IvanF's Cut and Paste, No-Name Theatrical Review of
The 40-Year-Old Virgin 2005

- IvanFian written September 3rd, 2005 -

"Let the Sunshine.

Let the Sunshine.

Oh, Let the Sunshine in...

... because seriously?

The 40-Year-Old Virgin isn't just the best damn comedy of the year to date...

Hell, it ain't perhaps just the best damn overall movie of the year to date...

But it's actually one of those rare kinds of comedies, or romantic comedies if you will, that really strikes a cord in you, you know?...

... or at least... it definitely did for nerds like me...

I mean hell, it's like the writers behind Anchorman just woke up one morning, tired from all their late night tantric sex sessions with each other, and thought to themselves...

"Hmm... Let's make a movie about the mockery that is IvanF's life."

"Sounds like a good idea!"

... and sadly enough?...

... it really was a good idea...

...

I may not have been able to tolerate the scene-stealing, Steve Carell in Anchorman. But even I have to admit, he played the role of the creepy yet compassionate 40-year-old virgin to the fucking letter T...

He's the kind of guy, that would literally put his life on the line (or his chest hair, in this case) for just a few hard earned yucks from the crowd...

He's literally the kind of guy, who would fuck a horse, fuck a donkey, and fuck a goddam goat, all for the sake of the sound of the laugh...

And that kind of creepy, serial killer kind of comic commitment, was exactly what he brilliantly infused into his character of Andy in this movie...

I mean seriously, if I didn't know better, I would've sworn that Steve Carell was really a 40 year old virgin in this film...

Or at least, a goddam copy of me...

Right from the getgo, from the very Poker game where Andy lost his poker virgin face, Steve Carell reminded me way too much of own self for my own goddam close comfort...

Granted, I would've never been dumbass enough to talk about titties as bags of sand. Or even been smart enough to actually get a fucking full house in a fucking Poker game, mind you...

But seeing Andy berate himself, calling himself stupid over and over again, as he just rammed his head into the walls of his home out of sheer embarrassment and social frustration? After letting slip his little secret, I mean...

Fuck... yelling at myself the whole afternoon?...

... that's how I spent my whole fucking last weekend...

Definitely a good weekend, mind you...

... by my standards, at least...

... God, I need to get laid...

...

The thing that really makes The 40 Year Old Virgin into a true comedy classic, isn't just the fact that we as an audience end up caring for its characters... but that we can truly identify with each and every single one of them in the end as well...

Take the character of David, for example...

Paul Rudd was clueless.

But he also reminded me a bit too much of my own goddam self, when it comes to my own goddam obsessions at least...

Fucking bitches.

Because you see, the poor man is infatuated and in love...

... with an ugly bitch that I could care less about mind you. But still, the stalker in me just can't help but root for the guy...

He talks about love in exactly the same way that I've seen it for the past 10 goddam years... Love is all about losing weight, and gaining weight, and obsessing over lost loves... and stalking their new homes... and finding their new phone numbers, and new e-mail addresses or whatnot...

... or, ahem, online blog addresses, if you're into that sort of thing, I mean..

... fucking goddam whore...

But hey, that's love.

If she wants to be a cock-sucking bitch, who goes down on every single fucking motherfucker who has a huge cock and a candy store, then that's her journey... that's her business...

Fucking goddam slut...

... and, umm...

What were we talking about again?...

Oh right... the movie...

Shit... now I'm the one who finds himself fucking clueless...

... another fun weekend of mine, down the shitter...

...

Either way, one of the greatest things about The 40 Year Old Virgin, is that every single character got their due...

Paul Rudd's character of David was just perfect in playing the nice guy, who managed to calm Andy down from jumping off a balcony, simply by talking to him for more than thirty seconds at a time... And after seeing how low he could go (literally) when it came to the video camera down his pants? It was nice that he got to fuck the slut who couldn't even lift a cock-sucking iPod in the end...

... except I fucking hate fucking bitches with iPods...

Fucking goddam bitch...

... now... where were we again?...

The thing is, I even came to adore the characters of Jay and Cal the Cameraman in the end... as they reminded me way too much of the assholes in my own life, who tried to push me into actually getting some fucking pussy in my goddam high school years...

The two of them together brought up in the movie the one goddam argument that still haunts me to this day...

I mean, if you really like a woman, then the last thing you'd ever really want to do, is be a fucking virgin and fuck things up while fucking...

Because really... on your wedding night, would you really want to make things more awkward by being two virgins, who don't even know how your bits and pieces fit together?...

... not like she's a virgin anymore...

... times a fucking thousand...

... per year...

... fucking goddam bitch...

... but I digress...

Because it's moments like these, when Jay and Cal in the bar were talking about mediocrity in the sack, that really makes you sit back and realize...

Fuck... this movie really is insightful...

... in a real brass, abrasive, rude, Paul Rudd, and R-rated way, but still...

I've met far too many Jay's in my life. Playas who think they're hot stuff when it comes to the ladies, but always in the end admit that they're insecure and immature... They love to keep score of the bitches they've laid waste to. And that brought about literally the best damn Jay scene in the entire movie, as he forced and swindled Andy into taking the heat off him and his goddam phone book...

Cal was much smarter in the end than Jay, even noting that the movie, Liar Liar, had indeed a clever moral in the end (though that movie fucking sucked...)... His greatest moment was obviously conning Andy into talking up the psycho babe in the book store. As that was literally not only the funniest damn moment in the movie trailer, but one of the funniest damn scenes in the whole damn movie in the end...

... though I now fucking hate all girls who read novels, for a damn good reason, mind you...

... take a fucking guess...

But the strange thing was?... Hell, a lot of the guys in the theatre I was in at the time, even thought that Andy was being a smooth talker in that scene, while he was saying nothing but mindless questions to the fucking moronic babe... And really, is that honestly the kind of dating scene of a world that I want to get into? A world where you plant a dozen seeds, watch them sprout, and then fuck the plants that grow into bushes?...

... well... considering my current record of zero wins and ten thousand losses? I've been tempted so many fucking times in my life to just go for the fucking advice of people like Jay and Cal in my life...

... and even though I'm too fucking pussy, to ever go for that fucking pussy on a pedestal?...

... still, it's nice to watch a movie, where these kinds of assholes finally get what's coming to them...

... and I don't know... but I think it really says something about a movie, where not a single character and not a single scene, ended up boring in the end...

...

No matter how great Jay and David and Silent Bob over there turned out to be, the star of the show was none other than Steve Carell...

Because I'll admit it.

I'm a fucking 23-year old virgin.

I'm a fucking 23-year old, fucking dateless virgin...

... so even Andy was getting more action than me at my goddam age...

Like I said, every single fucking time I say something stupid ass in public, I end up berating and beating myself up with hockey sticks over what I fucking said. And then I lie fucking awake at night, hoping that nobody fucking noticed how dumbass I was the day before... only to listen to the fucking birds and bees in the morning, and end up telling myself, "fuck, this is going to be bad"...

... fuck... I don't know how to ride a bloody bicycle...

... though I am the fucking nerd who has huge ass collections at home...

Fuck. I'm the fucking Asian with a fucking basement full of video games... that this movie so promptly mocked in kind favour...

... and fuck... I found that line offensive...

For one thing, why the fuck were they using N64 controllers with Mortal Kombat Deception on the fucking Xbox?... that's just plain wrong...

And fuck... for another thing... Andy in that movie DID NOT have more motherfucking games than this Asian nerd over here has, thank you very much...

... but I digress...

Because there were just so many goddam amazing scenes in The 40 Year Old Virgin, that it's no wonder why I've procrastinated so long from even trying to list them all...

Andy's smooth talking with Beth in the book store was absolutely hilarious, as the bitch got all fucking worked up over a guy essentially playing the childish game of shadow...

The condom scene wasn't just fucking hilarious from the all the lame ass attempts to strap on a Magnum. But it was also a fucking eye-opener for me as well... I mean, how the fuck do you put on a condom? I honestly want to know... Seriously, I was all with the lame ass high school twit in the doorway, with his "teach me" comment. If only I was as fucking lucky as Steve Carell... sigh... if only...

The "date drunk" scene had pretty much the entire theatre rolling in laughter, as Andy was so fucking clueless to not even fucking try to take the wheel when the bitch just gulped down three or four shots in a row... I loved her comment, how the parked cars just "came out of nowhere", as sadly I've heard that phrase from fucking idiot drivers before... namely one fucking female driver, who shall remain anonymous...

... fucking goddam bitch...

The phone book scene, where Andy pretends to be a playa', calling women bitches and ho's in front of the fucking bitch herself, was just brilliant from the fucking backwardness and awkwardness of it all...

Now, for the most part, the speed dating scene was a riot. Sure, there was the sort of weird and kind of out of place moments, like Amy showing up out of nowhere... But c'mon already. Who really could watch that whole fucking nipple scene, and keep a fucking straight poker face through it all?...

But if any scene should nominate Steve Carell an Oscar? It's the fucking waxing scene... I mean, like I said before, this actor is dedicated more than any other actor I've ever seen before. He was offered the chance to fake the hair being ripped off his chest, and yet he refused, citing that it just wouldn't be as funny if it wasn't real...

I mean, wow... that's just gotta fucking hurt...

... and I don't think I've ever fucking laughed that hard...

... since the last fucking time my obsession turned me down, at least...

... fucking goddam bitch...

... fucking goddam nipple fuck...

... and fucking goddam Kelly Clarkson...

... but once again, I do digress...

...

If there is any reason why the 40 Year Old Virgin was knocked down a peg or two, it was definitely the fact that yes, it was a romantic comedy... and the romantic parts, while decent, just weren't nearly as entertaining as all the rest...

Honestly, how the hell can bringing the virgin daughter along to sex ed parties, be nearly as entertaining as the notion of your boss being a fucking fuck buddy?... or at least, that's the way that I saw things, at least...

Now, I've never been real keen on Catherine Keener (as if she hasn't heard that one before... ha ha, right?...)... and I do think she did a good job with what she was given to do. I mean, her mixed messages of both flirting and awkwardness as she was trying to justify giving her phone number away, was exactly the kind of thing I'd imagine would happen... if my fucking goddam obsession ever gave me her phone number, that is...

... fucking goddam... well, you know the drill...

... luckily... I have her number anyway...

... but, umm... nevermind...

The thing is, I did like a lot of the scenes between her and Andy. But it was really more from just the dramatic irony of Andy's virginity, than anything remotely relating to chemistry between the two of them... I did like their "20 dates" of no sex declaration, as I think the entire theatre laughed when Andy claimed the lack of physicality wouldn't hurt him nearly as much as Trish thought it would...

... but meh... most of the daughter scenes, and hell, even the token break-up scene, were more boring to watch than anything else...

There have only been a couple of romantic comedies in history, where I've actually enjoyed the chemistry between the couple... namely, You've Got Mail and The Wedding Singer... and perhaps When Harry Met Sally and 50 First Dates as well, to a lesser extent...

... but when Steve Carell rammed into Trish's car, and went soaring through an Eruption ad or whatever sort of truck?...

... I just couldn't seem to care...

... I wish I knew why...

... oh wait... I do...

... it's because I'm fucking bitter and fucking scarred from women for life...

... fucking goddam, motherfucking whore of a bitch...

... but hey, that's her journey...

... that's love...

... and where was I again?...

...

That's precisely why I loved The 40-Year-Old Virgin as much as I did in the end...

Because I mean, this isn't just the kind of movie... that represents the fucking asshole buddies in my life, through fucking Jay and Cal...

This isn't just the kind of movie... that represents my hopes and dreams, and nightmares as well... of...

"... making love..."

"... making love for two..."

"... making love for two minutes."

... a classic joke I heard... and also my greatest fear...

I mean, as a fucking dateless, 23-Year-Old Virgin?...

... I like to laugh at myself...

... I have a hell of a lot to laugh at myself for, afterall...

... and a hell of a lot to laugh at in this movie...

For the 40-Year-Old Virgin isn't just the best comedy of the year to date...

... it isn't just one of the best damn films I've seen all year...

... because it's just that, this movie?...

... it's me...

... this film?... it's me...

... it's mine...

... it's a fucking Age of Aquarius...

... it's a fucking, bloody revelation...

It's like the writers bloody wrote the film after finding this fucking website of mine and laughing about it later...

... and it all sounds like so much goddam fun, now doesn't it?...

... a hell of a lot of fun... as I still have 17 more fucking years of whining and writing and waiting, apparently...

... but at least finally, just finally?...

If Andy could get it going for two fucking hours in a row?...

... then maybe, just maybe, there's some fucking hope for me at the end of the rainbow...

... besides the motherfucking Coldplay rainbow, that is... so...

Let the Sunshine...

Let the Sunshine...

Oh, Let the Sunshine in...

... when I finally become a fucking 40-Year-Old Virgin...

... and still get sexed by this movie all over again..."

Film Design - 7.5
Enjoyment Factor - 8.5

Overall (not an average) - 8.0
(2.5 out of 4 stars)