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- NoName.Mycrowsoft.com - |
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IvanF's Mycrowsoft Noname Brand Website - |
IvanF's Cut and Paste, No-Name Theatrical
Review of
Fantastic Four 2005
- IvanFian written July 19th, 2005 -
"Fantastic Four has fundamentally altered my view of the entire movie industry...
... or did it?...
Now, while I can't quite say that the film put the "fun" in "fundamental"...
... I also can't say that it quite put "da-mental" in the word either...
And yeah, just to get them out of the way first, Fantastic Four definitely did feel the brunt of the power of the pun all over the place...
... ahem...
"It's a stretch of the imagination, to ever call this film fantastic..."
"4get about this movie. If I were one of the writers, I'd be feeling naked and wishing I were invisible right about now..."
"As far as the critics are concerned, it's clobbering time..."
... and everyone's personal favourite...
"Somebody please torch this movie..."
...
With that out of the way, let me state for the record, that Fantastic Four was definitely not nearly as bad as all the critics were making it out to be...
... if only because it starred Jessica Alba's sweet ass...
I mean, with her waist, how could it ever be a waste?... but I digress...
Because yes, compared to such classics as the X-men films, the Spiderman films, and especially Batman Begins, Fantastic Four should be ashamed to be shown in the same goddam theatres...
The script in Fantastic Four was awful, just awful... There were just so many lameass jokes made by Johnny Storm about The Thing, that I couldn't help but keep rolling my eyes at how goddam cliche they were all getting... The crushing of the Porsche 9/11 was a cool moment, simply because it was a Porsche. But the fire fight that occurred afterwards was just plain grating, as superheroes acting like children and having to be separated by hero made of rubber, just doesn't seem to work outside of the Pixar movies...
Reed Richards was played with about the same amount of conviction as the role of Lancelot was back in King Arthur. Meaning, none at all... The guy got some Reed Richards kind of techie crap to say from time to time. But most of his script was just plain crap, all joined together by bland montages of him working on some sort of contraption that not only can take away their powers, but apparently can bring them back as well... There are never any explanations behind the science in the movie. And there's never even a real explanation why the people in the city seem to love the Fantastic Four, instead of just freaking out from their powers once they busted up that bridge and all...
The Thing was used completely for comic relief in the film. And when a character like The Thing becomes a bigger joke than the CG version of The Hulk, then you know things don't bode well for the movie... The absolute worst part of the plotline of the story came from The Thing's lovelife. He gets dumped by his wife for turning hideous (as if the bald asshole wasn't ugly as fuck in the first place), a wife that he claimed to love with all his heart. And then he suddenly starts dating a blind chick he picks up in a bar a couple days later? WTF?...
Johnny Storm was decent as the Human Torch. But his sister was right - he was just a fad, and his antics went stone cold by the umpteenth time he tried to show off, as he just came off like some punk'd Ashton Kuchter wannabe in the end... The skiing scene was alright, if only because that girl he was with sure looked horny when he was on fire. And yeah, the nurse was a bit hot, although that scene went absolutely nowhere as well... But when it came to extreme biking or whatever? When it came to his awful naming of the Fantastic Four? The comedy always ended up falling flat, as even the car drag race scene (or lack thereof) didn't have the comedic punch to be anything but grating on the nerves...
Now, normally I'd complain like hell about Susan Storm. If she was played by any other actress than Jessica Alba, at least...
The actress wasn't convincing at all as a geneticist. Did she even have a single techie line whatsoever?... And she had absolutely no chemistry with Lancelot whatsoever. It made absolutely no sense in the first place, that the guy would ever ditch a girl that fucking hot... It also made no fucking sense, that a girl as fucking hot as Jessica Alba is, would be a geneticist without fifteen guys all over her at once... her brother included, of course...
But hey, it's Jessica Alba. How can I really complain?... Sure, she's an awful actress. But she looks damn hot with that blonde hair of hers. And absolutely damn fine with that ass as well... I have two weaknesses for women: glasses and hats. And she pulled them both off gloriously in the film, one scene after another, as she looked absolutely smoking to me with those spectacles in the lab...
What a spectacle... what a fucking fine sight...
... simply Nincredible...
... so who the fuck cares what her character was like?...
Now as for Cole?... or Dr. Von Doom, as I should probably call the Charmed reject...
I'm sorry, but he was just awful, plain and simple... What the hell was Dr. Doom's plan anyhew? To block traffic? Because that's really all he really did... He didn't seem to even care about Susan Storm after he started learning about his new powers. And Viktor didn't even seem to care about Reed Richards after a while as well, which completely contrasts against what the Dr. Doom character has always been about... What were his fucking motives? And why did he just sit around for 3/4 of the movie, doing absolutely nothing but plucking metal strands out of his hair?...
Now, I never cared about Dr. Doom's origins much, considering I never cared much for the FF comics. So yeah, so what if the movie absolutely destroyed one of the deepest characters in Marvel? Since a magical momma's-boy with a bunch of robotic clones, ain't exactly the best way to introduce a super villain in a two hour summer movie... and at least he helped produce a rather interesting space scene, although it made absolutely no sense whatsoever that he'd be up there in the station...
But besides the introduction, couldn't the writers at least have given us some decent action then? I mean, the final battle was all over way too quickly... One moment, the guy is freezing Mr. Fantastic with some fantastic freezing shit (bringing back lovely memories of Mr. Freeze from Batman and Robin, might I add...). The next, he's firing a heat seeking rocket to his own voice of "mwahaha"... and right after that? We get pretty much the most cringe worthy line in the entire fucking movie...
"Do you know what happens to metal when it's rapidly cooled?"...
... or how 'bout?...
"Do you know what happens to a toad when it's struck by lightning?"...
... sadly... I'd actually rather hear the latter... as Fantastic Four just had the absolute worst script, and the worst final battle sequence I've seen in a comic book movie in quite a long while...
But I mentioned the overall movie wasn't so bad, right? So what was actually good about it?...
Sure, the final battle sucked. The two hour movie had built all the way up to just a ten minute confrontation in the streets... of course I'd be disappointed in that...
But as an origins movie, Fantastic Four didn't do such a bad job with the discovery of all their individual powers...
Mr. Fantastic stretching out to save the firefighters was a nice tribute to the campiness of the comic books. And The Thing causing all that destruction, all because he tried to save a guy from committing suicide, was one of the more subtle comedy bits that actually weren't so bad in the end... It made no sense that huge explosions would happen on the bridge and all, but at least it showed off a cool ass CG sequence with the Human Torch... And honestly, who here at least didn't get on the edge of their seat (men and women alike, I hope...) at the tease of Jessica Alba getting nude to get invisibly, incredibly naked?...
That whole scene was alright. And hell, even the montage moments of Jessica Alba, expressing her babyface angst towards stupid Lancelot with her force field projections, made for a decent enough first forty minutes of the movie at least...
Because contrary to popular critical belief, Fantastic Four was not a complete, shit-asstastic disaster in its own right...
... then again, it wasn't nearly anything close to a fantastic film either...
In the end, it simply was what it was...
... a summer blockbuster film...
... and a fundamentally sound popcorn flick...
... with a fucking cameo, from Ben fucking Mulroney... uggh...
Sure, Fantastic Four may not have quite put the "fun" in fundamental like I had hoped it would...
... and it can't even begin to compare to the AAA comic book movies of the past few years, but?...
... meh, at least it was still better than Elektra...
...
... or was it?..."
Film Design - 6.0
Enjoyment Factor - 6.5
Overall (not an average)
- 6.0
(0.5 out of 4 stars)
___________________________________
- Commentary from a friend -
"Well, I apologize to all you "loyal" readers out there…but I did see "Fantastic Four" back on July 13, 2005 at 9:25pm. And the verdict, I must say that as a popcorn summer flick that this film was decent. However, that is about as far as this film deserves in terms of high quality filmmaking. This is because the development of the film (most likely due to the horrid script) is just appalling and non-nincredible compared to recent hits "Batman Begins", "Spider-Man 2", or "X-Men 1 or 2".
Now, this film is essentially the story of four scientists and their wealthy benefactor who get trapped on a space station by an unprepared electrical storm. The results of such a storm leave are soon to be heroes & villain with their genetics altered. Initially, the space station mission was to be used to connect the space electrical storm with a device to help humanity for the greater good. Our four team leaders on the mission were Reed Richards, Susan Storm, Ben Grimm, and Johnny Storm. As well, their benefactor that accompanied on the mission (since it was his space station) was Victor Von Doom.
As a result of the space storm, the fellow men and woman have to deal with their new genetic makeup. The result of which first leads each of them to basically question their place among society, being that they are now different and could be considered mutants. The most changed person is Ben Grimm who has become The Thing. The scene involving the firetruck on the bridge was decent, if only it showed that these people were still human with just a more visible fallacy. Afterall, every human has their fallacy because no one person is perfect. But, enough of my philosophical diatribe on human nature. The firetruck scene was decent if only because of the decent (but not great) comic relief by The Thing trying to save the guy from jumping.
First of all, we have Dr. Reed Richards as played by Ioan Gruffudd from "King Arthur", in which he played Lancelot. Richards becomes Mr. Fantastic who has the new ability to stretch in all kinds of positions. It is neat to see him discover this ability as he does, but the novelty wears thin as it does on all the characters. Richards also has a thing for Susan Storm (Alba), who can now become invisible. Before the present, it seemed Richards & Storm were a couple and then split up when Storm went to work along with her brother Johnny for Dr. Doom. The way that Richards is portrayed is completely two-dimensional and there is no room (as per the sucky script) for understanding his motives. I mean even Richards plan on trying to reverse their genetic make-up is quite lame and never really fleshed out as well as it could have been.
Second, we have Susan Storm as played Jennifer Alba. Storm has now become the Invisible Woman. However, it seems that she can only become invisible with no clothes on. Now, because she is a whiny bitch…the scene just doesn’t work…because the audience would prefer to bask at the beauty that is known as Alba. Give me Alba in "Sin City" anyday, or "Into the Blue" for that matter. I guess Alba does hold her own in the beginning of the brief final confrontation with Dr. Doom, as she really tries to hold her own…but in the end the scene/confrontation is just juvenile and a lame excuse to execute special effects.
Third, we have Ben Grimm/The Thing as played by Michael Chiklis. Now, Chiklis as The Thing was decent in the early going. However, near the end as he became normal again, and then switched back, his character was just to over-the-top cliché for his own good. The most inane part of his character was his unpredictable "new" relationship with a blind woman (Kerry Washington) that he met in a bar. A relationship so soon after his wife left him for who he/Ben has become. I must say though that the rough demeanor that The Thing holds while Johnny Storm is tormenting him with the shaving cream and all does provide some comic relief…even if it isn’t anything of greatness by any means.
Fourth, there is Johnny Storm/The Torch as played by Chris Evans. Evans does provide the right amount of cocky, young adult immaturity…but perhaps he does lay it on a bit thick. I mean to be such a gung-ho extreme sports fanatic just grated on the nerves by movies end…even if his flying by full flame-on was decent enough to see on the big screen. However, I must give credit to the script for the inventive use of Johnny’s discovery of his powers. I mean after his extreme skiing on the mountain with the nurse, and he flames his way into the snow which becomes something of a spa was entertaining enough. I give my thumbs up to that, indeed.
Fifth, well, here we have Julian McMahon’s Victor Von Doom. Now, while he was discovering his metallic body it was quite interesting. However, when Doom puts on that mask and decides to put his finishing touches on the Fantastic Four, his character is such a pitiful villain it’s not even funny. I mean, as my friend already pointed out in his own review, Doom really didn’t have a point to conquer or take over anything. I mean at least Mr. Osbourne/Green Goblin had good reason and motive to kill his former colleagues. Dr. Doom was just an ego maniac who couldn’t stand Alba/Storm falling in love with Mr. Fantastic.
Yeah, well…this film was quite a long distance from being "fantastic." However, it was entertaining enough as a summer popcorn flick. Therefore, I shall give this film a 7/10 and a 2/4 stars."
Film Design - 7.0
Enjoyment Factor - 7.0
Overall (not an average) - 7.0
(2 out of 4 stars)
- Risen Phoenix -