IvanF's Cut and Paste, No-Name Theatrical Review of Constantine 2005...

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... if I told you whether Keanu says the "whoa" word or not, that'd constitute a huge spoiler, now wouldn't it?...

... because let's face it... Whenever we go into the theatres for a Keanu Reeves movie, none of us are ever expecting to be blown away by his Oscar calibre acting, now are we?... We go into the theatre, hoping to be blown away by nifty special effects, a cool ass plotline, and probably some of the best action sequences on the face of the planet... or so we all had hoped, from the Matrix movies at least...

... well, I can proudly and confidently say, that Constantine was at least better than the latter two Matrix movies... although that's not definitely saying much...

... God, those Matrix movies licked balls... and sucked like Pearl Harbor... but that's besides the point...

Constantine was an interesting movie, to say the least... Now, I don't know the first thing about the DC comic book that this movie was spawned from. Hell, I don't even remember the name of the comic book, let alone what it was all about... But after watching the movie, it almost feels like Constantine was brought to theatres, in the hope of riding on the wave of Catholic conspiracy theories set force by that goddam Da Vinci Code book... And you know what? Even if I hate Catholic conspiracy theories, Constantine wasn't half bad when it came to all its religious sort of stuff...

I'm a Roman Catholic, right. I may not practice the faith much, but I'm still a Cafeteria Catholic at heart... And from that vantage point of view, Constantine didn't really insult the religion nearly as much as I thought it would... Basically, there is a heaven and a hell, a devil and a God. God is good, while the devil is evil. And half breeds (angels and demons) walk the earth, in a game of chess so to speak. Pretty straight-forward, right?... The only place where it does seem to slap Catholicism in the face, is when Keanu claims that God made a wager for the souls of all mankind. Now, you wouldn't expect an all-good, omnipotent being to make a drunken bet on the eternal existence of all human souls, now would you?...

... it's also annoying, how Keanu was able to buy back his goddam salvation with one little sacrifice that he knew would work (although I guess the bible technically does allow for this... technicality...)...

But besides that, I gotta admit, the film was pretty faithful to the Church... surprisingly so...

Seeing old and busted cars in hell didn't really seem natural to me. And the demons looked like they were ripped right out of Doom 3... But hey, I just loved the wind effects of the bowels of hell. I loved the general atmosphere and feel that the movie gave when it came to smelling demonic sulphur. And really, for such a relatively low budget film, I was shocked at how well all the scenes were implemented in the movie... The demons turning out the lights on the deserted street was a very nice touch. The coolness factor of the Dragon Breath was definitely one of the pluses of the film. I liked the general eerieness of the Bowling Alley spinning up from the bowels of hell. And hell, was it me, or did Keanu actually pull off that smoking suit and gun routine pretty damn well this film?... goddam cats...

I can complain about the piss poor cloning of bullet-time effects in this movie, as the glass shattering in frozen time just didn't work for me... But hey, considering I didn't know what would happen at that point in time, I actually did enjoy the sight of the ever slowing, closing door when Keanu was having fun in hell. And even though I knew it was coming (to go to hell, you pretty much gotta die first), the bathroom scene with Rachel Weisz was done a hell of a lot better than I thought it would be... especially because yeah, she is still kinda hot... no matter what she does to her hair for the Oscars...

Plot-wise, Constantine actually surprised me as well... I mean, we have the basic settings of heaven and hell. We had Balthazar as the prime demon, and Gabriel as the prime angel... As soon as Gabriel started using swear words, I knew she (or "it", even though the actress used was far too obviously feminine) would end up turning evil or psychotic in the end. And she did, in a luny sort of way that kinda ruined the feel of the movie for me (why must Gabriel always turn evil anyhew? Must be a running joke in heaven or something)... We've all heard the speeches before, how angels are jealous of us humans for being able to feel, and always being able to receive forgiveness from the Lord. Hell, it was the entire basis of Dogma (that god-awful, bloody hell movie...)... They used it here again, and yes, I did roll my eyes at that... Still, the wing span on Gabriel was mighty impressive. And at least the banter between her and Keanu was some of the only decent dialogue in the film at all...

You had some decent fight scenes in the movie, as short as they were... The witch doctor scarred a little flesh. Balthazar got roasted on the cheek. And a really stupid looking bug demon (stolen right from Buffy...) got squashed like a... well... bug... And they were all decent enough fights. I've seen better on television, but the entire package of Constantine as a whole, was pretty damn solid action wise... The movie had a few spooky parts, with Golem trying to screech its way out of a mirror. And the movie had some eerie parts, with the aforementioned bowling alley scene... It definitely wasn't a horror movie though. Since when could anyone not laugh at Keanu Reeves trying to act serious?... And it definitely wasn't an action flick, as most of the fight against Balthazar, was just Keanu pulling out a bible and speaking in verse... But like I said, as a total package, I kinda enjoyed this film... if only because it actually poked fun at itself... and how it damn well poked fun, at how damn seriously North American society takes religious issues these days...

That was probably the greatest thing about Constantine - the fact that whenever you rolled your eyes at something, it would just giggle back at you and bitch slap you silly with something else... Here's a huge spoiler for you: Constantine and Angela never once kiss. There are two or three different sequences where their lips seem to meet. And of course, I rolled my eyes at all of them, like the gullible son of a bitch that I am... And then the movie would just laugh at my stupidity, and reveal that the lip movement was for something else. And it all actually made the movie a hell of a lot more fun, just to realize how it was taking movie cliches and turning the other cheek with them... It did that with religion too. Just as I was rolling my eyes at Keanu Reeves acting as a priest to a demon, he reveals that the sermon can't work without Balthazar asking for forgiveness. And then he literally blew the bastard back to hell... and it's the little moments like that you treasure...

Take the final scenes in the movie for example... After Keanu Reeves slit his wrists with a "whoah", a blood soaked man dressed in white descended from high above. And it was obvious from the camera work, that we were meant to think this was Jesus or someone. And like the gullible twit I am, I actually rolled my eyes again... But then we saw who the man in white really was: the Russian devil incarnate... and the scene that ensured, right from the faithful entrance of "Lue", was probably the best of the entire film... I mean, I dare you not to laugh at the finger flipping scene, that just turned out to be finger licking good. The sight of Keanu of all people, ascending into heaven, as the devil below just curses on and on, has just got to be the best damn middle finger flipping scene in the history of mankind...

Short story short, Constantine had absolutely the best ways of turning the cheesiness factor of religion, into something so freshly badass... that in all honesty, it really did surprise me...

I mean, now that we're back to the actors... you could say, that Keanu obviously wasn't brought in for his take on The Colour Purple...

Constantine is a morbid, monotonous movie the whole way through (actually, so was The Colour Purple... but I digress...). With quite a few boring parts, might I add... The thing is, this was all done on purpose, to set the general atmosphere of the film (which definitely worked as a whole). And to set this whole mono-feel of a mood, they brought in Keanu Reeves... who can't act worth a damn, but still somehow can just flick the devil off, and make everything feel alright...

This was his best movie since the first Matrix. That's obviously not saying much, especially considering how little emotion he put into his acting in this film... But thankfully for him, Constantine didn't need any emotion. All it needed was Keanu feeling all dark and moody and depressed, all because he was going to be sent back to hell thanks to smoking 30 cigarettes a day... All it needed was Keanu right back in the middle of bullet-time world, with him staring at a cat in the stupidest damn way, that no other actor but Keanu could've pulled it off without ruining his career... Keanu may be the farthest thing from a perfect actor, but he was definitely perfect for this movie...

And surprisingly, Rachel Weisz wasn't bad either... She did her part. Nothing fancy... She looked pretty at times. She got her tank top soaking wet, which is always good... She played the naive detective, who eventually admitted that she had a sixth sense... She was too stupid to get out of the water when the devil was coming at her with the spear. So good for her, I guess... She had the same kind of monotonous feel as Keanu did this film, which actually provided some decent chemistry between the two of them... And she seemed kinda hot when she was gagging on sulphur. Don't ask me how or why, but I just thought she was hot. And I guess the smoking, sizzling body coming out of the bath tub scene didn't hurt either...

Now, to be honest, Constantine wasn't a very good movie. The hell scenes were nice, but didn't really provide a real substitute for the lack of substantial action scenes this movie... The exocism moments were definitely eye grating at best (especially the sight of Golem trying to give birth to itself...). And the film definitely didn't have any real compelling characters... The bowling alley guy was only in a couple of scenes before his death, Keanu's sidekick had a completely meaningless end himself (although I hear something happened to him after the final credits... I didn't stay long enough to find out...), the Witch Doctor wasn't played by Samuel L. Jackson (dammit...), and Gabriel's insanity was just too cliche to even fanthom for fandom...

But hey, Rachel was hot... and this movie gave me the idealistic prospect of psychic, lesbian twins, so that's always good... And Keanu in his turbid, eternal, infernal stupidity, actually provided a hell of a lot of refreshing scenes. Who didn't cheer when he went all Blade 2 on the demons being soaked by holy water? Who didn't give him a high five when he was asking for a light from the devil incarnate himself?... Keanu was a clueless badass. And to be honest, I really got a kick out of it...

The thing is, the director of this film knew that for the North American audience, the Catholic basis of this movie would be eye-rolling fluff at best... The film realized this potential downfall, twisted it on its cheek, and used it brilliantly to its advantage in the end... Of course, the movie will never be considered a classic. But Constantine was definitely a popcorn finger flipping flick of a film that really delivered, as far as I'm concerned...

... hell, it was better than most of the goddam awful Oscar nominated films this weekend, at least...

... because like I said, it was better than I was anticipating... and it was at least way better than the two latter Matrix films were...

... and while we all know that ain't saying much, I guess Constantine still deserves...