And obviously to get a head start on things, even before Sony's new behemoth comes out, both of the companies concentrated all their efforts into making their next gen experiences the best that they could be on the Microsoft Xbox 360...

The problem is, where does that leave us original Xbox gamers? What kind of shitty ass, Tucker table scraps are we left with?...

The thing is, while both NHL 2K7 and NBA 2K7 from 2K Sports disappointed me like hell this year, not necessarily because they're bad games, but rather because I wasted my money on the exact same fucking games as last year (except with new roster updates, of course)? Out of all goddam companies out there, I expected this sort of cheapass bullshit from Electronic Arts instead, which is normally the only true business out there that makes a yearly living off of mere goddam roster updates...

Ironically, EA this year though actually put some thought and effort into their 07 Xbox sports offerings, even if it was more of an afterthought than anything else. Like with 2K Sports, Electronic Arts basically just played around with retooling the graphical interface presentation and mixing up the gameplay sliders. The thing is though, even if all the changes are far more basic than anything I would've hoped for out of thirty Canadian bucks worth, EA still managed to make NHL 07 feel a hell of a lot better than NHL 06 ever did...

Now granted, NHL 2005 and 2006 were both steps way back for the franchise, as both games felt more like goddam pinball on ice than NHL goddam hockey. The thing is though, NHL 07 fixes a hell of a lot of these issues simply by improving the puck physics. It's amazing what perhaps a few extra bounces off the goalie glove can do for the realism of the game, but it really shows both in gameplay and replays how much of a better feeling this year's NHL game has to offer. While skaters do still seem to skid all along the ice with stiff animation at times, the pace of the game has been toned down enough to the point where it doesn't feel like a pure arcade Hit The Ice clone anymore, but rather a somewhat realistic sport simulator. Whether NHL 07 even comes close in realism to NHL 2K7 is open to debate, but the gap was certainly closer on the Xbox this year than any other year since 2004...

Of course, there was just so much more that EA could've done with NHL 07 in the end, that it really does make the company look like both cheap and an ass in the end. After playing the Xbox 360 version of the game, not only am I pissed off that the god-awful old and annoying announcers are still in the original Xbox version, but that the shot stick hasn't been changed either at all. Now sure, I can't say that I really do love what EA did with the dual analog controls on the Xbox 360, but even so, I'm sure that it couldn't have been hard just to port that same kind of shit over to the original Xbox, now could it have been? It would've been nice if it had even shown up as a secondary control option on the old system, but EA certainly does want to milk their so-called "innovations" for all they're worth...

NHL 07 still has a whole host of the same problems that plagued NHL 06 as well. Goalies for instance are pure dumbasses when push comes to shove, namely when they're trying to push a puck out of their crease and somehow manage to let a goddam slow-ass goal in through the five hole. The AI is still horribly inept at times as well, even on offence where normally EA used to shine. It's defence where the 2K series has always outdone Electronic Arts, and 2007 was certainly no exception. It's hard enough to just skate backwards properly in NHL 07, but when it comes to staying in front of your man and actually doing a proper poke check or pining them to the boards? Something just feels wrong about the weight and physics of each of the hockey players in this game, something that was mostly alleviated in the Xbox 360 but was left to languish back on the original Microsoft system...

But I did mention that puck physics have indeed been updated, or I simply didn't notice them before in 06 until the default game sliders in 07 had been changed and improved. Graphics as well somehow have been given a small but noticeable face lift, namely in terms of overhead lighting and reflections off the surface of the ice, making NHL 07 really stand out from the crap graphics that the NHL 2K series has had since 2K5. The announcers are still the god-awful embarrassing ones that the EA NHL series has had for almost a decade now, but the rest of the sound effects seem to all be higher fidelity to me than they ever were before, at least in Dolby Digital 5.1 surround. And while it still sucks how there's no real colour commentary during instant replays and highlights like there are from 2K Sports, it's still reasonably nice how EA at least put fucking proper instant replays into their NHL series (which is more than I can say for the past five fucking years of NBA Live)...

Basically, whether it's all just from sliders or not, I actually was impressed by NHL 07 for the price of admission. For $30 CDN, I was basically expecting just a presentation face lift and new rosters that could've been downloaded from the internet for free anyhew. The thing is though, even if it all was just a tweaking of the difficulty levels and the gameplay sliders, NHL 07 no longer feels like a goddam air hockey or airhead pinball rip-off anymore. Shooting the puck in NHL 07 feels so much better than in the 2K series now, in my honest opinion at least, if only because one timers actually take some talent to score with, and if only because the puck actually does feel like it has real world weight now as it strikes off the glistening mask of the decent looking goalies in the game...

Now, I've been a fucking die hard NHL Hockey series fan since NHL '93, which is almost as goddam long as I've even been a fucking Toronto Maple Leafs fan, but I was simply robbed of my fucking dignity by Electronic Arts' bastardized NHL versions in 2004, 2005, and 2006. They were just plain embarrassments for the series, as I had way more fun playing the old nostalgic NHL '94 included in the latter than I ever did with those three far newer incarnations of EA's so-called legacy...

I certainly expected and even demanded that after more than a decade of goddam loyalty, that I would be at least been thrown a fucking bone or hat or two for my goddam dedication. You know, just as some sort of appreciation for the countless hat tricks of years I've stuck by the goddam company and shelled out my hard earned cash...

Now sure, NHL 07 may be far from a perfect hockey game. But at least unlike the 2K7 series this year?...

Electronic Arts' ironically, was the only real company that actually remembered its fans...

... and ended off their NHL reign on the original Xbox, with what was probably their best overall hockey game on the system yet...

And oh, you gotta give them props for making Mats Sundin and Kyle Wellwood kick major Canadian ass too.

Because I was already bored to death from Occupation and Precipice last week. Why the hell would Exodus (Part 1) be any damn different?

It was completely a set-up for the next episode, an episode which I can only hope will actually be decent in the end. But even so, even if Exodus (Part 1) really had no purpose but to hold the door open for part two, did Ron Moore really have to frak things up here again with not just more god-awful anti-American propaganda with his whole Iraq scenario (nuke the colonists from space, WTF?), but also ruining what could've been the start of a beautiful friendship with god-awful religious bullshit? WTF?...

Uggh, did we really need to revisit that crap about Kamala, although this time we got pretty conclusive proof that perhaps the Oracles can actually contact the god(s). It was fine when religion was just a belief in the Battlestar Galactica universe, but to confirm that its (probably) real like that just feels goddam shallow somehow for the mostly realistic Sci-Fi series. Seeing all those damn dreams from Lucy Lawless certainly didn't help things out, as not even her naked body in a bed could prevent Exodus from feeling completely pretentious and all that other usual Battlestar Galactica crap...

I wouldn't have minded the episode so much, if only the writers hadn't continued their streak of making us hate and loathe or just plain don't care about each and every single one of their characters. Why the fuck would I care about the newly fresh-shaven Chief Tyrol, when not only does he save the bitch Cally from utter destruction, but he saves President Roslin as well? The rescue was done far too quickly and far too neatly for any good to come from it. It was like a goddam reset button the way it was done really, with how Cally hearing the gunfire in the background last week wasn't what really happened in the end. Then again, Ron Moore really does love his reset buttons, now doesn't he?...

Starbuck used to be one of the greatest characters on television today, even if she was pretty much ruined already by hooking up with fucking Anders in the second season. But now that she's a fucking house mom, not only has the bitch been neutered to death, but now we have to put up with the goddam antics of a stupid ass curly kid, hugging fingers to pretend to be cute or some shit like that? This crap is annoying as hell on fucking girl-show sitcoms, so why the fuck would it be any different in Sci-Fi? I never thought I'd say this, but I'm actually preferring fucking Anders to fucking Starbuck these days. WTF?...

Gaius Baltar seems to be having quite the tragic hero role this season so far. While I can understand where his character is coming from, considering it has all been quite a natural progression of all the shit he's been through over the past few years, I must admit that it's still just all so damn boring as hell, at least compared to the way he was before. Now, I admit that I may be alone in the universe on this one, but I really do miss the old Gaius Baltar who was self-serving and far more self-interested than goddam self-loathing. Now, he just reminds me of my own goddam pitiful self, and why the fuck would I ever give two shits about that?...

Then there was the whole soap opera bullshit between Colonel Tigh and his wife, but even that was glossed over as a minute point. I suppose I should've cared when the pirate eye patch was placed on his face, but I honestly couldn't even tell at the time that he was missing a goddam socket. Looked like a bad contact lens to me more than anything else, followed by an even worse shared condom between the both of them. I never cared for their so-called romance even back in the first season, so why care now?...

Over on Galactica, there was a heart-warming scene between the two Adama's. Or at least, it was supposed to be heart-warming, considering the producers were reusing the Celtic family music all over again. Problem was, that soundtrack completely didn't work in this scenario. Now, I guess if this had been a year ago, I would've at least argued for the fact that the speech between Lee and his father was touching at moments, that you really could feel the connection between the two of them as they saluted, shook hands and departed...

But I'm sorry, this time around? I found myself laughing at the whole ridiculousness of the situation instead. I mean seriously, Lee Adama is just too damn fat. He's too damn unnaturally fat for me to ever take seriously. He jiggles as he cries. Fucking Mcfatty. WTF?...

And WTF was with Helo being the goddam XO of the Battlestar Galactica? Has Admiral Adama really let his fleet get into that kind of worthless shit? WTF?...

At least Edward James Olmos had better material to work with here than he did back in the season two-parter premiere. It's just that, we've seen so much better from him before, namely in the first season of the show. Obviously, Lee and his jolly green giant routine ruined the whole family bit between the both of them, but that doesn't explain why I really felt nothing as the Admiral was addressing his ship and crew. Edward James Olmos put the kind of respect and pride that you would expect from such a speech into his voice, but he didn't have the kind of right kind of emotion that goes along with that kind of crisis. And I dunno, but the writers seemed to flop there with phrases like "in the universe", which made his whole speech feel far more like it was out of the original Battlestar Galactica Sci-Fi series than the modern metaphor Ron Moore is going for now...

As for the whore who pussified the great Admiral last season, President Roslin spent the whole episode bitching out Anders about the importance of Maya and her child. I really do wish that Roslin had just bitten the fucking bullet aimed at Cavil at the fucking execution site though, because what the fuck is really her logic behind all this? Why does she care so much for the Cylon child? What's the problem with just letting the damn thing die? She didn't trust Sharon with it before, why would she trust anyone with it now? It's not like the Cylons should really care either, considering that have fucking baby Starbuck to writhe in the prison of the play pen in this day and age...

Once again, the only real saving grace of the series was Grace fucking Park. I know I've already overused that pun to death, but can you blame me? She's fucking hot as hell. Why the fuck I can't just get one of her Cylon models for myself, I guess I will never know...

Okay, being hot as fucking hell sure as hell helps things out, but Boomer actually had a decent role to play in Exodus as well. Her talks with Tyrol and Anders, about her baby's ashes and shit like that, actually made those latter two characters tolerable and serviceable for a moment or two at least. The plotline was actually interesting for Sharon, as really the only moment I actually did enjoy in the episode was when she was confronted by Lucy Lawless over the fate of her dead child. Whether or not Grace Park is actually a good actress or not, she did a great job in creating suspense, intrigue and a hell of a lot of "oh shit" moments as she capped the good Cylon in the knees there not once but twice...

But no matter how hot Grace Park may be, no matter how effective that one lone scene may have been to me, and no matter whether Admiral Adama at least partially redeemed himself for the bullshit he pulled off from last episode? I just couldn't give a single goddam damn about this episode whatsoever, as it all felt like filler shit for the upcoming crap that will hopefully be decent next week...

It's a good thing that the preview for Exodus (Part 2) actually looked like a real Battlestar Galactica episode, rather than this bullshit political statement that Ron Moore has been forcing on us for the past two damn weeks...

Otherwise, it's about goddam time that I staged my own exodus from the goddam series...

Y2kk Update: - Smallville: Wither small Smallville Week in Review (Spoilers...) -

"The writers got bored of ripping off bad Marvel comic book villains, so they decided to rip off bad DC ones too? Poison Ivy, WTF?..."

Oh dear God, was Gloria one of the worst ever villains I have ever endured in my goddam life, and that's saying a hell of a lot considering all of the freaks of the week we've already been through after five goddam seasons of the show. Seriously, how the fuck could a stupid power ranger of a bitch destroy an entire alien world, yet get beaten down by Clark Kent and a tiny surge of electricity in literally five seconds flat? Didn't anyone on her goddam planet ever try the fucking electric chair or any shit like that? WTF?...

Seriously, the only redeeming part of Wither, was that Gloria was glamourously and gloriously hot and sexy. But even that couldn't save the series from yet another mediocre offering in a goddam embarrassing season, even by Smallville's usual standards. And that's saying a hell of a lot...

I mean, seriously? Seeding her spores in men? WTF is this? Species II? Only worse? WTF?...

And why on earth has the show brought in Oliver Queen? Not only is the Green Arrow one of the worst superheroes ever concocted, but the actor they chose to play the role is one of the worst pieces of drama queen shit I've ever endured outside of the goddam Star Wars prequel trilogy. Seriously, what the fuck kind of shit ass writing is this? Everyone can tell it's Oliver Queen behind the mask at a costume party, yet are completely oblivious when he's the actual goddam Green Arrow? What the fuck is the difference? WTF?...

Well, then again, this is the series where in the future, nobody can tell it's Clark as Superman, even though he hasn't worn glasses for his entire goddam life so far. But whatever...

There was literally no character in the entire show that I gave a shit about in this episode. I mean seriously, why oh why, couldn't the writers have at least replaced Lana Lang in Wither with Reese Witherspoon or some bitch like that who can actually act, and act cute? Instead, we got more teen angst from Lana fucking Lang, boasting how she was too trusting of men in her previous relationships, when all she did with Clark in the past was whine and bitch about his goddam secrets. How the fuck is that supposed to be trusting? And how the fuck is she not supposed to look like a whore wearing that goddam awful Cleopatra make-up? Who the fuck was she really trying to be? Catwoman? WTF?...

God, I feel so damn sorry for Lex. He finally laid down the law with fucking Lana, telling her to shove it where the sun don't shine (as in, her finger up his ass), and the bitch finally came in line and showed her naked body as the whore that she really is. The thing is though, how long will it really last, this good fortune of his on a Friday the 13th? We all know that he's going to go batshit evil and insane the moment that he realizes that yes, while he may not be quite evil (yet), Lana Lang sure as fucking frozen hell is...

That costume of Cleopatra was definitely dead on, as that Lana Lang bitch really is the downfall of the greatest of men. Now, I have no clue who the fuck Lex was supposed to be, whether it was Caesar or Mark Antony or even goddam Alexander the Great for all I fucking know of the intelligence of the writers. All we do know is that Lex, as sure as all those guys from history were, is and will be completely goddam fucked. Sure, he enjoys it now, but it's only a matter of time until he blames the world and hates Clark Kent for ruining his life with that goddam bitch of a whore...

Lois Lane as well was a lost cause, considering she was stuck with fucking Anakin Oliver Shitty McQueen. Now normally, this is the part where I compliment Chloe as the only real saving grace of the series. Problem is, the writers have decided to butcher her character too thanks to her goddam teen angsty relationship with fucking Jimmy Olsen, to the point where they even had the cliche Halloween horror flick moment with a dead body at make-out point. The rest of the episode was just the two of them whining and complaining and being a goddam couple and shit like that. Why the fuck should we care? Besides seeing Clark writhe in agony, not just because of all the vines sticking themselves up his ass, but also at the fact that Chloe has indeed become the new fucking Lana Lang of the first season of the show. WTF?...

And oh, Clark. Do I really need to comment on him at all? It's sad that I really have absolutely nothing to say about the lead actor of a goddam television series, but seriously? The guy ended off the episode as a fucking loner playing with his goddam fucking balls in a goddam gay barn. What a fucking loser...

He should've hit it with Gloria when he had the chance. He saved her from the Phantom Zone afterall. Shouldn't he at least get a fucking reward? Shit, I'd let that bitch wrap herself all around me, and let the sparks fly as they're shoved all the way straight up her dainty little ass...

But since that was unfortunately not the case? What else can I really do, but blame the fucking demi-gods for cursing me on the week of a Friday the 13th, with an episode that was so goddam teen angsty and so totally a complete and utter embarrassment of my time?...

Seriously, goddammit, when will my luck change? Why can't the series just wither and die already? WTF?...

Y2kk Update: - Battlestar Galactica: Occupation and Precipice Reviews (Spoilers...) -

Was it Battlestar Galactica, or fucking Battlefield Vietnam? Which fucking sucked shit, by the way...

Now I do admit, that I absolutely hated the series when it first debuted two years ago, but not because of the characters or the action or any shit like that. It's just that, Ron Moore just doesn't know the meaning of goddam subtlety at times. His first few episodes were eye rolling and pathetic as hell at being a sophisticated metaphor for 9/11 and the ensuing war on terror. A metaphor just doesn't work for me if it's not fucking hidden at all. Why couldn't he have just dealt with the subject matter in a mature manner that didn't fucking slam a fucking gavel over the fucking audience's head?...

As the first season progressed, things improved. The series became more of the prototypical Sci-Fi commentary on human existence, while still giving hints along the way of the war on terror and what's happened since 9/11. Episodes like Pegasus (even though the rest of the second season sucked ass) were simply brilliant in the way that they showed the absolute worst aspects of humanity, in a way that could be related to the war on terror but only through clever thought and contemplation. Finally, Ron Moore had learned the fucking meaning of goddam subtlety...

So what does he do, but completely fraks things up by completely resetting the goddam series in the season finale last year? And now he brings us Occupation and Precipice...

... two fucking episodes that were just so goddam eye rolling boring to me, that they didn't even occupy my interest for thirty fucking seconds...

Now, I've already watched the two-part season opener twice (an oxymoron, perhaps), and both times I seriously can't see what the fuck the rest of the critics and internet sees in the show. Occupation and Precipice have already been called brilliant as a work of art by so many damn Battlestar Galactica fans, and I seriously have no clue why. Is the audience really that damn dumb out there, that they really do have to be hit by a fucking sledgehammer to the head first before understanding any fucking metaphor in a fucking series or some shit like that? WTF?...

Just in case you're one of those two people out there who don't know what the "occupation" of humanity is meant to represent, I might as well spell it out for you. If the first two seasons of the show were based on 9/11 and the war on terror, then obviously season three is all about the occupation (or liberation...) of Iraq. Now, I don't really have a problem with Ron Moore trying to build up a metaphor for what the US is doing in the Middle East right now. I just personally think that episodes like Pegasus proved his point in a much better way than Occupation or Precipice could ever hope to achieve with their goddam suicide bombings of goddam subtlety...

Seriously, why the fuck should I care for what's his name, whoever blew himself up? He was shit in the BSG Webisodes, and he's still shit now. Why the fuck is he still bitching about losing his wife? Nora was a fucking bitch, and both he and the show are better off without her. And yet this guy, whatever his name was, just decides to appear out of nowhere and blow up a whole bunch of his fellow countrymen, just because he supposedly has no reason to live...

Whatever. Good then. The world and the show is better off without him. What a fucking loser...

Jammer was the other real star of the Webisodes that were broadcasted on SciFi.com. He played the conflicted Iraqi NCP police officer or some shit like that in this episode, wanting to save lives but in the end realizing that he's just a puppet of the Americans (er... I mean, Cylons...). He wonders why he and the rest of his team were suddenly the target of suicide bombings, when really that's not the only thing he should be wondering about. How the fuck did the guy survive when he was just two rows behind what's-his-face who blew himself up? If anything, Jammer isn't a Cylon collaborator, but an actual goddam Cylon. Which ruins the metaphor if you ask me, but whatever, the metaphor sucked in the first place...

Occupation and Precipice tried to make a good point about suicide bombings, how it's wrong to condemn people to their own deaths. I do applaud Ron Moore for the obvious stance on fucking massacring children just to make a point, if this were real life that is. But since BSG ain't real life, I personally just hated these two episodes and the third season of the show so damn much, that I seriously wanted half the characters on the cast and crew to strap some bombs to their chest and just blow themselves the fuck up. It would've saved me the pain and anguish of having to put up with all the overpretentious bullshit presented throughout the goddam two-parter...

Oh Roslin, how I hate you so. She had a couple of good scenes with Tom Zarek, how she really should've went through with rigging the election last year, but I hated her just like always throughout the rest. All her moral preachings and teachings once again got on my nerves, moreso than ever before, because at least back in season one she had a reason to be naive. In season two, she was bitching out Admiral Adama for being a pussy in goddam assassinations, and now all of a sudden she doesn't understand what it means to win (or prolong) a war? Suicide bombings may be completely wrong in my point of view, but they were a large reason why Vietnam never could be defeated by America, and why the war on global terror can never truly be won...

On the other end of the spectrum was Gaius Baltar, running as president in name only. He definitely had some of the greatest scenes in the entire damn episode, of denying all torture in American dentention cells (no matter how eye-rolling that was...) and of having a frakkin' gun pointed to his head as he signed his name, but I just can't stand what Ron Moore was beating us over the head with when it came to "puppet leaders". We all know guys like Saddam Hussein and the men behind the Taliban were put into power by the US, even trained by the CIA, to dispose of communism in the past. What both shocked and bored me to the death at the same time in this episode, was how damn obvious Ron Moore pointed out that shit by having the Cylons just casually talking about public executions and shit like that, all sanctioned by the human government. On one hand, I appreciated that BSG kept the Cylons as the true villains of the series, and on the other hand I just couldn't help but roll my eyes at just how fucking blatant Ron Moore had made his goddam metaphoric point...

I guess it's always been the BSG way though, to make sure that almost every single character on the cast and crew is hated in some form or another (or at least, that was definitely the case in the latter half of season two). I just didn't think that they'd actually reduce Kara Thrace into being some sort of "Stockholm Syndrome" type of mommy-bitch though (although at least that was some sort of improvement over frakkin' over Anders... uggh...)...

I mean, I know I normally do hate cute little kids in television shows, but even so, give me a fucking break here. Kara's daughter was just so damn "curly" bullshit cute, that I was ready to fucking send her to the Cylon resurrection chambers myself. Just break Kasey's neck already like she probably would've done to Hera a year ago, and revel in your Cylon hating ways already. And what the fuck was her bullshit with Leoben supposed to be? An interracial marriage, or just a new form of goddam torture for the audience? I know four months have technically passed as Starbuck played the role of Leoben's Barbie Doll or some shit like that, but really, giving her a child and making her a complete pussy in the end? Why the fuck should I give a shit about her anymore? WTF?...

Speaking of stupid ass children, who here actually gave a damn about Cally? Was she meant to be a protagonist or some shit like that, because by the end of the episode, I was actually cheering the Cylon Centurions on to fucking hunt her down and beat her ass. She was a bitch in the Webisodes, and she was a bitch here and now. It was supposed to be cute and tender, how she was stroking her son the way she was, I suppose. But I just can't get over just how much of a goddam jealous freak she was in season two, how suddenly she just got together with Tyrol over the goddam one year reset break, and how whiny and bitchy she was to everyone she came across in the season opener. With her at his side, it's only a goddam matter of time until Chief Tyrol decides to blow himself the frak up...

The Chief and Tigh were definitely two of the better characters in the episodes, if only for their opposing viewpoints on the rules of war, but that's really not saying much. Tyrol was ever the optimist as he was in Flight of the Phoenix, always hoping that Galactica would be out in space watching for them, while Tigh realized in bitter truth the harsh realities of war. I do admit, that some of the strongest script writing in the entire episode went to Tigh about what it means to send soldiers to their death, as it doesn't really matter in the end whether they knew they were going to die or not. The thing is though, that these two fucking characters can't act worth a damn still if you ask me. And any damn episode that centers around these two lower life form assholes of the series, is just bound to fucking suck Cylon shit in the end...

But I guess in the end, in the land of the blind? The one-eyed man... still fucking sucks...

The series has always been built upon the Adama family, but I just didn't get that old skool BSG feeling from either Lee or his father in these episodes. For one thing, I was literally laughing my arse off at Lee's "fatass". I honestly can't really tell if that's make-up he's wearing, but no matter what may be the case, how the fuck can I ever take him seriously when it looks like his fucking cheeks are going to melt off? He tried to be a whiner and complainer to Dualla about going soft (I'm sorry though, but he just can't be seem like a bitch to me when D is in the room for comparison's sakes...), and he tried to bring a tear to the eye when he was desperately trying to convince his dad to stay with the fleet. But I don't know, all I could imagine was him going "ho-ho-ho" whenever he was riding his fatass on top of Dualla. Is that so wrong?...

Edward James Olmos has always been the star of the show, but aside from The Resistance and Pegasus, he just hasn't felt like the real old man since the first season of the show. Now, I guess he did give a couple of decent speeches here in Occupation and Precipice, about his guilt and how he must be a "coward" to go back to New Caprica and beat the living snot out of the Cylons. I did see some of his old acting brilliance shine through then and there, but it just wasn't enough. Edward James Olmos was once so damn badass, that you just couldn't resist writing out his full name (like Samuel L. Jackson, really...). But after getting his pussy whipped by Laura Roslin, letting his Battlestars go to hell after the one year reset, and growing the god-awful pornstache that he still has now, how the fuck can I never really take him seriously anymore?...

Sadly enough, the real protagonists of the episode to me were the Cylons. Not because I didn't think they were evil or any shit like that, but they were the only ones who actually kept me interested for those thirty fucking seconds that I was in the two-parter...

Poor Number Six, shot in the head as her boyfriend was crying profusely like a baby. The thing is, it's ironic that the bitch who allowed the Cylons to nuke twelve fucking billion people somehow became the most human and compassionate of them all, as she was really the only one who understood what it meant to bring the word of God to the rest of the humans. Now, the reasons why the fucking Cylons would want to occupy the remnants of humanity is open to fucking debate (if Ron Moore's fucking metaphors aren't obvious enough to you...), but at least this Number Six had a decent personal reason to do so. She missed Baltar, she wanted him back the very first moment she could, and she convinced herself that bringing peace to the humans would be the best of both worlds to achieve that. I can relate to the bitch, sadly...

The rest of the Cylons though, were absolutely the most despicable examples of anti-American bullshit that I've ever seen in my life. Why the fuck did they even go to New Caprica? Yeah, I know, US supposedly had no real reason to go to Iraq, but at least there you can argue about oil and bullshit like that. Why the fuck did the Cylons ever want to bother with that useless rock of a planet though? To prove to themselves that they're better than humans, WTF? Is their religion really that damn important to them, that they actually do want to bring the word of God to humanity? Because then the metaphor is actually goddam backwards, which is perhaps why the episode felt so damn weird to me. Terrorists occupying Iraq, who would've thought?...

I do appreciate that the Cylons on one hand definitely felt like they had a real plan again. They let Tigh go, even though he was the leader of the underground resistance, simply because they wanted to use him to control and minimize the insurgency in the end. Then again, on the other hand, Ron Moore also painted the Cylons to be as goddam thick in the head as all the Liberals say about America in Iraq, as the Cylons got so damn flustered from a few rusted paint jobs from pipe bombs, that they resorted to instilling "fear" into the public. WTF?...

Now, there was really only one character that I enjoyed throughout the two-parter season opener. Or two distinct characters really, played by one single actress...

Sure, Grace Park can't act worth a damn, and she has the same kind of annoying buck-teeth that all us Asians do...

... and is it so wrong, that I find the buck-teeth to be a fetish?... but whatever...

As the Boomer on New Caprica, I found it extremely weird just how much of a Cylon she had become. She didn't even try to stop the others from frakkin' over with Baltar's mind as he was forced to sign his signature, and it's not like she risked her own life or any shit like that to save Cally. She wasn't really evil or anything, but she definitely wasn't the same Boomer we saw back in Downloaded. Back then, she was still human at heart, and yet now she wanted to occupy New Caprica to spread to them the word of God? Maybe that Cylon programming finally truly kicked in or some crap like that, as a year is a long time to be reassimilated by Ron Moore's new version of the Borg. But seriously, WTF?...

The Boomer back on Galactica was the one I enjoyed most though. Her scenes with Adama were absolutely the best of the episode, even if the writing was fucking awkward at worst. The talk about guilt didn't quite seem right to me somehow, despite the BSG music swooning in the background. But the issues of trust, how Adama seems to feel for her plight more than anyone else's, actually felt touching at one point or another...

Maybe it's just the fact that a) Edward James Olmos is The Man, and b) Grace Park is fucking HAWT as hell, but seriously? The best scene of the episode was when she was giving her oath (for the second time, really...) to protecting the colonies. Both the significance of the symbols she was now wearing once again, and the irony of what she really is and once she once was, is seriously what made her scenes of the episode into the only damn metaphor worth watching...

Because I'm just sorry, despite what all the Battlestar Galactica evangelists are saying? Occupation and Precipice were two of the biggest goddam wastes of time I have ever been forced to endure on television in my goddam life...

I'm a Star Trek fan who does love social and political commentary in his television series. But just like that god-awful episode in Enterprise about AIDS, metaphors just don't work when even a fucking five year old can connect all the dots in five seconds flat. WTF?...

I mean seriously, didn't everyone hate the season finale last year, or at least had concerns about it? Yet everyone now loves the series all over again?...

WTF is this? Some sort of Starbuck Stockholm Syndrome over the summer break? WTF?...

Because as far as I'm concerned? The only thing that these two frakkin' episodes ever really achieved?...

Y2kk Update: - Smallville: Sneeze small Smallville Week in Review (Spoilers...) -

"Lana Lang loves watching herself get naked? Again and again and again? Normally, I'd be turned on by this, but what a fucking bitch. WTF?"...

Last week, her boyfriend was taken over by an alien from another world and almost caused the end of humanity. This week, her boyfriend gets captured and fucking shot in the arm, and later risked his very life to protect her. And then how does the bitch reward him? Not even with a thank-you blow job or any shit like that, but by watching herself get naked over and over and over again on the fucking monitor screen, then bitching him out about it later? WTF?...

Poor Lex. I feel so damn sorry for him. Well, I wasn't sorry that he was maimed and tortured by that loser Sheriff from the Scary Movie flicks or some shit like that. I did feel sorry for him though, that he has to put up with Lana fucking Lang in his fucking life after the hell he went through with Zod. I mean seriously, what self respecting man wouldn't pimp slap his bitch and tell her to shut the fuck up as she was giving him "the look" and "the glare" while fucking driving and escaping the clutches of whoever the fuck was following them? How the fuck can he put up with this shit? God, no wonder he turns into a bloody hell supervillain in the end. Wouldn't anyone if they dated Lana fucking Lang?...

Was Lana Lang's supreme bitchiness this episode supposed to make Lois Lane look better or some shit like that? Sure, Lois caught my eye as she was running through Smallville in her tight fit workout top, but her acting? I know that Erica Durance can do better than the crap she was given in this episode (I must see The Butterfly Effect 2, afterall...), because WTF was that bullshit about her being the happiest ever in her life? At least the writers released how cheesy that line was by making Clark and Chloe roll their own eyes along with the rest of the crowd, but seriously? Smallville has had three years to properly develop Lois' character into an actual reporter, and only really now do they shove it in both her face and our own? WTF?...

And seriously, how the fuck dumb can she be? The way she's written, she wouldn't even realize the truth about Clark if she was hit by the goddam broad side of a barn...

Alright, so perhaps that's the way that Lois Lane has always been, even if she does seem a bit too clueless on screen for her own good. Then again, at least her dumbfoundedness does sometimes bring about a few good scenes. Oddly enough, probably the only moment I did like in the entire episode, was when Chloe was actually trying to prove to Lois that a fucking barn door flying out of fucking nowhere, was somehow a natural "weathher tornadoe" of an occurrence. Because sadly, that was the same damn explanation I would've used. Go figure...

Chloe was the only saving grace of Sneeze, as she personally has never been one to sneeze at. Her hair was absolutely cute as hell in this episode, and who the fuck can ever argue against the Chloe cleavage? It was nice that the writers finally remembered that they do have a decent character on the cast and crew, and they used her to their full advantage. They gave her little quips about Clark's breath and garlic, gave her lovely banter when it came to poor Superman having the sniffles, and who the fuck wouldn't want to fly their kite right into her smile (and a whole lot more...) by the end of the episode?...

Unfortunately, one decent character doth not a decent episode make, whatever the hell that's supposed to mean. It was supposed to be Clark's time to shine, both figuratively and literally, as the make-up artists sure did make him glisten along with the sweat of having a cold. It's just that, while Sneeze was meant to be a comedic episode, it certainly doesn't help when the lead actor isn't even the least bit funny at all. Tom Welling didn't even really seem sick at all, faking his sneezes and being too damn dumb to not just sit in the fucking Sun for half the damn day to recover. He's fucking Superman for crying out loud, and he should damn well know that trying to regenerate his body at night is not the way to keep his goddam batteries charged. Honestly, doesn't he ever read goddam comic books? WTF?...

I cared more for his mom's chicken soup than I did for his plight. Of course, normally when Clark Kent in the series temporarily loses one of his abilities, he quickly gains another to compensate. The introduction of his super-breath thankfully avoided the god-awful "freeze breath" shit that I personally could never stand from the comics, and I do admit that the effect of him "huffing and puffing" and blowing Pontius Pilate's door down was actually decently done CG-wise. But why the hell Lex and Lana never get a fucking clue that maybe their miraculous saves at the very last second just may be caused by the same fucking man who's always going around asking questions about their whereabouts, I may never know...

I also don't have a fucking clue how Clark can constantly keep using his fucking super speed in Lex's mansion without ever being caught, even though supposedly Luthor has a ton of cameras everywhere on his fucking premise. But bah, whatever. What do I know, right?...

As for the other Luthor, I tried to enjoy Lionel's performance this episode. But not only does the man deserve a bitch slapping for becoming such a pussy on the show, but I couldn't goddam help but laugh at just how far down he was dragged into the acting dredges by the goddam Oliver Twist of the episode...

Because why the fuck should we ever care about the Green Arrow, when a) the comic book character sucks ass, and b) the person who played Oliver here couldn't fucking act out of a fucking paper bag? The effect of hitting the Daily Planet with an arrow was decent, but it just doesn't work when I know I will be forced to watch yet another episode next week, staring the same goddam idiot here who sounded like he dropped out of drama class in goddam grade school. It's like watching Colin Farrell play Bullseye again, except the fucking accent has been replaced by even worse fucking acting. How is that even possible? WTF?...

Because short story short, besides the few sparse moments here and there, where Chloe was actually there to save the day from the so-called "heroes" of the series?...

Y2kk Update: - Smallville: Zod small Smallville Week in Review (Spoilers...) -

"Clark Kent gets beaten down by Dementors? Goddammit, what's next? Harry Potter kicks Superman's ass? WTF?"...

Uggh... I guess an entire summer off from Smallville made me as much of idealist as Jor'el was, because I actually had high hopes that the episode "Zod" would be goddam decent...

In the end though, when it came to the end of the world? What we got instead, was about as fucking bad as Star Wars: The Phantom Menace...

Seriously, what the fuck was with the Phantom Zone here? The writers threw long time Superman fans a few bones here and there, with the mention of 28 inhabited galaxies for instance. But why the fuck couldn't they have just made the place even remotely interesting? I know it's a desolate wasteland of a prison, but why didn't they keep Clark Kent fighting for his life there for several episodes? Why not extend the whole thing into an arc, rather than just fucking reset the whole damn thing after just five fucking minutes in hell? Why the fuck does Clark with his fucking "oh shit" looks always gets the easy way out? WTF?...

Goddammit, who here actually was surprised that by the end of this episode, Lex had lost his powers and memory, Lana had been knocked out before Clark showed off his abilities, Lois Lane was too dumbass to realize what had happened in the fortress, Chloe and Clark still didn't end up together, and the whole world after nearly tearing itself apart is suddenly perfectly okay and civilized again? Honestly, who here actually doesn't expect all this shit from every fucking goddam Smallville episode there is? WTF?...

And WTF was up with Raya? Sure, the bitch was semi-hot, but goddam was she about as goddam bright as a real residential Lana Lang. Seriously, what the fuck was the point of her goddam self sacrifice, when every single goddam prisoner in the Phantom Zone goddam escaped along with Clark anyhew? How the fuck did she help? WTF?...

Uggh... I guess an entire summer off really did make me forget the goddam perpetual stupidity ever perpetuated by this goddam series...

And goddam, is Lana ever a fucking slut. First, she tries to stab her man in the back like any good bitch would, as if a fucking poker stick would actually have any damn effect on a man who's already proven that he's fucking bulletproof. Then she goes all apeshit horny on him, striving for the whole nine yards by offering nine fucking heirs all at once. And then what does she do, but actually attack Zod again, this time with a teeny tiny knife? Her first fucking attack failed miserably thanks to his super reflexes, so what the fuck possessed her into thinking her second attack would be any damn different? WTF?...

Well, at least she got a fucking sword driven right through her palm. Yes, I laughed. Now, I would recommend that it rather be stuck up her fucking ass, but she'd probably have enjoyed that, so...

Chloe, I was hoping would actually show some potential. The thing is, how did she go from being so much in love with Clark last season, to suddenly being completely infatuated with Jimmy Olsen after just about a couple fucking hours of Smallville time? The entire episode was just her trying to look cute for the camera, as she dates X3 Iceman's twin brother for God knows what reason. Sure, it would have been ridiculously funny to watch Clark pine over Chloe for a change in any earlier season, but I'm just sick and tired of all this teen angst bullshit crap in the series. And where the fuck was the Chloe cleavage? Am I just not getting the team cleavage e-mails anymore or some shit like that?...

Do I even need to mention Lois Lane? She was unconscious the whole episode through in the fucking Antarctic, yet she didn't even seem fazed at all by fucking hypothermia. And why the fuck did Brainiac bring her and Martha Kent to the fucking Fortress of Solitude in the first place? It made no fucking sense. Considering he was the fucking big bad last season, you'd think he would've taken them to the fucking Temple of Doom first rather than the one place that could actually save their asses and save the world. WTF?...

I really don't get what was with Jor'el this episode. Was he Zod? Because you'd think so, if you realize that a) he disappeared as soon as Zod was vanquished to the Phantom Zone again, and b) he has acted like goddam Zod for six fucking years. But then again, why the fuck was he so goddam nice to Lois and Ma Kent? If he was Zod, why the fuck would he tell them about the weapon that could kill his own vessel, and then transport them both back safely to Smallville to retrieve it?...

Why the fuck did he suck up to Martha so much, about being the best shining beacon of light of a mother that he could've ever hoped for his son? Is it because the damn guy is just so horny as hell, being locked away without his bits and pieces for ages, and knows just how much of a slut Martha is to anyone she even remotely begins to goddam trust? WTF?...

Goddam, what the fuck have they done to the series? Mother Kent in this episode was just a fucking damsel in distress for Lionel fucking Luther, who used to be the best damn character on the show until he suddenly became wussified beyond belief. Is he still connected to Jor'el or Zod or whoever the fuck was using him as an Oracle? Who the fuck knows? Does anyone even care? And isn't it all just sad that old man Luthor kicked more Smallville ass at the beginning of the episode than Clark Kent ever fucking managed to achieve? WTF?...

There was only one damn scene that I enjoyed in Zod, and that quite frankly was the big time action scene. For once, the Smallville writers actually made the series feel like an actual extension of the Superman comics, by having a truly epic battle that was only broken by a) Clark Kent being a completely battered wuss, and b) the fucking cheapass, styrofoam rock that was fucking split in half. Though I guess, the only real problem with that battle was that the ending was a complete goddam cop-out. Seriously, how the fuck was Clark supposed to know that the thingy that Raya gave him would trap Zod in the Phantom Zone? Did I just miss the Jor'el-Secretary e-mail CC's in the Kryptonian office about this shit or some crap like that? Where the fuck was my notice? WTF?...

Now, I will give Michael Rosenbaum all the credit in the world for doing the best he could as Zod, but that doesn't mean he still wasn't goddam shit in the role. Maybe it was because the whole Zod storyline was wrapped up in one fucking episode here or something, but I just wasn't threatened by the man who destroyed Krypton whatsoever. I mean seriously, first he pines over Lana fucking Lang of all bitches, then is dumb enough to destroy his only indestructible ship and stop his only unstoppable computer virus, just so he could reprogram a goddam weakass Pentagon satellite that probably even the International Space Station could take out if they wanted? WTF?...

What the fuck was his plan, to make New Krypton? What the fuck kind of dumb ass shit did the writers steal that idea from?...

[c. visitors too bored to return...]
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