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Y2kk Update: - Smallville: Gone small Smallville Week in Review (Spoilers) -

Wow... I just squared off against absolutely the best damn telemarketer I've ever been annoyed by... The thing is, this guy was good. Real good. He had the perfect phone voice (and not the phony type of phone voice), and he actually was supposedly behind a good charity.// Apparently, he worked for my provincial police force in keeping juveniles behind bars and protecting the children of victimized families or some crap like that... You know, something real important sounding to get the best of your guilt. Something so damn "pure", that you really can't help thinking what the real scam is...

The thing is, he didn't just have the voice... He was pretty damn convincing too, if only because he seemed so damn confident of himself... After about three minutes of his incessant (yet understandable) rambling about the future of our nation's children, he said he would put me down for a $45 sponsorship, to arrive at my home in a few days... and in my eternal, spotless sunshine of a confusion, since I was watching Smallville at the time, the only thing that came to mind was...

That's when he 'corrected' himself, claiming "alright, I'll put you down for the $35 sponsorship then"... And since I still didn't have a clue what was going on, all I could think of to say was, "umm... I don't have to do this, right?..."... The telemarketer kinda froze there for a second, obviously taken back by the fact that I was so damn bad at getting rid of him... He eventually recomposed himself though, and simply stated, "okay, the $15 sponsorship it is"... But that was around the time a commercial break finally hit the WB airwaves. I finally realized what the hell was going on, and taunted and retorted, "I'm sorry, but I'm just not interested"... That's when the bastard finally left. But I gotta admit it - for a telemarketer, he was pretty damn good... he almost had me at hello...

... combine a sexy girl voice with his kinda of wits, and then you'd have one poor sap of a donator over here...

... and speaking of saps... Oh, Smallville... the show is just so damn sappy and sucky, that the only thing I ever look forward to... is obviously what all you two readers look forward to too... because you know what I'm talking about...

Hey, Terminator 2 is one of my favourite movies of all time, just below The Rock and everyone's favourite Parent Trap... So what the hell was wrong with the freak of the week this episode? Hasn't Smallville ripped off enough bad villains yet?... And worst yet, he was beaten back by goddam pepper spray? From Lana Lang of all bitches? WTF?... Lana Lang at least looked rather damn beautified in Gone. Her hair was far more jazzed up than you'd ever expect from a high school girl away from prom. And her clothes definitely looked more sultry than anything she wore last year somehow. So I guess getting possessed by Clark's biological mom, does more than just increase the Oedipal ick factor of the show... But unfortunately for us, her goddam Lana Langified tendencies were not gone. Her damn "awkwardness" with Clark had me rolling on the floor in pathetic laughter. And her moments with Jason? Oh God, that bastard better turn out to be evil. Because that's the only way the show can justify how many damn times I hit my head with a wrench over his goddam awful lines... The only Lana moment that I did enjoy this episode, was when she was sort of mocking Clark for having a crush on Lois. I mean, I thought it was too early in the show to really clue in the one viewer out there, who doesn't know Lois ends up with Clark. But Tom Welling's reaction was simply priceless... poor boy seemed so whipped at little Ms. "Bossy"...

Gone was a better episode than Crusade at least, although that certainly ain't saying much... Once again, Lois Lang provided the only real strong performance of the episode. She certainly is headstrong and sassy, and yet she can be emotional without getting me to hit my head with a goddam brick. Her mere one second mention of her mother dying of cigarettes and cancer, was a hell of a lot better writing than the Smallville guys have done in a very long time... I can't say they should be proud of Mr. Sam Ironside Fisher as her father though. He was pretty pointless to the plotline, except to fly around in a helicopter looking badass with the cliche cigar... But still, both he and Lois had their moments with Clark. Because truth be told, Tom Welling ain't so bad when he's actually acting like an adult rather than the high school student he just can't play... I do love his chemistry with Lois. Although at times, it's overbearing (like the shower scene), as he takes his shirt off more times than even Spike did on Buffy... But the poor bastard really does look flustered whenever he's dealing with Lois. He can't seem to handle her, and ends up looking all dazed and confused in the end... which was exactly how he played his role with Lana as well before, only this time it's actually intentional... I think...

Jonathan Kent had surprisingly few lines, considering he just came back from a coma. But the look he gave that cigar he wouldn't touch was reason enough for him to be back on the show... Chloe finally made her return, although being dangled in the T2 factory and then having a touchy, feely lesbian moment with her cousin later (we can only hope...) didn't exactly constitute a momentous return. I seriously didn't like the explanation for her 'death' though. I mean, last year the explosion happened right after she entered the house. And now it happened something like ten seconds after? What kind of lameass bomb is that?... Lionel didn't have much of a role, besides the shortest murder trial in the history of mankind. And why the hell was he stabbed to the sound of bad music anyhew? Though it will be a bit interesting, to see how he rots (or not) in jail, while Lex becomes the villain of the show... And Lex himself? Well, the only thing I really care for, is if he'll ever get Chloe or Lana or whoever. Because I was kinda disappointed, that he didn't really show a sign of evil this episode. I mean, Clark was more cliche badass than he was... Still, I do wonder where Luther's character arc will go this season. We all know it's his time to be the bad guy. But I just hope his descent to hell actually makes sense, since he still really seemed like a cigar smoking puppy dog in Gone...

So yeah, there's my small Smallville week in review for you. Except it ain't really that small... but don't expect a real hobbit of a habit out of this. With Star Trek Enterprise finally coming back next week, the universe may finally be resetted in the right Rosetta direction, for the first time since goddam Angel was canceled and gone off the air...

... yes, I am still bitter... and hell, I didn't even like the show, but I digress...

Fable has been perhaps the most fable of a myth in the history of the video gaming industry (second only to Duke Nukem Forever, that is...). Fable was overhyped by Xbots to God knows what kind of ungodly levels, as the end-all, be-all of all role playing games... Hell, considering so many people out there considered Fable to be the absolute second coming of Halo or some crap like that, I'm surprised they didn't title the game as Fable: Role Playing Evolved, or something whimsically rhymy like that...

The truth of the matter is, Fable was just that. A fable... How many years was this game in development? Four, maybe five years?... How many years was it delayed? Two, maybe three? Wasn't it supposed to be an Xbox launch title or something?... And yet this is what finally made it to the gaming store shelves? This shadow of a game, that can only be called Fable 0.5 at best?... I mean honestly, WTF? WTF was Lionhead Studios doing all this time? Fiddling away at their thumbs, as they made a completely laggy, buggy, and as much of a linear game as possible?... Seriously, what the hell did they do with all their years gone by?

Apparently though, 375K gamers out there (according to Microsoft, at least) bought into the hype, by buying this game the first week it came out. And I was unfortunately one of the first, poor saps... I mean, I admit that Fable ain't a bad game. And I eventually will get to the brighter side of the force about it all... But seriously! It was no wonder why Peter Molyneux (or however you spell the bastard's name) implemented 'boasting' into Fable so well. Because that's really the only thing he seems decent at in life... His claim to fame was bragging at how open-ended and completely revolutionary Fable was. It was supposed to be the definite Zelda experience not just for the Xbox, but for the new and next generation of gaming... He promised us the world. And he kept promising more and more suped up shit for four years straight and counting... And this is what he gave us when it was all said and done? And this was the game that reviewers out there all gave ravings reviews and A+'s to? I mean honestly, I never really believed in moneyhats before... but seriously...

We were promised a real time aging system, where the look and feel of your character would change according to how you played the game... But the aging feature was just complete crap. I mean, I never really slept a wink in the game, and almost no days even passed by the time I was done with my ten or so hours that I did play this game. And yet my character ended the game at age 62? WTF?... I was an old man by the time I beat the last boss, and why exactly? Because I used some magic? Because apparently five sunsets equal 30 years of your life for some inexplicable reason? Seriously, I'd like to know just how my hair all turned Lady gray...

All the little things the Fable designers promised us, turned out to be utterly meaningless. What are the point of the scars in this game, when they look like little scratches on my face, and I have no recollection of whenever I got them? What is the point of tattoos, when all their seem to do is scare off my wives to be? What was the point of barbers, when somehow women preferred me bald over having flocks of hair? And even after wielding heavy weapons, I still couldn't get big and strong like Thunder. I could easily get GTA fat on pies, but no matter how many baddies I killed, I just couldn't seem to get all buffed and jakked up like the horrible game manual said I could... And really, there wasn't any variety in the costumes of my character. There really weren't many suits to pick from... I could either look dashing as a Bright Will User, or suit up in plated armour whenever I go out for battle. Then there was a gas shortage and a flock of seagulls, and that was about it... and still, no matter what I wore, the only time I'd ever get some from the missus, was when I stripped bare naked by the bed...

Marriage and censored sex (although the game designers censor the 'censored' part in advertising...) were probably the greatest allure to all the gaming nerds out there. And yet it was probably also the damn weakest part of the so-called 'revolutionary' gameplay... Lionhead Studios promised us a world where women would dynamically fall in love with you, based on how you acted and how you treated them... What they didn't say however, was just how damn lame the whole relationship thing would be in the end. Because to get a wife, all you need to do is wear a classy outfit, do a dozen sexy poses, and then fork over a wedding ring. And then bam, you get shagged to the sound of "norty" and "I felt Albion shake", no matter whether you're good or evil... And that's about it. You buy a house, you get a wife, you fuck her, and then leave her in the forest to pick daisies by the gravestones. That's seriously all there is to love in Fable... It's repetitive. It's linear. And goddammit, you don't even get to see the sex... Hell's bells, the girls don't even sound like they enjoy it. You'd think that in the days of the pornographic internet, cybergirls would do more than just "ooh" a couple of times, as if they were as bored with the moment as we are with the game...

And Lionhead Studios, in all their perpetual boasting, claimed that Fable would feature one of the most fanciful and 'realistic' world economic systems in the history of video games... And while I admit, I had a hell of a lot of fun of either a) getting all the townsfolk to follow me out of town, where I let their heads get eaten by Belvarines, or b) just bribing off the guards so I could off the tavern owners myself. Afterall, I did become obsessed with owning every single house, store, and bar in Bowerstone, Oakvale, Knot-whatever, and Hook Coast (which I now do, by the way, thanks to the marital house money exploit...)... But after all my collecting and taking of lives was complete, what the hell was there to do after that? Collect rent from all the people who just magically respawn in the towns and completely ignore the fact that I just slaughtered all their ancestors? I mean honestly, WTF?... This is an economy? Stores that take a night to restock supplies, and rent that comes every three days? That's it?... Give me a fucking stock market where my Nortel shares keep dropping. Just give me anything than just this economic bullshit that could've been done back in the bloody hell Amiga days... most realistic world economic system, my ass...

And what about the actual world? Seriously, what were the game designers doing all these years?... Hell, I even remember tons of screenshots of this game, in 2002 for God's sake. The worlds looked plentiful, and beautiful, and more vastly open-ended than I could possibly even dream of at the time... But what did we get in the end? Four towns? Just four bloody towns? And maybe a few monster-ridden roads in-between?... The world in Fable is tiny. Maybe in 2002 it would've been grand, but compared to this generation of RPGs? It's just plain tiny... Everything is so linear, where you can basically go from town A to B without any exploration whatsoever. And there really is nothing to explore - every single piece of land or housing in the entire game, is clearly visited or visible from the roads that all lead back to Rome... or the Heroes Guild in this case... And it's there that you get a magical transporter to almost every single land. And while I'm grateful that all the tedious walking was gone, I certainly am not grateful that the freakin' world of Fable was barely even average size in scope compared to the RPGs of today... So seriously, what the hell were the game designers doing all these fucking years?...

... I would say they were plotting out all the branching story arcs, and implementing tons of unpredictable consequences to your actions in this game... but that would all be a big lie... just like Fable was in the end...

... spoilers, although there sadly really aren't many spoilers, considering this game was meant to be an RPG...

This was the game that was supposed to last me one month straight? This was the game that was supposed to supply me with endless hours of entertainment, thanks to all the branching paths, and all the choices between good and bloody hell evil?

Honestly, what choices?... This game was even more linear than a Japanese RPG...

... and it didn't even have a plotline, let alone a decent storyline in the end...

There was absolutely no challenge in this game. And to be honest, I didn't really mind that, considering I've never really liked difficult RPGs... And yet there were still a ton of annoying sidequests to manage. Because seriously, how the hell did the game designers implement such shoddy AI into all the characters you're supposed to help in this game?... Take the damn Rose Cottage boy for example. He literally just stands there, not even moving towards me, when he gets surrounded by a fuckload of Hobbes, ready to slice him up into shreds. He doesn't even make a sound, and I literally lost that mission three damn times, because he wouldn't even get close enough back to me, for me to bloody hell heal him... What kind of stupidity is this? I mean, the game was so damn easy, that the only times I ever even had to use health potions was when I was gathering experience. And yet I kept losing the escort missions, not because of the enemies, but because I was helping absolutely the most stupid ass people in the known universe... So where's that Penny-Arcade comic when you need it?...

Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic was an amazing RPG, though not really for it's choices between good and evil. Every decision in that game was so obvious, that it really did feel like a multiple choice test at times... But at least there were real consequences in that game for your actions. But in Fable? I could literally slaughter an entire town, and get away with it by just paying a fine and sleeping in some bandit's hut for a few days... And besides stabbing your wives in the back, and sacrificing people to Skorm, there really weren't many evil things to do in this game... In the actual plotline, probably the only time where you had to choose between anything, was when I had to decide between the sword and my sister. And before she even finished her sentence, I had sliced her down, thinking I could use the sword for something later in the game... Then after sitting through 20 minutes of god-awful credits and the lamest 10-second ending ever, I learned that there weren't even any new quests at the Guild for me. The game was over, just eight bloody hell hours into the game... And at least I thought there would be consequences to my taking of the sword, right? Yet when I returned to town, people still cheered me on like a hero. As if nothing had happened at all... because nothing you really do matters...

Let me spare you two readers out there the entire plotline of the game, for both the good side and the dark side of the force (since there really is no difference between the two)... You start off as a boy, and your father is massacred by bandits. You're saved by Maze, who obviously looks evil in more ways than one... He pretends to like you, raises you, and then you go off to fight wasps in bloody hell, lameass picnic areas for fun. And eventually, you learn that Jack of Blades hired Maze to save you, because he needed your blood to get the goddam useless sword at the end...

The truth is, that's the entire plotline. And it's completely downright linear, making Lionhead's boast of an open-ended RPG to be a complete open-book joke in the end... The only surprise was perhaps my character's one year in a cell (which didn't affect anything but my hair, might I add). And worst of all, the final boss in the game was just so damn easy, that I literally just stood there behind a rock, firing crossbow arrows up his ass as he just floated in the same damn spot... I mean seriously, what the hell were the game designers doing with those four or more years of their time? Jacking off, maybe?...

... which could explain how Jack of Blades got his name, and why marriage was sadly the only entertaining aspect of the game... but I digress...

... end spoilers... even though this RPG is so damn short that it really doesn't have spoilers...

And oh, I can go on and on with all the flaws in this game... The challenge was non-existent. There was no open-endedness. The game was only eight hours long somehow. And the replay value was almost zero in the end, considering there really was no difference between good and evil... The graphics in this game are mediocre. The textures look N64 in quality, and the characters really need some anti-aliasing to be done with them... The sound is adequate, but the soundtrack is completely non-memorable... And the controls? While I was impressed that so many PC-like options could be built into the Xbox controller, the system certainly wasn't perfect. Shifting through the magic spells was quick, but often confusing in the heat of battle, thanks to all the buttons and placements you need to keep track of... Analog movement was mostly concise, but just completely sucked when it came to stealth (thanks to having to hold down the left thumbstick). And don't get me started at just how horrible the sensitivity was in terms of manual archery shooting... And Z-targeting? It was such a waste in this game, especially considering it would lock onto the damn people I'm trying to help half the time, that I basically gave up on it and just swung blindly in the end. And sadly enough, that worked better...

Like I said, I can literally go on and on and pretty much on, with all of the glaring and half assed flaws in the fable of a myth that can only be called Fable. Hell, I haven't even mentioned any of the bugs I've found in this completely unpolished and unfinished game, but that's besides the point... And truth be told, Fable deserves to get its ass torn apart by this review, simply because it was overhyped to hell not just by its fanatics on the internet, but by the game designers themselves. And I seriously wish I could take this game down a notch, considering it completely doesn't deserve neither its 375K in sales, nor its shining knights in moneyhat armour reviews all across the net...

But as I said near the start of the review, this game ain't so bad. Hell, I even liked it... Because for eight hours straight, this game did consume me. I'll admit to that, at least... Truth be told, I liked the combat. It was completely simple and fickle, but I enjoyed all the button mashing. And some of the magical spells in the game, while usually too weak for their own good, were creative enough in design just to try, at least once... And I enjoyed the leveling up system in the game. I did spend a couple hours in the graveyard, just to save up enough strength points to pull out the sword in the stone afterall... And while each and every town felt generic, with NPCs that absolutely had no personalities whatsoever, I still will admit that it was somewhat comforting to see villages bustling with people. Nobody was special, completely unlike what Lionhead had promised. But by just getting drunk at the tavern or dropping their crates to applaud for me, they certainly did keep my attention...

Let's face it - Fable was nowhere near the game that it was meant to be... But even I'll admit, that once you get past all the blindingly ridiculous hype, you're still left with a pretty decent game. And probably the second best RPG on the Xbox, next to Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic (although I know that seriously ain't saying a lot...)... The controls in Fable were confusing at first, but definitely felt intuitive after a while. And while the world of Fable looks shallow and graphically artifacty during the day, I gotta admit that it looks pretty damn sweet at night... And while the economic, marriage, and body aging systems in the game were completely meaningless compared to what they were hyped up to be, I will still admit that I got addicted to being the power-monger landlord... I still got myself a wife in every single town and get Albion to shake with each and every single one of them (except for goddam Lady Gray... bastard woman doesn't want a damn thing to do with me...)... And while it pisses me off to no end, that I'm bloody hell 62 years old after just eight hours of play time, I will admit that if only I didn't care for attractiveness and scariness for my character... there are quite a few combinations that I could've liked as a badass look for myself...

Fable will forever lie in my heart, as the absolute largest lie of a fable, of the greatest myth in the entire history of the video gaming industry... It was destined five years ago, to become the next great standard for all RPGs to live up to. But in the end, it barely can even stand against the average RPGs of this generation of gaming, let alone the test of time against RPGs from five bloody hell years ago... We were all promised a revolution, a bloody revelation of a video game. And we took the hype to heart... we all expected Fable: Gaming Evolved...

... but instead? In plain black and white, after four or five bloody hell long, useless years of thumbstick fiddling...

... and while that was still decent in the end (as my final score will indicate), the truth of the matter is...

... umm... alright... I've always had a thing for the Russian girls of tennis... so sue me...

I really can't play the sport... I can't serve. I can't return. I can't even tell when the ball hits the chalk... guess I'd make a good umpire then...

But my sister get me into watching the sport. And most years, I do tune into the US Open and Wimbledon (the French Open can go to hell for all I care though...)... I do admire the sport, more than any sport out there other than ice hockey, actually... And you've gotta give the athletes some credit. For being able to play so many straight sets in the burning sun...

... and for the girls looking damn hot in those little, tight ass tennis outfits of theirs these days...

So because of my obsession with the world of televised tennis rackets, I just couldn't stay away from the latest (and one of the only?) films about professional tennis this week... Because Wimbledon truly did have me at hello. Right when I saw the trailer to this film, I knew I had to see it... and knowing that it was a romantic comedy? As much as it shames me to say this as a guy, that kinda drew me in too...

Was Wimbledon a great movie? Well, no. But I never expected it to be a great movie... I expected it to be a romantic comedy. And while it wasn't very funny, I have to admit, that it oddly was strangely romantic at times... if only because Kirsten Dunst was absolutely the hottest American tennis player I've seen since... well... ever actually...

Now, I admit that I'm not big fan of Kirsten Dunst. She did alright in Spiderman 2, I guess. But she butchered her role in the first film, and she really didn't do much good before that... But I will admit that I strangely enough, loved her performance in Bring It On. She just had the kind of sass and peppy vibrance in her, to seem like a real life athletic drama queen and all...

So it was no wonder why I actually loved her performance in Wimbledon as well. I mean, sure she was redundantly one-dimensional, basically just playing the wonder girl tennis player in Shakespearean Love (was there tennis in there? I already forget...)... I can basically list all of her scenes as either a) flirting with Peter Colt, or b) whining about her uptight father... But even if she didn't have much range, Kirsten Dunst really played those roles of her well. She really did have a wondrous, mesmerizing smile when Peter defended her honour... And it was kind of cute actually, when her father stormed in on Peter's flat. I mean, you would've thought that Lizzie would've found a better hiding spot than behind a goddam pillar in the kitchen... But her ever patented Kirsten Dunst stupidity actually contrasted well with just how serious Sam Neill was playing in his role...

Despite all the advertisements billing Wimbledon as a Kirsten Dunst movie though, the film really did completely belong to Paul Bettany... Now, the Brit has never really had what I considered a great role. He was magnificent in A Beautiful Mind, and he was the only saving grace of A Knight's Tale as well, but her never really starred in either movie... But here he was, in the shining spotlight of Wimbledon, both figuratively and literally speaking. Because perhaps his strongest scenes in the entire movie, were when he was just thinking to himself. Because it almost felt like the actor was thinking to himself as well, about the role he was given... Now, I didn't think all that mind boggling paranoia of his, of almost wanting to lose, of almost wanting to get his failure done and over with, really went as far as a movie like this could've taken it (though the brief talk of sports superstitions did have me walking under ladders in a good way...)... But for the curtness of his monologual lines, Paul Bettany really did a good job, just staring at himself on the tennis court. I mean, the mere juxtaposition of his play on the court with the kind of flimsiness he has in mind before every serve, actually worked in the film's favour... It kinda felt real, because it's kinda something we can all relate to. And it certainly helped me savour every last top spin smash to the last...

... strangely enough, the only thing Paul Bettany did wrong... was the actual tennis itself...

Now, Wimbledon was perhaps the first ever movie where Kirsten Dunst actually had romantic chemistry with the guy she was written to be with... Paul Bettany and her just worked wonders together, probably because Dunst really had that kind of spunk to her that has been missing in so many of her movies... Or maybe I just like it when girls play hard to get? All those scenes, of her pushing Paul away yet flirting with him a moment later, really helped make Wimbledon my favourite romantic comedy since 50 First Dates (although I know that wasn't long ago...)... I mean, just the sight of Kirsten Dunst watching Peter lose in a tennis match felt special to me... Sure, it was predictably cheesy that Colt would suddenly start winning then and there. But the smile on Lizzie's face made it all worthwhile to watch, you know?...

I came to watch the girls of tennis... and I certainly wasn't disappointed there...

... and yet I can't say I loved this movie... so what was I disappointed with?...

Well, the movie just wasn't funny... at all... I mean, I don't even remember laughing. It was one of those films where you felt you should laugh, yet never could get off more than a snicker... Sure, Peter's parents going at it in the kitchen was intriguing. And window washing into Lizzie's father's bedroom at night might've got a slight chuckle... And there were a ton of little jokes sparsed everywhere in-between, with Kirsten Dunst putting on a pretty adorable British accent at one point, and a mention of unstoppable Federer somehow losing to some punk ass kid at another... But even with all the little jokes in this film, I just couldn't find it funny... Maybe it's just me, but besides the parts where Kirsten Dunst looked very satisfied and glorificus in bed, the film just felt a tad bit boring in the end... Hell, I didn't even care about the brother betting against Peter all the time. It all felt like it was something I should laugh at, but I just couldn't make myself care...

But comedy is only half of what a romantic comedy needs... And in my opinion? The other half if far more important... Because the true strength of Wimbledon, lied not in the piss poor British comedy. Or the fact that almost all the Tennis players in the movie really seemed to suck... It rather all lied in how endearing all the characters in this film turned out to be. And being a sucker for British accents, I certainly didn't mind them all... Peter's parents were simple, but they did win me over as they huddled over the black and white treehouse television. And the brother? His gambling wore on me, but he had reasonably naked girlfriends, so there's a plus for the movie... Lizzie's father was completely one dimensional. And yet it didn't feel so ridiculous when he suddenly and predictably grew a heart of gold near the end... And of course, there was Lizzie and Peter themselves. Kirsten Dunst found the first male lead that she ever seem to actually adore, and it really showed... as sappy as all the shooting stars and fish and chips scenes all seemed on paper, they really did kind of shine on screen... not to mention how damn giddy she was in the shower scene, which always makes tennis feel that much more like home...

Wimbledon certainly isn't a great movie. And it most definitely ain't going on my list of favourite movies of the year... It just wasn't funny enough to be memorable. And as a romantic comedy, it really doesn't stand out. Even with the tennis gimmick mind you, as the whole thing felt early 90s' formulaic... (although the ending did surprise me... since it was so predictable, that I really didn't predict the film would go along that path... so I kinda liked it...)...

It was a simple movie. A simple life... Wimbledon was basically just an average romantic comedy. But it certainly beats the pants out of most of the genre that have been made in the past two years (don't even bother mentioning 13 Going on 30 to me...)... Kirsten Dunst and Paul Bettany made every scene they had together feel special, even if most of the scenes of them alone felt dull and dreary. And c'mon already... Who doesn't enjoy hot British accents in a romantic film from time to time? And who doesn't enjoy seeing female tennis players, all in their lovable Nike skirts, being all lady-like while being a complete bitch off and on the court?...

Y2kk Update: - Smallville: Crusade & Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow Theatrical Reviews (Spoilers) -

I know you've all been waiting for this, for four bloody long months now... like blinding hot sex... or that Lana Lang shower scene at least, considering that was blindingly banging even to the cheap seats in the background...

But still, you all know what time it is... Time to get nekkid!... or, umm... there's that... and it's also time for the ever fateful return, of IvanF's ever patented and ever revered, and forever ever, small Smallville Week in Review!...

"Three fucking months? Three fucking months?... and we STILL start end off with Lana Lang scenes that fuck the brains over like head screaming ice cream cones?... This is the show that got renewed over Angel? WHAT THE FUCK?..."

... or actually, I should blame Charmed for that... but hell, even Charmed is a better show than Smallville is... regardless of the Lana Lang nudity...

I'll keep this short and simple: Smallville hasn't changed a beat... Because as always, Chloe was probably the best character this episode. She obviously had the most lines, I mean... I just hope that the big revelation about her disappearance actually makes sense in the end, that's all... And second on the list of stars this week? Maybe it'll go to Jonathan Kent. I mean, sure he was in a coma. But coma's take a lot of not moving, which is always a tough gig for an actor to pull off outside of a soap opera... And Pete? Sure, he got kicked off of the show, only to be replaced by some god-awful Lana moon pie of a shiner. But at least Pete still had more lines than he did all last season long. Not being there and all... Lana Lang was once again perhaps the absolute worst character in the history of television. I mean, I forget where exactly I saw that exact same scene of meeting your boyfriend and acting as if he was a stranger for audience misdirection. All I know is, the truth of her goddam beguiling was so damn obvious that I promptly reminded myself just how painful it was to watch Smallville last season. With a slap and a slice to the wrist, of course... I just hope that tattoo on her back will eventually mean something, along with a lot of backside nudity... And her new boyfriend? The Pete replacement gone white? He was completely one-dimensional this episode, and contributed to Lana's absolute annoyingness, especially with his god-awful French accent. But hey, first impressions can't always count, now can they? At least it all led to some drugged-up shower scenes and all...

Now, I'll admit that there were a few scenes in Crusade that did give me hope for the season... Erica Durance as Lois Lane was a surprisingly refreshing addition to the series. Her sass and so-called "independence" actually worked well, in a way that wasn't cheesy or sappy like Lana Lang always was. Not to mention she already has more chemistry with Tom Welling than Lana ever did. Although the lightning nudity was a bit too obvious... Of course, I admit I have always been partial to Erica Durance. I just don't get why she seems to look completely different in every single series I see her in (Andromeda, Stargate, etc...)... And Clark Kent? His performance as Kal-el was utterly and dismally sterile and flaccid. He didn't even sound like a robot - just a bad actor... But he did put on a decent show with Lois. His scenes of being a complete idiot in the hospital with her were probably the best comic relief in the episode... And I couldn't help but laugh at the sight of Martha Kent, bashing away at Clark's chest to get her son back. But I was laughing in a good way, considering she really did seem like a loving mother this episode... And if there was ever one plus to the whole Smallville mythos, it has always been the Luthors. Because I actually am interesting in whether Lionel was set-up, as Lois implied. And it actually made sense, that Lex's abnormally high white blood cell count would actually let him survive a poisoning... And dammit! Flying actually looked decent! It was actually neat that Clark ripped off the door to the plane at 20,000 feet! I guess Lex can make even the cheesiest looking scenes look good... I mean, Wasupwidat?...

I still have tons to complain about Crusade, let alone the series as a whole... But considering I've got no other television to review this season, thanks to Smallville kicking Angel off of the airwaves?... Well, guess my Smallville weeks in review won't be so small afterall...

Now, Smallville wasn't the only disappointment for me this week... I mean, I did go and see Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow. But it just wasn't what I really expected... It wasn't nearly as fascinating as I was hoping it would be. It simply felt flawed and formulaic in the end... But honestly, what was I expecting then?...

I wanted to see Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow, in the simple hope that it would rekindle the long lost love, remembrances, and cuddly Care Bear embraces that I had for the cartoons of my youth. Hell, I still watch X-men, Ninja Turtles, and Reboot to this day, but that's besides the point...

Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow just looked like it was filled with the kind of childish animation that I so coveted as a... well, child... And besides, how the hell could I not see the movie that ripped off the Stargate SG-1 theme song for its trailer?...

Was the movie everything that I expecting to be?... well... barely anything, actually...

I admit that it was a brilliantly designed movie. The CG backgrounds and the actors blended more perfectly than even George Lucas could dream of in his life... I loved the look of the giant killer robots and the bird-like robots soaring in the air. They simply animated so fluently, that they almost did look real at times... And while I can't say the same for the air ships, how can I possibly not enjoy the sight of old fashioned air ships in a movie? I mean, this was the kind of stuff that people in the 20s and 30s dreamed that the world would be like by the 60s. And hell, by the year 2000, we were already supposed to be living like the Jetsons, so... The truth is, none of that ever came to pass. We still drive cars with less power than '67 GTs for Christ's sakes... But it's nice to go back to a movie that remembers the dreams of the past. To help me remember how I dreamed in the past... Because seeing the ever nostalgic simplicity of tentacle monsters, raping Dex into submission? Ah, yes... beats the hell out of his death scene in Saving Ryan's Privates, at least...

And the cinematography in Sky Captain was simply astounding at times... Some of the camera angles, of just simple shots I've seen time and time again (like the hovers over the Himalayans), were just absolutely beautiful. In a way that the film medium rarely portrays anymore... And I loved the use of contrasting colours in this film. It almost gave it an old fashioned black and white look, while really hiding all the aging flaws on Gwyneth Paltrow's face that have been creeping in over time... It really made her seem like she was glowing... And like I said, some of the shots she was in were just art at its very best. My favourite in particular was the sight of Polly Perkins and Dr. Jennings, frightened in a movie theatre as The Wizard of Oz blurred in-between the both of them. It was truly classic shots like that, of classic movies from my nostalgic past (even if that movie did scar me for life... seriously, it did... along with Who Framed Roger Rabbit... but let us never speak of this again...)... It was just special moments like that, along with Paltrow's glowing face, that really made this movie shine...

The only problem is, I think that was the only time this movie shined... Because was it me, or was Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow simply too damn boring in the end?...

I wish I was a child again at times, because then maybe I wouldn't have to bash the film... But really, there were only two moments in the entire film that really felt momentous to me... Obviously, I already mentioned the Wizard of Oz cameo. And I also have to admit, all the subtle references to the movie later on (and the not so subtle one with the giant, floating electrical head...) were probably the few touches that really made this movie distinct... But what use is a movie to me, if it doesn't make me laugh? There was only one joke that even made me snicker. And that was all thanks to Jude Law... When Polly Perkins snapped her second last picture of the ground, Joe Sullivan just burst into laughter. And it was infectious somehow. It really was... And I laughed too. The whole audience with me... but it was the awkward kind of laugh too, you know? The kind that you feel you ought to give out, because you haven't laughed at a single joke in the rest of the movie, I mean...

Where can I begin?... I mean, the characters in The World of Tomorrow were simply so flat, that it'd probably be no wonder if they had started out as 2D caricatures... Dex had his moments of being the genius. And I suppose his subtle commentaries on the Joe and Polly romance did get me to smile... But then he was captured. Just like that, the one decent character in the movie was gone. And his return later on was just too one-dimensional for me to ever forgive his departure... And why was Angelina Jolie ever credited for this movie? She was hardly in it. And when she was, all she did was parade around in a plane that could somehow survive the impact with water. And then she got chased around by torpedoes, along with a gas shortage and a flock of seagulls. But that was about it... And hell, she didn't even look good in her uniform. Not Taking Lives of Taking Her Clothes Off good at least... and yet sadly? Her stale performance this movie still outweighs anything she's done since long before Tomb Raider...

Now individually, Sky Captain Joe Sullivan and the ever aptly named Polly Perkins were even more one-dimensional characters than even a cartoon could portray... Alone, Joe didn't have the charisma to be a fighter pilot hero. And Polly? I'm sorry, but reporters rarely feign interest from me on screens. Unless they're hot as hell like Erica Durance, but that's besides the point... But together? I suppose Joe and Perkins really did have their moments together. Because to be honest, I think this was the first movie where Jude Law ever had any chemistry with a girl... Because like I mentioned, I couldn't help but laugh along with him everytime he just mocked at Polly's misfortune. And even if her crush was too damn obvious, Polly did look cute by Jude Law's face on the plane, being so close to him yet he didn't even notice she was there... Guess I can relate to her, besides wanting to be in her I mean... And oh, then there was the nudity scene. And I guess I did chuckle at that too... That was probably Jude Law's only moment of true James Bond like charisma, playing it cool under the covers. And nudity scenes always get a thumbs up from me... even if they're G rated...

... unless they're on Smallville at least... fucking Lana Lang... goddam show canceled Angel... but I digress...

Because the fact of the matter is, yes I did enjoy parts of Sky Captain. I even thought Paltrow was cute at the end, taking Joe's picture at the end instead of the ark... But the ark? WTF? I know it sounds stupid to be chastising a plotline based around the cartoons of the past, but couldn't the writers have tried to add some surprises to the whole nostalgic formula? Because the ever classic end of the world scenario, at least... As soon as the movie started, I knew exactly how it would progress. That a) we get cool scenes of Sky Captain defending a city, b) someone gets captured, c) heroes go after the villain, and d) countdown is stopped with one second left... And that all happened. And I don't mean to say that predictability is bad, considering that's what nostalgia is based on. And I'm the No-Name Nostalgic...

... but I'm also the No-Name Whiner... and while the plot points don't really bug me, everything in-between did...

The mystery assassin turned out to be pointless. And the villain turned out to be dead (although that was a nice twist on Wizard of Oz, I guess...)... The robots never evolved past the coolness of evil flying birds. And the Adam and Eve vials thing led absolutely nowhere... Now, I was entertained at times by the mutual love and disgust for each other that Joe and Polly had. But their cliche relationship only works in half hour cartoons, when the plotline of the movie only works in half hour cartoons as well... I know this movie was meant to be retro. But did it really have to retro-revitalize almost the exact same plotline that I watched a thousand different times as a kid?...

... well, I guess that was the point... wasn't it?... That was the main selling point that got me to watch this movie, now wasn't it?...

... sigh... I guess I just can't get back my childhood anymore... well, besides being the ever obnoxious Nintendo fanboy that I am, but that's besides the point...

Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow is absolutely a beautifully designed movie, almost feeling like a film noir at times. And as a movie lover, you've still got to see this movie sometime, just to catch a glimmer of its sheer majesty... But most of the characters in the film were just too boring to be worth the number of words to insult. And the plotline was simply so derivative, that it even made the cartoons of my youth seem like 16th century originals. If only because those cartoons didn't drag on for almost two hours of bloody hell nothing... the only thing that kept me awake was Polly's perking breasts, of course... she was simply radiant with her glow... quite literally thanks to the film, no doubt...

Still, I have to admit though... I do admire this film... It truly is a work of art...

Y2kk Update: - Stargate SG-1: Endgame and Stargate Atlantis: The Storm (Part 1) Reviews (Spoilers) -

Stargate SG-1 seems to be on a real roll as of late... the only problem is, it's really rolling the dice the wrong way...

Endgame was perhaps the best ex-NID episode of the season, and one of the best ever made in the series... But hasn't the writers gotten a hint yet? The NID episodes (or Trust ones, now... ) have always been some of the weakest episodes of the entire series. So being the best of the worst obviously ain't saying much... especially after an entire season of almost only NID episodes, for some odd reason... And watching episodes like Endgame? While there is plenty of good, it just hits me home how much the writers have abandoned the mythology and exploration angle that governed season six and before. Instead, all of that writers' attention has been diverted to Stargate Atlantis... while I'm just hoping that all the cheap episodes made for SG-1 will return kindly in fold one day, perhaps in The Reckoning or the season finale... I can hope, at least...

Still, Endgame was a fast paced episode that I really did enjoy... the first half of it, at least... Because in that first half, all of the characters had their roles to play... Daniel got to interrogate the technicians, and got a little joke about coffee out there too. And he helped make the most suspenseful scene, the nerve gas in the palm of his hand one, into one of the funniest as well... Now, Carter was a bit of an enigma, considering her shiny costume was neither sexy nor spy-ware. And she didn't provide any comic relief, but at least she was smart when guessing about the disappearance of the Stargate... And the whole general plotline, of the Stargate on earth being stolen was a pretty neat idea. The look on Walter Harriman's face when it just vanished was worth the free price of admission alone... And while the mystery was still going on, as to why the NID would steal the gate, the episode really did have its bearings. It actually did seem intellectual and smart... and since The Rock, I've always had a thing for the coolness effect of VX rockets...

Plus, I've always had a thing for Prometheus... the Asgard beaming technology (and Colonel Ronson's continued absence... must've got his ass fired after Grace) was definitely a neato checkmark in my book...

But that's pretty much where the episode just turned into a pile of utter stupidity... Teal'c may have biases against the Tok'ra, but why the hell didn't he put one and one together and notice the Tok'ra poison and the earth lockdown was more than just a coincidence? And why the hell was he so slow at removing his friend's symbiot? As soon as the rocket hit, he should've taken it out of the pouch, before the poison would take his friend with him. I mean, Teal'c did have tretonin with him, didn't he?... And O'Neill? I didn't mind Jack's indecisiveness, when it came to choosing between his friends or not. Because I just assumed, if SG-1 was still on the ship, they could bring the Alkesh back whenever they pleased, right?... But I did not find Jack's weird sarcasm at the end of the episode to be fitting. It sounded like he hated the rebel Jaffa, which completely came out of nowhere. And unless this gets followed up sometime later in the season, that was just plain stupid... And speaking of stupid? How the hell could everyone be so stupid this episode?... Why were the NID operating above earth? They could've stolen a Stargate from any planet, or simply have left earth after stealing our own... Why the hell did the NID attack a rebel jaffa camp first? And why the hell didn't Daniel disable the hyperdrive along with the cloaking device? I know he was heading to the engine room, but didn't he think of melting the computers on board the bridge or the actual Goa'uld steering wheel first?... And why the hell did Carter and co rush to get off the ship? I know they didn't have the access codes, but how damn hard would it have been to capture the ship from that one hot Chinese chick, and then find a way to turn it around?... Honestly, I know every episode has its plot holes, but rarely ever this damn glaring...

Endgame definitely did feel rushed near the end, but I still enjoyed the first half of the episode a hell of a lot. I'm a sucker for nerve gas, and it was just a brilliant idea to see VX rockets shooting through the gate (although I'm surprised Ba'al doesn't use force field irises on his Stargates yet)... The repercussions of it should be entertaining as well. The Rebel Jaffa were all slaughtered by earth, and so were some Tok'ra. Doesn't matter who pulled the trigger... It came from our planet. And I'm sure Ba'al will remember that... once all the savings from the bottled up first half of the season hopefully pay their dues second term...

Now once again, Stargate Atlantis had clearly the stronger of the two episodes. It never once got boring, and it never once felt completely ridiculous. If only because MacKay is the best damn technobabbler since the days of Data on TNG... I do wish that the episode wasn't so openly-ended as a two-parter though. It's not that I hate two-parters... it's just that... does the second part really have to be something like six months away? Kind of cruel to make the fans sit through all that, just to see Sheppard go all die hard on Sora's sore ass...

I wish I could say that every single character had a memorable role in The Storm, Part 1. But that's rarely ever true for any series, so... Lt. Ford was once again the token black guy. He got a few decent "yes, sir" jokes in. But when "yes, sir" is the only decent lines a character has? That's a cause for concern... Dr. Beckett was wasted for the first time in the series. It's nice to know he can fly a puddle jumper, but he really didn't have any jokes. And it was just odd that he didn't want to take off in the storm, considering he could of gotten to orbit and stayed safe that way?... And Teyla? Well, I did like her earlier scenes, watching Hurricane Ivan take out a North America on another planet. Guess that guarantees my insurance premiums are going up... I liked her sense of discovery, of seeing a storm from space for the very first time. But after that? She just sort of sat there, whining about hunters and complaining about little children... But I'm sure Part 2 will have a nice showdown between her and Sora. And Sora better be in her tank top gear again, otherwise the six month wait will not be worth it...

The series once again fell into the hands of the more than capable three: Weir, Sheppard, and MacKay... Weir was pretty useless. She has been ever since her wardrobe and popcorn supplies ran dry. But hey, she looked pretty decent at gun-point. And at least she didn't succumb to pressure... MacKay was obviously the best character in the episode, the best character in the series, and one of the best characters on sci-fi of all time. His rapid fire spitting of his strategy out to Weir, about the lightning rods all around Atlantis, was simply the highlight of this week of Stargate. His mutual distaste of the Czech scientist made for all the good scenes in this episode. And yes, I would've cut off the bastard too after his "El Nino" boring remark... And it's nice to know that some heroes out there still submit to torture like any real boy would do. Poor MacKay cried like a baby after just one slice, and his embarrassment later on definitely worked. Hell, I was even entertained by the stutter in his voice as he feared what was going to happen to him... And hell, we Canadians actually had a hurricane? WTF?... And Sheppard? Well, I loved the roll in his eyes when he realized he was given the running man's job in the grounding stations work. And it was a nice Die Hard touch of his, to leave the radio communicator where the C4 was... He wasn't in a lot of scenes. But the Major is always effective when he's there in full P90 force. I just didn't like how "caring" I guess he was, about Weir being the first to die and blah blah blah. I mean, the actor played the part just fine... but it sort of dragged on, the way that the end of the first half of a two-parter always does...

Overall, while SG-1 has been left in the bitter dust this season (and I'm the guy who liked seasons 4, 6 and 7... although 5 was just bleh...), Stargate Atlantis has really shined... I love the sense of exploration and discovery that's back in the series. Seeing two massive storms collide from space sent a hurricane of a chill through my IvanFian spine, actually. And all the technobabble talk of how the Atlantians survived the storms in the past, actually was interesting to me. Just don't ask me why... Now, I could've done with more Colm Meaney (Ha! He's back to being a TNG Chief!). And I could've done without that annoying Nazi-like commander in charge... And I really could've done with more supple Sora in sweaty battle gear. How they chose Teyla over this actress, I'll never know... And I love the desperation of the Pegasus Galaxy. The Genii, like everyone else, is willing to do anything in their battle against the Wraith... And the firefight battles, while short and swift, still kick the ass out of anything that SG-1 has produced since its season premiere...

I will never like two-parters, especially those with months and months of waiting inbetween... But MacKay has provided more than enough replay value for the first half of the season to keep me company. And Stargate Atlantis as a whole, while weaker than SG-1's flagship second series, is still worlds ahead of probably any other season in Stargate in history... I really do like the show, even if some characters are stiff. I just wish it wasn't sucking the life out of SG-1 like a Steveweiser Wraith, that's all...

... and I just wish the finale of the two-parter was next week... but since it's not, here's to January... and the longest Hurricane Ivan in history then, I suppose...

I just watched Dude, Where's My Car again on television the other night... Best. Movie. Evar... But to be honest, as Steve Martin put it best, I probably would've enjoyed it a hell of a lot more... if only I hadn't read the book first...

I just came back from watching Resident Evil: Apocalypse, which just may have been the apocalypse of the franchise (if Capcom hadn't already run its gaming legacy into the ground). And I would make the same muse of a joke here, that I probably would've enjoyed RE a lot more if I hadn't read the book first...

The only problem is... There actually is a goddam book that the movie was based on!... And the even sadder part of it all, was that I was actually tempted the read it...

And why wouldn't I be?... Sure, the movie was filled was absolute crap. We all know the drill of bad B-rated zombie flicks, with the run and gun formula of the black brother dying first... But c'mon already! How could I possibly resist seeing this movie, when it stars my own hometown of a goddam Racoon City?... Hell, the movie makers didn't even pretend to hide the fact that they were filming in Toronto. They might as well billed this as "Toronto 2003: The Summer of SARs". I mean, for Christ's sakes, the CIBC and TD buildings were actually given close ups, as if those two companies had any big say in America or some crap like that... And they blew up Toronto City Hall! It was even in the trailers!... The only thing they did hide from my city, was the CN Tower and maybe the Skydome. Because I swear to God, I think I saw my sister's condo building in the Racoon City shots as well...

And how could I not see it then? Fully knowing the video games that it was based on (Resident Evil 2 and 3), how could I possibly resist witnessing the big and final kiloton of a payload?... The sad part of it all was, even that couldn't redeem this franchise risen from the grave... I know that all movies based on video games have turned out horrendously. Trust me, I know... I rented Super Mario Bros and saw Tomb Raider on television the other night, for bloody hell's sake... And this may be really embarrassing to write, but Resident Evil: Apocalypse really is just a flat out bad movie, even by video game movie's standards... It seems that the "best" video game movie ever made will forever reside as either Mortal Kombat or Street Fighter...

Now, as a zombie flick, I suppose Paul Anderson's (or Alexander Witt's) shitfest of crap wasn't that half bad... Because just like with Resident Evil 2 (the game), the movie may not have been suspenseful, but it certainly had its fair share of startling moments... I mean sure, I always knew it was coming. Any livid movie goer could telegraph the freak zombie lungings a mile ahead... But I still jumped in my seat in scenes like the zombie kid one in the school. Or even a moment as simple as that stupid ass reporter running for the door in the church... The outcome was oh so obvious, but so were the skittles in my seat as well. And while I never really do appreciate being spooked in films, as least Resident Evil: Apocalypse kept me on the edge of my seat far more than Signs did... although that certainly ain't saying much...

The real problem with Resident Evil: Apocalypse, was the fact that absolutely no character had any sort of personality whatsoever. And I'm saying that in a very generous way... Now, I know that a zombie film is never really meant to have character development. But I'm not asking for anything that significant... I mean, for bloody hell's sake, Jill Valentine's entrance into the movie was of being a marksman badass gun girl, shooting up zombies without any explanation of how she knew what they were. And from that point on in the movie? All she did was kick zombies around and parade around in that patented blue outfit of hers... not that I'm complaining mind you...

... wait, I am complaining... Hell, even the skin tight outfit couldn't save her character in this film...

And what were the rest of the characters for? Well, let's see here... You had the token black guy, who made me cringe with his "GTA, motherfucker" product placement moment. Though at least his custom packed "heat" brought a few chuckles to the film... Then you had the other token black motherfucker. You know, the brother who always ends up being the first to die, and turns into a zombie, and then gets to be the first to die again? Yeah, that guy... And then you had the token good guy hero. I didn't even know his name in this movie, because I really didn't care. Was he going to become a zombie or not? It didn't matter. He only had one memorable line in the entire movie, and it was already "expended" in the trailers... And oh, the villains in this movie? Oh dear lord, can you get anymore European cliche? I didn't even bother to learn his name, because all you needed to know was that he was supremely evil. He crackled at killing his own men, for Christ's sakes...

And he was supremely stupid too... I mean obviously, zombie flicks aren't meant for intellectual stimulus or anything. So obviously I cheered like a naked zombie hooter when Jill Valentine told Terri that they had to split up in the school... But besides the obvious token stupidity moments, did the writers really have to give this movie an IQ of about negative one hundred and fifty?... Why, oh why was the villain ever dumb enough to put himself at risk and return to Racoon City, just for the hell of it? Why, oh why did we have so many scenes of the useless Nemesis monster just standing there like a lump, as all the STARS team members were too dumb to run? Why, oh why must we constantly be forced into watching dead god-awful "Access Granted" instant hacking moments, as if I was watching something as bad as Swordfish again or some crap like that?... How the heck did Umbrella cover everything up, when there must've been national satellite footage of zombies in the streets before their so called "nuclear meltdown"?... And oh yes, it was never really explained why Umbrella decided to open up the Hive again instead of just asking the survivors what happened, or checking the goddam cameras. But then again, these were the same people who for some odd reason, invented some pointless disease (with no safeguards, mind you) that turn people into man-eating, uncontrollable zombies for God knows what reason...

So obviously, Resident Evil: Apocalypse is my reader's choice for best movie of the year. Obviously... although, there is a light at the end of the tunnel...

Milla Jovovich really hasn't had a decent role since The Fifth Element, has she? But to be honest, I kind of liked her weird ass performance in this film... She had absolutely no personality whatsoever. All she did was do spin kicks and watch gunfire in bullet-time. But hey, it works for me... The thing is, as damn stupid as this film was, I just couldn't stop smiling. Because the battles were simply so over the top, that they actually were a hell of a lot of fun to watch... The battle against the three lickers, with motorcycle explosions and crosses being crushed, was just so ridiculous that I couldn't stop laughing... The graveyard battle not only rekindled some lost Buffy the Vampire Slayer lore of love, but it was pretty hot to see Milla doing Jackie Chan back-kicks and all... And the final battle against Umbrella Corporation? Hey, I hated how sappy the Nemesis got with his "feelings". But there was some pretty neat choreography in his fisticuffs with Alice... And then we got to see Toronto City Hall bite the big one. Literally. And that's gotta be worth something...

... and at least Milla didn't run down the side of City Hall without a harness... I was expecting the Matrix worst after the trailer, afterall...

It has absolutely no character development. It has actually no enjoyable characters... All the villains are just rehashes of the first movie. And the Nemesis just looked like a cartoon tank at best... Even as a zombie film, let alone a video game film, Resident Evil: Apocalypse ranks down there with the most raunchy of the worst. Because not only do you not care about any of the characters, but you don't give a damn about the generic zombies as well. They just feel old and outdated, and a little bit Shaun of the Dead rusty actually... And oh my God, for a movie that was less than an hour and a half long, Resident Evil: Apocalypse really dragged on and on and on... with absolutely the most boring ending you could ever tack onto a zombie film... even if the ending was basically just a repeat of the first film's finale, in the misguided hope of creating a trilogy to this mess of an already six feet buried franchise...

Y2kk Update: - Stargate SG-1: Sacrifices and Stargate Atlantis: Home Reviews (Spoilers) -

... eerily fitting, actually... that I should review an episode named "Sacrifices" on a September 11th...

... it's also fitting that there's a killer hurricane out there right now, Category Five, with my name written all over it... but that's besides the point...

The thing is, I normally do love the episodes that Christopher Judge puts forth. The Warrior was perhaps the best Jaffa episode ever made (next to Threshold), Changeling was an interesting change of pace for the series, and Birthright last year had some decent character involvement for Teal'c at the time... But Sacrifices? I don't really know how I feel about it... I'd put it as my episode of the week, simply from the coolness factor of double sided Darth Maul staff weapons. But really, judging from its previous name of "My Big Fat Jaffa Wedding"? The episode just didn't really have a keen enough focus... Part of it was trying to be funny, with horses in the hallways and such, and some nice comic moments from an ever graying Bra'tac. But all that completely didn't match the kind of overly overt seriousness when it came to Moloc and the overwhelming traitorness of Christopher Judge's brother, Aron... The two sides of the coin just didn't match. There was no unity. There was no union with the marriage...

Character wise, Sacrifices took a dive compared to Birthright last year... O'Neill's only good moment was winning the ping pong game, the hard way at least (unless Jaffa ping pong involves hitting the other guy instead of the table as hard as you can). He once again had some good moments with Bra'tac, but mostly, he was just part of the crowd... Sam was pretty invisible for the first time in the season. So was Daniel too, oddly enough. Their only moment was when especially oddly enough, they held hands at the thought of telling Jack about the wedding. If that sounds right, that is... And Ishta? Well, apparently Trellium-D wasn't the only thing that T'Pol had gotten addicted to over the past year. Because it seems she acts like a complete bitch whenever it comes to Tretonin now (how the hell is earth manufacturing that crap in large quantities anyhew?), as Jolene Blalock completely overplayed her moodiness in this episode... Now, I know the actress is all bent out of shape, for having to fall for a dumb hick on Enterprise (according to her latest interviews, anyways...). But does she really have to be so obvious with her emotions this episode? She had no wisdom or patience. It certainly didn't help that we all knew she was wrong in wanting Moloc gone so soon. She reminded me of SG-1 in the early seasons actually, thinking that one Goa'uld gone could actually make much of a difference... And Teal'c? Well, it was his episode to write, and it was his episode to bear. And he was probably the only character that came off well. He got an awesome little final battle scene, with the ridiculously funny moment of Moloc trying to brush off a frequency-based laser pointer. And me being Chinese and all, you gotta love the ping pong game...

But was the overall episode any good in the end?... I must admit, it was definitely Christopher Judge's weakest script yet. The only funny moment was possibly the sitcom-botched wedding rehearsal. And the episode did really suffer from dredged out T'Pol PMSing, until she was captured yet again (just like on Enterprise, it always seems...)... But hey, Moloc got crushed by two badass missiles. That's gotta be worth something. And Rya'c himself had a few decent moments, although his fiancee looked far too much like Daniel Jackson's (and Michael Shanks') former wife for her own good and protection... and dear God, the 'fro has just got to go...

It was a shame that on screen, Teal'c's internal struggle with his son's marriage was never really resolved. We never figured out why he suddenly decided to bless the marriage... But hey, that cute Ka'ryn girl and ping pong is all I really need for an episode of the week... if that sounds good, that is...

It feels odd really, that I'm not giving the better deal to Home this week. Because from the promos, I thought I'd really like it... The problem was, even if I do normally like the average non-corporeal alien episode of the week on Star Trek, the truth of the matter is, this kind of crap has been done to death in sci-fi. On god-awful Star Trek Voyager, no less... and the whole ordeal was just too damn predictable on Atlantis to bear this week... I knew just from George Hammond being there, with Dr. Weir alone with him, that the whole world was fake. And I guess the writers knew that anyone who's watched a single season of Stargate or more would realize this right away, considering John Sheppard figured it out pretty soon himself... although the only decent dead giveaway in the episode, was actually the dead people... and the sadly hot sixth grade teacher, but I digress...

... Grade Six, I mean... grade fucking six... You see? American TV made in Canada is really fucking over my ventral vernacular over here...

I guess I was hoping that Home would really feel like Home when it came to character development. Nothing has really felt right about the Atlantis characters since maybe even Suspicion, suspiciously enough... Dr. Weir was probably disappointed this episode that she didn't get to truck back a boatload of new wardrobes. All she did do in Home, was wear an ugly pink T-shirt, look decently cute when curled up in a chair, and make out with Narim from the Tollan homeworld (to the ghastly sound of Jack and Sam 'shipper music, no less)... Her only decent moment was her one bit of chemistry with John Sheppard, reading the 17th page of War and Peace. The Major did have his fair share of other moments though. The party was funny at times, and it was always nice to know he enjoys sipping his beer while shooting his friends. But it just felt weird at times, to see him ignore Teyla so much in the background... I was hoping that Home would highlight Teyla's newness to earth much. But while I loved her newfound obsession with clothing shopping, she just wasn't featured enough in this episode to work. She didn't seem wondered or surprised enough with earth to truly get my attention. Instead, we got a bachelor pad scene with bikini girls who I oddly didn't care about... And I really didn't care about Ford either. He was strangely better as the token pizza black guy, than he was as the bitter whiner about being shipped off to Afghanistan. I mean, you know his character is just completely pointless when he barely even gets two minutes of air time of his own tricked-out universe...

The only real highlights of Home, were Rodney McKay and the return of Don Davis as George Hammond... McKay isn't just great because he probably collects Canadian Tire money. It's because he honestly gets literally all the good lines on the show... I mean, where can I get a "I'm with Genius" shirt like his? And you gotta feel bad for the poor slob of a bastard, not getting any messages even in his own fantasy personal dream world. And boy, does he get testy when the laws of physics no longer apply. So he finally noticed the thousand dancing hamsters at my university, eh?... And George Hammond obviously wasn't himself. But the lovable teddy bear of an actor was enjoyable as ever to see again, even if he did act like a complete zombie most of the time... And that was the only thing that did save this episode. The only real humour came from watching the fake McKay smile like a retard, or seeing what kind of outfit the fake Dr. Weir would put on next (pink T-shirts don't turn me on, but white ones do for some odd reason...). And the fake Lt. Ford?... umm... oddly enough... he was more lively than the real version... go figure... although that's obviously not saying much...

Home just didn't feel like Home to me. I was hoping for some Teyla hope, or Elizabeth Weir in a tight ass dress or something. Or at least the second death of Narim again... But we didn't get that. Instead, we just got an ever predictable story, about incorporeal aliens who get sucked into the Stargate as pure energy, whenever an intergalactic wormhole is established...

Now, that may not sound predictable the way I said it... but trust me, it is... because hell yes, I've watched way too much sci-fi for one lifetime...

Shigeru Miyamoto may be my hero, but even I have to admit, I was never fully onboard the mothership with his whole original Pikmin bit... Yeah, I gave the game a high score and all, but there were simply too many damn flaws with the game to actually keep my occupied. U never beat the game afterall... I absolutely hated the time limit, a lot of the Pikmin handling felt confusing at times, and let's face it... even as a guy who loved Super Smash Bros. Melee and Zelda: The Wind Waker, even I must admit that mind controlling an army of little coloured ants with beady little eyes, was a bit?... umm?...

... a funny thing happened when I visited my local Electronics Boutique over here... I asked what price Pikmin 2 was, and you know what the rep said to me?... He actually asked, in what seemed to be a serious tone, why a person like me would actually be asking about a child's game?... I called Future Shop a moment later, fully knowing that they were having their usual $10 off opening weekend sale. And the bastard that I got over the phone? I simply asked if they had any Pikmin 2 left in stock, and he had absolutely no clue what the heck I was talking about... He asked if I was looking for something like Halo on the Xbox or some crap like that. And, umm... no... I pretty much did my best to hold myself together, tried my best not to laugh and threaten his family, and simply asked if they had any Pikmin 2 for the fucking Nintendo Gamecube left in stock... and that's when I overheard from his Future Shop groupie in the background, "oh, that new kids game? Yeah, tell him we still have a couple in stock..."...

... and, um... WTF?... to them, all I can ask is... What the fuck were those fucktards smoking?...

Pikmin 2... a child's game? WTF?... let's face it... if anything, this game is traumatizing me!

Every single fucking time I lose a Pikmin in this game, I literally recoil in solemn shock at the sound of the poor bastard ghosting its way up to God knows where... I was his leader. I swore to never leave a man behind. And I know war always leads to casualties, no matter how casual that may sound... But goddammit, these Pikmin trusted me! And every single goddam death is on my hands as PikPik blood... I'm being serious here! It may sound ridiculous to those jackasses that I eventually bought the game from, but seriously... This game is haunting me!

The sound of an entire horde of Pikmin, singing their songs... it still hallows me to this day...

... they own me... they seriously own me... I just can't let them down... I can't... not this way...

In the third cavern or something that I found, there were these goddam bug things that kept firing rocks over at my poor Pikmin bastards. And as their Patten, I led them into war, charging on with no regret... until all NINETY, yes NINETY of my goddam Pikmin got run over by a goddam single boulder. And I was left all alone, a general without an army, a soldier without a purpose... And for the first time in a goddam long time, I didn't just reset the system in the hope of saving my worthless gaming stats... No, that wasn't it... because for the first time that I could ever remember, I actually couldn't bear to live with the thought, of going on in the game that way... I don't know how, I don't know why... but I just felt so damn guilty, for leading my damn Pikmin into slaughter...

For the first time in the entire history of real time strategy gaming, I actually cared about losing a single warrior... as easy as they may be to replace, as dark and broody and badass as they may return from six feet down in full, I just couldn't bear to live with the thought of ever leaving a man behind...

That's what this game does to you. And how? And why?... On the outside, the little Pikmin look like nothing more than carrots with eyes. From the perspective of those Future Shop pricks, Pikmin 2 is the type of game that nobody over the age of four should play... But trust me when I say, that this game is perhaps Shigeru Miyamoto's finest moment of originality since Ocarina of Time. And believe me when I actually have the audacity to claim, that Pikmin 2 is absolutely the best RTS I've ever played since Starcraft... yes, Starcraft...

I'll admit it though. I wasn't a huge fan of the first Pikmin... But with the sequel, it was almost as if Miyamoto had listened to every single complaint we gamers had, and poured his literal heart and soul into this one game alone... The time limit was removed. And thank God for that, otherwise I wouldn't have beat the game in time I'm sure (the debt, I mean)... The gameplay was much more streamlined and simplified than even before. I don't even remember once facing a puzzle that confounded me in the nasty ways Pikmin did, like trying to figure out how exactly to pick up explosive rocks to blow over certain walls... The introduction of Louie not only brought forth a nice Luigi kind of homage, but he really helped to manage the Pikmin zombies hordes as well. Colour coding, I mean... And the controls, while not perfect, were absolutely a godsend for a RTS on a console system. Even if I still had troubles launching Pikmin right onto the backs of flying gnat monsters, or selecting only the yellow Pikmin to attack the electrical fences, I still must admit that I never ever would've thought an RTS could control so fluently on a controller with less than 26 buttons of the alphabet...

Like I said, the controls in Pikmin 2 did have their flaws. But you have to give Miyamoto a break there, for already accomplishing so much more than any console programmer before him... Pressing X to separate your Pikmin into distinct colours doesn't always work in closed spaces, but most of the time it gets the job done. And holding A while cycling through Pikmin colours does get screwed by the PCPikmin elixirs, thanks to the Gamecube's tiny D-Pad, but most of the time I never make a mistake... And while it'll always annoy me that tailing Pikmin so often get stuck on walls and just abandon the group, it's still an amazing feat to see 100 goddam Pikmin all swarming the screen at once, with absolutely no hint of slowdown, no matter how badass those Pikmin may be...

There simply is no better sight in the history of mankind, than to see an entire army of Pikmin unleashing headbashing, nail-biting, teeth-gnashing hell on a poor bastard boss. If anyone ever damn questions the maturity of this game, just show them a scene of 50 damn Purple Pikmin, swarming all over a giant flying bastard of a bug, and crashing it down for the rest of the horde to swallow... The animation in this game is simply astounding, given how many damn Pikmin are living and breathing on screen all at once. And the colours in this game are simply breathtaking at times, with the backgrounds being both vivid and majestic in all their beauty... And the sheer creativity in all the little things you do and find in this game? Having to collect love testers and TV antennae as treasures to recollect your Louie's fateful PikPik debt?... Hell, just looking at the Earthbound-like clay figures in the game's own manual, shows you just how much care and precision and actual love went into the making of this one game alone... If only every single Nintendo game had this kind of polish, and had this kind of eerie cheery sort of singing?... Then even with all the assholes working in Future Shops these days, Nintendo would still reign as king of the video game world...

Every game has their flaws though. And unfortunately for Pikmin 2, it's greatest asset was also it's greatest downfall... Part of the reason why I never liked the first Pikmin much was because of the time limit. And Pikmin 2 did solve that, but... Eventually, the game did start feeling repetitive. Having to rebuild your armies constantly (the way the poor bastards were sacrificing themselves at least), and constantly hunting for treasures in what inevitably were either buried or pretty annoying to get to places? I may have loved the combat in this game, but eventually the whole Treasure Planet thing did start to get to me... Pikmin 2 was a puzzle game. And as much love and thought and innovation and care was put into the Pikmin universe, I just never seem to get wholly addicted to puzzle games. They just don't drive me the way RPGs and FPSes seem to do... And while RPGs are FPSes are definitely known for this as well, I just got bored of the repetition in Pikmin 2. The whole thing was search and destroy and gather to satisfy your debt. Nothing else ever happened... I loved the innocence of this game. But it also felt like it was lacking something...

I really wanted co-op campaign mode in the game as well. I have yet to try challenge mode, and the multiplayer battle mode is sure as hell sweet to watch... but without actual co-op like I thought we were promised? I don't know, but Pikmin 2 just can't earn top stellar marks from me without being a game I could really love to play with my brother (not like he'd ever touch this game of course... it ain't Halo...)... And the dungeons in this game? While at first I really appreciated their straight-forwardness, compared to the vast explorations and evil waters of the outside world, I still gotta admit that the dungeons really did get boring in the end. The bad guys just didn't give enough money to be worth the kill. And without combat? The game simply became a point A to point B to point C kind of game, with an unstoppable fury of Pikmin behind you at least... And while I gave the first Pikmin game the benefit of the doubt, for being the best RTS ever on a console, for being the first in what inevitably has already become a brilliant new franchise? The thing is, I just can't bestow on Pikmin 2 the same kind of glory. Because as much as I got addicted to no shit Pikmin, biting the heads off of beetles, kicking ass and taking names... still, it was still mostly more of the same from the first game... and true innovation can only really be credited once...

Did I love Pikmin 2?... well, I loved the Pikmin themselves, but I can't say the game will forever go down as one of my favourites of all time...

But still... please don't get me wrong... Pikmin 2 wasn't just way superior to the original in every single way. It is also one of the best games I've played all year... and definitely one of the most refreshing franchises to ever grace God's green, Pikmin-infested world...

Don't let the cheery, 'teh mature' visuals scare you off. Don't let the eerie, Sound of Music Pikmin singing have you running to the hills... Believe me when I say Pikmin 2 isn't just one of the greatest games of this generation of gaming. It's not just the reinvigoration of the entire gaming industry (and the survival horror genre...) as a whole... It's also one of the freshest, most innocent and innocuous, and ever most addicting games to ever be invented, period... It's so hard to explain exactly what makes this game really tick. Besides collecting ticks for asexual reproduction at least... But just trust me when I say, once you give it a chance, you'll find that Pikmin 2 isn't just one of the best games on the Gamecube. It's also one of the absolute purest gaming sensations you've ever felt since the 8-bit NES era even...

Sure, I found that to be a flaw to some extent... As a pure gaming experience, Pikmin 2 was absolute bliss. But as one of those overhyped, Oedipal-psyched movie-wannabe games out there that I really hate to admit I actually like?... then, yeah... well... maybe Pikmin 2 isn't your cup of tea... except if you're into collecting cups of tea, at least...

But if you actually do want the gaming industry to become like the movie industry?... then I hate you...

... and if you don't feel something, just anything, when your ever faithful Pikmin fall in the line of battle?...

Y2kk Update: What?... No Stargate this week? No F-ing Stargate this week? WTF?...

... damn, this sucks... but it's not like I have absolutely nothing else to write...

... oh wait... that's it... I don't have anything else to write... but I certainly did write a lot this past August of a boring month...

It's not like anyone here would've noticed, but I took the last month or so to catch up on my old DVD TV boxset year end reviews. I was originally planning to cover Stargate season 2 to 5 and nothing really more... but boredom and video game reviews eventually got the best of me, and I tuned out the Stargate franchises for a little bit of lost Joss Whedonesque nostalgic love...

Over the past month or two, I wrote episode reviews for each and every episode in Buffy season one, Buffy season five, Buffy season six, Angel season one, and Angel season two... I wasted all my cash this summer break on $50 CDN a pop DVD boxsets, and wasted even more of my time writing noname reviews for them that nobody will ever read... but if anyone is reading this, at least somebody will know that they exist...

Hence, here's the starting transcript of my Buffy the Vampire Slayer season six review... I'm copying and pasting it here, simply because without Stargate to review, I've got absolutely nothing goddam better to do...

To tell you the truth, I actually loved this season... or loved parts of it, to be more acute...

When it was good, it was really good. Episodes like Bargaining, Life Serial, Once More With Feeling, Entropy, and Grave were some of the best episodes the series had ever produced...

But when the season was bad? Man, did it ever get bad... All the Way, Older and Faraway, Hell's Bells, and the ever goddam woeful Wrecked, were some of the absolute worst hours of television ever produced by any series, bar none...

... and truth be told, the fans of a series tend to remember more of the bad parts of a season rather than the lighter sides of the force... except when seasons one, two and five come into play at least, for some odd reason... but that's besides the point...

Season six is perhaps the most hated season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer ever. The only season to even rival it in loathing and despise, was the god-awful seventh season that I will never speak of again (although I do admit, the first half of that season really did show some real promise... and then it just degenerated from there...). And it was the same way with season six as well... Up until Smashed, up until Anthony Stewart Head left the show and the rest of the cast was left absolutely bewildered and clueless, the sixth season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer was shaping up to be perhaps the absolute best... Hell, I and probably most Buffy fans out there still agree that Once More, With Feeling was perhaps the best episode of Buffy ever produced in the show's entire lifetime...

... but it was also the last truly great episode the show may have ever produced... it was a pinnacle, that the show could never even hope to attain again... and because of that, it's no wonder why the show went downhill... it just didn't stand a chance, not compared to what it had done before at least... and the fans of the series definitely did not take it blindly nor kindly...

With a new television station, the series decided to take a turn for the more edgy side of television... I guess Joss Whedon never got the memo, that dark and disturbed and broody crap does not always equal maturity these days. But that's what the sixth season was all about... The series completely scrapped the light-hearted metaphors from the third, fourth, and even fifth seasons of the show. And replaced them with the cold hard truth about reality... even to the point of creating the ever infamous Normal Again episode (an episode I may have loved, but the rest of the Buffy fans certainly had no love lost for...)...

"Life is the Big Bad", the writers would proclaim for season six... There were no grand villains this season. Just three little nerds that Buffy supposedly went to high school with (although Jonathan was really the only one amongst The Trio to have a rapport)... As a fellow geek, I may have completely adored the humour that the Trio was written in with. But unfortunately, the mainly female demographic of the show just didn't have a clue... The Trio was just a sideshow anyways. Life was the Big Bad now... So instead of epic battles with hell-gods and psychotic sisterly slayers, Buffy had to fight garbage men instead. Or find how to pay the bills. Or God help her, even work double shifts at the Doublemeat Burger Palace... And none of there things were really the clever metaphors that defined the show in earlier series... it really caught the fans off guard...

This was just reality. Buffy the Vampire Slayer was now suffering from reality... and it really hurt the show, in the eyes of so many fans out there... and perhaps even mine as well...

Buffy was resurrected from beyond the grave. Pulled out of heaven by her friends for selfish reasons... And she never really recovered. I don't think the fans ever did as well... She had gone out in season five with the highest of notes, sacrificing her life for the most noblest of efforts. And why? Because Joss thought the show was ending, that's why... and Buffy just couldn't come back from that, both as a character and as a series... All the big ass cards had been dealt, and Buffy Summers spent the entire sixth season wallowing in grief and pain, using her relationship with Spike to just feel anything in life... and in my interpretation at least, she accidentally fell in love with the soulless vampire in all her self-pity. And she couldn't handle that... she wouldn't accept that... and the writers wouldn't either... not with their beloved "canon" for soulless demons and all...

Marti Noxon decided to write for Buffy a big ol' "bad boyfriend" scenario, turning the mild mannered Spike from season five into a horny, bad-influence-on-himself, Randy Giles in season six... Now, I loved the dynamic between Sarah Michelle Gellar and James Marsters. Even when Spike was meant to play basically just a body for Buffy to toy with, you could still somehow feel the heat and passion between both characters. The kind of which I never felt in the completely unrealistic and completely sappy Buffy and Angel romance... But then Marti Noxon, realizing that she hadn't turned Spike into enough of a monster yet, decided to completely ruin his character with an attempted rape and misguided audience misdirection in his holy grail for a soul... And it's a true testament to both Sarah Michelle Gellar and James Marsters at least, that the two characters still seemed like they felt real things for each other, no matter the crap that the writers put their characters through. Hell, I think even the actors were surprised that their characters still seemed to love each other at the end of the season... Marti Noxon didn't want that to happen. She wanted a bad boyfriend. She wanted someone that was wrong for Buffy... and during all that time, it turned out that she was the only one who was wrong in the end...

Until the rape, Spike was no more evil than Buffy was this season... they both hurt each other, both clawing at each other in the moral gray area of things... And that was a problem for the writers. Vampires were never meant to be Roswell gray. They were meant to be black, men in literally black, and not in the dance of capitalist superiority sort of way... Spike broke that trend. He could save, he could protect, he could love, and above all else care... He gave meaning to monsters, to demons who now had the sentience to choose between good and evil.. and the writers took that out on Spike... Marti Noxon, to fix both vampire canon lore and her own goddam personal mistakes... two birds with one yummy stone... she took it all out on Spike... why not Clem instead? Why channel the goddam "bad boyfriend" thing from her past on everyone's favourite Spike?... with the favoritism of Spike being the problem, of course...

... or shall I blame Joss Whedon instead?... can I blame him for the other characters at least?..."

Read more Buffy and Angel season reviews at my IvanFian TV / DVD / Movies noname section...

Now it's time for me to take over my brother's goddam chores and mow the goddam 60' or something lawn I have in the backyard... Fucking nature's a bitch sometimes... except I always love it when she's all natural, if that sounds good that is...

... too bad I'm actually mowing a fucking real grass lawn today... but I can dream, now can't I?...

Y2kk Update: - Electronic Arts' James Bond 007: Everything or Nothing Microsoft Xbox Review (Spoilers) -

... I own 36 Xbox games, and I believe this is my 50th review... I never really thought that I'd ever be bored enough in life, to actually write 50 goddam reviews for just one damn console. But apparently, even I underestimated the amount of worthless, free time I had waiting in the wings... not to mention how many damn crappy games I pick up for dirt used cheap, or rent for free from Blockbuster... but that's besides the point...

Well, that's half true and half false actually... Electronic Arts' James Bond 007: Everything or Nothing really surprised me when I first got it back in Spring... It was much better than I thought it would be. The third person aspect worked amazingly well, considering how crappy EA had made their first person shooters Bond games before... And to be honest? I'm tempted to say that Everything or Nothing for the Xbox is the second best Bond game of all time. Behind the ever classical legacy of Goldeneye 007 for the N64, of course...

... and normally, considering how crappy most of EA's Bond games have been, I'd saying being second behind Goldeneye really doesn't mean a lot for Everything or Nothing... but truth be told? I really did enjoy The World is Not Enough for the N64... And Everything or Nothing, presentation wise at least, kicks the shit out of every single Bond game that Electronic Arts has ever put forth... maybe even TWINE...

Now, I wasn't sure whether a third person aspect would work in a Bond game or not. And truth be told, some things just didn't work out as anticipated... Aiming is a bitch in this game. The lock-on ability normally helps, but EA really didn't think about the kind of crap players would have to go through, when trying to cycle through different enemies on screen all at the same time... And the camera in the game? While definitely above average for a third person shooter, just can't really compare to the authenticity and familiarity that a first person shooter brings... While the framerate and steadiness of the manual camera was definitely one of the better ones EA has ever implemented, it still wasn't perfect. I still had trouble finding the bad guys at times, and the camera really did go wonky thanks to the lock-on abilities at times... Everything or Nothing was great for a third person shooter. But could it really compare against the best of first person games?...

Luckily for Electronic Arts, they've been going through some sort of personal renaissance for themselves lately... Def Jam Vendetta showed promise. Their new Madden, Fifa, NBA, and NHL games all tried to improve for the first time in decades. And I absolutely loved the feel of Need for Speed: Underground... and that's definitely one thing that EA did just as well in 007 Everything or Nothing. Despite all the flaws in the game, still... the actual feel of the gameplay, the actual shaken and not stirred feel to the mood, was now more smooth and more suave and far more Bond, James Bond like than ever before... even compared to Goldeneye, I think...

I loved a lot of additions to the game... I never really cared for the spider-bots, but the grappling hook action was some of the best I've ever seen in a 3d-game... It took me a while to figure it out, that grappling was just as easy as jumping off a cliff. But once I got the hang of it? The actual rappelling simply beats the shit out of anything in the MGS or Splinter Cell series, bar none... and the car stages? The motorcycle stage? Thanks to the use of a modified Need for Speed: Hot Pursuit engine or something, the vehicles really handled themselves well in this game... I will never really enjoy the use of homing missiles and cloaking devices in a video game. The controls did feel clunky for those... But the actual feel of the wheels as you're racing against the clock?... While the helicopter and other non-terranean stages sure as hell could've used more work, the actual driving mechanics on the road were just as priceless as they ever were in the Need for Speed series... I may never truly be a fan of combining a license to kill with the license to drive in a single video game. But Electronic Arts sure as hell knows how to make a case out of it all... though as always, it took them about three games to pretty much get the formula right...

And the presentation of the game? Absolutely stunning... Truth be told, I bought this game for Shannon Elizabeth alone... Sure, I was disappointed that she looks like a disfigured CG monster in the actual game. But damn does she ever look hot, endlessly spinning in that silver silk gown of hers at the starting screen. And hell, I don't think I've ever enjoyed pausing a game so damn much in my life...

Everything or Nothing really went all out or nothing with the actors and actresses this time around... I couldn't care less for Heidi Klum, and Willem Dafoe just didn't seem to put his heart into this epic of a score... John Cleese as the ever beloved R put on a decent show, though he just pales in comparison to Bruce Campbell's stunning performances in the Spiderman games... But Mya's voice really gave the theme song to Everything or Nothing real meaning in the end. I never really liked the song itself, but the fact that it was near-movie quality was simply stunning enough for a video game... And most importantly, the addition of Pierce Brosnan as James Bond himself was what really turned the tide of the game over to the jaw-dropping side of the force. The last Bond games really suffered from a god-awful Brosnan-wannabe of a voice actor, but now that both his likeness and voice had finally been lent over to the 007 license (for perhaps the last time ever, movies included?). It's simply amazing what kind of a world of a difference that a real Bond of a voice can make...

Now, Everything or Nothing didn't feel like a Bond movie or anything. Especially with the god-awful, predictable and cliche plotline of evil nanobots in the hands of Willem Dafoe... But having Pierce Brosnan along for the ride, made the game feel much more than just a game in the end. It added a real sense of importance and authenticity to the atmosphere... and really helped to make the constant third person aspect of James Bond far more bearable than a lack of likeness ever could...

The graphics themselves weren't spectacular, and brief moments of slow down did appear from here and there... But the movie-like atmosphere of the entire game, with giant explosions here and snipers on roof-tops there, all made the feel of the game so much greater than the sum of its parts... The sound in this game was probably the best damn part of the presentation. The effects themselves weren't anything special, but all the star-studded celebrity voice work was a hell of a lot better than hearing Leo the turtle whine in an RPG for the twentieth damn time... And the music? Perhaps the best damn part of the game was the goddam music. Electronic Arts finally nailed the kind of musical score that you'd really expect from a full-out, full frontal James Bond epic... None of the tunes may have been as memorable to me as the midi ones were from Goldeneye. But almost every single stage in the game had better music than even Die Another Day seemed to have... and definitely better than any other recent Bond movie since Goldeneye, but I guess that's obviously not saying much...

Presentation wise, Everything or Nothing simply could not be beat. It was everything a gamer could hope for, especially with the sight of lovely Shannon Elizabeth sucking down the cock of a smokin' hot gun... But there were obviously flaws in the gameplay. There always are, no matter how greatly a game seems to be from first impressions...

The controls in this game were mostly pretty spot on. There's nothing more fun in the world than to mow down endless enemies with a handy MP5... But like I mentioned before, the third person perspective really screws up the lock-on aiming. And the hand to hand combat moves? While definitely comprehensive and a hell of a lot better than any other Bond game has mustered, I still was fighting the camera more than I ever was Jaws during our little encounters... Juggling through items was a bitch in Everything or Nothing. I would've rather just preferred the old tried and true Goldeneye methods, of selecting the weapons I was going to kick ass and take names with... The rappelling like I mentioned, worked absolutely masterfully in this game. But the rest of the Q-gadgets (like the toy car bomb, for example) just didn't feel right. Or felt too much like a toy car, actually...

And to be honest, I bought the game for slightly more than the perks of Elizabeth Shannon in the end... I was expecting a great co-op experience. Instead, I got absolutely the worst multiplayer Bond game since before the days even James Pond... I mean, WTF was Electronic Arts' thinking? The deathmatches were completely lame in this game, with the third person perspective and the lock-on ability ruining any kind of Goldeneye fun... And the co-op? WTF was up with the co-op? It completely felt meaningless, not even being able to play the actual real stages of the game with my brother. Hell, we couldn't even play as Bond, but rather as some ripped-off Lara Craft wannabe... And the co-op special stages themselves just felt tacked on at best, with piss poor objectives, and hard ass enemies that were simply too hard to beat. And without a difficulty setting for co-op, and definitely without any incentive to keep playing on (no plotline in multiplayer), my brother and I just gave up... and went back to Halo, the only damn decent co-op game on the entire Xbox...

I played through half of Everything or Nothing's single player mode in the end... and half of that half was great... I loved rappelling off walls, I loved shooting up terrorists with MP5s, and I even loved driving around in that god-awful Bond SUV (although don't remind me of the parking... never, ever remind me of the parking...)... But throughout those fifteen or so stages, repetition really started to settle in. Even with wacky Q-tip toys and helicopter battles, repetition and boredom eventually settled in... And call me weaksauce if you will, but the reason I never finished this game, was that even on Easy difficulty, the game was too damn hard. Finding body armor was a constant pain the ass, especially after the glory days of Halo shields... I mean, I understand if getting all the gold and platinum medals would be a challenge. But why the hell was I loosing in so many damn stages, even on Easy, when the only real problem with my gaming skills, were the goddam inadequacies of the lock-on system?... It got frustrating in the end, not being able to kill the enemies that I needed to kill when I wanted to kill them, I mean... I kept getting massacred in stages, even the straight forward ones, all thanks to annoying bad guy placements and third person controls that just didn't work... not as well as Electronic Arts would've wanted them to, at least...

Everything or Nothing was absolutely everything I ever wanted in a video game... presentation wise at least... The graphics were amongst the best the Xbox had to offer. The sound was as searing as a movie's. And the music was some of the best I've heard since the 16-bit days... And the inclusion of real actors and actresses? While I normally frown at the thought of Hollywood taking over the video game industry... if Everything or Nothing was any indication of the future... then I welcome the future that Electronic Arts brings...

... except for the piss poor plotline in the game... or the awkward third person perspective controls... or hell, even the challenge of the driving stages were a deterrent... or hell, now that I think about it, why would I ever want a game to be a movie? I've always loved innocent little Nintendo-like gameplay mechanics... it's no wonder why the big box-office budget of Everything or Nothing just got boring in the end...

... afterall... you can only watch so much of a movie, before you just roll your eyes and turn it off...

Ah, yes... Electronic Arts' always manages to create a great game, and then breaks it down with a bunch of flaws in the hopes of fixing them up for the sequels... good ol' EA...

But Everything or Nothing was still a renaissance for the series. It was simply light years ahead of any other Bond game they've ever made, and still one of the best and most polished games I've experienced all damn year... If this is an example of the new Electronic Arts, willing to go all out with everything or nothing for its products, then yes... I do welcome the future that Electronic Arts brings... even if it brings a host of god-awful Hollywood-wannabe clones along for the ride...

... unless the next 50 Xbox reviews of mine are all games, from the ever increasing EA monopoly of a mangled and maimed sort of market...

... Goldeneye: Rogue Agent... now there's a game I'd personally kick EA's ass over... I'd go all out, everything or nothing on its wannabe ass... but that's a story, for another cliche, Bond villain kind of day...

[c. visitors too bored to return...]
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