IvanF's Cut and Paste, No-Name Theatrical Review of
Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith 2005

- IvanFian written May 26th, 2005 -

"A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...

Star Wars: Episode III. Revenge of the Sith.

... where I hope George Lucas fucking ROTS in hell...

I mean seriously, did the man even take one good look at the acronym for his latest and perhaps final Star Wars film?

He obviously cared as much for the title as he did for the script...

It's true, oh it's true, that Star Wars: Episode III suffers from the same horrid script writing that the other two prequel movies did... When you've got love exchanges with lines like "You're beautiful because you're in love" and "You're beautiful because I'm in love", then you know somebody was smoking a joint when he was writing the damn lines to this film...

It's sad to say, that George Lucas can't even write romance scenes on the level of the bloody hell Catwoman film. I honestly felt more romantic chemistry in Team America than I did in Revenge of the Sith...

But at least George Lucas actually listened to the fans, and kept the Padme and Anakin Skywalker scenes to an absolute minimum. Sure, the fact that Padme was broken down into a bitchy, helpless housewife actually had me cheering like a football fan at her death and everything. But considering her best friend, Jar Jar, was barely in the film at all?... then I guess George Lucas was listening to the fans afterall...

He listened a little too much for once, I'd wager. I mean, Star Wars: Episode III pretty much can be summed up as one big fanboy fanservice for the long time fanatics... They replaced Jar Jar with Chewbacca. They had more scenes of Senator Organa than they did of Padme, me thinks. And was that Grand Moff Tarkin at the end of the film with Darth Vader and the Emperor?... In a sense, Revenge of the Sith was George Lucas' big "I'm sorry" to the fans, trying to suck up to his fanbase to keep us sucking on his titties like a whore some more...

... and it worked...

... afterall, I am the no-name nostalgic...

Star Wars may not be Shakespeare when it comes to the script. But dammit, when I go into a theatre to see a movie called "Star Wars", I ain't expecting Hamlet... and Hamlet sucked ass, by the way...

I go into a movie to be entertained. And to be honest, I was definitely entertained by Revenge of the Sith... Sure, most of the best moments were simply nostalgic fly-by's for long time fans. Seeing the precursors to the X-Wings, A-Wings, B-Wings, Tie Fighters, and I think even the Millennium Falcon down below (unless that was the Falcon itself) was literally the highlight of the opening space battle for me... Having the first Imperial Shuttles and AT Walkers show up on screen, not to mention the return of the Clone War Star Destroyers, definitely hit the right mark and got me all riled up, now huh kid?... or something like that...

Revenge of the Sith had two main goals: to show the inevitable downfall of Anakin Skywalker... and to set up the galaxy as we see it in Star Wars: A New Hope... and while the film does neither job perfectly? I gotta admit... I was satisfied nevertheless on both accounts...

Since geeks just love ranking systems, I might as well rank the Star Wars movies as I see them... although considering I hate the Star Wars trilogy as a whole (afterall, I am a Trekkie)? Then I guess my two cents won't even be worth one...

Return of the Jedi was by far the worst of the flicks. The only thing to even come close to redeeming that film from Ewok insanity, was the Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker final 'bout. And even that was barely worth it... Episode I comes in a close second to last place, saved only by the pod race and the stellar fight with Darth Maul near the end... Episode II takes the next place up the hierarchy, as it was entertaining. Horrible romance and all, and I definitely overrated it in my review, but it was still entertaining... Empire Strikes Back comes next. I do love the pacing and music in the film, but the plotline just didn't hit the mark for me... A New Hope rounds out the list as second best Star Wars film of all time, and probably would be higher if it didn't feel so outdated nowadays...

... and in my opinion, what's the best Star Wars film ever made?...

... yeah... well, you got it right... considering there's only one film left to name...

... I hope George Lucas ROTS in hell...

...

The script was horrible. And I was definitely disappointed by the lack of space battles... The only real one in Revenge of the Sith was the big clash over Coruscant at the start. And besides some turboblaster fire from a Star Destroyer, we really got nothing... And of course, the wooden acting throughout the film was accompanied by big ass CG scenes everywhere. Most of the time, the actors seemed like they were talking to walls. Because literally, that's how they filmed pretty much the entire damn film... The CG backgrounds were near seamless though, and miles ahead of anything in Attack of the Clones. But I still miss the good old days, of filming in actual locations, you know?...

I've already complained about how much of a bitch Padme was. I just loved how she named her children on a whim at the end, and didn't even bother looking at Leia after she was born... Choosing suicide over raising her own children, eh? What a nice mother she turned out to be...

And I can't believe I'm saying this, but the Jedi Order absolutely sucked Darth Balls in the film... I'm hoping that this was what Yoda meant by a lack of balance in the force. Because was it me, or did all the Jedi Masters act as arrogantly bastard-like as you'd expect from a Sith?... First of all, during Order 66, all the gunned down Jedis seemed so trusting of their clone soldiers, that they didn't even sense the backstabbing coming... And WTF was up with Mace Windu? Not only did he show no mercy to the Chancellor, but he acted as a total pompous ass to Anakin as well! You could almost blame him for the fall of Skywalker, being the ass of a teacher as he was...

And you gotta love Obi Wan at the end. Instead of trying to get Anakin back on the light side of the force, Kenobi just whips out his light sabre, and tells him it's time for him to die... And after the battle was done? What does Obi Wan do, but let his best friend burn in agony rather than just putting him out of his misery? Yeah, nice friendship there, mate...

And yes, the birth of Darth Vader (contrasted with the birth of his children) was cheesy as hell. I couldn't help but laugh at the infamous "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" scene... Now, I know all about the damage control excuses out there, that the creation of Vader was a supposed throwback to a similar scene in the 1930's Frankenstein film. But that doesn't excuse just how damn badly the scream was done... Even in Empire Strikes Back, when Luke screams out the same words, it doesn't sound nearly as half bad. Because seriously, Anakin as Darth Vader seemed to care so damn little in his little whelp of pain, that it felt like he was crying over a lost Diet Coke or some shit like that... and to that and the entire scene, I can really only say...

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"...

... amen...

... and ahem...

...

Yes, Revenge of the Sith was definitely nowhere close to the perfect film Star Wars fanboys like Kevin Smith were frothing over...

But as a Trekkie?... I must admit... despite all my misgivings, the film did exceed my expectations, however low they may have been...

I mentioned that the script wasn't Shakespearean... But from a certain point of view, the story certainly was...

This was a tragedy. And I love my goddam, Greek tragedies... Anakin lost everything. Thanks to the same kind of self fulfilling prophecy that almost got Luke in Empire Strikes Back, Anakin ironically killed his wife (and his child, or so he thought) by trying to save them... By trying to save democracy and protecting the Republic, he turned on the Jedi, and was lost down the path to a galaxy-oppressing Empire... He lost his career. He lost his social status. He lost his hero status... He lost his best friend. He almost lost his own life... If that ain't a goddam, Greek tragedy, then I don't know what is...

The film had a sort of Shakespearean poetry to it, though definitely not in prose... In my opinion, just like the great tragedies of the past, the true climax of the film came in the middle. With the second half as the denouement... The scene where Anakin turns on Mace Windu and joins the Dark Side of the force, may be the most argued about scene in the entire film. And I admit, from a human and movie making perspective, Anakin did seem like he shifted sides way too quickly. From being the peacemaker, to slaughtering little annoying kids in about five minutes flat...

... but anyone who doesn't get why he changed so quickly...

... underestimates the power of the dark side of the force...

It's a trap!

...

Yeah, his turn wasn't perfect. But I definitely felt something there... And combine that with Order 66?... Sure, all those Jedis were too damn stupid to defend themselves. It bugged me to hell that they weren't even looking over their shoulders just in case... But there's no doubt about it, that Anakin's turn and the destruction of the Jedi Order, were two of the most emotionally impactful scenes in the history of the series. They served as the true climax of the film, an almost surreal kind of Shakespearean tragic moment if you will...

... and besides... I cheered when Anakin shut the mouth of those annoying, cock sucking, little "younglings"... but that's besides the point...

One of the reasons why those Dark Jedi scenes were so powerful, was because Revenge of the Sith had arguably the best soundtrack in the history of the series... I wasn't a fan of the new additions to the musical score. But thanks to being the no-name nostalgic, even I have a soft spot for all the Star Wars tunes of the past... From the return of the Episode I fighting melodies, to everyone's favourite Empire march, John Williams just did an outstanding role in creating a soundtrack that blended seamlessly with the film. It was one of the most beautiful, epic scores I've ever heard, to be honest... and kinda makes me jealous, as the Star Trek fanboy that I am...

The pacing of the film was near perfection. I had heard that Anakin's turn to the dark side was rushed (which was partially true), but as for the overall film itself? I was really never bored once... For once, a prequel trilogy film didn't feel schizophrenic by constantly switching between subplots and scenes. For once, a Star Wars film felt natural in its progression of one battle to the next, for the first time since Empire Strikes Back at least... Some say there were too many battles in the film, and that none of them were memorable. But really, I wasn't bored once throughout the film... and how the hell can I be, when there were just so many shiny little lights on screen to dazzle and keep me company?...

And every single scene that the Emperor was in, was a scene worth watching more than once... His 'seduction' scene at the water opera, where he tempts and baits Anakin with the powers of the dark side? As a nerd of all things sci-fi, I just loved the script and the atmosphere in that scene... All the talk of Darth Plagas, the supposed former master of Palpatine (if rumours of the next prequel trilogy are to be believed), had me gripping on the edge of my seat... I mean, were his powers real? Could he create life and bring it back from the dead? Or was Palpatine just lying to Anakin, using his fear of losing Padme against him?... Hell, the power to control life was almost tempting for me to take. I love the seduction of the dark side of the force, luring you in with promises of the greater good... Take me, Darth Sidious! I want to be master of the undead or some shit like that... And just the hypnotic tone of his voice that Palpatine was using in that scene, made me almost feel sorry for poor helpless Anakin. He didn't stand a chance against the lure of the dark side of the force, and I somehow literally felt it...

And the revelation scene, where the Emperor admits that he's the Sith Lord that the Jedi Order was looking for? I admit, I was kinda shocked and caught off guard by how candid he was being... Palpatine was a master manipulator. He brought back the dark side of the force in Anakin, by forcing him to give into his vengeance against Count Dooku. And now he was forcing Anakin's hand, to choose between the arrogant Jedi Order that was pissing him off, or saving Padme with the Emperor's supposed powers... It just shocked me that Palpatine would just admit everything so calmly to Skywalker, sort of like a father really (...), and then just let him run along to make the right decision. But somehow, it all worked out in the end... You could literally sense Anakin's confusion through the screen throughout that scene. Hayden Christensen may not be able to act worth a damn, but at least he can definitely look confused...

I really didn't like the fight scenes in the film much though... Count Dooku got his hands cut off nicely, but the entire fight scene was just a let down compared to his one against Yoda in Episode II... General Grievous had a kickass intro with the four light sabres and all. But he got his ass kicked by just one blade and a gun to his chest, which kinda made the useless toy of a character into more of a tool... I really hated the Jedi Masters' fight against Palpatine. I mean, I was hoping he was making everyone dumbass using his supposed Battle Meditation powers or something, because why the hell could the first three Jedi Masters not even raise their damn swords to parry once or twice? God, those morons deserved to die... And there is a huge debate whether Mace Windu actually won that battle, or whether Palpatine was just playing possum to lure Anakin to the dark side of the force. The battle sucked either way, but I loved the scenes that followed... Palpatine really was an insane, inhuman like creature in this film. And he almost made me want to rewatch Return of the Jedi...

... until I remembered just how damn much that movie sucked ass...

But the real star of the film was Ewan McGregor. It took him three films to get it down pat, but he really immortalized (and typecasted...) himself as the true Obi Wan Kenobi this film...

In Episode II, he didn't feel connected to Anakin Skywalker whatsoever. But it all changed in Episode III... Hayden Christensen and his ass were dragged into having decent conversations and actual jokes, that just somehow flowed with his Jedi Master. Both characters talked about saving each other's asses, and of the trust they had as best friends... And the dialogue was all delivered so well at times, that it really does bring new meaning to Obi Wan's comment, "he was a good friend", in Episode IV...

I'm sure it all looked hokey on paper... but I just loved this exchange between the two of them:

"You were the chosen one!"

"I HATE YOU!"

"... you were like a brother to me. I loved you."

Ewan McGregor nailed almost every single one of his lines, no matter what kind of wall or green screen he was actually staring at... And while he certainly will be 'rewarded' for his efforts, by thousands of lunatic Star Wars fanatics on the streets and at conventions, at least he can get two relatively normal, Trekkie thumbs up from me, the no-name whiner...

His fight with Anakin was alright. The lighting and CG effects of the lightsabres clashing on a volcanic planet were decent, but nothing really happened during their battle to make it stand out compared to Episode I. Except for that ever dubious "high ground" speech, but let us never speak of that again...

The Yoda and Palpatine fight was also lacking. Yoda was holding his own, yet he just decided to wuss out in the middle of the battle? WTF?... And WTF was up with his full scale Yoda sentences in the middle of a battle? WTF was he trying to say?... Not to mention the fact, that the Emperor just looked damn silly doing CG backflips everywhere on screen...

And I'm sure we'll never hear the end of it from Star Wars fanboys, that the prequel trilogy was just awful compared to the originals... Thanks to horrible scripts, wooden acting, romances worth gouging your eyeballs out, gung-ho lightsabre battles fueled by pez, and characters that just weren't as likable as they were in the original trilogy...

... and I agree...

But Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith did something that really no other Star Wars film has ever done...

It was actually entertaining the whole way through...

... I only cringed once or twice... or ten times at most...

... it made me actually want to watch the rest of the Star Wars trilogy for once...

... it actually made want to watch this movie a second time...

... and a whole day later? I somehow still liked the film...

I guess I underestimated the power of the dark side of the force...

... because for once, just for once?...

... instead of just hoping the series ROTS in hell...

... well... I wouldn't mind seeing these words just once more...

... a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away..."

Film Design - 7.5
Enjoyment Factor - 7.5

Overall (not an average) - 7.5
(2 out of 4 stars)