An IvanF, IVT, No-Name Whiner, HomePage Production... September 2003: IvanF's No-Name Brand Website...

- NoName.Mycrowsoft.com - "Where do you want to Crow today?"

- Tweakui.Mycrowsoft.com (IvanF's Software Tweaks and Dweaks for PCs) - ( Mirror )
- Download.Mycrowsoft.com (PowerVR, Matrox, S3, nVidia Hardware News) - ( Mirror )
- Office.Mycrowsoft.com (Archived Webpages from Past IvanF Updates) - ( Mirror )
- MSN.Mycrowsoft.com (ATI, 3dfx, Intel, AMD, Via, ALi, SiS Hardware News) -
- Support.Mycrowsoft.com (IvanF's No-Name High School Online Courses and Projects) -
- Cows.Mycrowsoft.com - IvanF.Mycrowsoft.com - Development.Mycrowsoft.com -

- Welcome to IvanF's IVT No-Name Brand Website -
- boring everyone who comes online since May 5th, 2002 -

Y2kk Update: It was kind of sweet, actually... and kind of nerve-wracking as well, considering I never get calls from girls... Now, it's not what you think, especially considering it's not what I was hoping for either. It's just that, my brother's birthday was coming up at the time, and one of his friends called so that I could do my part in her precious little surprise for him... isn't that sweet?... well, sort of... The thing is, my brother has been frothing at the mouth - quite literally actually - for the 2004 incarnation of EA Sports' NHL hockey series since he bought NHL 2003 the first day it came out. And considering my brother hasn't exactly kept his passion for the EA NHL series a secret amongst the Greater Toronto region or whatever kind of crap, I wasn't really surprised when one of his close friends from university called me a couple weeks ago, to get me to stall my brother from getting the game, so that his friends could get it for him...

And awwwh, shucks, how sweet, right?... and the end result was sweeter than Sweet Home Alabama, I guess. My brother never knew what was coming when he was handed NHL 2004, just minutes before he was going to leave to buy it. So all in all, he was happy, and I was happy that he was happy, right?... well, sort of... The problem was, I was given the assignment of making sure my brother didn't pick up the game first day. And considering there was an one week gap between the game's release date and his birthday, I quite honestly took a lot of unwarranted abuse from my brother in the process of progress, whenever I kept making up lame excuses as to why he shouldn't buy the game and crap like that. I told him to wait until it was cheaper or something. I told him that he can't have NHL hanging around when he has second year university or whatnot (not that that excuse ever works on me, of course). I even told him that I'd buy the game for him considering he was strapped for cash... but I'd buy it only on the day of his birthday... and although my brother claimed several times that I was being a pain in the ass, considering he had no clue whatsoever that I was trying to help his friends, I guess it all worked out in the end... because my brother got his precious NHL 2004 for free. And I?... well...

The thing is, my brother wanted NHL 2004 for sure. That was without question... the only thing is, he doesn't feel like bringing his Xbox to residence, if only because the only TV in his dorm suite belongs to somebody else who would end up playing his Xbox more than he ever would... So in the end, he left the Xbox here, at home, and he left NHL 2004 with it, to play with his buds whenever he gets back... and, umm... that means... umm... It's his game, without question. And it was a gift for his birthday from his friends, no doot aboot it... but, umm... although I feel half guilty for saying this, I... ummm... as far as I'm concerned, those two weeks of pain and punishment from my poor, beguiled brother, was all worth it... because the only one in the family playing the EA NHL series right now... is me... yours truly... I may suck at it, but's it's all mine... my precious...

But is that necessarily a good thing? That's the real question I still have on my mind... the thing is, my brother was frappacinno frothing at the mouth for one reason and one reason only: all he wanted, was NHL 2003 with better graphics, better manual deking, and updated rosters. That's all... and in a sick sixth sense, that's all I wanted as well... As he would say, we're both EA Sports corporate conglomerate, whipping boy slaves... We're the guys that condescending, internet forum wisecrackers keep mocking for being so damn stupid for paying $60 of our hard earned money just for updated rosters each and every sports year... But there's a reason why my brother and I wanted NHL 2004 to be almost exactly like NHL 2003: because we've loved the EA Sports smashmouth, arcade-like system ever since we first picked it up in NHL '94 (although I wasn't a fan of NHL '92 or '93 before that, if only because there were no one-timers or Dougie G on the Leafs...). If it ain't broken, don't fix it. And the NHL series is by no means a broken record... Though yes, I know... although it was plainly obvious that NHL 2003 wasn't the most perfect hockey game around, I will honestly and earnestly say that my brother and I had more fun with it than about 99% of the games on the market today, yesterday, and probably in the hereafter tomorrow... or maybe even the afterlife... I loved all the massive hitting, especially after the whistle. I loved all the one timers and crazy dekes you could do with just one finger. I loved the fact that you could just speed across the rink in just a couple of seconds, and skate backwards all the way back into your own zone before your opponents can ever get the damn puck on a shoot in. And hell, even I liked the horrid announcing in that game, as painful of a brunt that it was to bear... Because I didn't care what any damn critics said about the series getting stale. I loved my EA Sports NHL 2003 just the way it was. I didn't want it to change, and neither did my brother.

Which is why we were given such a damn shock when we first tried NHL 2004, only to find that... well... uggh... it played more like Sega's NHL 2K3 (which we hated by the way... except for all those crazy types of mind-numbing shoulder checks...) than it ever resembles any previous incarnation of the NHL series... I mean, when EA Sports hired the Vancouver team that did Sega's NHL 2K, I got worried a bit, considering the last thing I wanted to happen to the NHL series was for it go simulation on my arse... But after all the glowing previews from all the critics who had played the game at E3, I started getting cocky, and hell, I even started getting Cockney, with the idea that maybe, just maybe, the EA NHL series would stay just as addicting as it's always been to me, while adding new features to compete against Sega's rising ESPN series...

But God, was I an idiot, for actually believing the critics!... for believing the same damn critics who curse and bark at every damn NHL game that's arrived from EA in the past... Because goddammit, critics don't care for fun games anymore it seems. They only care for innovation. They only care for the New Kids on the Block, while they were still new... They only goddam give good marks to games that feel new and fresh. And yes, I do the same. I only give top marks on this site to games that get top marks, but at least I admit when they're fun, as I did with NHL 2003... And goddammit, why the hell did I believe the critics, knowing all this, when all I ever wanted in my NHL games was the same damn game I've had since 1994?... the thing is, in NHL 2004, I was disgusted by how damn slow the whole game felt, even at near maximum gameplay speed. I was horrified by how awful the passing system has been redone, even with passing assist near full foobar. I was petrified by how damn Sega-like the goddam shooting in this game has become. I mean, one timers are sometimes harder to score with than damn slapshots from the point in this game, which is as anti-EA-like as I ever could've imagined. And goddammit, even the sound of pucks rebounding off goalie pads in this game is the same damn, exact sound that I hated from the NHL 2K series on the Dreamcast... And checking? Oh my God, the checking? Except for boarding, I can't honestly believe that the checking in an EA sports hockey title has been dummed down to the point where poke checking is almost goddam favoured. I mean, sure bruise control becomes quite a powerful ally once you get the hang of it, but where's the beloved NHL '94 feel where you simply speed up to bullet train speeds until you ram your stick through your opponent's arse, no matter where he may be on the ice?... And the manual deke? Although I never liked manual deking in the first place, I sure as hell know that my brother loved it in last year's game. But in NHL 2004? God, thanks to the changes in the dual analog controls, my brother can barely deke past the computer anymore on even medium difficulty, although for some reason, he can do it on difficult... And Jesus! Or Jebus, or however you want to goddam spell it! Even the announcing in this game feels so much damn more boring than it did last year. Sure, the colour commentary in NHL 2003 was embarrassing, but at least all the groaning I did kept me awake, which is more than I can say for this year's new announcing team... The damn thing is, almost everything was changed from NHL 2003 to NHL 2004, even the camera angles it seems (which are now oddly too distant to be of any use). And although video game fans who never touch sports games, simply because they're not revolutionary enough like art or whatever kind of crap, can cheer all they want that EA is finally putting some innovation into their video games, I for one am shamelessly embarrassed that EA Sports actually felt the need to compete with Sega in terms of how damn realistic their sports games can be... All because EA's Madden sold better after both online and more realistic aspects were added to the mix, doesn't mean I want the same damn things to happen to the sports games that I actually do play. If I wanted a simulation game, I would've went to Sega... but as both NHL 2004 and the new NHL Hitz Pro have demonstrated, competition is not always a good thing... it sometimes leads to what the minority wants, not what I want... when it ruins my dreams of nostalgia, at least...

But not all is doom and gloom from the little man, IvanF, at least. Because as pissed off as I still am that NHL 2004 is nothing like the past ten years of hockey games from EA, I will completely admit that I've grown to like, and possibly even love, the new "realistic" game that's been made. For one thing, fighting is now actually fun, as the final blow in a longwinded, gladitory battle now gives me the same kind of satisfaction as an overtime win did in NHL 94... The dynasty mode has me hooked as I expected it would, as I've become obsessed with playing every single game in the seasons to make sure I earn as many GM experience points as possible, even though I got sick of having 2-1 games all the damn time long time ago... And even though I now cringe whenever I always get the goddam puck stolen off of me (even though I always could blow past 3 defenders at once in NHL 2003 with just Mogilny or someone), I must admit that the AI in NHL 2004 is a lot more fun to wipe the floor with than in any NHL game beforehand. Considering the only surefire way to score in this game is with a close wrap-around (and the only other ways to score are really good one-timers and slapshot pure luck), I really do feel invigorated whenever I beat the computer in a close game, if only because this game now actually serves a purpose in challenge (although the game is strangely easier on Difficult than it is on Medium... go figure...). And lastly, the game is a hell of a lot of fun, perhaps even more than NHL 2003, when it comes to multiplayer games. While in NHL 2003, I could win with just one timers, and my brother could win with just manual deking, we've now been forced to play against each with actual hockey techniques, like dumping the puck and setting up on powerplays. Although I doubt I'll ever like that pinning on boards crap from NHL2K3 that's now found it's way into EA territory, and although I seriously don't get why they removed backwards skating from defencemen, I must still admit that using some technique and strategy in an NHL game for once is actually quite refreshing as the critics acclaimed... I just wished they didn't change the whole game at once, that's all...

To be frank, I've fallen in love with NHL 2004. And I've fallen in love with the fact that I've essentially gotten the game for free, albeit with some language languish and anguish on behalf of brotherly miscommunication and misinformation over ICQ... but in the grand scheme of things, considering how much of a Leafs fan I am (although I pale in comparison with most other people in town), NHL 2004 simply doesn't rank high on my list of hockey games. On the top of that list is NHL '94, which can simply not be tip topped, no matter how good a game may be, unless it has Dougie G with a 127 point season in it or some crap like that... Second would either come NHL '95 or NHL '97 for the computer, as both managed to exceed their Genesis and SNES brethren in every way. And third would be my beloved NHL 2003... for providing me with more fun than even my precious, precarious Zelda did at times (well, maybe more than the worst parts of Wind Waker only, but that's it... and I digress). And after NHL 2003 and NHL 2000, and way before NHL 2K2 and 2K3 (even ESPN hockey on the SNES beats the latter in my opinion...), will finally come NHL 2004... for showing a lot of promise. For showing a lot of potential... but still... I can only hope that EA Sports hires a good coaching staff in their real dynasty mode at least. Because I'll be seriously disappointed, as hypocritical as this may sound, if the NHL series doesn't change, evolve, and innovative from here on in, at least... The series wasn't broken before. But though I may sound like a broken record in saying this, it sure as hell is bruised and bandaged now...

Anyhew, I've already wasted enough time on Xbox reviews that nobody will ever read... So out of pure boredom, I think I'll start a new trend: the IvanFian Smallville week in review. And here's a tip... unlike all my other reviews, I'll keep the review real small, considering I've hated Smallville since the very first episode I saw (early second season, I think)... so without further adieu, here is the first ever 'IvanFian small Smallville week in review' review:...

... and you can quote me on that... but in more serious news, the season premiere of Angel aired this week. And the thing was, maybe I've been blinded my nostalgia or something, but the great writing that defined such fourth season episodes as Soulless, Orpheus, and Home, somehow seemed... well... soulless, in the season premiere of yesterday. I mean, sure each character had their respective, respectable lines. Wesley got to get jealous of everyone's favourite vampire-psychologist-turned-human-plague-sociopath, but besides that? All he got to do was wield a gun... and it wasn't even his beloved shotgun! If anyone can manage to get a shotgun into a court room, it's Wesley... but he didn't this time. Where's the love? Where's the Feng Shui (which by the way, was probably the best joke of the episode to me, considering I'm Chinese and sick of that mystical shit...)?... Gunn had his moment to shine, figuratively at least. In previous seasons, he glowed thanks to the lights gleaming off his bald head. But now that he has hair? I don't know, something just wasn't right with him... and I know that was the point, considering he just Matrix downloaded a bunch of law stuff into his brain. And considering his brawn just became Wolfram and Hart brains, but still... his own lines just weren't up to his usual snuff, I say. Although I guess he hasn't really had any memorable moments since he last punched out Wes last season... Lorne was hilarious as always. But is it me, or did he have much better parts in episodes before he become a series regular? I mean, I may have loved his comments about Mary Kate and Ashley, and the singing-signup-sheet-for-evildoers was pure comical gold. But these days, it just feels like he gets tacked onto episodes or something simply because he is a regular, sort of like Dawn was always just there in Buffy the Vampire Slayer... although I can't really complain about Lorne, now can I? Everyone loves Lorne, except if they hate jello and puppies (grr... argghh... I hate puppies...)... And Fred? Well, she was meant to have some really significant lines. And I did laugh at a few of them, although I'm not sure whether I chuckled more from her little phone entrance or that god-awful poster of the Dixie Chicks in the science lab background... The thing is though, she was given really commanding lines to shout out at her little troop of workers. She even had a whole speech, outlining that she's the boss or some crap like that. But c'mon really... although I'd love if someone that vixen beautiful bossed me around in a lab, the truth of the matter is, she simply didn't have the kind of conviction she needed in her voice. She felt hollow really... although trust me. If she ever asked, I would fill her up in a heartbeat, if you know what I mean...

Angel, besides his awful looking hair, definitely had his moments. The looks on his face when Wolfram and Hart showed up after his maiden rescue, and when he was staring in disbelief at the phone from hell, were both cheesy faces as hell. But they were effective, nevertheless... And his chemistry with Harmony was great, especially the twinge on his lips when he learned of the secret ingredient of Otter, even though I felt like Harmony had too many lines to stay interesting... He also had some decent moments with Eve, who would've looked hot as hell to me if only she didn't look like an Alias to Jennifer Garner or some clone crap like that... And my favourite moments of the episode by far? First, it was definitely the guyness in Angel's expression when he saw all the cars. Last year in Home, it was about HDTV. And this year? Well, I would've picked the black car on the left for sure, but he's an old timer, so I'll forgive his taste... and secondly, was the death of the Wolfram and Hart commando team leader brutal or what? I mean, it already seemed like Angel went evil around Home or something, messing with his son's head through magic. But honestly, he kicked a man's shotgun right into his face! I mean, even as Angelus, he didn't do that to shotgun Wes. It's like Old Man Kent whooping on Whoopi. Wasupwidat?... Overall, <insert episode name here since I for some odd reason can't remember it> was a decent premiere effort, but it seemed to have inherited the blankness and hollowness that blanketed the Buffy writers from season five and on. Either that, or it was simply too much of an introductory episode, with nothing really going on... The only thing that was really worthwhile to watch in those Buffy seasons though (besides the trio that I loved but everyone else loathed) was the coolness factor of Spike... and what do you know? Blondie bear is back! I mean, hell, he didn't even have any lines in <insert episode name here>, and I was already balling from laughing from the reactions to his mere entrance... Spike truly is Mutant Enemy God... or the mutant enemy of a god or some crap like that. I can never decipher which...

But while Angel disappointed me a bit with its season premiere, it was definitely made up for with Rajin, this week's episode of Enterprise. I mean, sure the critics can pander the series for its sleezy cheesiness all they want, but I personally love how the writers are showing no fear when it comes to... well, being sleezy slinky, actually... Hell, it's obvious from this episode what's going to happen between Trip and T'Pol for the rest of the season, considering T'Pol's emotions probably got all thrown out of wack from everyone's favourite trojan horse (who doesn't use Trojan condoms, thank you very much)... Now, I've already read some scathing reviews of just how damn dumb this episode of Enterprise was in terms of sexcapades, but goddamit, I don't care! How in the hell can critics possibly say that lesbian mind control through alien sex craft can possibly be bad for any series, I may never know?... because goddammit, yes, I know Smallville kicked Enterprise's ass in ratings last night, but do I give a damn? Hell no. All I've ever wanted to see in a show, was one girl feeling up another against her will... I hate to use the word rape, considering how damn offensive it is to most women, but I'd be damn lying if I didn't say lesbian rape by making-the-girl-as-horny-as-possible-until-they're-begging-to-be-raped, didn't turn me the hell on... I'll always remember one moment in high school, when someone asked my crush whether all guys get turned on by lesbianism. My obsession at the time widened her eyes to the widest point I've ever seen, as if she was saying, "Are you ****ing retarded? Of course they get turned on, like rabbits on light switches!" (or as if she was turned on by lesbianism too or some mushu crap like that)... and the thing was, although I wouldn't have put it into those words (although I just did I guess), I knew in my heart back then that at least for me, she was telling the truth. Because when I saw last night just how damn happy Hoshi got from getting so goddam hottie horny?.. God, I had this sick, sly dog smile on my face for the rest of the night... hell, even T'Pol getting feeled up half naked couldn't compare to the idea of Hoshi going up and down in an elevator, I prematurely shit you not...

But yes, I know. I'm sick. So help me God... but I'm only telling the truth. That's my job here. To tell my truth. And the rest of the truth?... well, I'd be lying if I said Rajin was a great episode for anything besides its lesbos merits, but it definitely does stand on its two feet. I've always liked the idea of a trojan spy, and the idea worked pretty well with the firefight in the end, as I was almost as interested in the MACOs getting their asses whooped by superstrong Xindi as I was with the Borg walking really, really, ridiculously damn slowly around Enterprise last season. It's just too bad that while the Reptilian Xindi look better than ever, the bug species still looks like crap, and the set of the alien market looked like something right out of that horrible TNG Farpoint pilot episode or some crap like that... As for the characters, Trip was great as ever, getting his head bashed in by a girl... he always gets to be so damn lucky... Hoshi I've already mentioned, she being ambiguously gay - I mean, happy and all... Mayweather was there, I think. Once again, nothing out of the ordinary... Reed got to fire a few weapon blasts. But he didn't even get to toss a stun grenade, nor were his bits and parts scanned, so I know he wasn't satisfied... T'Pol got the worst end of the sexy sleeze stick I think, but I really do think she and Tucker make quite an item, as they have been since Broken Bow... Phlox didn't get to say much, but I remember the comment about Rajin's eyes. And he certainly did have his Denobulan charm when was scolding Archer for scratching at his alien scars... and Archer himself? He didn't get to play as commanding of a performance as he did in Anomaly, but he put up a good fight nevertheless. He looked both strong and weak at the same time, winning Rajin in a street fight one moment, and helpless to stop the Xindi the next. I can't say he ushered any momentous lines though, considering he looked confused as hell during the dinner scene. His acting confusion definitely worked a nice cold fusion with his night of scratching at least, but I digress...

The critics can rip Rajin apart all they want, but I really couldn't give a damn. The episode showed more than enough potential to keep my hopes up for the rest of the season. There's now a running arc for perhaps the first decent Star Trek romance since Riker and Troi (and no, I didn't like any of the relationships in DS9). There's a running arc where Archer is loosing his humanity ever so slowly, even if it means a lot of scratching to get there... There's a running arc where Enterprise is still simply no match for the Xindi, let alone all the anomalies tearing apart their ship. And there's running arcs for Malcolm, Mayweather, and possibly lesbian Hoshi, such as... ummm... okay, the last stuff I said wasn't true, but everything else is. And really, this is what the critics demanded for last year, isn't it? Continuity, outside of the Q continuum You never would've seen lingering scars from an alien spore infiltration on Voyager or even DS9, although nothing can match the psychological damage done by the Borg to Picard... And really, when was the last time Star Trek had a character as cool as the mad chemist alien, who reminded me a little too much of the mad scientist from Lilo and Stitch, actually, but that's besides the point... Rajin represented almost everything I like about Enterprise, including, yes, the lesbian touchy-feely scenes. Critics can spout all the arcane principles they want, but I know what I like... I know what works for me... the only thing I am afraid of, is whether Enterprise will be canceled before its fourth season or not... because I know sleeze can only sell for sneezes at a time...

So here's hoping... and here's to EA dynasty mode coaching potential or some crap like that... I love you Enterprise... beat up Old Man Kent for me, and come home...

Y2kk Update: Okay, this caught me off guard this morning... Rumours (and confirmations, I guess) have been spreading across the internet for the past few months now, about Nintendo being the first console company to try to break into the Chinese market. I mean, there's been obvious reasons why Nintendo nor Sony has bothered with the Chinese mainland in the past ten years or so... one is obviously piracy, and the other is the half-mistaken belief that the people of the so-called People's Republic of China wouldn't have the money to buy top tier systems... But considering the Nintendo Gamecube's price was just dropped to $99 US and $139 CAN the other day, I was sure that the big N would surely announce the Mandarin release of the Gamecube at the upcoming TGS or whatever show, considering a similar or lower price has just got to be within the Chinese markets' pricing range... the thing was... well... Nintendo already made an announcement, long before TGS or TGIF or whatever, as of last night... and the thing is... ummm... they are entering the Chinese market... but with a product that I never would've guessed...

Enter the iQue... which is essentially, the N64 and the long forgotten N64DD put into one... the system will retail for $60 US in China, and apparently, the Chinese will be able to buy games for just $6 each by downloading them from retail store online outlets into Nintendo propriety flash cards or some crap like that... Now, the thing is, I can completely understand why Nintendo would make such a decision, to scrap the Gamecube for the old N64, on most levels at least... The N64 hasn't really been seen in China yet except through emulation, so $6 games might be enticing to the public, provided that the games are still new to their eyes and that everything is translated into Chinese for them. And considering Nintendo is still waging the console wars in Japan, Europe, and hopefully, North America (they've basically lost everything in Australia, not like that wasn't their fault, so...), I can see why they would only translate old N64 games into Chinese and not Gamecube ones, considering N64 dev kits and teams would be infinitely cheaper at this point in time at least... but the thing is... first of all, China isn't that poor... Yeah, the country contains about 600 million farmers or something that we would consider below the poverty line. But that leaves about the entire population of all of America to fill in the gaps, am I right?... Because just in cities like Shanghai and Beijing or whatever, there are literally tens of millions of people who are more than rich enough to buy $1000 US computers, so why not sell the Gamecube there?... I'm betting that Nintendo is simply afraid that piracy would become a problem for the Gamecube, simply because the Chinese will do everything in their military and civilian power to find a way to get their Nintendo games for communist free, as if every day were Counterstrike day... because it's true, yes it's true. I know very well firsthand, that we Chinese are cheap beyond belief, and more than just cheap... we're also smart, and alas, I'm sure not even the Gamecube's piracy protection would last long in a place like Shanghai (although it has somehow held its Alamo own in both Hong Kong and Japan, but I digress)... But here's the real kicker: apparently, Nintendo will sell the N64 iQue in China... because they think that it'll prevent piracy... ?... and, um... well, although at least the iQue will prevent people from buying Nintendo games off of CDs for ten cents each, except for their computers, I honestly don't see Nintendo's binary logic in this manner... I mean, how the hell are games that can be downloaded off the internet and fit onto a little flash card supposed to be pirate proof? Encryption will be cracked in less than a day, as the Gameboy Advance was months before it was ever first released. I'm sure that piraters will be able to forge fake Nintendo flash cards, if only because they've been doing the same thing with NES, SNES, and N64 cartridges for decades now. And honestly, what will really stop Chinese users from taking their flash cards to their computers and trading with friends online using some sort of PC interface?... if the iQue is meant to prevent Gamecube piracy, I'll understand... but the press release states that the iQue is meant to be pirate proof in itself, the logic of which still eludes me to this day even as I write this... even though, um, I only learned of this today, so... nevermind...

But oh well, AOL, what do I really know?... all that really matters, considering Nintendo wasn't expecting to make any more money off the N64 anyhew, is that they can make a cheap buck by at least selling their system to the masses in China and hoping that they pirate for it... and God, are there masses in China... and who knows? Even if the games never sell, as long as the system makes it off Shanghai shelves, we might see iQues in places like Brazil, India, and Pakistan, places where the Xbox and PS2 simply cannot get footholds thanks to all the rampant piracy... I mean, the only real beauty in the iQue, is that Nintendo really won't be taking much of a financial hit by producing for it. It really isn't a risk. The only real remaining problem is... honestly, how do they expect to get the old N64 to compete against the likes of Halo PC, Doom 3, Half Life 2, and whatever kinds of computer game crap that the Chinese can buy for less than a Canadian buck off of almost every single street corner?... Nintendo has a dream. But I thought that dream would involve the Gamecube somehow, at least... if only to sell an extra 50 million consoles to pretend like they're the winners of the console wars somehow... but like I said, what do I really know? The only dilemma I really should have is... I've been a NES fanboy my whole life. I've been a SNES fanboy for almost as long. I'm still an N64 fanboy, as I take the ol' system out of the closet now and again just to delve back into memories. And right now, I'm the biggest (and only) Gamecube fanboy that I know... the only question left on my mind therefore is... well, I'm trying to stay a fanboy of all Nintendo console systems. But I guess the dream of loving the iQue, along with the N64DD, the BS-SNES, and the Famicom Disk System, will simply have to stay a dream...

Anyhew, enough with the completely useless console news ravings and rantings for now. The thing is, I didn't update this noname site last week, obviously because I barely had anything to write... except that I did want to write, because it was such a damn rare occasion... Now, there's been great episodes of Enterprise before. Broken Bow Part 1, Shockwave Part 1, and Regeneration all come to mind... but those were all hyped up to be high caliber episodes long before their aired... I've never really felt anything for an Enterprise episode that wasn't hyped up in the first place... Which is why I really, really, ridiculously did want to write last week, because for once, just for once, I was caught off guard and swept off my feet... Enter Anomaly, which was simply such a damn good episode that it's already a candidate in my eyes for best episode on television for the new season. First of all, I couldn't get enough of just how damn good all the special effects were in the episode. From the cup seemlessly floating in space (with Matrix effects almost equal to that of the original Matrix), to the bridge being overrun with ripples through the bulkheads, to the awesome effect of the Enterprise ripping its way through the cloaking field, to especially the cool factor of the enemy pirate ship scratching the surface of the Borg Sphere or Death Star or whatever you want to call it that they stole... Everything was done amicably in this episode in terms of presentation. The music in the scenes where the Enterprise was boarded rivaled the series' best from Regeneration. The make-up done on the captured pirate's distorted face looked more realistic than alien make-up has to me in years. And simply the green tint of a glow from the Xindi computer data at the end was enough to get my skin crawling, if only to entice me in the hope that future episodes in the Xindi arc will be of the high caliber of presentation that Anomaly just somehow ended up to be... so really, the only question left for me was, whether or not Anomaly will just end up being an anomaly in the quality of my favourite current series on television...

Because Anomaly was just so great, not just because of the special effects, but because almost the entire crew got memorable scenes. Phlox didn't have much to say, but the sight of his smile while eyeing his leeches reminded me of the best of moments from A Night in Sickbay... Mayweather didn't get much to do either, but at least he looked like he was actually invested and interested in his work while piloting towards the 19km wide sphere... Malcolm unfortunately didn't get to shoot many people, but I loved the intent in his eyes when that MACO threw that stun grenade of his, and his brief moment of grievance for the death of one of his men definitely added a darkness and edginess to this episode that Trek series have been lacking since the end of Deep Space Nine... Hoshi was as invisible as the massive cloaking field was for most of the episode, but she truly did get to shine in the final climatic moments, as she definitely looked key to the battle as she hacked away into the piraters' computer mainframe... Trip Tucker had his token moments of course, and even got to be a hero, as even I screamed "Nice!" at the television when he instinctively used the busted warp reactor as a defensive shield in engineering (he just loves his Die Hard moments, now doesn't he?)... T'Pol wore more conservative (though not conservative) clothes than last episode, so it was much easier to take her seriously as least, even though she surprisingly didn't have much to say in Anomaly. And Captain Archer?... this was perhaps the first real episode of Enterprise I've seen (and I've seen them all) that truly makes the man look like a captain... Picard always had this thing where he would take real charge while exacting revenge, sort of like his alterego of Captain Ahab did in that little Moby Dick movie of his. And Archer had that exact same Shakespearean, epic feel in this episode as he was sealing the prisoner in the airlock. I'm not saying that a captain has to be evil in order to be taken seriously... but he definitely has to do what must be done to get the goddam job done. And he did it this episode. In earlier episodes, I always just admired him for his friendship with Trip and his horribly humourless humour in certain episodes... but if Anomaly is any indication?... well, he was already higher than Captain Janeway in my book at least. Let's see when he can take out Captain Sisko with his bare brawn hands, now shall we?...

The thing is, like I mentioned earlier, I was afraid after watching Anomaly that the episode would simply be an anomaly in the series, that "Star Trek - Enterprise" as the screen credits now call the show, would not be able to maintain the great momentum it had from Regeneration and The Expanse from last season... and believe me, I was rolling my eyes when I first read the description of this week's episode of Enterprise, Extinction. I mean, I have never liked a "crew turns into aliens" type of episode before. Hell, I rank the Voyager one where Paris and Janeway turn into Warp 10 salamanders as perhaps the single worst Star Trek episode I've ever seen in my entire life... but despite its cheesy as hell premise, I was honestly entertained by Extinction from start to finish, and that surprised the hell of a Genesis out of me... because somehow, even though these types of plots have been already done to death a thousand times fold in Star Trek alone, with Extinction's director (Levar Burton) starring as the chief victim in probably the best of the mutation series, everything felt fresh in Extinction somehow, although I know I'm probably just looking at the show with green coloured and biased, misty eyes... There weren't any really notable special effects to speak of this episode, but the make-up done on Malcolm, Hoshi, and Archer, especially the gill bubbles or whatever those were on their cheeks or chins, surpassed even the make-up I accoladed up above about Anomaly... and, well... now, critiques will either love and laud at the computer generated alien city on the world. And although I admit that it looked almost as good as CG cities did in the new Star Wars movies, I must admit... that I really hate CG generated buildings... they just look so damn fake thanks to wrong dynamic lightning, that I really wished that Enterprise would just build little scale models like The Next Generation did and shine on them little light bulbs that blink... But still, I do recognize all the hard word the CG specialists did to make that city scene, especially when they transformed the billowing city of people into a city where billows of wind simply breeze past ancient ruins... but still... for people and cities, CG sucks...

As for the actors? The critics can say what they want, but I loved Trip Tucker in this episode, just as I do in just about every single other episode. Yes, the first scene of the show was rather embarrassing to watch, considering I'm not a fan of the Kirk syndrome of always taking your shirt off. But being ticklish myself, I found Trip's insecurity about his feet rather funny, and somehow, I did find it rather adorable when he handed the peaches to T'Pol as a sort of emotionless kiss and make-up. And although Trip still doesn't seem like bridge material to me, the look of horror on his face when mutated seabass Archer didn't even recognize him anymore, reminded me of the best moments of their friendship that really hasn't been told onscreen since the first season... meanwhile, Mayweather got nothing to do this episode. No problems there. Moving along... Phlox didn't have any key lines that I can recall, but he certainly had his moments, considering the episode dealt with a nasty disease worse than the Borg. Most of his parts were about medical technobabble as usual, but he did certainly somehow portray a lot of intimate meaning in his eyes when he was talking to Archer about destroying the last of the virus. I couldn't tell if he agreed with Archer or not on the captain's decision though. Although if I was Phlox, I would've just screamed, "Are you insane? The civilization died for a reason!... Thanks to me, you let an entire, living civilization die to a genetic disease in the first season! Why not now? WTF?"... but that's besides the point... and as for the mutated freaks of the week, as if I was watching Smallville?... Malcolm to me was the best of the bunch in making himself seem like an alien. Now, he didn't really look that different from his usual self, but he somehow managed to change his accent so damn much that I couldn't even recognize his voice. Unfortunately, he then got zapped by his favourite weapon, then really wasn't seen for the rest of the episode. But at least he got to pull a Suliban and leap up a tree for some ambiguous monkey loving, so... Hoshi was the worst at disguising her voice. But her real acting beauty shone in the way she simply bobbed her head side to side and stood in little alien slinky poses. Her motions were simply so alien compared to her normal Hoshi the Hottie self that if you didn't look at her face, you might've sworn that this Hoshi was being played by a guest star... And Archer? Well, he was the worst of the three amigos in acting alien, but perhaps that was done on purpose, considering he still seemed like he had an affinity for T'Pol, as if he still recognized her... not like any man could ever forget her though (although Malcolm ambiguously seemed to... hmmm...), as T'Pol chooses to wear catsuits to alien worlds rather than EV suits. She personally did a good job in this episode though. It did get kind of annoying after she kept whining to her captain that he actually was her captain. But still, Blalock has a great way of conveying both emotion and logic without any real emotion somehow, whenever she's given the chance to be concerned... and besides, even if she wasn't able to deliver all those lines of hers with the natural poise and grace that she did, at least I'll always remember the sight of her disgust when Archer was willing to share his food...

And that's the thing... Extinction on paper sounds like such a bad episode, with Archer and Malcolm fighting over larvae in eggs one moment, and then suddenly being cured after a few seconds in Warp 4 at another. But somehow, if only because Levar Burton has a lot of experience with these kinds of episodes, and if only because I loved the scene where the infected alien guy saw the flamethrowers shoved up his ass, I found this episode sure as hellfire entertaining as hell, and that was more than surprising beyond belief... And on paper, Anomaly seemed no better. And yet in reality, I was more than thrilled to find that my damn preconceptions were proven to be vastly wrong... and that's what Enterprise needs. That's what the writers promised to deliver. That the third season will not just be of high writing calibre, but be full of Delphic Expanse surprises as well. And if anything, the last two episodes have shown to me a real new hope, and a real new Death Star wannabe... that even if you just recycle old plotlines, that you can somehow just add enough twist and enough spices to truly make the series feel more sweet than bittersweet...

... and mmm... I love the taste of a new coat of paint... and trust me. I know first hand. Paint tastes sure as hell sweet...

Y2kk Update: I know that it's been a long time removed from the North American blackout that would be Martin Luther king, but still... there's still one thing bugging me about the whole thing... After the blackout finally ended, and I was finally able to get back to my Shenmue IIing ways that I was so damn involved with before the whole damn ordeal began, I noticed something... after saving a game again in Shenmue II on the Xbox, the thing was... the date was all wrong... of all damn things, the damn date on the calendar was all wrong... I immediately went back to the Xbox main menu dashboard, only to find all our damn settings had been Mr. Resetti resetted, and the damn console thought it was living out its 2002 glory days all over again, when Xbox fanboys thought the system would actually outsell the PS2... After fixing the date on the Xbox (which I was quite frankly shaking my head at, considering PC bios batteries can store the proper date for months or even years at a time without any damn power), I went over to my Nintendo Gamecube, all ready to rumble and reset the date on that system too... when lo and behold, what do you know? But that the Gamecube not only maintained the proper date throughout the whole two day blackout, but was able to still update its clock by the second thanks to its bios battery throughout the whole damn week... and yet new Xboxes are about 40% more expensive than Gamecube consoles why?...

Certainly not for the games, I'm afraid, even though the Xbox certainly does have a burgeoning list of bourgeois, critically acclaimed titles (obviously not from Acclaim...). Halo is obviously one of them, and that game still stands as the only Xbox game that has so far ever earned an Olympic Gold Medal from me. The only other game that I've actually like for the Xbox was Shenmue II, but considering that was originally a Dreamcast game, it hardly can be considered as something that truly takes advantage of the power of X... But considering I loved the Shenmue series so much, and especially considering I had never liked a Sega made game before in my entire life? Well, it enticed me enough to think that maybe, just maybe, Sega's move from hardware to software actually did amount to something in the world of video games, even though Shenmue II was being produced long before that decision was ever made... So I decided to do the collector's thing and pick up the first cheap copy of Panzer Dragoon Orta that I saw at a local Microplay. I mean, for just $30 CAN, how could I possibly go wrong with such a critically acclaimed game, am I right?...

And yet sadly, against all odds and against all logic, something did go wrong... something, absolutely, dismally, went wrong... I mean, it's not like I hate the game, or that I hate the genre... though I admit, there's only been one rail shooter that I've ever liked in my life: Star Fox 64 for the N64. There was just something magical in every single twist and every turn the Arwing made, even though the game was a little too damn short for its own good... But the thing is, Panzer Dragoon Orta seems to be missing all the freedom that even a rail shooter like even the original Star Fox for the SNES seemed to have. Panzer has the added element of enemies attacking from the sides and the rear of your dragonmare and everything, but the problem is... Except when the camera is exactly aligned in front or behind your dragon, you goddam can't move! And even when you can damn maneuver on screen, your dragon glides so damn slowly in every mode but the glide mode, that I even kept goddam losing against the first damn boss... I mean, I like rail shooters, but only when the dodging part of the game is far more important than the shooting part of the game. And considering all I ever did in Panzer Dragoon Orta was simply stay in the glide mode, hold the firing button down, and use boosts to avoid all the stupid missiles that would hit me no matter how hard I dodged, I can't honestly say that I found Orta to be the grand, end-all-experience that some Xbox and some ex-Dreamcast fans seem to think it is...

That's not to say that it's a bad game. At least I can say the Panzer Dragoon Orta series is my second favourite rail shooter series of all time, considering all other series have stunk... And at least I can compliment the game on its aesthetic values. I mean, I never found the first stage in the game to be beautiful, considering it was too damn dark to provide any lighting effects that I cared about. But the second stage, except for the jaggies that seem to show up on my television at least, is one of the most beautiful scenes I've ever seen rendered in real time on an Xbox (although it still pales in comparison to The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker and some scenes in Metroid Prime for the Gamecube). And the boss battles, although less than exciting at first, are pretty inherently voluptuous themselves. The level of detail on the first boss alone is enough to scream eye candy, and just the movements of later bosses like the manta stingray thing really showed that Sega really knows how to take advantage of console hardware, given time... except it seems, they weren't given much time with this game... Because is it me, or is it that after the second stage, every single damn level is so damn devoid and barren of scenery and decent looking bad guys, that it looks like they thought no-one would ever bother getting past the second stage of the game in the first place? And is it me, or are the sound effects goddam redundant in this game? At least in Star Fox 64, you had horrible voice acting to take your mind off the monotony of constant weapons fire. But in this one? Maybe my Japanese just sucks or something, considering I don't know Japanese, but I rarely ever hear anything but the damn humm of my dying dragonmare because I goddam can't avoid any of the goddam missiles that I don't shoot down... And the play control? I've already complained about how slow the dragon dodges, rendering anything but glide mode impossible to use in this game, but I'm betting that that was Sega's point. But I can still complain then that at least on my controller, the boost and brake buttons don't always work in time, probably because my reaction times are so damn slow, but still... And as for the dragonmare mode changing thing? I hate how it's all assigned to one button. It simply takes too damn long for me to switch from battle to glide mode and back in the middle of a firefight, so I don't ever bother to lest I get blown out of the sky. Panzer Dragoon fans would probably just attest that that's all part of the challenge of the game, but for me? It's all just part of the monotony of the lifeless botany of every single stage except the second...

Short story short, Panzer Dragoon Orta is a decent rail shooter, but considering all I can really compare it to off the top of my head is Star Fox, it sadly pales in comparison to everything I've ever really known about the genre (although yes, I have tried other rail shooters... but I must've blocked them out of memory or something...). I mean, it's just a good thing that the game lets you unlock secrets from playing time, otherwise I'd have no reason to keep this game anymore - I'd never get past the boredom and tedium of trying to actually beat the game with skill... but still... It's graphics are amongst the best seen on any console, and at least the plotline of the game (as stupid as it gets by the time you learn the truth about the girl Orta) is more involving than anything Star Fox has ever yielded. But besides that, you're left with as barren and coreless of a game as the latter stages of damn Panzer Dragoon Orta were. It was almost as if Sega and Smilebit rushed this game to the finish line, selling it as if the first two stages were meant to be a graphics demo for an Xbox E3 showcase or something, and then tacked on more levels simply to sell the game to whoever was left drooling at the first two stages... Panzer Dragoon Orta is definitely not a bad game, and sadly is still one of what I consider to be the best games on the Xbox. But that's not saying much, considering the only two games I like on the system are Halo and Shenmue II (although I'm willing to give Otogi and Knights of the Old Republic a chance)... and unfortunately for Sega, Shenmue II (and F-zero GX, if you're one of those zealots who consider it a Sega game) will have to remain the only Sega made games that I've ever thought were decent in my entire life...

Anyhew, enough with the depressing stories of napalm breathing dragons taking over the world, although Reign of Fire was surprisingly good (the movie... not the game... ugghh...). Just in case somebody who reads this site actually cares about the series I write about, the season premiere of Star Trek Enterprise finally and firmly aired this Wednesday... although I'm goddam bitter that I don't get the show on Tuesdays anymore... I mean, I was bragging about it to all my friends at university the other day, even though they all hate the Star Trek series with a passion. I couldn't help but boast that because I get Satellite TV, I get Star Trek Enterprise episodes a day early on the A-Channel or some Alberta beef crap like that, and that everyone else was relegated to CityTV crap on Wednesdays... but when Tuesday finally came around, what did I find but lo and behold, that goddam A-Channel must've been sued or something by UPN or somebody like that... because my beloved Enterprise was replaced by goddam Smallville in its spot, and now I'm forced to watch my precious Enterprise on the ASN Atlantic Channel on goddam Wednesdays like everyone else... Suffice to say, I was embarrassed as hell when I had to tell all my friends the truth about Charlie the day after. And suffice to say, I had lost my zest for the Enterprise fest that I was going to throw the night that the series returned...

I guess my disappointment in channel arrangements might've left a sour taste in my mouth when the Enterprise season premiere actually did air, because quite frankly, The Xindi was a disappointment of an episode. I mean, there was really only one thing that I liked, which was the cool effect of everything in the mines being covered in trillium dust. But besides aesthetics and the art deco of alien worlds, there really wasn't much metal gear substance to the show... The characters haven't changed a single bit I see, which both has its positive and negative setbacks and kickbacks. Archer started off the show with a horribly rendered speech about the past six weeks, and besides the sight of his waddling in alien sewage systems and his inability to care what the platinum was for, he didn't really do much that I cared for myself... Phlox, after getting so many damn episodes to shine at the end of last season, pretty much seemed like an idiot in the season opener when he wouldn't get off T'Pol's back (but who wouldn't?... oh, nevermind...) about the therapy that neither T'Pol nor Tucker simply did not want... Hoshi got a moment to shine with everyone's favourite Gavin (IT'S GAVIN!!!!!!!!). The two should get a room or something, as long as it isn't filled with toilet paper and Beasts, at least... but besides that? Was she even in the episode? And Mayweather? He was in the shuttle, right? Did he do anything else? Well, it's nice at least to know some things will never change... Malcolm got a stereotypical moment with the MACOs or whatever those soldier guys were called. It makes sense that Malcolm would start feeling inferior to guys that would obviously remind him of his father and former friends, but his new inferiority complex wasn't explored enough for one episode at least... but there's always potential... potential for some real ass kicking in the Star Trek Enterprise: Elite Force game they're bound to make, now that the MACOs have phaser sniper rifles that are sadly better than anything the The Next Generation staff of the Enterprise ever seemed to have...

The only two characters this week that actually did shine were Tucker and T'Pol, with T'Pol shining literally... I mean, what the hell was she wearing? It's like the writers of the show realized Jolene looked her best in those slinky night shirts she wears to bed, and then made her wear a mixture of those and a catsuit in different colours on the bridge, just to lighten things up and hopefully raise ratings... And why the hell did she have to get naked at the end? Believe me, I'm not complaining about the bare breasts themselves, but honestly! All Trip did was touch two damn vertebrate on her neck, so why the hell did she have to take her shirt off?... and besides her obvious new sex appeal, T'Pol didn't really have much. But at least the sound of a Vulcan orgasm as Tucker simply tapped her neck, was enough to make me forget most of the rest of the episode... but Tucker? Besides that awfully cheesy cutscene of his sister getting ripped apart in everyone's favourite Florida, I will honestly say that he was the only character that seemed new, redefined, and worthy of the Trek name this episode. He certainly had his moments, from grabbing the Xindi by the throat, to the sheer look on his face when he had to reach down into the sewage systems, to the brilliant nervousness he put into his voice when he obviously thought T'Pol was looking a little nice under the covers... those two crazy kids should certainly get a room, after Tucker and Archer fight it out over her at least... In the end, The Xindi left me with faith in the heart (although I hate the new rendering of the theme song, especially since I was finally started to like the old version) that Tucker, Malcolm, and maybe even T'Pol for once will have compelling story arcs this season. But as for the rest of the crew? As for the rest of the season long story arc?...

The twist at the end of the episode, that the Xindi homeworld is already gone, did leave me with a To Be Continued feel to the episode, which is definitely what Enterprise needs to draw in the modern fanbase of 24 fanatics (since 24 fans is all Enterprise seems to have these days)... And the idea of five species within the Xindi collective is rather brilliant, although the Xindi bug looked like the damn Prayer Mantis lady from Buffy, and although I really do feel like the writers should've kept everything but the reptilian Xindi a secret for now, if only to build suspense... and I also found potential in the anomalies of the Delphic Expanse, as the sight of the cargo bay gravity mishap was far more enterprising to me than watching Archer get captured in the series for the umpteenth time... But in the end, strangely enough, The Xindi ended up the worst season opener of any Enterprise season, not that there's been many seasons mind you. But it did give me a new hope in the series at least, simply because for once, I was left wondering at the end of an episode about the central plotline of the season, rather than when certain characters on the show will ever get more than their token lines or two... and besides, it's nice to see Gavin (GAVIN!!!!!) reborn after just two hundred years or so thanks to his Wolfram and Hart and former UPN contracts, but I guess that's besides the point...

PS - ... sniff sniff... my cable internet is gone... this Y2kk Update is officially the first update I've uploaded now that I'm back to dial-up... it's just that, even though I've never been a fan of Cogeco cable internet, I will miss the tomato store convenience that it brought to my dreary and impotent summer existence... Sure, I'm not sure if convenience is worth the 450% price increase over dial-up services, but still... sniff sniff... it's the thought that counts...

Y2kk Update: Holy, rusted, friggin' buckets of crap... Now, I may not say this word very often... or then again, I probably say it all the time... But F-zero GX for the Gamecube is truly a game that deserves it: ...

... end quotation... Because goddammit, I did it! I really, frickin', goddam did it!... Fzero GX has been making the rounds on the forums for one reason and one reason only: it truly is a game for the elitist of hardcore gamers, because godammit, it's one of the hardest frickin' games to come out in years... Sure, you can take the game easy, and simply play through the GP modes on Novice and Standard. And those were my mere initial expectations from myself as well... I mean, I've never been good at any real Fzero game, so to speak. I could never beat the original on anything higher than standard. Hell, I couldn't even beat Fire Field in that game on anything but beginner level... And F-zero X for the N64? My brother was good at that. He beat it on Expert... I could not... but you see, as much as I tried to love both of those games, and as much as I recognize all that Fzero did for gaming today (it not only started the futuristic racing genre, but revitalized the entire racing genre on console systems altogether), I just couldn't love the series nearly as much as did Mario Kart... I've said it a million damn times on this website alone, but I'll say it yet again: I am no racing game fan, not even when it comes to Fzero... not even when it comes to Fzero X...

Because goddammit, I did it! I really, frickin', goddam did it! I know this game ain't impossible, but seriously, I thought it was impossible. It felt impossible. And for me, it is still impossible to beat with any car but the damn custom car I've been using... The net has been making rounds with the "Frost Lynx" or some crap like that (although the Energy Wing is getting attention as well). And I tried that car - both cars, actually - they could barely get me past the middle stages on Expert, let alone the latter... but it wasn't long after that I tried a few combos of my own, and when I added Black Bull as the captain of my now beloved "Photon Phantom"?... God, the car handles better at 1200 km/h than the Blue Falcon does at friggin' 950... hell, with it, I even beat the Master racers in one stage of the second cup by more than 15 seconds... and yet still, Master difficulty seemed so damn far out of my grasp! Sure, I was able to ram through the Jack or Ruby or whatever you call it cups on just the first couple tries, but after losing about twenty frickin' times on the King Cup on Expert or whatever you call it, I knew that there was little to no hope for me, that I'd ever truly be considered a master at this game... and yet no matter how futile my chances seemed, something about this game just sucked me in like the suction of an engine. No matter how many damn times I lost in the third cup on Master difficulty over the past two days, even with my beloved Photon Phantom (which could best cars in expert mode without even boosting), I never gave up. No matter how morbidly depressed I got, no matter how damn hard I fucking swore swear words at the television screen, no matter how many damn times I threw my controller down in a heap of car junk, only to pray that I didn't destroy whatever blessed goods were inside?... no matter how many damn times I lost to that damn Twin Nor-whatever-crap car that somehow always makes it to the top tier (and the Red Gazelle was annoying as hell as well...), no matter how many damn times I thought to myself that I had friggin' lost track of how many damn times I had lost traction on that damn half pipe Lightning track?... no matter how dismally grim the outlook was for me, of ever unlocking those AX tracks that just a couple days ago, seemed like nothing more than a dream... the thing was... there was just something about this game, that wouldn't let me put it down. No matter how damn frustrating it got, it got even more damn frustrating that I just couldn't put the damn game down... It was like a drug. But what was more like a drug, were the drugs... drugs to ease the pain... and the thing was... God, you should've seen me! It was so damn sad!...

... dammit, I actually started crying in joy when I finally beat the damn Emerald cup on Master... I literally couldn't sleep that night, as the adrenaline from victory was still rushing through my veins at 2000 km/h... and after that, the rest of the game was damn easy... in comparison, at least... I beat Diamond Cup next (by 75 points, no less) within the next five tries, and I beat the Queen or Sapphire or whatever you call it cup on just my second time around... and then it was mine. It was all goddam mine! The AX tracks in all their glory, and a lost musical friend that I had been bitching and screaming about since I first got this game... and now I'm satisfied. God, am I ever satisfied, as if I've just had a night of long, intense, hot bitch sex... Sure, I have yet to beat the story mode on even normal difficulty. I just unlocked the seventh stage, and I only beat the fifth stage and below on hard difficulty. And yes, I am a wuss, because after going through the hell of Master difficulty, I can honestly say that there is no power on earth - I repeat, there is absolutely no power on earth - that can make me go through the story mode on very hard difficulty... even F-zero GX isn't that good to sucker me into that one, and I blame Sega for that...

Before Fzero GX arrived on North American shores, the infamous internet forums were ablaze with the most prithy, pithy and pitiful of fanboy rants and debates (much like this review of mine, actually...). The thing is, the new Fzero is the first ever collaboration between Nintendo and Sega, the two companies I never would've dreamed to see together in bed within my lifetime... And the thing is, on the internet at least, Sega fans seem more blind and delusional than anything and anybody else. I can't even begin to count how many people have actually claimed that they think the Dreamcast is still the better system over anything out today, and I can't even begin to count how many people defend Shenmue, Panzer Dragon Orta, Otogi, and hell, even Jet Grind Radio as the best damn games ever made, period... And on the other flip side of the coin, are Nintendo fanatics like me, who really do witness the charm and magic that only a Nintendo game can ever bring, even in their "flawed" ones (as most of the internet say both Mario Sunshine and Zelda: The Wind Waker are...). So we all had an orgy of a dilemma... Who do we credit for Fzero GX? Obviously, Sega fans chose the Amusement Vision side, claiming that they designed the game, programmed the game, and therefore made it the god that it is today. Of course, then we Nintendo fans would retaliate, and show quotes from the Sega staff themselves that reveal that Nintendo at least designed all the characters, all the cars, and all the tracks for the game. Not to mention the fact that they already designed the entire "feel" for the game (turning, drifting, side attacks, etc...) in Fzero X for the N64... Eventually I, at least, came to a consensus. Just like with movies, in which the director and screen writer get more credit than anyone else on the production staff, I have to give the end Fzero ticket credits to the Nintendo staff, for having the vision to hire Amusement Vision in the first place. And as for Sega?... well, as the mere programmers of the game, I can't help but liken them to producers, who never get any real credit for films, unless their name is Jerry Bruckheimer... So I decided: as an honest and impartial Nintendo fanboy, I would attribute everything good in this game to Nintendo... and for everything that goes wrong? For everything I'd hate?... it'll be all Sega's fault, naturally...

But a miracle happened on the internet as soon as this game came out. The forums ceased to argue, as if the Red Sea had parted waves and parted them their infantile ways. And what replaced this void in the online realm, was for once... just for once... content, hardcore gamers... They weren't bickering any longer about who actually made the game what is is today, whether it be Nintendo or Sega. But on the contrary... they were actually, simply playing the game, and writing all around the clock of how damn enjoyable it was... It was miracle. A ceasefire miracle... either that, or an early Labour Day vacation for the online world, but I digress... And to be honest, at first, I wasn't convinced of Fzero GX myself. When I picked it up on Thursday I believe, the first time I popped in this game and played through both Novice and Standard, I couldn't help but think to myself, that this game somehow felt hollow... it was boost this and jump that... to the point where, hell, it felt like a Jerry Bruckheimer movie for Christ's sakes... and unless you're talking about The Rock, that's not normally a good thing... Sure, the 3400 km/h speeds that I reached in the air literally took my breath away, and artificially extended my penis length I do believe, but besides the mere novelty of it all? There were simply too many glaring flaws with the game... There was no two-player GP mode like I'd always hoped would end up in an Fzero game one day. Instead, I was forced to play against just my brother and two other friends in the multiplayer mode, which was fun, granted, but not nearly as intense as taking on a pack of goddam thirty cars... and dammit, I miss the generic cars from the first Fzero game! Where the hell were the goddam generic cars that blow the hell up for no damn reason on the goddam roads?... I also found the music in the game to be atrocious at best, at least at first. I mean, except for the remixed Mute City theme and the new Aeropolis music, every tune in the damn game felt like generic Sega GT crap all the damn way... eventually though, the Fire Field and Lightning track musics started appealing to my ears, if only out of sheer desperation and default... but that wasn't the real moment when I finally just realized to myself, that somehow, just somehow... I had somehow fallen in love with this game...

It was when I was playing the second story mode mission - that was the exact moment... After ridiculing how damn piss poorly the CG movies were done (although the cartoonish animation is now starting to grow on me... sort of like a chia pet...), I got all revved up to race the hell out of Samurai Goroh for his stupid car that I've never wanted, when... just when... my brother and I both stopped, in the middle of the road, in the middle of the goddam race... and just listened... just listened... because it was just so beautiful! Goddammit, after all our complaints... after all of our bitching and complaining... after all that we had ignorantly claimed... after all of our prayers... goddammit, the damn Red Canyon music from the original Fzero was back! It was finally back!... I don't care how illogical this may sound. But as Mr. No-name Nostalgia, I just loved this game from that moment on... I loved the controls, as they are more responsive and somehow more simple than any other racer out there on the face of the planet. I love the graphics now, as shallow as they seemed as first... I love the animation, as the silky smooth frames per second that never dips, gives more of a feel for a need for speed than any other game I've ever witnessed in my life (to the point where even the one second loading times in Fzero GX seem too damn long...)... and hell, it was only after I had heard the Big Blue remix on the 4th story stage, that I started realizing how damn majestic the rain was in the Lightning stages, and how damn cool of an effect it was to see all the flame particles whizzing right past your cockpit in Fire Field first person mode... It was only after I started falling in love with my precious Blue Falcon all over again (after it sucked like a turd in Fzero X), that I realized how damn igniting and invigorating the sound of enemy booster blasts were, and how damn revelling it was for me to blast right back past them with a burst of lightning from the arse of my ass...

God, if only I can put into words how damn satisfying it is, to beat your rival in a race by just .005 of a damn second, or how damn hard you jeer, then cheer, when you get blasted into smithereens right before the finish line, only to topple your way to first place by default... But if I could put it all into words, Fzero GX simply wouldn't be the game that it is today. It supersedes words - hell, it supersonics words - in ways that only the eyes, ears, and reflexes of sheer lightning quickness can experience... Now, there's obviously flaws in this game. For one, the story mode on even normal is so damn hard, and the GP mode on Expert (let alone Master...) is so damn frustrating for most, that it even turned away my brother from the game, even though he was the pro in the household when it came to Fzero X... I realize I beat all cups on Master after only owning the game for just four days. But considering how many times I had to retry each goddam stage to get it right? Considering the game should only take a couple goddam hours if you actually get it right?... and, well... The game also feels weak in multiplayer. I wish it were online, even though lag (even on T3 lines) would probably kill any fun in boosting past an opponent within the last .005 seconds of a race. But Sega really should've put in a LAN option (for future Gamespy tunneling, at least), or at least given us the option to have 16 cars or something in a multiplayer game... Another flaw in Fzero GX is the rather generic track designs (which I guess, I have to blame Nintendo for). With the exception of the two Aeropolis', Mute City Serial-whatever, and the last three tracks of the Emerald Cup, most of the stages are just ovals or annoying straight-aways that really don't show anything that the N64 couldn't muster back in the good ol' days. And the music? WTF? Although I love the story mode music, and although it was so damn satisfying to actually earn the Big Blue music myself, I must say... that all of us, my brother and his friends, were screaming "WTF?" at the game for getting rid of both the SNES Big Blue and N64 Port City tunes at first... and they're still swearing, even as we speak, considering this game won't let them get a copy of my memory card save if they ever do buy the game... I'll laugh in their faces if they ever do, as I watch them squirm and scream, although I'm not too sure if that sounds too good...

They're still screaming now. But I'm not. I'm not squirming... I'm not swearing... because goddammit, I'm finally smiling... and quite honestly, I haven't been this damn satisfied with a game since I last sliced my blade into Ganondorf's cranium, or even since I did my little Degeneration X dance in front of the Mario Sunshine screen, as sad as that is to say... because as a single player experience, Fzero GX can simply not be put into words. Except perhaps the most offensive words in the dictionary, considering over the past four days, I've died and repeated the same damn Emerald Cup so many damn times, that I've literally made for myself a damn bald spot on my damn head... and yet somehow, I loved every single, goddam minute of it. I normally just toss away games that frustrate me to hell, and yet Fzero GX simply called to me like a Siren of the Big Blue seas, and somehow, just somehow, I never put the damn game down... I can't put into words what exactly makes this game as damn good as it is, whether it be the sheer novelty of driving at over 1500km/h on solid tracks, whether it be the mad rush I get everytime I hear a blaze of enemy cars creeping up on my ass... whether it be the obsession I have with testing out every damn configuration for every custom car out there, whether it be the joy I experience every single damn time I bloody hell knock five or ten damn idiots off the road in the Diamond Cup... whether it be the wobbiness and weakness at the knees I feel every damn time I boost and tilt and twist my head until it damn hurts on a swirling track... or whether it be the mere ecstasy I realize, when I realize... that for the first time, both the Nintendo and Sega logos are on the television screen at the same damn time... without picture in picture and two systems whirling in the background, at least...

Because in the end, I know why the forums finally shut their traps for once when they finally got this game within their folds. Because somehow, just somehow... it doesn't just have the Nintendo magic... and it doesn't just have the Sega magic... it doesn't just have a wondrous mosiac of a melody of both classic styles from two classic gaming companies... but it also has that classic Fzero magic, which I personally thought was lost in this age of gimmicks and graphical novelty... Now, I may have said this a million times fold on this website alone, but I'll say it again, because it's true. It's damn true... Hell's bells, truth be told, I don't like racing games... I vehemontly, more than hate and loathe, every single goddam racing game...

Yet I love Fzero GX... and why? Because it's millions of miles and miles per hour beyond anything and everything else... and to hear myself say that? For anything else than a Mario Kart game? For any damn game with racing as the Ford goddam focus, period?... maybe I'm only saying this because I'm so damn smug and proud, of having four damn, friggin' stars above all five, goddam cups... but still... even so... there's only one word and one word alone that comes to mind...

... quote the Ivan. Nevermore... because it all sounds like so much goddam fun, now doesn't it?...

[c. visitors too bored to return...]
... best viewed in Internet Explorer 4 at 800 x 600 resolution, because that's what I still run at ...