IvanF's Cut and Paste, No-Name Theatrical Review of Serenity 2005...

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... so obviously, I walked into the theater today with a wide open mind, completely prepared to write a perfectly impartial and unbias review of Joss Whedon's Serenity...

On the one hand, as a SciFi buff, I absolutely despised the series for making a mockery of both Trek and science... and obviously as a Buffy the Vampire fan, I was pissed off as hell that Joss Whedon basically abandoned Buffy and Angel for this fucking show instead, leaving us with utter pieces of shitfests on the two already-shitty series that I did care about...

On the other hand though? Joss Whedon always does have a way with his characters. A way that makes me care about them, no matter how crude the settings of his television series may be, or how nonsensical his plotlines may turn out to be... and in that sense, Firefly was definitely a series that I would've preferred to keep running on the small screen for years...

... of course, I also think it was gorram canceled for a goddam goddam reason... but that's a story for another day...

Suffice to say, even though I'd much rather side with the gorram Alliance over the goddam Brown Coats, I've been highly anticipating Serenity for months and months now... Firefly had its fair share of decent episodes in its short lived run to wet my Whedon appetite. And more important than not, I've been dying to know just how exactly Joss Whedon's writing style would translate back to the big screen...

... without the big wigs looking over his shoulder for Toy Story and, umm... the original Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie, I suppose...

The thing is, I can't help but be disappointed in Serenity... and ironically enough, for the reasons that I never would've predicted in the first place...

Let's face facts - Joss Whedon can't do epic action. One-on-one fights in Angel weren't bad, but has he ever done any major action scene justice otherwise?... The same goes for Firefly. I was severely disappointed in just how disjointed his whole space battle felt. All you could see was the Firefly swerving through random explosions that looked straight out of Star Wars: Episode III... and not in a good way...

We never got any definitive shots of any of the action, or any memorable moments to remember aside from the sight of the Reavers all coming out of the cloud at once... Instead, just like with a low-budget television series, we knew that something epic was going on. But I for one just didn't get the gorram feeling that something big was actually going down...

On the small screen, this can be easily excused, simply because the true strength of Joss Whedon has always lied in his characters and dialogue and his story arcs... and perhaps the uniqueness of his vision for the industry as well... But what the fuck happened to his so-called genius in Serenity?... more like senility, or whatever sort of crap...

I know, I know. Obviously, all the cow shit (literal cow shit, I mean) wouldn't have worked on the big screen. Hell, I personally hated half the time all the gorram Space Western crap that Joss Whedon force fed into our television screens with his Firefly series in the first place... But at least all the cattle and the cows coming home gave the series a unique flavour (and stench) in the end, one that simply hasn't been forgotten to this very day. Sure, it wasn't quite my cup of earl gray tea, but it still just pains me to see that pretty much every bit of the Space Western crap that we got from Firefly, is noticeably missing in action in Serenity...

We do get a whole bunch of the Chinese shit that I absolutely hated on the series (mostly because nobody on the show had the goddam Chinese accent even remotely right...). But it was just all so subdued in the end, you know?... All the Chinese swear words were basically mumbled, so that newcomers to the series wouldn't realize that they missed a beat. And aside from the bar fight, was there any real Chinese-looking scene out there (though Inara's place was close enough, I guess)?...

Hell, even the musical soundtrack to this film sucked... I mean, sure it was laced with Chinese and Western folk diddy tunes, true. But none of it all was front and center, not that I could audibly tell at least... As far as I could perceive? All the unique musical crap that the series had going for it, took a backseat as an afterthought to the afterburners and all the other generic action crap that the film provided in the end...

The one place that Serenity did shine, was the fact that it did have a decent plotline in the end... I mean hell, just ten minutes into the film, we were already all told that the crew knew River Tam was a psychic, and that she could control her spider-tingling powers to sense danger. That there alone was probably more info than we would've got after two gorram seasons of the goddam show, knowing Joss Whedon I mean...

Chiwetel Ejitor played a stellar villain. Some have complained that he was too bland for the part, but that was exactly the point, now wasn't it? He was the exact opposite of the Reavers, in which he was always perfectly calm and serene. Yet deep down inside, he was a worse killer than anything else the Alliance ever made... It was Joss Whedon writing at its finest, for The Operative to tell Malcolm straight to his face that he knows that his actions are evil, and that he realizes that he doesn't belong in the perfect world he's trying to create. And yet during the whole conversation, Ejitor plays it with a straight face of a pure amoralistic demeanor...

... Ejitor = Elijah Woods from Sin City, I suppose then... or Blade, if you just see him as a black man with a sword at least (although his Last Samurai homage at the start was indeed very cool)...

Now, I didn't quite care for a lot of the minor plot contrivances, like meeting Mr. Universe of the WWE after just a split second introduction, or how the big bad guy just let everyone conveniently go when push came to shove... But the main core storyline of "Miranda", in which it turns out (huge spoilers) that the Alliance actually created the Reavers through an experiment to turn an entire population of 30 million into docile drones, definitely was the kind of revelation that could've kept Firefly as a series flying and soaring for years...

I absolutely loved the creepiness factor as the crew were walking on Miranda. The sight of all those dead and decaying bodies, just standing there as they basically bored themselves to death (though after watching Firefly, I can kind of relate...)?... I don't know. It was just absolutely the most powerful atmosphere I've felt from Joss Whedon since perhaps even Buffy's fourth season Hush... Sure, Hush sucked. But the feeling of fear and survival was definitely there, and I definitely felt it again here as the team was watching the recorded transmission of the last moments of that really fucking hot Alliance scientist there...

Summer Glau must've spent her summers kicking ass and taking names during the Firefly off-season or something, because damn can the girl ever kick high. I mean, there was no need to use Batman-esque quick cam shots or any other crappy action tricks in Serenity, because River Tam really is that damn fast when it comes to knocking you off your ass and fucking you sideways... To me, Summer will still always be just that random, red shirt, prima ballerina from the first or second season of Angel or whatever. But damn, can that bitch ever make ballet seem so damn cool... ballet like a bullet, really...

This was her first ever movie role, wasn't it? And she definitely owned the screen with the role... Joss Whedon thankfully toned down all her craziness from the series, in terms of those god-awful, philosophical, non-sensical bullshit ravings and rantings that Brown Coat fans just love to pierce and piece back together... Instead, Summer was allowed to tell the story through his 90 lb body frame and her amazing facial reactions. And just from the sheer fear on her frozen face whenever the Reavers came near, I actually bought into her psychosis for the first time ever in the series... Even if I thought her ultimate secret was ultimately lame as hell, I personally thought River was done so much better in Serenity than she ever was in Firefly...

... I just wish the rest of the television actors were as epic as the movie tried to be, you know?...

I absolutely hated what Joss Whedon did to Malcolm Reynolds in Serenity. He was a far more darker and edgier version of himself than he ever was in the series. And God knows that Nathan Fillion just can't act serious... I didn't mind the later bits, when Malcolm basically started his own personal war against the Alliance when it came to Miranda. At least I could buy his seriousness then, like a decent Whedon season finale or something... But for the first two acts of the film? Really, who was that man in command? Did he ever crack a smile or even break a sweat?... I could've sworn Malcolm was replaced by some generic action hero or something...

He wasn't funny, or anything like he was in the series... Sure, he had a few good lines. "I'm unarmed" followed by "good" cracked me up for a long time, and "You want to run this ship?" did as well, but those were pretty much his only decent lines in the entire damn script. And hell, those two quotes were spoiled by the trailers anyhew... And where was his goofiness? Aside from his whole exchange with Inara, he was purely archaic and stoic. I know he had a vendetta to pay the Alliance back with, but even as a soldier he had a sense of humour (if that episode with Buffy's "Holden" as a coma stowaway was any indication)...

Did Nathan Fillion do a good job on the action at least? I guess I can say he did... Joss Whedon always seems to pull off one-on-one duels pretty damn well. And even though it was completely dumbass (or honourable?... or "alright"...) for Malcolm not to shoot The Operative in the head when he was stunned from Inara's flash (not that kind of flash though...), I was still impressed with the overall choreography of that scene... While the final bout between the two wasn't quite as effective (thanks to the scene constantly cutting back to the Reaver battle), it was still good ol' fashion Buffy slaying all the way. Brought back nostalgic memories, actually...

... before Whedon basically buried his Buffyverse series thanks to his fucking obsession with Firefly, that is... and definitely before Nathan embarrassed himself as Caleb in Buffy's season 7, as well...

Jayne was criminally fucked in this movie. Though some have complimented that they were pleased that he matured into a serious hardass, I personally missed the good-hearted, goofy thug that we got in episodes like "Jaynestown", or obviously the time he got that patented hat from his mother in the mail... Here in Serenity, he was a badass with grenades, plain and simple. In the series, his love and hate relationship with River actually had chemistry. While in the movie, it really just looks like he wants to gut her out, and not exactly in the same loving way... Besides a few banter plays on words with Malcolm, did Jayne even have a decent line? He was the muscle in Serenity, plain and simple. Quite a crying shame actually, as Adam Baldwin didn't even look jakked enough for the part anymore for some odd reason...

Now, Kaylee was absolutely the most adorable part of Firefly the series. And often enough, she was the show's only saving grace, with her amazing grace and charms and naivete... But damn, give the girl a twinkie or something. Because while I know this is what Jewel Staite normally looks like, she was just so much damn cuter when she actually had meat on her cheeks... And in Serenity, why was she even there? Besides watching sparks fly in the engine room, you could barely tell she was an engineer. And besides the forced sparks between her and Simon, you probably wouldn't even know she was in the film... Did she even get a memorable line? Well, besides her vibrator one at least...

... I could've stood to hear a bit more of that at least, rather than the rest of the crap we got from her...

Simon in the series was the snark of the show, more or less. He was the clueless virgin whenever it came to Kaylee and love, but he was always the sarcastic asshole when it came to Jayne and Malcolm. And that's what made him one of my favourite characters on the show... But in Serenity? All he did was whine and complain about protecting his sister. While obviously, that has always been his thing in the series, the rest of his repertoire was sadly missing action... We barely got to see his medical skills whatsoever. And did we even get one decent line out of him?... Sure, I laughed a bit when Kaylee decided to fight and live through the Reaper attack, if only to get some fucking action later on. But I could've sworn that Simon got much better moments than that in pretty much each and every single, one hour episode of Firefly. Why not now?...

Sheppard Book died. He sucked ass anyways. Did he even explain why he's so high ranking and profiled in the Alliance anyhew?... Probably a general or a former assassin or something. Whatever. He died a pointless, generic death, by the book...

Inara had a few moments. Probably the best (and most Whedonesque) scenes of the entire damn film came between her and Malcolm. Watching the crew throw popcorn at the monitor as they were eavesdropping on Malcolm's communication, was exactly the kind of fluff and light-hearted stuff that makes me tune into crappy Joss shows in the first place... And she definitely wasn't just eye candy when it came to Malcolm and The Operative duel on the buddhist grounds. She didn't do such a bad job trying to pull a River and kick fucking high. And her whole incest thing (umm... incense, I mean...), caught me by surprise as well... But that was it. Did she even have a line after that?...

Bah, she sucked in the series anyhew. Literally. Fucking sucked. Fucking whore...

Now, Gina Torres never did well on the series if you ask me (and never on Angel either, that's for sure... and she sucked ass in Alias too, but who's counting?...). Zoe never did anything for me on the series, and she sure has hell didn't do anything for me in Serenity either... I do admit that I've always liked how she's kept her relationship with Malcolm, as if she was still in his military platoon at the Battle of Serenity or something. It gave her character some sort of meaning and uniqueness on the show... But besides that, what is her role? First officers never get anything to do on SciFi shows (just ask William Riker, outside of his womanizing moments at least). And all she did was stand around and act completely prosaic and stoic in this film... even when her husband fucking bit the dust... or his spleen...

I don't get it, really. Why did he die?... If he was going to be the sacrificial lamb, I would've expected the movie to make us first love him or something, by giving him a bunch of classic lines that would've endeared the entire crowd to the pilot of the ship. But instead, aside from the coolass Firefly entry into the Universal planet at the start, Wash was simply in the background. He quiped on the side like a film director making a DVD commentary, talked it up with Mr. Universe as if they were dating, and did his whole "Leaf in the Wind" blow shit, but that was about it...

... and absolutely the most hilarious one since at least I saw Tara bite the dust...

Can I help it if I laughed like a lunatic Reaver in the audience? While everyone else was shocked to tears, covering their mouths and shaking their fists in fury at Whedon for ripping their hearts out, I just couldn't help but fucking laugh about how damn sudden the whole thing was... Here was the guy, celebrating over a miracle landing of the Firefly. Then what the fuck happens, but a Reaver impales him with a fucking spear? Fuck yeah!... I'd call that sweet irony, except... umm... I can't see how that's ironic...

But it wasn't a pointless death... Anya in Buffy was a pointless death, since nobody on the cast gave a damn about it five seconds afterwards. And Wes had a pointless death, considering it felt just so tacked onto Illyria's story at the time... But Wash's death was not pointless in the end, for anyone who wasn't unspoiled I mean. His death marked a clear statement in the film, that nobody would be safe during the Reaver battle... And yes, while I knew deep down inside that River would probably pull a miracle with her killer ballet skills or whatever, I was still worried about Simon when he got fucking shot in the groin... or wherever he was shot, at least...

Yes, the final act of Serenity was quite a ride on the Firefly. The Miranda scenes were amazingly creepy and even thought-provoking (in a fucking, anti-Trek message sort of way). And while the Reaver battle was mind-boringly desensitizing, it was nice to see Malcolm play a little bit of hero with The Operative in the end (and got a few decent one-liners in there as well)...

Serenity was weirdly enough, the complete gorram opposite of everything that the original series stood for, in my honest opinion at least...

Firefly was about comedy. Firefly was about script writing. Firefly was about wit, and banter, and cute, corny lines...

Firefly was a fucking Western in space... Firefly was fucking Whedon in space... with fucking Chinese chicken balls on the side...

Simply put, Serenity wasn't even as good as the series. And the series sucked, so...

Still, my dual-natured, conflicted emotions about the whole gorram show, can't help but hold out hope that Firefly will someday mark and make a return to the small screen... it did go before its time, afterall...

But considering Joss Whedon now refuses to do any of the goddam television series that I actually do care about?...