IvanF's Cut and Paste, No-Name Theatrical Review of Rumour Has It 2005...

- NoName.Mycrowsoft.com -
"Where do you want to Crow today?"

- IvanF's Mycrowsoft Noname Brand Website -
- noname writing online since May 2002 -

I may be a guy, and this may be a romantic comedy. But believe me when I say that that's not the reason why I believe the above rumour to be damn well true... Afteral, there have been plenty of romantic comedies that I have loved in my life. You've Got Mail, The Wedding Singer, and even fucking American Pie 2 have all made me feel... well, something... You know, by giving a loser like me hope and all...

But I felt absolutely nothing in Rumour Has It. It felt as dead to me as Mark fucking Ruffalo's acting...

This film started out with the phrase, "based on a real rumour". The thing is, if it actually was based on a real rumour, I would've preferred a better fucking rumour than the one we got... namely one with lots of naked women, lots of fucking lesbian sex, and lots of fucking kidney stealing from naked hot chicks in bathtubs...

Jennifer Aniston has always been a favourite of mine, as she was once considered by me to be the best looking woman on earth. But either age has finally taken her toll on her, or that the high definition size of a movie projector screen is just not warming nor welcoming to her complexion, but she looked pretty damn awful in Rumour Has It...

Every single romantic comedy that I've loved in the past needs some sort of hot chick to be passable. You've Got Mail had Meg Ryan still at her cutest, Drew Barrymore was adorable in The Wedding Singer, and I still have a thing for Alyson Hannigan and everything... A few years ago, Jennifer Aniston would've definitely been near or at the top of that list. But a few years ago is a hell of a lot of time in the movie world...

... just ask Shirley MacLaine about that... or at least, her character of Grandma Catherine (aka Mrs. Robinson) in the film...

She was absolutely the only real interesting character in the film. While Rumour Has It took place in Pasadena, California, where everyone is as fucking fake as you can possibly expect from fucking rich actors pretending to be fucking rich tennis players, she was really the only honest one amongst the crowd. The writers chose to make her stand out to the audience, and she strangely enough did have that kind of feeling of a Mrs. Robinson that was somehow even more alluring than fucking angsty, Jennifer Aniston in the film... By the end of the movie, while I was rolling my eyes at fucking Sarah getting back together with her beau of a fiance, I was actually rooting for fucking Mrs. Robinson to go after Beau fucking Burroughs...

... or with Jennifer Aniston too, really... considering Shirley and her were the only two with decent damn chemistry in the whole damn film...

I'm sorry, but Aniston just sucks in the movies. Why does she always play the bitchy good girl in films, instead of the cute and irresistible character that was created for her on Friends?... In Rumour Has It, all she did was go through a mid-life crisis, the same kind that almost every woman does when they get engaged or become a bridesmaid, never the bride. And I just couldn't help but roll my eyes at the whole moral of the shit story and all... From the moment we met him, I wanted her to dump fucking Mark Ruffalo for an actor with some decent romantic skills. And yet the moral of the story still somehow ended up being to find yourself, marry your best friend, live your life in boredom, and become your own fucking mother by fucking your grandfather...

I must admit though, that the general premise of the story of the movie was alright. By far, the most interesting parts of the movie came from Sarah Huttinger discovering just who she was and what the family history was... I am an Oedipal guy at heart, and I think absolutely the best part of the film for me was when she suddenly felt possessed to fuck the man she had once thought to be her farther. And the scene where she writhes and squiggles and squirts from the sight of Beau's son wasn't that damn bad either...

Now it's true that Rumour Has It definitely had its fair share of comic parts that made me snicker. The look on Sarah's face when the Mrs. Robinson music started playing in the background was wonderful, Sarah and her blonde-witted sister screaming over the phone at the same time did have the theatre cracking, and who could possibly forget Jennifer Aniston talking with Lt. Cadman outside of the 1997 Internet Conference as well?...

... well, alright... so maybe the latter wasn't so funny... It still had me smiling though, picturing those two naked and fucking horny with each other... Now there's a rumour I definitely could go for...

But what good is a decent premise to the story and a few decent gags inbetween, when the delivery of almost every single line was so damn boring and deadpanned?... I will pan Mark Ruffalo's acting for all its worth, as it's pretty much worth nothing in the end. Meanwhile, Kevin Costner was decent in his role, but I just felt that he was more creepy than charming when it came to all his eternal horniness (which works in an independent film, but not exactly in a romantic comedy...)...

I did like the talk at the end when Sarah learned that her mother had told her father the whole Mexican story, but Richard Jenkins was just goddam completely useless for the rest of the goddam film... And WTF was with Mena Suvari as Annie? I know she was meant to be as Pasadena, paramecium phony as possible in this film, but she wasn't even convincing as an actress when it came to her anxiety attack later on. Her lines felt forced, as if the writers and director wanted Jennifer Aniston of all people to seem compassionate, caring, and the heroine of the story... even after fucking sleeping with Kevin fucking Costner and getting dumped by Brad fucking Pitt...

And unjustly so, I had walked into the theatre today, expecting Jennifer Aniston to principally be Rachel Green fucking her own father (which sadly enough, never did happen on the actual show...). Suffice to say, I walked away disappointed... And this was the same damn thing I expected from pretty much every other Jennifer Aniston movie in history, only to find that she really does suck at acting outside of the television character and the hair that she had lucked out in having for ten damn years...

Now, Rumour Has It was a decent film in retrospect, if only thanks to the Mrs. Robinson connotations and a few Oedipal direct references here and there...

Rumour had it as well, that Jennifer Aniston was pretty damn decent in this film...