IvanF's Cut and Paste, No-Name Theatrical Review of Elektra 2005...

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'When you're watching Elektra, and wishing you were seeing Halle Berry in Catwoman instead, then you know something is wrong...'

Absolutely the best part of a terrible movie released to public, is watching all the critics attempt to outdo each other in their witty, sniveling, conniving reviews of flat-out dead-panning... and Elektra was definitely no exception to the rule... and I couldn't help myself...

Sometimes, a guy just has an urge to see a horrible, horrible movie, to get the bad flick syndrome out of bloodstream... not to mention the fact that Jennifer Garner, the pretty red tease that she is, has still the best damn hottest hair in Hollywood today...

... now, Elektra wasn't nearly as bad of a film as all the critics claim it is...

... I mean, when you almost wish you were watching Daredevil instead? Then yeah, you definitely know something is wrong...

Elektra has possibly the worst script ever written to mankind, outside of the Python series at least. I mean, it was just flat out embarrassing for Jennifer Garner to try to spew out lines like "old man", and "you speak in Riddles", in absolutely the most "I'm only here for a paycheck" sort of feeling that I've ever heard before in my entire life... And oh dead God, it's not like any of her other co-stars had much better lines. Her sensei was absolutely the most horrid sounding master I have ever endured in my life, with his only decent moment being a game of pool... And the villains? WTF were up with the villains? Did they have any personality whatsoever, except to pose as red shirts for Elektra to kick ass and take names with?...

I admit that I don't know much about the Elektra mythos, but I do know a bit of the Hand (and it's relationship with the X-men through Psylocke in the comic books). They are the evil Japanese corporation straight out of post-WW2 Cold War fear. And at least in the comic book, their sheer numbers of kamikaze kind of ninja-style warriors, proved far more interesting than they are in the film... Because in Elektra? Let's see here... The council literally does nothing but sit around their table and kill themselves (or I assume, the disgruntled employee did so after learning of his failure). Meanwhile, the "freak" enemies of the week had absolutely no threatening personalities whatsoever... Tattoo was alright, considering the special effects for his tattoos come to life were decent. But his death scene was just pathetic, and I seriously doubt he even had a single line in the entire movie... That poison gal, whatever her name was, was the former "treasure" as far as we learned. But seriously, I couldn't take her seriously. Not when her only offensive move was literally going lesbian on Jennifer Garner (not that I wouldn't have done the same, mind you, but still...)... Stone was somehow crushed by a tree, against all odds... And the head Japanese guy, whatever his name was?... uggh... Does he not watch Austin Powers or something? He literally just stands there for seemingly hours as his enemy finally gathers the intelligence just to stab him when he's monologuing? Jeez, even the Blade series had better villains than this joke of a movie...

... I've honestly seen better Stargate SG-1 episodes than Elektra... which doesn't come as a surprise, considering how much the two have in common...

Is it me, or does every single island and Japanese village in Elektra look like it was filmed right out of British Columbia?... And oh, I see Colin Cunningham tried to engrave his name into the movie business. Poor Major Davis of SG-1 fame reduced himself to playing McCabe in this movie, and got his head (and screen time) chopped off for his well intentioned effort... Kirsten Prout (who played a little Jaffa Amazonian girl on SG-1 last season) was perhaps the only redeeming feature of this movie. She was cute to me a year ago, and she was pretty damn hot to me when I watched this movie, regardless of age... but I'll talk about her later...

Because Elektra was really meant to be all about Jennifer Garner... and it's just a complete shame, that it actually did turn out to be all about Jennifer Garner... I never thought she'd pull something off that's even worse than Alias. But I stand corrected... oh, do I ever stand corrected...

I'll give her one thing: she looks damn hot in her red Elektra get-up. But you can just fondle the advertisements for this film, rather than see the actual movie for that... The thing is, Elektra as a whole felt like it was made completely knowing that Jennifer Garner only had a weekend or something to film the damn thing. The movie was too damn short, and for whatever scenes she was in, she barely felt like a part of them... Most of the action sequences looked like a stunt double trying to fit into her clothes. And the rest of the scenes she was in? It was all Kill Bill-esque power walks, without the coolness factor of it all in the end... It was as if the director knew his film would only end up to be half an hour long worth of content, and decided to add in a ton of slo-mo, hoping the guys in the audience wouldn't notice that we were all watching stills of Jennifer Garner in action...

The script in this movie was just plain awful. Having to go through practically half an hour of the same damn flashback sequence, over and over and goddam over again, has just got to be the most gut-wrenching punishment a movie writer has ever inflicted on a very horny male audience... And watching Jennifer Garner go all maternal instinct like that? God, she couldn't even pull off the yoga scene right. She was supposed to look like she cared for the girl, and yet I was pulling my hair out, at just how damn forced every single smile and snicker Jennifer Garner tried to release, to seem happy... And oh dear God, don't even get me started on the so-called 'romance' the film. Let's put it this way - the writers expected two attractive people to suddenly get it on, with no backstory or real reason whatsoever... Mark Miller and Elektra absolutely had zero chemistry whatsoever. God, it was even worse than Pearl Harbor. And that's saying something... Their romance came literally out of nowhere, with the most cheesy "I'm sorry" crap sort of lines I've ever heard since... well, 13 Going on 30, actually...

The only true saving grace of Elektra, was the potential it showed for Kirsten Prout... Abby Miller wasn't exactly a great fighter. When she was battling all those snakes, her little whiplash thing certainly wasn't very effective. And it was certainly rushed and idiotic story writing, that made her leave the good guy base just to get her ass handed to her in the first place... And when she "changed her appearance"? Hmm, I never would've thought that just letting down your hair, and making yourself 10x more attractive and 10x more noticeable (to us guys, at least), helped to hide you from the Hand. I'll remember that, the next time I'm with a hot girl...

Because yes, Kirsten Prout (as young as she is) does look damn hot. And for an actress of her age, I thought she handled herself very well... She had a good fighting stance against those poor training bastards in white, who had their asses handed to them over and over again throughout the film. Abby also had a decent one-way rapport with Elektra at least - Garner just couldn't act, but Prout's 21st century teen talk during the Christmas dinner, provided probably the only decent dialogue the entire movie seemed to have... Now, sure I rolled my eyes at her "I'm just a kid" cliche line. But considering the actress herself can still be considered a kid? I kind of felt sorry for her then, that she was stuck in a movie of this 'caliber' in the first place... She has far more potential and passion than Elektra as a film or lesbian can ever provide. Because given her awful constraints and woefully written dialogue, I actually thought she looked more badass (and more real) than Elektra ever did, when she whipped out that cute little glowing chain of hers, and starting laying the smackdown on that noname member of the Hand in the woods... The actress really surprised me with how much she actually did fit in with the movie...

Yes, I liked the battle in the woods. And yes, I almost felt bad for poor Major Davis as he completely didn't put up a fight in his own home... Yes, the special effects were surprisingly good in this movie... Yes, Kirsten Prout does have the cutest damn pout in the world. And yes, Jennifer Garner did look smokin' hot in that red garment of hers... and oh, I loved the trailers to this film (they do seem to have more content than the finished product)... but still...

That doesn't change the fact that instead of action scenes, we got lameass power walking and girlie flashback scenes instead... It doesn't change the fact that for some damn reason, Jennifer Garner's Elektra has some weird obsession with both obsessive compulsive disorder, and blind men who completely can't act... That doesn't change the fact that the writers keep pairing the actress up, with actors who completely have no chemistry with her whatsoever...

... because you know something's definitely wrong, when you're actually hoping Ben Affleck shows up to save the movie...

Now, Elektra wasn't nearly as bad as all the reviewers seem to be claiming all over the world. But really, the only reason I sort of liked this first real film of 2005, was that it was so damn bad, that it actually made me laugh... and that's worth something at least...

When you're actually hoping Evanescence starts playing, as Elektra tries to "Bring Me Back to Life"?...

When the first movie you see in 2005, is already guaranteed to be one of the worst movies you'll see all year long?...

"Well, I just "Elektra" tonight at 10:25pm...and first of all I went to the theatre tonight planning on seeing the film at 9:25pm, however, either I wasn't clear enough or the ticket person was a dumbass because he gave me a ticket for 10:25...so...for a movie that I was not so thrilled about to begin with, it wasn't a great beginning...

...anyways...I must say...that this film is quite stale and borderline boring...I mean sure there are a few thrills, but there is nothing really new here...

In essence, this film is Jennifer Garner's character Elektra from "Daredevil" own film. And to be honest, Ms. Garner does the best she can with this wretched train wreck of a script. How the heck this script got greenlit and a pass as a workable film...I'll never know...I mean for Zak Penn to go from "X2" to this is quite embarassing. Avi Arid what have you done...but I digress...

Essentially, the plot, or lack thereof of this film follows Elektra as she is now a contract killer for hire. As the film begins, she does her thing but it seems that this latest job has been getting to her emotionally. She keeps reminiscing via flashback the tough words by her father learning how to swim, etc. As well, she wishes she knew her mother more and actually had a loving mother. So...as the film continues...where Elektra takes some time to do some "reflecting"...Elektra meets Abby, the daughter of Mark Miller (Goran Visnjic). It seems the Miller's are now in hiding (over Christmas of all things) because Mark's wife, Abby's mother has died. And it is revealed later, that Abby's mother died not because of Mark or as a hostage yada yada yada, but that "The Hand" wants Abby because she has a special fighting gift, where she is known as "The Treasure." Uh-huh...

Now, this group known as "The Hand" is essentially a mafia-esque group that are Chinese who essentially have gangs to control various things. Of what they actually control...got me... Apparently, "The Hand" is the historical evil that has been around since the dawn of time...uh-huh...

Now, I must say that the one shining moment in this wretched film is Terrence Stamp as Stick. Stamp plays Stick...the blind mentor who is the wise sage who teaches Elektra, and also brought her back to life after she died by Bullseye...I mean the scene, while cliche, in the pool hall where Stick outsmarts the lacky pool player and where Elektra first asks Stick for help to protect the Miller's was a decent scene.

Oh yes, Elektra wants to protect the Miller's because she see's something special in Abby...and actually wants her to have a life rather than the course she herself took...

But overall, this film was a wretched trainwreck. Garner did her best here...she looked beautiful and handled the stunts well...and Stamp was a welcome relief here...but these two couldn't save this film...I mean how the hell can animals come alive from a guy's tattoos...and to put on top the fact that the guy's name was "Tattoo"...oh dear god...

Therefore, I'll give this film a 1/4 stars and a 5/10."

Film Design - 5.0
Enjoyment Factor - 5.5
Overall (not an average) - 5.0
(1 out of 4 stars)
- Risen Phoenix -