IvanF's Cut and Paste, No-Name Theatrical Review of Just Like Heaven 2005...

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And before I got into the theatre? I was dreading spending the next ninety-five damn minutes of my life in there...

Afterall, I was goddam exhausted... with a goddam feeling of out of body floating, and being out of my own goddam frame of mind, from all the goddam work I've done this past week...

Just Like Heaven, really did look like it'd be just like hell to fucking sit through...

It's just that... Just Like Heaven follows the same kind of romantic concept that a fucking pseudo-paranormal geek like me dreams of almost every single freakin' night...

I seriously wish, and have wished for God knows how many years, for the spirit of my soul mate to fucking just pop up in my room or some shit like that. And that I'd be the only one who can fucking talk, touch, see, or even hear her...

Not only would that fucking narrow down the whole supposed Star-Search, soulmate searching thing in life for me (if such a thing does exist). But also because, seriously?...

... it'd be the only goddam way a fucking girl would ever fucking fall in love with a nerd like me...

... and I'm sure I'm not the only one who's had this kind of fantasy made in heaven...

The thing is, Hollywood romantic comedies really have a fucked up way, of fucking up our goddam hopes and dreams...

Why the fuck do they keep stuffing this asswipe into romantic comedy films? Didn't anybody behind the desk learn from fucking 13 Going on 30?... He even sucks as an actor in any genre. Didn't anyone else watch Collateral, where Mark fucking Ruffalo provided absolutely the most dreadful scenes in that entire fucking movie?...

I have no fucking idea why they casted him here, because the actor had absolutely no fucking chemistry with Reese Witherspoon whatsoever...

Did he provide any decent scenes? I suppose perhaps a couple... His nervousness while saving the man's life in the diner wasn't bad. And I snickered when he was taken down by hospital security guards near the end, although Donal Logue as his best friend Jack sort of stole the scenes there first...

But really, I just can't understand for the fucking life of me, why Mark Ruffalo always acts so fucking dry in every movie we find him in. As if he's high on bad beer rather than fucking life, or some shit like that... Whether he was dealing with exorcisms, or landscaping, or even fucking coffee mug coasters here, he fucking spoke like he was fucking monotonous or brain dead throughout the thick and thin of the film...

Sure, his character of David was meant to still be all depressed from his goddam wife just dying over a broken shoe or a broken wing or some shit like that. But even when David was "happy" near the end of the film, he still looked like he was fucking sleep-walking his way through the role, as if he was in some sort of fucking coma or some shit like that...

I already mentioned Donal Logue, who played Jack in the film. He provided probably the only real comic relief of this so-called "romantic comedy", as I did crack up when he told David that he's gonna owe him, the day whenever he has to move a body as well... I didn't mind the whole "JJ" bit as well, even though it was obvious who the "blind date" at the start of the movie was meant to be. As Jack (and Abby, to some extent) provided the missing links to the fucking supposed soulmates of the goddam movie... It's just sad that Jack was barely used in the film, considering he was the only funny character, that's all...

Instead, we got way too much of Abby. And except for maybe batting back SpongeBob with a fucking flapjack at the start of the film, did she really contribute anything at all?... I admit that one of the best scenes in the film came from Abby's little daughter putting a cookie on Elizabeth's plate, as the little four year old girl apparently can see more than just imaginary friends. But it's also kind of sad, that a four year old actress or whatever, who barely had a single line in the movie whatsoever, could fucking steal the scene from Abby's actress with a fucking knife to the back...

Jon Heder was supposedly the true headline for the film, at least according to all the fucking trailers. But if anything, this character was anything but "righteous" in the movie's grand scheme of things. He simply stole too many scenes himself, and not in a good way...

He was okay whenever he was doing his ghostbusters thing, especially when he went all mello-beserk from David bringing Elizabeth's spirit into the store... But every single comic moment that Jon Heder had, just fell on goddam deaf ears... I mean, why was he even in this film? Shouldn't he have picked one with an actually decent script?...

... yeah, well... I've always had a soft spot for romantic comedies in my heart...

... as embarrassing as that is, considering I was the only guy in the entire goddam theatre, who came to this fucking romantic film not just of his own free accord... but also fucking alone as well...

And while Just Like Heaven, wasn't quite just like a taste of Philadelphia Cream Cheese in the end?...

... it still definitely had its moments... all thanks to Reese Witherspoon, I mean...

I mean really, is there any film out there that she cannot save with her smile?...

Sure, Sweet Home Alabama was a horrible, atrocious romantic comedy. But even so, Reese Witherspoon was absolutely adorable in it... Legally Blonde (the first one, at least) was simply amazing for its time because of the actress. And Election's only decent character came from Witherspoon as well...

... and as for Cruel Intentions? Sure, I didn't know it was her as the blonde virgin at the time...

... but God, I still get ice cream chills everytime I think of that scene near the end... as I just can't help dreaming, that a girl like her would be my own fucking cherry float on top someday...

Pretty much every single scene she was in kept me entertained. Hell, even her horrible rendition of "Tomorrow", or whatever sort of crap, made me forget about how goddam comatose Mark Ruffalo was being in the background... if only for a moment, at least...

The actress just has a certain way with every single line of script she has, no matter how bad the writing may be. She just has that certain knack for saying things, that fills the room and fills the audience with adorable charm, elation and glee... Whether she's ordering coffee from a coffee machine, arguing over coffee mug coasters, or especially sticking her head through doors at naked horny chicks, Reese Witherspoon just has that irresistible it factor, that somehow makes us listen... and gets us men and women alike, coming hard through those goddam theatre doors...

She may have had no chemistry with Mark Ruffalo whatsoever, but I still found every single one of her "ghost" scenes to be wonderfully endearing in the end... I mean, even for a scene as simple as forgetting her own name, you just felt bad for Elizabeth, as Reese Witherspoon really sold the story of being a lost soul...

When the poor gal was learning just dull and monotonous her life had been all these years? I just completely blurred out Mark fucking Ruffalo in the background, and watched her float all the way to her body, as if I was floating myself in a dream... And you just felt bad for Elizabeth when she saw her body just lying there, comatose on the bed. You don't know how or why you exactly feel bad for a fictional character. But Reese Witherspoon just somehow makes it happen...

And even in the romantic aspect of things? She still did her best, and still managed to get the movie to pull through, despite all the other actors fucking things up... I mean hell, as much as I loved 40 Year Old Virgin? There was just no romantic scene in that film, that made me feel as warm and compassionate for the characters, as I did when I just saw Reese Witherspoon so nervous there, lying next in the apartment bed to whats-his-name...

I mean, she really did seem like a fucking fragile, floating cherry on top again...and man, did it feel good...

When David touched her body's hand, and she felt it? The vulnerability in the actress just sold the moment so damn well, that I actually suspended my belief, and eerily for a moment even believed that these two could actually be soulmates. Though I'd like to touch more than just her soul, indeed...

When her face just lit up from seeing the garden of her dreams in real existence? That was exactly the kind of beautiful moment, that will keep me watching this romantic comedy for perhaps years and years, no matter how goddam horrible the script may technically be...

... and even if the ending was rushed? When all the memories started flooding back to Elizabeth's mind, the expressions of passion and vulnerability on her face were simply goddam priceless, and worth a fucking million script lines alone...

Her demeanor just so suddenly shifted from pure confusion to soft longing love, in a way that I personally can't help but keep dreaming, that I can sweep a girl off her feet just like that as well...

I mean, seriously... Reese Witherspoon just has a fucking way, of making me wish that I was in the fucking place of Mark fucking Ruffalo...

... and back in the hospital? If that fucking awful kiss on the lips that David gave to her, wouldn't have woken her up?...

And yes, Mark fucking Ruffalo?... was just like goddam fucking Ben fucking Affleck in the end...

But as long as Reese Witherspoon was on the screen, with her trademark flash and smile and sassy style?...

... then even though I've been so fucking exhausted from school and work all week long?...

... even though I've fucking felt so damn depleted for the past three months, that I've fucking felt completely goddam dead inside?...

... and even though throughout the whole of this day, I've been so goddam tired in my wake, that I still feel like I'm in some sixth fucking sense of a coma?...

If anyone could wake me from this dream? If anyone could make me feel alive again?...