IvanF's Cut and Paste, No-Name Theatrical Review of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire 2005...

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IvanF's Cut and Paste, No-Name Theatrical Review of
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire 2005

... obviously, from my first line alone, you know that my review is going to be fair, unbiased, and goddam impartial as hell...

The thing is, has there ever been a Harry Potter film that I liked? The first one was slow and boring as hell, the second one was bland from all the monotonous darkness, and the third one felt like a cheap rip-off of a Star Trek: The Next Generation film... and Lord knows that I'll never ever goddam read the actual goddam source novels in my entire life...

... which brings me to Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, which started out with the usual British fanfare of a fucking World Cup filled with English soccer fanatics, as I wasn't sick enough of watching this embarrassing shit already on the goddam news...

Mercifully, the events are interrupted by the marching band of the Death Eaters, bad rip-offs of the Ku Klux Clan who apparently just love to make their presence known in stadiums and arenas with absolutely no goddam security whatsoever... We then see a mysterious figure, as if it was ever in doubt even ten minutes later in the film who the fucking mystery conjurer was. And from that point on? We had ourselves a movie...

Because you know what? There were really only two reasons why I even went to see this film in the goddam first place...

And second? Well, I was hoping that Emma Watson (who plays Hermione) would fucking look hot in her dress... Fuck you, Hermione (once you become of age...). Fuck you...

Problem was, the trailer for the film was just so much better than the film itself. When you only see the Harry Potter cast in snippets, everything seems better... But after the full three damn hours of listening to Ron whine, or Hermione bitch... or Professor Snape, umm, snape... or Harry fucking Potter soak it up in a fucking bubble bath, I was ready to fucking join the Death Eaters and fucking put the goddam world out of its misery...

Basically, the entire plot of the film is centered around a big ass contest, in which Potter wasn't actually allowed to join. The Goblet of Fire manages to spew his name out somehow, and of course despite the actual rules on paper for the goddam contest requirements, he gets entered into a variety of shitty asstastic events...

To be honest? I don't even get what was so hard about these tasks. The mermaid one was lame as hell, considering nothing was really at stake there (hell, the girl who quit still was allowed to get into the finals somehow)... And WTF was with the maze? So what if the branches and the hedges eat you alive? Everyone was still just fine and dandy at the end, except the guys who actually survived the damn thing...

It turned out at the very end, that the whole contest was just one huge ass ruse to get Harry Potter alone and isolated. And in an extremely gruesome scene that I'm sure would've given me fucking nightmares if I were still a kid, Peter Pettigrew actually chops his own hand off and adds Potter's blood to the mix, to bring fucking Voldemort back to life... Honestly though, that was the whole fucking plan? Seriously, why the hell couldn't they have just done this like four years ago, snatching up fucking Potter in his dorm bed before he learned any real magic spells? Why now, and why hide it with the whole goddam contest thing? WTF?...

Not only that, but Voldemort was a pure pussy. Not only did he do the purely James Bond villain thing, letting Potter get back on his feet instead of just blowing his brains out when he had the chance... But was it just me, or did Ralph Fiennes look like a fucking bad Star Wars alien character in the goddam film? Hell, if I didn't know better, I would be asking where his goddam light-sabre was... And as for what he did have, his wand I mean? Sure, Voldemort may be immortal or some shit like that, but God did he ever suck in battle. His blasts reminded me of Cyclops from the goddam X-men movies or some crap like that... and we all know how much Cyclops damn sucks, now don't we?...

The thing is, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire just had so many damn scenes that I was bored out of my mind through. The ballroom dance dinner for instance may have been a decent, if only a) the Indian girls were actually hot, and b) if I hadn't seen the same damn thing in God knows how many teen angst films already... (by the way, speaking as a Chinese Canadian over here, Cho-Ann or whatever her name may be was ugly as fuck...)...

I hated almost every character in the Goblet of Fire, which is something I couldn't even say about any of the previous films... I mean seriously, did Ron even have a purpose in this film? The first act, all he did was sulk it up about Potter getting his name in the Goblet somehow. And in the second act, what did he do exactly?... The poor guy was shunned with the time travel shit in the third film, and now had absolutely nothing to do again here? WTF?...

I paid good money to see Hermione look hot, and I was damn well disappointed (of course, hopefully I won't be in a couple year's time...). And besides her dress scene, was there anything that we were supposed to care about?... Unlike the first three films, she was virtually invisible with the magic (while not being actually invisible, with the cloak thing I mean). She was clueless about the port key boot, she never once used powerful magic of her own, and probably her only memorable moment was when she was too damn pussy as hell to mention what the third unforgivable curse was in class... Sure, there was that goddam tease of a hug she gave Harry Potter, as if that was somehow supposed to sway all the Ron/Hermione 'shippers across the net. And besides all that, what was she? Just a fucking generic cheerleader in the background of the goddam tournament? The damsel in distress for the knights in shining armour? WTF?...

... uggh, even the side characters were utterly disgraceful compared to their former selves... I mean, yes know it was meant to be disgusting, but did we really have to see Hagrid make out with the 10-foot tall French bitch all movie long?... And was there any purpose to any of the professors at all in the movie? At least in the third film, Snape got to look like a dumbass when it came to the Sirius Black situation. But here, besides look ever evil and generically conspicuous as always, did he even have a single decent moment to himself?...

Now, I know my friend was somehow in the begotten mood to enjoy the likes of "Mad-Eye" Moody. But really, from the way the character acted all movie long, was there really any doubt that he would turn out to be the fucking villain of the story?... Did I guess that he was a shapeshifter? No. And quite honestly, I actually didn't believe that he would turn out to be the supreme evil, considering the "evil" characters in past movies (Snape, the Elf thingy, and Sirius Black for example) all turned out to be decoys instead... But nope, not so here. What you see is what you get, besides the whole damn shapeshifting thing I mean. And I definitely did groan at the whole damn MWAHAHA explanation that fucking Moody bored me to tears with by the bard tale's end...

And while I hate to say this (well actually, I don't...), Dumbledore was just plain dumb as a door-nob fuck in this film. Where was the fucking presence you'd expect from a magical man of his stature? Where's the fucking Force lightning, or even the goddam Yoda Kung-Fu shit stance?... Instead, all we got instead was an old man who looked lost half the time, not knowing what the fuck was happening with the Goblet of Fire. I mean seriously, where was the omnipotent sort of father-figure that we saw snicker at the Phoenix burning itself to shreds, or the aging old motherfucker who somehow knew all about Hermione turning back the clock?...

... or at least, kill off the goddam character... put him out of his goddam misery already... God, he's useless...

But yeah, I guess it is kind of pointless to nitpick a Harry Potter film about the actual plot itself, considering any real divergences from the novels would've had about ten thousand petitions on the internet, all ready to burn the film like a fucking KKK enema of an effigy... Sure, I may hate the storyline of the Potter novels, but besides all that? Even I have to admit that Goblet of Fire was a reasonably well done film...

The Philosopher's Stone was an introduction to the Potter world, and therefore was far too slow in pacing. The second film tried to be dark, but ended up just being monotonous in the way it attempted to follow the boredom of the novel, scene by scene... The third film, like I said earlier, didn't even feel like a Harry Potter movie in the end. It was far too rushed, far too fast-paced, and had a third act with an atmosphere that completely didn't suit or match the first two and half movies of the series...

So when I say that Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire is the best movie in the series to date? Then yeah, it obviously ain't saying much... But what's true is true. And I must admit, that the darkness in Goblet definitely attracted me more than most films about magic in the past half decade or so...

It was actually nice actually, how we got to forget about Voldemort and that shitty ass running plotline of his for the first two acts of the movie at least... And some of the minor characters were decently enjoyable. Cedric wasn't such a bad guy afterall, and those French women were pretty damn decently hot (when they weren't speaking with their god-awful accents, at least)... More importantly, the pacing of the film felt pretty much just right. Sure, I hated all the teen angst shit that had slotted and slutted its way in there, but at least all three acts of the movie felt uniform in mood and Moody atmosphere for once...

And oh yes, of course... the wild-card, pulled straight from the burning fires of the Goblet of the noname reviewer...

... as there is always one damn thing that can redeem any damn movie in my goddam eyes...

... and that alone puts Goblet of Fire above the three other shitty ass films that unfortunately bare the same name...

But even so, rest assured that nothing ever changes the goddam fact that, first and foremost?...

Because no matter how many dragons there may be? I can and will not ever forget...

Seriously, with this series? You either walk both into and out of the theatre loving it, or you don't...