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IvanF's Mycrowsoft Noname Brand Website - |
IvanF's Cut and Paste, No-Name Theatrical
Review of
The Island 2005
- IvanFian written July 22nd, 2005 -
"Cloning for Dummies.
That's what they should call this movie...
The first half of the Island wasn't bad. Because just like with I, Robot last year, the actual premise behind the story ain't half bad...
In a Blade Runner kind of world, clones are grown and taught and kept around like children, despite all the laws of 2015 that prohibit cloned beings from ever attaining consciousness...
But the second half?... God...
It was like Bad Boys II for Dummies.
And that's saying a hell of a lot...
It was just so messed up, that I swear I was watching two completely separate movies...
In the first half, everything was slow and subtle and nicely paced... You had Ewan McGregor getting dazzled by a moth from the airducts. And you had Michael Clarke Duncan screaming like a baby with his liver cut out, an effective but small part that the actor had... You had cute little scenes of Lincoln Six Echo and Scarlett's Jordan Two Delta holding hands against the rules, as the two crazy kids were still too young and naive to know what god-awful PG-13 sex scenes were...
... and you had Steve Buscemi...
Steve Buscemi was absolutely the glue that kept the first half of the movie together as a whole... We as an audience pretty much all knew what Steve knew, and what he couldn't tell his friend Lincoln. I mean, how on earth could you ever tell your close friend that his organs are gonna be harvested for a guy he's never even met outside of the mirror?...
Buscemi didn't have a lot of scenes. But just like with Armageddon, he stole every single moment he had... The poor guy couldn't even get a good dump in on the can, without Lincoln barging in to join in on the fun. And Steve's character, whatever he was called, actually brought forth a decent and enlightening conversation about clones and copies and such and such on the comfy coach... The actor explained it all in a way that didn't make the audience feel like five year olds. And he was so kind enough to lend Lincoln his credit card and cash, that I actually did feel bad when the character was killed off the cast with a bullet to the chest...
... of course, I also felt real bad, because that's about when the movie really started sucking ass... uggh...
Because right after that, Mr. Trevelyn (and yes, I'll never stop calling Sean Bean that) gives a ridiculously infantile speech about cloning and what he does at his facility... Not only was it all redundant with every frickin' thing that Steve Buscemi had already said, but Trevelyn said it in a way that made him seem like a goddam bad Bond villain, talking to rich infantile morons, moon-raking in the money... which I suppose he was, if Michael Bay actually does make a ton of money off this flick...
And after that? We got absolutely some of the most ridiculous action scenes I have seen from a fucking movie in years... and strangely enough, for once I don't mean that in a good way...
First, Lincoln absolutely destroys the highway, Bad Boys II style, using fucking dumbbells to fucking ring the bell... Subtle dig about the audience, perhaps? As if the movie couldn't get any dumber...
And then jet bikes? WTF?... So let me get this straight... Not only do Jet Bikes exist in just 2019. Not only does Lincoln Six Echo somehow race them as if he were a fucking pod racer for life... But he also can fly it up to the penthouse suites of skyscrapers, and fucking ram the bikes through from one side of the building to the fucking other, without even a fucking real scratch? WTF?...
And then after all that senseless carnage, he grabs onto the fucking logo of a building sign, gets that blown too to shit and smithereens... starts falling down 70 fucking floors of air, taking a fucking helicopter down with him... crashes the fucking building logo onto the streets where countless cars are smashed in two... And yet Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson are just completely fine in the end? WTF?...
... only in a Michael Bay movie... only in a fucking Michael Bay movie...
... Pearl Harbor sucked, just a little bit more than I miss you...
Because I mean, there were just so many stupid ass WTF moments in The Island, that even I couldn't suspend my belief for this popcorn movie...
Why were there no security guards in the hologram room the first time Lincoln ran through it? Why were there no fucking security guards the second time Lincoln ran through it?... Why the fuck was Trevelyn stupid enough to take his hands off his gun, and fucking strangle Six Echo with his bare two hands? Why the fuck wasn't he smart enough to realize that edges of railings or whatever, along with actors of UK descent, are always his characters' one Achilles heel?...
I mean, getting hanged? Getting fucking hanged by his own fucking gun, while his security guards just sit and watch?...
... while fucking Neelix from Star Trek Voyager waddles his way to the Sun in his fucking tighty whities?...
WHAT THE FUCK?!?... uggh...
... and don't get me even started on that fucking ex-Navy Seal guy, who just switches sides like a fucking light switch... uggh...
The action didn't just suck in The Island because it made absolutely no sense whatsoever. And it didn't just suck, because there's only so many massive explosions in a row you can take, before you just yawn when the next completely pointless one shows up a second later...
It's also just that, Michael Bay has fallen in love with the shaky cam shit that every shit director has fallen for lately. And really, how the fuck can I even enjoy a good gun fight scene, when the fucking camera is bobbing up and down, making me more sick than a bullet to the gut could've ever achieved in the first place?...
Without Steve Buscemi, the second half of the movie was pure shit... Seeing Ewan McGregor with nerdy glasses, trying to be all gungho with a gun in one hand and a bad Scottish accent in the other, was just simply ridiculous in the end... It would've been much funnier if he just played himself...
... that's the thing though...
... this movie had absolutely no sense of humour whatsoever...
Except for maybe the rattlesnake encounter, was there even one bit of comic relief between every scream and shaky cam explosion?...
... even so... Ewan McGregor did help to make the first half of the movie into something decent enough in the end...
He actually asked some good questions to Sean Bean's character. Like, why does everyone wear white? And really, what the fuck is Tofu (and I refuse to believe it comes from Soya Beans... more like soya shit, really...)... I liked the whole running plot thing, that the clones retain some of their owners' memories. I knew where the boat from his dreams was coming from, but that didn't change the fact that Ewan really sold the fear and impact that his dreams had on him every single night...
The product placement was just god-awful in this film. Having Aquafina water on screen is one thing, but doing close-ups of the fucking bottle for five minutes straight next to the fucking Xbox sign, was definitely even worse than I, Robot's shoe shit last year... Still, Ewan definitely did have a bit of fun with that virtual fight arena. I would too, if I got to sweat it out with Scarlett Johannson on the other side...
And if there was anything to truly like about his character? It was the fact that Lincoln Six Echo, for the first half of the movie at least, was still rather gullible... I guess I perhaps did snicker a bit at his cluelessness to modern vernacular in the desert bar. And he just looked so damn happy when he saw that route 39 sign on the road, that I couldn't help but be contaminated by his infectious giddiness as well...
But really, WTF happened to our little lovable child in the second half of the film?... First, he willing kills a ton of mercenaries with that Bad Boys II shit on the highway. Without any sign of remorse, of course... Then, he willingly just lets his owner die at the barrel of a bullet, without giving a damn about the fact that his fucking 'father' or whatever, was now in a fucking body bag... And then at the end, Lincoln is still fucking giddy that he hanged Trevelyn by the noose, as if a dozen Bonds before him haven't done the same in some other movie or whatever... Lincoln just can't get enough of kicking ass, taking names, and fucking murdering everyone he meets on the streets, now doesn't he?...
... and we're supposed to root for this guy, why exactly?...
... to steal Scarlett Johansson away from us? I don't think so...
I agree with the actress though. She should've done that sex scene naked, as the fucking bra and panties ruined the whole fucking notion and motion of actual sex... And her hair was just not right this movie. It was way too sexed up, as if keeping it straight and fine wasn't good enough for all the horny teens that Michael Bay always misses the mark in the ass... Her chemistry with Ewan was cute at the start, when they were like playground children holding hands and sharing cuties. But once she got her full horny groove on, she became a domineering bitch who's good nature was simply lost in goddam translation...
Sean Bean was just a ridiculous villain. I mean, he was so goddam two-dimensional, that not once did he ever stop and consider the ramifications of his actions... He just wanted every clone dead. And he didn't care how it was done, or whether it was actually moral or not...
Now, I suppose a person like him can exist in the real world. Afterall, abortion is still approved by even my own goddam sister, since people don't consider others as real people, unless those people walk and talk right to their fucking faces... so killing clones to save our own hides ain't so far off in the end...
Trevelyn does bring up a good point though... We as a total society would never allow ourselves to murder sentient beings that talk, and think, and act just like we do. So he just tells the world a lie, that the clones are all brain-dead vegetables, rather than the ones eating all the vegetables in an underground bunker every single day... fucking tofu shit... I'd rather meet the cows I eat in my fucking burgers, thank you very much...
Now to me, it doesn't really make much sense that organs would just fail and die if the person isn't conscious, like the plot in The Island seems to suggest. But it is a decent thought for a five second philosophical session sometime, whether the organs would ever truly be healthy, without a healthy mind in tow with it...
Sean Bean feeds all the residents of his underground world with both food and hope, to keep them fit and strong and always prepared to leave for death at the Island (where I assume they get lulled into unconsciousness, by watching Leo DiCaprio's fucking The Beach or something... I wouldn't want to live after that, but I digress...)... While I seriously doubt that feeding all those assholes every day really does cost less than just quickly cloning organs for immediate transplant, I must admit that it is a possibility that one day in the future, a keen businessman might break the laws of society just like Bean did...
The Island represents hope for all the clones in the facility... it gives them purpose, and I do believe that people need purpose...
... I suppose movies do as well...
Because just like I, Robot, The Island ain't completely a moronic tale... there are some decent thoughts in there, with some decent acting from Ewan McGregor at least (and Scarlett looks nice, I guess... I'd rather watch five seconds clips of her from Ghost World, though...)...
But also just like with I, Robot?... the first half of the movie was decent...
... and the second half absolutely licked fucking balls...
... I mean seriously, the only way you could possibly truly delight in it? Is if in your head, you hear nothing but sex and echoes six...
Now, as a popcorn movie, I guess I didn't really mind The Island while watching it in theatres...
... but if I ever had to see this movie fucking again?... uggh...
... I think I'd rather go to the Island..."
Film Design - 7.0
Enjoyment Factor - 6.5
Overall (not an average)
- 6.5
(1 out of 4 stars)
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- Commentary from a friend -
"Well, I apologize for the long in waiting review of "The Island"…but that’s right folks…I did see said film back on Wednesday, July 27th at 8:00pm. And to be quite honest with you, I enjoyed myself during this film…as the action was quite well done and the story was overall quite decent. This is not to say however that the film had its faults, because yes, well the film did have it’s moments of stupidity…but they can be quite overshadowed by the overwhelmingly entertaining movie.
Now, this film is directed by Michael Bay who is the man who has directed such fare as "The Rock", "Pearl Harbor", "Bad Boys", "Bad Boys II", and "Armageddon". As well, Mr. Bay has even branched out of late to revive some horror classics such as "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" and "The Amityville Horror." Both of the latter two films are unseen by me, and it is for good reason since they suck. However, in this current film by Mr. Bay, which has undergone a big disappointment at the box office for the man, he directs a story that follows a guy and girl trying to unravel the secret of their uber-sterile world. The film’s main stars are Ewan McGregor as Lincoln Six-Echo and Scarlett Johansson as Jordan Two-Delta. I must say that the relationship between Ewan & Scarlett was well done, especially in the early going when Jordan was beating Lincoln in that X-Box fight simulation.
The film begins by following Ewan’s character Lincoln as he awakes from an intense dream involving a speed boat that he believes has significance, but is not sure. As the film progresses, Lincoln becomes ever more curious of his surroundings. Eventually, Lincoln comes before Merrick (Sean Bean), who is at the head of Merrick Corp., and is asked to explain any problems or concerns he (Lincoln) may be feeling. Now, I must say that this scene was quite entertaining because I to would like to now where tofu comes from…I mean really what kind of fucked up substance is that. As well, even if that computerized drawing that Lincoln is asked to draw was not done by Ewan, it was quite an impressive sketch.
As the film continues, we meet McCord (Steve Buscemi) who plays the head janitor/engineer of Merrick’s facility. It seems that McCord is not afraid to talk about some of the ins and outs of the facility to Lincoln. However, even with the "special" access that he gives Lincoln behind closed doors, McCord never really indulges himself to much. However, once the film gets going and Lincoln realizes that Jordan is not such a lucky winner of "The Lottery", he takes Jordan out of the facility to save her and find out what truly is behind the facility. This is because Lincoln realizes, due to seeing a flying bug, that there must still be life outside the facility and that not all human life was contaminated with toxin. Oh, "The Lottery" is a cover by the facility that is held once, maybe twice, weekly when a lucky citizen of Merrick’s sterile world is granted to go to The Island…but in reality there is no Island as it is a cover because they are really clones whose organs will be used when their "real life" counterparts so need them.
I must say that the scenes on the outside world when Lincoln & Jordan find McCord are quite well done. This is due to the fine acting performance by Mr. Buscemi. His character is just a welcome relief in this film because the guy just wants to shit on the can, and read his magazine. I mean it really is the simple things in life. However, McCord agrees to help the two out by explaining exactly what the facility is used for, and even goes so far as providing a credit card for use in Los Angeles in their pursuit of their "real" selves.
At this point, the film shifts gears into a high stakes action/chase. Even though that there have been well done highway action scenes recently in other films such as "Mr. & Mrs. Smith", the way that Bay directed that highway chase with the dumbbell-type things was just simply breathtaking to behold. It was a great, entertaining time at the movies, and the summer no less.
Also of note in this film, is Djimon Hounsou who plays Albert Laurent, a former military operative, who now takes on private enterprise work. Even if his revelation at the end which turns his character’s mind was unnecessary, I myself thought that it was quite well done. I, for one, thought that Laurent truly did care and had a decent enough conscience, even if his conscience had a different motive for the first ¾ of the film.
Another note to add of the film is Michael Clark Duncan, who plays Starkweather. Now, Duncan’s character may be thought of as an extended cameo, but it was well done nonetheless. Afterall, the poor guy only wanted to live.
And then there was Jones Three Echo as played by Ethan Phillips. I must say that I thought his goofy/serious conversations with Lincoln in the lab were decent. And, I for one, felt bad that he was about to be gassed in that chamber. However, popular opinion (or my friend’s actually) found the character laughable if only due to his past as Star Trek Voyager’s Neelix.
And in the end, there is Sean Bean as Merrick. And, I must say that Bean played a decent enough ruthless businessman. However, when it came to his final confrontation with Lincoln, it was just abysmal and sad really. His death was just stupid in the end, and while he may have deserved to die, his death was just so utterly pointless. It’s just too bad he didn’t live then, or not…but I digress…
Overall, I must say that I was thoroughly entertained by this film. Therefore, I shall give this film a 2.5/4 stars and a 7.5/10."
Film Design - 7.5
Enjoyment Factor - 8.0
Overall (not an average) - 7.5
(2.5 out of 4 stars)
- Risen Phoenix -