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IvanF's Cut and Paste, No-Name Theatrical
Review of
Mr. and Mrs. Smith 2005
- IvanFian written June 24th, 2005 -
"Well, here's a no-brainer of a movie if I ever saw one...
Though Mr. and Mrs. Smith was a decently fun movie to watch. I'll give it that...
The whole prospect of having your suburban life turned upside down, by having much more in common with your spouse than you think, is always quite the dream that I tend to have...
... though I suppose getting a spouse or a girl would have to come first for that...
Either way, I can't say I was really disappointed in this movie. I mean, what was there really to be disappointed with?
I got a bunch of decent action sequences. With Angelina Jolie sporting a shotgun in the house, and Brad Pitt playing Poker to prove he played the game before it became "cool" on TV (sad thing is... somebody bragged about that to me the other day... wanker...)...
If there is any single fight scene that truly satisfied in Mr. and Mrs. Smith? It was definitely the minivan chase...
Yes, you heard me right. There was a bloody hell minivan chase, and it was fun... Sure, it mainly consisted of just generic Mercedes Benz's coming up the rear. And yes, it was just a bunch of mindless explosions and Bad Boys II-like shooting, not that I didn't mind that movie, mind you... But damn, who didn't get a chuckle from Brad Pitt, realizing how those sliding doors came in handy? Who doesn't get a kick from popping open the back door of the van, to pop a cap in somebody's ass on the freeway?...
And yes, for a brainless summer blockbuster flick, I didn't mind the script as well. It was kind of witty, actually... I can't say I laughed at any jokes. But I was never really dulled or bored along the way... I mean, take the minivan chase for example. While shit was blowing up all around them, Angelina Jolie was being just a common housewife bitch, complaining about how Brad Pitt was too lazy to ever impress the in-laws. Of course, it didn't matter to her that her parents were really actors that her company had bought off some stage, but hey... still, the banter between the suburbia couple was rather clever and amusing, for the second half of the film at least...
The first half of the film was just dreadfully slow though. We were supposed to get our shits and giggles from the sheer irony, of the dullest married couple in the world actually being the most badass of corporate agents at the office... Of course, it didn't help things out though, that even for pretty much the entire film (including the second half, which was entertaining for the most part...), both Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were pretty much as dull as they can get... whether they meant to be or not...
Brad Pitt just had awful delivery on every single one of his lines. He wasn't cocky like he was in Fight Club, so his weird sort of muffled accent just didn't work in this film... If there was anything that I did like about his character though? It was that he was pussy whipped... He never once took the initiative against his wife. He always let her pull the trigger, or aim the damn gun at his head... Whatever she wanted, she could have. Both in marriage, and in battle... and hey, in my honest opinion at least? That's what women want. Total supremacy over their man...
... and it must've worked in this film, both on and off the stage, if Mr. Smith could get that fine ass to a perfect 10 in the end...
Angelina Jolie was utterly stale in this film however. She just did nothing for me. And playing a stone cold bitch who follows the rulebook by the letter, definitely didn't help things out for me either... Yeah, some of her banter lines were crafty and witty. The dinner by 7 thing was amusing for a time, considering she never even lifted a finger to cook (yet was pissed off as hell, like any bitchy wife would be, whenever Pitt didn't show at the table). And those curtains were hideous, yet she still kept swearing by them the whole nine yards... But for the most part? All she did in this film, was bitch at her husband, pass the salt, and then blow up a bunch of shit...
That's good enough for a summer blockbuster, but not exactly enough for my fair share of the summer... if you know what I mean...
I'm probably just bitter that for a movie all about female assassins and everything, there was no damn hot women in the film. Sure, Angelina Jolie may have a hot ass to pretty much any male pair of eyes and testicles on the goddam planet. But I've personally always been a Jennifer Aniston sort of girl myself... And I guess it figures then. The only girl in the entire film that did turn me on, was Jennifer Morrison's short cameo as a hot bitch lesbian genius with glasses. Sadly, she in this film was all I'd ever want from a woman... I'd sure like her to pussy whip me with her set of four eyes and four lips down below...
Getting back to Jennifer Aniston however, I see that she decided to get back at her ex by now sexing up his co-star from Mr. and Mrs. Smith... While I wish I was referring to Jennifer Morrison or Angelina Jolie in this regard, I still gotta give props to Vince Vaughn for putting a bit of variety into the overall stale flow of the film...
He had some funny lines. Refusing to get out of bed for a routine mercenary kill, or warning his mother upstairs of high alert... Still, he just seemed completely out of place this film. He didn't seem like he had any chemistry with Brad Pitt as a friend, or Angelina Jolie as the best friend of the husband or whatever... His comedy was just a bit too slapstickish compared to the stiff utter lip shared by both Mr. and Mrs. Smith... And in the end? Vince barely really contributed a thing, as I only remember him in two or three key scenes in the film... though at least he's now contributing through the news, getting Jennifer Aniston to expose that bare bottom of hers and all...
Now, I'd probably give Mr. and Mrs. Smith two thumbs up, simply due to the fact that the script did make me laugh. And simply from the fact that I love stuff blowing up, especially in the minivans that I'm forced to drive day and night...
BUT WHERE THE FUCK WAS THE ENDING?
Explain to me this, since I seem to be missing something in the end...
Mr. and Mrs. Smith get into an elevator, and then go on a shooting spree against a bunch of generic Mr. Smiths from the Matrix or something? And then after avoiding a couple of bazooka shots and killing everything in sight, then they go back to their marriage counselor... and what? Talk about sex? WTF?...
Where is the resolution? Sure, I understand that the action in the film was just a summer blockbuster backdrop for suburban marital problems or whatever. But still, WTF?... They just kill a bunch of generic assassins, without doing anything to Father or anyone who mattered whatsoever, to get the bounty lifted off their heads. And then they just have a ton of sex in the end? WTF?... While sure, that may be my fantasy too (if they replaced Angelina Jolie with Jennifer Aniston, Brad Pitt with Jennifer Morrison, and their pot roast with my penis...), it just makes no fucking sense in the end... unless they're just setting up Mr. and Mrs. Smith Part Deux...
Of course, we are talking about a film here, where the married couple doesn't ever notice huge stockpiles of guns everywhere in their house for the past four or five fucking years or whatever. And a film where Seth Fucking Cohen gets away with wearing a goddam Fight Club shirt (as if he deserves to do so... fucking OC dipshit...)... so I think I'll let the complete lack of an ending slide, just this once...
But besides that? There's really not much to say about Mr. and Mrs. Smith...
My review and final score are a complete no-brainer, afterall...
The film was fun, granted, and entertaining for its latter hour for the most part...
It had witty dialogue, some cool action scenes, and a couple of sex scenes that would've turned me on if the girls had just worn goddam glasses...
The film wasn't anything special though.
Felt like just another generic, summer blockbuster hit pretty much...
Complete with boredom...
... repetitiveness...
... tedium...
... lies...
... ignorance...
... feigned pot roast...
... and of course, adultery...
Yup, pretty much just like real, suburban life...
... like mom's home cooking, really..."
Film Design - 7.5
Enjoyment Factor - 8.0
Overall (not an average)
- 7.5
(2 out of 4 stars)
___________________________________
- Commentary from a friend -
"Fun, Fun, Fun...
Isn't that what's it all about...
The summer movie season is about fun, laughs, action, and overall great entertainment.
Yes, that's right...I saw "Mr. & Mrs. Smith" this past Friday night at 10:15pm...and to be honest, this film rocked so much ass, it's not even funny...
Oh, abhor all the nay-sayers who are adament at writing crap supermarket schlock about Brangelina. I mean...I have to say that Brangelina is the stupidest combo name that they could have come up with. I mean ever since the infamous Bennifer the schlock tabloit shittoids think they have to come up with grade 4 intelligence (and maturity as well, might I add)...but enough of my tabloid rant for the day...
Because the thing is, this current film starring Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie as a married couple, disguised as assasins, was just a brilliant summer film chock full of fun and poking fun as well.
This film was directed by Doug Liman of Bourne Identity, Swingers, and Go fame. The stylized look of this film was great, and the supporting cast in Adam Brody and Vince Vaughn was just pitch perfect. This was truly the film that I was waiting for, and kinda re-energized my love for movies. And that reason is, the film is just a wambam fun time for all. Also, the action in this film is well executed and the car chase that Liman has put forth I believe he outdoes himself compared to the Paris chase in the mini-cooper in the "Bourne Identity."
Have I emphasized the "fun" factor of this film enough for you yet?
The film was more than just fun though, as this film also had an edge to it...but the edge was a welcome relief in that it provided something fresh on the romantic comedy-action angle. Not since Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jamie Lee Curtis teamed up in "True Lies", has a movie couple have such a great working chemistry on-screen.
Now, this film is about John & Jane Smith as they are working on their marriage. I mean he thinks that he's been married for 5 years, and his wife, Jane believes that it has been 6. Now, regardless of the stereotype, don't argue with the wife as the female is most always right on these things. You see the Smith's met each other by accident/coincidence in South America when John said that he was Jane's boyfriend, and obvious ploy to get Jane off the hook/jam that apparently she had gotten herself into.
As the movie continues, we learn that John & Jane are respective assassins. John works with his partner, Eddie (Vince Vaughn), which is part of a larger business. Jane, however, works for a Charlie's Angels type office in which the boss is a male and is barely seen when giving the latest instructions. Jane has made a front company to hide the true nature of the business.
Eventually, Jane finds out that John had been deployed on the same mission. However, because they work for rival companies neither knew that they were both assassins. This is because up to this point John and Jane would always come home to what seemed to their spiritual neighbors as a normal working couple.
Also, as the movie progresses, it seems that the employers of John & Jane have found out about their situation. So, while at first John & Jane try to kill each other, they eventually work together to combat the third-party forces. In the end, the marriage seems to be salvaged...and things begin to express themselves on a new path for both Smiths.
Overall, this film was just a fun time (if I haven't mentioned that already). Also, the relationship of Pitt and Jolie was well done. The way that Pitt handles himself with his so-called wife when he thinks she wants to kill him is also well done. Just the little winks and pokes throughout the film are great. The film was just a fun ride for 2 hours. The film is well worth your trip to the theatre.
Therefore, I shall give this film an 8/10 and a 3/4 stars."
Film Design - 8.0
Enjoyment Factor - 8.0
Overall (not an average) - 8.0
(3 out of 4 stars)
- Risen Phoenix -