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Y2kk Update: - Smallville: Zod small Smallville Week in Review (Spoilers...) -

"Clark Kent gets beaten down by Dementors? Goddammit, what's next? Harry Potter kicks Superman's ass? WTF?"...

Uggh... I guess an entire summer off from Smallville made me as much of idealist as Jor'el was, because I actually had high hopes that the episode "Zod" would be goddam decent...

In the end though, when it came to the end of the world? What we got instead, was about as fucking bad as Star Wars: The Phantom Menace...

Seriously, what the fuck was with the Phantom Zone here? The writers threw long time Superman fans a few bones here and there, with the mention of 28 inhabited galaxies for instance. But why the fuck couldn't they have just made the place even remotely interesting? I know it's a desolate wasteland of a prison, but why didn't they keep Clark Kent fighting for his life there for several episodes? Why not extend the whole thing into an arc, rather than just fucking reset the whole damn thing after just five fucking minutes in hell? Why the fuck does Clark with his fucking "oh shit" looks always gets the easy way out? WTF?...

Goddammit, who here actually was surprised that by the end of this episode, Lex had lost his powers and memory, Lana had been knocked out before Clark showed off his abilities, Lois Lane was too dumbass to realize what had happened in the fortress, Chloe and Clark still didn't end up together, and the whole world after nearly tearing itself apart is suddenly perfectly okay and civilized again? Honestly, who here actually doesn't expect all this shit from every fucking goddam Smallville episode there is? WTF?...

And WTF was up with Raya? Sure, the bitch was semi-hot, but goddam was she about as goddam bright as a real residential Lana Lang. Seriously, what the fuck was the point of her goddam self sacrifice, when every single goddam prisoner in the Phantom Zone goddam escaped along with Clark anyhew? How the fuck did she help? WTF?...

Uggh... I guess an entire summer off really did make me forget the goddam perpetual stupidity ever perpetuated by this goddam series...

And goddam, is Lana ever a fucking slut. First, she tries to stab her man in the back like any good bitch would, as if a fucking poker stick would actually have any damn effect on a man who's already proven that he's fucking bulletproof. Then she goes all apeshit horny on him, striving for the whole nine yards by offering nine fucking heirs all at once. And then what does she do, but actually attack Zod again, this time with a teeny tiny knife? Her first fucking attack failed miserably thanks to his super reflexes, so what the fuck possessed her into thinking her second attack would be any damn different? WTF?...

Well, at least she got a fucking sword driven right through her palm. Yes, I laughed. Now, I would recommend that it rather be stuck up her fucking ass, but she'd probably have enjoyed that, so...

Chloe, I was hoping would actually show some potential. The thing is, how did she go from being so much in love with Clark last season, to suddenly being completely infatuated with Jimmy Olsen after just about a couple fucking hours of Smallville time? The entire episode was just her trying to look cute for the camera, as she dates X3 Iceman's twin brother for God knows what reason. Sure, it would have been ridiculously funny to watch Clark pine over Chloe for a change in any earlier season, but I'm just sick and tired of all this teen angst bullshit crap in the series. And where the fuck was the Chloe cleavage? Am I just not getting the team cleavage e-mails anymore or some shit like that?...

Do I even need to mention Lois Lane? She was unconscious the whole episode through in the fucking Antarctic, yet she didn't even seem fazed at all by fucking hypothermia. And why the fuck did Brainiac bring her and Martha Kent to the fucking Fortress of Solitude in the first place? It made no fucking sense. Considering he was the fucking big bad last season, you'd think he would've taken them to the fucking Temple of Doom first rather than the one place that could actually save their asses and save the world. WTF?...

I really don't get what was with Jor'el this episode. Was he Zod? Because you'd think so, if you realize that a) he disappeared as soon as Zod was vanquished to the Phantom Zone again, and b) he has acted like goddam Zod for six fucking years. But then again, why the fuck was he so goddam nice to Lois and Ma Kent? If he was Zod, why the fuck would he tell them about the weapon that could kill his own vessel, and then transport them both back safely to Smallville to retrieve it?...

Why the fuck did he suck up to Martha so much, about being the best shining beacon of light of a mother that he could've ever hoped for his son? Is it because the damn guy is just so horny as hell, being locked away without his bits and pieces for ages, and knows just how much of a slut Martha is to anyone she even remotely begins to goddam trust? WTF?...

Goddam, what the fuck have they done to the series? Mother Kent in this episode was just a fucking damsel in distress for Lionel fucking Luther, who used to be the best damn character on the show until he suddenly became wussified beyond belief. Is he still connected to Jor'el or Zod or whoever the fuck was using him as an Oracle? Who the fuck knows? Does anyone even care? And isn't it all just sad that old man Luthor kicked more Smallville ass at the beginning of the episode than Clark Kent ever fucking managed to achieve? WTF?...

There was only one damn scene that I enjoyed in Zod, and that quite frankly was the big time action scene. For once, the Smallville writers actually made the series feel like an actual extension of the Superman comics, by having a truly epic battle that was only broken by a) Clark Kent being a completely battered wuss, and b) the fucking cheapass, styrofoam rock that was fucking split in half. Though I guess, the only real problem with that battle was that the ending was a complete goddam cop-out. Seriously, how the fuck was Clark supposed to know that the thingy that Raya gave him would trap Zod in the Phantom Zone? Did I just miss the Jor'el-Secretary e-mail CC's in the Kryptonian office about this shit or some crap like that? Where the fuck was my notice? WTF?...

Now, I will give Michael Rosenbaum all the credit in the world for doing the best he could as Zod, but that doesn't mean he still wasn't goddam shit in the role. Maybe it was because the whole Zod storyline was wrapped up in one fucking episode here or something, but I just wasn't threatened by the man who destroyed Krypton whatsoever. I mean seriously, first he pines over Lana fucking Lang of all bitches, then is dumb enough to destroy his only indestructible ship and stop his only unstoppable computer virus, just so he could reprogram a goddam weakass Pentagon satellite that probably even the International Space Station could take out if they wanted? WTF?...

What the fuck was his plan, to make New Krypton? What the fuck kind of dumb ass shit did the writers steal that idea from?...

Y2kk Update: - 2K Sports' / Visual Concepts' Major League Baseball 2K6 Microsoft Xbox Review (Spoilers...) -

I wrote this review of mine earlier today, assuming I'd write about two lines max and then be done with it...

"I used to be the hugest fan of baseball. Or the goddam biggest bandwagon fan, at least...

The '92 and '93 era of sports were the absolutely birth of my fanaticism for all things Toronto. Those were the years I became obsessed with the Toronto Raptors NBA expansion team, those were the years where I was screaming my lungs out to support Doug Gilmour and Wendel Clark and the Toronto Maple Leafs, and those were the years I remember literally standing by my television set with a goddam baseball bat, and swinging on every fucking damn pitch that John Olerud, Roberto Alomar and Joe Carter did back in the day for the Toronto Blue Jays...

But things went downhill after the union strikes for each of those respective three sports though. I lost interest in basketball ironically enough during the glory years of the Vince Carter era, I just can't seem to muster a real boner for Leafs hockey anymore after all the players bitched and complained during the recent lockout, and as for baseball? I used to love that sport so damn much as a kid, and yet after the strike that happened shortly after the Blue Jays had been on the top of the world? I completely forgot about the sport, and went along with the rest of the hockey nation crowds later on, claiming that American baseball was simply the most boring and lazy shit out there...

Now that I'm out of university, things have started to return back to the way they were. It's September 24th right now, and already I'm salivating at the prospect of getting NBA Raptors tickets all season long, and already I'm desperate for the Toronto Maple Leafs to return to fucking Hockey Night in Canada already...

This was the first year in a very long time, where I actually sat down, watched baseball for hours at a time, and actually enjoyed the game for what it was worth. For years, I had mocked my former passion for the game as being just an innocent child who didn't know better back during the World Series era, but now I truly do appreciate the art and form and actual cerebral intelligence that gets pushed and popped into every fucking pitch, every damn throw and every goddam play call. Baseball, just like with American football, is one of the most strategic sports I have ever gotten to witness in my entire damn life, once you sit back to actually analyze and study its worth. And it's now just awe inspiring to me once again to see Roy Halladay or AJ Burnett pitch a near perfect game, as if I was reliving the glory days of Pat fucking Hentgen all over again...

So yeah, short story short, I've fallen back in love with baseball all over again. So why wouldn't I get the latest baseball game for the Xbox, hoping that my love for the simulation of the sport would be rekindled as well?...

The thing was, in essence I fell in love with MVP Baseball 2005 earlier this year before the MLB season even began. And I was disheartened, to say the least, when I remembered that Electronic Arts' had ironically lost the MLB license out of all goddam licenses, to goddam Rockstar and fucking 2K Sports (who had completely massacred MLB 2K5 as a franchise, if memory serves me right)...

I was hoping that as being the only real Major League Baseball game out on the market today (sans Sony's offerings), that 2K Sports' would've learned their lessons from EA and actually improved their gameplay to the point of it actually being fun. Or at least simulate the sport as much as they could, just like they managed to do with their NFL, NBA and NHL offerings over the past few years...

Instead though, MLB 2K6 took the cheap way out. They copied MVP Baseball in almost every way they could, although in some respects, I do kind of thank them for that. A lot of the pitching from MVP made it into MLB, and while obviously the controls are not as tight or concise as they were from EA, I can still feel the raw art form of the sport emanating from the title every time I make a breaking ball with Halladay or a piercing curve from Chacin. I love pitching in baseball, always have and always will, and it's nice to know that at least MLB 2K6 got that part of the formula right (even if they had to steal it, EA style, ironically from an EA Sports game itself...)...

But for everything else? 2K Sports really fucked with the formula, to the point where MLB 2K6 is almost a pure embarrassment of the sport it's supposed to emulate. Take batting for instance, where the default controls have been switched over to the right analog stick. It was supposed to give the user more control over the direction and power of their swing, but all it did was unnecessarily overcomplicate bullshit to the point where either I was always fouling the ball, or I was always goddam swinging early...

It was only a matter of time until I switched back to the classic control style and then almost everything was fine again, except for the fact that the swings that you have in this game are just not nearly as smooth or tweaked as they were in MVP. 2K Sports tried to add some new features, like being able to buy scouting reports for pitchers and batters and shit like that, but considering I never ever bother with dynasty modes or user points in any sports series but NBA ones? Why the fuck should I care if I can learn what pitches Halladay or Santana does most often when the count is 3-2, when the game sucks too much to ever earn those scouting reports through gameplay in the first place? WTF?...

Outfielding is just a pure mess in MLB 2K6, and it hurts to see why. Literally it pains the eyes, as you can't tell where the fuck the ball is coming from, where the fuck it's going, and the movement of the players you control is as goddam awkward as it is skating backwards in NHL 2K6 (which was not good). So damn often I've missed an easy fly-ball, and so damn often I find it impossible to make a diving save or jump to grab the ball before it sails for a home run just over the wall. And even after all that, there's just something damn weird about throwing the baseball back to the infield, as the tweaking and dweaking done to the strength of each of your tosses just seems completely off and random, depending on who you're playing or whatever the fuck is happening when you hold down the Xbox face buttons...

The angels and angles and camera in the outfield are mind-numbingly boggling enough at times, but absolutely the worst aspect of MLB 2K6 lies in the infield. So damn often my players make unforced defensive errors for really no damn reason but bad AI and pathfinding. I've literally had first baseball have a ball dribble right to them, yet they just stand there at first base waiting for somebody else to pick up the ball and toss it to them. On the flip side of things, I've seen a ball head right for the pitcher, yet he just stands there as the fucking first baseman comes to pick it up instead, yet nobody is at first base anymore to receive. WTF?...

Running in the diamond on offence is even worse of a nightmare. The D-pad on the Xbox has never really been precise, but neither are the completely unintuitive controls in MLB 2K6. I've tried stealing bases, only to find myself either not moving until its too late, or stealing the wrong base with the wrong guy at the fucking wrong time. Whenever a sacrificial fly ball is made, I try to only move up one runner (2nd to 3rd base), yet my guy at first always ends up fucking things over by starting towards second base as well. And WTF was with 2K Sports when they thought it would actually be fun to constantly keep tapping the Xbox face buttons to sprint between the bases? Not only does that completely ruin at times the speed stats of each of the players in the game, but more often than not I completely forget to tap the run button, and then get fucking out at first base when I should've had an easy double. WTF?...

The graphics in MLB 2K6 aren't bad per say, but I expected a hell of a lot better considering what we got in MVP Baseball 2005. In the latter, face mappings and body polygons and the fucking lighting in the stadiums were all done to near perfection, because what else could you expect when you really only had three or four characters on screen at once? Yet in MLB 2K6, players just don't look the way that they should, they animate horrendously at times, and the sharpness of the picture on screen looks no better than it does in fucking NHL 2K6. But while NHL 2K6 has the excuse of having ten damn players on the screen at once, why the fuck can't I at least get a clear picture with just a pitcher, a batter, a catcher and a goddam useless umpire in the back? And WTF is with the occasional slowdown still? WTF?...

MVP Baseball also had simply the best kinds of extra baseball modes in the game, as the Dynasty Mode and the Homerun Derby were done to near perfection. I can't say the same for MLB 2K6 though, where the piss poor batting mechanics destroy the entire feat of a home run in the game, and the dynasty mode is worlds behind anything that the 2K NHL, NBA or formerly their NFL franchises once had to offer. How the hell Take Two could've screwed up the MLB franchise so damn horribly when they did so damn well with their other respective sports, I will never know. Especially considering they're the ones who fucking took away the EA MVP series from the bloody hell rest of us in the first place...

Is this all supposed to be some form of payback? Is this shit all because 2K Sports now have a fucking baseball monopoly? They do realize that they still need to sell copies of their goddam games to get back their fucking paychecks, right? Ironically, it's normally EA that I'd be telling this lecturing bullshit to, but ay, there lies the rub...

How the fuck is this fair? Electronic Arts' had finally produced a sports series worthy of the actual sport, and then it gets taken away from them? Hell, if anything, it was the greatness of MVP Baseball 2005 that actually brought me back into the fold of baseball, and let me once again appreciate the sport for the slow yet strategic and graceful samurai of an art that it really is...

It's not like I was glued to my television set for every single Blue Jays game this year or some shit like that. But while in previous seasons, I would've just scoffed whenever a baseball game would rear its slow as molasses head on TV, this year I would leave it on in the background as a perfect background setting to everything I did and enjoyed at home in the summer. Every time Halladay made a picture perfect slider of a pitch, every time AJ Burnett made a stunning curveball, and everytime Gustavo Chacin absolutely embarrassed the batter with a sharp left hook, all I could do was stand up and applaud at perhaps the only real remaining sport out there that really does feel like a true one on one duel of a showdown of the minds...

But how exactly was my rekindled passion for the sport rewarded? By 2K Sports' outright buying of the MLB license, then fucking up everything sweet and holy in MVP Baseball 2005 by copying all of EA's ideas and then massacring them with new bone-headed notions?..

Seriously, WTF is this? Bizarro world or some crap like that? Isn't that normally EA's job? WTF?...

... hell, I never would've thought I'd side with EA Sports in a goddam video gaming debate, but really?...

Please, 2K Sports. Just sell the MLB franchise back to Electronic fucking Arts already...

Y2kk Update: - Stargate SG-1: The Quest (Part 1) and Stargate Atlantis: The Return (Part 1) Reviews (Spoilers...) -

I mean, when it comes to this week's episode of Stargate SG-1, haven't we all seen it all before in Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade already? Or at least, most viewers have. I personally haven't seen the film myself, but something about The Quest just seemed goddam redundant still, and it all just didn't feel right for a mid-summer night's dream of a cliffhanger...

The Quest obviously draws comparisons to Avalon last year, if only for the whole truth of spirit bullshit crap from Merlin and Morgan and co. But as far as I'm concerned, the search for the Sangraal reminds me more than anything else of the search for Thor's Might way back in season two. Thor's Chariot still ranks as one of my favourite damn episodes of all time, because it perfectly merged and blended the puzzles and illusions and mysteries with the action and threat all in one. That episode had everything, from first contact with the Asgard to O'Neill kicking some real Jaffa ass with claymores and shit like that. But really, what did The Quest have except for what literally amounted to a "mime field"?...

I expected big things from this week's episode, considering we all knew from previous year experiences that it would be a cliffhanger. But I was literally rolling my eyes at the end when I was half assuming that the earthquakes would knock Daniel flat on his ass, dangling for dear life off of the narrow bridge in what would amount to being a literal cliffhanger. Then again, I also half expected his grandfather and the giant fucking aliens from season three to return just like they did in The Crystal Skull, but I guess not all fantasies come true, perchance to dream...

Actually, the whole premise of The Quest just didn't seem right to me. Why would it be that Adria would literally give the solution of Merlin's riddle of Stargate addresses to her mother in her sleep, when we probably never would've solved the solution by ourselves in time? Sure, Adria perhaps was hoping to use Merlin's weapon on the Ancients in the Milky Way herself, but really, wasn't she rolling the dice here? Why not just assume we're all dumbasses who will never find the Sangraal ourselves, or why not just gate to the planet and blow it the fuck up with a goddam black hole? WTF?...

Now, I liked some of the puzzles that the SG-1 team came across, as some of them really did make sense. The time maze was an interesting concept (though I figured out the simple solution myself within seconds), the high charity one was definitely some real out of the box thinking (get it?... oh, nevermind...), the stupid ass holographic kid with a smug smile was entertaining enough, and I guess the combination of basic riddles on walls and a wall of fire was good enough to keep me mostly entertained for half an hour. But really, didn't it just feel so damn cheap and low budget in the end, as if the producers didn't even spend a goddam penny on this goddam episode? Hell, I even saw the actors in the time field move and sway with the goddam trees at times. I guess wind really is that damn powerful...

And WTF was wrong with the dragon? It looked two feet tall with shit ass CG. How the fuck am I supposed to give a shit about a wee baby dragon? Where the fuck were my real dragons reigning a hell of fire on their goddam asses?...

Seriously, what the fuck kind of trap was that? It was as dumbass as the one in Return of the Jedi. WTF?...

Because I dunno, but there was just something off about The Quest that I just can't place. Osric himself, even if he was really Adria in disguise, just felt so damn forced and artificial in all his acting that it was too damn obvious that something was wrong with him in the first place. The man didn't even hobble like a broken down hobbit properly, as obviously both Adria and the old man actor had no real fucking clue how to act the age properly. And I know it was all staged with the invasion of the village and everything, but did the Ori soldiers really have to go down from fucking arrows and bullets faster than even goddam Jaffa ever did? I mean, unless they were faking their pins and nail clippings shit, these are supposed to be the unstoppable armies of the Ori that are tearing the Jaffa nation to shreds? Are we sure they're not just underverse rejects from The Chronicles of Riddick instead? WTF?...

Even Ba'al's appearance seemed out of place. The only true defining moment he had was when he had to part with his dear knife, which might've been more significant if he boasted how it was his favourite from the time he tortured O'Neill or some shit like that. Besides that, he was told to "get a room" with the Orici (not that I would blame him if he did... God, was she ever hot in that bloody hell amour of an armour gear... I'll be in my bunk, by the way...) and made wee baby turtle quips which showed just how pathetic the Goa'uld really have become on the series in the past few years...

The only real strength in The Quest was obviously in each of the main characters, and I can barely even manage to write that with a straight face. Now sure, Carter got to tot around her goddam PSP, which gladly broke when push came to shove (as any Sony product would, especially those conveniently sold to early adopters right out of the holiday gate...), and at least it didn't take her forever to solve the prudence of the time maze. But I just wish she really did something else in the rest of the episode, besides being the foil for Ba'al more than any other character on the cast managed to be...

Actually, Teal'c did threaten to force Ba'al through the prison bars if the Goa'uld didn't come to help. But besides that, and by breaking "wind" (or the riddle of the wind, really), did Teal'c do anything else but flex when Vala called him "muscles"? Still, even though he was mainly a background character to match the hue of the walls of the Lord of the Rings mountain, he did have a significant presence. He's sort of like the silent bodyguard or bouncer of the team, and I dunno but that just seems to work for him sadly...

And oh, just before I forget? Since I did forget about him last week, even if he didn't rear his ugly uncle of an ass this week? Just for good measure, considering I'm bashing the hell out of The Quest anyhew, I might as well just point out that... ahem...

... Landry sucks. He sucks fucking Darth balls. And it ain't even funny at all...

Cameron Mitchell himself didn't get to make any jokes besides bitching at the bar maiden before their voyage, if I recall properly. I would've liked at least some sort of comic relief in The Quest amidst all the uber-serious talk of the underverse coming to pass, but whatever. Ben Browder just isn't very useful on the team if he isn't doing some slapstick comedy routine on a Lucian Alliance ship, or if he ain't totting around some G36K along with that goddam Sony PSP of his, blasting the hell out of random Jaffa as if he was playing his goddam SOCOM shit...

Vala tried to bring a smile to the screen with her god-awful night-wear and her little waving of the P90 at her daughter's shiny armoured ass. Besides that though, I was shocked that she barely had a role at all, especially considering this was Adria we were talking about here. Vala pretended to know how to solve riddles, then completely shut up when she admitted that she didn't have a single clue for any of them. I would've thought then that if the writers couldn't make her contribute to the cause whatsoever, that at least she would have more than just one short conversation with her own goddam evil bitch of a daughter. But I guess that was even too much for the writers to comprehend...

Adria herself though, was more interesting and more complex than I ever would've thought she would become. I don't know if the writers intended this though, but does anyone else notice that the girl has a huge fucking Elektra complex? No, she doesn't literally want to kill her mother, but she definitely wants Vala to become complacent and out of the way as a goddam rival. Instead, the whole episode through, Adria was fucking making moon eyes (or evil Ori eyes) at Daniel the whole time. Is it just me, or does she have a huge crush on the man that would be her step father, if only Vala ever got her way? Shall we also bring back Elektra's own mom from Atlantis' The Brotherhood just for a lovely double date of a ride then? WTF?...

And The Quest just wasn't my cup of apple tea either. The only character that was actually done justice throughout the entire damn episode was Daniel fucking Jackson, and even he started to bore me to tears. He was mostly quick on the word riddles, he was intellectual as hell when it came to solving the charity problem (I never would've thought of it), and he was as brave as he's ever been with the wall of fire (even if the same solution has been done in movies a thousand times fold in the past). It's just that, the final ten minutes of the episode really wracked and hurt my brain. If he knew Adria had no powers, unless he wanted to fuck her up the ass afterwards himself, why didn't he just push her off the goddam cliff and let the giant aliens from The Crystal Skull have their way? Maybe his grandfather could've gone apeshit on her ass, just for good measure in his stead...

Now, I normally do love my episodes with puzzles and riddles and academia shit like that. I really did enjoy Thor's Chariot long ago, enough to call it one of my favourite goddam Sci-Fi episodes of all time. And Avalon was a great season opener a year ago, but even that episode probably wouldn't have been able to stand either the tests of time or my own goddam lack of patience and prudence, if it didn't have Cameron Mitchell getting his ass absolutely handed to him by a goddam medieval knight...

We get no such benefits or wonderful badass memories to go by in The Quest (Part 1). Instead, it was a completely bland journey into the absolute middle of nowhere, with absolutely no action or any real memorable character moments to speak of whatsoever. WTF?...

Now, I could've forgiven it all if the writers had just done only one damn thing proper goddam justice...

Hell, they could've just left it up to the imagination, showed some brimstone and fire rising from the depths of the cavern as if the Diablo from Lord of the Rings was coming up to personally whoop their asses. The series didn't even need to show the fucking dragon in the first place, yet the CG team even fucked that up. WTF?...

Why the fuck didn't they just copy and paste a real fucking dragon from fucking Reign of Fire? WTF?...

... bah, that's the only real quest that I care for, the search for the fucking holy grail of dragons...

SG-1 completely failed in that regard. They must've drank from the wrong goddam chalice after missing the last rerun of The Last Crusade or some shit like that...

... at least I won't be agonizing over the second half of this cliffhanger for the next six months...

And The Return? While obviously as the action nutjob that I am, I can't completely say that I was satisfied with what we were given by Stargate Atlantis this week? I can fairly say that I did enjoy The Return, enough to call it my episode of the week...

How the fuck can't I love an episode that started out with the geeky as hell premise of an intergalactic gate network bridge, and capped it all off with an even geekier segment based on goddam World of Warcraft? And how the fuck can't I love an episode where The Ancients returned, although I still have a hell of a lot of doubts in my mind as to whether they were real Ancients or not...

Doesn't it seem far too convenient that a ship from ten thousand years ago, travelling at only 0.999c, would somehow manage to head straight for the docking station point of the brand new spanking intergalactic gate network? The Ancients sure didn't seem very "Ancienty" to me, as they were complete and pure goddam dumbasses the whole way through, enough to not even be able to raise their city shield in time. If anything, I'd expect them to actually be Asurans in disguise, as obviously from our prior encounter that either a) the Replicators are able to fool our PSP life sense detectors, or b) we're just too damn dumb to take ten damn seconds to scan the Ancients and see what the fuck they're made of. So why can't the Asurans pull the same trick on us twice? The only question is...

If these weren't Ancients in an actual wartorn Aurora-class warship, then why the fuck would the Asurans want to let us earthlings peacefully leave Atlantis? Perhaps the Replicators really have no quarrel with us, and simply wanted to stage a bloodless coup of either taking over Atlantis or destroying it, and fooling us into never returning to the Pegasus Galaxy ever again? It would certainly explain why they suddenly chose now to attack Atlantis with one ship, instead of just doing it weeks ago before the Ancients ever arrived back in the city. And if the Ancients really are Asurans in pretense, then it would explain why the Atlantis directors recasted Linea, the destroyer of worlds from way back in Stargate SG-1's season three, as goddam Helia of the useless Ancient warship...

Then again, why bother taking Woolsey and General O'Neill captive if the Replicators didn't actually want to harm us? What if those really were real flesh and blood Ancients in the city of Atlantis, and they were simply too damn dumbass to do anything right, just as if they had been written into Before I Sleep in the first place? WTF?...

But forgetting about all the Ancients, the title of "The Return" has far less to do with the Ancestors returning to Atlantis, as it does about the Atlantis expedition team returning home. The only question is, what is "home" for them? Because things sure felt a hell of a lot different here than it did back in that shitty ass first season episode of the same damn name...

There was essentially no action in The Return, aside from just General O'Neill sending a little data burst home, claiming that the Replicators were storming the city. Instead, this episode was entirely a character piece, and it was a damn good one at that. We got to see the effect it had on every single member of the cast of being ousted from their home of Atlantis. And to be honest, I enjoyed this episode far more than I ever would've thought if I had known in the first place, that the return of the Ancients was actually the B-plot of the goddam show...

You know an episode somehow captured my attention and imagination, when even Elizabeth Weir seemed like a real human being with feelings and emotions that for once didn't just seem to belong to some goddam bar bitch. It was weird as hell seeing her curled and furled up in a ball like a teenage girl who had just lost her prom date, but it was also cute and human as hell to see her unable to let go of the best years of her life. She was damn hot (the hottest she's ever been) in just a little jacket and jump suit in her own little apartment, and it just seemed to perfectly fit her character to a T (T for titty...) that she would go into hiding and recluse after being the leader of all the humans in another galaxy. After being a bitch for so long, it's nice to notice that perhaps (just maybe) she was only putting up a pretense for the job...

... well, faking shit or not, that would mean that she's still really a bitch, but whatever...

And seriously, since when has Torri Higginson ever gotten to be funny? I may hate Dr. Lee with a passion, but goddam did I ba'al out laughing this week at the mere mention of World of Warcraft. Seeing a girl as hot as Dr. Weir flirt with a complete and utter gaming nerd like Dr. Lee was simply hilarious, if only because she had no fucking clue what the fuck she was saying, and if only because it gave me fucking hope for the future of my lonesome self...

I don't care how hot and flirty she may have been. I just don't date bitches who don't get video games. I have standards. End of story...

Maybe that's just me. But even so, what the fuck was wrong with Dr. Lee? Trying to flirt back with a girl over that worthless pile of shit of an excuse of a MMORPG game? WTF?...

Because completely unlike The Quest over on SG-1 this past week, not only did Atlantis actually have some real comic relief, but it also somehow reproduced the feeling of a real SG-1 episode more than its parent show managed to do this week. WTF?...

But it's true. Because with the entire expedition team back on earth, the first sightings of actual Zat gun in Atlantis, the moment of Siler getting his ass whooped for the thousandth time in the series, and of course General fucking Landry sucking darth balls the entire episode through? How was this not supposed to be an SG-1 episode then? How the fuck can't I admit that Atlantis was both ironically the best episode of the week, and the best SG-1 episode of the week as well?...

Why is it that Richard Dean Anderson has been guest starring more in the spin-off than he ever seems to do on the actual series he used to produce and own? Sure, he seemed to phone in his performance mostly here in The Return, but it was still great to see him back nonetheless. Right off the bat, I felt a welcome warmth of Jackism (if that sounds good) at his comment about "maidens and voyages". Sure, he got his ass kicked by Replicators yet again, just like in the good ol' days. But if only we had gotten a few more comments about "celestial bodies" to go along with those would-be maidens? Then ah yes, all would have been forgiven...

The weird thing is, normally a guest starring role from an actor of his stature and nature in the Stargate underverse would've taken away time from every other main character. But that just wasn't the case somehow in The Return, where even Teyla and Ronon got their moments in...

Well, maybe Ronon did absolutely nothing but whine like a little bitch and shed a tear when Sheppard was returning to earth, but Teyla got to have some real character development at least. You could literally see her whimpering like a bitch at the fact she wouldn't get to suck on Torri's titties any longer. And if only I was there when the "Ancestors" booted off the entire Athosian settlement that had been worshipping them for thousands of years? Well, I was laughing at their misfortunes even without seeing it, and I sure as hell would've been laughing my ass off if I had...

When it came to earth though, The Return truly was a character piece at heart. The heart of the show has always been Colonel Sheppard, and he really did seem heart-broken when he had to roll up that Led Zeppelin poster of his and roll out the wheels on his Callaway golf bag. He was immediately given a command at the SGC, but it just wasn't the same to him. He lives and breathes the Atlantian ocean (well, the Atlantis ocean), and while it seemed awkward to me to watch him get carried away by an overbearing Ronon like some freshman frat boy, you could really see just how much it was tearing him apart to disband his team...

Though oh, by the way, I guess they forgot about Lt. Ford alone in the Pegasus Galaxy. Leave no man behind. Pfft, oh well...

Poor McKay as well. He started off the episode so damn jovial, boasting of his "McKay and Carter" intergalactic bridge of Stargates, and then ended off six weeks later whining and cringing about having an entire nuclear power plant-sized naquaada reactor for a lab. The poor guy was depressed and morbid the whole way through, yet even then he was just as funny to me as he ever was before. Meredith was even embarrassed yet again at dinner by an unsuspecting reminder of the kiss he once shared with Carson, something that Beckett seems to remember far too well...

Because was it just me, or did Dr. Beckett just seem a bit, I dunno... gay, this episode?...

Not that he didn't seem like that before, but still? First, he tears up like a baby when saying goodbye of all things to Rodney, and then seems to be fantasizing about McKay when supposedly mocking him about the kiss they once shared? And seriously, if the character wasn't gay, why the fuck would he ever break up with Cadman? If only you could get that bitch in an evil Adrian armour of amour, I'd never leave the bunk...

All not-so subtle references aside, Dr. Beckett really did shine in The Return, perhaps more than any other episode this season so far. He really had a heart-warming scene with Elizabeth in her apartment, making a house call as a true doctor and friend should always do. And then really, how the fuck can't you feel bad for the guy later on the episode? First, he gets left out in the dark when everyone else's cellphone starts ringing off the hook, and then he experiences the pain and guilt of killing his new pet turtles. I mean seriously, what is it with writers and having Scottish characters have fucking baby turtles?...

... I would prefer to save the pandas and the dragons, but maybe that's just my Dr. Suzuki take on things...

But weirdly enough, it wasn't just with Beckett that Dr. Weir had a breakthrough moment with. She really did shine and evolve as both a character and an actress, when sharing her feelings and emotions with Sheppard before they had left the city of Atlantis. There really wasn't much dialogue there, but you could feel the connection between the both of them there anyhew. Perhaps it wasn't really romantic, but there was definitely a feeling shared there, over their love for the city and their longing to stay...

Now, I personally don't understand why the fuck they'd want to stay in a goddam busted ass city ship that a) never worked properly for them in the first place, b) has a database that has had absolutely no useful benefit to humanity whatsoever so far, and c) is a place where they have been almost eaten by the Wraith on more goddam occasions than just one...

And yes, I am pissed off at the writers for not only having absolutely no action in The Return whatsoever, but for making the most cliche of cliffhangers at the end with the goddam sight of the Stargate tunnel of all things. Who the fuck writes this shit anyhew? WTF?...

No episode is complete without real dragons, not that World of Warcraft bullshit type...

And yes, this episode did feel far too incomplete for its own good. As if we were watching The Return of the Jedi or some shit movie like that...

Y2kk Update: - 2K Sports' / Visual Concepts' NHL 2K7 Microsoft Xbox Review (Spoilers...) -

There was a time when I said I'd gladly pay $20 out of my pocket for mere roster updates for sports...

Because yes, that's pretty much all that NHL 2K7 for current-gen consoles (Xbox and PS2) amounts to in the end. Hell, I don't even think Visual Concepts and 2K Sports' even bothered to add anything actually new to the game, but rather just held back on their annual roster patch that you could normally just download for free off of Xbox Live...

NHL 2K7 is simply NHL 2K6 with updated rosters. Is there really any more to say? Both EA and 2K Sports this year put all their effort into their next-gen versions of their sports affairs, which strikes me as goddam weird considering that their Xbox and PS2 versions will undoubtedly sell far more than their Xbox 360 and PS3 counterparts will for the next entire year. Are these companies simply thinking ahead for the future then, or are they simply so damn cheap because they know that gamers like me are actually somewhat willing to pay twenty fucking bucks for what should've been a free roster update in the first place? WTF?...

Okay, so maybe there are a few minor improvements to the gameplay in NHL 2K7 over last year's Xbox incarnation. There's a new camera view that while disorienting at times (due to dynamically shifting angles), is closer to the ice somewhat and kind of gives you a better overall view of the rink. The frame rate is still sketchy and choppy at places, but I've noticed slowdown issues far less so far than I did with 2K6. And there are a few new defensive button combinations that you can make with the controller now, like telling your AI teammates to go cover some random guy on the wing in a rush or some crap like that...

And yes, I will gladly admit that overall, I do like NHL 2K7 more than I did 2K6. Programming wise, I'm sure 2K Sports did almost nothing at all, but the game definitely has a far better feel than previous year versions simply because of the adjustments they made to all the default sliders. I don't feel like I'm moving at only two knots an hour anymore, as my players actually skate faster and harder than they did before, and a few new added skating animations really have done the trick as well. Some would claim that 2K7 is more arcadey than its predecessors and that I would agree, but I personally feel that all the little tweaks and dweaks that the developers (or QA testers?) did to this year's game really does match the uptempo style of speed and skill that the new NHL really stressed last season far better than last year's game did...

Because yes, 2K7 is definitely a more exciting game than 2K6 was. 2K6 and all the 2K hockey games before it tried to be simulations, but they were basically just simulations of the goddam New Jersey style of old skool trap hockey, which I don't count (as a Leafs fan) as real goddam hockey. Here in 2K7, you still get all the defensive bells and whistles programmed in from prior, like pinning a man to the board and kicking the puck from out of the corner of the rink. But it's all done a lot smoother and a hell of a lot more quicker than it was before, and it's amazing just the kind of added fun that you can have by essentially what amounts to just a quick hack of the default slider settings in the preferences window pane...

And yes, if you're looking for roster updates, then 2K7 is definitely your hockey game. While NHL 07 and EA Sports is so damn cheap that they already forced me online just to get a roster update with Mike Peca on the goddam Leafs, I'd pretty much say that 2K7 is as updated in terms of NHL teams as they possibly could've been with shipping dates. Not only that, but I've experienced over the past year with 2K6 that 2K Sports' is really great when it comes to roster updates online (provided that things don't change), and it's not that hard to just to get a free trial month of the service when the NHL trade deadline finally comes and passes...

But really, is that what all NHL 2K7 is? It's just bloody hell NHL 2K6 with updated rosters, a new camera angle, and some goddam tweaking to the game slider settings that anyone with the time and patience could've made by themselves last year? There's still all the old flaws from the old games here, even if they are more hidden than before, and I just still feel a bit cheated out that this was all that we got after one more year of development, and this was all we got after one more year of me forking over my hard earned cash...

The offensive game still feels primitive and confined to EA's standards, as deking and rebounds and tip-ins rarely hold a candle to just the mighty ol' one timer as it was in last year's game. The defensive presence may still be worlds ahead of anything that NHL 07 on the Xbox has to offer, but it still feels awkward with the controls somehow to skate backwards and poke check the hell out of the puck, especially compared to playing the new NHL games on the Xbox 360 this year...

The graphics are still Dreamcast shit while the sound (aside from the CBC commentary) just has absolutely no real presentation value compared to EA's NHL series or even 2K Sports' other goddam sports games themselves. The highlights at the end of each period just reeks of a slapshot of sticking together random plays with no idea of the significance of any of them (plus a seven second delay...). And seriously, WTF is with that goddam loser of a noname celebrity in the stands every fucking game? Couldn't 2K Sports have just ported over their goddam own programming code of crowd moments from fucking NFL 2K5? WTF?...

NHL 2K7 is simply NHL 2K6, with updated rosters, a new camera, a gas shortage and a flock of seagulls. That's about it...

There was a time long ago when I was bitching about $60 game prices, that I would happily pay twenty damn bucks for just a roster update to my favourite goddam sports games...

Because for twenty fucking dollars? Meh, I guess you really do get what you pay for...

Y2kk Update: - Stargate SG-1: Company of Thieves and Stargate Atlantis: Phantoms Reviews (Spoilers...) -

To be honest, I sadly enjoyed the Lucian Alliance episodes in the ninth season of the show sort of as a guilty pleasure. They were silly, campy, ridiculous fun that was just awesome to watch over and over again for the sheer thrills of all the explosions and stupidity. And I was hoping for more of the same from Company of Thieves, only to be disappointed on first glance...

I mean seriously, we start off the episode with the Odyssey getting its ass kicked, and then Colonel Emerson gets whacked by sheer overkill? Then we're reduced to some lameass scene of Carter actually crying for the first goddam time in the series since I think Cassie was about to be sacrificed way back in season one? Why the fuck are we supposed to care again? WTF?...

But yes, the second time I watched this episode? More of the little fun quirks of the Stargate universe finally began to shine through. It's not like I gave a damn about Paul Emerson in the first place, and obviously neither did that helmsman Marks either, considering he was making jokes and jabs about always being ready to press the "fire weapons" button by the time the hour was over. I mean, when you have Daniel fucking Jackson in the command chair of your ship instead of say the XO of the fucking warship, then you know the series has reduced itself back to Prometheus Unbound levels of infinite stupidity...

I mean seriously, was it just me, or did it feel absolutely ridiculous to hear the Lucian Alliance talk about Earth as if we were the true superpower in the galaxy?...

"The Tau'ri vessel is most powerful. You could not have possibly expected him to survive"...

WTF is he smoking? Is he talking about that fucking ship of ours that didn't even touch any of the three motherships attacking it? WTF?...

But yeah, while obviously it's not like Company of Thieves is quite in the company of such classics as Shakespeare, I did enjoy it enough on subsequent viewings to consider it my episode of the week. If only because it stole the award from a well written and acted Stargate Atlantis episode, that is...

I dunno though, there's just something wacky and silly and real campy ass fun when it comes to watching Vala beam bad guys out into space, watching them suffocate while doing that cute little darling wave of hers. I don't quite know why she switched roles with Daniel here (with Jackson being the pure dumbass comic relief this time around), but I didn't really mind considering I got a real kick out of watching Vala kick that ol' rust bucket of a cargo ship into cloaking. There were just a lot of little moments in there, like the hanger deck scene ripped straight out of Star Wars, that were just so ridiculous that it actually made her character seem goddam ingenious in the end...

Now, why in the end Teal'c didn't just get a goddam cargo ship from the Jaffa like he always does instead of trusting whatever the fuck Vala bartered for on the market, I really don't know. But I guess he really does just love getting his abs tortured and his ass raped by Netan and his goddam group of poker stick buddies...

Well, obviously it's not like Teal'c had much to do in Company of Thieves, considering he was tied up and left to rot in some cell for the bulk of the episode. And obviously Colonel Carter was pretty much just left in the background of the Odyssey, with her only personal moment being oddly when she turned me on as she turned that ol' little wrench in her hand on its side. Now, why the fuck she wasn't just raped by Anateo like any good girl would've been as the spoils of pirate conquest, I don't know. Unless that's the real reason why she was fucking crying like a bitch in the cargo hold, that is...

Company of Thieves was Cameron Mitchell's chance to shine though. And while obviously he probably fucked things up more than he helped out (would Netan even have found the Odyssey in time if Mitchell hadn't told him about it?), I did quite enjoy his over the top portrayal of a badass lieutenant in command. I loved how callous he appeared throughout the whole dinner table scene, embarrassing Netan while enjoying the fruits of his betrayal without even batting an eye. And I don't know, but I actually thought it was smart (though maybe unwise for new viewers) for the writers to have brought back the whole chemical disguise thing from way back in season five...

I mean, even though I knew Mitchell had jabbed that Jabba the Hutt guy in the arm with his whirly ring, I still was left dumbfounded when Netan suddenly showed up on the other mothership as I really had no clue what the fuck was going on. WTF was I smoking?...

... sigh... I guess episodes like this really do make me dumber by the second...

Now sure, Company of Thieves was far too morbid at the beginning yet far too ridiculous late ron for its own good at times. Logically speaking, there really wasn't much intelligence anywhere in the episode. I mean, in all seriousness, with the Ori conquering our entire galaxy and the Wraith knocking on our doorsteps, Earth is now all ready and willing and gung-ho to let loose the dogs of war on a goddam third front against the Alliance (or fourth if you include the remnants of the Goa'uld)?...

And apparently, SG-1 has always been the greatest antagonists for the Lucian Alliance? WTF?...

... enough for me to actually enjoy Company of Thieves the second time around...

... after that goddam chemical mindfucked into my forehead finally ran its course...

And truth be told? I was actually quite impressed with Phantoms. Because just like with almost every other episode in the third season of Atlantis (with Misbegotten being the one damn exception), Phantoms was well acted, well scripted and definitely had a strong sense of team bonding. There was great comic relief at times, and we finally got some much needed backstory on the personalities and inner thoughts of nearly every main cast member on the team...

Is it because I've seen it all before so many times? You know, the kinds of stories where some alien device or some spatial anomaly starts affecting the minds of the main cast members of a Sci-Fi series, has been seriously done to death. Hell, at first while watching Phantoms, I could've sworn I was rewatching Colonel Maybourne and Jack O'Neill going at each other's throats in Paradise Lost or some sixth season crap like that. Obviously, the concept of this episode has been overdone in the past, but the execution of Phantoms still surprised me with just how much depth it actually gave each and every character...

Because, okay, maybe not every character was done justice. Dr. Weir was still a fucking moronic bitch, never even once contemplating the thought of sending a damn Puddle Jumper for the rescue. Sure, she didn't realize what the fuck was going on, or why the UAV (they have those in Atlantis now?) was seemingly shot down by who knows what. But a Puddle Jumper has the ability to not just evacuate a team into the safety of space, but also has the fire-power to fucking blow almost any damn enemy out of the sky. It sure could've helped here, no matter what the circumstance, considering the SGA team was being tentacle raped in the mind by simply a fucking Wraith experiment gone wrong...

But besides the usual bitch back on the base? Well, except for the fact that her own bitch of Teyla somehow was smart enough to figure out the fucking computer that Rodney had been using on the Wraith device all episode long, I didn't mind the other woman on the show. It was about bloody menstrating time that Teyla felt the pain of one of earth's bullets, considering we gave her a fucking P90 long ago without ever once considering that she didn't even know back then what the fuck it does. And the thing is, while it was horribly painful at times to listen to her whine to "John" as the damsel in distress all episode long, she did play a key role in the end by playing to his hallucinations and getting him to pull the umbilical cord on the Wraith device. I actually found the friendship between her and Sheppard, even when he was in a state of utter bongified stupidity, to actually be kind of touching in the end...

We were promised some more backstory on Colonel Sheppard, which I don't think we really got. We did get some awesome cinematography of the desert landscapes of Afghanistan however (or the beaches of Vancouver... whatever), and I really did enjoy just how much work was put into making an authentic wartorn atmosphere into the series. But as for his actual history with Captain Hollands' Opus, we learned absolutely nothing new about Sheppard or his "supposed black mark in Afghanistan". What we did learn though, was that even in his hallucinatory state of mind, he actually saw Teyla as his close friend, the one he risked both his life and his career over in a desperate attempt to save...

Meanwhile, Sheppard saw Ronon as Taliban and Ronon saw Sheppard as Wraith. And we actually witnessed through Ronon's eyes that both Teyla and McKay were still human, and that he was simply protecting them from the threat of being fed upon. He saw the same shit in Lieutenant Leonard as well, which begs the question of whether a) Ronon is truly a man's man, or b) he's gay for Wraith. Either way, while we didn't learn anything new about his backstory or whatever, we did learn that he does see himself as the action-hero protector of the people, while Sheppard seems to have a deep-rooted fear of both abandonment and leaving his friends behind. And both of those mini-epiphanies if you will, were pretty damn cool...

It was also damn awesome for the writers to finally dust off those ol' Kull Warrior Super Soldier costumes, even though they didn't make absolutely any sense in the context of the episode. But whatever, we got a Major Leonard who not only blew the Stargate DHD apart with C4 but blew himself up with a friggin' frag grenade. How the fuck can you possibly not cheer and roar like a real man at logic such as his?...

On the flip side of things, we learned absolutely nothing new about McKay, except for the fact that he had no ill aftereffects from smoking pot except for an irresistible urge to hear Teal'c go, "Yo, Wonderbread". His hallucinations really didn't show anything of his personality at all, except perhaps his underlying fear that he will eventually fail at science and that his mistakes would ultimately cost the team. Of course, how the fuck can't I still love the guy for whining like a little bitch first about being shot in the ass with an arrow, and then later with a bullet by Sheppard to the gut? Phantoms at times really did take itself too seriously as an episode, but McKay was always there for the comic relief save as always...

Now, the guy who's rarely ever there on the series has always been Dr. Beckett, and I was pleasantly surprised that not only did he get so much worthwhile screentime in Phantoms, but that his character actually went through a hell of a lot of personal discovery as well. Beckett described the experience as the most unsettling thing he has ever lived through. And besides the fact that he dealt with The Thing (Part 2) on the series when it came Kagen coming back from the grave, I kind of agree with his fucked up assessment of the situation. Because to be honest, even after all those fucking times I watched A Beautiful Mind, I still didn't suspect for the longest time that that black red shirt, Sargeant guy here really was the first to die (even if the black brother is always written by law to be the first to die). And you could really see it in Beckett's eyes by the end, that it was killing him inside knowing that his own fear and obsession about saving Kagen's life probably led to that other random red shirt being left alone and unattended to on the floor, bleeding to a cold and painful cot of a death...

... well, now that I ain't high, I stand corrected... Ben Affleck was not da bomb in that...

Now, couldn't Dr. Beckett have just left that asshole to die instead? I think the rest of the world would have definitely approved...

And yes, I definitely do approve of Phantoms, from an wannabe-writer's point of view at least. The script was strong, the cinematography was inspired, and the actors all brought their A-game...

... I just couldn't really give a shit about the plot and thick of it though, that's all...

Now sure, maybe it's just the Wraith device talking, but I swear I've seen it all before...

... or maybe it's that fucking jab with a ring in the arm that's finally fucking over my brain...

Y2kk Update: - Stargate SG-1: Memento Mori and Stargate Atlantis: McKay and Mrs. Miller Reviews (Spoilers...) -

Why is it that every single episode with the word "Memento" in it, always ends up being not even the least bit memorable? WTF?...

Now, I can only hope that Memento Mori was just a post-it note for the final season of the series, intended to save money for the real episodes dealing with the Ori Mori and Mock and Mindy of the show down the road...

I mean seriously, an amnesia story? I already forget if SG-1 has tried that kind of shit before, but that's probably because I've already blocked it from goddam Goa'uld genetic memory. So why the fuck would the writers ever bother to try again? Did they block all their goddam past failures from memory too?...

Somebody please explain to me why Vala in her amnesiac state did not believe in the idea of gods and aliens and all that shit, when technically that's the crap that she grew up with as a child. Wouldn't she find the world of earth to be alien, considering I thought amnesiacs sort of revert back to the native tongue (or native planetary knowledge, in this case)? Memento Mori could've been much more memorable if perhaps she had actually gone back to her old village pretenses, the type she would've had before being taken host to a Goa'uld. But instead, we got fucking Val Venis in a dinner, showing off her struts to some fat ass, horny owner who was desperately hoping to tap some of that Star Wars ass...

There were only two scenes in the entire episode that I was willing to endure, and both of them dealt with the Daniel and Vala dynamic. The scene in the restaurant between the two of them was decently touching, and I got a hell of a laugh out of the fact that ol' Danny boy showed up to the place in a fucking mini-van of all things. And yes, we got the same kind of connection between the two actors in the final scene as well, when Jackson was blushing like a school boy on Viagra when Vala let rip with the news of their date a few weeks back. It's obvious that just like the Sheppard and Weir affair going on over in Atlantis, Memento Mori was simply supposed to be a romantic linking between Vala and Daniel, without ever being openly overt about it to the fucking 'shippers and haters there on the net...

Because I mean, was it just me, or did anyone else not just laugh at the fucking 'karaoke' reference here, but also kind of wanted to see it too?...

... or is that just the fucking inner Asian FOB in me, screaming to thrust out and sing my heart out?... I dunno...

Because besides that one comment? Did I even laugh once throughout the entire damn episode? Sure, I chuckled when the entire SG-15 team got slaughtered trying to save one damn member of SG-1, and yet nobody on the SGC base even batted an eye. And sure, that blonde skank of a chick playing Athena got a few fucking snickers out of me as well, seeing how the mighty Goa'uld have now become corporate stock traders on earth of all things. But really, even that Athena bitch couldn't save the show for me, considering that I actually used to adore reading stories of Aphrodite, Artemis and Athena (the triple AAA's, I used to call them) back in my youth? Couldn't the SG-1 crew at least have picked a decently hot and intelligent looking brunette chick (like I've always imagined) to play the part? WTF?...

Okay, well, I do admit that I guess I got a small semblance of entertainment from the sight of seeing Cameron Mitchell hand-cuffed to a fucking motel bed, naked without his goddam shirt or pants. And I'm sure Sam got a thrill out of it too, considering she's the one always catching him with his goddam pants down. I mean, it's obvious that the writers threw the ol' Farscape 'shippers a bone with the whole Vala and Cam shit with ice cream on the bed, and it's also obvious that the writers just wanted to keep the option of a Cam and Sam shit bag of tricks open for the future as well. But really, besides being a goddam teen angst soap opera, did Memento Mori do anything decent at all?...

Sam was barely visible at all, though at least I was relieved as hell that her goddam, so-called incognito leather jacket from season eight was goddam missing in action. Daniel meanwhile did get his two moments in with Vala, but all he did was look stoned, dazed and confused for the rest of the goddam show. Teal'c got to interrogate a Trust operative yet again in the ways that only Christopher Judge can do, then looked like a completely inept warrior when it came to that lame ass firefight at the end. And Cameron Mitchell got to try to look all badass in some generic motorcycle chase, but it just didn't feel right or natural without a) Sam the season five motorcycle chick riding shotgun, or b) without that goddam one-handed shotgun from Terminator 2 in Cameron's badass hand. WTF?...

At the end of Memento Mori, I guess we were meant to remember Vala finally getting the opportunity to join SG-1. Of course, I ended up blocking that fucking scene from memory too, considering goddam Landry made the whole moment suck fucking balls...

So why is it then, that every single episode with the word of "Memento" in it or some shit like that, always ends up being not even the least goddam bit memorable or even goddam likable? Is it some sort of cruel inside joke to the viewer or some crap like that? WTF?...

Why is it that every episode with the word of "McKay" in it, ends up being exceptional and completely memorable in the end? WTF?...

But it's just that, David Hewlett really is the best damn actor on Stargate Atlantis, and the character of Rodney McKay really is the best damn personality that either Stargate series has ever produced since Jack O'Neill and Daniel Jackson were first introduced. And not only did we get our own fair helping of Rodney McKay in this episode, but we got a double serving with both his alternate universe doppleganger and his sister too in the end. So how the fuck can I possibly complain?...

Although I do have one small nitpick, however. I mean seriously, who the fuck did the casting for Rodney McKay's sister? Not only did they completely not have any of the chemistry of a real brother and sister relationship whatsoever, not only did she completely not resemble what Rodney's real sister would look like in the imagination, but the actress born and raised in Canada couldn't even pronounce "sorry, eh" probably in the right sort of cute, Canadian way. WTF?...

Well, alright, so maybe casting Kate Hewlett as David Hewlett's sister on the show was kind of brilliant. Now, the latter actor may kick my ass for this, but I did kind of wish that his sister looked a little bit slimmer on the camera at the hips than she actually did (though I guess she had motherly hips), considering this is Stargate Atlantis starring John "Kirk" Sheppard afterall. But getting that out of the way, Kate really does have a beautiful face, she really does have a voluptuous smile and an infectious bubbly personality, and I really did love her performance her in McKay and Mrs. Miller. So much to the point, that I actually do wish she would come back to the show for an encore...

... well, as long as we get Lt. Cadman there too to, you know, help Jeannie feel more at home... ahem...

But even without hot, smokin' lesbian sex (which we get enough of from Dr. Weir and Teyla anyhew)? I really, really, ridiculously enjoyed the first half of this episode (and pretty much the latter half as well), simply because of all the sibling quips between Rodney and his sister. The "sorry" comment with Carter instantly comes to mind, and you gotta love a sibling rivalry where that Jeannie bitch mocked her big bro when it came to solving theoretical physics in her spare time with goddam fingerpaints. Who here didn't at least snicker when Rodney was slapped on the arm for "starting" the war with the Wraith? And c'mon, considering the man destroyed an entire solar system back in Trinity? Rodney sure took it like a real man on his chin when it came to all his faults and failures being listed like a goddam phone book for all to hear here in this episode...

You know, I absolutely hated Trinity back in season two, but perhaps that was always because there was never a real book-end to all the crap that happened to McKay then and there? McKay and Mrs. Miller in essence was a spiritual sequel to the time he blew up an entire goddam solar system, and not only did that bring extra meaning to this week's show, but it made Trinity into a much better episode as well. I personally very much enjoyed McKay and Mrs. Miller for bringing some real closure to the events that transpired last year, where Rodney actually apologized for losing the trust and affection of his team. He may not have earned it all back in season three just quite yet, but his realization of an epiphany here that he was truly not the greatest guy in the face of the universe (or the multiverse, really) just somehow felt like a brilliant epilogue to what was once a hated episode of mine just one year ago...

McKay and Mrs. Miller was a great character piece, and I knew it from the very moment that Rodney got that little bitch of Madison hugging his legs. Part of the reason why I enjoyed it so was obviously from the sense of wonder and bewilderment on Jeannie's face the whole way through, as I always seem to have a thing for episodes where somebody discovers the Stargate program (see my SG-1 review for Covenant, if you don't believe me). Kate Hewlett did an absolutely fantastic job in seeming like absolutely the most adorable deer in the headlights at the sight of being in orbit around earth, flying through subspace, or witnessing a Roswell gray alien go "yay or nay". And meanwhile, Rodney himself was discovering a whole lot of shit himself, not just when it came to his sister and her family, but also within himself as only a doppleganger can truly bring out...

Actually, I think McKay and Mrs. Miller actually hit me on a more personal note, which is why I somehow actually felt a tear shrug at the corner of my eye when it was all said and done. This wasn't just an episode trying to fill in the blanks from Trinity (and Letters from Pegasus), but rather about Rodney's entire life ever since he was a child. I laughed along with the rest of the SGA team when it came to the cruel jokes about bedwetting and shit like that, and Samantha Carter's best fucking moment in either Stargate episode this week came when the name of "Meredith Rodney McKay" was finally revealed. But all the mocking was done really at the expense of McKay, and while obviously I laughed along with the rest of the cast and crew, I couldn't help but notice that I was sadly laughing at myself...

Sure, I've never quite had the girl of my dreams make fun of my name of goddam "Ivan", but I've had my fair share of bullies in the past, giving me wedgies and having weird fetishes with my underpants all at the same time. I've had friends and family in the modern day who reveal secrets about me that obviously I've tried to relieve myself of through my webpages, but are secrets that still sting me to this day depending on who they're told to. I've had nasty embarrassing moments divulged to coworkers, as just the other week I was the bunt of all the jokes in my own little corner of the office. It's not so fun being me, of not just being a geek, but rather the fucking loser nerd that even the rest of the computer geeks in my school always used to pick on. I'm the bottom of the barrel when it comes to the echelon of losers, believe it or not. And McKay and Mrs. Miller wasn't just a great character piece for Rodney, but rather something rather personal for me as well. Go figure...

I dunno, but almost everything in this episode just seemed to click for everyone's most arrogant hero. He got some great screentime in with Carter, belittling her intelligence yet obviously showing great respect and comraderieship with her for the first time in the series. He got to experience both the joy and pain of goddam tofu chicken (not a favourite of mine) in the household of his sister, while forgetting to bring that ol' chocolate gift of his for the children yet again. He finally started to mend the relationship with Jeannie as the episode wore on, only to have his perfect duplicate of a double from an alternate universe appear and pretty much prove to him just how cruel of a brother he turned out to be, and how nice of a person he could've been if only different decisions had been made. Afterall, the Rodney's from both universes had both been named "Meredith", but only one grew distrusting enough of his family and friends to the point where he couldn't even stand the sight of the group whooping it up without him in the Atlantis cafeteria anymore...

The rest of the cast took a step back in McKay and Mrs. Miller to obviously the two stars starring in the title of the episode itself, but I was still impressed with what we got. Dr. Weir was still a fucking bitch who kept her eye on Jeannie from ever making on a move on her Teyla, but I guess she made probably the same decisions as I would've made in her shoes this episode. Teyla finally got the onus of the mockery passed onto her with the whole "cute Marine" shit at the end, which got me chuckling if only because we know the real truth about her and Dr. Weir. And Ronon seemed a bit off, as his little Coolio relationship with Rod from the alternate universe seemed so forced to the point where apparently, the guy from Sateda gets pussy whipped by any character sporting leather and a funky gel hair-do. Sure, it seemed a bit stale and low budget to always be seeing these characters sitting in the same spots in the cafeteria with their generic and forced laughs, but the meaning of the episode still managed to shine through...

McKay proved it in this episode that he really does trust Sheppard as a friend. Actually, both McKays proved it really, as I for one (or 'fore' one) was excited as hell to see the return of golf and the backswing in Stargate for the first time since Window of Opportunity. Poor Sheppard was first shot down by our McKay for being 'Kirk' (and yes, I saw that look in his eye too), then was reduced to pure embarrassment when apparently his alternate self did join the MENSA club and has goddam all nighters with the nerds. Hell, even as the loser that I am, I would probably beat him up for his goddam lunch money at that point. WTF?...

But besides all the great scenes that Rodney had with his sister? Absolutely the most fantastic and touching of them all was actually with Sheppard, simply when the man was spitting and shining and shoe polishing his iron golf clubs with a goddam toothbrush, in the midst of the glory of the Atlantian shoreline outside his window and the poster of Led Zeppelin in his room. Even if John didn't say much that scene, just seeing him be patient as hell as Rodney basically spoke to himself, really spoke volumes of the kind of trust that these two characters have for each other. He let Rodney discover the truth on his own, simply because Rodney wouldn't have accepted it from anyone else...

And it really was touching for Sheppard to actually show Jeannie at the end the message that Rodney had filmed for her two years back in Letters from Pegasus. It was little moments like Rodney's confession in season one that made that year into one of the best damn seasons of Stargate in either series' entire history. And the return of that speech here in this week's episode, really did help to make season three match the first stellar season of the interstellar show in every facet (or 'faucet') of a way...

Now of course, there were a few flaws with this episode that I didn't quite like. For instance, I didn't particularly mind that the writers lost their Deus Ex Machina of the ZPM in the end, but I would've preferred if it had gone down in a blaze of glory in a far more plot pivotal episode instead. Zelenka was great in his role as a scientist, noting that Rodney loves to "push the button", but he didn't do much else except seem impressed that Rodney's sister actually had manners. And where the fuck was Carson, who is supposed to be McKay's best friend on the base next to Sheppard? Even if we never did get a heart to heart talk between the both of them, it would've been nice for Beckett to at least have been introduced to Jeannie, considering the doc is a regular on the series, is he not?...

But I don't know, all things considered and all good things, I still ended up loving this episode perhaps far more than I should have, if only because I was able to connect to Rodney's thoughts and predicament in the solidary way that only I guess only goddam geeks can...

And yes, Mr. and Mrs. Will Smith was indeed (and sadly) a good movie. An action oriented Stargate Atlantis episode in turn (with the requisite lesbianism), would've also been great in any week...

But somehow, it's the quiet little thoughtful episodes like McKay and Mrs. Miller that I end up remembering with grace four years down the road. It's the episodes such as this week's, that really make me not just remember the characters and not just remember the plot, but remind me of just why I fell in love with the series in the goddam first place...

Because I dunno, sure I do love my action flicks along with that pathetic hook in my backswing, but really?...

I saw more than my fair share of movies when my friend came to visit the other week...

The thing is though, I was completely baffled by the fact that the amount of enjoyment that I got from each film was pretty much the opposite of what I originally imagined going into the theatre...

Talladega Nights looked great in the trailers, but just couldn't live up to the hype. Snakes on a Plane was great, but just could've been so much better if only I had seen it in a place packed with screaming fans at the motherfucking sight of motherfucking snakes on a motherfucking plane...

Oddly enough, there was one movie out of them all that was just so damn stupid and just so damn utterly predictable, that it actually turned out to be the damn most enjoyable of them all...

But truth be told, considering I was with my old high school friend at the time, I guess a bit of old skool, teen crap movie nostalgia (without being forced to endure that god-awful film, Old School) was just what the doctor ordered...

The film revolves around that goddam asshole from the Mac vs PC commercials, Justin Long, as his character of Bartleby Gaines doesn't make it into any of the colleges he applied to. He then goes off the deep end, buys out the lease on an old and abandoned mental institution, cleans it up in a hilariously brainless montage sequence, and somehow creates a university filled with the hottest damn chicks you can ever find on campus. What are the odds?...

I personally would've preferred a sequel to Galaxy Quest, but I guess I can accept this as well...

There were obviously other characters in the film besides him, but none of them really mattered. Hands (played by Columbus Short) looked to be a real playa in the film at first, only to be reduced to the role of the guy who gets wood in the end. Rory looked cute and adorable at times, but there's only so much you can take from the goddam Yale-wannabe turned New Age bitch, doing the goddam campus in-thing to do by going all zen and goddam Buddhist like my goddam obsession. Then there was this guy with ADD who conveniently finds his inner peace (and a cute girlfriend? WTF?), a reject rocker who somehow manages to entertain the crowd, and a whole host of other cliches that all predictably turn into one big happy ending...

Accepted is definitely one of those films where you know almost every single frickin' thing that will happen to the characters before the film even starts. But when it comes to that shit, the predictability of the teen comedy genre is definitely also one of those things that you just end up accepting in the end, as it's more about the experience of the journey getting you there than it is about the stuck-up details of the formula...

I think Justin Long said it best in that goddam Mac vs PC trial of his at the end, that you can get away with a hell of a lot of bullshit as long as you jazz it up with a bunch of clever punchlines. Pretty much everyone in the theatre would've rolled their eyes at the sight of the entire school behind him, all cheering Bartleby on when it came to his fucking college that just cheated twenty frickin' thousand bucks of tuition out of each of their pockets. Well, I would've rolled my eyeballs out of their sockets, if it wasn't for the fact that his speech actually was written and acted out really well...

Now, the students all experienced real learning at South Hampton Institute of Technology, right? But in the real world, will it actually help them get jobs? Who would trust this university on a resume? Aren't they just paying twenty frickin' thousand bucks a year just to get away from their parents and do whatever the fuck they want? Why the fuck can't they all just get into some shitty ass community college? WTF?...

Common sense would dictate that people don't like being cheated out of their goddam money, especially twenty fucking thousand dollars of it. But I guess common sense is SHIT, because of course, we still get the sappy ol' ending of everyone being happy at the end, with even Bartleby's parents cheering him on against The Man. And to be honest, even I was rooting the goddam Mac enthusiast on, if only because he really did seem to have a passion for all the bullshit he was spewing out of his mouth...

Seriously? Learning engineering principles from fucking building a skate board ramp? Do I learn electronic principles from just typing shit into my computer keyboard? Who writes this shit? WTF?...

But the guy's got balls. And he's got a hot bitch sucking them too. What's not to like?...

And as predictable of a film as Accepted was? There were just so many stupid ass laughs along the way, that how the fuck couldn't I find it to be my favourite damn comedy of the year to date?...

Poor Sherman Shrader. He was reduced to the poor fraternity cliche of sucking up big time just to get accepted by the guys wearing the blue blazers. I never suffered from that bullshit myself (considering I never tried to be popular in university), but you can't help but feel for the guy as he silently screamed his little girlish lungs out at never being able to fit in. Then again, you also can't help but laugh at the guy as he's dressing up as a sperm or demanding others to ask about his weiner. The stuff he was put through was just so heart-breakingly dumbass, that you almost do pull of a victory fist pump for the guy as he throws away his life to join the South Hampton Institute of Technology that he ironically created...

Monica was an air-head of a bitch, but hot damn was she a hot one. It's rare these days for the lead actress in a teen film to actually be more smokin' hot than any other bitch in the background, but Blake Lively pulled it off with style and I for one definitely approve. She was a complete, clueless dunce in never noticing the nice guy until he ironically made it rich by forming his own goddam university. It was cliche as hell that she would find college boring, and instead take up photography by fucking paying 20 grand to the guy she's sleeping with (what a whore). The complete 180 she pulled in personality after leaving the rich campus was almost ridiculously extreme. But still, did I mention she was hot? Hot damn, I think you need to know she was HAWT, and isn't all that matters?...

The funniest damn character in the film was definitely Glen. Seeing an ugly bastard like him be the cocktease of every whore's fantasy gives new hope to a loser like me, except for the fact that university has already come and gone for me without any bitch making me come. Still, who here didn't actually enjoy his transformation from gas station loser to the king bitch chef in the kitchen? From the moment he zapped himself insane in the chair (or lack thereof), he became the real star of the show. You know it's a party when you've got Glen wasted on a raft with three other girls. You know you wanna be Glen...

But the vast majority of the film belonged to Bartleby. And I don't know what it was with his performance or whatnot, but I don't think there was a single moment in the film where I didn't have a smile on my face thanks to this guy. Whether he was stealing a blazer jacket from a jock, having his room walls busted in by neighbors or wrestling with Sherman over insurance policies, Justin Long proved that he really does deserve a teen angst movie of his own. Sure, most of the film was just pure cheese, with him wooing Monica over with goddam hand-clapping lights and wet T-shirt parties (and hopefully wet panties as well, but that goes without saying...). But goddammit, the mood and atmosphere still just all worked somehow, as Accepted never took itself seriously, and Bartleby just enjoyed the fuck out of being the man on top...

Now, would I want to go to the South Hampton Institute of Technology, where you can pick your classes and do whatever the fuck you want to do?...

... considering I still would have went the boring route and picked goddam computer engineering as my goddam major...

But with characters like Uncle Ben's Rice there, telling it like it is with the working world being the shaft that fucks you up the ass? I probably did learn more just from watching the morons at South Hampton learn their own bullshit, than I ever actually absorbed from my own goddam university career...

I mean, I skipped four and a half fucking years of university, yet I sat through more lectures in Accepted than I ever did in school?...

Now, I don't understand why that bullshit school was allowed to continue, when basically it was a college where no formal education takes place and thus there was no real fucking need to actually pay Bartleby twenty fucking grand of money just to be there. I mean seriously, at the end, his parents were wishing him luck at learning during a semester at a school that he fucking created and runs? Unless they want him to become a conniving, conning businessman, what the fuck do they expect him to learn?...

But that's just the thing. Accepted is just so damn dumb and so damn ludicrous at times, that it actually became borderline genius...

Out of all movies I've seen this year, by far Accepted was the most enjoyable...

And since yes, I was a student of the stuck-up universe of rich man's universities and shit like that?...

Y2kk Update: - Stargate Atlantis: The Real World and Stargate Atlantis: Common Ground Reviews (Spoilers...) -

How the fuck could an episode this damn shitty ever be allowed to follow up on Stargate SG-1's 200th episode of all time? This episode may have had a few redeeming moments, but it was pretty much overall just as bad as the goddam reality show of the same goddam name...

Now, as the noname wannabe psychologist over here, I normally have a soft spot in my heart for Sci-Fi episodes such as this, where reality is called into question and the whole series is portrayed as a hallucination. I absolutely loved when it was done on Buffy the Vampire Slayer during Normal Again, and I certainly do respect what the writers did with all the episodes where Captain Sisko found himself in a mental institution outside of Deep Space 9...

It's just that, none of those episodes concentrated on goddam bloody hell Dr. Weir of all people...

Sure, we got the unbridled benefit of seeing her in pajamas and hospital clothing practically the whole way through, two of my own personal fetishes, thank you very much. But really, were we supposed to be impressed with Torri's acting chops or some shit like that? I suppose she did a decent job of seeming dazed and confused as hell when she first met Jack O'Neill in the asylum, but that's pretty much the only good thing I can say about her performance...

And why the fuck did the writers choose to waste a special guest appearance by Richard Dean Anderson? Instead of bringing him onboard in Uninvited or properly using his presence in SG-1's 200, the writers got him to play a complete boring and foobar version of himself in The Real World instead? Except for a few brief Jackism moments where he fantasized about being fantasized about, did the man even get any decent goddam lines? I know the actor was already on the Stargate set and all, but why bother reducing the greatest character that Stargate has ever known, to simply pretending to be the real O'Neill while conning Dr. Weir into some goddam waste of an old skool treaty negotiation?...

And it's not like any of the other characters on the Atlantis set really got anything to do. Dr. McKay had his brief moment to shine by stealing one from Dr. Beckett, and at least the Scottsman provided the best (and only) decent scene of the episode by blasting away at those little nanite buggers with EMP. But besides those rare glimpses of actual humour and levity in the episode, what the fuck was there to go by? Ronon was a statue on the backdrop of the wall, Sheppard was a complete moron by sacrificing himself just in the faint hope that Dr. Weir could actually hear him bitch, and Teyla of course was ghastly concerned over the welfare of the one and only bitch in the city that actually fucks her and promotes her on a nightly basis...

Nobody on the cast got a real chance to act. Instead, this was the Dr. Weir goddam reality show. And goddammit, did we ever learn that either the writers just plain suck at writing for her character? Or that Torri Higginson really was brought on much more for her bust than her brains...

How many bullshots did we get of her just running through overly bullish and bluish corridors, as if that was all supposed to be thrilling? We were forced to endure God knows how many worthless sessions of that psychologist guy putting his own Spin on the City of Atlantis, when we damn well knew that nothing we were seeing was real. At least in Buffy's Normal Again (and arguably in Deep Space 9 as well), we were left with questions about what really was real in the end, whether the series was not just entirely a figment in the character's minds but also in our own as well. But what threat was there to really give a shit about in The Real World, except for the fear that this was indeed the bullshit that the writers actually give a damn about?...

Did we even get to really learn anything about Weir, except that she has a busted watch and some worthless mother she abandoned long ago? Did we really get anything else out of both the actress and the character, other that they just mutually both suck each other's asses?...

While I wish I could give two thumbs up and two major general stars to any episode with Jack O'Neill in it, I just couldn't even give a shit about him phoning in yet another performance in yet another episode that really doesn't matter one damn bit in the grand scheme of things...

Because in the real world? In the real world, this episode would've never made it past the scripting stages...

... let alone be allowed to follow up on Stargate SG-1's 200th episode of all bloody hell time...

After the debacle that can only be known as The Real World, I was absolutely shocked and floored that I could ever find common ground with the Atlantis writers ever again...

And yet here we are, with not only a great Stargate Atlantis episode on our hands this week, but also one of the most morally satisfying stories that I think I've ever experienced in a Sci-Fi show since Star Trek last left the air...

If anything? Common Ground was more about the real world around us than almost any other Atlantis episode before it. There are just so many direct parallels to real world events, of terrorism and having to ally with former enemies, and of proving just once more that we never leave our men behind. Hell, if only it was Jack Bauer (aka God) kicking the ass of the Genii here in this episode, I would've sworn I was watching an hour of bloody hell 24...

Didn't it just seem all too familiar, watching cheap ass analog signals from a small faction of an alien nation, as some terrorist from their former government tortures one of our people until his demands are made? The thing is, the parallels to real life didn't feel forced or out of place or any of that bullshit, but rather actually fit in perfectly with what we know of the Genii and especially what we knew about the Wraith. It was great seeing Commander Kolya back, and he was truly a more ruthless enemy here than he ever was before. Sure, almost all of his lines to Dr. Weir were straight out of the Russian dummies guide to terrorism or some crap like that, but it was still amazing and perhaps even genuinely threatening to see him go through with the whole Wraith thing, sucking the life out of poor John Sheppard...

And I was honestly shocked that Dr. Weir didn't cave in to Kolya's demands. I may hate the Weir character for almost every single stupid ass decision she makes for the expedition team, but I can honestly say that I can't disagree with her decision here. Sure, she mentioned that the official policy of the United States is to never bow down to terrorist demands, but I never actually expected her out of all whiny bitches to actually adhere to such a policy. I really kinda expected her to fold in some way, perhaps try to pull out of her ass some sort of cheap lame ass delaying tactic using Ladon as bait. But instead, she did what any real natural born leader would do, and that's to do everything in her goddam power to get her man back without ever once getting down on her knees...

... which is normally what she does with every fucking man and woman on the base, but I digress...

And yes, I definitely think it shows that Dr. Weir is normally the fucking village bicycle around those parts, when Teyla's only real contribution to this episode was patting Weir on the back when it came to her decision of letting Ladon go. Then again, Teyla wasn't the only character who failed to have a fair chance to shine in Common Ground, as Dr. Beckett was merely there in the Puddle Jumper for the ride, and Ronon barely got to repay the favour to Sheppard for when he was captured by the Wraith in Sateda...

I always love Dr. McKay, and he really always brings the best of humour out of the series. I loved how he was complaining to Teyla that he was already running at his top speed during the teaser of the episode, and the Sheppardism speech he gave to the Marines was heart-warming and definitely reassuring, to say the least. I just wish that the writers would be a bit more consistent in his so-called heroism though, since it kind of stuck out like a soar thumb how he got freaked out by a bloody hell mouse here in Common Ground, even after all the times he's stared down the Wraith at the barrel of a gun. I probably did chuckle at that moment of Mice and McKay, but it just didn't seem like it fit in with his current character anymore, you know?...

I still remember how much I loved Rodney way back in the first season, when his love for the nuclear bomb and the Canadian Science Fair made Underground into one of the most well written episodes of the entire series at the time. The Genii started out as boring villains to me, but Kolya proved without a shadow of a doubt in The Eye that he was a ruthless son of a bitch, and Ladon in Coup D'Etat last year showed that the writers really do bring out the best in each other when writing for the conniving Genii group. The same goes for Common Ground here, as even though Ladon was mainly just a background prop? I was still fascinated by not just his honesty towards the Atlantis team about his betrayal of Kolya, but also how much loyalty he repaid Dr. Weir with by giving the coordinates to the planet that Sheppard was being held on...

Common Ground was all about loyalty, whether it was Ladon to his alliance or Dr. Weir to her principles. But absolutely what made this episode into the best standalone hour in either Stargate series this year so far, was the fact that not only did we get to learn the true nature of Colonel John Sheppard, but also that of the Wraith as well...

This was perhaps Joe Flannigan's best damn acting performance in the history of the show. This was his episode to shine, and did he ever prove without a shadow of a doubt that he is no longer in Jack O'Neill's shadow. He took it blow by blow from both Kolya and the Wraith, yet he never gave up hope or the drive to escape. He showed clear level-headedness, allying himself with his enemy, and even got to flip a Genii soldier flat on his back as a fucking old man. John Sheppard may be no Jack Bauer, but I'd be hard pressed to find a fucking 60 year old who could fucking take out an entire Genii battalion like he could...

Sheppard wasn't just a supreme badass in Common Ground, but rather his old charming self with a hell of a lot more common sense than if he were normal again. We may not have gotten any direct references to his time in Afghanistan, how he refused to leave anyone behind, but you could tell from just the way he presented himself in the entirety of this episode as to exactly what kind of real man he is. No matter how much pain he was in, no matter how old and frail his bones may have become, he still had the fire in him to basically spit in the face of the Wraith and dare him to "finish it". Even when faced with insurmountable odds, he still chose to crack jokes about Kolya liking him best, and was absolutely the man on the show yet again when it to came to comic relief in the most desperate of situations...

And as for the Wraith? For once, Sheppard didn't name a Wraith, simply because this one actually deserved his respect. The Wraith as a species of an enemy has always been sissy on the show in the past, seemingly going down from just a mere bullet grazing their skin or two, but what always bothered me the most about them was that their characters were so damn two dimensional. They hissed, they cried, and they fed, but that was about it. They were space vampires, plain and simple, but without any of the history or backstory that makes the vampire stories of this day and age into anything damn worth getting into...

Things completely changed with the noname Wraith though. He was willing to put aside his hunger, to bite his tongue from the sensation of burning within, to do what was needed to escape with Sheppard. Here we had a Wraith, that not only respected the Colonel as a "brother", but also was damn smart enough to somehow grasp the concepts of comic relief and levity. We had an actual three dimensional villain here, who not only was willing to risk his life just to see the stars as a free creature once again, but was even willing to give Sheppard the "Gift of Life" without ever truly believing that we humans would honour our side of the bargain. It almost reminded me all of a classic Star Trek sort of episode, in a Kirk and Gorn sort of romantic way...

So many times in the history of Stargate Atlantis the expedition crew has screwed over everyone around them, spinning shit around just in the hope that the goddam City of the Ancients would remain untouched. Hell, you don't even have to look any further than with Michael this year for an example, as Dr. Weir screwed him over not just once but fucking twice, even after he willingly gave himself over and betrayed his Queen. WTF?...

In Common Ground, the writers finally found some common ground with all of us viewers out there, who were screaming at our television sets for our protagonists to finally have some actual honesty, dignity and common bloody hell sense. And here in this episode, we finally saw our characters as the noble heroes that they should be, giving us an actual reason to like them for once. Dr. Weir refused to give Ladon over to Kolya against his will, Sheppard's team refused to give up any hope that they wouldn't find him, and who here would've actually thunk a year ago that John Sheppard and a Wraith being buddy-buddy would turn into one of the best damn standalone episodes of Atlantis of all time?...

In the real world, this would've been the proper episode to follow up the 200th episode of Stargate SG-1...

Because for a series where I've been a fucking loyal watcher for ten years in a row and counting?...

The only question is, will I still feel this way for the Atlantis episodes of rest of the season?...

Because starting the week after, the moment that the writers and I meet again?...

[c. visitors too bored to return...]
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